UPDATED: Tell me a cat wearing a sandwich board wouldn’t be entertaining. You can’t.

I was going to post this post over here, but I couldn’t because I think it’s against my blogher ad contract so instead I posted it on the Chronicle, but I had to delete all the curse words because it goes against the Chronicle’s terms of service.  Also, my font is too small here and I can’t fix it, and my “upload image” button is wonky, and my kid jumped on my laptop and broke it.  Also, people on twitter keep changing their icons and then I don’t know who they are anymore, and a lot of them don’t even have icons right now, like Maggie Mason who just shows up with a tiny red X where her face should be.  And I keep wanting to ask her if she’s okay, and then I remind myself that the red x is a sign of technical problems and not actually some sort of mood ring.  It’s moments like these that make me want to quit blogging and twittering, and instead find a less complicated way to communicate with the world.  Like throwing leaflets off my roof, or tattooing random thoughts on stray cats.  Except I’d have to shave the cats first to tattoo them, and when their fur grew back you wouldn’t be able to see the blog posts I’d written on them any more, which would totally suck.  So really I’d need to tattoo those hairless, sphinx cats, except that their wrinkles would probably cover up my writing when they sat down…so if I wrote “I’d pummel Hitler with rocks!” it would just come out “Hitler rocks!” and then all these hairless, suspected-nazi cats would get shot, and then later the gunmen would examine the body and actually see that they were mistaken, and they’d have to live with the guilt of killing an innocent cat who did not think Hitler rocked at all.  So to keep the cats safe I’d have to make tiny sandwich boards for them to wear around with my posts written on them.  It’d be hard to comment on though and there would be no spam control, so probably by the time you found one of my stray, sandwich-board cat posts it would be covered with badly scrawled viagra adverts.  Fuck.  Never mind.  I’ll just keep blogging.

PS.  For some reason, whenever I talk about hairless cats I always inadvertantly call them “skinless cats”.  If I had a nickel for every time I told someone I wished I had a skinless cat I’d probably have 80 cents.  I usually realize that I’ve said it wrong about five minutes after whoever I was talking to has left to tell other people that I want to skin cats.  No one ever lets me babysit their cats.

PPS. I fixed my wonky “upload image” button.  Yay?

ImageChef.com - Custom comment codes for MySpace, Hi5, Friendster and more

PPS.  I just noticed that on the “More from Blogher” box it now has this post (“Tell me a cat wearing a sandwich board wouldn’t be entertaining”) immediately followed by an ad which reads: “Why don’t you get a cat from the shelter?”  Which is weird and kind of insulting.  Because it’s not like I’m going to steal house cats to tattoo them and then throw them back into the window of their homes.  That would be insane.  And also, a horrible waste of a tattooed cat.  The mass public is not going to be able to see a tattooed indoor cat, Blogher.  Think, for God’s sake.

Also, I would insert a picture here of the “More from Blogher” graphic but my “upload image” button suddenly isn’t working again.  Why?  No fucking idea.  Probably because I ate a pickle, or sneezed incorrectly.

Comment of the day: My cat ate an iguana yesterday, which has me thinking… Maybe you could write your posts with a Sharpie on iguanas. Iguanas shed/molt quite often.The iguana could scoot around town promoting your post, then shed and leave it like a Post Secret for someone to find – then you can reuse the same iguana for a new post. Bonus – the iguana will now be bigger and able to hold a longer post. The iguana my cat ate would have only been big enough to write a very short post like “Giant Squids are %&*#@ scary.” or “Nice kitty. Please don’t eat me.” ~ Vamanos

144 thoughts on “UPDATED: Tell me a cat wearing a sandwich board wouldn’t be entertaining. You can’t.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. There was not a single part of this post that didn’t have me laughing. Seriously! I’m still laughing. I also posted today about how complicated things can get with blogging and twitting.

    Sorry you had a bad day yesterday. Did you decide to drink the cooking sherry? I hope today goes better! <3

    Wendy’s last blog post..Twitting with New Friends

  2. You are my new hero.
    And I wanted to tell you, I have been hearing this song called The Sweet Escape by Gwen Stefani..and every time I hear it, it would remind me of something I couldn’t quite figure out.
    The other day, it hit me…that song reminds me of your blog!! ( I hope that is ok. Is that ok? or should I block your blog from my thoughts when that song comes on. Like the parental block on the TV…)

  3. The red X often concerns me as well. And I think Tattooing Cats would be a great name for an album. Just sayin’.

  4. In the effort to get your thoughts (stray as they may be) out to the public, always remember there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

  5. You could tatoo the cats with a disclaimer that reads “The tatoo on this cat does not necessarily represent the views of this cat.” Thereby sparing the cat from any legal or lethal action against it.

  6. LOL, officially my favorite blogger EVER! 🙂 Seriously, you are as screwed up as me! 🙂 At least you have a blog. When I say these things out loud, people just look at me like I’m crazy. Damn Target employees…. 😉

  7. GIGGLE GIGGLE GIGGLE – I giggled the entire time I read this. I know you are a little psycho (but only in an “I-can-totally-relate” way), but I love how your brain works. You make my day… I HEART you with big mushy smushy kissy faces.

  8. I love you people. Seriously, I’m having the crappiest day ever and my doctor just left me a message saying “Yeah, I think you need to see a special kind of shrink because your kind of crazy is kinda past me” and I’m feeling all broken and depressed and you make me feel like broken isn’t quite so bad.

    Thank you.

  9. Honestly? I walked away from it. A dr. pepper and some peanuts. Came back. It worked. Now it doesn’t work again. Unless I switch the html, then it works. Sometimes.

  10. Hmmm…I saw a hairless guinea pig once, and it was hardly wrinkly, so maybe that would be the best course.

    Plus, I think they have a little more shock value than cats.

    I mean, a hairless cat…woo. But, a hairless guinea pig…fucking brilliant.

    brittany’s last blog post..Weekend Crap Up

  11. i loved this post so much that I bookmarked it to read again later AND sent it to my brother (the cat lover).

    maybe you sould consider waxing, threading (nah, too tedious) or better yet lasering the cat.

    oh the never ending plight of hair removal!!

  12. I read posts like this and I feel just slightly less lonely in the world.

    Dear Brains,
    Throttle back a sec, just a couple times per day. That would be great.
    Love,
    The Girls With Rattly Heads

  13. Your graphic is brilliant. It could almost be a blog in itself “posts that would look way better on a cat.”

    And, having read that other post, can I just say, that if you are compiling a list of other bloggers whom PR people should “not” contact, to hand over to the PR people who are swarming you in droves ever since you told them they’d be crazy to contact you, then I should “not” be on that list… oh, crap, whatever, too many double negatives and scare quotes, so that now even I’m confused. Bottom line: I’ll take your sloppy seconds of PR gigs if you need a place to throw them. I swear I’ll write something that will look at least as good as something that you’d write to put on a cat.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..In which I link obsessively to YOU by Crocs hoping Someone Important will notice…

  14. So BlogHer won’t let you do product reviews? That sucks ’cause I would much rather have your actual opinion of something instead of just a crappy add blinking at me from the side of the blog.

    If it’s wrong to trust the opinion of someone who wants to tattoo skinless cats, then I don’t wanna be right.

    Wendy’s last blog post..Spicy Pee

  15. I read that Maggie Mason is indeed not well at all, suffering from xenophobia, which now has a new definition, something about fearing that her face looks red and like an X to people. They are working on meds for it. Way to rub it in! Someone really should supervise your computer time.

    Deb on the Rocks’s last blog post..Pimpin’

  16. You can use my cat for your tats. She’s not hairless but if you want I’ll get her waxed. She’s kinda bitchy and mean to me and horks on my carpet all the time. Also, I think she may be having an affair with my husband.

    My doctor thinks my issues are out of the realm of his expertise, too. I think it’s because he’s a dumb fuck. He may ALSO be having an affair with my cat. She’s a bitch like that. Turning the world against me.

    WhenSheWorePonytails’s last blog post..Fuck the bright side

  17. Wow, I feel really demented because while you were saying “tattooed” cats I was thinking of a branding irons cowboys use, not the actual tattoo needles they tattoo artists use. So now I’ve dragged cowboys into the picture. I think I just got caught up in the whole thing. I’m really not demented…really, I’m not.

    Lisa’s last blog post..My Miracle Baby Starts Junior High and Bracelets!

  18. You can totally have my parent’s cat to test out this sandwich-board blogging idea. You’d have to catch her first and she does bite. Also, last time she was shaved, she emptied out her anal glands so, yeah, watch out for that! 🙂

    Susan’s last blog post..When it rains, it pours!

  19. My cat ate an iguana yesterday, which has me thinking… Maybe you could write your posts with a Sharpie on iguanas. Iguanas shed/molt quite often.The iguana could scoot around town promoting your post, then shed and leave it like a Post Secret for someone to find – then you can reuse the same iguana for a new post. Bonus – the iguana will now be bigger and able to hold a longer post. The iguana my cat ate would have only been big enough to write a very short post like “Giant Squids are %&*#@ scary.” or “Nice kitty. Please don’t eat me.”

    Vamanos’s last blog post..Otorrinolaringologista

  20. Why not use henna tattoos on the cats instead? That way you can use the same cat more than once. Otherwise, you have only one shot to get the message right, and if you misspell something or change your mind, you’re screwed; you have to throw that cat away and get another. If the message is temporary, you can recycle the cat. And isn’t that what PETA would want?

  21. Would you like to try this on freaky old pug dogs who do nothing but bark at stray leaves and the wall and pee on toddler blankets? You would? GREAT! Mine will arrive by FedEx tomorrow. No need to return them to me, they are old (10 years each) and could do some hard time on the streets of Houston with either a Sandwich Board (although they might eat it) or a tattoo.

    I am totally not afraid of PETA, so have at it. Those assholes can kiss my black ass. Wait, I am white, so they can kiss my WHITE ASS!

    Momma’s Tantrum’s last blog post..Do It Yourself

  22. My upload image button doesn’t work either half the time. I have to keep clicking and clicking and then I just get mad and write an open letter to the blog damning it for not uploading my image.

    Jo~Jo’s last blog post..Weekend Wrap Up

  23. There were no curse words on the post I left on the chronicle but trust me, there were fucking tons on this post.

    Also, to those of you suggesting I tattoo a dog? That is disgusting. I can’t explain why exactly but seriously, it makes me gag a little to think about touching shaved dog skin. Sick. Like, makes-me-want-to-throw-up-in-my-trashcan kind of sick.

    But the iguana thing is totally growing on me.

  24. Just snorted coffee up my nose. Which is what happens when I think of you tattooing skinless cats…damn…hairless cats…and you walking around in a sandwich board.

    Also. Side note. I want to get a tattoo above my pubic line with an arrow pointing down wards and the words ‘Boo’s Bitch” over top. But I know every time I sit down my mommy tummy/muffin top would fold over and all anyone would see is the word Bitch and there is just no humour in that. Because everyone knows I’m a bitch and why in heaven’s name would I need to tattoo myself with that.

    Or everytime Boo looked at it while I was sitting down he’d think I was calling Him a bitch instead of knowing that I was marking my honeypot in his honour and I’d never get laid again.

    So I haven’t got that tattoo.

    Even though my hairless pussy would really look cute with it.

    Wink.

    Redneck Mommy’s last blog post..Baptism by Fluid(s)

  25. I wish my mind could do the crazy gymnastics yours does like the contortionists at Cirque d’Soleil. Oh well… guess I’ll just have to keep coming here to see me some real comedy genius!

  26. If you think about it, your post was one entire tangent! Brava! I believe that’s a first! Today. Seriously, very funny. Must grab kleenex to dab eyes funny. Gonna get me fired funny.

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..“Cow”pooling

  27. Oh, your blog is quickly becoming one of my favourites. And, YES! I always call them skinless cats on accident TOO! And then people look at me like I’m so freaky freaky-animal collector. It’s not good, people, it’s not good.

  28. I don’t get it.

    Okay, I do. But I just like making you think my frame of reference is totally opposite from yours when, in fact, they are disturbingly similar. How about small children? No hair. Mobile. Your message gets larger as they grow. I know they don’t hold still for long, but that’s nothing a big bottle of Benadryl couldn’t solve.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..I’m Melting! Melting!

  29. Then the pig turned around to the farmer and said, “can I have the cat’s skin/hair when you’re done because it’s bitch cold in winter if you’re paralysed and can’t run to the beach” and then they ate him with eggs.

    Happily ever after!

    Except he wasn’t really dead – he was just pretending because kids might read this in which case the cat and the pig lived happily ever after with the cat pitching the Bloggess’ ideas to street vendours while the pig got eaten.

    Shit.

    No he didn’t. He’s fine. Really. Babe rocks – he’d totally kick the farmer’s ass.

    (If you’re a kid I didn’t say bitch or shit in this comment.)

  30. You’re not broken – look, you replied past the 10th comment! See? Blogging is good for you.

    We used to shave our dog all the time because we sucked at brushing his long hair. You get used to it and the dog likes it.

    Don’t blog on cats because I’m allergic and I don’t want to start associating you with not breathing.

    Lunasea’s last blog post..In Which I Begin Losing My Son

  31. Actually, instead of tattooing your posts on just snakes, you could tattoo them on snakes AFTER they’ve eaten a cat. I realize it’s drastic and time consuming, because I think snakes are slow eaters, but still, it’s a thought. Granted, a creepy one, but I’ve had a bad day, so cats pay the price.

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..shall we play a game?

  32. Holy shit that is some good stuff. tears streaming out of my eyes.

    I have the biggest crush on you, can we hang out so you can make me laugh I will buy you wine….

    flybunny’s last blog post..A Year and a Day

  33. It would bring a new meaning to the stuff on my cat website/pics. My one cat is too lazy to groom himself. It’s too much of a bother apparently. So, we have had to shave him or he will have skanky, matted furs. He totally rocks the lion cut.

    avonlea’s last blog post..The one where I feel old

  34. My Upload Image button is also messed up– maybe there’s something going around.

    And I think I have the solution to your problem– sandwich boards on dogs. They’re much more willing to put up with such things. And you could teach the dog to bite spammers and lick fanboys.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Clutteropolis

  35. Oh god, you’re right, it is the next post. That’s just f’ing creepy, yo. Like, they’re watching you. BlogHer. Or cats. Or whoever wrote that post. SHE’S watching you. Maybe she’ll tell cats. Or BlogHer. OR HITLER.

    Watch your back, sister. 🙂

    Mr Lady’s last blog post..Recovery, Paging Doctor Biden

  36. That is too funny. Thanks again for another great post.

    You could still shave the cats and tattoo them though. It’s okay when the fur grows back. In computer parlance it’s know as ‘archiving.’ (i.e. ‘the act of saving something you will never, ever read again’)

    Jim’s last blog post..Run for the Fallen

  37. I always want to update my blog design but blog coding makes my brain start smoking because is that Yiddish sign language? Is it? IT MAKES NO SENSE. So I decide to draw a new blog design on my computer screen with a sharpie.

    Your hairless nazi cats made me laugh outloud. My coworkers are getting suspicious.

    Moose in the Kitchen’s last blog post..The Space Between

  38. This was the absolute funniest thing that I have read in a long time. I just found your blog, but it’s my new favorite!

  39. This reminds me. When people say “There’s more than one way to skin a cat,” it always makes me wonder how many ways there really are. And what’s the point of skinning them in the first place? And do they taste like chicken?

    The Husband’s last blog post..I have a shrinkage problem

  40. My grandpa is one of those people who always says things like, “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” And then once, he said that, and then he turned to me and said, “Do you know it’s actually REALLY hard to skin a cat? When I was growing up in Cleveland if you caught stray cats and skinned them, the local glove factory would buy the fur to line their ladies’ gloves. But you know what? They’re not like rabbits; their skin almost never comes off in one clean piece.”
    That sorta killed that saying for me.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..How to ruin a day in 15 easy steps

  41. Your mind is a terrible, wonderful place to live, isn’t it? I think I love you AND Kevin Smith today. Not sure what that says about me or my mind, but there you have it.

    Maura’s last blog post..Dancing with Ennui

  42. I have the solution. Tattoo your blogs on cats that look like Hitler, that’s like killing 2 cats with one stone.

    There’s a bunch here. http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/cgi-bin/seigmiaow.pl

    Oh ! Even better idea. When you invite the 4990 people ahead of you on technorati over for a poisoned dinner, and they ask what to bring, tell them a cat that looks like Hitler. Now you’ve killed 3 cats with one stone.

    xoxo, SG

  43. You MUST keep blogging, because otherwise, you’d only have homeless people in your area as fans. OR, you’d have to ship the cats out to other locations and shipping animals is a big pain in the ass right now.

    Also? I just love how your mind works!

    Andrea’s Sweet Life’s last blog post..Ode to a Turkey Pot Pie

  44. sneezing incorrectly has nothing at all to do with your upload image button. it does however affect the number of red x’s you get on twitter. i don’t mean to sound all tecnical and stuff, just sorta an FYI type thing…

    Mr. Noodle

    Mr. Noodle’s last blog post..Laugh Quota…

  45. Goddamnit Jenny, this is the umpteenth time i’ve spewed coffee all over my laptop screen! Seriously, i adore you. skinless cats with sandwich boards – rofl. i gave you your own category on my blog link list bc you are just too fucking spray cheese good.

    Gina (@amoxcalli on Twitter)’s last blog post..Arroz con pollo

  46. Sandwich boards will never work. I only notice the hapless schmuck wearing the sandwich board. I never read the sandwich board, much less patronize the sandwich board slave-driver that has hired these half-wits to walk around with a couple of slabs of plywood strapped to his back. Your message would be somewhat lost if no one read it and it was schlepped around by a half-wit or a hairless skinless cat that draws the reader’s eye away from the SANBORLOG (sandwich board log). I think it would be better if you just threw fliers off of your roof. That way I could drive my kids by your house and show them what drugs do to people.

  47. Given how funny it is to put anything on a cat (peanut butter, doll clothes, hats, tape, hair clips), I think sandwich boards would be hilarious. And before everybody freaks out, my cats are spoiled rotten and insist on spending all of their time sitting on me. Trust me here, they’re not abused, but everyone needs tormenting every once in a while. I would do the same thing to my nephew if he lived here.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Well Slap Me Silly and Call Me Nancy

  48. “So really I’d need to tattoo those hairless, sphinx cats except that their wrinkles would probably cover up my writing when they sat down, and where I wrote “I’d pummel Hitler with rocks!” it would just come out “Hitler rocks!”’

    I am pissing myself right now.

    Nazi cats! OMG, I need a drink…

    Petra’s last blog post..Mother of the Year–Who Me?

  49. Um, hi.
    I found you via twitterati (which I didn’t know even existed).
    And then I read your blog.
    And I think I love you.

    And I promise I mean that in most non-creepy way.
    I think tattoo-ing cats and other creatures is a great idea! Maybe pigeons too? Or squirrels?

    Be friends? Please?

  50. Seriously, why tattoo anything? Why not just write your blog on a streamer and attach it to the leg of a bird. Much like those planes that advertise across the beach, the birdie would just fly around and everybody would see your message! Well, until it gets to a birdbath. Or a fountain. Stay away from ducks. Hmmm, you’ll need a bird that’s afraid of the water….

    Jennifer’s last blog post..Mommy of the Year

  51. God-damned pickles. They just sit in the jar all erect and crisp…mocking me and making me feel bad about myself. Then I found out they’re all up in your grill fuxing your image upload button? Damn their pickled green souls!!

    Kile’s last blog post..Tuesday Smackdown

  52. Skinless cat…that’s kind of like how I always say Worldless Wednesday instead of Wordless. Except that I don’t actually say it, I only type it.

    Because I don’t talk to real people.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Pamela 2, Mom 1

  53. Yo, you are one funny bitch. but you know that. What you don’t know is that Kahlua burns badly if you spew it out of your nose. Which I did, while reading about the tattooed hairless cats and Hitler.

    I forgot my #1 rule. DO NOT read Jenny’s posts while drinking. Unless you want to die.

    I heart you much, your humor kills me, and eleventybillion others. And not cats.

    T.

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..I Scream, You Scream…

  54. I think you are overlooking a gold mine here in the form of pigs. No hair, loud, and no “house pet” issues. Who wouldn’t notice a tatted up pig wandering through downtown and wonder what was written on them?

  55. “…your kind of crazy is kinda past me.”

    You really shouldn’t show your blogs off to your doctor. Alas, s/he is probably right. I think you have discovered a whole new level of crazy. Can’t wait until I get there myself.

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..A room with a view… or maybe not

  56. I think you have discovered a whole new level of crazy. Can’t wait until I get there myself.

    Aiming for the stars?

  57. I admit that I usually don’t comment on blogs with hundreds of comments — this because I am insanely jealous of your success. That’s right. I said it. Jealous. But I have pushed aside my weakness long enough to loll about in your hilarious posts and finally tell you just how kickin’ I find your blog to be. There.

    Jealous!

    Lacy

    Razor Family Farms’s last blog post..Buying on a Budget

  58. Well I usually don’t comment on my own post after the first 10 or so comments because it feels like too much pressure but I’m pushing aside my weakness to tell you “thank you”. Because I read every freaking comment.

    Because they are all awesome.

    And because I have OCD.

  59. Well. F WORD! I thought I commented last night. But I was slightly…ok, a hair PAST slightly, drunk. Maybe I dreamed I posted. Or maybe I posted and I can’t find my post ’cause I had too much wine for lunch (yes, not WITH lunch….*for* lunch). Anywhoooo, cool post. I lurves me some cats. And a cat wearing a sandwich board would soooooo get my vote–especially if she wore a tutu and tights…or dressed up like a weiner. Oh, definatley a weiner cat! See? I’m having spelling issues–a sure sign of too much wine. Peace out….

    Martie’s last blog post..Does This Make Me Look Fat…?

  60. I agree sharpies on iguana’s is a great idea, but they really won’t get much coverage. How about those damn geese that hang out in the ponds in surburbia? Someone tags them all the time to track ’em. Why can’t you just staple posts to them? No shaving or involvement with nair.

    Andy’s last blog post..Random Thautz on 2008-08-15

  61. Hey, it really WAS good! Even without the vodka. But I want to know what was tattooed on the skinless cat that someone was sending over….

    Vodkamom’s last blog post..funny shit

  62. We had a white Siamese cat named Jose in college. I lived in the basement and my friend Paige lived on the second floor. When she was too lazy to come talk to me, she’d write messages on him with highlighter and send him down to me. Poor cat. That might have been worse than all those Jello shots we fed him or how we tied him up outside on a leash… hmm…

    Lizzie Bennett’s last blog post..Jenny is a Mrs.

  63. this post is exactly the reason I invited you to my virtual diner party. Well not because I want you to shave and tattoo my cat. She’s too old, your post wouldn’t last long. It’s more about the way your mind works.

    dani’s last blog post..The Dinner Party Recipes

  64. Your bloggessness,

    I have decided that I would allow you to babysit for Stuart (my cat), if he needed babysitting, which of course he does not as he is my babysitter.

    He is, however, looking for an olympic swimming coach. I’m not sure what your credentials are but I’m guessing you’d be a good fit. Stuart is not hairless, but his white fur often prompts visitors to call him Mr. Bigelsworth. Anyway, in exchange for the lessons, perhaps Stuart could promote your posts, if not on his body, then perhaps on the lycra union suits he will wear in London in 2012.

    Please help him defeat Mike Phelps?

    laurieofthesevenstories’s last blog post..Baby, you are the best

  65. My first blog post on my latest blog – The (mis)Adventures of Big Cy and Mr. Whiskers is about an imaginary hairless cat… sort of. Well, he is in there, anyway. Good times.

  66. I called my hairless dog skinless all the time! People just stared, and then proceeded to throw up in their mouths a little.

  67. I have a hairless cat and I sooooo want to send you a pic of him! You can tattoo him if you want…he’s pretty much the shit!

  68. To be a blogger, I gotsta hustle. And if that means finding skinless homeless cats, tattooing my eCards all over them, and then setting them loose in Manhattan, I’ll do it. I’ll do it right now.

    Thanks for the tip.

  69. I don’t know who you are, but we are brain twins. I have read a bunch of your conversations with Victor and you sound like my SO, Jeff, and I. I just wanted to thank you for the major giggles you have given us both today.

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