It would be even funnier if we later found out that God’s name actually was Chuck.

So the other day we were all praying at work. (This is a big aside where I reveal that in real life I work at a faith-based company and you go “No fucking way” and I’m like “I know, right?”  HR needs to do better background checks.) 

So there’s like a hundred of us in the hallway during this celebration and the Bishop says in this really loud and dramatic way, “Oh Heavenly Father: Hear our prayer!” and immediately some guy from engineering’s walkie-talkie blasts out: COME IN, CHUCK!” and I had to walk out in the middle of the prayer because I totally snorted and was drawing attention to myself because all I could think of is how I bet God was only half-listening and then was all “WTF?  Did the Bishop just call me ‘Chuck‘?” and that’s when I realized I was probably not getting into heaven unless God has one hell of a sense of humor, which he probably does because hello? he’s making me work at a faith-based organization.  I mean, he’s not making me work there but I hear he kind of controls everything so technically this is probably his fault.  If anything, they should blame God for making me snort in the middle of the prayer.  When I get fired I’ll have to remember to tell the Bishop that.

Comment of the day: I’ve know since the 80’s that Charles was in Charge.  ~Katie

179 thoughts on “It would be even funnier if we later found out that God’s name actually was Chuck.

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  1. I hate it when I laugh in the middle of a prayer. Many times after I’ve done something rude or said something off color (so pretty much after every other statement I make) I look up to the heavens and say, “Just joking God…”

    gingela5’s last blog post..Sneeze Guard…

  2. OK – by your logic, I feel MUCH better for flipping off a priest last weekend. I didn’t know he was a priest before I flipped him off, and he almost ran me over with his car when I was jogging, but still. Clearly, God WANTED me to give that bad-driving priest a little what for before he actually ran over someone that might be important.

    manager mom’s last blog post..At Least I Know What She Wanted To Buy At Target

  3. This was my first good laugh of the day. I would have totally snorted with you (which sounds like we would be doing drugs, but probably not, since we would have been at your faith-based workplace, but maybe later, after work).

    I have a long history of laughing inappropriately during prayer. Or anytime, really.

  4. Hubby’s name is Chuck.

    It is pretty much the most all-purpose joke name there is. Period.

    A guy I went to high school with named Sean always professes his jealousy of hubby for having an awesome go-to punchline name like “Chuck”.

    And on hubby’s more egotistical days, he probably does think God’s real name is Chuck.

    Sunshine’s last blog post..August Wrap Up: Rock the Comment

  5. Dude, if God’s name is Chuck, I’m totally going to start praying, like, all the time. Like, over dinner and breakfast and before bed and while I poop. And every time, I’m going to be all, “What’s up (wait for it…) CHUCK.” Because that would be totally awesome.

    Mr Lady’s last blog post..Back to School

  6. Bah, Chuck doesn’t use walkie-talkies anymore. It’s all text messaging now:

    WretchedSinner69: o hvnly chuck, hEr R prayR
    AlmightyChuck42: dood! wzup?
    WretchedSinner69: we pry 4 4givnss, o chuck
    AlmightyChuck42: LOL np
    WretchedSinner69: amen
    AlmightyChuck42: l8r

    Steve’s last blog post..RFID Has No Vulnerabilities. Honest!

  7. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve totally lost it with laughter during a prayer…

    Well, I don’t know what would happen if I had a nickel for every time I broke down into hysterical laughter during a prayer, except, you know, I’d have some more nickels.

    Kyla’s last blog post..So, my kid might need a feeding tube…

  8. Once upon when I went to church, our Sunday School teacher asked, “Do you think God has a sense of humor? Why?” and someone, totally straight faced said, “Well, yeah, he made Emily.” True story.

    When I worked as a waitress this summer, I’d always manage to walk into banquets or family reunions JUST as they began the prayer, always with a full tray of drinks and I just have to stand there and not spill anything. AWESOME.

  9. I bet Chuck is laughing with you up there. or at you. But laughing anyway, and people always love a girl that can make them laugh. So…God loves you! Or chuck does. 🙂

    Mama’s last blog post..Romans 1-3

  10. So I’m reading this and start giggling and snorting uncontrolably. And my two kids come running over and they’re all like, “What so funny? What’s so funny?” I started reading it to them, but they looked at me like I’m really crazy and walked away.

    So thanks for making my kids think I’m crazy. 🙂

    Wendy’s last blog post..Bitch Fest

  11. oh my BOB that is frickin’ hysterical! i have never so instantly loved a blog in all my life. nice one. you rock! i will so be back (but it’s midnight now and i’m about 35 years behind on my beauty sleep. i know, i know, people say they’ll be back. i really am fricking coming back stop hassling me already.)!

    hollydolly’s last blog post..the men in my life take me for an idiot

  12. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    Actually I suspect that whole episode is a very good example of how God actually has a kickass sense of humor.

    Several hundred years ago, when I was a college freshman, a good friend of mine and I disgraced ourselves badly when a similarly random event occurred that made us snort during a talk by a particularly pompous artiste of some sort. I won’t go into it here because it’s not funny written down, but it was hilarious in the moment, and we got nasty looks from the head of the Honors Program. At least it wasn’t the Bishop.

    Sallyacious’s last blog post..Bibs and Bobs

  13. so, it is normal for God/Chuck to drop by when you guys work/pray? I mean, where you expecting God, so it was funny when Chuck arrived, or was the whole thing a surprise?
    fellow faithful getting mad at me on my blog undoubtedly about to occur…secret is out.

    Karen’s last blog post..this post is not about birth

  14. Well, now your “Like Mother Theresa” tagline up top makes more sense. See, I can’t even spell Teresa right—-I am definitely NOT at a faith-based company.

    BTW, I’d totally be psyched if God was named Chuck. He’d be much more fun to have a beer with in heaven.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..I’m Not That Important

  15. What’s even worse is when you think you’re 55 but then I go back and approve some comments that fell into the spam filter and then you become 57.

    But I read every damn comment anyway. I’m kind of OCD that way.

  16. Eddie Izzard’s Glorious has ruined me for all religious activity ever.

    My mother almost shot my father and I as we giggled through Christmas eve mass, “take this bread is it my body…cannibalism!”
    “take this wine it is my blood….vampires!”
    “take these tomatoes they are my knee caps”
    “I’d like to order the body of christ platter please!”

    Shaba’s last blog post..It’s a Survey. Not a Meme.

  17. Hee… makes me think of when my sister the heathen and I attend Christmas Eve church services with my mom. We love how everybody sings out real strong on the first and second verses of the Christmas carols, but the third and fourth verses, the more obscure verses, become hilarious mutters and major fumblings for the hymnals. Bet Chuck totally loves it, too.

  18. If God’s still in the smiting business it won’t be because you laughed. It’ll be because you referred to him–informally–as Chuck when everyone knows he goes by Charles. Or Charlene, if God turns out to be a woman. And? If God is a little bit of both…RuPaul.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..The Calm Before

  19. I work for a faith based employer too (Episcopalian even), and we have Bishops too. I almost fell out in the aisle when I went to church there last week (for a “blessing” of the staff). I shit you not, at least 20 people came up to me and said “Peace be with you” and I was supposed to reply “And also with you” but I’d forget and they’d just stand there all…bellboy with his hand out waiting for the tip…and I was all…OH! crap. And also with you. But it was way funnier then. sigh.

    Are you there Chuck? It’s me Martie.

    of http://uncontainedchaos.blogspot.com

    Martie’s last blog post..Dinosaur Valley…

  20. First of all, I already know where you work, but I had no idea you all had events where you had a bishop come in and you all prayed together. You should definitely stay away from any of those and so should the guy who had the walkie talkie volume up when a BISHOP is like praying. FUNNY!

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..Thai Carrot Soup

  21. That is one of life’s moments where you know HE must have a sense of humor. You just can’t make that shit up. HILARIOUS. Thanks for sharing. You made me laugh.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Men Only

  22. Alright, I am too damn lazy (can I say damn now? Now that I know that the Bishop is reading?) anyway, too the heck lazy (yeah, that is better, they will never know) to check if anyone else said this… cause dammit, I mean but of course it is common knowledge that God is Chuck Norris.

    Derr.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Dinner and the Awesome Mummy

  23. Uh, hello. “Come in Chuck” was God responding! I haven’t read all the comments and if someone said this before me, tough.

  24. Prayer time would be so much easier if God’s name were Chuck. Think about it: “What the fuck, Chuck?” covers the angsty “why me?” prayers and the direction-seeking “what is your will for me?” prayers and even the “we could use a little help here” supplications all in one tidy, four-word package. Sure, it’s a wee bit casual and exceedingly profane and maybe it does sound like a discarded line from Paul Simon’s “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover,” but it’s so damn marketable. Think of how many “WTFC?” wristbands we could sell at Spencer Gifts!

  25. Dammit, I got beat to the “What the fuck, Chuck?” joke.

    Is anyone else having Peppermint Patty flashbacks though? If God is wearing a Charlie Brown shirt if/when I meet him I’m totally haunting you Jenny! But in a good way!

  26. first of all, you live in texas, so OF COURSE you work at a faith based business.

    second of all, i just got yelled at on my blog because i said that college football was church at my house. and my friend the bitch said, at our house church is church. and i said, hey, church is as church does. i’m sure jesus understands. heck, he even attends the notre dame home games.

    not sure what that has to do with your post about chuck and snorting and the bishop. sorry.

  27. I just finished a musical at a theater that is owned by a very religious Mormon family and they say blessings over each meal they serve (They have an optional cookout meal beforehand) and there is always a cast prayer before the the show.

    I was asked to say the blessing and I blessed the food. (Way to go, heathen.)

    P.S. If God’s name is really Chuck it would weirdly make me feel a little better about Him.

    Hmm…

    Loralee’s last blog post..By: Angie

  28. I once worked at a faith based organisation. Which was weird. I never heard god referred to as Chuck but Chuck doesn’t really cut it as a name in Australia. We’re more into names like Kevin and Kylie. I don’t think God is called Kevin. I think Kylie is more likely.

    Fuck. Do you think god could actually be called Kylie?

    dani’s last blog post..Steamy Kitchen Recipe Testing

  29. Ok, so during the prayer that turned into some weird seance for some guy named Chuck from the “other side’ that’s when you say “what’s the frequency Kenneth?” and then nobody ever bothers you at work again. Only to really sell it, you would have had to control your snorting.

  30. That is so fucking weird. This weekend I listened to “What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?” on a loop for two hours because it’s the only song I can write to. It’s like it’s a sign. From Chuck.

  31. Jenny, thanks…well, not really “thanks” as my head just imploded in such a way while sitting here, sipping coffee, reading my morn’n blogs when seemingly out of nowhere BAM! I’m having a Brain Aneurysm induced solely by trying to wrap my head around the “So the other day we’re all praying at work,” and then you hit me with, “that I work at a faith-based company”

    It’s been enough for me over my 46 years to try wrapping my head around the whole God, fire/brimstone, locust thing, but THIS, nothing less than a miracle made my head implode, seriously.

    Obviously, this means you’re one of “Charlie’s Angels” and you can help me double my fish purchase for my dinner party tonight…because tuna steaks are fucking expensive in Maine!

    Shit…Tuesday can’t get much better than this!

    Kim’s last blog post..Cleaning the House, Cooking some Grub, Nailing Down the Appliances…

  32. Dear Jenny,

    I just got an angry e-mail from the Lord and he’s still upset about the informal Chuck thing. (or Charlene…it’s so hard to tell and I’ve never looked under the robe when we go out for drinks). He/She says if you don’t stop, it’s going to start raining really hard down th–OOPS. Too late.

    Apathy Lounge

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..The Calm Before

  33. I’m still trying to wrap my head around you taking part in prayer every morning at work- what must be going through your mind? Do you all hold hands?

  34. Humor me for a moment, Jenny…

    Imagine Charlie Brown.
    Imagine “Chuck” and his nemesis, LUCY
    If “Chuck”= the big guy
    And “Lucy”= fiery, horned arch nemesis
    ______________________________________

    Then Jenny= Total First Class Round Trip Ticket to Hell…cause YOU is the Devil in Disguise!

    I suck at numbers so somebody check my math, please.

    WOOOOOHOOOO, again, Tuesday can’t get any better!

    Kim’s last blog post..Cleaning the House, Cooking some Grub, Nailing Down the Appliances…

  35. I’d like to nominate Katie for comment of the day with her “I’ve know since the 80’s that Charles was in Charge” comment.

    Great post. I’m honestly not surprised that you work at a faith-based company. I don’t think I have a powerful enough filter on my mouth to work at such a place.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Government

  36. See now, when I read the first comment (Maria’s) I thought it said “Heaven w/out Jelly would be hell.” And I was thinkin’, yeah…that kind of would suck. It would suck more if there wasn’t any peanut butter. Ooooh…and it would suck even MORE if there were no honey buns.

    Please tell me there are honey buns in Heaven.

    Greta/Does This Blog Make Us Look Fat?’s last blog post..Back to School Diet

  37. I just snorted a little because if I were named Chuck, and I were praying with my coworkers, and the bishop said, “Heavenly Father, hear our prayer!” real convincingly like, and then I heard someone say, “Come in, Chuck!” I think I’d be checking my pants for shit. Because did that mean God was calling me into heaven? Was God talking through the walkie-talkie directly to ME, and telling me that I was going to be meeting him soon? Because what if I wasn’t ready to be done with the whole life thing?

    And then I realized my name isn’t Chuck, and I wouldn’t have to worry about someone saying in a faith-based company, “Come in, Shutter Bitch.” It’s just not going to happen.

    So! Pants clean. I’m safe.

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..Good Enough?

  38. If God had a name,(Chuck)what would it be
    And would you call it to his face
    If you were faced with him in all his glory
    What would you ask if you had just one question

    And yeah yeah Chuck is great yeah yeah Chuck is good
    yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

    What if Chuck was one of us
    Just a slob like one of us
    Just a stranger on the bus
    Trying to make his way home

    I half-blame you, Jenny, that this is now rattling around in my cranium. The other half-blame is due to undiagnosed and untreated bi-polarity (or would it be bi-polarization)

  39. I, too, work at a faith based organization (a Baptist Hospital) and they do these prayers over the intercom. Since I keep my iPod plugged in my hears 24/7 at work (not really, since I do go home), I fail to hear them. But sometimes, just sometimes, I’d love to blast my music loud right in the middle of the prayers. I think some Akon singing “Smack That” with Eminem would definitely get a rise out of some of the conservative bible thumpers I work with.

    Sigh…….

    Emily’s last blog post..Happy Third Birthday, Katrina! Part 5

  40. Aahhhhhh, I remember vividly the day that I realized I was going to hell.

    My mom and I were at a Christmas Eve midnight candle-lit service, and during one of the hymns, she leaned over and whispered “Shepherds QUEEFED at the sight???” and we both started giggling so hard we almost dropped our candles and burned the whole motherfucker down.

    Jane’s last blog post..Chicago by Motorcycle

  41. OMG, if I were to work at a faith based company they’d probably all get together and stone me to death. I don’t know how you do it!

    Pants’s last blog post..RNC

  42. I know have to refer to Him as Chuck at all times. Forever. All because of you. I think I’d have had to leave cause I would have shouted out “OMG, how’d he know my kinky sex name?” and then I’d be escorted off the property.

    And your shepherds may queef, Jane, but I called them crooks at the live pageant when I was 12.

    Ruby Soho’s last blog post..Randomness hits again

  43. i have said this before and i will say it again. i would rather have a good time in hell than be bored in heaven.

    wait, do you seriously work for a faith-based company. that just totally gives me the creeps

    amyz5’s last blog post..The Perfect Labor Day Outfit

  44. I think God’s name is actually Jenny the Bloggess.

    I believe maggie, dammit has quite possibly stumbled onto The Truth.

    I kneel before Jenny the Bloggess. I am humbled by her awesome power. Jenny the Bloggess is an awesome God. Or is She an awesome Chuck?

    Wait, I’m confused.

  45. Hey, next time you get God/Chuck on the radio, please ask him if the clouds in heaven will hold my fat ass. Because otherwise I can stop trying to be good. Also, please ask him if they have chocolate. Otherwise I am totally not going.

    Elisa’s last blog post..Motherhood mafia

  46. So THAT’S who Ted Jesus Christ God’s Dad is. Chuck. Ted Jesus Christ God is the son of Chuck. And it makes sense, too. I always wondered why Ted didn’t go with Theodore. Wouldn’t it be more “God” like. But when the almighty Dad himself goes with Chuck rather than Charles? I’d pick Ted, too.

    Plus, it makes him seem more approachable. Like, you could have a beer with him, confess some sins, have some pizza…feeling good with Chuck and his boy Ted.

    WhenSheWorePonytails’s last blog post..Sarah Palin is a bad mother

  47. how do you manage to CRACK me up — TO TEARS — every time I come here? HOW? it’s crazy. This was beyond. As always. love you because totally needed laugh right now and because you’re The Bloggess!

    Haley-O’s last blog post..Sigh….Our Weekend

  48. Are you sure the Bishop’s name isn’t Chuck and God wasn’t answering him through the walkie talkie? “Heavenly Father, hear our prayer.” “Come in Chuck! What you got for me today? Heal the sick? Done. Peace out, Chuck. Holla atcha later.” (P.S. I am also not going to heaven, clearly.)

    Kristabella’s last blog post..Wordy Recap

  49. WHOA! You work at a faith based company. I think my world just turned upside down.

    I think anytime someone mentions god, I’m now going to start referring to him as Chuck. It flows much easier.

    perksofbeingme’s last blog post..Letter to myself

  50. You should probably not tell the Bishop about this blog, because then they totally won’t give you a useful job reference.

    And I would propose that Chuck is Jesus’ more talented but overshadowed younger brother.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..North Dakota on my mind

  51. I just snorted reading this. It’s kinda like when I talk to my aunt in heaven, I just think is she like in prayer or something & her cell phone rings when I say her name.

    Heidi’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday!

  52. I would have snorted too. Last year during a Christmas service in church, the minister said, “And all God’s people said–” and my child wailed so loudly no one could be heard saying “Amen,” and the minister actually started over again.

    Damselfly’s last blog post..What I’d Wear Wednesday: Fall

  53. God must have a sense of humor. That’s why he invented Spanx.

    I had a religious organization for a client once. I had to resign the account. Couldn’t stomach the gay bashing and being told that India is a country that God forgot about. I’m from India so that one hurt.

  54. That’s totally unfair… your tale of snorting made ME snort, and now my mother suspects me of being mad.

    This was possibly the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

    Raz’s last blog post..Ground Level

  55. I got an email today from Insight for living, I swear I couldn’t make this up if I tried. The subject line says…

    Subject: God’s Word, Chuck’s Voice, and Your…

    All I could think about was this post. I swear milk almost shot out of my nose!

    Shawna’s last blog post..Yep, that was mature

  56. That’s giggle-out-loud hilarious! My husband worked for a Catholic-run hospital for many years. He and the other directors had to take turns offering the prayer before their monthly group meeting. I’m a HR manager and thought that was totally wacky, that they would be all praying at work. Is it in the job description? “Must be comfortable praying out loud in front of your peers.”

  57. I used to like your blog.
    Now I love it because ever since watching the video of you at Blogher I can totally “hear” you saying all these things that you are writing.

    Great post, too funny!

    Ninja Mom’s last blog post..For Ninja Honey…

  58. Another Saturday at work, which is why I’m *just now* commenting on a post from like 3 years ago. Also, because procrastination is kinda my thing. Like how some people are natural born phenominal athletes? That’s me, except replace “athlete” with “procrastinator”. They should have Olympics for that. Procrastiantion and attention disorders. Because I would totally win for the USA in both catagories. Obviously, considering the entire reason I’m even commenting on this post is to be your spiritual guide, NOT to talk about how highly I excel in things like procrastination.

    Don’t worry, God totally has a sense of humor. We were “created in his likeness” so he completely digs Xanax, profanity, Vodka, and bad jokes. Even ones at his expense. As a matter of fact, I bet he’s kickin’ back with a tall glass of Vodka and cranberry right now, reading your blog, shaking his head, and thinking, “That Jenny, man she kicks ass just like me.”.

  59. Is that why when someone asks a question the answer is; “Chuck knows”
    Oh, wait – it’s “*fuck* knows”.
    Never mind …

  60. This post ALWAYS makes me laugh out loud. Always. I picture the Bishop jumping out of his skin because HIS name is Chuck and when you pray you don’t generally get a response that fast. I grew up as a Methodist preacher’s kid, and my funniest story is that my dad was trying to do a children’s sermon on “priceless treasures.” He pushed up the sleeve of his robe to use his watch as an example of one of HIS priceless treasures. My sister yells right into his mic….. “NO IT’S NOT! YOU GOT IT AT BURGER KING FOR $2.99!”

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