If I was a mugger I’d use vines to swoop down on my victims because that would be very entertaining and they’d feel like they were getting something for their money

Last week Victor said the best place to mug someone would be right when they walk out of a movie theater because they’d be all squinty from the sunlight and I said that I’d totally be a better mugger because I’d rob people at the Fair and he was all “This isn’t a contest.  I’m not actually going to mug people” but I think he just said that because he knew I’d win because A) people always have lots of cash at the fair for the rides and B)  because I’d exchange half their money for ride tickets and explain that they would have just blown the rest on fattening funnel cakes anyway so technically I’m doing them a favor.  Plus people are happy at the fair and happy people are less likely to stab you.  Then Victor got all quiet for a few minutes because he knew he’d been beaten and then suddenly he was all, “Fine.  I’d mug people at church” and I was like “You can’t mug people at church, asshole.  It’s sacred ground” and then he pointed that I’d confused Highlander with real life again and so technically he won the argument because there’s really no way to come back from that, even though the fair is totally the way to go for robbing.  Then several days later Victor was singing “Betty Davis Eyes” but instead of singing “All the boys think she’s a spy” he sang it “All the boys think she’s a spaz” and insisted those were the real words, and I wanted to take that moment and apply it to the argument about who’s-a-better-mugger but I couldn’t because real life doesn’t work that way even though it totally should.

PS.  On an unrelated note, Black Hockey Jesus interviews me about how I’d feel being Mexican.  A summary in case you don’t want to read the interview:  Fine.  I’d feel fine.

Comment of the day:  Forever my dad thought the lyrics to “Oh What a Feeling” by Irene Cara from the movie Flashdance were “Take your pants off” instead of “Take your passion”  Dad’s version beat the shit out of the real version. ~ furiousball

108 thoughts on “If I was a mugger I’d use vines to swoop down on my victims because that would be very entertaining and they’d feel like they were getting something for their money

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  1. I used to think the words to that song were ‘She’s got better days aside….’ and that the title was just one of those clever titles that never actually appears in the song lyrics.

  2. My husband used to insist that the line “I could be your preacher teaching…” in George Michael’s song “Father Figure” was actually “I could be your creature feature.” Which totally explains his Elvira fixation.

    Candy’s last blog post..If I knew then what I know now…

  3. The only drawback to mugging someone at the fair, is if they’d just gotten off the Feris wheel after ingesting obscene amounts of cotton candy and funnel cakes.. oh and some of that special VFD BBQ.. combined with the bright sun beating down on them, the excitement of being attacked by a super hot mugger may just cause a bad case of projective vomitting.. and well.. you can see how that might not be a good thing.

    Mahala’s last blog post..Eddie Izzard & Graham Norton: When Baboons Attack

  4. I never liked that song. I was one of those literal kids who was shocked to hear the main chorus and thought, Why would someone take her eyes? Of course boys think she’s a spy! She’s carrying around someone else’s gouged out ocular tools!

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Courtesy Call

  5. I think we’d all have better luck mugging people at a casino, drunk people are weak and emotional. Or a strip club because our victims would be too ashamed to report it.

    The only funny lyric stories I can come up with at the moment involve my kids, and I just don’t feel right about making fun of my kids inside the same little box I used to offer helpful suggestions about where to successfully mug drunk people.

    Jacquie’s last blog post..Is there a Doctor in the house?

  6. I’ve had the same discussion only it’s about murder. And how not to get caught. I’ve got a few ideas but I don’t want to share them here because someone might steal my idea. Although I’m not actually planning on murdering anyone. Don’t turn me in.

    gingela5’s last blog post..I Feel Good for 100…

  7. I always sang “All the boys thinks she’s a spaz” back when that song was popular but *did* eventually learn that it was actually “spy”, not “spaz”.
    Now I’m wondering if I know Victor and if we went to elementary school together.

  8. I can’t believe Victor thinks robbing people at church is okay. Highlander association aside church is sacred ground. That is where we go to be cleansed of our sins. On second thought -maybe he is onto something. Robbing someone? A sin. Doing it in church? Instant gratification and absolution in one fell swoop. Cool!

    Renee aka Mekhismom’s last blog post..I’m Back!

  9. So, would you only mug people who happened to be near overhead vines or were you planning on bringing your own and tying them to, say, fire escapes and things? ‘Cause I think the second option’s a lot more likely to score some victims. It’d be like Spiderman, except with vines… and without the spandex.

    Well, I suppose you could wear spandex but definitely not that red and blue spider motif. That’d look silly. And the last thing you’d want when swooping down from a fire escape on a vine would be to look silly.

    Steve’s last blog post..20,000 Pieces Over the Sea

  10. I think if he can’t tell the difference between a spy and a spaz, he’d be a pretty poor mugger. There’s an element of stealth to being a spy, which a spaz simply lacks.

    As an aside, I used to think “Canary in a Coal Mine” was “Canary in a Coma”. Really amounts to the same thing, doesn’t it?

    Trish’s last blog post..Don’t be afraid of the dark

  11. I’m sorry, but I have to disagree with you on the fair mugging senario. At least at our county fair, anyway. Most of the people who go there wouldn’t have any hesitation throwing down over the price of a funnel cake or getting their boyfriend’s mother’s other son, who may infact be their own brother, to do it for them.

    Just sayin’

    toyfoto’s last blog post..Speaking my piece

  12. I have a Highlander, and I named it Duncan after the character in that movie. Just thought you’d like to add that to your argument next time Victor brings up this argument. Cuz OBVIOUSLY, it’s relevant.

    OHHHH, and AWESOME interview. I love you even more now (I know, say it isn’t so, right?)

  13. I like the swinging vine idea but why stop there? If you could find a Tarzan costume you could really give them a show. Or at least one of those Hamburglar masks.

    Hey, if it’s a Renaissance fair and you’re really quick you could leave a turkey leg in their hand in place of the wallet. You’d probably have to practice your slight-of-hand skills though.

    Now I’m developing an entire fair mugging production in my head.

    I should totally be a Broadway director. Or at least a mugger at the next Renaissance fair.

    bejewell’s last blog post..My Husband Ruined Sam Elliott’s Life

  14. If you swooped down on jungle vines in front of me I would just hand all my money over to you. Although you’d really be out of luck because I never have more that 3 or 4 bucks in my wallet at any given time. But, anyway I would give you that 3 or 4 bucks. Not because swooping on jungle vines is entertaining but, because I would be effing terrified due to the fact that I don’t live anywhere near the jungle and would think I was hallucinating that someone was mugging me with jungle vines. And the best way to get rid of a halluination is to do whatever the hallucination asks you to do. True fact. So you would totally get my 3 or 4 bucks.

    blissfully caffeinated’s last blog post..In Which American Columbus Day Meets Canadian Thanksgiving Day And A Fiery Explosion Occurs

  15. I do not want to be mugged at all, however, I appreciate the entertainment value of the vine swing.

    Dr. – Do NOT MUG ME- I Carry Weapons – Wright

  16. into my late twenties, until my wife corrected me, I always thought that the lyric for “I second that emotion” was “I’ll set your night in motion” – obviously I was completely oblivious to the title of the song. Plus that woulda been pretty racy for the time, too.

    Stephen’s last blog post..left of left field

  17. My husband used to sing, “Take me down to the very last city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty…” I wanted to kill him. WTH? You own the CD. How could you possibly think the words to “Paradise City” where “very last city”. Good gravy, boy.

    Oh, and that Betty Davis Eyes song made me want to clear my throat over and over. That lady sang like Phoebe on Friends when she had the “sexy phlegm”. GACK.

    Kim @ Ponytaildiaries.com’s last blog post..No need to search

  18. The video for Betty Davis Eyes used to freak me the hell out!

    Of course, now that I’ve read this, as have hundreds of other people, I’m going to be paranoid about a Tarzan-like- mugger swooping down on me from a vine, as I walk out of the movie theatre, all squinty eyed.

    Gee thanks.

    Auds at Barking Mad’s last blog post..Sunday, a Day of Rest? Yeah Right!

  19. When I was a kid there was a commercial that always played (and still plays) for Northridge Mall (in Salinas, which is a WONDERFUL CITY BELIEVE ME), and at the end it said, “101 at Boranda Road, Salinas.” But I thought it said “What a wonder we’re on the road, Salinas” for oh, about 20 years. I just figured it out VERY RECENTLY, when I happened to be looking at our TV when the commercial played, and read the words at the bottom of the screen. The words that read “101 at Boranda Road, Salinas.”
    Also. Craig Kilborn was totally the local Salinas sports caster when I was a child, which made his eventual fame quite shocking.
    Also. I’m not from Salinas, but in my pre-cable childhood, the only FOX station we got was the Salinas station.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..The world is ending, but I’m obsessed with glasses

  20. You’re so right about the fair, because I think people at church are usually armed nowadays anyway. He’d totally get killed while robbing them.

  21. good argument. i am happy to see other couples have these senseless conversations. the squinty eye theory is not bad. not sure about the fair. would depend on the locale.

    is mugger on monster.com? do you think you would have to take a skills test?

    amyz5’s last blog post..Advice to my son

  22. Um, dudess, totally mugging at the fair! .. but just one thing, here in NC the fair is seriously gang turf. Which gangs? Dunno, because as soon as they see my badass self they run so fast…

    That’s right.. you’d better run! Punks! I’ll projectile vomit all over your punk ass!

    AND you never ever want to mug anyone coming out of the movies, because you don’t know if they’re all adrenalined out n’ stuff.

    david’s last blog post..Dead Confederate Haunts The Cradle

  23. I would take Victor’s logic one step farther (because that’s what I do) the best place to mug someone is coming out of a Mexican Restaurant ’cause it’s pitch black in those places, they’ve had a few margaritas and smell like carnitas. Hopefully.

    the slackmistress’s last blog post..Champagne Cyborg.

  24. I confuse Highlander with real life all the time– I thought I was the only one!

    I usually realize I’ve made the mistake yet again when someone gives me That Look after I scream “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!” in their face while flailing amateurishly at them with whatever weapon-like object is at hand.

    You know the look I’m talking about.

    P.S. You can tell Victor that even when several days elapse, real life DOES work that way, so consequently you would be the better mugger. End of argument.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Keep friends close and let enemies pummel you

  25. Our local fairs are in church parking lots. Most people around here tend to show up after cocktail hour (if you get my drift), so they would be especially easy targets. I’d be happy to help you with the mugging. I always thought maybe I could have a calling in mugging.

    clickmom’s last blog post..repulsive

  26. What’s truly humerus about this (besides, well, ALL OF IT), is the part about Highlander. Because I can think of at least 15 separate instances where I’ve said to Big Sexy “honey, you’re forgetting again that you’re not Highlander…”, usually followed by “…so when I come after you for breaking my car, AGAIN, a church will not be a safe place to hide”.

  27. Mary: um, you can mug people in church you just can’t kill them, that rule thing goes “thou shalt not kill or steal and such and such” not “though shalt not mug”, which technically could save your life from the people who would stab you for taking their money.

    Bob: What about Macdonalds? They have a lot of money.

    Mary: Those kids will kill you. Maybe if the Macdonalds was in a church.

    Bob: They should totally make those.

    JL’s last blog post..Flea in French is female so they’re all lesbinums

  28. The Highlander does not reflect real life? I am shattered.

    Best place to mug is of course through the legitimate means afforded us by becoming investment banker or stock brokers because than we are eligible to have our ill-gotten gains replaced via a govenrment bail out – should we need it.

    Annie’s last blog post..A Happy Canadian Thanksgiving

  29. To even have the balls to mug someone at church you would have to be Atheist or at least Agnostic…and even then you better have conviction. What if you robbed someone at church and were and Atheist and God does exist? You’re especially fucked, then.

  30. Reminds me of that David Sedaris bit about when he realized you could be a hippy and bum change off people. Not sure why, it just does.

    Oh, yeah, and I’d be a better mugger because they wouldn’t even see me coming. And because I would get them before they entered the fair and therefore before they’d spent a dime. Then again, I would set up my own ATM at the fair and it would dispense only Monopoly money.

    Sleep Deprivation Ninja’s last blog post..Haiku

  31. I am very sad I can’t think of a clever way to mug people, or when to mug them.

    I do think your timing is better, movies are EXPENSIVE and you have used all your cash inside. All you would get is the last 17 kernals of popcorn that they were too cheap to throw away, and maybe half a box of Junior Mints.

    Hotch Potchery’s last blog post..I worry about the dumbest crap

  32. So now I find out that the Cult of Highlander hangs out over here…guess I’m not so special running around telling anybody who will listen “There can be only one!” At least I can always count on one of your posts and the comments making me feel normal. THANKS!

    Catazon’s last blog post..KISS My @$$

  33. I would think outside of a masseuse’s office would be ideal – the victim would be a oily and woozy from The Relaxation.

    My brother used to sing the Rolling Stones “She’s so cold” as “I’m so up a bah, I’m so up a bah and she’s so cold” (i am so hot for her…” in only rubberboots and an oversized t-shirt.

    deidre’s last blog post..A Found Unpublished Post

  34. Tracey, have you read these comments? There are people far more fucked up than me out there and some of them are are considering how to murder people or rob naked women in stirrups. If anything I’m the sane one here.

  35. I think we should all buy Toyota Highlanders and then drive around, running into one another and when the cops show up to write tickets, we all just scream, “There can be only one!”

    Wait. This post wasn’t about Highlander, was it?

    Dang.

    Never mind.

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Temper, Temper.

  36. Loved your interview with BHJ. You two are freaking funny.

    My brother thought the words to I shot the Sheriff was “I jot the Jerritt” for YEARS. Until he was like 17 and some chick told him he was a loser because he kept insisting he was right.

    I might be dumb, but wouldn’t the best place to mug someone be, at the ATM?

    Issa’s last blog post..Happy baby shower iMommy!!!

  37. Mug people in the dressing room of a clothing store. Lots of them still have just curtains or swinging doors. Are they really going to chase after you when they’re naked under such bad lighting? I think not.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..misfit

  38. Mugging at the fair is a totally unsafe activity. Especially if you are a little drunk, and accidentally wake up the carnies, who pack like, nintey seventeen four bazillion sharp knives all over their persons, and those carnies? Not afraid to use the knives.

    At least, that’s what happened when some friends *cough* accidentally woke up some carnies at our little fair last year.

    Pamela’s last blog post..housekeeping saturday

  39. I wouldn’t be impressed by a vine-swinging mugger.

    But if the vines were Twizzlers’ low-rent cousin, Red Vines, then I would just hand over the entire contents of my purse (maybe I’d hold out my favorite pen) and probably kiss said mugger on the mouth.

    Because that, my friend, is a mugger with both skills and panache.

  40. My husband insists that the words to Donovan’s Mellow Yellow are “They call me Mellow Yellow…quite right slick.”

    The actual lyrics are “They call me Mellow Yellow – quite rightly.”

    We will both sing the song and yell that part at the tops of our lungs to drown each other out, which is ironic since that part is whispered in the song.

    Kylie’s last blog post..Let’s Play Tag

  41. I always thought it was “spaz”, too, and couldn’t figure out why? Betty Davis a spaz? I’m so glad you cleared that up for me.

    BTW the fair is a totally perfect place to rob people because not only do they have cash, many of them are tripping.

  42. The only way to trump his mugging someone at church is to say you’re mugging someone as they’re coming out of a hospital, in a wheelchair. They’re in the wheelchair, not you. There are plenty of things there for you to tie your vines to (I’m assuming you bring your own) and your victims would be so weak as to not put up a very good fight. The problem there is they’re not likely to have a lot of cash on them. But then again, neither are people coming out of a church, because they’ve given all their money to God. But I guess if you get them going INTO church, then Victor’s onto something. But still, if being the better mugger is actually a euphemism for who can be the bigger asshole, I think you’d win if you were to mug fresh parolees from the hospital. It’s one thing to mug someone on Sacred Grounds (and yes, I think that’s a totally valid argument, regardless of origin) but another thing entirely to mug a weak, sick person at a place THAT CONTAINS sacred grounds, since most hospitals have chapels in them and are named St. Something That’s Supposed to Sound Soothing So You’ll Trust Us Not To Kill You When You’re Sick or Injured. But a weak, sick person + on-site chapel + wheelchair = BEST MUGGER EVAH. Feel free to use my argument the next time the subject comes up.

    You’re welcome.

    Shutter Bitch’s last blog post..The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and Tic Tacs

  43. I finally read the BHJ interview today (I’ve been busy eating donuts!) and it is possibly my favorite blogger interview ever. Especially when you told me my sweater makes me look like a floozie. You’re right. It does.

  44. hhmmm… vines… they would need a handle for when it is rainy or even a heavy fog. Is that too trapeze-y? There’s an idea. Work the circus. It is dark like the movies and similar to the fair. It just might work.
    Just as an FYI… this sounds much cooler when you do it in the whispering Russian voice I hear in my head.

  45. I have to agree with you on this one. Particularly if you get the person a couple hours into their trip, when they’re slow-moving because they’re loaded down with a Pronto Pup and a deep-fried Snickers bar or two. Plus, the vast majority of the people who attend fairs in the midwest are already a little on the heavy side to begin with, so outrunning them really isn’t too much of an issue.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..What Would Happen If Men Really Had to Run the World?

  46. When I mug people, I mean if I mugged people, I would use a row boat to take control of the waters of the Shuyllkill River in Philadelphia and come to shore to loot and rape the people who enjoy their picnics on the bank because no one suspects to be mugged by the blonde girl in the row boat and sometimes I’d attack the other people in their kayaks and crew boats with pinecones and dog poop just to teach them a lesson that these waters are mine, bitches.

  47. I would not feel fine being a Mexican. I’d feel bueno.

    And I think the best place to mug someone is at the Renaissance Festival becase A) I was just there and it’s fresh on my mind and B) everyone would think it was just part of the show and you could totally make off without being caught.

  48. I think that I would feel fantastic being a Mexican. 🙂

    And I’ve always thought that mugging people must take a very highly skilled ballsy person. I know I would be a terrible mugger and I’d get caught immediately.

    Shoegirl’s last blog post..The Drama of Going Out of Town

  49. My new plan for paying off the farm debts includes sitting outside our small town dirty book store and taking photos of the people walking out then making them pay me hush-money. It might be illegal although I remember someone doing something like this in a John Grisham novel once. And John Grisham was a law-yuh – so he would know.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..A Contest Winner… And A Preview

  50. Wouldn’t it be awesome to rob someone when they just come outta a porn store?
    If they bought anyhing you get a bonus! (as long as its clean that is…..)

  51. Once I was mugged at gunpoint…while jogging. Of course, the mugger-boy was so excited about trying to mug me (or possibly he was very high) that it took a while to explain about how joggers don’t usually carry cash. In my case, though, they do carry cigarettes. Which he stole.

    rebekah’s last blog post..Yoga people, meet Forces of Nature I and II

  52. Ok, here’s what you do: You go to medical school for 4 years, do a few more years of residency and such, and THEN you will be allowed alone in hospital rooms with strangers who are either
    A: too weak to fight back
    B: too drugged to remember
    C: unconscious
    You can mug the shit outta those chumps. Of course, they most likely will not have any valuables with them, so you can steal their narcotics. You’d actually be doing them a favor. Fucking junkies.

  53. I want to know if they collect mad cash from the bottom of the Gravitron when it has finished spinning. Or some other nauseating-type ride designed to have you spend money to get on it and then lose money as you’re tossed upside-down and barfing.

    Come to think of it, I was once on the Gravitron and the operator thought he was really hawt shit and he tried to “surf” on this railing in the middle of the thing. He fell on his nutsack and had to be let off the Gravitron with an obvious limp.

    Why I share this with you I don’t know. But damnit I feel better having shared.

    trannyhead’s last blog post..Yeah, Yeah, I know It’s Totally Incensed Tuesday …

  54. I used to steal from the collection plate at my church. Even then I was an evil shit, I knew they were going to use it to buy candy, comic books and drugs for little boys anyway. I just got the jump on the priest.

    Fill’s last blog post..I like to curse…..

  55. Somehow I get elton john stuck in my head. But it’s not just one song because I don’t know all the words to one song, instead it’s a montage of elton one liners all made into one song.

  56. Oh my gosh, I really thought it said “spaz” for a long time! When I really want to get a good laugh, I open a random page of this book: “‘Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy: And Other Misheard Lyrics.” Here are a couple of the ones that make me snort beverages out of my nose:

    “CINNAMON GU-UM!” Opening line of Steve Perry’s song, “Oh, Sherry.” Supposed to be “Shoulda been gone”

    “There’s a bathroom on the right…” CCR’s Bad Moon Rising.

  57. Ignorant of the title of the song, I always sang it this way, “She’s got better days aside.” Even now I think it is better this way.

  58. I remember this image from some old book, maybe a Times Life dealie, of this towering monster costume that a mugger in New York wore in the 30’s. The costume was confiscated by police, who said that it was particularly impressive, but was not uncommon to hear about muggers using props and costumes to frighten victims. Now I can’t find it anywhere… but I swear it was real.

  59. Now I’ve got the god-damn Gwyneth Paltrow version of that song in my head.

    Off to bang my head against the wall.

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