I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t care *what* you do with semen.

in advice, blogging about blogging again, God I hope this is spam, no one thinks this is funny but me, Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished
I installed Google Analytics on my blog about a year ago and it’s awesome unsettling because it tells you which google searches are bringing people to your blog and you get wonderful disturbing reports like this:
Awesome.  And what’s even sadder is how many fewer people are searching for Jesus than are searching for some good old elephant p0rn.  And even more disturbing?  The actual Jesus searches that led you here.
 
Jesus-related Google Searches that ended up at The Bloggess:
   
why is jesus not a zombie
 
jesus likes squirrels
 
jesus save my cat
 
jesus figure whose hair and fingernails grow
 
jesus sasquatch painting
 
vampire jesus -christ
 
jesus died for myspace
 
jesus said don’t fax any cats
 
jesus eating funny things
 
get that shit out of here, black jesus action figure
 
“is jesus ok with me drinking my husband’s semen?”
 
jesus.christ.is.a.lion
 
On a somewhat unrelated note, number of times the word “vagina” was mentioned in yesterday’s post?  One hundred and nine.  Honestly, it’s hard not to be proud.
 
Also unrelated and possibly a message from God?  This word captcha I just got.  Awesome.
  
Comment of the day: True Story: There is a canadian made movie entitled “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” where Jesus comes back to fight a) Vampires, b) Lesbian Vampires, and c) a mexican wrestler. ~ Trista

128 thoughts on “I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t care *what* you do with semen.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I’m certainly not surprised that you get more people searching for elephant porn than for Jesus. Because it’s unlikely that Jesus would contemplate naming his dog My Vagina, while the elephant porn seekers definitely would. Not that I’m saying that Jesus is humorless, but maybe just a tad bit more mature…

  3. The saying is true! Great minds do think alike!! Not because of the weird “Is Jesus ok with me drinking my husband’s semen” searches but because I just did a post today on searches that bring people to my blog. Weird.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Hump Day Humor: Get in Shape

  13. Wow, I didn’t know Jesus was into so much stuff. Those must be all the lost gospels. If I had known he was that freaky, I might have paid more attention in church.

    Jim’s last blog post..The Ride

  15. I’m jealous! I’ll swap my “dry-humping Mormon prophets” for your “Jesus died for Myspace.”

    Really you’d be crazy not to accept. Who doesn’t want to be the proud owner of some dry-humping?

  16. Wait…so no one else found this blog by searching for Jesus’ guest appearance in an elephant porn?

  22. I think that is totally interesting! I might add Google Analytical to mine. I got like 3 readers! But it would be interesting to see what words people search that causes my blog to come up. I got a blog called Panty Attack that I bet gets some hits.

  24. The answer to the question of whether Jesus would be OK for a wife drinking her husband’s semen is: well, it depends, if she’s saving it and drinking it in a mug for breakfast, then probably no.

    Robin’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  25. Ooh, I think that last search is a typo. There is a lolcat picture called, “Jesus Christ, it’s a lion”.
    Wow, I had no idea jesus was so weird. And do people still fax?
    I’m surprised you didn’t get any searches about
    “jesus kicked me in the vagina”.

    Mari’s last blog post..This makes me laugh…

  28. Obviously, Jesus Christ is trying to lead your readers to Heaven. Or to your vagina. Which may be the same thing. I wouldn’t know. Because you’ve never given me pie.

  30. I am the Internet’s never-ending source for all things monkey porn related.

    Well, personally, I am not a monkey porn expert, though I’ve do watch the Discovery Channel, but my blog apparently is like wikipedia for that crap.

    Also, do you think that search should read as “Vampires! JESUS CHRIST!!” or “Vampire Jesus!! CHRIST!”

    for a different kind of girl (FADKOG)’s last blog post..a random collection of items with a propensity to suck

  31. I keep getting searches on my blog for “smoking cinnamon sticks gets you high” and “my mom helps me jack off” and “how do I jack off with no hands.”

    It always leads them to an entry I wrote about carving pumpkins. Go figure!

  37. Um hello, Jesus is totally leading people to you. It’s like you’re the promised land or something. I’m pretty sure this would be pretty significant to the people at your office. Cause, you know, they would get it.

    Also, I’m really hoping there is such a thing as a black jesus action figure and when you pull it’s string it yells GET THAT SHIT OUT OF HERE in a real 1970s black jesus type of way.

    And I’m pretty sure that person that was looking for divine confirmation that it’s OK to drink semen was horrified when she landed here.

  38. For my last also of the day, the term “drinking semen” makes me think of milkshakes and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at vanilla milkshakes the same way again. Although I was really just waiting for something to push me over that edge.

  39. So I totally get how you wound up with the Jesus Sasquatch search… and even the semen swallowing one; I mean, it totally sounds like a search you’d perform on your 15 minute break, for fun… but ummm Jesus said don’t fax any cats? The net is the real, and scary, Twilight Zone, isn’t it? And capchat calling you a whoretwat was just mean… Jesus isn’t happy with the fact that his father laughs his ass off reading your blog, huh?

    Aria’z Ink’s last blog post..Florence, and I Don’t Mean Italy

  42. I’m kind of surprised by these search results, because I have always thought your blog contained an alarmingly small amount of elephant porn.

    I also wonder if they’re looking for a painting that depicts Jesus as a Sasquatch, or if they’re more interested in seeing Jesus just kind of standing beside a Sasquatch. Either way … AWESOME!

    Momma Trish’s last blog post..Who do you love?

  45. was this a real post? What would Jesus do? Read the Bloggess everyday for guidance, what else?

    I told my Queen about your post about BJ/My Vagina. We spent hours and hours coming up with MyVagina jokes. Like her favorite, …my vagina likes to hang out the window and drool when I drive.

    Thanks to the Bloggess, my wife and I had an evening of quality time. Of course, when the kiddies were around we would just say, “My (pause) likes to chew on the legs of the table” (x 10 bazillion udder jokes)

    reeky’s last blog post..Commission is Completed

  48. Well I for one am glad that the confused lost souls out there have a safe haven of Bloggess land to come to with all of their Jesus zombie squirrel type google quests.

    Saint Jenny to the rescue!

    Summer’s last blog post..Dating Like A Man

  60. I’m pretty sure our Jesus are friends. My Jesus is an action figure we hide in various places in the house and then yell “BOO” when someone mentions masturbating or, conversely, comes to “save” us.

    On another unrelated note, I once dated a man with the last name Seaman. He was churchy. Also, ironically, a virgin.

    (What the fuck is the plural of Jesus? Jesus’? Jesuses? Thy Holy Svaiors? Jesus. Christ.)

    Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..On Resolutions

  61. um…even though I’ve completed the 12 step process to post-evangelicalness…my old ways are kind of scaring me into thinking that I may just possibly be struck down for interacting the people whose google searches led them here…..”Jesus who’s fingernails and hair grows…” I don’t wanna know….wait…I actually, kind of do.
    Off to google weird Jesus things and see if they lead to your blog! I’ll keep you posted!

    Jessica’s last blog post..Shuttle Train

  64. I read somewhere that Jesus also recently installed Google Analytics to see what brought people to him.

    Turns out the phrase “That Jenny Bloggess girl is fucking hilarious. Am I going to hell now?” is the 7th most popular search. Right between “Is Carrot Top the AntiChrist?” and “I sent George W. Bush a rabid gerbil as a going away present. Is that a sin?”

  66. I’m sorry, I can’t stop it.

    “How much would it cost to get My Vagina dipped for fleas?”

    The Catholic Church would likely disagree with you on Jesus’ concern for your (well, not your) semen. But I don’t think it’s in the Bible, it might have been the Council of Trent, or maybe the First Council of Nicaea. If I had to put money on it, I’d guess the Second Council of the Lateran. You know someone out there knows when they got together to discuss Jesus’ stance on semen.

  67. Semen has mind control properties, did you know that? My husband told me about it and I totally believe him and actually find it alluring.

    Thanks for your vote by the way though I am still getting my sorry ass kicked.

    Oh, and totally a heavenly sign from the Great One.

    annie’s last blog post..Midori by Moonlight – Wendy Nelson Tokunaga

  68. This is actually my favorite periodic feature on my blog: our roughly monthly review of the search logs. These are a few of my favorite searches:

    forcibly sodomized man: Worst. Superhero. Ever.

    “Is my man gay because he prefers doggystyle?” Depends. Does he say “Oh, Heath!” while he’s doing it?

    scientology own the police! oh s**t! [sic] Wow.

    mutant dicks: Yeah, they can be kind of obnoxious. Burning this, twisted limbs that, wah wah everyone recoils from me. Shut up!

    Ken’s last blog post..MontalBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHN!

  69. For years one of the most common google searches that ended up on my site was “olsen twins feet”. It disturbed me greatly. I don’t remember what I had blogged about that matched that but I’m fairly confident that it had nothing to do with what people searching for “olsen twins feet” were searching for. I’m not sure if it’ll be as effective anymore (you’ll find out soon enough), now that they’ve gone from pedophile fetish objects to post-pubescent drug addled has-beens.

  71. Fuckin’ A that word captcha is awesome.

    I get loads of image searches related to big uteruses (uteri?). I didn’t realize there were so many women with that problem.

  74. Oh, wait! IS there a black Jesus action figure? Next time I think you should provide actual helpful links to the searches.

  76. One time I blogged about a beauty contest for Catholic nuns so Google Analytics kept showing me all these searches about naughty nuns that lead to my site. Well, then I posted about the searches and now I am getting things like, “Nuns Who Eat Snatch.” Really, who wants to watch nuns eat snatch?

  81. Damn it!!! I have been up and down this site and I still can’t find the elephant porn. Can someone help me out already??

  82. This blog is like a Google search scavenger hunt for stuff I had no idea existed like tentacle sex. Please tell me elephant porn isn’t like tentacle sex.

  84. You know, typing p0rn or pron brings more freakshow searches than just plain old porn.

    Seems the freaks are on to us. Or us. Or whatever.

    On a totally unrealated note, do you know anyone in China? Cause I wanna know if our blogs and their subject mattery thingies are banned there. Cause that would be totally awesome.

    Kelley’s last blog post..At least I am not as stupid as her. I know what an Ewok is. I had one stuck to my shoe the other day.

  87. i’m moving “vampire jesus christ” to the top of my netflix queue now that i’m done watching “monster truck moses.”

  91. Reading your blog made me realize I really do not use the word Vagina enough or Jesus or Vagina and Jesus in the same sentence. Oddly enough we talk about Elephant Porn every day at work, lol.

    Jenn’s last blog post..I Have No Boogers

  92. I’m always amazed by the searches that bring people to my blog but the most frequent one is a Google Images search of a picture of a Rolls Royce that I “borrowed” from their website last year. Who even knew Rolls Royce was that popular any more? It’s astonishing really.

    kendall’s last blog post..More Karaoke News–New Save the Date

  94. Jesus was all.. “drink my blood and eat my flesh for everlasting life”…I am sure he would be okay with a little semen.

    For that matter I think it should be part of the wedding vows. to love, honor, cherish, swallow.

    William’s last blog post..Best Ever

  99. I think Jesus is more concerned with what you *dont* do with semen…I mean how awesome would that be if semen was the cure for, like, broken puppies, and here we are drinking it… If I were Jesus I would be pretty pissed.

  101. Love your blog. So glad my search for “Jesus cat ate my semen” led me here.

    As a newbie I must ask. Is there any reason why your post are so damn small that they can only be read 4″ from the screen, but everyone’s comments are large enough to be read across the street?

  102. that’s weird. It looks fine in my browser. Anyone else seeing it like that? I’m the last person in the world still on Internet explorer so maybe it’s me.

  106. Guess what Jenny! I just did a search for “Jesus Come My Vagina” and guess who’s blog came up numero uno!? Yours did, sister. It has to mean something. Like maybe you will immaculately conceive the next Messiah. Only more people will listen to the Messiah this time. Cause it will be a girl. And she’ll be really funny. Is your daughter displaying any Messiah-like traits yet?

    PS Keep your Pug away from any Lab gangs. I’m pretty sure they swing both ways. And with those sexy dreidel earrings and tats, he’s dogmeat.

    Queen B’s last blog post..Too Bad Locks of Love Doesn’t Collect Body Hair

  107. Is it me or is Kate Hudson really flat chested… Like borderline boy flat chested which is off topic from all the elephant porn and Jesus vaginas but I was just sitting here and thinking about it since I was watching The Soup and they were showing her bikini picture. Yeah, so what was I saying?

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Random Thoughts…

  110. “that’s weird. It looks fine in my browser. Anyone else seeing it like that?”

    I’m using Firefox on Ubuntu and it looks OK to me.

    Steve’s last blog post..Perspective

  114. DUHhhhhh . . . isn’t “Get That Shit Out Of Here, Black Jesus Action Figure” a fair synopsis of most of your postings…?

    I mean, stating the obvious.

    All that semen drinking is just besides the point . . .

  120. Would you call an Elephant that stared in a porn movie “My BIG Vagina”?

    I’m not even gonna ask if Jesus would watch it…

  122. So, I’m new to your blog, and I’m reading through the archives while playing an MMO, and I was on vent, which is a program that lets you talk to other, similarly nerdy people over the internet to coordinate your strategies of how to kill things that are not even real but we fight them to validate our pasty, couch-sitting souls, and I totally started laughing so hard I cried and couldn’t see the screen and couldn’t hear my headset and I made us all die to like a rabbit. Thanks, The Bloggess. Thanks for ruining my cybercareer.

    (P.S. nothing is ruined and I love your blog)

  123. I’ll never admit to myself, or anone else, that I visit this blog, you’re crazy, in an
    off-the-wall, very funny, way.

  124. Hello,

    I was wondering if you could tell me how to install the google analytics (spelling?) on my blog. If you would be so kind as to email me on how to do it, I’d be grateful to you!

    Peace!

    Lea’s last blog post..And almost better!

  125. Pingback: Balloon Juice » Blog Archive » Catching Flies With Honey
  126. Pingback: Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-01-22 | VOTE FOR ME
  127. Pingback: Carbon Footprints | SQLBatman.com

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It's like I'm stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

MY INSTAGRAM

Remember last week when Hailey graduated from kindergarten?
Last high school dance.
Yesterday I was telling my friends that I have to take Hailey to the Blossom Culp stadium for graduation practice and they looked at me weird bc apparently it’s the “Blossom stadium” and I’ve been saying it wrong for years and I just realized that Blossom Culp was the heroine of Richard Peck book series I loved when I was little and had forgotten existed until now.
When the roles are reversed and your child tells you to go to sleep and then records you for their TikTok.

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Game Night Kit: All-in-one classic card game kits make the perfect gift, but you’ll want them for yourself, too! Lets skip book club tonight, drink wine & play games instead ~time together is magic!

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Coolest American Stories 2023: If you want a book of unputdownable, unpretentious, full-length short stories, we got ya covered. Our 2022 volume went to a 3rd printing; readers are singing this volume’s praises, too.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Perfectionist Anonymous: Proudly serving unpolished working motherhood, with bipolar depression and hilarity on the side.

Active Voice Productions  made a cool little movie with a role they wanted The Bloggess for but instead got Bonnie Hunt. Seriously. That’s what happened.

Scaredy Cat Travels: Traveling the world with the worst carry-on anxiety.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

Quantum Possum: an inclusive, neurodivergence-affirming graphic novel taking readers on a wacky & frequently sidetracked adventure through Cosmic Bog, helping creatures in need and including everyone in the fun.

The Second: Colleen Burns Durda’s candid memoir about a suburban mom with a side hustle-she’s The Second Coming. Laugh, cry and learn how she copes with her bipolar diagnosis.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

The Family Skeptical Podcast: We’re an atheist couple raising two children – we ask big questions, dissect weird parenting moments, and are jealous that our cats get so much sleep.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: Just read it. Trust me.

%d bloggers like this: