If you don’t twitter just skip this. Or if you do. Either way really.

Random things I twittered last week after being insulted:

Then today I opened up my mail and discovered that BrentO had made me my very own twitter shirt:

 

It’s soft, fuzzy, immediately outdated and is so dorky that it’s infinitely cool it’s slightly awesome it looks like there’s a rainbow coming from my left boob.

PS. Twitter is like the DVD commentary to my blog.  If you don’t read it you are missing such gems as:

WhiteI’d wish you all a Happy Presidents Day but I don’t know where the apostrophe goes.

WhiteDoes the day *belong* to the President? Is it possessive? Plural? Plural possessive?

WhiteIf I was Obama I’d be all “Bow down, assholes. This is MY day. Free ice cream for the President. Who is me.”

But he probably already gets free ice cream. If I was the president I’d ask everyone to send me Jewish greeting cards.

Not because I’m Jewish but because the Jewish card market is largely unsupported and it would help stimulate the economy.

I’m always thinking.

Am I the only one that has a special ring tone for Chase’s credit card collections department? They call me more than anyone I know.

WhiteIf MLK told me “I have a dream…” I’d have been “Was it that one where all your clothes have turned into ferrets and you’re late for work?”

And then he’d get all distracted and forget what his dream really was. It’s probably a good thing I was never part of his posse.

If Jesus cared what you were going to do with semen he would have mentioned it in the Constitution.

So my coworker is all “I don’t even know where to begin on correcting you on that last twitter”

Apparently I said Jesus wrote “the Constitution” when I meant that he wrote “the Commandments”

And then it turns out Jesus didn’t even write the Commandments?!

And I’m all “The hell he didn’t!”

My coworker :Why don’t you look it up? It’s all probably all outlined in the Bill of Rights.

He’s kind of an asshole.

No! Jesus is not an asshole. Jesus is awesome. I love his wine trick. Fuck.

In other words, you should block me immediately if you haven’t already.

Comment of the day: I have a coworker whose boyfriend signed his cat up to twitter. The cat is so popular that soon he will have more followers than our company’s product has users. ~ Susan

157 thoughts on “If you don’t twitter just skip this. Or if you do. Either way really.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You’re on permanent follow for the Jesus and Constitution tweet. You’re brilliant even in accidents, like my wife, who said “There are too many people writing autobiographies about people they don’t even *know.*”

  2. Marinka makes an excellent point about fluctuating numbers of followers. Perhaps you really need a shirt with digital screen inserts that could be constantly updated? Sort of like those tacky holiday sweaters that actually light up, crossed with a 1980s McDonald’s restaurant sign that offered a digital tally of burgers served.

    MommyTime’s last blog post..The Agony of Defeat

  3. Following you on Twitter was the single greatest thing I have done on the internets… besides my homemade porno…

    (I kid.)

    (?)

    Your t-shirt is so fucking cool it hurts my eyes.

    Ally B’s last blog post..Regression

  4. New brilliant idea: Twitter fortune cookies, featuring the best tweets of The Bloggess. (For those of us who don’t twitter but like Chinese food.)

  5. “rainbow coming from my right boob.”

    Not to be overly familiar, but isn’t that your left boob, and wasn’t that the side that Bullet McCoy was on in the picture in my mind, and aren’t you not supposed to post pictures like that to my mind, ’cause doesn’t that make you my imaginary stalker.

  6. You would think it was my left boob but technically I had to flip the picture so it wouldn’t look backward since I took it in the mirror so actually it’s my right boob. It’s like a trick question involving my boob.

  7. Your tweets are some of my favorites. I often find myself laughing after reading something you wrote and when somebody asks me what I’m laughing at, I try to explain but then just give up. Fuck. YOU try and explain The Bloggess to someone.

    Is the centaur raising the angry fist?!?

    Ryan’s last blog post..The internet is fun but I like people more

  8. Well, I really feel like my 30 whole followers deems me a highly qualified communicator, so your thousands makes me think you should be giving the State of the Union or in the very fucking least president of that company you were applying for a job with.
    Rockin’ Shirt!

    Shonda Little’s last blog post..Hellbent on Lent

  9. “You would think it was my left boob”

    Sorry, I am sort of new here, so I don’t know the proper title for a bloggess, so I am just going to go with Your Binaryness,

    But unless Your Binaryness owns a shirt with mirror image writing on it, then that is indeed your left boob. Trust me on this, I have spent 30 year staring at these things, not yours in particular (I don’t think your boobs look a day over 25) but just boobs in general.

    begin{Geek}
    You see when you took the picture in the mirror, the image had the wrong orientation, but you then went on photo-shop (or maybe bloggesses have magic computer powers) and reflected it in a vertical line. Thus the net effect is of someone taking a picture of you from the opposite side of the mirror at the same distance from it as you.
    end{Geek}

    You can see from that incredibly suave and sexy explanation why my relationship with boobs has been almost entirely visual to date.

    Nonetheless, that is your left boob, and we, the loyal minions, deserve a correction.

  10. Even newer brilliant idea: Bloggess Brand Bra Strap Distractor Decals. Available in Centaur, Ninja, and new Color-Changing Zombie Jesus.

    And here’s the only marketing line you’ll need to sell millions of them:

    Bloggess Brand Bra Strap Distractor Decals are the official bra strap distractor decals of Nancy Kappes, paralegal.

  11. After you mentioned the rainbow boob it made me think of you nursing a lephrouchan, also, I don’t spellcheck when I’m drunk and that seemed like the fancy way to spell leprochan? Sorry for that.

    An aside, I just purchased a Jewish housewarming card for my friend and her Jew husband. He was all “wow its the only Jew card we’ve received, ever” so you are right about the market.

  12. Pulling out the ‘I’m the President’ card to get free ice cream is almost as good as pulling out the ‘I have AIDS’ card. Not quite, though, because being the president doesn’t get as much pity. At least with AIDS people feel bad for you, you know? They wanna help you. When you’re the president people expect YOU to help THEM and pull rainbows out of your ass and stuff.

  13. I hate that MFer called twitter. That shit is just ridiculous. Call me an old fashion beeeatch but you could not pay me enough to use it. Give me a rotary dial phone and I will be in heaven. But if YOU use IT, it must be really like 0.00001 percent good. I’ll think about using it again in about a millennium.

    Julia’s last blog post..Decode This!!-Part II

  14. “…which of your boobs has rainbows shooting out of it.”

    Not to worry, it is a very flattering rainbow no matter which boob it emanates from.

    Oh and by the way, is this sort of electromagnetic emanation normal for a bloggess, and does that mean that you don’t need a flashlight when you go camping, ’cause nothin’ is worse than getting up in the middle of the night to go pee and having to spend 15 minutes trying to find the @#$%# flashlight.

  15. Oh and by the way, I think you are the funniest thing on the web since fafblog lost its lust for pie.

    All hail Giblets (just in case).

  16. Why does the centaur have to have a human torso and the ass/legs of a horse? Until the equine world is equally represented in the facial area, there will not be peace in the world. Also? If mermaids had the torso of a fish and legs like a woman, guys wouldn’t be staring so much. Perverts.

    apathy lounge’s last blog post..Why, God? Why?

  17. That t-shirt is hysterical and I can only imagine a fucking lifecoach wearing one. Or maybe you could put on the back “I AM A SPAM-BOT.” Gloating can be totally fun, though, so I say wear it around town one day and see if anyone notices or cares. A twitterexperiment, if you will.

    Amysprite’s last blog post..Totally Awkward Tuesday

  18. I think you definitely have to send this shirt back with a Thank You card and a demand for a replacement that not only updates your numbers (surely far greater after this) but adds the now-mandatory centaur to the shoulder.

    Also it should feature some sort of chalk outline for where the rainbows shoot out from your boob(s).

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Your post title is on its way!

  19. speaking of Jesus’ wine trick…is THAT what ash wednesday is all about? cause if so that makes no sense. but I’m still trying to figure this out…there are too many damn Jesus related holidays. I mean, he takes a poop and we have to celebrate. If I were Jesus I would be all “just let me read the damn sports section and leave me alone!” and then I would use my magical powers to distract everyone with cool things like griffins and fawns and like monkeys that fly like in the wizard of oz cause that’s pretty much all I would do if I had magical powers like Jesus.

    Hannah’s last blog post..I <3 the Ace and chocolate covered pumpkin men

  20. When I grow up, I want to be just like you, but that will be difficult because I’m pretty sure I’m older than you.

    Also, I recently had Mr. Lumpy (a benign bastard) removed from my bewb, but I would have much rather had a rainbow come out of there instead. Please advise.

    califmom’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: Good News

  21. I’m bowing down to you right now… which is making it hard to type.
    I really don’t have anything witty to say.
    Umm… you look like you’re missing your right hand. Which is cool ’cause some people dig that.

    Amber Mc’s last blog post..My Five Month Old…

  22. Please don’t let these small-minded shallow thinkers get you down. If your left lacto-melon can produce a rainbow, there is no reason that your right fun-bag couldn’t do the same. I am betting, because you are my close personal friend, that you are ambibreastrous. Viva La Pi?atit.

  23. I understand there is centaur porn with midgets. I haven’t looked it up. I’m still scarred from googling tentacle sex.

  24. The boob rainbow is kewl. Like a combination of God’s promise that the world will never be destroyed by a flood again and the promise that a good bra never lets you down. Or something like that.

  25. I’m a dork, so I got one of those Zazzle t-shirts to wear to BlogHer. I added a bunch to my number of followers, but it’s already way off. By July it will be a joke.

    The thing is, I’m so much funnier on Twitter than I am on my blog, my blog readers have deserted me. Now they hang around all day on twitter waiting for me to say something hilarious.

    DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

    Poppy Buxom’s last blog post..Mental masturbation, or, what I learned from doing Blog365

  26. When I first discovered you in October, you had like 2,500 followers. Now you have nearly 7,800. The only word for that is Exponential. There should be a Jenny Expo somewhere.

    betaphi’s last blog post..Stimulus Package

  27. All my boobs produce is milk and even that went away went I got pregnant again.

    Of course, rainbows can’t sustain tiny humans – so in about another trimester… I win.

    Wait. Can rainbows sustain lepracauns? If so, my whole argument just went down the drain.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Let’s Talk About Farms

  28. I have a coworker whose boyfriend signed his cat up to twitter. The cat is so popular that we say that soon he will have more followers than our company’s product has concurrent users.

  29. I was at a basketball game last night and kept getting your Twitters. My husband finally asked what the hell was SO funny and I read him your tweet about no more free pancakes but videos of blowjobs were good … and he no longer questioned me looking about looking at my phone. He said anyone who posts links to blowjob videos is good in his book.

    Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..Who’s in da DAMN House Wednesday? – Rude Cactus

  30. Everyone knows that God wrote the Ten Commandments.

    No, wait. It was Moses.

    No, wait. It was J. Then E. That’s why there’s three versions.

    I’m SO going to get thrown out of the synagogue. Just before my son’s Bar Mitzvah, too.

    Damn. (No, wait. I probably already am).

    The Mother’s last blog post..The Rules Don’t Apply to Her!

  31. I’m thinking you need to donate your body to science. When they pop open your skull they’ll fall over backward as all of the crazy things come flying out.

    David’s last blog post..Chilly

  32. So. When you twittered “Am I the only one that has a special ring tone for Chase’s credit card collections department? They call me more than anyone I know,” I @replied with something like, “Wow, I need a special ringtone for Gulf Coast Give Blood b.c they call me all the time.”

    And THEN! Five minutes later Give Blood twittered me and was like, “And now we’re following you!” I stared open mouthed b.c that’s totally not creepy.

    So I recover and write, “Wow Give Blood, too bad Comcast doesn’t respond so fast when I twitter about them. They’re probably scared (and should be).”

    TEN MINUTES. Ten minutes later Comcast is like, “Scared of what? :P” AND I scheduled-OVER TWITTER-a real live Comcast person to come out and look at our crappy-can’t-believe-they-charge-for-this-shit service 2 days later. AND the guy showed up! Which, for Comcast must be some kind of record.

    And now our service is better and I guess it’s you I should be thanking.

    True story.

    la_florecita’s last blog post..Today was infinitely better than last Monday

  33. wow! you are so thin! did you lose weight? of course the last picture i remember was the one with you wearing a sheet. not exactly the most flattering i guess!

    oh…and do houston people do tweetups? because if so i am totally missing out!

  34. I have recently become addicted to your blog. I think it was the Meth that caught my attention and I have been hooked ever since.
    And I am not gay (not that that’s a bad thing) but from the pics you are kinda hot…I would so do you…I am always down to try new things…

  35. Pssst … Chirky … the whole shirt is Photoshopped on. That’s actually one of Jenny’s famous nude self-portraits.

  36. You are the highlight of my Twittering experience. Seriously. All those people who Twitter about SEO this and links to “important” news stuff are blah! Your Tweets have me rolling!

    Summer’s last blog post..I’m dating a freak

  37. Twittering – you’re doing it right.

    The Bloggess doesn’t Twitter, Twitter Bloggesses. Or something like that.

    Anyway. You rock.

  38. Dude. Centaurs are hot.
    I don’t establish my worth based on my Twitter followers, but I would totally wear that t-shirt.

  39. I don’t get the importance of Twitter. Why do people love it? Mostly I just want to turn my devices off so I can take a nap (or play Left4Dead) undisturbed. Why would I want even *more* witty commentary when I don’t have time to read what’s already out there?

    P.S. – I don’t like ponies.

    Red Flashlight’s last blog post..A Toast and a Smile

  40. “I love that shirt. Really… ADORE your tweets!”

    Again, there should be something HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE about this comment. If only I could remember what it is…

    Jenny’s next book: “How to get that high-paying job you always wanted!”

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..When Food Attacks!

  41. That’s some major rainbow power you’ve got there. You’re like a superhero or something. Not sure how you’d fight crime with that, though.

    Steve’s last blog post..Tasteless

  42. I’m pretty sure Jesus was involved in the commandments, since all three of those guys are also supposed to be one.

    Also, my mom thinks Jesus wrote the Constitution too- thats why we should still pray in schools. True story.

    Prosy’s last blog post..AAAAAHHH real horses!

  43. Actually, Jesus does track semen emissions. Follow this awesome Bible story:

    Once upon a time (that’s how Bible stories start, right?), there was a chick named Tamar. Tamar was married to some asshole. But God doesn’t like assholes, so he murdered him (it’s probably not accurate to describe a God-rendered death as murder, but whatever).

    Now, because this was the Old Testament and everything was wack, Tamar had to marry the asshole’s brother. The brother apparently dug on the vajayjay but not on babies, and this being before the time of Trojan Man, he took to “spilling his seed on the ground” which is the probably the oddest description of withdraw anywhere in the King James Bible. Or only. I dunno.

    ANYWHO. So this dude is there, just cumming on the ground and GOD STRAIGHT UP MURDERS HIM. For pulling out!

    So the story goes on from there and Tamar ends up pretending to be a prostitute (how do you pretend that?) and getting impregnated by her father-in-law and other Jerry Springeresq situations unravel.

    Long story not so long, Jesus totally cares about semen and if you fuck it up HE WILL KILL YOU. Or not. Guess it depends on his mood.

    And people think the Bible is boring. Psh.

  44. Or… Instead of putting your twitter resume on your boobs, you could just put boobs on your twitter resume. That way you don’t get all stinky from wearing the same shirt. Yeah, always thinking.

  45. To make sure that shirt stays relevant, you should block new people from following you. Then, whenever someone stops following you, you should track them down and try to talk them out of it. If they still refuse to keep following you, you should impress them with your boob rainbow.

    If they don’t see mthe awesomeness in that, shoot them with your vagina laser. That’ll teach them.

  46. Sooooo…I’ve had your blog on my favorites for a bit thanks to Jen Lancaster and I was just perusing the list and decided to read your blog.

    Gotta say dude, your shit’s funny as hell. I can only hope that one day I have a blog half as snarky as yours. Only I think I’ll pass on the kid. Although, if I ever have a kid, I can guarantee I’ll be joining your ranks of F-Bomb Droppers United. The word is just too good to give up forever.

    But I digress. The point is that I find you awesome, and your twitters are what hours of wasted on-line time were made for. 🙂

  47. Hi woman. I never get to visit you anymore. I’ve missed ya.

    Ok. My husband just looked over my shoulder. He thinks you have “a great rack” and he really likes the rainbow. He wants me to ask how I can get one too. (He wants to know if I need to eat a bowl of lucky charms or something?) Ok. Maybe this is funny only if you’ve had about 3 Vo and Diet Cokes? Oy. Men.

  48. i don’t think i’ve ever been here. yet somehow, we’re friends on facebook. not sure about twitter. so…hi. you’re pretty funny. i might come back…if you get me one of those really cool t-shirts 🙂

  49. It could be worse. You could have been arguing about which vagina a rainbow was shoot from and got it wrong…

    … and just to be clear, I don’t know what that means, but I don’t like the sound of it!

    Or maybe I do… I don’t know anymore. I think I should stop drinking.

    Mr Sketchy’s last blog post..Old Friends…

  50. I LOVE your blog – I routinely end up snorting with laughter.

    I’m commenting ’cause I happen to be a chemist that works on treatments for RA, and just wanted to let you know that your meds are totally appropriate, unfortunately named, but absolutely the standard of care for someone in your state.

    Methylprednisone is a steroid that should reduce the swelling in your feet (FYI “Meth” is methylephedrine – now your comments are gonna get all kinds of tags!). Tumor necrosis factor (TNF for short) is one of the worst names ever given to a protein; that medicine has nothing to do with chemotherapy.

    Rest (hopefully) assured that, by giving you a TNF inhibitor, your MD has put you on one of the most advanced RA therapies out there. Even if this one doesn’t work, there are two other classes of biologics that your rheumatologist may try. So, try and take it as easy as possible, call that MD if you’re not getting relief, and good luck!

    Yours in Science,
    -K

  51. I used a picture of a centaur that looked exactly like that to draw a picture of a boy I was seeing as a centaur (there’s a joke about how he’s a centaur). When I gave it to him, beaming at my work and thinking how funny I was, he was all, “*nervous chuckle* That’s awesome and…kind of creepy.” I felt like stabbing him because I realized how it could be seen as creppy and I was grumpy that I never realized it before. But then he fell in love with me so I didn’t stab him and we live together now. He now gets to see me be creepy on a daily basis. HA! I win!

  52. Jenny, YOU’RE NOT FAT. KEEP SAYING THAT AND I WILL BEAT YOU WITH A STICK. With tons of love of course.

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