Random things I twittered last week after being insulted:
It’s soft, fuzzy, immediately outdated and is so dorky that it’s infinitely cool it’s slightly awesome it looks like there’s a rainbow coming from my left boob.
PS. Twitter is like the DVD commentary to my blog. If you don’t read it you are missing such gems as:
I’d wish you all a Happy Presidents Day but I don’t know where the apostrophe goes.
Does the day *belong* to the President? Is it possessive? Plural? Plural possessive?
If I was Obama I’d be all “Bow down, assholes. This is MY day. Free ice cream for the President. Who is me.”
But he probably already gets free ice cream. If I was the president I’d ask everyone to send me Jewish greeting cards.
Not because I’m Jewish but because the Jewish card market is largely unsupported and it would help stimulate the economy.
I’m always thinking.
Am I the only one that has a special ring tone for Chase’s credit card collections department? They call me more than anyone I know.
If MLK told me “I have a dream…” I’d have been “Was it that one where all your clothes have turned into ferrets and you’re late for work?”
And then he’d get all distracted and forget what his dream really was. It’s probably a good thing I was never part of his posse.
If Jesus cared what you were going to do with semen he would have mentioned it in the Constitution.
So my coworker is all “I don’t even know where to begin on correcting you on that last twitter”
Apparently I said Jesus wrote “the Constitution” when I meant that he wrote “the Commandments”
And then it turns out Jesus didn’t even write the Commandments?!
And I’m all “The hell he didn’t!”
My coworker :Why don’t you look it up? It’s all probably all outlined in the Bill of Rights.
He’s kind of an asshole.
No! Jesus is not an asshole. Jesus is awesome. I love his wine trick. Fuck.
In other words, you should block me immediately if you haven’t already.
Comment of the day: I have a coworker whose boyfriend signed his cat up to twitter. The cat is so popular that soon he will have more followers than our company’s product has users. ~ Susan