The following is an email thread between a marketer and myself and I swear to God it is totally true and not made up at all. That’s why it’s so fucking funny. To me. Probably not to Pete or anyone else in the world. Also, for anyone new here, I do not own a lawn service, I don’t use lotion, but I do have a history of inappropriately responding to marketers because I get bored easily and it entertains me.
Jan 10, 2009 – Dear Jenny,
I have checked your blog, The Bloggess, and I think that I have a product that you and your readers might be interested in.My name is Pete Grimaldi; we have a new shielding lotion called Skin MD Natural with SPF15 sunscreen added to the benefits of original formulation. I’d be happy to send you a tester bottle of this lotion to try and review. we’d appreciate it if your link to our site uses the keywords ‘skin care’, ‘skin care product’ or ‘natural skin care.’
Below is a new video that you might be interested in checking out. It shows Skin MD Natural shielding lotion protecting skin from rock-dissolving acid!
Feel free to share this video if you wish.
Jan 10, 2009 – Dear Pete,
I would love to try your magical shield lotion. I spend the majority of my day on an industrial mower and have to wear goggles to protect my eyes from rocks, however I often have an allergic reaction to the latex in the goggles. I’d love to try your product instead of goggles since your lotion is stronger than rocks. Please send me enough for my whole lawn maintenance team.
Jan 12, 2009 – Hi Jenny,
You should keep goggles (just to protect your eyes from rocks), but you can use the lotion prior to wearing goggles to prevent allergic reaction to latex. I will have 2 bottles sent – one with and one without SPF15, hope to get a collective review from the whole lawn maintenance team!
Jan 12, 2009 – Great! I’m having a little push-back from a few of my team members who don’t believe the part about about lotion protecting you from rock-dissolving acid. Would it be possible for you send me a small sample of the acid as well?
Thanks so much~
So this is the point when I figured he’d read my blog and realized I was just messing with him BUT THEN HE TOTALLY SENT ME THE LOTION. Then I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit and totally used this as an example of the importance of researching the blog you’re pitching to. Then yesterday, I got this:
March 16, 2009 – Dear Jenny,
how are you? Have you had a chance to try Skin MD Natural lotion I sent you? What do you think?
March 16, 2009– Pete, the lotion was great. My skin is smooth and not greasy and I loved that there was SPF in it as well. Sadly, my lawn maintenance team obviously did not follow the directions well because two of them ended up getting rocks lodged in their faces in spite of the powerful rock-busting lotion abilities. One lost an eye and threatened to sue me for disability and I insisted that he just didn’t apply the lotion correctly. Then I generously (his lawsuit says “forcibly”) rubbed the lotion in his eyes and he started screaming “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!” Which, in retrospect, makes sense because if the lotion is stronger than acid (and the acid is stronger than rocks) it’s probably stronger than eyeballs too. Either way, it did not go well and I’m being forced to sell The Lawn Rangers (that’s the name of my lawn team) in order to pay for legal bills and for a new glass eye for One-Eyed Steve. Also, I’m being sued for calling him “One-Eyed Steve”. Apparently you can’t give someone a kick-ass pirate name without being sued for making fun of a disability. AMERICA! Also, before I gave One-Eyed Steve the glass eye I rubbed that lotion all over it to protect his eye socket from the sun and he started screaming again. It was actually pretty funny because I was all “Oh, wait. That’s totally
not going to work” but it was too late because he was already putting it in when I said it and he started screaming and they took him to the hospital. I was all “Oh my God, I am an idiot” but if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at, right?
PS. Seriously, your lotion is awesome and my hands are as smooth as an eyeball, which (take it from me) is pretty fucking smooth. Until you get lotion in it. Then all bets are off.
So far, no response but I’m fairly sure it’s coming. Also I felt a little bad about writing this but in fairness I did end up using all of the keywords he requested so I’m pretty sure we’re even.