A lesson to marketers about the importance of reading the blogs they pitch to but who probably won’t read this because they don’t read the blogs they pitch to

The following is an email thread between a marketer and myself and I swear to God it is totally true and not made up at all.  That’s why it’s so fucking funny.  To me.  Probably not to Pete or anyone else in the world.  Also, for anyone new here, I do not own a lawn service, I don’t use lotion, but I do have a history of inappropriately responding to marketers because I get bored easily and it entertains me.

Jan 10, 2009Dear Jenny,

I have checked your blog, The Bloggess, and I think that I have a product that you and your readers might be interested in.My name is Pete Grimaldi; we have a new shielding lotion called Skin MD Natural with SPF15 sunscreen added to the benefits of original formulation. I’d be happy to send you a tester bottle of this lotion to try and review. we’d appreciate it if your link to our site uses the keywords ‘skin care’, ‘skin care product’ or ‘natural skin care.’

Below is a new video that you might be interested in checking out. It shows Skin MD Natural shielding lotion protecting skin from rock-dissolving acid!
Feel free to share this video if you wish.

Pete Grimaldi

Jan 10, 2009 – Dear Pete,
I would love to try your magical shield lotion.  I spend the majority of my day on an industrial mower and have to wear goggles to protect my eyes from rocks, however I often have an allergic reaction to the latex in the goggles. I’d love to try your product instead of goggles since your lotion is stronger than rocks. Please send me enough for my whole lawn maintenance team.

Thank you!


Jan 12, 2009 – Hi Jenny,

You should keep goggles (just to protect your eyes from rocks), but you can use the lotion prior to wearing goggles to prevent allergic reaction to latex. I will have 2 bottles sent – one with and one without SPF15, hope to get a collective review from the whole lawn maintenance team!


Jan 12, 2009 – Great!  I’m having a little push-back from a few of my team members who don’t believe the part about about lotion protecting you from rock-dissolving acid.  Would it be possible for you send me a small sample of the acid as well?

Thanks so much~


So this is the point when I figured he’d read my blog and realized I was just messing with him BUT THEN HE TOTALLY SENT ME THE LOTION.  Then I went to the Mom 2.0 Summit and totally used this as an example of the importance of researching the blog you’re pitching to.  Then yesterday, I got this:

March 16, 2009 – Dear Jenny,

how are you? Have you had a chance to try Skin MD Natural lotion I sent you? What do you think?

Sincerely, Pete

March 16, 2009– Pete, the lotion was great.  My skin is smooth and not greasy and I loved that there was SPF in it as well.  Sadly, my lawn maintenance team obviously did not follow the directions well because two of them ended up getting rocks lodged in their faces in spite of the powerful rock-busting lotion abilities.  One lost an eye and threatened to sue me for disability and I insisted that he just didn’t apply the lotion correctly.  Then I generously (his lawsuit says “forcibly”) rubbed the lotion in his eyes and he started screaming “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!”  Which, in retrospect, makes sense because if the lotion is stronger than acid (and the acid is stronger than rocks) it’s probably stronger than eyeballs too.  Either way, it did not go well and I’m being forced to sell The Lawn Rangers (that’s the name of my lawn team) in order to pay for legal bills and for a new glass eye for One-Eyed Steve.  Also, I’m being sued for calling him “One-Eyed Steve”.  Apparently you can’t give someone a kick-ass pirate name without being sued for making fun of a disability.  AMERICA!  Also, before I gave One-Eyed Steve the glass eye I rubbed that lotion all over it to protect his eye socket from the sun and he started screaming again.  It was actually pretty funny because I was all “Oh, wait.  That’s totally
not going to work” but it was too late because he was already putting it in when I said it and he started screaming and they took him to the hospital.  I was all “Oh my God, I am an idiot” but if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at, right?


PS.  Seriously, your lotion is awesome and my hands are as smooth as an eyeball, which (take it from me) is pretty fucking smooth.  Until you get lotion in it.  Then all bets are off.

So far, no response but I’m fairly sure it’s coming.  Also I felt a little bad about writing this but in fairness I did end up using all of the keywords he requested so I’m pretty sure we’re even.

Comment of the day: How fascinating that you have to sell the Rough Riders because Pirate Steve or whatever his name is rubbed it in his eyes. They sent me their stupid lotion and I opened it just as my husband started to get a little lippy with me and you know how women can get when they’re nine months pregnant so I slathered him with that shit and poured acid on him and it didn’t work at all. The Skin MD people are not going to like my review.
And by “it didn’t work at all” I mean the lotion didn’t work at all. The acid totally worked. ~ pamela

207 replies. read them below or add one

  1. That’s crazy.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Intervention

  2. …Crazy and a little sad that some people are trusting.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..Intervention

  3. Sad in many ways.

    But I do need something to block meteors – does he offer that as a service with his lotion?

    Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]’s last blog post..Weekly Winners 3.8.9 – 3.14.9

  4. This is guffaw funny! Thank you for making my night.

    I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE when companies ask me to include keywords in my review. It is very tacky.

    But this…this is hilarious!

    Jennifer James’s last blog post..Are You Feelin’ Lucky Today?-St.Patrick’s Day Candle Contest

  5. CLASSIC! I have so many favorite parts in this post, but I have to say, The Lawn Rangers is up there.

    Ingrid’s last blog post..I Got An Ache In My Left Ear

  6. Shit, tell them to send me some of that magic lotion… we’ll see what that Granger bitch is so cocky when I have a magical SHIELD.

    Operation Pink Herring’s last blog post..Sargeant Pepper

  7. Seriously. How do you come up with this shit?? You’re killing me.

  8. The Lawn Rangers. Hilarious.

    Marie’s last blog post..Can you point me towards the glue factory, Sir?

  9. Hi Jenni,

    I was jsut doing a random keyword search on “Squid vagiana one-eyed-pirates-named-Steve labia beaver flash asian neighbor” and came across your site.

    I can see from your content that you may be interested in advertising my new PENIS-MAX-3000 self reciprocating marital aide. Honestly this thing is the best thing since the Briggs and Stratton riding lawnmower-marital aide conversion kit.

    Can I send one to you and your lesbian love Victoria (Did I spell that right)? along with our new movie/instructional video “Two Fists of Love?”

    Please let us know what you think.

    P. Ong
    Two Fists of Love Inc.

    Houston’s last blog post..Phoning It In

  10. I gotta wonder who would need skin lotion that protects against rock-dissolving acid. Skin-dissolving acid I could understand but rock-dissolving acid? Maybe that big guy from Fantastic Four? He could probably use some lotion anyway.

    Steve’s last blog post..Green

  11. You have some serious cojones.

    And, if you don’t really start The Lawn Rangers, I will.


    Or, maybe that’s the name of your new book. The Lawn Rangers.

    I like it.

    It could work.

    Jamie’s last blog post..the makings of a great blogger.

  12. I don’t even know what to say to this.

    Except that I need another glass of wine, because the one I had was just snorted out my nose and onto my computer.

    If any marketers are reading these comments, I also may need a new computer.

    AMomTwoBoys’s last blog post..Under The Sea Funky Baby Blanket

  13. Around 1:36 in the video, is she saying that Skin MD Natural is the result of a “unique (mumble, mumble, mumble… I fucked up my line) between several leading dermatologists, a gynecologist and a world class chemist”?

    A gynecologist? Does that mean it protects the vagina as well?

    That is SO fucking awesome.

    Six’s last blog post..Aliens kidnapped my baby and replaced him with a broken one!

  14. mwahahaha. You rock. I’m glad I signed on while waiting for RHoNY.

    Oh, who am I kidding?

    I’m multi-tasking – watching Rock of Love Tour Bus and reading you.

    Have you watched RoL Tour BUs? I bet you’d get some more good blog fodder.

    kristin/kwr221’s last blog post..ToTaL RaNdOM NoThInGnEss

  15. 2 things: 1) you are a genius, at least to me; 2) for hands as smooth as an eyeball, I’d try just about anything.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..One down, part deux

  16. Oh my god, this blog really does cure cancer.

    katie ~ motherbumper’s last blog post..The Big Tease

  17. lol – as a marketer, part of your job is to research so no sympathy for any who dont. i absolutely love your humor. At least he did follow up which as u probably know lacks with many! keep up the great attitude and keeping us on our toes!

  18. AND? You totally linked to his product. So you’re good!

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..It’s National Tie Up Loose Ends Day!

  19. Even Steven, motherfucker.

    Madness’s last blog post..Picture Day

  20. Can I just say that I FUCKIN’ LOVE YOU!?

    Okay I’ll scream it – like all WOLVERINE! and shit.

    You rock my socks. Seriously.

    I laughed and then I cried.

    Did I mention I would so work for The Lawn Rangers? I can drive a mean Kobota and cut some great grass. LOL

    sam {temptingmama}’s last blog post..Internet Reciprocation

  21. I’m still surprised that Chipotle is not knocking down your door to get an ad…

    a’s last blog post..Ponies

  22. How fascinating that you have to sell the Rough Riders because Pirate Steve or whatever his name is rubbed it in his eyes. They sent me their stupid lotion and I opened it just as my husband started to get a little lippy with me and you know how women can get when they’re nine months pregnant so I slathered him with that shit and poured acid on him and it didn’t work at all. The Skin MD people are not going to like my review. That is, if I don’t get divorced and go to jail and have to sell my computer to pay that guy off. Men. Seriously. It’s only a flesh wound. Get over it.

    pamela’s last blog post..things they don’t tell you when you get pregnant.

  23. And by “it didn’t work at all” I mean the lotion didn’t work at all. The acid totally worked.

    pamela’s last blog post..things they don’t tell you when you get pregnant.

  24. I get shit like this all the time, I never thought to respond! I love it! Anxiously waiting the rebuttal.

    jessie’s last blog post..Sally, My Dear

  25. Well, fuck me dry! This is completely bananas! Haaaa!! The way I laugh at your shit actually disrupts my friggin’ heart rhythm.

    Akilah Sakai’s last blog post..Happy St. Patrick’s Day

  26. I really hope that Pete believed all of that, too. He does sound pretty gullible.

  27. Dear Pete,
    You’re fucktarded. Go peddle your wares elsewhere.

    father muskrat’s last blog post..what dogs have joined together, let no man put asunder

  28. An hour of amusement and free lube…. what more can a girl ask for ?


    Young Werther’s last blog post..Twits and Twitter(s) !

  29. 29
    Pete Grimaldi


  30. Hilarious!

    Megan’s last blog post..St. Patrick’s Day Giveaway!

  31. Lawn Rangers exists in Charleston SC. And they could probably use shields of some kind. They’re probably not smooth as eyeballs.

    I have a blogcrush SO HUGE!!!

    ML’s last blog post..At Least 82 Reasons It’s More Than Miraculous I Haven’t Caved on the Lenten Sacrifice of Chocolate

  32. I do have to say I am more than a little disappointed that he never sent you the acid. You could have rubbed the lotion on Steve’s eye and then tried out the acid – now, sadly, that opportunity is gone.

    Rikki’s last blog post..Just like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer, only we’re pretty and didn’t paint anything.

  33. If he does reply, we do expect an update. You’re right. He’s probably still too stupid to figure out you’re messing with him. Can’t wait.

    The Mother’s last blog post..The Gene for Common Sense is on the X Chromosome

  34. see, i actually LIKE keywords and want them (funny i wrote a post opposite of this today)..if i am going to take the time for a project, i actually want it written where the search engines are gonna find it and its going to benefit the company. I hate when a PR rep says…whats a keyword. I think…get to know what a blog is and get back to me.

    trisha’s last blog post..At this moment RIGHT NOW…

  35. Reckon you could use that stuff for birth control?

    Mahala’s last blog post..If It Weren’t for Bad Luck… At Least it’s Not Me

  36. If you ever gave me a kick-ass pirate name I would never sue you…unless it was Big-Tits Becky or Sloppy Hole Charlotte. Then we might have a problem. Or maybe not.

    Kurt’s last blog post..Grocery Beard Strikes Again

  37. I just pissed my pants…hahahahahahaha!!!!!!

  38. You owe me a leather couch because I peed mine.

    Well mine is bonded leather, so maybe that will be okay.

    Well actually, it’s a love seat.

    Also, pink plain flannel pajama bottoms.

    p.s. I love you.

  39. I couldn’t even finish reading it!! I have tears pouring down my face from laughing so hard!!

  40. You have the best names for shit. Seriously. The Lawn Rangers? It could be so many different things. Oh the possibilities.

    And btw – wordpress is an idiot. I was trying to type my comment and accidentally hit enter while typing my email only to have wordpress tell me to type a comment… that’s what I was doing bitch nugget!

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Tuesday Trivia: Candy

  41. Once again, you have me leaking from two parts of my body.

    Velma’s last blog post..We’ll Do It Again Next Year, Only Better.

  42. LMFAO I got that same email from Pete. I wonder if he’ll be very selective from now on? Poor one eyed Steve had to pay the fucking price. Damn that Skin MD and their bullshit lies about rock destroying lotion. I’ll bet they didn’t even test it on animals. Bastards!

    Tiffany’s last blog post..Obsessive? Me?

  43. I LOVE the scientist girl in the video! I have a hand-smelling fetish.

  44. This made me laugh so hard I cried actual tears, and my boyfriend kept asking me what was so damn funny, but I was laughing too hard to answer and every time I calmed down enough to answer him the words “lawn rangers” would pop into my head and I’d get hit with a fit of giggles agin.

    So I’m pretty sure he just assumed I was reading this site.

    Kimmers’s last blog post..We’re like traveling gypsies over here

  45. it seems that quite a few of your readers have an incontinence problem.

    betcha that lotion would fix that right up, guys. you could pour rock-dissolving acid right down your pants and piss yourself when you read funny thangs online SIMULTANEOUSLY and you’d be just fine.
    or use a shamwow, maybe. do what you want. i’m not your mother.

    sour’s last blog post..bleach-not so flattering

  46. Jenny, you are so fucking hysterical. You’ve now given me the confidence to give a little back to some of the stellar marketing interns who have contacted me over the last year. Bravo lady, bravo.

    Angie’s last blog post..Tuesday Morning Eye Candy – The Irish Edition

  47. Wow. I just realized I not having nearly enough fun with my blog.

    kim/hormone-colored days’s last blog post..Peter Shankman is from Mars and Mommy Bloggers are from Venus

  48. You most definitely should get in touch with these people :



  49. And I’ve been trying to get a sample of that lotion for months.

    Motherhood Uncensored’s last blog post..The Joy of Farts

  50. This is HILARIOUS! Go you!

    And my God that marketing video was AWFUL!

    Reagan’s last blog post..In Your Face

  51. HA! I’m so in love with this blog I could make out with it.

    I see Pete Grimaldi stopped by…that’s it? Surely your last email to him merited more of a response!

    carrie’s last blog post..wishlist du juor

  52. what a dooshbag pete is. hello pete! read the flippin blog!! lmao…

    Mz. Nesbit’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – the "my kid’s a freakin peeping tom!" Edition

  53. I have Skin MD on my bathroom counter. I’ve been using for years as a dry skin treatment. It does exactly what it says it does and my skin heals from whatever it was just great. I love it. But they have never sent me a free sample or anything. I just went to the drugstore and bought it.

    Desi’s last blog post..Raise your Hand if you’re Unsure

  54. Poor Pete. He doesn’t sound Canadian, I’ll bet he cried.

    Of course, if he is Canadian, he’s hunting you down right now.

    annie’s last blog post..Happy Saint Pat’s Day

  55. Is lotion that protects against acid REALLY necessary? I mean, how often do you come into contact with corrosive acid? Now lotion that protects against ninjas, that would be a useful product.

    MonsteRawr’s last blog post..A Prophesy of Retrospection, and the Reexamination of Choice

  56. HA! So great…poor Pete…and Steve… 😉

    Alexis’s last blog post..ideeli invitation

  57. Hydrochloric acid reacts and dissolves calcium carbonate which is a component of limestone. But I hope you don’t coat your face in limestone nor use HCl reguraely. WTF?

    So no cement on your face and using broken car batteries for exfoliation.

  58. I could use hands as smooth as eyeballs. I could also use eyes as smooth as eyeballs, because mine feel like they’ve been on spin cycle in a sandpaper washing machine.

    PS. Even though my eyes hurt even more from reading your post, it was totally worth it.

    Jelly’s last blog post..Twitter is addictive. It’s like niccotine, but they don’t have patches. Well, not yet.

  59. I concur!! Perhaps I should send the Jerky guy who asked me to advertise his produce a list of why eating jerky and its wonderful water retaining abilities does NOT make one feel skinny! Hello, Jerky Dude…You types the name of the blog in the email..SEARCHING FOR MY INNER SKINNY!! Proof-read dumbass!!

    Dorsey’s last blog post..Feeling demotivated?

  60. My pet rock, Lucy, will be safe at last! Thank you Skin MD!

    Heather R.’s last blog post..I don’t know nuttin’ bout watching no toddlers!

  61. Just think all that fun you had writing to him AND they’re gonna pay you! At least I hope they pay you. This is probably the best advertisment they’ve had.

    Kelli’s last blog post..My Irish Relatives Must Be Drunk

  62. I just spit a little vodka cooler out my nose. The bubbles tickled a little but it still stung.

    Captain Dumbass’s last blog post..Random Tuesday: My Sphincter Says What?

  63. I am starting a lawncare company called The Lawn Rangers. You can sue me if you want to.

    Shana’s last blog post..I heart the DMV… not!

  64. The girl in the video who works at “the skin lab” is cute. But she needs work in reading the cue cards.

    Neil’s last blog post..Florida Vacation Photos!

  65. I laughed so loud I woke my family. And just try to explain to groggy, irritated people why Steve the Pirate and hands as smooth as eyeballs is laugh-out-fucking-loud funny . . .

    P.S. Could you come up with a new blog post label that’s something like “go put a diaper on–you’ll need one”?

    country mouse’s last blog post..my date with a young man

  66. i love you.

    the planet of janet’s last blog post..My mother, the pole dancer

  67. […] The Bloggess will now be blocked to those who don’t know the password (which will be: “Squidvaginaone-eyed-pirates-named-Stevelabiabeaverflashasianneighbor“, which is thanks to Houston, in case you need to know […]

  68. And I only got an offer for a *chance* at free cookware. Which if they read my blog they would know that there’s not a chance in heck we’d ever use, except as drums or cymbals for the boys.

    Lady M’s last blog post..Little Drummer Boys

  69. Now when someone googles “uses for lotion on One Eyed Steve”, they will find this blog along with their masturbation tips.

    Phil T McNasty’s last blog post..Jesus’ Image Appears on Crotch of a Pair of Jeans

  70. My husband thinks I’m upset cause I’m crying… which somehow makes this even funnier!

    Jo’s last blog post..Don’t Forget to Enter This Week’s Munsch Giveaway!!!

  71. Awesome. That is way better than the email dialog I had with the guy – he wanted me to pimp the stuff on a vegetarian blog I was writing for at the time. He was very persistent. I’m guessing he gives up on you more easily.

    Jul’s last blog post..Germans love Obama and his body parts

  72. And THAT is how you do a review, biatches.

    I am hoping to do an MRI review, cause I totally rock that shizzle.

  73. Hilarious — but now it seems that you have given the product a review, of sorts!

    Steve’s last blog post..The morning coffee continues to stumble through the darkness

  74. […] Bloggess provides us with pre-pitch instructions for marketers. The strange thing here? It actually worked — she has blogged about their product, in a […]

  75. i totally wish i’d decided to continue on in marketing…

  76. How did you make it all the way through this without once uttering, “it puts the lotion on it’s skin!” I’m pretty sure basket-lowering serial killers are one of the Internet’s most underserviced demographics. Then again, maybe I’m not using the right search terms. Either way, keep up the great work.

    Demonweed’s last blog post..What You Should Think About Balance

  77. I almost shitted myself.
    But if this lotion is strong enough to keep acid out, then wouldn’t it keep air out too?
    Wouldn’t that be bad for your skin if it couldn’t breath?
    I don’t know. If its that strong, I don’t want it on my skin.
    Stupid Steve, I bet he played with a bb gun when he was a kid. Its just catching up with him.

  78. This just proves to me that I need to start fucking with people more.

    Jules’s last blog post..Happy St. Patty’s Items!!

  79. Hilarious! People are idiots!

  80. OMFG. I just came from pulling an all-nighter writing a very long and serious article, and was not expecting to blow coffee snot on my computer screen. I’m totally suing you, Pete, and the entire Lawn Rangers team.

    Jane’s last blog post..The Invisible Jesus in Psychology

  81. You made me laugh so hard, I chocked on my coffee. I wonder if he will get credit for the hits of the video off of your site? Is there any such thing as bad publicity really?

    WickedStepMom’s last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: Is it Friday yet?

  82. You are twisted! Love it.

    Bake My Fish’s last blog post..Deathball Revival


    (runs for the bathroom)


    Ed T.’s last blog post..What every mother wants her kids to do when presented with a new food on Wordless Wednesday

  84. An idea. Why don’t you answer one of those “Dear trusted friend, I am depositing 5 million dollars into your bank account from the family of the deceased King of Zimbabwe” emails and see how long you can string one of those folks along. That could be material for months!

    P.S. I do not believe you are a real person. You are just a blogger bot. Or maybe you’re not even that cuz at least I’d get an automated “Dear Friend, thank you for reading my blog.” which I haven’t received either (don’t you hate it when you type wither instead of either? It so doesn’t work.) So since you’re not real and not a blogger bot, you must be a silicon based life form from another planet or something. At least a blogger bot would send me an automa… Hey! A spermaphile!!

    Sharkey!’s last blog post..Sticks and Stones

  85. I cleaned myself up recovered from reading this, then started scanning the comments. All was well, then I came to #9…


    (runs back to the bathroom frantically)


    Ed T.’s last blog post..Suck on THIS, AIG!

  86. If I ever decide to start a lawn mowing team, I am definitely calling it the Lawn Rangers.

    -R-’s last blog post..Pretend These Items Are Related

  87. So what the hell is One Eyed Steve’s problem, anyway? Glass eyes are AWESOME. If it was good enough for Sammy Davis, Jr., it should be good enough for one of the Lawn Rangers, for chrissakes.

    Goddamn Steve. Fucking whiner.

    Did I miss the point of this post?

    bejewell’s last blog post..A Major Award

  88. Bad Pete, baaaaad.

    But seriously, if the lotion protects from acid, shouldn’t the SPF be higher than 15?!

    Think about it, Pete…

    amo’s last blog post..And yet these people keep talking to me…

  89. 89
    Just A. Reader

    Do you know that the whole Internet is totally in love with you? Except maybe Pete.

  90. Hahahahaha! You, my friend, are a genius.

    Kyla’s last blog post..I could write…

  91. I think the CDC in Atlanta is using this stuff instead of Hazmat suits now. I heard. On the radio. For reals!

    Prosy’s last blog post..Defriending

  92. Based on an intimate knowledge of your reader base and careful perusal of your comment section, I have determined that smart marketers would ask you to advertise adult diapers.

    Cat’s last blog post..i’ve got negative street cred now

  93. OH! I totally forgot to tell you my pirate name. We were having a pirate party in college and a friend of my boyfriend (not a good sign) came up with it, and everyone like, universally agreed upon it, even though it makes me sound like a raunchy slut, which I guess is good for a pirate name.

    Dirty Blunders

    true story

    Prosy’s last blog post..Defriending

  94. HA!! This will teach them not to read people’s blogs before pitching stuff to them (us).

    Although there was a pretty great review somewhere in there, so he did get his money’s worth afterall.

    Elisa’s last blog post..Watchmen against insomnia, 1-0

  95. I had a spit-take while reading this post and now I have spit on my monitor.

    Thanks Jenny!

    Melissa’s last blog post..Monument Valley

  96. BWAHAHAHA! Poor Pete, he sent me many bottles of lotion as well.

    Angela at mommy bytes’s last blog post..WW – Jumping for Spring

  97. I think Mr. Grimaldi needs to look into selling eyeballs so he would be completely prepared for the worst case scenario. Of course, this will prompt the manufacturers to print a warning on the label, “Do not apply while on a riding mower or directly on the eyeballs before putting on goggles.”

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..All’s Fair In Love And Fishies

  98. i would never get an email from a lotion company because they know that i would use it to masturbate

    furiousBall’s last blog post..Trail-a-bike!

  99. Damn you, Jenny!

    So, last night I was giving hubby and hand job when he said “your hands are so smooth” and I had to stifle a giggle because I was thinking “yeah–smooth as an eyeball!”

    You have intruded into my sex life!

    country mouse’s last blog post..In which Country Mouse poisons her sweet Hubby . . .

  100. Honestly, where do you come up with this stuff? I kind of want to market a product to you just so I can read your responses.

    chirky’s last blog post..Free to Good Home

  101. Awesome. And since vinegar dissolves marble, the lotion only has to protect you from the mildest acid to achieve what it promises.

    Sean’s last blog post..Drink me: Pliny the Elder

  102. Jenny,

    Funny, but sad too. And what a waste of the client’s money!

    Mac McIntosh

    Mac McIntosh’s last blog post..Marketing-for-Leads Guide: Step 10 – How will you reach the best prospects?

  103. OMG You are hysterical! Thanks for brightening my day!

    Cindy’s last blog post..Reuben Dip for St Patrick’s Day

  104. 104

    Check this out folks:


    Funny funny funny.

  105. No marketers have ever even *asked* me to review anything. Now I am just depressed.

    Lesley’s last blog post..This Blog Smells As Bad As A Massive Fart…Evidently (It Also Has A Hidden Zombie In It!)

  106. 106

    Wait, it was http://www.franksemails.com/spiderpayment

    Sorry bout dat.

  107. We totally need a law protecting the right to give out kick-ass pirate names…its a moral imperative!

    PJ Mullen’s last blog post..Agave, it’s not just for tequila anymore!

  108. The only improvement I can imagine would be a request for his direct contact information to ensure proper forwarding of your liability release since his product is obviously the source of your pain.

    Julian Kross’s last blog post..Handicapable, until I need you

  109. OMG that was awesome (whoops, there goes another kitten! I am on my way to your house right now to kidnap you and keep you all for myself. Ummm, where do you live? I need directions.

  110. One day, I hope to be half as funny as you. Because you seriously made me laugh so hard, snot was coming out of my nose. And tears were coming out of my eyes. And then snot came out of my eyes and I thought that I might have to go to the hospital.

    One day, I hope to make snot come out of someone’s eyes.

    Natalie’s last blog post..My Sparkly Vampire Boyfriend

  111. So wait, so how much do take care of my lawn then?


    Avitable’s last blog post..Miss Britt Goes To Prison: A Story

  112. You should totally review the human foreskin wrinkle cream next! I wonder if it protects against rocks………

    Melanie’s last blog post..Sincerity and Social Expectations

  113. It’s been a LONG time since I laughed til I wet myself…but this one just about did it for me…

  114. I’d love to respond like that, but I’m too desperate for freebies. I don’t want to scare off any of my suitors.

    Maxie’s last blog post..Would You Rather Wednesday

  115. I just laughed out loud at work. Thanks.

    Hey, the lotion guy can’t get upset. Your terms were “lotion PLUS a small bottle of rock disolving acid”. Dude, read the fine print. 🙂

    Jaci’s last blog post..The Ex Factor

  116. After I read your post, I rubbed my skin and then my eyeball. I can’t really see anymore, but I totally agree that my skin is not nearly as smooth as my eyeball.

    That company better give you a kickback because I’m totally going to buy some of their acid fighting shit in order to enhance my skin’s eyeball qualities.

  117. I am wondering why it wasn’t a Vaginal Anti-Wrinkle Cream, for that smooth as a baby’s bottom vaginal canal we all so love and admire.

    And I am horrified trying to imagine where the dialog might have gone to should you have engaged in an exchange with a VAWC fellow.
    HE would probably end up putting out his OWN eye.

    I know I probably would.
    Have you thought of applying to Consumer Reports? They need someone like you.

  118. Ha. You’re funny. That was awesome.

    Zandor’s last blog post..Dear Bret Michaels,

  119. I’m laughing so hard I’m crying right now. OMG. That poor schmuck learned his lesson, I bet.

    tutugirl1345’s last blog post..Going to sleep at 7 is ok, right?

  120. We get some of those as well.They’re baby marketers who have to justify their existence to their boss, and include us in the “Reached out to 20 on-line pubs for product placement/review.” One guy pimped a product to us that we had just written about FOUR DAYS BEFORE. It’s sad, but Jesus H. marketers do your research.

  121. There is a group in Arcola, Illinois called the Lawn Rangers who march in the annual Broom Corn Festival Parade. They do drills and precision maneuvers with lawnmowers. And brooms.

  122. OMG, Jenny-

    I just found out the lotion guy’s 800# is: (866)8-6-7-5-3-0-9 Coincidence?

    Will Powers’s last blog post..Are Rihanna and Chris Brown right for each other?

  123. I can see marketers sending you stuff like this just to watch you riff on it, to get the word out there in the coolest possible venue, even if they’re being made fun of.

    I myself would be honored.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..A blessed St. Squarepants’ Day be upon you

  124. Any publicity is good publicity, I suppose. Can’t wait to see what you get next.

    patois’s last blog post..Wordy Wednesday #52: Sir, Yes, Sir!

  125. Do not let Jenny handle your balls.

    Eye or otherwise.

    One Eyed Steve’s last blog post..Medical Story

  126. Pete’s a nice guy, but I’m laughing so hard right now!

    Tara’s last blog post..Bummas Winner!

  127. If he really and truly did check out your blog prior to contacting you, how did he think he was ever going to get a serious response? What with the Xanax and the vaginas and the silly, this blog post (which is awesome) is the best possible outcome for him.

    Parsing Nonsense’s last blog post..My Fair Vader

  128. Oh.My.Gah.

    Trenches of Mommyhood’s last blog post..Sad

  129. Seriously? I just wet myself. And if I keep reading your blog, I’m going to need Depends. So, if you want to keep me as a reader, you need to buy my adult diapers.

    Because I’m tired of pissing myself and getting my kickin’ cute jeans all wet and yucky.

    Thanks, hon!

    Coal Miner’s Granddaughter’s last blog post..Dialog, Part 22

  130. Is there a skin cream that will protect you from marketers?

  131. It rubs the lotion on its eyeball or it gets the hose again!

  132. Oh, Pete. I’ve been receiving e-mails from him for the last year: “How did the sample go? Are you going to write about it?” with absolutely no inkling of an idea that… I’m not going to.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one completely puzzled by his persistence.

    Miss Elle’s last blog post..How do you know if your baby is ugly?

  133. Absolutely priceless.

    Lori’s last blog post..KMBFBA Update – Week 3

  134. I totally got the same email and deleted iy. But I like your approach better.

    jodifur’s last blog post..Dr. Seuss, I Blame You For This One

  135. I am so onto you. I thought “Laurie” looked very familiar, and that her hair screamed confidence wig, but it was when I detected subtle slurring that I knew it was you. And I totally bet that was Victor, as the doctor behind you. I think he winked at you when you made him smell your hands.

  136. This is just too funny.

    Did Pete bother to tell you that HE’S actually blind as well, and that’s why he’s never read your blog? Yeah, seems he was lathering up his hands with that atomic lotion one day when he had to yawn and rubbed his eyes on accident.

    And the screen reader he uses at work to help him around his handicap, is programmed to filter out all bad words, so he’s totally screwed when it comes to making heads or tails out of your blog (‘cept he doesn’t even know he’s screwed because that’s a bad word and it gets filtered out too.).

    You are a complete mess…you know that, don’t you? 😉

    AJ in Nashville’s last blog post..It’s Just Another Kind of Grass

  137. This is hilarious. As a marketer for a start-up company though, I am kissing the ground this wasn’t me though! 🙂

    Rebecca’s last blog post..Paired: Wilma Dinnerware + Dawn Dishwashing Soap

  138. I work in PR and couldn’t have laughed harder when I read this. Poor Pete. But not really.

    I like to review/try products when I can’t stand it when they say, “Hey, we’d really love to work with you we think you’re great. By the way here are the keywords you need to include in your post about us.”

    Noo thanks.

    maris’s last blog post..A Table for Two…Or Seven…

  139. Dear Jennythebloggess,

    I have been reading your blog, Jennythebloggess, for several nanoseconds and I think I have a marketing opportunity that might interest you. It is a vaginal cream that protects against vampire zombies. With added SPF300 sunscreen.

    If you think you might be interested in promoting Vamzombegone, I’d be delighted to send you a vat for review. Please use the keywords ‘ninja’, ‘hobo fingers’ and ‘WOLFEREEMS!‘ in your links.

    Yours in keen anticipation,
    Joe Clueless

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Computer Terms Illustrated #24

  140. HI-LARIOUS!

    OMFG… I had to bookmark this one to read over and over…also Tweeted it <3


    beej’s last blog post..Time to take action!

  141. Thanks for the laugh! I’m a PR person, and a blogger, and I know all too well how people can be unfortunately clueless on both sides. Aaack!

    Jen Wilbur’s last blog post..rockstarjen: i like 2 hear this (PR v. publicity)! @guykawasaki says PR Needs 2 "Beat the Crap Out of U & Get U Prepared 4 Tough Qs" http://bit.ly/vBQkc

  142. A good laugh for the end of the day. What if we all did this when we are hit up to buy products? It would be the end of the world as we know it. Thank you.

    Ruth’s last blog post..Healing Thoughts

  143. I wish someone would offer me sex toys for review. Or lotion.

    I get sent kids toys.

    It’s just not the same.

    Thanks for the laugh!

    Mad Woman’s last blog post..Free For All Friday…..on Sunday

  144. My husband’s name is Steve so naturally his junk is “One Eyed Steve.” What a coincidence!

    And when I say junk I mean penis. Just so we’re clear.

  145. I guess I
    won’t ask you to review my book.

    How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..Chatting Up Pete Rock

  146. Wow. I wish I had known this lotion would repel acid. It sure would have made last weekend better.

    MommyTime’s last blog post.."Dances on Tables": My English Boyfriend

  147. And worst part of this is that the guy with the lotion is probably a college graduate and this is, sadly, his first job out of college. Majored in Marketing and Communications. Partied so hard that most of his brain melted along the way. Does the lotion work well as a personal lubricant?

    The Medievalist’s last blog post..On procrastination

  148. you totally made my day with this.

    anne nahm’s last blog post..Well, Crap.

  149. this was full of win, but the fake comments (all from 8 months ago by ‘people’ that all signed up on the same days…what a coincidence!!) on the youtube video of this are hilarious…my fav by dan8008dan: “That appears to be a real laboratory. Amazing stuff, will have to get some.”

    I guess since they say that clear liquid being poured over ‘rocks’ was acid, and that the ‘rocks’ ‘dissolved’ and also, since they both proclaimed that there was no smell, I gotta believe it! will have to get some. 😐

    All I gotta say is I’m GLAD I was already on the toilet when I was reading this or it would’ve been embarrassing!

  150. seriously, this is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read. I laughed so hard tears were streaming down my face!! I needed this, so thanks for sharing.

    you have to let us know if you ever hear from Pete again!

    Christine Staley’s last blog post..In Mourning…

  151. Pete’s sales just went through the roof. What’s next?

  152. 152

    I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe. I guess marketing works, because *seriously* I need some of that lotion.

  153. Holy Hell, I just spit all over my husband’s work laptop.

    melanie @ meladramatic mommy’s last blog post..Wordles Wednesday: The Best Burger in San Diego

  154. My cousin owns a landscape company called The Lawn Rangers, no joke.

  155. And here Bossy thought persistent Pete had a crush on only her…

    BOSSY’s last blog post..The Family Album Straight Up With A Twist.

  156. Omg, that’s amazing. And the type of thing I should really start doing to people. Seriously though, those response letters are genius!

    Stealthnerd’s last blog post..How I became the soon-to-be Mrs. Boo

  157. Man. I got that same spam offer of lotion and now I’m so sad that I didn’t fuck with the guy.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..Spring is here which means it’s time for me to go Rambo.

  158. In all reality, the fact that you posted this has provided better marketing for this product than “Pete” could have ever hoped for. Marketing is an attempt to take an obscure product or service and bring it to light. You have clearly brought it to light to many even if, in doing so, you poked fnu at Pete.

  159. ah me dorlin’. are ye an irish lass or a just a sassy girl with a twist of the truly humourous. THAT was hilarious. I am currently in email congress trying to get a simple answer, 5 exchanges and still no luck. too funny. Thanks for brightening my day.

    wench’s last blog post..catch up:

  160. TOO FREAKING FUNNY. Excuse me while I try to remove rocks from my eyes.

    Squawkfox’s last blog post..Slow Cooker Recipes: Pot Roast and Southwestern Chicken Soup

  161. I am totally going to respond to spam from now on.

    You have just opened up a whole new world for me to spew my manic thoughts to.

    You’re like Jesus, but without the whole dying and coming back to life thing.

    Andy’s last blog post..if wishes were granted like shits are shat i’d be one happy lass

  162. no one asks me to review things. now i’m feeling all sad about it. then i realized my blog is just letters to my daughter.

    for the record if anyone asked me to review wine or percoset i would dedicate claire’s entire “25 months” letter to their keywords.

    i’d be all like, “dear claire, this month you punched me in the boob so hard that i chugged 4 glasses of [your vineyard here] cabernet and then later when you shoved a barbie into my c-section scar i popped a few [your pharmeceutical company name here] percosets. by the magical healing powers of booze and prescription narcotics i feel good. i feel great. i feel wonderful….


    katie’s last blog post..two years

  163. If someone could find a way to bottle your particuarly brand of crazy, they would make a mint! Love it.

    Jill (CDJ)’s last blog post..And we’re off…

  164. The product actually sounds good.

    The testimonials, if from real consumers, give it high marks. I’ll probably buy some.

    You probably can go after them for residuals…….
    THAT should be extremely fucked upinteresting.

  165. Dear Bloggess,
    You should read this as a podcast and virally spread it – it would be hilarious. I’d be the first one to post it under:

    What NOT to do when pitching bloggers.

    Then you could do tips in your own very sweet style.

    loved it!

  166. 166
    marissa lucado

    thanks for making me laugh out loud! absolutely too funny. and the fact that its true only makes it funnier. ha!

  167. I’m really sad to hear about The Lawn Rangers. I know how much the company meant to you.

    Another American Dream dies…

    Amy in OHio’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday…just under the wire

  168. Hey, is one-eyed-Steve a euphemism for penis? Just wondering.

  169. Man if I only had your brain. I would have come up with the awesomest response when a dude offered to send me some wannabe rappers demo to review.
    Mainly I just laughed a lot but a response like the one you crafted to poor old Pete would have been equally as kickass if not more so.

    WM’s last blog post..It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

  170. I’m saddened that no one got the Lawn Rangers allusion to the great film Bottle Rocket.

    “One morning, over at Elizabeth’s beach house, she asked me if I’d rather go water-skiing or lay out. And I realized that not only did I not want to answer THAT question, but I never wanted to answer another water-sports question, or see any of these people again for the rest of my life.”

    I feel like that today.

  171. […] note 2:  I have found the acid that should have gone to Jenny, The Bloggess when she was doing this review.  It comes in tiny tubes in the pharmacy section and you don’t have to get the $18 real […]

  172. Hey, I found that flippin’ acid, they sent it to my house, you can find it at http://www.momecentric.com/2009/03/19/dear-body/ but it is sold in stores under the name zilactin dear Jesus I may die

    Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Media Criticism

  173. thats just so kick ass. I want to mess around with peoples heads like you do ahahahahaha

    Karen’s last blog post..Finally

  174. i’m speechless….
    i had to cut and paste to send to friends and family – becuz theyre too lazy to click on to bloggess…..
    so now i’m making them read what makes me laugh.hahahahahaha

  175. I think you will enjoy this… thanks for the inspiration!


    sarah moore’s last blog post..The Foot: Day Nine

  176. i totally got the same email and he sent the lotion …
    which i think means that my blog is totally as cool as yours, no?
    so, why do i only get 4 comments at a time?

    jen’s last blog post..really … i could’ve just died.

  177. Hilarious just keep those marketers on their crazy little toes

    habanerogal’s last blog post..Bullet Time Tuesday Vaginalogues

  178. 179
    Theresa Ayers

    ONG that was too funny

  179. OMG I hate getting e-mails that are completely irrelevant to my website or blog. People can be so stupid.

    castocreations’s last blog post..New Affiliate Program

  180. Nice gonads, chica. Seriously, well done. I am curious to know if he’ll ever discover his utter marketing FAIL, or if he’ll continue in his attempt to turn everyone into a lawn maintenance practitioner. It’s a strange, strange new world…

    emma’s last blog post..Parlez-Vous Francais

  181. This has nothing to do with “Marketers,” but how could I not share this with you?

    “Today, I found out that I am 14 weeks pregnant. The father of the baby is now engaged to my best friend, whom he was cheating on me with when I became pregnant. I’m going to be the maid of honor, 8 months pregnant with his child, at their wedding. FML” http://www.fmylife.com

    Leos, Midgets, & Mood Swings’s last blog post..Salutations From The Purple Lion…

  182. I dealt with him last year. Claimed the lotion was natural and all doctors recommended it. Rather just stick to my eucerin.

    pickel’s last blog post..When all else fails call the painter

  183. I think I love you. Seriously, with all the poorly researched PR pitches I get…oooh, wiping tears from my eyes.

    Kim@Galavanting’s last blog post..Galavanting Guide to New York City: A Budget Weekend

  184. 185

    I laughed my eyeballs off.

    And think I’m gonna send this to my hubs who believes that all blogging is self-indulgent circle-jerkish claptrap. He needs to know that there are some really serious people out here, doing important work and actually saving the world for us all. One rock-dissolving blog at a time.

    (p.s. earnestgirl is my pirate Twitter name where I flash people regularly in the name of good works. See ya there, matey. & bring your sunscreen.)

  185. Hmmm…I have to figure out how to get these clueless jackasses to send me free shit…

    Chris’s last blog post..The strange, psychic power of the iPod

  186. I’m such an idiot. My dad only has one eye and loves boating.. Why haven’t I been talking to him in pirate-speak for years? Yet another missed opportunity in life. Garrr!

    My friend’s dad only has one leg, I always told her we’d have to combine fathers to get one whole one. Particularly since they are both half-assed dads.

  187. My six year old wanted to know why snot kept on coming out of my nose while I was laughing about this.

    That post, my friend, was truly hilarious.

    I need to go blow my nose now.

    Torina’s last blog post..Please don’t whack me

  188. […] If you market to bloggers, you really should read their blogs first. […]

  189. You get the BEST email exchanges going. I’m SO jealous. All I got was yoga pants.

    Kristy – Where’s My Damn Answer’s last blog post..That once a year visit to your doc…

  190. One day, I will have my own lawn team, and it will be glorious. Oh yes, glorious….

  191. I found this blog today and I’m not sure if I love you or hate you. My husband is going to have me committed for talking about a giant labia and saying WOLVERINES too loudly – too many times.

    Send help, send paypal, send usb tampons.

    tammigirl’s last blog post..Kitten Goes To Hollywood

  192. I am laughing… I am crying… I might even vomit. But that is just the bulemia talking… really!

    I often wondered about these groups and what they are requesting. I was super thrilled not to long ago when someone commented on my blog that they wanted me to link my site to their site so they could [insert inane babble from things that don’t concern me] in return for sending me a ring. Well, I like rings. Then I had to look at which blog they were referring to, because, really… I am slightly addicted to blogging under various pretenses. I realized…

    They were a wedding ring company. On my divorce blog. I did send them a reply letting them know I would be happy to extend them a link on my blog, though the ring was wholely unnecessary as it is a DIVORCE BLOG. I am still awaiting a reply.

    And a ring.

    And maybe some acid.

    Or just a donut.

    Elizabeth’s last blog post..Welcome to the Hotel California…

  193. This is the best, funniest post I’ve ever written.

    Seriously, that’s it. The end.

    nicoleantoinette’s last blog post..stereotypes, a $200 giveaway, and a new movement for change

  194. Love it.

    Bet a lot of other people watched the rock-acid video too.

    So not sure who won.

    Marc’s last blog post..Madeleine McCann And Natasha Richardson For Sale

  195. […] is the Bloggess, who is taunting executives through the mail. When I read this post, I was pretty sure she made this […]

  196. I am crying. And I don’t even have lotion or acid or rocks in my eyes.

    Missives From Suburbia’s last blog post..Suburban Obsessions #33 — My Magical World

  197. 198
    Kristie aka slackermommy

    OMG, this totally cracks me up. Pete has been sending me those emails for nearly 2 years and now I’m thinking I’ve wasted all that time deleting them when I could have been fucking with him. We should start a movement of responding to PR with smart-ass humor. You should write a book of smart ass comments for clueless marketers for our reference.

  198. […] See the box? Go way, WAY outside of it. Why It’s Bold: Boldness takes innovation and without thinking beyond the box, you are doing yourself a disservice. How to […]

  199. Oh my holy hell!!! I had to read it three time because I could not stop laughing. The tears of laughter drowned out my keyboard – Do you have a disclaimer for that?

  200. OMG, this was SO funny! I hope that One Eyed Steve is okay with or without his new glass eyeball. LMBO.

    Nancy’s last blog post..Chatty Patty

  201. Hilarious! I have been a marketer my whole career (and people still like me) and this was GREAT! We marketers do the stupidest things.

  202. Why you need to know who you’re marketing to…

    (By Jenny, Bloggess & mom of 4-year-old) Holy crap, y’all. You know how whenever I get a marketing email from someone who clearly has no idea who I am I completely screw with them as long as possible because if……

  203. […] our daily PR blog surfing, we came across an article from The Bloggess (who, in her opinion, is like Mother Teresa, only […]

  204. 206
    Lady Penelope

    A work colleague and I always write emails back to dumb ass marketers – we have yet to create kick-ass names for non-existent businesses though. Once we selected the letter ‘p’ and used as many words staring with ‘p’ in a response that we could. “Your persistent and proposterous proposition poses possible problems …”

    Gawd, the Lawn Rangers … classic

  205. Well organized article with lots of useful info and links. Thanks

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