I think Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) might be me writing to me from the future. I am totally going to fuck up the space/time continuum.

So remember when I wrote about the greatest letter-writer in the history of the world (Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal) and everyone said she should start her own blog and I was all “Yeah, Nance, why don’t you have a blog?” and she was all “Bitch, I don’t know from ‘BLOG’.  That’s totally the noise I make when I’m throwing my guts up” so I resigned myself to just treasuring the bizarre letters she sends me but then when I posted a picture of my inbox people saw that she was still writing me and I got a bunch of people yelling at me for keeping Nancy all to myself.  So fine, here’s a small sampler of the letters from Nancy W. Kappes (Paralegal) from the last few weeks.  Please stop yelling at me.

Sweetie, you CAN NOT tell me you have motherfucking rheumatoid arthritis!!!  NoNoNoNo! Baby, you are too young for that shit, and I know cause my mother got it when she was young and it’s just all fucked up. The prednisone works okay but it so fucks you up with the hair on your goddamned face and will make you look like the fat guy in the “Borat” movie and I am getting snot all over my fucking keyboard because I am crying so hard right now I cannot even see because THIS SHIT IS TOTALLY MOTHERFUCKING FUCKED!

 

You’re going to get all kinds of whacked-out people telling you to hell, I don’t know, wear a copper bracelet, eat hickory nuts, douche with cat pee, but fuck, JJJJJJJJEEEENN. It’s like, remember when you were pregnant and all these fucking women would like jump out at you and fucking BOO! tell you these monster-motherfucking horror stories about being pregnant, or how to breast feed your kid [duh. when mine would wake up in the night—they slept in a bassinet by my bed, I’d toss ‘em in with me and say, “here you go; one on each side, I’m going the hell back to sleep.”] Here’s what NWK,P would do: remember the poster I had on my wall in high school of Janis Joplin in all her feathered, spangled glory saying, “DON’T TAKE NO SHIT FROM NOBODY; TELL ‘EM ALL TO FUCK OFF.” It has been my life’s motto and ya know what? it’s worked for me all these years.

 

Totally bringing the flamethrower to Our Lady of the Perpetual Mink,

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

 

Why is it that nothing bad ever happens to the motherfucking shitheads in this world?  I think in my next life, I’m gonna come back as a real ass-hole. I think it’ll be cush.  Now I know why they don’t sell automatic weapons on the street. I would be one busy motherfucking bitch.

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal

REPRIEVED!!  Bene-to-tha-Dick just proclaimed that Plenary Indulgences are back on! Yee-Haw!  For the younger Catholics, it’s a practice that is like this totally awesome Get-To-Heaven-Quicker Plan we used to have, sort of like Green Stamps, but instead of toaster ovens, you collect points for saying your prayers—Hells, Yeh, Baby!! I’ll have to dig out Ye Olde Prayer Booke, but it’s something like if you say a Hail Mary, that’s like five years off your Purgatory sentence!  Sweet!! You can fucking rock the points all day long and maybe even end up with Extra Credit Points. Goddamn! I am so stoked!! I wonder if it is going to be retroactive—that way, I’ll totally get points for all those prayers I’ve said since 1963. But—FUCK! SHIT! I forgot about inflation. What if now for a Hail Mary you just get like 2 stinking weeks knocked off?  That will totally blow. In the meantime, I’m getting two-for-one, cause although I look like I am totally praying for You to get well from that EVlL RA, I’m also rackin’ up mah points, bitches!

Lighting all the BIG votive candles, not the chintzy-ass little ones,

 

Nancy W. Kappes

Paralegal, Who Please Fer Chrissakes, Don’t Make me File A Pro Hac Vice Motion or Anything that Has to Do With the Courts Because I am Totally Phoning In

Nice photo on your latest post! You realize, of course, that Mariah Carey is going to totally kill you since you have magic rainbows coming out of your tits and because she has a patent on rainbows and unicorns and little woodland creatures getting you dressed in the morning. Christ, I’m lucky if I can find two shoes that match. I got some new meds today that came with the instructions, “If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, call your doctor.” And what? He comes and gives you a blow job?

 

Looking Out For Your Welfare,

Nantine

 

Whoa! It’s only 10:16pm here and I am totally fucking baked. [This is the time I would usually do the drunk-dialing and phone my brother—1955-1996; a physician who made house calls-as my father did-to people in rural South Carolina with no fucking money, no future, no fucking hope. Yes, he was a saint, but he was cool—he had a fuckin wicked sense of humour and yet when you were around him, you wanted to be a better person. And not in some douche-bag way—he was just fucking awesome. He was the ‘baby’-born right after my father came home from the Korean War where my father was an M.D. in the POW camp—sorta like “MASH” My sister was two when my father left, my mother got knocked up, and I was born.  On September 27th.  Yeah…do the math – I still have the motherfucking scars on my head from the knitting needle and the first words I remember are “Oh, Jesus Christ, you DID NOT just do that!” Yes, they should have corked more than the champagne bottle. So, whoa! here is a post from NWKP that is all sensitive and shit, but I’ll tell you this: I might not have know how to raise a kid, but I sure as fuck knew how not to.

So, fuck me running, this is prolly not going to make any fucking sense when I re-read it. So I won’t. Suffice to say, I am baked enough to wish that I was 15 years old and could run away from home again.

We gotta do something with this goddamned RA.

I can barely see,

nwkp

Comment of the day:I think it is totally fucking hilarious that when Nancy is baked at 10:16 PM, her spelling, grammar, and punctuation achieve almost normal status, and she says “fuck” a lot less often. I’m torn about this. I completely approve of 10:16 bakedness (AM OR PM), but she rants way better sober, apparently. Please ask Nancy to drink more, because that’s a good rule in general, but not to let it dull her fucking edge.  ~  Lori

61 thoughts on “I think Nancy W. Kappes (paralegal) might be me writing to me from the future. I am totally going to fuck up the space/time continuum.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. “Now I know why they don’t sell automatic weapons on the street. I would be one busy motherfucking bitch.”

    Put that on a bumper sticker, I am there.

  2. i never thought about having a doctor make a house call to give you a blowjob because of the meds he gave you already. does that make him a whore? i mean, there is an exchange of money at some point and sex is involved, so i am thinking yes. looks like i need to find a new doctor, because i didn’t know they provided that service.

    SQLBatman’s last blog post..Question For Today

  3. And people say that reading blogs is a waste of time. I am now scared and entertained at the same time — is that scarentained???

    Cathy’s last blog post..Shopping

  4. I believe there is a feedback mechanism at work here. Perhaps Ms. Kappes inspires The Bloggess, but surely it is a two way street. After all, I’ve only been reading here for two months, and I’ve noticed it influencing my correspondence. As evidence I submit this note from late Thursday night . . .

    I think I’m through the worst of the cold, but I got that burst of energy that comes from being able to breathe fairly well after a couple of days of zombified gurgling. Unable to sleep, I read all sorts of stuff (and watched a few videos, as I now realize the point of this note came from the latter.)

    Apparently, this Sunday’s Big Love will feature a painstakingly accurate depiction of an LDS endowment ceremony. These rituals constitute promotion in the ranks of the church hierarchy. It was reported that Sunday’s scene will include the “sacred handshake” reserved only for church elites. This reservation is taken very seriously, as it is believed the handshake is to Heaven what being on “the list” is to entering a trendy overcrowded nightclub. The scene is in no way mocking. Yet mainstream LDS folks are very upset because their church leaders tell them to be, and church leaders promote outrage for fear that any ol’ Christian (not to mention unbelievers and such) will learn an effective technique for circumventing the angelic security in place at the Pearly Gates.

    Personally, I always thought I could just bribe them with something from my big fat karmic wallet, but then I heard that karma comes with expiration dates (and also is antithetical to the Christian teaching that spiritual justice is exclusive to the afterlife.) I suppose now I have to fallback on my looks . . . but that will require losing 60lbs., growing a full beard again, and hoping Jesus wasn’t actually black. I mean, the alternative has its advantages too, but I’m sure by now Hell has a huge waiting list for people who want to have dinner with Mark Twain. Maybe John Lennon still has a little slack in his social calender.

    Pondering,
    Jason

    Okay, so it’s not in the same league, but on a surprisingly small amount of drugs I had a surprisingly large departure from my usual writing style. Now I’m preoccupied with measuring the rate of change. I need to know just how long it will be before I start transmuting random oddities from my day into amusements for the coolest subset of humanity.

    Demonweed’s last blog post..What You Should Think About Balance

  5. Coming here and trying to be witty and funny in the comments is like…oh, God, similies have failed me, I should quit life now…ANYWAY, point is, I bow to the greatness of Jenny the Bloggess and Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegel, because I can’t even be funny in the comments anymore, that’s how bawesome ya’ll are.

  6. I think it is totally fucking hilarious that when Nancy is baked at 10:16 PM, her spelling, grammar, and punctuation achieve almost normal status, and she says “fuck” a lot less often. I’m torn about this. I completely approve of 10:16 bakedness (AM OR PM!), but she rants way better sober, apparently. Please ask Nancy to drink more, because that’s a good rule in general, but not to let it dull her fucking edge.

    Lori’s last blog post..Life Would Be Easier If I Never Had to Leave the House, But Also Had a Maid

  7. OH MY GOD, just read your tweet and now I’m all IS NWK,P THE BLOGGESS?

    I demand proof of Nancy’s existence. Like, a video blog. Because, knowing you, you’d just pull a random picture of a lady in a Jesus embroidered cap and say it was her.

  8. I had noticed that you were not sharing Nancy… and I’m so glad that you finally are again! It’s not just the RA… I’ve got the goddamned Cushing’s Disease (when you have a disease named after a dead guy there’s an online support group for that).

    So they sucked out the tumor and I’m trying to wean off the fucking prednisone. I’m not sure which is worse… too much of the shit or not enough. I feel like ass. Pass me a Guinness, some ativan and some more oxycodone.

  9. I’ve never been fortunate enough to have meds warning me to call my doctor if I get an erection lasting longer than 4 hours (and if I got an erection I’d probably start crying because my vagina has never had an erection before), but I am lucky enough to get valium and percocet and good shit like that. Is that enough to get me in the club with NWK,P and Jenny?

  10. Thats totally wierd that people are accusing you of making up Nancy W Kappes because just the other day I was telling my boss about your blog and dead kitten mittens and he looked at me all funny and was like “are you sure that this is not just some crazy alternate personallity of yours blogging?” and I’m like “WHA-??” But seriously how wierd would it be if you were totally addicted to following some blog and it turns out its actually YOU blogging…’cause you’re crazy. *twilight zone music*

    Anyway, all that to say maybe you DID make up Nancy W Kappes…you just dont know it yet *twilight zone*

  11. I’m glad those emails are going into your inbox and not mine. I’d feel obligated to reply but when I talk to people I half-consciously try to match their tone sometimes and I’d be at a loss for ways to be that awesome and nuts.

    Maria’s last blog post..girl talk

  12. I swear to god, you could print these letters up, mount them, and create a nationwide traveling exhibition.

    It would be called: Now I know why they don’t sell automatic weapons on the street. I would be one busy motherfucking bitch.

    Everyone would be provided weed, meth, or cocaine before they entered.

    Jamie’s last blog post..6 ways to not play it safe.

  13. I heart Nancy. There’s just too much that is brilliant. It’s almost hard to believe she is real.

    She needs to be famous.

    ozma’s last blog post..Ungrateful

  14. Wait a second.

    You have rheumatoid arthritis? You, the Blogess?

    I thought that you might but then I went to look at the other posts because I didn’t want you to know that I haven’t been reading your blog regularly and you might have posted on it a whole bunch and then you would know.

    Then I went and read a little bit and did not notice any posts on arthritis. (Now I am revealing that I did not read back that far.)

    If you do have rheumatoid arthritis then that sucks!!! I’m really sorry. Also, if Nancy has it. I’m kind of confused here, as you see. But I hope you are OK. I hope what Nancy says isn’t right and you don’t have to take prednisone and blow up like the fat guy in Borat.

    ozma’s last blog post..Ungrateful

  15. “I can barely see” is an ominous yet informative way to close a letter, much better than stupid old “Sincerely”. I’m learning so much here.

    Kidney failure imminent,
    Becky

    Steam me up, kid’s last blog post..Because I care

  16. Nancy is delightful! I wish I had a Nancy. She’s prolly your consolation prize for winning the shitty-lottery of getting RA. It’s like sorry you got RA but here’s Nancy to really put it in perspective. And I bet, while you were trying to decipher what she was saying you forgot all about your RA…until she brought it up…thanks Nancy

  17. so yesterday afternoon I had a total mental breakdown while I was in the shower. Then I went to my bedroom and laid down on my bed naked, for a long time. Then I got up and did a load of laundry, because I hadnt washed any of MY clothes in almost three weeks. The reason I did a load of my laundry was because I decided that I would be much more comfortable in the mental hospital if I had a bag of freshly washed clothes with me.
    All of this is true and yes, I was 100% convinced that I would be admitted to the mental hospital before night fall last night.
    Somehow I wasnt.
    I just felt the need to say that. Here. Now.
    I dont know why.
    Good thing I still have some clean clothes. Just. In. Case.

    Madness’s last blog post.... Because I Love Him .. regardless

  18. out of all that, “sorta like MASH” was the thing that made me laugh out loud
    which is kinda weird, because logically the mariah carey thing or the doctor blow job thing should have been funnier, right?
    hmmm

  19. The reason she doesn’t have her own blog is because she is you. You set this whole thing up so that you could have blog fodder.

    We’ve figured you out!

    Kylie’s last blog post..Sadness

  20. I kind of picture her in a business suit but with a trucker’s hat on and with a cigarette dangling from her mouth. She’s awesome!

    I’m glad you shared Jenny, I noticed her in your inbox and wondered what insanity she had going on now.

  21. I got all excited when she mentioned South Carolina. I’m sure she doesn’t live here anymore (or maybe she never did, it’s hard to tell) but damn to think about her living in the same state as me is too good to even contemplate.

    Kim’s last blog post..Pat’s a saint but I ain’t

  22. I too want to see the other half of the correspondence. I have faith that the exchange is exponentially funnier than Nancy’s stand alone hilarity. Come on Bloggess!

    clickmom’s last blog post..keep out

  23. Dear Jen,

    Please put me in touch with Nancy. It is possible she is my birth mother.

    Searching for the truth,
    Shana

    Shana’s last blog post..Chili

  24. I have read Nancy’s letters.
    The woman is totally unhinged.
    Straight from the Id.
    Worrisome, such honesty.

    Now I am even more concerned that I understand them perfectly. What does this say about how I think? Reading you was bad enough, now I have this shit on my conscience too.

    I am not even Catholic and now I am thinking that I should do some kind of penance, eat some toadstools or get a hairshirt—something, anything– to re-equalize the karmic tilt.

    But I fear it is too late.

  25. Please tell me NWK,P works for a law firm that’s big on drug busts and prosecuting doctors for overprescribing oxycontin and xanax. That would make the world a perfect place.

  26. Bloggess,

    This is the thing I was scared of. I didn’t want to say. My grandmother had RA and the medicine did that to her. (She was much older than you, though.) I can’t freaking believe they haven’t gotten better medicine for RA than they had.

    All I can say is: *&^%$#@$#@#$&**!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And goddamnit. Fucking hell. That’s just wrong.

    I’m really sorry. And I’ll be thinking of you and hoping it gets better.

    ozma’s last blog post..Ungrateful

  27. Hmmm, so you know there’s some chemical in the brain that doesn’t allow a person to realize they have a split personality.

    At least your brain knew to make an extra email address for your second personality to send emails to the first one.

    Freaking hilarious.

    Kim@Galavanting’s last blog post..Martha Stewart Living Adds Travel

  28. I am a pharmacist and I am sure Nancy not only is real but has many clones. I generally encourage them to transfer their prescriptions to a rival chain. However, this rarely works as they are already getting the same meds there too…

    Nancy W. Kappes you are fine on the internet, but stay out of my store (especially during hours in which your MD cannot be contacted for verification)!

    I should point out, however, that most of the “clones” do not have the humor and gumption to wear Jesus Christ baseball caps. But then on the other hand they probably have to taste to avoid Janis Joplin and Rage Against the Machine. At least I’m hoping. Burzum forever and don’t mess with me Nancy.

  29. So I followed the link because you promised a picture of your in box. I’d even settle for a picture of your out box – so long as the lawn’s been mowed.

  30. Ok, so my mom is a WWII by-product but otherwise, she and NWKP have the same fucking birthday. I gotta start feeding my mom whatever the hell Nancy keeps eating. Or maybe it’s the water. No way is my mom moving to Indiana. Oh well.

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