So remember a couple of months ago when I was speaking at a humor panel at Blogher but they scheduled Tim Gunn (from Project Runway) to appear at the exact same time so I demanded that my minions kidnap Tim Gunn and bring him to the humor panel, and then the PR company handling Tim Gunn caught on and I had to distance myself from the whole thing so I wouldn’t be implicated and so the night before the panel I went to see Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to convince him to come to the humor panel and just stand next to me because the only way to fight a Tim Gunn is with a Carson Kressley but then Carson was all “Um…no” and I tried to seduce him but he wasn’t into me so I told him I was a drag queen and spoke really throatily and I’m all “Seriously. This is a wig. See.” and he just kind of looked at me so I’m all “Fine. Will you at least sign my boobs so you’re there in spirit?” and he did but rather unwillingly? No? You don’t remember that at all? Well that’s probably because I got distracted and forgot to write about it. I am the worst blogger in the history of ever. So fine. Let’s catch up…
I sent out these tweets in July:
- My Blogher panel is competing with Tim Gunn from Project Runway. Awesome.
- We must strike down Tim Gunn. Or find a way to lure him to our panel. Someone get on that.
- Minions, activate! Tim Gunn is sweet but easily confused. Use that to your advantage.
- But be careful. Tim Gunn easily spooks. He’ll be at the Tide booth so you just need to find a way to move the Tide booth into our room.
- Seriously, he’ll go wherever that Tide booth goes. The Tide booth is key here. Don’t get caught.
- Also, nothing can be tied to my name for legal reasons. If you get caught, blame blogher. They drove us to this.
- And by “us” I mean “you”.
- Shit! The Tide people have found this thread. Abort!
- Tide people, I had nothing to do with this conspiracy to kidnap Tim Gunn or your booth. I just heard about it myself. So weird.
Then the whole Carson Kressely debacle happened.
Then we had our humor panel which was awesome even though I had a panic attack and ended up sitting on the edge of the stage in case I needed to crawl under it because I FORGOT MY XANAX IN MY ROOM and I’m rummaging through my purse madly minutes before we begin and a girl sitting near me is all “Are you looking for drugs?” and I’m all “Yeah. Is it obvious?” but then someone else in the audience slipped me a tranquilizer and I didn’t take it because I didn’t know how it would react in my system but it made me feel better just knowing it was next to me and that’s why I love chick blogging conferences. Because someone nearby always has sedatives to share.
Oh wait, no. I still have more story. But that would have been a good end so if you want to stop there I don’t blame you. Then the panel ended and I ran back to my room to hide except the hotel “accidentally” kicked us out and changed the locks on us and then I got an email from the head of the company doing PR for Tide that she had Tim Gunn trapped in a hotel room and that I should come down. And I did. And he was lovely and charming and genuine and I found myself blurting out how sorry I was for the “whole kidnapping conspiracy thing” and he looked at me kind of blankly but still kindly and the head PR lady gave me this look like “We didn’t tell Tim Gunn about the kidnapping conspiracy” so then I tried to change the subject and I’m all “Seriously, I adore you. Can I molest you?” and then he started blushing and I’m all “Shit. Above the belt, I mean” like that’s going to make it better but instead of running away he said “Certainly, Jenny”. TIM GUNN REMEMBERED MY NAME, Y’ALL. And then I lightly molested him and so did Alli and I’m all “Would you consider adopting me? Or give me some sperm or a hair follicle so I can clone you?” He didn’t respond but I’m pretty sure it’s just because he didn’t hear me because he is totally the kind of guy that would give you a cup of sperm if you really needed one. In other words, he’s a gentleman. William Shatner could learn a lot from him.
Then this morning I read that Tim Gunn is going to be featured in an Iron Man comic:
So basically that means I’m ONE FUCKING DEGREE FROM IRON MAN. I called Victor to tell him because he’s at a conference and he was all “Do you have any idea what time it is here?” and I’m like “Time zones mean nothing to me. Iron Man!” Then he hung up. Probably because he was too intimidated by me and Iron Man.
PS. On an utterly unrelated note (except for the fact that this happened the same day I touched Tim Gunn and I forgot to write about it too) Deb and Anna and I ran right into the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which seemed like an ironic tie-in for a chick conference but when someone offers you a chance to stroke the Wienermobile you don’t say no. Unless you’re Deb, who told the Oscar Mayer rep that she wasn’t that into it because she’s a vaginatarian. And the weinie-mobile chick was like “A vegetarian? We have vegetarian products” and Deb was all “No. A VAGINAtarian” and the girl just kind of smiled blankly and ran away. Then I’m all “I don’t think she got it. Maybe you should’ve just said ‘lesbian‘?” and Deb was all “Oh no. She totally got it”. Then someone might have put a Bloggess sticker on the wienie-mobile as it was pulling away and it certainly wasn’t me and then Anna was yelling “WHO DEFILED THE WEINER-MOBILE?” The end. Again.
PPS. In hindsight, I think I should have ended this at the first “the end”. Or maybe skipped all this and just posted a link to a video of a cat taking a shower instead. That probably would have been less confusing for all of us.
Comment of the day: So… don’t kidnap Tim Gunn? Shit. We really need to work out a better system for communication. Don’t get me wrong, this way is fun, but I’ve kind of committed here. Would it be bad… if… let’s say… someone already cut off his finger? I’m not saying it happened, but… okay. It happened. But it wasn’t me. Okay. It was me. But you said “kidnap” and everyone knows that means somebody’s losing a finger. Whatever. I’ll let him go but someone’s going to have to explain this to the Tide people. Not it. ~ MayoPie