So remember a couple of months ago when I was speaking at a humor panel at Blogher but they scheduled Tim Gunn (from Project Runway) to appear at the exact same time so I demanded that my minions kidnap Tim Gunn and bring him to the humor panel, and then the PR company handling Tim Gunn caught on and I had to distance myself from the whole thing so I wouldn’t be implicated and so the night before the panel I went to see Carson Kressley from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to convince him to come to the humor panel and just stand next to me because the only way to fight a Tim Gunn is with a Carson Kressley but then Carson was all “Um…no” and I tried to seduce him but he wasn’t into me so I told him I was a drag queen and spoke really throatily and I’m all “Seriously. This is a wig. See.” and he just kind of looked at me so I’m all “Fine. Will you at least sign my boobs so you’re there in spirit?” and he did but rather unwillingly? No? You don’t remember that at all? Well that’s probably because I got distracted and forgot to write about it. I am the worst blogger in the history of ever. So fine. Let’s catch up…
I sent out these tweets in July:
- My Blogher panel is competing with Tim Gunn from Project Runway. Awesome.
- We must strike down Tim Gunn. Or find a way to lure him to our panel. Someone get on that.
- Minions, activate! Tim Gunn is sweet but easily confused. Use that to your advantage.
- But be careful. Tim Gunn easily spooks. He’ll be at the Tide booth so you just need to find a way to move the Tide booth into our room.
- Seriously, he’ll go wherever that Tide booth goes. The Tide booth is key here. Don’t get caught.
- Also, nothing can be tied to my name for legal reasons. If you get caught, blame blogher. They drove us to this.
- And by “us” I mean “you”.
- Shit! The Tide people have found this thread. Abort!
- Tide people, I had nothing to do with this conspiracy to kidnap Tim Gunn or your booth. I just heard about it myself. So weird.
Then the whole Carson Kressely debacle happened.
Then we had our humor panel which was awesome even though I had a panic attack and ended up sitting on the edge of the stage in case I needed to crawl under it because I FORGOT MY XANAX IN MY ROOM and I’m rummaging through my purse madly minutes before we begin and a girl sitting near me is all “Are you looking for drugs?” and I’m all “Yeah. Is it obvious?” but then someone else in the audience slipped me a tranquilizer and I didn’t take it because I didn’t know how it would react in my system but it made me feel better just knowing it was next to me and that’s why I love chick blogging conferences. Because someone nearby always has sedatives to share.
Oh wait, no. I still have more story. But that would have been a good end so if you want to stop there I don’t blame you. Then the panel ended and I ran back to my room to hide except the hotel “accidentally” kicked us out and changed the locks on us and then I got an email from the head of the company doing PR for Tide that she had Tim Gunn trapped in a hotel room and that I should come down. And I did. And he was lovely and charming and genuine and I found myself blurting out how sorry I was for the “whole kidnapping conspiracy thing” and he looked at me kind of blankly but still kindly and the head PR lady gave me this look like “We didn’t tell Tim Gunn about the kidnapping conspiracy” so then I tried to change the subject and I’m all “Seriously, I adore you. Can I molest you?” and then he started blushing and I’m all “Shit. Above the belt, I mean” like that’s going to make it better but instead of running away he said “Certainly, Jenny”. TIM GUNN REMEMBERED MY NAME, Y’ALL. And then I lightly molested him and so did Alli and I’m all “Would you consider adopting me? Or give me some sperm or a hair follicle so I can clone you?” He didn’t respond but I’m pretty sure it’s just because he didn’t hear me because he is totally the kind of guy that would give you a cup of sperm if you really needed one. In other words, he’s a gentleman. William Shatner could learn a lot from him.
Then this morning I read that Tim Gunn is going to be featured in an Iron Man comic:
So basically that means I’m ONE FUCKING DEGREE FROM IRON MAN. I called Victor to tell him because he’s at a conference and he was all “Do you have any idea what time it is here?” and I’m like “Time zones mean nothing to me. Iron Man!” Then he hung up. Probably because he was too intimidated by me and Iron Man.
PS. On an utterly unrelated note (except for the fact that this happened the same day I touched Tim Gunn and I forgot to write about it too) Deb and Anna and I ran right into the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile, which seemed like an ironic tie-in for a chick conference but when someone offers you a chance to stroke the Wienermobile you don’t say no. Unless you’re Deb, who told the Oscar Mayer rep that she wasn’t that into it because she’s a vaginatarian. And the weinie-mobile chick was like “A vegetarian? We have vegetarian products” and Deb was all “No. A VAGINAtarian” and the girl just kind of smiled blankly and ran away. Then I’m all “I don’t think she got it. Maybe you should’ve just said ‘lesbian‘?” and Deb was all “Oh no. She totally got it”. Then someone might have put a Bloggess sticker on the wienie-mobile as it was pulling away and it certainly wasn’t me and then Anna was yelling “WHO DEFILED THE WEINER-MOBILE?” The end. Again.
PPS. In hindsight, I think I should have ended this at the first “the end”. Or maybe skipped all this and just posted a link to a video of a cat taking a shower instead. That probably would have been less confusing for all of us.
Comment of the day: So… don’t kidnap Tim Gunn? Shit. We really need to work out a better system for communication. Don’t get me wrong, this way is fun, but I’ve kind of committed here. Would it be bad… if… let’s say… someone already cut off his finger? I’m not saying it happened, but… okay. It happened. But it wasn’t me. Okay. It was me. But you said “kidnap” and everyone knows that means somebody’s losing a finger. Whatever. I’ll let him go but someone’s going to have to explain this to the Tide people. Not it. ~ MayoPie
139 thoughts on “Fuck Kevin Bacon. (But not in a bad way. Kevin Bacon is fine. This is a conceptual title. Stop yelling at me, Kevin Bacon fans.)”
Read comments below or add one.
If only you could dub your voice reading this post over the cat taking a shower video. It might be the best three minutes of my entire year. Look into it.
I’d be more impressed if you were one degree from Ozzy Osborne *singing* “Iron Man”.
.-= Spamboy´s last blog ..Other Blogs to Which I Contribute =-.
I consider your blog my ab workout for the day. Also, I typically fill my curse word quota for the day while reading, i.e. She fucking didn’t! and Shit that’s funny! or I need me some fucking Bloggess drugs. Where in the name of Jesus. H. Christ does she come up with this? It’s the drugs, y’all. The drugs.
.-= Ms. Caddy Wumpus´s last blog ..A little heartbreak =-.
i love, love, LOVE that the cat is doing it to himself AND looks pissed at the same time!
.-= Jean´s last blog ..Asparagus, dressed up =-.
I am followed on Twitter by someone who is one degree away from IRON MAN.
Wait, does that mean I’m two degrees from fucking IRON MAN?? Boo-yah!
.-= Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Comin’ down the mountain =-.
I watched the cat video and now I have to pee. I should probably do some kegels.
.-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Housecleaning Purgatory =-.
You are so awesome, lol
.-= Mamacakes´s last blog ..If You’re So Unhappy, Why Don’t You Leave? =-.
Firstly, I have that exact wig. So I’m like TWO degrees from Iron Man.
Secondly, next year, if you forget your Xanax in your room and you also don’t have a cup of sperm and also the stage is too low to hide under (there also could be spiders under there. I’m just saying) I will loan you some of MY Xanax because I wear it in a little vial around my neck just like Angelina Jolie wore Billy Bobs blood only not creepy.
.-= Miss Thystle´s last blog ..What are you trying to say? =-.
Tim Gunn. And Carson K. All in one day. Then the weiner moblie. God is trying to tell you something. Then he yells, if you aren’t paying close attention, “Iron Man”! Wow. It’s a soap opera. And I like it. It’s all coliary and everything.
.-= Martie´s last blog ..But I Am Not White Trash, Ok? You Listening To Me?… =-.
In college, I tried to hijack the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile, but I had just a tad too much to drink. Okay, probably too much to drink (I had a coliary amount to drink!) and I ended up getting into a brawl with some chick I hated at school, only to realize she didn’t go to my school at all and I ended up picking a fight with a total stranger. Oops. And the Wienermobile got away, dammit.
.-= The Fashion Slinger´s last blog ..Faery Tales =-.
Tim Gunn’s change of expression between picture 2 and picture 3 makes me suspect that a minor-molestation occurred at that point and he didn’t hate it.
Those pictures are awesome. Also, I want to molest Tim Gunn. It looks fun.
.-= Brooke´s last blog ..Sometimes I Wonder About Him… =-.
Fuck! I thought I was the only vaginatarian, well, can we form a society now? I’ve already started building the vagmobile, but I can’t decide on wood floors or shag carpeting.
.-= The Psycho Ex Wife´s last blog ..Fantasy Custody and Child Support Guidelines =-.
You and Tim make a “Hot” couple! You should ditch Victor (he never seems helpful anyway) and run off with Tim in the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile.
.-= Toy With Me´s last blog ..Dear Redhead – My Wife Sucks At Sucking =-.
that’s awesome – have considered kidnapping Tim Gunn myself and make him my own personal shopper, lunch partner and all around life-guru
.-= Kathryn´s last blog ..the cupcake phenomenon =-.
Wow! One degree away from Ironman. So does that mean I’m two? I follow you on twitter and you know Mr. Gunn. I say that’s a score for all of us.
Plus I met Carson Kressley too…I should post a pic!
.-= The Bare Essentials Today´s last blog ..Where did the condom go? =-.
You DEFILED THE WEINERMOBILE???
.-= Jen @ lifelove’n’wine´s last blog ..3 Years =-.
It is so obvious that you slipped TG some of your meth. Why else would he go from looking like he had just had an unfortunate encounter with POLYESTER to looking all chill, dope and coliary?
I think I really do want to stalk you now. Not only did you have the nerve to molest Tim Gunn, which is as good as Iron Man, really, but you molested the Weinermobile and I love it! Then, you post a cat video that is just channeling my great-grandma Caroline, God rest her soul, who looks JUST LIKE THAT CAT. It’s hard to explain, but I think you just linked my great-grandmother and me across the mortal veil, and THAT MAKES YOU BETTER THAN IRON MAN!
I think this means I am only two steps away from Iron Man since I read your blog! Is being two steps away from Iron Man a good thing or a bad thing?
.-= -R-´s last blog ..Labor Day Weekend =-.
THERE IS STICKER TRADING AT BLOGHER??
That’s it, I’m totally going next year.
Vaginatarian. That shit’s being added to my vocabulary. Hilarious.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..One more thing off the check list =-.
Like I told someone else, that cat needs help if that’s how it drinks water.
Lucky! I’d love to stroke the peen mobile.
.-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..Bestest Ever! =-.
OMG……..so by the title, I thought you had a Shatner-moment with my boy Kevin, but no mention of KB at all in your post. Albeit very funny, and so makes me want to go to Blogher next year, I was a bit disappointed that I was served no bacon. No worries, I totally got the connection and all. I guess the weiner mobile is kinda like bacon.
.-= Karyn´s last blog ..Happy Holidays! =-.
Was I there? I think I was there. But I didn’t see Mr. Gunn or a giant wiener car or drug deals or a cat taking a shower (but maybe that wasn’t at BlogHer), so maybe I wasn’t really there. Or maybe I was just hung-over the whole time.
.-= Wendi´s last blog ..Yoga Poses I Inadvertently Invented During Today’s Class =-.
We passed the weinermobile on the way to church the other day. Kind of puts you in a state of shock for a nano second when that shit happens. It didn’t even register in my mind what just happened until my mom pointed it out. It might as well have been a 2006 silver volvo until my mom was all “Did you just see the weiner car?” And I was all “Oh yeah, I totally did.” And it was on the way to church which I think somehow adds color to the story.
I was in that panel, yo. And I wondered why you sat on the edge of the stage, but a I was sitting on the floor, it didn’t seem appropriate to ask. What the hell was BlogHer thinking in giving us that TINY room? Jackasses.
Anyhow, you were totally awesome.
.-= Erica´s last blog ..WORRIED =-.
It may have even been from the same service the pastor quoted William Shatners book and the twitter fued between him and the bloggess flashed through my mind.
I need to spend less time on the internets
I’m in this crazy whirlwind of name dropping today. First Dooce and now you. And I already felt dirty because I actually read Dooce today.
I always feel dirty when I read you, so this is not unexpected.
Wait… I just admitted “again” that I read Dooce today.
Well the good news is no one has accused me of writing you a threatening email yet. I was accused of writing one to Dooce.
She deserved it.
You might too.
I’m unsure. I’m going to write one to Ralph Macchio instead because I have this great idea for him to host a dancing show that is set in the Donkey Kong game.
P.S. Picking up my meds soon.
.-= Betsey´s last blog ..My Black Hole Has Been A Very Busy Place =-.
Basically, I just love you.
.-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..The house isn’t going to blow up or collapse so basically it was a good day. =-.
Bloggess, I get all excited when you have a new post. It’s like Christmas morning, only I’m never disappointed by your posts. The presents my husband gets me – yes, disappointing. You, never.
Thanks for the laughs.
.-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Drat. Now I have to learn Chinese. =-.
the pic of you with the signed boobage makes me want to become a vaginatarian!! rofl… but I’m married and I’m pretty sure the authorities would think I only wanted to get citizenship for your country and stuff…
gawd I wish I’d been at blogher- I would have been the troll hiding under the stage the entire time… cool kids still scare me!!!
We tried to get into the humor panel to see you but that room was PACKED and there was no way another body was possible. We heard that even people who had been in the room in the session before who just left their stuff still had a hard time finding seats. I hope next time you’ll get a larger venue.
I did get to meet Tim Gunn, though, since I wasn’t laughing my ass off with you. I truly don’t think he could be a lovelier person. After I got my autographed pic of him, I had to pee, and of course I took him in with me b/c I wasn’t going to leave the pic on the wet sink or anything. I propped up my mini Tim on the toilet cover dispenser on the wall. Except that I left him facing out, so I basically made Tim Gunn watch me pee. What was I thinking? He deserved better. The shame is on me.
.-= Shelly´s last blog ..Old New Friends =-.
Wow. Now You are like Kevin Bacon, screw Einstein & bring on the 6 degrees of The Bloggess.
.-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..The Pioneer Woman’s Boots Kept Me From Working =-.
1) For this year’s Halloween costume, consider Carson Kressley and/or Tim Gunn.
2) Buy pack of Sharpies.
3) Let the boobie signing begin!
.-= Ed´s last blog ..The Silence of the Lamb =-.
I thought my cat was dumb because she sometimes has trouble getting her mouth positioned right to drink from a faucet, but she’s a feline rocket scientist in comparison to this cat!
Glad you didn’t scare Tim Gunn too much. Whoever he is. I don’t watch much reality TV except for Survivor so I would have dug that story more if it had been Jeff Probst! Yeah, I know, when I start my *own* blog and have minions, I can use them to stalk and terrorize Probst!
Take out bathroom breaks and you ARE Iron Man! Victor is clearly jealous.
I love that even Tim Gunn has overly-red-face, and not from too much drinking but maybe in later decades, like me!
.-= Occidental_Girl´s last blog ..An Apologia….Nay, Excuse =-.
In Sunday school, they warned us about the consequences of defiling our Wienermobiles.
.-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..Weight For It =-.
Remember that part in the movie “Se7en” where Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman pull the framed painting off the wall and realize someone cut off the guy’s hand then used that hand to press letters into the wall behind the painting that spelled “HELP ME”, in sperm or something else that glows in the dark, but couldn’t be seen in regular light?
Remember how you felt a little uneasy knowing the person who thought up that script was still out, walking around? Among the rest of us?
Yeah, I remember that, too.
So… don’t kidnap Tim Gunn? Shit. We really need to work out a better system for communication. Don’t get me wrong, this way is fun, but I’ve kind of committed here. Would it be bad… if… let’s say… someone already cut off his finger? I’m not saying it happened, but… okay. It happened. But it wasn’t me. Okay. It was me. But you said “kidnap” and everyone knows that means somebody’s losing a finger. Whatever. I’ll let him go but someone’s going to have to explain this to the Tide people. Not it.
.-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Nun tubes? =-.
I have to admit, I was confused about the Kevin Bacon title until I started reading the comments. Now I get it, one degree vs. six degrees… I always did suck at math. My stepdaughter (fashion design major, future project runway hopeful) would be so jealous that you met and fondled Tim Gunn. But me, I’m jealous of the wienermobile, now that looked like some fun fondling right there! I know, I’m pathetic. But then again, I always did suck at porn (no pun intended).
.-= Momish´s last blog ..This, That, Me, Him, Her & It =-.
.-= Chloe´s last blog ..(Over The) Bee’s Knees =-.
And Psycho ExWife- For the Vagmobile you can go with either shag carpet or wood, just make sure it matches the drapes.
.-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Nun tubes? =-.
I have no idea who Tim Gunn is. You and Pundit Mom are always going on about him (well, she does anyway) and I am clueless.
But I love your wig. So Drew Barrymore.
.-= annie´s last blog ..Rob and Me Stuff =-.
In those pictures, Tim Gunn looks kind of like Santa’s slightly more charming, slightly less jolly, beardless and a trifle wary brother.
Tim Gunn should definately think about spreading his genetics around a bit. Clone a Tim Gunn Army and we’d not only achieve world peace and civility, but we’d look pretty hot too! Gather around Designers and carry on!
.-= Linnnn´s last blog ..Soccer. Balls. Half-Time. =-.
When a new Bloggess post comes out I feel less like I want to stab someone. life is good again.
.-= Eric´s last blog ..Hmmmmm =-.
The wienermobile was one of the highlights of my trip to BlogHer. I stroked it too. Who could resist? You know, except for the vaginatarians ….
.-= Twenty Four At Heart´s last blog ..I Am An Uppity Bitch =-.
So…. when do I get to fuck Kevin Bacon?
.-= Andrea’s Sweet Life´s last blog ..My New Home =-.
Tim Gunn? You have no idea how lucky you are to have survived. It could have ended very badly for you.
.-= Cat´s last blog ..Concern Over Comrade Obama’s Speech Mounts =-.
Tim Gunn, Tim Gunn remembering your name, and a wiener-mobile! I want your life… I’ll stop here before u think I’m a stalker…
I showed that video to my cat because clearly she is doing it all wrong and she just said “Fuck You” in a kitty sort of way which means she’ll be puking in my shoes later. So, thanks to you, I’ll be stepping in cat puke. Nice.
Hit submit while I was pissed at the future cat puke and forgot to mention that no one has ever signed my boobs, ever. Husband’s reading over my shoulder and offered to do it for me, but that so totally doesn’t count since he’s not famous or gay.
.-= Barbara´s last blog ..Don’t Know, Don’t Care =-.
OH SWEET JESUS ONE DEGREE FROM IRON MAN. I would be able to die happy. Also, Tim Gunn always seemed like a total peach of a human being to me, and I’m glad it’s for reals.
But mostly – OMG YOU ARE ONE DEGREE FROM IRON MAN. Feel free to lick Tony Stark for me if you get close enough. Mmmm, mama like.
Words cannot express how much I love Tim Gunn. Life is so good now that PR is on again.
.-= Lianne´s last blog ..Jane and her new BFF, Dorothy =-.
Dude Lesbian is so 1990’s. And OMG IRON MAN! Do you like play the song all day long? All and all I do believe your blogher experience was awesome and for us reading your post we learned so much about Tim Gunn, Carsen Kressly (I worship him) and wiener mobiles. Thank you!
.-= Jenn´s last blog ..Thursday Mind Tease =-.
Wouldn’t floors of wood kinda go against the whole idea of a vehicle for vaginatarians? I can see wanting something smooth and carpetless, but maybe a waxable labinate would be more appropriate.
3 minutes of a cat sticking its head in a running faucet? Why did you send me there? I kept waiting for something to happen.
.-= a´s last blog ..What’s wrong with people? =-.
You rocked the panel. That inexplicably high-gloss Weiner haunts me like cheap tequila though. It was sent there for you by your Sexis bosses, right?
.-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..You are amazing, Susan Mikula, I mean it =-.
Cats take showers?
I didn’t watch the cat video. But are you wearing a wig girl?
.-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..My Mii is a Hater =-.
i think i just peeed my pants just a little
haha – I love you. That’s all…
.-= Jesse Jo´s last blog ..Letters to my life… =-.
Wow. That’s amazing. A CAT TAKING A SHOWER, Y’ALL!
.-= Kim Røen´s last blog ..Rumor has it I haven’t been blogging =-.
Iron Man? Kevin Bacon? Tim Gunn? Fucking coliary, dude.
.-= Shana´s last blog ..My amazing body =-.
Personally, I was happy to see the weinermobile. I mean, who said there weren’t going to be weiners at Blogher? I was gearing up to be disappointed and weinerless the whole weekend and hot dog! wouldn’t you know it? Oscar Mayer saved the day – nevermind all the Blogher B-O-L-O-G-N-A.
.-= Undomestic Diva´s last blog ..No really, I ENJOY being the butt of all jokes =-.
Okay, saw the cat shower. How odd. Like black mad scientists….something you just don’t see. And I’m pretty sure that’s a wig. Love the color.
.-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..My Mii is a Hater =-.
Tim Gunn looks like he didn’t totally hate being molested!
Your blog is the best thing on the internet.
And THIS is why you are THE Bloggess. You got a gay guy to touch your boobs, a famous fashionista to remember your name, your face on the most famous bun(s) in the history of bun(s) and you didn’t even cheat on your husband despite the fact that you’re one degree of separation from Iron Man so you could have any man any where ever. Awesome. You have deepened my chick-crush, I’m nearing the send inappropriate gifts phase.
.-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Itchy Bitchy-itis =-.
How could you keep this gem from us for so long. What else did we miss at Blogher? What else are you keeping from us? God, I wish my life was so awesome that I forgot about celebs signing my boobage and giant wiener car defacings. Seriously, you are my idol.
1. How did I not know about you until LAST WEEK? Life will never be the same, thank God. Or do I mean thank Blogess?
2. Cheers for reminding me to add Xanax to the list of prescriptions I’ll be wheedling/responsibly requesting from my doctor tomorrow.
So, did everyone bring a cat to blogher?
.-= Amy (aka TheMom)´s last blog ..California Pests =-.
Confession and Ultimate Compliment:
At night, after I put my seven month old twins to sleep,
I pump a day’s worth of milk out of my breasts.
And read your blog.
Because I can’t have alcohol until after I pump.
And your blog is the next best thing to alcohol.
Now go pat yourself on the back
and consider me your best friend
until someone says that you are better than alcohol.
Don’t hold your breath.
.-= Joy´s last blog ..The Suite Life of Zadie and Lydia: 7/2 =-.
Tim Gunn’s face is a lot bigger than I think it should be. You know what else I love about Tim Gunn? That his name has to be said as “Tim Gunn” and not Tim or Timmy or Mr. Gunn or Spatzboy. I’m going to name my dogs Tim Gunn and Paul McCartney. But my cats have to die first. Jack says I’m not allowed to have any more pets until then, but when they go? I am going to have some KICK ASS mittens. And 2 dogs.
.-= Rosie´s last blog ..How the rest of the world thinks it really is in America =-.
NO FAIR!!! Where can *I* get a Bloggess Sticker?!?!
Oh man, do I wish we were all back in Chicago!! I think I was maybe two degrees away from all of these stories, if not right in the room. I’m feeling closer to Iron Man, now, too.
PS: I did not get a Tim Gunn picture. I don’t go down laundry detergent aisles because I sneeze. I figured I’d stay away from the Tide booth, too… just in case… but damn it all!! Now I wish I would have just borrowed some of your missing drugs and taken a picture with Iron Man’s stylist!!
.-= Sugar Jones´s last blog ..Back to School Organizing =-.
Your cat video makes me have to go pee. Thanks Mom, I’m Pavlov’s dog.
TOO FUNNY! I LOVE the Oscar Meyer Weiner vehicle! I just get such a laugh when I see one on the freeway. AND the cat video is the best! I especially like when he’s washing his ears.
.-= Shoegirl´s last blog ..Oscar Casares Reading from Amigoland (possible Oprah book choice) =-.
You had me at bacon…today I had a breakfast burrito that was supposed to be all healthy and shit…then I added like 6 slices of bacon. For real. That’s all I have to say. I love bacon.
.-= So Not Mom-a-licious´s last blog ..Everything you always wanted to know… =-.
1. I totally miss you
2. Carson had a pole up his ass. Or maybe it wasn’t a pole so much as rubber squeegee mop. I think that it was so far up there that it was causing his lips to puff out like there were squeegees in there. Which pretty much solves the whole mystery of why he was not ready to run off with you that night. Because really, it’s not all that easy to run with a squeegee up your ass.
Also you are just not convincing as a drag queen. I’m so sorry to break that to you. I tried really hard to be your straight girl friend who hangs around studiously hoping to get really good at gluing on false eyelashes and walking in platform heels. But at the end of the night I was still useless at all of those things and you were still a little *too* feminine. I was pissed off that Carson never told me how to look hot in pictures either. Probably because of the pole. So what did I learn that night anyway? Oh yeah, stick to vodka. The whiskey wasn’t a great idea. But that was much later on!
.-= momfluential´s last blog ..Target Misses the Mark with Back to School Ads =-.
At first I thought who the hell tapes their cat sticking his head in the water for 3:00 minutes and then I watched all 3:00 minutes. I AM THE IDIOT.
.-= Zoe Right´s last blog ..Did you Bring your Game? =-.
This post has me wondering what else you’re keeping from us, I mean forgetting to blog about. Seriously, I’m now concerned we’re missing out.
.-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Baby names have seriously gone to hell. =-.
The most unbelievable part of this post is the idea that there were people who chose hanging out in the Tide booth over the humor panel. How coliary.
.-= EvilSlutClique´s last blog .."Pure" Fashion? =-.
I love Tim Gunn!! Project Runway is running a sweepstakes to have lunch with him. True Story….you can enter here….
The $25,000 is just like a bonus.
Dude, I am hereby requesting to pre-order one of the Tim Gunn clones. I can pay you in videos of cats taking showers. Except I’ll do it to these cats and it will be HILARIOUS.
.-= LiLu´s last blog ..The Shiz My Boyfriend Says, Volume XV =-.
And you know what’s truly amazing? You *look* so normal… 😉
You just six-degreed Kevin Bacon to 17 different people, a comic book, and a box of detergent.
Just thought I’d throw that out there.
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Shaved…for Her Displeasure – Part One =-.
I want a bloggess sticker. I will put them *everywhere*.
I’ve never seen Tim Gunn look less composed. Did you ask him to caucus?
Vaginatarian? My new favorite word.
.-= shine´s last blog ..TMI Thursday – Be vewy quiet, I’m bweaking wabbit. =-.
Seriously, count me on the whole “papering the world with bloggess stickers” thing.
.-= Pando´s last blog ..Socialization, Innovation and Pie =-.
Bloggess, will you adopt me? I love you.
.-= Scribe´s last blog ..He was pretty in pink =-.
You’re right he probably doesn’t say fuck but I’m sure he masturbates plenty, and stores sperm by the cup full. That would explains his affiliation with Tide, DNA is tough to wash out.
.-= 3b1m´s last blog ..3B1M: @tenakim you mean there’s more than one sexy cam model getting paid out there? In this economy? How do I flip this thing on? =-.
I’ve gone months without singing the Iron Man song repetitively…thanks for bringing that back.
I don’t know dick about weiners but I can tell you for sure that the correct term is “VAGitarian”, not “VAGINatarian”. Just to set the record straight. Or not.
.-= Vikki´s last blog ..Can You Hear Me Now? =-.
Dammit, you’re foxy in that wig. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but I would totally let you molest me from the waist up right now. And I’m not even a vaginatarian.
.-= blissfully caffeinated´s last blog ..Because it’s funny, dammit. =-.
Three minutes of a cat with its head under a tap and ppl were waiting for something to happen? Hellooo? It’s a CAT. With its head under a tap.
I got all excited when I saw Kevin Bacon in this post’s title. 🙁 No Kevin Bacon.
.-= KevinBaconLover´s last blog ..It was THIS close! =-.
That kitty clearly has coliary.
.-= Poison´s last blog ..What is certain to become the next big reality show =-.
Tim Gunn should become an honorary Avenger. He and Jarvis would get along famously.
.-= William´s last blog ..Red Handed =-.
Oh, I missed all that. Perhaps because i was stuck in the bloody Lobby thing. Anyway, my urgent question is how on earth do you “lightly molest” someone?
.-= Expat Mum´s last blog ..Don’t judge me, but…… =-.
Tim Gunn is the awesome. So is the Bloggess. I’m amazed that you asked him about cloning and sperm in a cup. I want to put Tim Gunn in my pocket and take him shopping. You are one degree from Iron Man! I can be two degrees away from Tim Gunn and Iron Man!!
Also, the cat in that video had me LMAO, even though it looks like my dearly departed kitty cat. My kitty cat didn’t take showers, but he did do weird things like lick plastic bags.
.-= avonlea´s last blog ..Politically Incorrect =-.
Who the hell is Tim Gunn? I need to get out more.
.-= harmzie´s last blog ..First Day =-.
HE’S THE GUY STANDING NEXT TO THE BLOGGESS, STUPID!!!
.-= harmzie´s last blog ..First Day =-.
.-= harmzie´s last blog ..First Day =-.
I want to know how come you don’t have a Wiki site already? You have an ARMY, yet no wiki. You have an advice column, a sex column, a blog, and you managed to stop Twitter with all that Shat business but no Wiki? What’s wrong with your minions woman? They are slacking.
still can’t figure out why you’re so pissed at Kevin Bacon…
You are SO going to be tracked down for defacing the Weinie-Mobile, those people are very serious about their weinie’s.
And how the hell do people keep getting trackbacks to your posts when my trackbacks just seem to get sucked into the giant interweb blackhole of nothingness!!!!!!
.-= residuetiger´s last blog ..Girls and Directions =-.
A gay guy touched my boobs once. And then we got married and had a baby. But I didn’t know he was gay. And then I found out. And we got divorced.
I should have fucked Kevin Bacon instead.
.-= ZDub´s last blog ..A Post Where We Actually Went And Did Stuff. And Now You Have To Read About It. =-.
I puffy heart love Tim Gunn and I’m so jealous!
And someone should really take that video of the cat and dub in some music so it looks like the cat is singing. Seriously!
Ok, so I literally just found your blog, like, a week ago or whenever you posted about your hand-job GPS system, and then TWO DAYS ago I had a partial thyroidectomy and then YESterday I read this post, but I was still pretty heavily aentesthetized so it didn’t make any sense and I had to save it in my feed reader so that I could read it today, because I wasn’t sure if the bit about you meeting Tim Gunn was real.
ALL THAT TO SAY, if I ever met Tim Gunn I would probably do something stupid like fold my hands and press my index fingers to my lips and tell him in a soothing monotone that his jacket concerned me, and then I would not have these HIGH-larious photos that you have. So count lucky stars, or something.
.-= raych´s last blog ..I have a franken-neck! =-.
I was so excited because I thought you were going to start a movement to ensnare Kevin Bacon so that we could have our way with him. But then I realized you were doing the 6 degree thing. And you totally won because you are now only 1 degree away from Iron Man the comic. Which is like the spiritual side of the physical Iron Man which is RDJ. So f*ck Kevin Bacon indeed (not in that sense) when you have a chance to, cough cough, do it with RDJ (yes, in that sense). Do let us know when you get to molest RDJ. (Hold on… Need to wipe down drool on keyboard…) Pictures please!
.-= submom´s last blog ..Afraid to ask: What is the point of HCR without a public option? =-.
lol, I can’t believe you molested Tim Gunn, I’m proud! : )
.-= Lil’ Woman ´s last blog ..Retail Therapy Makes Me : ) =-.
I just found this blog and well sort of I think I stumbled across once before but was probably intimidated or something. Anyway, I just saw the Weinermobile not 20 minutes before reading this post. Can you believe that? It was actually driving so I didn’t get to touch it but I did snap a picture of it before I got pulled over for swerving all over the fucking highway. This is Karma I know.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Romper Stomper Bomper Boo =-.
First of all, WHY DO I NOT FUCKING HANG OUT WITH YOU??? WHAT HAPPENED?
OKAY, so “fucking” there, was gratuitous, but I don’t care. I mean, I don’t FUCKING care.
And second, I could’ve saved you A WHOLE LOT of trouble if I HAD been hanging out with you, because all I would’ve had to do is show Tim my hole and he would’ve followed us ANYWHERE.
Oh well, all is well that ends with a cat in a shower.
.-= Hercules Charnas´s last blog ..Back Rebellion =-.
THAT FUCKING CAT WASTED SO MUCH GOD DAMN WATER!!!
.-= Hercules Charnas´s last blog ..Back Rebellion =-.
So tim Gunn is all red in that picture, it was probably after you asked him for sperm. but think of what your children would be like, crazy with fantatic fashion sense and then you could all travel like the partridge family, but without singing, just throwing out xanax like candy and saying make it work and you would be so totally popular.
.-= mountainmomma18´s last blog ..So that’s why I have been so lazy/ or the bug has something to tell you =-.
Uh, I have my OWN photo of Tim and I and there is no tacky TIDE commercial as a backdrop! It’s not the photo you take, Jenny, it’s the ATMOSPHERE.
.-= Lin´s last blog ..Spot the Jackass (or How to Annoy Your Neighbors) =-.
This all means that if I ever meet you in person I will be one degree away from Tim Gunn, two degrees from Iron Man, and like -3 degrees from the Weinermobile. So I’m driving to your house tonight. Get the spare room ready.
.-= bejewell´s last blog ..Because of 9/11, I Made My Husband Gay on Facebook =-.
I am totally down with the conceptual thing. But I am so sadly out of it , I was immensely grateful you said who T Gunn was because I totally did not know the name. I remember Ben Gunn, but he was a character in Treasure Island. And I have never seen the weinermobile except in pictures. I am glad I found you, because I seriously need a hip transplant and not the kind folks my age usually get. And the worst part is that I secretly think I am hip (or I THOUGHT I was). This was a bittersweet visit.
.-= DavidShag´s last blog ..Come to Mama =-.
What about Kevin Bacon?
.-= Pam´s last blog ..Weekend Cat Blogging #223 – The Alliteration =-.
Well, now that I know that you were drug-free during the panel, my comment to you afterwards to consider going off of all meds and starting up a mad coke habit might really have been off-base. Makes the chick who said, “You should never tell someone to go off their medication” seem like less of a wet blanket and more of a boring person who speaks the truth.
Ever wonder if the FBI is reading your blog? Because seriously? There’s like, world domination plans taking place here, one male celebrity at a time.
.-= Zoeyjane´s last blog ..On resurfacing =-.
Tim Gunn IS Iron Man!! I recognized that panel. It’s from the new comic Models Inc. Tim Gunn was showing off the super hero costume museum and some villains wanted to rob the outfits. He wore the Iron Man costume and blasted them all with lasers etc.
.-= Seriously Sarah´s last blog ..Reservations =-.
Hahaha, all the comments for this post *almost* made me laugh more than the post. ahhahahahha!
.-= peedee´s last blog ..Silver & Blue =-.
Bloggess– I am coming out of the shadows to tell you that THE WEINERMOBILE LIVES JUST DOWN MY STREET!!! yes, it is true. I live only a quarter mile from the Oscar Mayar world headquarters. We see the weinie mobile so often my boys barely bat an eye. And? When I first moved here I worked as a temp in the Oscar Mayar offices working the switchboard and I once fielded a call from someone inquiring as to whether they could RENT THE WEINERMOBILE. Being new, I covered the phone and laughed and was all “Someone wants to RENT THE WEINERMOBILE” and the ladies in the office were all “Extension 322.”
.-= Boy Crazy´s last blog ..A little of this, a little of that…. =-.
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I blogged about you molesting Tim Gunn in my “fun” post Blogher post http://condo-blues.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-partied-with-giant-potato-at-blogher.html because I thought you were kidding when you told me about it. Then I checked your Flicker stream and found out you weren’t kidding. Now I realize that everything you write is totally true and not made up. Especially the parts when you say, “I’m not making this up.”
Think you can work your connections and let me borrow the Iron Man armor?
.-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Environmentally Friendly Flip Flop Giveaway – They Feelgoodz! =-.
I actually watched every second of that cat taking a shower, and then I clicked to watch the original one. I have no idea why I did this.
.-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Storybook Weddings: Elmo, assault, rampaging horses, and idiocy =-.
Kidnap. Don’t kidnap. Kidnap. Don’t kidnap.
Make up your mind, woman!
.-= Just Shireen´s last blog ..Here Lies…Well Not a Viking, That’s For Damn Sure =-.
Those bottom two pictures? Tim looks constipated. Just sayin’.
ONE DEGREE FROM IRON MAN?!?!? Shit, girl. I must now build a temple in your honor.
.-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..So Now I’m an Anthropologist =-.
I don’t care who you are, everyone has considered kidnapping Tim Gunn at some point.
.-= Zoey´s last blog ..The Mojo Maker =-.
What a great story! Just 1 question: who’s Tim Gunn?
.-= Drolgerg´s last blog ..Agony With Aunty Drolgerg =-.
In a note completely unrelated to your actual post, I am just commenting on the whole Fuck Kevin Bacon title. Because you see, I sorta do get to fuck Kevin Bacon on a regular (read: nightly) basis. My man is a dead ringer.
You be the judge. http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/F1BipoKAiR0TysfOUHqrCA?authkey=Gv1sRgCIf8sZaHntvFWA&feat=directlink
.-= Ms Batman´s last blog ..Color Blind =-.
I want to be your friend. But as we are already friends in my mind I guess it doesn’t really matter what you think about it.
Uh…I am TOTALLY introducing myself as a Vaginatarian now. Best. Euphemism. EVER. Deb sounds awesome.
I clicked on the cat video and watch a cat take a shower. FOR THREE MINUTES.
I don’t even like cats.
Things I do for my dearest Bloggess…