And then they asked if I’d like to interview Santa Claus. That happened.

A few days ago a PR agency asked if I’d like to do a live video interview with Santa and was like “You have obviously never read me. OF COURSE I’LL DO A LIVE, UNSCRIPTED INTERVIEW WITH SANTA CLAUS WHERE I CAN ASK HIM ANYTHING WITH NO REPERCUSSIONS” and then I felt a little bad for the company because it was pretty clear they had no idea what they were getting themselves into and I considered asking Santa all serious questions about healthcare reform and abortion rights just to see how he’d react but I don’t actually know enough about those topics to ask legitimate questions about them so instead I decided to just see if I could get Santa to say something vaguely inappropriate within the first four minutes and by minute two he was all “I. DO. NOT. watch ANYONE getting undressed, Jenny“.  And technically he was just saying that to defend himself, but still? I count that as a win.

There’s a video right here but it’s really hard to hear me so I’m just going to share my questions here:

1. When I was eight I asked you to kidnap my sister and replace her with a puppy and I got the puppy but I still have my sister. Do I need to send her to you or drop her off somewhere?

2. In an epic battle for world domination between zombies and unicorns, who would win?

3. Do you ever get mad that you have to share the spotlight with Jesus?

4. You know that song that goes “He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake”?   Are you also watching me when I’m getting undressed? Because lately I’ve been undressing under a tarp and it’s kind of uncomfortable.

5. Can you tell me about your sack? Just how big is it?

6. Do the elves mind if you call them “elves” or do you have to call them “little people?”

Overall, Santa handled it like a pro but Mrs. Claus looked a little pissed.  Probably because some strange woman was asking her husband to describe his sack.

PS. My favorite clarification from Santa: “If you’re being naughty naked, I’m not looking.”

Awesome.

I can't tell if she's clutching her pearls or pulling out a shiv. Either way, she scares me.

151 thoughts on “And then they asked if I’d like to interview Santa Claus. That happened.

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  1. Next you should interview the Macy’s Santa in San Francisco who just got FIRED for making dirty jokes to the ADULTS who sat on his lap. I’m sure the two of you would have a lot to chat about. MAKE THIS HAPPEN, PLEASE!!!

  2. Mrs. Claus is totally getting ready to shank you.
    I’m from the streets. I know that look.
    I’d watch out from now on, she might use dormant Claus powers to sneak in while you’re sleeping.

  3. Santa has known you quite a while now so I doubt you surprised him. In fact, he looks as though you were everything he expected plus a little extra.

  4. UM I AM TAKING THIS AS A LICENSE TO DO ALL MY NAUGHTY DEEDS IN THE NUDE WITHOUT FEAR OF REPERCUSSIONS FOR LIFE.

    Oh…wait, I already do all my naughty deeds in the nude as it is. *teehee*

  5. Yesterday I watched The Mentalist, and I learned that Santas are pretty racist. “If Santa is white and Christians, then what is he!?” Crazy racist Santas.

  6. I love how they were all “HA HA HA” until you brought Jesus into it. Then they got all “Whoa, now.”

  7. If I had a nickel for every time someone said their sack was miraculous…I’d have a nickel.

  8. Mrs. Claus is TOTALLY peering at Santa’s groin while he describes his bottomless sack. I’m just saying. Look at her. She’s picturing him being “naughty” while “nekkid.”

  9. Oh emmysuh, that is the best idea evah! The toys for tots program IS good. But I think that if Jesus didn’t HAVE to share the spotlight with Santa maybe it would be free loaves and fishes for tots… I’m just sayin’.

  10. I am having a crap day and that was very much needed, so thank you. I’m with you, I don’t think Mrs. Claus like you very much.

  11. I can’t WAIT to see what you get in your stocking. My first bet is that it will be that dead hobo finger you’ve been talking about.

  12. Mrs. Claus is suspicious of all women ever since she found those dirty texts from Rachel Uchitel on Santa’s iPhone, the dirty bastard. Take my advice and never give him your cell number. He thinks it’s sexy to send you a picture of his wang.

  13. I think it is pretty presumptuous of them to assume that unicorns are “good” and zombies are “evil”. I mean, I don’t think that horn is just there for decoration.

  14. So, I’m guessing you’re gonna get sent to hell, or the south pole for that. Well its nicer in the south pole. They have scientists and stuff. I think there’s only those creepy pointy eared elves in the North Pole.

  15. Hahahahaha. Kudos to Santa for remaining super professional without getting peeved. XD I like how he so smoothly changed the word ‘sack’ to ‘bag’ in his answer. Santa doesn’t miss a beat.

  16. First of all – I love your blog. It makes me laugh until I cry on a daily basis.

    Anyhoodle, I’m commenting to say that I was browsing in Powell’s bookstore last weekend (It fills a whole city block and is 5 stories high… it’s my idea of heaven) and I saw a Zombies vs. Unicorns book and immediately thought of you… have you seen this? http://www.powells.com/biblio/18-9781416989530-0

    Thanks for all the funny!

  17. After your final question Mrs. Claus started fixing her gloves. That was a blatant threat! When you fall asleep on Christmas Eve I hope you have a weapon ready ‘cos I heard she knows jujitsu.

  18. I totally agree that you should interview the Santa that got fired out east. I hear he’s working at a neighboring business to Macy’s now.
    Also, I’m disappointed that Santa didn’t have further rationale about why unicorns would win over zombies. Just because they are good? Please. Take a note from Neil Gaiman, Santa.

  19. I wonder if your sister wished for a puppy and for Santa to take you to the North Pole? Maybe you kind of cancelled each other out. Although with his enormous sack and all, I’m sure everyone would fit, including the puppy. Come to think of it, Santa never took my brother either, even though I asked every year for, like, forever. I wonder if Santa watches when you have the flu and are spewing at both ends…does he take grace under pressure into account when granting wishes? I think I drank too much coffee this morning. Oh yes.

  20. Is it just me, or does Santa look suspiciously like George W. Bush, especially there at the end.

  21. I am locked in some kind of trunk…..sending this from my phone……..I should be freaked out right now, but the smell of gingerbread and the plethora of tiny shoes is oddly comforting.

  22. You totally should also interview this Santa Claus who got fired for inappropriate comments. (I don’t even think they’re inappropriate. Here’s how off-color he got: “”When I ask the older people who sit on my lap if they’ve been good and they say, ‘Yes,’ I say, ‘Gee, that’s too bad,’ ” Toomey said Monday.”)

    I think you’d hit it off–AND he’d take your sister off your hands.

  23. I don’t think I could adore you any more than I do right at this moment. That was probably the funniest thing I have heard in a long time……. I was quite literally laughing out loud and people in my office were looking at me funny… Oops! Back to work!

  24. “He sees you when you are sleeping”, but what if you sleep naked or you just finished being naughty and doze off to sleep? He sees you!! It clearly says he sees you when you are sleeping…just saying, busted!!

  25. LMAO That was AWESOME! Santa sure was a pro. Mrs. Claus… well she is not a fan of yours and obviously needs to learn to laugh.

  26. You know, in that screenshot it kind of looks like Mrs. Claus is saying “My coke REWARDS”

    I bet it does Mrs C. And I appreciate your honesty – it must be difficult having to stay up ALL night working the Christmas shift..

    Besides, we all know about yours and Santa’s little ‘snow’ habits…

  27. I just listened to this on youtube- HA! Best thing I`ve seen all day(heck all week!) They both (especailly Mrs. Clause) looked so uncomfortable! Darn Santa for skirting around his sac size question- I wanted to know! 😉

    xo Emily

  28. I have a bag of the Coke caps that I save for my youngest who likes to get the free Cokes with the rewards. Do we go to the website and redeem the rewards from the caps for the Toys For Tots program?

  29. Jenny, thank you for this post. It was just what I needed today to get me in the Christmas spirit. So, how big is his sack? I’ve always wondered.

  30. Whose answer to the zombie vs. unicorn question was better, Santa’s or Neil Gaiman’s?

    And did Santa have to show his work? Cause I think Santa gets magic on his side so his work wound’t even have to necessarily follow the laws of physics as we know them, and he could basically answer, “Cause I said so little-girl-who’s-rapidly-inking-her-own-name-onto-the-naughty-list,” and you wouldn’t even really be able to argue or tell him his math was wrong.

    I wonder how the reindeer would answer that question?

  31. Hell yes!! Now we know that as long as we’re being naughty while we’re naked then Santa isn’t going to see it. Oh loophole, beautiful, gorgeous, amazing loophole…

    *strips naked & wreaks havoc all over town*

  32. “Anyone willing to carry his sack for all the world to see is bound to be a trooper.”

    Either that, or he’s doing some last-minute “resistance training” in preparation for his date with a TSA scanner.

    ~EdT.

  33. How do they know your sister loves you? I mean, she’s aware that you asked Santa to trade her for a puppy…I’m sure there’s some resentment built up there.

    Awesome!

  34. From the get-go Mrs. Claus looks like every disapproving mother-in-law in the universe since the dawn of time.

    Secondly, thanks for holding Santa’s feet to the fire. He’s all “Ho, ho, ho, I JUDGE YOU NOW!!” He needed to be taken down a notch, and you were just the gal to do it.

  35. So, when Santa says he doesn’t see anyone when they’re nekkid, does that mean he’s never seen Mrs. Claus nekkid? Is that why they don’t have kids? Or do they have some sort of genetic mutation that makes all their kids little people? Are the elves their children? I may be getting this all mixed up because I am a Jew.

  36. I watched the whole thing and laughed and laughed. ‘Ohhhh, sigh.” I love that you asked about an epic battle between zombies and unicorns. One of my standard interview questions has to do with unicorns and centaurs, but as you already know, that’s a trick question.

  37. Did you see that if-you-fuck-up-this-question-I-will-kick-you-in-your-velvety-soft-sack look Mrs. Claus gave Kenny Rogers, I mean Santa when you asked about sharing the spotlight with Jesus?! I was terrified for him!

  38. Wow, you sound exactly like my friend Casey, so now in my head she writes this blog. Casey, WHY THE HELL DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE GOING TO GET TO INTERVIEW SANTA CLAUS??

  39. I think Mrs. Claus must have read your blog before your interview because she was giving you the stink eye before you even started asking questions.

    And how many people are just going to be naked all day, everyday from now on since we all have the license to be as naughty as we want to be while naked? Awesome! So glad you got us the clearance!

  40. Um.. Doesn’t unicorn tears bring back the dead? One of those zombies digs their teeth into a unicorn.. And all the other unicorn and all the other’s start crying… That would totally bring the zombie’s back to life. Unicorns win. (Unless I’ve been reading too many Harry Potter or Twilight books lately… I’m not sure which book that came from. I read both at the same time and I can’t keep the plots straight enough to annoy the people in the theater while we’re watching the movies, which defeats the purpose of reading the books in the first place.)

  41. You locked your sister in a trunk? You can’t send her back now unless you still have the puppy! And now I totally fear Mrs. Claus…

  42. Santa has a miraculous, magical sack! And if I’m being naughty nekkid, he isn’t looking. I like that a lot.

  43. Sorry, Jenny, but Santa fooled you with some fancy word-play, he said “I only see you when your naughty, but if your being “naughty” naked I’m not looking” but he can see you when your behaved and naked.

  44. Hi,

    Well, it’s only remotely related to the main topic here, but…oh wait, before I get started, I just love your stuff. Sincerely, cracks me up everytime. So now, back to the zombies vs unicorns thing, it seems to me (could be wrong) that no one has so far mentionned something pretty important : unicorns have the ability to heal any disease and cure all poison. So the way I see it it gives them a HUGE advantage here, since that would prevent them from ever getting infected. I side with the unicorns.

    All the best

  45. Mrs Claus is uptight because Santa only comes once a year and that’s down the chimney (Yeah, I know it’s an old one, but then so is Mrs C).

  46. In the epic battle between zombies and unicorns, my guess is that the unicorns would win. They have a horn with which to impale zombies. Also, not being undead, they could run faster. I’d bet on the unicorns for sure. What did Santa say?

  47. Jenny, reading this blogpost just made being at the library at 9am to study for finals totally worth it. And in a fight between you and Mrs. Claus, I would bet on you. Or zombies. Bring your suspenders.

  48. First, I love how Mrs. Claus’ expression totally changes after the sack question is asked! And second…UNICORNS. And not because they are “good” as they suggest. Everyone knows unicorns are evil and badass. Sorry zombies…time to face the truth.

  49. Pandaclaws is coming to town for the Pandapocalypse. Just sayin’, in any Zombie/unicorn/panda scenario, my vote is with the panda.

    Oh, and this Mrs. Claus looks like a real beyatch. Watch your back.

  50. Mrs. Claus looks as if she is either annoyed or trying not to pass gas. Either way, she is not a happy camper. Great interview. What fun!

  51. I am truly terrified by Mrs.Clause now. Not only did she look pissed from the get go, but she clearly had no sense of humor! Great interview!

  52. Hang on, so if I am being GOOD and naked is he watching? ‘Cause I sleep naked and I’m not being naughty while I sleep. Well, at least most the time I’m not. And what about sex? Does sex count as naughty or nice? I think it’s awfully nice but Mrs. Santa looks like she hasn’t gotten any in years. So through logical deductions Santa is gettin’ his jollies off by watch some ‘nice’ amateur porn.

    Creepy ass bastard.

  53. So disturbed by the fact that Santa sounded like Dr. Phil, I could only watch up until I knew you were gonna ask about Santa’s Sack… I do not want to think Dr. Phil’s sack…. Damnit!

  54. I love the dramatic hand motions that Santa makes at the end of the video clip, despite the fact that he isn’t saying anything. Also, I think Mrs. Clause is out to get you.

  55. “If you’re being naughty naked, I’m not looking.” Bull,cough, cough, shit. I’m not buying it. Really, there have got to be perks to being Santa and something tells me, this is one of them! 😉

  56. Dear Jenny-

    Your video took over my computer and the sound won’t stop replaying. Even when I navigate away from your page. And it overlaps. It’s kind of scary…. Like you’re having a dialogue with yourself and two santas. I’m getting nervouse. And his sack is bottomless? Is that how they’ve got so many elves without an uprising?

    You’re the best,
    -jo

  57. I’m not convinced that was the real Santa because he had a southern accent…isn’t he supposed to be from the NORTH pole? I think that means that this guy may not watch people naked, but the real Santa might. Let’s keep getting dressed under tarps to be safe.

  58. You are even bigger than I ever imagined. I’m honored to be in your presence, so to speak.

    I don’t think Santa got the sack reference. It went a bit over his jolly brain. Mrs. Claus was about ready to whip a candy cane at ya, though.

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  60. LOL I lost it at ‘my sack is bottomless’. Mrs Claus probably looked sour because she hasn’t been treated out of that sack for a while now. Bahah.

    Very entertaining questions.

  61. That was so original of you to take a couple of actors trying to make some lighthearted holiday nonsense and then ask them some really crude questions. I am thinking you are about the same level as my 16 year old son who thinks it is funny to make fart jokes at the table. Good job there. You have a future…of some kind….I guess…I mean if fart jokes and silly remarks have a future in anthing other than a middle school cafeteria.

  62. WAY TO RUIN CHRISTMAS, ASSHOLE!
    Why not tell her that the tooth-fairy isn’t real and that the Easter bunny got cancer while you’re at it?

    Jenny, please ignore my father. He hasn’t been himself since they cancelled “Petticoat Junction”.

  63. Yeah Thomas your dad got upset when I told him my orgasms weren’t real. I think that’s what set off this whole “telling people things aren’t real” thing. That and the Petticoat Junction thing.

  64. This is why I heart you, Jenny. Will you be my sister wife? I’m already married but I think we should add Thomas to the family. Would he be a brother husband? Hmm…that’s sounds really creepy and illegal and doesn’t have the same ring to it as sister wife.

  65. I think we should be proud of James for taking that class they offered at the home, and for being on the internet in the first place. After a lifetime of shaking his fist at kids, and telling them to get off his lawn, and keeping their baseballs, he probably thought his days of spreading misery were over. And then he found the internet! And comments! Where he can tell hundreds of people at a time that their childhood pet did not go to live on a farm in the country, but instead just plain died, or ran away, or was hit by a car. Wait…I have to go call my mom…

  66. First Santa and then angsty vampires… apparently there is an entire school of thought where watching people sleep isn’t creepy.

  67. So, I was on my YouTube subscription page and saw Santa. I clicked without looking at who had posted the video, only vaguely paying attention (Indiana Jones is on TV). Imagine my surprise when I heard your questions and answers when I was expecting a wholesome Christmas video… LOL! I love you, Jenny. You still surprise me, after all these years…

  68. I always kind of assumed that St. Nick was a Catholic, but now I see that he and the Mrs. are Southern Baptists. I know I’ll never be a Santa now, because if you’re naughty and nekkid, I’m watching. What use are super powers if you’re going to be all noble and shit?

  69. Mrs claus….she was always snarky. “Only one candy cane you little fatties” “did you use maragarine in those cookies? You’re a failure!” She has never had anything nice to say, no wonder santa spends all his time with creepy little things building rocking horses and then slipping int.o homes through a chimney, the ice queen is exactly susie homemaker. Maybe she should eat some tinsel? Merry Chrismahannakwanzica and thanks for another years worth of entertainment in advance. Don’t let me down. 😉

  70. Awesome interview questions! Any chance of seeing a transcript of the answers? Just guessing it wasn’t captioned…

  71. Mrs. Claus clearly was an Ex-Hooker so she’s well equipped and ready with a shank to protect her turf. If I were you, I’d be very careful. Instead of Santa, you may have Mrs. Claus visiting you!

  72. Jenny, you always make me laugh! And now I want to be naked!

    I don’t get all the comments criticizing Mrs. Claus. When I watched the video, I saw her laughing a lot more than S. Claus. Except for the tension on the Jesus question, I thought her expressions were either laughter or trying to keep herself from laughing. It looked to me like she thought Jenny was hilarious but that she was fighting to stay in character.

  73. You people are F#&KING BRILLIANT. I come for the latest post but stay for the comments. Great stuff.

  74. *removes clothing*
    Yay, now I’m invisible to Santa and his naughty list!
    I’m glad at least one of the comments above me that I didn’t really bother to read had the same train of thought.

    Also, considering Santa’s partnership with Coca Cola in both sponsorship and colours, I intend to unveil (read: invent) the conspiracy of Santa using Coke to spy on us all for his naughty/nice list.

    This comment brought to you by our sponsors Sleep Deprivation, Stuffed, and OMG How Did We Make It Through Last Summer Was It This Hot I Swear It Was Worse So Why Am I Melting.

  75. I take your zombies/unicorns/pandas scenario, and I raise you with sasquatch. How can you defeat an opponent who lives all over the world, and yet, is so sneaky as to never be caught on anything better than Super 8 film? Sasquatch will rule them all, and they will not even know it.
    Plus, the possibility of a taxidermied sasquatch beguiling.

  76. Mrs. Claus was looking all ticked off and a little freaky which had me thinking… what are the chances she’s actually a zombie dressed up as Mrs. Claus and controlled by Santa’s magical bag! She seemed annoyed by the unicorn comment… and REALLY uncomfortable with the Jesus comment so it stands to reason… she’s a zombie. I have a feeling Santa won’t be coming this year…. unless he’s gathered enough elves… then it’s gonna be a shit show!

  77. Check on the sack of hickory switches, since you want enough to run a hot one in the fireplace next Christmas eve. The size of that stocking full of furnace clinkers is evident, since it was left in a Wright’s yard outside a power plant a couple of years ago. Bloggess should be calling around for someone to clean a bunch of reindeer turds off the front lawn.

  78. I told you unicorns would win!!! You can no longer deny it. Santa is definitely the expert on dealing with evil creatures of the undead…look at who’s sitting next to him!

  79. I wish I could have asked santa about his sack.

    Then I probably would’ve asked him if I could touch it.
    Because I’m just disgusting like that.

  80. I think this “Santa” moonlights as a George W. Bush impersonator during his off season…..For real, all you needed was one good laugh and a shave and I swear that could’ve been Laura pulling a shiv on you.

  81. Oh, and I also have two or three winter jackets for girls, sizes 18mos-2T, I think, and a snowsuit for 6-9mos, all in perfect condition, if anyone has a need for those!

  82. I know this is stupid…I can’t read the email because my eyes wont stop gushing…I need to thank someone named Beth…I cannot believe how blessed we are…I wanted to let her know that her gift card has made my boys sooooo happy…they can buy a game…a game they can both play together…I cannot thank you enough…I cannot seem to find any return address….perhaps it is because I can’t stop crying but I wanted the boys to be able to send a thank-you note…please, please know how happy you have made them…and once again I cannot offer anything in return but a free e-copy of a book I wrote and published myself…I do not know if it would be something you would be interested in or not but I will post a coupon code for it just incase…feel free to give it to others as well…it is all I have to give…I am forever indebited to you…may God bless you in the coming year
    Good for any E-Reader as well as online and computer reading software…
    FREE e-copy of ‘Where the Sun Sets’ @ smashwords.com…enter coupon code SY34P at checkout…Expires:January 31, 2011…Happy Holidays !!!

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