That’s why I’m not allowed to be here unsupervised.

This is the longest and most confusing post ever.  I started writing it months ago and then got distracted.  If I were you I probably wouldn’t read it.  You’ve been warned.

**********

It all started with a tweet I sent out a few months ago, linking to the blog of an antique store that was selling something fantastic and horrible…

me:  HOLY SHITSNACKS.  SOMEONE BUY THIS FOR ME:

Follow-up tweet:

 ************

Conversation with Victor on the phone (several minutes later, when I realized he’d probably read my twitter feed):

me:  Hey.  I just bought a honey-badger killing a python.

Victor: Who is this?

me:  No, seriously.  I just emailed you a picture.  The cobra-mongers said I could rent it for $100, but it’s only $300 to keep it and renting is like throwing money away.  That’s what Dave Ramsey always says.

Victor: You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?

me:  And also because I suck at returning things.  I still have VHS tapes from Blockbuster that I’ve never returned.

Victor: *sigh*

me:  This is awesome because it’s like a naked honey-badger death/Cobra match.  There is no part of that that doesn’t scream “BUY ME”.  Plus, the cobra looks so damn happy.  He’s like “HI FRIEND!” and the honey-badger is all “I WILL END YOU” and the cobra’s like “WOULD YOU LIKE A NUTTER-BUTTER?  THEY ARE DELICIOUS.”  And the honey-badger is like “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SWEATER.”

Victor:  Wtf?

me:  Oh my God, they’re totally us.  Guess which one is me?

Victor:  The cobra.

me:  EXACTLY.  I’m going to make a whole cartoon just based on honey-badger and cobra.

Victor (opening the picture):  Oh, holy shit.  Honey, seriously?  You paid money for this?  It’s not even a honey-badger.  It’s a mongoose with mange.  It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi from Kipling.

me:  Which is even better.  It’s a death-match with a moral.  How often do you buy a death-match that comes with its own story?  Almost never.

Victor:  And where are you planning on putting this monstrosity?

me:  I hadn’t thought that far ahead.  It was an impulse buy.  It’s like when you buy gum at the check-out counter.  You don’t go in for it, but you buy it.  And then the whole family appreciates it later.  This is just like gum. AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM.

Victor: I need you to stop talking now.

***********

 Two weeks later:

me:  EEEEAAAAAAHH!

Victor:  What the fuck?  What’s wrong?

me:  I JUST OPENED A PACKAGE AND THERE WAS A COBRA IN IT.

Victor:  Um, you mean the cobra you ordered?

me:  Oh holy shit, my heart is racing.  I totally forgot I bought it.

Victor:  Of course you did.

me:  Wow.  You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait.  This is probably the cobra I ordered”?

Victor:  Nope.  No one knows what that’s like.

me:  Ugh.  I hate that feeling.  I’m so freaked out now I don’t even want to open the rest of it.  They should have put a warning on the outside.

Victor:  Something like, “Here’s the cobra you ordered.  Dumb-ass”?

me:  No, because then the post office would confiscate it.  There’s a sign up at the post office that says you can’t mail fireworks or puppies.  If you can’t mail a puppy I’m pretty sure that you can’t mail cobras either.  That’s basic logic.

Victor:  “Logic” doesn’t enter into any part of this debacle.

The most unadorable nom nom picture ever.

***********

Then I waited to be less creeped out by them, but they were quickly losing their whimsy and I started to suspect they were planning to kill me in my sleep.  Plus, Ferris Mewler developed an unhealthy obsession with the mongoose.

And with the snake.

And in the end I decided to just put them both outside in the garage so they could scare away other cobras and mongeese.

It’s totally working.

PS. Look.  I made new cards for my shop:

This one is for romance.

And this one is for when your spouse thinks you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power-tools or whatever.  Unless you spent too much money on a mongoose/cobra deathmatch.  Then this card is not applicable.

 

807 thoughts on “That’s why I’m not allowed to be here unsupervised.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG, I’m laughing so hard. I want a Cobra and Mongoose battle royale.

    My life will never be complete without one.

    Well, maybe it will be but I’m not entirely sure…. I’m going to say it won’t be.

  2. I hereby declare that, from this day forward, I will endeavor to ensure that both

    A) all monologues;
    B) all bilogues (right??) with my husband

    contain 100% more mongoose/honey badger/cobra/scary-taxidermy-I-forgot-in-a-box action. Also, 50% more strangles-you-haven’t-finished-yet.

    Thank you for the inspiration.

  3. You… have once again … Singlehandedly…. Solved everything wrong in my lil world…. Im buying the card as wedding invitations

  4. My husbands always like: why do you always stalk this site? And I tell him but he doesnt believe me. Now I need to show him this….after I get over my freaked out-ness of how nasty that mole rat thing looks.

  5. What happens if you have pop rocks and soda while chewing AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM? Does your head explode?
    Win.

  6. I am so glad you write this stuff. It helps me convince my husband that I’m not really all that crazy.
    “Look honey, this chick drives her husband nuts with unique ideas too. I’m totally normal!”

  7. Am I the only person who saw the very first photo and thought this masterpiece was a lot bigger when it was in the store? But really, any size works when you’re talking cobra vs. mongoose on the awesome-scale. Congrats, Jenny, and kudos to you!

  8. I take it your daughter does not now visit the garage, me I would put it right in the middle of the coffee table especially, if I could get away with it, but if it wasn’t allowed I’d wait for the boss to go and pick up the Mum-in-Law and then I’d set it up on the dresser overlooking her bed. Am I being cruel?

  9. The “om nom nom” pic is now my background on my office computer. I hope to scare away (confuse away) co-workers so they don’t ask me to do things for them now.

  10. Hahahahahaha! This is my favourite thing ever(so far)! The cobra looks sooo happy! Does he give hugs with his mouth, too?

  11. The more I read your blog, the more I realize I got the short end of the husband stick, because I totally would be divorced within seconds of putting that in my house, no matter how badass it is. My husband just doesn’t get genius.

  12. I just linked the story to my boyfriend and he thought it was hilarious and agreed that he would kill me if I ever attempted any of this. This of course begs me to ask you the question: Would *you* rent the statue out? Also, he doesn’t realize this yet, but the romance card is the only card he is ever going to get for Valentine’s Day/Anniversaries for, like, ever. Thank you thank you thank you! <3

  13. This is the best thing I have read all week. Those pictures of your cat with mongoose and cobra (family portrait?!) are hilarious.

  14. Never thought a post about a chupacabra/cobra death-match w/amorous kitties would be the thing that got me out of my pit of doom today! Now, all I need is awesome death-match gum and I’m set.

  15. ahahah!!!! totally epic win! thanks 😀

    i agree..put them out as halloween decor. then scare the crap outta everyone..unless they read your blog. then they’ll probably just laugh 😉

  16. Jenny, I found myself at an antique store taking a picture of a marionette dummy(the creepy kind) perched next to a figururine angel. It was like a battle between good and evil and the captions were popping into my head and then it hits me…it’s you. You’ve gotten into my head and I see captions of monkeys and chickens saying crap now.
    Thank you for the cobras and the mangey mongeese.
    Sam

  17. I wondered if you’d gotten your critter battle yet.

    The fact that you scared yourself because you’d forgotten you ordered them is delightful. I hope it’s okay that I laughed until I choked because of that.

    <3

  18. I followed the whole post and totally understood it. I’m pretty sure that’s a sign of some kind of brain injury. Thank you for alerting me to that fact so I can now go spend a suitcase full of cash on doctors to repair my injury. Once again, you have done a good deed.

  19. So I have personally been in the throes of horrific brain-melting anxiety and desperately missing my little girl (http://youtu.be/8yxqRSnRMLs http://youtu.be/dyIVhRpNXtI) and paralyzing anxiety that my horrific depression is returning, which is COMPLETELY unproductive… and yeah. I think I’m cured, at least for the next few hours. Bless you, Jenny and mongoose and cobra and ESPECIALLY Mr. Mewler for drastically brightening my everything. Now if he could do my presentation for my grad school seminar, that would just be icing on the cake. Because who’s going to be mad at Ferris for not reading “Development as Freedom?” He’d just get up there and be like, “Mrow, I’m freaking adorable, bitches. Watch me cuddle with this cobra.” and everyone would forget that he was supposed to be in grad school. Plus what with the paws and all, he has a good excuse. Although I’m pretty sure he could work a kindle if he tried. So basically Ferris is just a lazy bastard. Damn you, Ferris!!!

    I think my Xanax might finally be kicking in. Thank the lord.

    I’m not sure I should be allowed to represent my nonprofit in this state. But I figure anyone who’s reading this site can handle it. A certain level of insanity is required to work at an orphanage with 30 kids under the age of five. And a LOT of xanax. Love, and moderate insanity, and a good supply of bribery candy, and xanax.

  20. I check for updates on your blog every day.

    You complete me.
    You had me at “knock, knock, motherfucker” way back when…and it keeps getting better!

  21. Again, you made me piss my pants. I write posts about whores in UGGs and booty shorts while you write awesome shit like this. Clearly, you win.

  22. As much as I loved this post, I loved Julie’s comment even more. Also, I think it is a honey badger, because everyone knows they are nasty and don’t give a shit.

  23. My favorite part of this is that you paid $300 for a garage ornament. I think it at least deserves to be out back with Beyonce don’t you?

  24. Is it wierd that my favorite part of the entire thing is that you nonchalantly refer to the plural of mongoose as mongeese.

    I’m petitioning Merriam-Webster as we speak.

  25. Bwahahaahaaaa THANK YOU so much for the much needed distraction and the much needed laugh this morning 🙂

  26. If there’s one post that “holy shitsnacks” perfectly qualifies to express WTF-ness, this is it. Please tell me you buy Victor beer. The nice beer. You know some people buy 24 cans of some stuff but you buy the single bottle with a cork for the same $$?

  27. You’re so awesome. This is really giving me a self-esteem boost about my expensive shoe splurges; I don’t think I’ve ever had a crazy shopping urge for taxidermy.

  28. I kind of knew it was coming but still the picture of the ‘animals’ in the packing peanuts caused me to FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
    Thanks.
    And I love the second card the most.
    Also, I just got finished leaving a comment somewhere else about the time my parents’ house was infested with 5 giant black snakes ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
    One reared back at me when I opened the door to the laundry closet.
    Good times.
    I am sharing all kinds of fuzzy bunny feelings all over the internet today.

  29. This felt oddly like a secretly recorded conversation involving Perez Hilton if he wrote about animals….Pescador Holiday Inn, and Jack Black.

  30. I don’t mean this in a bad “you’re fucking batshit crazy way” (though, I say that with love), but I’m surprised that Victor is still married to you.

  31. You have totally made my day. How, you ask? By buying something so completely inappropriate, then having THAT conversation with your Victor. Next time I buy something of this caliber, I will show my husband this post first and tell him what I bought is nothing compare to what Jenny purchased… So – THANK YOU for giving me that.

  32. Just be careful. Let’s remember that old adage: “Mongeese of a feather flock together.”

    I’m just saying, you might want to get a mongoose alert for the garage.

    The cobras won’t be an issue, though. Of that I’m certain.

  33. Oh yeah, and I thought I was getting in early because when I started reading this post, there were 10 comments. But by the time I had posted mine, there were 49. I am a fast reader, even when savoring the material. Girl, you are *popular*!!

  34. I keep printing out your posts, and showing them/reading them to my husband. I do this, hoping he will think that my insanity could be so much worse, and be thankful for the insanity I have, in comparison. But, it really doesn’t work. I might as well start buying death scenes with morals.

  35. at first I thought this battle of the death was like eight feet tall… photos can be deceiving… so… much… laughter…

  36. Seriously… you need to warn those of us who snort at the screen with liquid in our mouths, or have minor bladder control issues, to take care of such things before reading! OMG, that was fan-frickin-tastic!

  37. Maybe you could mount it on something above your door. Or in the entryway to scare off troublesome visitors. I cannot decide.

  38. My husband just walked in, looked at the pictures on the screen, and said, “You can’t have it.” He has no sense of whimsey.

  39. You’re kind of like a microwave oven, or the Internet itself; I can’t recall what life was like before The Bloggess. However, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t as funny. Even with The Marx Brothers.

    (of course, I’m absolutely not comparing you to the utilitarian function of a piece of kitchen hardware. That would be inappropriate and dipshitty. Just comparing the – forget it – there’s no way this comes out sounding right)

  40. I think the really freaky thing about that is that it cost $300. Your bargaining skills have obviously deteriorated since Copernicus.

  41. When I was in Kindergarten my class did that thing where you send a teddy bear and a disposable camera to whoever you know that lives farthest away, with instructions for them to take a picture at some local landmark and then do the same, until the bear travels all over and makes it way back to you. You should do that with this thing.

  42. See, now the cobra & mongoose can be vessels of happiness and Dirty Dancing-esque thoughts..

    You know what I mean.

    I do completely agree, barring the fact that they’re *sort* of creepy and could quite possibly kill you in you sleep, it was definitely a better deal to buy them.

    I still have someone else’s Blockbuster DVD of ‘Saved!’ and you know they’re not getting that back.

    And later, when you find the perfect use for them (another holiday card perhaps? You could make an entire series of holiday cards with the collection of stuffed/dead animals you have..), you’ll appreciate them and find them less creepy. Or more. It depends.

  43. Apparently I offended my husband by laughing so hard tears were rolling down my face and I couldn’t finish reading your post until I stopped laughing. What’s up with that?? He thinks there is something wrong with ME! Personally I think he’s the one with the problem.

    Thanks. Don’t stop posting such high quality stuff!

  44. The exchanges between you and Victor are better than anything on television and 95% of anything on the internet. Jeff, the Cobra, and his ability to maintain his positive and calm outlook despite having an OMFG-Mongoose in constant rage-mode is something we should all aspire to.

    If this isn’t the best remake of “The Odd Couple” ever, then I will eat my hat, ma’am.

  45. Is this one of those posts where I shouldn’t try to read all the comments before commenting myself?

    Yep. Thought so.

  46. Susan D. to “Susan”—-there were 16 comments here when I started reading. I’d planned on mentioning her doll house too, (Great Susan’s think alike) but my thought was more like having it hovering beside or behind it like a giant Godzilla-type reference. After all, I read somewhere today that the world is going to end on October 21st. Who is to say it wouldn’t be from giant Mongoose and cobra attacks? And Jenny, I’m pretty sure you should keep it closer than the garage. I have a feeling that thing might just ward off Zombies. I’m just saying………..

  47. My snake-obsessed son’s face just lit up like Christmas when he saw the pictures. He wants this. Badly. His birthday is in 10 days. But, alas, my husband would be…..unpleased. And besides, I’m sure you couldn’t part with such genius.

  48. I love that Ferris Mewler is so infatuated with them. My dog would have called me a bitched and refused to be in the same house as them. Then again, my dog has always been a little bit racist towards reptiles and mongeese with leprosy.

  49. Really, where do you find this stuff? Not that my house needs more taxidermied animals, but it definitely needs more taxidermied animals *with character.*

  50. And I meant to add: Rikki-Tikki-Tavi looked so much bigger in the store. I think you may have been ripped off.

  51. I’m laughing so hard I’m snorting. Of course now my four year old is asking what a dumb ass is. Guess I’m up for the mom of the year award now. Love your blog Jenny!

  52. That second card is totally what I need for when I finally go liberate Fernando the fancy fox from the antique store. You’d love him, he has a hand knitted scarf and hat and the most lovely smile/snarl. Although, he recently aquired a lady friend at the shop, and I’m afraid he won’t leave without her.

  53. The first picture totally makes it look like it’s a velociraptor and a giant cobra from monster movie. I have to say I was a little let down to see that it’s a *normal-sized* cobra. I was hoping there’d be some kind of Beyonce threesome thing happening.

    Still awesome though.

  54. See my husband would buy that for me. It’s not uncommon for him to bring me dead things for a romantic jester

  55. Do you have ANY idea how happy this post makes me? I don’t even know where to begin. Mongooses (geese?), cobras, kitties, packing peanuts – all the elements of a classic and compelling story.

    Nom Nom Nom!!!

  56. Just when I thought I couldn’t love you more, you post this. PS: I also love Victor.

  57. I had one of these cobra mongoose death match stuffies growing up. My dad gave it to me, I think he got it from an uncle who brought it back from India (or a flea market).

    I kept it on a shelf in my bedroom and it was awesome for elementary school show-and-tell . By the time I was in middle school it was starting to get pretty mangy and may have been interfering with my ability to meet girls. So I threw it away or donated it to Goodwill, I can’t remember. Maybe this is my long lost treasure.

  58. You need to put them in the garden and grow things around them, so that visitors are all “Look at the beautiful Daffodils OH HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THAT?”

    You may need to hang a sign somewhere though so that you’re not liable in case of heart attack.

  59. I had to read this post to my husband, so he would realize how lucky he is. Because our house is both cobra & mongoose free.

    We do have half a grizzly bear in the guest room. The half with the head on it. The other half would just be stupid. Plus, a bear staring down at the guest bed ensures you don’t have overly fussy house guests staying with you.

    And in the living room, we have an elephant’s foot. I realize other people have a lucky rabbit’s foot, but they are just so tiny, how much love could fit in there?

    My husband, even after then years of being married to me, still isn’t completely comfortable with the dead animal decorating theme, but has come to realize he should count himself lucky that none of the animals are trying to kill each other…. or us…

  60. Thank you so much for that card, you have no idea. Now I know *exactly* what to get for my husband after I buy those four pigmy goats.
    I mean, he technically said “yes”.
    Only, you know, kind of that “hahaha, you’re joking right?” kind of voice.
    No, dear husband. No I wasn’t.

  61. I can’t stop laughing. Kudos on the brilliant italics. Now I begin to understand how Victor survives in this relationship. He just waits for the other shoe (or cobra) to drop and enjoys the show.

    Not sure I’d put it out where kids could touch it, tho.

    Above the front door, in the transom, yeah, or in the front window with a blacklite on it, sure.

    And a teeny, tiny version for the haunted dollhouse would be PERFECT.

  62. Because I (like yourself) am a concerned pet owner, I took the liberty of looking up MANGE for you … as I really think Rikki has a problem. And it’s defined as “a persistent and CONTAGIOUS disease of the skin causing inflammation and itching and loss of hair. Affects domestic animals and sometimes PEOPLE.”

    Contagious, Jenny. And sometimes affects people. Get these two beasts to a vet lickety split … and, for the love of God, sequester them from your cats and many other creepy animal purchases.

  63. Ferris is going to eat them the first chance he gets, and since he loves you so he’ll leave their heads on your bed and Victor’s discovery of them will be more horrifying than the horse head scene in The Godfather and I can’t wait till you blog about that.

  64. Not much funny happened today. All I got in the mail was another letter pretending to be a check, only it was from DirectTV trying to get me to switch. I never get good shit in the mail. You’re so lucky.

  65. I may be confused but it’s from being oxygen deprived from laughing.

    And, by the way, I am going to pepper my conversation withthe expression “holy shitsnacks!” from now on.

  66. We need a contest to name them…and the winner can rent them out from you for at least $200.00 a day!They look a bit like Ren and Stimpy to me!

  67. I swear! This post made me laugh so hard! I have had a similar conversation with my husband about an impulse buy so I could TOTALLY hear the whine/defeat that was probably in Victor’s voice. Good times 😀

  68. I actually owned one of these, a million years ago. Bought it new from an Indian import shop, so less mangy initially. My cats eventually ate the cobra’s face. I salvaged some snakeskin to use in various projects (still have some somewhere) and the mongoose was a cat toy until it looked a bit like the one in the pic only with no tail or ears, at which point I believe I threw it away.

  69. I’ve had that forgetting what you purchased online when you were bored and your paypal worked at the time and then two weeks later you’re like what the fuck was I thinking and then you sell it back on ebay because it’s some other fool’s turn to buy it.

    But mine weren’t normally alive previously…

  70. MY AUNT USED TO HAVE ONE OF THESE!!!! No, I’m not even effing joking. I was fascinated and horrified by it as a young child. Are there more than one of these out there?! WHAT IF YOU OWN HER OLD THING!?

  71. I laughed so hard I cried…and that was just halfway through the post. By the time I was done, the cats were hiding and my boyfriend was giving me worried looks because he could hear my hysterical laughter through the gaming sounds over his headphones. 😀

    I’m bookmarking this entry for those days when I can’t seem to laugh at anything.

  72. Oh. good. God. The packing peanuts with peeking heads. I can’t even. It gives me anxiety to know that is in your house. WHAT IF IT COMES TO LIFE?! You know, like Toy Story, but with cobras and chupacabras.

  73. I just promised a friend of mine that when we die and go to heaven, me, her, and you are going to run around the Elysian Fields and pose the angels in compromising positions. And they’ll have to take it, because we’ll OWN them.

    So, yeah. Get ready for that.

  74. I just recently got turned onto your site and I believe this is the funniest shit I have had the pleasure of reading in a while. You are my “cig break”! Thank you!

  75. This is just full of win. I will now have to seek out an equally distressed vintage cobra vs mongoose to pull together the eclectic decor of my home.

  76. Would you REALLY have traded Copernicus for that? I mean, it’s a great piece, and all, but Copernicus is like family. Weird family who may or may not be dangerous. Right?

  77. My sides hurt from laughing at this. What makes it all the better: Looking at the cards you made, and realizing there’s a “With Love” tag on the cobra.

  78. HOLY SHIT THERE’S MORE THAN ONE OF THOSE?!?!?! You have no idea. Something just like that, but with more fur was in my great grandmother’s formal living room my entire childhood. It freaked me out like crazy. My little brother too. He wrote a song about a mongoose named Gef and put the creepy snake thing in his video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyzQ-ZFSQic

  79. Remember how you “accidentally” put Beyonce’ outside of Victor’s office window?

    I’d be real leery about blowing open a closet or pantry door too quick now.

  80. Who would win in a fight to the death…Cobra, Mongoose or Zombie? Or is it automatically zombie because they are already dead?

  81. I’m totally buying one of those cards…. That’s why I’m not allowed to shop online without supervision either! Although I have never bought a cobra…..

  82. I had to explain to my parents why I needed a new computer and I didn’t have even a fraction of the grace you had with trying to explain the ferret/python.

  83. When I first saw the pic, I thought they were people size (Rodents of Unusual Size anyone? And an anaconda?) and I couldn’t imagine where in the heck you’d put them in a house. Hey, it’s been a long day. ;D I’m liking the picture of them peeking out of the box though. How you can stand Copernicus in your house and be creeped out by them, I’m not sure. Unless they’ve joined Copernicus in the garage, then it all makes sense.

    Love you and this post.

  84. Julie- #1!! I laughed so hard at your comment I scared my cube neighbor. And how do I possibly explain why I was laughing?

  85. I reckon a really good spot for that would be the front lawn: That way, when people drive by, they’ll be like, “HOLY SHIT, A COBRA AND A MONGOOSE ARE FIGHTING TO THE DEATH OVER THERE!!”

    And then their lives will be complete 😀

  86. I laughed so hard reading this. My eyes are still tearing. This seriously sounds like something that would/could happen in my house. Thanks for making my day.

  87. Having an unreasonable fear of all things taxidermy, I have to agree with Victor with regards to the value of that particular impulse buy (for obviously different reasons since I don’t believe he’s phobic).

    So for me, that is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen, and I’m glad you’ve put it in the garage. Just don’t forget you put it there, and then later go to the garage and soil yourself. That would suck.

  88. This is one of the more awesome posts that has ever existed. It creeped me out from the first time I looked at it at the top of the post and it’s still creeping me out 8 minutes later… and will probably creep me out a year from now. Still… I’m encouraged there are still people like you around that look at that and find a thing of awesomeness. Y’all are quickly fading.

  89. Your husband should be grateful for the gift you have bestowed upon your household.

    Nom nom-ing cobras have now entered the pinterest world.

  90. “You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?”

    That may be one of Victor’s best summations ever.

    The size of the deathmatch is hard to judge in the first picture, so I could see how Victor might freak. But once seen in relation to packing peanuts or a cat, it seems like a pretty reasonable item. It is like a bookshelf size diorama.

  91. Reading this in class was a bad idea. I nearly choked to death on my laughter to keep everyone (including the teacher, who was in the middle of a demonstration/lecture) from looking at me like I was on crack.

    HILARIOUSLY worth it, though!

  92. Oh, Jenny, I worship you. You are so awesome. I love your blog. LOVE IT. That’s why I paid for a month-long sidebar ad for my publisher being for sale: the type people I’d want to work for as a writer are the type who read your blog—and GET it. (That’s not to say I won’t write for nerds. I’ll write for nerds too, as long as they can buy my publisher and keep it in business.) 🙂
    THANK YOU for making me laugh. At the end of the day, after teaching 4th graders how to write– I mean TRYING to teach 4th graders how to write– and after starting AND ending my day campaigning for somebody to buy my publisher so I can get out of publishing purgatory, I read your posts and laugh my ass off. And I thank you for that.

  93. I feel like my fear of cobras and various roadkill has held me back all these years. The good news is that my cousin is going into Taxidermy next year, so I’m planning to use it as an opportunity to get over my fear. (Apparently there are contests where you’re judged by how well you stuff the animals into various poses…like jazz hands and groin chops.)

    ps. Regarding your Blockbuster tapes, you don’t happen to have the movie “Splash” do you?
    I only ask because I recently found two copies (both from Blockbuster) stuffed in the back of my old bedroom closet.

    I can’t help but feel partially responsible for Darryl Hannah’s career downfall. Had I not been hoarding those tapes for the last 25 years, maybe she would have gotten more exposure and not ended up becoming a celebrity-turned convicted felon, arrested for protesting something about pipelines that I can’t be bothered to remember because like I said she’s a celebrity-turned- convicted felon.

  94. The first time I pointed my husband at your blog it was for you vs. Brand Link’s Jose Martinez battle. This time I pointed him to this entry. (And he said, “I’ll have to add this to my reading list.”) I will know when he has read this by the maniacal laughter and him saying “chupacabra” like that sergeant from some video game. Anyway, if you end up wanting to get rid of it, you can sell/send it to Trundle Manor.

  95. Victor needs a sign that says “oh my god how is this my life!!!!!?” and a picture of the cobra/mongoose clash beside it.

    I may need one, too. It’s been a weird year. But finding you helps make up for the rest.

  96. That’s just nasty. $300 dollars worth of nasty, so at least you got your money’s worth. I gotta side with Victor on this one. SERIOUSLY? WTF and *sigh* are waaay nicer responses than I’d get if I bought something like that. I bet your cat wants to gnaw their faces off.

  97. Once again, I’ve had to hide my head under my desk to keep everyone else in the office from hearing me laugh-snort. Of course, I usually just explain it away as a zombie apocalypse drill (lots of eye-rolls, but it’s not my fault if they all want to get eaten).

  98. *dissolves into ridiculously runny laughing poo*

    I thought you couldn’t get any better than Beyonce. I was wrong. I apologize!

  99. I can’t believe you didn’t do a romance card with Ferris Mewler and the cobra/mongoose(or naked mole rat) thing.
    Its a just screaming for…well, something.

  100. My dad brought one of those back from Thailand. It didn’t last one day; Mom told him it was fun over by a lawnmower. Wish I knew what she really did with it.

  101. I have been trying to decide who is Jennifer Grey and who is Patrick Swayze, and I just cannot choose. It’s probably like one of those short stories where not knowing is part of the point.

  102. I don’t know whether to be disturbed or to roll on the floor laughing! Hilarious and frightening all at the same time.

  103. Miss Bloggess, you make EVERYTHING IN MY WHOLE LIFE better.

    Even when you are having hardtimes or depressingtimes or everything-is-terrible-times, you are consistently the funniest writer I know about, and you do such awesome awesome things. I link you to everyone, because you are AWESOME. A friend was running around Dragon*Con with a Beyonce of her own, which made me squee in delight because of how awesome everything was.

    Basically, what I am clumsily trying to say, is that you are awesome and this post is awesome. Never stop being so rad, not that I think you could.

    ~Sor

  104. Next time I bring up my desire to own goats & chickens and my husband calls me crazy, I’m going to show him this and say, “at least the animals I want are alive! Who’s crazy now!?” (why isn’t there an interrobang punctuation mark on computers? We have the internet that allows us to follow other people’s taxidermy tales and we can’t have an interrobang?)

    ANYWAYS – that, of course, makes it sound like I think YOU’RE crazy, which I don’t. (Well, maybe a little, but in a good way!)

  105. I guess if it can be imagined, someone will already have made it.

    I’ll bet you could turn around and sell that sucker to one of us hundreds of commenters for a pretty profit. Doesn’t Victor understand that?

  106. And they sent it with a ‘with love’ tag? hahahaaaa Girl you are way too much awesomeness for one person!

  107. omg. you make me cry from laughing so hard. I used to think my husband had the weirdest wife… now I know I have a twin out there somewhere who owns more cool crap than me….

  108. Okay, I just left my husband out in the living room with my twins, one of whom just hit her head, and the other removed from the surge protector, because I told him “I had to read something.” And it was totally worth it. But I really have to get back in there now.

  109. Personally, I don’t usually swear in comments, but you are just. fucking. brilliant. Seriously. I would love to live inside your mind for just an hour to see where all of this brilliance comes from. You always make me laugh until I cry—that is a gift to all of your readers. Thank you.

  110. Excellent, Smithers.

    This can only be improved by installing very small, remote control motors in your savage lethal killer action figures, and screening this wonderful film in the background. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yvdXO9N1D4

    If any of your friends or neighbors drive a Suzuki, they will especially love this, and laugh and laugh when you stage the death match under their car’s left front wheel.

    DIARY NOTE: If you still have these critters, stored next to the Blockbuster videotape no doubt, (please tell me it’s Snakes On A Plane!), they can become an integral part of your happy neighborhood Halloween decor.

    “Yes cute trick-or-treating children, the candy is over there in the box, under the packing peanuts. Just dig in and take all you want.”

    Be sure to buy lots of wine and to charge the video camera’s batteries.

  111. I can’t believe you bought that! You should totally regift that to a friend’s baby shower. Tell them it’s good luck. I bet she’d put it right next to the crib.

  112. Rikki-tikki-tavi (sp??) was much much cuter in my imagination. Thanks for ruining a beloved childhood memory of a horrific death match, *friend*.

  113. I read this while giving my kids a bath and I couldn’t stop giggling. My 4 year old daughter asked to see what was so funny, but I couldn’t show her. It would probably have given her nightmares.

  114. Holy cow. I was already laughing way too loud at your post, then the picture of Ferris Mewler just sent me over the edge. Phew.

  115. How have I never read this blog before? This is like candy, and I am now officially addicted. A friend of mine forwarded me this posting and I about fell out of my chair and pissed my panties. I’ve read funny before, but you so bring the clever.

    Your newest (and most likely obsessed) follower,
    AmericanBridget
    http://www.americanbridget.com

  116. If I were you I’d sell tickets to your white elephant gift exchange at christmas this year. if you were freaked out think about the person who didn’t order it!

  117. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Which is not a good thing right now. Considering im on medication to try and become a baby maker and i have to drink water so im surprised i didnt piss on the couch and me. I cant stop laughing. And the card oh im so bookmarking this. I think ill be ordering that card. For when my husband things my scentsy habbit has gotten too much ( i sell the shit but im my own best customer)

    thank you for making my entire day. hot flashes and all.

  118. Yep, I think that’s one of those things that looks better in the store, like this sweater I’m wearing right now. Love the cards you’ve made with it, though. Talk about making lemonade out of cobras and mongeese. (?)

  119. Omg, I’m crying. The hilarity. Also, “This is just like gum” is my new justification for anything I buy. Awesome.

  120. The Amazing Thing is that they had a rental policy, as if it was a question they get every day. Did you ask if had already BEEN rented? Was there any damage? Was there a mileage limit? Do they have any other death-scene taxidermy for rent? Is the cost higher for holidays? I have some Xmas ideas in mind…

  121. this made me want dessert – i’m thinking something cakey not chewy – cause honey badgers are for chewy and when it turned out to be a mongoose cakey was the obvious best choice

  122. Jenny-Bloggess:
    Will you be my heterosexual life-partner? Seriously, you make me LMFAO all the time.
    <3 😉

  123. 1) I am so glad I didn’t get to see this at work. They would’ve carted me off.
    2) What worries me most about the dialogue is that I would’ve been Victor and my late hatband would’ve been you.
    3) You need to name them. You have Beyonce and Copernicus. Might I suggest Rudyard for the mongoose and Kipling for the cobra?

    Respectfully submitted…

  124. I love that whenever my husband thinks I’m being outrageously odd, I can always come to your blog and say “No, I could always be buying a mongoose/cobra statue that the cats would love” and suddenly he’s a little more appreciative of me.

  125. Oh Jenny, I do not think I can even put into words how much I love this post and you! I’ve had a migraine that started yesterday morning and won’t let go and I sooooo needed to see a new post from you!! They say laughter is the best medicine. We’ll see if it works better than Vicodin. 🙂

  126. I haven’t always agreed with what you write but now I will — because you have a mongoose and a cobra. There’s no arguing with that.

  127. I have never in my life seen anything so hideous and amazing at the same time. Although I have to admit, I’m glad it’s in your garage, and not mine.

  128. Ok,this reminds me of my former pastor who would stop the car and make his kids get out when
    they saw road kill…they would all poke it with a stick…everytime I went to church I would
    think of him poking road kill with a stick…I will probably think of cobra/whatever the shit that is everytime I see your tweets or Facebook posts…I just can not unsee that shit.

  129. HILARIOUS! Loved this! I had to read it to my husband (who after the Beyonce post became wary of me because he realized that I would totally do the same thing to him without hesitation).

  130. You are absolutely the only person I’ve ever known that could possibly make this seem like a good use of money.

    Of course if your collection of eclectic animals ever come back to life one night you’re totally fucked, but since the chances of that are slim, I say “congratulations”.

    You shoulda sent out a card like when people adopt a baby.

  131. The only thing, I can see, that is wrong in the post is that you “GASP” were willing to barter Copernicus off like some old rag. Really, Jenny. You’ve gone too far this time!

  132. Is it mongeese or mongooses. I’ll just stick with the honey badger. Also? When you first posted the photo, I thought it was as large as a coffee table…with F.Mewler for reference, it appears much smaller. However, if Ferris Mewler is a MINIATURE cat, I’m screwed.

  133. I just want to say thank you!!! Every time I read your posts I end up in tears usually curled up on the floor gasping for breath with my husband standing over me shaking his head.

    It’s the best part of my day!

  134. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

    Thank you. I needed that, I pretty sure you just prevented someone from sustaining grievous bodily harm from me. I think it was Hannibal Lecter who said it best – “the world is far more interesting with you in it.”

    I’m calling shenanigans on the Nobel committee.

  135. Oh.
    See, I thought the “GET MY LAWYER” status on twiiter was in response to the BLATANT FALSE ADVERTISING of the item for sale.
    CLEARLY these two animals were taller than the blue bookshelf that is pictured behind them. This was a battle scene of prehistoric proportions.
    I was SURE your gasp was due to the miniaturization that occurred post-purchase.
    Oh well, guess not.

  136. 1) to Feryxlim, comment 179—Have you forgotten that Love means never having to say you’re sorry?
    2) I seriously want a t-shirt with a picture of Copernicus hugging the mongoose, with “holyshitsnacks” written under their picture!
    3) Jenny, I’m surpried and a little dismayed at your willingness to part with Copernicus. But if you’re really ready to set him free, I’m thinking you should use him to make some big bucks for Christmas again. Do you remember the guy who started with a red paperclip and “traded up” until he had a house from it? Here’s a link to that story:
    http://oneredpaperclip.blogspot.com/
    The idea is only half baked on my part at this point, but Copernicus could be your ‘red paperclip’ and with your loyal following, you could probably shoot for pretty much anything as the end goal involved. Think about it….I’m sure you’re better at baking half baked ideas into whole ones! ((((Hugs))))

  137. WOMAN! Those animals are hilarious and terrifying at the same time!
    I’m moving in.
    i’ll be like a sister wife but not actually a sister wife.
    I’ll clean though, so there’s that.

  138. I can’t even begin to tell you how amazing I found this. I want an entire comic book about these two. They are crying out for back story and characterization. I feel like the mongoose was probably put in charge of his father’s small sandwich shop but due to the circumstances of the economy he had to close it down when the cobra opened a Subway franchise down the street.

  139. I’m laughing uncontrollably, but I’m a little disappointed because in the original picture I thought it was like 20 feet high and I thought you could ride it. I was picturing it dominating a two-story foyer and of course delighting trick or treaters.

  140. I laughed until I nearly cried and had to be quiet because my friend is on the phone with her mom…. I’m so buying several of those cards (comparison) so that when I spend like another $200 on fabric my husband doesn’t choke me for it. It really makes him mad when I spend that much to only make a garment or two. Also, you’re the best. <3

  141. My day no longer sucks. Thanks Jenny!
    (PS My uncle had one of these when I was a kid. He always said to never touch the snakes fangs in case there was crystallized venom. You might want to let Ferris Mewler know.)

  142. Uh oh! Did someone give you keys to their car and let you run loose in Cuero?!?! That’s seriously the only town I can imagine that would have such a lovely rendition of the chupacabra vs python. That’s the only town I would totally avoid if I were you. Seriously, the antiques are great there but the popo’s, well, they’re a fable all by themselves!

  143. I am printing this post, putting it on the fridge and going on a obscure vinyl record buying spree which may or may not exceed $298US … when The Man complains I’m going to “mongoose/cobra” and all will be forgiven. (Until I start playing the records.)

    Also, use the same excuse when I go Doc Martteen shopping. (Mid-life crisis. He’s lucky I don’t buy a 20 year old … unfortunately, I still remember sleeping with said 20 year olds.)

  144. True story: when I was 10, I went to Thailand with my parents and these stuffed mongoose/cobra battle-scenes were *everywhere* in all the best tourist shops and I was *fascinated* with them, and even at 10 I was sure I would never see anything more amazing in my entire life and I wanted one more than anything ever (before or since), but didn’t dare ask because I was pretty sure my parents would just leave me in Thailand (they were cool enough to take me to Thailand, but have limits).

    That they’ve found the most appropriate home in the entire world makes me so happy! Thank you.

  145. The “Honey look what I didn’t buy” card needs a mate or two A Beyonce or possibly a stack of towels. We have a fruit stand near us that sell the 5 ft tall metal chickens and I keep threatening to buy one.

    But we just celebrated 10 years so I have to wait a little while longer. Which make me wonder if they have a lay away plan? I guess I could just get it now and store it at my parents. They have been married 56 years now so they should have a metal Flamingo, right? Oh they sell those too. Want one?

  146. This post made me furiously happy! I was having a bummer of a day and now I feel so much better.

    As always, your blog has given my day meaning. Thank you.

  147. I know where you purchasedthat beauty. They have a squirel band but want 1300 buks for it! Ouch!

  148. If you love the mongoose/cobra death match from Dolly Python, you HAVE to visit DeRidder Antiques in Forney. They have some of the strangest/creepiest things I’ve ever seen. I’m not affiliated with them in any way, just sort of fascinated. Can’t go there too often or I have nightmares. Here’s an example … http://www.deridderantiques.com/holiday02.html

  149. Is it completely effed up that I covet your and victor’s relationship? My and my husband’s relationship is just so normal. No metal chickens, mounted warthog heads or conversations about our navigation system. (which is still to this day my all time favorite post of yours or anyone’s.

  150. This is so great. In fact, it would be great even without the reminder of when you bought the giant metal rooster, but the cobra-rat tableau vivant after the metal rooser is totally awesome!

  151. As I was reading this, I had to keep scrolling back up to that first photo because my mind refused to hold onto the image for longer than 14 or 15 seconds and I had to keep double checking to make sure that I had, in fact, seen the statue correctly.

  152. I was going to comment, but then I had to go change my clothes cuz I wet myself I was laughing so hard! You are my hero!

  153. I’ve heard of rent-a-friend in Japan but this rent-a-dead-animal could take off too.

    Soon after poochy the poodle gets run over by the lawnmower…
    Maam, can I rent your shredded poodle? I promise to return him in the same state.

  154. The I-just-bought-shoes/Beyonce/towels card is like the best self-fulfilling prophecy EVAH. I will most definitely buy this card. Then, because I forget mail exists, my fiance will undoubtedly be the one to pick it up and open it. And then he’ll be all, “WTF why did you spend money on this?” and I’ll be all, “So I could give it to you RIGHT NOW to show you that I did NOT spend money on a taxidermied honey badger/cobra death match combo. Aren’t I the best ever? Appreciate me, dammit.” I won’t even have to wait until I buy something bad … It’s perfect!

  155. OH that is awesome! LOL Thanks for the laugh. I need more humor in my day. 😀 Wheels are turning on ways to freak my kids out like that..hehehehe

  156. The romance card is beautiful. But, since I work in the legal field…the cat harassment photo would probably come in handy more often in my daily life.

    I’m really glad this…um…art is keeping all the other cobras and mongeese out of your garage. That alone is worth the purchase price.

  157. I woke my wife up laughing too hard in the bed over a dead cobra… yeah, “dead cobra” “the bed” and “woke my wife” IS what I said, can we just ignore the “laughing”?

  158. I feel totally validated that my impulse shopping is not as bad as this. I feel like I have won! Thanks for this self-esteem boost 😀

  159. Holy crap, that thing is horrible. I hate snakes, but overcame my phobia to read the entire post.
    All I can say is.. you have a true gem in Victor. He understands the Best Kind of Fucked Up.

  160. For the record, I thought the cobra/mongoose was like, person sized, and thought you were buying something to go along with the giant chicken. It’s terrifying, and thank you for making my entire week with this post. 🙂

  161. The best part about this is that I am absolutely completed TERRIFIED of snakes, and yet I couldn’t NOT read it. Hilarious, as always.

  162. That’s really nice ceramic floor tile you have. Did you get it at – HOLY SHIT, IS THAT A MONGOOSE AND A COBRA LOCKED IN MORTAL COMBAT? I totally did not see that at first. Wow.

  163. I just had a though….you and Victor are todays version of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnas only much more off the wall and scarier. You really need to start talking to a producer.

  164. Dear God,
    Thank you for putting Jenny on this earth to share her life and stories with us. After an evening of dealing with a 16 year old boy on his man period who’s pissed because he’s not allowed to hang out in his room with his girlfriend anymore because we know they’ve started doing the deed. I. Needed. This.

    Hearts,
    Anna
    P.S…. I’m going to start purchasing random objects that annoy everyone in my house but me… don’t judge.

  165. I have an actual snake phobia which means even looking at pictures of snakes practically gives me a panic attack and I still managed to read through this whole post but now I’m convinced THERE IS A SNAKE UNDER MY DESK. Thanks a lot, Jenny. Also I just had to type the word ‘snake’ like four times and even THAT is enough to give me the heebie jeebies.

  166. The thing that upsets me the most is how many of your readers have seen one just like it. This should not have been made once, much less multiple times.

  167. I totally think you should improve the mongoose with that Martha Stewart glitter they sell at Micheal’s. In day of the dead designs. Maybe Martha would love it so much, she would have you on her show! Or, maybe she’d call the cops because you sent her a threatening card with dead stuff on it, but I try to keep a positive attitude.

  168. I think your cobra honey-badger death match decor would make a fine centerpiece on your table for Thanksgiving this year. Or any day, really. The honey-badger could even be used for a candle holder in a pinch. Thanks for the laugh!

  169. OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!!!! I about wet myself reading this! Clearly we were meant to be BFFs, but we just haven’t met. You are freakin’ awesome!

  170. My cat would totally do the exact same thing. He has to rub his face all over EVERYTHING, and even gets amorous with my frickin’ Waterpik irrigator tip (WTF, cat???). As a matter of fact, he and Ferris even almost look alike, except for the extra toe -thingy. However, my cat won’t ever get a chance to get amorous with a taxidermied cobra and mongoose/honeybadger, cuz I’m not really into dead animals. However, I’m glad that you are – I laughed so hard at this post I cried!

  171. Your cards are amazing! Can you make some Copernicus Christmas Cards? That would be kick ass!

  172. You could totally make a birthday card out of this.

    Cobra: She is too older than dirt!

    Mongoose: Bitch PLEASE! I will rip your throat out if you talk about my old ass friend like that again! Don’t worry (Insert name of friend here) I got your back!

    And scene.
    (I hope I used the right “too” in there because spelling and grammar are going to really be a stand out feature on this particular card.

    Lori

  173. Okay, I totally don’t get Victor. He draws the line at hand towels, but he only *slightly* mocks the rent vs. buy honey badger/cobra death match argument?
    You, Jenny, are hilarious. Victor, seriously, is almost cooler than @wilw. Almost. Well, no, maybe more. Not sure, but the point is, I’m a bit frightened that of the two of you, I can say that you are consistent and Victor, not so much.

  174. This makes me miss my husband (who died in July 2010) so much, because he would TOTALLY get this – and further, he’d point out that mongeese are related to meerkats, and pull out his PDA to show you some pictures he took of baby meerkats, and then suggest that we could set up a mini-version of this with a baby meerkat battling an earthworm, and possibly find someone online who could do a perfect Lego version of it too. That’s what he would do if he could read this post, and I miss him so much, because there is no one else out there as crazy as he was.

  175. OMG — you made me laugh & cry again! What if your cobra/mongoose death match made house calls like Beyonce? Finding that on my front porch would really give me perspective.

  176. For someone who claims to be afraid of zombies, you collect a lot of scary weird-ass dead critters that are now in close proximity to your vital organs when that time (aka apocalypse) comes. Just sayin’ Chances of survival likely higher the less potentially “undead” creatures with whom surround yourself.

  177. Funniest post ever *and* you quote Pam from Archer: “holy shitsnacks”…love that show! And Nutter Butters…they really are delicious…

  178. I just stumbled on your blog and I have never laughed so hard! You are crazy and I love you! I am a fan forever!

  179. This post is hysterical but I want that ginormous monkey made of flip flops that Dingo posted a link to!

  180. Today’s was especially hilarious. Probably it’s because I like complicated story lines. Or because you are a comedic genius. Yeah. Yeah, we’ll go with that second one 😉

  181. SCORE!
    Now, instead of being stuck reading about Amish-on-Amish crime, we’ve got Mongoose-on-Cobra crime (with Ferris Mewler refereeing). That, my friends, is called genius, and it’s spelled B-L-O-G-G-E-S-S!

  182. Oh. My. God. I used to HAVE one of those. My Pakistani neighbor gave it to me. My first husband hated it and made me throw it out. I had no idea how much it was worth. HE THREW OUT THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS WORTH OF STUFFED COBRA/MONGOOSE WIN.

    There are many reasons why I replaced him with New! Improved! husband. This is now one of them.

  183. Jenny, please keep writing! thank you for the absolute laughter and awesomeness you bring to my day. <3

  184. *sigh* Rikki-Tikki-Tavi —- What can I say Victor, you plucked a memory chord. I wish we could all be so RANDOM!! Then again, I don’t. If we were all so random, this would not be as stellar as it is :o)

  185. Ferris Mewler is like the Pepe Le Pew of dead things. I cannot take all the credit for remembering Pepe Le Pew and his amorous ways, I was recently reminded by another blog reader, who knows how to work an accent agiu.

  186. That is horrifically awesome! I like the postcard that says, “Get my lawyer!” I was laughing and snorting out loud. Again. At midnight, when everyone else WAS asleep. I guess my laughter was rather loud. It’s ALL YOUR FAULT, Jenny! Don’t worry, I love you anyways. HUGS!

  187. I can understand this. When my youngest brother got married, my mother and I found a truly disgusting, poorly-taxidermied iguana in a shop in Ensenada and bought it for him as a wedding gift. And shipped it to Australia, where the wedding was being held. I’m told that he loved it, but his fiancee, not so much. And, oddly enough (or maybe not) somewhere I have a snapshot of my cat Major Barbara having much the same kind of encounter with the iguana as Ferris Mewler had with your mongoose. This all happened about fifteen years ago, so you can tell Victor that there is a precedent for this kind of thing. Sort of.

  188. OK, I’m reduced to making squeaky/wheezy noises at my desk from trying to keep from laughing too loudly at work. Thank you for this. And I’m afraid I would have been right there with Victor going “Wtf?” in trying to keep up with your conversation. 🙂 (Although in fairness, the mongoose really does need a sweater…)

  189. I love this part, it’s a classic:

    “Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?”

    happens to me all the time. also, is your brain for rent? I promise to return it (unlike your block buster movies), I just find it very amusing. and I have no cats. that has to get me a discount

  190. Oh Jenny…I do truly love you!!

    “me: Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?”

    –I totally pissed myself right there….

    The cards are absolute genius!!! I am putting a couple of the “at least I didn’t buy this” cards in my cart right.now. I did a little retail therapy today and they might just do the trick 🙂

    You’re the best!
    Sherry

  191. This is absolutely hilarious. Apparently you and I are exact opposites, because I found the thing creepy until Ferris Mewler got involved, at which point it became adorable (except for the blood apparently dripping from the mongoose’s mouth, but with a sufficiently cute cat in the picture, I can kind of ignore that).

    We definitely agree on one thing, though: renting this would have been a terrible investment.

  192. Your experience is, as yet, incomplete! You need some guy mansplaining in the comments as to why you’re a terrible wife, and then some well-meaning ninny to explain to you why you need to donate an additional $300 to charity to balance out your karma. This is the internet, after all.

    You also need a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty version of this for your Haunted Doll House! That would be so cool!

  193. Best cards ever!! I’m getting the one for when you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power tools – but am using it to potentially win an argument that’s been going on for three years about whether I do or do not need a chainsaw – I say the important part of getting a chainsaw is the fact that you never know when you’re going to need it, therefore buying early is important – my fiance’ says I am an insurance claim waiting to happen…thanks to cobra/honey badger death match though, I may win this one!! Do they make cordless chainsaws?

  194. Oh my god! My mum has one almost identical to this!!! I thought she was the only one in the world!! She totally thinks it’s awesome and is really proud of it. She displays it right near the front door on a table. Not sure how it got to Australia as we don’t have cobras or mongoose….
    Personally I’m not a fan, but I respect your right to own stuffed animals in a death match.
    Victor needs to loosen up a bit. I mean, he’s awesome for enduring through giant metal chickens and such, but he needs to get in the spirit of things. Yeah, the ‘I just bought a cobra and mongoose in a death match’ spirit.

  195. The person who came up with the idea of sending this beautiful piece around …is totally a genius. We should do it. Start by sending it with money for the next person to ship it, then they ship it with the money in there for the next person and photos get posted on a Flickr page with each stop. We’d need a list of people who get it next so it stays on track but… come on. Don’t let something so…so…beautiful… sit all abandoned in your garage! That thing deserves to see the WORLD!

  196. You should make the second card with another inside saying:
    Guess what I didn’t buy today!
    TOWELS!!
    I love reading your blog! I never know what I’m going to find and that is PHENOMENAL!! If you didn’t live so far away I would stalk you!! Not really, cause in TX there are most likely snakes in the bushes that I’d be hiding in… and I don’t have a rabid mongoose/honeybadger to fight them off!!!

  197. I’m inspired to purchase something as flagrantly fucked up as this for my husband four our anniversary. Year two is taxidermy, right? Also, I think they need names.

  198. I remember when you first tweeted about this, the funny thing is when I first saw the cobra and mongoose I totally recognized it!! well, not the mange bit. My in-laws have the same thing (but the mongoose has hair) in their house. I wonder if the are long lost twins. I will have to take a photo the next time I am over at the in-laws. It could be the long lost Japanese relatives of the mongoose and cobra, separated at birth/death and halfway around the world. Do ask them if they know of any missing relatives next time you are out in your garage.

  199. My boyfriend and I love your blog. He read this and laughed so hard he started to cry and stopped making noise. He had the same reaction to the story about Beyonce. I find this to be a very good sign, because if we get married, we’ll probably have a lot of conversations similar to the ones you have with victor. I forsee a giant metal chicken in our future. Or a monkey like Copernicus.

  200. You’ve totally made sense out of my wanting to order a simple disco ball with colored lighting for my living room. My husband should definitely think me sane after I show him what Victor has to put up with. LOVE LOVE LOVE your stuff.

  201. I think you should put these two, Beyonce with her flying pig friend and Copernius on display in the garage or the back yard and then charge admission. Then you could buy more disturbing friends for the menageire and claim the purchases as business expenses. Could it get any better?

  202. BWAAAAAHAAAHAAA!!!! This may be the hardest I’ve ever laughed by myself in a room! I <3 you so much oh divine Bloggess!

  203. Hey Jenny,

    I should start by saying that i am a real fan of your blog. Today’s post is hilar – OMG i laughed so hard when i read it that i spat some of my lunch on my keyboard. My lunch today was leftover curry that smelled dubious – i’m hoping that this smell will linger in my office long enough to dissuade my boss from coming to chat to me/give me more work.

    Stinky lunches aside, i found the best taxidermied piglet on that website and just conned my poor long- suffering boyfriend into buying it for me for my birthday. I’m going to call him Boris. I conned my partner into purchasing Boris on the understanding that i won’t put him in any common area of our home – little does he know that i think that Boris will be a nice addition to my office (as he will probably enjoy the smell of curry and scare my boss enough that he will never come into my office again).

    Anyway – the curry smell and the piglet and the consequently happy work space that i now have (and will have once i receive boris the piglet) are all thanks to you 🙂

  204. If I had access to such awesomeness depicted in the titanic struggle between mange and scale, and that awesomeness was for sale there would have been a surreptitious, furtive reach toward my wallet, then a determined flourish of credit card…

    My wife hates me at times… like the time I wen’t looking for a new laptop-mouse and returned with a lump of no fire clay and a set of clay sculpting tools.

    The clay is still in the fridge – we don’t talk about it anymore…

  205. Okay, so when I read this post I died of laughter. I almost couldn’t read it. Me and my husband are a lot like you and Victor, except that I live in a one bedroom apartment and therefore don’t have the room for taxidermied animals. So I immediately had to go find you some more.

    First, there is this museum that you just have to get Victor to go to!

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/picturegalleries/howaboutthat/8059876/Walter-Potters-Museum-of-Curiosities-bizarre-Victorian-collection-of-stuffed-animals-goes-on-show-again.html?image=4

    And second, you must visit this store. This line explains it all: And if you should ever find yourself in New York City, be sure to stop by and say hello to those fun folks who make Obscura Antiques and Oddities so very weird and wacky. Whether you’re shopping for a new skull to add to your collection, a stuffed cryptid, or you desperately need a vampire killing kit, Obscura has just that morbid little piece. A nightmare to some; a dream come true for others, but one thing is for certain… Obscura Antiques and Oddities “ain’t your grandma’s antique shop.”

    http://www.theexpressionist.com/2011/05/15/obscura-antiques-and-oddities-the-little-shop-of-horrors/

    But seriously, this taxidermy stuff is funny. This is my favorite:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/prettydaisies/2844312518/

  206. I’m pretty sure if I were to stay just one night in your house I would suffer from recurrent nightmares that will haunt me a lifetime. The sheer idea of opening a package and seeing those two faces popping out? Dude I would have had a priest round to exorcise the whole box immediately.

    Also, I kind of feel sorry for Ferris Mewler. He’s got a tough choice of love ahead of him, it’s the age old story

    Cat meets dead badger
    Cat violates dead badger
    Cat meets dead cobra
    Cat violates dead cobra too
    Cat must choose between which dead species to spend the rest of his misunderstood, pretty much illegal life with.

  207. This blog almost got me sacked. I foolishly opened it in work [I just cant resist you, i try but i cant] and snorted coffee over my desc in front of my supervisor. Questions were asked, weapons were brandished, police were called…. can i come stay in your garage for a while until it all calms down a bit?

  208. I found this really funny and love your writing but Victor is a saint. This is really funny from an outsider looking in but if I were the supervisor I would lose the few hairs I still have on my head.

  209. OMG do you know how far down I had to scroll, hysterical and the only thing I can think of is my friend Kate who ordered 12″ salt and pepper penis’s and had to go and collect them from the Post Office because the packaging had broken…..

  210. Just when I thought that Copernicus and ”knock knock motherfucker” metal chicken were brilliant you bring out another winner… AND I live in South Africa so I’m totally loving this vibe! Classic.

  211. You know how cats bring their people dead animals to show their love? I think Ferris Mewler believes you brought him the cobra/mongoose death scene to show your love. It would be a sin to hide that in the garage. Surely Ferris Mewler would like to have it around to curl up with at night.

    Also, just curious, did Victor know what he was getting into when he married you? Cause he seems infintely patient. My husband would have checked me into the funny farm by now if I brought home your amazing finds. As it is I, as it seems many others, hold you up as a comparison for him to see that really he has it good, cause my crazy barely lets me leave the house and hoard money so much that every trip to the grocery store causes a panic attack.

    Finally, I love you. Really. You make me feel so much better about my own crazy.

  212. I love you! The picture of your cat trying to make out with Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and the cobra just made my day and it’s only 8:22 am. Score!

    When are you publishing a book? Beacuse I would buy a book – and it wouldn’t just sit there and decorate my bookshelf…I would read the whole thing.

    AND I would love to buy your cards from your shop and give them out. I totally get why they’re funny, but people I know don’t understand my humor and they wouldn’t think your cards are funny (sorry – it’s unfortunate), they’d just think I’m weird for giving them a card with a cobra on it. I made my friend a birthday card and on the inside there were pop-up pictures of me in a cat costume when I was 6 and a picture of my husband when he had a mullet (which he had from the age of birth until 13 – I like to try and forget that part. Oh, and there were racing stripes, too). So anyway, my friend thought it was cute and understood that, IN CASE he suddenly stopped being able to read, he would know who the card was from because of the pictures. His wife though, she was all, “Why are there pictures? I don’t get it. Who IS that?” And then I realized that I could never give your cards out to my friends.

  213. *the scene is a Victorian living room, replete with lacy curtains and ornate pink-velvet tufted setees*

    Wife: Honey, you know I think that Victrola in the corner needs…something…I’m not sure what…to complete the vignette.

    Husband: Perhaps a crystal vase with some fresh-cut red roses would please my love?

    Wife: (frowning) No, no, no…that will never do. I was thinking perhaps a cobra and mongoose in a struggle to the death.

    And so this lovely work of art was born and years later when the family was holding an estate sale to make enough money to buy that new RV they wanted Manny the Mongoose and Coraline the Cobra ended up in an antique shop. Who knew they’d eventually gain Internet fame when a crazed blogger would spot them and fall in love?

    This, this is why I never get rid of anything anymore. Ever…and they call it “hoarding”…pssshhh..

  214. When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that I would be privy to a cobra-mongoose-cat threesome today. But isn’t that the beautiful thing about life? You just never know where it might lead.

  215. Well, no it’s obvious that you NEED to display the statue in a very public place and when Victor says something like “Can’t you hide that thing somewhere?!” you can say, “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” Then, Victor will be all, “What baby?” And you’d go “Surprise!??”

    This could be sheer epic-ness. Fur real.

  216. Apparently screaming at your co-workers “YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THE LATEST” is frowned upon in this establishment…

  217. Oh Gods… the noises I made reading this. I think my roommates thought I was having a fit or something.

    I’m not sure if I want to marry someone like Victor in future, or someone like you. Either way we’ll never be bored.

  218. This is just too good and too bizarre. I can’t believe you actually bought the thing. Plus, in the first picture at the shop, the duo look about 8 feet tall. I thought it was a giant cobra fighting a dinosaur. I think my dogs would have ripped them up and the cat would run screaming.

  219. Swear to the heavens, my in-laws have one of these. It sits on the mantle. NO F”ING LIE, YO!

  220. As one of the newly converted devotees of your blog — although BEFORE the Jose Death Match — I must say, I friggin love you. I am also disconcerted by those members of my immediate circle who don’t get it. What’s THAT about??? Reading your blogs, and the brilliant comments, I have come to understand that A) I am putting my gainful employment at risk and B) ** I Have Found My People!! ** Where ARE y’all?? When’s the Reunion? We could wear matching “Please Stand By For a Demonstration of Relevancy” shirts!! Yes!! Yes!!