UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.

Proof:

He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.
The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."
Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.

Obviously.

UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,595 thoughts on “UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. In the spirit of picking a name after a singer I kindof like and kindof want to throw off a cliff… I would name the chicken Xtina

  2. Crap, this is too funny. I think I about peed my pants sitting here in ice frozen NE Iowa..

    Name the chicken…
    Jay-Z…

    Can I get a what what
    To these chickens from all of my doves
    Who don’t love those, they get no dough..

    can I get a woop woop

    good GOD i love Jay-Z…

  3. My friend NEEDS this. This, this chicken? This is his dream. I can’t assure you of what he would name this delightful creature – possibly Solange? However, I think I would name him Grover . . . or Cleveland . . . GROVER CLEVELAND.
    Because that is the best name any of our Presidents have ever had.
    Or maybe I’d just name him Grodsters.
    Either way, don’t you wanna make a young man’s simple, heartfelt dreams come true? To own a metal chicken, he can place in his home and tell others made up tall tales about for years to come?
    Help a boy’s dreams come true. Send me (or my friend) this chicken.
    You won’t regret it.

  4. Um… Sir Henry Slicealot obvi. 🙂 I feel like I must win this rooster too as I was at a flea market and found a taxidermied hen with a bonnet on and had the same conversation with my husband about my need for a hen with a bonnet, except I lost. So Sir Henry would be lovely payback.

  5. well, i’m pretty sure this would kickstart my own metal chicken hoarding habit. but i think Attila the Hen would be very happy here, with or without a flock of his own.

  6. James K. Polk – after James Knox Polk, 11th president of the United States – who, from pictures, looks like he could peck the living bejeezus out of whatever needed peckin’. His family lived in the Duck river area – and he died of cholera, probably from drinking too much choca-chola – allegedly.

  7. I would name her Margaret for my parents pushy best friend who has made us play 12000 rounds of chicken and sends us chicken themed items all the time, including a chicken shaped pancake mold and an obnoxious ear splitting plastic chicken in a car she presented to my infant twins as a baby gift. I would put Margaret on my front porch on the post opposite my three little piggies, Hector, Vector and Maude and let Margaret guard my house from Lucy, the neighborhood cat. The real life Margaret would scare the shit out of Lucy and I have a feeling that Margaret would make a good scare-chicken.

  8. Oh I sooooo need a metal chicken! I see Barbu de Grubbe in my future…and my husband would get the towel comment immediately!

  9. I would name him RuPaul, because Beyonce got nuthin’ on him BITCHES!
    Love your blog!

  10. A suggestion from my husband: ‘You could name him Beyonce Little, because if you started down the blogess road of collecting it would be worse than the sky falling.’

  11. I would name the chicken Chester Molester. Not because he is a molester, but because it rhymes. Plus there was a Chets chicken shack in Minnesota where we would go eat when I was little and it was hilarious.

    Maybe you should ask the maker of the apartment sized chicken if he/she does internet orders or phone orders. Bet he could sell a bunch of them….

  12. Jenny, please, please, please pick me. Please. I already have an oil drum gekko AND an oil drum Christmas tree ornament. My collection will never be complete without this apartment-sized Beyonce. Please!!! P.S. I also have the gift of towel hoarding which is how I became aware of your blog. Just saying. (smiling, while one one knee begging)

  13. One of my coworkers and I just bought a Beyonce for another coworker’s birthday. It was pure delight seeing the excitement on her face when she saw it…and it made me a little jealous that I didn’t have one for myself. 🙂 And if I did, I’d name it Mister Britches. Because that’s totally irrelevant…and perfectly acceptable.

  14. Conversation between my husband and I
    me: I want that like really bad
    him: what the hell would you do with a giant metal chicken?
    me: its not giant its kitty sized and Id put him over there (points vaguely at a corner)
    him: you suck at coming up with a use for him. We arent buying that
    me: I just need to pick a good name and hes free
    him: you just need to pick a good use for him or you cant name him
    me: how about Kelly Rowland? the shorter destiny’s child?
    him: yeah but what would you do with him?
    me: ooooh I know he would protect our balcony from pigeons!
    him: there arent any pigeons in toronto, you could use him to sell your jewelry
    me: thats genius!
    him: (sigh) why am I helping you?
    me: because you love me duh
    He left the room after that, but I was also thinking I could use to cut people I dont like. Ill just carry him around Toronto, oooh Ill get him something with wheels so I can roll him around and people can pet him, and if I dont like them he will cut them and they will have to get a tetanus shot. Ill send pics from Toronto so Beyonce wont miss her friend while she pursues her solo career 😀 would you ship to Toronto?

  15. His name is obvs Guano. Yes, I know that is bat shit, but roosters (which he is because he’s a dude) have wings too and even though he can’t fly very far bats and roosters have to be somehow related. Plus Guano is a BADASS name.

  16. Once I received it, I will decide if it’s a girl or boy. If it’s a girl, her name will be Lucille Austero. If it’s a boy, Bingo Bob.

  17. I’d probably name him Aristotle. Then he could sit on my desk and be friends with Galileo, my camera, and Newton, my laptop. They would have philosophical, vaguely heretical conversations.

  18. I freaking love that you found a mini chic! Quick story … My two friends and I are obsessed with your blog and particularly beyonces! We even bought one for our friends bday in October! It was a mini chic as well and we wrapped her up in a box, went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant! Our friend opened the box to reveal a “knock knock motherfucker” sign and burst into hysterics. The chicken stayed perched on the table the rest of the evening everyone else at the table (15 other people) thought that the three of us were out of our gourds because we were crying bc we were laughing so hard! We would love an original beyonce from you, as it is another friends birthday iin our trio of beyonce lovers this Thursday!
    He should be named Jay-Z. ( my husband wanted to get a metal seagull and name him Jay-z inspired by your beyonce!)

  19. Love you, love your show. Long time reader, first time commenter…and obviously Cock a Cola is the correct name for this metal rooster friend. Cheers to you and yours!

  20. Sylvester McChicken McBean. Like Sylvester McMONKEY McBean from Dr. Seuss, but better. Because he’s not a monkey. And looks like a Sylvester. And I bet he will terrify the dog.

  21. My sister and I decided that I need a metal chicken since I have recently move to California from Texas, and I need somethings to irritate my husband 🙂 My sister said that she think’s Blue Cock, but I personally like Colonel Sanders 🙂

  22. That rooster is struttin’ his southern stuff – I would name him Colonel Sanders.

  23. There are already almost 1300 comments so this name may have already been chosen, but I’d name him Westley so I’d have another reason to say, “As you wish.”

    Also, I would love to have this because I’ve been telling all my friends that read your blog that I’m looking for a giant metal chicken for each and every one of them. If you sent me this one, I would share it with them and it would become a traveling chicken kinda of like a traveling red dress.

  24. Reginald Poppycock Feathers the 3rd…. not that there has been a 1st or 2nd…. he’s just pretentious like that.

  25. Oh my God- “Not Towels”. That is awesome.

    I REALLY want to win this because both my sister and I read your site, so if I left it on her doorstep with the “Knock knock” note, she would totally get it(although it might be just as awesome to do that for a random person).

    And I’d name it Samuel. For Samuel L. Jackson. Because I’m pretty sure “Knock knock Motherf*ker” (am I allowed to swear here?) is what he says every time he knocks on a door.

  26. I would name him (or her) Jacques Rinaldo Cousteau, in honour of my best best friend who, in the 8th grade, had an inanimate…something…named thusly. It may have been a chicken. Eighth grade was a long time ago.

  27. He shall be named….Gunther. Why? Cause he looks like a Gunther – why else? 🙂

  28. I would name him Sir Oswald Earl Shuckenstein, O. Shucks for short. He has too much awesome to not have a nickname.
    P.S. Thank you for your awesomeness!

  29. I feel it is wrong to name the giant bird as he clearly already has one. His name is Not Your Mother’s Beyonce

  30. Rainbow Colored Metal Chicken Dancing On Countertops. Well. That’s his Indian name (feathers, not dots!) I would make a video of him that rivals “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows”. 🙂

  31. I was going to post a name but once I read Kyra’s suggestion of James Van Der Beak, I knew that nothing I could write would match that. Well played Kyra. . .well played.

  32. I know it’s been said, and I’mma let you finish, but Blue Ivy is the best name of all time!

  33. I would call him Bwak-be-que and place him next to my grill. My husband would probably lock the liquor cabinet afterwards.

  34. Clearly that glorious metal chicken is mine.

    And her name is Sloan Cluckerson, as she is so obviously Ferris Mewler’s girlfriend.

  35. Wesley Scissorhands. Wesley, like from the Princess Bride and as a nod to Wil Wheaton. Scissorhands, well of course, because he doesn’t have any.

  36. Reggie. Don’t know why, but it looks like a Reginald with the nick name of Reggie. Love your blog!

  37. I have several obsessions. One of which is Big Bang Theory. If you watch it you know that my Beloved Sheldon was treed by a chicken and will tell you that they are quite fierce – not to be associated with cowardly things. Sheldon is also from Texas. So – Sheldon Lee Cooper.

    I also think he was appreciate the depth of your logic and the complexity of your explanations to a clearly puzzled Victor. BAZINGA!

  38. OMFNG I screamed out loud that I needed this and my husband looked at me and tells me No you have too many strange fetishies and this would only be a new one. But I told him that Poe would fit into out e’er life perfectly. Yet he still say No.

    The duck does fit perfectly in the secne.

  39. Daphne, because “my” Victor wouldn’t let me give that name to our cat, so she is Diva instead. …also he hates it when I buy towels!!!

  40. Well obs…he looks just like a Sarah Palin or a Michelle Bachmann. And then it would be a relevant decoration for an election year! (In which neither of them is actually running but during which BOTH names will be copiously invoked during various debate/drinking game parties at my house!).

  41. I would name him Sheldon, after Sheldon Cooper of the Big Bang Theory, who knows everything about everything. Then, whenever someone argues with me, I’d just direct them to Sheldon who, conveniently, only speaks through me, and Sheldon would insist that I am always right. Which I am. Plus, Sheldon Cooper gives me lots of chicken joke material (Shell, Coop) for my blog, and every single picture would obviously link back to you and Sheldon’s mama, Beyonce. 😉

  42. I’d name him Walla Walla Wenceslaus. Because I would live in Walla Walla just so I could say that I’m from Walla Walla, Washington and Walla Walla just sounds chicken-ish, and Wenceslaus just cause when was the last time you knew someone named Wenceslaus?

  43. I would name him/her Aloysious Alphonse, after myself, since that is what my parents called me before I was born. Obviously.

  44. Jenny, if you even get to my submission, which I doubt you will because there are like thousands ahead of mine. All very clever. But I think I would name her Cher. I never had my Cher Barbie that I always wanted as a kid, and somehow this makes up for it.
    Thank you.

  45. I’d name her (I know it’s a ‘her’ because no way a boy chicken is that badass) Shakira. Please send her to live in Boston. We are severely lacking in our collection of smallish and largish metal chickens. Sad, but true.

  46. I’d name her “Waffles” – She’d live on the front porch with my custom painted garden gnome that looks like Gene Simmons from Kiss. They’d be fast friends – I can tell these things.

  47. OMG! How to pick just one super special name for a very special rooster??????? Luckily I am at work and have time for this sort of thing 🙂 I think it’s only fair to go with my childhood hero…whom I literally wanted to be when I grew up (please note, I did not want to be like him, I literally wanted to be him). So with that, I would name this future hypothetical chicken of mine, Michael Jackson.

  48. this chicken is clearly named Pharrell Williams. Because Beyonce is married to Jay Z, and my favorite Jay Z song is “Frontin'” which he sings with Pharrell Williams.

  49. I’m glad I read this after I looked at the photos. I was beginning to get concerned for Duckie Van Buren when I thought that HE was the impalee, instead of the impaler. Are those even words?

  50. I would name it Judgy McJudgerson II. One of My roommates and I “affectionatly” refer to our other roommate as Judgy McJudgerson becuase she gives us “that look” when she comes home from work and finds us drunk on chinese food and WINE. This happens every single time. So I would name this chicken Judgy McJudgerson II and sit it where it looks toward her spot on the couch so it can judge her for judging us. But if Judgy I asks what its name is (which she probably won’t because she would think “why would anyone name a chicken?” except that she doesnt realize that I already have lizard made out of beads name Xander, a taxidermied blowfish named Jasper, and used to have a giant ceramic fish named Giles, who tragically died in an incident involving a sudden stop in a vehicle…let me just say that most of the time seatbelts save lives, but in this case, it cracked a big hole in the side of poor Giles…who knew that my strapping him in we were really just sentancing him to death??)….where was I…oh yes! If Judgy I asks what the name of the chicken is I would tell her it’s name is Larry. Because no one whould think that someone named Larry would be judging them.

  51. Jermaine Jackson named his son Jermajesty. I think it’s too good to only be used once.
    This child of Beyonce shall also be named Jermajesty!

  52. I would name him Rory, The Chicken That Waited (if you’ve gotten that far in Doctor Who, you’ll understand) 🙂

  53. Julio Tenderloins, of course. Ferris Mewler, by posing with Julio, was generously bequeathing him his animal magnetism powers, therefore making him worthy of the Tenderloins name. Totally obvious.

  54. I would name it Cicero, because Cicero means Chick pea, and of course a mini Beyonce is a pea-sized chicken, hence Cicero is the perfect name. (for my new metal chicken)!

  55. True story. In college a girl I was sort of dating had some sort of metal bird looking thing that was probably supposed to be like your chicken, except it wasn’t.

    I mean she was an artist who worked with all sorts of different materials and when she asked me if I liked it I probably should have said yes. Really, most men learn early on that we don’t tell you if the jeans make you look fat and that you are more attractive than actress XYZ.

    But those men are smarter than I am, because I said that her strange looking metal something or other looked like it should be used in a prison movie and then she lost it.

    Ok, she didn’t really lose it. She just smacked me in the head with that strange looking metal something or other and it got stuck. Ok, this story is probably getting a little weird, but you have more than a thousand comments so no one is really going to see it.

    Call the bird Chuck.

  56. Since it’s smaller than Beyonce, I’d have to name “her” Blue Ivy. 🙂

    Then I’d station her in the bathroom. Possibly on the sink counter with a sign that reads “At least it’s not towels”

    OR

    I’d put her on my porch by my front door with a sign around her neck saying “Knock knock mother fuckers!”

    You gotta pick me!!!!

  57. I would love him and hug him and call his name George.
    And I would put him on the book shelf next to my paper mache duck whose name is Daphne.

  58. Lady Gaga of course. Not just because of the irony that it looks like it’s costume was made of many different things. But seriously, they would totally telephone each other if they could. And if they weren’t inanimate metal chickens. You see my point anyway.

  59. I would name him Geraldo and my tiny crazy parrot would stare at him in cross eyed terror for WEEKS. Every time I moved him, she would assume he was a hawk, because she is a parrot filled with nightmares. They would be perfect for eachother.

  60. My beloved rooster cock-a-doodle-died a couple of weeks ago. A giant metal replacement is just the thing I need to get over the loss. His name shall be Lord Flapulon Von Hasselmeyer!

  61. OMG I want this! “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles” is my all-time favorite post of yours.

    I would name him the first thing that popped into my head when I saw him: Tom Petty.

  62. Ferris Mewler has enormous and adorable paws. He reminds me of my 15 pound monster, except Rubber is a brown tabby instead of grey.

    If I had a metal chicken, I would have to name it Chicken Caan of the Cult of Skaro Nuggets. Probably because I’m thoroughly sleep-deprived and up in the middle the day watching lots of Dr. Who.

  63. First of all, I have to know where exactly where the doll heads on pikes are since I am in your general vicinity, especially since I’ve been reading a series of books where the characters’ favorite activities are cutting off people’s heads and displaying them on pikes.

    and secondly I’m not really in the habit of naming metal chicken sculptures but I suppose I could call it Mike after my deceased brother-in-law who was very fond of his rooster until the little bastard got too aggressive and he gave it away but I would take it off your hands nevertheless.

  64. I would name him Napoleon Buttercup. I think it fits his regal flair, but with some crazy thrown in. Good find!!

  65. Billina shall be her name, because although she looks like a rooster, I’m pretty sure she’s a chick. Also, I loved/was terrified by Return to Oz and that somehow seems relevant here.

  66. The Chicken Formerly Known as Beyonce… no, Jacques Cousteau, definitely Jacques Cousteau… I mean just look at his face… clearly he is Jacques Cousteau

  67. We have a habit of naming our pets after food… (ie: Cats named Pasta and Taco)… I want to name him *Chicken Thierry*. He would most likely be called Chicken, and my friends and family would want to point out that he is a rooster not a chicken, but they would be wrong. Thierry is thrown in because I wanted to name my son that and I received a resounding “NO!” from everyone including baby, they were right, but I still adore the name!

    PLUS I totally need mini-Beyonce’ because last week I had a mental breakdown day (days?) and I posted a picture of a flock of Beyonce’s on my face book and said:
    “I need. Seriously. Could be life saving here”
    In the following comments…
    Me: “The small one is my backup plan. But it’s too practical!!!! 😉 “
    Aunt: “Really??? Do they do something?”
    Me: “Yes. They make people furiously happy!!!!”

    BTW, Martin Van Buren is the cutest vampire hunter EVER! I love that you had all of his accessories waiting for him to feel right at home!

  68. I don’t usually comment, but I can’t pass up mini-B. I’m sure someone already suggested Blue Ivy, but I think I’d actually name him lucifer.

  69. She looks like a Stella to me. But my husband’s birthday is coming up and I think this may just be the perfect gift…so maybe he can name her.

  70. Every time I read your blog the similaritie betweent your interactions with Victor and my interactions with B scare me. Almost as much as baby heads on chains

    I would name him Jennifer Garner. He would keep Ben Affleck company. Ben gets plenty of attention at work (someone is fashoning a cape for him as I type), but he is lonely without his partner. I hear him crying when I’m on conference calls. It’s terribly distracting. http://legallydelish.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/cube-chicken/

    you are f*ing hilarious. But you know that.

  71. Her name is Loretta. I’m pretty sure it’s a “she.” But if I’m wrong, his name is still Loretta.

  72. Since it’s a chicken, I’d name it Squirrel.
    I’m all for postmodern names, and already have a plush hedgehog named Frog.

  73. I would name it “D.C.”. For the one response I would hear from my husband when he returns from being deployed and sees it sitting on my counter. ” JENNY! WHAT, WHY IS THERE A DAMN CHICKEN ON THE COUNTER?” Which he will follow with how much did you pay for it!

  74. Love your Beyonce! Hell, love you! I tell ya, she looks like a “Lady Bok Bok” to me. What do you think?

  75. That mini-me chicken’s name is Zanzibar as in Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate, and she needs to come live in my sunny San Diego garden chicken coop until I can convince my husband to let me put some real chickens in there!

  76. Merris Fewler.

    Your cat inspires me to go to the nearest animal shelter and smuggle a cute little kitty home.

  77. Its quite obvious that he is VERY well educated.. Even Ferris seems to know.. I would buy him a pair of reading spectacles To help with his astigmatism. And then I shall dub him Professor Maximus Dumplings III.. but that’s just me…

  78. i would name him tipsy-the-wonder-chicken. it looks like he needs something on the back of his claws to keep him balanced. not the most creative name, but practical and descriptive.

  79. I would name her Hobo. And then would vote to have her named Mascot on the Dealing with Inlaws board on babycenter.

  80. Fredrickstein MckCockelschnapff the Fourth. It’s safest not to ask about the first three, dearie.

    I also love the Duffy the Vampire Slayer. I will say her beak’s bright red color made me wonder if perhaps she had been drinking some blood as well as slaying vampires. A conundrum, for sure, but I’d recommend keeping an eye on the feisty creature.

  81. What would you name it? What the hell kind of question is that? The spawn of Beyonce’ has already been named. Blue Ivy Chicken, of course.

  82. I would call him Marco Pechugas De Pollo.
    And take pictures of him with my cats.
    And with the ducks that hang out in my front yard.
    And on the swing set in the back yard.
    And…

  83. I would name my chicken…Solange.

    Like Barbie and Skipper, Britney and Jamie Lyn, Jesssica and Ashley,…even a metal chicken needs a little sister than isn’t as good as them. And i think it is only fair to have a photo of the two of them together, maybe Beyonce could even sign it.

  84. I would name him J-Lo….I am starting to believe that we need an entire flock of musical Diva’s in metal Chicken form across the country. I would have J-Lo in Virginia, you have the original Beyonce in Texas….and soon we can all meet up once a year, with our chickens of course, at the annual “Metal Chicken Diva’s Convention”…or as we like to call it “Not Towels Con”. Yes that is my dream, and by choosing me, you are helping me get one step closer to achieving that dream.

  85. I need that metal chicken. I. NEED. IT! My boyfriend broke up with me last night and a mini metal chicken would be nice to cuddle. A much nicer cuddle than the ex was! ;o)

  86. Hector Berlioz.

    Who wrote a symphonic poem (which is like a symphony except with commentary) called Symphonie Fantastique (“Fantasy Symphony”. Dude was inventive, yes?) and one of the movements was about being in a crowd watching his own execution. It’s epic.

  87. I would have to see if the chicken was a boy or a girl but if it’s a boy I’d name him Gerald Edgar Chesterton. If it’s a girl then I’d go full Diva and name her Nikki Miraha Shakira Knowles

  88. It’s got to be Melanie Wilkes. Because the Coke accents and the scorch marks made me think of Atlanta, and Gone With the Wind. I always thought Melanie Wilkes was more of a badass than anyone gave her credit for. And Melanie did get a little singed, if I recall correctly, laying in the wagon while Atlanta burned and Rhett and Scarlett were making out.

  89. Dame Edna seems an appropriate name for such a majestic creature. Though my friend demands Humphrey Poulgart. Either way, that chicken would compliment the T-rex on my windowsill.

  90. Queen Elizabeth. She already has a ruby crown. How freaking awesome is that?

    Also, I have been regaling my husband with your tales of Beyonce, and he doesn’t think they are nearly as amusing as I do, so I need Queen Elizabeth’s help in demonstrating the awesomeness of the metal chicken to him.

  91. Frederick. He looks like a frederick. I also want to go to your flea market thing because it looks awesome.

  92. I would name him “You see Joe, you didn’t think I’d go through with my metal chicken threat!” Or probably just “The Reckoning” for short.

  93. I entered your name in the Mexican Wrestler Name Generator (this is an actual website) and below is what it came up with:

    ¡Qué bueno! Your old gringo name was Jennifer Lawson. But we now call you:

    El Gato en Fuego

    In honor of you and because I think this means the Cat on Fire which could explain why Ferris Mewler was so attracted to him, cause cats like heat, I would name the the chicken El Gato en Fuego! If I win him I may need to find a small cape for him to wear as I think the name suggests he needs one.

  94. His name would be Johnny. Yes, I know it’s not clever, but there’s no point in competing with your amazing writing and the silliness of the other commenters!

    Thanks for the giveaway. I hope you’re doing well.

    lindseyjunk (at) sbcglobal (dot) net

  95. I would name her Julia Goolia Cockadoodilia, but I’d probably have to give her a sex change operation first. As a rooster I’d name him William Cockner. “Bill the Cock” for short.

  96. My bestie and I have been hunting for our very own “Beyonce” since your first post, and we FINALLY found one this past weekend. He’s ceramic and surrounded by fruit (not quite the same), but equally fantastic. I firmly believe you can’t have too many chickens around, so I think I’ll name this one Hank…just because.

  97. I would name him Victor and place him in our living room so he could photobomb the hundreds of photos my sister-in-law takes at our family parties. Because he would add so much flare, of course.

  98. I would name him Lucille.

    My reason? Because I’m a big Leverage fan and the hacker, Alec Hardison, named his van Lucille. I would rather name him after Wil Wheaton’s Leverage character Chaos, but my dog is named Chaos and that would be confusing. For both the dog and for the rooster. (And no, I didn’t name the dog after Wil Wheaton’s Leverage character. He already had that name when we got him in 2003.)

    So Lucille it is.

  99. You know… it’s a toss-up between Humphrey, Steve, and Chandler. (Apparently it’s a boy chicken – which I would proudly introduce as, “Oh, yes, and this is my cock, Steve.”) Although Chandler Chicken does sound pretty cool…

  100. Xerxes…from my favorite scene in “The Whole Ten Yards” where Matthew Perry runs over Blanche, Bruce Willis’s chicken. And Bruce Willis screams, “Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There’s been a tragedy!” That makes me giggle every time…not that running over chickens is funny…but the idea of chickens talking to other chickens is freakin’ hilarious.

    However, I think my husband would prefer if I came home with new towels instead of a metal chicken. Ours smell a little “used” and no amount of washing seems to make them smell sweet and clean.

  101. This chicken shrieks of Cybil Shepard to me. Don’t ask for a rational explanation of how I came to that conclusion…I have none. But I stand by my decision.

  102. 1st, this is the 1st time since WED that I have been online, because when I went to an innocuous appt w/ the rheumatology dept here I was immediately rushed into the ER and have been in an X-Files like isolation room ever since. (You have to suit up to come in.) They have no idea what is wrong – and I have been cut off from the net the last 4 1/2 days! I came to you first, and you did not disappoint!! If I had that chicken I would name him Sahib. Cock-a-doodle-doo! Morning time!!

  103. Thomas McDingle Is what I would name that little metal chicken….And he would be fabulous and whether my husband liked it or not he would hold a place of honor in our house 🙂

  104. Even though she’s a mini-Beyonce, I feel that “Mother Clucker” would be appropriate!

  105. I used to work at Martin Van Buren Historic Site, this is hilarious! There used to be a lot of vampires pre MVB…..there could be a connection!

  106. I must have this chicken for my office. As a professor of psychology, I can use it as a prop/example of….well….almost anything in my classes.

  107. I would name him Maximus, because that’s the name of my fake boyfriend I’m building a man cave for, and who says all giant metal chickens have to have female names?!

  108. I would name him Poo. But that’s not a bad thing. My sister and I call eachother Poopsie. Poops for short. So its a term of endearment, not like shit. Maybe I should change it to Poops. Like Poopsie.

  109. I would name him J.D because I have two chihuahuas who are named Thelma and Louise and the chicken looks a little bit shady and I think that he would try to seduce Thelma and then take all of her doggy snacks like Brad Pitt did in the movie, he took money though not doggy treats. AND Thelma has a stuffed quail that she likes to hump so the fact that J.D is a chicken she probably would have invited the seduction or even initiated it. My dog sounds a bit like a whore… shes awesome!! Give me J.D… I NEED HIM! Thanks.

  110. If I had a mini metal chicken, it would be named Max.(After my late cat.) It could live in our backyard with the three headed general of the Unholy Bunny Army ™ and his collection of cats. My daughter would name it Penny after her best friend. My husband would roll his eyes. Sounds like something full of win.

    Kate
    (My late sister in law had a huge collection of ceramic lawn bunnies. We helped her move all of them in for the winter. My Husband (who was not yet my husband) referred to them as the Unholy Bunny Army. We chose the three headed one to remind us of her.)

  111. His name is Clarence, a tribute to the late Clarence Clemmons, most awecome sax player ever, for obvious reasons.

  112. I’d name him Charlie. I wanted to name one of my kids that, but my husband wouldn’t let me because it was the name of all of his pet hamsters growing up. I don’t think he’d object to a metal chicken named Charlie, and I’m sure he’d prefer it to the 5ft Beyonce sized one.

  113. I would love to win the chicken, but I’m unable to come up with a name right now because I’m totally distracted by the collection of mounted heads on the wall behind it. I’m completely fascinated by those!

  114. Hmmm…Crowca Cola? Stupid Richard? That way I can blame him for everything that goes wrong. We’re late? It’s Stupid Richard’s fault. Insurance isn’t paying ny of that bill? Damn that Stupid Richard! And when I’m really mad “Arby’s gave me Vanilla instead of Jamoca?? That Stupid DICK!”

    Yes, Stupid Richard, the Crowca Cola Roo.

  115. Sergeant Pfeffer.
    I don’t know why. Nor do I know how to spell “Sergeant” properly, since it took me three times.

  116. I’d call him “Coke Roger” with the Roger being in a French accent. It would be pronounced something like Coke Rog-eh. The reason for this is that I bought a friend (named Roger) a plastic chicken because its name was Roger Rooster – however….in French – this translates to Cock Roger (get your mind out of the gutter!). So Cock Rog-eh….Changed up to Coke Rog-eh for the wings….nice.

  117. After an argument with my husband on what I was not allowed to name my dog, I would name him Lucifurious “Iron Fist” MacGuyver.

  118. In honor of our newest fallen celebrity, I would name this small chicken Paula. Of course, I would need to fashion a butter chip and gravy boat vessel to ride in as she made her way around the various places in our home.

  119. I would name it Chick-a-pea Cooper – and he would sit on top of my fridge, and my penguin statues would be like ‘woah, what is that thing?’ and he’d be like ‘yeah, I’m a chicken. What up now?’ and they’d become fast friends. As friendly as bird statues can be to one another.

  120. I can’t even begin to compete with the 1350+ suggestions that preceed me. Therefore, I am simply going to respond “Paul”. Paul is a delightful name for a delightful chicken. Thanks for being awesome.

  121. I’d name him “Victorious” of course. that’s what I would be with the chicken in my house.

  122. OMG OMG OMG a chance to win a Beyoncé baby! I am *excited*! OK what would I call him…

    Baron Vladimir Von Wienerschnitzel.

    Obviously. See how haughty he is? The way he holds his tail? Totally aristocracy.

  123. My husband wants to name him Iron Chicken and paint him red/maroon. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t let that happen. He’d have a friend to go visit here, I swear I saw a giant Beyonce wannabe down the road… I will have to go investigate and take a picture.

  124. I would use him as my muse, and when in need of inspiration I would turn to him and say “HENry David Thoreau” please help me come up with something fantastically stupid to blog about.

  125. Frowsy Kate Wardel – if we kids looked like we had lost our minds, he would invoke the name of FKW as a comparison. Apparently it was someone he knew from his childhood back in the Dark Ages.

  126. I think he looks like a Bubba Dean. Bubba, because he’s obviously a rooster, and Dean because he looks totally harassed by Ferris Mewler, just like good ol’ Paula Dean has been by all those diabetic haters out there.

  127. Holy Crap!! I just discovered your blog and think you are sort of brilliant. In a creepy, odd way that I really love and respect. I would name the chicken Michael Jackson. Only because we have real chickens and ended up with a rooster (sexing baby chicks is apparently not a perfected science, damn it). Anyways, his name was Michael Jackson and we loved him but we had to get rid of him b/c we live in an urban area where chickens are frowned upon, and btw, are also are illegal. We could hide the other hens but we couldn’t hide the 6am cock-a-doodle-dooing. I tried everything I could to find a good home for him but I failed. He ultimately went to a bunch of hispanic day laborers at the gas station. I’m hoping Michael Jackson ended up in the mouths of starving immigrant children. And I’m hoping they appreciated the fact that he was 100% organic. We miss him dearly (and we miss all the awesome, inappropriate Michael Jackson jokes he inspired among ourselves and our cool neighbors that knew of our illegal backyard chickens).

    Anyways, if I win Michael Jackson – he would be displayed very proudly in our kitchen. I’d even set a place for him at the table. I might even bring him to large family gatherings and insist he be accommodated. You would be very proud!!!

    Oh, and just in case you think I’m a crazy FREAK (btw, I am) and wonder if I’m making all of this up, here’s a tribute video I did for Michael Jackson (the rooster): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPrWgkWPc5w

  128. She would have to be called Myfanwy, which mean beloved in Welsh, and I am Welsh and she would be loved.

  129. I would name him George. I would bring him to work and put him on my desk. He could be friends with the cow skull that my co-worker has on his shelf. 😀

  130. I would name her Camilla for 3 reasons. 1) Camilla is the name of Gonzo’s chicken he loved so much. 2) Camilla was a warrior virgin in Roman mythology. 3) after the Duchess of Cornwall

  131. $hit (can’t type bad words at work). Then I could move Chicken $hit around the house and put it in different rooms because it would be fun to say. Why’s the Chicken $hit in the bathtub? My purse is by the Chicken $hit in the front room.

  132. Or perhaps I’d call him Chauncey Chanticleer. I don’t think I should have to explain Chauncey. And Chanticleer? Well that’s the mascot at Coastal Carolina University, and I like it. So there ya have it.

  133. Hmmmmm I think I would name him Bertie. Cause I just rewatched The Kings Speech this weekend and I think Bertie is adorable. His full name though would be King George the 6th though, cause if Prince Bertie can change his name to King George than so can Bertie the mini chicken. And my roommate and I could extend our game of “hide the gnome” to “hide the gnome and chicken”. And no that’s not a euphemism, get your mind out to the gutter. We have a wee garden gnome, all dressed up in Edmonton Oilers gear (our hometown hockey team) that we hide around our apartment for each other to find. His name is Larry. We also have a tablet named Ned and a dishwasher named Jeoffry, both from Game of Thones. Cause Ned is always dying on us and Jeoffry is an annoying P.O.S. …. Also, I just realized that I name inanimate objects entirely too often… or maybe not often enough…

  134. If I won him I would totally hold a Name The Apartment Sized Metal Chicken contest…. it’s like the gift that keeps on giving. And also, I would probably have to get a cat, too, since they appear to be friends and I wouldn’t want the metal chicken to be lonely. Win-win!

  135. He would go by Rodney Cockerfield. Because he obvisoulsy gets no respect from Victor.

    Then I would also put a litte mini mask and cape on him at night and call him Captain Cock-A-Doodle-Do. The name doesn’t incite much of a feeling fear and intimidation, but that is part of Captian Doodle’s (how he will be lovingly referred to in the headlines) master plan. He’ll lures the malcontents into a false sense of safety, then cock slaps them in the face. For justice!

  136. I’m going to have to go slightly literary (and perhaps controversial!) and say I’d name him Salman. Salman Rushdie. Because whenever I look at Salman Rushdie, for whatever god forsaken reason, I think “farm animal!!!” No disrespect to Mr Rushdie, of course. Errrrr….

  137. I don’t think creatively under pressure well, but I have two daughters named Story and Keeper, so it’s safe to say I would come up with something bizarre and appropriate.

  138. I already have my own mini-Beyonce, (well technically it’s my husband’s because it was an anniversary present), but I think my marriage could take another if it were named Peaches.

  139. I would name her BeyBeyonce, though I wish I had your Beyonce. That giant chicken would show up on so many people’s doorstep just to mess with them!

  140. I would definitely name her Jenive. Then, I could defer to her in times of need. Someone looking for Jenive? They MUST mean the chicken. Jenive screwed up again? Damn that metal chicken. I see her being a very good totem of blame.

    And bonus points, I live in Austin. So I could save you some serious shipping costs by meeting you somewhere to collect her. Somewhere well lit and public even. And lets face it, not going to the post office + saved shipping costs = you just MADE money off of her.

  141. That chicken’s name is Nicodemus. Because that’s how he introduced himself to me. He was born in Texas but has affected a British accent to weed out the riff-raff when trying to engage in conversations. I don’t know what British accents have to do with it. I’m only repeating what he said. But I can’t do a British accent very well but he sounds exactly like David Tennant. As The Doctor because David Tennant has a severe Scottish accent in real life.

  142. Jack the Cock, the Third. Or JC3 for short. That way, when I call him JC, he won’t be confused with some other JC everyone’s always talking about.

  143. He would be Al the Chicken Man from Al’s Toy Barn. Like, from Toy Story 2. And yes, I would say/write out the entire title every time he was brought up. Which would be all the time. Because he’s a metal chicken. Just sayin’.

  144. Since I’m such a classy young lady, I would name him Motherfucker.
    And call him MoFo in mixed company.

  145. I’m sorry but look at the welds on that chicken… it’s clearly an undead chicken!!! It’s Zombeyonce!!!! And that’s what I would name her! And also, I would accept Ferris Mewler in the package… you know, as shown in the advertising… give him air holes please. I love you Ferris Mewler!

  146. Hmm. Clearly a boy. And a damn fine boy he is.

    I’m thinking, if I win him, I shall name him…Ptolemy Tinplate.

    If I do win him, my husband will not be pleased, which only adds to his value in my eyes. Ptolemy’s, not my husband’s.

  147. Rhett Butler. Dont ask me why, but the minute I saw him that’s the name that popped in my head.

  148. I do believe his name is Bartholamew Oliver Oglethorpe The third. Olly for short. There is a long tradition.

  149. I’ve always wanted a pet, and to name them Wicket after an Ewok from Return of the Jedi. But I’m a) not allowed to have pets in my building and b) (and much less importantly) very allergic to most cats and dogs so I would have the mini-Beyonce and I will love him and squeeze him (avoiding all sharp edges while doing so. I have an aversion to my own blood) and I will call him Wicket.

  150. And I shall call him Rufus McRoosterkins, and he shall sit at my desk! He LOVES junk food, and is very supportive of my fart-ass-around-on-the-computer habit! 🙂

  151. I would have to go with Cock Swagger. Not sure why, it just came to me as soon as I saw him.

  152. OMG! I have one Beyonce similar to that size and he needs a friend! I would so name him Teyonce! Because they are twins…although fraternal not identical obviously! And now of course I’m thinking of what I will name my 3rd metal rooster because, my friend Jenny, you have created a monster! Even my kids yell when we see metal roosters and I’m threatening my hubs that if I don’t get a GIANT metal Beyonce soon there will be hell to pay!

  153. Mini Beyonce would grace my living room next to the plant stand where my husband would have to look at him everyday. Occasionally he (mini Beyonce) would steal the remote and never tell where it is or what he was watching while in control of the TV. Fun times for all.

  154. Everyone is saying they’d name him Blue, which was my first instinct. So I’m going to have to go with my second instinct, which was “The Way We Were”.

    As a nickname, though, I’d probably just call him Steve.

  155. I have two choices on this one. First, Jerry Cantrell because I immediately heard the Alice in Chains song in my head when I saw him. Or Sir Didymus because I’ve always wanted to name a pet that. Or I could just name him Bowie.

    I’d probably go with Jerry Cantrell or Jerry Cantrell, Sr. It’s more patriotic and meant to be.

  156. I would name him Portlandia out of respect for their lack of ability to censor me putting a bird on my desk!

  157. Nestor Emilio Estrada Jesus Ramirez de la Garza, because he looks like he should talk with a Spanish accent.

  158. I NEED this chicken for my sister who introduced me to your awesomeness by sending me a link to the original Beyonce post. She is also an avid coca-cola collector. Therefore I believe that she is meant to have this chicken! It’s fate. You don’t want to mess with fate do you? She is working her ass off at our recently-deceased-mother’s house getting rid of years and years worth of useless stuff so that we can sell the house. I can’t think of a better reward for her hard work than giving her a metal chicken . In honor of Mom, I’d name it Katie Lou Klucks.

  159. Hmm… I’m torn… while Sasha Fierce seems most logical… I’m fond of Sophia Petrillo.

  160. I think it looks like he has a monocle on so I think I’d name him Lord Cluckington-cartwright the third.

  161. Blondie. I think the rock-and-roll genre needs a little representation in the metal-chicken sect.

  162. Don Quixote…mostly in honor of Victor who has been tilting at the windmill of your mental state for so very long! Love ya!

  163. Jakeward. I would name him jakeward. As in Edward (Cullen) + Jake (Black.)

    Which is clearly the best possible thing that could exist.

    Beacuse that would be the best of both worlds.

    World peace.
    you’re welcome.

  164. OMG…not that you can top Beyonce but the first thing that I thought of was “Jack” from Will and grace. I don’t know why! Alittle glam, alittle Jazz hands, alittle off-kilter!!

  165. Hmmmm…I think that I would name it Cokie Cox (mostly because I am so exicted that Cougar Town is coming back) He would sit with me and “Big Wille” and watch the show!

  166. He looks like a “Stonewall Jackson” to me, but that’s probably because the husband unit has been forcing me to listen to Civil War audiobooks.

  167. Sir Gunther III because clearly he comes from a long line of awesomeness.
    I love the duck and I love even more that you already had the scene.

  168. Kelly Rowland seems to make some sense, but I think I’d go with Millicent. Because I wanted to name my daughter Millicent (it’s a witch’s name, you know) but my husband wouldn’t let me. I still don’t know why, but he’s not my husband anymore, so the name is free for chickens.

  169. Urglegrew – The Office the early years. And she’d sent back post cards of all her trips abroad. Because she’s a traveling chicken.

  170. Colonel William Moultrie. I just got back from Charleston with my honey and need another reason to use when convincing him we should move there in 2-3 years. How can you say no to, “But his name is already appropriate! Now if we don’t move there he’ll think we were just playing a cruel joke. Do you want to be responsible for a cruel joke on the Col?! I didn’t think so. Besides. This is what happens when you won’t let me have kittens.”?

  171. I would name him Gilbert, because who wouldn’t want a desk sized chicken named Gilbert. Because he would fit perfectly on my desk at work so when I get angry and frustrated and look over and Incredulously say, “knock knock, motherfucker”, giggle a little, and think that whatever problem I’m currently having can’t be nearly as bad as living with a homicidal monkey who would eat my face off while I’m sleeping.

  172. The 4-year old has spoken and she said it’s name should be “Beak, because look! It has a beak” and you can’t argue that kind of logic.

  173. I think I’d have to name it Jenny. Or maybe David Lee Roth. Ok. I think I like that better than Jenny.

    I just moved to “town” (pop. 232) from the country, and I really need a metal chicken for my yard to class up the place. Especially since I missed out on buying the Blues Brothers when they were at the October antique fair. I’m hoping they’ll be back in April. They would be amazing in my backyard.

  174. I only made it through the first 90 comments and there are already tons of awesome names!

    I see a Beauregard Von Clucksford, southern plantation descended rooster royalty. I know there is a slightly less cheeky baby Beyonce at my local Pamida but my husband poopoo’d the idea the first time I saw her.

  175. I too am fond of Sophia Petrillo and Dorothy Spornak but the name I would give her is River Song – the badass woman from Dr. Who.

  176. I first would like to say that you NEVER have to apologize for showing us taxidermied vampire slaying duck scenes, NEVER. I am new to your blog, but since discovering you I have laughed out loud, inappropriately, at work on numerous occasions.

    Secondly, I would most definitely name him Cluck Norris.

  177. Mallard Fillmore.

    The fact that this is a chicken and not a duck is completely irrelevant.

  178. I suck at names. I tried to steal Beyonce from you and name my bearded dragon, but then my 3 year old insisted on naming it Toothless, after the dragon in How To Train Your Dragon, so we compromised and named it Toothless Beyonce. And it’s a male, so now whenever I speak of him I imagine a homeless drag queen who’s lost his/her dentures. So probably if I won a metal chicken, I would just name it Nicolas Cage, due to the undeniable resemblance.

  179. Obviously the little one should be Taylor Swift, because we all know Beyonce is the greatest metal chicken of all time.

  180. This may be fate. I kinda have chills. I happen to be getting married in June, and my TAXIDERMIST fiancee has decided to choose 4 groomsmens to my 3 bridesmaids (who are all huge GD fans btw), and so I am in need of a 4th person to stand with me on the big day. I would name this miniature piece of metallic glory Alektor in honor of one of the aforementioned bridesmaids who has a huge and hysterical phobia of chickens (the technical name of which is Alektorphobia) and he would stand with us as I pledge my undying love and faithfulness in front of our friends and family. Plus, Alektor just sounds pretty bad ass. Like a Greek battle chicken. Before and after that day, Alektor would reside in the room in our small condo my intended has filled with his other taxidermy treasures, including Jorge, our silver Javalina skull, and Fred, our fox. It is Alektor’s destiny.

  181. I would name her Chickgelina Jolie. Because the exceedingly tiny straight and flat body, ridiculously skinny legs with the giant head on top couldn’t be anything else but an almost dead ringer of her namesake’s inspiration, Angelina.

  182. Colonel William Moultrie. My honey and I just got back from Charleston and then I could use him as another reason why we should move there in a couple years.
    “But if we don’t move there now, the Col will feel lost and adrift. Do you want to be responsible for the Col feeling lost and adrift? Also. This is what happens when you won’t let me have kittens.”

  183. Birdnando!

    Can you hear the drums, Birdnando?
    I remember long ago another starry night like this.
    In the firelight, Birdnando,
    You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar.
    I could hear the distant drums
    And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar.

  184. I’d name him Helmut Meatball Gallagher, III.
    Because I had a pet hermit crab named that a while ago (well, he was Jr.), and then my dad decided to let him take a walk outside in our backyard because “no animals should be caged forever,” and “he looks like he wants some nature,” and then we never found him, but years later, I found an empty shell, and have since been traumatized and want nothing more than a replacement Helmut of any species that won’t leave me.

  185. So apparently I don’t know my own email address. WTF me?

    And now, even if I don’t win, I will be on the lookout for David Lee Roth, the giant metal chicken.

  186. I emailed you this, but just in case you did not get it, I shall tell the story here too. Because it seemed appropriate and I think you may be my people. And also, When I stare into the blank eyes of Martin Van Buren, I feel like I see into his soul.

    I am a fan of Beyonce the chicken. When I read her story I thought to myself, “Hmmmm…me and my bestie would TOTALLY do that and my husband would TOTALLY be like that- hilarious.” But I love goats. I have been begging the hubz for a pygmy goat for the back yard and after I read about Beyonce, I started threatening him with a giant metal goat named Cher. Cut to last night. Who should appear upon my doorstep but Cher herself! Complete with MUSIC. A friend of mine (knowing about my love of Beyonce and goats) connived with my hubby to commission an artist to create Cher for me. It was the BEST Christmas gift ever (and yes I have used a lot of caps but that means I MEAN it). This is a link to a picture of Cher. http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=2779726565978&set=a.1584078515524.85130.1042586882&type=1&theater
    She lives in my living room. I had to explain to the maid this morning not to touch her because she sustained an injury in transit and the artiste has to come over and re-weld her leg. She was confused. We have to get her a corral so she does not impale my kids. She is AWESOME.

    Just wanted to share with someone who understands the joy of metal farm animals.

  187. Ok it took some research to come up with this perfect name… At first I was thinking Pedro or something because I decided that it looked Spanish to me, and I was so looking forward to putting a sumbrero on it and put it as a centerpiece at bbqs this summer. But then I decided it looked Italian. The coca-cola did distract me a little. I now know that I have the perfect name PAULINUS ENZIO Paulinus (other than just sounding so much like another word…lol) means small (mini Beyonce) and then Enzio means home ruler. So because I so hope that I can have as much fun with my husband as you have with yours with Beyonce, it should rule the house. Also the eyes look like they have aviator goggles on…You know I have a few single friends and we always need a co-pilot to do our “aggressive shadowing” aka stalking on their crazy, lying boyfriends with….what a distraction that would be if all they could see was a big chicken behind the wheel of the car instead of us in caps and sunglasses!

    I just love your blog and cannot wait on your book to get to my doorstep!!

  188. I’d name him Charlemagne. Because he is obviously going to start a metal chicken empire spanning the globe. And he’s classy.

  189. First…I am so stealing “holy shitsnacks” from you…don’t worry I make it clear that I stole it from the woman I would leave my husband for (don’t worry, I read your posts to him…he totally gets why I would leave him for you) and second, I love that Ferris Mewler photo bombed your pictures.