UPDATED: By the time you read this I will be addicted to Meth

So yesterday I left my doctor a teary message begging her for something stronger than the rheumatoid arthritis meds that are not working for me at all and I happened to mention that I read a study about medicinal marijuana helping and then right after that my pharmacy called and said they had “something” for me.  They weren’t specific so I assumed it was probably pot, but when I got there they gave me pills and I was like “They make it in pills now?”  Then the pharmacist looked at me weird but then I remembered that smoking causes cancer and so they probably had to convert it to pills so it wouldn’t break their hippocratic oath.  But then I opened the bag and apparently I over-stated my symptoms because MY DOCTOR PRESCRIBED ME METH. 

Y’all, I don’t even know how to take meth.  I tried to look it up online but I got distracted by this list of meth nicknames, one of which is “pootananny”.  Honestly, I’m doing a drug called “Pootananny”?  I’m embarrassed for meth now.

UPDATED:  I tried snorting it and the pill got stuck up my nose so instead I tried to cook it with a lighter but the spoon melted and now it smells awful in here.  Also I realize that I probably shouldn’t have used a plastic spoon but I didn’t want my kid accidentally eating with a used meth spoon later.  Because I’m responsible.

UPDATED part 2:  Okay, I tried it again using a real spoon but the pootananny still wouldn’t melt so I added a little butter and then it totally dissolved.  It tasted terrible and also I don’t feel high at all.

UPDATED part 3:  Fuck.  I think I’m immune to meth.

UPDATED part 4:  Crap.  I just read the instructions and apparently I’m supposed to take 7 meth pills today!  I’m totally going to need more butter.  I’d drive to the store to get it but I’m not sure if you’re supposed to drive on meth.  I guess I could ask my neighbor if I could borrow a cup of butter but she knows I don’t cook and she’d probably assume I was using it for illegal drugs so then I’d show her my prescription and be all “No, it’s totally legal” and her husband would be all “Who was that, honey?” and she’d be like “Oh, it was the neighbor showing me her prescription meth” and then they’d both think I was bragging and would never invite me over because I’m a show-off.  They are very simple people and all they have in their medicine cabinet is off-brand aspirin.  I think they’re Amish.

UPDATED part 5:  Okay, I’ve taken 3 pills and all I feel is guilty for eating so much butter.  I went to Taco Cabana and told some high school kids I would be willing to trade some pootananny for weed and they just looked at me funny.  Then I got back home and looked up pootananny again and apparently it means “vagina”.  I’m totally going to get arrested.

Comment of the day: And NOW I have that Ice Cube song stuck in my head, the one where he says he killed the pootananny. I’m pretty sure he’s not talking about meth, though. ~ Andrea’s Sweet Life

189 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Yeah, Texans hear you need weed, and they just assume you meant Meth. That’s one of the hazards of your chosen state.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Yuck.

  2. And what alternative universe did I wander into where you don’t have any comments yet? What the FUCK internet? You’re letting Jenny down.

    Miss Grace’s last blog post..Yuck.

  3. A responsible doctor would’ve given a demonstration on how to take meth before prescribing it to a patient. Health care really is going down the tubes.

    Kelly’s last blog post..Feeling sheepish

  4. I wonder if you’re a diabetic with arthritis if they’ll give you the meth with heroine (or diabetic) needles.

    Untypically Jia’s last blog post..13 Things To Do While Reading Twilight

  5. I hear there are no side effects to meth AT ALL. Well, if you’re house is already trashed like mine is, you won’t really notice a difference.

    Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Flight of the Conchords offers Parenting Tips

  6. Pootnanny? Bwahahahaha! Just imagining the badass gangsta drug dealers saying pootnanny all Eminem-like.

  7. Back in high school, the kids on meth were the really “cool” ones…

    Neil’s last blog post..I Finally Went Commando

  8. Also, I think it’s hilarious that the BlogHer ad is the “start talking before they start drinking” right now next to a post about dr. prescribed Meth. I mean, we totally have our priorities straight in that ALOCHOL is BAAAAAD. Meth GOOOOOD. Pot GOOOOOD.

    omnomnom

    Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Flight of the Conchords offers Parenting Tips

  9. Pootenanny? My mind jumped to ‘hootenanny’, which, if you put them together would be a heck of a party. And you could be all ‘come to my pootennay hootenanny!’ on the invitations. Bring your goat.

    (Hope the meth kicks in soon for you – it’s awful being in pain all the time.)

    Vic’s last blog post..Next thing you know I’ll be punching Oprah

  10. I love that you know what is in your neighbor’s medicine cabinet. I knew we were kindred spirits!

    derfina’s last blog post..Final Day in Jaco

  11. And you thought Faces of Death was bad, but lo, behold, Faces of Meth!

    http://www.drugfree.org/Portal/DrugIssue/MethResources/faces/index.html

    Joey’s last blog post..Hijinks

  12. Um
    Does your foot feel any better?

  13. And also, all that butter may make you fat. Just sayin’.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..According To My Brother, I Am Not Sick, I Just Have A Bad Attitude.

  14. I’m sure there’s some nice needle exchange program in your area that would be more than willing to help you learn how to properly shoot this. Or, maybe not. Good luck.

    shonda’s last blog post..All My Bags Are Pack And I’m Ready To Go

  15. As someone who is taking vicodin for kidney stones (urgent surgery means wait three weeks for our beloved medical institution) I am howling in laughter over your meth encounter. I haven’t considered alternative delivery strategies for the vicodin yet, but there has so be some glamor since Dr. House takes it all the time and he gets a tv show on Fox!

  16. that meth you’ve got it is really a corticosteroid meth. as someone who spent a boatload of time on a related corticosteroid, i will tell you that one of the delightful side effects is more akin to a pot side effect: you eat. a lot.

    so watch out or you’ll be hitting up the taco cabana as a frequent flyer ;-)

    wrekehavoc’s last blog post..month of 70’s gpms: thank you for being a friend (andrew gold)

  17. “I didn’t want my kid accidentally eating with a used meth spoon later. Because I’m responsible.

    Seriously? I just wet my pants.

    Peggy’s last blog post..REBELLION

  18. You’re getting the hard shit? And all you had to do was whine on the phone?

    Also, what about that I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Spray? I use that on my toast, it could work on the meth too.

    jessie’s last blog post..Soundboard

  19. Meth infused butter? I think I smell an amazing idea for a new Bakery. =D Make sure you send me the first batch of Meth Muffins. lol

    Aaron’s last blog post..Rebuilding

  20. You should watch Pooty Tang. Now that will make you feel better.

    Sa da tay!

    Megan {Velveteen Mind}’s last blog post..over the river and off the deep end

  21. I know a guy who knows a guy that could be willing to trade you some weed. But you have to come out to New Orleans, and you have to bring a wheelchair that has hydraulics.

    Georgette’s last blog post..Well, that’s ONE way to quit smoking.

  22. How is it that you were all up in the fisting lingo, but pootananny slipped by you?

  23. METHYLPREGNISOLONE? So let me get this straight…this drug gets you high AND pregnant? Sheesh, where was this stuff back when the wife and I were tryin’ to have kids?

    AJ in Nashville’s last blog post..Seven Things You Never Knew About Me

  24. Except that that movie is spelled “Pootie Tang.” I’m thinking “Pooty” Tang is some kind of orange drink. For hookers.

  25. Don’t you wish you found that list while you were trying to name your puppy? There are some really good ones in there.

  26. I wonder if it would help my carpal tunnel? Maybe you could put a few pills in My Vagina’s barrel and send him to me? I promise to send him back with a kitten in return.

    Lisa Walsh’s last blog post..Karate 101

  27. I looked up methylprednisolone and it’s not even real meth. It’s just some lame-ass steroid. Even worse, the side effects include weight gain, glaucoma, osteoporosis and psychosis. Real meth would never make you gain weight.

    Steve’s last blog post..RoboStroller

  28. I don’t know whether to be scared or honored that I can actually follow this post and your line of thinking. (i don’t always)

    You CRACK me up. Now help put me back together please. Send meth.

    Rhea’s last blog post..Loving Play

  29. And, just so you know, I totally had to go look up that medicine on WebMD. Because I’m curious like that.

    Please keep it at room temp. lol

    Rhea’s last blog post..Loving Play

  30. Awesome. So I’m going to be fat and even more psychotic. And my feet still hurt. I fucking give up.

  31. Seriouisly? You should never try to cook your pootenany in butter. Gah.

  32. OMG, you are hysterical… but in all seriousness I hope whatever the pharmacist slipped you will work. Pain is overrated.

    Carrie’s last blog post..Surprise, I have something new

  33. I so miss Taco Cabana. They have places here in Seattle that sell “Mexican food” but it all tastes like crap. Tell you what, you get me some real Mexican food and I’ll see what I can do about your feet.

  34. “Feet” was code by the way…. Not like I need to tell you that.

  35. Ooh! Now you can be all pretty like those girls in the Montana Meth Ads.

    The Cotton Wife’s last blog post..Finding Treasure in the Barn

  36. holy crap woman.

  37. Your neighbors must love living next to you.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..A Medley

  38. My wife and daughter just came into my office wanting to watch my seizure. They were disappointed to find out I was just laughing hysterically. Shit, Jenny, you really really need to write a book.

    Bennie’s last blog post..

  39. Butter is better with the weed so save the butter for your special brownies–the fat draws out the THC. I wish I had arthritis.

    How to Party with an Infant’s last blog post..Skipping Ahead

  40. Oh btw, since I’m already showing signs of early onset glaucoma I’m totally begging for that Mary Jane prescription. Maybe if we lived somewhere other than the south we might get it. It still doesn’t hurt to try.

    Bennie’s last blog post..

  41. BTW II, my mom is still telling her friends about this funny chick in Texas who wants to name her dog “My Vagina.” It seems it’s great cocktail party conversation here in Gritville, SC.

    Bennie’s last blog post..

  42. That dose pak may be worse than meth. It could make you focused and more productive on the short term. Who wants that? Plus there’s a good chance you’re going to eat everything perceived as edible in sight. Enjoy the ride.

  43. I totally had to take that fake buttermeth one time. It turned me into a ravening bitch. I mean, more so, you know? On a positive note, I didn’t gain wait, but on the down side–I didn’t even get high from it, just really bitchy. I hope the buttermeth helps you.

    Jenni’s last blog post..Sunday Superbowl Suppers: Saturday Edition

  44. I have uuummm……prescription weed, in a bag, inside my mattress…..we can trade if you want…..

    Ahem.

    the Constantly Dramatic One’s last blog post..The Fuckery that is Craiglist

  45. Yeah, all that butter just can’t be good for you…maybe low fat margarine or a nice olive oil…

    (seriously? Coffee came out my nose. Thanks)

    Sticky’s last blog post..Random Friday

  46. Albino poo?

    You really want to get hooked on a drug known as albino poo?

  47. And here all along, I thought you were already on meth, or at least something as strong. My bad.

    Fairly Odd Mother’s last blog post..Important CPSIA news for crafters

  48. I am pretty sure that drug is to be taken as a suppository.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Welcome to Ho-Town

  49. If you still want to find pot, I heard “Funions” and “Doritos” are the most popular munchie foods. Maybe you could use them for bait. You know, go around crinkling the bags etc, or just hang out in that aisle at the store…

    pseudosu’s last blog post..Revision Woes- OR I Refuse To Break-Up With Dave!

  50. My dog has the same prescription.

    Miss M!’s last blog post..Rock Star in Training

  51. Umm, so you should have named your puppy Pootenanny, then, I guess? The ‘vagina-in-disguise’ thing so that only your meth dealers would know when you were running up and down the street yelling out “POOOOTENANNY!!!” and then your neighbors would think you were chasing your dog but you’d really be looking for a dark alley to get your meth fix.

    Cause a responsible citizen doesn’t let the neighbors know when a drug deal is being sought, it makes the property values go down.

    Pam’s last blog post..She could have been so much more….

  52. Um…side effects include weight gain,hair growth on the face, growth retardation in children,psychic disturbances and even psychotic behavior…um….does this mean your next blog post will be about your new daily shaving routine, the kid down the block who got all retarded short all of the sudden, and the new personality you’ve developed? :) I want some!

    JFletch’s last blog post..Let’s Play Catch Up

  53. Buttered Pootenanny? Well there’s your next porn video title right there.

  54. Make sure you use a fresh blister pack every single time. Don’t take unnecessary risks, dude.

    Jennifer H’s last blog post..Time to lock down the cable box

  55. GODS you are such an addict. But only good mommies cook their meth in plastic spoons … so KUDOS!!!

    Pootenanny. I’m going to use that in a sentence at least ONCE today.

    ‘Don’t make me go all pootenanny on yo arse!!!’

    SweetPeaSurry’s last blog post..A Thought For A Lonely Death-Bed

  56. I really just cant stop laughing. and i am in a library trying survive until my internet is restored. I need to leave. HAHA

    Karen’s last blog post..Anonymity

  57. 57
    ThePeopleGeek

    Don’t chew the pills. Meth users have bad teeth from chewing.

  58. Aren’t pharmacists supposed to show you how to use stuff and answer all you questions? Maybe they were out of butter? Or they are conscientious objectors who protest supplying legal meth by not informing about the proper use procedures? You can only blame Bush for the latter. It’s nice to still be able to use that guy as a blame fall guy, isn’t it.

    annie’s last blog post..Have You Joined the Snuggie Cult Yet?

  59. The “meth” the pharmacist gave you is the special kind of meth that especially helps RA. It will make you high when you take all seven pills. Enjoy (probably not with butter, though); watch those munchies.

    The Mother’s last blog post..Command Performances!

  60. You knew what fisting was but had no idea what pootananny meant? Geez…

  61. What’s really whack about this meth is that it’s a taper, huh? Where like, they get you all high on 7 pills the first day and then 6 the next, 5 the next and eventually you have none.

    NO Pootenanny.

    It’s like you get prescribed drugs and rehab all at once, which is a total buzzkill.

    Overflowing Brain’s last blog post..Whales

  62. Since taking meth orally doesn’t seem to be making a difference, have you tried a suppository? Just a suggestion..

    Sprite’s Keeper’s last blog post..Totally Randomized Tuesday- You know where this is going..

  63. Your commenters are the funniest ever.

  64. Just so you know, medical marijuana is not available in Texas. I already asked.

    betaphi’s last blog post..I Love Coffee

  65. My take on this is that eating vagina cures arthritis. Awesome.

    Jim’s last blog post..The Spider

  66. ah, it TOTALLY makes sense – meth is also called bitch up here in the north. bitch=vagina=pottanannny. duh.

    Rikki’s last blog post..Why the hell it means so much to me.

  67. ah, it TOTALLY makes sense – meth is also called bitch up here in the north. bitch=vagina=pootanannny. duh.

    Rikki’s last blog post..Why the hell it means so much to me.

  68. HA I thought I was smart enough to hit the stop button when I saw my spelling error but nope it just posted both of the damn things.

    Rikki’s last blog post..Why the hell it means so much to me.

  69. Well, if you get arrested, maybe you’ll finally be able to find some marijuana. Or some real meth. ‘Cause you can always find drugs in prison.

  70. And NOW I have that Ice Cube song stuck in my head, the one where he says he killed the pootananny. I’m pretty sure he’s not talking about meth, though.

  71. Ha..that was hilarious! Much funnier than my recent prednisolone (meth) induced stupor…see my It’s Like Speed…with a Perscription post
    for details

  72. You should try unsalted butter. Or maybe Pam cooking spray. You know there is only 2 calories per spray in that. And if this meth med helps you become psychic, could you so kindly send me tonight’s lottery number. By 7:50 PM Pacific Standard Time. Thanks a bunch. However, if you become psychotic, then I really live on the East Coast, not the West. Actually, I live in a bubble…under the sea…down by the boardwalk. See what meth can do to your thinking and writing skills?!

    So Not Mom-a-licious’s last blog post..Sick Kid? This Remedy might be for You!

  73. This form of meth is better than the street shit.. you can gain weight, get hungry, and be pissed off! But it helps the rheumatism.. good luck my friend (I called you my friend but I’m pretty sure we haven’t decided that yet.. but I mean I’m pretty effing cool so it’s only a matter of time before we are BFF’s.. cause like I have the rheumatism too and I’m pretty f*cking cool.. so really yeah I’ll be waiting on that BFF invite).

  74. Being that I live in the Meth capital of the Us, let me give you a tip…

    Do not try the plastic spoon/butter thing on your pootananny.

    You’ll want to trust me on this one.

  75. Dude, you totally went for the pootananny over the albino poo and buff stick? The taco guys would have totally taken you up if you had offered them some buff stick for your tacos, I mean scooby snax (do you think that comes in fun bags?). They’d be crank whore jamied! I’d call you a rude name, but it seems that would mean meth too….

  76. I just read that outloud to my husband because it was so funny, he needed to know why I was sitting at my computer hackling (okay, the truth is he loves your blog and I knew he’d want to hear it immediately) … and then I was like, “Crap should I have read this outloud in front of my 2 year old?” I can only imagine the new vocabulary words he just learned!

    Jen E @ mommablogsalot’s last blog post..A Time For Change

  77. Maybe this will make you feel better.

    The root “rheuma” means “flowing evil humors.” So a rheumatologist is someone who studies flowing evil humors, someone with rheumatoid arthritis has inflammation of the joints caused by flowing evil humors.

    Sometimes the universe makes complete sense.

  78. I hate to out myself as an obvious former/current drug abuser with this comment, but you’re supposed to inject the butter-meth mixture.*

    If necessary, you can modify an oral syringe using super glue and a toothpick, but I can personally recommend you don’t let it get that bad.

    —–
    * Out on the streets with all the narcs, we call it BM to keep it on the down-low.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..My ridiculous rhinestone bow ’tis of thee

  79. Where I come from they call heroin butter. I’m so forwarding this post to my little brother.

    Jo’s last blog post..

  80. Congratulations on your new enthusiasm!

    michael5000’s last blog post..The Reading List: "The Trial"

  81. Jenny, are you guys ok? I just heard on the news that Nazi Zombies had invaded Austin.

    http://www.empiremovies.com/index.php?id=25522

    I think you may have bigger things than meth addiction to worry about.

    Mr Farty’s last blog post..Translation Fail

  82. I think it’s time to channel your energy into some positive activism. Check out Texans for Medical Marijuana. I loved their home page text, which begins:

    Dear Medical Marijuana Supporter,

    When Texans for Medical Marijuana closed in 2007, there was much sadness and concern in our state over the welfare of patients and the hopes of protecting them and allowing access to the medicine they need. To fill these very big shoes, a new organization has formed called the Texas Coalition for Compassionate Care.

    Jenny, you just need to tell your doctor you need more compassionate care. I’ll bet she hooks you up pronto. Either that, or come visit us in the Pacific NW. I would SO put you up at our house!

    Holly Forrest’s last blog post..The Sam Adams Musical and New Friends

  83. To clarify, I do not actually have any medical marijuana at my house. Nor do I even have plain marijuana. But medical marijuana is legal in Oregon and Washington…

    Holly Forrest’s last blog post..The Sam Adams Musical and New Friends

  84. “Do not stop using methylprednisolone suddenly, or you could have unpleasant withdrawal symptoms.” from yahoo health

    No dip shit

  85. I have nothing funny to add, just helpful hint. The prescription meth you are on will probably prevent you from sleeping well while you’re taking it. Hunh, so it IS like the real thing!

  86. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time!

    Brandi’s last blog post..Random Picture Saturday

  87. if my doctor would just issue me some meth, I would be so much thinner

    flutter’s last blog post..What I am learning

  88. Have your teeth started falling out yet, because that’s what happened to m er, that’s what happened this one time in a TV show I was watching once about people taking meth and all.

    Kathi D’s last blog post..Mamma Mia! OMG!

  89. Dude – don’t get meth mouth. Then you’ll get arrested even if you quit doing meth because you’ll have skanky hooker mouth.

    I have your best interests at heart, of course.

    trannyhead’s last blog post..Commence Freak Out Session NOW!

  90. Man, I HATE when that happens. You’d think a doctor would know that stuff.

  91. Laughing so hard I’m crying!

    Damselfly’s last blog post..Saying it forward

  92. OK, this is a bit weird but some people claim that raisins soaked in gin can help. I mean, sure, it’s probably total bunk but, on the other hand, raisins soaked in gin!

    Steve’s last blog post..Enhancement

  93. I should be laughing, but mostly I’m just worried about you. Being in pain is not a good thing. Call me if you want to!

    Lotta’s last blog post..Daughter Dances

  94. OMG! I was laughing so hard my husband had to read it just to make sure I wasn’t laughing at him about something.

  95. You are a freaking riot. I wish I could be 1/4 as funny as you – seriously. If you run out of meth, let me know and I’ll ship some Ritalin. That stuff is great with butter, sugar and chocolate syrup…. and chips, pepperoni pizza and diet coke. In fact, not much that doesn’t taste great with a little Ritalin.

    **Disclaimer** – I just realized, I wouldn’t actually send you Ritalin because I need it, it would be wrong not to mention ILLEGAL – and I’m sure there are a shit load of things that I could get busted on for doing it. Not to mention, Jesus wouldn’t really approve. So I guess that means – good luck on cooking your junk.

    Gretchen’s last blog post..I’m not popular. or cool. or exciting.

  96. PS – I seriously hate that I’m jealous of your meth. I have a raging ear infection and it really could use meth of its own. and an antibiotic and ear drops – but I’d settle for a good package of methylprednisolone to get rid of this inflammation.

  97. Thanks, I needed that. Be careful. Meth (the kind you have) will make your man parts shrink.

    Wanda’s last blog post..like a rock

  98. the post has me laughing so hard I’m crying…the comments? now I’m crying AND snorting like Urkel

  99. You mean you didn’t get the Flintstone’s chewable meth pills? god you’re lame!

    Kimberlee’s last blog post..won’t see THAT in Oakland.

  100. The butter will act as lube for pootenanny dryness as well! Or other things.. not that I know.

    P.S.. I think that’s part of why it’s called a pooter as well.

  101. you better not be serious

  102. Hilarity aside (because this post had me laughing out loud at my computer at 3 in the morning, leaving Husband to wonder WTF I’m up to) I have Lupus. So I kind of feel your pain. Literally. :(

    Haven’t been prescribed meth yet though. I’m totally saying, “Pootananny plz” to my Rheum next time I see her.

    Chloe’s last blog post..Oh shit! Oh god! Oh no!

  103. Prednisone drugs have my favorite side effect of all time:

    Inappropriate happiness

    Like I need a drug for that.

  104. Should make the Super Bowl a little more interesting. A little.

    mrtl’s last blog post..Bugs Say the Funniest Things

  105. “I didn’t want my kid accidentally eating with a used meth spoon later. Because I’m responsible.”

    Will someone please GET THIS WOMAN HER OWN SPECIAL ON TLC?

    ~EdT.

    Ed T.’s last blog post..A matter of National Security…!?

  106. That is flippin HILARIOUS

    Jen @ Eco-Office Gals’s last blog post..Do YOU Need a Virtual Assistant?

  107. I’m new to this blog. You’re hilarious. I’ll be back.

  108. I think it’s great that you’re on meth! Now you can feel like your being twice as productive, with half the amount of teeth!

    everpress’s last blog post..Are You Threatening Me?!

  109. I first read you’re post title as “addicted to Math” and I kinda freaked out for 30 seconds because I didn’t understand how that would happen and a part of me didn’t want to read your post just to fight the addiction. Then I read it again and was relieved to see you actually said “meth”

    I just really hate math.

  110. 110
    The Original Lisa

    Good news, side effects include growing facial hair and psychic disturbances. Looks like you can finally get that circus job you’ve always wanted.

  111. OMG, you’re supposed to take meth with MARGARINE!

    Swistle’s last blog post..CPSIA Giveaway #1: Winner!

  112. OhDEARGOD!

    The only word that mattered was steroid..do you know what that does to you? Have you ever taken a cortisteroid before? ACKK!!!

    Yeah.
    Get back to me with that answer.

    Anissa@hope4peyton’s last blog post..The one where my birthday sucks

  113. Don’t get too excited. I’ve been taking asspirin for ages and still am not getting much ass.

  114. Personally, I’d crush up the meth pills and roll them up like a doobie and smoke ‘em. You’ll get much higher that way, I think

  115. Weird and crocheted tofu burgers as it sounds, I find that lavendar oil on a wheat bag straight from the microwave helps ease joints.
    Feel better hon. If only those kids had known what you were offering

  116. I believe the proper way to use pootnanny is up the pootnanny. Careful with that now, ya hear?

    Amber Mc’s last blog post..My 4 month old: Heartbreaker, Gentleman, PIMP.

  117. You might want to look into Rituxan and another meth — methotrexate.

    Or move to California and get a pot prescription.

    always home and uncool’s last blog post..Run for Someone’s Life

  118. I am totally gonna get fired if I keep on reading your blog. I snort and laugh and snicker so much, they’re gonna have to replace my ergo chair with something plastic covered so my pee won’t soak into the seats anymore. My cubicle’s really starting to smell. I blame you.

    Mama Dawg’s last blog post..Who Would You Do?

  119. You realize how funny you are? Seriously, I have to wait until I’m alone in the office and there’s no one to hear all the continuous (L)aughing (O)ut (L)oud while I’m reading a post.

    that girl’s last blog post..I’m with the band..

  120. Hey, you still need some, uh, medical marijuana? Call Michael Phelps, I hear he’s got some. And bonus, it’ll make you a really good swimmer!

  121. My doctor never calls in my meth prescription over the phone, she always makes me come pick it up at the office.

    What the fuck?

    Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy’s last blog post..He Blogs, She Blogs The Eighth

  122. oh man!! Toooooo funny. snorting tablets was NEVER going to work!! ;-)

    Sam’s last blog post..ick!

  123. Oh. My. GOD. I can’t find words worthy enough of your writing.

    You are hysterical.

    I think I love you.
    :D

  124. i think there’s a rule that states if you are much past comment #35 you should not comment. what am i doing here?
    where will i go now?

    liv’s last blog post..the little things.

  125. Personally I prefer to comment after the 100th commenter because then people are less likely to notice me and I’m slightly less self-conscious about what I’m going to say.

    Only slightly though.

  126. my boyfriend just asked me if he could get some pootenanny before my meeting tonight.. no lie.

    I told him that if he doesn’t get off the stuff this relationship isn’t gonna freaking work.

    I’m Jo. And I’m awesome.’s last blog post..I’m trying so very hard to keep it together, and I fear I’m failing…

  127. You should have made a you tube video of the snorting pill episode…it SO would have rivaled all the “true” meth users home videos!

    Beth’s last blog post..A Happy Cardinals’ Game Memory

  128. Bossy prefers her Meth in gum form. Oh, never mind, that’s just Eclipse Spearmint.

    BOSSY’s last blog post..Bossy’s Favorite Things.

  129. Yeah Jenny. This is the same crap they give me when I get poison ivy. Every summer. By osmosis I guess. No buzz at all. I do get all macho and manly for a while though, so there’s that to look forward to.

    David’s last blog post..Be in the moment

  130. Shit, I’m like way past comment #100. This is so not even gonna get read. So it probably doesn’t even matter what I say here…hmmm

    Weed should be prescribed to simply keep your sanity.

    What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees

    They call me Scrappy!

    Ok, I’m all out, not feeling witty enough to take full advantage.

    Brandy’s last blog post..Crap!

  131. 131
    Kia (Good Enough Mama)

    I think it’s my responsibility to tell you that if you don’t at least TRY to sell this shit, you’re missing the boat. Oh, oh, look! There goes your boat. And your meth is inside!

    Kia (Good Enough Mama)’s last blog post..Caption THIS, Peeps!

  132. Oh dear god. I am so worried about you and your meth addiction and your ankle with an ankle and your early-onset old lady diseases that I am not sure if I should be leaving you this comment or dialing 9-1-1. Plus, I am so late getting here. Who knows what kind of state you’re actually in now? Oh dear god. I know. I already said that. But, you know…OH DEAR GOD.

    Lesley’s last blog post..This Is Not A Political Blog…But His Name Looks Like "Boner" So, You Know, What Do You People Want From Me??

  133. No new posts since 1/31?

    Worst. Meth addict. Ever.

    adm

  134. it would probably taste better dissolved in whiskey.

    MommyNamedApril’s last blog post..Who Says You Can’t Buy Friends?

  135. If you’re truely immune to meth, you could totally challenge your enimies in a “meth-off” and then point and laugh when they OD and you’re still ok (provided “ok” means inhaling the noxious fumes from burning plastic spoons and butter). Anyone else craving butter right now?

    carolinemichelle’s last blog post..Realizations, with a touch of dyslexia

  136. The good news is, if you work your meth face to perfection you should be able to hop on the Rock of Love bus and flaunt your hooch.

    Allison’s last blog post..Maybe Jesus Smokes Pot Too

  137. Ok. I confess, I read this entire post thinking, “She’s so fucking weird.” Until I got to this part, “Then I got back home and looked up pootananny again and apparently it means “vagina”. I’m totally going to get arrested.” and laughed so loud that now all the dogs in my neighborhood are barking.

    Kat’s last blog post..The Best Commercial Ever

  138. My husband said to tell you that if you use this (his was for poison ivy) and then go to a Robert Earl Keen concert, you MAY lose your ability to walk thereby leaving your pregnant, country-bumpkin wife feeling helpless in the middle of a big city.

    Good times.

  139. I totally though pootenany was a place, not my Gine. Explains a lot.
    really a lot.

  140. My neighbor in Seattle was a meth dealer. He used to send me ‘work’ so I would keep quiet about his activities. Then one day he wasn’t there anymore. I think he was abducted.

    A Free Man’s last blog post..A commode of cultural confusion

  141. Since you have not posted a new entry in, like, forever, I sure hope you are working on that book!!!

  142. “I didn’t want my kid accidentally eating with a used meth spoon later. Because I’m responsible.”

    Can I get this shit on a T-shirt yet or what? You have got to write that book!

  143. F’ing hilarious!

    Also your comments are funny as all hell! And I read them all!!!

    Somebody I know found a joint in their dressy clutch that they haven’t used in 6yrs………..would you like it?

  144. Just found your site and laughed my way through this whole post.

    Cathy’s last blog post..Big Foot, Moose, Llama?

  145. Will you post pictures of your teeth in a week?

    Father Muskrat’s last blog post..is it just me, or is this lawyer a total dick?

  146. They DO make “it” in pill form now. Brand name: Marinol. It’s basically pure THC. Getcha some o’ that.

    Or you can just come over and I’ll make you some cookies. “Special” cookies.

    Cynical Nymph’s last blog post..Hyperbole and Appropriation

  147. OH! I didn’t think anyone out there was wittier, smarter and all around more entertaining than me! Well, there still isn’t, but DAMN I laughed at every single post until my eyes were crossed and couldn’t read anymore!

  148. I’ve taken that meth before. I’ve cut it with coffee, and it helped my autoimmune issues, but made me a little nuts.

    Up in the middle of the night baking and crazy nuts.

    Be careful, sweet Bloggess.

    Lisa Milton’s last blog post..fibs I tell myself

  149. 149
    wendy (tramps like us)

    pootananny? ahhhh, so that’s where all the hollywood husbands get their future wives

  150. Man oh man, after the week I’ve had (thanks Forbes), I’m SO glad to find this blog!

    Meth and butter, what a hoot!

  151. I’m going to bte that you weren’t at the Taco Cabana on Westheimer and Montrose; ’cause the kids there probably would have said “Okay, sure” and they probably would have assumed that “pootenany” means “hamsters.” And they would probably still trade you weed for hamsters. That has been my experience with that particular Taco C. Well, sort of.

    MButterfly’s last blog post..List-o-mania: Weird Injuries and Alternate Monikers

  152. I’d interrupt a conversation with Jesus to write down something witty.

    Pretty Lush’s last blog post..Shadow biographer

  153. girl…you are flipping hilarious. good.lord.

    Kat’s last blog post..25 things you could probably go your whole life without knowing about me

  154. I actually think it’s more interesting that the product dispensed is Jennifer Lawson.

  155. My back hurts from laughing too much.

  156. I looked up Pootananny and this is what I came across.. http://www.stickam.com/viewMedia.do?mId=176343258
    Just thought I would share it

  157. [...] everywhere now that the baby knows how to open the drawer. While it’s not as funny as her meth addiciton or that time shebought her kids pornographic video games. I like to think we have something in [...]

  158. wow i think after 7 doses of meth and/or butter i would be hiding in the closet ready to claw someone’s eyes out if they tried to touch my Pootananny.

    Lia’s last blog post..When Senses Fail… I may have a taste for the naughty things

  159. THANK-YOU.

    Just found out yesterday that my husband has been laid off so life has been very doom and gloom in the household today… but then I read this entry and I’m still laughing.

    I don’t even know you, but you have no idea how much I needed you today… Thanks.

  160. 160
    Anonymous

    You’re silly, just having meth in the name doesn’t make it meth. The type of meth that destroys lives is Methamphetamine, and you will only find this clinically in Desoxyn. This is a very potent chemical almost exclusively found in treatment of patients deep into chronic narcolepsy to force them awake, and is very rarely RARELY used in the most extreme cases of ADHD, but this is only as a last resort, and even if every other option is exhausted they will still be very reluctant to prescribe it.

    It’s not methamphetamine, don’t worry about it. dumb.

  161. 161
    Anonymous

    Also, it’s a pill. You eat it, dumb shit. Crushing and snorting pills is only for junkies who want to feel the full effect instantaneously, as opposed to being released over time as is done in clinical doses.

  162. [...] Comments 159 and 160 on my post about meth.  Pretty sure this is the same person as comment 44 on my post about [...]

  163. This is hysterical. You do know that some of your readers take you seriously, don’t you? You should be making money off of this blog.

  164. [...] to me when you lose 4. Put wet hand prints on my jeans while I’m trying to bathe you 5. Touch me with hands that you’ve just had down the front of your pants 6. Torment me for an hour while I cook you a meal and then refuse to eat it 7. Insist on hearing [...]

  165. I PERSONALLY BELIEVE EATING MORE POOTENNANNY WOULD BE LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN GOT MILK & CAMPBELL SOUP. BUT INSTEAD ITS GOT METH! INCREASES STONG BONES & TEETH. ALSO, UM….. UM DOES THE BODY GOOD.

  166. Mr. Anonymous (3 posts up) SO doesn’t get it! Maybe he needs to take some meth or some pot. Or maybe he’s just not getting enough pootenanny. Probably all of the above. Hey, Anonymous, she has rheumatiod arthritis, for cryin’ out loud! How do you honestly expect her to blog without cookin’ up some crank? Amazing how uncompassionate some people can be! Narcolepsy and severe ADHD–right! You need STRONG drugs for that stuff.

  167. [...] And for those who have ever looked at a prescription bottle and said, “HUH?!” Posted on June 8, 2010 by Natalie “Fuck, I think I’m immune to meth.“ [...]

  168. Mr. Anonymous is probably Victor. Not so anonymous now, huh?

  169. Great blog and I love the other blogs (most of them unrelated but just as irreverent) by many of the people who commented on this. If you actually have a doctor hooking you up with prescription crystal meth, by all means give him a plug and let’s party!

  170. 170
    really...really?

    Has no one yet pointed out that Methylprednisolone, is not “meth”. Meth, the street drug is short term for methAMPHETAMINE.

    Methyl itself is just some sort of molecule attached to certain drugs molecule to make it have a different effect, but methyl itself is not METH and will not get you high or have any recreational value at all lmao. The only time “meth” will get you high is when it is attached to an AMPHETAMINE, which is the drug that already gets you high, the methyl attachment to the molecule just makes it recreate different, stronger. Although I’m sure the original blogger new this, but a lot of the comments seem completely obvious.

  171. I love you Jenny.

  172. Hmm.. I just checked Alexa and two of my top search terms are actually related to YOU.

    The Bloggess Tshirts was at 15.64% and ‘plese stand by for a demonstration on relevance’ was 2.69%

    Andie recently posted Some kind of witty title about teeth..

  173. Ahh hell. I commented on the wrong post. CRAP.

    Andie recently posted Some kind of witty title about teeth..

  174. Oh my gosh this made me laugh so hard I cried and fell down the couch. The picture of you sniffing the pill and it just goes *fump* and is stuck LOL!!!

    amz recently posted 3 Preise, 1 Autorencamp und 1000e Besucher.

  175. I was on that Meth a few months ago after a port placement surgery for my Cancer treatment. Must confess I never thought of mixing it with butter. Maybe if I had my scar would have healed better … or better yet, I wouldn’t care about my scar! LOL

  176. I love saving up your articles and readig several at a time, over and over again, so I can get some.good laughing time in. Thanks, Jenny!! :)

    Jennifer Ryan recently posted A Corner Has Been Turned.

  177. Did you try just swallowing the pills? I hear that works, too.

  178. You used a plastic spoon to cook your meth because you are reponsible…… That is undeniably the most retarded, dip shit thing I have ever heard. With common sense like that your title should read I’ll probably be dead by the time you read this. You are a complete moron and I feel very sorry for your child to have to be raised by such an ignorant person. Poor kid got stuck with a mom who cooks drugs up in plastic spoons and wonders why the house smells. Bitch it isn’t the drugs that smell that bad…..Your burning plastic their Einstein. Amazes me how stupid people can be and unfortunate children can be with the parents they have to raise them. Do us all a favor and kill yourself now please.

    You’re making my head hurt. ~Jenny

  179. Oh yea and Methylprednisolone is not Methaamphetamine.Methylprednisolone is a steroid type drug. Methamphetamine is a stimulant amphetamine. You are so fuckin stupid it amazes me. And you have the nerve to say like Mother Theresa but better. Kill yourself please. Then you can say your like Mother Theresa cause youll both be dead.

  180. You have to be borderline retarded to honestly think Methylprednisolone is Methamphetamine, just because it contains the Methyl isomer. To top it all off, the first thing you do apon your hilariously idiotic ‘discovery’ is try and snort this ‘meth’? People like you are the reason we as a species have not reached our fullest potential, and should be euthanized.

    (Um…this post is satire. I’m not sure how you missed that. ~ Jenny)

  181. This was forwarded to me just as I took my own ‘meth’ (methotrexate) today. Thanks. Now I think I have one lodged in my sinus.

  182. i’m not sure how idiocracy can advocate euthanasia for satire but not for people who misspell “upon.” here’s actually why our species isn’t reaching its fullest potential: judgment. and i say this as a judgy mcjudgerson myself.

  183. Wow some of these commenters must be very new here. How many ways can you say CLUELESS?

    It’s called humor, you morons. Get on the bandwagon, or go crawl back under your rock now.

    Kelli recently posted 2013 has been "eventful" so far..

  184. All this talk of butter made me think about “Last Tango in Paris”. Which did not include meth. Or might have.

    Nathalie (@spacedlaw) recently posted Meditate.

  185. Ah, misunderstandings. The other day I was with my child at an admissions event for his future school. The director said he lived ~~~ REI. I heard “IN”. Incredulous, I said very loudly, “You live IN REI????” Apparently, he said “NEAR”. But he had a sense of humor about it. Fortunately, so did my child who is used to me doing shit like that.

    MILF Runner recently posted So where's all my free shit?.

  186. I think that the level of troll assholery has certainly increased in the last couple years. Back in the day (2009), people just called other people silly or dumb when they didn’t catch the satire.

  187. I especially like that one unpleasant specimen linked his business URL to his comment, yet has the hide to attack other people’s intelligence.

    Alverdine recently posted Pagan Blog Project: Altared states.

  188. I don’t always read the comments, but this time they’re so… um… entertaining. How is it that anyone can read your blog and not get that it’s satire and meant to be humorous?

    Of course, it is amusing that they rant and rave about your “stupidity” with multiple misspellings, grammar and punctuation errors, and rant all the while about how dumb YOU are, while waving a big ol’ “I Need A Clue” flag.

    I guess it really does take all kinds. Never change, Jenny! We love you! (And we know it’s supposed to be funny.)

  189. Truth1: Don’t link to your work website when writing disgusting things on the internet
    Truth2: You, sir, are an asshole.
    :D

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