UPDATED: Victor doesn’t understand me or the allure of dead rodents.

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  Hey, just FYI? I just bought myself a celebration mouse instead of steak.

Victor:  I already regret asking for clarification.

me: Well, I got a good review in Oprah’s magazine so I thought I deserved a steak dinner to celebrate, but I don’t really like steak so instead I thought to myself “Well what do you like?” and I realized that I like ethically taxidermied Victorian mice dressed in people clothes.

Victor: You just realized that?

me:  Well “remembered” is probably more accurate.  But here’s the deal, they were CRAZY CHEAP.

Victor: “They”?

me: I may have bought five.

Victor: Motherfucker.  THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED ON THE INTERNET.

me:  Yes, but they were practically buy one, get four free because they were only $150 for the whole set.  That’s like $8 bucks each.

Victor:  Using what kind of fucked up Algebra?

me:  8 bucks a leg.

Victor:  That’s not how math works.

me:  It does with mice, plus they’re fancy mice.

Victor:  Why?  Because they’re white?

me:  No, racist.

Victor:  Dude.  At the pet store all the “fancy mice” are white.  Don’t blame me.

me:  Fine, Victor.  I’ll just blame the system.  But no, they’re fancy because they’re all in black tie.  AND THEY’RE IN AN ORCHESTRA.

I'm making an evening gown for the one on the right because right now it's too much of a sausage party and no one wants mouse sausage.

Victor: Hang on.  These mice are 150 pounds.

me:  No fucking way.  They’re MICE.  They’re like 3 pounds COMBINED.

Victor:  No, I mean the price is in British pounds.  AND THIS IS WHY YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO BUY CELEBRATION MICE ON THE INTERNET WITHOUT SUPERVISION.

me:  You know what?  You are ruining the whimsical celebration of these dead mice.  Plus, I don’t understand the pound conversion.  Is it 150 pounds of American cash?  Because if I pay in wheelbarrows of pennies those Brits are screwed.

Victor:  Please stop buying dead animals without asking me first.

me:  You should have put that in our wedding vows.

Victor: You should stop buying dead mice playing instruments.

me:  You should start making tiny coats and tails for these dead mice.  Also, I need  150 pounds of money.  I’m raiding your change drawer.

Victor: I don’t even feel safe in my own house anymore.

 ***********************

In related news, I want to celebrate with you too since you’ve been with me these last ten years of writing this book.  The book comes out a week from tomorrow (!) so I’m giving away an autographed copy of the audio book on CD (read by me) which has extra outtakes and a bonus chapter.

All you have to do is submit a name for one of the mice (or the whole group) in the comments and I’ll choose someone at random to win. And again, thank you.  I couldn’t have done this without your support.  Seriously.

UPDATED:  You people are get greatest dead animal namers in the history of ever and you should bookmark this page for the next time you have a hamster with no name.  I’ll randomly pick a winner for the CD tomorrow but until then I just wanted to share a few of my favorites that you’ve shared:

“Mice-tro Wallace Hartley II and the Von Trapps”

“Mouse-zart”

“Yo-Yo Mouse”

“Hobo Thunderbun”

“Ludwig Van Squeekhoven”

“Neil Patrick Harris”

“Henry Mousini”

“Nigel Higgenbottom”

“Alsonso Mousekovitz”

“Bippen Schnitzelpuss”

“Viktor Aqualung Cumberbatch”

“Mathilda St. Whiskers”

“Lady Persephone Cheddarton”

“Puddles”

Please, never stop…

2,126 thoughts on “UPDATED: Victor doesn’t understand me or the allure of dead rodents.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Chester Cheesecrumb [and his Orchestra]

    And I think you should be allowed to buy all the dead animals you want if it makes you happy.

  2. Hmm, I believe Sir Whiskington is a must, Rish Uncle Mousington (like the Monopoly guy), Chedder VonTrap, Mouseasourus Rex, the really dopey looking one in the back should is Squee (like Shmee).
    To be honest I think there needs to be more monocles in this picture.

  3. Hi
    New reader here, probably going to read your entire blog now. We share a name *high five*
    And I approve of your stuffed mice.

  4. How did I miss this? Damn projects that are unrelated to reading The Bloggess!

    I adore your affinity for taxidermied rodents. Does Hamlet have a girlfriend? Because that orchestra could totally play at their wedding 🙂 And Juanita could be the caterer who ruins the soufflé.

  5. I can’t believe Victor wouldn’t understand the necessity of buying a tiny mouse orchestra, ESPECIALLY considering that a tiny white Shakespearean mouse is the cover of your book. Really, its like fate sent you a tiny symphony celebrating your authorship, so it’s probably tax-deductible and all….

  6. You know, I read about your crazy and it definitely speaks to mine. God help my husband.

    If you are ever in Colorado, Chile, California, Arizona, or Antfuckingarctica, let me know. I would love to do window shopping for taxidermy friends, or over coffee.

    You make me happy, and you inspire me to be out with my own flavor of different. My husband calls me multifaceted, but you seem to help make it okay. Well done.

  7. Lady Cordelia Fitzgerald of the Lake of Shining Waters and Cheesus Christoff and Squeakus Maximus and Murino Aloysius and Shasta Sheen

  8. My suggestions, off the top of my off-kilter head:

    1 Flammable
    2 Pump-Action Retards (my favorite band name ever)
    3 Fromage d’Amour (my second favorite)

  9. Why don’t you just name them all “Bob.” Then you won’t have to worry about keeping their names straight. I bet all those white mice look alike to Victor, so it would really be a big help for him as well. You’re welcome!

  10. The Five Trebles:
    1. Wagner
    2. Chopin
    3. Diskant (German for Treble)
    4. Fermata
    5. Forte

  11. Name them “Victor and the MousePack”- he can’t hate them if they’re named after him. He can even make a tiny replica of his favorite shirt & tux to put on a mouse of his choice- except the one already wearing a dress.

  12. They are of course, the Mouseketeers. (but is the one in the dress Brittney or Christina?)

  13. The Merry Drunkster and the Drunkenettes, performing Not Live at a theatre near you.

  14. Actually, you came up with a pretty sweet band name for them yourself. Mouse Sausage. Or, to make it more fancy, Symphony Mouse Sausage. I realize there’s a girl in the band. That just makes it all the funnier!

  15. I was going to suggest Devil in a Blue Dress, but given your amazing work with Red Dresses these days, the Lady must definitely be wearing a RED DRESS. As for the names I must go all-in with Maxi Red Dress and the Tampons.
    Best of luck, my dear. Cannot wait to read it, or hopefully, listen to it:)
    Much affection,
    Stephanie B from North Carolina

  16. Itsey, Mitsey, Stinkerbutt & Chet…

    …but I think ALL of the fab names that people have already come up with which are spin-offs of famous musicians such as: “Yoyo Mamouse” & “Fluffgang Mousezart” …all these can also be used in conjunction with the simple, given names in a long list of “AKAs” for each of these mousey guys because clearly they are awesome and they deserve the aliases to demonstrate their street cred in the rough and tumble mouse music world …ROCK ON BLOGGESS! ; P

  17. Minnie Rodentia & The Let’s Pretend This Never Happened Orchestra.

    Rat King Cole & The Cheeseborough Brass

    Minnie Rodentia & The Marijuana Brass

  18. Her Royal Highness Bathilda is listening to the rag time tunes of the world renowned Rat-A-Tat Band. Of course it’s lead by Monsieur Jaques Cousteau.

  19. I think they should be named after characters from Wodehouse:

    Stilton Cheesewright
    Stephanie “Stiffy” Bing
    Gussie Fink-Nottle
    Sir Roderick Glossop
    Bertie Wooster
    (because Jeeves would just be too obvious)

  20. For the mouse on the book, he looks like Shakes-Mouse-peare and his band is called the Pussy Haters.
    Yes. yes. Shakes-Mouse-Peare and the Pussy Haters

  21. How about The Squeekful Dead? They (& you) have given me my first smile on what may be the last day of my wonderful husband’s life. Thank you!

  22. The fancy pantsy mouse band (of course this means they all need trousers now).

    In other completely unrelated news. I found you a set of taxidemied baby ducks wearing Easter bonnets. I know it is past Easter, but I feel you need them. AND they are a steal ($55 for the set)… I bet they would negotiate for leftover Easter chocolate.

  23. Ok I I have no crazy mice names, but i think this should be your homage to the Titantic Band. As Apr 15th is the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titantic, and the band played on while the boat sank, and none of them made it off alive, I think these five little mice could be in honour of them.

  24. Mice Cube.
    I’d have preferred Vanilla Mice, but it was already taken twice, so here we are.

  25. All of the 2064 people ahead of me are much more talented in the mouse-naming business than I. However, I did want to say congrats to you Jenny and Pbbbbbtttt to Victor!
    P.S. I couldn’t resist TRYING to name the band: You could name them Pound of Cheese and then individually names like Bree (Brie), Colby, Jack, Chet (Chetter/Cheddar), and Blue

  26. The Blogs

    Harry Mouz von Cheesy
    Barry Mouz von Cheesy
    Terry Mouz von Cheesy
    Larry Mouz von Cheesy
    DJ Cereal (thats the chick. she has outside interests, too)

  27. Can NOT believe I missed this the other day.

    How about:

    “Vermin 5”
    or
    “Vermin in a Box”
    or
    “Stuffed Vermin”
    I like the word “VERMIN”…saw one yesterday run under my fridge!
    Later,
    T:)

    These names are great!

  28. I didn’t have time to read through all of the 2024 other posts, but I needed to submit my name to get a chance to win. So… The Squeeking Heads with their hit song, “Our Mouse in the Middle of the Street”.

  29. Some names:

    Futhark Q. Throckmorton III
    Abernathy Grunt
    Jingles Tingleby
    Babushka “Babs” Winkleforth
    Skinny Portlington
    Conquistadorito Roquefort
    Count or Countess Rankle of East Blastingbury
    Nasty Picklingham
    Maxine Mandibles
    Gassim J. Hobblegrinder

    Duke Hashbaster and the Verminster Quartet (or Quintet, whatever, as appropriate)
    Hanta Piddles and the Eensy Teensies
    The Stretch Skinnington Band
    The Wanking Dead

  30. I know I’m late for the contest, but I at least wanted to contribute!

    This looks like a very distinguished group of mousicians, I imagine they perform under the name:
    “Topo Al (Ro)Dente”

    Surely they credit Topo Gigio from the Ed Sullivan Show, for leading the way in worldwide Italian Mouse entertainment.

  31. I realize that I am late to this party, but those damn gators scare the shit out of me.

    You bought more fucking mice? Holy fucking appetizers of doom, woman!

    Name them thus:

    Ribeye
    Filet-o-Dish
    Toothpick Weenie
    Catnip Perodoxicles

  32. you could go all bible in the hizzouze

    shadrach, mouseshak and abednigo and jezebel can intice in her new dress 😀

  33. You should name the one in the back Algernon! And you can get another one with a tiny bouquet of flowers named Charlie who bought the flowers for Algernon. It will be sweet, and sad. 🙁 Because Algernon is now trying to play his horn with his armpit and Charlie knows that he will soon follow.

    Alright, bonus points for anyone who gets THAT reference! 🙂

  34. OH! Here’s Charlie! . And he’s only $25.00 USD, so you don’t even need to worry about the pounds to stone conversion or anything!

  35. Balto.

    As in the dog from that movie about the Iditarod. I don’t even know if that’s how it’s spelled. But you can’t beat cartoon dogs saving the world. Or at least saving Alaska.

  36. Since you bought them with British pounds then should have British names. Ollie, Jensen, Finn, Angus and the female – Florence.

  37. Ya know, I never understood that taxidermy thing; but I have to say these mice are cute. In a dead sort of way.

  38. Linus . Or elphage after my grandson . Yes he lives in the south …why do you ask?

  39. I’m probably too late to win, but it’s only right that you should know (and you really SHOULD know) that these gentlemice already have names. You don’t live, die, and get taxidermied without having a name.

    The conductor is clearly the famous Sir Neville Mousiner
    The saxophone playa is Fly Coltrape (silent e)
    On the trombone we have Fab (Fabulous) Lindberg Cheese
    Flautist, Diego Ricotta
    and on trumpet, Mouis Armstrong.

    Together they are Fly and the Fabulous Fur.

    Thank you, they’ll be here all week. (Or, forever, because they are dead. And stuffed. But I mentioned that, didn’t I?)

  40. So, i’m late on reading this blog (fail!), and I don’t really want to read over 2000 comments so i’m not sure if anyone else has pointed this out (probably so, because your fans are awesome!)….But, it looks like the mouse on the right is playing a flute? It’s difficult to verify for sure since the picture is kind of small. If so, they have the flute facing the wrong side of the mouse. You play a flute on your right (i’m a flutist of 20+ years). You should get a discount for this, since there’s no way he can play proper music in the mice band like this!

    The good news is that most flute players are female, so good choice on the dress!!

  41. Ok, so after further investigation (and finally figuring out how to make the pic larger) I can now see that is a french horn and not a flute. So never mind the previous post/rant. Carry on!

  42. Here are TWO names. They were both demographer-statisticians who developed their own data analysis models still used today!

    1. Caldwell
    2. Bongaarts

  43. Let’s see if I can get it right this time. In my sick humor I think English food is a good subject for names for your dead stuffed mice. Just a thought. How about Cornish Pastie, Banger Mash, Mushy Peas, Bubble Squeek, and last but not least Toad-In-A-Hole. With that I rest my case. Leave it to the Brits to come up with the best.

  44. Motherfucker.
    One has to be named motherfucker because when someone idiot screams “EEK it’s a motherfucking mouse” you can say “Oh yes, that is motherfucker the mouse”
    🙂

  45. I think you should name one “Cruciferous”, for no other reason than it makes me giggle to picture a little mouse voice, with a little mouse lisp, saying that word.

  46. “Viktor Aqualung Cumberbatch”

    I saw his Dad in OKC in 1972.

    He was somewhat taller and had bigger sideburns.

    But the family resemblance is obvious.

    Or maybe it’s the aqualung that gives him away.

  47. Slim shadey. 50¢(or35¢¢ cuz hes mini) capone. Vanilla Ice. Flo Rida. Mary J Blige can wear the evening gown:) ….pick me!

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