Subtle bribery

in Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

I’m still in full tour mode (next stop Florida!) so to make it up to you for being MIA I’m giving out a signed copy of the UK version of my book and a signed copy of the audiobook (which includes an extra chapter, me singing the titles, and a blooper reel).  All you have to do is leave a comment saying whether you want the paper version or the audio version and I’ll randomly select some winners.

The UK edition is a tad more whimsical on the outside. Same guts though.

In other tour news, looks like I’ll be adding a few more cities to the tour so I’ll keep you posted on that.

I’m doing in-store Skype events if you happen to be in Cincinatti’s JOSEPH-BETH BOOKSELLERS May 9th or Lansing, Michigan’s SCHULER BOOKS & MUSIC on May 10th.  (They’ll have signed bookplates on-hand.)  Also, I’m signing books in person in Florida this Friday, and in Gaithersburg, MD on the 19th.  I’ll add some more dates soon, and then I’ll turn into a hermit for the rest of my life, so if you want a signed copy of my book you better strike now before I go into seclusion forever.

A huge thanks to each and everyone one of you for supporting me on this terrible and wonderful roller coaster.  I know there have been book shortages around, but the good news is that the books out right now are all first editions so if you can find one you’ve got a collectors item.  One that will probably really be worth something several decades after we’re all dead.

PS.  If you want to buy the UK version it comes out on May 10th and you can get it at Amazon UK, Waterstones, and Independent UK bookstores.

UPDATED:  Winners ~ Daryk Masterson and Rob R.  Thanks so much, everyone!

3,856 thoughts on “Subtle bribery”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I too as well as the umpteen others would like a PAPER copy of your marvelous book to be sent me /random post

  2. I would love a copy of the audio version please please please Jenny! I live in Japan so it’s quite hard for me to get paperbacks and whatnot, although my wonderful mum does send me a big box crammed full of goodies every 6 months or so. Did you know that Japanese deodorant doesn’t work? True story! Anyway, I downloaded your book on my Kindle and spent a marvellous day cackling like an old, delirious woman, much to the concern of my fellow teachers who probably thought the past few weeks had finally got to me. An audio booking of you singing would probably make my week, if not my month!

  4. Miami really isn’t Florida; we needed you in Central Florida somewhere….the land of the rat…er, uh Disney.

    Does the Canadian version have words like ‘colour’ in the book? Sometimes the meaning gets lost in the translation.

    Congrats and good luck on the rest of your tour.

  5. Pre-ordered the UK one for my daughter there. She’s the one who introduced me to your Blog. We both thing you are awesome. Save the book for someone else. I just wanted to, again, express my appreciation for your wonderful writing.

    Katy

  6. I just started reading your blog, and I have to say that I’m still cracking up at the Beyonce chicken post. So funny! I can only imagine how funny your book must be. I would love a paper copy!

  9. I’ll take the audio book, please. I already have the paper one (of course).

  10. [Singing] Iiiii want the aaaaaudio boooooook!

    (I also wonder when those book plates we all signed up for are s’posed to arrive?)

  11. Tough choice- who doesn’t love a good blooper, but the cover of the book is pretty- I’m going with paper.

  13. Audio? Paper? Audio? Paper?
    I think Paper. When you listen to Audio books on public transportation no one knows what you are listening to. If you carry around a book, you look cultivated and all growd up…well….maybe not with this book, but I’ll still take the book version thank you.

  15. My wife and I would love a print copy of the book since we already have (and have completed) the audiobook. So in picking use you A) don’t lose a sale and B) make two fans happy with one stone or book as the case may be.

  17. The paper copy! I’ll display it proudly on my coffee table and bookshelf next to my vintage Aldo Leopold and John Muir books. It’ll be like the mega awesome centerpiece of my completely random book collection.

  19. ooh ooh, audio book please!! I’ve already read the paper copy and would llllooooove to hear you tell the stories in your own voice. The voices in my head don’t do you any justice!!

  20. audio please – love the book! Please consider a tour stop in Boulder CO!

  21. Already bought the hardcopy, so may I have the audiobook, pretty, pretty, please?????

  22. Paper paper paper!! I already have the audiobook, so I know I’m spoiled, but a SIGNED COPY? Yes, please.

    Also, a side note: My dad called me tell me that he saw a chupacabra while he was taking out the trash the other day. He lives in the woods in Missouri, so it was a rare sighting, but he was unharmed.

  24. I would love, love, love the audio version. I was at Book People in Austin and I think your voice suits you!

  25. a tough choice as both have their own charm…but i am intrigued by the singing and the blooper reel, i cant even imagine what you would consider bloopers! i would cherish either, but the audio book wins my vote!

  27. Audio book please! My stuffed animals that I wish were as cool as your gently taxidermied friends may want to listen. 🙂

  28. Oh, I love the UK cover! * secretly hopes the editors sneacked some British spellings in*

  31. I bought the hard cover book in the hopes that I would be able to convince someone to get me the audio book for my upcoming birthday, so I would REALLY love the audio book. From what I have read so far the book is just as wonderful as everything you do, which makes me even more sad at the though that you won’t be making it to El Paso.

  33. Audio! I do door to door debt collections and need something to make me laugh inbetween houses so i dont kill my customers! Xoxo

  34. I would love a signed paper copy of your book. Please have mercy, I have to put my cat on Prozac!

  37. I want the audio. My hard copy just came from amazon today. I want to start reading it but I know as soon as I start it will be over too soon! Won’t want to put it down. The audio is for my husband! He’s a clone of your dad. He’s a nuisance control operator! Just last week he was trapping beavers for a local farmer. I took photos of the trapped beavers with my I-phone. I have had the BEST time asking everyone if they’d like to see a photo of my husbands beavers!!!! You should see the expressions on their faces. Course when my friends were told he was looking for beavers they thought he was on main st. You can’t make this stuff up! Love your humor! Dont stop.
    Rondi leslie

  39. Oh Oh!!!! Me! Me! I’d like the pretty, UK, paper version!!!! Please, please, please!!!!!!!

  46. The paper — love the cover. Reading is a tactile experience, kind of like sex!

    Come to Sacramento!!!!!!!!

  47. I can’t wait to hear you singing the chapter titles, so AUDIO!

    And I cannot even process the fact that you’re coming anywhere CLOSE to me… I will see you in Gaithersburg!

  49. Paper—and celebrating finding my own Beyonce yesterday! She is creating much havoc at my school… :o)

  50. I didn’t know it was possible, but the British cover is even cuter than the American one! I’d love to have either (though if I have to decide, I’d pick the book).

    Congratulations! Please, please, please plan a tour date in Seattle or Portland (or Spokane) .. if you wanted to make a visit to the tri-cities, I would even cook you dinner! I’d offer to take you to dinner, but there’s no where worth eating here.

  51. I’d love the audio version. I want to give it to my mother for Mother’s Day, but I can’t afford it (the audio version, that is, if I don’t win it I’ll buy her the a dead tree copy.)

  52. paperback, oh yes please!
    and if I am lucky enough to win I am totally playing the lotto.
    I just finished the book this week on my kindle and loved it…even my darling husband has loved the parts that I read to him.

  53. You, singing the titles? Oh man, that is too awesome even to imagine. I wonder what I could do with that? Like if I were the kind of person who could animate things, I would SO make a stop motion that would go with your song.

    Audiobook, please, (please, please, please!) and I’ll buy my own copy of the paper one. Oh wait, I already did! And I’m making my book club read it, too.

  54. Somehow that cover seems more fitting for the book. I vote for the paper! (though I’ve already read tthe US version and am now already listening to the audio… You’re welcome…)

  57. Come to Chicago! We need your awesome madness here, and I would freak out if I won the paper copy of your book!

  58. Audio!!! But how FUN is that UK cover? The Brits get all the cool stuff…..

  59. Audio please! Also, reading your book is like a trip down memory lane down to the cow arm condom, except it was a sheep and I was aiding it in giving birth. I was reading it to my bf and I had to explain it to him and he gave me a look like ” whaaaaaaat?!”. Also, you need to come to Vermont. Guaranteed attendance of 5! Give me a number, I will get people there. By force if necessary.

  63. I would love the audio! My sister gave me the paperback for my birthday and I am slowly reading it as I don’t want it to end. I would love the extras on the audio version!

  64. I just finished reading your book! Super funny!! Big fun!! I’d love the audio!

  65. Because we keep reading thought-provoking things by Anne LaMotte, and depressing things like Unbroken (I totally skipped that meeting), and we just finished the Lifeboat, so now we need something that’s more like real life. As in, totally nuts with random dead animals.

  66. Oh C’mon,
    You’re going to Lansing, Michigan and you can’t come to Minnesota? We’re way more cool than Michigan. I guarantee you would fill up the Mall of America if only you’d come sign your book here in Minneapolis.
    Oh yeah, I’d love the audio version please. But mostly, I want you to come here.
    Fondly,
    Barb in Minnesota

  68. I would LOVE an audiobook! I bought the book, but I’ve been on the waiting list at the library or the audiobook for forever!

  70. Audio! I really would love to hear that blooper reel. And the singing, of course. 🙂

  72. The whimsy of paper please! Hanging out to read your book but not sure if it will be available in Singapore

  73. Honestly? I would be whooping around my living room if I won either. Though the book cover is just delightful!

  74. Audio, please! I already own the paper version, and while I LOVE the UK version’s cover, I am dying to hear your words in your own voice. The voices in my head never sound as good as the real thing. Plue the blooper bonus would be kick-ass awesome.

  75. Goddammit, of course you’d be in Gaithersburg. That’s my boyfriend’s hometown, but he came out to live in Colorado to live with me, and now neither of us will be able to be there to see you. 😛

    But uh… I’d really super love a copy of the audiobook! Though I’ll probably try and buy a copy anyway, even if I don’t win it.

  76. Paper!
    2 of my neighbors bought your book because they heard loud snort-laughs coming from my balcony and needed to know what caused it. 6 of my friends have also bought it…which means you have 8 more fans in Seattle that would LOVE to see you…and Juanita.

  78. Aaaaahhhhhhhhh—–I LOVE THAT COVER!!!!!! (I’d like the paper version, please.) 🙂

  79. Love the cover, how come you didn’t use that one here? Paper, please!

  81. I’d be happy with either, but I do prefer paper copie of books. And that cover is brilliant!

  82. Audio please. If you get to the Seattle or Vancouver area, I’d come see you – even though I already have the book AND a bookplate.

    Enjoy your book tour. If you have plans for Italy and need a guide, I’m your gal.

  83. Oo! Pick me! I want the paper copy! On an unrelated note, you have kind eyes and great taste in taxidermy (and I’m certainly not trying to tamper with the random selection process or anything…)

  84. As tempting as the audiobook is, I have to say whimsical paper. Audiobooks are harder to eat during the apocalypse.

  85. Singing the titles? Definitely Audio! I love the book. It’s not only funnier than the Bible, it’s more informative. I can’t wait for the next one.

  86. I almost hate leaving a comment since I’ve already purchased an electronic copy and a hardback copy; however, I’d love a UK paper version. I have plenty of friends who would fight for my other copies.

  87. You are coming to MARYLAND??!!! YAY!!!!!!!! Congrats on your success. I hope I get to meet you!

    If you pick me, I’d like the paper version please.

  89. Paper 😀 I suck at listening to audio books.

    I missed you in SF – wish I could have made it 🙂 LOVE your blog!

  90. I would love to win the audio version of your book. I’ve finished the hardcover and my husband finished reading it today. We both loved it. Well done!

    Also? Please come to Boston.

  91. Rock, paper, scissors. Either. Both!! That paperback cover is bitchin’ but to hear you in audio would really bring it to life. I already have a copy and have read it, but then I could share the love with some of my lesser fortunate friends who need a good laugh more than I. Love you Jenny!

  92. Would love the paper version! Enjoy the rest of your touring!

  93. Awesome cover (Paper would be great)

    I’m glad you’re coming to Fl. I wish there was more than one stop in the state. 🙁

  94. I can’t think of anything better than kicking back with a wine slushee and listening to the AUDIO version!

  95. I would love to have either!

    Thanks for being you. You really have brightened up some rainy days for me!

  97. Paperback
    Is there ANY WAY since you will be in MD you may hit Baltimore, Delaware, or Philadelphia area? I would be there if it weren’t my daughter’s 4th birthday party. 🙁

  98. Just in case you’re not going to go anywhere else when you are in MD, I’m recruiting friends who will go in my place since I can’t skip the birthday party.

  101. I would love the audio version. I have already read the paper version two times despite it being time for finals in college. I may need to rearrange some priorities however your book is such a page turner and WAY more interesting than boring school work 🙂

  102. Audio version please!
    Come to Vermont – you would love it!

  103. SO, I already have the Kindle version, but I <3 you, and I know I would LOVE the UK version-paper please. I can't tell you the last time I bought an actual book I could hold. I will cherish it and love it and name it after an amazing diva!!!!!!!

  104. How can I choose?! I would go with paper. I love everything UK so I can read the paper book and pretend I am in London. (PS: if you read the audio book in a British accent for the UK version I would totally be down for that!)

  108. I’d like the paper book please and thank ya’ govnah’! Did that sound British? Sorry, I’m from Maine, everything sounds fancy west of Boston.

  109. I’d love the audio but I would gladly take either!

  113. paper por favor! I just watched your helpful vid re: depression and I’m so glad there are people like you out there who are open and use their popularity to help and create change. I suffered from anxiety and PPD and have been to that dark place more than I ever wish on anyone. You are an inspiration and I totally hijacked this comment thread with something completely off topic! Go me! And you, of course.

  116. I’d love the audio, but even better, I’d love to hear you read in person — come to Illinois! (C;

  120. AUDIO! I already have the book!
    PLEASE come to someplace near me! Like philly, or lancaster! OR HERSHEY PA. We have um chocolate. And snack foods. And more chocolate. And soft pretzels. And whoopie pies. And shoo fly pie!
    And now I’m hungry

  123. I cant make such a difficult decision! I want the book that I can have forever, but to hear you read it??? I could only imagine! I’m hoping you will pick me and someone more committed to their choice so you can pick for me!!!
    Please come to Phoenix !!!

  124. audio! i already have the us paper version and would love to have something to listen to on the treadmill!

  125. Dear lord, it took FOREVER to scroll down to the end of the comments! Audio please! Definitely want to hear you singing titles!!

  128. I would love the audio! Wish you were coming to Virginia on your tour!

  130. Audio, because I already have the paper edition and read it all. So it’s gone now. But in audio it would be like HAVING A WHOLE NEW BOOK!!!!

  131. Paper! Yer awesome! Does flattery help? Probably not, yer still awesome.

  132. I would love either one, but if I absolutely have to choose I choose audio. No, paper! Wait, I meant audio. No, paper definitely paper. Yeah, paper!

  133. Paper! You are wonderful! Paper! I laughed so hard I almost pee’d. Paper! Oh yes, paper was needed after the almost pee’ing. Paper! Honestly though, I laughed so hard that my side hurt. I was awesome! Paper! I want to be your friend. Paper! In a very non-creepy way. 🙂 Paper!
    Paper pleeeease!

  134. I would like the UK version of the book, please.

    Whimsy is my middle name, you know.

  135. Huzzah! Seattle, please? (She asks hopefully for the billionth time.) I would actually love the audi version because I want my husband to read your book but he usually won’t read books I recommend. Okay, he has a good reason – he’s seriously dyslexic – but I want him to love you as much as I do. Also, I’m hoping this way he’ll understand why, even though I gave in and bought your book, if you do come to Seattle (PLEASE!), I’ll prob have to buy another copy so I can get it signed! Thanks and please bring Copernicus to Seattle, he wants to hug me!

  137. I read the paper version in three days and would love nothing better than to hear your voice relaying your stories! Audio book, please!!! 🙂

  139. I just started reading the paper book about 3 days ago before bed, my daughter gave it to me as an early Mother’s Day you-have-to-read-this-now gift.

    I’m usually so busy, that having the audiobook would be easier for me to listen throughout the day.

    So, audiobook. Final answer. 🙂

  140. OOooooh! UK Version. I’ll put it right by my UK & German versions of The Secret Garden.

  141. dear Jenny,
    the paper version would be the best. birthday. present. EVER. (next to a stuffed ferret named Captain Giggly)
    hugs,
    kmack

  142. I love the cover for the UK version!! Did they not think we are whimsical enough to handle it here in the US? lol

  146. oh crap. i posted twice. erase that first one please. or maybe make it “audio” instead of “paper.” just to be fair.
    balls.
    hugs,
    k

  149. Audio! I would love to hear your dulcet tones discussing taxidermy and unauthorized penises.

  150. Audio!!! Would love to listen to on road trips with hubby!

  151. Paper… but only if you ALSO stamp a hand-print from one of your taxidermied army 😀

  152. Um…. *bites her lip* Audio. I think. Either. I would be happy with either. Gaaaah, I don’t know, existential crisis!

  154. Paper version!

    Please add some Canadian dates to your tour! We’ll give you a taxidermied beaver if you come to Toronto.

  157. I would love a paperback version so I could give it to my mom, please. I just got my hardcover in the mail and am loving it so much I don’t want to share!

  160. I would love a paper version. Relatively new reader. Thanks for making me laugh.

  162. An audiobook would be amazing. When I was reading the book, I heard it all in your voice (jeez, that doesn’t sound too creepy or anything) and bet that the real audio would be even better.

  163. Already have the download and US hardcover, would love the UK hardcover.
    Thank you.

  166. Paper please. You can give it to me when you add St. Louis to your tour dates!! (pleasepleasepleaseplease!!!)

  171. Paper! I am new to your wisdom, but I have to say that I have throughly enjoyed the blog and the book!

  172. decisions, decisions. i’ve heard rave reviews about the book and even rave-er reviews about hearing you read the book. so…i’m going with audio!!

  173. Audiobook please! I want to hear you sing the chapter titles. Thank you!

  174. I would love the audiobook!! I have already read the book (and loved it!) but I am too poor at the moment to get the the audiobook. 🙂

  176. While I would love to hear you read your own book, I’m kind of a paper freak…and that cover is AWESOME! It makes me want to doodle on my cover. But really…it’s a first edition and no doubt will be worth much more than I paid for it some day so I will not spindle or mutilate the dust jacket.

  177. Yay! You are coming to visit me! See you in Gaithersburg! And if I’m ever so lucky, I’d like paper, please. Thanks!

  179. Me, pick me. I have the market on crazy in Wisconsin. I want the paper version since in a few years the technology for the audio books will have changed and I won’t be able to listen again and again. And I promise to tell everyone about awesome you are next time I am “drunking”.

  180. The UK version’s cover looks so fun I might just have to get another copy just for kicks. 😉

  181. Audio! No one could possibly tell your story like u can. I giggle just thinking about listening to it!

  182. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE the UK version!!
    I ordered the audio book because I HAVE to hear you read your book. I already read my friends american print copy and laughed the entire way through. A little nervous about listening to the audio book in the car… but I’m not driving so maybe it will be safe?
    p.s. Thank you Jenny, for being awesome and for being open about your mental illness. Your video this week is going to be on my desktop to reference on my bad days. I had my husband watch it also, thank you for being able to explain things to him for me. <3

  184. I would love the audio version so I can listen to it in the carpool line. I don’t dare read the hardback as I would be laughing so hard that I would forget to move forward and incur the wrath of the policeman directing traffic. I guess I could get the Kindle version and have the Kindle disembodied voice read it, but it just wouldn’t be the same. I’m still laughing about your audio version of “Everybody says….”

  185. I would love either. I am not picky about free stuff. As a teacher I have learned to just say, “Yes, please.”

  187. Audio please! I would love to listen to you on my work commutes!

  188. While I’d love to hold you (er, your book), I’d prefer the audio book so I can hear the cute way you say “fuck” all the time. And I’m totally working “what the fuckness” into my daily conversations.

  189. Audio, Definitely!
    It would be awesome to have your singing voice displace the other voices in my head.

  193. Paper…audio…paper…audio…rock/paper/scissors/lizard/spock…audio wins.

  195. Since I have the plain ole American version I would LOVE the UK version. Then it’s a set.

  196. UK paper version! I already have the audiobook. Your accent is charming; especially the way you end ‘ing’ words with a cross between a and a hard sound. I don’t understand why you think your voice doesn’t fit you. How could it not? It is you. I love your work. Thank you for writing.

  197. I will take whatever you give me! Just started reading your blog and I love it! The funny you. The not so funny you. Thanks for being real and yourself! Either. Both. I’m all for it!!!!

  201. I got my copy of your book via pre-order and L-O-V-E it. Your life is the most relatably un-relateable story I’ve ever read! I am also celebrating Mom’s Day by ordering myself a passle (or is it passel? — must be passel) of stuff from your Zazzle store (hey, Zazzle rhymes with passel.. maybe it’s pazzle? ) I adore you and the others that follow you here, for all their awesomeness in helping out with red dresses, silver ribbons and the like. I am so happy to be in a place where I can support you by buying stuff from your store, then giving it away! The word must be spread! There’s no stopping the signal! *runs off to protest something, though not sure of what… #RebelWithoutAClue #XanaxSavedMyLife

  202. I pretty much need to hear you singing the titles, so audio please!

  208. That’s a toughie, but I’d have to go with…..paper!! 😀

  209. I would love the audio version. 😀 By the way, you are amazing. 🙂

  210. Already have three copies of the book but would love an audio. i SOOO would love to hear you singing the titles =)

  211. Audio! I need laughter that brings me to tears on the drive to work.

  213. Audio!! I live for bloopers.

    You are fantastic! Love the book!

  214. I should totally say the brit book so I could give it to my mom, but I totes want the audio one for meeee! Hope I win!

  215. I would love the audio version. I already ordered a copy of the book, and it will be here next week!

  216. I would like either, but I don’t know that that is a valid choice, so I officially choose the audiobook, because then I can play it when I drive my mom around (everyday) and maybe it will keep her from talking while she laughs and laughs and laughs. Hopefully. Please… anything to get her to be quiet!

  217. I would lubba lubba the book version! I’d read it to my live pets and love it to death!

  219. I don’t know why your blog is calling this a duplicate comment … except that I’m probably being completely unoriginal in my small sad attempt at humor, but I didn’t read through the 2,000+ comments, so I don’t know.

    I’ll switch it up and try again … politely now … I would be delighted to win the audio book! Pick me, random number generator! And don’t believe whatever that spambot detection doodad tells you about duplicate comments. Lies, all lies.

  221. AUDIO! Or paper – reading it to myself in a British accent might be entertaining. No, AUDIO. 🙂

  223. You must come to Portland, Oregon! The audio version would be nice.

  224. Holy cow, over 2,000 comments! I know my chances of being selected are slim, but if chosen, I would LOVE to receive an audio copy! It would be great to have something to listen to on road trips, because my husband instantaneously falls asleep whenever he’s in a car. =P

  227. YOU’RE COMING TO MY TOWN. MY OWN LITTLE GAITHERSBURG. MY TOWN!!!!!!!!! (and for your contest, I’d like the audio version since I already have the hardcopy — WHICH I’LL BE BRINGING TO THE BOOK FAIR TO HAVE YOU SIGN!!!!!!!!!!)

  230. So glad that your book has been such a great success. And paper would be lovely.

  235. OMG, i would love a copy! Audio, but I would gladly take either version! I was just thinking today that I can’t just get a kindle version like i normally would because im going to probably want to lend it to people so they can bask in the awesomeness. I havent actually read your book yet, but i have faith that its going to be a “must show to everyone” book. <3

  236. I would love a paper one. The audiobook sounds brilliant, but my partner is in hospital post surgery at the moment and I feel the surly old man in the next curtained off area would not be able to appreciate Hamlet von Schnitzel the same way via audiobook.
    Also, doesn’t Hamlet von Schnitzel just look totally in his element in the UK cover? he is all like “Thus it is so destined, that I am the most DRAMATIC, Bitches!”

  237. I would give REAL money to hear the audio version of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened”…oh wait, I’m trying to get a copy for free…

  238. I’m torn. I want the audio one, to see if you sound the same as the Jenny in my head. I’m also scared I won’t be able to tell the audio version apart from the Jenny already in my head. Like identical voice twins. They’ll start playing tricks on me. Oh, wait. I think they already are playing tricks.

    Maybe, you should give me the UK paperback. As I read it, I can create a British Jenny voice in my head, so I can tell the two voices apart. Oh, wait. What’s to keep them from switching places on me too? Darn identical voice twins! They’re too sneaky.

    Maybe, you should just do a small book signing at our office in NC? We have a kitchen which can hold several giant platters of nachos & a ton of booze (I work in a small law firm. Alcoholism is kind of expected). Plus, we have three bathrooms and several desks for you to choose from should you need a place to chill. I can direct you to the best one of each. Pretty please? Will you come?

  239. I would really enjoy the audio book, and to hear the titles sung!

  241. Paper please . . . because I think I will die if I do not have a book with that cover. Though audio would be handy too. If you give me one, it is likely that I will buy the other.

  242. Audio audio audio. Please, I need something I can listen to on my headphones while my adorable one and two year olds scream my name at the top of their lungs in falsetto because I can’t seem to cook dinner fast enough for their liking.

  244. Paper, please! Can’t wait to put Hamlet on my office desk and tell the entire world how great your book is!
    You rock Lady-you really rock!!!
    Thanks!

  247. Audio Version! I spend much too much time in the car, plus I want to hear your lovely voice.
    A

  248. Paper or audio, I’m really not picky – they both sound equally hilarious! Wish I wasn’t so far away in Australia so I could come to one of the stops on your tour!!

  251. I’d love the paper version. I love that font! How come everything in England is better than we’ve got here? All the guys have sexy accents and you can take a freaking underground train to France to buy wine. And now they’re flaunting their font superiority. Bastards.

  252. I need the book version. You see Justin, my new hubby (you know him as fatelvis04@gmail.com from Beaumont, TX) really wants to read your book, but I bought the Kindle version, and I’m reading it on my Kindle on my lunch hour. So he may never get to read it because it’s my Kindle and I need it. He doesn’t have a Kindle. Only books. It’s very complicated.

  253. As much as I LOVE LOVE the UK version paper copy, I just ordered a copy for myself, so audiobook please 🙂

  257. Omg you SING the titles?!?!? Audio audio audio!!!! I would die!!!!!!!

  258. I am new to your blog and LOVE IT! An audio version of your book would be awesome. 🙂

  259. Is the UK version of the audiobook you with a British accent? It doesn’t need to be said, but that would be all manner of fun.
    I’d love the audiobook. It would match my book. And, strangely, my eyes…

  260. I love the design of the UK version, but I would love to own the audio version even more. That way I could keep it on my iPhone all the time and listen to bits when I was having a bad anxiety day. 🙂

  263. Audio please!
    I love reading everything you write and I personally think that you are amazing. Thank you for all that you do, I don’t think you realize how many times you have saved me from tumbling back into a dark place.
    Also, I think you should book tour in Chicago. Or Milwaukee. Or anywhere remotely close to there. I will seriously drive 5 hours just to meet you, but you have to come to the Midwest! Please and thank you 🙂

  264. Paper for shizzle!! I have heard your book is fantabulous!!!

  265. Why didn’t the US get a more whimsical cover!? I’m jealous! I would love the book, please! 😀

  266. I would love the paper version! The cover of the UK version is quite festive. 🙂

    I’m really hoping that Chicago is on your tour itinerary!

  269. So would love the UK book. I’m broke, and I’m like number 502 on the request list at the library, and I AM DYING TO READ THIS BOOK. I need to read this book.

  270. The road to the finish line is littered with the blood of slow villagers. I dont want to be one want to be one of those slow villagers. PLEASE pick me for the audio book. And i already bought two books as gifts for others.

  271. Paper please, but if I win, which I doubt is possible, and all you have left is audio… I’d love it almost as much. Thanks!

  272. Audio!!!

    I would gladly trade you the audio for this lovely bag of magic… It’s invisible… DON’T JUDGE ME!

  278. Ooh, paper please! I’m digging the font they used on the UK cover.

  279. Paper. Otherwise I’ll never get to know what is in it with my 3 kids always around. I lock myself in the bathroom with a good book and read while I pretend to tend to my bodily functions for lengthy periods of time. Don’t tell my library. Pretty sure taking library book into the restroom is against the rules.

  280. Audio please!!! I have already bought your paper copy and adore it!!! It would be the bee’s knees to have the audio book as well!!!

    P.S. Please come to Canada for a book signing. Your Canadian fans love you too!!!

  281. I would love to have the paper version. That font on the cover is adorable.

  283. I would LOVE to have the paper book. It is something I want to keep forever!

  284. Paper, please. Thank you for making the world a bit brighter and a whole lot funnier!

  285. I lived in Surrey for 4 years, and there is a lovely American community that would be thrilled to have you visit! Summer is not a good time, as all the ex-pats head back across the ‘pond’, but I could introduce you to a fabulous independent bookseller in Cobham. Please let me know if I can help you make some local connections. Love the book! All the best, now and always!

  288. Its hard to decide, but I’d have to say the audiobook. I have depression so I think listening to it and hearing the blooper reel would be sure to make me laugh (which I desperately need most days)!

  289. The paper version! Seriously, that cover looks like it came straight out of Narnia. You know, if Narnia was full of dead mice holding skulls. Which kind of would have made for an even better read, now that I think about it. Ok, so for your next book, I request a retelling of the Chronicles of Narnia, but with dead mice instead of children, and maybe like, an ancient near-toothless cat instead of a lion. Also, there should probably be some unicorns in there, because really we’re too far down the rabbit hole to stop now.

  290. I would love the audio book to hear your dulcet tones singing out the titles!

  291. From one Texan Jenny to another: may I please have the audio book? LOVED the book, by the way!

  294. Um, I just want to hear the muscial version of the book, so definitely Audio.
    P.S. I read the e-book version on a flight to San Diego today whilst sitting next to two middle-aged women who became less chatty with each other when I got to the chapter about needing an Arm Condom. I giggled. They decided to stop getting up to go to the bathroom every five minutes. Being that I was in the aisle seat, I appreciated that they were suddenly cured of their incontenence. So, thanks. 🙂

  295. Oooh, pick me, pick me! I’ve got to get my hands on your audio book, one way or another!

  296. You are so authentically hilarious! I would love to hear the audio version now that I have read the e-book 🙂

    Please never stop being you! (and sharing it with us)

    Rebecca

  297. Audio please! I read the paper version and LOVED it. My favorite title name is Why Neil Patrick Harris would make a good mass murderer. God I love NPH. I bet he smells like glitter and lube.

  298. Audio please. Oh and tell Ferris Mewler he’s hot! I have a crush.

  299. forgot the http:// on my website.

    You are so authentically hilarious! I would love to hear the audio version now that I have read the e-book 😀

    Please never stop being you! (and sharing it with us)

    Rebecca

  301. I would love the audio version, even though I read everything you write in your voice any way.

  302. I want the paper version!!!!!!!!!! (but will be just as stupid excited for the audio version! Please and thank you!)

  304. Oh, I SO want the audio version so I can listen to it while I drive 5 hours to see my fiance… I’ll risk the accident I might have from laughing so hard. 🙂 Thanks for the chance to win!

  305. Audio, please! My book arrived today. Can. Not. Wait. to read it.

  306. Another dreary comment hoping for an audio book and BEGGING YOU TO COME TO TORONTO.

    Ahem. Lost a little of my Canadian composure, there. So sorry.

    Do come to Toronto.

  308. I read your book non-stop and you are truly wonderful! If I had the paper UK version, I could lend the US one out to everyone. Love to you and Victor, too.

  310. Oh, that’s a tough choice! I think I would like the paper version…there’s just something about turning the pages of a book that makes it more exciting. Also, it has a taxidermied rodent on the cover acting out Shakespear…and you can’t get more boss than that.

  315. Audio please! I would LOVE to hear you talking about the deer sweater. I think I cried (with laughter) for 24 hours each time I visualized it! Pleeeeeease come to Canada. Toronto would be great! :o)

  316. Ooh, Ooh, audio book! Already read the paper version. Loved it!

  319. I would *love* to have the audiobook!!

    I would also like to say that I love you so very much. You are one of my favorite people ever!!! Thank you for everything. Really.

  321. Audio please. I adore your voice! Love that you got praise form Augusten Burroughs on your very whimsical euro cover. Squeeeeee! Total fangirl!

  322. I opened this as I was doing facebook stuff, and sidetracked me read “subtle bribery” then your first line “I’m still in full naked mode” and my head went…”wait, why are people bribing her to get naked????” and then I read it again and realized that I was completely wrong…and a little disappointed that you didn’t have a good story about being bribed to get naked on your tour…
    And because it’s you bribing us with awesomeness…I’d like the audio. 🙂

  324. Would love the audio version. I have a horribly long commute and having the opportunity to listen to you while I drive would actually make me enjoy the drive!

  326. Paper! Pretty pleeeeeeeeease. Who would not want that whimsical cover?? I have been reading your hysterical tome to my hubby. He has cancer and hearing him laugh is the most wonderful thing. You have no idea how many sleepless nights and tiring days your humor has gotten me through. 🙂

  328. Paper please, I have the version on my Nook i can’t wait to read but my kids decided to get sick.

  329. Audio please. or maybe just a copy of the blooper reel. I’m sure that’s pure awesome.

  330. Paper please! or audio…or paper…or…decisions, decisions… 😉

  333. Oohhhh! I totally want to hear TheBloggess reading to me. Audio version please.

  334. You are really going to make me choose? That is so unfair. And downright unBloggessy. But I guess I’d have to go with audio. And only because you sing. That’s some furiously happy kind of shit.

  335. Audio please, because even though I personally like paper, how can singing possibly be passed up??

  336. Audio! Or Print. I already have the Ebook but I’d love hear you read it. But I’d also like to share the print book with friends!

  338. I’m old school – I prefer tree books, so the paper version one please!!!

  339. If possible, the audio would be wonderful. I loved the book! I literally fell off my couch laughing and cracked part of my kindle case, it was that awesome! Great job!

  341. Paper, please. Also, I wish I was in the part of Florida where you will be. 🙁

  342. Audio copy, gurl! I was in Dallas while you were in Austin and Austin when you were in Dallas! IThe audio version to hear your awesome voice or a personalized trip down here either one would be fine as restitution 🙂

    Love your work!! Keep on keepin’ on, gurl.

    – Kate

  343. Audio please! I’ve already read the book and heard your voice in my head anyway…would love to ACTUALLY hear you tell your stories! AND…I’ve begged a time or two, but I’m going to shamefully beg again — could you PLEASE add the Pacific Northwest to your tour? Boise, Portland, Seattle…or a little town in Northeast Oregon where I might happen to live, perhaps???? <3<3

  346. aw why is the UK one so fancy, I like it so I choose the the UK version

  348. I will take the audio version, because I am Lazy and would rather be read to, you can read me bed time stories. =)

  349. I would love the Paperback, but whom ever get’s this gift will be blessed. YOU are amazing and loving and you make my rainbow shine just a little bit brighter Just being a part of my virtual world. THANK YOU for everything you do. YOU are MY Inspiration Mrs. Lawson.

  350. I already have the U.S. hardcover, and the Kindle edition, so I would love to have the audio version, too! Love the book!!

  353. Paper, please! I can use it to squash rodents and send them to you!

  354. Audio book…So when my kids hear it in the van it will be in your voice instead of mine. I wonder what they will grow up remembering as I read the hardback copy to them as a bedtime story 🙂 I bet their child hood memories will be awesome!

  355. I would love the paper version. Today’s my birthday and it would be a great present.

  356. Paper, please — especially if there are lots of extraneous “u”s. I love how greedy they are with their vowels.

  357. Audio book, please ^_^ After hearing you speak in San Angelo, I would love to hear you read the whole book.

  358. I soooo need the audio version of this book! Your delivery is one-of-a-kind!!!

  359. The audio book, please! We actually already bought it, and then listened to the first half on a road trip, but now it’s on my husband’s phone and I haven’t been able to finish it! So clearly I need my own copy. 🙂

  360. Audiobook!!! Also, please for the love of bacon,please come to Portland. We have Powell’s. It’s a bookstore that encompasses an entire city block. And rain. We have lots of rain.

  363. I would like an audio book, please, ma’am, because I’m a knitter and I like to listen to things while I knit. And just in case I accidentally laugh too hard and spray snot all over my knitting, well, I’ll make sure to be working on a gift.

  364. OMG OMG you’re coming to Lansing MI and that’s AN HOUR FROM MY HOUSE!!!!! I will fucking be there! woot!!!!

    also, paper.

  365. You could bribe me with the audio version! I really want to hear that blooper real. 😉

  366. I normally would say paper, because I still like bending spines of real books. but I really really want the full effect of the jokes having them read by you the way they are supposed to sound. 🙂

  368. Paper!! Nothing like good ol’ paper!! Plus, I really wanted to know, is the book out in stores in India any time soon?!? Been looking for it!!!

  369. OMGOMGOMGPAPER! PAPER! PAPER YAY!

    (if Australia is outside your postal limits, you can send it as a gift to my mom in Minnesota. she NEEDS your book!)

    and thank you. 🙂

  371. Well, maybe after you die. I doubt it will go up when I kick. Audio, please. Thank you.

  372. Ohhh are you doing international postage? I’m in New Zealand and would love the audio version

  373. Madame, I would kindly and courteously request the version of your (mostly-true) memoirs in the version which may be heard audibly rather than the version available visually on trees which once lived in a distant forest I shall never visit. That is, of course, should my entry be chosen. Elsewise, I shall be forced to continue locking myself into a small dark closet with a camping lantern and continue reading the printed American version I currently own, giggling, trembling, and peeing myself with laughter.

    Thank you for your kind consideration.

  375. Comment number 2282??! You sure it’s random? Won’t help if I say something funny? Like Aardvaark?? I would LOVE a paper copy. I can but dream …

  377. i bought the kindle version of your book but getting the opportunity to grab a copy in British English is just too much to pass up. You see, I’m Australian and there’s a certain satisfaction to spelling hints with “s”s instead of “z”s and adding a “u” here or there that my American colleagues and friends are not expecting. This book would be shared – a LOT. Paper version please.

  379. Audio please! Please pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
    pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
    pleasepleasewithacherryontopI’llbeyourbestfriendforeverpleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease………………………………………………………

  380. Probably waaaaaaaaay too late to the party but I’d love a signed paper copy!

  381. As awesome as the audio version sounds, I think I would like the paper version. Mostly because my husband says I don’t listen for shit, and I’d really hate to find out that he’s right.

  385. I just got my copy of the book today. I’m so excited I’m still just looking at the cover periodically and stroking it. I think I’ll start reading tomorrow. LOL

  386. paper version, pretty please.

    (I’m hoping your Random Winner Generator appreciates manners.)

  387. I don’t have anything witty to say… BUT, I did have to scroll FOREVER to get to the bottom so I could leave a comment. Does that count? I would love the audio version, well, if i’m honest with myself, I would love the signed UK version of your book too. But thats just being greedy. I have been waiting to read the book until after this horrible semester is over, because I want to enjoy and read it in all its wonderful bloggessy glory. I can’t wait. I think you are amazing.

  392. Audiobook please, because I’m buying the ebook version next week to take on a trip!

  399. Audio ! Does it count I met you at the float auction in Kyle?

  400. I already devoured the paper version- it was delicious. I’d love to hear the audio! (To be clear, I didn’t actually eat the paper one. I meant, like, I ate it with my mind. Absorbed the meanings into my brain-parts. I- oh, nevermind. If I win, could I have the audio version, please?)

  403. oooh , I like that cover, but I think i;d rather hear you read the audio version to me. Just me. ok , that’s was wierd!

  407. I would love an audio version, because your voice is like a clear ringing bell of joy. And I’ve already read your book three times, partially because I’ve packed all my other reading material. AMAZING!

  408. Audio… No paper… Wait….. Seriously, either one would be awesome since I would probably just go out and buy the other one anyways. I just want a signed copy since I won’t make ir anywhere on your tour.

  409. FANCY PAPER BOOK omg. I have no reason other than it is very fancy. I am a boring comment person. 🙁

  410. AUDIO VERSION….pretty please.

    I’m awesome, you’d like me. 😉

  411. Paper, please! Can I have the UK version? Although, if you’re doing an english accent in the audio, then I’m all for that, too!
    So excited! I put your book in my birthday wish list, but none of my friends got it 🙁

  412. I would love the audio version! I’ve just finished reading the paper book, and if I had the audio book, I could re-read it a dozen more times while I’m running errands and exercising and working. I’ll probably cause people to think I’m crazy because I’ll be giggling maniacally, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take!

    Love the cover of the UK version!