My grandparents would be very proud. Maybe.

in I am totally overrated, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

You guys.  My book has now been translated into Czech, which is awesome because my dad’s parents are Czech and if they were still alive I think they would be very proud.  Or they’d change their names and pretend they were Bolivian.

I never know what the covers are going to look like so it’s always a surprise.  This one is a particular favorite because I’m pretty sure they dressed up a live mouse in a Shakespearean costume, and also because it literally has the word “fuck” scrawled right on the front cover.  That’s not something I did myself.  The cover is intentionally vandalized.  And that is awesome.

letspretendthisneverhappened

I think it translates to “Fuck.  This is true?”  Which?  Fair enough, I guess.

Apparently it’s getting good reviews, although I can’t read them because I don’t speak Czech.  But I did do a translation of one of them and this paragraph was pretty explanatory:

“When the snake looks like a rattlesnake and still has before him an armed to the teeth mother, it’s the same as if you were in front of the cop and pulled out a fake gun. In both cases you are expecting nothing but death. Texas is a state where they once banned sodomy and oral sex, but calmly here in the name of passion hunting is tolerated when guys smell like skunks.”

So, yeah.  NAILED IT.

PS. This could never have happened without your amazing support so as a small token of thanks I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book in whatever language you want.  Or an autographed copy of someone else’s book.  Or a banana.  You want me to sign a banana?  ‘Cause I can do that.  You need a cake?  Whatever you want really.  Just tell me what you want in the comments and I’ll randomly pick someone to send an autographed hamster or whatever it is you need.

lptnhintl

UPDATED:  Okay, I’m sending signed weird things to several of you but the actual winner is Karen Martin, who made me cry a little with her comment:

One of my last favorite fabulous days with my mother was sitting on the beach raeding your book right when it came out. I was laughing so hard at everything and mom asked what was so funny? So I started reading aloud the part I was reading at that moment and mom grabbed the book out of my hands and proceeded to read the entire book! She loved it and once I got it back, so did I! Mom suffered from six strokes shortly thereafter and held on for almost a year after. I was blessed with the gift of caring for her during that time and would read your book to her wvwn though she couldn’t outwardly respond. I know she was laughing inside though. In her memory, I would love a book signed to her, Claudette, so I can always see a visual of the love we shared and all the laughter! You rock, Jenny, and you rocked my mom’s world, too!

Thank you so much for sharing that, Karen.  Check your email.

 

736 thoughts on “My grandparents would be very proud. Maybe.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What? The Canadian version isn’t “Let’s pretend this never happened, eh hosers?”

    A signed copy of your book printed in English (signed howthefuckever you want) would be awesome.

  5. I think just an autographed book would be sufficient. I mean, I don’t think a hamster would like being scrawled with marker, plus then we’d have to deal with the SPCA and possibly PETA, and then it goes way beyond just a gesture and possibly in to red paint being thrown around.

    Yeah, an autographed book would work.

  6. I loved your book. I read it on a road trip and good weird looks from my husband for laughing out loud.

  7. I’m in the middle of writing my own book. Can you autograph a fake acceptance letter, pretending you’re an acquiring editor who loves it? Then I won’t have to feel bad when real publishing professionals turn me down.

  8. I got a very well loved, dog-eared copy of your book from a friend that had gotten it from a friend that had gotten it from a friend. It was our very own Sisterhood of the Traveling Jenny. I would love a copy of the Czech book! it is by far the most fabulous cover!

  9. I once watched the Czech version of “The Notebook” while on some godforsaken bus to Karlovy Vary. My recollection is that they pronounced “Noah” as “Nowaaayy!” So keep that in mind if you do the audio for this one.

  11. I have a copy of your book.. and the audio book (Because laughing hysterically makes being stuck in traffic almost bearable), but I don’t have an autographed copy. That would be awesome.

  13. I could use an autographed thousand dollar bill, but in lieu of that, a signed copy of your book in English would just make my whole month

  14. I think just an autographed book would be sufficient. I mean, I don’t think a hamster would like being scrawled with marker, plus then we’d have to deal with the SPCA and possibly PETA, and then it goes way beyond just a signature and possibly in to red paint being thrown around. Also not sure if the postal service accepts angry marker-stained hamsters.

    Yeah, an autographed book would work. Less messy and much less complicated.

  15. I would love an autographed copy of one of your favorite books! I think there is something fantastic about sharing a favorite book with someone.

  16. If there is a kindle version I’d love one! I had the print version but my asshat of an ex threw it away with all the other stuff I left at his apartment! I just bought my mother a kindle and I know she’d enjoy reading your book as much as I did!
    Kindle because she can’t see well and I have the text blown up to HUGE for her and she’s loving reading again!

  18. A signed banana would be awesome – I think you can still just slap some postage on it and send as is.

  20. You have to admit the flying bat mouse surrounded by pink is glorious. A signed hardcover UK edition is sufficiently frightening for no good reason. Sign away mein fräulein.

  21. Me! Me! Pick me! Pretty sure you cannot mail a banana to Canada, so how about a book in French?

  23. I’m pretty sure your dad’s parents would just nod knowingly and then tell stories of the time they found a live rattlesnake in his underwear drawer (oh wait – that was my uncle and he was force feeding it bacon). I’d take a signed Czech – see what I did there?

  24. Please sign it “I’m so glad you provided the Fiesta Medal in my honor that had the glitter that was on the fake nipple, because you can’t make that shit up!!”
    Kathryn

  27. I’m a fan of the Polish. Let’s go with that one. I don’t enjoy bananas anyway.

  28. The Polish bear cover is the greatest thing that has ever happened. Apart from you possibly signing it with bear jokes. Possibly involving Popes. (I mean, I’ve been looking for SOMETHING worthy of my mantle.) #Beardana2015

  29. I would take a signed bottle of wine or vodka….because let’s face it-that kills two birds with one stone and how cool would it be to take pictures of that and post,tweet etc-and I mean how many signed books does a person really need????

  30. I would like a copy of your book! Maybe the one with ‘fuck’ on the cover because that’s awesome! But I can’t read Czech so maybe one in English to replace the one I loaned out and never got back. Or maybe you could send me some chocolate chip cookies? I’d prefer the kind that are warm and just out of the oven. 🙂

  31. Almost have to go with the autographed hamster…but no, since it just would not go with my current decor. And my husband would finally have proof I’m insane. But a book by you, autographed by you? Sign me up. English version preferred but not mandatory.

  32. Would love a new version of the us release signed. ..I had a copy, once and I lent it to some book thief. .. they loved it so much they kept it, and we made a silent agreement to never speak of it again. I think that’s what we agreed to. ..I mean, it WAS silent.

  33. You are phenomenal, just not as phenomenal as your various covers. Can you just purchase me a bottle, or better yet a box of wine, autograph it, and FedEx that bitch to my house, along with a book? You can sign the book too, just not with your own blood. K thanks.

    I live in a dry county and the liquor store is 45 minutes away, I am trying to limit myself to one shopping trip a month, 2 carts max.

    I should note that I do not want an empty box/bottle of wine, I know how selfish you are.

  34. I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to send produce to Canada, just like we can’t send Kinder Eggs to the US. (More chocolate and toys for us.) So I’d like an autographed copy of the book. Right now I have the audio book which is awesome because you do all the fun vocal emphasis and read the footnotes,but a real book is awesome.

  36. I think an autographed copy of the Czech book would be fun. I could randomly translate a paragraph here and there. Because Texas and skunks and sodomy, oh my!

  37. O Bloggess, please send me an autographed jackalope. I don’t care if it’s living, taxidermied, drawn, or what have you. I have always loved the humbly mysterious and wildly underrated jackalope, and my life would be complete if you autographed one for me.

  38. Oooh oooh, a banana! No wait I don’t like bananas and they go bad….unless you can taxidermy (taxidermate?) a banana so it lives forever?

    Barring that, I’d love a signed copy of the German version because I lived in Germany for three years, your book is a favorite of mine (alongside Good Omens and Dandelion Wine), and this way, I won’t forget my German language skills!

  39. Eeek! I would love a signed copy of your book. That way I don’t have to hunt down my brother and give him noogies until he gives my copy back.

  40. Would you send an autographed (or not) book to a library? Cause that’s who keeps all of my books. Tiny house, gotta store them nooks somewhere!

    Congrats Jenny, you deserve every success and happiness!

  42. A signed version of the Czech book would earn a place of honour on my bookshelf!

  43. This is the most epic book cover ever. I however would take a signed copy of your book in English, or as someone tried to tell me once, ‘The Mother Tongue’. Ew.

  45. Now I want to turn that translation back into Czech and then back into English, just for funzies. And, I would love an autographed book in English! I would love your John Hancock on anything.

  47. I would love an autographed English copy. I got the book but i gave it to my sister to read and I don’t know if I will ever get it back.

  50. You taught me how to write secret messages on bananas, so I’m tempted to ask for your autograph on one. Or maybe a photo of your autograph on one? As an alternative, since I already have a copy of your book, I’d go for the Czech one just so I could have a book with the word “Fuck” on the cover. Either that or an English-English copy. Like a reverse Harry Potter (which was translated into American English so we would understand that “motorbike” means “motorcycle”), I’d be interested to know how the English translated you into their language.

  52. I would totally take a banana, except I live in Maui and get them for free from my mother-in-laws tree and I already have too many, so if you want some bananas or a pineapple I could totally possibly send you some, anyways, book please, English or French 🙂

  53. You know they’re proud! And so are we! I’ll take a signed copy of whatever is handy and makes you laugh hardest.

  55. The Czech edition looks awesome second to the Polish. Either would be a great addition to the collection.

  56. I already have your book and loved it! I am,however, desperately without a soup satchel!

  57. What I really want is to figure out how to send my daughter to college, but because I’m sure your magic wand is broken, I’ll settle an autographed English version.

  58. Oh, man, a signed copy of your book in english would be amazing! though…the signed hamster, we’re not talking a live one, right? because i’m not really in a position to have pets.

  59. That cover is fffabulous!
    Regular (well, Texan) English, pls, for me!
    But if you pick me, since I have a copy which is on my phone and is therefore with me most of the time, I’d be willing to take karma points instead, if there is someone who doesn’t yet have their own copy. 🙂

  60. I’d like a signed copy in English… I actually just finished reading your book. Omg, made me laugh and made me feel better about me.

  61. Though the Czech version is quite tempting, I’d be so happy with the US copy. Or an already paid for nanny. Thanks!

  62. I love how the books have different covers, I assumed when they reprint in a different language they just do that, but I like the variety!
    Can you sign a pillow?

  64. I’d love a signed anything from a giant metal chicken on down. Really though, just wanted to say congrats on the latest version! Cheers!

  66. Does fuck translate as fuck? What if fuck is really duck in Czech. Maybe Siri is Czech and that’s why she wants me to talk about mother ducks. A book in Englisn would be awesome.

  68. I’d certainly be happy with a copy in Czech, Polish or Turkish. Or a signed Polish Turkey. Or a Czech’ered Turkey. But no hamsters or bananas, pls. They creep me out.

  69. Maybe a signed copy to any psychiatric clinic of your choice? To offer support and smiles to even one person on a dark day.

  70. Well, if you’re insisting on autographs going out, I would love one of your books in English. 🙂 I would normally try harder for wit, but it’s late and I’m lazy. The eternal struggle. When is your next book coming out?

  71. Maybe you could drive over to the Czech Stop and ask them for some help? And some delicious foods?

  72. I would love a book signed by you, Ferris Mewler, Juanita, Garfield, Knives, and the whole cast. Paw prints are acceptable if they feel lazy. Finger prints are acceptable if you feel lazy and might one day need to be identified by the police as the smoking corpse wearing only one shoe and holding a taxidermy frame in the middle of the Texas wilderness where you were obviously holding a seance in memory of your dear father when a sudden lightning strike came out of nowhere and turned you into beef jerky with skinny kneecaps. Ya know, if you want to be prepared like that. I got your back. Or more accurately your fingers.

  73. I am from Czech republic and my father bought this amazing book for me as christmas gift. He is little bit crazy. Like “i was kidnapped by UFO”.
    He loves snakes and half of our house was made for snakes and equipment..
    Thanks a lot for this book. Now I know, that I am not alone! Really.

  74. Please send me a copy inscribed: To the best person I know, without you I would be lost. Please make lasagna tonight.
    And as a side note, you are awesome

  75. I want an autographed copy in English because this is my go-to “depression lies and DO NOT TAKE THOSE PILLS” book (and has worked every time). 2014 was a hard year; a new copy would be nice.

  76. I wouldn’t say no to an autographed taxidermied armadillo dressed like a musketeer. But doesn’t everyone want one of those?

  77. The Czech book is amazing. But why the Polish bear? Do they have something against mice there? Did a mouse-bear focus group decide that a Polish bear would sell better? Humans are weird. Congrats on the translation!

  78. I need a signed double unicorn success club shirt, for when I am in public and want to be left the fuck alone. (i.e., every day)
    Or just an ARC of your next book. Eh? Eh? Yes! You definitely want to send me an ARC. You are getting sleeepyyyyy. Very sleepyyyy. You want to send me an ARC. snap YES YES DO IT!

  79. I’d love an autographed copy of the UK hardback edition. First of all the font is fancy. I like to pretend I’m fancy. In full disclosure, I often use the word “fancy” to mean “tipsy”. Second, I already have the American version and it would suck if I mixed them up and loaned my autographed copy to that one friend who never returns things. Also, if you could sign it as if you are as close, personal friend, that would be great. Maybe make a reference to “that time we got SO crazy, you remember, I can’t put it in writing, wink wink.” That’s all for now. If I win we can have a long discussion about my other requirements. Or we can just talk. Like girlfriends. I’m here for you, boo.

  80. I really, really, really, REALLY, need a copy of your book (in English, if you please), but I really, really, really, REALLY don’t need an autographed hamster because my beagle would probably try to eat it.

  81. That is awesome! You are such an amazing person! I would love a signed ferret! If the ferret won’t work I would love a copy of the German edition.

  82. An autographed box of laxatives. That way I can say that Jenny Lawson always moves me. Or “I’ve released a heavy burden, thanks to Jenny Lawson.”

  83. I have a signed bookplate for the regular American English version of the awesomeness that is your book, so I guess what I really need now is an autographed David Tennant/Tenth Doctor holding the Czech version.

  84. OK, so really, what I’d really REALLY want is a copy of YOUR book (in English, please, preferably the American version so I can “hear” you talking in my head, and if that’s weird, then so are you, so get over it) but I’d like YOU to PERSONALLY vandalize the front of it with the word “Fuck” in a way similar to how the Czech book was done, with like a Sharpie or something, and please to be initialing that shit for legitimacy, and then an autograph to “My favorite non-stalker stalker sisterfriend, with lots of warm fuzzies in a totally asexual non-polygamist way, love and bananas, Jenny” though, really, you can do the part with your name however you want or are accustomed to, though I’d prefer a non-rubber stamp version, because THEN people would tell me that I’d just made it all up, which I MIGHT JUST HAVE TO DO IF YOU CHOOSE SOMEONE ELSE. Which isn’t creepy or wrong AT ALL. I know you get this. We COMMUNICATE. OK, that was too far. Clearly time for the meds. Mine. My meds. For me. Not you. Not that meds are bad, not that I’m implying that you might need meds, regardless of their goodness or badness or anything else, just that CLEARLY it is time for ME to take MY MEDICATION. Thank you for your consideration. 😀

  85. Oh my, I would love a copy of your book if it’s been translated into Hindi. That would be amazing.
    If not, I’d totally take the banana.

  86. I would totally love it if you would sign a copy for my dog Lance, he makes me laugh every day as much as your book did when I read it.

  87. Love your book. I’ll take any funny book signed. Like Amy Poehler’s new one. Your book has been awesome in dealing with stupid days at work. I need a new day job.

  88. I’d pick a signed copy of your book, cause the banana would go bad and my daughter would probably throw it out and we haven’t had much luck with hamsters over the years.

  90. I would love a copy of your book in English! Also, I just wanted to say thank you for your writing. You have been a huge inspiration to me in my own struggles with mental illnesses. Thank you.

  91. I would love an autographed English copy. I have it on my Kindle and love it. Can’t wait for your next book!

  92. Oh please I love languages!!!!! I want it in Hebrew! Unless it’s not available in Hebrew…. Then something else! To go with my Carrie Fisher signed book! I love crazy people like me!!!

  93. What I want…? wow.
    I already have an autographed copy, so if you pick me, I’ll send it to your favorite PNN blogger.
    Ok…here’s what I want…
    You need to come over to my house for dinner next time you come to Seattle. I’ve already started buying wine, so don’t worry.
    Now, all you suckers can quit commenting now because that book is MINE, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!

  95. I so adored your English version and gave it to a horrible relative who bashed it. I’m broken over this, because I love you, and she is horrible. If I could but have a
    nother copy with your paw print on it I would feel so much better. Thank you.

  98. My mom broke both of her feet today (no shit), so can you send her a signed copy in English that says, “seriously, Gail?”

  99. I simply want that translation framed to hang in my house, just so I can see people ‘s reactions when they read it.

    (And so I can walk up, read it, & laugh whenever my snarky 15 year old makes me want to stand in front of a cop & pull a fake gun.)

    Seriously.

  100. no thank YOU… I’ve had your book on my kindle since I bought it and I’ve used it to entertain people while waiting in the emergency room.. Because funny stories always help when things are shitty… And my stories aren’t nearly as funny as yours, or the way you tell them. So again, thanks for that.. Many sad and shitty hours became less sad and less shitty thanks to you.

  101. I was going to say something witty about your book. But I just saw the anatomical gummy bear which I have been drooling over too and now I must go shop for silly things!

  102. I’d love an English version … With a signed Beyoncé picture, and maybe even special delivery instructions requiring the ups guy to come to my door and say “knock knock motherfucker”….or a truckload of chocolate, that would be cool too.

  103. That Czech review nailed it. I love it. I’d also love an autographed English version of your book. I am anxiously awaiting your 2nd book to add to my collection as well!

  104. Awwww damn, just went back and realized it’s not an entry and we need to get specific with our demands. My dream would be to get the one translated in French, for my ‘pen-pal’ of 30 years who has been sending me the most moving accounts of everything that is going on in her area around the aftermath of the Charlie Hebdo attacks. I think she could seriously use something hilarious to take her mind off of it all. Plus after hearing my stories about growing up in Idaho through all of our childhood letters, I think that your book would give her a fun perspective of what my new life in Texas is like (although your childhood sounds remarkably similar to mine growing up in southern Idaho…..)
    Congrats on the new book – such an accomplishment – I can’t wait to read it.

  105. I would like a copy of the book in Spanish. A inscription that included a multilingual listing of swear words would help me improve my vocabulary. I’m trying to learn Spanish so this would encourage me to study.

  106. You have such an amazing following that I rarely feel the need to submit something original. Inevitably, someone has said it. But this. This. man. I NEED this book. Read your book in english? /done it /loved it. But this one has Fuck scrawled on the cover by the publisher. As the scots would say, at least according to Diana Gabaldon- “I needs musht have eet.”

  108. You are always awesome. I was extremely lucky, honored, amazed, surprised and happy to the point I cried and my daughter thought I was crazy trying to explain to her why I was crying and how awesome you are, that you had sent me an unedited version of your book. Having said all that, I can’t ask for a signed copy when there are so many others that want one. I will say again and again Thank You; for all the times you do what you do, and think it is not enough,yet makes most of us all laugh out loud and love you more. Of course your followers comments are always the best too!

  109. I need something that will convince my 6 year old son that he is neither stupid nor dumb and help with his anxiety disorder that is already manifesting, especially in school. (Genetics suck sometimes.) Barring that – I’ll take a donation to whatever your favorite charity is that deals with mental health issues.

  110. It would be cool if I got anything from you right now because I am really struggling with the liar lately. Things are dark and I feel like I’m trapped in the well but Lassie dumped me for some cooler kid and doesn’t give two fucks about getting farmer Joe to come save me. I never did care for dogs much any way. Any way, getting out of bed hasn’t been easy and I have to drag my ever older ass to a class tomorrow which I have no interest in attending. I don’t have much interest in much lately, to be honest.

  111. A signed English edition! It would be amazing to have a hard copy (especially signed) as opposed to a digital copy.

  112. This is awesome! I think the title best expresses most people’s inner thoughts while reading this book, especially the ritz cracker scene!! Oh I’d love a English signed copy.

  113. I’d like a chateau in France please. And world peace. In that order. And chicken wings. And a pet ocelot.

    I loved the book so a signed copy would be superb. Congratulations!

  115. well, I’m proud of you. Instead of a signed copy of your book may I have a signed soup satchel? I’d love to boast in my Spanish by asking for your book in Español but who the fuck am I kidding? I’d never read it. But a soup satchel? A soup satchel I would use.

  116. I’d love an autographed bottle of wine but since you seemed to be running low, an American version of your book would be an acceptable substitution 🙂

  117. I have an autographed copy of your book in English, but I’d love one in a different language, because that would be cool. Although, if you are offering animals, I’d totally take a hedgehog. I’m not allowed to buy one in Arizona (in case I get sick of it and let it go in the wild, and then my neighbors do too, and then there’s a crazy wild hedgehog problem). On a related note, if shipping to AZ, you need to label your hedgehog as a squirrel.

  118. One could say that the review is too out there, but really it’s just telling readers what to expect. I swear some of these translations seem too crazy/awesome to be true, but Jenny you are also that so it fits. Hugs from AZ.

  119. Sweetie, you just plain rock. And I’m pretty sure your grandparents already knew that.

  120. I’d like a chateau in France. And world peace. In that order. And chicken wings. And a pet ocelot.

    And a signed copy of the French version of your book. 😀

  121. I’d love a copy in Russian (if it exists), or Czech would be cool too. I miseed seeing you in Denver but my husband went for me. I love your book!

  123. A book with a picture of a hamster holding a banana taped inside. Yes… Three birds one stone. No animal cruelty!! We’re all winners.

  124. I like autographed surprises!
    I may have to get this Czech version though, who doesn’t like the word ‘fuck’

  125. How about a signed copy of a brand new book you wrote?! I keep checking to see if you’re writing another book because I died when reading this one!

  126. Whoops forgot to tell you that should I be selected, I would like an English copy of your book autographed. Thanks! 🙂

  127. I would love to have an autographed copy in whatever language you would care to send me. It would truly be the most awesome book in our library, and the other 9,999 books would be jealous.

  128. I would ask for a signed picture of Nathan Fillion holding twine but we all know how that works out. I would take a signed copy of your book in any language you please and I would treasure it immensely. I found your blog during a very difficult time in my life and your writing has helped me so much in getting through a lot of it, particularly accepting and loving myself despite the litany of medical issues both physical and chemical. Your book got me through more than a few panic attacks. You are a truly beautiful person inside and out and I am really looking forward to your next book. This turned into a long comment, but I have been meaning to leave my thoughts and appreciation here for awhile. Thank you for all that you have done for all of us.

  129. What I would like is for you to donate the value of the book to an anti child sex trafficking charity, such as Love 146 or Not For Sale

  130. “So I went through all the trouble to autograph this book for this guy and he turned around and sold it to the used book store. So screw him!”

    🙂

  131. Signed audio book since that sound pleasantly ironic, please. But the smell of actual paperback books is something so amazing. Decisions decisions

  132. Prosím přihlaste se blahopřání k narozeninám pro mou ženu, když udeří 50 v letošním roce. Co víc si holka chce? Prosím, odpovězte, že …

  134. I am seriously tempted to get the one that has the bear on it, as that is so fun! But I’ll go for English so that I can actually read and understand it!

  135. I would love a signed copy of the Czech translation. Or I’d love for you to come autograph one of my kids. Or both? Ideally it would say, “Fuck you, Pauli! Love, Jenny Lawson

  136. I rave about your blog all the time but when I try to give them a funny story you wrote about, I just get weird looks. Like I am nuts or something. It could be that I am laughing hysterically while trying to talk. I don’t know. Anyway, if I had your book, I could show it off and say HA!

  137. My gggrandparents came from Bohemia which became Czechoslovakia which became the Czech Republic. 🙂 My aunt taught me the one Czech word she knew and I’m happy to share it with all of you. Of course, I have no idea how it’s supposed to be spelled, but here’s the phonetic version. Poopeck. It means belly button. You’re welcome!

    (My grandparents parents were married in “The Kingdom of Bohemia”. It looks super cool on their wedding certificate. ~ Jenny)

  138. I’ve already got more than one copy of your book, another one would make me look like a weird stalker, so I’ll go with cake please

  139. Ooo ooo random pick me! I would love a signed copy of your book. If I say how biscuits go with tea think random picking works like Facebook algorithms and urban myths? Also I’m from Texas and have boobs we are basically the same person..

  140. Sending an autographed banana and hamster together right now might result in either a half-eaten banana, a frozen banana, frozen hamster, or all three. And dead animals make me sad, so I’d rather not receive a dead hamster, whether it’s autographed by you or Betty White or anyone quite frankly. By the way, have you ever noticed they sell bananas “to go” – each complete with a “Chiquita to go” sticker – at Starbucks? I love my vanilla lattes, but that seems kinda scandalous to me.

    Either way, I’d love to travel to Poland or Turkey one day, and carrying around your book in the native language would make me look less touristy, so if you’re inclined to choose me, that would be fantastic. Or an audio CD, as I spend a lot of time grumbling (or just plain chatting with myself) in my car, and I’m sure that would help.

    But congrats whether you choose me or not, I know how awesome this is (I’m a photojournalist). Your book was hysterical and this just reminds me that I need to read it again soon.

  141. OOOOooooo I want a signed book! Partly because I only have the kindle edition. I need a hard copy just in case of the zombie apocalypse where we all lose power. I need something funny to read until the zombies find me.

  143. Oooooo I want a signed copy! Mostly because I only have the kindle edition, and if there is a zombie apocalypse I won’t be able to charge my kindle. I need something funny to read until the zombie find me. Of course, they’ll probably find me because they’ll here me laughing.

  145. Could you find a Jabberwocky? You don’t have to sign it. Or mail it. I don’t think the postal service has a flat rate box big enough for a jabberwocky. But maybe take a picture with it? Or photoshop yourself into a picture of a jabberwocky. I’m not picky.

    Or, like, a signed book would be cool too.

  146. When I first saw this, I thought it was actually your next book. Then I thought “Wow…that’s a weird title. It’s not very catchy.” But then I read on, and now I’m not sure if I should be relieved or disappointed.

  147. I totally need to show this to our Czech exchange student. She would think it’s pretty cool.

  148. I would like a pizza. Could you send me a pizza? Though, I’ll also accept a book. I won’t even eat it.

  149. Sending me a copy of your book could potentialy be dangerous. I’m stationed on the small island of Diego Garcia, and don’t know if I could stop myself from going door-to-door (it wouldn’t take long here) and spreading Bloggessism (similar to Mormonism but WAY more alcohol). So don’t send it to me. Unless that’s what you’re going for.

  150. If there’s a Hebrew version, I’d love that. If there isn’t, there should be. And if there isn’t and by some luck you select me, I’ll faint and then I’d love which ever language you think has the craziest cover. And you can sign it however you’d like! Thanks, you’re amazing!

  153. I can pick anything? I would like your signature tattooed on the bum of a spider monkey. Nothing kinky. It would make you the Xavier Roberts of spider monkeys.

  154. I think my sister would love your book. I live in Texas and she lives in Ohio, and I don’t (she says) come home often enough. I also don’t send enough gifts because I’m paranoid FedEx will play volleyball with packages or a guy will toss it out of the truck just to make his own tumbleweed, or some other vague dread. And because I like giving gifts in person, but airlines are not so cool with twenty wrapped packages riding in the seat beside me.

    PS: She speaks english.

    PPS: I read your book and it is great.

  155. Have bought many copies of your book in English. To share with many other English speaking friends and family. 🙂 Have laughed so hard I cried and tried to read passages outloud to my husband. So – perhaps and autographed soup for her bag…? I’ll supply my own pixie spork straw!

  157. My ebook can’t be loaned so I need to get a physical copy. An autographed hamster would be far more valuable though so that’s what I’d really love. Thanks for sharing your crazy with the rest of us loonies.

  158. I’ve recommended and shared my copy so many times that I can’t even count. You’re such a weirdly amazing inspiration and having an English copy of the book with an intentional vandalized fuck in there would be priceless. Or a boot. Your name on a boot would be cool too. Or a blanket and at that point if you threw in a cardboard sign I’m sure it would really tie my fan girl outfit together perfectly! I love you and even without winning anything it’s been such a blessing in my life to have come across your book and your blog. You make people realize they’re not alone!

  159. I want a signed copy of your UK book because for one it’s super freakin cool like why does the UK get fancy lettering and we just have regular lettering I don’t get that I mean yeah they’re fancier people but shouldn’t we get fancier lettering because we are so unfancy and need the copy of Jenny Lawson’s memoir with fancy lettering to remind us to be fancier? I’m sure that will fix the fancy problem we are having here wow look at that someone should hire me. Give me a job. Hahaha I’m kidding (I’m totally not kidding). Also because I thought it would be a good idea to read my physical copy of your book in the bathtub (because reading the kindle version in the bathtub is a bit ambitious, even for me) and something brushed across my leg and of course my first thought was it was a fish, like one of those scary deep sea fish that no one wants to fuck with, like with the teeth. I’m not about to get my leg chopped off in my bathtub, how ridiculous is that? So naturally my first reaction was to throw the book (your book, obviously) towards the direction of the leg tickling in the bath therefore ruining your book. Turns out it wasn’t a deep sea fish and it was just a bit of the leftover bath bomb that was sticking around, who woulda thought? Anyway, a new copy of your book with fancier lettering would be awesome given that I am a college student who can’t afford a second copy of the same book because I threw the first into my bathtub at a fish that turned out to be soap isn’t a good enough reason to spend my food money for the week. And you know I’ve been searching for Scooby Snacks (like the fruit snacks not the dog food) for like years and I can’t seem to find any even though I KNOW they still exist so if like for some insane reason you actually read my babbling essay about too many random things and decide that you feel bad enough for the girl who threw her favorite book in the bathtub or like just wanna help me make the country more fancy maybe you could throw in some scooby snacks if you happen to find them in your local grocery store.

    I am sorry for writing an essay I’ll see myself out

  160. How about an autographed picture of you and Wil Wheaton, because the both of you are my modern day heroes and inspiration 🙂 Together or separately, I know Texas and California are kind of far apart. Or an autographed TARDIS (picture, of course, I don’t know where I could put an actual TARDIS, I think the office manager might be upset if I put one in the yard, and I don’t want to get sued) or you know what, I don’t really need anything, because we are friends on facebook and I geek out enough as it is when you visit my Tapped Out Springfield. I don’t think I could take much more excitement! Seriously though, congrats and much love from the Mitten 🙂

  161. I’ve purchased 3 copies of your book thus far…. the audiobook (which lives in my car), the UK paperback (which I had a friend send over from England because I loved the cover so much) and the US hardcover, which I call my “loaner copy” and happily thrust into the hands of any and all unsuspecting women who are not familiar with the awesomeness that is you.

    I would LOVE a signed copy of your book to display with my signed copies of Amanda Palmer’s The Art of Asking and John Scalzi’s Redshirts
    You could even scratch out part of the title and write “fuck”, if you were so inclined.

    In any case, I don’t comment much, but I always read. Love you girl! You are an inspiration to us all 🙂

  163. What I want? What I really really want is 500 millions dollars. Autographed. And a copy of your book.

  164. I’d like a new copy of your book because I got an advance copy with signed notecard when it first came out, but I loaned it to a friend who was from Texas, thinking she’s be amused by it all. But then that no good thievin’ bastard never returned it. It’s been over a year and I’m still pissed. Never again! Next book you write, no one gets to touch it!

  165. I would love to have an autographed English copy. And Congratulations for making it around the world, even into Czechoslavakia! That must be a crazy, great, surreal accomplishment as an author to be published in so many languages 🙂

  167. I have your book on kindle – but I’d love a signed “depression is a fucking liar” note to stick in the pocket of the case. Always good to have that reminder when things get dark.

  168. My husband and I would read your book on trips back and forth from ft. Hood to Austin. One would drive the other would read. He questioned my reading out loud skills because he couldn’t believe someone else is as spastic and crazy as me. Then he made me “designated reader” because he couldn’t possibly figure out what the hell you were trying to say unless it was coming out of my mouth, since apparently, or brains mesh to much for his liking…that meant there were more than one of my crazy out there. Scary to him.

  169. I am really torn. I haven’t read the book yet and would love an autographed copy but if I just go buy a copy that would help support you so we would both win. So…a book or a puppy (un-autographed)…your choice.

  170. I would love a signed copy of your book in any language. Full disclosure- I can only read English, but I love the idea of using a translator and directly translating any of the other language books. With how well they did with that one paragraph in Czech, I’m sure all the foreign language books are amazing and completely accurate. I listened to your audiobook version and loved it! I had to sneak a peek at all the pictures in the bookstore, though, so that I could fully appreciate the story. I loved it!

  171. Good grief, so many covers, and all of them awesome!
    Seriously though, if I get picked, I want it in English but with the UK cover to send to someone I know in Wales. She needs it.

  173. Eventually I’m going to need a cake with a file in it. But I’ll take an autographed book. Made out to my bff from college. Because I already got a red dress from you. And it changed a lot for me. You were so nice to me when I was really a little bit out of my mind.

  174. I once bought a copy of your book, laughed so hard I cried, mailed it to my cousin to share in the merriment, then got sad because I didn’t have it anymore and bought another copy. Everything is better in threes though! Do want! A signed book in English though, because whether it’s my cat or son that does it, that hamster WOULD end up eaten.

  175. Since I still haven’t been able to buy your book — hubby’s been out of work for 6 months — I’d love to get an autographed copy in English. You’re my blogging crush. I think you’re fabulous.

  177. That is so awesome and such a cool cover!
    I would love an audiobook of your book if that’s an option. If not then signed English copy.
    You are awesome!

  178. Actually, I think I’d like a copy of your book signed BY a hamster. In whatever language the hamster prefers, of course, since a sophisticated hamster of the world often knows several.

  179. I loved your book! Can’t wait for another. English version preferably lol signed how ever you want to but please include a smart ass comment. 🙂

  181. I am a huge Anglophile, so I would love the UK version. It would go nicely with my British boyfriend collection (which is in my head, but is still a collection that gets added to regularly). Congratulations on your well deserved success! I have given several people copies of your book as gifts, because I feel it’s awesomeness must be shared whenever possible 🙂

  182. I don’t have the money to buy books… so I still haven’t read yours and I really really want to! So I’d love a copy of your book, signed or not.

    Sweet, sweet love.

  183. I really want to go with a dead rattlesnake here. But even if you agreed to sign and send me one…i’m not sure where/how I would keep it without that getting a little too messy. Unless your dad would be willing to taxidermy it for me. Signed rattlesnake picture taped inside the Czech translation of your book? (I’m at damselindepression dot com but haven’t yet figured out how to use the effin box below to link to my latest blog post.)

  184. My reading time has diminished somewhat with the introduction of an adorable dictator to my life, currently clocking in at 9 weeks old, but if one’s going, I’d love a signed copy in French. This is to explain to her why we are the way we are, but she has to earn it first. You know, life lessons.

  185. Would relish one in English. Also, pretty sure that is a very sweet rat, not a mouse, they dressed up. Not a mouse. Which is probably more practical costume wise as rats are bigger x

  186. Ooh, ooh! I would love an autographed copy of your book (in English.) And I promise I’ll buy copies for all my friends, so you don’t think I want it just because I’m cheap!

  188. What would be awesome is an autographed copy of your book in English for the English language collection at Charles University library in Prague. Yes, this is a thing. I went there for a class a few years ago, and the city and the university are amazing. It’s the oldest university in Central Europe. Founded 1348. 😀 Somethings you never forget. Plus the Czechs are really literate. So another market.
    I highly recommend Prague for vacations. Good beer too(pivo in Czech)

  189. I would love a book autographed by you, preferably YOUR book. Let me tell you WHY I want, er, need, your book. I had your book – had as in bought, I didn’t do anything lewd to it … or with it. That’s salacious thinking, there. My sister and I have been going through a really bad patch (seperately, but, simultaneously – she lives in Idaho and I’m in Wisconsin) for a few years. (It could be our whole dang life, but, when you have a sister to laugh and agree about how screwed up life is, then it’s a little bit easier to get through. Ya us!) Any hoot, last year was especially bad for her, so, to cheer her up, I sent my copy of your book to her. But, I can’t ask for it back because boy does she identify with it and it cracks her up (after epiphany – oh, that’s where I got the crack from). The thing is, I need to momentarily crack myself up reading it, too. I could get it from the library – but it ruins the anticipation and instant gratification of needing it. Your writing is addictive and instantly improves the mood – like crack. Only I haven’t ever had crack, so, I am assuming at this point that your book is like crack. It’s what I imagine crack would be like in a print format. Any hoot, I’d like your book in English.

  190. I would love a signed copy of the UK version, so that it would have proper spelling in it, even though I was born and have always lived in the US and have no real reason as to why I think certain words should have “u” in them, like behaviour and colour, except that maybe I was English in a past life, but who knows, it would be great and then I could add it to my growing collection of this book which is starting to make me feel like a stalker now that I come to think of it, since I have the first print, the second print with the added bits, and the Kindle version. If I was saying that out loud, I think I would have passed out for lack of oxygen.

  191. Ain’t google translate great!!! I would love a signed copy of your book, but a signed copy of anything of yours would be great – a grocery list, to-do list, dental appt reminder…..anything..

  192. I loved your first book and am happily waiting for your next one. Your first book helped me get through a major bout of depression and depersonalization. Wrapped like a burrito on my bed with loud laughing jags as I read through it and tried spreading it out for several days. Sadly I’ve lost the signed card that got sent out to people in my last few moves and would love a signed English copy.

  194. I would love an English copy autographed to my daughter for her high school graduation this year.

  195. Well, I never comment, but felt the need on this one, because- I can’t believe in all of these comments I haven’t seen a “Jak se máš” yet! So many of us Czech descendants in Texas follow you. And the person who said “poopek” was close- it’s pupík.

  197. That’s pretty awesome. I would love it if you would autograph something for me. A book,a matchbook, a tortilla. ..whatever is handy. You’re my hero.

  198. I have a copy of the first book….. and audiobook. It’s a good thing I have the audiobook already, else I’d probably want an autographed audiobook, because it’s fun to say, and would be pretty badass. But, well, that might be difficult, logistically. So, instead, I would really love an autographed turtle shell. I’d better go begin the RNGesus bribery rituals.

  200. I have a copy of your book on my Kindle, so I would love to have an actual copy of it in English! Unless you’re able to get me my very own pet dolphin and sign it. Dolphins are awesome.

  201. I’d adore an English version of your book. Obviously I’ve already read it but then unfortunate things happened and I no longer have a… legible version, shall we say. But a copy actually touched by you and carrying your DNA? AWESOME.

  204. I live in Italy is there an Italian copy? I didn’t see one in the pick:( If there isn’t an Italian one there needs to be! Voglio lo leggere! Ciao bella;)

  206. I’d love a signed copy of your book, it would impress the hell out of my daughter, and she could read it on BART and laugh out loud and then tell people the author is a friend of her mother’s, because she would totally believe that. We can only read English so the US or UK copy would be great! (Though actually a signed hamster-in-a-sweater would be cool.)

  207. What I really need is a copy of your NEW book (when it’s published, obviously) Could I get that instead of a hamster? Otherwise I’d really love a copy of your book autographed by Victor.

    Also, you’re awesome.

  208. I would love an autographed copy of the book (in Czech) to honor the time we took our Mothers to Prague for a visit (my better half and I were assigned overseas), and were subsequently accused by the Fathers of intentionally taking them down the one street with the ‘red lights and boobies.’ Sigh. International travelers.

  210. Despite being told to do this I feel oddly gross and beggary. However, an autographed English version would be amazing.

    P.S. This is partly why I don’t pray very often either. Sure, I don’t want hemorrhoids but I find I’m most often just too afraid to ask.

    P.P.S. Thats my shit, and I’m sorry.

  211. The 23rd was my birthday and because my family plans so well, I received zero presents. An autographed copy of your book (any language) would be a fantastic birthday present!

  213. Wow. My country did something cool for once. Granted, I did not see the whole translation, so let’s not jump to conclusions. It’s also a publishing house I’ve never heard of – the big ones really missed out this time. Somebody went into great lengths to make this book, and I totally understand that.

    To the person who asked if fuck translates into duck in Czech, no, it doesn’t translate into anything. It’s pronunciation is just similar to “fakt,” which means “really.”

    I’d like a copy of the US original, please.

  214. I’d like a family photo of you guys with Beyonce. The whole fam too…cats, dog, Victor, and Hailey. I also think you should make this a universal book cover that we can use on any book we want to hide. You know, like those bible book covers only awesome.

  215. This is awesome. I would love a copy of your book – in English, please. Or an autographed hamster dressed like Hamlet. (That would be for a Shakespearean friend, with hungry cats.)

  216. Hi Jenny, I’m your publisher in Czech and I’m really proud of our job.
    If you want I can send you some pictures from our advertising campaign.
    Let me know and be happy.

  217. I would love to get a copy of your book ! I’d also like the name of the person who is making the little costumes for mice. I have a couple of intriguing questions for them! PS. my family has Czech origins too. I can say words like “little dumpling” , “dustpan”, give me the wooden spoon, you’re going to get a lickin’, and “it’s so cold outside forty men froze to death already.” Seriously.

  218. Look at you – an international best selling author! Congrats in getting into Czech Republic; if you makae there, you can make it anywhere.

  220. I would love a signed copy of your book! I keep lending mine out and the latest receiver must have been an invisible book thief because I know I lent it out but for the life of me can’t remember to whom it when and I haven’t gotten it back! Anything signed by you would be fabulous but not something perishable. I would want to leave it out to show off and if it were, say, a banana it would get pretty gross pretty fast. One time I thought it would be fun to let my preschool class paint with silly things. The banana got so warm in their little hands and that warmth went right through the peel and…. Let’s just say I’m not crazy about bananas anymore. Um, how did I get on that? What were we talking about? Oh right! Signed book please.

  222. Oooh! First of all, my sister in law straight up stole my copy after I told her that your book made me laugh so hard that I peed on the couch. Secondly, a signed banana would be most welcome in my home. Thank you!

  223. Hi, the right translation from Czech is: Did it really happen? Really in Czech is Fakt and it’s really similar to F**k.

  224. Is this why there is turmoil in the Ukraine ? I’d like my book wrapped in red. Muska !!!

  225. I would love a signed copy of the Czech version! My wife has family from out that way, and the book would look fantastic next to her very old Czech bible.

  226. Congratulations, Jenny! I’m so proud of you!
    I’d love a plain old American version signed by you, but then also signed by Victor, in something resembling blood, words to the extent of “Please dear god send help!”

  227. So I’m thinking an autographed fat sack of cash, eh? giggles No? If you don’t have one of those laying around how about a doll… or just the head. I adore you to the mooooooon Jenny 😀 Congrats!

  228. I know your grandparents would be so proud.
    Mom bought your first book for me. Then she went on a trip and borrowed it to read for the ride. Water spilled on it in the floorboard (wtf?), and now it’s a little swollen and wonky. She offered to buy another, but no, I kind of like it even more that way.
    A new autographed book would be cool to give to mom, though.
    Stay wonky.

  229. Some of my great-grandparents were literal Bohemians from Czechoslovakia, which is why my maiden name had only 1 vowel and a LOT of consonants! And it’s great, because I am intrinsically Bohemian without even trying. I love your book, but I’d love one best in any form of English (U.S./Canadian/British/Australian), signed however you feel best! Stay awesome!

  230. I would dearly love to have the German edition to send to a friend in Germany who suffers with severe depression and struggles with many other mental issues. I know she would love it, and she’s been dear to me for nearly 30 years.

  231. Oh! The US version of your book would be an amazing addition to my collection of books I need to keep out of reach of my dogs who like to take them and read. And by read I mean scatter the pages across my living room so it’s like a puzzle as to which page is next. A signed copy would for sure be secured in a glass case and become the focal point of the room.

  232. I own the English version of your book in hardcover and I have an autographed paperback version from your book tour. It is my go to gift for anyone because it is awesome! I am patiently (not true, very impatiently) awaiting your second book. Please?

  233. I would like just an All American, English language book. But the signature? Oh yeah. On a check. LOL

  236. I’d love an autographed audio book…or just a road trip with you where you tell me stories and we stop at every odd tourist attraction, like the world’s biggest ball of twine.

  237. A signed copy of your book in English would be awesome. I could lend the one I have out to people that definitely need to read it.

  238. The mouse seems to be surrounded with dried blood and bloody mouse footprints. There’s a story there somewhere. As for a book, surprise me; it’s all good.

  239. I want an autographed copy of your NEW book. I realize it’s still in the “production” stage, but I can wait. I’m a patient lady. But, if that isn’t possible, I’d like a small number of caramelized apples from a place that I can’t even remember the name of (which is terrible, because these are the best I’ve ever had). And, if no desserts come my way, then I’d like an autographed copy of your current book (preferably in English, though I do love the international covers) for my 12th grade English teacher, with whom I am still friends 15+ years later, as we have a great deal in common – from mental illnesses to our chosen subject for her already obtained PhD and my hopefully one day to be gotten PhD (Tudor portraiture). <3

  240. My husband’s father’s family is Czech so a signed copy of the Czech edition would be wonderful.

  241. I would like a shrunken sloth’s head. That is absolutely a thing and I know if anyone can get me one, it is you!

  242. I bought a signed copy for my mother (because what says “happy mother’s day” better than your book… really? what?), but I didn’t have the money to buy one for myself… So I’d love a signed copy of the US release.

  243. A signed copy of the Czech translation would be the best thing ever! Oh I hope you pick me. Thank you for all you do.

  247. I would love an autographed copy of your book in English. I have the audio version, which I love, but no hard copy.

  249. Since I’ve read your current book about 10 times (still laugh, cry, and irritate my husband with random quotes every time!), my fondest desire would be to know that the second book is on its way….
    If that wish cannot be granted, a signed copy of your current book would be pretty freaking awesome!

  250. My husband started a digital comic book company called IWOA Comics. IWOA stands for International Women Of Awesome. His goal is to have more positive and realistic female lead characters that are not just damsels in distress or arm candy. His first comic is called Callahan. It is based in modern day England and is about a female assasin and the two female cops trying catch her. There is a super cool twist as the series goes on. All I want is for you to visit http://www.iwoacomics.com/callahan, read his first three issues and share him on twitter. He has been working on this for over 15 years while working an average of 70 hours a week at his day job and it would mean the world to him. If you pick me then you can also sign something for another fan. I love your blog, your book and your generous spirit. Please help him make his dream come true.

    Regards,
    Rachel G.

  251. So…I recently showed your website to a colleague at my work – specifically the anniversary post where we meet Beyonce, and she laughed till she cried and then promptly named her running group “Knock, knock Motherrunners”. Her birthday is coming up, and I would love love love to surprise her with a signed copy of your book (in English). Someone recently gave me a signed Harry Potter(!) and I would love to pass on not only the gift but the feeling of “OMG! THIS IS THE BEST GIFT EVER!”

  252. I would love an autographed copy of an English version! I don’t think an autographed hamster would travel well through the mail, nor would a banana. I LOVED this book. I laughed til I cried in public and people stared but I didn’t give a fuck. Rural Kansas can be very similar to rural Texas, just not quite as awesome. You rock, Jenny!

  253. While my daughter has been begging for a pet and an autographed hamster would fit the bill, I think I’d ask for an autographed copy of your book. In English. 🙂

  254. You would send me a cake? Cause I love cake, especially cupcakes. That’s what I need! Autographed cake- and definitely chocolate! Love your book and you make me laugh, which is so needed some days.

  257. A signed copy in English please! I tried reading your book out loud to my husband but would laugh so hard I couldn’t finish. He thought I was crazy. It was awesome.

  258. If you decide you need an oddly specific anthropomorphic taxidermy creation for the cover of the next book, I’ll be happy to hook you up! Now let’s go hunting stinking like skunks.

  259. I read your book from the library. Since then I’ve bought several copies as gifts. I would love an English language version for myself. Best wishes to you and yours.

  260. I’m very happy for you, but mostly I’m happy for the world because your book is awesome! I think I’d scream with delight and frighten people if I actually received a signed copy of your book (in English), there’s that to take into consideration.

  261. The greatest gift ever would be that KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER mug from your shop signed by the Bloggess, which I would of course carry around to all the meetings at work.

  262. What I really want and need is to be caught up at work by the end of the week so that my vacation can actually be a vacation. Can you arrange that? If not, I would love an autographed book because we’ve been too lazy to go get one but we’d love to read it.

  264. Should my response be selected, would you please send a an autographed jar of Lowry’s Seasoned Salt? I’ve been out for a couple of months and am apparently incapable of remembering to pick some up while I’m in the grocery store. It would be most appreciated. And cherished (the jar with your autograph, not the salt) as a future heirloom for my son. Many thanks.

  266. Jenny, Remember all those bookplates you signed? I have one in the first copy of your book I bought. And I bought several as gifts and I have the kindle edition. I don’t know how you are going to decide among all these entries. I have some favorites among them already. So this is not an entry. No pressure, but I can’t wait for your next book.

  267. So I’d like a signed copy of your new book but I want victor or Hayley to write something cool in it….lol! I do love your book and writing and try to get people to read your stuff all the time.

  268. I would love to have a signed copy of your book (English preferably). I appreciate your humor. A librarian friend passed your book on to me as proof that there are others who think/write/talk like me…I bow to you!

  270. I have the Kindle edition but I suppose you can’t sign that one. Can you do an English version called “Fuck, let’s pretend this never happened”?

  271. An old high school friend told me to read your book and I’m glad I did. So funny and I definitely needed some good laughs. I like the random cover on the Turkish edition or maybe it only looks random cause I need to change my contacts.

  272. Jenny, we just moved to Houston from Arizona and the fact that you come from Texas and are still here gives me great hope that we can find “our people” somewhere among the pick-up trucks. My 12-year old daughter and I have read your book twice and used it as a test on others to see who is worthy of hanging out with. Thanks for making us laugh, all the time. The move has been hard and we needed it 🙂

  273. I want a signed copy of your book and a signed stuffed sloth. I’d take a pretend stuffed sloth, but if a taxidermied sloth showed up at my door, I think I would squee so hard that there would be cops involved. Oh, fine, anything from you in the mail would inevitably lead to squeeing and screeching. And that shrine that I don’t have devoted to you in my dining room would become considerably larger.

  274. I would love a book signed by you. English would be fine but I would also accept Spanish. I would also love some vegan cake. I would totally share.

  275. While I’d love a copy with the word Fuck on the cover, I’d better stick to English, since it’s really the only thing I can read. Otherwise, I wouldn’t say no to a signed banana. Getting a bit low on potassium lately.

  276. I would love it if you could send a copy of the Czech book with an encouraging note to my friend who’s going through a really rough time now. I know she admires you greatly and would love the cover since she’s run out of fucks to give. (I would love the same for me too, but I don’t want to be greedy. )

  278. I need some fabric printed with the little animals on the inside covers of your (‘Merican) book. Or a signed collar for my pig, Cam. Cause there’s not much that could make him more awesome than he is, but I think a signed collar from you might make him mega awesome. He would model it for you, of course.

  279. I would love a signed copy in any language I can read. Meaning only English. But, thankfully, that means the American, UK, or Canadian versions are all fine. I have an unsigned American copy, but I can always give that to someone else once I have my priceless signed version. Hee hee hee. Also, I should get extra points or something because work and spouse just made me leave Texas so…I need to incorporate that skunky back-assward state as much as possible into my new Florida home. Right?

  283. Let’s Pretend this Never Happened audio book in English. My kids love it! They would like a copy please please please please pick us? Please?

  284. Sea Anemones. And a signed banana. But mostly a copy of your book, in English, since I’m shite at reading anything else (and on this computer, shite at typing any of it.)

  287. I’m pretty sure an autographed hamster would be the prize of my collection of autographed things and I have Nathan Fillion’s autograph so that is saying something.

  290. That is so awesome! I would love an autographed copy in English, or Russian. Whichever is easier for you (I can’t actually read the Russian one though, so English would be best).

  293. It’s awesome when an author gets the recognition she deserves! And as much as I love cake (with super sweet disgusting frosting) an autographed, english version, of your book would be just as good. Better, really, because cake doesn’t mail well

  294. Hamster!? I want the autographed hamster, please. It needs to be a Djungarian Dwarf Hamster, though, so could you write really small maybe?

  295. You are hilarious and amazing! Although I’ve only been following you for a few years, I’ve gone back through every single post and caught up on all you’ve had to share. Your stories and words about how depression lies have given people hope. Your stories about Beyoncé have made people laugh. And your absolute conviction that you are right has helped everyone see that Victor is wrong! I think one of my favorite things about your blog are what I interpret to be happy accidents. Perhaps they were planned out more than I realize, but things like your “Christmas miracle” and the red dress movement have grown in popularity to help thousands of people. Thank you!!

    That all said, I’ve got to add that I would LOVE a signed copy of your book! A signed Beyoncé would be better, but I’ll take what I can get. 🙂

  296. I would like a signed unicorn please. If you are fresh out of unicorns, an English copy of your book would be an acceptable replacement.

  297. Yes, please. Whatever language will be fine – it’s probably good to gain some culture by learning another language via such a worldly popular book. Well, actually I’m sort of busy these days, so maybe an English language copy would be good, and the Canadian version would be fine – I do live nearish to our neighbors to the north, so I could probably understand the translation. But cake, I like cake, too. So there’s that.

  298. For the love of all that is holy when does your new book come out. I need my fix man it is like crack I am not getting……..

  304. I would love a signed copy of your book in French to inspire my daughters who started learning French in kindergarten. I’ll tell them, they’re welcome to read it, just as soon as they can translate it themselves! Oh, and if you added a jaunty mustache to Monsieur Mouse, that would be lovely. Thankyouverymuch!

  305. That’s pretty cool to see your work translated so many times over. And I guess I’m a little dull, because I’d like a signed English version, please.

  306. My 100% Czech Grandmother just passed away a week ago today at the age of 93. They used to keep an old clock written in Czech on the wall inside the farmhouse and she used to ask me to tell her the time in Czech every time I came inside. I’ll miss sitting with her as she sews or makes delicious kolaches while the radio blasts polka music and asking her what they were singing about. She was a wonderful woman and I’ll never let my Czech heritage go because of her.

  307. If you have a spare book in English or Russian that you are willing to send, I have a young man who desperately needs to know that our tribe is out there so he does not feel so alone. My son and I have laughed millions of times at your blog posts and book chapters, helped us to bond over a mental illness that overwhelms us both at times. On Saturday night, the pain got overwhelming and he did not know how to cope, so he tried to take his own life. He is getting a “Never Give Up” necklace today, but I think a Russian copy of your book would help ice the cake. Thank you for considering him.

  310. I would love an autographed banana. But that would probably lose its fun once it starts to get slimey, so maybe the book is better. Writer’s choice on the which version, I say pick your favorite cover!

    Do you still do the autographed bookplates??

  311. I like the book cover with the bear. He looks so friendly. I think I would only experience minimal mauling from him if I went in for a hug.

  312. While the czech version is the most interesting for the cover, I still think English would suffice. A banana wouldn’t last long enough. I’m passing that book down the generations, Jenny!

  314. I’d like a copy of your book signed by Hailey and slightly chewed by Dorothy Barker. Is that weird? They’re both so great!

  315. i love that translate feature. So much is lost and makes for even better messages. I would love an autographed copy of the English version!

  316. I already have a signed copy of your book in English so if you have a copy in french or italian that would be swell. Let’s see if I retained anything I learned in high school & college.
    Oh, and a pony. The pony can be any nationality.

  319. Super cool! I’d love a copy of your book – in the Canadian English version. I’m curious, of course, to see if it is spelled favor or favour. Super cool that you have an f-bomb on your book in Czech. 😀

  321. I’ll settle for the US version…I [shamefully] still haven’t read it so I’d like to be able to if I got a copy!

  322. I would adore an autographed copy of your book (preferably in English)!

    If you, and Ferris Mewler and Hunter S. Thomcat and Knives could all sign it that would be amazing!

  326. An autographed copy of your book in English. Because I stood in line for hours in Miami to get it signed, I have a picture as proof) and then loaned it to a friend to read and have never seen it again. Because I have been dying to read it again because that’s what I do when new books are comin out from the same author. Because the friend that bogarted the book is the one that introduced me to your blog so I kinda owe her a signed copy anyway. Because that friend, you, and I are all Jennifers. So, yes, that is all.

  327. I would like for you to trace each of your feet on a piece of paper and sign it and send it to me. I have a life goal of knitting socks for 50 sock-worthy people and you’re in my spreadsheet. And this was a hard call bc a signed copy of your Czech book would be amazing…. well done!!! : )

  328. The translation: awesome! I’d love an autographed copy of the English version!
    I’d also like for you to come to Chicago for a book signing. Ya know, whenever, if you get around to it 🙂 Thanks for all the smiles and laughs!!

  329. Today is my birthday, and not only am I turning an age where I officially have to check a different box on surveys (35), I for some reason have my first incredibly long nose hair hanging out my nose. I think it’s a sign I’m getting old. And in the vein, I would love an autographed copy of your audio book.

  330. I was so excited when I spotted your poster while we were in Prague at Christmas. It was on the escalator walls in all the major subway stations. We managed to get a photo which is posted in the Facebook comments. Oh, and I would love an autographed Double Unicorn Success Club mug. It is amazing and would catapult immediately to the most desired mug in the house and could be used as a bargaining chip in disagreements/hostage negotiations.

  332. I would love a copy for my son. I gave my copy to my daughter and now my son feels left out, especially since he just found your blog and recommended to me. Sibling rivalry is a bear. Anyway, and probably in English, please.

  333. Me, me, me!!! I want an autographed copy of your book. In English, please. I need to laugh.

  334. I have a copy of your book in hardback, e-book on the Kindle and the audio version. Never thought I would get a chance at a freaking autographed copy. Now…I MUST HAVE ONE. PLEAAAASSSSEEEE…..
    And I think it would be excellent if you used as many cuss words as poosible in the signature stuff. I know I would.

  337. Yeah, that translation is very fitting indeed! As a faithful Strangeling, I do hope you choose me!

  339. Ha ha ha…..Can you sign the copy I already have? So that somehow you have to meet with me…. Maybe my mom would give you some taxidermy? Or make yours a new costume…She does re-enacting…Gone With The Wind Weasel? No? Ha ha… I would Love a signed copy!

  340. While an autographed hamster would be awesome, the cats would completely skitz out. So a book. I prefer English, but totally it’s your choice. And it will be framed and hung on my wall of awesome bomb-diggity hero people (of which you would be the only one) 🙂

  341. An autographed book would be great. I have already gone through one copy…. I read it then I gave it to my sister who read it then we gave to our younger sister and she read it. After it was returned to me my daughter borrowed it after she borrowed it, it went to the land of lost books…. where I hope some else got to enjoy it. But then there was the road trip (sister have to do those!) where we had something to listen to… so that’s right we did the audio book and laughed so hard we all had tears in our eyes. I am sure other drivers may have thought we were insane or drinking… That audio copy then went to our mom who loved as much as we all did.

    your the best!

  343. From one Bohunk to another ~ the Czech version is like the Holy Grail of coolness! I would so frame that in a big shadow box with pictures of your grandparents and a lock of their hair and every memento you can cram in with it, and hang it in the foyer so it’s the first thing EVERYONE sees when they walk in. I purposely did not mention adding any taxidermy only because while funny, it is totally not cool to taxidermy your grandparents no matter how much you love them and I didn’t want to get you and Victor into a kerfuffle.

  344. Have and love autographed English version. Sinking into senescence after 45 years of teaching German. Perhaps a copy of your book auf Deutsch would help!

  345. I would love a Polish version! Not only would I look really worldly and cool having it, but I could share it with my Polish friends. 🙂

  346. I would love a copy of your book in English. Signed is nice, but honestly, I do all my reading in the tub so by the time I am done, the ink will run. I also do most of my drinking in the tub so chances are the book will be twice as thick as it was originally.

  347. I re-read your book while waiting in the hospital for a frankly ludicrous 12 hours with a torn retina because I could find NOTHING else to distract me (that’s right, I read it with only 1.5 functional eyes). Then I got a needle in my eye. I need an autographed copy of any version in English.

  348. Would love an autographed copy of your book. In English. The autograph can be in any language you choose.

  349. Okay, so on February 9th, I actually sent you this email:

    Hi Jenny! I have a big ole fave to ask. I am a part of a wonderful group of women that occasionally raise money for worthy causes. On May 2nd, 2015, our group will be holding the first ever Cinco de Meow/Fido Fiesta in Anniston/Jacksonville Alabama. We will be at a lovely establishment called Zoe’s on the Lake. We will be selling tickets ($25/person) for a taco bar AND live music. We’re still drumming up a band (ha, snort!) and hoping to get the Gypsy Begonias. Proceeds will go to League for Animal Welfare (LAW) (our local donations-only run no-kill shelter) and Cheaha Regional Humane Society. Now, I would love beyond all measure for you to grace us with your lovely presence. But since we’re in Alabama and you’re in, you know, Texas, I realize that the logistics are fairly prohibitive. Also, I know that you hate people. Like, not individuals, but crowds of them. That being the case…I was wondering if I could prevail on you to send us a signed copy of your book to include in our silent auction. Please, please, please??
    It’s one of my favorite books of all time. I have bought and sent your first book to 5 of my friends:
    Sandy in Amsterdam; Jaquie when she was in New Zealand; Nancy who I went to school with in Alabama but now lives in Canada…and Annette and Jenni here in Alabama when they were recovering from surgery. So I have PERSONALLY spread your love and weirdness over 3 continents!

    Please, please, pretty please? I know what a giving, kind-hearted animal lover you are.

    And if you DO feel some unnatural urge to want to eat Tacos in Alabama…your taco bar ticket will be on me!

    And then my fairy godmother…or your fairy godmother….anyway A fairy godmother emailed me back and said that she could send me out a book plate instead and I could sort of have a do-it-yourself signed book. But then I haven’t seen or heard anything since then.

    So, I’d really, really love to still get a real, live autographed book to put in our silent auction.

    It’s for the puppies and kittens.

    I’m having trouble with that “include a link to your latest blog post” thingy too.
    http://www.psb1969.blogspot.com

  352. I would like a signed copy of your book in English, but if you were short on books I would not be disappointed in an autographed guinea pig. Or a hundred dollar bill. But your book is the first choice.

  353. I’m just taking a wild guess it hasn’t been translated to Serbian yet…….. (but can’t wait till it is haha)

  354. I have your book in English, but I don’t have an autographed copy. Or cake. I love cake.

  355. Totally buying this for my Czech husband. Maybe the mother in law, too. She does not speak English so this will be my olive branch of love. I think.

    Best. Gift. Ever.

  356. Call me a traditionalist, but I would love a signed copy of your book, in English. And, anything else you want to send – cake, mice, fruit. I’m easy.

  357. The Czech version is awesome (it says ‘Fuck’ haha), but a signed copy of your English version would be great!!

  358. The Czech and Polish editions have caught my eye (hopefully I get it back soon). You have added much needed comedy to some dire situations, for that I thank you. Whenever people try to make fun of my doll collecting at 16, I tell them it’s a part of my religion, so thanks for that too.

  359. I would love an autographed copy of your book In Turkish. Or French. But really Turkish, if they have that. Yesterday was my birthday, and it was in the top three favorites of all my birthdays (including when my birthday fell on Mardi Gras and I was in New Orleans and the year I turned thirty and celebrated for thirty days). This is my last pre-baby birthday, so even though there was no booze, there was high tea and Indian food, and I got to watch a Persian rug being auctioned. Anyway, Turkish. <3

  360. While an autographed hamster is very tempting, I think I’ll just go with a copy of your book. In English, please. Sadly, I don’t speak (or read) Czech. Or any other language. Just English. And I want to be able to read it again and again, because it is wonderful!

  362. Thanks for the belly laughs. You made my morning. I would love a copy of the Czech version (we’ve already got it in English), and could you tape an “E” peel-off gamepiece from Canes on the inside cover? That’s the only one we need. Or an “H”, but “E” would be better 🙂 (If we win the jackpot, we’re planning to use a big chunk of it to help replace the pipe organ at our church. We will totally name it after you. Or one of your entourage.)

  364. I had no idea there was a Polish version!

    My whole family lives in Poland, and I remember when I was on vacation there a couple of summers ago, I had your book, in English though, and they could not for the life of me understand at why I was maniacally laughing every couple of minutes to myself. And my translation to them probably didn’t help, especially in the case of Stanley, the magic talking squirrel.

    If chosen for this worthy contest, I’d love a signed copy of the Polish!

  366. Heck – for a signed copy of your book in English – I would send you a cake! or a snake – or whatever makes you smile on any particular day like you make me smile when I really need it.

  367. i REALLY would like an autographed copy of the vandalized cover version w/ the F&$# on it! Thanks!

  368. I found your book because I am a MAJOR Bibliophile and it looked interesting, nothing more or less. Now it sits on my nightstand and I reread sections whenever I need laugh out cheering up. And I have become a follower of your blog although it feels a bit like stalking to me. 61 is probably not your targeted demographic, but I LOVE your writing and can’t wait for your next book to keep on my nightstand too!

  369. Hells yeah an autographed book by the woman who helps me through my black days and brightens my non-black days. When I read your book the first time my kids were super embarrassed cuz I was laughing so hard I was crying – at the dentist – waiting for their appointment. Embarrassing children in public – just another Jenny Lawson service!!!

  370. Thanks for everything. Really. You regularly make my day! I’d love a book. I read it on a plane and was having a hard time keeping my giggles quiet. Loved it! Love you! (English, I guess, since it doesn’t appear to be in Gallifreyan yet.)

  371. does an autographed copy of your future book count? maybe your Free Little Library Tardis can bring it from the future to now?

  372. as awesome as an autographed hamster would be, I’m a book person, so a signed copy on English would be exciting enough! Thanks, Jenny!

  374. This is absolutely marvelous Jenny! 🙂
    I want a happy dance that features you, David Tennant, the Face of Bo. The Face of Bo would have to be dancing too (of course).

  377. I just checked on Google Translate… Literally: “The Fact It Happened?” So with the vandalized version, I think it would translate to: “Fuck Happened?” Not sure why the question mark, but probably most Czech people (or all people) say “fuck” with a question mark when they read you… not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  378. I’m so disappointed that the Canadian version doesn’t have a taxidermied beaver on the cover.
    But I’d like an autographed copy, please! and English copy would mean I could rehome the book I already bought (and read multiple times), but a foreign copy would be cool too. I’m not picky 🙂

  381. Man, I think I want the Czech version just for the amazing cover. But then I think I’d want the English one. But the UK version could be cool too!

    Why are there always choices?!?!! How about you surprise me with whatever version you’d like should you pick me? Choosing is too stressful and I’m going to go take a nap now.

  382. I would love an autographed copy of your book in English. (love the Czech cover though! and the bear on the Polish version — things that make you go hmmmm…)

  383. Congrats! I think your book should be published in all languages…I would love an autographed copy of the book in Portuguese because it would help my Brazilian friend studying in the US feel a little less homesick…or maybe a little more? Either way, she would get a kick out of it.

  384. Since I already have the US copy I need a signed copy of anything with “Fuck” in the title Czech please… haha (check please) I slay myself.

  385. I’m currently in the hospital waiting room with a broken finger while I wait for my fiancé to get a hysterectomy. I’m not making this up. Your book is currently in my Amazon shopping cart because she wants to read it while she recovers. So, dibs?

  386. Also that UK paperback version…how cool would it be if it came in Tardis blue? This is getting all kinds of excited…that cover needs to exist!

  387. I’d love an autographed hamster, but our snake, Bellatrix would probably REALLY love it. So, probably a copy of the audiobook would be better for me.

  388. I love this so much it gives me a boner. Except I’m a girl, so not like a regular boner. Not a penis boner. A boner in my heart. A heart boner.

    A heart on.

    An effection erection.

  389. I’d love a signed copy of the Spanish version, if that exists! I studied Spanish in school and always try to read a few books in the language. Plus, I already read the English so it would be good to hear you be funny in Spanish.

    Take care!

  390. Oh, I would love it, and hug it and squeeze it and call it George. Seriously, I was fortunate enough to be able to purchase both the paperback and hardback. But it would mean the world to have an autographed version in any language. Not at a point to be able say something witty here, life is hard, but thank you for your example and supporting words and hilarious posts that make life a little better

  391. I’d love the German version, but would be happy with any random pick. Hilarious.

  393. I’d love an autographed cake. But then I’d just eat it and have nothing but the satisfaction of having eaten cake, so a copy of the US book would be awesome. 🙂

  394. I desperately want an autographed hamster cake…..

    but I’d settle for an autographed version in any language.

  395. I’d like an autograph, but not on food. I don’t want to have to choose between you and a craving. Maybe if you sent me an autographed copy of the Czech version, I could read it side-by-side with the English version and learn to speak Czech. The important words, anyway.

  397. Seeing as how I actively search for weird, taxidermied animals to display around my apartment now (thank you for that) and that I gave your book away to someone who desperately needed to read it (seriously), I would be grateful for anything you could send me, be it a book or a banana or air or not. Thank you for your laugh-out-loud humor because the world needs more of this. Seriously.

  398. This is me trying really really hard not to say something creepy.
    Plus anything alive would have to survive shipping to North Carolina, so that puts a damper on it.
    A signed English book will suffice if I win. I WANNA WIN!

  399. Hope the new book is ALSO translated into Czech. Could be Mapudungun for all I know.

  400. I have your book, and I’ve already signed it from you: “Your BFFF, love forever and always, Jenny”–Not sure you can top that. (And yes, the extra F is for my favorite swear word.) But a signed soup satchel would definitely fill a void in my life.

  401. I would really like an autographed pegasus but not a mylittleponysus. Is that a thing? It should be. If I can’t have that, then an autographed copy of your American book version would be lovely.

  402. I got drunk a few weeks ago and casually told a bunch of people I can speak fluent German so I’m thinking I could use the German version as part of a long con scenario until they all assume I’m telling the truth or realize I’m a very dedicated liar. Danke!

  403. I’m conflicted because I really want an autographed copy in English so I can, yanno, read it. But seeing as you should never go to a party without a banana, that would be handy, too.

  404. Oh gosh, I can’t decide if I’d like the Czech or the Polish version – both covers are awesome. I guess I’d take the Polish version, I’ve always wanted to learn a new language. Plus my boss is Polish, so maybe I could write off the Rosetta Stone program as a business expense. Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

  405. Ha. So many entries! pout
    Well, I once spent several days trying to order one online, with emails going back and forth, but apparently South Africa is the smelly armpit of the world in Amazon’s eyes, and they wouldn’t ship here. Meh.
    English please? Either flavour. Although you can guess what type of English we are taught here by my spelling. 😀

  408. I DESPERATELY need a Unicorn Success Club mug. (But that’s only because I already have an autographed copy of your book. Because awesomeness.)

  410. Has it been published in Dutch? Otherwise anything signed by you would be awesome (live cats included). I loaned out my hardback and paperback copies and they haven’t been returned yet. I’ve asked for them back but to no avail. No more loaning of Jenny Lawson books.

  411. I totes want an autographed copy of your second book! Printed out in a binder is fine. 🙂 If that is a no-go, most def first book, in English. Please note my slang is used ironically and don’t use its presence to disqualify me.

    Thank you!!!! Rachel 🙂

  412. I already have your book and don’t read languages other than English with enough fluency, so please, if I win, send me a drawing, that you have drawn, of your picture with the curlers and hair dryer. Please sign it! <3

  413. vynikající! (that’s Czech for “Excellent!”, and I’m saying it in a Mr. Burnsian tone)

  415. Just noticed, I have the UK Hardback edition…except its paperback? Erm. Okay, now I’m confused.

  417. My wife is huge fan of yours. If you would sign a picture of yourself for her I think it would make her month. Or if you wanted to fly to Seattle and sign one or both of our Corgis that would be awesome as well.
    I don’t really recommend flying, or Seattle, but I do recommend Corgis.

  419. Hmm I’d love an autographed audiobook because that would solve the problem “read or draw?” I could do both at a time.
    Also I could lie to people I went illegally to US just to get the autograph. “Remember that time when you tried calling me the whole day and I didn’t pick up? I was hiding in the luggage compartment of a plane. Then I went to the signing and I hid with the Bloggess in the bathroom for a while. Then I hid under the floor of the plane on the way back.
    I don’t recommend hiding under the floor of a plane.”

  421. How about a hamster autographing a banana? I would be totally down with that kind of autograph.

  422. I discovered you about a month ago and LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your sense of humor but also love how HONEST you are with dealing with depression. I’ve spent the last month reading through your blog and I think my favorite post is the post you wrote after Robin Williams death (let me copy and paste it here for those who might not have read it): “We recognize the battle so many of us fight within our own minds. Tonight we remember those who’ve lost that battle, and we celebrate and salute those who continue fight and win. (And if you are reading this, you are winning even if it doesn’t always feel like it.) And tomorrow we will go back to face life with laughter and joy and ridiculousness because that’s what he would want. And because that’s what we need. And because I said so.”
    I don’t eat bananas cause I think they smell weird and I don’t need a hamster because, well, they smell weird too…Would love a copy of your book….

  425. As a German-English translator who had read and re-read and loved your book in English, I would love a copy of the German version. And I’d even give you my professional opinion of the translation, for free… 😉

  426. I’d love a signed copy of the book in English! I read it on Kindle and the pictures are very tiny on that screen and I feel like I missed out.

  429. So here is my plea for a signed copy…
    I was recently diagnosed wit Takayasu’s Vasculitis. I know it sounds made up but it totally isn’t and it really sucks. The thing is I am 27 years old and a single mother of two awesome children. Up until June 2014 I was relatively healthy, I would get the general crap my kids brought home from daycare and school but nothing major. I have been on steroids since September 2014 and it has fucked up my world. I have gained a good ten pounds so the insecurities I already have have become magnified because “Steroid Annette” is a fucking bully. Anyhow, I have been apart of your Lawsbian tribe for about two years and I must say without these wonderful people and without you I’m not sure that I would have survived my life. I have overcome some massive hurdles in the last two years and thanks to you I have been able to survive my health hurdles. I have learned to joke. I have learned to cry. I have learned to cope. So thank you for being you and for defeating the depression when it comes to play. It’s a mother fucker just like the untrustworthy “Steroid Annette.”

  431. I’d LOVE a signed English copy. You’re kind of my hero. No signed hamsters, please.

  433. I read your book on airplanes because it makes me cry-laugh and then people are staring which is hilarious! So, maybe I could cry-laugh at the Czech one with FUCK on the cover!

  435. Your book is a member of my “mile-high” club… It’s one I often take on airplanes… Hoping that if someone asks me about it – I will either scandalize them or make a new friend. Others among this group include Stiff by Mary Roach (almost any of her’s really), An Arsonist’s Guide to Writer’s Homes in New England by Brock Clarke, Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman… I am sure you get the point…

    All I want is some new suggestions (if you have any) of outrageous titles and stories… I am flying a lot in the next few months and I find that often a REAL book with a scandalous or scary title will keep people from talking to me in airports and on planes… THANKS!

  436. I’d love an English version signed by the whole motley crew: Bloggess, Hailey, Victor , the cats and Dorothy Batker.

  437. OMG, I just read the beginning on Kindle and am dying to know what happens! Please send me a copy before I resort to drugs to deal with withdrawl!
    BTW, I too was forced to learn square dancing in gym class in elementary school in the late 70s.

  438. Jenny, I’m very happy for you and your many translations! I’m so glad the Czech people understand you so well. Just reminds me that this is indeed a small world after all.

  439. I think an autographed book would be great. There are so many cool things I can think to ask for though, you rock and you have awesome stuff.

  440. I’ll need the newly translated version so I can show it to my husband and yell: “Fuck, Czech me out!” 😀

  441. I would love an autographed book! And can Victor write a note to my husband (who is soooo like how you describe Victor)? Something short and sweet like, “I know, man. I know.” He puts up with all my depression/anxiety/etc. and hardly ever rolls his eyes (where I can see).

  442. cake — always need cake! could you sign it too?
    second choice would be your audio book — signed, of course. you did a fabulous job with the reading! i borrowed it from the library to listen to it, but would love to own it.

  443. I’d be happy with any english version signed however you wish. I’m Canadian, but I’d be happy with a UK or US version..I gave my copy to someone to make them smile and it worked (well done you-thanks!) I don’t have the heart to ask for it back yet 🙂

  444. World renown! Such an accomplishment. 🙂 I’d love a signed copy of your book, any language. Let the cats pick.

  445. I would love a signed copy of your book. Is there a translation into British English? Most of the other interesting ideas wouldn’t get past NZ customs, BECAUSE NZ HAS AN EMBARGO ON FUN (and various microbes which could destroy our delicate ecosystem).

  446. I’m studying Latin. The Latin title would amuse me… although never as much as the book and the German translation- and the Czech! do. What I want is to see you in Buffalo, so I can take the Bloggess for wings.

  447. If you let Google have its way its the rather staid looking, Nos nunquam simula, but I’m imagining the entire book in chant 🙂

  448. Oh, please pick me! Please please please! I bought your book with real money! If you send me a signed one I’ll put it next to my TARDIS music box that is made out of a TARDIS cookie jar! Oh, please!

    Unless begging annoys you. Then, um, I would be greatly honored and humbled if you would bestow upon me the gift of your signature, m’lady.

    Pick one of those two methods, whichever one will work.

  449. I already have your book. Can I get something super fun for my little girl’s 4th birthday?

  451. Congrats!!! What an amazing great book I have gifted it several friends and they have all loved it too! Can’t wait for the next one!

  453. I’ve read your book twice (and really should give it a third read). I keep trying to get my wife to read it but it seems the more I pester her to read it, the lower it goes on her reading list. How much more persuasive can I get than reading passages to myself until I’m laughing so loud that she asks me to quiet down a bit? (Admittedly, I do have a very loud laugh.)

    If I win the signed copy, I’d like the English version. Despite studying Hebrew, Italian, and Russian during my school years, I remember only a few words of them… and only know some interesting Yiddish curses – not that there’s a Yiddish version of your book (though that’d be awesome, sadly, I don’t think there’s much of a Yiddish readership anymore). Anyway, if I win, please sign the English version for me. Whether you include a passage attempting to convince my wife to read it as well is entirely up to you.

    (BTW, the copy I own was a gift from my wife, so I can’t very well get rid of that one. I’ll just have to own two copies!)

  455. Thanks to you, I got to totally creep out my nephew with your friend’s taxidermied-mice website. He can’t even look at those D-Con commercials anymore without falling apart… THANK YOU! 😉

  456. Could you kindly send one of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” in every language, signed and also if you could ask Victor to send a tiny library so I can put it up outside my Brooklyn stoop. I figure I should share the love with all my neighbors no? Why should I only have the fun?

  457. Crap. I forgot to leave what I wanted in the comments so I’m hoping this isn’t taken like I’m trying to up my chances of winning by posting another comment… in Polish or Portuguese. Either is fine, really… 🙂
    Great book but it’s taking me forever to read it because my attention-span is broken. At least I get to enjoy it for longer!

  458. An autographed dwarf hamster, in chocolate brown color, would be great! If not possible, then i would definitely settle for a copy of your book. Audio or print, no matter. Afterall, when you can’t get an autographed hamster does it really matter what form the book is in?

  461. I’d love a signed copy in Russian, if you’ve got one. My 12 year old daughter has been teaching herself Russian, and she wrote me a Mother’s Day poem that mentions you…so she really needs to read your book. In Russian.

  463. I would like you to autograph my dog. I can ship him to you, shaved. If not, then just a regular autograph copy of your book would be dandy

  464. I would love a signed copy of our new book! I read your first book over and over, can’t wait for the new book to come out.

  465. OMG I’d love the Czech version, signed by you. 🙂 My parents are Czech, and they’re always telling me to practice my reading skills – how better than to do it reading your book again? I’d finally learn all the profanities they refused to teach me….

  467. I would love a signed Czech copy…if only for the fact that is has “Fuck” in crayon on the cover 🙂

  473. I really believe you haven’t made it till your book is translated into Latin for school students to be assigned. Actually I just wish I had had more books to choose from in Latin instead of just The Odyssey, The Aeneid and Cat in the Hat.

  474. The UK one please! The cover is so swirly. I had to see a new Rhuemy doc yesterday. I put your book in my purse for courage, it helped.

  475. US version! I asked for it for Christmas so i would have my own copy and didn’t get one.

  476. The many different ways your book is translated makes me so happy. And usually giggly. Wait, am I talking about your book or wine? I can’t remember.

    U.S. Or UK hardback edition (it’s so swirly!), signed “happy birthday motherfucker” or whatever the hell you want showing up on my doorstep would probably cause excited screaming. Sober excited screaming….I think.

  477. I’d love an autographed copy!! In English. Or American or whatever. Idk if it’s the same, but you get what I mean. 🙂

  478. OMG. First, loving the translation, especially what happened to the golden showers. Second, I DESPERATELY want/need a copy of your book (in English… probably the U.S. version, even though the U.K. version is so pretty) because I only have the audiobook right now. I’ve been meaning to get a physical copy for ages and people keep ignoring my pleas for it as a Christmas/birthday gift. Pretty please 😀

  479. how has no one else asked for a personalized soup satchel yet??
    thank you for continually making my otherwise boring workday marginally more entertaining.

  480. Has it been translated into Russian yet? Because if yes, then I definitely want that mothafucka. And I mean MF in the best possible way. But you know that I’m sure…

  481. That is the most awesome translation ever! I’d love an autographed copy of the Czech version just ’cause it’s cool!

  482. I would love an autographed copy of the UK version, but really any version signed by you would be as awesome as a cake made out of wine and Nathan Fillion… twine optional.

  483. Any chance of getting an autographed soup satchel? Cause that would be awesome! It will remind me of my grandmother who felt that restaurants put things like condiment packages, napkins, silverware, glassware… Heck, possibly tables and chairs out – was so senior citizens could steal them. You did NOT want to look in that purse- you’d get charged as an accessory….

  485. i was gonna say ” OOH, OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!” but then i read Andrea’s comment (#466) and so now i think you should pick her cause that’s just freakin’ funny y’know?

  487. I’m pretty sure I need cake at this point. That said, I also really want an english version of the book, so which ever works for you is totally cool.

  488. I would love the Polish copy, so I can give it to my parents. I was reading your book in the car and they were seriously conserned about me, now they can see what it was all about. But I would also appreciate a handcover copy of your book in english because my copy (the second copy) has made it through so many people that it’s looking like it needs to be retired to the bookshelf. Thanks for all the laughs!

  489. Regardless of whether I win or not, I need another copy in English. My mother swiped mine and won’t give it back. (She earns points for telling me she’s never read a book that felt so much like her daughter wrote it. Or maybe instead of a compliment to me, she meant you and I aren’t much alike and she’s getting rid of me and adopting you. Not sure Let me know if you get any “intent to adopt” papers from her—her mother’s day present is riding on this one.)

  490. You may have spread like the plague, but it’s a good plague. 🙂

    I lost my signed (from when you were in Seattle) copy when I loaned it to someone who didn’t return it. I’d love to have another one.

  491. Cake!! Actually I only have your book on my Kindle, so a copy in English would be great! Maybe baked inside a cake?

  493. I’d like you to ask Hailey what her favorite book is, then sign a copy of that book for me! 🙂

    (Not Hailey’s personal copy, of course. That would just be mean!)

  495. I want to take you to lunch even if we’d have to hide in the bathroom and drink margarita’s. Hell maybe that would be better than regular lunch.

    But if not I’d love to have an autographed copy of your book so I could lend out the copy I’ll already have without needing to worry about doing bodily harm to people who don’t return it. It made me laugh so hard I kept my husband up because the bed was shaking.

  497. I read the American English ebook, but I’d love to get the Czech version and translate the WHOLE thing that way.

  498. Congratulations! I don’t read Czech but I do read English so I’d be happy to have a copy of your book in English.

  500. A Czech book, please. (Czech book. Heh.) I studied Czech for several years (my maternal grandparents came from Czechoslovakia, back when there was such a country…) and remember perhaps ten words of it now.

    Surprised the Czech publisher didn’t change your last name to Lawsonova, to be honest.

  501. I was talking about you last week, and my mom says, “Oh, this is a friend of yours?” and I sort of told her, “Yes. You’d love her, except that she likes dead things like I do.” Having an autographed copy would totally seal the deal. Could you make it the British one, so that my ten-year-old Anglophile will stop talking about Minecraft mods for ten seconds? I’ll give you a coyote skull. (Lies? Check. Dubious parenting? Check. Bribery? Check. Done and…done.)

  503. I would like an autographed letter giving me a title of your choosing. A suggestion is “most awesome keeper of unicorns”

  504. I would love an autographed copy of the book in any language besides English. It would look perfect next to my Spanish copy of Harry Potter!

  505. True story: My husband waited on a line with all females at a local bookstore to get your autograph for me because I had to work that night. Since I already have your book autographed, I would love a signed hamster or other available rodent (taxidermied of course… I’m not cruel. It’s way too cold in my area to ship live rodents). Congrats, by the way!