bizarre – Page 8 – The Bloggess

Dear Google: Stop trying to help. You’re making it worse.

This morning someone asked me why there are 12 days of Christmas. And honestly, I have no fucking idea. So I decided to google it and then I stabbed myself in the head. Why? Because I don’t want to live in a world where so many people are asking Google ridiculous questions that Google is allContinue reading “Dear Google: Stop trying to help. You’re making it worse.”

It’s not what it looks like.

This morning my friend Kevin sent me this picture. Because it reminded him of me: And then I vowed never to speak to Kevin again because I’m pretty much unoffendable but there is actually a line and that line is babies-being-impaled by-penises-through-their-solar-plexuses and I was all “THAT SHIT IS DISTURBING, KEVIN. NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN” butContinue reading “It’s not what it looks like.”

Dear Dr. Pepper: You’re a damn liar.

I just went to the store to get Diet Dr Pepper and I ended up standing there for like 10 minutes just staring at this because…um…what? I even asked a clerk and he was all “Yeah, we didn’t understand that either. We decided to put it on it’s own rack so people can make thatContinue reading “Dear Dr. Pepper: You’re a damn liar.”

Nice girls finish drunk.

People always tell me I shouldn’t give money to homeless people because they’ll just buy booze with it and I understand that but I’ve been giving money to the homeless for years and if we all stop giving hobos money then the liquor stores lose and that’s what causes a recession. Then we’re all fucked.Continue reading “Nice girls finish drunk.”

For the love of James Garfield

When I say the name “James Garfield” if it means anything to you other than “that amazingly awesome were-bear-hog thing that Jenny was robbed of because her husband didn’t understand the importance of James Garfield” then you need to stop reading this and go read this first. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Done? Good. Because IContinue reading “For the love of James Garfield”

Japan, part 2 (ish): Tommy Lee Jones needs to mind his own business

OMG, you guys. I actually published a “part 2” to a post that I labeled “Part 1”. I think that’s the first time that’s ever happened. Is there a medal for this, or some sort of ribbon? If so, please mail one to me. Unless it’s that bullshit white participant ribbon. No one wants thatContinue reading “Japan, part 2 (ish): Tommy Lee Jones needs to mind his own business”