sickness – Page 4 – The Bloggess

This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias.

So the other day my friend (Tracy) was telling me about this documentary he saw about this woman who had a tiny upper body but everything from her waist down was enormous and I was all “My God. I bet her labia is huge” and that’s when Tracy put down his fork and said heContinue reading “This is like a “What I did over the summer” essay except it’s about giant labias.”

The ASPCA doesn’t care if your dog is awesome or not.

So lately my rheumatoid arthritis has spread into my feet, making it almost impossible to walk and Victor felt so sorry for me that he decided to get me a puppy, which is a lot like giving a piano to someone who is only a torso but WHO CARES BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING PUPPY!Continue reading “The ASPCA doesn’t care if your dog is awesome or not.”

If my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon.

So remember last week when my finger was swelling up and I thought it was cancer piñata? Turns out my doctor says it’s not cancer piñata because that’s not a real disease (yet) and instead she diagnosed me with rheumatoid arthritis. The day after I officially hit my mid-thirties. Then like 10 minutes later I got this emailContinue reading “If my liver doesn’t stop making me look old I will personally remove it with a spoon.”

My cat is worse than global warming.

Random crap I thought about this morning: I just saw this new rug that’s supposed to help polar bears or something. I don’t really get it but the little 3-D polar bear is supposed to make you realize why global warming sucks and then when people come to your house they see it and they feel bad andContinue reading “My cat is worse than global warming.”

High

Hi. Oh hi. I’m high. I just took 6 pills. 6 pills is a lot. But I’m alive and minus wisdom teeth. I thought I wrote a post explaining about being high earlier but I can’t find it? Where are you little entry about being high? Did I dream you? Did you know that I have 61Continue reading “High”

(Bone Graft) Vacation, All I Ever Wanted

So tomorrow I’m getting my wisdom teeth yanked out and bone grafts put in and I’m all kinds of excited. Why? Because tomorrow I will be drugged and will be forced to relax and take it easy. No worrying about work, no washing the dishes, no feeling guilty for watching Ghost Hunters and Frisky DingoContinue reading “(Bone Graft) Vacation, All I Ever Wanted”