The Bloggess

And that’s the secret to a 20 year marriage.

April 19, 2016in Random Crap

Victor is out of town but he constantly texts me because he knows I hate to talk on the phone and yesterday when I was picking up my meds I was digging through my purse for my debit card when a new text came in and I could see that the cashier was reading it but at that point I didn’t even care if she was judging me because it was pretty obvious I was there to pick up drugs to fix my head so she already knew what she was getting into, but then I looked at my phone and the texts showing were:

Victor: I just threw up in the airport. Then toilet water splashed on me and I might be dying.

me: Ew. I’ll distract you. There was a guy at the gas station with a t-shirt that said “WHILE YOU WERE READING THIS I FARTED” and now I know what I want for my back tattoo. Also, sorry about the toilet water. I think that’s how you get cholera.

Victor: Yes, I am looking for something to kill myself with.

So I looked at the cashier and she looked back at me and I was like, “AND THAT’S THE SECRET TO A SOLID 20 YEAR MARRIAGE” and then she really hurried to get me my meds so basically everyone wins. Except for Victor who is a super germaphobe and has probably scraped off all of his skin with a pumice stone by now.

I just want to thank you.

April 17, 2016in Random Crap, weekly reruns

This has been a rough few weeks for me (see the last post) but your words and cat videos have made me feel so much less alone and I can’t thank you enough for that. This video came in right when I was feeling particularly down and it made me cry, but in a good way. Thank you.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Serve your guest drinks with flair. And by “flair” I mean with metal chickens and raccoons.

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Vivian Swift, author of Gardens of Awe and Folly: A Traveler’s Journal on the Meaning of Life and Gardening. She’s a bad-ass artist and now I want to learn how to paint with water colors. Which is good because her blog gives great pointers on that. You should check both out.

I’m not quite myself right now.

April 14, 2016in depression lies

I haven’t been quite myself for the last few weeks. I’ve told myself that it’s hormones or my arthritis acting up or allergies or an infection and it’s probably all of those a little, but the truth is that it’s a low level depression that I’ve been fighting off. And that’s harder to admit because even though I know I’ll always deal with depression it’s so much easier to pass it off as something that everyone can relate to and that doesn’t make others feel uncomfortable or nervous. I say that it’s low-level because I’m still able to leave the house and laugh and be functional, but the level of exhaustion (both mental and physical) is so utterly wearing on me. I have so many half-finished posts or stories I want to tell you but I don’t have the energy to finish them or the self-confidence to think that they’re as good as I know they can be when I get my head back. Instead I take my frustrated artistic energy and draw ridiculous things and make notes to myself of things will be fun to write about when I get that part of my head back again.

Depression is a lot of things, but sometimes for me it’s like having people in. In my head. The same way it is when you have people in your house to paint walls or replace a ceiling or rip out the plumbing. You can still go about your life but you always have your guard up. You know that there are parts of your home that you relied on that are now torn up and filled with strangers. You know that in the end it will be worth it and that having people in, or having parts of your home raised isn’t the end of the world but it stops you, over and over. You switch on a light and remember that the power doesn’t work in that part of the house for now. You know it’ll come back, even though you don’t have an exact date when. You move in the darkness, a bit more slowly than ever. You avoid the mess when you can. You switch on the light (again) and remember (again) that there’s no power in that room. You do it again and again and again because even when you feel helpless you know that one day the light will come back. And to not try is to give up. And I can never do that.

So I’ll be here, trying the lights, and hiding in the rooms that are still safe and reminding myself that even when I think you’ll give up on me, you probably won’t. And I won’t give up on you either. I’m still here, even if you can’t always see me.

I’m just looking for the light.

Technically they’re my coworkers and I think they were trying to help.

April 12, 2016in Random Crap

Technically they’re my coworkers, and they were being helpful in their own way since they shorten all of my conference calls by at least 20 minutes. Also Ferris Mewler was meowling loudly because he wanted me to rescue him off a counter that he could totally get off himself, and Hunter S. Thomcat was slightly off-camera pushing stacks of paper off my desk while laying on my only pen. THANKS, GUYS.

WTF, Kevin.

April 10, 2016in Random Crap

No weekly wrap-up today because my head is full of stuffing and walnuts but I had to share this with you because this is exactly why we need to be prepared for the robot revolution. Because Kevin is a real douche-canoe.

PS. It strikes me that “douche-canoe” is still fun to say but it might be time for something new. Cock nugget, maybe? I don’t know. I’m open for suggestions.

These lemurs need us.

April 7, 2016in Random Crap

Someone just sent me this video and it’s supposedly the way that lemurs sunbathe because it feels so good that they lean back and spread their junk out so they can soak it all up everywhere and not get tan lines.

But personally, I think these lemurs just want hugs. They’re all “Get in here, lady! Ignore thosee signs that say you’re not allowed in the lemur pit. LET’S GET OUR SNUGGLES ON” but then we just take pictures of them being ignored because we’re assholes who don’t understand basic body language and also because I can’t pick the locks at the door of the lemur pits.

Also, on second viewing it’s possible that they are trying to catch birds, because that’s how I’d do it if I was a lemur. Just lean back and wait until they fly into your arms. Or maybe they want you to throw food at them. Next time you see a lemur you should have a coconut with you and you can be like, “GO LONG, LEMUR” and then spiral it right at him. But not super hard because they aren’t used to catching shit and they’ll probably get hurt. Just softly lob it in there, granny-style. Or maybe throw something softer, like a decorative pillow filled with shredded cheese. Or maybe throw a bird at them because then we test the bird theory and that’s two-birds-one-stone. Except don’t throw two birds or one stone because first of all no one can catch two birds at one time and if you’re throwing stones at lemurs you’re going to get arrested because that’s kind of a dick move. They don’t want your stones. They want your cheese. Or your loving. Or maybe the sun. I don’t know. I’m not a lemurologist.