The Bloggess

When I was in Arizona a few months ago I saw several things that I forgot to write about because I lost my journal.  But I just found it so here goes:

The first was this cactus, which seems to be wanting to escape.  It’s as if it was being a normal cactus and then suddenly said “Nope.  Fuck this bullshit.  I’M OUT” and then started burrowing into the ground.  It’s comforting to know even cactuses want to go into hiding every once in a while.

I also had an issue with mild paranoia because I felt like I was being watched and it turns out that I was being watched.  By this cactus.

And I was also being watched by a wild animal.  I live-tweeted it because I didn’t know what it was and twitter is like accessing the hive-mind.  Click here if you can’t see the video below:

First I thought it was a snake & then I thought it was a turtle who lost his shell & then I thought I shouldn’t be allowed to wander the desert unsupervised.

A video posted by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Apr 30, 2015 at 3:32pm PDT

Several people suggested it was an iguana but I explained that it was too fat to be an iguana and that I couldn’t properly capture how big it was.  Like, if it was a wallet I’d say, “This wallet’s too big.”

Apparently was the missing descriptor because then several people told me that the not-a-wallet was a chuckwalla, which I’d never heard of before in my life, but turns out it’s a lizard whose secret power is running so fast that it faints and also blowing itself up so fat that it becomes unable to be pulled out of crevices.  And I was like, defensively fat and fainty?  I’ve found my Patronus.

I made this last night when I was too sick to sleep:

There needs to be a better ending to this but Hailey and I are sick and going to the doctor so just give me the benefit of the doubt and pretend I said something hilarious.  Or yell at me and I will get fat and faint on you.  Choose wisely.

UPDATED:  Hailey and I have upper-respiratory ridiculousness so we’re on steroids and sleeping-on-the-couch therapy.  Someone send soup and give us good suggestions for what to watch on Netflix.

Okay, this is weird and might not even work because I’m doing it on my phone but I caught a UFO on my phone when I was taking pictures of a jackrabbit in a Texas cemetery.

To be fair, I didn’t see it until it showed up on the photo so I have no idea if it was flying but it’s something weird in the sky that wasn’t there and then was there and then wasn’t there all in the course of 2 seconds. I’m going to try to upload the picture I took a second before and a second after so you can see this weird and totally non aerodynamic thing that seems to be in the air.

Here’s the picture taken taken one second before:

And this is the picture taken a second later:

These are shitty pictures and I haven’t enhanced them yet.  I think if you click the pictures you can see them blown up.  Is it a bug?  A UFO?  A weird glitch?  A ghost fucking with me because I’m in his cemetery chasing rabbits?  No clue.  Love to hear your thoughts if you have some.

PS. It was St. Joseph’s cemetery outside of Fort Davis.  We didn’t hear anything and     nothing else showed up on the other pictures before or after.

PPS.  I feel incredibly stupid posting this

UPDATED:  We think we know what it is.  Click here for details.

Today we’re getting on the road to pick up Hailey from sleep-away camp, which is nice because it’s been entirely too quiet here and every day I worry that she’s not eating or sleeping or brushing her teeth or that her arms have fallen off.  We did get a picture though from her camp counselor and Hailey looks very happy but I couldn’t help but notice that she is missing a saddle.  Victor says that’s the second stage of horse camp…the part where you learn to ride bareback, but my first thought was that they’d run out of food and were boiling down the leather to eat.  Victor is probably right, but I’m still bringing oranges with me in case she has scurvy.

But while I’m gone, I’m leaving you with a short slow-motion video I took of Dorothy Barker jumping so you can see why I’m convinced she has mutant super powers:

PS.  This is how I look when my food comes too:

I was in New York last month recording the audiobook for FURIOUSLY HAPPY and I just realized I never wrote about the stuff I saw.  So here we go…

First off, am I the only person who sees human faces in non-human things?  Is that normal?  Because I kept seeing panicked, screaming faces on the plane:

Victor and Hailey came down for a few days after I was done so we took her to a toy store and Iron Man was there.  We didn’t get a picture with him because he was on break, and by “on break” I mean “hiding behind the green screen and looking as if he was taking a shit in the trash can.”  A normal person would have looked away but I am not normal so here you go:

Then when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder I realized that there was a small crowd of people on the street watching Iron Man possibly poop into his ironman toilet.  These were the people:

Then I looked back and saw Iron Man flash his hand-light-thing at them.  I tried to get a picture but I missed it and this is what I got instead.

Don’t fuck with Iron Man when he’s pooping, y’all.

At the same store they were selling a really unfortunately named candy:

So, does “dingleberry” not mean the same thing up north?  Because in Texas, dingleberries are the dried balls of feces that get stuck to the hairy buttholes of farm animals.  Is that not common knowledge?  Is this a tongue-in-cheek joke by Big Gummy Bear, or was someone in marketing fucking with them when they offered up that name and the execs were like, “DINGLEBEARIE?  THAT IS FUN TO SAY.  PRINT UP A BILLION.”  I suspect it’s the latter because I saw a ton of people stop by the display and all of them were like, “Yum!  Let’s get these!  Dinglebearies sound delicious!  What will they think of next?”  And that’s a good question and one I don’t think I want to know the answer to.

Then I decided to do a sight-gag by taking a picture of myself in the NYT building so I could tweet “I’M IN THE NEW YORK TIMES TODAY, Y’ALL” but turns out they keep those doors locked.  But then someone was walking out of the building so I grabbed the door before it shut and snuck in as he was leaving so Victor could take the picture:

Security didn’t think it was as funny as I did but on the bright side I did think it would be more entertaining to tweet pictures of me possibly being arrested.  And then I felt like this picture was a little boring compared to the picture I didn’t get of me not getting arrested so I didn’t share it.  Until now, that is.  Because I didn’t want to end with dingleberries.  No one wants that.