The Bloggess

I have an orange thumb.

September 4, 2014in I'm an idiot, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

I just found this in my pantry:

I can’t keep a houseplant alive to save my life but I can make my sweet potatoes grow into unwanted plants with literally no effort at all. I can only imagine this means I have some sort of super power which allows me to drain the life of fern and transfer it’s leaves onto a yam.

This is a terrible superpower.

Unless yam plants are a good thing. Are they? Could I just put a yam-growth in a vase and use that as my new houseplant? If they’re so hardy why don’t we grow them instead of the more easily murderable plants? I’m pretty sure the only difference between a yam-growth and a lily is that one has a better name. I just need to find a better name and then I can sell my accidental yam-growths and live off the proceeds. Something like “YaMandrake” or “Potato-Pansy”. Maybe if I keep letting it grow it’ll get really enormous and then I can create a portable yam hedge that you can bring with you to use when you’re stalking someone in the desert. BYOB. (Bring Your Own Bush.)

I just tried to look up “Can I keep a sprouted potato” but after I typed in “Can I keep a” google auto-suggested “Can I keep a wild rabbit, a gun in a car, a wild turtle or a fox as a pet“.

WTF, google. I just want to keep a potato.

Then when I added the “s” for “sprouted” google was like “OH, I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!” and suggested “Can I keep a shotgun in my car” or “Can I keep a squirrel as a pet“. Jesus, Google. I know I live in Texas but way to stereotype me.

When I got to “Can I keep a spr” google auto-changed the whole question to “Can you have a spray tan when pregnant?” I don’t know, Google. I guess? Why are you asking me? YOU ARE GOOGLE.

Remember when Google was there to answer questions instead of just raise more? Me either.

Eventually I typed in the whole question but all the links told me how to keep my potatoes from sprouting, rather than how to grow my sprouted potatoes into a giant bush. I considered googling “How to grow a giant bush from a potato” but I was afraid of what the auto-suggestion would be after I typed in the first part of that search, and so I decided to just give up and wait to see what happens with my potato. It’s like a science experiment, but in laziness.

Also, I glued some googly eyes on the potato so it looks more life-like, and will be less likely to be thrown away by Victor if the potato can stare at him accusingly. I was going to call him Mr. Potato Head but that seemed too obvious so instead his name is Samuel Ignacious.

Sam I. Yam. Naturally smiley. — Introducing Sam I. Yam. He’s naturally smiley and high in vitamin C.

I’ll keep you posted on my big bush.

PS. Victor just found Sam and he claims that what I’m doing is a very common children’s science experiment and he was like “Seriously? You never grew a potato plant when you were a kid?” He says I’m supposed to cut the potato and add water and put toothpicks in it, but that sounds suspiciously like a recipe and I think he’s just trying to trick me into accidentally cooking. He insists that every child made potatoes sprout into plants and I was like, “Not us. We were poor. Some of us had to eat our potatoes, Victor. We couldn’t all go around wasting toothpicks and putting googly eyes on our pet potatoes, Daddy Warbucks.” Then Victor countered that googly eyes aren’t supposed to be part of the science project but I’m pretty sure that just proves that he’s doing science wrong.

I have too much time on my hands and possibly watch too much TV

September 2, 2014in Random Crap

I’ve had a shitty week so I spent the last hour looking at these awesome House of Thrones posters and thinking about how much simpler things were back in the good old imaginary days when all you had to worry about were blizzard zombies, or assassinations, or being roasted alive by dragons.

Truly, those were simpler times.

But then I had to remind myself that there are so many good days ahead, if you know where to look and if you remember all the wonderful people in your tribe, or community, or house.

Thank you for being part of this house, weird and baffling as it may be.

UPDATED: Lots of you lovely House Bloggess members asked if I’d make this available in my shop and I’d love to but I’d feel weird about it because it’s based on Tom Gateley’s original design elements. Conclusion: House Bloggess is too ethical for it’s own good and deserves lots of good karma and also some burritos.

Yes, I am neurotic. Thank you for noticing!

August 31, 2014in Polls to help me win arguments, Random Crap, weekly reruns

I’m often described as being “highly neurotic” and I agree with that 100%. I just don’t agree that “neurotic” means what some people think it means. Some people go by the boring, standard definition as outlined in the dictionary describing someone who is “mentally disturbed, unstable, or unbalanced”. And while that’s all technically true of me, I think it’s important to point out that “neuro” means “brain, nerve or nervous system” so if “artistic” means someone with great art skills, then by that logic, “neurotic” would mean someone with amazing brain skills. In other words, you say “neurotic”, I say “incredibly intelligent.”

Victor rejected this logical conclusion because he says “that’s not how words work” but I suspect he really just disagrees because he’s simply not neurotic enough to understand me. He agreed completely. Probably for the wrong reasons though.

I’d petition Webster’s to add my definition under “neurotic” but I lost all respect for dictionaries last year when they changed the definition of “literally” to also mean “not really literally at all“. Literally. So instead I just wrote my definition of “neurotic” (in pen) into my local library’s copy of the dictionary, and I’d suggest you do the same. If you get caught just explain that you had to do it because you are dangerously neurotic and the librarians won’t mess with you because they’ll be intimidated by how smart you are. (But only after you show them the new definition of “neurotic”, which you just scrawled in their dictionary, so write quickly.)

Poll time!

**************

And now, time for the weekly wrap-up:

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

As requested a few days ago, I made some things based solely on the unsettling phrases people were looking for when they found my blog. I made a ton of variations because people kept asking for different things, so here are a notebook, already filled out card, magnet, mug, SFW shirt, NSFW shirt, NSFW shirt 2.0, and blank card.

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

Cards Against Humanity: A party game for horrible people.
And for when you’ve played so often that you’ve memorized all of the CAH cards, Crabs Adjust Humidity.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the fabulous Michael Meyerhofer who just released his first fantasy novel, WytchFire (The Dragonkin Trilogy, Book 1). Part Game of Thrones, part X-Men, Wytchfire takes place in a land haunted by the legacy of dead dragons, wherein those born with magical abilities are hunted down-sometimes, for good reason. As war roils across the continent, one mercenary finds himself caught in the middle. You should check it out here.

Search terms that make me question what’s going on in your life.

August 28, 2014in bizarre, blogging about blogging again, Random Crap, You people scare me and I sort of love it.

Every so often I look at the things people were searching for on the internet that brought them to this blog. Then I shake my head at humanity. Then I copy the least offensive but most baffling searches and share them here with you. Because I’m a giver.

What people were searching for on the internet this week that led them here:

“How to know I’m not in a coma”
“accidental lesbian”
“u didn’t have to hang up on me you shuld have told me u dont want me to call you poem”
“monkeys kissing people walk on the vagina” (It feels like there should be a period here, but I’m not sure where.)
“Miss Johnson you’re amazing”
“I want to eat you down into the belly.” (Wow. English is not your first language, is it? Because this is not a good pick-up line.)
“Our cat had 4 babies, now there’s 3. Did it eat baby?”
“Naked woman hula hooping”
“I don’t know what i just did. I just peed on my favorite adult cats.”
“Pictures of me naked” (You’re not doing this internet thing right.)
“Tell them other bitches funny songs. I’m the one dumb as a 62 ounce slurpee drink”
“tentacle pregnancy egg”
“Hire people to beat someone up”
“hemorrhaging & puddle of blood” (Why are you on the internet? GO TO THE DOCTOR.)
“Had nervous breakdown/now my daughter is “taking care” of me/what do I do?”
“I just cut five inches off my hair. how do i get my hairs back?” (Oh, honey. Bless your stupid heart.)
“I will never go back to jail.”
“Jenny Lawson is a tall treat.” (Aw, shucks.)
“dig dog up to see how he died” (I’m guessing he died because you buried him?)
“crafty unicorn made out of real hair”
“Fuck off. I’m fabulous.”
“Those chimpanzees will be sued”
“Is it ok to let my dog eat me?” (I don’t know what this means…but in any case, no.)
“how do you get the dog stop sucking the head eggs and let me have a phone number to call them people?”
“that one had hair on it”
“Gandalf, you better be at my door” (YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF GANDALF.)
“78 year old lady does her own home perms”
“How to remove tracker bug from belly button?” (I think you’re confusing real life with the Matrix again.)
“mushroom looks like snowman”
“guys sit on a buck of fireworks and pops the butt.”
“Something red is poking from my belly button.” (Is it a tracker bug?)
“What will happen if you let a moth in your ear?” (This is like the insect version of “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.)
“Why shouldn’t some cats play cards?”
“WHERE M I NOW?” (Based on your search, I’d guess “a bar”.)
“do-it-yourself cat costumes for toddlers”
“Did nellie oleson eat shit on little house on the prairie?”
“can you paint cat’s toenails?”
“Can I use butter on my dog?”
“Whatever happened to Lou Diamond Phillips?”
“Why does my cat smell my left eye?”
“why do blueberry unicorns cross the milk chocolate river when they could just fly to the other side?”
“Why is there a really long grey hair coming out of my stomach?
“What happens if you can’t dig up St Joseph’s body after your house sells?”
“What does it mean when someone says ‘Fuck yeah I like watermelon’?”
“Anyone having nightmares about Morgan Freeman?”
“Is it ok with Jesus when I am pretending to pray but I am not?” (Have you even read these other searches? YOU’RE FINE.)

I’m insulted in several ways.

August 26, 2014in bizarre, Random Crap, turning into a cat lady

I think most cats technically already have great mustaches, but you just can’t tell because we don’t shave the rest of their bodies, and I think that’s probably very sad for them because they can’t show off their dapper kitty facial hair.

Or at least, that was the reason that I gave Victor when he asked me why I kept trying to stick a fake mustache on Hunter S. Thomcat.

PS. This is unrelated but I thought I’d share. You know when websites use algorithms to figure out what you’d be most likely buy and then they put those recommendations on your front page? Yeah. So this is what Amazon personally suggested I’d want today:

What they said:

“Get Yourself a Little Something”

What they’re really saying:

“Hey! CHECK OUT THIS straight jacket! Buy some lizard feet! Treat yourself, ya FREAKY lunatic!”

And I think the most insulting thing here is that I actually am interested in all of those things and now I can’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to wear those Lizard Feet while I’m writing, but I can’t even have them because I’m allergic to latex. So now I feel bad for wanting them and also bad because it’s like Amazon is taunting me on purpose.

Also, when I went to look at the lizard feet Amazon told me that if I liked those feet then I’d totally want this shirt.

And they were right. The bastards.

I’m not talking ’bout the weather.

August 24, 2014in Polls to help me win arguments, Random Crap, weekly reruns

Conversation I had with Victor when he heard me singing along to Dan Seal’s “I’d Really Love to See You Tonight“:

Victor: Seriously? If there was a competition for fucking up lyrics we’d have to build another house to store all your trophies.

me: I’m pretty sure that’s how the song goes. “I’m not talking ’bout the weather. And I don’t want to change your mind. But there’s a warm wind blowing the stars around. And I’d really love to see you tonight.”

Victor: No. It’s “I’m not talking ’bout moving in. And I don’t want to change your life.” He’s talking about having a one-night-stand, not about the weather.

me: He’s obviously talking about the weather. He just predicted extreme winds capable of blowing stars around. That’s head-for-your-cellar kind of weather.

Victor: No. He’s implying that the stars of fate are being realigned for just that night.

me: So he’s just a dirty liar.

Victor: I guess.

me: Huh. Well, I wouldn’t trust that guy to tell me about the weather.

Victor: HE’S NOT TALKING ABOUT THE WEATHER.

me: I KNOW, VICTOR. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS JUST SINGING.

Victor: I give up.