The Bloggess

Yesterday I wrote about “doing the snake” because I thought it was a dance but then lots of people were like “What are you talking about?” and turns out it’s not really a dance at all.  But then other people argued that it was a dance and they were like “Oh, I can do the snake” but no one could agree on exactly what it was, and so I asked Victor and he said, “The Snake?  Yeah, I know that one.”  Then I did what I thought was the snake and he was like, “No, that’s The Wave” and so I did that Axl Rose shimmy dance and he thought I was having a seizure, and he explained that The Snake was that breakdance move where you get on the floor and make your body wave, but then he was like, “Hang on, no.  That’s The Centipede.”  So turns out that lots of people think that “Doing the snake” is a dance but none of us know what it looked like and I’m guessing it was something we all knew how to do until The Silence erased it from our collective minds for some reason.

Also on yesterday’s post, one of my favorite commenters brought up a product called Kitty Carpet, which I assumed was a throw rug for cats but which turned out to be a big, fat triangle of adhesive fake hair you can stick on your lady garden when you’ve had a bad wax job.

It seems like ripping off the “reusable downstairs toupee” would cause even more damage, but what do I know?  It comes in several colors, including one called “Michael Jackson’s hair” and I’m not making any of this up.  I don’t know if I’m more baffled by the product or the ad copy: “Long gone are the days of picking up hairs from the bathroom floor and saving them to make your own merkin.”

Also: “Infinitely reusable.”  Nope.  

Although, now that I think about it, this would probably be a great product for women who are afraid of men taking up-skirt pictures of them on the subway.  Or maybe a bikini bottom for women who are nervous about joining a nudist colony.  Or an actual toupee for real cats.  The possibilities are endless.  And by “endless” I mean “awful”.

PS.  I just found this video that shows a woman “doing the snake” and it’s worth watching just to see the snake.  Also, I think she might be wearing a really snazzy version of the Kitty Carpet that she probably made with her own BeDazzler.  Full circle, y’all.

I have about 8,000 notes on my phone that make almost no sense whatsoever because I write them in the middle of the night when I’ve had too little sleep and too much to drink, and then I look at them later and think, “What in the hell is wrong with me?”  This is one of those notes:

They say there’s more than one way to skin a cat, but isn’t one way enough?

I mean, there’s probably more than one way to take off your pants but that doesn’t mean you should try it. I suppose you could roll up the legs until they’re like a weird speedo and then slip them off but that seems like waste of time.

Also, why were so many people skinning cats when this phrase was popular? And why is it still with us today? Does it mean something I don’t know? Is it like “spanking the monkey” or “choking the chicken” or “flogging the dog”? Is it weird that I can’t think of anymore animal cruelty euphemisms except for ones about men wanking? Is the cat skin one a euphemism for girls? Because ew. I was considering calling my dad to ask how to skin a cat since he’s a taxidermist but now I’m worried I might accidentally ask my father about masturbation.

These are things that keep me up at night.

Oh, hang on.  I just thought of another one…”Doing the snake.”  That one’s not about wanking but it really seems like it should be.