The Bloggess

This cat = me trying to actually get work done.

This weasel = my brain trying to destroy me:

Me:  I have work to do.

Weasel: You should check the internet because  remember yesterday when that one person on the internet was wrong and it made you so mad, but not actually mad enough to register to leave a comment.  Go see if someone else left a comment calling them out.

me:  No.  I don’t care.

Weasel:  LIAR.  And check your blog because there might be a secret comment from Doctor Who asking you to go time-traveling with him.

me:  That’s not...possible.

weasel:  You hesitated.  You totally think it’s possible.  Quick – check twitter.

me: No.

weasel:  Just once.  And check your replies.  And check that girl you hate.  And check that girl you want to be more like. And check that girl who used to be on that show who’s totally crazy now and is posting insane shit that you can’t look away from.

me:  No.  I don’t remember her name.

Weasel:  Then IMDB her.  And then IMDB all the Anchorman quotes.  And then go look up all the trivia on the Mythbusters site.  And then go see if you were right about how many times the Vulcan mind-meld was used in the last movie.

me:  I already know it was two.

Weasel:  Victor says you’re wrong.

me:  UGH.  Fine.  I’ll just look that one thing up, but then we work.

**FIVE HOURS LATER.**

Weasel:  And those are all the ways in which you can die in a Disney park.  Now let’s wikipedia the most unusual ways to die ever.

me:  NO.  I HAVE REAL WORK TO DO AND I HAVE TO-oh my God, someone died from being smothered in cloaks?  Is that for real?

Weasel:  WIKIPEDIA IS ALWAYS RIGHT.  NOW CHECK PINTREST.  SUPERHEROES DOING FUNNY THINGS.  CATS IN BOXES.  OPEN YOUTUBE.  SOMEONE IS FALLING IN A FUNNY WAY AND YOU’RE MISSING IT.

me:  SHUT UP.  SHUT UP.  I NEED TO WORK.

Weasel:  What if someone just found a Sasquatch?  Quick – check the news.

me:  STOP IT.

Weasel:  Checking the news is mature.  It is immature to not keep a news website up all the time to keep up with breaking news.  WHAT IF THERE IS A FIRE MADE OF OGRES?

me:  You have a point.  Sort of.

Weasel:  Breaking news.  Someone called Kim Kardashian fat.  See if you think she looks fat.

me:  I DON’T CARE IF SHE LOOKS FAT.  I’VE NEVER EVEN SEEN “THE KARDASHIANS”.  I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.

Weasel:  You should probably see if their show is on netflix.  That seems like a big pop culture reference you probably need to know about.

me:  NO.  NO MORE TV.

Weasel:  Knowing pop culture is part of your job.  Just bookmark it for later.

me:  FINE.

Weasel:  Ooh!  There’s a new “Bob’s Burgers”!  If you don’t watch it it will go off the air and it will be all your fault and then it’s “Arrested Development” all over again.  Just leave it running in another window while you work.

me:  No.

Weasle:  It’ll be one thing you can check off your to do list.

me:  FINE.  But I’m only doing it while I answer emails.

Weasel:  Your computer just froze.  You can’t run that many things at once.  Go watch regular TV and eat a bunch of cake with your hands.

me:  No.  This is a sign that I need to stop watching tv on my computer.  WORK, DAMMIT.

Weasel:  You sound stressed.  You totally need cake.

me:  I DON’T HAVE ANY CAKE.  SHUT UP.

Weasel:  You should get some cake.   Can you order cakes like you order pizza? Is that a thing?

me:  I have no idea.  But it should totally be a thing.

Weasel:  OMG, THAT SHOULD BE OUR NEW BUSINESS.  GO BUY “IWANTSOMECAKELIKEYESTERDAY.COM”.

**FIVE HOURS LATER**

me:  What am I doing?  I don’t even know how to cook.

Weasel:  I think it’s called “baking” when you do it with flour.

me:  I’m pretty sure it’s called “cooking” no matter what.

Weasel:  You should look it up on the internet.  Hey, did you know it’s 3am?

me:  I hate you so much.

 

You know when you’re antique shopping with your husband and you pick up a dead animal and shove it around the corner of the booth while yelling a really well known meme, but then you’re met with silence and you start to think that maybe your husband just needs to get on the internet more often, and then you poke your head around the corner and turns out your husband is in the bathroom and instead you’re talking to an elderly lady who is very confused that a dead pheasant just threatened her?

I hate it when that happens.

Related:  I did not buy the pheasant because I spent all my money on a beaver-skin top hat, and the old man ringing me up was all, “Nice beaver” and I was like “Surely you must be joking” and he was all, “No, I’m totally serious.  This is good beaver.”  And then I screamed “MY HUMOR IS WASTED IN THIS PLACE” and the cashier looked a bit confused and Victor reminded me that not everyone gets every pop-culture reference ever made, and then I was all, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

In brighter news, I got a beaver-skin hat for under $40 and I feel confident that at least half of you have wasted your life enough to get all of the references in this post.

A series of texts I sent to Victor today:

me:  Hunter is acting insane.  He just put Ferris Mewler in a headlock.

Victor:  They’re fine.  Ferris looks sleepy.

me:  I’m pretty sure he was blacking out from the lack of oxygen.

Victor:  You’re overreacting.

me: Then he stalked me all day.

Victor: I don’t see him.

me:  HE’S HIDING BEHIND THE COBRA.

Victor:  Oh yeah.  He’s adorable.

me:  He just set fire to your office.

Victor: Stop texting me.

A friend of mine just told me that if you search for “giant dildo” on Amazon you get something very unexpected on the very first page of results.  So I tried it.  And she’s right.

I don’t even have the words, you guys.

Today is Mother’s Day, and while I think that being a mom is a crazy-hard job it’s also one that most of us wouldn’t trade for the world, so it’s always been a bit odd to me that we get to be mothers and we also get a day to celebrate it.  Not that I’m judging you.  Celebrate the hell out of yourself.  You deserve it.

But you know who else deserves it?  The women who have struggled to be, or are still struggling to be moms.  The women who want children but just aren’t in a safe place in life to have them.  The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina.  The women who miss the children they once had.  The women who miss the children they lost before they ever met them.  The women who gave up their children so their child could have a better life than they could provide.  The women who were raised motherless, or with shitty mothers, or who have lost their mothers and are reminded of how alone they feel.  Mother’s Day is a confusing, weird, very-seldom-wrapped-up-with-a-nice-commercial-bow sort of day, and as for me, I salute you all – mothers or not…you’re here.  You’re alive.  You continue to survive.  You are worthwhile and wonderful.  Never forget that.

********

On a personal note, today I’ll be remembering the children I carried who never lived…and the one miracle who did.

PS.  This is technically a terrible picture.  The lighting is weird.  I’m not wearing make-up and the sun is too bright.  It was taken with a crappy cell phone.  But it’s one of my favorite pictures ever.  Why?  Because Hailey took it when she was playing around with my phone and she turned it around, put her arm around my neck to pull me in closer and then took the picture.  One day soon she’ll be too old to be want to take pictures with me, but I’ll keep this one safe until she survives the teenage years and comes back to love her mom like I adore mine.

I’m incredibly lucky for moments like this, and I hope that I never forget that.