Today is Mother’s Day, and while I think that being a mom is a crazy-hard job it’s also one that most of us wouldn’t trade for the world, so it’s always been a bit odd to me that we get to be mothers and we also get a day to celebrate it.  Not that I’m judging you.  Celebrate the hell out of yourself.  You deserve it.

But you know who else deserves it?  The women who have struggled to be, or are still struggling to be moms.  The women who want children but just aren’t in a safe place in life to have them.  The women who don’t want kids and have to listen to a bunch of bullshit about how you’re only worthwhile if you’ve pushed a human out of your vagina.  The women who miss the children they once had.  The women who miss the children they lost before they ever met them.  The women who gave up their children so their child could have a better life than they could provide.  The women who were raised motherless, or with shitty mothers, or who have lost their mothers and are reminded of how alone they feel.  Mother’s Day is a confusing, weird, very-seldom-wrapped-up-with-a-nice-commercial-bow sort of day, and as for me, I salute you all – mothers or not…you’re here.  You’re alive.  You continue to survive.  You are worthwhile and wonderful.  Never forget that.

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On a personal note, today I’ll be remembering the children I carried who never lived…and the one miracle who did.

PS.  This is technically a terrible picture.  The lighting is weird.  I’m not wearing make-up and the sun is too bright.  It was taken with a crappy cell phone.  But it’s one of my favorite pictures ever.  Why?  Because Hailey took it when she was playing around with my phone and she turned it around, put her arm around my neck to pull me in closer and then took the picture.  One day soon she’ll be too old to be want to take pictures with me, but I’ll keep this one safe until she survives the teenage years and comes back to love her mom like I adore mine.

I’m incredibly lucky for moments like this, and I hope that I never forget that.

As many of you were watching, my auction for the “Possibly haunted robot that might eat you in your sleep” ended last night.  Shockingly 30+ people bid on it and it went for $75 more than I paid for it, which means that I’ll be sending my local no-kill shelter some cash because that’ll make me feel slightly less guilty when the guy who bought it has his face eaten off by a possibly-possessed broken robot during the night.

There were, however, some complications after the auction closed that caused it to be pulled off ebay forever.

Email from Ebay:

Date: May 11, 2013, 4:36:12 AM CDT
Subject: MC018 Listing policy violation alert:  (775046645)

MC018 Listing policy violation alert: (775046645)

You recently listed the following:
261210867986 – Possibly haunted robot might eat you in your sleep.

We removed these listings because you’ve had too many duplicate
auction-style listings that didn’t end in a sale. The items we removed
are duplicates of other auction-style listings that are currently active
on your eBay account.

And they’re right because do you know how many auctions I’ve completed for possibly haunted robots that might eat you in your sleep?  ALMOST ONE.  I say “almost” because the only one I’ve ever done was removed.  Seriously, it would be impossible have any less auctions for a one-of-a-kind (thank Christ) possibly demonic broken robot.

So Victor called Ebay and was like “What the shit, Ebay?” (I’m paraphrasing) And they said they’d made a horrible mistake and it was all good until they clarified that they were only mistaken about the exact ways in which I had violated the system.

Second letter from ebay:

Date: May 11, 2013, 8:49:26 AM CDT
Subject: MC018 Listing policy violation alert SR# 1-8650326259

You recently listed the following:
261210867986 – Possibly haunted robot might eat you in your sleep.
We removed this listing because it violates our policy under Undermining Trust in the Marketplace.
The listing page serves as the main source of information for buyers, helping them decide what to buy and what to expect when they get an item.  As such, the page should only be used to describe the item for sale and to professionally communicate seller terms.  Sellers can’t include negative statements or comments that undermine trust or confidence in the Marketplace.

The overall policy is intended to help sellers both set and meet buyer expectations in the Marketplace.  Some of the most basic things a seller can do is provide accurate and consistent details about the item and to be clear and specific about the terms and conditions of the sale.

In other words, “Stop being so creative, asshole.  People might actually think you have a cat-eating robot with children’s souls trapped in it.  Because people are stupid and we have to protect them from themselves.  Apparently.”  Or at least, that’s my interpretation.

Luckily, an awesome guy named Alex won before the auction was pulled and he’s already contacted me so everyone wins.  Except the soon-to-be-eaten-cats in Alex’s neighborhood.  Those cats are fucked.  Plus, I now have a brand new idea for a t-shirt.

I plan on selling one on ebay.  Described accurately.  Under the title “Actively Undermining the Marketplace.”  Because I have problems and I can’t help myself.

I apologize in advance, ebay.

Yes, I realize I just published a new blog post 12 hours ago but I’m posting again because I just found a website that changes your fonts INTO CATS.  Say goodbye to the rest of your week because…

Also, it’s Friday night and this is the highlight of my whole weekend.

I really need to get out more.

Last time I moved into a new neighborhood I posted multiple flyers about my missing rattlesnake until I practically got fined for too-much-awesomeness.  Or “being a nuisance” according to the Home Owners Association.

This time when moving into a new neighborhood I decided to do things differently.

Very differently.

Or, as Victor says, not really so differently at all.

I’ll keep you (and these) posted.

Three things that made a week full of rotten wood and crying in the closet turn around completely for me:

1.  The hundreds and hundreds of fantastic suggestions to the Rules For Life List.

2.  Finding the final Sookie Stackhouse book had been released and reading it in a single sitting.  STOP JUDGING.  THEY ARE AWESOME.

3. Finding out that my fucking amazing friend, Allie Brosh, is back from the dark side.  She’s one of the people in my life that truly gets what it’s like to be trapped in a full-on, completely-detached-from-reality depression and survive, plus she did it for about 87 years (in depression years) and that gives me such hope that even when it feels like my mind will never snap back…it always will.  Probably.   Now stop whatever you are doing and go read her blog.  But don’t crash her server.  So maybe go in alphabetical order, or by the age you lost your virginity.

I’ve made rules that I’m trying to implement in my life.  Want to see them?  Probably not.  But here they are anyway:

RULES FOR LIFE

1. Don’t be shitty.

2. Don’t make happy people sad.

3. Don’t make sad people sadder.

4. If more than two people tell you that you’re being an asshole, consider that maybe you’re being an asshole.

5. Flush the toilet behind you.  You’re grossing us all out.

6. Support the under-dog.

7. Critics aren’t automatically bullies and you’re doing yourself a disservice if you ignore all of them out of hand.  That being said, it sucks to read shitty stuff about yourself so find an honest friend to read your criticism and tell you if it’s something worth listening to or if the critic is just a crazy fucking douche-canoe.

8. Real bullies are complete assholes but they can’t recognize themselves as such so maybe spray paint an “x” on their forehead so that we can all just recognize them from a distance and ignore them.

9. Be stupid.  Be childlike.  Be ridiculous.  Be happy.

10. Don’t use the word “literally” when you really mean “figuratively”.  It literally makes me want to stab you a little but I don’t do it because that’s illegal and also because I have a very limited amount of knives.

11. Read more.  Watch shows that inspire you.  Embrace whatever makes you geek out.  Even if it’s Laura Ingalls.  Because Laura Ingalls is fascinating and there’s nothing wrong with obsessively knowing every detail about her life and death.  Stop judging me.  

12. Bite off more than you can chew.  You can always spit it out on the floor if you decide you don’t like it.  Women do it all the time.

12b. Embrace your flaws and foibles.  If people make fun of you, kick them in the back and then blame it on a ghost.

14. Don’t let other people on the internet tell you what to do.  Unless it’s this list.  Then I guess just use your best judgement.

15. Become a pirate.  Or a monster truck.  Or a space toddler.  Or a jacket.  That’s my favorite one.  I just jump on someone’s back and say “Sorry.  You looked cold.  Zip me up.”  It’s awesome.

16. Do something nice for someone you love.

17. Do something nice for a perfect stranger.

18. Do something nice for you.

19. Do ‘The Robot’.

20.  Add your own.  Go ahead.  You can’t fuck this up any more than I have.