This morning my friend Kevin sent me this picture. Because it reminded him of me:
And then I vowed never to speak to Kevin again because I’m pretty much unoffendable but there is actually a line and that line is babies-being-impaled by-penises-through-their-solar-plexuses and I was all “THAT SHIT IS DISTURBING, KEVIN. NEVER EMAIL ME AGAIN” but then he called me and was like “What’s wrong with you?” and I’m all “What is wrong with you?! Why would you even send me that?” and he’s all “Um…because it’s hysterical?” and I yelled “YOU SICK FUCK” and then he took me off speaker-phone and was all “Why are you yelling at me? This is totally your kind of thing” and I screamed “OBVIOUSLY YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL, KEVIN” and then he was like “Hang on…you think that’s a penis, don’t you?” and I was all “um…yes, because it is a penis” and he was like “WTF, Jenny? Have you ever even seen a penis? Penises don’t have teeth” and I was all “You are making this worse.” And then he sighed and demanded that I go look at the picture again. And I did.
And it turns out I owe Kevin an apology because it’s actually a baby in a chicken suit with an alien bursting out of his belly, which I kind of understand because when my kid was that age we put her in a cow costume and I was all “Something’s missing. Probably some sort of phallic alien eating through the baby’s sternum”. So this is me, alien baby parents, applauding you. Also, in the future I’d appreciate it if any pictures sent to me had a disclaimer stating “This is not a penis”. Unless it is a penis. Then maybe don’t send that picture. Unless it’s a penis I really need to see. I don’t know. Just use your best judgement. There aren’t any formal rules on this sort of thing.
*********************************
On a completely unrelated note, I didn’t do my weekly wrap-up on Sunday because something more important came up so I’m adding it here:
Last week on Ask the Bloggess:
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
- This blog was named a finalist in the 2010 Bloggies for Best Writing on a blog and Most Humorous blog. Immediately afterward I posted about my friend trying to commit suicide and then the post right after that contains possibly the most poorly-written conversation about aliens-that-look-like-penises ever published. People finding my blog for the first time are probably very confused right now.
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Sleep talkin’ man
- “Uhura has actual lines? Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do here.”
Comment of the day: I prefer my version. (My daughter was not harmed in the making of this photo.) ~ Pete
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Hahahahahahaha!
I can’t even keep up with who’s pissed about what anymore. I thought at first that maybe this was about PETA being mad that a fanged penis was violating a chicken.
Daddy Scratches´s last blog ..Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree … How did you get so smelly?
A penis? An alien? I totally thought it was a meatball sub. And now.. I’m hungry. Damn you innerwebs.
Mahala´s last blog ..Mission Complete
My only question is…of all 678942 million possible alien shapes, why choose “phallus”?
That looks like pretty much only facial expression that one could appropriately sport while dressed as a chicken with an alien coming out of its chest.
Well done, kid. You have mastered a fine art at such a young age.
Dani´s last blog ..Aren’t y’all glad you aren’t indie jake, he has to live with me…for sure now…
the baby’s face is the funniest part of the photo.
to me.
anyway…
@Stormy Cruz – Because that’s the chest-popping alien from the movie ‘Alien.’ If you’re gonna have an alien pop out of a chest that’s really the ONLY choice. http://www.ripleys.com/files/2009/12/chest-burster.jpg
Omgf…lol.
Penises don’t have teeth? Well, SOMETHING is biting me every time I touch myself.
I had that same picture on my blog back during Halloween categorized under awesome children’s halloween costumes.
Kirsten´s last blog ..A Store for Shims
I knew I shouldn’t have had that vasectomy. After seeing that photo, now I totally want a baby.
There NEEDS to be some formal rules for this sort of thing.
You are just the person to write them. You know *I’d* follow them.
harmzie´s last blog ..The Mark(er) of Integrity
Glad you explained what it was, because I saw exactly what you first saw.
~ifer´s last blog ..Voices in My Head
You know what’s worse than a baby in a chick costume impaled with an alien penis through the chest?
http://img17.imageshack.us/img17/8153/worsethanbabychickimpal.jpg
EdMigPer´s last blog ..Krugman Was Right, As Usual
That kid’s face is hilarious. A holy crap this is going to go in my wedding video someday and my future in-laws will see it. I’m fucked.
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Please Pass the Lotion
Oh, it’s an alien! I thought it was a hamster. Stupid me.
Aleutie´s last blog ..Funny thing about an inspiration
Listen, if you’re blog was nominated in any category you deserve to win over all the others because you are AWESOME. I had to read this whole post out loud to my boyfriend and usually he doesn’t laugh at things that I find on the internet but he laughed at this post. And he now wants that costume for our kid. I don’t think it would fit him though because he’s three now.
Thank you Jenny for being so damn hilarious, and starting my day off with a good laugh.
Randa´s last blog ..Creepy Dreams
I think that kid’s eyes says it all.
C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Another First
i totally thought that was a penis…
Tiffany´s last blog ..The Institution
No, no, the folks who found you via Bloggies found this post VERY funny. Okay, maybe not EVERYONE did, but I did, so there.
I was wondering why the stake through the heart of the baby chicken vampire wasn’t working, but now I understand. Thanks for clarifying.
Zombie Regina´s last blog ..Reanimate the Stains!
Even though it is not a penis, it still seems kind of fucked up, but I am kinda old and I find things fucked up easier than young people.
Cedarflame´s last blog ..Tilting at Windmills
Nonsense, she just dropped the kitty leg she was eating for breakfast. You guys are both sick and wrong.
Kristin´s last blog ..Boom boom cha cha Sigmas are the best. Whatever.
coolest. costume. ever. Something cute mixed with something totally creepy. AWESOME.
Kendahl´s last blog ..Tropical Traditions Winner!
You thought that was a Penis?! You’re sick! SICK! (Though I can see how you might think that[YOU"RE STILL SICK!])
I thought it was a dinosaur.
nevertheless we’re both wrong, but you should be more ashamed of yourself .
lol
Rebekah Mae´s last blog ..One of these things doesn’t belong…
That’s exactly what my stomach feels like this morning after eating a pound a brussel sprouts for dinner and drinking a bottle of wine.
how did that baby swallow the penis whole? blaaaaahhhh.
Patty Punker´s last blog ..lest we forget our cynicism
Wait. Penises AREN’T supposed to come out of the middle of your chest?!?!
I knew I should have gotten a second opinion.
moooooog35´s last blog ..Doggone Excuses
I’m totally stealing that bug-eyed alien host baby image for next year’s Christmas card.
Jacquie´s last blog ..A hui hou Hawaii?
Ok…that totally looks like a penis, but…I understood the reference. However, I am now going to use the disclaimer :”This is not a penis” every time I whip my junk out to see if it keeps me out of trouble. With the disclaimer does that make a difference? This does not bode well for me.
mepsipax´s last blog ..You guys scare me
My daughter said that picture was “horrible”. But then we clarified it to horrible in a “I laughed so hard I cried and maybe peed a little” way. Which really isn’t horrible at all. Unless you’re the one cleaning up the pee.
♥Spot
Spot´s last blog ..Did I say Lazy?? Whatev…
I was halfway through the recipes at Epicurious before I realized it was an alien, and not a toothy meatloaf penis. So thanks to you, I have to find something else to make for dinner.
Snotty McSnotterson´s last blog ..Imaginary Critic
I’m speechless. That doesn’t happen…well, ever. Until now. Good job.
Also, I’m glad you’re passing along the Sleep Talkin Man link. I think you may want to become bffs with that guy.
Also also, maybe I missed something, but what the fuck happened to Nancy W. Kappes, Paralegal?
Ambry´s last blog ..OH HI!!!
I’m still trying to figure out why it was necessary to dress the kid as a chicken first. Seems to me it just waters down the “penis coming out of the chest cavity” theme.
Upside: That child won’t even have to talk during future therapy sessions. It can just provide a slide show of early childhood photo ops.
The kid looks equally as disturbed as you intentionally were. Maybe even more so…..he probably thinks its a penis too..
Crystal´s last blog ..Yea..Ruined for life….THANKS!! wtf!??!!
I thought it was some sort of tragic popsicle accident……….
Dual Mom´s last blog ..Where’s A Confessional When You Need One?
I thought it was hilarious…but only because I knew it was an alien. BUT, the artist behind said alien intentionally made it phallic…seriously. Have you guys really looked at the aliens in the Alien movies? They’re totally penises with fanged wangs that shoot out of their mouths.
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&rls=gm&sourceid=gmail&q=giger&aql=&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wi
SEE!!!
EWWWWW… that so totally takes me back to the original Alien movie… those little suckers were creepy to the Mc Max!! Love the kids expression- it makes the pic!!
Barb´s last blog ..Anonymous…BITE.ME
By the baby’s expression, I think he was thinking the same thing as you.
Now I’ve probably offended the baby’s parents, who are like, “It’s OBVIOUS that she’s a girl.” Unless he’s a boy. Then they’re not offended.
Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Book Arsenal I
I prefer my version:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/pete_vh/4072451387/
My daughter was not harmed in the making of this photo.
Pete´s last blog ..On cromulence
Whew.
I thought that was some new Easter treat called Penis Peeps.
That was close.
Ed Adams´s last blog ..I’ll Be Back!!!
I am not sure there are penises we need to see as much as ones we want to see.
And how could you miss the teeth?
annie´s last blog ..Act Like a Lady
I would have missed the teeth too, but the kid totally has your OMFG-THERE-ARE-TOO-MANY-PEOPLE-AND-NOT-ENOUGH-BATHROOMS-TO-HIDE-IN look.
OMFG Jenny – I mean seriously WTF!?!
What I’m about to say has absolutely nothing to do with this post but… I can’t find any other f-ing way to get an email through to you. This could possibly imply 2 things: (1) I’m an fucking idiot and can’t seem to find a button that says “email the bloggess” or, (2) you don’t want to get an email from me. If option 2 is correct, I will be quickly developing a gigundus (and that’s BIGGER than ginormous) complex that will set me on an self exploration spiral to determine what’s so fucked up about me that you won’t accept my emails. Let’s explore option 1 (I’m an fucking idiot and can’t seem to find a button that says “email the bloggess”) – please respond with the actual location of the button if it, in fact, exists so that I can stop cursing your name and pulling my hair out in clumps.
BTW… this has all been a long, round-a-bout way of asking… what is the status of the book that you quit your job to write?
Jennifer
Ha! It’s on my “about me” page. jenny @ thebloggess.com. Still working on the book. In fact, it’s what I’m working on today. Slowly. Very, very slowly.
Chickens? Aliens’ quality standards have really slipped recently.
Ninja´s last blog ..The blood-sucking vampire squid
Is this the same Kevin you mentioned in your sex column? The one who needs “to put on hip-waders just to get through all this vagina”? Because if so, I’m pretty sure your first reaction was correct. That chicken-baby totally just got radished.
Evn´s last blog ..Overprotection Sets In
You, my dear, are very funny. Funnier even than Nads Hair Removal infomercials. Thank you, I needed a good laugh this week!
I totally thought that was a penis too!
PinkNic´s last blog ..Mind the Gap! (Dating in London)
THAT is NOT an alien. It is a penis. I don’t care what he says.
Congratulations on being a bloggies finalist. Frogpondsrock (who knighted Sir James Garfield a few weeks back?)(http://frogpondsrock.com) is a finalist for Best Australian and yes, I am pimping her a little bit, because I love her like that.
[Also, because if I don't, she may refuse to babysit my daughter when I need her to, seeing as she is my mother and all that.]
Veronica´s last blog ..Newspaper
Pete, you’re a sick puppy. You just made me laugh too.
Theresa Milstein´s last blog ..Book Arsenal I
I think your site hates me (or you do…how did you figure out it was me that, never mind…that’s not important). I’ve been trying to leave a comment for the past hour and the stupid little spinny firefox thing just kept spinning. Finally it’s letting me type (stupid Firefox). Any way to make a long story short (too late) I have to ask? Ummmm…penises aren’t supposed to have teeth? Then what have I been…? Uh oh…ummmm…gotta go…
lanned´s last blog ..No country for bad internet
Um, an alien isn’t that much better than a penis. I think some new friends are in order.
Sigourney Weaver has clearly had some work done.
Makya´s last blog ..Bigger Isn’t Always Better
Wow. I missed it. I thought you were offended because from the look on the baby’s face the lady has her right hand in the baby’s butt. Clearly.
Sorry. I’ll go look again. But somebody better explain the look on that kids face! STAT!!!!
What a fantastic outfit. Does it come in women’s extra huge?
Marinka´s last blog ..Obviously
Congratulations on your bloggies nomination *woot*
Kim (frogpondsrock)´s last blog ..Excitement plus.
Holy hell. I’ve got penis blindness or something. I glanced at that photo and totally missed the bloody mess sticking out of the child.
How do you suppose you cure a case of penis blindness? I’m hoping it involves tequila.
Huh…I though that was a penis too. Must be because either A) the dicks ive seen have in fact had teeth or B) its been so long since Ive seen a penis Ive completely forgotten what one looks like (Calm down sickos–Im not asking to see your penis–Im good with not remembering.)
singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Consideration
The expression on that kids’ face is totally “WTF?!? This is gonna put me in therapy for sure!” A lot more scary than the penis-alien.
Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..My Father-in-Law Hates Me
My friend saw the picture and assumed it was a penis, as well. Lol.
Penis…Peni…the plural of penis is Dicks… any way, Penises and Aliens are like synonyms for me I am not sure which is better but they both seem to want to live in me…yeah I know totally inappropriate but so am I. Inappropriate and unprepared as usual. Yet I still have an affinity for both so I really loved this picture as disturbing as it is. It made me feel at home.
I didn’t think it was a penis. It’s OBVIOUSLY a graboid from Tremors. Duh.
Stephanie L´s last blog ..Dear James Cameron
It’s clearly a penis with teeth. That poor kid. As if being in a chicken suit wasn’t enough, it’ll have to deal with having worn a penis with a facial expression his/her whole life. Tragic really.
Amy´s last blog ..Implements of Sleeping Convenience
It does pretty much look like a penis…perhaps if we could blow up the pic?? I dunno, i get the meatball sub thing too…
Levon´s last blog ..Another WTF, Ya’ll
you said douche canoe.
that…is the funniest thing i’ve ever heard…or read. not sure why though. maybe because i’m slap happy? i dunno but it’s really funny.
and that chicken suit totally looks like a willy the one eyed wonder worm…with teeth.
yep. sure does.
melissa´s last blog ..Sometimes I Just Have To Brag
ohhhh my Gosh. I’ve totally done stuff like that. by the way I live vicariously through you because you say things we all think, but I’m just a big prude so I don’t say them
Mamma M´s last blog ..Pushing the envelope – color by numbers printables for kids
It’s a zombie chicken! For those of you unfamiliar please allow me to introduce one of the greatest films of all time. “Poultrygeist”. See it. Love it. You’re welcome!
http://www.poultrygeistmovie.com/press/photos/
Screw whatever that is trying to burst out of little baby wee wee’s chest….the kid’s facial expression makes the pic absolutely priceless…
It’s almost like he/she is saying…”WTF! If this isn’t a joke God….and these are really my parents….I’m fucked….”
Roschelle´s last blog ..The P is for Philanderer NOT Pimp
So my boss walked by as I was reading this post, and gave me the most fucked up look. I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m into baby porn.
First of all, that kid’s face is priceless. Second, I TOTALLY thought it was a penis, and just assumed that someone as sick as putting a kid in a chicken suit to be impaled by a penis WOULDNT THINK TWICE about giving that penis teeth. Just sayin’.
Secondl, that is a lot of fuckin’ effort to go through to take a picture of your kid, in a chicken suit, with an alien coming out of him, and for what reason? I’m guessing Halloween. And later that kid’s parents are gonna be like ”look at how cute you were then!!” and that kid is gonna be like ”WTF Is wrong with you people?!? What is that?! IS THAT A PENIS!? OMG MOM YOU’RE FREAKIN SICK!” Therapy is where that kid is heading. Therapy.
That said it is hilarious tbh. xx
mesina´s last blog ..How to make his Valentine’s memorable
Hysterical! Just the whole thing…hysterical! You are the best!
LookieLou´s last blog ..The Mighty Blue Heron
Sick! This is just sick! I mean, seriously? I know the parents thought it was funny, but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s just S-I-C-K! You can’t do something like that to a child!
Dressing a boy as a chicken is essentially turning him into a bully magnet, for Pete’s sake! The poor boy is going to be wedgied and nipple turled all the way through college like this! SICK!
Cool alien though!
Roberto Teixeira´s last blog ..A Decade as a Linux Pro
When you get a cold you should try Chicken Penis soup. It will make you feel better.
It is not soup made from Chicken penises. It is soup made from Chicken AND Penises. Like Chicken Noodle soup…although I am sure there is Chicken penises in there, did you ever see how they make that soup? Now that I think about it the soup probably will not make you feel better.
Just have the penis.
William´s last blog ..Fake Hurry Up Shuffle
By the way…I am tempted to dial 867-5309 just to see if you will answer. I just don’t know the area code.
William´s last blog ..Fake Hurry Up Shuffle
i want you to know that i’m going to be using douce canoe in my everyday verbal warfare as heavy artillery. my husband won’t know what hit him.
douche canoe.
melissa´s last blog ..Sometimes I Just Have To Brag
Jenny,
YOU ARE AWESOME!
TRULY AWESOME… and right now, i want to just get on that fucking plane, come down… give you one tight HUG and come back…. ‘cos my three months old is yelling to latch on again.
i really am proud of you…. not always, like with this pic…. ewwww…. oh gosh, ewwww again…. apart from that, you REALLY are awesome! thats like three awesomes in less than 300 words.
-nee
neers´s last blog ..sum of now and then some….
At first I laughed. And then I was offended. And then I laughed again. Oh, you bring out the worst in me!
Jane´s last blog ..Hey, That Reminds Me!
I thought it was supposed to be a knife but then it looked more like a large turd, which didn’t make sense because it couldn’t cause that much tissue damage. I had no idea why you were upset: I didn’t think it could be child endangerment. Then when I looked closer, I saw that it was the chestburster from the Alien movies. Classic! It almost makes me want to have kids just so I can dress them up in silly costumes. Not just on Halloween, though. Every day. It’s prbably a good thing I don’t have kids.
kathcom´s last blog ..My Problem with Twitter and Facebook
People, isn’t it obvious? This is a CHICKEN with a SHOCKED BABY MASK. And a toothy penis coming out of it’s chest.
Julie´s last blog ..A Sweet Little Treat for Moi.
Long live H.R. Giger!
I’m just so relieved that we’re not the only ones who dress our kid up in inappropriate costumes when it’s not Halloween. We already have a penis costume for random dress-up days but now I’m inspired to make it bloody.
Bejewell´s last blog ..The Post With Lots of “Buts” and One Unusually Tiny Head
I just though it was an evolution from vagina dentata because, supposedly, anything girls can do boys can do better…by shoving their toothed penis through a wide-eye’d toddler in a chicken costume.
Lagunatic´s last blog ..Would you rather….
You’ve got mail.
Lee
Lee´s last blog ..Web Show Interview With Adam Baldwin!
The best thing about the picture is the baby’s expression. He’s all “WTF?!?” AND he’s got an alien/penis with teeth exploding from his sternum. Perfection.
I don’t understand why the person who sent it to you thinks it reminds him of you. You aren’t a chicken. You don’t have an alien ripping out of your chest. You don’t walk around with a surprised freaked out look on your face. Unless you are and do. Then never mind.
Condo Blues´s last blog ..Tooltalk: Let’s Compare Screwguns!
Look at that darling little terrified bebe!
I can see how, at first glance, the alien looks like a penis. Of course, some penises look like aliens…
I saw that photo before – it is SO gross, no matter what it is (and it’s hard to see what it is)
Elisa´s last blog ..Stella McCartney for Adidas, Spring 2010
In the 1979 Alien,the scene had originally called for an alien penis to jump out of Rigg’s stomach but Sigourney Weaver said there was no way she would share a scene with an alien shaft. Cameron caved and rewrote the scene. In fact, he had to change the entire biology of the hostile alien race to make the Riggs scene make sense. Weaver’s insistence probably saved James Cameron’s career. At least it saved “Alien” which was originally entitled, “Attack of the Alien Penises”.
I thought it was a penis too, and I was just staring for ages with my face all screwed up in disgust.
And then the wind changed.
pixielation´s last blog ..Going cold turkey. Or cold firefox.
It kind of looks like a stake driven through the heart of a baby nosferatu, except that’s a really big hole and also the stake has a head on it which looks penisy. I’m just sayin’.
I’m glad you were nominated for a Bloggy because that upped my votes to a whopping THREE. Seriously, I don’t read most of the blogs that were nominated. And I’m a film blogger and haven’t even heard of the film/TV blogs nominated. In short, you should win best film blog.
Stacia´s last blog ..Recently Watched: The Blackbird (1926)
And thus, I thought of you.
http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/epic-fail-dad-win.jpg