We've all established that Sarah has an anteater

in functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, I am totally overrated, I swear to God I donate to Doctors without Borders, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, The People's Party, why the terrorists hate us

Yahoo’s most popular news story last week was (for real, y’all) breaking news about an ant invasion in my neighborhood.  I heard there was also some sort of earthquake somewhere, but it wasn’t in America so no one cares.  Anyway, Victor suggested a pet anteater might stem the coming invasion so I went on the net and stumbled on this “I’ve got a sick anteater” forum which is the most unintentionally hysterical thing I’ve seen all week.  A few of my favorite lines: 

sarah~ My anteater is getting extremly sick what should i do?

dj ~IT’S A WILD ING ANIMAL SO LEAVE IT IN THE WILD you arrogant human. You make me sick.

Me from where i live ~ Hi I would be intersted in buying any of your large birds or any animals that die.

Julii ~ OK, now that we’ve established Sarah has an anteater…MAYBE SOMEONE CAN HELP HER WITH HER QUESTION.

Bigshlong247~ hey guys so i have 3 anteaters going cheep, I;m seeling them at about 600 dollars a pop, sound good?

anteaterfan420 ~ Sorry to hear your anteater is sick. Sometimes it is their food. Have you tried ants?

“Have you tried ants?”

Awesomeness.

Fascinating side-note: The anteater salesman had a chick interested in buying one but she was a little leery.  Like you can’t trust a guy named “BigShlong” peddling $600 anteaters on the internet  Come on, people.

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I’ve been asking the Houston Chronicle why Good Mom/Bad Mom never gets on the front page anymore and apparently they are not appreciative of titles about giving your child crotch concussions or arousing lude videos from Sesame Street.  I was going to apologize to my co-author Mindy for bringing down the tone of what’s supposed to be a sweet mommy blog and then I saw the post she just put up entitled “Orgy tomorrow night…Be there!” So basically we’re even and will never be on the front page again.

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Remember the Party for the People at Blogher?  I’m hearing from a few chicks that they’re feeling intimidated about RSVPing which makes me sad because seriously, people?  I hid in the bathroom at the last party and I have extreme anxiety disorder.  If I can go, you can go.  And when you get there just walk up to me and say “I don’t know anybody.  Help me.” and I will.  Because Blogher is all about acceptance and sisterhood and getting some of Dooce’s hair in a bag and chicks who are all too weird to relate to people in real life so they turned to blogging instead.  Everyone there feels like an idiot and secretly is terrified and sick to their stomach.  Come and be sick with us.  

PS.  Free booze while it lasts

Comment of the day:   I heard that if you sprinkle Dooce’s hair in the keyboard of your laptop you will win a Blogger’s Choice award within 2 years.   Within 1 if you have ROOTS. ~ Deb on the Rocks

72 thoughts on “We've all established that Sarah has an anteater”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I wish (I really do) that I could attend the Blogher event; it sounds amazing. I’ll look forward to the post-event posts and live vicariously through you.

    Good luck with the anteaters by the way. However, after reading the article on the invasion, it might be a good thing. After all, they do eat fire ants.

    Sara’s last blog post..When to Wink, When Not to Wink

  4. I can’t afford tix to BlogHer, but I wanna come to the party for the free booze.

    Yay for free booze.

    Paloma’s last blog post..My Twin

  7. In case you don’t get an anteater, sprinkling cinnamon in the corners of your house will screw with their scent trails, and at least keep them out of the house.

    witchypoo’s last blog post..Oh, Snap

  9. HMOG the crazy raspberry ants! My mother has staged a pre-emptive strike and has dispatched my dad to begin fortifying the premises. I wonder how long it will take them to march to Katy?

    I really hope “anteater” is slang for “vagina”. It makes me sad to think of some dipshit holding an actual WILD ANIMAL hostage because she saw one on cute overload and just HAD to have one.

  10. I think I just seriously cried with laughter over the whole anteater thing. OMG.

    I would LOVE to go to the party. Alas. Will not be in SF that night. So I will have to get sweaty and awkward Friday morning instead.

    Marilyn’s last blog post..You Need to Read – May 17

  11. You don’t want to see a sick anteater. When they puke, those narrow little faces act just like a fire hose nozzle. They can spew a long, long way. And don’t be standing in front of one when that happens. You get all covered in half-digested ant glop. That’s even worse than Hubba Bubba glop. Or so I’ve heard.

  12. Perhaps make it fancy dress, like people could dress as sick anteaters or BigShlong247.

    Or you could totally pimp MY plea to go to BlogHer and then everyone can stand around in the bathroom hiding with my picture on their coffee cups and wine glasses going ‘So what were we doing this for anyway? Hey cool! Look at me! I am Madonna in that crap eighties movie ‘Desperately seeking credibility’ while they dry their arm pits with the air dryer.

    It would be epic. And rather unhygienic.

    Kelley’s last blog post..Dunno what to call this, what about Kelley loses her shit again..

  13. Agreed about the BlogHer thing. Last year this poor woman looked so lost at the opening night party (the music was 130 decibels and it was pitch dark in there, to boot) and I introduced myself. She told me some bloggers she wanted to meet and I was able to point her right to them. She was off and running and having a great time.

    The best part was that she told me about her blog, A Mommy With An Attitude, and it is now one of my favorite reads.

    Its all about the sistahood of blogging. WE UNDERSTAND each other the way no one else can.

    Suebob’s last blog post..Place smells

  16. I read about those crazy ants. It’s like a plague or something. Good luck with that.

    And I so wish I could go to the Blogher preparty! I’m always looking for a reason to double up on my Xanax.

  18. I have had those Raspberry Crazy Ants (yes that is their name) at my house for a few years now…. THEY SUCK! You cannot kill them. They reproduce by the millions. You can just kind of keep them under control. That is why I am in love with my bug guy! He keeps them under control for me.

    I might need to get an anteater though if they have FINALLY made the news!

    I soooooo wish I could go to Blogher. *sigh* someday.

    Erica/TxGambit’s last blog post..The greatest love and the biggest heartbreaks

  19. Those ants are creeping me out. DUDE! You must keep them at bay at all costs. Have you considered installing a moat around your property? I did see a special last night on ants that showed some very smart ones in the Amazon somewhere that build bridges to cross small streams. I am NOT kidding. So not. They used leaves, and themselves, and then just walked across. But I gather if the moat were wide enough, they would not be able to swim across, and you’d be safe. It would also, of course, enable you to claim the title of Her Highness The Blogess, since only royalty lives in palaces surrounded by moats. So appealing, I know.

    On BlogHer and the People’s Party, if I really really really really want to be there badly enough, and if I work out at the gym a lot between now and then, do you think I might be able to sneak in in someone’s luggage?

    MommyTime’s last blog post..No Segues Have Been Harmed in the Creation of This Post…

  20. First, Does this not send chills up your spine? WTF? : Hi I would be intersted in buying any of your large birds or any animals that die.

    So what’s this guy’s story? Taxidermist in training? Alternative biofuels? Complete whackadoo?

    I think you know what my money is on.

    Oh and by the way, I don’t know what the hell alternative biofuels are. Now that I think of it, I don’t know what regular biofuels are.

  21. YES! I totally heard about this on NPR!!!!

    Now I know where you live….bwrahahahaha!

    It’s a good thing people are worried about the health of their anteaters. Otherwise, how could they rent one to us to deal with our own insane ant problems!

    I love that Roomba anteater model!

    CC’s last blog post..Frugal pizzas

  22. I saw a story on those raspberry ants here in Oklahoma. I guess we have some of their cousins here. They are freaky! There is a new business for you, Rent-an-anteater! Just buy a herd of them and charge other people to feed them. Perfection!

  25. I’d totally pay $600 to a guy named bigshlong, and I wouldn’t even have to see his anteater to do it.

    If I were going to be at Blogher, I would have already RSVP’ed. I heard that’s how you get more shwag or shwlog, or was it shlong?

    OMSH’s last blog post..Full Throttle

  26. I just read your comment on my blog and I think you WERE drunk when you left it…because this is some pretty funny stuff! How have I not found you earlier?? You are great and I’m totally putting you on my blog roll, since that is the closest I will ever come to having babies with you.

    ps Did I just make things weird??

    Kathy’s last blog post..Saturdays Question

  30. I’m just baffled that you guys have ANTEATERS. We don’t have those beasts in Canada.

    I am, however, married to a man that likes to refer to himself as “Bigschlong”. I can’t argue with that one.

    Angella’s last blog post..Chewy Granola Bars

  32. myocardia: My Jenny the Bloggess hasn’t been feeling too well lately. Anyone have any ideas?

    DunbAss123: It’s probably what you’re feeding her. Have you tried Xanax?*

    This comment was not paid for by any pharmaceutical manufacturer, although it IS available, for the right price.

  33. We had a one night ant invasion, and they haven’t been seen since. I think they are just biding their time until their attack plans are ready. Or something.

    “You arrogant human” is pretty much the lamest insult ever. I love it.

    -R-‘s last blog post..Cranapple!

  34. My better half keeps going on about “are you sure these aren’t the ants which are living in our coffee machine? Are you sure? Are you sure?”
    Maybe I should just buy an anteater to shut him up. I could chain it to the stove. Will it eat our giant cockroaches as well?

    Sophie’s last blog post..Happy Campers

  36. I think Bigshlong247 thinks “anteater” is code word for something else. Which would make the chat even funnier if you replace anteater with va-jayjay or the like.

    andrea’s last blog post..Back on the Home Front

  40. It’s really sad that we have to put up with crazy ants to get rid of fire ants. Then we’ll have to have even crazier ants to get rid of the crazy ants. And then there’s the crazy aunt issue.

    simplypink’s last blog post..a little pedi ps……

  42. I think that alcohol and Sprout belong together for many reasons.

    1. No adult should be subjected to watching it without booze.

    2. I’m convinced Nina has a flask up Star’s ass on the Goodnight show and she takes swigs during the commercials because she’s pissed off that she has to work at Sprout instead of on Telemundo.

    3. The creators of all kids’ shows are drunkards AND druggies. Cheap floozies, damnit.

    Tranny Head’s last blog post..Whacked Out Weekends: Name Tattoos

  43. If I would be willing to dress in full drag could I attend Blogher? LOL

    Jeremy, dudes are more than welcome. Come get your groove on. ~Jenny

  45. I clicked over to comment and starting reading comments about glop and suicide….
    Fun readership you have, I thought.

    Ooooohhhh, your comments link is at the TOP of your post. *head smack*

    So. Anteaters. You know they come with their own sound track and funky noises. And possibly visits from the pink guy himself…

    The Pink Panther, what were you thinking about? $600 offerings from BigSchlong?

    Groovy Post Jenny!

    Jen

    Jennifer’s last blog post..FUN MONDAY!

  46. #1 – Buy anteater to get rid of ants

    #2 – Buy Puma to get rid of anteater

    #3 – Buy gun to get rid of Puma

    Problem solved. Solid!

    (Meanwhile…I had to go to google 3 times to research this comment, just wanted you to fully appreciate).

    🙂

    Greta’s last blog post..Virgin Garden(er) Dirty Workout

  49. I cannot go to mommy summer camp and be at your party…because I have not been able to whore enough this year. Hopefully next year, I will make it.

    In my place I will send you the anteater I just paid $6 for from BigShlong247. All I had to do was tell him “mine was bigger” and he totally dropped the price. I just hope that it isn’t dead when it gets to you in 12-35 weeks.

    Faith’s last blog post..Another Case of TMI: The Crack In My Butt Crack

  52. I totally read that story last week and had a freaky ass dream about the crazy ants! They were indestructible the little fucks with their body armor and cartoon-like formations – you know the ones where they take the form of a missile and come after you. They hatched out of acorns that fell from the trees and we were hiding in the pool and they were attacking us there too. And no, I was not high when I went to sleep that night, unfortunately.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Bad News Bears

  53. I’ll be at the party. I won’t be at blogher but I’ll make the party. 😛
    and also, have you tried ants? I hear they make people rsvp too.

    30andflirty’s last blog post..Y-Me

  54. sorry I didn’t comment before. I just have deeply held ant issues. we have every freakin kind of ant imaginable in our house. we’ve been dosing the place with vats of carcinogenic pesticides but nothing gets rid of the little effers. I was in my home office and feeling some weird shit crawling in my hair, and I thought it was lice. IT WAS FREAKING ANTS.

    other than that, party sounds fun. but if it’s in Texas it’s a no-go, unfortunately

    manager mom’s last blog post..Of Breasts And Bacteria

  55. So I have a real job now where they actually make me do stuff, so it’s seriously cutting down on my screwing around time. I finally read your last three blog posts, and I just have one question: are you mixing meds? I mean, you’re seriously entertaining, but wow. I think someone’s dropping acid on you when you aren’t looking. Ask around.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..neurotic, party of one

  57. I was sooo nervous to go to the party! But I just found a few nice bloggers to ride with till the booze kicked in.

    And you all can ride me hard if you need someone.

    Lotta’s last blog post..Elkhorn Flea Market Pics

  58. Since I live in Utah, I will try and get a hair sample 🙂
    And I think hiding in the bathroom with you would be way funner, after enough free booze to make someone not say funner of course.

    Felicity’s last blog post..Trashy and love it…

  62. So here’s the thing…I think I rsvp’d, but is this the kind of thing you can come to with a kid strapped to your chest? Or will I need to wear a shirt over the Bjorn and play the, “I am barrel chested. That sound you hear is just an unresolved nasal passage issue I have,” card?

    amanda’s last blog post..One more minute

  63. Amanda, you can totally come with a kid strapped to your chest. The last one was a bit loud but we’re going to keep this one a little less “Studio 54” because we’re all old and deaf.

  67. I’m totally there! Nervous as hell, but there.

    And try olive oil where the ants are coming in. They won’t cross the line. Poor things get all confused and backed up like a bunch of Monty Python soldiers…but it works!

    Christine’s last blog post..Filler Post

  69. Are you going to be at the Caroline Co party? Because I’m totally having the same anxiety and wondering whether I should go and if I do whether they will have plants that I can fake being intersted in.

    By the way, the reason I am so behind is that I just discovered this morning that my RSS for your site was not updating. The horror! Catching up now.

    laanba’s last blog post..Robert Aspirin

  70. I’m going to try to go to the Caroline Co party but I need to find a babysitter. And some xanax. And something to wear that isn’t swim wear.

  71. I’ve heard that uncircumcised men refer to their “member” as an anteater, so I think Big Schlong is trying to tell us something.

    I can’t wait to meet you!

    To Think Is To Create’s last blog post..Memories

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