California Hemp and really important shit at the bottom of this post

in blogging about blogging again, functions I shouldn't be allowed to attend, phoning it in, terrible titles, The People's Party, why the terrorists hate us

You might want to skip these posts for the next few days because they will be even more unintelligible than usual because of spotty internet connections and rampant drunkeness.  Arrived in California yesterday to prepare for blogher parties after almost missing our plane because Laura and I were (seriously) too busy getting drunk in the airport to hear the scolding we recieved over the loudspeaker for holding up the plane.   California is gorgeous but I think I’m allergic to something here or possibly I’m having a reaction to the lack of pollution.  Laurie from Kirtsy has access to an amazing, empty house in San Francisco so Laura and I canceled our reservations at the hotel and are staying here.  When you stand on the roof you can see the Golden Gate Bridge and Alcatraz.  The people who live here must be crazy-rich because their house is insane and their fridge is filled with shit I get for Christmas but don’t eat because I don’t know how to.  Like kippered peppers and pluimot jam.  They have 18 bottles of Perrier and tonic water but not a single diet coke in the house.  Fucking disturbing.  So then this morning Laura made me coffee, which I never drink, but I needed caffiene because we were at Guy Kawasaki’s house until 2am stuffing swag bags for the kirtsy party and the People’s Party.  The coffee maker looked like an alien and the coffee tasted like it was made from cigarettes.  Is that what really expensive coffee is supposed to taste like?  It probably would have been better with sugar but apparently these people don’t believe in sugar (it exists, rich people) and at this point I’m considering melting the candy bar I have in my purse to distill my own.  Then, just when all hope was lost, I opened up the cupboard and found a box labeled “Organic hemp (with granola)”.  The granola makes it healthy, I guess?  Although I’m not sure how healthy it is to smoke granola.  I’d try it but at this point in my life I’m too lazy to even make a joint.  Dry weed…remove stems/seeds/granola(?)…mince… roll… Meh.  If I had the attention span to follow a recipe I’d make a cake. 

Freaked out about The People’s Party tonight.  It’s either going to be awesome or totally end in a mushroom cloud but just keep in mind that this is being thrown by 6 chicks with no money who just wanted people to be able to meet up.  We should be broadcasting live online if you want to stop by  to check it out but if you keep seeing a blank screen just know that we like to party quietly in total darkness and it has nothing to do with the fact that we just fucked it all up.

PS.  If you couldn’t make it to blogher this year you are my favorite person ever because I’ve had to miss them before and it sucks and I totally get that.  Just know that in the end, none of us remembers anyone we met so technically you could just say you were here and everyone would be “OH YEAH!  I met you!”.  Secondly, there are a shitload of parties and dinners and crap going on here and I’ve only been invited to like two which is actually awesome because it gives me time to just go out and meet people.  The best parties I went to last year were the small get togethers that happened in hotel rooms of people who weren’t invited to shit.  I missed most of the big parties last year because I didn’t even know about them (and neither did most of the other conference attendees because there’s just no way that everyone can be invited to every party) but I wouldn’t change my experience for the world.  My point is, if you are here you may hear about lots of parties and dinners and you will say “I wasn’t invited” a million times (I’ve said it about 5 times today) and you might be tempted to feel like an asshole.  Don’t.  Instead say “Nope, but I’m keeping my options open” because that’s what I’m doing.  That’s why you may see me wandering the lobby a hell of a lot looking for random strangers to bond with.  And if I can’t find any I’ll go rent some porn.  And it will be awesome.  My point is, don’t get your feelings hurt.  No one is here at BlogHer trying to destroy you.  Probably.  I don’t know.  I guess it’s possible someone came here to destroy you but it’s really unlikely.  Why am I talking about this?  I blame the hemp, which I just ate because apparently these people don’t believe in rolling papers either.  Anyway, whatever you do, come to the People’s Party.  The Westin, 8pm, Elizabethan room.  You have officially been invited by me.  And even better, they’re using my ipod for the playlist and it’s filled with shit like the soundtrack to The Little Mermaid.  Whoever put me in charge of music is a idiot.

Comment of the day:  Since you haven’t updated or tweeted I’m a little worried you’re passed out, wedged between the toilet and the wall in the handicapped stall, lying in a pool of urine and shoe-tracked toilet paper, and the toilet’s on auto flush, so it’s periodically splashing you when it flushes and your mascara’s running down your cheeks and you look like the opposite of Heath Ledger ’cause it’s black not white and no one’s missing you because apparently, the BlogHer attendees are so drunk there are no glasses left in the building. Or water (according to tweets), but what they don’t know is it’s splashing you on the bathroom floor.  Please tell me I’m worried for nothing and you just got arrested instead. ~ Robin (PENSIEVE)

123 thoughts on “California Hemp and really important shit at the bottom of this post”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. I stayed at a really richy house off the coast of South Carolina last Thanksgiving. Guess what? No sugar and bad coffee. Maybe it’s the same people.

    We found a bag of Hershey’s miniatures in the bag of the pantry (seriously, they had pantries instead of cabinets) and we melted them into the coffee. I took my coffee black, with one Special Dark and half a Mr. Goodbar.

    lora’s last blog post..quality

  3. I love that you drunken beeoytches would never know that I’m not there. I am so pretending that I met everyone.

    Have fun. Buy coffee at 7-Eleven. Hijack snacks and sugar from the People’s Party. Hide them in your purse.

    CarolynOnline’s last blog post..Bloggy Babysitting

  4. OK, that’s a better solution. I’m just going to conduct myself as if we actually DID get to hang out. Play along, ‘K?

  11. Girl you crack my shit UP! And you know you just wanted to be able to post a pic of Guy’s house and say that you have been there, before the rest of us.

    That house sounds amazing, but sorry you won’t be on site to hang around the hotel, you know, at 3 am when I can’t sleep and am doing jello shots off the chest of the bellhop. Fo-Shizzle!
    (disclaimer: T is a happily married woman who would never take a strange male into her room, but might actually do shooters)

    TLC@SendChocolate’s last blog post..SOMEONE Is Messing With My Son, And There She Is!

  13. I’m rooming with a lady I have never met who is invited to like a gazillion parties.

    I was wondering if I’d dyed my hair AND added highlights for nothing, but now I know it’s so I can drink gin and go to your party.

    anneglamore’s last blog post..Anne Glamore’s PSA

  14. Maybe next year my blog will be famous enough for people to actually care if I’m there. I’ll be on some panel to discuss bloggery or something.

    Or I could still be a loser who still has a blog people read once in a blue moon and never comment on (seriously, I have Google Analytics! I know you people are lurking!).

    Take lots of drunk pictures tonight. I want to see people passed out with vulgarities drawn on their face with sharpies college-style. Preferably Guy Kawasaki.

    The Introvert’s last blog post..that’s what friends are for

  15. ZOMG, perfect BlogHer post! I will be wandering aimlessly with Carl, the traveling fly swatter, hoping to get pictures with fabulous people like you. Seriously.

    See you TONIGHT!! wooFUCKINGhoo!

    VDog’s last blog post..VDog Needs Your Help!

  21. If only I could find someone to pay for me to go. *sigh* Alas, I’ll be here in Dallas praying my Internets work so I can watch the feed with a bottle of wine and cry about keeping my options open.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Day #7 – Crotch Shot

  23. Bummed I’m missing out and laughing at myself for being excited about a podcast of a party. I mean seriously, when did I become the person who watches parties online? I guess I just did.

    I hope everyone has a blast! Wish I was there. Maybe next year!

  24. Just wanted to say thanks for this:

    “PS. If you couldn’t make it to blogher this year you are my favorite person ever because I’ve had to miss them before and it sucks and I totally get that. Just know that in the end, none of us remembers anyone we met so technically you could just say you were here and everyone would be “OH YEAH! I met you!”.”

    Because I was starting to feel really bummed about not being there and that helped me to laugh it off.

    Laura P Thomas’s last blog post..The World Goes On

  26. i love you and i am highly jealous of your view of alcatraz in that awesome sounding house. the only reason i ever wanted to go was to see alcatraz and i missed the boat. literally, to alcatraz.

    i hope you rock that town texas-style!

    piglet’s last blog post..wife doesn’t always mean, woman

  27. I totally be there, but this whole gestating, miscarriage scare, bed-rest crap has me really bummed out. Have a drink or 10 for me.

    Nikki’s last blog post..Uh, ooops

  29. Expensive coffee should never taste like cigarettes. I know. I spend all my money on the stuff. This means that they probably have that stuff that is literally cat poop. (You know the cat eats the bean, digests it and then they process it into coffee. It sells for like $580 a pound.) I love coffee, but drinking cat crap and calling it “coffee” is taking things a bit far. You should probably make sure you get a tetanus shot and a rabies vaccine just to be safe.

    Also, I am at BlogHer. However, you cannot see me. I borrowed some of that invisible paint that Spongebob had so I could get drunk and pull pranks and no one would see me. I also got on the plane for FREE. Just make sure that no one gets me wet, because I don’t want Guy Kawasaki to see me all naked and drunk before I make AllTop.

    Mrs. Tantrum’s last blog post..The Humpty Dance

  30. Have a great time…wish I were there to meet you all.

    Maybe next year.

    Hey, do me a favor? Ask someone at BlogHer to have ’09’s conference on the EAST coast!

    Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..BlogHer Talk

  31. You are probably allergic to the smoke from numerous wildfires that are raging throughout the state. We’ve all (and I mean all 3 million of us) had runny noses for a few weeks.

    Or it could be pollen. Or pollution.

    Anyway, welcome to the (smoky) Golden State.

    Jen Maselli’s last blog post..Summertime And The Livin’s Easy

  35. Several months ago, my man asked me if I was going to BlogHer and I told him, ‘No, I don’t think anyone interesting ever goes.’ That was before I found you.

    Damn.

    Shout the C word for me, will yah?

    wendy’s last blog post..How We Do Henna

  36. No sugar or Diet coke? Are there rules about the quality of the items that come in that house? If so, how did they let you in.

    Sugar packets honey, start putting them in your purse. That’s how grandmothers everywhere get started.

    And I’m with Mary – telling everyone I was there, and just sticking by my story…

    kateanon’s last blog post..Bad wife

  37. I’m not able to be at BlogHer this year, and not only did I have to turn down invites to three fricking amazing parties which would have possibly resulted in career-advancing connections, but now I have to see this picture of you and Laura putting all MY swag into what appear to be adorable tote bags in the backyard of a place I was supposed to go to.

    Excuse me while I go find a local drug dealing-teenager.

    mary’s last blog post..Letterpressed tags

  42. I think it’s funny that Guy’s the one who posted the picture of you at his house. Like you’re the famous one. “Look, The Boggess visited my house!” But, none of us would know who he was if it wasn’t for you, so I guess you are the famous one. And we’ll all be virtually stalking you tonight from across the country. Fantastic. Ass.

  45. Are you kidding me? All I had to do to be your favorite person ever was stay home and miss out on (yet another) BlogHer?

    Well, shit. Now I feel like a total mensch for sending you weekly bouquets of flowers and balloons and BE MY FRIEND t-shirts.

    Filing this life lesson under the heading of POORER, BUT WISER. And vowing like hell to get my shit together for BlogHer next year…

  47. Just like, Madame Queen, this is the first time I’ve actually thought “Dang, I wish I was going to that.”

    Oh well, maybe next year. But prolly not then either.

    Kristine’s last blog post..Experimentation

  48. I also have the Little Mermaid soundtrack on my PINK iPod. I didn’t put it there for the kids either. 🙂 I am also proud to say that the adorable Cuppycake song also lives amonh my most played files.

    Damn… wish I wasn’t home missing the conference. Maybe next year, I need an excuse to visit the East Coast anyway.

    Polka Dot Mommy’s last blog post..Things I Love… Cookies and Milk

  53. All I can say is it looks like fun and I wish I was there. The only problem is I know many of the women would be saying, “Look at this guy just hanging around trolling the women.” When in all honesty I am just a nerd that likes to meet new people and I have found many of you intriguing from your blogs! All of the pictures shared has really made me miss CA as well. Enjoy your time there and be safe! Scratch that, I know you do not want to be safe…LOL

    ImNoBetterThanU’s last blog post..Google is watching…

  54. Well then I guess you’re my favorite person in the world because I’m so not there and now wishing I were.

    Feeling better knowing, however, that I could drive up there inside of an hour and ask Amy if I could use her clean toilet! 😉

    Maura’s last blog post..Flicker Meme, Take 2 – The Dark Side

  58. Staying at a rich person’s house in SF – that’s the way to fly! Now stock the fridge with Koolaid and the cupboard with Poptarts as a little “Thank You!” and to blow their little minds.
    Like they aren’t already with the hemp granola (yeah, SURE, that’s what that is!)
    Sigh…I just know you’re all having fun without me!

    we_be_toys’s last blog post..Much Ado About Stuff

  61. Chick I am at EVERY fucking party. And I am gunna enjoy watching porn with you too. Cause my face is gunna be everywhere you turn. Even the toilets, cause apparently that is where the cool kids hang out right?

    That is unless every blogger forgot my pic to take with them…. Then this comment is an illusion. I was never here. Look at the pretty shiny unicorns.

    Kelley’s last blog post..I ain’t got no more kidneys to sell…

  63. Have fun for me! Two years….that is when I plan on going. That will also be our 10 year anniversary, when we are supposed to go to Vegas and renew our vows at the Chapel of Love with Elvis – better start saving now. : )

    Tonya’s last blog post..The Borg Mother Ship

  64. Umm, you can’t roll hemp rocks into rolling papers, silly. You know those 2″ long glass tubes you’ve been finding all over their house? The ones with copper mesh stuffed into one end? THAT’S how you smoke hemp granola rocks.

  66. Hmmm. Now that I know the Little Mermaid soundtrack is spinning, I’m very jealous of all you ladies in SanFran.

    “I’ve got gadgets and gizmos a-plenty…”

    Kelley’s last blog post..Friday Top Takeaways

  67. Seriously? I made it to the Kirty chat to see what was going on and we got nothing but rolling flower – which made me a little dizzy – but had the BEST chat time ever with Izzymom (dude, ask her about living in the penis). So would not have gotten that in San Fran, so feeling like I got something good from BlogHerCon already.

    Anissa@Hope4Peyton’s last blog post..It’s like AA, but we’re allowed to drink

  69. I am 1/2 jealous that you are where I want to be (and, let’s be truthful here, the blogger that I might like to me) and 1/2 incredibly relieved that I am not surrounded by people who are all invited to parties that I’m not invited to. I don’t think I could handle this as well as you do. I do, however, now have a goal: not be a 40 year old who worries about not being invited to the big dance. Or maybe my goal is: get fucking invited to the big dance.

    Please don’t pass out in your own vomit. But please do take pictures of anyone else you might see passed out in her own vomit.

    well read hostess’s last blog post..Doh!

  75. Seriously, the drunk dialing you did to Van was the highlight of my Saturday.

    That and the big salad I got from Subway.

    See, now all the people at Blogher are jealous of my fun antics at home.

    Kiki’s last blog post..Atkins Wins New Losing Study

  79. Seriously, the drunk dialing you did to Van was the highlight of my Saturday.

    What? You drunk dialed, but not to me???

    Ass.

  80. I’m so sad I’m missing it! 🙁 But I’m happy that Chance is feeling better because of his horribly expensive antibiotics. 🙂 and also, I painted my living room instead of partying. I’m so cool.

    Aimee’s last blog post..Chance Update

  81. Since you haven’t updated or tweeted I’m a little worried you’re passed out, wedged between the toilet and the wall in the handicapped stall, lying in a pool of urine and shoe-tracked toilet paper, and the toilet’s on auto flush, so it’s periodically splashing you when it flushes and your mascara’s running down your cheeks and you look like the opposite of Heath Ledger ’cause it’s black not white and no one’s missing you because apparently, the BlogHer attendees are so drunk there are no glasses left in the building. Or water (according to tweets), but what they don’t know is it’s splashing you on the bathroom floor.

    Please tell me I’m worried for nothing and you just got arrested instead.

    Robin (PENSIEVE)’s last blog post..REVISED! Poodle skirts & bobbie socks, but only in my mind

  83. Good job scoring the fancy house with the foo-foo fridge. If you look behind the jam, there should be some a gallon of unicorn tears, and a few leprechaun scrotums you can also snack on.

    Spamboy’s last blog post..Purple Squirt

  84. Do you realize that I’ve spent this entire evening (and what? am I still up? Did I sleep through that last snack of fish tacos? shit.) looking for you in bathrooms.

    Let me say that peeking under the stalls for a woman with mini bottles of amaretto is NOT flattering when one is wearing a cocktail dress. This is a lesson I probably needed to learn anyway.

    I’m going to start checking dentist offices now.

    Mocha’s last blog post..Mallory This, Mallory That

  89. We didn’t make it to the People’s Party because Faith passed out (not from being drunk… obviously) – but I so wanted to see you. I looked and looked, and like everyone else – I was starting to get a tad worried. Glad you’re just safe and sound passed out in a bathroom.

    I heart you.

    holli’s last blog post..Still waiting, but Faith is out. [Flickr]

  90. No sugar in coffee?
    No Diet Coke?

    I’d rather be poor.

    Oh, who am I kidding. I’d give them both up for any kind of view…

    Also, I’ll be at the party in spirit.

    Raz’s last blog post..Open Up Your Eyes

  91. I had so much fun meeting you! I agree, that coffee totally sucked. But in my fantasy Blogher, I ran around the corner to the market and there were Diet Cokes for all! OK, that’s BS, I would have gotten an espresso machiatto with soy foam. Cause that’s what I drink. With MUY sugar, no hemp. Although I have been known to smoke granola.
    Well, truth be told, I was in Virginia for Blogher (VIRGINIA, not vagina…I tip my hat to Bejewell) but I’m putting it on my calendar for next year,as soon as I know the date.

    Rock and Roll Mama’s last blog post..Who says today’s kids don’t have good taste in music?

  92. You make me laugh. Lurking here for quite a while and wondering if I should start a blog. Decided that maybe it will be what helps me stay sane…then I look at you and wonder. But you make me laugh on a regular basis so if I go crazy I know I’ll be in good company!

    heartache heartburn’s last blog post..Why I am here.

  93. Missed. Every. Party. Sucked. And caught but a glimpse of you, ravishing in satiny green. Sigh. Was supposed to meet you, my husband is a groupie since your Ryan Reynolds rape post –that may rank as the oddest thing I have *ever* written.

    amanda’s last blog post..SlogHer

  95. Oh, okay, then. Um, I was there? We partied on a pirate ship again, like last year? What, you don’t remember? Too drunk, I guess, huh?

    kittenpie’s last blog post..Scenes

  96. Holy cats! I’ve been gone just over a week and it’s going to take me that long to read all the stories about BlogHer – yours is the best, by far my dear – condensed and concise.

    I have to tell you how much you rock. With all this drama cicrling, I hope you know that I am definitely thinking that “somebody” took your post waaaaay out of context and I am not afraid to state my opinion. From what I’ve read, you did what any other normal human being would do being called out in a public place like that after already apologizing for something (in my opinion) that you shouldn’t have had to apologize for in the first place. Does Dooce ever apologize? Anyway, I imagine she was the one feeling uncomfortable surrounded by people who are on to her – it’s probably a lot easier to do an interview on the Today show for her because there she can be her cold, distant self. Okay, nobody is going to pay attention to what I am saying anyway so I might as well say it: I think she isn’t all she’s cracked up to be. Of course I don’t know her (or you) IRL, and only base my observations by my rare fly-bys of her site, but YOU, YOU are so much more genuine, and I hope in the worst way that you aren’t getting too much flack for what you said in your own defense.

    Just wanted to let you know.

  97. Ok, I don’t know what happened and I’m hopelessly out of the loop, but Jenny you are the reason that I want to blog and you make me laugh more than anyone else, practically, so I am officially on your side. Unless the OtherSide gives me a dollar.

  100. Jen-Email me or call me beeotch. Sorry did not get to spend time with you at Blogher but will send pics of me and java jenn doing a pole dance on a cable car. quite tasteful. I can’t believe single mom seeking was at Guys and at Blogher as I totally wanted to meet her–but probably just as well that I didn’t as I was quite the lush.
    DM me or email me or else I won’t let you pimp my book anymore. HA!

    whitetrashmom’s last blog post..Best of WTM: Fakin’ It for the Bake Sale

  105. I appreciate the note about BlogHer, because I SO want to go next year, but I needed to know that it’s okay to not be the most popular person there or not be invited to parties. Because Lord knows I won’t be!

    Katie’s last blog post..Back from doctor….

  108. I give you kudos and credit. I happened to take a picture of you calling her out on her distasteful, ill-timed, mis-placed rant.

    You were standing behind me.

    I had my MacBook open and snapped a photo with PhotoBooth. Oh the powers of Mac.

    Take care and high fives from me 🙂

  110. Wow, all the DRAMA, and I missed it. Too bad! Where is Miss Bloggess? Is she still hiding out in a bathroom in California? I want to hear her updates and stories. So I’ve heard some “STUFF” went down with dooce, but haven’t heard exactly what. So, I’m nosey, and I want to know what happened.

    I -heart- Jenny and can’t wait to hear about your trip!

    Greis (Grace)’s last blog post..Like a Twinkie, but not…

  115. Have read ALL of the hulabaloo. Saw the clip on Gwendomama. You are a lovely woman. Bringing your post up in the context of dog killing and hydrochloric acid was inane. I would have fucking flipped out if I was so unfairly compared. You acted with FAR more grace and dignity than most anyone would have (and might I add far more than Heather herself!). You should feel proud that you were able to stay kind. Especially in the face of Heather who reminds me of a nasty junior high cheerleader.

  116. I’m going to BlogHer with you next year.
    I wanna be your ‘entourage’.

  121. Ok, I have been dying to comment on your blog. One of my dear friends who shall remain nameless attended BlogHer this past weekend and was also a keynote speaker introduced me to your blog. She then arrived back home and proceeded to tell me about the drama. I just want to tell you that you are H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S! Since I am not a real blogger, I feel compelled to say that a certain blond egomaniac blogger who shall also remain nameless needs to get OVER HERSELF. I find it so ironic that this certain ex-Mormon called you out for complimenting her, but wait- didn’t she get FIRED for writing nasty things about her boss on her blog? Pot meet kettle. The best part was that she was not satisfied after calling you out during her session (btw- kudos to you girlfriend for pulling your balls out of your throat and owning up), but then proceeds to tell the SF Chronicle that she left BlogHer early because she is so famous in the blogging community that “because her biggest fans – other bloggers – tend to react to meeting her by publishing every detail, and sometimes those details are less than kind.” S-E-R-I-O-U-S-L-Y???????

    It is so obvious that she used you as a publicity stunt. Take it as a compliment that she is so-ultra sensitive that what you said got to her and was manipulated into an ugly myth and she needed attention so badly she felt the need to make her feelings public. She needs to up her meds and if she were smart, she would realize that the original word deuce means two. In my family, we refer to having to go number two as taking a deuce. As in “I need to drop a deuce” or ” Heather is a deuce head” or “That blond egomaniac’s blog is a boring piece of deuce”.

    When my friend who shall remain nameless told me about this, I felt your pain sista. Just wanted to you to know as validated by our loyal fans comments that YOU ROCK!!!! Keep doing what you do.

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