I know I said I’d have more info on the People’s Party today but apparently I’m a big fat liar. Instead I’m going to show you a screenshot of my email. Please keep in mind that all of these emails are from real people and are not spam. (Click to enlarge.)
Also, I just got a package from the girl who sent the email with the subject line “Pig heart in the mail”. I’m afraid to open it so I’m going to post this and if I don’t post an update it’s probably because I’m dead.
PS. I want to be buried in a giant pile of marshmallows instead of a coffin because it’s cheaper and also ecologically sound. And mourners could eat them while they mourn and no one can cry eating marshmallows and someone would do that thing where they try to stick the most marshmallows in their mouth and they’d choke to death and then I could be buried with that person, like I’m some kind of marshmallow pharaoh. Also I’d like to have a pony buried with me in case they don’t have cars in heaven.
UPDATE: Opened the first layer of packaging. Contains brown paper packages tied up with string. Except the brown paper packages have robots drawn on them.
UPDATE 2: First package contains buttons with angry lego crossdressers on them. Also a bag to put dirty underwear in. True story.
UPDATE 3: Opened the second package from pig-heart lady. It’s a sleeping bag for Barnaby Jones. And it’s awesome. For me. He hates it.
UPDATE 4: Fuck. It’s a duvet, which apparently means “bed cover”. So I’m supposed to stick old underwear and towels in the first sack and then put the duvet over it and it makes a dog bed. Which is awesome. Except that I don’t have any old towels or underwear.
UPDATE 5: I mean, I have underwear…just not enough to fill an entire dog duvet with.
UPDATE 6: Problem solved. I stuffed the duvet with a car battery. Awesome.
UPDATE 7: Dog refused to get on duvet. Instead I stuffed the duvet with bag of wire hangers I was going to send back to the cleaners.
UPDATE 8: This dog is an asshole.
UPDATE 9: Okay, I took all the hangers out and when I walked back in the room the dog had put himself back in the bag. He looks very proud of himself. The cats are giving me a look like “we totally warned you”. They totally didn’t. These cats are assholes too.
UPDATE 10: Me: I HAVE NOTHING TO PUT IN THIS DUVET TO MAKE IT LOOK NORMAL. Victor: How about the dog’s old bed? Me: I hate everyone in this house.