Snow cone machines are the new trampolines.

Phone conversation with my husband while he was out of town:

Victor: Hello?

Me: The snow cone machine is broken.

Victor: How the hell did you break the snow cone machine?  I just left this morning.

Me: I didn’t break it.  It just stopped working.  I’m getting on twitter and calling for a boycott on snow cone machines.

Victor: How is that going to help? Most people don’t even have snow cone machines.

Me: I’m just so pissed off right now.  There should be a diagnostic thing on the snow cone machine like Onstar, so it can tell me when it’s about to break.

Victor: That’s not how Onstar works.

Me: It’d be all “I’m your snow cone machine.  I’m gonna break tomorrow because I suck.  Don’t get your mouth all ready for a snow cone or anything because I’m unreliable.

Victor: Please stop breaking things in our house.

Me: I DIDN’T BREAK IT.  I’ve spent the last hour trying to fix it.  I thought maybe an ice cube was stuck in it so I stuck a knife in the gears to feel around and then the knife got stuck and then I was afraid the knife would break off in there and then when it finally turned on a knife-blade would shoot out and kill one of us but then I got the knife to come out eventually so no worries on that.  Problem solved. Except that the snow cone machine still won’t work and now two of our knives are bent.

Victor: Why are two knives bent?

Me: I had to use one as a lever to pull out the other one.  I’m like McGuyver, with knives.

Victor: Are you doing this to me on purpose so I don’t leave you alone anymore?

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.  If I was doing this on purpose I’d break something I don’t actually need.  Like the oven.

4 hours later:

Victor: Hello?

Me: Good news! The snow cone machine works.

Victor: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah.  Turns out all the outlets in the kitchen stopped working.

Victor: Huh.  That’s…not really good news.

Me: I know, right?  I have to take the snow cone machine into the bedroom to make snow cones.  It’s like we’re living in the fucking wilderness.

Victor: No, dumb-ass.  I mean, it’s not good news that none of the outlets in the kitchen work.  Is the refrigerator running?

Me: I’m not falling for that.

Victor: It’s not a fucking joke. The fridge is in the kitchen with the outlets that don’t work, right?  Is it still working?

Me: Oh.  Yeah.  That’s where I’m getting the ice for the snow cones.  But none of the other plugs work.   But you know, actually? It’s kind of nice having a snow cone machine in the bedroom.  We should probably get two.  One for the kitchen and one for the bedroom.  We’ll be like rap stars.  Except instead of stripper poles we have snow cone machines.

Victor: Don’t call me anymore.

Epilogue: Turns out the GFCI outlets were overloaded and Victor had to reset them when he got home and he acted like he was all amazing for being able to fix them but turns out all you had to do was just push a button. I could have pushed a button if you’d just told me to push a button but no, I had to live with a snow cone machine and a blender in the bedroom for three days because Victor wanted to be a hero.  Whatever. The point is that we have a snow cone machine.  In the bedroom.  That’s how you know we’re successful.

Disclaimer: To be completely honest, the only reason we even have a snow cone machine is because I wanted one of those refrigerators that has an ice-maker in the door but we couldn’t afford it and so Victor bought a snow cone machine to distract me.  It’s totally kick-ass.  And it comes with its own foot-pedal in case you get tired of pushing a button for your snow cones.  Because it’s exhausting making snow cones, apparently.  So yeah.  I can make snow cones just by leaning.  I’m kind of a bad-ass.

Comment of the day: I had this Snoopy snow cone machine as a kid…you stuck ice cubes in the roof and then pushed on Snoopy’s ass to hold the ice cubes in while turning this hand crank on the side of the dog house to shred the ice cube.  It took fifty ice cubes to get like, one cup of “flakes” and by the time you even GOT to that point, the first ice cube flakes melted. So you just kept cranking the damn handle until you had blisters and a cup of water. I think my mom bought it to make me crazy. I hated that stupid Snoopy snow cone maker. More like a glorified water fountain. ~ Jessica

130 thoughts on “Snow cone machines are the new trampolines.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I hate how you can never find the syrup about 5 minutes after you buy the machine then all you have is shaved icecubes which are boring. Victor needs a superhero GFI man costume then he will be distracted too.
    .-= habanerogal´s last blog ..It’s been a month now =-.

  2. i think you need to take the boycott to twitter. just out of curiosity, is it a snoopy snow cone maker? because i feel that’s the only REAL snow cone maker out there.

  3. I actually do have a snoopy snow cone maker but no, this is a super industrial snow cone maker. It kicks Snoopy’s ass and you don’t end up with bloody knuckles like you do with the Snoopy version. Except the Snoopy snow cone maker is way cooler looking so design-wise I guess it wins.

  4. I sympathize. I am rarely allowed to touch anything that plugs into the wall, as I’m likely to break it and then “fix” it in inappropriate and not terribly helpful ways. Over the weekend T asked me to pick up some cord thing at the Apple Store since I was going downtown anyway, but instead of trying to tell me what to get she emailed me and told me to just hand my iPhone to someone at the store and tell them I needed them to make me buy what was in the email. It is the high-tech version of having a note pinned to my shirt.
    .-= Annabelle´s last blog ..Swallowing Sharp Objects Never Sounded So Good =-.

  5. i thought everyone had a snow cone machine in their bedroom. mine is right next to my smoothie maker and Margaritaville from Sur La Table with the salsa container.

  6. i just saw the snoopy snow cone maker in the backtobasics toy catalog, apparently its a classic toy. i loved mine, maybe i need to get me one and put it in the bedroom next to the vibrators
    .-= dina´s last blog ..I am A Glassblower =-.

  7. OnStar: “This is OnStar, we have detected a crash of your snow cone machine. Is everything okay? Do I need to contact emergency services?”
    Frightened Customer: “Help me, I need a snow cone NOW!”
    OnStar: “I’m sending a signal to reset your snow cone machine.”
    Happy Costumer: “YAY, you fixed it! I love you OnStar!”
    OnStar: “You have a nice day now, and don’t stick that knife in the snow cone machine anymore… yeah, it tells us that shit, too.”
    —That’s the power of OnStar—

  8. Victor: No, dumb-ass. I mean, it’s not good news that none of the outlets in the kitchen work. Is the refrigerator running?

    Me: I’m not falling for that.

    Well played.

    I used to have a pasta machine that made fresh pasta. I’m not sure why I had it because I’m pretty certain pasta was always available in bags at the store.

  9. i had never thought before about demonstrating dangerous incompetency to prevent the boyfriend from never leaving me alone.

    so thank you.

    although i’ll have to ensure it’s not on too grand of a scale or else i might have child services at my door.

    and even though i can be overly stupid and often codependent i don’t want to lose my kids…just force the boyfriend to never go away.

    is that twisted?

    no, i don’t think so either.

    it’s just love.

    andrea:)
    .-= andrea´s last blog ..every girl should have a happy box of her very own. but i don’t recommend allowing ghetto access because then you’d have to stop wearing your bra and start smoking roll-your-own ciggy’s. =-.

  10. Jenny. Can I grow up to be you? I mean, I cannot currently make a post on my blog because Clay is sorta-kinda-ish in the middle of using the post I made last week as a jumping off point for helping me (o.o) but, YOU HAVE A SNOW CONE MACHINE IN YOUR BEDROOM. I want to move in. wait… no, victor is a republican and I don’t deal well with republicans so I can’t grow up to be you. crap. also that would mean no Jaymie. …I should have thought this through. That’s okay though, because in a couple years I’m going to have a BALL-PIT in my guest bedroom, last.fm style: http://blog.last.fm/2007/12/21/blogging-from-the-ballpit

    SO I WIN! … I really should have thought this comment through before posting it. Because now I look stupid. sigh.
    .-= patientes´s last blog ..I Answer To No One and Am Made Nobody’s Heir =-.

  11. We have a cheap-ass snow cone machine. We hardly ever make snow cones because my son sucked half the syrup out of the bottle and used the other half to dye a cup full of his pee blue.

  12. The same thing totally happened to me except our apartment is shit and the building is like 50 years old so it has only those old kind of fuses that are impossible to locate in a hardware store so when I blew several fuses trying to get the wine chiller to work in the living room, I had to move the Christmas tree into the kitchen, which was pretty awesome except that we were without power in half of our apartment for about two months because, like I said, you can’t get those fucking ancient fuses anywhere . So I left the Christmas tree up for six months to make up for it, and also to bring joy into our decrepit little home.
    .-= emvandee´s last blog ..My First Pavlova. =-.

  13. I feel like Victor should have a hotline number we can all call whenever we get lost or something breaks. He wouldn’t even have to answer, he could just pre-record a bunch of sayings like, “No dumb-ass, that’s not a good idea” and, “Are you sure you unplugged it before you stuck the knife in,” and, “How are you lost again?!”. I, for one, would totally call that number.

  14. Did you use your rattlesnake pelts to fund the purchase of your snow cone machine? Just wondering. Snow cones are tasty treats though. Oh and Victor is a hoot “why are there two bent knives?”…dude you crack me up!
    .-= Jenn´s last blog ..Vomit Sunday =-.

  15. I had this Snoopy snow cone machine as a kid…you stuck ice cubes in the roof and then pushed on Snoopy’s ass to hold the ice cubes in while turning this hand crank o n the side of the dog house to shred the ice cube.

    It took fifty ice cubes to get like, one cup of “flakes” and by the time you even GOT to that point, the first ice cube flakes melted. So you just kept cranking the damn handle until you had blisters and a cup of water.

    I think my mom bought it to make me crazy. I hated that stupid Snoopy snow cone maker. Stupid. More like a glorified water fountain.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..halloween is in october, people. october! =-.

  16. You are my personal Lord and Savior.

    I used to work at one of those snow cone places, Tropical Sno, when I was 14 or so. I remember that when I went from 13 to 14, I got a raise. I made, like $400 a month selling fifty cent sno cones. You’d be surprised. I used to mix all the different syrups to make sno cone awesomeness. The best one was Apricot, Lime, and Pineapple syrups. It looked like nasty boogers, but I just closed my eyes when I ate it.

    At one point during that job, I felt like I was getting fat, what with all the free sno cones I was allowed to eat. So I cut myself down to 1 sno cone a day. And did nothing else. And in a month, I’d lost freaking 20 lbs. Ah, the metabolism of youth. I miss it. And so does my waistline, which has been on a long journey of self discovery, trying to find itself after the metabolism of youth abandoned it. Bitch.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..She Gets Me =-.

  17. i know this is a question only a dumb-ass would ask, but here goes: did you at least unplug the thing before you tried knifing it back to life? if so, kudos on your safety protocol. if not, please refrain from attempting any further electrical repairs. and abandon the idea of mixing margaritas in the bathtub. uh-uh, no buts!

    you are hilarious. victor is a very patient human being. either that or he’s got a killer xanax prescription.

  18. I have you RSS feed that I enjoy reading…just wondering why you don’t send out the short feed thus forcing people to your page & creating the potential to increase your adverstising revenue/site visits. I would think it would kind of suck if you did that since I’d have to visit this page to read it and it is just a matter of time until my company bans your website. However, you need to start saving money for things like wheelchair ramps and trained monkeys to comb your hair when your RA kicks into high gear in a few years. Maybe your are selling your snow cones to fill up your rainy day fund but I was just wondering

  19. Did you take out the trampoline from your bedroom? Is it really worth replacing the one I have with a snow cone machine?

  20. I don’t really want a snow cone machine, but just a really beautiful man to make me snow cones whenever, wherever I have the need of one. He would need to have a snowcone machine, but not a terribly huge one because he’d need to lug it around and always have it at the ready. So a small, efficient snow cone machine.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..Jesus hates fossil coral =-.

  21. I would seriously sit in bed and eat snow cones all day (As opposed to, sit in bed all day. Joking…kinda). I think you should also put an ice maker in your room. It’s too hard to run back and forth between the bedroom and the kitchen.
    .-= Brooke´s last blog ..It’s in the Bag =-.

  22. I have never wanted into your bedroom more than I do right now. Before you call your lawyer you should note that I said *never more than right now* which technically could have been zero, but is now something infinitesimally more than zero, so that’s a correct statement and not creepy at all. It’s because of the snow cones!

    So, um. Tell Julia I said ‘hi’!
    .-= harmzie´s last blog ..Paring =-.

  23. Wait a minute, you’re telling me that I could have my very own snow cone machine? And that instead of waiting for the crappy annual summer festivals to start just so I can shell out $4 per cone, I could make my very own snow cones daily – and IN MY BEDROOM??

    Why the hell am I wasting time in class? I should be at home, eating delicious snow cones in my bed while watching ‘Color Splash’ on HGTV!!

    (Not that your blog is a waste of time, because I am in love with it and it keeps me from eating a pencil in boredom.) (Also, I know what I’m doing after class – and I better be able to buy a snow cone maker in this crappy town, or I swear heads will roll.)

  24. So what you have is like the Margaritaville margarita maker for Snowcone machines? Dude, you are living the high life. Yeah, I’d think the rappers would be all jealous if you make Cristal champagne flavored snowcones, and if you invite some of them, they may be really excited and decide to gift you a stripper pole. You should tell Victor this plan. I think he’d like it.
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Herald to Halloween? Walnut that looks like Jack Skellington =-.

  25. I think your Victor and my Brent should get together and compare notes. You know, they could form a support group or something.

    I typically fuck something up on a weekly basis around here. I save the really bad expensive things for when he’s out of town on business because that’s just how I roll. Then we get to sit on the phone for 3 hours trying to figure out how to fix it, and who to call.

    Sno-cone machine in the bedroom, huh? Kinky!
    .-= Candice´s last blog ..Reason number 1,302 why your patients should ALWAYS have their call bell in reach. =-.

  26. I think Victor was amazing for resetting the GFCI, because he didn’t use a knife and did not electrocute himself or any other member of the household. Because, um, somehow I think you + pushing a button to reset electricity = catastrophe of biblical proportions.
    .-= a´s last blog ..Travels =-.

  27. A snow cone machine in the bedroom is just genius. Next you should move your microwave into your bathroom, next to the toilet of course. Then move your coffee maker to the shed and the waffle iron into the attic. To balance it all out, you should move your alarm clock to the kitchen, so it doesn’t feel like its being abandoned.
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday – The Wii is more powerful then drugs. =-.

  28. Oh – I forgot to add: No, I don’t read the thirty-billion comments before I post my own. I like to keep my own little comment idea mine…and if I don’t read anyone else’s, then technically I didn’t copy. They just said it first.

    AND I’m not allowed to reset GFCI’s anymore. The last time I did it resulted in a $200 electrician bill. I tried to keep telling Tim (the husband) that I didn’t DO anything…he wasn’t buying it.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..halloween is in october, people. october! =-.

  29. If ever you want your husband to fix something, like the clothes dryer, and he’s either procrastinating, or blowing you off (or both!) just say, “That’s ok honey, I’ll take care of it myself”. Then grab yourself a butter knife like you’re gonna go take the dryer apart with it. Believe me, he will suddenly become motivated to fix the dryer before you can damage it any further! (and, by the way, I HAVE taken an entire dryer apart with a butter knife. Putting it back together…umm…not so good.)
    .-= Leah´s last blog ..A boobie kind of blog =-.

  30. Wanna help me write my psychology paper? Seriously, I have to write like I’m the psychologist, talking to a patient about time management. (notice I’m supposed to be writing it NOW, but instead I’m HERE writing my 3rd comment in a row!) Anyway, wanna be my patient? It would be SO FUN! Bet I’d get an A, which would be great cuz it’s hard to go back to school at 42 years old and have all these kids in class that don’t know who Mork is, and they all have damaged thumbs from years of video games and texting. And they’ve never heard of a station wagon! Can you believe that? They grew up riding in car seats until they were 40 pounds, where I grew up riding on my mom’s lap in the front seat, or napping in the back window of my dad’s car, OR…all of us playing card games together in the back of the….gasp…STATION WAGON! So…wanna be my patient?
    .-= Leah´s last blog ..A boobie kind of blog =-.

  31. I just recently found my old snoopy snow cone maker (I will not use the word machine here, it was cool, but not THAT cool.) I loved that thing.

  32. I’m thinking the foot pedal is for people with no arms. Why should they have to do without snow cones just because they have no arms?

  33. I feel like a total loser. I’ve never had a snowcone maker! All I got was that stupid easy back oven as a kid. It was stooopid. Now I know why I have all these problems as an adult. pft.
    .-= peedee´s last blog ..She’s my sistah!! =-.

  34. The only good thing about being in the hospital is the crushed ice they give you so you won’t throw up. If everyone had a snow cone machine at home, it would help solve the health crisis we have right now, because less people would go to the hospital for crushed ice and just make it at home. Except insurance companies probably wouldn’t pay for them so there still is a crisis and it’s all AIG’s fault. That last part is probably more true than I meant it to be.
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Duh =-.

  35. At some point there is going to be a book of all of these. Or another one, if there is one already. And one of these books is going to become an Audiobook. I pray that you get to read your own entries, because then everyone can hear you in their heads, when they read these entries, like I do.

    JennyVoice ™ is Awesome.

  36. Oh cool! A snow cone machine, that is so cool. We’ve never had that – we did have a candy floss machine that we used one evening, thought we’d clean it the next morning because it was kinda late and we were so not in the mood for doing dishes that night (we didn’t have a dishwasher, but we did have a candy floss machine). We woke up to probably 50 bees in our kitchen the next morning who all came to try out the sugar that was still left in the candy floss machine from the night before – yikes!!!
    .-= Lea White´s last blog ..First hospital visit after end of treatment =-.

  37. That’s actually a really good idea. Our fridge doesn’t have an ice machine either and, because I spend the day distracted by the internet instead of writing my book and articles and such, we may never be able to afford a good fridge. Hmm. I *could* always focus and work, but a snow cone machine sounds much cooler and more realistic.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..The Top Ten People That Suck at the Grocery Store =-.

  38. And this is exactly why I’ll be sad to move out of this forsaken hick town in a couple weeks. It has a snow cone RESTAURANT with 40 different flavors. Oh, the endless possibilities.

    Oh, and I’ve been asking for a snow cone maker for a couple years for Christmas, and still don’t have one. I think my husband is afraid I’ll love it more than him!

  39. A snow cone machine in the bedroom is an AWESOME idea! Think about it… In the middle of the night, you wake up and think, “Hmmmm… I’d like a cherry snow cone.” Voila, there it is! You’re a genius. Truly.

  40. After reading this I started getting all depressed because I’m not one of the cool kids who owns a snow cone machine. But then I remembered that I live in Canada and it’s actually supposed to snow this week so I’m in luck. I can get the real thing, straight from the sky with all that yummy pollution. Awesome/Not so awesome because it’s going to be effin’ cold here in no time and that sucks because you don’t want to eat snow cones when you have hypothermia.
    .-= AmyBloob´s last blog ..Mama’s Night Out =-.

  41. Oh my lord. if I were forced to move a snow cone machine – or any kitchen appliance – into my bedroom, we would be in big trouble because as I sit here now and look around, every single flat surface is covered in STUFF. Clutter. Shit that needs to be put away. Or thrown away. Either. So yeah. I’m a bad-ass too!
    .-= Meg´s last blog ..Flashback Friday: Second Grade =-.

  42. I would really like that Margaritaville machine in my bedroom. I don’t remember when I laughed so hard — not only is the post funny — half the comments were hysterical. And thanks to Judd – I finally got the trampoline reference.

  43. I used to have a Snoopy Snow Cone machine. You had to grind the ice yourself and then pour juice into the ice cup. Pretty lame but easy to make snow cones in bed since its not electrical!
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..Meow Meow =-.

  44. So besides the rock star quality of a bedroom snow cone machine, let’s also consider all the fun bedtime games to be had with yummy ice treats. Methinks that snow cone machine in the bedroom is good for more than just making you super amazing awesome. Think about it, explore it. Victor will totally love it and then when you need to distract him then you can all be like, “Oh Victor, let’s go have snooow cooones” in a really suggestive voice and he will totally forget about the next thing in the house you break.
    And don’t worry, you are like the 12th person who has said that logging into my blog is like ridiculously complicated. I guess only the really really really devoted followers can make it through. Keep trying, I’d love to have you follow it. Thanks!
    .-= Jeniel´s last blog ..One Lovely Blog Award!! =-.

  45. I wish I had a snow cone machine in my bedroom. It’s so sweltering hot here that all I would do all day was eat snow cones in the buff right after I bathe in them. But then my kids would probably destroy my snow cone machine in less than a day and nobody would care even if I called for a boycott.
    .-= Daphne´s last blog ..part-two_0 =-.

  46. I’m holding out for a Slurpee machine. And not the one you can get at Target. A real life 7-11 Slurpee machine. I don’t care if I do have wall ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS to get to the kitchen.

  47. Sno Cones are for amateurs. When you get a Shave Ice maker AND a Sit and Spin in your bedroom, call me. Or blog it! Don’t forget the marshmallow cream! For the shave ice! Uh yeah.

  48. As excited as I get to see you post a new, well, POST? When I see Victor is in it? I rub my hands with glee. I actually “read” your conversations in my head with seperate, individual voices. YOUR voice is all high and silly. Victor’s voice is all calm and “what the hell did she do now”? Thank you for allowing me to be so entertained.

    PS: I just heard you (in your voice, but in my head) say “Damn, this girl needs some meds!” I *AM* medicated.
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things And A few I Detest… =-.

  49. Awesome. The appliances in my bedroom don’t need to plug in; they’re more battery operated.

    And you should have called me. I could have described how to push a button. Yah, I know. I am so helpful.

    But, now that that problem is fixed, no thanks to me, I can show you how to carve your face on a pumpkin. Except it always turns out a bit scary. Good thing it’s almost October.
    .-= Wendy´s last blog ..How to Clean Vintage Pyrex =-.

  50. I wonder as the 105th poster whether you actually will ever read my comment but even if it’s just talking to no one, I’m still going to post… (can you tell I need someone to talk to?) Anywho, the good news is that I’m having a terrible day and this made me laugh out loud, like really belly-laugh just imagining all of this happening. I think I’m moving my bread maker to the bedroom just for the hell of it. The bad news is that my 4yo is sitting with me as I laugh and it took me far too long to explain to her why I was laughing, why it was ok for you to stick a knife in something and why we don’t need a snow cone maker. Thanks for all of that. 🙂
    .-= becca´s last blog ..Dreaming of prison =-.

  51. I had that same crappy Snoopy snow cone maker! I saw one in a store about a year ago and freaked and bought it for my kids. Once we started using it I remembered how the cute picture of Snoopy soon turns into a mocking look of triumph as Snoopy watches knowingly while you struggle to create the tiniest of cones from every ice cube in the house.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..It’s Better Than Having Too Much Time and Too Little Work =-.

  52. I’m a little worried, cause the blogs are sounding more and more like my girlfriend. Both live in Texas, and we’ve had convos just like this all the time. So either it’s a Texas thing, my girlfriend has a secret site and calls me Victor, or it’s just a strange similarity between the two. No matter what, I get a feeling I’m going to get stabbed now.

  53. We have a snow cone maker too but we’re losers because we use ours in the kitchen. I never knew considered the snow cone/bedroom possibility until now. My world is exploding in rainbow syrup stars.
    .-= Vikki´s last blog ..Building a Mystery =-.

  54. Yessss. I haven’t heard the “Is your refrigerator running? Go catch it!” joke since elementary school. Thanks for being so wonderfully immature; I LOVE it! You’re totally keeping it in the bedroom right? I’m jealous…

  55. Hello, Bloggess. I must say I am thoroughly enjoying your blog. I learned about it on copyblogger or problogger the other day in one of his articles. I think I have a new hero.

    I am sure you will be reading from me again. Unless you can/want to block me or something.
    http://tayappention.net to see if I am worth knowing.

    Cheers.

  56. Seriously now… I have a heart condition and you almost killed me with this post. I sat here laughing my ass off until I my heart started beating too fast and I actually fainted a little. And then I calmed down and then laughed because I’d almost died laughing. I might have peed a little too. I don’t know yet because I’m too busy commenting on your blog to go check.
    .-= Sabrina Mars´s last blog ..How to Find Friends Who Aren’t Drunks =-.

  57. Once the outlets all broke in my bedroom and I had to use the vibrator in the kitchen. *THAT’S* when you know you made it. Or maybe not “made it”, but hell, you’re having an orgasm so who the fuck cares?

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