Warning: You shouldn’t read this because I’m on a lot of drugs and am dangerously unstable. Not really much more than normal but still, *totally* dangerous and too high to use apostrophes correctly. This post is a fucking nightmare.
Sometimes when I’m on twitter I forget that I’m looking at the home page and I think I’m in reply mode and I’m looking at all these responses and I’m all “Oh my God, these people love me. Just look at all of these new responses” and then I look closer and I’m all “WTF? What do these even mean? What are these in reference to?” and then I’m all “Wait. These aren’t responses. These are just the random musings of thousands of people.” And then I switch over to look at my actual replies and I’ve had like, two.
You were on twitter. I SAW YOU. And you did not respond when I tweeted “Three words: I’m really bad at math“. And now you’re all “Well, we saw that but we didn’t respond to that because it was lame ” and HA! Joke’s on you because that was a test because I didn’t even tweet that. That was in my list of “tweets that I considered posting but didn’t because they weren’t good enough”. Because I use discretion. Plus, I’m not going to just give you a golden tweet on my blog to reward you for probably not even reading my tweets. There’s a reason that I post shit over there, dude. BECAUSE I GET PAID FOR IT. Oh wait, no I don’t. Hang on, why am I doing this? Weird.
But the point is that I spend a lot of time coming up with kick-ass tweets like “I think I just swallowed a needle” and you people aren’t even replying. Why are you even following me if you don’t really care about this shit? Who even are you people? No, seriously, who are you? I follow like 8000 people. I really have no idea who any of you are. That’s a shitload of people to follow. Honestly, if you aren’t @’ing me directly I’m probably not even paying attention. I suggest randomly adding @thebloggess to any tweets you think I can’t live without.
UPDATED: Great. Now I’m not getting any @’s at all. Y’all, I’m not that hard to impress. Is it something about genitals? I probably want to see that one. Send it over.
UPDATED X 2: Okay, you know what? Fuck you. It’s been an hour and only one person has @’ed me and I’m pretty sure they were a robot. Now it basically feels like everyone not adding @thebloggess to the end of their tweet is intentionally not talking to me. I’m right here, asshole. I exist even if you don’t acknowledge me. This was a horrible idea.
UPDATED X 3: Oh. Hang on. Turns out I never actually hit “publish” so no one ever saw this. So I may have over-reacted when I called all of you “assholes”. Probably not completely though. I mean, my guess is at least a couple of you are assholes. A lot of people read this blog. That’s just how statistics work.
UPDATED X 4: I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Did I mention I’m on a lot of drugs for my arthritis? I shouldn’t be allowed to blog this week. You should probably not read this post. This warning would presumably be more useful at the top of this post.
UPDATED X 5: Okay, I just went back and put a warning at the top telling you not to read this. You totally did anyway. You don’t follow directions well at all. I like that about you.
UPDATED X 6: It was just pointed out that I actually did have a lot of people concerned that I’d swallowed a needle and were @ing me like crazy to go to the emergency room but I didn’t know how to check replies at the time so I ended up not getting basic medical attention because twitter is too complicated.
UPDATED X 7: I’m really sorry. I have no excuse for this post. Except for the drugs. And the severe pain. And the fact that I may have swallowed a needle. There’s a lot going on over here.
Most education comment of the day: I so wish that the @ symbol becomes a symbol for something like “I so want you to @ing the hospital” or I so want you to @ing score a touch down. Just like colon parenthesis became a “smile” and colon P became “I want to eat you out.” I love when people send me colon P. ~ William