Updated: Not all of you are assholes

Warning:  You shouldn’t read this because I’m on a lot of drugs and am dangerously unstable.  Not really much more than normal but still, *totally* dangerous and too high to use apostrophes correctly.  This post is a fucking nightmare.

Sometimes when I’m on twitter I forget that I’m looking at the home page and I think I’m in reply mode and I’m looking at all these responses and I’m all “Oh my God, these people love me.  Just look at all of these new responses” and then I look closer and I’m all “WTF?  What do these even mean?  What are these in reference to?” and then I’m all “Wait.  These aren’t responses.  These are just the random musings of thousands of people.”  And then I switch over to look at my actual replies and I’ve had like, two.

You. assholes.

You were on twitter.  I SAW YOU.  And you did not respond when I tweeted “Three words: I’m really bad at math“.  And now you’re all “Well, we saw that but we didn’t respond to that because it was lame ” and HA!  Joke’s on you because that was a test because I didn’t even tweet that. That was in my list of “tweets that I considered posting but didn’t because they weren’t good enough”. Because I use discretion.  Plus, I’m not going to just give you a golden tweet on my blog to reward you for probably not even reading my tweets.  There’s a reason that I post shit over there, dude.  BECAUSE  I GET PAID FOR IT.  Oh wait, no I don’t.  Hang on, why am I doing this?  Weird.

But the point is that I spend a lot of time coming up with kick-ass tweets like “I think I just swallowed a needle” and you people aren’t even replying.  Why are you even following me if you don’t really care about this shit?  Who even are you people?  No, seriously, who are you?  I follow like 8000 people.  I really have no idea who any of you are.  That’s a shitload of people to follow.  Honestly, if you aren’t @’ing me directly I’m probably not even paying attention.  I suggest randomly adding @thebloggess to any tweets you think I can’t live without.

UPDATED: Great. Now I’m not getting any @’s at all.  Y’all, I’m not that hard to impress.  Is it something about genitals?  I probably want to see that one.  Send it over.

UPDATED X 2: Okay, you know what? Fuck you. It’s been an hour and only one person has @’ed me and I’m pretty sure they were a robot.  Now it basically feels like everyone not adding @thebloggess to the end of their tweet is intentionally not talking to me.  I’m right here, asshole. I exist even if you don’t acknowledge me. This was a horrible idea.

UPDATED X 3: Oh.  Hang on.  Turns out I never actually hit “publish” so no one ever saw this.  So I may have over-reacted when I called all of you “assholes”.  Probably not completely though.  I mean, my guess is at least a couple of you are assholes.  A lot of people read this blog.  That’s just how statistics work.

UPDATED X 4: I’m sorry.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Did I mention I’m on a lot of drugs for my arthritis?  I shouldn’t be allowed to blog this week.  You should probably not read this post.  This warning would presumably be more useful at the top of this post.

UPDATED X 5: Okay, I just went back and put a warning at the top telling you not to read this.  You totally did anyway.  You don’t follow directions well at all.  I like that about you.

UPDATED X 6: It was just pointed out that I actually did have a lot of people concerned that I’d swallowed a needle and were @ing me like crazy to go to the emergency room but I didn’t know how to check replies at the time so I ended up not getting basic medical attention because twitter is too complicated.

UPDATED X 7: I’m really sorry.  I have no excuse for this post.  Except for the drugs.  And the severe pain.  And the fact that I may have swallowed a needle.  There’s a lot going on over here.

Most education comment of the day: I so wish that the @ symbol becomes a symbol for something like “I so want you to @ing the hospital” or I so want you to @ing score a touch down. Just like colon parenthesis became a “smile” and colon P became “I want to eat you out.”    I love when people send me colon P. ~ William

175 thoughts on “Updated: Not all of you are assholes

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m sure all the cool kids are responding to you on Twitter but I don’t do that or Facebook so I’m responding here. Sure hope you’re feeling better soon as it sucks to be in pain. Maybe that wacky paralegal lady has something that would help.

  2. P.S I was totally stoked to be “the first commenter” but in the time it took me to actually READ the post, people beat me to it and it makes me sad because I totally wanted to steal the comment virginity and I blew it 🙁
    .-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..Today Was Better =-.

  3. I’m concerned and I love you. I actually have never sent a @ reply to you probably because I thought you had too many people who follow you and so you get like a billion @ replies so what’s the freaking point. But, maybe you are actually like the beautiful girl at the party that none of the boys talk to because they are too intimidated but if just one would go up to her he would totally get some b/c she’s lonely. Actually, that’s probably how murky looking dudes get hot chicks. So people are not sending you @ replies because you are too hot. Awesome.
    .-= Elizabeth Potts Weinstein´s last blog ..Live Your Truth Principle #1: Combine Passion With Skill =-.

  4. A straight pin. But those other needles sound more impressive. Also, I’m getting a lot of weird, random replies now. I may or may not have asked for this. When I sober up in the morning I’m probably going to regret this.

  5. One time, I was tossing a quarter up in the air with my mouth open and I swallowed it. And my mom didn’t believe me. Until she finally took me to the pediatrician and they did an x-ray. I was 13.

  6. from now on, anything brilliant I say will be directed @theblogess. I’d hate for you to miss my wisdom.

    And really. Swallowing needles is bad. You will potentially have more holes in your insides than a colander.
    .-= Jill´s last blog ..Stepping out. =-.

  7. I’ve added @TheBloggess to several tweets. You’re just ungrateful for all that I’ve done for you, which is actually nothing.

  8. You’re killing me. If it weren’t for this diarhea my dath would be all your fault. That and m bad spelling and the fact that I’m typing this in the bathroom. Oh I make no sense. I sound like one of this crazy pharmaceutical emails selling Viagra and Cialis.
    Penis.
    .-= Daisypantalones´s last blog ..Uh… =-.

  9. I love you right now… I mean, I am all weepy all day and crying watching Oprah, crying when watching a commercial of a kid paying it forward to her teacher whose house burned down and now lives in a camper at a lake or something and crying watching Mercy.. (Which btw all of those things are tear worthy, but not like I have been shedding) I come here and read your crazy hilarious nonsense and now, I smile, I giggle and for a few seconds I forgot that I was sad.. Did I tell you that I love you? Maybe I should get on twitter and @reply it to you.. Yeah, i’ll do that… Oh, and don’t swallow needles. They are bad for you..

  10. I so wish that the @ symbol becomes a symbol for something like “I so want you to @ing the hospital” or I so want you to @ing score a touch down. JUst like colon paranthesis became a “smile” and colon P became “I want to eat you out.”

    I love when people send me colon P.
    .-= William´s last blog ..I call you out =-.

  11. As you may recall, I’ve @’ed you several times. One time I feared you may feel the need to smack me for wanting tweeting a superbly inappropriate tweet and make me forget it because you secretly wanted to tweet it yourself and take all the credit. And then I decide we’re twins because I’m so much like you when I’m drunk and/ or high but that our mom had years of labor because I’m 23 and your… old.

    See? I do pay attention. I often wonder #whatwouldthebloggessdo in situations where I’m sure my meds aren’t working.

    I suppose I should make sure YOUR meds are working when mine aren’t, just in case you try to lead me astray.

    Huh. Maybe I shouldn’t be asking #whatwouldthebloggessdo because if we’re twins all you’ll do is tell me I’m doing the wrong thing just to be better than me, then smack me and make me be the yellow ranger even though last time we played you said I could be the pink ranger next time which is this time but you won’t let me because you’re a bitch.

    Fuck.

    I never get to be the pink ranger.
    .-= Brittany Landgrebe´s last blog ..Current Accountability and I Get a Shiny =-.

  12. HAHA I don’t. I just read the whole post and was soo open to just DM you and tweet you sex stuff I’m sure only you can care enough to answer. Like how I can talk about tasting semen without grossing people out or having people think I’m a total whore. I saw you wrote about it on your sex column and figured hey, if she’s talking about semen then I guess its acceptable 😉

  13. Sorry, I’m not on twitter…you’re going to have to go the extra step and publish a post here…

    How’s that needle going?
    .-= a´s last blog ..Travels =-.

  14. I love you dearly but sometimes I am away from my computer for hours at a time and I am not privy to your clever tweets. Please take no offense. Also? If I had actually read that you swallowed a needle I would probably be busy with reflexive gagging and would be unable to tweet. I will try to do better. (I was stung in the throat by some hideous insect once because apparently I mow the lawn with my maw gaping wide open.)

  15. The thing I like about you on Twitter — yes, Jenny, I’m looking at you — is that the whole contraption is basically like the Matrix, if the Matrix ran on narcissisim, because it’s harnessing our auto-erotic fascination with our own imagined awesomeness in order to power itself, and because we’re all such self-servicing assholes, it’s own growing bigger and stronger by the second. But you’re like Twitter’s Neo, because you swagger in there and say all sorts of semi-surreal shit that brings things grinding to a halt, which is technically impossible to do, because you can’t distract a narcissist from his own wankable reflection. And yet, you scared the shit out of WILLIAM SHATNER! — a man who’s been famous for decades for his ability to give his own ego a reach-around — and you made him stop thinking about his own awesomeness — if only for a second! — and start thinking about his own mortality. So I will also think of you as Keanu Reeves, except with more eye-boggling cans.
    .-= Scott C.´s last blog ..Obama Uses School Kids As Batteries To Power The Matrix! =-.

  16. @this @that @I am confused totally. AND where is that “wacky paralegal” I need to read the abuse/love/stabby theme/story. Wait did I hit submit yet – no? One word Texans. That’s it just Texans.

  17. Not too long ago, I started following you on Twitter and I did reply to you. It was possibly the best tweet I ever did. But then I thought that since you weren’t one of my followers you wouldn’t even see the reply, so I deleted it. (I still don’t know how all that works.) The next day I saw that you were following me. I am so pissed I deleted my favorite tweet ever.

  18. I am thoroughly convinced that you need to move to Austin and live in my guest bedroom. Jesus told me so.

  19. This is my first comment EVER on a blog. I think people who comment are usually the people that either (a) want you to read their blog or (b) like to hear themselves talk…BUT this right here deserves my 2 cents. You are incredible!! I don’t really get twitter but if I did have a twitter account I would totally @ you all day. By the way, the post about you and your sno cone machine show have it’s own reality show.

  20. This is my first comment EVER on a blog. I think people who comment are usually the people that either (a) want you to read their blog or (b) like to hear themselves talk…BUT this right here deserves my 2 cents. You are incredible!! I don’t really get twitter but if I did have a twitter account I would totally @ you all day. By the way, the post about you and your sno cone machine should have it’s own reality show.

  21. You are by far my favorite blogger. You are hilarious and you have the ability to make someone’s day with one blog post.

    I sent you an @ reply yesterday and then you totally started following me! Then my palms got real sweaty and I felt a little faint. I’ve never met a celebrity, but I’m pretty sure that’s how I’d get if I did. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are like a celebrity and you should never stop blogging.
    .-= OhSweetSara´s last blog ..And Then I Remembered =-.

  22. I’m new to this thing you call “Twitter” I just try to be my super happy regular self and tweet about daily life…

    “My penis, I mean my vagina feels so giddy and tingly today. The oozing and sour stench have finally subsided!”
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Was I Popular In High School? Uh, No =-.

  23. Sorry. I was busy trying to make a copy of the “The More You Know” logo. You know, the one with the star and rainbow swoosh? It’s… complicated. So, what did I miss?
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#88 Ring =-.

  24. Introducing myself. I’m ffjewelry on Twitter. We follow each other. I sent you the link to the 48 Hours video and you DM me. Although I hardly ever read my DM’s. But I did read it a couple of weeks later and responded to you. But by that time, you probably said “Huh, what is she talking about?” LOL I read all your tweets. I promise I will respond more. LOL

  25. I’ve totally replied to you. On several occasions.

    And at least one or two of those replies was fucking funny and would have made you laugh.

    If you read them.

    Oh wait, maybe that was the Bloghess.

    Right. She’s funny. I reply to her all the time. You? Meh.

  26. I’m sorry your RA is causing you so much pain.a Take the meds and never doubt for a minute that you’re the funniest blogger around…who also accepts our DMs. We don’t send them, sometimes, because we have perfection issues, too. All the fun people do, you know. Feel better soon,
    Lesley/ipodlesley

  27. I’m probably one of the two assholes you mentioned because instead of worrying about the needle thing I’ve been forwarding the link you posted about the lady who pelted the supposed intruders with pool balls to everyone I know. That’s a very creative way to get rid of the “missionaries” who come by all the time.

    Heading over to Craigslist now to find some weaponry…
    .-= Barbara´s last blog ..I’ll probably never go the movies again =-.

  28. I’m not an asshole. I don’t tweet. But I do think you’re hilarious. And I read your blog to my family. I’m pretty sure my 16 year old son is in love with you. He shares your sarcasm. At a recent football game I said something teasing to him and he replied:

    him: you know why the bloggess is so much better then you? Because she’s funny. You’re just mean. People like sarcastic bitches. Not mean bitches.

    So now I’m hurt and I hate you. No, not really. I laughed hysterically when he said this because I’m just that kind of mom. =]

    ♥Spot

    PS- I hope you got medical attention for the needle you swallowed.
    .-= Spot´s last blog ..Scary things…like ghosts and my mothers driving… =-.

  29. My son swallowed a straight pin when he was 12. He had been chewing on the little plastic ball on the end of the pin when one of his brothers bumped into him and the pin went down his throat. He came to me, deadly calm, and said, “Mom, I did something stupid. Am I going to die?” We went to the emergency room where the X-ray showed that it had made it out of the esophogaus and into his stomach. They told us it should “pass normally” (though what’s “normal” about passing a pin, I’m not sure) and to return right away if he experienced any sharp pain, etc. We called him Pin-Butt for weeks.

    I’m not on Twitter. I’m occasionally an asshole, but never a tweet-related asshole.
    .-= Masked Mom´s last blog ..My Newest Superpower: Interior Design =-.

  30. The people I follow on Twitter are boring I should totally be following you..! Ur feet probably smell better too! Oh and I love that shirt btw…but Diablo and Ellen are like the only ones that crack my gut! I’m gonna look up the Bloggess and follow her, you…and I’ll ya know, @ you and shit! Great! Wait unless there are other “fake” bloggess hags lying around, I hope not I don’t feel like sifting through a bunch of lame losers right now, my back hurts…
    Oh um what? Ok, yeah..

  31. So I don’t have a tremendous amount of followers and I’m ok with that. Really I am. I don’t need validation from a bazillion people I don’t know. Except you. If the Bloggess was following me…I might shit my pants. And then tweet about it. Only I’d make it sound all cool so everyone on Twitter would feel compelled to RT it.

    something like this @thebloggess has psychic powers that make you involuntarily shit your pants

    so…think about it, mmkay
    .-= WM´s last blog ..Celebrating my favorite breast cancer survivor =-.

  32. Ah drugs. They do funny things to a person. Not as strange as what bad pain can do. I think I dislocated part of my neck overnight and do you think I can get my partner to poke around and try and fix it? No. Because he sucks.

    Also, I’m still sort of squeeing that you follow me back now. Everyone should @thebloggess. Truly. You should.
    .-= Veronica´s last blog ..Writing from a corner, where I’ve hidden. =-.

  33. well fine. because when i’ve @’ed you, you’ve never @’ed me back either. so i’m all like sticking my tongue out at you and pulling down my pants to mark the spot for you to kiss.
    seriously.
    fine, i’m kidding.
    but i only follow a little over 800 people. and that’s just way too much for me to handle.
    and most of them i think might be assholes.
    or maybe that’s just twitter. or maybe i’m just not that interesting.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..Breathe In. Remember To Breathe Out. =-.

  34. http://twitter.com/meggilicious_x <- You should love me.

    But, I know I'm dull. But come on thats like 5 tweets in a row I've @TheBloggess'ed you.

    Because I am amazing.

    but I'm still dull.

    I'm confused, what were we discussing?
    .-= Megan Erwin´s last blog ..[Part 1 of Honeymoon] Not so good honeymoon, that probably doesn’t count as a honeymoon anymore, and I doubt we’ll ever have a real one because I’m afraid to leave Ohio ever again. Also, deer on wall & dead mouse in kitchen first thing when I walk into a cold cabin at night? Not so cool. =-.

  35. I had a funny comment, but then decided to @ you instead. But when I came back here to comment, I got all flustered by the dude saying the colon P meant bad things and now I’m all freaked out that there is a subculture that I never knew…
    .-= Amo´s last blog ..It must be nice where he lives. =-.

  36. Hey. I don’t follow you on twitter, but my wife does. (I sent her to you. Go me!) Anyway, I think that she follows you because she thinks you’re funny and she digs the way you think. I don’t think she realized she was going to have to do any WORK herself just to keep you happy in return. But you know what? First thing tomorrow I’m gonna tell her, Wife, you get on that twitter and you tell the Blogess hi. That poor lady needs you, and all you ever do is take take take from her. Hasn’t she given you enough for free?

    Well, I might say that. Sometimes we have sex in the morning, in which case I’ll probably let the whole thing slide.
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..P8090026 =-.

  37. Okay, so I just followed you on Twitter because I had apparently not done so earlier, even though I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now. I will totally @ you when I feel it’s appropriate even though you now probably have a whole army of Twitterers furiously clicking the “Reply to” button.
    .-= steen´s last blog ..Things I Learned Over the Weekend =-.

  38. I don’t use twitter to twit or twat my life, so I can’t @ you. That’s a horrible sentence, my old english teachers would be horrified.

    Anyway, if I could @ you, I so totally would @ you because you’re awesome and deserve a million @s a day. It’s the thought that counts right?
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..This is supposed to be a Moronic Monday post but all I can think about is that we closed on our house today!! =-.

  39. You’re brilliant and funny and the only person I know with a zillion glass animals. Someday, I’ll make it out to Texas so that Q-ster and Hailey can meet.
    .-= Lady M´s last blog ..The Photo Dilemma =-.

  40. So funny! I’ve had a lot of the same thoughts about Twitter… and also arguing with myself trying to determine how important I am. “Yes they care I had cream corn for dinner… no they don’t, asshat!”

    Anyways, I’ll definitely be following you. Funny stuff!
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..Brick to the Adam’s Apple =-.

  41. I’ve never responded to you before. In fact, I haven’t actually gotten around to reading your blog. You should be thrilled to death that at least I follow you on twitter. Actually, I am an asshole. And you’re an attention whore. We’d probably be best friends in real life. No, really. Until then, I’ll treat you like all the rest of my attention horny, cramped fingers, internet browsing, self-name-googling friends on twitter (I’m inserting myself into this list as well). I’ll zoom past your twitter posts until something real funny (like the word “asshole”) catches my attention, and then I’ll reply in my sardonic witty kind of a way. Much like I do with my real life friends.

    I hope all these replies tickled your G spot real nice like. 😉
    .-= SRY´s last blog ..Mother Feminist =-.

  42. @thebloggess Step away from the needles. Walk towards the booze. I call everyone “asshole”, it’s like a term of endearment around here…try that. Also, go back and re-learn your multiplication tables while I go back and learn basic grammar and spellings. And punctuation!! XOXO
    .-= Martie´s last blog ..Ahhh, Ohhhh, Yes. Yes. Yes… =-.

  43. If you’d share the drugs…just sayin’.

    On that subject, I was having lunch with my husband while we were out of town this weekend, and I’d packed my meds in my travel med case (an altoid tin). I opened it at lunch to take my meds and his eyes got all big and he said, “How the hell can you tell those all apart?”

    I looked at him like he was an alien because he obviously is. I mean, seriously. That’s like asking me how I can tell our children apart. Sheesh.
    .-= califmom´s last blog ..Um, No =-.

  44. Ok, so I’m gonna go easy on your super-drugged butt and gently mention, that even when we answer/@ you most of the time you don’t answer us, which makes us feel unloved and invisible, but we love you anyway because we’re masochistic… and when you do actually @ one of us back (or on a dare), we squeal loudly like 10 year old girls and scare everyone else in the house because they think we’ve seen a snake in the toilet bowl or something. Then we quietly hunch down toward our laptops to make sure we’re not imagining it, and favorite your tweet… not that I’d know from personal experience or anything. So it’s good to know that the one day I wasn’t on twitter, you called me an asshole. Thank you, Master. May I have another?…of whatever you’re taking for the pain, cause I know that’s some good shit!
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..Mostly Kind Of Offensive Pictures, So Not Quite Wordless Wednesday *UPDATED!* =-.

  45. I just looked at the box/clicky thing on the right of your page to truly discover WTF Twitter was all about, and noticed a centaur with a giant penis. I just stopped there in awe.

  46. I can’t get past the colon P thing. Where have I been? Now I’m stressed that I’ve done that to someone, like an ex co-worker or another woman, and now they either think I’m a tramp or a lesbian. Which would be fine. The lesbian part not the tramp part. Are there other sexually explicit punctuations?!

    PS – Thanks for the laughs (again!)
    .-= Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Trick or Treating at Disneyland =-.

  47. :P, :P, :P, 😛 :P, :P, :P, 😛 :P, :P, :P, 😛

    There you go,

    feeling better now?

    Alriiiighht.

    (So glad I know how to use 😛 correctly now. Awesome. Thanks dude)

    PS: You never @ me back either, but I always chalked that up to you being a fucking superstar and had too many @’s to deal with. Glad I’m not the only one with no @’s….’twat’ter assholes….*cough*
    .-= Legs´s last blog ..This is what I miss most about breastfeeding =-.

  48. I’m glad I didn’t listen and read the whole thing anyway. You mentioned being on drugs, but did not say why until update 4, so I just thought you were a toker. I’ll make sure I include you on my tweets if they include penis, porn, or drugs…does that make you feel better?
    .-= Grace Matthews´s last blog ..Plus Size Halloween Costumes =-.

  49. Well, I tweet you all of the time you crazy ass! Take th@! Just the other day (or yesterday? whatever day it was) I responded to your HAM and viagra tweet. My initials are actually HAM, and it grosses me the eff out because I hate ham ever since I was pregnant and threw up my guts watching people eat it at Christmas. And they weren’t *just* eating it, they were hovered around the kitchen island ripping pieces of meat OFF of this disgusting carcass and between the visual and the smell… So then you tweet about ham rockets and the visual made me throw up a little in my mouth so I had to respond to that!

  50. I always wondered what all those little @’s were on twitter. Thanks for clearing that up for me. You can file me as one of the assholes. Or stupid, at the very least. I’m gonna try this twitter @ thing out right now. I’ll try to be funny when I @ to you, but don’t hold your breath. The pressure to do it right is already too much.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..City of Brotherly Love? Ha! =-.

  51. I love it when you call me an asshole. <3

    Re: the pin you swallowed – stay away from strong magnets. HTH.

  52. I feel like I’ve just read Pink Floyd’s, “The Wall” which is not actually in book form…but instead of reading it I kind of skimmed over it missing the whole point, so I go back and re-read it and still don’t get it because, apparently I’m not high.

    So I decided to take some leftover Oxycontin from my shoulder surgery which I probably shouldn’t put on here because now people will break into my house and kill me and then I reread it after coloring all my fingers with poop for no reason and it still doesn’t make sense.

    Couple all this with the length of this comment and the four hours I’ve spent trying to find “The Wall” on television and I’ve pretty much wasted an entire fucking day on your blog.

    Bloggess drug induced genius, or crafty coincidence?!

    Fucked if I know.

    Tweet THAT.
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..My Daughter Embraces my Gynecomastia =-.

  53. I assumed that you have so many people replaying to you that you won’t notice mine. The same reasoning that leads to the pretty girl staying home on prom night. I’ll start asking you to the twitter prom.
    .-= Vikki´s last blog ..Family Affair =-.

  54. You’re totally “Bloggess Interrupted.” Not the one who hung herself (pfft, she was all damaged and shit) or Angelina, who you just knew needed to be institutionalized for a very long time as she was a danger to herself and others. No, you’re like Winona, the one everybody knows is just passing through madness and, by gummit, will be just fine.
    .-= Ed´s last blog ..Dear Hallmark, Have I Got a Challenge For You =-.

  55. I don’t @ you because I just figured someone with 19,000 followers wouldn’t really care what I have to say. And that’s probably accurate because I mostly use Twitter as an outlet to keep me from saying things I shouldn’t at work.
    .-= Amanda Austin´s last blog ..Maybe I’m just weird =-.

  56. @TheBloggess I don’t think you want me to @ you. It’s like if Poland wanted either Russia or Germany to @ in 1939. You don’t want to hear about the kind of crap I tweet. Except you’re not like Poland. But totally don’t take it the wrong way, you’re not like Russia or Germany, either.

    Also, you use the Web interface for Twitter? No wonder you wanted to tweet that you swallowed a needle. That’s what using the Web interface feels like to me, every time, too.

    Also, you screen your tweets?

    Also, I’m glad you’re feeling well enough to possibly call me an asshole. Or not. Feel even better.
    .-= Vicki´s last blog ..Healthcare for the Stupid and Confused (namely, me) =-.

  57. like amanda says, i love you to death and think your hysterical but you have a lot of followers, and as you said you follow a lot of people. i have replied to you at times, but tweeting does work both ways your highness, sometimes its nice to get a response to replies or a reply to our tweets. so don’t take offense in your current state of mind you are being hypersensitive, we just feel the theblogess will not read our stuff anyway
    .-= dina´s last blog ..Aromas of Autumn =-.

  58. Wow. It’s like the hot girl that never gets asked out because she’s too hot and you’re all intimidated and all along she’s probably sitting there just waiting for you to ask her out, but because you think you have no chance you just drug her.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Butthole Wallpaper =-.

  59. I use to live in Indiana (thats apprx. 1100MILLION miles from texas, give or take). In August I moved to a little city just outside of Dallas (which I TOTALLY LOVE .. except that it is so quaint that the police department has TOO MUCH TIME on their hands and has taken to pulling people over just because they have a BLUE license plate on their SUV) .. but I digress.
    I moved from Indiana to Texas because TheBloggess lives in Texas.
    Ok, not totally true. But I totally asked you a question on your advise column prior to moving to Texas, regarding moving to Texas, to which you did not reply … so I moved to Texas anyway. So basically everything that happens from here on out is YOUR responsibility.
    With that said … how far is Houston from Dallas .. because I totally want to come visit and see just what a day in the life of TheBloggess is really like.
    I read your posts and wonder … just what the fuck IS she doing when she puts this shit together .. is she JUST LIKE ME .. meaning .. does she drop the kid(s in my case) off at school then race home and pop open a bottle of wine (or pills, or both) and then THE MAGIC HAPPENS!?!!?

  60. I don’t tweet, twit, twoot or twitter, twoot but I DO find all kinds of convenient ways to blame a lot of stuff on the METH(otrexate). The METH is an excellent scapegoat. Feel better, hopefully your get your tweet on, and happy Thursday.

  61. Okay, you need to just GO woth the drug thing. Don’t apologize! Seriously, it’s not that different than your regular posts. Unless maybe you are always on drugs, and you are just trying to throw us off by mentioning it occasionally. Good strategy. Stick with it.
    .-= Middle-Aged-Woman´s last blog ..The Dog Book =-.

  62. I’m pretty sure I’ve @’ed you. But you never @’ed me back. So… does that make you an asshole? Totally kidding. Kind of.

    I laugh pretty damn hard at every post you write. You’re hilarious, and if it’s the drugs, please don’t stop taking them.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Stars For A Wish =-.

  63. Swallowing needles will do that to you. It’s why I recommend not doing that, but I’m sure by now you’ve figured that which means I’m basically do the whole “I told you so thing” which does kind of make me an asshole. Great, now I’ve found out that I’m an asshole & ineffectual at my use of Twitter with this post. I believe you owe me an apology 😉
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..ESPN Body Issue 2009: Beauty and Amputee =-.

  64. Okay, I’m totally confused because I’m trying to keep up with twitter and my blog at the same time and it’s fucking intense. Is this what it’s like to be responsible? Because it sucks.

    Answers to your questions:
    Houston is 4 hours from Dallas. A lot of booze is consumed here. I read ALL replies unless you have a private account because those don’t show up because their private. This is basic science. I don’t use tweetdeck or any app because I’m technologically illiterate. I suck at replying but I felt like a huge hypocrite so this morning I started replying on twitter. It lasted for like 4 tweets and was a horrible debacle. I doubt I’ll ever do it again. I give you total permission to ignore me from now on.

  65. I totally love you…how is it that you manage to be so fabulous all. the. fucking. time? I wish I were that fabo, but it would take too much work and I’m lazy, so…kudos to you for working so hard!

  66. So I just @’ed you three times in a row, which is kind of a big deal.

    I forgot my Twitter password and had to have it emailed to me and then I had to log in to my email and retrieve my password and then I had to go BACK to twitter and figure out how to do an “@” (which actually isn’t very hard, but I was still impressed with myself) and THEN I had to figure out clever things to say. It was kind of like the Iliad.

    This may not sound like a big deal to NORMAL people, but I am pretty much incapable of completing a multi-step task without the aid of massive amounts of medication and what I just did was a multi-step task and I did it without massive amounts of medication.

    THAT is transcending boundaries.

    I should be on Oprah.

    Anyway, at first, I was all proud of myself for thinking of clever responses like “@TheBloggess: something about genitals…” and two other ones that I already forgot.

    But then I thought “Oh no! what if she thinks I’m desperate for attention?” Which I AM, but I don’t want you to know that or anything because I am desperate to impress you and if you knew I was desperate for your attention, it would be much harder to impress you.

    And now I just wrote a comment about how much I tweeted at you which definitely doesn’t make me seem desperate at all.

    You are totally my Amy Sedaris.
    .-= Allie´s last blog ..Allie Rides the Greyhound, Gets Molested, Makes a Black Friend, Breaks Up a Fight and Rescues Some Castaways =-.

  67. Great, my twitter ego is even more bruised. At first I thought, yay! The Bloggess only gets two replies, just like me! Then you realized you made a mistake and had ton of @ replies. Meanwhile, mine is no mistake. But I don’t think I have @ you in a while, so yes I’m an asshole.
    .-= Heather, Queen of Shake Shake´s last blog ..Hidden Worlds =-.

  68. I get the distinct impression that you are feeling better. This is a good thing, keep blogging and making folks (like me) laugh, cry and think. You are so full of win!

  69. Shit I can’t even work the damn remote to Tivo Dexter……

    Hi I’m Jane and I’m an non Tweeter…..

    Glad your back!

  70. You have exactly one week to get your shit together, or I am sicking Donny Osmond AND Barry Manilow on you..AT.THE.SAME.TIME. I have my sources you know.

  71. Oh, and I @’ed you on Facebook yesterday and you didn’t even notice! It was before you even posted this, so I was telepathically pre-reading this post. I’m amazing, yet people still like you better than me.

  72. Since I’m semi-late in this whole twitter catastrophe….no, I’m late. You can’t be semi-late…like there is no half dead or partially fat. You’re 6 feet under and a fucking heifer…anyway…

    1: I’ll remember never to @ you again. I’ve done it twice…with no response. At first, I thought you were being all bitchy…now I know it’s not you. It’s technology. And that shit happens to all of us.

    2: I totally forgot what number 2 was supposed to be…fuck it. # 1 is like two things, anyway.

    And I think I need a special name…cause there are too many damn Jessica’s. I like to stand out…be different…and unique…minus the short bus. That’s not the kind of special I’m referencing here…I want to be …something with a nice ring to it…like Jessica the Awesome.

    I know. I’m high maintenance.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..i got an award? no, an award is a medal. this is nothing like a medal. =-.

  73. I think you’re the asshole. But I kind of love you. I love assholes. The people, not the pucker. Although, I think a little sodomy never hurt anyone. Except that you live in Texas. Where it may or may not still be illegal. Rephrase: breaking the sodomy law never hurt anyone.

    <3

  74. seriously? You’re pissy about @replies and you get like one gazillion comments on your blog posts? You sicken me @thebloggess. phatoooey.

  75. I have four tweets that I’ve posted in about a year. One was an @ reply to you, one was a mindless following (WOLVERINES)! I needs a life.

  76. Stupid Twitter. I can’t @ you because Twitter keeps telling me my phone is “not verified”. I followed your stupid steps TWITTER. I even followed your stupid steps about “what to do if you get a message saying your phone is not verified.” OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Stupid TWITTER. So, I have to @ you here. I’m so sorry technology has it in for you, but you should have known it would happen ’cause life sucks that way. Anywho, now that I have spent the day working on getting my tweets to the Bloggess instead of actually “working”, I shall now go home and @ you all night long. That sounds dirty, doesn’t it? I feel so unclean now.
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..NieNie on Oprah! =-.

  77. You know how you said on your last post that someday you’ll be normal? Well this ain’t the day, but there is always hope for tomorrow.

    I swallowed I don’t know how many of those little Bic tips off of my pens in my life time. Blue spots in poop is funny…for about a split second.

  78. Tweets make me feel naked so I don’t actually tweet anything..so I thought I would post here. I think you are the shizz and I read your blog all the time but never post..I. am. an. asshole. A quiet one to boot.
    Thanks for begin a funny kick ass crazy writer and I most likely will never @ you on Twitter even if you have endangered yourself again…sorry in advance.

  79. I reached that stage where I’d run out of ‘things to internet’ and came to your blog and hit refresh every like 5 minutes to see a new post and you took 3 days! And then just when I thought I’d send u ‘outrage on an astral plane’ I started a blog and then realised OI!? Maintaining a blog on a daily basis when interesting crapola only happens every OTHER day is fucking hard. And you do it for 5 blogs AND TWITTER?!
    And then you brought out something that was meaningful atop all your previous funnies and now I don’t wanna write AT ALL?!

    But kudos to you, Jenny. The anxiety never leaves and things may never get better where that’s concerned but the drugs are full of rainbows and smug pricks riding douche canoes into a twilight full of sparkly vampires. And I would Twitter you, but I’m not a Twit. And a pregnant goldfish is called a Twit. I ain’t no goldfish.
    .-= Alicia´s last blog ..Deleriums…like Aquariums but instead of fish there’s unicorns =-.

  80. Ok. So I’ve NOW gotten my glass of wine after I tweeted you (that sounds so dirty) and I’m gonna pretend you’re drinking with me, m’kay? Because I have a feeling you’re drinking SOMEthing at your house, so it kinda sorta IS like we’re having a glass (or 5) together. And that’s good, because if I were to be drinking alone, in the dark, in front of my computer, it’d be a sign of alcoholism or depression or something, right?

    Whew. Thank God I’m drinking with you. I was worried for a bit there…
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..Maxi pads: not just for periods anymore! =-.

  81. I would fall over and die if you responded to one of my tweets. You have that kind of power. And since I’m not ready for the EMTs to see me in my dirty underwear, just don’t. It was bad enough when you commented on my prom picture and remembered me at BlogHer. I was cleaning the stains off my Victoria’s Secret cotton bikini briefs for a week.
    .-= Coal Miner’s Granddaughter´s last blog ..The Journey =-.

  82. So, um…do you want us to @ reply to you more?

    And why are so many of the comments you get here on your blog so pointless and stupid? Why the hell would you care about being told, “Hilarious” or “I RT you all the time?” That’s like walking into a room and someone saying, “Hey, you woke up today.” Fuck you, asshole!! Do you people even read what she says, or just count how many times she says the word “asshole?”

    P.S. Absolutely no offense to the assholes who write pointless, stupid comments. 😀

  83. I’m a new reader, and I have to say, that I LOVE it! I don’t know honestly which is better, your post or the comments. I am now following you on twitter. I think following is so close to stalking though, that it concerns me. I’m a big time follower, its pretty much what I do on there. No much of a leader, because I only have 19 people following me, and most of them are bots, I keep them around to make me feel better about myself.
    .-= Miranda´s last blog ..How’s this for blogging =-.

  84. Nasa crashed a probe into the moon – it was all over twitter and I missed it. I’m really surprised you didn’t keep us aware of this issue, Jenny

  85. Dude! I got a Eureka moment this morning! You should sign up to all have tweet replies sent to your phone as a TXT. And then you should set your phone on vibrate!! If you are not into that, give your phone to Victor, and let him know you are looking out for him.

    XXOO

  86. You are too friggin funny… just stumbled on your tweets.. .a friend, of a friend, of a friend… you know how that goes. And, I’m brand spanking new to twitter, and don’t understand it for a moment…. but hell, I AM trying.. and that’s gotta count for something?!

    Swing by to check out my blog “The Hubby Diaries”.. funny crap about frustrating men/husbands!

    http://thehubbydiaries.wordpress.com
    or follow me on twitter! http://twitter.com/thehubbydiaries
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Men Are Like Toasters =-.

  87. ok first I frikin’ love you!
    Second. Please no needles
    #3 I also have crazy pain…… I have actually had a Dr. tell me, and I quote ” You have somthing’ brewing”
    #4 You ‘r DIRTY ( my 14 yr old son tells me this now means awsome/sick/rad)
    #5 I wanna be you when I grow up!
    .-= Sarabeth´s last blog ..I WON’T GROW UP! NEVER GROW UP! NOT ME! =-.

  88. Hmmmmmmmmm, obviously alot of ppl luv ya. But reading this post, I’d say you’re a borderline NUTTER!!! Trying to think up cutesy lines to Twitter in the forlorn hope of soliciting a random response…?? You may as well be standing on a street corner with a sign around your neck saying: “PLEASE be my friend. PLLEEEAAASSSEEE!!!”
    Girl, don’t be so desperate. There’s much more to life than Twittering!!

  89. Twit Tweet Twet Twetted Twent Tweetered Tweeted Twat….

    No matter you can’t keep it together—–the frickin language doesn’t even know where it’s been.

  90. Just discovered your site. Probably the last person in the world to have done so. I am pretty uber-lame on Twitter and don’t even know how to reply to a twitter, so not sure what that makes me if not an asshole. You’ve inspired me to get some funny going on. Shouldn’t be too hard on a blog about a single mom widow, right? Ooh. and sex. Yup. I need to start an anonymous blog cause widows don’t know anything about sex.
    .-= Abigail Carter´s last blog ..Reconstruction =-.

  91. WOW! I started to read your blog because my sister follows you and said you were hilarious! You know what…she was right! Thank you!

  92. I have to tell you – curiosity got the best of me and I was on Friend or Follow the other day, and you were the only person that I was really upset wasn’t following me back. Especially after I accosted you in the weinermobile at Blogher. Oh wait…that might be why.
    .-= corrin´s last blog ..GIVEAWAY Joshua Bell At Home With Friends =-.

  93. Twitter is way too complicated. Did you know that unless you are using third party software like Hootsuite or Tweetdeck, you don’t even GET messages written about you (even if they use the @ symbol) unless you are following those people too. That irks the heck out of me.
    .-= Sabrina Mars´s last blog ..Advice To Myself =-.

  94. If I @ you will you follow me? I am just getting started with this whole tweeting thing. I have like 4 followers and the whole reason I joined was to impress someone by joining a social network and then gaining a bunch of followers before I started following him in the hopes that he would be all “oh wow, I had no idea you were so cool that 13463mnadsf4609 people would follow you on the internet, we should totally make babies together.” Except it’s starting to look more like it’s going to go like “wow, I had no idea I was your only friend, come to think of it I always run into you at weird times and OH MY GOD YOU’RE TOTALLY STALKING ME GET AWAY FROM ME WOMAN.”

    So if you followed me you wouldn’t have to pay any attention really and I would @ you in my tweets and it would look like I am not a creepy stalker which I AM TOTALLY NOT I SWEAR and you might save my dating life.

    I’m @mightbelying, BTW.
    .-= Laura´s last blog ..mightbelying: My life according to Twitter: 66% sports, 17% cupcakes, 0% procrastination, wanting to kill my cat, and coffee. Not at all representative. =-.

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