Why I shouldn’t be allowed to go to cocktail parties, part 876

My friend, Laura, on convincing me that I had to go on a girl’s weekend with a bunch of strangers even though I’m socially awkward and have an anxiety disorder:  “Just chill out and get packed.  I mean, honestly, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

maggie mason is awesome

Me and party hostess, Maggie Mason. She's usually quite lovely.


In her defense, I was just about to tell a joke about abortions and dead puppies so technically she was probably doing me a favor. I always fuck up that punch-line. And this is one of many reasons why you should never invite me to cocktail parties.

Want to see more pictures of strangers at a party?  Of course you don’t.

Also, I totally forgot to do my weekly wrap-up because I’m a terrible blogger.  So here it is now.

    Last week on my sex column (which is satirical and occasionally safe for work if your boss isn’t an asshole):

    Last week on my mommy blog on the Houston Chronicle:

    Last week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

    Comment of the day: Huh.  I’ve pictured you in situations like this, but I always assumed that you’d be the one with the cleaver. ~ Evn

    58 replies. read them below or add one

    1. So, you’re a zombie now? Cool!
      .-= Steve´s last blog ..#90 Paper =-.

    2. Ohhhh Zombie Blogger!!! Think of the SEO you could grab, and you could totally copywrite it and make a fortune when people use that line… Like, now I have a total blog idea and am going to steal it, and then you could sue me and I would actually meet you in court and I’d be all *squee* “Mr Judge Man Sir, I’ll pay whatever you want cause Jenny is so cool she has a snow cone machine in her bedroom, so I’m not worthy to even fight this.”
      .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Absolutely Fabulous Edition =-.

    3. That is exactly how 75% of goth amateur porn starts.
      .-= Ken´s last blog ..Road To Popehat: Introductions =-.

    4. Wait, I thought you stabbed people. I thought stabbing was your, you know, your idiom. You can’t stab someone with a cleaver! That’s just wrong. Besides, icepicks fit so much more easily into handbags. Or knitting needles, which makes everyone think you’re–well, since it’s you, they’ll think you’re knitting a penis cozy, but you’re only knitting if you’re somewhat domesticated. And then you can stab people with the needles. But a cleaver? That’s just so impractical. And we know you’re about teh practical.
      .-= Laura´s last blog ..The Sparrow =-.

    5. That’s just what all my cocktail parties have been missing – zombies. You’re now going to be on my permanent invite list.
      .-= Barbara´s last blog ..Just Follow the Instructions =-.

    6. I’ve been to plenty of cocktail parties that were so boring I wanted to die, but no one actually died at one of them. Your parties are way more fun. Please let me tag along next time!
      .-= TwitterFail´s last blog ..Not Touching You =-.

    7. I… I was just super pissed because I am hungry because I don’t want to go to the store and there are cookies in my house but I can’t find them because my asshole boyfriend hid them from me and now he is out getting involved in a sex scandal and I STILL CAN’T FIND THE FUCKING COOKIES, but none of that matters now because I saw that you wrote a new post and that would have been enough but then… THEN…

      … then you linked to my post and you actually said that you wished you wrote what I wrote and I think I just won more than I have ever won in my life even though I am still hungry and I don’t have any cookies and my boyfriend is probably sitting in some other girl’s bed eating the cookies with her.

      Now I never have to shower again because I pretty much just reached the pinnacle of my life and I can’t go anywhere but down from here – but that’s okay because I’m lazy and I’m glad I reached all of my life goals this early so that I can just coast from here on out. Thank you 🙂
      .-= Allie´s last blog ..Three Posts in One Day?? What Am I? A Loser? Yes, Actually. =-.

    8. I’ve been needing to stab someone for quite some time now. Want to come over? I mean, you’re already dead, so what’s the harm?
      .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Bye Bye Jiggle [The Workout Rundown] =-.

    9. I hope the other people at that getaway brought their zombie kits. Otherwise their fuckedd.
      .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..An Epic Tale from a 3rd Grade Me =-.

    10. Maggie looks strangely calm after doing you in. Perhaps she is shocked to hear that water bras kill people.
      .-= Lynn from For Love or Funny´s last blog ..Seeing beyond the bumps =-.

    11. GREAT, one more reason for all the insecure girls to lose their minds: “JENNY TOTALLY GOT STABBED AT THAT DAMN BROAD PARTY AND I DIDN’T GET TO SEE IT IN PERSON, BOOHOO, I MISS ALL THE COOL STUFF, BOOHOO.”

      I’m glad you had fun! You deserve it, mama.

    12. Also, that is totally the scarf for wearing whilst killing people you just met. Good eye, Mags!

    13. Also, (again, gah!) I love that you are already holding your death flower pre-death. Way to be a planner, Jenneh.

    14. Aw, that dead puppy joke gets people killed all the time.
      It should come with a warning or something.
      Hope the ghost of you has the same great hair.
      .-= MommyJenn´s last blog ..Ten reasons why I’m a Freaky Phobic. =-.

    15. You get invited to all the best parties. Or are they the best parties because you’re there? Yeah. That make much more sense.
      .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..Killing Two Birds =-.

    16. Huh. You know, I’ve pictured you in situations like this, but I always assumed that you’d be the one with the cleaver.
      .-= Evn´s last blog ..The open letter I’m waiting for =-.

    17. Uh, Jenny – if you thought those photos would deter anyone from inviting you to parties, ya better think again! Hilarious!!

    18. So, since your previous “week round up” I’ve been spreading Douche Canoe around Australia. Until a friend tried to convince me that Australians didn’t know what a douche was to begin with. And I was all “that’s just being silly…of course they do are you trying to tell me a whole nation doesn’t know what a douche bag is?” That was what he was trying to tell me – Coliary!
      .-= Deidre´s last blog ..7 hour date…No, Seriously! How is a person charming for that long? =-.

    19. Damn, I was really hoping you’d finish up with a link or instructions that would help me perfect the cleaver portion of my son’s halloween costume. We are having a hell of a time finding a way to lodge the cleaver in his skull without, you know, lodging a cleaver in his skull.

      At any rate, I admire the lengths you go to for your readers. Inspiring.
      .-= Jacquie´s last blog ..secret beach =-.

    20. Looks like a good time was had by all??
      .-= won´s last blog ..What Do We Need? =-.

    21. Nice rack, Jenny

    22. I’m not jealous broad anymore. If forgetting punch lines is a death-by-cleaver offense, I’m in big trouble with your new girlfriends.
      .-= Edgy Mama´s last blog ..Weekly parent: getting out the kid sillies on rainy days =-.

    23. You look so much better near death than I do… I always look so…lifeless.
      .-= Martie´s last blog ..Oral: A Gift That’s Good To Receive AND Give… =-.

    24. If you replace the salamanders with mimes, you won’t get that kind of reaction from people. Nobody really cares about dead mimes(or the ones that live), so It’s the safest way to go.
      .-= C.B. Jones´s last blog ..How to sell old people on eBay, and not end up getting in trouble for it! =-.

    25. There needs to be an immediate intervention at the mere whisper of an upcoming cocktail party at which you have been asked to make an appearance.
      .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..I’m Pretty Sure They Regret Inviting Me =-.

    26. Dammit! There goes my chance to claim the title of “Zombie Blogger.” But hey, now that you’re a Zombie, they’ll probably make a movie about you and romanticize the shit out of it and make you all sparkly in the daylight (because let’s face it, a Zombie that sparkled at night would just look too much like a Diana Ross), and next thing you know everyone will be sporting Facebook flair that says, “Team Bloggess Zombie” and then they’d make a movie with a super cool soundtrack and all that other shit. So um yeah, you’re even uber-cool as a Zombie. Figures.

    27. That’s fantastic. Does that mean we get articles on Zombie sex now? Because that would be kind of cool. Imagine all the extra bits you could appropriate as per requirements….
      .-= ellie´s last blog ..She works hard… =-.

    28. You know, in that first picture, I’m not entirely sure who has a bigger “holy shit!” look on their face…I know, I know. You’re supposed to be the badass…but the caption in my head is all, (you) “holy shit I’m actually going to do this!” while Maggie is all, “holy shit I thought it was just for the damn picture…she’s actually going to do this!”

      .-= Jessica´s last blog ..why i started this. why i keep going. =-.

    29. zombiesummit.com IS something I would go to.
      .-= jenB´s last blog ..Thing I did in NYC while alive =-.

    30. I love those pictures so much. One of these days, you and your anxiety disorder are going to convince me and my anxiety disorder to attend a social event. This is not that day.
      .-= Swistle´s last blog ..Think of Her as Kevin Federline =-.

    31. OMG I love your blog, this is the first post I have read and I love it already! Look forward to poking around!
      .-= rachael´s last blog ..is it possible to change your behavior? =-.

    32. I generally feel cocktail parties are just a form of punishment. A group of people who don’t really like each other thrown in a room/house with the option of getting drunk. So then you have a room full of drunks that don’t like each other. Then you’re required to gush to the host/hostess about how fantastic the party was even though you thought about stabbing either yourself or everyone in the room in the eye with a fork. Complete punishment.
      .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..Moronic Monday: Dumbest. Criminal. Ever. =-.

    33. But, most importantly: Are you in ONE PIECE? You arrived, yes. But I remember the anxiety you wrote and spoke of when going to BlogHer. And I am a shitty Twitterer(ererer) who CLAIMS she isn’t an asshole who was going to stalk you on Twitter for days and days only to forget all about you when the weekend arrived and Hello! I didn’t have to take care of children for 24 hours! AND I GOT TO DRINK! And it was PAID FOR BY SOMEONE ELSE. So, I guess you can see why I have been neglecting my stalking of you on Twitter. Since you asked.

      I await your immediate response to the question in question.
      .-= tracey´s last blog ..A Day In the City =-.

    34. I am in one piece. Except my for heart, which I left in San Francisco. Because people pay a lot for blackmarket organs there and I couldn’t afford the plane ticket home otherwise. It was just the left side of my heart though so it’s not really as serious as it sounds.

      I don’t feel so well.

    35. I’ve never actually BEEN stabbed at a party, but I usually wish someone WOULD stab me.
      .-= bejewell´s last blog ..I May Have No Soul, but I Make an Awesome Naughty Nurse when the Costume’s Clean =-.

    36. Now I am so embarrassed because I finally clued in to the fact that you were being cleavered and were not the cleaverer. Which actually only makes my point: you need to have sharpened knitting needles with you AT ALL TIMES.
      .-= Laura´s last blog ..The Sparrow =-.

    37. I cured a chick with some sort of a social anxiety disorder once. I took her out every weekend to a cool, live music joint and drank rye and gingers with her. She mainly watched me shoot pool and hung out with the friends of the guys I was annihilating on the slate. By spring she would occasionally head out on the dance floor and shake it up. By summer she had left her husband and became a total slut…lost the kids, the whole works. There’s worse things in the world than an anxiety disorder. It could actually be saving you from being a total whore….
      .-= Legs´s last blog ..Milf of the day…The Bloggess =-.

    38. Jenny, you are even beautiful dead, even without your wig. You are so my hero.
      .-= Cassie´s last blog ..profound advice since 1979 =-.

    39. Is it just me, or does anyone else here have a boner?
      .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Jack Sparrow and the Class-3 Felony =-.

    40. Whose life list *doesn’t* include axe murder? Or butcher knife murder? Or some other sort of horrific, bloody death battle?
      .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Tips for Teenagers =-.

    41. Hey, you got zombified just in time for Halloween. That’s pretty badass.

      P.S., I taste like garbage so you should probably just not bother with my brains.
      .-= Natalie´s last blog ..Being Uncomfortable and My Zombie Baby =-.

    42. Jenny the Bloggess, you are also quite a good modeless and photographess. I always enjoy your photos.

    43. I like how in the first picture, you’re holding a flower while trying to fend off the cleaver-wielding attacker as if she’d used that to distract you.

      “Here… hold this lovely flower… whileIchopyouupandfeedyoutothewoodchipper… Oh what? No, I coughed.”
      .-= Mark 2100´s last blog ..Reverse Propaganda – Telling the truth to confuse the addled mind =-.

    44. Like many of the guys posting, I am also way impressed with your rack. Not in a lesbian way, but more in a “what kind of bra is she wearing, because I think I need one of those” kind of way.
      .-= Katie´s last blog ..Amber Seaglass Ring =-.

    45. I was looking through your flickr photos, and just wanted to tell you that I think you take amazing pictures.

    46. TOTALLY on the same page as Katie about the rack… IMPRESSIVE! Wish mine looked that way, though after breastfeeding 4 kids, I kinda wish someone would take a butcher knife to my rack… maybe insurance would cover a boob job!
      .-= Mamacakes´s last blog ..Self Analyzing =-.

    47. I clicked on the comments section to see what the percentage of ‘nice rack, Jenny’ postings would be. The result: Higher than I expected, with a diverse audience of people who appreciate Jenny’s form. And/or the support infrastructure of her bra.


    48. ahahha the caption under that photo- fucking hilarious.

    49. I’m socially awkard and can’t tell jokes either maybe we could stand in the corner together and drink and tell each other jokes where we fuck up the punch line but it’s okay becuase we’d be laughing and then people wouldn’t tihnk we were socially awkward

    50. She looks like such a real murderer!
      .-= Nel´s last blog ..Starring Belle as the Tooth Fairy =-.

    51. I liked the “I Win” girl. Check out her post on the uterus! Funny!

    52. Dearest Jenny-

      If this blogging thingy doesn’t work out for you, you have a career in photography awaiting you. That flickr page is wonderful.

    53. your boobs are amazing

    54. As a ballet teacher (and not as a freaky foot fetish fiend – I swear!), I must tell you what amazing arches you have!

    55. THAT is exactly why we should invite you to a Halloween party. What is a Halloween party without a bloody murder??!!
      .-= submom´s last blog ..Tis almost Halloween. Do you know where your costume is? Let Zoltar inspire you… =-.

    56. your photos on flickr, crack me up!!!
      .-= lydee´s last blog ..enter 3G =-.

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