(UPDATED: NOW WITH MORE WIL WHEATON) An open letter to Wil Wheaton

Dear Wil Wheaton,

Hi.  I’m sure you must be very confused about my insistent tweets asking for a picture of you collating, and about the fact that the I Blame Wil Wheaton shirt was given an award for being one of the most viewed shirts on zazzle.

First of all, let me assure you that I do not actually blame you.  I blame your secretary.  Or whoever is in charge of sending out photos of you collating papers.  She should probably be fired.

Secondly, I’m pretty sure that you haven’t sent me a picture yet because you’re not sure what I’m going do with it and that is a totally fair question and one I’d be asking myself if a sex worker was asking me for a picture of me collating paper.  In fact, I’d probably suspect that “collating paper” was code for some kind of weird sex act.  Like, remember back before the internet was invented, when “laying cable” just meant you were laying cable?  Me either.  But I assure you, “collating paper” here just means collating paper.

You probably don’t read my blog so I should explain that the reason I need a picture of you is because I constantly get emails from PR people offering me pictures of celebrities using whatever bullshit product I don’t actually care about and I’d like it to stop.  Most recently I wrote about my interactions with PR people who wanted to send me photos of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water, and of Selma Blair wearing a scarf.  (This is all true). I still get these emails daily and my plan is to get a picture of you collating paper so that when they offer me a picture of “Harry Connick Jr. standing next to yarn” I can say “Thanks.  Here’s a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper” and then they’ll be like “Um…why would I want a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper?” and I can be like, “EXACTLY.”  It wouldn’t actually stop PR people from emailing me thousands of pictures of people-with-things but I’d at least feel better about it.



PS.  It’s totally okay if you don’t want to send me a picture at all because years ago you commented on a post I wrote for a blog that doesn’t even exist anymore and now you get a pass for pretty much anything.  You wrote “Now you can scratch one off”.  I know because I kept the notification.  I can’t actually remember what the post was about but I’m fairly certain your response, though brief, was totally apropos.  Also, I emailed you to make sure it was really you and you responded: “It’s me”.  Seven characters.  It’s pretty clear you had a talent for twitter before it was even invented.

PPS.  I had the maid proof-read this and she just pointed out that “laying cable” is not a sexual euphemism at all and I was like “Who’s the sex worker here, lady? They sent me to Japan to write about sex ponies so I’m pretty sure I’m the expert here” but then I looked it up and it turns out that “laying cable” is code for taking a long, unbroken poop.  Apparently I was confusing “laying pipe” with “laying cable”and I’ve been saying it wrong for pretty much my entire life.  Awesome. Plus, now the maid is claiming that “writing about sex doesn’t make you a sex worker” so I had to pull up the pictures of me in the sex dungeon for proof and she was all “You’re fully clothed” and I was like “I think I have a picture of me naked in here somewhere” and then my husband walked in and was all “Why is no one working in here?” and I was like “Do you know where those pictures are of me naked but covered with hamburgers?” and the maid was like “It doesn’t count if you’re covered with hamburgers” and then Victor said that from now on I’m not allowed to be in the house on days when the maid comes.  Because apparently he doesn’t want me to have friends.

PPPS.  I found the hamburger pictures.  You don’t have to look at them though.  They’re really more for the maid, who I’m not allowed to talk to anymore.  I don’t blame you though.  I blame Victor.



Reason #307 why I love the internet.

Updated again:  It would be selfish to keep this to myself.  This page is for you.  You’re welcome, world.

406 thoughts on “(UPDATED: NOW WITH MORE WIL WHEATON) An open letter to Wil Wheaton

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Maybe you should trade the pictures of Lou Diamond Phillips and Selma Blair with With Wil Wheaton, it’ll be your own version of celebrity pokemon cards.

  2. I’m going to RT this blog post daily until Wil Wheaton gives you what you want (and deserve). This is a totally logical and acceptable request.

  3. Oh, Jenny. How long till your maid takes out a restraining order, and you have to move out of the house every time she comes cleaning?

  4. I have my fingers crossed that Will Wheaton reads this post and sends you another comment. Or better yet, a picture of himself collating papers.

  5. Enough is enough. His free pass should have expired by now, and it’s time for him bring something new to the table. Pictures of him collating aren’t too much to ask. It’s not like you asked for pictures of him stapling, for Christ’s sake.

  6. There are days when I need your insanity. Today is one of them.

    Thanks for being a nutter I can enjoy Jenny. It’s a public service, really.

  7. I really, really, really hope Wil Wheaton sends you a picture. That would be almost as awesome as finding out that unicorns really exist.

  8. He’s probably got them setting up a collation set at the studio right now. And he’s researching collators to get it right. He’s dedicated like that, yo.

  9. um…while this post is hilarious, i find myself incredibly jealous that you got a comment from wil freaking wheaton! dude was my hero back in the day. besides Stand By Me, the way he got gunned down in Toy Soldiers made me want to be in movies…tell him i said hello if you ever get that photo!

  10. I once had a comment on my blog that said “Now you can rub one out” but it was from a guy I went to high school with. Not Wil Wheaton. Still, I feel like we’ve shared some kind of amazing experience.

  11. You do realize that if Mr. Wheaton responds to this, you have to tell us about it. Geekily obligated. We met once in Austin on the stairs before w00tstock so I totally know you and can order you around. DANCE MONKEY!

  12. Because NO ONE gives me the belly laughs the way you do, Jenny. I’ll look at naked pictures of you with hamburgers any day. *Hugs*

  13. Miranda Lambert is going to be on the cover of Redbook soon. I know because I PR person e-mailed me (and I’m sure only me) to tell me about it. I don’t know what she’ll be doing besides probably standing there with one hip jutted out, although I must be curious because I didn’t automatically delete the e-mail.

    But this isn’t about that.

  14. You make me laugh on a regular basis. For this I thank you. My coworkers probably hate you. I’ll tell them not to blame you. They can blame Victor.

  15. From his books and blog, he’ll probably send a video of himself collating papers while making it funny in the process.

    And never change. Please. Even if it means OD’ing on absinthe but DONT DIE, stay weird.

  16. I totally admit that I had to look him up, and as soon as I saw google images, I was like “Holy crap! I DO know who he is.” Just so you understand, I suck at remembering names, and thus think I don’t know who the hell anyone is. But I’d totally remember who Wil was now, if he’d give in to your pleas for a picture. So yeah, you could claim that you are making him more popular by doing this, which will make him richer/more famous/a paper collating GOD among the nerds/etc. Plus, you have minions that will bug him to death for it, and I’m sure there is a limit on how many restraining orders one can get. This is all important I’m sure. I’m really sick, and the doctor put me on good drugs (and gave me a steroid shot, which should scare Wil into giving in to your request alone), so everything makes sense to me in a nonsensical kind of way. Yeah.
    I’ll shut up now.

  17. I don’t know if anyone has done this yet, but I would like to offer you a picture of my self doing something that you can use. Because THAT would be even more exactly to the point when you foward it to the PR people. Because NO one important wants a picture of me doing anything.

  18. I can send you a picture of Wil Wheaton holding a teddy bear. My sister got his autograph at Gen Con last year and he was nice enough to pose for a picture with her teddy bear. I <3 him so much for that alone. I know it's not as exciting as collating papers though.

  19. I am certain that Wil Wheaton will rise to the occasion and provide you with the requested photograph. I do not know Mr. Wheaton, but he invokes a certain “collatingness” when I look at him, as if he were the type of man who could really collate the holy living hell out of some paper. I do not think he is too big of a celebrity to collate paper, although I am sure he could afford to have “people” for that.

    Wil Wheaton would never crush your dreams to confuse publicists. Wil Wheaton is not that kind of person. I will knock the teeth out of the lying head of anyone who implies that Wil Wheaton is a bad guy who doesn’t care about his fans.

  20. I really hope Wil Wheaton replies with a picture of him collating papers with a burger balanced on top of a taxidermied (taxidermy-ed?) creature in the background. Because that would make everyone’s day. I don’t even know who Wil Wheaton is.

  21. I love you. I love Wil Wheaton. There’s so much win in this post I don’t even know where to start. I want to have your babies, except I’m pretty sure that’d be impossible and Victor doesn’t want you to have friends anyway, so coparenting is probably right out.

  22. Have we accosted wil wheaton over twitter to get him to read this? I do hope I didn’t miss that part…

  23. I’m not going to accomplish shit now that Wil Wheaton tweeted that the paper wasn’t going to collate itself. WHERE IS THE PICTURE, WIL?

  24. I just read Wil Wheaton’s tweet about having to go collate paper now and I…honestly did a happy dance in my chair. You are my super-hero!!! Super-hero!!

  25. He wrote ‘now you can scratch one off?’

    I remember the days before the Internet where ‘scratching one off’ actually meant ‘scratching one off.’

    Now I’m just confused about it.

  26. Is it wrong that the one thing I took from this is that you have a maid? I’m trying to convince my husband that we need to have someone come in once a week or every 2 weeks to dust and do the floors (I have RA) but he seems hesitant (eg: cheap). Hmm… If I tell him YOU have a maid, maybe that’ll change his mind.

  27. Were you in Japan when you got pictured with those burgers and fries? Were they real burgers and fries? You never know in Japan since they use fake food regularly and that stuff may be toxic. You have a future in stunt work, or at least as a food tester.

    Wil Wheaton should take it as a high compliment that you are asking for a picture of him collating papers, especially since you didn’t include collating instructions or guidance. Not everyone knows what “collating” means, much less can do it right. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve wanted to strangle for collating my papers incorrectly. Nothing screams, “I’m an incompetent idiot and have wasted a shit ton of this working group’s time” like papers collated incorrectly. Wil Wheaton probably already has done this, which is why there’s a delay while he prepares a multitude of possible choices for your shirt, maybe even enough to have one for each day of the week or themed topics.

  28. Wait a minute – I also went to a W00tstock where there was a substitute Wheaton. That is just typical Wheaton. I stand up for him, only to remember that he has slighted me. Wil Wheaton is a bad person.

  29. I so love Wil and Jenny. 🙂

    PS. I could never live next door to you. I would always be laughing and never get anything done. Then I would get divorced but then you would make me laugh some more. So maybe it would be OK.

  30. I was totally with you on the “laying cable” thing. Are you sure it’s about pooping?

    Am also now having dirty thoughts about Wil Wheaton.

  31. Emo Philips called me funny once in comments on a blog on his Myspace page. Yeah, that wasn’t exactly just yesterday it happened either.

  32. I hope you get a pic of Wil collating paper… You deserve it if you can’t talk to the maid. Gheeze, Victor!

  33. Snort, All I can think about is the Star Trek episode of Family Guy where Patrick Stewart is giving Stewie shit for the way he says Wil Wheaton. AHHHHH it’s stuck in my head make it go away.

  34. Shit…I just had to explain to yet another co-worker why I was snickering manically at my desk. Which is to say I just tried unsuccessfully to deny that I was snickering manically while trying to contain a bout of manic snickers…

    Which is NOT a hyperactive candy-bar, contrary to popular belief.

    You rock.

  35. Maybe the problem is that you haven’t told him what kind of paper you want him collating in the picture and with all the choices available he is having too much difficulty picking the perfect paper. Although I would think that Wil Wheaton would know what kind of paper he would look best collating so just forget what I wrote.

  36. I had to look up what “collating” means. I have no idea how I functioned before Google.

    I totally thought “laying cable” meant the same thing you did. I should have known when I told The Man to “lay some cable on me” and he gave me the hairy eye ball. So glad he didn’t take me up on THAT offer.

  37. Everytime we watched Star Trek: TNG, whenever Wil Wheaton’s name came on during the credits, my husband used to say, “Weeeeeeeeel Wheaton!” You know, the way Buddy Ebsen used to say, “Weeeeeeell doggies!” on The Beverly Hillbillies. He still occasionally does that when he watches a rerun. He’s nothing if not consistent.

  38. 5 minutes ago I was googling Wil Wheaton (oh, *that* guy!), and now I’m following him on Twitter. Funny world we live in.

  39. “It doesn’t count if you’re covered with hamburgers”??? Jesus. I’d like to know what counts in the maid’s world!

    You now have another convert.

  40. It is the machines that collate, not the man. Wil Wheaton may press the “Collate” button, but who is the slave, and who is the master?

    No, I’ve never written ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ fanfic. Why do you ask?

  41. I think Victor needs to lay some pipe in order to be in a better mood. Or maybe he needs to lay some cable. Either way.

  42. I am totally in love with Wil Wheaton. And now I am stalking, I mean following him on twitter. I hope you get your wish.

    And yeah, thanks for making we think there was narcotics in my lunch. You rock.

  43. –>The actor Wil Wheaton is actually “the third” so maybe you can address this email to his dad and granddad. You don’t even have to change the salutations.

  44. Jenny, in the best possible way, you are mental. I mean that with love. I also love Wil Wheaton and I have no doubt he will rise to the challenge. I would thinknkf anyone would know how to collate it’s Wil. Plus he’s a game lad.

  45. It took me a little while to figure out who Wil Wheaton was and now i know who he is. I think the problem is that nobody can collate anymore because now there’s collating copying machines. If you really want to get a hold of him you should probably have me try it because i wanted Jamie Bamber to get a hold of my daughter and my letter DID INDEED make it through all the PR people and he sent her a very nice individualized letter therefore BLOGGESS, or JENNY, or my pretty soon to be pal, you should probably ask me for some help.

    That is all.

  46. Seeing Wil Wheaton kind of interact with you on Twitter is like when you see that two celebrities you have adored separately actually know each other in real life. Like when Brad and Angelina got together after that movie they made (you know, the one they shoved down America’s throat), and how everyone was all excited until they over did it by having babies.

    I think my point is, no matter how close you and Wil Wheaton get, don’t have his baby. It’s just become trendy. Although, your baby may have super powers. That’s how Star Trek works, right?

  47. Speaking of weird sex euphemisms/acts on the Internet. I need you to go to Urban Dictionary and look up “BLUMPKIN”. It is probably my favorite word of ever and is part of my daily vernacular. Not kidding.

    It also kind of goes hand in hand with your laying cable. Enjoy! Also, seeing a picture of Wil collating papers is now a part of my bucket list.

  48. Five bucks says he not only sends the pic but comments here too. Because he’s that awesome. Almost as awesome as you. I remember when he commented on Mama Drama. I can’t help hating you just a little bit for that – you stole my blog crush right out from under me. 😉

  49. This is all well and good and certainly interesting, but when I click on links that lead me to believe i will see a ravishing beauty and she will just have very little clothes or hopefully no clothes on, not to mention food products, tho’ burgers are made from beef and that is near and dear to my heart, seeing as I am a cattle and horse rancher, I am sorry vexed and disappointed when I do click to see a ravishing beauty with waaaayyy to much clothing and/or food products on. Could you please send me some pictures of you with much less of the food items and/or clothing, please? Pretty please? With cream and sugar and all other goodness, on it?

    Cuz, that’s how I roll dawg! 🙂

  50. Just spit soda all over my keyboard. It was all super-hysterical until I had diet coke soaking into my alphabet. And now, thanks to you, I know who Wil Wheaton is. The Bloggess, you is FUNNY. Thanks.

  51. I think you should go for gold and ask Wil for a naked picture of himself covered in hamburgers. Now THERE’S a T-shirt!

  52. This has absolutely made my day. My Geek Idol and my Humor Idol interacting online. If I had a diary, I’d write this in it.

  53. I have to leave my husband now and go have Wil Wheaton’s love babies because he is so TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  54. Sucha fun post! And even better – looks like the non-Evil Wil Wheaton was working on collating today! He pasted the pic you requested on his blog and dedicated it to you 🙂

  55. I can totally beat that! Wil Wheaton emailed me! That’s right, I wrote him an email saying that I liked his production diary of Criminal Minds and he said “Thanks!” I have saved that email for two years.

  56. Oh that is an awesome picture! The look on his face – the one that says, “see, secretary, I told you I could collate the damn paper better than you! Now take the picture!”

  57. I totally love your blog..why i’m not here reading it more often is bad etiquette! I’m totally psyched though that @wilw sent you a photo!!that’s just beyond fabulous!

  58. I am always always always the last to get the joke, the thing, the whatever whatever. I never understand what the big deal is or what’s what. Ever. EVER.

    So, of course, I’m always, like Wil Wheaton What now? Stand By Me? Ok…so? Yeah?

    Thank you Jenny. It is clear. I feel like bursting into song. What’s that from? It’s a Whole New World? Some Disney piece of shit. I understand that song now, too.

    God bless you Bloggess, and Wil Wheaton collating paper.

    p.s. If I’m up until three am trying to imagine all the messed up things that laying cable could mean, I’m going to be PISSED.

  59. I am thoroughly disgusted by the thought of you covered in hamburgers. YUCK.

    However, add some cheese to those burgers and I might reconsider. 🙂

  60. Wow, I actually got to see this happen somewhat live, instead of 3 weeks after it happened…

  61. I once wrote Wally Szczerbiak (now plays for the Timberwolves, I think? This was when he was still in college) a drunk email about how I wanted to “dribble my way into [his] heart”. I signed it Ivana Bianya, but had my real name in the reply-to field. He replied that I should “pleases [sic] leave [him] alone”. I wish I still had that email but that was back when I had hotmail, which was literally a decade ago. But that’s my famous person email story. I’m going to go pour one out for all the awesome emails that were lost when I let that sucker lapse.

  62. Now that he has sent you said picture, ask him if he would sent you a picture of him naked, covered in Hambergers & collating paper. It could become the back of the T-Shirt…

  63. I started a rumor that my teacher is a ninja which pretty much makes her a ninja cuz she’s so ninja-y even SHE doesn’t know. I think that makes you a sex worker. And I’m a tiger fighter. All in how we present ourselves to others.

  64. I like how Wheaton played it cool like “I believe this is relevant to your interests” as if you are just generally interested in pictures of celebrities collating papers, instead of like “Me collating? BADAMN! How d’ya like me now?!” Classy guy.

  65. OHMYGOD You got a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper! Wil is a FREAKING GOD! This is the most awesome proof that internet is FREAKING AMAZING!

    And I hate exclamation points, so you know I’m excited.

  66. OMFG!!! Wil Wheaton is the new love of my life. That is the most awesome thing I have ever seen. At least that I can remember. Which I guess isn’t saying very much since I have the memory of a fruit fly on meth. But still totally awesome!

    Are you reading this Jason Mraz???? See SOME people actually respond to open letters. Please take note. This, sir, is how it’s done.

  67. Of course his secretary is only letting Will Wheaton collate blank paper. Paper with words that needs to go in order is probably best left to the chupacabras; I hear they are excellent paper collators.

  68. When the zombie apocalypse strikes, would you please lead my band of survivors? Because if you have the power to get Wil Wheaton to send you a photo of himself collating papers, you can do ANYTHING.

  69. I never comment on a blog but I read yours religiously and I felt this was a good a time as any to pop my “comment cherry.” Love that you made this happen. Or really should I thank Bridget for the Lou Diamond Philips email that turned into Wil Wheaton Collating Paper.

  70. It’s a good thing he submitted. Sometimes it’s just easier to take the damn picture, Wil. She wants what she wants. Sometimes it’s a boar’s head, other times it’s celebrities doing paperwork. No one ever knows what it will be, but it will always be awesome in an “I don’t know why this is so awesome” kind of way.


    also, roflmao @ cursingmama

  72. Yeah, verified that laying cable is poo-related. My husband verified it. And he is the Poo Master. Though not the master of laying cable. That would be the Fiber Master.

  73. I had this whole comment prepared in my head that was going to talk about the evolution of my infatuations and how they started with Magnum PI, then went to Huey Lewis and on over to Eazy-E then to Rick Astley and ending with Bradley Whitford and Oliver Platt. But now? Now i just want to buy Will Wheaton some wall art. There is a thing down at the Holiday Inn this weekend for masterpieces for just $99. Do you think he’ll share his address next?

  74. Whats with you calling out Star Trek people on Twitter. A year or so ago it was Shatner. Now it is Wheaton. IS it only Star Trek people with the name Will? Or can I expect you to ask for picutres of Patrick Stewart peeling an apple ….ohhh even better Scott Bakula blwo drying his hair.

  75. Jenny,
    Thanks for turning my shitty day … into a good one. I needed a good laugh and you are such a joy. As of the 10th, I will, officially, have been unemployed for one entire year. IT SUCKS and I’m about to go out of my mind with depression over it. Without your blog I would have gone off the deep end a long time ago. I like to tell myself I have marketable skills but after another rejection letter I’m starting to wonder. I can form complete sentences, I can cook really well and I am an excellent print buyer. Whoopee! If you know anyone who is looking to hire someone with these skills, hook me up.
    Thanks again, Circle (aka – RMjB)

  76. I always thought I was the only chick who blogged about wil wheaton. Yet another reason for me to love you.

  77. I WANT A PICTURE OF PICARD PEELING AN APPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  78. OMG! This whole exchange has kept me giggling with barely repressed glee all day! I love the internet!

  79. I’ve spent an hour trying to come up with something witty to say about this, but all I can think about is that every time I think about this, I come dangerously close to peeing in my pants.

  80. The fact that he sent the photo totally proves what I’ve long suspected: TNG > original Star Trek since William Shatner was less gracious.

  81. I’m besides myself. The snark has left me and been replaced with hysterical fits of laughter. This might be my favorite post ever. There is gold in every line!!!!

  82. This is clearly my Lucky Day! I had no idea who Will Weaton was or what laying cable meant before this, and now my abs are sore from laughing so I don’t even have to go work out (which I wasn’t going to do anyway, but you know, Lent and all).

  83. The internet might as well just roll up its sidewalks and go home, because the awesomeness of this entire exchange will never be topped. EVER.

  84. I am in bed with a splitting headache – but Wil’s picture made me laugh! That and your mix up with “laying cable”. I knew exactly what you were talking about. Of course I once told my new boss that my boyfriend was a lot like Hugh Hefner when I meant EF Hutton – so I’m easily confused. But I DO know who Wil Wheaton is – so congrats on your victory!!

  85. OMG, you made my day!
    And I’d love to see a picture of Patrick Stewart peeling an apple…. can you make that happen too?

  86. Holy HELL. I freakin’ LOVE WIL WHEATON!!! I can’t believe he sent you a photo. Well, I can, because you’re YOU. That is beyond AWESOME.

  87. Wil Wheaton was my very first celebrity crush. Actually come to think of it he might have been my first ever crush. Even now I think I would pee myself just a little if he sent me a picture of himself . With or without the papers.

  88. Your pee esses make me so happy.

    And Wil Wheaten may be a golden god but that expression? If that ain’t a S.E.G. I don’t know what is….

    p.s. Pardon my abbreviated French.

    p.p.s. Or should it be “Pardon my acronym” which doesn’t have near the punch.

  89. A while ago I got mad at him for not commenting at my blog. I mean, come on, Wil Wheaton? Doesn’t he know I used to make out with him via a cathode tube ray. And, that’s pretty fucking dangerous. I think.

    Anyway, I love him again.

    All because of you, Jenny!

  90. I agree with William! Please use your new-found power over the cast of Star Trek for good and humor! How about Leonard Nimoy feeding homeless clowns? Chris Pine teaching orphan dolphins to swim (preferably in a speedo)? I have no doubt that you will wield this power benevolently! All hail, the Queen of the Final Frontier!

  91. It is ridiculous how tickled happy I am by this. I already knew Wil Wheaton was an f-ing cool dude, but his willingness to humor us this way makes my day.

  92. I can’t believe the amount of people who don’t, well, DIDN’T, know who Wil Wheaton is. That’s just wrong.

    The picture he sent you? Is so, so, right.

    You must post the VERY INSTANT you get the first confused reply back from a PR rep who only wanted to ask you if you’d have liked a photo of Corey Feldman applying sunscreen.

  93. Wil is awesome. Way back when he responded to an email I sent him and he totally didn’t have to. Absolutely fantastic guy.

  94. AWESOME! You are, if not better than Mother Theresa, definitely more powerful.
    *with apologies for my blasphemy for your Catholic readers*

  95. Love. His willingness to humor you to thwart the idiocy of PR people makes me laugh. Way to go.

    Twitter is the great equalizer, isn’t it?

  96. I love that he actually gave you a picture!
    And that he is wearing a Star WARS shirt! Awesome galore.

  97. Jenny, the power that you have is unimaginable. I want to become your minion, just so that I can learn from you!

  98. the only reason I know who Wil Wheaton is is because when I first starting blogging, a friend of mine started an anti-Wil Wheaton web ring.

    There is absolutely no point in me telling that story other than to say “ha ha, remember web rings?”

  99. For those of us who get these pitches … or … info emails of random crap we’re supposed to want to blog in between posts about our illness and our kids … is this photo for mass parentblogger/blogger use? Because imagine the epic meme you have now spawned for PR companies world wide… every. single. time they send us a lame request we just fire back the Wil photo.

    All of us.

    Each time.

    It’s sort of like your Christmas thing only it doesn’t really help anyone but us. And by help I mean, feel like we’ve finally told the lame PR firms to stfu.

  100. Words cannot express my emotions right now.
    And I believe we need a pic of him wearing the shirt. Or of your maid wearing hamburgers. I can’t decide.

  101. Now I want a hamburger.

    I’ll bet Wil wants a hamburger too. I’ll bet he could collate hamburgers. Your maid can’t collate hamburgers. Though she’s probably going to try, so it’s a good thing you can’t talk to her any more, because then you’d just be disappointed and she’d be all sad ‘n stuff. Then Victor would win and really, that’s unacceptable. I’m not sure what he’s winning. Not the same thing Charlie Sheen is winning. It’s all very confusing.

  102. I think you may be onto a whole new enterprise. How many more celebrities can you browbeat into doing your bidding? Jim Parsons (Wil’s onscreen nemesis) watching TV. Henry Winkler filling up his gas tank. Brooklyn Decker picking her nose….The possibilities are endless.

  103. This may have just replaced “Wolverines!” as my most favorite ever Bloggess post. Wesley Crusher was the first Star Trek man it would not have been creepy for me to have a crush on, so I crushed…hard. Now that I know how fucking cool he is (evidence=he reads the Bloggess), he may have moved from crush worthy to “List” worthy. You and Wil Wheaton have completely invigorated my entire week!!!

  104. I love Wil Wheaton, and I have for as long as I can remember… and this proves how cool he is. I also have grown to love this blog…. which proves how cool I am.

  105. “Plus, now the maid is claiming that “writing about sex doesn’t make you a sex worker” so I had to pull up the pictures of me in the sex dungeon for proof and she was all “You’re fully clothed” and I was like “I think I have a picture of me naked in here somewhere” and then my husband walked in and was all “Why is no one working in here?” and I was like “Do you know where those pictures are of me naked but covered with hamburgers?” and the maid was like “It doesn’t count if you’re covered with hamburgers” and then Victor said that from now on I’m not allowed to be in the house on days when the maid comes.”

    That is the best run-on sentence in the history of run-on sentences.

    This blog post and Wil Wheaton are GOLD.

  106. Long time stalker, first time commenter…

    This is the best. post. ever. You and Wil are GODS indeed.

  107. I totally crushed on this guy too. Not as much as I crush on you, though, Jenny.

  108. This give me hope that with perserverance and a little more time on my hands I might, someday, somehow, have my very own picture of Mike Rowe sorting paperclips!

    *sniff* A girl can dream.

  109. Now that is how to be awesomely famous. I don’t think I could ever NOT love Wil Wheaton now.

  110. Umm, if you ever get a picture of HCJ standing next to yarn, PLEEEEASE send it to me? I would leave my hubby for that man.

  111. I was more of a Johnny Depp chick back in the day. I now realize the error of my ways. Team Wil totally. And The Bloggess is my own personal hero. I love you, I honestly love you.

  112. Honestly, you owe me a pair of jeans. And shoes. Because I went back and read your naked cheeseburger post (the whole thing…) and I peed on myself from laughter.

    Ok, I didn’t REALLY pee on myself from laughing. But I could have. And Jenny, you honestly need to think about these things. Think about how you are affecting ME and MY life.

    I am thinking about doing photos with McDonalds Apple Pies covering my body. Because it sounds good.

  113. OMG, please please please ask Harry Connick Jr. to send you a picture standIng next to yarn. Because clearly you can make shit happen and my life just won’t be complete without a Harry+yarn pic.

  114. I am unreasonably happy for you. I think he just moved up on my list of famous people that I actually want to have a conversation with (you know, as opposed to the ones that I fear them talking to me, therefore ruining my fantasies that they are smart and sexy when in fact they just have a gym membership, a great dentist and good writers….)
    Good Gawd can I ever write a run-on sentence.
    You look hot in hamburgers.

    P.S.^^^^to that lady that posted above me- how cool that we have the same name!

  115. You are so wasting your talents Obama needs to make you an Ambassador or something.

  116. for reals? there are a lot of people that don’t recognize the awesomeness that is Wesley Crusher of the starship, Enterprise. Wil Wheaton FTW!

  117. OMG! I am now officially in love with Wil Wheaton!

    And my love for you has reached stalker level.

    Just think of the power you possess. I bet you could get pictures of celebrities doing just about anything! Your letter was just so heartfelt. How could he not respond?

    Could you get him to sing the song I wrote that is on my current blog post? (I get a share of any royalties if it is turned into a cd) Can you ask him? Pleeeeeeeeease? 😉


    xoxo C-

  118. I totally love him now. I kind of, maybe a little want to jump on that table and rip off my clothes for him. (a predictable response if you know me. extra disturbing if you know my current predicament… my husband? no. nevermind him.)

  119. Aw, that Wil Wheaton. The best part is the smile. Very cool.

    I’m glad he’s not one of those child actors who still looks boyish. That just creeps me out. It’s like sticking a baby’s head on a grown body.

  120. Srsly. You need to update/make the shirt and donate the proceeds to some sort of kid’s science/space education camp.

  121. I shall now busy myself uploading the picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper as my screensaver. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say, “our world is now complete. Thank you, Bloggess. Thank you, indeed!”

  122. Oh Jenny. I love your blog. But I have to ask….. “Who the hell is Wil Wheaton?” Is that someone famous that I should know about but don’t because, apparently, I live under a rock?

  123. Bonus points to Wil for keeping himself in photo-ready state. It’s like he inherently knows that a Very Important Request may be made AT ANY MOMENT for a picture of him collating papers. He even had a bunch of papers ready. Consumate professional, he must be.

  124. Can you get one of him washing boxer shorts? I have a few bucks I could throw you for that one.

  125. Have you tried forwarding the various spam you receive to the PR people? Hotmail thought I was a bot when I tried, but maybe it’ll work for you.

  126. That… That was *magical*. Not as awesome as the whole James Garfield Christmas Miracle, but pretty damn close.

  127. Wow. I saw the tshirt and thought it was amusing…but this is amazing. Wil Wheaton is very awesome. Who saw that coming?

    (Although looking back, I remember him being in an episode of the Big Bang Theory. And a picture of him wearing a tshirt with a picture of him wearing a tshirt on it, that had a picture of him wearing a tshirt on it…you get the idea. So I should have seen it coming really.)

  128. This is epic. The ONLY thing about it that lacks awesomeness is that I will never be able to explain this story to anyone and make it sound even remotely funny. It’s SO FUNNY that I can’t NOT talk about it, but no one will understand. I think I’m going to have to recruit you some new readers from the pool of people I get to see in person. You know, for the day we get to see Picard peeling an apple.

  129. Every time I’m on the computer and I make the slightest sound, be it chuckle, chortle, fart, or blasphemy, my husband asks me what I’m looking at, so when I’m reading your blog (THE blog, really, the only blog that I read religiously) I generally give him a quick synopsis of whatever post is making me spit milk out my nose and sometimes I even read snippets (or the whole thing) to him out loud so he can also enjoy the magic that is The Fantastical Jenni, but he never gets it, which makes me love him a little less every time. Really, the man doesn’t know from fun.

    I love you. And I love Wil Wheaton. You two put cracks in my Anti-Twitter armor. Oh, and next time I come to Texas I’m going to stalk you down and make you model for me; I’m thinking of you doing the Apple Test in the Panda suit.

  130. What an authentic looking collating station. His studio did awesome. And I totally buy him collating those papers – that’s JUST how good an actor he is.

  131. Omg!!! I love him in The Guild and Big Bang Theory!! Now I love him even more for being funny and posing for the collating picture! I may have to print it and laminate it to my Xbox. 😉

  132. I totally thought the same way about laying cable. This totally explains now why everyone only looks disgusted while I was the one alarmed thinking this was inappropriate talk for work and the ombudsperson would come flying through the door to censor us. Well, I guess either way, it’s probably not the best conversation starter. Unless you work from home. And then it totally makes sense.

  133. Wil Wheaton was my first celebrity crush. The events that unfolded today have made me smile and giggle like a school girl. Thank you!

  134. You do realize that Wil Wheaton is going to start sexting you now, right?

    Also, you should know better than to assume that Wil Wheaton’s secretary is a woman. It could just as easily be David Hasselhoff.

  135. You are now my favorite blogger. Ever. You can thank Wil Wheaton for that.

    Or maybe it was the hamburgers…

  136. This is so full of awesome. I absolutely loved TNG and now seeing him as a guest star of The Big Bang Theory just makes my day. And now this. Social media at it’s finest!

    Wil Wheaton, you ARE a golden god. Hilarious, irrelevant and good spirited. Excellent picture, too. Well worth the $85.

    Jenny, I love that you got your own personal photograph of Wil Wheaton collating paper. I think you, Wil Wheaton and Allie Brosh are the trifecta that wins the internet. 🙂

  137. O My Gosh I love this! I loved TNG and The Guild…he is such a good sport!

  138. Apparently this is not as funny to people that I need to explain Wil Wheaton to. Or is it so hysterically funny that I am laughing enough for the both of us? Yes. Ima go with that one.

  139. First, Will Wheaton has just catapulted to awesomeness in my world. #2. Fucking hilarious. Thank you for the giggles.

  140. Look at that smug little face, he aint achieving anything, he’s succumbing to your will. World domination, Jenny – 1, Wil – 0

  141. I realize that Wil Weaton did this for you, but I’m having a bad day and this made me really happy. I feel like maybe I just met Wil. This might be the cold medicine talking, but I don’t even care. Collating paper has never looked more SciFi and awesome.

  142. I don’t know how I found you but you are hilarious. I’m a fan now! I was told by a neighbor in jr high that wil went to our school for a minute. It could be total crap but I thought that was pretty cool.

  143. My husband is very excited that someone else is as obsessed with Wil Wheaton as he is. He showed this by coming in and doing his I’m not weird dance, which is weird in of itself thereby canceling out the normal he got by not being the only one obsessed with Wil Wheaton.

  144. This is so effing hilarious. I can’t handle it. You are a superior goddess of the interwebs. You’re like some sort of “bloggess” or something.
    PS – who is this guy? I really dont know. sorry.

  145. I agree; this post is exactly why I love the internet. Humor, wackiness, and celebrity all together in one awesome package. Love you, Jenny (and Wil)!

  146. He actually freaking sent you a picture!!! Oh my GOD Jenny that is amazing! I always thought that Wil Wheaton was probably one of the coolest people in existence and now I know it’s true!

  147. Will Wheaton totally rocks! and I have laughed until I cried. I almost said peed my pants, but Will Wheaton might read this and I don’t want him to think I have urinary incontinence from being 40 and pushing out three babies. Which is totally true, but I still wouldn’t want him to think it.

  148. I had to read all of the comments to figure out who Wil Wheaton is, but this post has been hilarious!! I am so glad I’ve been able to watch the craziness!

  149. It took me WAY too many posts to realize people were for asking for Picard peeling an apple, not PEEING on an apple. I just kept thinking, “that’s a long shot, people”

  150. Well…Will Wheaton is a good sport. I can’t say his name without hearing Stewie Griffin’s voice saying it. If you’ve not heard it, look it up on YouTube. You’ll never be able to say “Will Wheaton” without smiling ever again. Really.

  151. And this is why I totally regret having had to go to Chuck E Cheese’s instead of going to ComiCon on Friday or Saturday and meeting Wil Wheaton (darn birthday parties!). 🙁 There is always…some other time.

  152. I’m certain this is exactly what is meant by a “random act of kindness.” Not that it’s random so much. Actually, the instruction is very clear. So, kindness, then. Yes.

  153. Okay, that is just awesome! I might be able to forgive Wil for being Sheldon’s archenemy now…

    And I bet I can make you feel better about the whole “laying cable” thing. I work at a hotel, and one day a guest was talking to me about how if she only had some pixie dust, her entire life would be so much better. Which is weird in itself, but also? I totally forgot that pixie dust and angel dust are not the same thing. I was amazed that this seemingly tame middle-aged woman wanted to score some PCP. So there I was, warning her about the side effects of pixie dust and how I was sure she didn’t want any, but if she was really interested we had this other guest who might know a guy. And then we were both confused. I think that’s the story of how I am the best desk clerk ever. Or the worst. I can’t really decide.

  154. He is kind of amazing. He does this kind of stuff ALL the time cause he’s such a cool guy. A GREAT friend of mine actually just asked him to say hi to a camera for me cause I couldn’t be there to meet him in person and he made a 2 minute video talking to me. It was amazing. Then when I e-mailed him to thank him, he e-mailed me back. Just proof that sometimes people are as cool as we imagine them to be.

  155. This is just so epically cool, there aren’t even words to fully describe it!

    So I’m going to stop now…………………..

  156. I think the coolest thing about Wil Wheaton is that he started out as Wesley Crusher who was not cool at all and then he grew up to be this cool! Who’d have thought! Not me (but that’s not unusual).

    Some days he’s my only reason for hanging in there with Twitter.

  157. Wil Wheaton was my celebrity crush growing up. I had his Teen Beat posters all over my wall. While all my friends were drooling over Cory Feldman… I was all about Wil Wheaton. This has to be the best post I’ve ever read. Thanks to The Blogess andto Wil for giving me a new poster for my wall.

  158. Someone had an awesome idea: A picture of Scott Bakula blow drying his hair. Do you think you can make that happen? I’ll give you $90.00 and then you’ll have Wil Wheaton collating, Scott Bakula blow drying is hair and $5.00 more than you started with. I believe that’s called winning at winning. I’m picturing a whole wall collage of former Trekkers going about their business. George Takei looking in the refrigerator, Levar Burton pointing at a lamp and smiling, and God willing, Patrick Stewart licking a stamp while watching the new, not the old, Hawaii Five-O. *swoon* I’ll get to work on Scakula.

  159. SWEET!!!! It would be the ultra bomb diggity if will w was wearing your I blame Will Wheaton shirt! 🙂

  160. So much win packed into one little post it makes me giddy. You’ve made my otherwise shittastic day so much brighter! Well, you and Wil. Thank you.

  161. Oh my God! I read your entire post and was pretty sure that I was having some sort of epic Wellbutrin hallucination, but then I saw a real picture of Wil Wheaton and his paper and thought he looked pretty fucking snazzy and much more grown up than when he had to wear those polyester onsies on Star Trek and I always thought his mom was such a raging bitch but she was shagging Captain Piccard so what are you going to do because then he could just jettison your ass into outspace and/or take away your holodeck privileges, which, I’m pretty sure you’d just be using for interactive porn but still. And I really HOPE that he’s the guy from Star Trek or none of this makes sense AND I’m definitely having a Wellbutrin hallucination.

  162. Frickin’ cool — I laughed my a$$ off!

    So Jenny, where’s the t-shirt, now that you’ve got the picture???

    I’m waiting……

  163. Sorry, that should have been I LMAO? ROFLAMO? Oh, what the hell, I’m so uncool with these damn acronyms. But Jenny, you’re cool so I don’t have to be.

    Still waiting for the damn t-shirt, BTW . . .

  164. In my mind’s eye people on TV never age — so he’s still pimply kid from Next Gen. But there he looks like someone I would date or possibly have hamburgers with…

    I’m really really sorry about the maid.

  165. Jesus H! He’s so cute and fresh faced, it makes you want to turn him onto a travel sized trinket and pop in your pocket. Yes, I had a crush on him way back in Stand By Me. This could quite possibly be the highlight of your career.

  166. 1. I briefly thought I was a decrepit old person for not knowing that “laying cable” was a sex euphemism. I feel better now. Thank you Jenny’s maid.

    2. I would have screwed the whole thing up because I would have spelled it coallating and then yelled at my computer for not knowing how to spell when it warned me I was wrong.

  167. Funny that you should mention sex talk with the maid because I was just about to write a similar true story on my new blog “I can’t be serious” about sex inspired thoughts I had as a result of a conversation with my old cleaning guy. I’m sorry that your husband took your friend away. We can be friends if you’d like:) Laurie

  168. Gosh, perhaps you should send that picture of Wheaton to Sheldon Cooper because I can’t be team Wheaton and be on Cooper’s bowling team while Wheaton is the Arch nemisis of Sheldon Cooper. Maybe you should contact Sheldon next…a picture of him shredding paper…then he and Wil would hug and you would have brought the whole world together. I know if anyone could do it, it would be you!

  169. Remember that time you, and the rest of the Internet, asked Wil Wheaton for a picture of himself collating paper and he gave you one?

    That was awesome.

  170. Riker called; he wants his beard back. Troy misunderstood. Scotty called; he wants permission to go into the Jefferies Tube (laying cable or laying pipe)? He was missing a finger. Chris Chambers called; he wants his role as main character in the body back. See Scotty.

  171. I’m so happy to see that Wil Wheaton is just as adorable as ever, and obviously a dude with a great sense of humor. Hooray!

  172. OMG woman, is there no end to your powers?? This is completely awesome! You rock, as usual!!

  173. Wow, this made my day! Of course anything with Wil Wheaton automatically makes your day cause that’s an understood rule of the universe.

  174. I was waiting for that update! I knew he would could through for you. He must collate…what?…6 or 7 times a day? But to get him to be photographed doing it? Very cool.

  175. So I’m wondering if all the people who didn’t know who Will Wheaton is have been living on the right planet and then I finally realized:


    (aka, anyone born after 1980). That’s the only reasonable conclusion.

  176. You are absolutely priceless, lady. I am going to have to somehow work that “laying cable” into a conversation with my 16 soon-to-be-17 yr. old son, with whom I share a penchant for the potty humor. Yes, it is he who taught me how to say “drop a deuce” (which I never understood why that term until just NOW when I double-checked how to spell “deuce” and realized it means “two” — which I did know that, but I just never put “two” and “two” together, which makes 4, but who the hell cares about math). What can I say? As a single mom who had to also be the dad sometimes, I needed a way to bond with the boy, and that’s the ugly turn it took! (Just hope I don’t get the two terms mixed up like you did and say “laying pipe” to my son instead of “cable” or that will make for one embarassing mother-son moment.)

  177. I’m almost embarrassed to admit I don’t know who Wil Wheaton is but he just becamse the coolest person I know because he sent you a picture of himself collating papers.

  178. I can’t believe this is Reason #307. So what were the other 306 reasons??!!

    Not to brag about it, but this post, that picture, is Reason #1 why I love YOU (and you = Internet). Done.

  179. SEE?!? This is why I want to be you when I grow up. Even though I think I’m older than you.

    Wil Wheaton, you truly are a golden god.

  180. That pretty much proves Wil Wheaton is the most awesome person ever! 🙂
    And this is the most awesome post ever! 🙂

  181. I told my husband about posting about him not knowing from fun, which led me to fill in the backstory of Jenni and Wil Wheaton, and he immediately did the Stewie “Hwil Hwheaton” and told me that he had just hours before watched that very episode of Family Guy on tv. I bet they played it because of you, Jenni. Because of you.

  182. Wil Wheaton: CLASS. ACT.

    Anybody who thinks otherwise is NOT PAYING ATTENTION.

  183. Is it me, or is he still kind of a hottie? The beard…. Now I want the shirt for even MORE inappropriate reason!

  184. WILL WHEATON FUCKING ROCKS! I LOVE THIS! Have you guys seen him on the Guild? It’s the best ever internet comedy and? he wears a kilt. Which is beyond awesomeness. Dammit, i love this blog. *reads what I just wrote* *yep, me= total fan girl* #noshame

  185. Sadly, I had no idea who was. But now I see he is quite cool. Proven by the fact that he was on Criminal Minds and Numb3rs. Seriously, how did I not know him???

    Plus, your link to him totally reminded me about those two doctors who told me I have Celiac Sprue disease and whose advice I have been ignoring in hopes of a little more time making love to my bread, cookies and cake. Wil’s mom reminds me that maybe I should take my health a little more seriously.

  186. Wil Wheaton is just plain awesome. We all KNEW it. I was born in 1972, just as he was, proving that all people born in 1972 are just plain awesome. Studies have been done. This picture is just SO MUCH BETTER than Lou Diamond Phillips holding water, on so many levels.

  187. Oh dear God. You and Wil Wheaton are so EPIC. Now if I could just get a picture of Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day acting out the scene from the “Cawkes” painting made famous by The Guild, my life would be complete. COMPLETE.

  188. You know when you see someone you work with and they’re hanging out with someone that you went to day camp with when you were twelve and you’re confused because it’s like two of your worlds just collided?

    For some reason, that’s what it feels like when you post about Wil Wheaton, except I don’t actually KNOW either of you. But I have a false feeling of familiarity thanks to the joys of the internet. Well, the internet and digging through your garbage on the weekends.

    Also, the photo was pretty much inevitable but I’m glad it happened sooner rather than later.

  189. 1. Still waiting on Picard peeling an apple. Make it happen Queen Bloggess. 🙂
    2. I’m in the same boat with Samantha. My husband looks at me like I’m insane (no, that’s my *other* personality…shut UP!) whenever I talk about the hilarity that ensues on this site. They sooooo don’t get it.
    3. Jenny, you are SO up for sainthood. James Garfield, panda suit, Wil Wheaton. Your 3 miracles are complete.

  190. You go Wil Wheaton. Very very cool. I most like the value-added aspect of all the sheets being blank.

  191. Thank you so much for blogging every day. We are huge fans of yours. We are teens from CT, and we’d love it sooo much if you could come on down here and visit our school to give a lecture on blogging and such. We go to a tech school.

    Dag & Forrest

  192. laying cable? what is *the other* meaning of laying cable? I’m having this flashback to the day my husband asked me if I wanted a pearl necklace….well….. ask me again today and my answer is: HELL NO, *DIAMONDS* are a girls best friend……

  193. I LOVE that he actually sent you a photo! That officially makes you both fantastic.

    Someday, I am going to be famous enough that I can ask you for a photo of you collating photos of Wil Wheaton collating paper. Because I’ll need that sort of thing.

  194. This is so full of win I can’t stand it. Can you score me a picture of Mark Wahlberg stapling things ?

  195. Pingback: Week 10, 2011. «
  196. Dear Jenny,

    It would really be best if you could please post daily. I need more laughter in my life.

    I appreciate your prompt attention to this matter,


  197. I would have commented on Wil Wheaton’s blog, but it was too cool to accept my typepad address. But he is now the shiznit. Bloggess is the bomb, but his panache while collating takes him to a whoooole new level.

  198. I just like saying “Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher”.
    Is that wrong? ;’ )
    Hi-Res means above 1000 pixels in both dimensions usually.
    “Ambassador, I would like to introduce you to Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher, he has been doing all out best Collating when not trying to bang Ashley Judd.”


  199. Mlle. Jenny,
    I should have probably let you know that Wil has now completed Barbizon’s “Be a Secretary Or Just Look Like One!” training, hence the delay in getting your photo. All apologies, and enjoy.
    — sarah, coordinator. Barbizon Secretarial School

  200. Wil Wheaton kicks ass. You rock too Jenny! I was thrilled when Gigilo the Pom from Housewives of Beverly Hills sent my dog’s Twitter account a “Happy Birthday” DM. Yes. That’s the life I live. That was the apex. It’s downhill from here.

  201. Speaking of laying cable…. Wil Wheaton looks just like No. 2 with that beard! By No. 2, I mean Commander William T. Riker actor Jonathan Frakes, of course.

  202. Holy crackerjack on a stick, I love Wil Wheaton so much right now. I have tried to get him to tweet me back several times, but obvs he is too busy coalating papers. This Rules.

  203. You want some pokemon humor? “What?! Wil Wheaton is evolving!” -dramatic music- “Wil Wheaton has evolved into Johnathan Frakes!”

  204. You are the most powerful person in the Universe! Who is next on your list of people to submit to your will? Might I suggest Charlie Sheen? He seems pretty persuadable these days.

  205. I can’t wait for the day when we can all look back with fond nostalgia and say that we were there for Wil Wheaton Collating Papers. And looking so dashing whilst collating!


  206. “It’s pretty clear you had a talent for twitter before it was even invented.” Abso-smurf-ly!

  207. This is such a great big fat WIN all round. You and that Wil bloke made me laugh till I choked. Golden…

  208. I love to read your blog. I feel SO much saner in comparison that it just boosts my ego up up up! Even though I had to Google Wil Wheaton because I am bad with celeb names and thought he looked like a Star Trek guy and guess what? I was right! He is now my fave and I will follow him on Twitter. Best thing that’s happened to Wil in a long time was being written up about on The Bloggess.

  209. I was in love with Wil Wheaton when I was ten and I still use the line “Suck my fat one” every chance I get.

    This just reminds me of how awesome he is.

    Excellent. Love it.

  210. Thank god you had got a picture of Wil Wheaton collating papers because until I actually saw the picture, I had no idea what collating even meant and I was too lazy to google it.
    And just for the record, I’d love to see the picture of Lou Diamond Phillips holding water.

  211. Hi Jenny – I’m sure I’ll see you again at BH in SD but gonna bug you with this one clarification: PR firms don’t pitch celebs with products, that’s publicists.

    It’s why I cringe when people call me a publicist. I have a brain and know people don’t care about celebs with products outside the stoopid entertainment blogs/sites. And why publicists make me wanna throw up a lot.

    See you in a few! 🙂

    (See, here’s the thing: The product being pitched is not the celeb. It’s the blanket. Or the baby shirt. Or the scarf. Or the water being held by the celeb. In absolutely none of these pitches do the celebs look even vaguely happy or presentable and my guess is that their publicist would never give the okay to have these pics used. This is about the PR people for the product wanting their product covered because they have a candid, strange picture of a celeb standing *near* it. ~ Jenny)

  212. i want a picture of wil wheaton licking an old fashioned stamp. can you make this happen? (by “old fashioned” i mean not self-adhesive.)

    other suggestions: wil wheaton loading a pez dispenser, wil wheaton standing around a water cooler, wil wheaton on a swing (regular or tire). this could be a bizarre book.

  213. Jenny! This breaks my heart for you and I’ll tell you why– A couple of years ago I asked you when your birthday was (which you never replied, sister) because I was going to try to pull my ONE STRING with Chris Hardwick @Nerdist and see if he could get Wil to @ you for your birthday. One string = I was the first person Chris followed on twitter and I’m 80% sure that means he owes me.

    You just ruined your birthday. Largely because I’m also 80% sure Wil Wheaton knows where the birthday unicorns are kept.

  214. That shirt can be had at http://www.dammittees.com – sorry for the shameless plug.

    Funny story about how he got that shirt: Wil was at a Los Angeles Derby Dolls roller derby game and I was selling shirts and he saw someone wearing one and geeked out on it. So they told him where they got it and he bee lined over to me with money in hand, wanting one. I told him that I would give him one for free if he would hold it up and let me take a pic of him holding it. He said he would rather pay for it and wanted to save the picture until he could wear it at WOOT! Con. So I gave him a good deal and some stickers.

  215. Now you need a Demotivational Poster style t-shirt with this picture saying “Wil Wheton is collating. Your argument is invalid.

  216. I just found this blog searching for “Wil Wheaton makes a good bad guy” because I saw him last night on Criminal Minds. This post is much better of a destination.

  217. Why is Wil Wheaton collating blank paper? This photo looks staged! I demand a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper that actually needs collating!

  218. How did I not know about this until now?

    Dang it. Jenny, I love you. (But not as much as I have always loved Wil Wheaton.)
    Although your notes about the husband, and you, and the maid almost made me pee myself.

    Keep being awesome!

  219. I realize this is probably a somewhat empty statement becuase I was already going to love Wil Wheaton forever? But I am now going to love him forever EVEN HARDER.

  220. Oh my god- you are so funny I can not contain myself- my sister in law told me about you and I could not understand what she was talking about through her laughter and lightening speed Will Wheaton collating paper enthusiasm. But now it all makes sense. Such perfect, crystal clear sense. You are my sensai. However you spell it. My Mr. Myagi if you will. However you spell that. You are amazing. And I am going to buy out your entire zazzle shop for the holidays!!! Love, MC

  221. How conspiracy theories start: Wil Wheaton seems to resemble Jonathan Frakes, only in a younger and (sorry, Jon) better looking version. Note to self: investigate whereabouts of Jonathan Frakes during the possible conception period of Wil Wheaton…

  222. Been following your #simonpeggholdingtwine shenanigans and this just made me crack up. Can you do @TheRock next?

  223. Thank you for letting me know I’m not the only one who’s eerily obsessed with Wil Wheaton. Besides, Wil Wheaton on the Bloggess is like getting chocolate filled chocolate with chocolate on top, wrapped in chocolate, and covered in chocolate sauce! There is so much wonderfullness in having your two blogs collide!

  224. Oh, my God. You are hysterical and Wil Wheaton is fabulous. I am so totally not a geek, even though my boyfriend had a life-long subscription to Comic Buyer’s Guide, and I loved Wil Wheaton’s column and his self-deprecating humor. I truly admire the both of you for this collaboration on collation.

    Where do I sign up?

  225. Today is the first anniversary of Wil Wheaton Collating, and I have a story to share. Let this be my official application for membership in Unicorn Success Club.

    I went to a Panera Bread for lunch today, so I could steal the wifi to study with. The table behind me was taken up by a couple of entrepreneurs talking about their plans for the latest doctor sensation, you know, like you do. As I was finishing and starting to worry about the one-hour parking limit it slowly dawned on me that they were talking not about any random website, but a website designed to channel marketing pitches to bloggers. “What are the odds?” I thought. And just as I was ready to pack up, one of them said that they couldn’t do all that fancy stuff right off, so they would start with just generating email lists bloggers could sign up for that would automatically send them pitches based solely on demographic targeting requests made by the product makers.

    And suddenly I knew what I had to do. For the good of all humanity.

    I tore off a strip of my receipt, wrote “google ‘Wil Wheaton Collating'” on it, and handed it to them, saying, “Here, this will help you.” And then, because I am allergic to being towed, I headed out of the cafe, secure in the likelihood that a million bad PR pitch emails had been pre-emptied by one well timed drive-by snark.

    You’re welcome.

  226. And by ‘doctor’ In the post above I meant ‘dotcom’, but autocorrect is stupid and possibly evil.

  227. Kudoos to you both. You for coming up with that idea, and him willing to snap a photo and take it. It is amazing what PR folks think we really want. Oh well. I appreciate your sense of originality, and his sense of humor.

  228. Dear Jenny @ The blogess: help i need your super powers

    My friend’s birthday is March 26th and she really wanted b-day note, cards, electronic message, photo, really anything that has the word Birthday on it from fave celebs. Here is the list we put together:

    Felicia Day
    Paul Reubens
    Anyone that was on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
    Any Phoenix sibling
    Nathan Fillion
    Martin Starr
    Wil Wheaton
    Mathew Broderick
    Judd Nelson or really anyone from the Breakfast Club or a John Hughes movie

    I do not have super powers and cannot figure out how to get anyone on this list to even read an email from me. I just figured since you were able to get Whil Weaton to collate paper – you were capable of anything. Modern day wonder woman sort of deal.

    Her name is Minnie. We’re both students We both write but we’ve never gotten paid and no one ever reads any of it except our teachers, cuz they’re paid to.

    PS Someone should talk to marvel about making a blogess comic. You can be from planet Blog, take Victor as your human concubine and zap people with your hair dryer.

  229. Fantastic! I had to come check this out when I picked this picture for the Wil Wheaton signing today and they told me it was for you. So now I know, and it’s really funny! Thanks!

  230. Thanks so much for sharing such great stories with me and other reeders. But for me ,who is going to have an exam after nine days,which is considered as the vital thing deciding one’s future in China ,I still doubt that is that really works. I have tried everything I could to work for a great grade ,but I still haven’t reached my goal. As I thought that if I can not reach my goal,there has no reason for me to stick to it anymore. But I still don’t know what to do now.even if I have give up already, I still cannot accept it ,I don’t know whether it’s meaningful to stick to an impossible goal,which even ever had been possible? I still worried for my exam.😫I wonder if there is someone can help me?

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