Sue me. I’m awesome.

japan ef 2

So this weekend I leave for Japan.  “Why?” you ask?  Because it’s there. And also because I got drunk one night and Victor asked me if I’d go to Japan with him and apparently I said yes.  This is what happens when you get drunk around Victor.  You wake up in the morning and need a passport.  Whenever I mention it to people they’re all “JAPAN!  THAT’S AWESOME!” but to be honest I’m a terrible traveler and Japan scares the shit out of me and all I really know about Japan is that Godzilla was born there.  Also, I may be mixing Japan up with China.  Which I think makes me racist.  Or just bad at geography.  Possibly both.

Victor’s been to Japan before because he buys and sells samurai swords (I assure you, I am not shitting you) and he knows enough Japanese to get by but I am totally fucked.  When I was in college I easily blew through all my classes except French, which ruined my GPA because I suck at languages.  And I studied my ass off every spare minute for years just to get screamed at in French by a disappointed German teacher because it was kind of a shitty college and they couldn’t afford a real French teacher.  So now I speak bad French with a German accent.   It’s like Tex-Mex.  But instead it’s Gerench.  Or Frerman.  The point here  is that I can’t really do any language other than English and even then I kind of suck at it.  Plus, Victor’s been drilling me in Japanese for over a month and the only thing I can remember is that “juice” is “jewwwwwzuh”.  Also, I’m allergic to juice so it’s doubly pointless.  And at least one day I’m totally on my own in Japan because Victor’s off doing sword stuff so I can only assume that will be the day I get lost and no one will ever see me again.

Victor:  I cannot believe you still don’t know any Japanese.

me:  I know “Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto”.

Victor: *glare*

me:  I know how to say “I tried to fart but poop came out“.

Victor:  Say it.

me:  Okay, I don’t *actually* know how to say it.  But I totally wrote it down in case I needed it.

Victor:  Why would you need that?

me:  I DON’T KNOW.  This is exactly why I’m so panicked.  Teach me how to say “I’m a dumb American.  I throw myself on your mercy.  Help, please.”

Victor:  Just stick with “Sumimasen”.

Me: Huh?

Victor:  Sumimasen.  It means “I’m sorry”.  Sue me mah sen

me:  Huh.  How do you say, “I’m sorry I burnt down your temple?”

Victor:  Why would you need to say that?

Me:  I like to be prepared.

Victor:  Just say “Sumimasen”.  It works for everything.  It’s like saying “Excuse me”.

me:  “Excuse me” doesn’t seem dynamic enough for what I need.  How do you say “I’m so sorry I let all of your tigers out, Japan?”

Victor:  Out of where?

me:  Out of…Japan?

Victor: What the fuck is wrong with you?

me:  I DON’T KNOW.  I’M TOO FREAKED OUT TO THINK RATIONALLY.  If I write down a bunch of scenarios will you translate them for me on paper and I can just hand them out?  Like “I don’t want to buy your monkey” and put a picture of a monkey on it so I know that’s what it says.

Victor:  ?

Me:  Because it would suck if I meant to hand someone the “Am I supposed to eat this?” card but instead handed them the “I don’t want to buy your monkey” card.  Mass confusion.

Victor:  Just…just stick with “sumimasen”.

me:  Soo-mee-aw-sem?

Victor:  No.  Sue-me ma-sen.

me:  Sue me I’m awesome.

Victor:  No.  Not even close

me:  Really?  Because it sounds exactly the same to me.  Plus, it works in English too.  Like if I fuck up I’ll be all “So sue me.  I’m awesome.”  It sounds like something a total bad-ass would say.

Then Victor stopped talking to me and hired a free Japanese tour guide for me to chaperon me for that day.  Except she’s free so I don’t know that “hired” is the right word.  “Enlisted?”  Fuck. I CAN’T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH RIGHT, Y’ALL.  Anyway, some chick is supposed to take me around Japan for free and when I asked why she’d do that Victor said that the Japanese people have “a strong sense of civic duty” but it still doesn’t make sense because what is she getting out of it?  Victor says she doesn’t get anything out of it except “a sense of pride in helping others” but I can’t really understand that so I’m just going to pretend she’s doing community service for drunk driving because then at least I can relate to her.  Also it’s possible that she’s really part of the Yakuza Japanese Mafia and is going to kidnap me.  Victor thinks I’m joking about that but I’m about about 20% sure that could happen.  Also, Victor said he’d download a bunch of Japanese phrases to my iphone so I can just press a button and it’ll talk for me which sounded awesome at first because then I can hold my phone up to my throat like I can speak Japanese but I lost my voice-box to throat cancer, but then how am I supposed to understand what the Japanese people say back to me?  Basically the only thing useful I can say with my fake voice-box is “I’m also deaf too.  Sorry.  Sue me, I’m awesome.”  Victor says I’m not understanding the point but I think he just wants me to get lost and never come home again.  Except it’s not going to work because when we get to our hotel I’m going to have them write their address on my arm with a sharpie so I can just show the taxi driver and pretend I’m too drunk to talk.  So yeah.  I do have a plan.

So then I started looking online at all the cool shit you can do in Japan but then I realized that I don’t actually have any money to do any of that stuff so I approached a few companies and asked them if they wanted to sponsor me and they all said no in a very sweet way and I won’t name names because I’m not that kind of person but I will say that #nikonhatesthebloggess.  (They don’t really hate me though. That’s a joke.  They just hate Japan, I guess.)  But then I was all “Hang on, don’t I write for a really successful magazine/toy shop that totally gave me inflatable sheep and edible nipple pasties to give out to soldiers when I visited the Navy?”  And turns out, yeah, I totally do.  And so I sent an email to Eden Fantasys telling them that they spelled their name wrong and they were all “Yeah, you keep telling us that” and I told them that if they sponsored me in Japan I’d write funny stories for them about how to be a Japanese prostitute and they were all “Done“.  Which is why it’s awesome to work for a company that sells flogging toys for a living.  They are pretty much unshockable.  Unlike Nikon.  Who didn’t even want to hear about Japanese prostitutes.

So that’s why this weekend I’m leaving for Japan.  Basically I’m like Christopher Columbus and Eden Fantasys is like the King and Queen of Spain backing my expedition.  Except that if I remember correctly, Christopher Columbus got lost and thought he was in India the whole time he was in America.  So basically if I just manage to land on the right Continent I’m better than Christopher Columbus.

This is a really long post, right?  But I’m not sure how much I’ll be able to post over here while I’m in Japan so this is kind of making up for next week.  You can even break this out into little pieces if you want to save it for later but I’m about to get naked.  Stop now.

You didn’t stop did you?  I wouldn’t either.

So since I’m writing for SexIs as an official “International Correspondent” I’m trying to find some bizarrely strange things to do in Japan that would fit in a satirical sex column and I’m all “I know!  I’ll do that thing where you get naked on a table and people eat sushi off you”.  Except every place I emailed in Japan refused to respond to me and I can only assume it’s because those Japanese girls are tiny so you don’t have to put a bunch of sushi on them to make it look like you’re getting a full meal but I’m an American so I’m like 3 times bigger than those tiny Asian girls so probably the sushi managers think it’d be a bad idea because it would look like the customers were getting tiny portions when they saw their sushi on me.  Like when Weight-Watchers tells you to eat everything off a tiny plate because it fools your brain into thinking you’re eating more.  So basically, I’m not economical to use as a plate because I’m too fat.  Thanks Japan.  Now I have a complex.  But then I thought maybe I could convince them to change their minds by showing them how awesome I am at balancing food on me so I bought a bunch of burgers and artfully placed them on myself so I could send the sushi-restaurant-owners photos of me in action and I yelled at Victor to come help me and Victor was all “Why the hell are you naked and covered in cheeseburgers?” and I’m all “It’s for work, asshole” and he was all “I’m not getting involved in this” and I’m all “Yes you are!  Come take my picture!” and he did, but he did it grudgingly and totally from the wrong angle and I’m all “No. Stand on the back of the couch so you get a good shot” and he’s all “Why are you making my life this way?!” and I’m all “What?! I’m just asking you to take a damn picture, not kill the President!”  He’s very unsupportive.

Then he took the pictures and it was awesome so I sent several to the sushi restaurant owners and guess what?  No response.  Assholes.

I'm concentrating on sucking in.

FYI: These burgers are super tiny so they're making me look even fatter than I really am. Ordering off the dollar menu was a *huge* mistake.

Also, their models don’t usually eat at the time but I was hungry and multi-tasking because I didn’t have time to eat lunch.  But I wouldn’t be doing that at the sushi restaurant, *obviously*.  I understand good manners, Japan.

Mmm...french fries.

There's a salad on my belly button and I'm balancing a burger on top of it because I'm *talented*.

So if you want to keep up with me while I’m in Japan, you can check out my satirical sex column which (as always) is relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a tremendous douche.  If he is you should probably wait until you get home.  Also, my parents are going to be house-sitting and watching Hailey for us while we’re in Japan and I just want to remind you that my father is a giant, Bohemian hunter who carries his own crossbow with him and mounts bears for a living.  And when I say he “mounts bears” I mean he’s a taxidermist.  Not…that other thing.  But either way? Burglars beware.

japan badge

Comment of the day: It might suck even more if you handed them “Am I supposed to eat this?” instead of “I don’t want to buy your monkey.” ~ Kelley

197 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Amazing.

    You should probably find one of those Japanese sex dolls (you know, the creepy ones that look lifelike and are practically human) and then you should walk around with it and pretend you guys are best friends and American tourists.. plus she’d probably eat cheeseburgers off you…
    .-= Kirsten´s last blog ..10 (Actually Creative) Last Minute Halloween Costumes =-.

  2. Holy God I’m out of breath just from reading that. PS I covet your mad banner-making skillz.
    .-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Howlboken =-.

  3. You should have told the sushi restaurants you were at war with Germany. They may have been a little more compelled to help.

    Oh…my husband just informed they played for the same team now. Damn.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..i’ll be in my dungeon for 30 days =-.

  4. My boyfriend just send me a message on BlackBerry messenger:

    “Next funny thing: Send me the link to the “dear victor” blog, I need a laugh”

    Is there a name change I wasn’t aware of??? Perhaps Victor should make a blog!

  5. Just one word: Plastic food.

    Okay, that was two words. But I always regretted not bringing back plastic food, especially the spaghetti, with the fork suspended in the air, and two strands of pasta holding it up. If there are two meatballs on the plate underneath the spaghetti perhaps Eden would subsidize the purchase as some sort of food fetish sex toy. You could try, anyway.

    And “beeru o mo ippon” is a useful phrase.
    .-= Elizabeth in Portland´s last blog ..Growth =-.

  6. It might suck even more if you handed them “Am I supposed to eat this?” instead of “I don’t want to buy your monkey.”

  7. I’ve never commented before although I’ve been reading you for forever…just wanted to drop in to say “you’re fucking awesome!”

  8. You’re a fucking idiot. I just said that to see if it gets me traffic at my site. I don’t mean it! I don’t even have a site! Or a blog! or a life!

  9. Japan would scare me too because it’s so full of tall buildings and loudness. Or at least that’s what it looks like in Lost In Translation.

    Can I eat a cheese burger off of your naked chest? Blogher2010? BlowHer?
    .-= Miss Grace´s last blog ..In honor of Halloween, a silly photoset =-.

  10. Frankly, I’d be more terrified of entering your house and finding your dad mounting a bear in the other way…maybe you should have let people believe that. Have a great trip to Japan. You’re awesome. I may sue you.
    .-= Brutalism´s last blog ..I Want Candy =-.

  11. I seriously just pissed myself. Good work champ!

    Question for Victor……does “the finger” still mean the same thing in Japan? Also–how do you say “twatwaffle” in Japanese? Just in case….
    .-= singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..Cable, Paris & Obama =-.

  12. TAKE ME, TAKE ME, TAKE ME. It’s not like I speak Japanese or anything, although I love sushi, but I really think you should have a handler to ensure that you get back in one piece. And it would be soooooo fun.

  13. Jenny, I love you, but that “The Bloggess Does Japan” banner is incredibly racist.

  14. Oh snap! I would eat from your buffet anyday girl.
    .-= Toy With Me´s last blog ..How Does YOUR Garden Grow? =-.

  15. I love the banner!
    .-= Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommy´s last blog ..Tastemaker 2010 Challenge Update- The Stage Has Been Set =-.

  16. I was having an incredibly crappy week until I read your blog… HILARIOUS!! I mean, seriously, my husband came in and was like “what are you smiling about?” and I just started laughing again! This is the beauty of Twitter, reminds me to check out your blogs so I can laugh.

    Have a safe trip… maybe you can start up that mini-burger on the body thing as a small business at home, could be a great side business to save up for future trips!!

    Oh and … seriously, take a small gift to give to your “handler” for the day. She will really appreciate.
    .-= Tamiko´s last blog ..today’s a bad day… =-.

  17. Nikon is such a bitch. Like they’re not enabling pornographers!
    Pacifists.
    .-= Kristine´s last blog ..(Well it’s Not Like I’m Making Fun of the Jews) =-.

  18. That hamburger picture is AWESOME. I can’t wait to hear about your trip!
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Books! =-.

  19. Right Click -> Save As…

    I hope my wife doesn’t get jealous.

  20. I’m still waaaaaaay up at the top giggling at “I easily blew through all my classes”.
    .-= Cory´s last blog ..I want some floppy shoes… =-.

  21. UM. So Cheeseburgers? My favorite thing ever.

    And The Bloggess? Practically my favorite thing ever.

    Cheeseburgers on The Bloggess? I was a lesbian for about 5 minutes.

    *whew*
    .-= txtingmrdarcy´s last blog ..Halloween for Wusses =-.

  22. There is no such thing as your posts being to long. You are awesome (I have no intention of suing you). Keep doing what you’re doing Jenny. You really brighten my day when you post your blog or Twitter. I can’t tweet back cause I don’t know how and I can’t learn because Twitter is intimidating and not helpful at all. PLEASE try to post from Japan. My life kind of sucks right now and you are 1 of the things that make it better.

  23. “Burglars beware”? Honey, I’d say BURGERS Beware, because the Bloggess will SEX YOU UP. With Secret Sauce.
    .-= Scott C.´s last blog ..Why Won’t America Take Halloween Ho Hannah Seriously? =-.

  24. Suddenly those Nestle junkets seem pretty…well. Yeah. No pasties.

    Congratultions Jenny!

    Also try not to have Turning Japanese stuck in your head the whole time like I would.
    .-= Mom101´s last blog ..Mawiage. Mawiage is what bwings us togethew today. =-.

  25. The Japanese have this thing about making sex toys that look like animals. That should really go in your column. I find rabbit shaped dildos disturbing, but I have been told that the Japanese frown on making penis shaped rubber penises…because rabbit shaped ones are so much less offensive…apparently. WTF Japan?

  26. We *totally* own a samuri swords. Guess my family and victor are just wayy more awesome than people without samuri swords. And those people disagree, than us cool ones with samuri swords can just stab them. Japanese style.
    .-= Michelle´s last blog ..Rainbow Goodnes =-.

  27. You forgot “I’m sorry I made your sushi dinner look small” and ” I have my limits, Mr Sushi Dude, because despite the general female stereotype, I do NOT want my vajayjay smelling like raw fish”
    .-= Aria’z Ink´s last blog ..LMFAO Friday ~ Happy Birthday Josie Edition =-.

  28. Wow! Who’s allergic to jewwwzuh?? And those tiny Asian broads dress really awesome here in the US, I’m wondering why that is since when you get over there they all look like tiny, drunk, clown ballerinas?
    .-= BlackBird´s last blog ..Ignoring People is Fun…Try it! =-.

  29. 31
    Kurtron, the dominator

    I so would like to think that I can see your left nipple in that last picture… I mean, if you look at it, you can kinda see shadows that show the shape and size of your boob, and right where it should be… a nipple… OR… a conveniently placed graphic on whatever greasy paper the burgers were wrapped in.

    At any rate, I’be been a huge fan of boobs my entire life, and a huge fan of yours for the last year, so putting the two things together nearly gave me a massive erection. Which… conveniently, is the nickname for my pants beast: The Massive Erection.

    Have a great trip to Japland [almost sounds like an awesome (racist??) themepark, doesn’t it?].

  30. Victor’s been drilling me in Japanese for over a month

    You must be very sore by now.

  31. Oh. My. God. I am reading this at work and as I’m reading I start to giggle. The more I read the more I giggle, which turns into a laugh, which turns into tears, which turns into me not being able to breathe by the time I am finished. Then because I don’t want people at work to think I’m crying because my boss just yelled at me or that I’m emotional because I’m pregnant I start thinking up lies to tell them so that I don’t have to admit that I’m not actually working but reading your blog. Also, I don’t want them to think I’m crying because I’m pregnant because I’m not, I’m just chubby. But they are the kind of asses that might think that I am pregnant, not chubby (they already know that – I think someone sent them a memo). Anyway, what I’m saying is that you rock and also probably got me fired.

    Thank you.
    .-= momsmith´s last blog ..Tripping is NOT funny when it happens to you. =-.

  32. I have one important question…

    How do you say “douche canoe” in Japanese, (not that I am insinuating any Japenese people are douche canoes, thought they probably have their fair share, like anywhere else)?
    .-= Dudge OH´s last blog ..dudgeoh: @KarenAlloy Hi,Karen! How are you doing today? =-.

  33. Fabulous. Except I don’t believe you about posing for the photo. I think that after your were pounced on with that dagger in California and your dog was poisioned with extended release Zicam they drugged you and littered your body with fast food in some barbaric broad ritual. What the hell happened at that summit, that’s what I want to know? What the hell really happened?! I don’t know how you made it out of there, but I’m really glad you are alive.
    .-= Deb on the Rocks´s last blog ..Deb vs. Deb: Cage Fight with a Neil Diamond Soundtrack =-.

  34. That whole “write their address on my arm with a sharpie” idea is so Nancy W. Kappes, paralegal, which is another lifetime lesson you learned at BlogHer. I hope she gave you some trail mix for the road. Or plane. Whatever.
    .-= TwitterFail´s last blog ..Open Mouth, Insert Soap =-.

  35. You are awesome! I can’t believe you did that with cheeseburgers but then again maybe I can.
    .-= Midwest Mommy´s last blog ..Candy =-.

  36. I’m horrible with languages too. I was just in Lithuania for 7 months, and the only time my fiance’s family thought I was speaking the language was when I sneezed. Achoo! sounds remarkably like “thank you” in Lithuanian. I sneezed a lot. I am VERY polite.
    .-= Brooke´s last blog ..That’s What She Said =-.

  37. Somehow, I managed to read your blog for a long time and never until that last paragraph realize that our kids are named the same thing and even spelled the same.

    Holy shit.

    We should be friends except that I think it would end in total chaos and possibly the end of the planet so maybe it’s not such a good idea.
    .-= Kendahl´s last blog ..Tropical Traditions Review and Giveaway =-.

  38. I am here to save you! Seriously, go browse Steve Schultz’s phenomenal ‘Tokyo Damage Report‘ W-WW site. He has the data on what phrases you will need to utter in Japan, and how to pronounce them. He also tells you where are the cool sections of Tokyo, including the places visitors seldom go.
    You can find a lot of good stuff at 100 Yen shops. But if you want the complete Japanese overload shopping experience, go to Don Quixote! They’re all over Tokyo (& Yokohama). And they accept credit cards. (Call your credit card issuer and tell it you’re going to Japan, so it will not decline any charges which suddenly appear from there.)
    There are sections of Tokyo where you will find English-speaking restaurants, pubs, and shops. Yes, Akihabara is one of those sections. Once you find one of those, you’ll scarf the pamphlets and magazines which tell you where are the other sections.

    Bring skirts or dresses so you can flash your panties to salarymen on the subway. Peeping females’ panties is Japan’s second favorite pastime (Or so I think.). Just remember this. The trains quit running at midnight, and don’t start again until 5:00 am. But there are clubs which stay open until then if the worst happens.
    Hit my link up there. I have an entire rubric of W-WW sites about Japan.
    You’ll have a great time. Just be careful around the swords.

  39. dude. i’m drunk. or you are. have fun in jp.
    .-= SupaCoo´s last blog ..Trick Or Treating, with a Twist =-.

  40. Holy SHIT. That’s fucking cool. I took Japanese culture and language in college. You’ll totally be able to find weird shit. In fact, the Japanese totally invented wrong!porn. Like sex with giant squids and whatnot.

    Have fun, lady. What a cool adventure.
    .-= Maria´s last blog ..time travel at the Citgo =-.

  41. Get ready Japan! If you thought Godzilla was a force to reckon with, you should start running now. I hope Victor is bringing plenty of bail money. Have a good trip!
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..My Two Year Wreckiversary or "Food Could Have Saved Me" Night =-.

  42. Our friend Todd lived in Japan for two years teaching English. He met a girl, they got married, moved to Florida (?) and had a kid. Now they are thinking of moving back to Japan and are actually there now visiting her family for three months. I think one of the most appealing things Todd ever told us about Japan was about the all-you-can-drink bars. An alcohol buffet for like $10. All-you-can-drink. OK…so that’s probably like two glasses of wine for me but still! ALL-YOU-CAN-DRINK!

    Enjoy!
    .-= Cindy´s last blog ..THANKFUL FRIDAYS =-.

  43. Relax, dude. Most people in Japan know how to speak English, because they love Americans for some reason. And if you run into someone that doesn’t speak English, just do what most tourists do and speak much louder and very slowly. When they continue to look confused, sigh loudly and storm off as if it’s THEIR fault for not understanding YOU. Then you will have mastered the fine art of deflected blame.

    You’re welcome, grasshopper.

  44. Millions of your male fans will be pretending they are that french fry tonight!
    .-= Lotta´s last blog ..Magic Beads Cobalt Blue Glass Bracelet With Gold Extender Chain =-.

  45. For a girl with an anxiety disorder, you are fucking brave, my dear. I’m a very anxious person who panics easily, so when I do crazy shit, I blame it on my bi-polar, because that makes me totally impulsive and like sally field on ER and woooooooooooooooooooo. So yes. Sue me, I’m awesome. best badass phrase ever.
    .-= Jasie VanGesen´s last blog ..Halloween: The Anthology =-.

  46. Well, I guess I’m heading to McDonalds for dinner…
    .-= Steve´s last blog ..#95 Piece of Cake =-.

  47. Well, there goes my idea of taking pictures of prostitutes with my Nikon. What is their fucking problem?

    Also, you might want to nix the whole ‘write your address on my arm’ idea because basically Asian writing looks like my six year old son trying to draw a small city destroyed in an apocalypse, so you’d be all to the cab driver like,

    “I need to go to..um..if I’m reading this correctly…Tiny fancy house collapsed overpass industrial warehouse and, if I’m not mistaken, the symbol for pi. So sue me, I’m awesome.”

  48. wow. you sure have huge wrappers. and awesome buns, too.

    (how does Victor keep from getting paper cuts during sexy-time? And getting salt in his schmaltz?)

  49. You need to go to the Japanese Wal-Mart, or what is equivalent to a Wal-Mart in Japan and look in the girl’s section at some of the ridiculous t-shirts. They’re supposed to be like those little Ts that have “witty” sayings on them, but they’re all in English and apparently they don’t understand how to put English words together, so none of them make any sense. Hilarious.

    Also, I’d like to know what the Japanese word is for shart. It just seems like so much work to say, “I tried to fart, but poop came out.” Ya know?
    .-= Harna´s last blog ..Fancy Seeing You Here =-.

  50. Your Japanese lesson with Victor reminds me of when Joey on Friends had to learn French. . .so funny.
    Here’s the clip on You Tube if you’re interested at all

    Have fun!!
    .-= Hope´s last blog ..Halloween Wrap-Up =-.

  51. HOT PICS!

    If your husband happens to be an imaginary character of your blog, maybe we can go out?

    Let me know in your next post.

  52. OMG!!! I’m rolling! Can’t wait to read the stories!

    Have a great trip!
    .-= Kevin´s last blog ..Some People Have No Self Respect =-.

  53. Have a great time in Japan!
    .-= Margaret´s last blog .. =-.

  54. I laughed out loud. Really. Truly. Not just gonna say lol cuz that’s lame.
    .-= Dewey´s last blog ..Valentine’s Day =-.

  55. I think if you carry a samurai and use fancy ninja words you’ll be just fine.
    .-= Poison´s last blog ..I want, I want. =-.

  56. Nice peppermint placement.
    .-= middle-aged-woman´s last blog ..I Guess That Makes Me a Plus Size =-.

  57. My sister is off to Japan on Monday to visit her grandkids.
    There are many tiny slim and scantily clad Japanese women flitting about so you might have to watch out for Victor. It seems for the most part, this visual skin candy of Asian loveliness keeps my brother-in-law pathetically drooling with a constant boner and my sister just ignores his stupid ass.
    But they have Buddha’s, and lots of weird food. It’ll be awesome.
    You have fun now.
    .-= Catootes´s last blog .. =-.

  58. Now I totally want to grab some dollar menu stuff… getting anything else in Boston just gets too damn expensive… $8 for cold chicken selects… wtf
    .-= Rob´s last blog ..Blogging About Blogs… bloggyblogblogessbloggerbloggy =-.

  59. Take me with you, fearless Bloggess!
    .-= tokenblogger´s last blog ..Maybe the baker really is a knave… =-.

  60. In a weird way, posts like this make me sad …

    You’re gonna keep writing all these amazing, hysterical, creative posts and soon the rest of the universe will fall under your spell … and as they do, they’ll realize like the rest of us that you are totally the Queen of the Internets, and when they officially make you that, then all the stuff that goes with it will follow: posters, nekkid-cheeseburger Bloggess wallpaper, action figures, “The Blogess” TV show, “Jenny: The Movie,” the U.S. of Blogess, and tons of acclaim, fortune and fame, plus cool things like hanging out with The Rock or Fred Savage, or having the next planet in the solar system being named Jenny …

    So then, when you and Victor are living large in stately Bloggess Manor with your 76 servants and zoo full of giraffes, you obviously won’t have time to blog any more. And that makes me sad.

    So, yeah, thanks for ruining things by being so damned funny. Selfish bitch.
    .-= R in CT´s last blog ..carwash9.jpg =-.

  61. Bloggess, why can’t we quit you?

    I mean.. wait, that’s not right. Bloggess, why are you trying to quit us?

    Hm. Why are you going to make us quit you for a while, and then halfway through the post that is supposed to carry us through while we’re kind of quitting you, give us a chance to quit now so we don’t have to quit later, but make it too hard to quit now so we end up having to quit for longer later?

    ?!!!

    Well anyhow, it sucks for us that you’re leaving for a while. I’ll have to go back and read old posts to get my fix. Also, I probably got my husband fired because I texted him a quote from this post and I’m sure he’ll laugh hysterically at work and get in trouble. But at least he’ll be happy. Until he finds out there won’t be a post next week. Sigh.

    Also, has Victor made you watch that NOVA tv special about how samurai swords are made and how they ended up with high carbon steel in some spots and low carbon steel in other spots and this one guy stays up for 3 days straight to stoke the fire in the sword stove? He probably knows all that stuff anyway, and probably tried to tell it to you, but it would not surprise me in the least to find out you didn’t feel like listening, just BECAUSE he was trying to tell you. In all seriousness now, see if you can get a copy of that NOVA show, it’s actually really cool. I work at an engineering firm with some metallurgists and we watched it together during (company paid) lunch one day, and everyone there really enjoyed it, including the non-engineers, which is saying something.

  62. Be sure to visit Sakai when you get there!
    .-= Akilah Sakai´s last blog ..The Human Body =-.

  63. Those pictures of you are like porn for the guy who weighs over 500 pounds. Or is it 800? Shit, I don’t know. Anyway, you’re now plastered all over his walls. Think about THAT!
    .-= LB @Wait, She Said What?´s last blog ..We should all stick a tea pot up our nose. Apparently. =-.

  64. I will never eat a burger the same way again.

    That gives new meaning to the term, “Furburgers”.
    .-= Ed Adams´s last blog ..Friday Bonus =-.

  65. You, my dear, are a national treasure.

    Which is probably why our economy is in the dumper, I guess…

  66. You are AWESOME! Fantastic post and have a great time.

  67. Really, the only thing you need to know is “mo-mo-no nee-koo nay.” Direct translation, “nice peach meat.” Peach meat = the ole beehind.

  68. Consider yourself sued. Because you’re awesome.
    .-= Michael´s last blog ..Suck It Up =-.

  69. Ohhhh. Where to begin?

    I lived in Taiwan a MILLION years ago and actually did learn some Chinese. Not that this will help you. But I can still remember how to say VERY useful things like “Your NOSE is SO big!” and “Her hair . . . do you think it’s real?”

    New subject: A THOUSAND years ago I lived in Buenos Aires and one night we discovered that at 11:00 p.m. the Tango Channel and the Farm Report Channel (I’m totally NOT making this up) switched to HARD CORN PORN. For weeks, neither of us slept but spent hours switching back and forth between the two channels. What we learned:

    German porn stars . . . the men . . . have really little penises. Like, with the sound off, I can tell if it’s a German production.

    The French don’t seem to understand the concept of lubricant and like to storm the gates, as it were, while she’s bent over the rail on top of some totally cool looking chateau. But outside, on top of some chateau, with one high heeled foot up on the railing and some sweaty French guy ramming the lower end of my alimentary canal is not MY idea of fun. As the pros all say, if you wanna go there . . . Communication, Lubrication, Relaxation.

    The Americans all look happy and healthy and like they are having fun. Except for Ron Jeremy who is too hairy for words. But smart and funny, and I totally want to sit next to him at the dinner party.

    The Japanese. Sigh. You better sit down. Those people have weird ideas about sex. Foreplay? He hides behind the door and jumps out. AH! HA! Scared her! Bet she’s ready for sex now! And her! She has to dress like a catholic school girl in a plaid skirt and white knee socks and look like she’s on the verge of tears the entire time. Unless she’s doing it in the back of a taxi while they drive madly around Greater Tokyo.

    Good luck. I expect a full report!
    .-= TheExpatresse´s last blog ..You Can Lead a Whore to Culture . . . =-.

  70. That’s HARD CORE porn. Not HARD CORN porn.

    Forgive me. I grew up in Ohio where corn holing is a family friendly sport and not code for anything.

  71. I was in Japan recently. Well, really just the Tokyo airport. I didn’t see any prostitutes (that I’m aware of) or naked people with food on them.

    The best thing about Japan? Giant bottles of liquor with Japanese labels. AT THE DUTY FREE SHOPS! Stock up for your alone day and so that you’ll be drunk for reals when the cab driver has to look at your tattoo to figure out where to bring you. They also make great souvenirs. The liquor bottles, not the cab drivers.
    .-= mommica´s last blog ..Playing Catch Up =-.

  72. Mmmm, food and naked hot chicks, what’s not to love?
    .-= Mr Farty´s last blog ..The Other Love Of My Life =-.

  73. I want to drink with you. So if you’re ever in Dallas, you can totally crash at my place. I’ll kick DF out for the evening so we can drink and take pictures of ourselves naked but covered in food. I’m thinking spaghetti would be awesome.
    .-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Grey’s Anatomy S6ep7 =-.

  74. since they have that whole “fake see through skirt” fad going on over there ( http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/skirts.asp ) You should TOTALLY just walk around in underwear and be like..what? this is my skirt…if anyone could get away with it…its you
    .-= JessieGinAZ´s last blog ..Menu Plan Monday =-.

  75. So…. It occurred to me that with the joining of hamburgers and the threat of being burgled while you are away has *totally* alerted The Hamburglar. Tell your dad to mount his bear and prepare for the final showdown at your house. It’s going to be an apocalyptic convergence of good versus evil with the winner eating hamburgers off you for life. Except that it’s your dad and that’s gross and weird, so maybe he’ll defer the prize to the bear he mounted. And would The Hamburglar even *eat* a hamburger? Wouldn’t that be like cannibalism? Maybe he’ll defer the prize to Grimace…. Oh well. Any way it ends up it gets pretty freaky. I guess just stay in Japan. That’d probably be safest.

  76. I’m actually totally weirded out by the whole eating off naked chicks thing that seems to be popular. I mean America’s Next Top Model had it one that’s how I know. I haven’t ever been somewhere that’s actually had a sushi or Le Big Mac or Le Dollar Menu ala McDonald’s, so it’s not like I reallly have first hand knowledge about it. Of course now that I’ve explained that much I’m probably seeming like I’m just covering my tracks, which might be true. Because those Dollar Hamburgers you’re sportin’ look mighty fine giiiiirl ;)
    .-= beth aka confusedhomemaker´s last blog ..Images of Fall =-.

  77. Didn’t you get a little burned with all those hot french fries on you? Or were they cold by the time you got them home? Or did you take the pictures on the floor of the McDonald’s bathroom? Because I think the McDonald’s in my neighborhood has a floor or wallpaper with that same Chinese/Japanese pattern.
    .-= feefifoto´s last blog ..What’s your Favorite November Holiday? No Fair Choosing Thanksgiving =-.

  78. Have a great trip and I could totally be your German translator (from the previous post, not from this one). The Sushi restaurants are totally insane. You’d make a terrific plate.

  79. Since when do you moderate your comments? Not that I’m upset, cuz hey, your blog. Ok. I’m sorry. Auf Wierdersehn!! Told you I could be your German translator. Again from the previous post, not this one.
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Leaving Footprints #1 =-.

  80. OMG I am not sure what links I followed to get here but I am sooo glad I did!!
    Awesome writing and I am sure I will be back.
    Steff

  81. Brilliant. But be totally careful in Japan.When I went to Germany, I totally got locked in a bathroom. And no one could help get me out. Cause they totally didn’t speak English and I didn’t speak German. I was all, how come my boyfriend didn’t come in here to rescue me. There are totally other dudes in here. Oh and I couldn’t even crawl under the door, the damn thing went from floor to ceiling.

    Did I mention the reason I got locked in was because you had to pay to use the public bathrooms there. Fuckers
    .-= The Bare Essentials Today´s last blog ..Me…in the raw =-.

  82. Whatever you do, make sure you have a little card that says “Don’t Feed My Lemur” Dude, you’re gonna need this one. Trust me.
    .-= dubiousMa´s last blog ..When Good Snark Goes Bad =-.

  83. Victor deals weapons in Japan and can get Japanese folks to “do him a favor” just by asking? I’m pretty sure he’s Yakuza. Just say, “I’m with Victor” and they’ll give you anything you point at.

  84. I tried this pose with deli ham and no one laughed. Bail was surprisingly low though.

    I’ll be on the lookout for Japanese films so that I can do a follow-up to the German mockery I uploaded for you today…even though you skipped out to Japan soon after. Travel safe and bring us some blog fodder!
    .-= Greg – Telling Dad´s last blog ..Princess Bloggess =-.

  85. See, if my husband walked in and saw me covered in cheeseburgers he’d be all “FINALLY!”.
    .-= Miss Yvonne´s last blog ..Mr. Dr. Professor Sexy – Now With More Drunk Comments! =-.

  86. You rule. Seriously. I know about 4 people that make me laugh out loud. Not LOL, because that acronym doesn’t explain the spittle flying phlegm producing hacking chortles that emerge from my belly arena (I thought about going with “area” but “arena” came out instead. So technically speaking, my belly IS it’s own arena. I like it. It stays). Thanks for making me laugh today. I think the sound of it scared the tigers out of Japan. I might have just negated your need for that specific translation. You’re welcome. :)
    .-= Monica´s last blog ..Truth, Thy Name is The Woman =-.

  87. 89
    That One Guy

    The reason for Mr. Lunt’s passionate signing has never been and clearer!

    Oh, and Beth – don’t sweat the Twitter thing. It’ll molest you! I think I saw that somewhere anyway.

  88. This doesn’t really help with your sex column (I don’t *think*) but apparently the world’s second biggest aquarium is in Japan. I was watching a video with my son of this gorgeous aquarium and found out that the scene I was watching was filmed in one of their restaurants. http://www.kaiyouhaku.com/en/oceanblue.html

    Like this huge, amazing coolest thing I’ve ever seen is only good enough for people to look at while their eating. So then I thought, “Man I love eating and that aquarium is awesome, I should totally got to Japan.” But my husband doesn’t collect samurai swords unfortunately so I figure I’ll pass the tip onto you in case you get hungry nearby and want to look at some fish, and by fish I mean like sharks and stuff.

    Hope you have a great time in Japan!
    .-= Jen E @ mommablogsalot´s last blog ..Aloha Friday: Favorite Childhood TV Shows =-.

  89. have fun in japan. i’d be fucked too. except that i like sushi.
    .-= melissa´s last blog ..The One Where I Admit I May Be A Tad Bit Jealous Of The Ex-Wife. Keyword Is Tad. =-.

  90. I was so entranced with the thought of yummy burgers, I didn’t even notice the carefully placed peppermints. Or maybe I was just trying not to stare at your “breasts.” Or maybe I was totally starting at your breasts, but now I am playing it cool?

    I am hungry.
    .-= Dani´s last blog ..Is That a Long Tube of Cotton Sticking Out of Your Ear? =-.

  91. Japan was made for you! First of all everyone will bow when greeting you _like_you_are_already_a_princess! Even after you buy something at the grocery store. Secondly streetside vending machines sell sake and beer! No loud bars, no carding necessary to get drunk in public. Often they are sitting right next to a vending machine that sells soda. Strange but true. Thirdly. Pocari Sweat is a sports drink. Not a can of sweat. Also a Go Girl might help you out if you’re staying at a place with a traditional Japanese toilet if your aim is off. Just a friendly word of warning…
    .-= Condo Blues´s last blog ..Decorate Your Pumpkins with Stencils! =-.

  92. there are some fertility shrines outside of Nagoya. Giant (15 feet!) genitalia. That would give you something to write about :-) (you can read about it here: http://www.neilhogan.com/japan/tagatajinja.html ).

  93. Lose Victor in Japan and come back and be mine. It’s just an idea…. Hi, Victor!
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..I Admit It’s a Strange Fascination =-.

  94. Have I ever mentioned how much I Love reading your rants and ravings? I was reading along, giggling, thinking, “You know, I’ll just bet she DID put cheeseburgers on herself. That silly girl, I wonder if she put the pics…Ah. Yes. There she is, covered in McD’s.” And then I was all “Oooh! Fries.” Which distracted me so much that I forgot what I was going to write about other then Have a fun trip! And by trip I mean “vacation” unless you find some good Japanese LSD and then, by all means, have a GOOD trip.

    Get ready, Japan.
    .-= tracey´s last blog ..T Minus 56 days and counting… =-.

  95. Dude. You’re a riot. Found you via Telling Dad.

    And if it makes you feel better, I can’t speak Japanese either. I took two weeks of it in college and all that happened was I wound up rocking back in the forth in the corner of my dorm room muttering to myself in a language I didn’t understand. GOOD LUCK though. Can’t wait to hear about the trip. And really, don’t buy the monkey.
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..Weirdness =-.

  96. Oh PICK ME PICK ME! I’d be a totally bad ass Japanese handler. Ok, technically I’m Chinese but us and the Japs, we’re real tight. I’ve even been to Tokyo once when I was like twelve, so I’ve got the whole experience part covered. Also, I don’t speak Japanese, but I can say sue me, I’m awesome in Mandarin, which goes “gao wo ba wo tai bang le”. Trust me, that sounds way cooler.
    PS I will be bringing along my Hattori Hanzo, so you’ll be *safe*.
    .-= Daphne´s last blog ..If you’re all happy clappy today, you should just come back tomorrow. =-.

  97. No wonder you are so awesome – half-Bohemian! Who knew?
    Maybe you could get a restaurant in the Czech Republic to sponsor you for a trip there if you took a picture of yourself with strategically placed kolacky? Just thinking…

  98. It’s official, you need your own reality TV show!
    .-= Sarcastica´s last blog ..I’m In The Mood To Rant =-.

  99. First of all, you’re not fat and all of those burgers make you look even thinner than usual. Also, please take video if Godzilla attacks, kind of like in Cloverfield. I hear the signs in Japan are awesome and that people wear wooden shoes and everyone bows a lot. Please report back.
    .-= Whitney´s last blog ..Interview with The Bloggess =-.

  100. 102
    Erick Ocampo

    Fuck you…

  101. I try not to play favorites with your posts but this one….. oh, this one is tempting. It is so awesome.
    .-= Jessica´s last blog ..Practicing What I Preach =-.

  102. The thing is, if they write the address in japanese symbology on your arm there’s a possibility of you looking like one of those non-Asian people who get asian character tattoos. But then the practicality of that is awesome.
    Maybe get them to write sue-me-monsoon on the other arm?

    And then while you’re on your way back to the hotel you can totally do the Wonder Woman dance because both quotes apply!!

    P.S. Do you classify your burger-serving outfit as a Halloween outfit for today? I vote, Yes.
    .-= Leesh´s last blog ..Manty Liners? (Mennified Products Part II) =-.

  103. You should totally go to a host bar! And by the way, if you find your way to kidnapping me a few of the hosts (only six or so, I’m not greedy) then I will totally make you Queen of Germany, which would be so much better than being a princess, because you would get to order that brat around, saving you the trouble of finding an intern as well! You could be like the evil stepmother! And we know that always turns out well…

  104. You are fucking awesome. That’s all I have.. sad.

  105. Can’t wait to hear ’bout your adventures in Japan!!

  106. Whoa whoa whoa…HOLD THE PHONE.

    “Sue – me – mah – sen” means ‘I’m sorry?’

    Shit.

    I feel really stupid now aplogizing to Asians all these years with ‘so solly.’

    Mr. Magoo…how could you be SO WRONG?
    .-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Motivational Filler – Sexy Halloween Costume =-.

  107. you don’t have to go to japan to get naked and have people eat sushi off you, we do it right here in denver. then you do have to say so sue me im awesome.
    .-= dina´s last blog ..Cleansing Body and Mind with Grapefruit Essential Oil =-.

  108. So, I decided to download a voice Russian translator. But, I was trying to yell at my cat in Russian and it wouldn’t translate it. It only translates like every other phrase, so the iPhone ended up just yelling at her in English in a weird voice.
    .-= Whitney´s last blog ..Interview with The Bloggess =-.

  109. I know it’s unlikely, but I can’t wait to talk to my friend in Tokyo after this weekend in the event that she tells me about this weird tourist who kept telling her “I don’t want to buy your monkey” in badly accented Japanese.

  110. 113
    Karen Aptekar

    Laughed till I cried . Photos were perfect ! Have a great time in Japan & come back soon !

  111. 114
    Someone Else

    I can’t believe no one has said this yet, so I will. My apologies in advance for the crassness.

    I can has cheezburger?

  112. Someone probably mentioned this, but if you would have went with Burger King Whoppers, they have HUGE buns you would have looked like an American Model that needed to eat a cheeseburger.

    Have a good trip and remember we have been at peace with Japan since WWII, so don’t go there and bring up that whole nuclear bombing thing and start the war back up again.

  113. If it’s any consolation, I Googled Godzilla, and you were absolutely right the first time, Godzilla WAS, indeed, born in Japan :) Furthermore, nice set of burgers you’ve got there :)
    .-= Jon Pear (a.k.a. NeuroAster)´s last blog ..pervasive developmental poem, not otherwise specified =-.

  114. Ok..I know you are busy today all with the BAD ASS David Bowie Labyrinth costume & freaking out about japan…..but do you think maybe you can bring me back a Ninja sword of some kind..for reals….I mean It I am SO LIGIT….I will pay for shipping…..or if later you want to meet in person & check my Ninja credentials…or just my ID & last few account statements do you think Victor can set up some connections to hook one up for me??
    I inherited a machete from my grandfather & he had a son, 2 son-in-laws & 2 grandsons….so does that count as an application????
    Ok….I will try to leave you alone….
    Um….i am not going to kid you…..Japan IS confusing….& I LOVE languages….but that is not a language that is hierogliphics & I think no one really knows what they are saying they just bow politely & pretend everyone got it….but we all know it is a scheme & it is a fake language and they have fooled the whole world….even Victor…..they have him saying Juuuzzeee…..just so they can laugh at him…..
    Whatever you say just bow and say that ‘sue me I’m awesome’ thing & they will be like she understands this better than that guy with her who is really trying to learn those fake words we sent out to the rest of the world to see who would fall for it….
    Ok…Ninja Sword & the world is our Oyster…..
    .-= Agent DragonFly´s last blog ..911 Prompt Dream =-.

  115. 118
    BiPedBedHead

    I feel so sorry for Japan.
    I’m not religious but I think I should pray for them.

    They’re gonna need it.

  116. 119
    The Original Lisa

    I think there is about a 2% chance of you coming back home. I’ll miss you. Can I have the dollhouse?…..too soon? Sue me. I’m awesome.

  117. You made this up. No one is allergic to juice. That’s just crazy.
    .-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..If you saw this, would you hire me? =-.

  118. 121
    Chibi hoshi

    I’d really like to hear you speak frenrman.

    And you should totally go to a maid cafe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maid_cafe .

  119. Have fun. I’m totally jealous. The closest I’m getting to Japan is noodles at the Japanese market by me and the Pocky in my pantry.
    I only know Kawaii, which means culture of cute. And Samuri. Beyond that, I have no clue. I’m usually guessing when trying to cook the stuff I pick up when at the Japanese supermarket.
    Also, when my parents went to Austria and France, everyone wanted to practice English on them so the phrase books became coasters. Hopefully, everyone in the sex industry you have to talk to will want to practice their english on you
    .-= Jennifer A´s last blog ..Should tattoo on my forehead I’m a total sucker for my kids =-.

  120. You look gorgeous, cheeseburger or sushi. You know, you just gave the “I Can Has Cheezburger?” craze a whole new meaning. I’ve had too much rum cider to be witty. I will just come right out and say, I wuv u, gorgeous. By the way, do you mind sharing the name of the person that waxed your armpits? You are like hairless there…
    .-= submom´s last blog ..Got Pigtail? Ugh. Halloween Costume Conundrum =-.

  121. Are-ree-gah-tow-go-zye-mahs for bringing the funny, Bloggess.
    .-= BOSSY´s last blog ..Bossy’s Favorite Things =-.

  122. Love hotels. Drive thru places where you pay to park, get curtains around your car, screw with someone, and drive away again. The places where naked ladies will wash you. The alleys of Beppu and the advertisements you see there. Sex sex sex!

  123. Oh my, this was hilarious.
    .-= Lea White´s last blog ..Twilight =-.

  124. it just dawned on me that you can victor are a modern day lucy and ricky ricardo. can’t wait to see how japan is affected by your visit :) also, did you mom put the fear of telling anyone when you were traveling b/c if you did they would rush to rob your house? mine did.
    .-= leah´s last blog ..stuff =-.

  125. WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Konnichi WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Hung Goa Shing Ren Sri Ni!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    WhooBISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    .-= Gabrielle Valentine´s last blog ..Anger Management =-.

  126. Now that I’ve decided to quit the social networking scene for a few weeks and read only blogs and actual news–got traumatized by treacle and exclamation points on facebook–I have more time to read the Bloggess. Glad you’re here; grateful for the laughs.
    .-= leolabeth´s last blog ..Hiatus =-.

  127. I am totally jealous. And I am still stuck on the fact that Victor buys and sells samurai swords. Things are really starting to fall into place for me now.
    .-= Momish´s last blog ..Trick Or Treat =-.

  128. I very rarely am really laughing out loud when I type LOL but seriously, that shit is funny. When I went to Israel as a teenager, my mom taught me to say “do you have a cigarette?” in Hebrew because it was the only Hebrew phrase she knew. Later, I realized she had really taught me to say, “Do you have a joint?” HA HA HA HA. Oops.
    .-= Nancy´s last blog ..Metatext. (1704) =-.

  129. I think you need to go on one of those japanese game shows where they smell your feet and try to match it to your shoes. And stay in one of those hotels that just have little sleeping pods. And go to one of those executive rehabilitation things like in that movie Gung Ho where they make them wear diapers and emasculate them. Basically whatever I’ve seen on tv about what they do. I’ll send you a list. Also, I’m not sure you need to know how to say anything more than “juice” wherever you travel. 3 year olds seem to get by. Plus, they get delicious juice all the time. That’s the way I’d want to do Japan. Oh, and I’d like to thank your sponsor for giving you money because if at the end of this, if several japanese men have sniffed your feet, I’m a customer for life.
    .-= MayoPie´s last blog ..Sometimes kids can be real assholes =-.

  130. Until now, I didn’t think I could eat half a dozen hamburgers in one sitting. ;-)

  131. You think the hamburgers are tiny? You haven’t tried sushi yet!!!

    Good luck on the trip!
    .-= Suzanne´s last blog ..Do you know… =-.

  132. First time to read your blog. Thanks to mashable for doing a feature on you. They are right. You are one funny gal! :-)
    .-= Ladyhawke´s last blog ..Time heals =-.

  133. Wait’ll you take your first dump in Japan. The toilets (not the Japanese-style toilets, but the hyper-moden Western ones that wash your ass and then blow-dry it) are amazing!

    Nihon-no te-arai wa dai-suki desu! Japanese toilets are the best!
    .-= Elisson´s last blog ..FALLING BACK =-.

  134. One of my closest friends taught English to Japanese business men, and she’d tell them things like “I farted” was the English response when someone asks “how are you?”. So, maybe you can do that when someone in Japan asks you to teach them some English. But, don’t try to learn Japanese over there b/c I’m pretty sure they’ll teach you to say “I just peed my pants” instead of “please call me a taxi”.
    .-= Fairly Odd Mother´s last blog ..Got candy? Here’s how to get rid of it =-.

  135. Domo Arigato!

    You filled my laughter tank.

    It was pushed to overflowing by the comment from “Someone Else.”
    .-= Lori Hoeck´s last blog ..Vigilance, it’s a 24-7 thing =-.

  136. In Florida reading you on a tiny laptop – read this then got an email about the Japanese National Penis Day. Think you might have just missed it but – here is the start of the path to enlightenment. Strange culture..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNcr_SOqwt4

  137. So… totally hilarious fact… I am in the middle of my nightmarish 5 hour layover in Tokyo right now. You couldn’t have had better timing!

    Things to watch out for….
    – All wearing masks… scared of cooties I guess
    – Hole for a toilet in the floor… bad things happen there
    – And super awesome super soaker bidets… don’t ask me how I know. (Let’s just say a large percentage of my lay over has been spent in the bathroom)

    I think that’s about it. Now I am off to say, “So sue me. I’m awesome,” as many times as possible!

    Oh, and if you want real prostitute stories… your next stop should be the Philippines! :)
    .-= The Undomesticated Housewife´s last blog ..King of the Jungle =-.

  138. I’m a vegetarian, but you make hamburgers look quite appetizing.
    .-= Makya´s last blog ..And Now For Something Completely Different =-.

  139. I have never liked sushi… But I would totally eat it off of you. Have fun in Japan. Try not to start WWIII.

  140. Omg… you totally went to ASU and so did I! Where else can you get yelled at by your German French professor?

  141. 144
    Esther Avery

    I just got kicked out of a meeting.

  142. I had something witty yet helpful to say but then I got to the pictures and the laughter blanked out everything else.
    .-= Kendall´s last blog ..If Only “Wax On, Wax Off” Worked On Self-Doubt =-.

  143. “Victor: No. Sue-me ma-sen.

    me: Sue me I’m awesome.

    Victor: No. Not even close”

    LMAO!!!! Yes, indeed you need to be sued for being too fricken awesome. I love the pictures! Damn, now I want to go have some cheeseburger and fries!
    .-= Violet´s last blog ..Life’s Curve Balls =-.

  144. OMG are you gone already? I wish I had read this sooner. All I’m going to say is BEWARE OF THE HORNETS! they kill at least a thousand people a year, but first they spray acid in your eyes! I hope you make it back safely.

  145. No wonder Twitter seemed quiet this morning. You are probably on your way/have arrived in Japan. Your “The Bloggess does Japan” banner is so beautiful, I hope you’re taking cards with that image to pass out to your fans. Just remember the Japanese are very polite, so bow a lot, and don’t forget to buy some pearls!

  146. Mo da-meh. Yoh-para-chatta. Go-men Ara! Onara suru tsu-mori datta keh-do, un-chi ga de-chatta

    I think this roughly means NO thank you she already got me too drunk and oops I pooped my pants.
    .-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..My Broken Goul =-.

  147. If it’s any comfort to you, the only thing that my husband knows how to say in Italian is “your eyes are the color of my Ferrari” and the only thing I know how to say in Chinese is “you’re dog shit” and my sister went to Brazil having learned only one phrase out of her guidebook, namely “please remove your trousers and underpants” (from the going-to-the-doctor section) which came in handy when she didn’t have a proper visa and got pulled aside by the Brazilians.

  148. Victor is probably right about the sumimasen thing. It’s pretty much a very useful phrase. The Japanese will forgive most foreigners just about anything as long as they can say excuse me (sumimasen).

    My company once lost me in the middle of Tokyo, and I have to admit that kind of sucked in a terrifying way, because I only had the equivalent of $150 and a train ticket I couldn’t read. But as it turned out, the Japanese really do have an immense sense of civic responsibility, and a whole team of them managed to help me get from one train station to another train station (via a subway line) and back onto the train that I had a ticket for. I just kept showing them the ticket and pointing to the phrase “I’m lost” in my phrase book. It turned out okay in the end.

    Good luck. Buy plastic food. If you get a chance to go to an okonomiyaki restaurant, definitely go. I think you are going to come back with some hysterical column material. (The whole year I lived in Japan my underpants kept getting stolen when I hung them out to dry, which led me to believe that some Japanese men have some intense underwear fetishes. Well, I guess not the whole year. Just until I figured out that I shouldn’t hang them out to dry outside.)
    .-= Lawmommy´s last blog ..You Knock Me Off of My Feet* =-.

  149. The only thing I know about Japan is what I learned by watching “Big Bird In Japan,” not to be confused with “Big Bird DOES Japan,” which I’m not sure actually exists, but if it did, I’m sure would be awesome. ANYWAY, the only thing I know about Japan is what I learned by watching “Big Bird IN Japan,” and that is that Japan is fucking terrifying because you WILL get lost and find yourself surrounded by all these scary ass cloaked figures in MASKS just like that really bad acid trip and then you will lose you dog and no one will understand what you’re saying because you’re a giant yellow bird and Sesame Street did NOT do a good job of sparking in interest in foreign cultures with this one because I’m still afraid of Asians TO THIS VERY DAY. So way to go, Jim Henson. You’ve ruined Japan for me forever.
    .-= Bridget´s last blog ..Mac’s Love Letter to Chase Utley =-.

  150. Ugh You crack me up… I just got out of my workout and all that laughing made me work my abs.

  151. UGH TOO FUNNY!
    .-= Cynthia A.´s last blog ..Time Change… =-.

  152. You know, I bet Victor is one of those doods that when you go shopping with him you see a Hello Kitty picture and you’re all, “OMG! I totally love that picture of Hello Kitty!” and he’s all, “Did I tell you that I have totally been to Japan?” and you’re all, “Yes, you have mentioned it only about a bazillion times” and he’s says, “Well, it totally makes me better than you….you know, because I”VE BEEN TO JAPAN” and you just wanna say, “Shut up”
    .-= Stephanie´s last blog ..Monday, Monday =-.

  153. When you get to japan, people will look at you, see you are white and assume you don’t speak a word of japanese.
    Just smile and bow, that will be enough to get you by. When the need comes along, point (ie. to food or map) – the Japanese people are so polite they will pretend to understand what you want and help out.
    There are signs in english everywhere, so dont worry about getting lost – wont happen.
    So jealous – have fun. I’ll be resenting you from my crappy office. :)

  154. Found you through Frogpondsrock. Hi.

    “..sells samurai swords.” Awesome. Does he sell miniature swords? Because none of my kitchen knives ever seem to be sharp enough…..

  155. You are so funny.

  156. Um, hello! Naked hot chick with burgers? What is Victor’s problem??? Most men would be lining up at the door for that kind of stuff. You hear that Victor? Naked women with burgers are HOT.

    Sheesh.
    .-= Jen´s last blog ..Why Going out in Costume the Day After Halloween is Always a Good Idea =-.

  157. Baaaahahaha!! The first thing I thought when I read you were going to Japan was “Holy Shit. This girl is crazy. Doesn’t she know what happens in Japan?!?” And then I realized that I don’t know what happens in Japan but I am still scared of it.

    Good luck!
    .-= Nel´s last blog ..Don’t worry, I’m still pregnant! =-.

  158. Domo Arigato means “thank you very much!”

  159. Wowza! Glad to see the naked burger photos uncensored here in Dubai. It compensates -the Eden Fantasys link are all blocked. You should have hired me to take you around Japan because while I have a sense of pride in helping others, you can pay me so you don’t have to feel guilty or think I’m working for the Yakuza. :-)

    Enjoy Japan!! What’s next after burgers? Yakisoba or ramen all over? Or you’re too hot that you can actually do yakiniku grilling on you? Awesome!
    .-= Grace @ Sandier Pastures´s last blog ..Hair today, gone tomorrow and blue skies =-.

  160. Dude, you totally made me blow my cover. I was giggling maniacally at the Hitler video when a patient showed up and instead of being all “Hi, Susan, how are you feeling today?” I was all “OMG!! I just found the funniest blog! She writes a sex advice column – well sort of – it’s a joke – and she challenged the German princess to a cage match cuz she stole her curler look and …”

    Blank stare.

    “Well, you should read it. She’s really funny. Really.”

    So much for being all professional and shit.
    .-= Sharon Rose´s last blog ..Whoops =-.

  161. Per usual, I’m cracking up and laughing so loud I woke up the kids. Your gift with dialogue is amazing! I’m still wiping the tears from my eyes!
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Why Can’t I Let It Be? =-.

  162. Ok, ok. You’re awesome. Obviously. Which is why when I got an “award” and had to give it away I chose your blog (plus like, 10 others…but you’re the cutest, I swear) to give it to. Come on over any time to pick it up.

    Japan rules.
    .-= sandyb´s last blog ..And the award goes to… =-.

  163. Go ahead and wipe “Mo da-meh. Yoh-para-chatta. Go-men.” right outta your head. Just taking up space, that one.
    .-= Joey´s last blog ..Not dead, just look/feel like it =-.

  164. JAPAN ROCKS!
    Don’t worry about the Japanese…I went there without speaking a word and still managed to get around fine! A lot of them speak English these days!

  165. If I were going to Japan with my husband, had i been married and/or female, I’d make me a brand new child there, just so I could say he was made in Japan.
    .-= Josh Almighty´s last blog ..The Pitch =-.

  166. Ara! Onara suru tsu-mori datta keh-do, un-chi ga de-chatta.

    Does this happen to you often, because if it does, I think you need medical attention. You know that this isn’t normal, right? Unless maybe you eat a shitload (oy, no pun intended but holy hell, I’m leaving it there, wouldn’t you??!!) of sushi, there is no reason for anal leakage to be a regular part of your day.

    Maybe it has something to do with where you keep your french fries?

  167. Excellent, love the lips and eye shadow.

    Ps- if you can’t eat cheeseburgers off your naked self and take pictures of it, what can you do in America? Really.

    Also, I think all your questions/comments/excuses/apologies to the Japanese are great. I don’t know what Victor meant when he said they didn’t make sense and couldn’t be used anywhere. Doesnt he think you COULD burn down one of their temples? You totally could!!
    .-= Tatyana´s last blog ..It’s Mostly Over =-.

  168. ok, my hubs would be in heaven if i was lying naked with cheeseburgers all over my body. Who says you can’t have it all! What is Victor’s issue with that? Sometimes he’s kind of hard to understand. Am I right?
    .-= Buggys´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.

  169. i’m drunk and i love you

  170. Laughing hysterically UNTIL the burgers. Because I’m a vegan, so you know — and because I JUST NOW watched Jonathan Safran Foer, author of *Eating Animals* interviewed on the Ellen Show and became EVEN MORE vegan (like just now). But, you can totally make up for it by eating maybe, like, NO meat in Japan — which is totally not hard to do, I hear.

    HAVE A GREAT TIME. And holy shit you’re funny! (as always, but had to be said – again)
    .-= Haley-O (Cheaty)´s last blog ..“Muhneh” and the Cheaty Halloween =-.

  171. You are TOO cool! Love this post.
    Can’t wait to read about your travels in Japan!
    I think Victor needs an urgent humour transplant!!
    Sayonara baby!
    .-= Sioneve´s last blog ..Snapshot 67 – Blurt =-.

  172. If Victor sells samurai swords he should totally give me one for our play “Guards! Guards!” except I’m not supposed to call it our play because it’s Terry Prattchett’s “Guards! Guards!” and I don’t want to write anything that would fuck up the staging rights partly because he seems completely talented and partly because Prattchett gives the royalties to Orangutang habitats and It would be totally wonderful to have you ask Victor for a samurai sword for some swedish girl who needs it to save apes in Borneo.
    Yeah, about that, I’m swedish by the way, so it might cost a buck to get it through customs… The thing is I need it to make a skinny blond girl look even more like Uma Thurman, and believe me, if she had that, she’d be a mere bright yellow lether catsuit from “Sue me, I’m awesome”. Or more exactly: “Wink and I’ll cut you to pieces.” Anyway, have a great time in Japan.
    .-= Andrea´s last blog ..Dan Brown del 2 =-.

  173. Um, I know you’re in Japan being awesome and all, but I kind of miss you. Is that weird? Awkward? Apologies.

  174. 177
    Slacker Mom

    Good God…..that was one of the funniest posts I’ve read in MONTHS. Thank you. Mother Of God, I’m still gigglin’ like a school girl~

  175. OMG, have you seen this??

    I don’t remember seeing anything about this in the blog here. It’s really kind of stalkerish.
    .-= LS´s last blog ..Low Doesn’t Even Describe It =-.

  176. […] you are still here, I am running out of ideas to entice you…  Fine.  Do I need to pull a The Bloggess (God, I miss that woman… wish she were not frolicking in Japan right now and were working […]

  177. I’m one of the last three people in the world without a twitter account, so I have to ‘retweet’ I think you call it? in your comments section.
    About the analyze words link you posted in your twitter: try william shatner! No really, talk about depression.
    We could all save up for his therapist!

  178. I love it. This reminds me of centuries past when I was a young gorgeous international model all lithe and gorgeous (and, I do mean gorgeous),,I went to Tokyo to work. My visa was for one month but they kicked me out after one week because I was too fat. Granted, I wasn’t as skinny as when I’d first met the agency’s scout in Milan, but it’s not like I’d eaten all the tourists deplaning at Narita or anything! Anyway, I had a chat w/ the agency owner:
    “So, Sue, you are a-leaving us?”
    “Yes, I guess I’m too fat.”
    “Yes, yes…too fat. Japan is a good market for girls with, uhhh, what is the name…..anorexia.”
    “…..*blink*……..Yes, well, I have to go – I want to hit that Dennys I saw in Roppongi before I go! Thanks for everything!”.

    So, while you’re there, vomit on a skinny person for me, wouldja? Much obliged. (If anything, you’ll lose a TON of weight doing this…maybe I’ll even forward you my old agency’s info! They love the pukey girls)
    .-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..I hope he’s not lactose intolerant =-.

  179. Haha, you totally crack me up!
    .-= Devilish Southern Belle´s last blog ..Better late than never, right? =-.

  180. […] two: This morning Victor’s going to a sword show and I’m meeting a free tour guide, Chicako, who may or may not be part of the Yakuza.  Victor says she’s not but he’s going to take a picture of us together though just in […]

  181. bahahahaha. So freakin’ funny. Have an awesome time in Japan.

  182. […] and that everyone with basic internet access knows my  phobias,  my weaknesses and has seen me in various states of undress.  I’m not the dark, brooding girl shrouded in mystery and I’ll never be […]

  183. Okay, I know this is totally after the fact and I have no idea if you even get notified when comments are written on posts this far back, but Japanese people do give out free tours, with no catch involved as far as I can tell.

    Back in 2002, I went to visit my friend Jeff in Japan (i.e. visit Japan and incidentally visit him instead of having to pay for a hotel) and when we went to Matsue Castle, this random Japanese woman who was standing like a guard in the entrance asked us if we wanted a free tour. Being suspicious Americans, we were all skeptical and wary, but we said yes and she gave us a kick-ass tour with all kinds of historical info. Totally for free and we still had all our wallets and stuff when we were done. Kick-ass, really nice lady. The Japanese (at least the ones like this lady) are awesome! If someone in America gave free tours out of a “sense of civic duty” I think they’d probably get reported to police for either loitering or for being a potential thief and/or scammer.

    Side note: you may already know about this book and it’s a bit late anyways for you to need it unless you go back to Japan with Victor or he gets a sex change surgery before his next trip to Japan but “Being a Broad in Japan” is an excellent western woman’s guide to Japan. :)

    -Jen

    Jennifer recently posted Birthweek 2010- Day the Sixth.

  184. […]  I found the hamburger pictures.  You don’t have to look at them though.  They’re really more for the maid, who […]

  185. Ok, so basically, you’re my hero. Two months ago I couldn’t find a “follow me” button on your blog so I FUCKING GOOGLED YOUR ASS AND FOUND YOU ON NETWORKED whatever it is. I’m drunk. ANYwho, you are fucking hysterical. I’m saying fuck so much because I can’t use it on my blog. My 11 year old daughter AND MY MOTHER read my blog. So I’m stuck saying things like “F*ck THAT!” or “What a f*cking B*TCH!!!” Like my daughter and my mom don’t know what I wanted to say. So I say….fuck fuck fuckety-fuck. Oh, I just remembered. Networked BLOGS. That’s where I found you. So this was super funny and I wish I could write about the time I sneezed and a poop came out and I yelled to my friend Carla, “Hey! I just sneezed and a POOP came out!” and then she said “Oh! You mean out of your BUTT!” Because she initially thought it came out of my nose. Which is just gross. I forgot what I was going to say.

    You crack my shit up. I’m probably going to write a post in the next few days called “So, I drunk commented TheBloggess. She says that now we’re BESTIES!”

    FYI.

    yvonne@attracted to shiny things recently posted Cheating Isnt Nice- Artie-Fartie Or- I Was SUCH A Btch In Kindergarten.

  186. I’m just now reading this since it redirected from the Wheaton post. Great hamburger pics! The whole language thing reminds me of my misspent youth trying to learn Spanish & then French. I had a really nice, funny Spanish teacher in junior high & loved it so I signed up for a bunch of Spanish courses in high school but the Spanish teacher there was really mean & referred to me by my last name in Spanish, which is Milagro & I hated the sound of it. Anyway after that torture in my senior year when I was trying to take it easy I heard that my Spanish teacher from junior high was now working as the French teacher at my high school so I took his class. The thing is that in the interim he had a stroke & didn’t remember me (or anyone else) at all so sometimes when I was on the spot to recite things in French I would accidentally say it in Spanish because I was looking at my original Spanish teacher. Once I recited the first 20 numbers in French & then the rest in Spanish. I just switched partway through. But the guy had no idea why I was accidentally doing that because he didn’t know who I was.

    Mary recently posted Post-Production Musical Backing- How Do You Write a Joe Schermann Song.

  187. I cannot get enough of your blogs. I also cannot believe I’ve only just discovered you (well, 5 days ago actually, but I spend hours reading your past entries and intend on doing so until I’ve read them all).
    I love your writing style, and I love how much you make me laugh out loud!
    I’m new to blogging myself – took ages to get out of my shell (just 2 months and 9 entries into it). And you TOTALLY inspire me!
    So, thanks!

  188. If you ever get back to Japan, please email me first. I know a guy there who works in the Japanese porn industry making fake cum for bukkake videos. If anyone could get you pictured up covered in sushi, he could. Or possibly something even more interesting. He DOES make fake cum for a living, after all.

  189. You. Are. Awesome. I almost peed my pants reading this out loud (yes, it’s long) to my husband.

    I am totally suing you.

    Kristin recently posted We’re giving away another Kindle? No way! YES way!.

  190. 194
    Lady Penelope

    Haha! When I was in Japan all I could remember was “don’t touch my moustache” which was supposed to be a way of remembering ‘hajimemashite’ (how are you) and whether I had an “itchy knee” if I wanted ‘one’ or ‘two’ of something.

    What I learned;
    1. They have vending machines that sell alcohol, which is pretty social of them
    2. The coffee sucks – if you can even find it
    3. Where is all the bread in that country? Something I didn’t learn. If you find out, pass it on.
    4. They were super nice and friendly and all wanted to practise their English – so memorising Japanese phrases
    were not essential. Phew!

  191. As always, I stand in awe at your brilliance and wit. If I had a roomie, I would totally make them take a pic of me nude except for bowls of cereal. (Ab workout at same time trying to balance.)

    Have loads of fun in Japan!

    Alicea recently posted Yep, epically bad idea.

  192. IIRC, Nikon IS a Japanese company; so trying to sell them on the idea of Japanase prostitutes likely elicited a response of:

    “????????????????????????????????????????????????????????”

    mousebert recently posted A thought for the day.

  193. Well, that Japanese didn’t work out well at all.

    English translation: Hey, stupid are Americans trying to get us to pay her for the things we already know here.

    mousebert recently posted A thought for the day.

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