UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

in everything in the country wants to kill you, Giant metal chickens are everywhere, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.

Proof:

He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.
The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."
Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.

Obviously.

UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,595 thoughts on “UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. In the spirit of picking a name after a singer I kindof like and kindof want to throw off a cliff… I would name the chicken Xtina

  4. Crap, this is too funny. I think I about peed my pants sitting here in ice frozen NE Iowa..

    Name the chicken…
    Jay-Z…

    Can I get a what what
    To these chickens from all of my doves
    Who don’t love those, they get no dough..

    can I get a woop woop

    good GOD i love Jay-Z…

  5. My friend NEEDS this. This, this chicken? This is his dream. I can’t assure you of what he would name this delightful creature – possibly Solange? However, I think I would name him Grover . . . or Cleveland . . . GROVER CLEVELAND.
    Because that is the best name any of our Presidents have ever had.
    Or maybe I’d just name him Grodsters.
    Either way, don’t you wanna make a young man’s simple, heartfelt dreams come true? To own a metal chicken, he can place in his home and tell others made up tall tales about for years to come?
    Help a boy’s dreams come true. Send me (or my friend) this chicken.
    You won’t regret it.

  6. Um… Sir Henry Slicealot obvi. 🙂 I feel like I must win this rooster too as I was at a flea market and found a taxidermied hen with a bonnet on and had the same conversation with my husband about my need for a hen with a bonnet, except I lost. So Sir Henry would be lovely payback.

  7. well, i’m pretty sure this would kickstart my own metal chicken hoarding habit. but i think Attila the Hen would be very happy here, with or without a flock of his own.

  8. James K. Polk – after James Knox Polk, 11th president of the United States – who, from pictures, looks like he could peck the living bejeezus out of whatever needed peckin’. His family lived in the Duck river area – and he died of cholera, probably from drinking too much choca-chola – allegedly.

  12. I would name her Margaret for my parents pushy best friend who has made us play 12000 rounds of chicken and sends us chicken themed items all the time, including a chicken shaped pancake mold and an obnoxious ear splitting plastic chicken in a car she presented to my infant twins as a baby gift. I would put Margaret on my front porch on the post opposite my three little piggies, Hector, Vector and Maude and let Margaret guard my house from Lucy, the neighborhood cat. The real life Margaret would scare the shit out of Lucy and I have a feeling that Margaret would make a good scare-chicken.

  13. Oh I sooooo need a metal chicken! I see Barbu de Grubbe in my future…and my husband would get the towel comment immediately!

  15. I would name him RuPaul, because Beyonce got nuthin’ on him BITCHES!
    Love your blog!

  16. A suggestion from my husband: ‘You could name him Beyonce Little, because if you started down the blogess road of collecting it would be worse than the sky falling.’

  20. I would name the chicken Chester Molester. Not because he is a molester, but because it rhymes. Plus there was a Chets chicken shack in Minnesota where we would go eat when I was little and it was hilarious.

    Maybe you should ask the maker of the apartment sized chicken if he/she does internet orders or phone orders. Bet he could sell a bunch of them….

  24. Jenny, please, please, please pick me. Please. I already have an oil drum gekko AND an oil drum Christmas tree ornament. My collection will never be complete without this apartment-sized Beyonce. Please!!! P.S. I also have the gift of towel hoarding which is how I became aware of your blog. Just saying. (smiling, while one one knee begging)

  26. One of my coworkers and I just bought a Beyonce for another coworker’s birthday. It was pure delight seeing the excitement on her face when she saw it…and it made me a little jealous that I didn’t have one for myself. 🙂 And if I did, I’d name it Mister Britches. Because that’s totally irrelevant…and perfectly acceptable.

  28. Conversation between my husband and I
    me: I want that like really bad
    him: what the hell would you do with a giant metal chicken?
    me: its not giant its kitty sized and Id put him over there (points vaguely at a corner)
    him: you suck at coming up with a use for him. We arent buying that
    me: I just need to pick a good name and hes free
    him: you just need to pick a good use for him or you cant name him
    me: how about Kelly Rowland? the shorter destiny’s child?
    him: yeah but what would you do with him?
    me: ooooh I know he would protect our balcony from pigeons!
    him: there arent any pigeons in toronto, you could use him to sell your jewelry
    me: thats genius!
    him: (sigh) why am I helping you?
    me: because you love me duh
    He left the room after that, but I was also thinking I could use to cut people I dont like. Ill just carry him around Toronto, oooh Ill get him something with wheels so I can roll him around and people can pet him, and if I dont like them he will cut them and they will have to get a tetanus shot. Ill send pics from Toronto so Beyonce wont miss her friend while she pursues her solo career 😀 would you ship to Toronto?

  29. His name is obvs Guano. Yes, I know that is bat shit, but roosters (which he is because he’s a dude) have wings too and even though he can’t fly very far bats and roosters have to be somehow related. Plus Guano is a BADASS name.

  31. Once I received it, I will decide if it’s a girl or boy. If it’s a girl, her name will be Lucille Austero. If it’s a boy, Bingo Bob.

  36. I’d probably name him Aristotle. Then he could sit on my desk and be friends with Galileo, my camera, and Newton, my laptop. They would have philosophical, vaguely heretical conversations.

  38. I freaking love that you found a mini chic! Quick story … My two friends and I are obsessed with your blog and particularly beyonces! We even bought one for our friends bday in October! It was a mini chic as well and we wrapped her up in a box, went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant! Our friend opened the box to reveal a “knock knock motherfucker” sign and burst into hysterics. The chicken stayed perched on the table the rest of the evening everyone else at the table (15 other people) thought that the three of us were out of our gourds because we were crying bc we were laughing so hard! We would love an original beyonce from you, as it is another friends birthday iin our trio of beyonce lovers this Thursday!
    He should be named Jay-Z. ( my husband wanted to get a metal seagull and name him Jay-z inspired by your beyonce!)

  42. Love you, love your show. Long time reader, first time commenter…and obviously Cock a Cola is the correct name for this metal rooster friend. Cheers to you and yours!

  43. Sylvester McChicken McBean. Like Sylvester McMONKEY McBean from Dr. Seuss, but better. Because he’s not a monkey. And looks like a Sylvester. And I bet he will terrify the dog.

  53. My sister and I decided that I need a metal chicken since I have recently move to California from Texas, and I need somethings to irritate my husband 🙂 My sister said that she think’s Blue Cock, but I personally like Colonel Sanders 🙂

  57. That rooster is struttin’ his southern stuff – I would name him Colonel Sanders.

  61. There are already almost 1300 comments so this name may have already been chosen, but I’d name him Westley so I’d have another reason to say, “As you wish.”

    Also, I would love to have this because I’ve been telling all my friends that read your blog that I’m looking for a giant metal chicken for each and every one of them. If you sent me this one, I would share it with them and it would become a traveling chicken kinda of like a traveling red dress.

  64. Reginald Poppycock Feathers the 3rd…. not that there has been a 1st or 2nd…. he’s just pretentious like that.

  65. Oh my God- “Not Towels”. That is awesome.

    I REALLY want to win this because both my sister and I read your site, so if I left it on her doorstep with the “Knock knock” note, she would totally get it(although it might be just as awesome to do that for a random person).

    And I’d name it Samuel. For Samuel L. Jackson. Because I’m pretty sure “Knock knock Motherf*ker” (am I allowed to swear here?) is what he says every time he knocks on a door.

  66. I would name him (or her) Jacques Rinaldo Cousteau, in honour of my best best friend who, in the 8th grade, had an inanimate…something…named thusly. It may have been a chicken. Eighth grade was a long time ago.

  69. He shall be named….Gunther. Why? Cause he looks like a Gunther – why else? 🙂

  71. I would name him Sir Oswald Earl Shuckenstein, O. Shucks for short. He has too much awesome to not have a nickname.
    P.S. Thank you for your awesomeness!

  72. I feel it is wrong to name the giant bird as he clearly already has one. His name is Not Your Mother’s Beyonce

  73. Rainbow Colored Metal Chicken Dancing On Countertops. Well. That’s his Indian name (feathers, not dots!) I would make a video of him that rivals “Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing On Rainbows”. 🙂

  75. I was going to post a name but once I read Kyra’s suggestion of James Van Der Beak, I knew that nothing I could write would match that. Well played Kyra. . .well played.

  79. I know it’s been said, and I’mma let you finish, but Blue Ivy is the best name of all time!

  80. I would call him Bwak-be-que and place him next to my grill. My husband would probably lock the liquor cabinet afterwards.

  81. Clearly that glorious metal chicken is mine.

    And her name is Sloan Cluckerson, as she is so obviously Ferris Mewler’s girlfriend.

  84. Wesley Scissorhands. Wesley, like from the Princess Bride and as a nod to Wil Wheaton. Scissorhands, well of course, because he doesn’t have any.

  85. Reggie. Don’t know why, but it looks like a Reginald with the nick name of Reggie. Love your blog!

  90. I have several obsessions. One of which is Big Bang Theory. If you watch it you know that my Beloved Sheldon was treed by a chicken and will tell you that they are quite fierce – not to be associated with cowardly things. Sheldon is also from Texas. So – Sheldon Lee Cooper.

    I also think he was appreciate the depth of your logic and the complexity of your explanations to a clearly puzzled Victor. BAZINGA!

  93. OMFNG I screamed out loud that I needed this and my husband looked at me and tells me No you have too many strange fetishies and this would only be a new one. But I told him that Poe would fit into out e’er life perfectly. Yet he still say No.

    The duck does fit perfectly in the secne.

  94. Daphne, because “my” Victor wouldn’t let me give that name to our cat, so she is Diva instead. …also he hates it when I buy towels!!!

  96. Well obs…he looks just like a Sarah Palin or a Michelle Bachmann. And then it would be a relevant decoration for an election year! (In which neither of them is actually running but during which BOTH names will be copiously invoked during various debate/drinking game parties at my house!).

  98. I would name him Sheldon, after Sheldon Cooper of the Big Bang Theory, who knows everything about everything. Then, whenever someone argues with me, I’d just direct them to Sheldon who, conveniently, only speaks through me, and Sheldon would insist that I am always right. Which I am. Plus, Sheldon Cooper gives me lots of chicken joke material (Shell, Coop) for my blog, and every single picture would obviously link back to you and Sheldon’s mama, Beyonce. 😉

  99. I’d name him Walla Walla Wenceslaus. Because I would live in Walla Walla just so I could say that I’m from Walla Walla, Washington and Walla Walla just sounds chicken-ish, and Wenceslaus just cause when was the last time you knew someone named Wenceslaus?

  102. I would name him/her Aloysious Alphonse, after myself, since that is what my parents called me before I was born. Obviously.

  103. Jenny, if you even get to my submission, which I doubt you will because there are like thousands ahead of mine. All very clever. But I think I would name her Cher. I never had my Cher Barbie that I always wanted as a kid, and somehow this makes up for it.
    Thank you.

  104. I’d name her (I know it’s a ‘her’ because no way a boy chicken is that badass) Shakira. Please send her to live in Boston. We are severely lacking in our collection of smallish and largish metal chickens. Sad, but true.

  105. I’d name her “Waffles” – She’d live on the front porch with my custom painted garden gnome that looks like Gene Simmons from Kiss. They’d be fast friends – I can tell these things.

  107. OMG! How to pick just one super special name for a very special rooster??????? Luckily I am at work and have time for this sort of thing 🙂 I think it’s only fair to go with my childhood hero…whom I literally wanted to be when I grew up (please note, I did not want to be like him, I literally wanted to be him). So with that, I would name this future hypothetical chicken of mine, Michael Jackson.

  110. this chicken is clearly named Pharrell Williams. Because Beyonce is married to Jay Z, and my favorite Jay Z song is “Frontin'” which he sings with Pharrell Williams.

  111. I’m glad I read this after I looked at the photos. I was beginning to get concerned for Duckie Van Buren when I thought that HE was the impalee, instead of the impaler. Are those even words?

  114. I would name it Judgy McJudgerson II. One of My roommates and I “affectionatly” refer to our other roommate as Judgy McJudgerson becuase she gives us “that look” when she comes home from work and finds us drunk on chinese food and WINE. This happens every single time. So I would name this chicken Judgy McJudgerson II and sit it where it looks toward her spot on the couch so it can judge her for judging us. But if Judgy I asks what its name is (which she probably won’t because she would think “why would anyone name a chicken?” except that she doesnt realize that I already have lizard made out of beads name Xander, a taxidermied blowfish named Jasper, and used to have a giant ceramic fish named Giles, who tragically died in an incident involving a sudden stop in a vehicle…let me just say that most of the time seatbelts save lives, but in this case, it cracked a big hole in the side of poor Giles…who knew that my strapping him in we were really just sentancing him to death??)….where was I…oh yes! If Judgy I asks what the name of the chicken is I would tell her it’s name is Larry. Because no one whould think that someone named Larry would be judging them.

  116. Jermaine Jackson named his son Jermajesty. I think it’s too good to only be used once.
    This child of Beyonce shall also be named Jermajesty!

  117. I would name him Rory, The Chicken That Waited (if you’ve gotten that far in Doctor Who, you’ll understand) 🙂

  123. Julio Tenderloins, of course. Ferris Mewler, by posing with Julio, was generously bequeathing him his animal magnetism powers, therefore making him worthy of the Tenderloins name. Totally obvious.

  124. I would name it Cicero, because Cicero means Chick pea, and of course a mini Beyonce is a pea-sized chicken, hence Cicero is the perfect name. (for my new metal chicken)!

  131. True story. In college a girl I was sort of dating had some sort of metal bird looking thing that was probably supposed to be like your chicken, except it wasn’t.

    I mean she was an artist who worked with all sorts of different materials and when she asked me if I liked it I probably should have said yes. Really, most men learn early on that we don’t tell you if the jeans make you look fat and that you are more attractive than actress XYZ.

    But those men are smarter than I am, because I said that her strange looking metal something or other looked like it should be used in a prison movie and then she lost it.

    Ok, she didn’t really lose it. She just smacked me in the head with that strange looking metal something or other and it got stuck. Ok, this story is probably getting a little weird, but you have more than a thousand comments so no one is really going to see it.

    Call the bird Chuck.

  133. Since it’s smaller than Beyonce, I’d have to name “her” Blue Ivy. 🙂

    Then I’d station her in the bathroom. Possibly on the sink counter with a sign that reads “At least it’s not towels”

    OR

    I’d put her on my porch by my front door with a sign around her neck saying “Knock knock mother fuckers!”

    You gotta pick me!!!!

  135. I would love him and hug him and call his name George.
    And I would put him on the book shelf next to my paper mache duck whose name is Daphne.

  136. Lady Gaga of course. Not just because of the irony that it looks like it’s costume was made of many different things. But seriously, they would totally telephone each other if they could. And if they weren’t inanimate metal chickens. You see my point anyway.

  137. I would name him Geraldo and my tiny crazy parrot would stare at him in cross eyed terror for WEEKS. Every time I moved him, she would assume he was a hawk, because she is a parrot filled with nightmares. They would be perfect for eachother.

  138. My beloved rooster cock-a-doodle-died a couple of weeks ago. A giant metal replacement is just the thing I need to get over the loss. His name shall be Lord Flapulon Von Hasselmeyer!

  139. OMG I want this! “And that’s why you should learn to pick your battles” is my all-time favorite post of yours.

    I would name him the first thing that popped into my head when I saw him: Tom Petty.

  141. Ferris Mewler has enormous and adorable paws. He reminds me of my 15 pound monster, except Rubber is a brown tabby instead of grey.

    If I had a metal chicken, I would have to name it Chicken Caan of the Cult of Skaro Nuggets. Probably because I’m thoroughly sleep-deprived and up in the middle the day watching lots of Dr. Who.

  142. First of all, I have to know where exactly where the doll heads on pikes are since I am in your general vicinity, especially since I’ve been reading a series of books where the characters’ favorite activities are cutting off people’s heads and displaying them on pikes.

    and secondly I’m not really in the habit of naming metal chicken sculptures but I suppose I could call it Mike after my deceased brother-in-law who was very fond of his rooster until the little bastard got too aggressive and he gave it away but I would take it off your hands nevertheless.

  144. I would name him Napoleon Buttercup. I think it fits his regal flair, but with some crazy thrown in. Good find!!

  147. Billina shall be her name, because although she looks like a rooster, I’m pretty sure she’s a chick. Also, I loved/was terrified by Return to Oz and that somehow seems relevant here.

  148. The Chicken Formerly Known as Beyonce… no, Jacques Cousteau, definitely Jacques Cousteau… I mean just look at his face… clearly he is Jacques Cousteau

  149. We have a habit of naming our pets after food… (ie: Cats named Pasta and Taco)… I want to name him *Chicken Thierry*. He would most likely be called Chicken, and my friends and family would want to point out that he is a rooster not a chicken, but they would be wrong. Thierry is thrown in because I wanted to name my son that and I received a resounding “NO!” from everyone including baby, they were right, but I still adore the name!

    PLUS I totally need mini-Beyonce’ because last week I had a mental breakdown day (days?) and I posted a picture of a flock of Beyonce’s on my face book and said:
    “I need. Seriously. Could be life saving here”
    In the following comments…
    Me: “The small one is my backup plan. But it’s too practical!!!! 😉 “
    Aunt: “Really??? Do they do something?”
    Me: “Yes. They make people furiously happy!!!!”

    BTW, Martin Van Buren is the cutest vampire hunter EVER! I love that you had all of his accessories waiting for him to feel right at home!

  150. I don’t usually comment, but I can’t pass up mini-B. I’m sure someone already suggested Blue Ivy, but I think I’d actually name him lucifer.

  155. She looks like a Stella to me. But my husband’s birthday is coming up and I think this may just be the perfect gift…so maybe he can name her.

  156. Every time I read your blog the similaritie betweent your interactions with Victor and my interactions with B scare me. Almost as much as baby heads on chains

    I would name him Jennifer Garner. He would keep Ben Affleck company. Ben gets plenty of attention at work (someone is fashoning a cape for him as I type), but he is lonely without his partner. I hear him crying when I’m on conference calls. It’s terribly distracting. http://legallydelish.wordpress.com/2011/09/08/cube-chicken/

    you are f*ing hilarious. But you know that.

  157. Her name is Loretta. I’m pretty sure it’s a “she.” But if I’m wrong, his name is still Loretta.

  162. Since it’s a chicken, I’d name it Squirrel.
    I’m all for postmodern names, and already have a plush hedgehog named Frog.

  163. I would name it “D.C.”. For the one response I would hear from my husband when he returns from being deployed and sees it sitting on my counter. ” JENNY! WHAT, WHY IS THERE A DAMN CHICKEN ON THE COUNTER?” Which he will follow with how much did you pay for it!

  165. Love your Beyonce! Hell, love you! I tell ya, she looks like a “Lady Bok Bok” to me. What do you think?

  171. That mini-me chicken’s name is Zanzibar as in Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate, and she needs to come live in my sunny San Diego garden chicken coop until I can convince my husband to let me put some real chickens in there!

  172. Merris Fewler.

    Your cat inspires me to go to the nearest animal shelter and smuggle a cute little kitty home.

  178. Its quite obvious that he is VERY well educated.. Even Ferris seems to know.. I would buy him a pair of reading spectacles To help with his astigmatism. And then I shall dub him Professor Maximus Dumplings III.. but that’s just me…

  181. i would name him tipsy-the-wonder-chicken. it looks like he needs something on the back of his claws to keep him balanced. not the most creative name, but practical and descriptive.

  182. I would name her Hobo. And then would vote to have her named Mascot on the Dealing with Inlaws board on babycenter.

  183. Fredrickstein MckCockelschnapff the Fourth. It’s safest not to ask about the first three, dearie.

    I also love the Duffy the Vampire Slayer. I will say her beak’s bright red color made me wonder if perhaps she had been drinking some blood as well as slaying vampires. A conundrum, for sure, but I’d recommend keeping an eye on the feisty creature.

  184. What would you name it? What the hell kind of question is that? The spawn of Beyonce’ has already been named. Blue Ivy Chicken, of course.

  186. I would call him Marco Pechugas De Pollo.
    And take pictures of him with my cats.
    And with the ducks that hang out in my front yard.
    And on the swing set in the back yard.
    And…

  189. I would name my chicken…Solange.

    Like Barbie and Skipper, Britney and Jamie Lyn, Jesssica and Ashley,…even a metal chicken needs a little sister than isn’t as good as them. And i think it is only fair to have a photo of the two of them together, maybe Beyonce could even sign it.

  192. I would name him J-Lo….I am starting to believe that we need an entire flock of musical Diva’s in metal Chicken form across the country. I would have J-Lo in Virginia, you have the original Beyonce in Texas….and soon we can all meet up once a year, with our chickens of course, at the annual “Metal Chicken Diva’s Convention”…or as we like to call it “Not Towels Con”. Yes that is my dream, and by choosing me, you are helping me get one step closer to achieving that dream.

  195. I need that metal chicken. I. NEED. IT! My boyfriend broke up with me last night and a mini metal chicken would be nice to cuddle. A much nicer cuddle than the ex was! ;o)

  196. Hector Berlioz.

    Who wrote a symphonic poem (which is like a symphony except with commentary) called Symphonie Fantastique (“Fantasy Symphony”. Dude was inventive, yes?) and one of the movements was about being in a crowd watching his own execution. It’s epic.

  200. I would have to see if the chicken was a boy or a girl but if it’s a boy I’d name him Gerald Edgar Chesterton. If it’s a girl then I’d go full Diva and name her Nikki Miraha Shakira Knowles

  203. It’s got to be Melanie Wilkes. Because the Coke accents and the scorch marks made me think of Atlanta, and Gone With the Wind. I always thought Melanie Wilkes was more of a badass than anyone gave her credit for. And Melanie did get a little singed, if I recall correctly, laying in the wagon while Atlanta burned and Rhett and Scarlett were making out.

  204. Dame Edna seems an appropriate name for such a majestic creature. Though my friend demands Humphrey Poulgart. Either way, that chicken would compliment the T-rex on my windowsill.

  205. Queen Elizabeth. She already has a ruby crown. How freaking awesome is that?

    Also, I have been regaling my husband with your tales of Beyonce, and he doesn’t think they are nearly as amusing as I do, so I need Queen Elizabeth’s help in demonstrating the awesomeness of the metal chicken to him.

  206. Frederick. He looks like a frederick. I also want to go to your flea market thing because it looks awesome.

  207. I would name him “You see Joe, you didn’t think I’d go through with my metal chicken threat!” Or probably just “The Reckoning” for short.

  208. I entered your name in the Mexican Wrestler Name Generator (this is an actual website) and below is what it came up with:

    ¡Qué bueno! Your old gringo name was Jennifer Lawson. But we now call you:

    El Gato en Fuego

    In honor of you and because I think this means the Cat on Fire which could explain why Ferris Mewler was so attracted to him, cause cats like heat, I would name the the chicken El Gato en Fuego! If I win him I may need to find a small cape for him to wear as I think the name suggests he needs one.

  209. His name would be Johnny. Yes, I know it’s not clever, but there’s no point in competing with your amazing writing and the silliness of the other commenters!

    Thanks for the giveaway. I hope you’re doing well.

    lindseyjunk (at) sbcglobal (dot) net

  210. I would name her Julia Goolia Cockadoodilia, but I’d probably have to give her a sex change operation first. As a rooster I’d name him William Cockner. “Bill the Cock” for short.

  216. My bestie and I have been hunting for our very own “Beyonce” since your first post, and we FINALLY found one this past weekend. He’s ceramic and surrounded by fruit (not quite the same), but equally fantastic. I firmly believe you can’t have too many chickens around, so I think I’ll name this one Hank…just because.

  217. I would name him Victor and place him in our living room so he could photobomb the hundreds of photos my sister-in-law takes at our family parties. Because he would add so much flare, of course.

  220. I would name him Lucille.

    My reason? Because I’m a big Leverage fan and the hacker, Alec Hardison, named his van Lucille. I would rather name him after Wil Wheaton’s Leverage character Chaos, but my dog is named Chaos and that would be confusing. For both the dog and for the rooster. (And no, I didn’t name the dog after Wil Wheaton’s Leverage character. He already had that name when we got him in 2003.)

    So Lucille it is.

  223. You know… it’s a toss-up between Humphrey, Steve, and Chandler. (Apparently it’s a boy chicken – which I would proudly introduce as, “Oh, yes, and this is my cock, Steve.”) Although Chandler Chicken does sound pretty cool…

  224. Xerxes…from my favorite scene in “The Whole Ten Yards” where Matthew Perry runs over Blanche, Bruce Willis’s chicken. And Bruce Willis screams, “Consuelo! Xerxes! Alert the others! There’s been a tragedy!” That makes me giggle every time…not that running over chickens is funny…but the idea of chickens talking to other chickens is freakin’ hilarious.

    However, I think my husband would prefer if I came home with new towels instead of a metal chicken. Ours smell a little “used” and no amount of washing seems to make them smell sweet and clean.

  227. This chicken shrieks of Cybil Shepard to me. Don’t ask for a rational explanation of how I came to that conclusion…I have none. But I stand by my decision.

  228. 1st, this is the 1st time since WED that I have been online, because when I went to an innocuous appt w/ the rheumatology dept here I was immediately rushed into the ER and have been in an X-Files like isolation room ever since. (You have to suit up to come in.) They have no idea what is wrong – and I have been cut off from the net the last 4 1/2 days! I came to you first, and you did not disappoint!! If I had that chicken I would name him Sahib. Cock-a-doodle-doo! Morning time!!

  229. Thomas McDingle Is what I would name that little metal chicken….And he would be fabulous and whether my husband liked it or not he would hold a place of honor in our house 🙂

  230. Even though she’s a mini-Beyonce, I feel that “Mother Clucker” would be appropriate!

  231. I used to work at Martin Van Buren Historic Site, this is hilarious! There used to be a lot of vampires pre MVB…..there could be a connection!

  232. I must have this chicken for my office. As a professor of psychology, I can use it as a prop/example of….well….almost anything in my classes.

  233. I would name him Maximus, because that’s the name of my fake boyfriend I’m building a man cave for, and who says all giant metal chickens have to have female names?!

  234. I would name him Poo. But that’s not a bad thing. My sister and I call eachother Poopsie. Poops for short. So its a term of endearment, not like shit. Maybe I should change it to Poops. Like Poopsie.

  236. I would name him J.D because I have two chihuahuas who are named Thelma and Louise and the chicken looks a little bit shady and I think that he would try to seduce Thelma and then take all of her doggy snacks like Brad Pitt did in the movie, he took money though not doggy treats. AND Thelma has a stuffed quail that she likes to hump so the fact that J.D is a chicken she probably would have invited the seduction or even initiated it. My dog sounds a bit like a whore… shes awesome!! Give me J.D… I NEED HIM! Thanks.

  237. If I had a mini metal chicken, it would be named Max.(After my late cat.) It could live in our backyard with the three headed general of the Unholy Bunny Army ™ and his collection of cats. My daughter would name it Penny after her best friend. My husband would roll his eyes. Sounds like something full of win.

    Kate
    (My late sister in law had a huge collection of ceramic lawn bunnies. We helped her move all of them in for the winter. My Husband (who was not yet my husband) referred to them as the Unholy Bunny Army. We chose the three headed one to remind us of her.)

  238. His name is Clarence, a tribute to the late Clarence Clemmons, most awecome sax player ever, for obvious reasons.

  246. I’d name him Charlie. I wanted to name one of my kids that, but my husband wouldn’t let me because it was the name of all of his pet hamsters growing up. I don’t think he’d object to a metal chicken named Charlie, and I’m sure he’d prefer it to the 5ft Beyonce sized one.

  247. I would love to win the chicken, but I’m unable to come up with a name right now because I’m totally distracted by the collection of mounted heads on the wall behind it. I’m completely fascinated by those!

  248. Hmmm…Crowca Cola? Stupid Richard? That way I can blame him for everything that goes wrong. We’re late? It’s Stupid Richard’s fault. Insurance isn’t paying ny of that bill? Damn that Stupid Richard! And when I’m really mad “Arby’s gave me Vanilla instead of Jamoca?? That Stupid DICK!”

    Yes, Stupid Richard, the Crowca Cola Roo.

  249. Sergeant Pfeffer.
    I don’t know why. Nor do I know how to spell “Sergeant” properly, since it took me three times.

  250. I’d call him “Coke Roger” with the Roger being in a French accent. It would be pronounced something like Coke Rog-eh. The reason for this is that I bought a friend (named Roger) a plastic chicken because its name was Roger Rooster – however….in French – this translates to Cock Roger (get your mind out of the gutter!). So Cock Rog-eh….Changed up to Coke Rog-eh for the wings….nice.

  254. After an argument with my husband on what I was not allowed to name my dog, I would name him Lucifurious “Iron Fist” MacGuyver.

  255. In honor of our newest fallen celebrity, I would name this small chicken Paula. Of course, I would need to fashion a butter chip and gravy boat vessel to ride in as she made her way around the various places in our home.

  257. I would name it Chick-a-pea Cooper – and he would sit on top of my fridge, and my penguin statues would be like ‘woah, what is that thing?’ and he’d be like ‘yeah, I’m a chicken. What up now?’ and they’d become fast friends. As friendly as bird statues can be to one another.

  260. I can’t even begin to compete with the 1350+ suggestions that preceed me. Therefore, I am simply going to respond “Paul”. Paul is a delightful name for a delightful chicken. Thanks for being awesome.

  261. I’d name him “Victorious” of course. that’s what I would be with the chicken in my house.

  262. OMG OMG OMG a chance to win a Beyoncé baby! I am *excited*! OK what would I call him…

    Baron Vladimir Von Wienerschnitzel.

    Obviously. See how haughty he is? The way he holds his tail? Totally aristocracy.

  266. My husband wants to name him Iron Chicken and paint him red/maroon. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t let that happen. He’d have a friend to go visit here, I swear I saw a giant Beyonce wannabe down the road… I will have to go investigate and take a picture.

  268. I would use him as my muse, and when in need of inspiration I would turn to him and say “HENry David Thoreau” please help me come up with something fantastically stupid to blog about.

  270. Frowsy Kate Wardel – if we kids looked like we had lost our minds, he would invoke the name of FKW as a comparison. Apparently it was someone he knew from his childhood back in the Dark Ages.

  274. I think he looks like a Bubba Dean. Bubba, because he’s obviously a rooster, and Dean because he looks totally harassed by Ferris Mewler, just like good ol’ Paula Dean has been by all those diabetic haters out there.

  275. Holy Crap!! I just discovered your blog and think you are sort of brilliant. In a creepy, odd way that I really love and respect. I would name the chicken Michael Jackson. Only because we have real chickens and ended up with a rooster (sexing baby chicks is apparently not a perfected science, damn it). Anyways, his name was Michael Jackson and we loved him but we had to get rid of him b/c we live in an urban area where chickens are frowned upon, and btw, are also are illegal. We could hide the other hens but we couldn’t hide the 6am cock-a-doodle-dooing. I tried everything I could to find a good home for him but I failed. He ultimately went to a bunch of hispanic day laborers at the gas station. I’m hoping Michael Jackson ended up in the mouths of starving immigrant children. And I’m hoping they appreciated the fact that he was 100% organic. We miss him dearly (and we miss all the awesome, inappropriate Michael Jackson jokes he inspired among ourselves and our cool neighbors that knew of our illegal backyard chickens).

    Anyways, if I win Michael Jackson – he would be displayed very proudly in our kitchen. I’d even set a place for him at the table. I might even bring him to large family gatherings and insist he be accommodated. You would be very proud!!!

    Oh, and just in case you think I’m a crazy FREAK (btw, I am) and wonder if I’m making all of this up, here’s a tribute video I did for Michael Jackson (the rooster): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPrWgkWPc5w

  279. She would have to be called Myfanwy, which mean beloved in Welsh, and I am Welsh and she would be loved.

  281. I would name him George. I would bring him to work and put him on my desk. He could be friends with the cow skull that my co-worker has on his shelf. 😀

  282. I would name her Camilla for 3 reasons. 1) Camilla is the name of Gonzo’s chicken he loved so much. 2) Camilla was a warrior virgin in Roman mythology. 3) after the Duchess of Cornwall

  283. $hit (can’t type bad words at work). Then I could move Chicken $hit around the house and put it in different rooms because it would be fun to say. Why’s the Chicken $hit in the bathtub? My purse is by the Chicken $hit in the front room.

  285. Or perhaps I’d call him Chauncey Chanticleer. I don’t think I should have to explain Chauncey. And Chanticleer? Well that’s the mascot at Coastal Carolina University, and I like it. So there ya have it.

  287. Hmmmmm I think I would name him Bertie. Cause I just rewatched The Kings Speech this weekend and I think Bertie is adorable. His full name though would be King George the 6th though, cause if Prince Bertie can change his name to King George than so can Bertie the mini chicken. And my roommate and I could extend our game of “hide the gnome” to “hide the gnome and chicken”. And no that’s not a euphemism, get your mind out to the gutter. We have a wee garden gnome, all dressed up in Edmonton Oilers gear (our hometown hockey team) that we hide around our apartment for each other to find. His name is Larry. We also have a tablet named Ned and a dishwasher named Jeoffry, both from Game of Thones. Cause Ned is always dying on us and Jeoffry is an annoying P.O.S. …. Also, I just realized that I name inanimate objects entirely too often… or maybe not often enough…

  290. If I won him I would totally hold a Name The Apartment Sized Metal Chicken contest…. it’s like the gift that keeps on giving. And also, I would probably have to get a cat, too, since they appear to be friends and I wouldn’t want the metal chicken to be lonely. Win-win!

  291. He would go by Rodney Cockerfield. Because he obvisoulsy gets no respect from Victor.

    Then I would also put a litte mini mask and cape on him at night and call him Captain Cock-A-Doodle-Do. The name doesn’t incite much of a feeling fear and intimidation, but that is part of Captian Doodle’s (how he will be lovingly referred to in the headlines) master plan. He’ll lures the malcontents into a false sense of safety, then cock slaps them in the face. For justice!

  292. I’m going to have to go slightly literary (and perhaps controversial!) and say I’d name him Salman. Salman Rushdie. Because whenever I look at Salman Rushdie, for whatever god forsaken reason, I think “farm animal!!!” No disrespect to Mr Rushdie, of course. Errrrr….

  294. I don’t think creatively under pressure well, but I have two daughters named Story and Keeper, so it’s safe to say I would come up with something bizarre and appropriate.

  297. I already have my own mini-Beyonce, (well technically it’s my husband’s because it was an anniversary present), but I think my marriage could take another if it were named Peaches.

  298. I would name her BeyBeyonce, though I wish I had your Beyonce. That giant chicken would show up on so many people’s doorstep just to mess with them!

  300. I would definitely name her Jenive. Then, I could defer to her in times of need. Someone looking for Jenive? They MUST mean the chicken. Jenive screwed up again? Damn that metal chicken. I see her being a very good totem of blame.

    And bonus points, I live in Austin. So I could save you some serious shipping costs by meeting you somewhere to collect her. Somewhere well lit and public even. And lets face it, not going to the post office + saved shipping costs = you just MADE money off of her.

  301. That chicken’s name is Nicodemus. Because that’s how he introduced himself to me. He was born in Texas but has affected a British accent to weed out the riff-raff when trying to engage in conversations. I don’t know what British accents have to do with it. I’m only repeating what he said. But I can’t do a British accent very well but he sounds exactly like David Tennant. As The Doctor because David Tennant has a severe Scottish accent in real life.

  304. Jack the Cock, the Third. Or JC3 for short. That way, when I call him JC, he won’t be confused with some other JC everyone’s always talking about.

  305. He would be Al the Chicken Man from Al’s Toy Barn. Like, from Toy Story 2. And yes, I would say/write out the entire title every time he was brought up. Which would be all the time. Because he’s a metal chicken. Just sayin’.

  307. Since I’m such a classy young lady, I would name him Motherfucker.
    And call him MoFo in mixed company.

  309. I’m sorry but look at the welds on that chicken… it’s clearly an undead chicken!!! It’s Zombeyonce!!!! And that’s what I would name her! And also, I would accept Ferris Mewler in the package… you know, as shown in the advertising… give him air holes please. I love you Ferris Mewler!

  312. Hmm. Clearly a boy. And a damn fine boy he is.

    I’m thinking, if I win him, I shall name him…Ptolemy Tinplate.

    If I do win him, my husband will not be pleased, which only adds to his value in my eyes. Ptolemy’s, not my husband’s.

  313. Rhett Butler. Dont ask me why, but the minute I saw him that’s the name that popped in my head.

  315. I do believe his name is Bartholamew Oliver Oglethorpe The third. Olly for short. There is a long tradition.

  316. I’ve always wanted a pet, and to name them Wicket after an Ewok from Return of the Jedi. But I’m a) not allowed to have pets in my building and b) (and much less importantly) very allergic to most cats and dogs so I would have the mini-Beyonce and I will love him and squeeze him (avoiding all sharp edges while doing so. I have an aversion to my own blood) and I will call him Wicket.

  318. And I shall call him Rufus McRoosterkins, and he shall sit at my desk! He LOVES junk food, and is very supportive of my fart-ass-around-on-the-computer habit! 🙂

  322. I would have to go with Cock Swagger. Not sure why, it just came to me as soon as I saw him.

  323. OMG! I have one Beyonce similar to that size and he needs a friend! I would so name him Teyonce! Because they are twins…although fraternal not identical obviously! And now of course I’m thinking of what I will name my 3rd metal rooster because, my friend Jenny, you have created a monster! Even my kids yell when we see metal roosters and I’m threatening my hubs that if I don’t get a GIANT metal Beyonce soon there will be hell to pay!

  327. Mini Beyonce would grace my living room next to the plant stand where my husband would have to look at him everyday. Occasionally he (mini Beyonce) would steal the remote and never tell where it is or what he was watching while in control of the TV. Fun times for all.

  329. Everyone is saying they’d name him Blue, which was my first instinct. So I’m going to have to go with my second instinct, which was “The Way We Were”.

    As a nickname, though, I’d probably just call him Steve.

  332. I have two choices on this one. First, Jerry Cantrell because I immediately heard the Alice in Chains song in my head when I saw him. Or Sir Didymus because I’ve always wanted to name a pet that. Or I could just name him Bowie.

    I’d probably go with Jerry Cantrell or Jerry Cantrell, Sr. It’s more patriotic and meant to be.

  333. I would name him Portlandia out of respect for their lack of ability to censor me putting a bird on my desk!

  335. Nestor Emilio Estrada Jesus Ramirez de la Garza, because he looks like he should talk with a Spanish accent.

  336. I NEED this chicken for my sister who introduced me to your awesomeness by sending me a link to the original Beyonce post. She is also an avid coca-cola collector. Therefore I believe that she is meant to have this chicken! It’s fate. You don’t want to mess with fate do you? She is working her ass off at our recently-deceased-mother’s house getting rid of years and years worth of useless stuff so that we can sell the house. I can’t think of a better reward for her hard work than giving her a metal chicken . In honor of Mom, I’d name it Katie Lou Klucks.

  337. Hmm… I’m torn… while Sasha Fierce seems most logical… I’m fond of Sophia Petrillo.

  338. I think it looks like he has a monocle on so I think I’d name him Lord Cluckington-cartwright the third.

  341. Blondie. I think the rock-and-roll genre needs a little representation in the metal-chicken sect.

  344. Don Quixote…mostly in honor of Victor who has been tilting at the windmill of your mental state for so very long! Love ya!

  346. Jakeward. I would name him jakeward. As in Edward (Cullen) + Jake (Black.)

    Which is clearly the best possible thing that could exist.

    Beacuse that would be the best of both worlds.

    World peace.
    you’re welcome.

  347. OMG…not that you can top Beyonce but the first thing that I thought of was “Jack” from Will and grace. I don’t know why! Alittle glam, alittle Jazz hands, alittle off-kilter!!

  351. Hmmmm…I think that I would name it Cokie Cox (mostly because I am so exicted that Cougar Town is coming back) He would sit with me and “Big Wille” and watch the show!

  354. He looks like a “Stonewall Jackson” to me, but that’s probably because the husband unit has been forcing me to listen to Civil War audiobooks.

  355. Sir Gunther III because clearly he comes from a long line of awesomeness.
    I love the duck and I love even more that you already had the scene.

  356. Kelly Rowland seems to make some sense, but I think I’d go with Millicent. Because I wanted to name my daughter Millicent (it’s a witch’s name, you know) but my husband wouldn’t let me. I still don’t know why, but he’s not my husband anymore, so the name is free for chickens.

  358. Urglegrew – The Office the early years. And she’d sent back post cards of all her trips abroad. Because she’s a traveling chicken.

  359. Colonel William Moultrie. I just got back from Charleston with my honey and need another reason to use when convincing him we should move there in 2-3 years. How can you say no to, “But his name is already appropriate! Now if we don’t move there he’ll think we were just playing a cruel joke. Do you want to be responsible for a cruel joke on the Col?! I didn’t think so. Besides. This is what happens when you won’t let me have kittens.”?

  360. I would name him Gilbert, because who wouldn’t want a desk sized chicken named Gilbert. Because he would fit perfectly on my desk at work so when I get angry and frustrated and look over and Incredulously say, “knock knock, motherfucker”, giggle a little, and think that whatever problem I’m currently having can’t be nearly as bad as living with a homicidal monkey who would eat my face off while I’m sleeping.

  361. The 4-year old has spoken and she said it’s name should be “Beak, because look! It has a beak” and you can’t argue that kind of logic.

  365. I think I’d have to name it Jenny. Or maybe David Lee Roth. Ok. I think I like that better than Jenny.

    I just moved to “town” (pop. 232) from the country, and I really need a metal chicken for my yard to class up the place. Especially since I missed out on buying the Blues Brothers when they were at the October antique fair. I’m hoping they’ll be back in April. They would be amazing in my backyard.

  367. I only made it through the first 90 comments and there are already tons of awesome names!

    I see a Beauregard Von Clucksford, southern plantation descended rooster royalty. I know there is a slightly less cheeky baby Beyonce at my local Pamida but my husband poopoo’d the idea the first time I saw her.

  368. I too am fond of Sophia Petrillo and Dorothy Spornak but the name I would give her is River Song – the badass woman from Dr. Who.

  369. I first would like to say that you NEVER have to apologize for showing us taxidermied vampire slaying duck scenes, NEVER. I am new to your blog, but since discovering you I have laughed out loud, inappropriately, at work on numerous occasions.

    Secondly, I would most definitely name him Cluck Norris.

  372. Mallard Fillmore.

    The fact that this is a chicken and not a duck is completely irrelevant.

  374. I suck at names. I tried to steal Beyonce from you and name my bearded dragon, but then my 3 year old insisted on naming it Toothless, after the dragon in How To Train Your Dragon, so we compromised and named it Toothless Beyonce. And it’s a male, so now whenever I speak of him I imagine a homeless drag queen who’s lost his/her dentures. So probably if I won a metal chicken, I would just name it Nicolas Cage, due to the undeniable resemblance.

  375. Obviously the little one should be Taylor Swift, because we all know Beyonce is the greatest metal chicken of all time.

  376. This may be fate. I kinda have chills. I happen to be getting married in June, and my TAXIDERMIST fiancee has decided to choose 4 groomsmens to my 3 bridesmaids (who are all huge GD fans btw), and so I am in need of a 4th person to stand with me on the big day. I would name this miniature piece of metallic glory Alektor in honor of one of the aforementioned bridesmaids who has a huge and hysterical phobia of chickens (the technical name of which is Alektorphobia) and he would stand with us as I pledge my undying love and faithfulness in front of our friends and family. Plus, Alektor just sounds pretty bad ass. Like a Greek battle chicken. Before and after that day, Alektor would reside in the room in our small condo my intended has filled with his other taxidermy treasures, including Jorge, our silver Javalina skull, and Fred, our fox. It is Alektor’s destiny.

  377. I would name her Chickgelina Jolie. Because the exceedingly tiny straight and flat body, ridiculously skinny legs with the giant head on top couldn’t be anything else but an almost dead ringer of her namesake’s inspiration, Angelina.

  378. Colonel William Moultrie. My honey and I just got back from Charleston and then I could use him as another reason why we should move there in a couple years.
    “But if we don’t move there now, the Col will feel lost and adrift. Do you want to be responsible for the Col feeling lost and adrift? Also. This is what happens when you won’t let me have kittens.”

  379. Birdnando!

    Can you hear the drums, Birdnando?
    I remember long ago another starry night like this.
    In the firelight, Birdnando,
    You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar.
    I could hear the distant drums
    And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar.

  380. I’d name him Helmut Meatball Gallagher, III.
    Because I had a pet hermit crab named that a while ago (well, he was Jr.), and then my dad decided to let him take a walk outside in our backyard because “no animals should be caged forever,” and “he looks like he wants some nature,” and then we never found him, but years later, I found an empty shell, and have since been traumatized and want nothing more than a replacement Helmut of any species that won’t leave me.

  384. So apparently I don’t know my own email address. WTF me?

    And now, even if I don’t win, I will be on the lookout for David Lee Roth, the giant metal chicken.

  385. I emailed you this, but just in case you did not get it, I shall tell the story here too. Because it seemed appropriate and I think you may be my people. And also, When I stare into the blank eyes of Martin Van Buren, I feel like I see into his soul.

    I am a fan of Beyonce the chicken. When I read her story I thought to myself, “Hmmmm…me and my bestie would TOTALLY do that and my husband would TOTALLY be like that- hilarious.” But I love goats. I have been begging the hubz for a pygmy goat for the back yard and after I read about Beyonce, I started threatening him with a giant metal goat named Cher. Cut to last night. Who should appear upon my doorstep but Cher herself! Complete with MUSIC. A friend of mine (knowing about my love of Beyonce and goats) connived with my hubby to commission an artist to create Cher for me. It was the BEST Christmas gift ever (and yes I have used a lot of caps but that means I MEAN it). This is a link to a picture of Cher. http://www.facebook.com/#!/photo.php?fbid=2779726565978&set=a.1584078515524.85130.1042586882&type=1&theater
    She lives in my living room. I had to explain to the maid this morning not to touch her because she sustained an injury in transit and the artiste has to come over and re-weld her leg. She was confused. We have to get her a corral so she does not impale my kids. She is AWESOME.

    Just wanted to share with someone who understands the joy of metal farm animals.

  386. Ok it took some research to come up with this perfect name… At first I was thinking Pedro or something because I decided that it looked Spanish to me, and I was so looking forward to putting a sumbrero on it and put it as a centerpiece at bbqs this summer. But then I decided it looked Italian. The coca-cola did distract me a little. I now know that I have the perfect name PAULINUS ENZIO Paulinus (other than just sounding so much like another word…lol) means small (mini Beyonce) and then Enzio means home ruler. So because I so hope that I can have as much fun with my husband as you have with yours with Beyonce, it should rule the house. Also the eyes look like they have aviator goggles on…You know I have a few single friends and we always need a co-pilot to do our “aggressive shadowing” aka stalking on their crazy, lying boyfriends with….what a distraction that would be if all they could see was a big chicken behind the wheel of the car instead of us in caps and sunglasses!

    I just love your blog and cannot wait on your book to get to my doorstep!!

  390. I’d name him Charlemagne. Because he is obviously going to start a metal chicken empire spanning the globe. And he’s classy.

  392. First…I am so stealing “holy shitsnacks” from you…don’t worry I make it clear that I stole it from the woman I would leave my husband for (don’t worry, I read your posts to him…he totally gets why I would leave him for you) and second, I love that Ferris Mewler photo bombed your pictures.

  393. Bomber Belle. I always swore I’d name my first born this (my mother almost named me Daquiri. Ready-made stripper names run in the family.) I would treat the future Bomber Belle as if he were my child so I think it fits.

  394. His name is Mayor Wilkins, because he’s a chicken when it comes to germs, preens in the mirror, and is generally a major c**k.

  396. I would name him Herbert Screwdrive Macintosh-Shaw IV and he would sit on my desk at work…. Mostly because my husband is tired of me yelling and pointing every time I see a big metal chicken… (I always pout afterwords and bring home new towels to show him I mean business)

    P.S. the reason he has two last is because he is confident enough in his manhood to take his wife’s name instead.

    xoxo

  397. Louis Cockstrong. In honor of Louis Armstrong – just because he had a hit called “Struttin’ with Some Barbecue.” Can’t you see it? I’m not making this up…

  399. I would really love to win this chicken and name him Spike! I guess it’s because of all the points or maybe it’s because of the BBQ tool sitting at his feet. Thank you for the chance to win, you are kind and wonderful. And, I love baby ducks! My children were blond and barely had hair as babies, and when it finally started growing in they mostly looked like baby ducks, so I always feel soppy mommy feelings about baby ducks. The vampire stuff does set me back a little bit though. I don’t think I want my baby ducks to grow up to be vampire slayers. But that’s just me.

  401. Napoleon would look awesome in my kitchen. I think he probably has a complex for being small. And because someone wrote on his feathers.

  402. Hieronymus Beak. Because the name is as weird as my year has been: one straying husband, two car wrecks (one my fault, one not) and three unruly, smart-phone eating dogs. I could use a rooster to ease me through this.

  403. I just keep looking at it and thinking “Jimmy Carter”… and I don’t even know why…. But I see an above post from a Sarah who recommends Blue Tail Carter. I think that’s even better. Sarah should win.

  407. I totally detest taxidermy except every time I see it here. And then I covet it furiously. It’s very confusing.

    And while I won’t enter the contest, what with int’l shipping and all, I must put my two cents in that the chicken’s name is obviously Lita Ford.

  408. Oh my god, how are you going to choose from all the names? Put them on the wall and throw a duck (carrying a bloody spike) at them and see what sticks, I guess. I would name him Scratch Hashbody. Or Naomi. Not after me, but after Naomi Campbell. That chicken looks like it could throw a phone.

  409. I’m sure I’m not the first to say this but it’s obvious…. Blue Ivy…. duh!
    But i’d probably get tired of the two word name and shorten it to blue or maybe ivy…. no blue… choices, choices!

  410. well, since he is an Amish chicken, obviously he should be named Abram Jaccob Yoder…. I’m just surprised no one has already told you this…..

  411. I would call him, Dad.

    Like in The Blue Dahlia where Alan Ladd’s wife gets murdered after he comes home unexpectedly from the war, and she’s living in this swanky place with bungalows with maids, and the maid finds her dead body and thinks she’s drunk because she’s like that (the wife), and when the kicked-off-the-police force housepeep (house detective) arrives on the scene, everyone calls him Dad. I don’t think he was ever married or had kids, so I never understood why them call him that, but it fits. Fits chickens, too. At least this one.

  413. Bianca!

    and I just saw a Beyonce look alike last week in someone’s front yard. It was my wedding day and I screamed “Beyonce” – adding to the general perception that the stress was getting to me!!!

  414. I’d name her Jenny from the Brawk. My friends and I have a new game where we search for Beyonce look-a-likes. Being that we are also in Texas, it’s not that hard.

  415. Azul Copper …. get it? …Instead of Blue Carter? ….I am definitely the only one who thinks that is funny. But I would love the shit out of her! 🙂

  417. I… I’m thinking really really hard about an amazing name to give that chicken… This is a lot of pressure… There’s a lot riding on what I name this chicken and fucking HELL I want that chicken.
    My dog is already named Marty Doogie Howser McFly. Oh my god, I wasted my best name on my DOG! I have no foresight!

    Because I’m a hokey person who really likes puns and I’ve decided to go with:

    Eleanor Roostervelt (I’m sure y’all are clever enough to figure this out but I’ll tell you anyway -Eleanor Roosevelt)

  419. First time poster, long time lurker. I would name him Jacques Cousteau. I dont know why, just seems apprpriate.

  424. Since she is obviously Beyonce’s younger sister, I would have to call her Solange.

  425. Is it wrong that I’m already thinking up names for the wee Beyonce? So far, Beyonce the Smaller is the front runner. Or maybe Abraham Lincoln (I’ve been trying to get the children to name something Abraham Lincoln for the past 5 years, and they will not cooperate). Also, maybe, Charles.

    Also, I find Martin Van Buren creepy, and I am thinking of making some friends a baby head on a chain because I think that is something that would enjoy. Does a baby head on a chain make a good Valentine’s Day gift?

  430. I would definitely name this chicken Mungo. First of all it is an awesome name. How can you say it without practically shouting it in a baritone voice “Muuuuunnnnnngo”? Also, it is one of Hugh Grant’s middle names. And, it is the name that was chosen by our group for a friend’s new baby boy – which she is completely ignoring. So selfish, right?

  432. His name shall be Spork, and I shall love him with a passion that burns brighter than a thousand suns.

  434. As a woman who knows the difference between her hens and roosters – I can say that this is a rooster without a shadow of a doubt.
    I’d name him Bubba cause he looks white trash.

  437. I casually read your blog one night and thought, ” I finally found a new blog that I could enjoy and share with my “Victor” -his name is Gary. (Are you sure your hubby doesn’t have a long lost twin?) but no! HE is obsessed with your blog, Beyonce and it looks like now-Martin Van Buren! He would “pee himself silly” if I won Beyonce’s cousin…Pixie Sumsalot!! I would put her outside in an area where Victor, I mean Gary would see if and he could mutter..Knock Knock..Mother F*cker!!! 🙂 I wondered how 2012 could get better….Now I know…I want to win Pixie Sumsalot….ALOT!

  438. I have the perfect spot planned for “Duchess Catherine” in my new kitchen – on top of the cabinets looking down upon her kingdom. My chihuahuas, Daisy and Lily, will be jealous but they’ll just have to deal with it.

  439. I would name him Fred Armisan. Because 1…he rocks, and 2….it’s a bird and I could look at my computer desk and say…”put a bird on it” and BAM there would be Fred Armisan in bird form.

  444. I would name her Whitney Houston. She actually looks older than Beyonce. And the coloring and hairstyle are reminiscent of the iconic “I wanna Dance with Somebody” video. And mini-Beyonce clearly likes coke and is over trying to hide it. I’m sure she’d answer to Whitney!

  445. I’d name him Garden Speckleburg.
    I would put him on top of my desk at work, and when people come by and ask stuff I would answer in his voice, and insist they look at him while answering.
    “Look at Garden Speckleburg when he is talking to you, have you no notion of politeness?”.
    Also, when they come by with mail I would ask them to give it to Garden Speckleburg, since obviously he answers all my mail.
    I have a feeling my boss would love him. Hey, maybe he can ask for a raise for me? No boss, look at Garden. He’s doing the talking here.

  446. Oh my gosh, I’ve never wanted to win a give away more in my life! A mini metal chicken that isn’t towels. Yes please! And I’d name it Gangsta Boo. Though, unless you’re from Memphis, you probably won’t get the reference. “Where dem’ dollas at?”

  447. First of all, good call on Martin van Buren.
    Secondly, isn’t it obvious? That chicken’s name should be Paula Deen. Unless it’s a male, then it’s most certainly Wilford Brimley…Brimley for short…because he’s Paula Deen with a mustache. It makes sense to me.

  451. Bon Jovi- because even though he is short, he still makes a rockin’ impression!

  453. Martin Van Buren just made my day! That vignette is priceless.
    And I’d name that chicken Moe. I think. He kinda looks like a molled-up Billy-Bob, too.

  455. If I were lucky enough to win him, his name would of course be Count Andrew Von Chickenstein.

  458. I’d name it La-a. Just so every time someone saw it, I could say in a condescending voice, “It’s pronounced La-HYPHEN-a.”

  459. I’m pretty sure I’ve never actually needed an excuse for my weird decor choices. People just go with it because they think I know. That’s kind of the bonus to going to school for interior design. BUT, I do buy more towels than one person could ever need, so that excuse could come in handy should anyone ever choose to question my judgement on the matter.

    Mini-Beyonce would totally be called Rockadoodle if I was to win him (fingers crossed). This is to pay homage to one of the most AH-MAZ-ING childrens’ movies of all time. If you haven’t seen it, you must check it out (not that you’ll actually be able to find the dang thing anywhere. If you do, send that along with Rockadoodle for me.)

  460. my husband didn’t get what was so damn great about the Giant Metal Chicken and now my constant need to yell out “Where’s Beyonce when I need her?”. So, I am going for ‘Oliver Boliver Butt’. yes, I stole it from Dr. Seuss, but it definitely makes you smile when you say it!

  466. Since he looks sort of like Gandalf, I would have no choice but to name him Sir Ian Mckellen. It would be okay if you were to call him Sir Ian, though. As long as you don’t forget the Sir.

  470. I’d like to name it Bunnikins the Third, but my kids rename everything around here, so I can’t honestly say I know what its name would be after it got here. We would all love it very much, though, except for my husband.

  471. Hi – I am Casie Waller Tabanou’s sister (that’s how I came to stalk your blog). Oh how I love this chicken! Hmmm, whatever would I name her! Rhianna!
    I think Rhianna would work nicely for a mini Beyonce chicken!
    Also, I should tell you that I have a gorgeous (in my opinion) 11 year old daughter and for a while now I have been making a plan to spread rumors about myself to all the boys her age that I will cut any of her future boyfriends with a rusty metal chicken if they mess with her! I mean – who would want to date a girl whose mother has a reputation of cutting people with a metal chicken!!! All I need is the metal chicken to threaten them with!!!
    Have a great week:)

  472. I am somewhat speechless at the perfection of the Ducky the Vampire Slayer tableau, which is making it hard to come up with a clever/good/original name for the Baby Beyonce, should he come to live with me. I guess I’d have to go with O. Cock because I’m a big Top Gear fan and that would make me crack up on a daily basis.

  474. I was totally going to go with Gaylord Pembockton Asa Cluckster…long story, but my boyfriend decided we “didn’t need a damn metal chicken.” So I would name him Fucking Metal Chicken. Then when he shows up and I am reminded of our lack of need for a damn metal chicken, I’ll say, “He’s NOT a ‘damn’ metal chicken. Trust me.”

  475. Are you really going to read each and everyone of these comments? Does someone as fantastic as you have that much time on their hands?

    I don’t think I’ll think of a name, because I never win anything. I guess if I did win, I’d have to name him something. SO there you go. I’d name him Something.

  477. Jay C. I would name him Jay C and build him his own little coop on my deck where he can have his own space when he needs it. And some little sunglasses, because I live in South Carolina where it gets very sunny and hot in the Summer and I don’t want Jay C to wind up with macular degeneration.

  478. Oh, I’d probably call him Cock Block, except for when my mom’s visiting at which point he would be Clucker McNuggetstein.

  481. It is my husband who has the chicken obsession. I’ve shunned most, but would welcome this one into our new home we’re moving into next week with open arms.

    He can be the ruler of our chickens we’re going to have by spring, and watch over the coop we’re building.

    And I will name him Tupac Chick-ur.

  482. Clearly I would call my apartment size metal chicken Ferris Mewler…. or BritNAY… and yes you have to say it like that… 😀

    You dearling are full of awesome and there’s no way (based on things done to date) that I’d abandon you 🙂

  484. Since we’re talking obscure Presidents, I’d name him James Polk. (Btw, Martin Van Buren is a badass quacker!)

  488. I would name him Prosciutto, because my boyfriend can’t pronounce prosciutto properly, and it would be hilarious to hear him attempt to yell at me about a metal chicken whose name he can’t pronounce.

  491. What–you act as if you’ve never seen baby heads on spikes before. I live in southern CA, where weirdness is as ubiquitous as Starbucks, so this is not even remotely shocking. Admittedly, the duckling in the top hat does totally rock. And the chickens name should be “El Pollo Loco.”

  492. Kakow….So I may not have spelled that correctly but it is what I would say when I introduced it to my husband D…..I would say kakow motherfucker…..similar to what I yell out when playing rook with him and play my rook card which means I win and take all. Not a thing he can do about it. If I can’t have this one, can you get some more that I could buy?

  493. Pinkerton Marie. And I’m not concerned about the sex. This name goes both ways in my house.

  497. That is totally a Mariah, and he would look lovely in my small raised-bed veggie garden. Next to the rusty-metal flying pig-onna-stick.

  498. I actually have my own Aeon Flux but if I were to be picked, I would give it to my friend who was recently and suddenly “let go”. She could totally benefit from having a little Sir Cocks A Lot in her life, it would serve to remind her that at least it’s not towels!

  499. I would name it Guffaw because that is what I do out loud everytime I read your blog, much to the concern of my family. 😉

  506. He looks to me like an Achmed or maybe a Milo.
    Or Achmed de la Garcia de la Fuentes.
    Either way, he goes by “Jeb.”

  507. I love the disassembled doll parts, I have always wanted to make something using doll arms and hands…like a coat rack or something. And that rooster’s name is totally Ke$ha.

  510. Blue Ivy!! That seems too easy though. How about Kelly Rowland because clearly, she is the lesser to Beyonce coming out of Destiny’s Child.

  511. So… the amount of comments alone in the last 15 minutes almost crashed my work computer as I tried to post!

    So of course I would name him Doctor John Pemberton. I can’t tell if that’s creative or anal, given the most distictive metal pieces come from a Coco-cola sign/can… (Doctor John Pemberton invented Coca Cola…:) )

    Would love it for my new apartment. I’m living with a roommate for the first time in over 5 years and somehow I think this might just confound her and her decision to live with me.

  513. Since metal chickens are teaching tools, I’d name it Burnett after one of my favorite teachers, Mrs. Burnett.

  514. Aw, he’s so cute!! And I hope those baby heads don’t give me nightmares! I would name mini-Beyonce, Lorenzo Gonzalez the Great.

    P.S. How the heck does your comment section know the title to my last blog post???

  516. I would love to name him some other obscure presidential name like Franklin Pierce, but my son Jack would usurp me and name him Roman. After Roman the Rooster from our CSA. His name is Roman because he breaks loose every day and roams the entire farm. And steals food from us when we come pick up our shares. He loves Jack the most and Jack loves Roman. Go figure…

  518. I would name it Quakers, because I just love that name (don’t know what that says about me). I know this might be more appropriate for a duck, but I think the chicken could do the name justice!

  519. Sirrah Mandrake Ferdinand 2000 the 3rd. Who were his predecessors you may ask?
    Sirrah Mandrake Ferdinand 2000 Jr. and Sirrah Mandrake Ferdinand 2000 Sr. of the Ferdinand Dynasty, following their family line of numbered chickens who hail from the great and all-powerful Beyonce.

  521. I’d name her Cyndi Lauper, because the colors match and I AM THAT OLD.

    Here in Portland, taxidermy is hipster. A simple little taxidermied mousie can set you back a c-note. (I AM THAT OLD.) A clean mousie skull (they’re teeny-tiny) costs more than Martin Van Buren.

  522. I have no idea what I would name a miniature Beyonce (since Blue Ivy is already taken) but I can promise he’d have a home amongst the random deer that show up in my 50×200′ city lot, the raccoons that rip into the garbage cans, the enormous groundhog that mocks me from the woods at the back of our yard, and the red-tailed hawk that grabbed a mouse from my yard right in front of me one day. Did I mention I live in the city? I need metal-chicken-protection skills from all the real wildife that I’m scared of because I *live in the city.* So if you can come up with a relevant protection-racket-Godfatherish name for a chicken, I would love you forever. Hmmm. …. the Godfeathers? Maybe. It might work.

  524. I would take Baby B (short for Baby Blue, of course) and spread the metal chicken love all around the land of Baton Rouge, La. Specifically with my very prego, very easily annoyed friend who would be very annoyed when she finds a metal chicken on her doorstep, but she would quickly turn that frown upside down when she realizes there IS A SMALLmetal chicken on her doorstep. Pick me, pick me!!

  528. I would name it Wemet.

    DH: “What is that?”
    Me: “Wemet”
    DH: “I know we’ve met, what the h%ck is that?”
    Me: “Wemet, my super fabulous metal chicken”
    DH: “I don’t care that you met that chicken, why is it here?”
    Me: “Because someone who obviously cares more for me than you do thought I needed a metal chicken 😛 ”

    Just my thoughts 🙂 I loved your post, I am glad you are back!

  529. Tammy Faye Beaker, of course.

    Those big eyes, the drama in her short metal life, it makes perfect sense.

  532. I would name her Blue Ivy, obviously, because she is a baby Beyonce. I love you and can’t wait to get the book! When I try to read some of your blog posts, like this one, to my husband I laugh so hard that I can’t get through them.

  533. I would name him Benedict.

    My mom has a thing for metal chickens, she bought one the other day at Ross. It is her second.

  539. I would name him Wee-ancé, because he’s wee (like, an old time-y word for small) and like Beyoncé, hence:

    Wee-ancé

    Thank you for bringing the irrational love of metal chickens into my life ^_^

  540. I would name *HER* Lydette Lydew, because obviously she is a chicken in drag. That “Pick a Name” bit was super sneaky, no one but me even suspects her!

  546. She is Mrs. Colonel Mustard of course. I really hope she is still young enough to have tiny metal chicks!!!

  547. Obviously, his name would have to be Keith Richards. He’s indestructible and rather skinny. Also, I think he rocks.

  549. I don’t have time to read all the comments, so I hope this hasn’t been done already:

    ROOSTER COGFACE.

    (like anyone would use that).

  550. Love your blog!! I came across this today in my e-mail. Looks like there aren’t many PIPA and SOPA supporters at all.

    I would name the metal chicken Bartholemew. Beyonce and Bartholemew just has a nice ring to it.

    Legislators Dropping Support for PIPA and SOPA
    (January 18, 2012)
    More US legislators have announced that they are withdrawing their
    support for the house’s Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Senate’s
    Protect IP Act (PIPA). Citing concerns that the bills have moved forward
    too fast and that their provisions were overly-broad and heavy handed,
    legislators in both houses and on both sides of the aisle are moving
    away from support of the controversial legislation. Some on those who
    have withdrawn support were originally co-sponsors of the measures.
    Wikipedia and other websites went dark on Wednesday, January 18 in
    protest of the bills.
    http://www.scmagazine.com/senators-change-sides-on-sopapipa-issue/article/223719/
    http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2012/01/pipa-support-collapses-with-13-new-opponents-in-senate.ars

  551. I’d name him Buster Poindexter. It implies a certain level of intelligence, as well as a dash of whimsy. And now that “Hot, Hot, Hot” song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

  554. Off the top of my head, Sir Fellatio Cocktrotter. I could definitely come up with something better if I got to know him though. Also, I have a pet named Cat Benetar so I clearly know how to name things. This is why you should pick me.

  557. I would name him Charles the Second, because the mouse in my house who previously held the name Charles died, and I need a fancy man to take his place in my life.

  558. Hmm, a baby Beyonce… I’d either go with Blue Ivy…. or Rajesh Koothrappali ~ since Raj loves him some Beyonce.

  559. Bad-Ass MothaFucka. (Think Pulp Fiction) No need for an explanation…just look at it.

  560. I was thinking of naming him Chicken McChickerson, but my daughter insists on Fluffy. (S)he would look perfect next to the Tardis in my kitchen. I’ll even send pictures.

  561. I’d name him Rosie. Because I love vintage coke things and Rosie the Riveter, and with his blue & white that’s who he reminds me of.

  566. First of all, I can’t decide which set of pictures freaks out my Automatonophobia more: the baby doll heads or the stuffed duck.

    Secondly, I haven’t read any of the other comments so my mind can stay pure. If I win the metal chicken, I would call it Snaggle-Tooth McGee. Don’t ask where that name comes from. It’s not a particuarly nice story.

  567. Delightful Coincidence = Your post, featuring pictures of Baby Doll heads impaled on spikes/dangling on chains, magically appearing on the very morn my husband recounts the horrible nightmare (that woke him up at 4am and didn’t let him close his eyes again until dawn) featuring Baby Zombies that stopped eating him only if he smashed their Baby Zombie heads to a bloody pulp with a shovel.
     I, of course, immediately (and gleefully) forwarded your post to my exhausted and traumatized spouse. Thank You
    P.S. In an effort to make up for further tormenting my sweet man, I would name the rooster “Shane” or … “Baby Zombie Head”

  568. My 8-year-old, Ethan, insisted that I submit his name first: Cock a Doodle, the Rooster the Cats Hide Behind.

    I’m simpler, and prefer the presidential theme. I vote for William Henry Harrison, ’cause that guy just got gypped out of so many cool White House parties.

  570. the doll head photo is horrifying… and wonderfully artistic. Imagine the possibilities. Which, apparently you did…

    OK, so not that this has anything to do with anything, but my H’s cat is named Will Feral, and when I saw that your cat was named Ferris Mewler, I thought you might get how awesome I was… oh and my H hates the cat’s name, but I told him if he got to bring the cat home without my permission, I got to name the cat something awesome.

    crap, I just jacked your blog comments. Sorry.

  572. I’d name her Hilda Clark after first spokes person for coca cola who appeared in an advertisement in 1985.

  574. ok I did a search AFTER i posted and all those people that posted before me stole my name, so I change my entry to Lt. Belmont, the Brave.

  576. Princess Ortrud of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. Because nothing screams “regal” like a mini-metal chicken.

  578. I would name it Cher!! I would also take it to my friend’s house and leave it on her door step with a little sign that says ”Knock-knock, motherfucker!” 😀

  583. What is that collection of taxidermied heads on the wall? They totally distracted me from the metal chicken naming process!

    Must focus.

    Sassafras. Sassafras the little metal chicken.

  585. I’d name him Wally… ’cause my roomie has a problem with naming all cocks Wally and this is fer sure the bestest metal cock I’ve ever seen. Also? He shall look quite classy in the kitchen next to the drawing board with cocks on it (of the rooster variety… not the penile. Also? I’m not entirely sure penile is a word)

  586. If it’s a boy, Thaddeus. If its a girl, either Stella or Edith. It will really depend on his/her personality. Love your blog. Long time reader, first time responder. 🙂 Who WOULDN’T respond for a mini-Beyonce?

  587. Lady Bird Johnson (whose own nickname came from a brightly colored beetle. The insect. Not to be confused with the brightly colored Beatles – George, Ringo, John, and Paul.)

  588. Pot Pie. Because, really, besides metal that’s the best way to prepare a chicken.

  590. Obviously I’d name her Michelle Williams, because she’s a smaller and clearly less awesome version of Beyonce.

  593. Not that I really need another reason to freak the neighbors out but if I won I would totally name him Ichabod. Or he would go really well in my sewing room where I plan on making a mini Beyonce plush real soon.

  594. Cock n’ balls.

    Sorry, I played Bingo at a gay bar last night and have now seen everything. This was one of the bingo games we played that made me giggle all the way home to my husband. Who never questioned why I would want to play bingo at a gay bar. Or why I was wasted after 2 hours. Or why I was excited to win a Bad Husband VooDoo Doll. He won’t let me buy a metal chicken so I had to spend my money on the gay bingo game.

  595. For us, the obvious answer would be Oscar. Why? Well, we had three chickens living in our house (yes, it’s crazy here to – they are live, and not metal. Tell Victor he’s welcome.). One of them was a rooster. He crowed all day long. He took a trip to a farm about an hour away (no, he really did – we had him in a cat carrier. I’m not making this shit up), and proceeded to be eaten by a coyote. We have since replaced Oscar with a hen (no crowing here, damnit), but are missing the essential male-ness of a rooster in our house. Thus, this would be Oscar the second. Or, maybe the third, just to throw people off. Hmmmm….yes, Oscar the third.

  596. I’m sorry but I have to ask – is the BBQ fork featured in the second image part of the prize package?

    If yes:
    McSkewer

    If not:
    McSkewless

  597. Frederick Wilhelm! Because I live in Germany and he’s got a kick-ass castle here! I would totally introduce the European population to the big metal chicken!

  598. I would have to name him Fred. I was tempted to name him B*tch, because often I name chickens B*tch, but that’s only when they bite me and I hope that Fred wouldn’t bite me.

  601. Lyle Lovett. I cannot imagine it hasn’t been suggested, but it’s still what I would name him.

    Or Patrick.

  605. I’m a bit in love, and I think it’s obvious that that particular metal chicken is none other than Benedict Cumberbatch the Second. It’s practically written on his leg!

  607. I love the vampire-hunting duck scene! Awesome that you had all the ingredients on hand except for the duck.

    As for the mini-Beyonce, there are some who call him… Tim.

    I’m one of them.

  608. One of the problems with 1400 comment threads is that all the good jokes are taken. “Victor” sounded good, as this is all his fault, but so thought 113 other people. I thought of “Leonard”, as in Cohen, a perfect foil for a Beyonce, but the chicken isn’t old enough yet. “Serge” might do, but if Lenny’s taken then the little guy must be a Squiggy.

    Inductive mathematics can prove it.

  610. I would name that metal chicken Victor and he would live on my porch.

    True story: When I was pregnant, my daughter wanted to name her unborn brother Hot Cheesy.

  611. Chanticleer – because he’s clearly an Elvis impersonating metal chicken and I need one of those to make me furiously happy dammit. Yeah, that’s right, I’m gonna reference an animated movie from the 90’s that NObody remembers but me.

  612. Yup, need that. My Victor, whose name is actually Richard, would love to have that. He actually said “We need to have a metal chicken on that drop-leaf table in the living room window”. And by “said”, I mean, “thought”. Yes, I can hear his thoughts.

  613. I would clearly have to name him Coke-a-Doodle-Doo, because he already has the “Cola” part written on him. He sort of names himself.

  614. I would name it Basement Baby after what my favorite celebrity website calls Beyonce’s younger sister.

  618. He looks very regal and important. In our house he would be Lord Cluckington, I’m sure he would be best friends with Sir Waddelsworth the stuffed Penguin. (who was named by his 2 1/2 year old keeper)

  619. I am humbled by the cleverness of your followers, but my hopes are not yet dashed that my Lint Teddybear and his sidekick, Toenail Candle, will soon have a playful metal friend to keep them company, Snicker Doodle Badass Doo.

  620. I will name him George, and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and then I will spend the next six hours in the emergency room until the doctors can stop the blood loss but the scarring will be so awful I’ll have to have reconstructive surgery but it won’t matter because George’s awesomeness is worth it.

    Or maybe Fluffy.

  621. I think it needs to be Blue Ivy…after all, Beyonce is the mother of the metal chicken craze….

  622. That cock is begging to be called Stormageddon, Master of All He Surveys.

    But don’t they all.

  623. Reginald “The Tetanus” Monroe.

    Because he’s both regal AND dangerous.

    Except when company is over, I’d refer to him as “Sir Reginald”, because it’s a more formal occasion and I have SOME manners. Also, you don’t really want to mess with someone who’s nickname is “The Tetanus” – you never really know what they’re capable of. I’m sure he has a good heart and maybe he’s had a hard-knock life, but you’d probably still not feel quite comfortable turning your back to him. I mean, that nickname probably isn’t a coincidence…

  625. Blue Ivy does seem.like the obvious choice but I would have to go with Tim Curry based on his fab role in Annie. Of course. And the fact that this appears to be more rooster than chicken.

  626. Vizzini. That way you can go around quoting lines from the Princess Bride. And every time Victor says something with which you don’t agree, you can just say “Inconceivable!” Bet yet, if he tells you that you don’t need new towels…. INCONCEIVABLE!

  627. I don’t know why, but Kelly Ripa was the first name that came to my mind. So, I’d probably just stick with that. Tom Brady is a close second, mostly because I like how “God, shut up Tom Brady” sounds in my head.

  628. Kevin. Because my betta fish was named Kevin but he died and we had a fish funeral for him and everything but I’m still not ready for a “real” pet again because I can’t even keep my plants alive. And because Kevin was named after the huge female bird in the movie “Up” and because this metal chicken kind of looks like that bird too. So I would totally name him Kevin and smile a lot when I saw him sitting on the counter where my Kevin’s bowl used to be but where there is now just a big empty space because I won’t let anyone put stuff there because that was where Kevin used to live. Oh, Kevin.

  629. Well.
    From the number of comments it is obvious that lots of people want to win “mini-Beyonce-who-is-yet-to-be-named”.
    Meh. I can take or leave mini-Beyonce.
    What I love, love, love so hard that it has me dying from the cuteness is the “Ducky the Vampire Slayer” scene.
    DYING FROM THE CUTENESS!
    Where can I get me a teeny tiny coffin, stake and vampire slayer kit, complete with crucifix and holy water?

  630. I fully believe I would name that glorious chicken Elvira. She’ll be like a dream catcher only ten times more bad ass and fights away all those nightmares about vampire hunting ducklings.

  631. I will name him Sir Wallace Shawn and will give him a train to drive, since he is obviously a conductor chicken.

    Do you drive trains? I think you just make them “go” and “stop”. That’s not really driving. So I will give him a train to go and stop. Whatever the word for that is. He will conduct it. Like a boss.

  632. I have a taxidermic piranha named Julius Caesar and he would just love a friend. I would name her Cher.

  633. Well since we already have a cat named Monkey Joe, I’m going with “Chicken Jane”. 🙂

  635. Oh!!!! I must have him! I would name him Elvis, and give him an Elvis wig, and randomly place him around the house just to torment my fiance who HATES Elvis and just cannot understand why I NEED an Elvis impersonator to marry us after we’ve rode our Harley down the isle at the Chopper Chapel to get married. Nor can he understand why I must have a 5′ metal chicken!

  637. I would name him…. cockadoodle did! or Weldy McCockson! or Rooster Oglethorpe! you pick which you like best I am blessed with this incredible homemade, spot welded, Americana, primitive, piece of farm/pop culture art. Love your blog, love the leprosy monkey the most (I would have snapped him up in a minute) and the hugging/strangle line is a fav among my friends and I. Keep on keeping on despite the difficulties that you have written about…. you have an effect. xo

  638. Dolly Levi…although I very much LOVE Chanticleer @Nicki, because I DO remember that movie. 🙂

  640. Baby Chickie Bogle, no questions asked. This may also be the name a coworker has given to her future granddaughter who, from the ultrasound, looks like a baby chicken. Seriously.

  641. Because we have a cat named Tinkerbell, and becuase the chicken is so clearly sharp and pointy, his name would of course have to be Capt’n Hook.

  644. If that picture of Beyonce’s younger (and smaller) sibling was taken at your house, the WE HAVE THE SAME GRANITE COUNTERTOPS! OK, yours are shaped differently but they’re the same color and pattern and such. See? We’re obviously twins, separated at birth. And by about 20 or 30 years, but still …

  645. I would total name this dude “Cha-Cha Chicken Cola-bola” and I sing to him, “What Cola-bola wants, Cola-bola gets, and Cola-bola wants doormats and fleece!”

    Because if the song made sense, what would be the point?

  646. Slick Lickins. Not really sure why but it seemed appropriate.

    Oh and you SERIOUSLY need to get a cameo on that show Oddities!!!!! Wonder if we can get some sort of write in campaign.

  647. Cock so that I can always refer to him as “My favorite Cock.” Conversations would I mprove as I dropped his name when er I could. “I was just sitting awpund with my favorite cock….”

  652. The obvious choice is Ivy Blue since it’s Beyonce’s fake baby but I guess that “fungus green” would be my pick. Lame I know but I’m lame.

  654. Oh, he needs to come live with me, my life is in desperate need of him… name tbd…

  655. That chicken is very clearly Woody Allen.

    And although I need to add Woody to my own personal collection of weird, I am totally coveting your duckling Marten Van Buren – Vampire Hunter. Because who doesn’t need one of those?!

    You always find the coolest stuff.

    If I don’t win Woody Allen – I hope the winner loves him as much as I would.

  656. I would name it after my MIL…that way when the bitch pisses me off , I can smack the shit out of the chicken in her honor

  660. Clearly his name is Former Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher. Duh. Anyone with an eye can see he’s in drag.

  661. “Scooby”
    And I could feed him holy shitsnacks if he could ever figure out how people like us get so lucky to have husbands like ours that love us despite our tendancies towards crazyville.

  666. I would name it Coco Mendez because the last time I went to a funeral the funeral director’s last name was Mendez and after engaging in conversation with her she quickly said “No, I’m not related to Coco Mendez” and I was like “Huh? Who is Coco Mendez?” and she was all “You know, that woman that committed all those murders in this area” and I said “Oh, well I’m from out of town and just here for the funeral so I never heard of her” and she was all “Oh, sorry. I just get that question a lot.” And since then, I desperately need something to call Coco Mendez. It’s like it was meant to be…

  668. I would name it GANDALF (capslock mandatory) so that when my fiance and I hopefully get real chickens this year, I could set GANDALF out to inform all of the coyotes and whatnot that they SHALL NOT PASS.

  669. I would name him “Desperado,” because who among us does not love a lil Eagles soft rock reminding us to “come to our senses”? Also in memoriam of my Beta fish in college

  670. I must say, and if someone said this already I apologize, cause I’m at work and I’m trying to get this comment in before anyone notices I’m not working…
    Cock-A-Cola…..

  672. I would name him Wilma after my great grandmother that once stole a baby chicken from her neighbors as a pet for me when I was 11. I named my baby chicken Myrtle thinking she was a hen but she was actually a he. It turned out that chickens aren’t the best pets to have living on the side of a mountain in Colorado so my parents sent him to live on a farm down the mountain. I’m not sure if Myrtle ever actually made it to a farm.

  673. my friend calls me Seyonce because I dance like Beyonce (only when drinking) and my name starts with an “S” she, my friend, also drinks and screams Seyonce at the top of her lungs when she sees me. Seriously. That is all.

  676. I want that chicken. i NEED that chicken. And I would name him Chickenhead because Denis Leary said if we get a chicken, we could name it Chickenhead.

  677. I’d have to name it Mercutio De La Cluck. Mercutio’s name is related to the word “mercurial,” meaning, “having an unpredictable and fast changing mood.” What better name for it than moody chicken. lol Then when the husband is telling me I am being moody, I can just say that it is really Mercutio De La Cluck who is in the mood and projecting.

  678. I would name him Roger McChicken. Roger, because that’s his name. McChicken to remind him he’s a chicken.

  679. I recently got a new job and my bosses, shortly there after, purchased an enormous long horned cow head to go in our conference room. Their shopping trip made me think of the Beyonce shopping trip and I thought they would appreciate the post so I emailed them the link. They didn’t think it was funny and now I’m pretty sure they think I’m kinda weird. So, I would love to give this mini Beyonce a home. On my desk. In my office. At work. To confirm my weirdness. I’d name her James Brown.

  681. Also I’m willing to trade a hand painted wooden duck, with a blue flower motif for Cock-A-Cola as well. As he currently resides in the back of my linen closet out of shame.

  682. tell Ferris Mewler that his modeling is awesome! As for the mini-Beyonce… I’m pretty sh!tty with names lately, so it would probably just be babyB … because it’s fun to say.

  683. He kind of looks like he is a mail man so I would call him Max. Because all mail men are named Max right?

  684. I would name him Sting because he’s just that awesome. Thank you for providing my days with just the right level of fun 🙂

  685. I’d have to name her “Knock knock” because whenever I need a smile that post w/the giant metal chicken on the doorstep always makes me snort coke out of my nose. (The drinky Coke btw, not the other kind, that could also come out of your nose but we’re not going there.) P.S. I LOVE Ferris Mewler. I have 5 cats. I’m the crazy cat lady your momma warned you about.

  686. I would totally name him Albie Einstein!

    Then I would take that motherfucker everywhere but not to a restaurant that serves chicken because that is just plain rude!

  687. I would name him Filmore St. Brutus-O’Hare. He has two gay dads. They love him terribly and were able to bless him with his impeccable fashion sense.

  689. Maude…definitely Maude.
    Either because of Bea(k) Arthur or the movie Harold and Maude. Your choice 🙂

  690. Chiropedes Jones is the little rooster’s name. And it would sit next to my Bloggess “Be Nice” mug at work.

  696. I would name her Lisbeth because she would look boss with a dragon tattoo. I’ll get to work on it as soon as she arrives.

  698. Ohhh, I love him! I would name him Fred Van Chickenwing of course! Pick me, pick me! Fred Van Chickenwing would make me smile with joy every day and totally annoy my husband, lol!

  699. I would have to go with Mr Darcy. He is such a proud looking cock with his blue tail feathers and all. My hens would be swooning over him all day.

  700. …. Hmmm, Mademoiselle Emily du Cloquesville. Because every now and again a chick has got to get FANCY!

  703. Jon Bon Jovi. Everyone needs to pass by Jon at least once a day and swoon and rock out “Shout to the Heart and your’e to blame!” And since my mom made me take down my JBJ circa 1983 poster a few years ago I’ve been really blue.

  704. I would call her “The Grand Duchess Anastasia” and sit her outside on the porch for when my husband goes out to smoke so he stops because “The Grand Duchess Anastasia” is a lady…no one should smoke in front of a lady.

  707. I was going to go with Jay Z, but then I decided since it’s so small Blue Ivy is the only way to go. Though maybe Lady Gaga is more appropriate.

  708. I NEED one of those chickens.

    Not want, NEED.

    That is all.

    (and I’d probably let my 5 year old name him)

  709. I think I am in love with MVB the vampire slayer. He should be Buffy’s BFF 😛

    Since Dr Evil had Mini-Me, I think I would name the chicken Mini-Be 🙂
    Oh- and BTW- my husband and I are always hasving conversations about the *shit* I buy (his term, not mine). I need the damn chicken 😀

  713. I’d name him captain cock. Because the only thing more entertaining than the 4 year old’s obsession with pretending to be a woodpecker (which involves shrieking I AM A PECKER!) would be her asking people if they want to see her cock.

  714. I was going to come up with something funny like a towel company’s name, but then I read Leslie’s post about Michael Jackson and I think she should win.

    Hope you saw Cake Wrecks today. I commented that the last doll pictured would make a wonderful companion for Copernicus 😉

  715. Holy SHITSNACKS! It’s Bartholomew McDougal! Whom is not on coke, yet made of coke… Evil ploy? Sure, but I’m along for the ride!

  719. Well, obviously he’ll remind people of a certain Sesame Street character.

    Snuffleupagus.

  720. Elton John… hear me out.

    1. This is like a mini version of Beyonce, which immediately made me start singing “Tiny Dancer”. EJ (the obvious nickname)is practically begging to be held closer, assuming you have band aids handy, that sucker looks sharp!

    2. I fairly certain that Elton has at least once in his life worn an outfit that looks just like this.

  723. I’m just curious.. is this market anywhere near where they filmed ” The Hills Have Eyes” ? Because it looks like the same sort of people live there.

  725. Ive been reading for a while. Love your posts! I had to do a double take when I saw you in the SOPA/PIPA video. You were way more soft spoken than I imagined! Posts like this one with a vampire hunting taxidermic duckling must really throw people off! 🙂
    Beyonces story is still one of the funniest stories I have read on a blog. I sometimes use the big giant metal chicken threat when my own husband disagrees with my purchases (often). We have a store in my town that sells Beyonce clones. I’m waiting for them to go on sale, I kid you not. I’ve got a spot in my garden for it. Every time I pass the store, I laugh. I’m waiting for the day when I, too, can say “knock knock, mutherfucker”.

    Mmy initial name for the mini Beyonce would have been Blue Ivy. But it looks like a boy to me.
    As such, I think it would be hilarious to name him Victor.

    Thanks for a fun giveaway! Long live Beyonce 🙂

  729. I would name him Rooster Rufus, Jr. because his dad’s name was Rooster Rufus (the first, of course).

  731. I’m pretty sure I would have to name him/her Lucy. It’s got kind of a Lucille Ball look to it, but then again, it has Phyllis Diller’s coloring.

  732. Blue Ivy or Solange seem like easy choices… but then I have a Shakespere theme in my house so Lady Macbeth seems appropriate too 🙂

  733. Anniversary Present Asshole

    Explanation and name all in one.
    We got married on April Fools, clearly we are nuts, and I must win.

    AND I bought him a Tardis for Valentines, thanks to you. He rambled in his blog post (that he doesn’t think I read) that he wanted one…and it would be the greatest thing in the world if he had one, so I am trying to make his dreams come true -on a budget.

  737. I think it’s quite obvious that this gem of a baby chicken needs to be named Blue Ivy.

  739. You know, this beats the hell out of my recent post where I went to a very similar trade day, but instead of baby heads there were many [probably used] panties and dangerous power tools. No joke. But we bought some shady flea market cheese so it was all good.

    Anyway, I would totally name that chicken Tallulah Bankhead. He/she just has that air about him/her. Sassy thing.

  741. Was going to go with Blue Ivy but figured that would be the obvious choice.

    Clucky Bueller

  744. HOLYSHITSNACKS! Over 2,600 comments? That’s some steep competition there. Let’s see, I could call him R.C for the cola written on his side. (I haven’t read all 2,600 comments so please forgive me if I repeat anything.) Cock Robin?—-no, he’s dead…… Or how about Cocka Doodle Doo? Truthfully, I’d probably call him Roseanne Roseannadanna. I think Gilda Radner would have appreciated that. And he looks like a cross-dresser anyway, so he needs a girly name. Rosanne Roseannadanna Rooster. Yep, that works.

    I WANT him!

  746. I used to nail dollheads to the wall, because it was cheaper than buying paintings or framing prints. Also, because I thought it was funny. My now ex-husband did not find it nearly as funny as I did.

    If the metal chicken lived in my apartment, I would call him Egglebert Humperchick.

    (Yeah, it’s really no surprise to anyone that I’m not married any longer.)

  747. Well I’d name it Horatio of course. To go with Carlos whom already resides next to the fireplace. Inside. Staring at us. And whom the children love…. and I digress, but they’ve taken up big metal chicken hunting ASS well and I have several shots of them with the ones about town (one is 9ft tall! SQUUEEEEEE! The chicken, not the child. that would be insane.) And every my husband- though ex, the rat bastard- still sends a random metal chicken picture text to me when he finds them in his travels, because though the marrisge was lost, the humor was not.

    Fingers crossed!!!!!!

  748. “candida!” because we could make it together. the further from here girl the better. where the air is fresh and clean.

    that or “pepsi.”

  749. Should this glorious chicken become mine, I would name him Ron Burgundy. A little rough around the edges, but overall, just completely badass.

  752. Beytwice… but I don’t have a Victor, I have a Nathan. Nathan would be more accepting of towels… more towels.

  753. I would name it Lady Gaga! My husband would HATE the name and the chicken…. which means I must Have it!! Oh this would just be awe.some!

  754. I’ve always liked the name “Urhines” (pronounced “Your Highness”). Either that or “biyardi” (spelled BIRD). I can’t decide.

  756. Julia McQuacken
    My husband and I moved in together in 2006. That day I tried to buy a cute iron chicken to be our door stop b/c a: chicken(!) and b) it was adorably incongruous with our home. He refused. He took the chicken hid it and thus began the great Chicken Wars(dun dun dunnnn). We married in 2008 and were given the most awesome brass chicken leg candle sticks. I have been trying to bring a metal chicken in to our house since the month before we were married, but could find none that fit in our apartment when Mike was not there (the Chicken War (dun dun DUNNNN) is covert).

    should I win Julia, she will live in my kitchen in a miniature hat and some other form of disguise. McQucken is also part of her disguise (and will make mike shake his head.)

    I live in San Antonio, so if you have not posted where the sale was, will you so I may go get one? Thanks!

  757. I thought his name was Angelica Jolie, but when I asked him he said, “She’s too boring. And skinny.”
    (He’s a picky chicken.)
    “Victor Fluffy?” I asked.
    “Nope. Too obvious.”
    “Metallica Solange?”
    “One Knowles in the family is enough.”
    “How about Steven Tyler? You could get your American Idol on…”
    “Hmmm…. A little better, but he’s too old. And plucked.”
    I looked him up and down, one more time. “I know. It’s obvious: You’re Katy Perry.”
    Yah baby.
    He clucked, he preened, he did the chicken dance with Ferris Mewler and he said, “I got a name — and I like it.”

  760. Alejandro, cause Lady Gaga saw him and went so gaga over him that she had to write a song about him. The duck totally rocks! I had to forward it to a friend of mine and then we laughed our asses off over it.

  764. Al. But you’d pronounce it “owl” because that’s what he told me his name is and really you can’t argue about things like that. Besides, he’s SOUTHERN. Of course you pronounce his name with an ACCENT.

  768. Or I will name him George and I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him….and pat him and pet him and rub him and caress him and…..

  771. My house is very close to my neighbors – so close that when we moved in, there were tall hedges separating them… my neighbor Jane, cut them down one day while we were at work (she left a note ‘hope you don’t mind’ – guess what, WE.DO….) and now she sits, facing out the window (that looks directly at our house/driveway with the window open ALL.THE.TIME.

    If I had a mini-Beyonce, that I would name ‘Mirror’ (sounds like a child of Michael Jackson I think) I would set her up to face Jane outside the window.

  774. Spartacus….totally a badass name for a rooster strutting around on rebar legs! He’s so emmer-effing awesome!

  776. I would name him Sir Abercrombie Ganglefinger The Third. And I NEED that chicken. See, my hubby turns 50 this year, and he’s wanting a special present. But he picked last year to forget my birthday (yet AGAIN), so I’m refusing to acknowledge his birthday. I think Sir Abercrombie would always help him remember my birthday. And our anniversary – which he also forgets.

  778. The artist formerly known as Prince? Then again he kinda favors Steven Tyler. Or Mick Jagger. I’m just sayin……….

  781. First of all, you just always make my day! As I was sharing this with my husband and telling him about the metal chicken contest, he immediately said, ‘ I would name him Arthur Cluck, as in the character in book, THE STRANGE DISAPPEARANCE OF ARTHUR CLUCK’ So, he would be named Arthur Cluck and he would live in FL with Gerard the gargoyle.

  783. The dolls look like they came from that creepy kid in Toy Story.

    Since it’s a baby Beyonce, I’d have to name her “Blue Ivy”. I’d hang blue ivy on her blue wings for effect. And I’d never be blue looking at her.

  784. His name is ROGER WELDINGTON and I really need to win him so I can leave him on my bestest neighbors door step and then her husband can come to the door and say “what the hell is this” and she can squeal with delight when she see’s it. Then her husband will sneak it over and leave it on my door step because he doesn’t want it in his yard and I will giggle when my husband curses about the metal chicken and mumbles about that crazy Bloggess lady that I am always raving about. He will then sneak off in the night to leave Roger on the neighbors doorstep. This will go on for years and it will be great because then both my bestest neighbor and I will get to have a metal chicken and our husbands can’t do anything about it because it will not be our fault!

    PS….I am both delighted and freightened by Martin Van Buren! Just the way I like it.

  785. Stannus Tinnitus for the chicken.

    And I love Martin Van Buren. I obviously need to make better dioramas with my 200 rubber duckies…

  787. Can I just say that I admire and aspire to have myself a miniature vampire impaling kit because I think everyone should have that. Complete with holy water. I think though if I had myself a Beyonce, I would name it Sir Rodrego Jermajesty of Cockfuckerea. He was supposed to be a baron but that was stolen from him and he is reduced to knight. Cockfuckerea is like that.

  791. I’m going to name him Fernando and he shall become the mascot of our research laboratory.

  792. I’d name him Punky Rooster, and he’d live in my yard in glory, as he should. Hopefully you have made it through the other 2,468 comments ahead of mine, and no one has already come up with this name, because I’m pretty sure that’s what he WANTS to be called, and my yard is his destiny.

  793. “Chester Wigginbottoms II”

    …but how can you choose with over 2500 comments?? Awesome post. Love the pics from the market. You need to silent auction off a “Day with The Bloggess”!! You’d make a fortune for a favorite cause.

    Happy Furiously Happy Day!

  794. Pretty sure I’d name my new bird Syphilis. We’d call him Phil for short. That’s how my husband *almost* got his name.

    True story.

  796. Dr. Von Worceshire. Because Sir Shimpington III (stuffed shrimp wearing a tophat that I found at a thrift store for a buck fifty) needs an equally fancy friend. Also because it’s pretty much impossible to say.

  797. Did anyone else notice that Keanu Reeves is totally photobombing the baby head photo? Right next to the demon having the panic attack. Come to think of it, Keanu’s head is probably WHY the demon is having a panic attack!!!

  798. First off, I’d name the mini-chick “Crazy-F’n-Blog-Chicken.” Secondly, since I have started to read this blog, I will be randomly drive through North Georgia and see 6-foot-tall metal chickens ALL OVER THE PLACE (no CLUE why, but I’m constantly tempted to buy one!) and in my mind I think to myself “That’s a crazy f’n blog chicken!!!” because I do NOT have an income and if I do bring home the 6 foot version, *my* “Victor” would go full on apesh*t, I think the Mr. Mweller size one would be perfect for my abode. (Though I am still searching for a tight-ropewalker! . . . that one is the supah-shizz!)

  800. I would name him Jenny from the Bock. Jenny for you and Bock for his chicken friends. Bock bock.

  802. I would name the chicken Pedro in honor of my pug Pedro Puggy Shanchez. The reason behind this is that when I walk him around the neighborhood, I sing “If you like it then you really should have peed on it” to the tune of Beyonce’s Single Ladies. I think it helps remind him about the main reason we are walking, for him to check his pee-mail. If nothing else, I entertain the neighbors because I do a little dance and am the strange 10 month pregnant lady walking her pug and singing about peeing to him.

  804. Because HR Puffinstuff, really is a character already, and without a Cisco it’d be wrong to name him Pancho, and because my husband says I have to stop claiming everything as his child…even if they are a cat, or a metal chicken (Though J Theodore Meyer the 4th has a nice ring to it), Wilmington B. Vanvalkenburg.

    Yup, that’s his name. Wilmington B. Vanvalkenburg.

  805. I would name him Cock’a~Cola. If that’s too dirty, I might go with Fluffy.

  806. Since my other metal chicken’s name is Victor, I was thinking Bloggess. But I’d probably name him after my wonderful, crazy friend, Julie.

  807. Duncan Trewren. It’s a family name, and I don’t have any kids. Plus my cats already have names, and one day I will have a dog and name him Guybrush. So every pet I plan to have already has a name, What else can I give Duncan Trewren to? Also, it has CAN in the name, so it’s funny because he’s made of metal and so are cans, and it has WREN in the name which is also a kind of bird and so is a chicken.

  809. I’d go with Dame Lucy Finkelstein because I’ve been wanting to name my cat that for ages. But I don’t have a cat and I’m allergic so a metal chicken is a much more suitable pet, actually.

  811. A) I wish I could follow you around to witness these stories in real life. I would probably die of laughter after about 5 minutes
    B) I would name him Ficus Orange, in honor of Beyonce’s baby, Ivy Blue

  815. I’d name it, “Awesome Chicken” so that when I gave the tour of my home I could say, “And here is the Awesome Chicken. Plus, the hubby would probably hate it so making him call it awesome would be like a double bonus.

  816. Some people call him a mighty warrior; the Daleks know him as the Oncoming Storm. His true name is scattered among the stars; you can call him simply The Abattoir.

    That’s right, bitches. Lil Beyonce is a TIME ROOSTER (time cock, if you’re nasty).

  817. Okay, so it’s not the HDTV Home theater dream house an $500,000 cash that I was hoping for, but I still want the chicken!

  819. I would name him Mike, after Mike the Headless Chicken.

    The doll part of your blog reminded me of Jonathan Coulton’s “Creepy Doll” video. If you haven’t seen it yet, you MUST watch 😛 It could be the theme song for your haunted doll house.

  820. Your awesome flea markets/street sideshows are going on my “pro” list for another reason for me to move to the South! Maine is a cold, dirty world with no Beyonce’s or freak shows in sight – although we do have your beloved Stephen King and he was a teacher at my high school!

    If I win, I would totally name it Attila the Hen as she looks totally bad ass.

  823. And I would name him Gurdjieff, if I could figure out how to spell it. Or Dag Hammerskjold (again with the spelling).

  825. Well, seeing as though I had to scroll for 45 minutes to get down here, I’m guessing my chances are pretty slim, but I’d name her Chiquita. And I’ve been hounding you for a desk-sized Beyonce for months now. Plus we’re buying a house with an office, and the office needs a metal chicken. And, basically, I’ll cry if I don’t have a desk-sized metal chicken on the desk in my new office.

  826. I would name him Norman Schwartz Cock…cause he just looks like a stormin’ Norman to me

  827. Her name would have to be Chick Filly Yay, because it’s obvs a rooster in drag. Faboosh! I’d enter a video for her for the next season of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, (which she would win, because she is FIERCE!) and her stage act would be singing “Single Ladies” (Put a c*ck ring on it) and she would cluck the chorus. The only thing missing is a Beyonce wig. Easy enough to get for a metal chicken, I’m sure 🙂

  828. I imagined Victor rolling his eyes as you bought Beyonce’s cousin.

    So in his honor,
    I immediately thought that he should be named ” Vincent Van DOH”

  830. This blog post definitely made it up to us – especially the vampire killing duck!

    As for the chicken – his name should be “Fergal McClucksky” – Fergie for short

  834. I would name her Mrs. McBawk. And I need her here in my office to keep me on my tasks. I think if she is here with me, that would fix the addiction I have of reading your blogs as opposed to doing my JOB. 🙂 Mrs. McBawk ROCKS!!!

  835. I like the chicken, but I would gladly take the cat as a boobie prize should you decide to give him away.

    I was going to say Hen Solo, but I see someone already called that one so I guess I’ll go with Aloysius.

  837. my best friend of ten years and i took a week-long vacation in san francisco this summer, sans kids and significant others. while there we rented a bright yellow go-kart to tour the city in (who knew you could even do that??) and then proceeded to drive through the city blasting 80s music and waving at tourists like we were in a parade. we named her beyonce in your honor. later that week we upgraded our standard rental to a black convertible to drive up to napa, called her beyonce’s sister and decided to name her pricilla.

    long story short, i would name this new mini-beyonce PRICILLA in remembrance of that wonderful, carefree week. 🙂

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/b4kedscr0d/6051747980/

  839. I would name him Leonard Cohen. There’s is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in. Oh and a Beyonce-Leonard Cohen union would be the best. I can’t even fathom what the baby would look like. The anticipation would be killer.

  840. I’m thinking “Blue Ivy” … or it was it “Ivy Blue” ?? … because, obviously.
    If it comes down to it, I suppose I can ask Dr. Google the name.

  844. Could there be any better name than:

    Jenny Shitsnacks???

    If it’s not used for the chicken, I may name my next child or pet that.

    So, save my child/pet and choose me!

  845. So I have no idea how the hell you plan on reading all those names then deciding. I read about 50, discovered I had a headache, and moved to the end. That is what I am hopin you will do, although I presume 2500 more suggestions will be made before it is all said and done. Bless you. Anyhoo, if you should pick me, Balthazar would have a fantastic home in my new nursery. See, I named a metal chicken, but can’t name this kid. He will love his pal Balthazar though. And they will be life long buddies. Who can resist that?

  846. Frank, its not super original, but everything in our house, from small (slightly borken nosed) gargoyle to overwhelmingly large aloe plant, is named frank

  850. Why, I would name him Raul, of course. I’ve always wanted a pool boy Raul. But lets face it, I don’t have a pool so I have no need for a pool boy. But Raul is such a fun name to say, it would be a waste to not name something that. An apartment sized metal chicken would be perfect!

  853. I love him. Perfect for an urban city dweller such as myself. I shall name him Coca Cola-Doo.

  857. Cluck Norris. Because he’s a bad-ass muther-clucker from Texas.

    “Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Cluck Norris is called Logic”
    “Some magicians can walk on water, Cluck Norris can swim through land.”

  859. I kinda get the heads on a pike doll station at the market. What I don’t get is WHAT is Mrs. butter worth doing there!!!! This is kinda like the game of, “One of these things is not like the other?”

    The Chicken, BTW, is “Fork you!”

  860. We keep getting these posts where Jenny wants to buy something and Victor protests. So it occurs to me that Victor must succeed occasionally, otherwise he would have given up long ago. Just take a moment and think about what Jenny hasn’t purchased because Victor stopped her…

    Could be anything.

  865. Foddy Wallowitz.
    It’s a name deserving of something so buck-buck-buckAW-some.
    Plus my son’s giant stuffed dog is already named Bob Barker (or Charles Barkley on the days my brain doesn’t work)…

  868. Etta Chicken. Because Etta James needs more due! Or Etta Otis Chicken. He needs his due too. Love your stuff Jenny!

  869. I would name him Morgan Freeman because I like things that only reach their prime later in life– Morgan Freeman didn’t find smash success til after 50 yrs old, and this rooster (hen? dunno, didnt check….) looks like he/she is in the 2nd good chapter of life.

  873. I think I would name him Raoul…Unless it’s a girl, & then I would call her Prissy.

  875. Robin. B/c I have one exactly like him, Batman, in my kitchen. They would make a great pair. Canton Trade Days?! Yeah, I thought so. 🙂

  877. I would suggest Blue Ivy Carter, but I’ll bet at least 25 of the 2856 comments before mine suggest that. How about Beulah Snell, which not only is a fabulous roadside diner waitress name, but also the alleged name of the spammer who wants me to buy cheap Canadian erection drugs.

  878. Dear Bloggess,
    I do not want this chicken for myself, as this would be selfish (or shelfish or something) I would like it for my wife who would love it and cuddle it and name it (though probably not george or fred). Were I to name the chicken, it would probably be John Wayne, or maybe Johnny Appleseed, or Nicola Tesla… I couldn’t name it Buffalo Bill because then all I would think is about putting lotion on it… but anyway my wife would probably name it Because she is the one who would love, and cuddle it… I read to her your post about cornelius, and she scared her cat into a fit of psychogenic allopecia with her gales of laughter.

    So don’t give me this chicken, give it to my wife who injures her cat every time I read her one of your blog posts.
    -Jasen (half of a pair of fans)

  879. I hate to break it to everyone, but my chicken (pictured above) is named Pat Sajak.

  880. I would name it Stinky Marshmellows. Why? Because that is what I wanted to name my adopted Terriers. “Stinky” and “Marshmellow”. But my straightlaced, super serious, former Army Officer now Engineer who moved my ass to East Bumble*** (Actually, just Oklahoma, but for a Jersey girl thats bad) was not down for it. I have been searching, and searching for Stinky Marshmellows and when I saw this chicken I fell in love! I must have it in my house. In all of my weird, rural Oklahoma market searches I have yet to come across heads on spikes and chains, but when I do, I will be getting the hell out of dodge. A girl can only take so much… I need Stinky Marshmellows to console me and remind me it could be much worse, I could go to the market and find Barbie and friends impaled and decapitated. Sad face 🙁

  882. I know it’s not that exciting of a name but, I would name him Steve. After the human skeleton that was in my high school science class. We were good friend, he uses to hold my jacket for me and he would make sure nobody messed with my lunch. I do miss him. This Wheel of Morality is dedicated in his honor: Wheel of morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn: … And the moral of today’s story is – Moral # 103 High school, a small world unto itself, combining all the warmest elements of a federal work camp with those of a third-world poultry farm.

  883. I just showed Sir Cocks a Lot to my hubby and he rolled his eyes and said you better not bloody well win that! Sir Cocks a Lot was not amused,neither was I. I then told him that he sounded just like Victor-he totally didnt get it and walked off muttering!!

  884. I would name him Lenny. In honor of my late cat, Lenny. After we rescued Lenny from starving to death in our back yard, I gave the name in honor of my boyfriend’s favorite TV detective, Lenny Briscoe. A few weeks later, I looked closer and realized Lenny was really Lenora. But I only called her Lenora when she missed the mark while using the litterbox.

  886. I don’t have the patience to read through all the entries and see if someone has gone this route yet, but I’m going to borrow from the classic film The Princess Bride. There’s just something about the expression on that
    chicken’s face that reminds me of Mandy Patinkin – “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

  889. Roberta Flaptoller

    Because Roberta is a strong name and frankly, the chicken is a strong beotch. So Beyonce somehow increased our entire workplace morale and now all of our employees (and their husbands) are searching for the most proper version for our office.

    Roberta is perfect.

  892. I’d name it Clucky McCluckerson. I don’t know *why*, but that’s the first thing that came to mind. I don’t know if that should scare me or not…

  893. That is an awesome metal chicken….and an awesome cat.

    If I had that chicken I’d name him William Henry Harrison Ford……because President William Henry Harrison stood outside giving his inaugural speech for so long in a blizzard that he caught pneumonia and died. Now, I live in Florida so there won’t be any blizzards, but that Chicken would be on my patio because that’s where my tabby cat hangs out and obviously that chicken requires a tabby-cat sidekick.
    Oh….and the “Ford” part of that name….I always think that maybe if President William Henry Harrison had been named “William Henry Harrison Ford” he would never have died, like Indiana Jones.

    What’s a girl gotta do to get in the running for the panic-stricken demon? I Christen him “Fluffy”, for obvious reasons.

  894. I’d name him, ‘It’s A Fucking Metal Chicken, Moron’!
    Because comma’s are COOL in names!

    -Chris,tina

  898. I don’t know. I think that the miniature giant metal chicken looks like a one-chicken-per-family chicken – you know, like when you’re looking at adoptable dogs on shelter websites and they tell you whether or not they get along with other pets?

    As I have no other pets, obviously he would be happiest on my bookcase.

    He looks like a Diefenbaker, to me.

  899. I’d name him Darth Clucker. Why? Because he’d go awesome with our cement goose named Princess Lay-A.

  901. I would name the chicken Turdoleon after my deceased turtle. 1) because turtles are fucking awesome 2) because Napoleon was a dick; so combined together as Turdoleon everyone is happy.

  903. Hans Christian Anderson. But not the boy – she’s totally a chick. Although she sometimes gets mistaken for a man because she has very broad shoulders. I think she’s Scandanavian.

    Also, my husband and I argued for an hour about whether HCA was a composer or chartered the mayflower. Turns out we were both wrong.

  904. I am sure you will never get to this comment given the War and Peace amount of hysterical-ness weighing heavily above it BUT if by some miracle you do – I think you should name the little bird Imogene Coca. I thought that given Ferris Mewler’s fondness for it we should name it accordingly but could not come up with a chicken/Coke/Ferris Bueller hybrid name for “Sloane Peterson”. Please feel better soon – you are a joy to read…

  906. I’d name him Superb Owl. Because I love owls. And it’s easily confused with super bowl (google Superb Owl and you will be disappointed to find no owl related links). Anyway, it’s a good name for a chicken since chickens like to be called owls. Or something.

  907. First choice was (ex-husband) Harold, but that was already suggested. Second was Norman (ex father-in-law), but that was taken, too. Third most aggravating person in my life (details upon request): McConville – perfect name for a chicken!!!

  908. Prince Tiny Head…so my husband’s disgusting, farting, puking cat, Charlie, aka Princess Tiny Head, wouldn’t feel alone in the world (since I hate her so much but adore her brother, the world dominating Stewie). Pick me!

  909. Ok first, I feel like we need to talk about the poker underneath the chicken. Is Ferris Mewler trying to stab someone and blame it on the chicken? What a stealthy little dude.

    As for the name, Solange and jay z are the obvious choices here, but maybe this chicken doesn’t like the limelight that the Knowles/Carter family has bestowed upon him, and wants to make a break for it. Be his own person. Or her person. I don’t see any obvious male appendages, so I think we can make our own assumptions. And with that, I give you…………Captain Jillian Morganstern the 2 1/2

  911. Looks like a champ, so obviously I would name him Jon Voight

    One day I am going to get a dog and this is what I will call him too

  913. I’d name him Cock Vader because he looks evil but probably still has some good in him. Plus he’s clearly been rebuilt after taking an arrow to the knee!

  915. She looks like a Buela. I know you said him but I’m really bad at following directions and she just looks like a she to me. And chickens are gender neutral right? They don’t grow up dressed in pink or blue… so if it’s a boy chicken… his name can be Buela and he can live with it.

  916. Good luck live tweeting your appointment. I tried to live tweet my pap smear and the doc got all sorts of agitated. It was rude, really.

    I would love to get your book. It would make me furiously happy. As for the chicken? It would be the Chick Korea. Natch.

  920. Since Blue Ivy is already taken – I’d name him Buck. and then we’d sing the name game song with the newest member of the family. Oh, wait. So not a good idea. But he’d be welcome into our home, just the same…

  922. Oh, I did not think I was worthy of the chicken, but I really want a copy of the book…

    I would want to name the chicken after the chicken in the following news story. But since it doesn’t give the name of the chicken, I guess I’d have to call it Jose, after the victim:

    EARLIMART, Calif. — A Lamont man was killed earlier this week by a chicken.

    Jose Luis Ochoa, 35, was stabbed by a knife attached to the leg of a fighting rooster, the Kern County coroner’s office said Friday.

    The accidental stab wound to Ochoa’s calf, as determined by the autopsy, happened Sunday in Earlimart in Tulare County. He was taken to Delano Regional Medical Center, where he died about two hours later.

  923. Okay, this is the 23453th time Im trying this… I know aliens are being assholes and not wanting me to win anything. I WILL PREVAIL! Assholes.

    Okay..so..
    Owie McGuilicuty. Because…obviously, right?

  925. CoCo the Cocky Chicken. Because of the Coke-a-Cola can the way he’s too good to be bothered by Ferris Mewler

  926. I had written an explanation of how I wanted to name the chicken “Ferris Mewler” because Ferris clearly feels unloved and needs to photobomb, so I thought telling him that he has a namesake might keep him from attempting Christmas tree suicide in the future. But then you killed your blog. Then you brought it back. Then I typed this. You are now up to date.

  927. In honor of Molly Ivins (who would have loved your blog), I would name her Gang Pluck.

    From Wiki: “Generally, her more colorful writing style clashed with the editors’ expectations, and in 1980, after she wrote about a ‘community chicken-killing festival’ in New Mexico and called it a ‘gang-pluck,’ she was recalled to New York as punishment. When Abe Rosenthal, editor of the Times, accused her of trying to inspire readers to think ‘dirty thoughts’ with these words, her response was, ‘Damn if I could fool you, Mr. Rosenthal.’ One friend saw her rebellion against the Times authority structure as a continuation of her rebellion against her father’s authority.”

  928. “Blue Ivy Carter” would be the obvious choice since it’s clearly a mini-Beyonce, but my first instinct was to go with Jay-Z. (I’m sure someone already said this but I’m too lazy to look.) I’m not sure. Have we established whether it is a girl chicken or a boy chicken? Can you flip it over and look underneath for its naughty bits?

  930. I would name him Pablo Neruda because he strikes me as a poetic soul who writes under a nom de plume.

  931. oh how i want to bring junior home. pleeeeeeeeeeease pick me. i love my long lost son!
    (obviously his name is already junior.)

    p.s. LOVE the scene you created with your new addition. adorable! i mean fierce!

  932. I would LOVE this chicken and I would name her Adele. (I know you said him but it looks like a girl!)

  935. So I really think everyone else should get the chicken. But I do think I should try to find Beyonce’s 8 foot cousin for my backyard. Because my HOA is entirely too snooty, and my husband won’t let me get a miniature Donkey to live in our back yard. EVEN THOUGH he would mow the grass, AND fertilize it, AND be insanely cute! I mean, it’s a DONKEY the size of a BIG DOG. And the donkey wouldn’t dig up the lawn.
    But my husband said no, so I need to find a revenge Chicken… because a revenge puppy would just be beside the point in THIS argument.
    Or, failing that, I need to buy like a hundred tiny little toy ponies, because my husband is convinced that my Ponies are out to get him, so I would get JUST so I could hide them EVERYWHERE. He’d reach for his sunglasses. BAM! A Pony! He’d open his CD case. BAM!
    They’d be everywhere, stalking him, PLOTTING AGAINST HIM! That would show him!

    Okay… I’m not sure how I got on this subject. But I think the mini-beyonce is lovely, and I would name him Gerald R. Ford. To show my husband there is such a thing as a reliable Ford. Then again, he’d say that Gerald just does what Fords are best known for, sitting still unable to move and slowly rusting.
    But he’s a presidential chicken DAMNIT!
    So anyway, there’s that.

    This moment of madness brought to you by Liz.
    I can’t make sense, I’m sorry, can’t afford it.

  936. I would name him Chickus Maximus. Because he would be emperor of the house. A roman emperor of the house….a roman CHICKEN emperor. It’s very complicated.

  940. Calamine Cockubine

    Beyonce’s love slave that helps her with her Ivy problem.

  941. When I was a kid, my younger sister (who was in kindergarten) and her classmates were given baby chicks to bring home. Ours was the only one that lived because we knew to put a light in the box for warmth. Really, it must have been a traumatic experience for all those other kids. I bet their parents were not happy with the school about that!

    Anyway, We named the chick Cindy. Later we discovered that Cindy was a rooster. And when we sent Cindy to live with the other chickens at our grandparents’ house, Cindy didn’t realize that he was a chicken and acted like he couldn’t figure out why he was in a cage with a bunch of weird feathered things. Either that, or Cindy was blind and just couldn’t see the other chickens. That’s what my grandfather thought. I think Cindy thought he was a person.

    If I am chosen, I would name the mini metal chicken Cindy. 🙂

  942. I would name him Chickzalor, Devourer of Worlds. His clucks would be the death knell which summons the end of the universe. Also, he would be McNugget flavored.

    Not sure if double posted, the website burped at me when I tried to post. Oh why oh why can I not post?

  945. Per my 3 year old, his name would be : “Not Meat, because I am metal and would hurt your throat to eat and it would hurt your bum to poop me out if you ate me. Because I am metal, Not Meat”

  947. He’s looking like Count Q*bert T. Tetanus-Schottenhausen to me.

    You can totally see it, right?

  948. Reed Smoot, co-creator of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff.

    What else screams “We demand our mini-metal chickens are made in the USA and not in a foreign country” than a mini-metal Chicken named Reed Smoot?

    I mean other than Willis Hawley of course.

  949. Okay – I love him…just love him. I hope that whoever he gets to live with loves him the way he deserves to be loved. And I would call him Steve McQueen.

  950. Peter van den Hoogenband.

    He’s an Olympic swimmer. Chickens like to swim, right?

    Anyway, he’s the perfect gift and I would have him be the prize at all gift giving events (white elephant type parties) so that he would always be passed around to bring joy to everyone. He comes with a disclaimer that you’re not allowed to keep him, because he loves to travel. And you should probably take picture with him while he’s staying at your house, because it won’t be forever, and you’re going to want those memories.

  951. I would have to say Pablo–as in Picasso. He’s got a kind of two or three eyes on one side of the head thing going on.

    And what’s with all the female names suggested for a rooster? Doesn’t he have enough problems without giving him gender identity issues? All the other metal roosters will make fun of him, and rooster bullying is just wrong.

  952. Hey Jenni!
    If you could spare a sec to check out my FB page. A dear friend’s wife went missing and is believed to be near the midland, tx area. Could you repost the help poster on my page to yours to help spread the word down there in Tx? I’d appreciate it so much! Thanks doll!

    And I’d name that Chicken Big Daddy Humperdink… obviously!

    Luv your blog!

  953. Good luck live tweeting your appointment. I tried to live tweet my pap smear and the doc got all sorts of skwinky about it. It was just rude, really.

    I would be furiously happy if I won your book!

    And the chicken? That would be Chick Korea. Natch.

  956. I am having a hard time getting past Ferris “photo bombing” you…

    I think I would name him Bob Level only because if you spelled it backwards nobody would know. Well, that and the fact that when I would go on trips to see friends that was who we were looking for…long story you don’t need the details really. Just that we were looking for a man, a man named Bob Level.

    Tell everyone in the hospital Kristin says, “Hey”.

  957. Gosh. I don’t have nearly the funny names everyone else does. But I’m really pathetic and not nearly hilarious enough when my 15-year-old son isn’t around to embarrass so I would name it “Jenny H. Victor” because I’m not opposed to some major kissing up to win a prize. And because the name “Jenni/y” is AWESOME! Oh, Maybe I would name it “Jenni/y” and it would be said “Jen-nee-a-uh” because that would be fun to say and everything is better with “uh” at the end. Just ask my eye-rolling middle schooler.

  959. Raul Ibanez!!!

    I have been trying to get/find/steal a “Beyonce” since your original post. I have had this name waiting for months!!

    It’s not that I am a big Raul Ibanez fan (he’s fine and all), I just like saying his name. I sometimes picture what Raul Ibanez the chicken would look like standing in left field instead of the man Raul Ibanez.

    – Amy

    PS – hope the hospital trip is short, sweet, and uneventful.

  960. Cluck Norris, just because he looks bad ass!

    Or if Cluck’s a girl, then Wilhelmina Fudpucker.

    Cheers!

  963. First, I read this at work and may have split a rib trying not to laugh out loud (more than the two or three times I simply couldn’t help it.) Second, I would name the mini-Beyonce Persnickity Mugwumps because it totally looks like one. I mean, look him in the eye and tell me he’s not persnickity (and no, I am not reffering to Ferris Mewler).

    But what you really need to find is a giant metal chicken with a monocle. Because I wouldn’t want to throw away this name on anything less: Wadsworth Wellington the third. He looks down his beak at everyone. In fact, he probably wears boots so he doesn’t have to step on the same ground as the unwashed masses. And rubber wellies keep his feet from rusting.

  964. I was reading along and was like; OMG! I totally want the panic attacking demon!! Then you mentioned the giveaway rooster and I was all; OMG! I’m moving this weekend and my new apartment could totally use a mini giant metal chicken! Saw the picture, named him Rufus (I know chickens are girls but Rufus is totally fine with his/her sexuality :).
    But then you mentioned “the book” and I forgot all about poor Rufus the sexually challenged chicken rooster :-/
    P.S. could I PLEASE have an advance copy of your book?!!
    P.P.S. and Ferris Mewler?! Cos who wouldn’t want an Xmas tree climbing polydactyl cat?! =D

  965. that chicken is mine, his name is “my cousin vinny”

    And if I don’t win, I’m buying my own 🙂

  966. In honor of Stephen King….DOLORES CLUCKBORNE !!! (this is actually my husband’s idea)

  968. I totally don’t know what to name the chicken… My live Rooster is named ‘Rooter’ – really not the most original and interesting name but it can be amusing. Anyway, name the chicken ‘Bjorn Again’ 😛

    I really just want the book 😉

  969. I’d name him Billy. But only if you say “Billy” with a Hugh Grant voice. As in “Billy, I love you.”

  971. I would name him Jimmy Carter because he obviously likes Coca-Cola and Coca-Cola is from Georgia. Just like Jimmy Carter.

    Because there’s no way I could call him Newt Gingrich.

  972. I think it would have to be Not Afraid of Ferris Mewler, after all, he stands there so brave and steadfast while those paws and claws are splayed out behind him, and he doesn’t even peek over his shoulder.

    Hope that hospital visit goes as well as is possible for such things to go. Sending you some hugs to tuck in your pocket and take out when you need them.

  974. I would of course call him, Gallus gallus domesticus as he appears to be the first chicken ever discovered. I would place him on my bar top/counter top/dining room table (these are all the same thing as my apartment is the size of a third world hovel) and when some lucky person gets to dine in style with me, I am going to place Gallus close their plate and warn them if they make eye contact he will peck their eye and thus they will have to get a tetanus shot to avoid their eye becoming rigid and unblinking.

    Life would be good with Gallus in my apartment.

  975. I would have to go with Wattles VonCock – “wattles” because it’s very obviously a dude and roosters have wattles on their head that serve absolutely no purpose – much like a foreskin (not sure where that analogy came from, but it popped into my head, so now it is captured here; and VonCock because you just can’t have a rooster without throwing the word “cock” in there.

  976. i’d name it jenny 2898 (it appears that’s gonna be my number). best of luck tonight. can’t wait to ready your book!

  977. I would name him Michael Fassbender. Because I really like saying Michael Fassbender. Even before the full frontal, he sounded kinda dirty.

  978. There once was a hen named, “Beyonce”
    Who chickless desired to stay…
    So Rooster FRED
    She sent from her bed
    Clucking “Roost with B. West far away!”

    thanks! Bonnie West. Minnesota!

  979. His name (because, obviously he’s a guy) would be Sir Cluckington, and he would speak with a British accent, because for some reason all my animals have British accents when I explain to my husband what they are thinking. Unfortunately, none of them have British-sounding names, but Sir Cluckington would make up for that.

  981. Her name is Dr. Cluck. She is a brilliant but evil mastermind who will take over and rule the world. Starting with our house.

  982. Please send Rosalinda home! The goblins miss her!!!

    PS Id ‘liberate’ a baby head on a spike and put her in my Faery Garden to scare away Sparkley Vampires!

  985. Not much funny to say. I would just call him Happy, because the only time I feel at all happy lately is when I’m reading about metal chickens.

  987. I would name him Sigmund Freud. I would even give him his very own cigar. Because sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes cock just means rooster.

  988. I would have to name it Xavier P. Hottenpothal no top hat, but he would need a monocle 😉

  989. i would name him boudreaux. and i have grand plans for him. a teacher friend of mine and i have decided that we want to use him to stare down unruly students. i bought her the wee version from your online store, but we feel that boudreaux would pack a little more punch. that, and we might also randomly leave him on other teacher’s desks when they are having a bad day. you know…..for that whole “perspective” thing you talked about 😉

  992. I would name her Adaley. Because my 9 year old daughter loves Adele but she is convinced that it is pronounced Adelay. And after the year we’re had (lost my job, house & boyfriend plus there was a near death experience AND I had to move in with my parents) after all that, we need an apt sized chicken to celebrate the fact that we’re getting back on our feet.

  995. Muriel, of course.

    Everything about your post today made me laugh so much I snorted – thank you! Hope all goes/went well with the Docs. x

  996. Colonel Sanders, because I am not as creative as you and my kids would probably name it after a video game character. Now I think it should come with a name.

  998. I’m thinking Darwin. He studied the evolution of chickens and was particularly interested in red jungle fowl. His evolutionary hypotheses in this case were incorrect, though, and I think it would be appropriate to name this fine specimen of metal fowl after someone who loved birds with crazy features and colors and was a little “off”.

    My 4 year old says it should be “Tweets”.

  999. Now I seriously want in on this action. The name I choose is Holy-Shit-My-Name-Is-Worth-An-Advance-Copy-of-TheBloggess-Book!!!

  1001. Can we name him Stola-Cola? If he came home to our house, that would be a totally appropriate name. And eventually we’d find him a smaller sidekick, named Bloopy.

  1002. I’d name him H.G Wells, and I think my husband might get over his reluctance for new towels. Maybe I’m just wishful thinking….

  1004. I would name the chicken, “Whatever anyone told you, I am not a bird on it! Why do you want me to be sued?!?”

    Long, but effective. It can also be shortened to Watyianabot! Wdywmtbs? pronounced “Wilbur”.

  1005. Kelly – or what ever the other girls name from Destiny’s Child was, cause they’re both smaller than Beyonce. Ya know?

  1007. Fuster Cluck!
    As in: Heeeere Fuster Cluck!
    and…: that chicken is a total Fuster Cluck!

  1009. If no one’s thrown this out there, Christopher Eccluckston.
    David Hennant?
    ….Matt Smith?

  1011. I would call him Mr. Cocking Towel Holder, because I swear you could roll a hand towel and put on the spurs on his leg…or even better put one in his beak!

  1012. My dad grew up on a farm…said ALL the roosters ended up in the stew. So, “Stu”.
    Hope your doctor finds nothing inexplicably unfix-able with you.

  1016. How about “Johnny Cockran, The World’s Greatest Metallic Chicken Lawyer”. If the giblet don’t fit, you must acquit. 🙂

    p.s. good luck with the sleep study thing. My friend found out she was narcoleptic through one of those. I guess normal sleep shows people waking up from REM sleep 7-8 times a night, my friend was waking up 75-80 times a night. So she was only getting 2 hours of real sleep for each nine or ten she was in bed. No bueno.

  1017. I think I would name her Moo.
    My daughter things it should be named “Leftovers”.

  1020. I was reading along and was like; OMG! I totally want the panic attacking demon!! Then you mentioned the giveaway rooster and I was all; OMG! I’m moving this weekend and my new apartment could totally use a mini giant metal chicken! Saw the picture, named him Rufus (I know chickens are girls but Rufus is totally fine with his/her sexuality :).
    But then you mentioned “the book” and I forgot all about poor Rufus the sexually challenged chicken rooster :-/
    P.S. could I PLEASE have an advance copy of your book?!!
    P.P.S. and Ferris Mewler?! Cos who wouldn’t want an Xmas tree climbing polydactyl cat?! =D
    P.P.P.S. good luck tonite!!

  1021. Ricky Bobby. Because I name everything I love Ricky Bobby. My kids are lucky there were born before that movie came out…I’m just sayin’!

  1022. I asked my 4.5 year old daughter what she would name the rooster. She said “Edwin” because she “looks” like an Edwin….okay! The problem is all our pets have names that begin with the letter “E” and the names are opposite of their sex or just srtange. Example our dog named Elvis is a girl, “Bob” our girl kitty and other kitty “Elephant” is a boy but clearly not an elephant.

  1026. Enrique Victoriano Fernandez y Rojas or Qique for short (pronounced Kee-Kay )

  1027. Ricky Bobby. Because I name everything I love Ricky Bobby. My kids are lucky they were born before that movie came out…I’m just sayin’!

  1028. OK. So I was so excited by the fact that we might be twins (are you wearing gray today, btw? Because if you are, then we are SO twins!) that I totally forgot to play NAME THAT CHICKEN!

    My name for this proud specimen of metal chickenhood would be Jack. So that I would always be able to say, “Not only do I KNOW Jack, but I own his ass!”

  1029. The Divine Miss B of course. The Divine Miss M would be honored too!!! You can never be too divine.

  1030. I have already cleared a space on my balcony for Sergeant Cocka Cola! If he serves me well, he may make it up to COMMANDER Cocka Cola. I’m sure he’ll miss his wife, Cherry Cocka Cola, but I’ll make sure his transition is as smooth as possible.

  1032. Its like a giant party in here, but with a lit less pony/ monkeys, which is probably good. For the sake of humanity. Could you imagine hoof and mouth monkey pox? *Shudders*
    I would name him Colonel Dingus Squatford Jr. and he could command vast armies of eggs from the garden. Or in my dreams. Whichever is less crazy.

  1033. I’d name him James Garfield because I feel like he’s our most under appreciated president. Also because I’m pretty sure no one has named a metal chicken after him before.

  1034. Mabel, because this name reminds me of sweet (or are they?) old ladies who collect roosters to place all over there yellow and rust coloured kitchens.

  1035. I believe I would name him, “Fuster Cluck”, because he’s the perfect answer to any situation that goes into the, “this is really whacked out, anything goes” territory.

  1036. No idea why, but she looks like a Mildred to me. Maybe it’s the slightly disapproving auntie expression?? Either way, my cats would adore her.

  1037. I would name him Justin after my husband. It worked for a real rooster when my dad wanted to cook it and mum & I wanted to keep it. Figure this way he has to let me keep it!

  1038. I shall call her “B.S.” …. aka Blogg S, Beyonce’s Sister, Biggie Smalls, Black Swan, Bitch Slapped … this list could go on for awhile, a great way to entertain myself when bored at work 🙂

  1039. My beautiful wife dearly needs a metal chicken to taunt me with. I would suggest naming him Unlikely Excuse.

  1040. I would name it Rocky. My love of Chicken Run and British comedies is the reason why. Also, Mel Gibson does his voice, and seriously…what’s crazier than him?

  1041. Seriously creepy market… but how fascinating. I wish we had something that interesting around here lol.

    Hmm, a metal chicken? I’d have to name him Frank the Destroyer. Because, frankly, he has that look in his eyes.
    Yeah, I’m not feeling very clever right now. Hmph.

  1042. I think she looks like a Raquel. I think Raquel goes well with Beyance. It’s a Diva name. I think all brightly painted metal chickens are divas.

  1046. First of all, credit goes to Jeri Ryan for bringing this post to my attention via Twitter. Secondly, I briefly thought about the name Marion Berry, because that chicken is full of Coke. But in light of today’s news headlines, I think the most appropriate name is Rand Paul because there’s no way that chicken is getting through a TSA screening.

  1048. I’d name him Sir Clucks of Dollhead Valley, because a vampire hunter can always use a knight to back him up.

  1049. Mercedes Benz – because you can tell everyone you FINALLY got one (and how shiny it is, and how nice the color is)…and how surprised they will be. (A world full of Victor’s to be horrified and confused–a generation of children to totally get it;-) Thank you – This was just the funniest thing ever!
    (PS: I’d love the chicken, don’t get me wrong, but the book is the real prize…isn’t it amazing how many people are already in love with a book they haven’t read yet. Congratulations!)

  1050. I’m definitely going with Chauncy Winthrop McWorthington the Third.

    ‘Cause that chicken’s real dignified-like.

  1051. I would name her Kelly Rowland because she comes from the same flock as Beyonce, but she just isn’t as big of a star!

  1053. I hope that the book winners will start a new sort of traveling red dress and share the book.

    PS I’m a really fast reader.

  1054. You have a giant metal bird – how can a taxidermic duck be a surprise?

    BTW – “Taxidermic” is a word, my spellcheck says so. Hoping it means what I think it means.

  1057. Bless you dear if you’ve made it this far down.
    I’d name that chicken Mother Fucking Oprah.
    Or just OPRAH for short.

    And even though it’s small in stature, with a name like OPRAH, everyone would know this bitch is gonna rule the world.

    The end.

  1060. Love it! And I would totally name it IV Blue, Part Deux.
    Because that is what Beyonce would want:)

  1062. I would name her Canard, as a big f-u to all the people who ever danced to the ‘Chicken Dance’ at a wedding. The song is actually La Dance de les Canards (The Duck Dance) but no one ever believes me. So, now I will have a chicken named Duck and feel all morally superior.

    As an aside I almost got into an accident driving by a yard sale when I spotted a giant chicken. After I composed myself and actually parked the car, I discovered it was a plaster chicken, which just wasn’t the same as a giant metal chicken.

  1069. I would call him, “It’s A Fucking Metal Chicken, Moron”. Because comma’s in names are cool.

    -Chris, tina

  1070. Solange. Obvs. I’d wish you a good sleep but no one sleeps in the hospital. Mostly because the hospital makes everyone think of the two little girls from The Shining.

  1071. Well, I’m not sure he’s entirely male … so I’d go gender neutral and name him “The Wife’s Revenge.” He might be a racing chicken, after all, and wouldn’t need a normal-sounding name. So, yes, “The Wife’s Revenge” it is for this wife-whose-husband-did-not-find-the-humor-in-the-Beyonce-Blog-At-All-cuz-he’s-probably-a-douchebag-but-I-love-him-anyways.

  1072. I think you should name it Coke-a-doodle-Dewey.

    And you should send both the cock and the book to me because I’m an editor and I sleep with a red pen clutched in my fist. And because I’m having a “tastes like chicken” party next month, and Coke-a-doodle-Dewey would be the perfect centerpiece for the table.

  1073. I would name him Neil Gaiman, so I could have a Neil for my very own! I doubt he would be any good at telling me bedtime stories but that doesn’t matter! 😀

  1074. I shall call her “B.S.” …. aka Blogg S, Beyonce’s Sister, Biggie Smalls, Black Swan … this list could go on for awhile, a great way to entertain myself when bored at work 🙂

  1075. Considering I already have a large ceramic rooster in my kitchen named Sheldon, I am pretty positive this guy’s name would need to be Leonard!

    Love the Vampire hunter duckling as well!

    Oh, and of course, sending happy thoughts for your horsepistol visit tonight! 😉

  1076. Cluck Gable… because this metal chicken is almost as handsome as the real thing!

  1077. I suggest Sasha Fierce as a name…. Seeing as it is Beyonce’s alter ego and all. And someone already beat me to Blue Ivy.

  1079. I mean at this point all the good names are taken but I think I would go with P. Nut McCracken. Just because I really want to name something that. It makes me giggle like a mofo.

    You don’t by any chance have any taxidermied squirrels you want to raffle off, do you?

  1081. I would call him/her “JenVic” a bit like a vapour rub to dispel all the bad shit that happens in life…
    And I f I win, although I seriously doubt it… you can donate it to Victor’s bedside cabinet for eternity…. saves on postage to the UK

  1082. I’d name him Darth Clucker. Why? He’d go perfectly with our concrete goose statue named Princess Lay-A

  1083. I could name him “my favorite cock” or “Julius Skeezer” – really I would love him only because my friend sent me the post about the towels and said I needed to read this because this woman reminds me of you. Do you know how bad it would piss my husband off to see a chicken (any kind) in his house? He hates when I buy things and is always questioning the need and I am always defending my beautiful purchases. I wish you well with your hospital stay and may the force be with you!

  1085. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, really? You put “shell-shocked” in the caption to describe a stuffed duckling?! THAT. IS. GENIUS. I don’t care WHAT they say.

    Anyway, you should totally name the new metal chicken Rachel Maddow or Amanda Bynes. You may have already given her away, but tell whoever got the chicken about these names, because they really work. I’ve always found something chicken-ish about Rachel and Amanda (in a good way), and I’m 100% certain either of them would have the sense and sense of humor to see it right away. And take it as a compliment.

    Which reminds me, you’re really great at taking things as compliments. In this regard (as in so many), you’re my role model. 🙂

  1086. Can’t explain it, but she looks like a he to me…and he is very saucy! I would name him Elvis McCokepants and love him forever and ever. 🙂

  1087. Count Cockula sounds pretty good. He could wear a vampire cape so your new ducky could have someone to hunt down.

  1088. I’d have to name it Knock-Knock McRoosterBalls. I’m not sure why, but it feels right. It can also be his greeting.

  1089. Is Blue Pecker too offensive? I really cannot help myself, it is just too fun a name!

  1090. She would be Marietta – after the name of the city of “the original Big Chicken” Its a city landmark and reminds me of home. I’m an Atlanta Native trapped in Florida.

  1091. Senior Howie Tartuffo.

    pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.

  1092. OMG I am dying from your daughters comment about the duct tape! She is witty like her mama!

    But if I were to win this chicken, I would name him Gustav and he would like next to the fireplace (not too close though because he might get too hot). And I would hope that my dog would try to start a fight with him. I wonder who would win? No betting though, because that would be wrong 🙂

  1093. Peter Gibbons. That chicken looks like it could sit on its ass and let it be everything he thought it could be.

  1095. OMG I am dying from your daughter’s comment about the duct tape! She is witty like her mama!

    But if I were to win this chicken, I would name him Gustav and he would live next to the fireplace (not too close though because he might get too hot). And I would hope that my dog would try to start a fight with him. I wonder who would win? No betting though, because that would be wrong 🙂

  1096. Great – I had enough trouble trying to come up with a name for my son; now I have to come up with a name for a metal chicken! But, if given the opportunity, I would go with Doe, Jane Doe.

    Good luck at the hospital. Hugs.

  1101. I’d probably in all honesty let you name it, since you seem to have a knack for those sorts of things 🙂 However, if the dubious honour were up to me, it’d end up being something like “Hencock mother fucker clucker”

  1102. I would name him Barbeque. As a little girl I had a chicken named BBQ, but I wouldn’t want them to have the *exact* same name. Also, BBQ ended up being chicken salad. RIP BBQ.

  1107. I’d name him Wil Wheaton because they are my two favorite things you write about. and every day I would be reminded of your blog and just laugh when I looked at him.

  1108. Oh can I please-please-please-please-PLEASE have a copy of your book? It’d make me absurdly, insanely happy and I would read parts aloud to my husband which would make us both laugh til we couldn’t breathe. Pleeeeeeeeeease?

  1110. I’d name him Gargamel because my cat’s name is Azrael and my husband won’t let me get a dog. So I can say at least it’s not a dog!

  1112. I’m gonna have to go with “Punky Brooster”. And I’ll accidentally leave him in the fridge and get all panicky when I can’t find him and post pictures later as a PSA about the danger of metal roosters in refrigerators.

    And somethingsomething about a camping trip and magical spiders in a cave.

  1113. I’d name him Frank Rooster (in honor of two characters played by the wonderful Tim Curry).

  1114. Well, if I were lucky enough to have the chicken and your book the chicken’s name would be Dr. McClucky because depression and anxiety are a son of a bitch. Every time I read the beyonce story I laugh and it feels good.

  1115. Failing the Chet Jr (son of Beyonce and Chet from Boise Idaho ) I would have to pick Worthington Goosepimple. As you were.

  1116. I’d officially name him Coke o’ Teal Tail, but I’d likely call him Coceau.

  1117. Someone said BeTwice, but obviously it would BeHalf. And therefore a viking. And possibly a valkyrie.

    Behold – BeHalf the metal viking chicken valkyrie.

  1119. I’d have to name him Lyle Lovett. Seriously, if you were all, “Hey, let’s make a metal chicken that looks exactly like Lyle Lovett!” it would turn out exactly like this.

  1120. I am utterly and completely in love with Ferris Mewler. He can show me his paws anytime.

    I would name little giant metal chicken Mordecai, mostly because my husband wants to name our next son that and then I could be all, “Ohh, I’m so sorry, honey. Mordecai is already spoken for. It’s the chicken’s name.”

  1121. I’d totally name him “Prince Albert” to honor my husband.

    (Hubs middle name is Albert, and he HAAATTEESS it. Gives me the stank eye when I call him “Al-BERT.”)

    I can’t tell you the hours of sick amusement I’d glean from carrying Prince Al-BERT (please imagine my voice, which you’ve never heard — so imagine me sounding like someone fun, like, Hulk Hogan — spiking about three octaves higher than dogs can hear on the BERT) around the house, asking him assorted questions of household nonsensery. Al-BERT, should we clean the cat-shart out of the fire place? Why yes, yes we should. What’s that Al-BERT? We should go out to eat tonight? Why, that’s just what I was thinking…. Al-BERT.

  1122. For some reason I want to name him Foghorn Leghorn, even though he’s a chicken, not a chicken hawk. Maybe it’s irony?

  1125. I can’t tell if this is a female or male chicken. Although I suppose all chickens are female because males are “roosters,” right? Except you keep referring to this one as a chicken but to me (who admittedly has never set foot on a farm) this looks rooster-ish. So I’m really confused but that’s nothing new and could just be because of all the NyQuil I’ve sucked down today. So if it’s a girl chicken, I would name her Beatrice Helene Zoppitybop-Bop-Bop. And if it’s a dude chicken, I would name him Otis. After my late maternal grandfather. Yes, that was his real name.

    And if someone else has already used these names, I apologize, my duplicate submission is completely an innocent error. I haven’t read any of the other comments cuz there’s like 3 thousand of them already and I don’t have that kind of attention span.

  1126. Clearly, his name is Li’l Kim! Duh!

    Sorry to hear about your night seizure testing. Is it wrong of me to hope that they give you drugs and let you have your phone? ‘cuz those are some of your best tweets!

  1127. I NEED this chicken, but I have to say that there’s a post in the 130’s (?) that said Cluck Norris and I don’t think you need look any further. But my second choice would be DJ Coin Laundry.

  1128. I don’t want to win a Beyonce (shipping to the UK would be a bitch), but Ferris Mewler should totally marry my cat Gingerbread Rogers. Just Sayin’.

  1130. I would probably name him Alfonzo, because who wouldn’t want to be named that? And of course my cat (and my Husband) would hate me for bringing a metal chicken into the house and would probably hide under the couch for a few days. I’m sure she would prefer that you send the handsome Ferris Mewler here instead of the chicken, but she’s just a cat and therefore has no say.

    I can’t wait to purchase your new book. I’m sure it’s chalk full of inappropriate things for me to laugh and my Husband to roll his eyes at. Good for you, Chicky! 🙂

  1132. Argenstarberfarben. But I would call him Arbee if I thought I might fall asleep before getting out the whole name.

  1134. I think I’d call him cocorico martin. I think cocorico is the french version of cock-a-doodle-do, and he’s got Ricky Martin’s eyes.

  1135. So many people want that chicken, I don’t want to take that away from those people, but I would REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY(Did I mention REALLY) want the book!! I would give it the best home!

  1137. i would love a chicken! although i would not keep him. not because i don’t need him, but because my daughter needs one more. she is trying to work her way out of some anxiety and depression of her own. she has tried a couple of meds, and comes *this close* to feeling decent, but it doesn’t quite work, so she is back to her doctor in a week or so to see about something else.

    the chicken may not work as well as something from the pharmacy, but it would sure as heck light up her face when she got it! i am thinking she would probably name it beyonce, just so she could have her own beyonce!

  1138. I would name him Katie Perry because he is smaller in stature than Beyonce and the real Katie Perry likes to sing about cock. Peacock…. Cockadoodle-doo… It works.

  1139. Well, the pets I have so far are Princess Lola Kalliope Peach (aka “Kalli” the beagle) and Dark Skull (aka “DS” the cat), so I suppose I’d have to name the chicken something video game-related. Hmmm… Zelda’s too whiny. Ooh, I’ve got it! Dyna Blade. Except I just realized he’s a rooster. Crap.

    Really, though, Waddle Dee looks like he’s slightly afraid of Ferris Mewler. You should send him home to me. Happy sleep-test-ing!

  1140. (Oh, addendum… it would be sort of dorkily punny to name him “Prince Albert” because he’s made of a can… like… Prince Albert in a can…get it? OK, I’m turning in my Dork badge and slinking away now.)

  1141. Throwing in the towel…there is no way I can compete for the awesomeness of the last 3000+ comments. Except to say two things: I would name him Bill the Cat in honor of my most favorite effed-up comic strip character EVER (to the point where we named our first female cat after Bloom County’s mascot). And two: everything will be okay. My college roommate was in the ER for hours yesterday with chest pains and unexplained numbness and there were no answers except mine: I love you, and everything will be okay. I promise.

  1143. If I were lucky enough to win this chicken? I would name him Abraham De Lacy Giuseppe Casey Thomas O’Malley we’ll call him Giuseppe for short. I’d put him in my window to watch all the little elementary school kids go off and frolic with their friends.

  1145. Obvi……Nathan Fillion Mother Fucker BTW, showed hubs your original chicken post. He no longer questions my retail purchases. Chickens rule mother fucker.

  1149. I’d name the awesome metal chicken Penny. (After my friend, Penny, who’s husband has offered to BUILD her a giant metal chicken…but we both have yet to see any progress toward said chicken)

  1151. Clearly his name is Doctor John Pembert the 2nd because the inventor of Coca Cola needs to be commemorated in metal chicken form. Obviously.

  1152. Since Ferris Mewler is obviously doing the downward facing dog, I would name the chicken Yoga Dog.

  1153. Considering I just bought my husband an avocado plant for Valentines Day and named it Pedro, the chicken is clearly a Rafael. This name also has personal significance since he’s the waiter from our local Mexican restaurant that recognizes me because we go way too often..super classy, right?

  1154. Kelly. After the lesser Destiny’s Child.

    (I know there’s a third one but really, who remembers her?)

  1156. At first I thought I would name him Simone de Beauvoir because she’s my favorite philosopher and it’s in keeping with the whole “chicken-boy with a girl name” motif that you’ve already got going (or is that ‘rooster with a girl name?’ Chicken-boy sounds better). Then I thought I’d name him George because of the whole “americana-coke-can” thing (….as in George Washington, duh). But, after very little thought, now I think I’ll name him Mike Morgan because that’s my weather man, and, frankly, I’m pretty happy with the forecast. First time to comment, but avid reader. I think you’re awesomer than ice cream, and I don’t think anything is awesomer than ice cream.

  1157. For some reason this immediately made me think of the Jimmy Steward movie ‘Harvey’ , which has absolutely nothing to do with the rooster but either way, I would name it ‘Harvey’.

  1158. OMG, Number Two can be renamed by any of the thousands of brilliant submissions. I will read and EDIT your book for free. Especially if you let me live-tweet my edits. On drugs. Prescribed by my doctor, of course. (I don’t take any, but maybe you could help me figure out how to get some.) And, yes, I’m a professional. Though I rarely write like one when it comes to social media. See, I’m *that* talented.

  1161. I just read the update and then did one of those jumping in the air with my arms up.. like YEA!!!! I tried to freeze the position.. like they do on the Tv… but it didn’t work. Then I waited too long and didn’t come down all too gracefully. And by “not gracefully”, I mean I sorta fell on my knees.. ok.. not sorta. I did. But I did that shit with style. And I didn’t cry… much..

  1162. You probably have already picked but I would name it Bookie Von Beyonce the Illest, just to incorporate everything you have going on. 🙂

  1163. Those baby heads were frightening. Are you certain the owner doesn’t have children locked up in their basement somewhere? Live ones?

    What would I name my glorious giant metal chicken? I’m not certain I can come up with anything cleverer than all the people before me, certainly not something that makes one laugh in a hospital (which I would totally live tweet myself) but something along the lines of COTUS. Because it would be The Chicken of the United States. (not to be confused with coitus).

  1164. Oh, I too would love to win a mini-beyonce.. or a book to fix a wobbly table..

    So in the household, we do in fact have character names for the comic we sometimes draw. The main characters are:
    Me: Pirate Monkey
    Chris: Princess Tsunami
    Lily the cat-fur-human: FangClaw the Black aka OneFang the Old (think of what happened to Gandalf when we went from grey to white)
    and we definitely need another character to join in our comic book, and our real life adventures (which in our house are called “benches”, coz everyone should have at least one sort of chair and some fun though they don’t have to happen at the same time), and a good foil to FangClaw/OneFang.. so mini-beyonce would be called: MetalTalon the NotTowel aka ManyMetals the Recyled..

  1165. I’d name it Holy Shitsnacks.

    I wonder what my wife would think. I wonder what my kids would think. I wonder what their teachers would think. *meh*

  1166. ” I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks “- Love means never having to say I’m sorry I made you look at Vampire-hunting ducks. Especially when they are so freaking awesome!!

    His name is Josephus. Because it is.

  1169. The downtimes seem to eat my comments. But Porkchop! Porkchop the Metal Cock! I love it!

  1170. There is no question, she told me when I looked into her steely eyes…Lady Gladys of McCluckstershire… she is the sad widow of Enrique, the Earl of McCluckstershire who met a terrible fate by means of a woodchipper gone rogue. I would give her proud royal fowl status here in my Fort Worth Texas home.

  1171. I think
    Towels. So when my husband asks me what I won I’d be all, oh just towels then BOOM! Chicken door bell!

  1172. Her name is obviously Delta Mae Farnsworth IV. It can’t be any other one.

    Hope you spend the night at the hospital and they find nothing wrong with you.

  1173. great post, always entertaining, and the comments are great 🙂 I would call him Little B…or “at least I’m not towels”

  1175. Sorry if this posts twice. I dont know how to work this damn ipad.

    Towelsy Lawson McKnocker, for sure. Although, I’m laughing hysterically at the Elton John comment!!

  1178. I think I’d have to call him Lil’ Jay-Z because obviously he’s not all grown up yet so he can’t just be Jay-Z.

  1181. With the whole vampire theme going and all, I can’t think of anything better than Count Cockula! I’m moving on the 1st and totally need something like this to break in the new place–and make the new neighbors wonder!!

  1184. Nothing would make me happier than winning this chicken, because i would give it to my imaginary friend Nej (really just an online friend, I swear she is real). She could use a pick me up like this.

  1186. Holy crap, you’re in a hospital tonight to see if you get seizures in your sleep?
    I sure hope that you won’t get any – not tonight and not ever.

    Regarding the awesome metal chicken: I’d name her Fräulein Züchtig*, of course.

    *Miss Prim

  1187. If I had that beautiful work of art, he would be christened Rupertina and proudly displayed every where I go. Which is all over the place since I drive from one end of the panhandle to the other every other week. And when we aren’t traveling, we would be lounging in my front yard waving to the cars flying down my street.

    Get well Jenny. We need more of your humor!

  1191. I’d name him Dick Dastardly.

    It’s the goggles.

    (I hope nobody else said that — too lazy to read everyone else’s names [but my therapist will be impressed at the improvement in my time management skills,so there’s that…])

  1192. Okay, so not to sound weird and all serious (but that’s totally what I’m going to do)…since I am newly married and we can’t have children together (we have 6 between us already and I am no longer able to have kids anyway), I would give this chicken the name we would have given our daughter if we could have one…Savannah Blue (Savannah because we think it sounds cool and Blue after our favorite band, Blue October). Since Beyonce’s baby is named Blue, and this chicken is partly blue, it works out perfectly! (Or maybe I should name it Elipses Parentheses since I use a lot of those). Sending up prayers that all goes well for you tonight! Thank you for such sweet gifts for one lucky reader!

  1194. I would name him Arthur Mordecai Pen-Chicken. And I would be amazingly happy with either Arthur Pen-Chicken himself (he leaves out the Mordecai, for ordinary use)… or a copy of the book. I can’t wait to read it. 🙂 Jenny – you make my day so often. 🙂 Thank you for being amazing.

  1198. Id name her Myrna after my mother in law…because they both like to lurk ominously in doorways, cause arguments, and cut you with their shiv-like edges when you hug them.

  1199. Ah just what I need, another metal chicken. That would make 2 so yeh a collection. Plus my poor little Aussie chook is lonely.As to what I would name her if I was insanely lucky enough to have her is of course “JENDEFER”. i’d be really happy with a book too. But you know what they say. Or they would if they had any sense. Books come and go but a metal chicken is forever.

  1200. He shall be named matthew mcconaughey and must only be talked to with a similar voice and accent as Matthew mcconaughey.

    Ps my hubs just asked me what I was doing and when I told him to shut up I was trying to win a mini Beyonce metal chicken he walked away hacking his head and called me a moron!

  1201. you will be live tweeting in your sleep? i’d pay to see that. not really with money. but, um, something. i have cat fur. and feathers.

    if i had a tiny metal chicken i would name him Randi, after the Great James Randi because last summer i drove through texas (my first time in that huge, fucking, hot state, and that’s saying a lot from someone who comes from florida, another huge, fucking, hot state (well, it’s huge if you drive the inverted L way, not so huge other ways)) on my way to The Amazing Meeting, whereupon i got to meet the Great James Randi briefly (squeee!) and i noticed while driving through that there were lots of places with large Beyonces out front. I begged husband to let me get one, but he said no, there was no room in the van. i pointed out that we had removed the seats and the back was mostly empty. he said, maybe we could stop and look on the way home. for some reason, mostly related to taking a different route through the state, we didn’t see a single Beyonce on the way home and I have been hugely upset over this ever since. I’m thinking of stealing barrels and learning to weld. wait. what was the question again?

  1203. I’d name him “So Gauche”, so when people asked about him, I’d be able to say, “Oh, that’s So Gauche.” (sarcastic undertones are silent.)

  1204. Smedley D. Butler. (Real guy, and I couldn’t even begin to do justice to his amazing life story.) I’m in a dangerous zone of wanting to adopt a 6th pet, JUST so we can name it Smedley D. Butler, so having something else to take on the Smedley name would be a godsend.

  1205. I have 4 BMC’s. 2 couples to be exact. “Garth” and “Trisha” are the 2 chubby ones… actually, Garth is a big metal TURKEY because I’m still mad at him for only performing NINE of his own freaking songs after we flew all the way to Las Vegas to see him!

    The other 2 are tall and skinny. They are “Tim” and “Faith”.

    SO, in keeping with the country music theme, and seeing as how she has her corporate sponsorship lined up clearly, not to mention those eyelashes……. I would call her “Taylor Swift”!

  1206. Most. Amazing. Find. Ever. I love him and need you to make him mine. I will even name him after you 🙂

  1208. Lord Cluckemort! He obviously has a history of dabbling in the dark roosts.

  1209. I had a couple I couldn’t decide between….
    Esmerelda Chico Sante Fe.
    Big Rooster Mutha Clucker.
    or Cecil Dickens
    p.s. how could you not get the panicy demon thing? i mean….if i ever had a panic attack, i think it would help tremendously to see a panicked demon sitting next to me. i’d know i wasn’t alone.

  1210. I would totally name it “youreafuckingshithead” and put it on my desk and show it to all the people who came in my office and then me and YAFSH would cackle together because only he and I would know that his name was a string of obscenities. This may also include eyebrow waggling.

  1211. Since you have Beyonce, I would totally name the chicken Taylor Swift. And then Taylor Swift would win some BIG CHICKEN award and get up to giver her acceptance speech when a chicken named Kanye steps up to her and is all like “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, but Beyonce is the best metal chicken of ALL time.” and then Taylor Swift would cry, because Kanye stole her thunder, but she would get to hang out with Beyonce as a result.

  1212. I really <3 the scene with the duckling. It is now my screensaver :).

    Oh, and I would name the chicken Bob, but I would spell it Bhobt with a silent h and a silent t to confuse people.

  1215. Fluffy von Lichtenstein of the Lichtenstein von Lichtenstein. (NOT those low-class from somewhere else Von Lichtensteins!)

  1217. Actually, “Absorbent” or “Cottony Plush” would be more appropriate. Or “Bad-Ass Muthafucka”

  1218. your post makes me feel as though I’ve been gifted. Blessings on you, yet again, Madam.

  1219. He shall be named Randy. Randy the Rooster.

    The reasons are mine.

    p.s. much luck tonight. hope you get to live tweet 😉

  1222. My love for this knows no bounds…. I would have to name Beyonce Jr “Ann E. Versary”, because really, isn’t that what her mama was all about celebrating?

  1224. The doll heads are really creepy, even creepier is me thinking the mysterious vendor probably bought them or stole them from young children as whole dolls and then ripped them all apart and put the pieces in buckets. *shudder*

    As for the chicken, I think Jebediah has a nice ring to it. (Say that five times fast.) Jeb, for short.

  1225. Okay, I thought “Punky Rooster” as I was in the ladies’ room, which made me snort OUT LOUD, which probably isn’t really good in the ladies. Behind closed doors and all.

    I’d probably go with FDR. Which is dignified until you realize that anything that starts with F in my House of Teenagers is not dignifed. F Da Rooster. Which is bad for public knowledge.

  1227. I would totally name the chicken Cokesy McGee. The beauty of Cokesy McGee is that he ironically likes Pepsi better. But also he has a cocaine addiction. He’s full of fun surprises like that! He’d definitely be a door-to-door businessman, but not a very good one. Partly because of his cocaine addiction and also because he’s deathly afraid of doors. Which I assume is because at a young age his mother was killed by a door. But I could be wrong. Cokesy McGee doesn’t really like to talk about his past. Every time someone brings it up he kind of just gets a vacant look in his eye and says, “I’ve seen some THINGS man. BAD THINGS.” Or that’s what I assume he’s saying. I don’t speak chicken. Or at least not the metal dialect.

    Please allow Cokesy McGee to come home with me. He needs treatment immediately. For the pepsi-liking thing I mean. Coca-cola is way better.

  1228. Well, I’m hoping that you ship to Canada, because Coke-au-Vin would look completely awesome up here next to our snowmen, snowshoes, and giant metal nickel…. oh, and the CN Tower too….

  1231. I was saving this name for my first-born, but I’d totally use it for an awesome Beyonce’s littler cousin: Akrasia. It means “Weakness of will,” which should have been MY name. And it hints at “Krazy with a K” because that’s a special kind of krazy…the kind I like.

  1232. How’s it going, Blog? Jenny says hi. In a realted matter, stop being such a douche to Jenny. She needs you and we need her. It’s a symbiotic relationship. Or parasitic. Whatever. The point is: get your poop in a group and stay live!

    I think I would name this chicken Pepsis Terror.

  1234. I think you should pick your top ten favorite names and then create a poll for us to vote. Because what else are you going to do while in the hospital for a sleep study besides read THREE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED NINETY NINE comments with possible names in them? Since I am comment 3200, I am tempted to bow out of giving you yet another name to consider. But, really, I can’t resist saying that I think that metal rooster looks simultaneously a little prissy and a little burnt around the edges, so I’d name him Crispy Francis. He would look great on my son’s bedside table with the metal found-trash wizard statue he chose with his very own birthday money. Yes, my eight-year-old owns a welded sculpture before I do. Its name is Zarzee.

  1237. So many names! I would either name him something ghetto like shanaynay, or something totally not ghetto like Todd.

  1240. I like Solange. (Beyonce’s little sister)
    Since your not giving away your fantastical Beyonce, we will be glad to take the cracked out version of her, the next best thing, Solange! 🙂

  1245. Oh I definitely don’t have a talent with names like you do Jenny! But I’m thinking Sir Galahad. Adorable!

  1252. I think this little guy needs a name that honors his Momma and that he can live up to. If I were allowed to give this little metal beauty a home I would most definitely share him with all my friends. I think he needs the name “knock-knock motherfucker”. Motherfucker being his middle name so that if children are present we can just call him knock-knock. I think that definitely fits his little metal gangsta self.
    P.S. Our cats Sookie & Hitch would LOVE to meet your chicken!

  1255. Wow…3200 comments already. Well, I don’t know what other people wrote because I have a headache and can’t read them all. So, here goes.

    Woodrow Wilson…for some reason, but I don’t know why, the Coca Cola section made me think of him. Also, a woodcock is also a bird and I don’t have to explain about that.

    <3 Jennifer

  1257. Phoebe O’cluckerston. My 3 year old daughter says she looks like a Flower Egg Pumpernkickle. We may have to flip a coin on this one….

  1258. I’m not sure how you’re going to pick the best name. Seriously. Some of those are great.

    But when the chicken gets to my house he will be dubbed Bruce Chickenson after Christopher Walken’s More Cowbell SNL character. And all he would say is “I’m the cock of the walk, baby!”

  1262. My mom owns a small floral and gift shop in SE Iowa. I work there, too- yay nepotism! Last weekend, we were in Chicago for Gift and Home Show (vendors sell there, we buy), and went to our usual vendor for garden iron to pick out some pretties for spring.

    You can imagine our utter shock and complete delight when we found the booth and saw her. Ma and I both said “HOLY SH*T, IT’S BEYONCE,” and began to giggle uncontrollably. We then proceeded to BUY BEYONCE’S FOR OUR SHOP.

    Here’s a picture- http://cyflorist.tumblr.com/post/16375967620/we-bought-beyonces-for-the-shop-most-awesome

  1263. I’d name him Hieronymous. I’m an art history major and that was a very popular name during the Renaissance. No idea why it isn’t still topping the “Most Popular Baby Names” charts.

  1264. Seriously? I always go looking for Beyonce’s here in Texas, even my kids know what I’m looking for (sanitized version). Please get well soon!!

    If I had to start calling the awesome chicken something else, I’d call it VICTOR, because every time I envision him looking out his office window it makes me laugh.

  1265. ‘Purple Philodendron’. Because it makes as much sense as ‘Blue Ivy’. And Martin Van Buren is adorably scary! I have boxes of doll heads for making crochet bed dolls. Apparently I’m missing an awesome artistic opportunity! Gotta find me some spikes!!

  1266. If I won this amazingly awesome creature I would name him King Neptune III
    Meanly because it popped into my head but also because he looks like a king. With a septor. Yes, King Neptune III, I need him.

  1267. I would name him Qwammy Bo Willy Brown Jackson III. I think he is very dignified and should have a name befitting him.

    Peace,
    Juice

  1268. You got a total STEAL with Martin Van Buren! I mean, an dead-ex-president-vampire-hunter duckling, in full fluff mode? How can you set a price on something like that? (You can’t, that’s how) The chicken? Oh yes, the chicken. I’d name him Chauntecleer, after the Heroic Rooster in Book Of The Dun Cow (by Walter Wangerin), who crows the most WONDERFUL crows, full of hellfire & cusswords, crows like “COCKA-BLOODY-SHUT-THE-HELL-UP-CANT-YOU-SEE-A-ROOSTER-NEEDS-HIS-SLEEP?” (I mean that the rooster crows like that. Not the author. I’ve never read an account of Mr. Wangerin crowing. Although he could, I guess.)

    But, yes, I’d call him Chauntecleer. And then I could put my Not-So-Big-Metal-Reindeer-That-Looks-Like-A-Crazy-Metal-Dog-With-Horns next to him, and name him for Chauntecleer’s doggy sidekick in the book, Mundo Cani (who was extremely loyal but suffered from terrible low self esteem and maybe chronic depression. And he liked to howl “MarooOOooooNed” all night long, which would fit with the crazed eyes of this reindeer/dog. Seriously. It looks like it is in need of medication)

    If I had the pair? Everytime Mr.Spouse and I looked at the pair of them? We could alternately crow/curse or howl, depending on our mood. It’s now SO obvious that my metal-reindeer-dog NEEDS a metal-chicken co-hort. I don’t know how I didn’t think of this before. I don’t know why Mr.Spouse didn’t think of it. (oh, wait, yes I do… he was too busy telling me I don’t need to buy a metal chicken AND a reindeer) (and me made me give the giant metal horn toad away)

  1269. I think that it deserves an awesome name…so since I’m French Canadian I will call it “Cokeil St. Jacque!” I do collect paper-mâché animals…totally cool penguin in the bathroom…super cow in the kitchen…speckled chickens in the living room…and a perplexed parrot in the family room. With that thought “Jacque” would never be lonely.

  1271. My 5 year old daughter suggests Mr. Dr. Dumpling. My dear husband suggests Sir Digby Chicken Ceasar. As you can see my entire family loves the chicken and wants him for our very own.

    **My husband has actually told me I can have a Beyonce size chicken, but only if I put it directly in the front yard so all of the neighbors can enjoy it too. (He is well liked by the neighbors!)

  1272. Bad Robot Chicken. Named, of course, for the Bad Robot of JJ Abrams fame and Robot Chicken, the best cartoon evah.

  1275. Holy cow a Mini Beyonce????
    I would name it something clever like… Junior. Or maybe Frank.

    Congrats on the book by the way!! You rock!

  1276. I swear to god, I didn’t see the earlier comment about Maurice. I picked it on my own. I feel like I have to name him something else now.
    If Maurice is spoken for I would name him Cluckers.
    But I prefer Maurice.

  1278. I can’t believe the very same day you post this, I see the exact same “junior” Beyonce at the Ft. Worth Stock Show
    ( a pair of them to be exact). I looked all around the booth for the giant version, just so I could have my picture taken with her by my husband)…..they only had the small variety. He kept repeating “Jenny who, what blog is this, are you nuts”

  1279. Honestly, i don’t know where i’d put an awesome metal chicken, and i figured it would have a better home with someone else, but THEN i saw that you’re giving away copies of your book, and i am ALL OVER THAT.

    I’m afraid i really don’t have any awesome name. Can i still maybe get a book?

    My daughter suggests “Cluck,” and that is why everything in our house has a stupid name.

  1280. He will sit just inside my bedroom door and his name will be Cock Block – my husband is sure to love him!

  1282. To me that looks like a transgender rooster, so I’d name her Samantha (I’m pretty sure she was previously a Samuel). Sadly, Samantha looks like she’s developed a Coke addiction, so I’d have to put her in rehab as soon as I got her, but I think once she was accepted into a loving home that recognized her as a hen, not a rooster, she could begin to untangle some of the demons plaguing her which led her to abuse Coke in the first place.

  1285. Wow, so I messaged my husband because I was so excited about the prospect of even possibly winning and here is what was said (giggle):

    me: If I am lucky…not so lucky as lottery lucky, but knock knock motherfucker lucky, I will win a medium-sized metal chicken. His name shall be Woodrow Wilson.
    Ross Becker: ….
    http://www.google.com/products/catalog?q=welding+torch&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=shop&cid=13355441050974264495&sa=X&ei=H_gdT6nrCYawiQLG-bTMCw&ved=0CIABEPMCMAE

    …. only $88. More than sufficient.

  1286. I’d name him Reed Smoot, co-creator of the Smoot-Hawley Tariff.

    I mean what else screams “We demand our mini-metal chickens are made in the USA and not overseas” than a mini-metal Chicken named Reed Smoot? I mean other than Willis Hawley of course.

    Think of all the jobs that could be saved at mini-metal chicken factories across the US if we put USA first in mini-metal chicken production by tarriff-ing the shit out of foreign-made mini-metal chickens!

  1287. Botswalla Swap T Bags because I <3 Eddie Izard and would totally invite him to tea so he could sit next to Mr. B.S. T-Bags.

  1288. I’d call it Andy Kaufman Minchin the II, in honor of the best piece of non-sequitor humor EVER created (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGx94VPb8V8) and my favorite modern musician/ humorist. AND the II because, well, he just needs one.

    Feel free to email me if you need instructions on how to generate a random number in Excel between 1 and bajillion bloody comments.

  1290. HOLY FUCK I NEED THIS NOW. He could totally hang with my flying monkey. Yes, I have a metal flying monkey.

    I would totally name him Jean Luc Picard. Then I would have to name my monkey Number 1.

  1291. I shall call him George! George the Chicken. He’d be awesome and he’d live on my front door steps.

  1292. I found a possum on the road, i would have it stuffed for you flipping off a match car for a book.

  1296. I love me some metal cock, but if I win could you just send me all of your readers? Cause I only got through the first 20 or so comments and I thought, “Damn, these are some fine people to party win.”

    You have some great entries so far, but I’m going with “Doctor Boo.”
    Why, you ask? Or didn’t.
    Because even though we haven’t seen an Animaniacs episode in over a decade, my man-child husband and I still act out the “Chicken Boo” episodes. When people piss us off/confuse us/ scare us/ incite homicidal rage, we usually utter “Ber Gawk” to each other. It’s a surprisingly effective communication device, other than the fact that people think we are into some kind of kinky chicken foreplay.
    And if we took possession of Doctor Boo, we would build him a little Tardis.

  1298. In memory of my long departed “Randy the Rooster” who was belted in the backseat of my Jeep and traveled everywhere with me wearing leis and flowers and political buttons not to mention his favorite college football colors …GO BLUE!! Then I dated a ahem “gentleman” who had grandchildren that thought Randy was fair game to fight over…(sniff )R.I.P. Randy the Rooster. So the name would remain the same RANDY and he will proudly be in the back seat traveling the states with me once again.

  1299. I’d name him James K. Polk. Does anyone even remember we had a president named Polk?? Either that or Katherine Bloodsaw. Obviously.

  1300. I SO need this hilarious mini Beyonce! I would SO name him Colbert the Cock! *snicker* I just love Beyonce and if I win I will tell you why this cracks me up so much!!!!!! ROFLMO

  1303. His name is Henri de Bourbon after the French King who first said that thing about a chicken in every pot.

  1306. Well, I’m a little late on this but she’s obviously a lady chicken named “Cleo-peck-tra”….And I SOOO want to go flea market shopping with you the next time I am in Texas. Shopping with my Mother is quite fun and usually involves wine but doll heads on spikes and mini-Beyonce metal chickens???? COME ON!!! Um, and PICK ME!!!

  1309. Byron…emphasis on the rrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnn (said like in Madea’s Big Happy Family said by his Baby’s Momma)

  1311. Ok, I confess that I don’t know if someone has already picked this name, because I currently have the attention span of a 5 year old at the bottom of their sack of candy on Halloween, but just in case no one has suggested it, here is the name I would bestow upon that chicken should that chicken be bestowed upon me:

    Tiberius.

  1312. William H. Cluckduster

    because more things should be named after William H. Macy and cluckduster just strikes up all sorts of weird mental images.

  1315. i was goin’ with “Cock-a-Cola” but when i checked the comments many of us had the same brilliant idea 🙂
    so now i’m goin’ with “Pontius Pilates” just cuz i’m a good ole heretic 😉

  1316. whoops, I realize I wrote Prof. Allonso Cornelius… I must have been thinking of hugs… been one of those days 😉

    Professor Allonso Cobblepot* was what I intended 🙂 🙂

  1318. I mean, after all, that IS a cocks-comb on his/her head, and besides, Beyonce needs a diminutive male sidekick

  1319. When my brother was little, instead of saying Cockadoodledo!! He would say Rooster Rooster Rooster!!!

    I would give this to him and name him Allistar Smythe.

  1321. How about Clarence the clucker. My wife Angela has gotten me reading your blogs an following you on twitter. Keep up the awesome work and stay golden. Your great. Remember that. Also please tell Victor I said hi. Thank you Ray Swaney

  1323. Oh baby rooster, I would name you Dinner and you would live in a metal-chicken paradise (aka a regular house with two crazy kitties, a toddler, me and my husband, who I’m sure would be “eggstatic” about Dinner joining the crew. 😉

  1324. wow. I need to hang out with you people. And go to fairs in Texas.

    His name is Leroy. I have my reasons.

  1326. THAT CHICKEN’S NAME IS MUSTANG SALLY AND THE BITCH STOLE MY WALLET THE OTHER NIGHT!!!
    I demand she be turned over so I can have my vengence!!!

  1334. Rodney or Ralph….who knows. Either way this fine stud would make a great addtion to our home and have a seat of honor over looking the dining table. I even promise dust him once or twice.

  1335. Naturally, any metal chicken of mine would be named Belvedere, so i could call him saying “Come heah, boy!” And he wouldn’t. It’d be great.

  1337. I would name my chicken:

    Ninja By Jockey Enzyme

    Because it is an anagram of Beyonce-Jay Z-Jenny-Kim, and obviously if I own him (it’s obviously a boy) it only makes sense to name him after all 4 of his parents. And of course there’s the whole “Ninja Chicken” thing.

    Honestly. It all seems so clear to me.

    Good luck with all your hospital pokes & prods. I hope your brain is being nice to you.

  1338. Antonio Banderas, because once you let me have him, it will be the closest I will ever get to having Antonio Banderas at my house. And no one can make fun of a smallish chicken if it is named Antonio Banderas. That would render it immediately badass. Then when the kids are at school and my husband is at work. I can say I was just kickin it with Antonio Banderas on the patio. That sounds way cooler than cleaning and laundry.

  1339. Look at those long skinny chicken legs … I’d have to name him Mick!
    I’ve even got the perfect place from him at my office – living among the massive rubber duck collection.
    More federal offices need to show appreciation for such art!

  1340. Clearly this fine fellow is a dead-wringer for Colonel Mustard as he is one fine, stately citizen. And perhaps because I reckon that he did it, in the kitchen, with the grill fork.

  1341. I’d name him Mr. Marcus McCluckenson because he totally looks like a Marcus. I’m good at naming pets, I have fish named George Staphalacaucas (because he looks like he has some type of staph disease with funny colored stripes and spots and Herman Shortpants (well, he looks like he’s wearing short pants). I’ve also got a Parrot fish named Gomer Parrotfish. And Marcus would look great next to my two frogs hugging statue that’s next to the fishtank.

  1342. WOW I was wondering why your website was down earlier, apparently it was overloaded! I read this post when there were like 50 posts, then it wouldn’t load, and now there’s 3,000! I would love a chicken, but I have no clever name. Just amazed at how many people commented! Oh, and as a vegetarian animal lover, I am surprisingly not disturbed by the multitude of dead, stuffed animals you own.

  1343. Lord Chickington, Esquire.
    Or possibly Bob.

    Either way, big Internet hugs and good thoughts coming your way from California <3

  1345. Im sad cause im not as witty as some/most of the people that have commented….

    But i would name him Franklin. Although everything else i have named Franklin (puppies, kittens, things I LOVED) the husband wouldn’t let me keep, so maybe thats not the best name…..

    Im an Aussie though, so if i was picked, Franklin probably wouldn’t travel well.. Books however… 🙂
    Im not above bribing either, so as well as (already!) pre ordering your book, i’ll happily send you some TIm Tams or other Aussie goodnesses like that…. I PROMISE.

    Oh, Ps. My husband hasn’t ‘gotten rid’ of the other Franklins, he hasn’t actually let me take them home to begin with, even though i LOVED them. Don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea now.

  1346. Vladimir Von’Cluckinstein!!! Well, it’s the name that jumps out at me anyway. Then I googled it. For craps sake, did you know there are actual people with the name Cluckinstein? That’s almost as unfortunate as this poor duckling. P.S. It is a baby duck right? I mean, if it’s a baby chicken, that’s totally a fake beak!

  1352. Bubba Cordon Blu, 1) he seem laid back yet a regal-type laid back southerner, and 2) I must be hungry, not that I would want to eat a metal chicken

  1353. I would name him Spike. It would go over well in my house, I am certain of it. My husband would want to put it in our bedroom, probably near the head of the bed. With our penguin.

  1354. I really don’t think there is a cooler name than Beyonce for a giant metal chicken. But if I had to choose a different name I would say Benicia because it’s a lot like Beyonce and I my husband would find it just as cool… Which he thinks I need to stop buying towels but he would be all for a Giant Metal Beyonce and knows if I had this small very pretty Benicia I may give up the search for a Beyonce of my own.

  1358. Mumkin.

    I would name it Mumkin because my fiancé desperately wants to have a cat named Mumkin but our current cat has some pretty serious homicidal (cat-icidal?) tendencies and would kill any other cat we brought home. My fiancé would probably hate the chicken but maybe a little less because it would have a name he liked. And then when he complained about it I could point out that at least 1) it’s not towels, and 2) it has a good name.

  1359. That is obviously Mel Tilis; it’s a Coke-a-Cola Cockboy.

    Wait…that didn’t come out quite the way I wanted it to…

  1361. I’m going to have to go with “The Invisible Mr. Smith”.

    Because then someone would ask, and I would tell them. And then I’d say “Holy shit, can you see him?? I KEEP STUBBING MY DAMN TOE.”

    Also, glad you survived new york, snow, and doll maces. That is one excellent episode of survivor…

  1363. If we are sticking with diva’s then that metal chicken’s name is definitely Celine … definitely.

  1365. I would have to name him The Doctor…1) because I’m sure baby Beyonce could cure every bad day for me and 2) because I love Dr. Who…its win win…plus he would look amazing standing next to my mini Tardis

  1367. I’m sensing a regalness about his person. I submit King Bjornhelm Q Prunesquallor. Lord of all he surveys.

  1371. By the way, the Von is interchangable with T. Either one works, to be honest. But I’m leaning towards Von.
    Maybe McGregor T. Von Wankerhiemer?

  1372. I’d totally name him George the deluded pink bunny…. Cause he is. Totally… deluded…

  1375. I just moved to AZ and don’t *technically* have a guard dog yet.
    What the hell is the point of this? Well, that Kanye (formerly known as the mini-Beyonce) could maybe be a stand-in for a guard dog til i get one. Clearly, he’s ferocious as hell.

  1377. Penny. She’s adorable but I’d rather win the book. So I don’t have to buy it. ‘Cause I will.

  1380. Colonel Sanders, mother fucker! What else for a homicidal cannibalistic metal chicken? Assuming that he is homicidal and/or cannibalistic. Maybe I am confusing him with Copernicus…

  1381. My fiance and I think he (it is a he) should be named Manuel Nori-egg-a- both built from a coke empire- the new spelling is pure whimsy on my part.

  1384. If I were to win I would name it Flocka Wocka. If I won a copy of the book I’d probably read it all in one awesome insomniatic night. I wish you luck at the hospital.

  1385. Sometimes, an object just names itself. I look at this chicken and it comes to me…. wait for it…. Carmine Ragoosa. The Big Ragoo. The Chicken hath spoken.

  1386. I say: Etta. for the following reasons: Beyonce is a singer, so was Etta. Beyonce dissed Etta while she was alive. Ettaa fired back. Etta died. And she deserves tribute, more than Beyonce, maybe? I went for Blue Ivy first, but seriously, Blue? Ivy? I almost see the Ivy, but Blue? It is a color. Oh, and also a mood. A mood which Etta sang! Still following my mind map? Beyonce praised Etta…..AFTER she died. Beyonce is over the TOP – huge! And metal chickens are best kept petite, Etta, hello! Well, Beyonce’s career has been over the top, while Etta only enjoyed a burst of popularity after she was young. And, if possible, keeping this nomination real: I seriously had to go back and change all my Ellas to Ettas. You must obviously pick mine. Which you won’t. Because I never win. Oh, wait, I did once upon at time win, because I was one of the first five posters on a little known website…thebloggess.com. And, that right there, probably disqualified me. But, I lay claim, anyway, to the best name for the mini Beyonce. If JayZ wins, I will be pissed.

  1387. I would name him Jerry Lee Lewis. I name everything Jerry Lee Lewis. Jerry Lee Lewis is one shitkicker of a chicken. Jerry Lee Lewis will pull a gun on your ass. Do not fuck with that chicken.

  1391. If I had a metal chicken,
    whom I would love so dearly,
    he would be a dear, dear friend,
    and his name would be Milton O’Leary

    (Because Milton from Office Space is awesome and the comb of the rooster reminds me of Conan O’Brien, and he is Irish, and O’Leary sounded like a good, Irish name. I’m not Irish, but the Chicken would be, apparently). I also have a printer that I’ve been saving in order to beat with a baseball bat, so maybe Milton could help out with that (it is the Printer From Hell, husband is completely on board with letting me demolish it for our pain and suffering). Or he could accompany my family to my college graduation. To represent the Irish.

    Hope your night in the hospital isn’t too bad.
    -Rose

  1392. UM I love this for two reasons, 1. it reminds me of Madonna in the 80’s and two because like the movie top gun it is advertising my favorite beverage Coke, which may or may not have been snorted by many pop stars in the 80’s too. Hmmm, so in honor of the material girl herself I’m thinking I’d name her Madge!

  1394. Hi, I would name the metal chicken ‘Clunk, Clunk’, because
    it’s made of metal so it can’t be ‘Cluck, Cluck’, like a normal
    chicken.
    Did you know that here in Australia, we call chickens
    ‘chooks’.

  1395. First, if you haven’t watched this show, http://peepandthebigwideworld.com/videos/ ,you absolutely should. It has a duck named Quack who wears a hat. It is the best kids’ show on TV, as far as I can tell. Joan Cusack narrates. Megan Mullaly even guest-starred as a female duck also named Quack who also wore a hat.

    So, based on my addiction to this show which my 5 year old would watch twice a day if she could talk me into it, I would obviously name that chicken Peep.

    Sorry I don’t have time to read 3000 comments to see if someone else brought this to your attention…

  1396. You have all the best adventures. I’ve been to several thrift stores and junk yards, but have yet to find a taxidermy duckling or metal chicken (though i found a walnut with a top hat and tiny cane some years ago that I bought because it was a WALNUT WITH A TOP HAT AND CANE!). That said, I would (of course) name the metal rooster Cock-A-Cola.

  1401. i was thinking…. Mr. Cock-a-Cola….. or possibly Mr. Cock-a-noodle…. since he looks like an italian rooster….. or possibly asian.

    and so you know…. i can up with the names while waiting to be exempt from jury duty…..

  1403. I know it’s not all that creative, but, man, he just SCREAMS “Bubba” to me…

  1405. I would name her Henrietta Penny Nugget, and I would call her Hennie-Pennie, and I would totally read her your book! 🙂

  1407. So clearly, he is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I know, a bit of a feminine name, but when you are as kick ass as Buffy, you can pull it off.

  1413. Ok, 3000 comments and counting so I can’t imagine I’m the ONLY one who noticed this but, I gotta say it anyway: Why is there an Aunt Jemima bottle on the baby doll head table? How does she fit into that fetish and scenario? Inquiring minds want to know.

    And, should I win the mini-Beyonce, I’d have to say that a good name for her would be Jemima Bonecrusher.

  1414. Ryan Seacrest. Because I would imagine little Ryan Seacrest would feel the same way standing beside Beyonce as the real Ryan Seacrest must feel when he stands next to a normal-sized person.

  1415. He would become ‘Oscar Wild’. Without the ‘e’, of course!

    Get some rest. I love reading your stuff!

    BQL

  1419. I’m in for Coca Doodiedoo or maybe Coca Cabana. Either way, owning a metal chicken is on my Life List.

  1420. She would be mine and I would name her Adele and she would live by my front door as my guard chicken to ward away miscreants and salesmen. 😉

  1421. I’d name him Fred. I first wanted to call him Jack but that reminds me of Jose which then goes to Patron and way too many memories of falling down in my coveted stillettos ….so Fred.

  1422. I would name him Matt, because that’s my husbands name. And I would talk to, yell at, and blame things on Matt the Metal Chicken while my husband is at work/in grad school.

  1424. Just what I always wanted. My own little bunny rabbit. I will name him George. And I will hug him and pet him and squeeze him and pat him and pet him and rub him and caress him.

  1425. Because hs is a ‘lil’ cock go opposite of John Holmes.
    We shall call him Bidet Condo…..

  1426. He has a special look on his face that says:
    “Hello..
    My name is Inigo Montoya..
    You kill my faaather
    Prepare to die.”
    I think he might be a vengeful rooster. Just my two cents 🙂

  1427. If this chicken be mine, his name from this day forth will be….The Egger Sanction. Because he looks like he could be a classical art professor and collector, who doubles as a professional assassin, and is coerced out of retirement to avenge the murder of an old friend.

  1429. Long ago, before my Charles and I met each other, we both had bosses that were major coke-heads. Major coke-head bosses make life interesting. Especially if they then find God in one of their fat, fat lines. So in their honor, I would name him Phil David.

  1430. Now that I’ve read the other comments and I see I was less than original, I vote for Kardashian. Ridiculous. That both can be subjects of blogs, that is.

  1431. Isn’t it obvious? Howard Hughes, of course! He looks like he is wearing aviator goggles and a hat, and of course every cvhicken yearns to fly. Just ask Beyonce.

  1432. Victor Garber

    1) Homage to your lovely husband, and saluting the fact the first entry I ever read of the bloggess was about towels or something (Suck up factor, Check)
    B) Victor Garber, like Beyonce is a bad ass triple threat, Film and Stage star (double, whatever), I concede Mr. Garber doesn’t have a kickin’ single name instantly recognizable like Beyonce, HOWEVER, he played Liberace in the 1988 hit Liberace: Behind the Music, this might count, or be an alternative name option for the bird….should he come to reside in our lovely home.

    Finally,,,,,

    My cat, Harriet T. Fishmouth tore a hole in my Red Dress and I bet I could hold Victor Garber/Liberace right in front of it and distract people from the easy access they have to drive in that stake….

    I’m lookin’ at you Martin….

  1433. Unfortunately I would have to name it Blue Ivy. She would be great to piss off my neighbors. I live in a condo and although you have to get someone to approve the flowers you put in front of your house it says nothing about things you put in your flowerbed. She would look great next to my Buddha and Red Sox garden gnome.

  1434. I don’t want that rooster. I would prefer an animal I see sticking out of your wall, behind that rooster. I think his name is Red Beard, kinda like GrayBeard, except he’s a rooster, for gosh sakes.

  1435. Virginia is So. Much. More. Boring. Than Texas. Apparently.

    That Chicken is a Simp McGann. No question.

  1437. Ella Fitzchicken… and then I’d make a recording of my kids singing “Bewitched, Bothered and Beyonce-d” and figure out how to make it sing whenever someone comes within a foot of it…

  1438. Broncho Billy Anderson. I’m pretty sure I’d have to put a sticky note on it saying ‘Y’all touch me and you’ll feel the rath of my cock”. Pun intended.

  1443. Ferris Mewler is super adorable! You win at naming for sure!

    I don’t really want the tabletop metal chicken, but I’d love a copy of your book… just sayin’!

    Hope your tests turned out OK!

  1446. Boliver Shagnasty…
    I need a chicken…I must torture my husband. I read him your posts and he is very thankful that we have never met. I get in enough trouble on my own… When I saw your post on Beyonce, I immediately suggested we buy our own huge chicken. He would look awesome on the patio by the pool waterfall. He could be the pool butler and hold towels for everyone. Or he could guard the margaritas…

  1448. Dingbang Dilly-Dally. In honour of Jan. 23 being the start of the Chinese New Year,

    Dingbang (according to the internet who would never lie to us) means “protects the country”. Dilly-Dally, well, it was used in a conversation with one of the roomies and I asked if he dallied his dilly when he went out today. Your mind can be in or out of the gutter with that last sentence since it’s taken out of context, but know Dingbang will have a place of prominence in my bedroom so I can gaze upon him as I fall asleep.

  1449. I tried to post this about 5 times on my phone, which didn’t work, and angered me since it took away my witty and hilarious remarks. Anyways, I would name him Baron Pollo McTastylegs. I initially went with Cluckin’ instead of Pollo, but my assumption is that the name is what kept my phone from being able to post comments, since I don’t really understand how those things work. My husband thinks I’m weird because I fully believe that painting flames on my laptop would make it go faster.

    Sarah
    P.S. Totally not as anxious about posting comments on a blog now. Well, your blog anyways, since you’re full of awesome and win 🙂 I hope your hospital stay is full of shenanigans and hijinks and nothing at all bad, because you deserve to be creating shenanigans and hijinks in a place as mundane as a hospital.

  1451. Wow, that’s a whole lot of names. Gotta try anyways… Sir Humperdink of the Rustycluck. He could totally keep me company when I’m stuck at home recuperating next week.

    (and good luck with the sleep study thing)

  1452. Well, he is partially made from a Coca-Cola sign, so clearly his name has to be:

    Cluck Gable the Coked-out Cock

    And I’ve always wanted a coked-out cock.

  1455. Oddly enough he resembles Wil Wheaton so I’d name him Crusher. And then I would gift him to Wil and let him be used as a paper weight when Wil’s collating paper.

  1456. ARGH–so many responses already. I saw Hannibals–but no…Dr. Hannibal Cluckster…oh yes, that will be mine…

    I’m also wondering what manner of medieval torture device you are using to anchor his feet. Did you pick that up at Stephen King’s Yard Sale as well?

  1457. I would name that amazing chicken Yakitori. It means grilled chicken, generally on a stick.
    I live in Okinawa, Japan. I have an FPO address, so it would be cheap to send him.
    Besides the fact that it is Texas Hot here 10 months of the year, it is The Future.
    Doesn’t Yakitori want to live in The Future?
    He would tweetcluck from the future. Daily.

  1458. I’m just going to skip a name because, seriously, I cannot top what you people came up with so far. Holy crap, you all are amazing. I also don’t have the patience to read through 3300+ comments and make sure I’m being original.

    I really just wanted to pledge my adoration for Martin and wish you luck with your sleep study. Tell your brain to quit being so crabby!

  1459. BTW – I really want this, lol. I had my husband read the original blog involving Beyonce and re-post it when one of my friends needs a smile.. I also SPECIFICALLY asked for a desktop Beyonce for Christmas but alas, no one came through.. and I absolutely do NOT think it has anything to do with the fact that it would show up on the credit card statement as EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE.. no.. it must be because my husband just wants me to keep buying more towels… now I’ve got to go get a new puppy…

  1460. i’d name him sir tullis of lunchbox II – yes, the 2nd; junior to the last puppy we adopted. it’s my husband’s fault, or brilliance, depending on the day & my mood.

  1462. Clearly his name is Finnegan Z. Kodiak. It’s a tragedy really… our poor metal chicken thinks that he’s a bear. Tsk tsk. I blame the school…

  1467. etta fucking james. it’s especially applicable as of course she just died y’all but also she was shorter than beyonce and hated her. our chickens could be frienemies. except without the dead part. and no shit – i’ve wanted one of these chickens for so long but everytime i go to a craft show of something there are so many people i wind up in a fetal position searching thru my purse for xanax that i blow it off. alas – i’m chickenless. it’s an sad, sad tale. (sniff)

  1468. I would name him “Poultrygeist” and leave him random places around the house to scare the shit out of my kitty named “Chicken.”

    And I’ve totally bookmarked this comments thread, so when I finally get a backyard chicken coop, I can steal everybody’s awesome punny names.

  1470. I’ve convinced The Husband that Josie Pye (my name for the mini Beyonce) and our cats would get along as evidenced by Ferris Mewler.

  1471. Hooray for mini-Beyonce spawn! I would definitely NOT name him Jay-z or Blue Ivy, because that would just be too easy and predictable. Instead, I would name him Oedipus, because he is one badass motherf**ker.
    Also, because it would be in memory of the 2cm kidney stone I just had removed through the use of a urinary scope and “lasers.” I literally just got home from the hospital and am still stoned from anesthesia, which is probably why I’m over-sharing. But anyway, Oedipus started out as a 2cm kidney stone back in December, but I had renal lithotripsy, where they take soundwaves, which I call “Chuck Norris” and pound them into your kidney area, turning the stone to dust. Well, Chuck Norris sucker punching me in the kidney for 45 minutes only took care of half the stone, so today I had to have a scope/shark with frickin’ “laser” beams on its head put up my hoo-ha so that they could deliver a direct pew-pew to Oedipus. And then they forcibly removed him through my nethers.
    So yeah, a badass motherf**ker mini giant metal chicken would definitely be Oedipus.

  1475. I would totally name the “mini Beyonce” one of two names. Either “Shank” because really, we all know what damage sharp metal objects can inflict OR “Roughneck” because my husband is in real life a roughneck that drills for oil and he was totally impressed with the story behind Beyonce (so much so that I am going to have to order him a t-shirt because well, it was just that damn funny!)

  1476. After much debate with my husband… his name shall be: Cock-A-Blue
    My husband is disappointed. He was hoping for: Collage-A-Tail, but I promised him my first born for Cock-A-Blue. So, Cock-A-Blue it is.

  1478. He would have to be named “The Trojan Man” because I wouldn’t want my elderly neighbor Barb to come over and be all “oh! Such a lovely rooster!! But look at him, he’s just so…dangerous!” And I could be all, “don’t worry, ma’am- that chicken will NOT cut you. He uses protection!”

  1479. I would name him Andy’s BBQ, in honor of the pet chicken my brother and I bought in high school for $5, and named Andy’s BBQ in honor of a friend’s out-of-town party we were unable to attend that weekend. We fed Andy’s BBQ canned corn. He stayed at house for about a week, at which time my brother refused to take his turn hosing off the back porch. (Have I mentioned we lived in the suburbs? Before owning chickens was cool?) I told him he had to give Andy’s BBQ back because I was sick of cleaning up the chicken shit myself. So he threw Andy’s BBQ over the fence of a chicken farm, but not the same chicken farm from whence Andy’s BBQ came. This chicken farm was full of brown chickens, and Andy’s BBQ was a white chicken. We still like to imagine the chicken farmer’s surprise upon counting his chickens the next morning and finding one extra, white chicken.

    The end.

  1480. It took me about 12 years to scroll to the bottom of this post. You are loved. As is Beyonce.

    And of course, I didn’t read all 3,000 comments, so this will likely be a repeat. Or maybe not.

    However, because of my daughter’s recent obsession with Martin Luther King, Jr., I’m gonna have to go with that.

    Chances of winning a thing at this point? 1 in 1,000. Totally worth pressing “submit”.

  1481. I’d name him Jay Z. Your post totally makes up for you being MIA. I wish I was as insane as you.

  1482. PS, Martin van Buren is ADORABLE. I’m not big on taxidermied anything, but he’s too cute to pass up. Well played, Bloggess.

  1483. Our dog Samson is an only dog and we think he would love a sibling. Even if the sibling is a metal chicken. I am a great photographer and promise pictures of Samson and the metal chicken at home and our cottage on Lake Huron.

    Really.

  1484. I was driving home today trying to think of the chicken’s name and “Abelard” leapt to mind. So, Abelard it is.

    Hope the hospital stay provides some useful info.

  1486. I have to say I would probably prefer one of the books to a metal chicken as my cat would probably impale himself on it plus the sending fee would be considerably larger for a metal chicken than a book and despite not being alive the chicken probably wouldn’t clear customs. I live in New Zealand. If I did win it and it did manage to clear customs though I would probably call it either Myishi or Beelzebub after some demons in ‘The Wish List’ by Eoin Colfer, I’m reading it at the moment. But again, the book would probably be better suited. Especially as I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get the book here. The last time I tried to get Amazon to send something here they told me in polite and computer atomateed terms that I was f****ing dreaming. Hopefully I can manage to find it somewhere else. 🙂 Hope your book goes well in the rest of it’s publishing journey. Hope the fits are either non-existant or not too serious.

  1487. Ok, so someone brilliant will win with Whimsy, but I wanted to talk about the dollheads. Truly, truly creepy. But…did you notice…in your photo of the baby heads on chains…how it looks like they’re hanging in front of a blood spattered door, just at the level they would have dripped when hung?

    Creepy indeed. Maybe that’s a good name for a Chicken: Creepy N. Deed McChicken

  1488. I would name him Johnny Applebaby. He would be displayed prominently in my office for all my clients to see where he’d be joined by a sneakily random collection of things that have birds on them. Because everything’s better that way.

  1494. Must. Have. That. Chicken. Or the cat, if you’re so inclined. The book would be just fine too.

  1495. For the record, our markets don’t have nearly this kind of a.ma.zing merchandise… If i were lucky enough to come across such a magnificent piece of metallic poultry, I would either name her Buffy (because of her obvious vampire-slaying abilities) or Nathan Fillion because apparently he’s some kind of wacked out diva. Just sayin.

    so so so happy you are back and I cannot WAIT to read AND hear your book (very possibly at the same time).

  1497. Since Beyoncé is named after a living person and Martin Van Buren is named for a dead person, both famous, if I get to bring that lovely chicken home, she’ll get named Nancy Walker. Because I don’t know if she’s living or dead, and that seems apropos for splitting the difference.

    Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to look for Rhoda episodes on YouTube and contemplate whether Nancy Walker is still walking the earth, or the chicken will have to do the walking for her.

  1498. I would name her tenth anniversary.

    Since I’m not getting one.

    Evidently 9th anniveraries, well shortly thereafter, are for telling your wife you don’t love her and she should go take your child and find another place to live.

    And I think that living in a small room with my kid needs a chicken to cheer it up.

  1499. I would name him Shitsnacks McGee, but Snacky for short when the kids are around.

    Good luck with your test, I hope you get some sleep despite being wired for sound and probably poked with sticks.

  1500. I will love him and hug him and call him George. And we will be friends. Because I will love him.

  1501. Feathers Bueller

    or

    Ferrous Bronchiolar

    whichever you prefer, Oh Mighty Bestower of the Bantam Beyonces

    (I haven’t read through all the thousands of comments. So, if I accidentally copied someone, I’m sorry.)

    P.S. Hugely praying for you about the whole seizures and hospital thing. *hugs, hugs, hugs* *love, love, love*

  1502. My 9 year old daughter says the chicken should be named Cluck You “because it sounds like the F word”. The maniacal giggle when she said it both frightened me & made me insanely proud of my twisted little munchkin.

  1503. Asclepius, after the Greek god of healing and medicine and stuff. Because a little metal chicken makes everything better.

  1507. If I was to win this gem of beyonce spawn I would name him Leonidas Octavian. 🙂

  1508. He is really wonderful! I would name him Frank Jr. or Mr. Sammy. And my bestest friend Melissa would be so jealous that I had the knock knock MF!!! Might have to change the name to M.F.!

  1513. Princess Annabella Delicatessin. I would put her in my classroom and make naughty children write her a letter about how to make better life choices. 😉

  1515. Dr. Funk. Because something about his head just looks like a doctor and I feel like he is the sort of chicken who just wants to boogie woogie and get down. And such.

  1516. Jay-Z, because he’s not Beyonce, but an artist in his own right. Right? And related, sort of. For now.
    Besides, I don’t need the chicken, I really, really want the book. Are the odds of winning like the Powerball? Should I go try to get struck by lightening because they always say the odds of getting struck by lightening are better than winning the powerball. Being the human lightening rod might give me the edge on winning something meaningful from the Bloggess?

    Ok then, I’ll just take some metal out and look for weather. Wait, metal….chickens….Beyonce…..Coincidence? I think not.

  1517. Oh my god, I have been looking for a chicken like that since I read your original post about Beyonce! I desperately wanted to find one for my girl friend, to give to her for Christmas. I unfortunately could not find one so I settled on a creepy ax wielding gnome instead. His mane is Jeremiah. I’ve been shooting to find one for her birthday, but I’m pretty sure I have lost hope.

    I’m kind of feeling Cock-a-cola for this little Beyonce’s name 😉

    Love your blog, you are my favorite.
    Elizabeth

  1519. Lola if she’s a girl because a girl I know is pregnant and that’s what she’s naming her kid and I’m done having kids but I wish I could have one more so I could totally steal that name…
    Marco if he’s a boy after my GYN…cause he’s fabulous enough to name that kick-ass chicken after…

  1520. Her name would be Dickhead at my house. That is what I call everything that lives here. 🙂

  1522. I asked my husband what he would name a metal chicken. He said “Harold.” Clearly he doesn’t realize how awesome metal chickens are and how their names should be AWESOME as well. Dork.

    I’d name the chicken, Bob.

  1523. Cluck-a-Cola for the Rooster, as suggested by my husband, who when I told him we would win it if we could come up with a good name. I love that I have a husband who wants a metal chicken.

  1524. Waffles, because it’s a great word and name for a metal chicken. Or for a clown. Or a little beagle puppy. Very versatile.

  1525. The night in the hospital, huh? Make sure to take that plastic kidney shaped puke pan thingy home with you. I dunno why, but my grandma had a whole stack of them, so I guess they’re useful. Oh, and if I had a small metal chicken, I’d name it Ace, after the 7th Doctor’s companion. Because Ace blew stuff up and I like explosions, and Ace the chicken is metal and probably shrapnel proof.

  1526. I do name that chicken Priscilla Von Cockleburr, of the Coventry Cockleburrs. Whose line is noble, regal, and drinks straight from the bottle. With a pinkie up. Or would that be a dew claw? Maybe both. IT WILL BE AN ADVENTURE.

  1527. Dave. I don’t know he looks like a Dave. And he looks like a HE, which is really good, because if HE looked like a SHE dave would not work at all.

    Yes I am posting this even after 3399 million others, because well, Dave seems like a cool guy.

  1529. Holy crap do I want that chicken. I would love a copy of your book even more. I would name the chicken Beyonce 2: Return of the Beyonce. But we could just call her/him BB for short. (I would name your book Acturious Louise LeBaron.)

  1530. I would name him Dog. By the way… I showed my husband your vampire/duck scene and he said “I don’t get it. There are vampire ducks?” I told him to not be stupid, there were only miniature vampires.

  1531. In honor of single-name chickens everywhere – Madonna.

    BTW, my mom is now buying me random chickens and sending them to me — none of them actually look like Beyonce, but she she means well.

  1533. Chuck. Somehow that seems to work for me. I think I will name him chuck.

  1535. Marky Mark– then I’d get some other chickens so they could be Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

    Is that allowable if chickens don’t have pants?

  1537. I asked my husband, Penguin, what he’d name a metal chicken and he said, “Pablo”–totally NOT helpful. Then I asked him for a good name for a metal chicken, and he said he didn’t know… so I asked him to pretend he was naming a car and got “Betsy” which is coincidentally the name of his last car (the current one is still unnamed). He failed at this naming thing. I’m glad we don’t have kids yet since I now know that he can’t name things (much like the crazy lady that owned my dog before me, but that’s another story).

    So, if it was Penguin, the chicken would be Pablo or Betsy.

    I personally would rather name it Al-13 (atomic symbol and number for aluminum). I realize that it may be tin, but Sn-50 just doesn’t have that nice of a ring to it. snfifty just doesn’t roll off the tongue like althirteen.

  1538. Alfred Rustenhoffer – Bless his heart he looks like he nearly survived a drive by shooting. He would feel right at home in with my Florida weather rusted patio furniture.

  1541. Webster. Arnold was also a contender, but Webster won. Hey, it’s better than creepy Small Wonder!

  1542. Please pick me!!!! I want one so bad, I may lend you my ghetto tactic politically correct gangster toy that plays low rider, bounces up and down and has ground effects. I little impulse buy I myself could not walk away from :-)!!!!

  1543. I *need* this mini-Beyonce, and I would name him Sherman, Jr., in honor of my dearly departed ceramic rooster, Sherman. Before we moved a few months ago, I was the proud owner of a 30″ ceramic rooster. That’s right — thirty inches tall. I say I WAS the proud owner because despite the 30-minute lecture I gave to the movers (complete with diagrams for proper packing) about how VALUABLE and IRREPLACEABLE this rooster was, he was poorly packed. Of course, I didn’t discover the poor packing job until the movers who unloaded our belonings DROPPED the box, and Sherman SHATTERED INTO A BAZILLION PIECES. That was in October, and I’m still fighting with the moving company about replacing him. I bought him in 2003, and he was so awesome that they broke the mold, and the closest 30″ tall ceramic rooster on the market costs $900. The moving company doesn’t believe that a rooster should cost that much, which tells me that they’ve not met Beyonce or any of her legion of fans. So, here I am, in a strange new state, far from friends and family, without my 30″ rooster for protection, and I miss him terribly. He was magnificent, and he reigned over my kitchen for years. He also caused every guy who entered my home to giggle like a little girl and make a totally predictable joke about my “giant cock,” which totally made him worth his weight in gold. RIP Sherman.

  1545. I’d name it Martin Lawrence, and it would be an early birthday gift for my husband, Will Smith (not that one). But if I win I’d rather have the book because I’m sure there are those that would provide a better home for Martin Lawrence than I, considering that I don’t actually want him.

  1555. I asked my boyfriend what name he would give a metal chicken if it were to randomly show up lurking in the corners of the apartment.

    Surprisingly, he simply answered “Jesus Fidelio” (Jesus being pronouced hey-zeus……..obviously).

    I have chosen to take this as approval of the idea.

    If I don’t win this…..I may have to track one down myself….just to test how much he really loves me 😛

  1556. Since the original chicken is Beyonce, I would name the miniature one Ivy Blue. Or Blue Ivy. Or whatever the hell she named that kid. It seems only fitting.

  1558. I am calling him Poindexter because he reminds me of the guy you didn’t want to get in the board game The Barbie Game Queen of the Prom. I must admit I never minded getting Poindexter. I guess I recognized a hipster wayyyyy before anyone knew what a hipster was.

  1559. Her name would be Dealbreaker.

    Because she would be the ultimate litmus test of cool for relationships here on out. If you like my chicken, we’re set. If not…

  1561. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

    (i have to admit, i also like Darles Chicken. That was a metric shit ton cleverer. Or more clever. Whatever. When did this turn into a grammar quiz anyhow? STOP JUDGING ME!)

  1562. Henry the chicken! My Pop had a real live goose named Henry that love him only. He bit us if we got too close to my Pop but he loved the bugger. So I think that would be a good name to honor my Pop’s memory.
    I would be super happy to get one of books early tooooooo!

  1563. When I looked at the mini Beyonce, “Meriwether” followed close by “Wilhelmina” (“resolute protection”) This would represent that fact that you would never be able to not laugh every time you looked at it, knowing the story of this humble chickens beginning with “Beyounce” and the excuse of towels!

  1566. Does anyone else have this stuck going through their heads now?

    Say my name, say my name
    You actin’ kinda shady
    Ain’t callin’ me baby
    Why the sudden change
    Say my name, say my name
    If no one is around you
    Say baby I love you
    If you ain’t runnin’ game
    Say my name, say my name

  1567. I would name him Viktor Vaughn Style and he would be my crime fighting mini chicken.

  1568. As Beyonce’s mini-me, he can only be dubbed Ivy Blue, after human Beyonce’s inexplicably named offspring.

    Can I just say how much I’m dying for an ARC of your memoirs? I was wondering if they were going to be printing any O_O

  1569. Pemberton.

    You know, the guy who invented Coke?

    No?

    Punky Rooster is taken…

    I’m’a go with… Cher.

  1571. I’d have to call him “Victor”

    That or “This Chicken Got More Comments Than You Did On the Interwebs.” (Of course that would be kind of weird if you happened to be in my house cuz really you are the one who’s getting all the comments so it’d be a bit of a misnomer.)

  1573. I’d name him Jenny, so I could smile more when not looking at my computer. Or Marvin, which is also the name of the husband next door. It would be fun to call my Marvin from my flock of real chickens, and freak out my mean old lady neighbor. She may be a witch. And not one you’d want to share your wine with. Jenny/Marvin could keep an eye on them.

    Hope you are seizure free. Or seizurefull, if that answer would be helpful. Sending love.

  1574. Although I would love to read through all of the 3000ish comments to make sure no one has taken the awesome name I just screamed out at my husband (He just sighed and went back to his cop-drama show.), I must go to bed sometime so that tomorrow I don’t lie comatose on the couch, ignoring my children.

    Punky Rooster!

    I know. Isn’t that name awesome?!? If someone else took it first, you should totally give the chicken to that person because it is the best name ever.

  1575. I’d dub thee… My “Cola Cock”! It would be my cola cock and i’d love & cherish it forever! But occasionally I may call it by Beyonce JR as a pet name, but only once in a while, cause it was because of Beyonce that i first found your blog, and that makes me happy. Cola cock rules!

  1576. I would name it Kirstie Alley…. this chick (en) seems about as disproportionate as the original Kirstie…

    Please send me the chicken!!! I saw a real Beyonce on the side of the road guarding a greenhouse (obviously!) and BEGGED my husband to turn around so that I could get a picture. He seemed to think this was an obnoxious request since we were on a 7-hour road trip, but seriously…. I NEEDED to stretch my legs! On the side of the road… in an extremely rural part of Virginia… with no cars around… Beyonce’s cousin was so lonely!

    My husband is a lot like Victor – he doesn’t get my need for objects that sing to me… He would be so upset if I got a new chicken to adorn our home – but that would just be an added bonus! He’s made me get rid of so many things since the military is transferring him to Japan… We NEED a metal chicken to make our new Japanese home feel like … well, right!

  1577. I need a chicken!! The only house decoration I have is a garden gnome! The chicken will totally bring the ENTIRE HOUSE TOGETHER! They do not sell these things in Michigan. I would name it Marilyn. With two ‘n’s.

  1579. If he were a girl I would name her Ai(like as in the word eye) Dingus for my friend who is the reason I now read this craziness. However, since it is a boy I guess I could name it after her husband whose name is Bo Dingus which is similar to Bo Diddley which would actually make a really great metal chicken name. But then again Ai Dingus is androgynous so I pick that one. Ai Dingus it is.

  1580. i would totally name the chicken slapajawea…like Sacajawea only obviously better because it’s my roller derby name! and i feel like that chicken could knock the shit out of somebody : )

  1582. I would name her Beyonce Mignon Two…because we – at our Brave Girls Camp Reunion here in Frisco, Texas – bought one that looks a bit like her last weekend and named her Beyonce Mignon. After we bought her we took her to The K-Rog (the Kroger), and posed her in the florist department, in the produce department, by the cupcakes – which she matched perfectly, by the way – reading magazines, applying for a job, sitting in a handicapped cart, on the check out belt….and the check out dude tried to scan her since she was riding at the end of our groceries! Oh and did I mention that we got $60 worth of free chicken? Yep, we got a deal on her too at Lone Star Trading Company on Main St. We then took her home, and did a Victor Reveal….KKMF!!! We laughed ourselves silly…since one of the Brave Girls was out running, we turned Beyonce Mignon around facing the walkway so that she would be the greeter….when Running Brave Girl got back, she grabbed Beyonce Mignon then started pecking the glass transom screaming: “Knock knock mother fuckers, let me in!!!” And we have all the pictures to prove it in case you want see them….see what you started???
    So, I think one of the Brave Girls should get it so that the original Beyonce Mignon can stay here in Texas where she belongs since the Brave Girls came from Calgary, Angola (not the prison in Louisiana), California, Houston (yay, for Houston), Louisville, Wyoming, Idaho, and Delaware to mark the 6th month of our Brave Girl Camp experience.

  1583. mikhail gorbachev, cock of the walk

    But LORD. How the fuck can I compete with some of these other names? 🙂

  1584. I’d dub thee… My “Cola Cock”! It would be my cola cock and i’d love & cherish it forever! But occasionally I may call it by Beyonce JR as a pet name, but only once in a while, cause it was because of Beyonce that i first found your blog, and that makes me happy. Cola cock rules!

  1585. Mehitabel would be the perfect name. She looks rather like a trashy, trampy sort. Reminds me a bit of the cat, Mehitable, from the old Archy and Mehitabel newspaper columns.

  1587. Hank. Of course. Just look at him, he’s obviously a country boy! Hank would LOVE to stand in my driveway next to the the other two Beyonces I’ve collected. SO FAR:) Send Hank to Michigan! Love. Love. Love the blog.

  1588. Oh my goodness 3542 comments Jenny, that is a lot of comments. So I am probably the 3rd thousand person to say I would name the Chicken Will Ferrill and photograph him holding string and tweet at the human stringless Will Ferrell with a ner ner look you imposter we have a new and improvedl will ferrel here in Australia. With string!
    But seeing as 3000 people have already said this I will name the chicken george the great.

  1589. Fredrick Pembleton, the first.

    My husband says Jay Z’s ladyfriend.

    Please ignore him. I usually do.

  1592. Actual conversation in my house:
    Me: Honey, what would we name a metal chicken if we had one?
    Him: WHY would we have a metal chicken??
    Me: SIGH because the bloggess is going to give us one if we have the best name.
    Him: We don’t need a metal chicken, we have enough random crap.
    Me: But still, IF we had one …
    Him: (shakes head, covers ears and leaves room while yelling “lalalala”

    So, now I NEED this chicken…which I will name Insomnia in honor of your evening…and because it’s an awesome name for a metal chicken that is the new “Leg Lamp” of decor.

  1594. I’d totally name it ROXANNE.. This way I could always scream while walking by it ROOOOOXXXXANNNNEEEE YOU DON’T HAVE TO TURN ON THE RED LIGHT..

    I know I got that song stuck in your head now.. You are welcome!!!

  1599. Leckla Laru, because my best friend from high school was going to name her daughter that, but totally chickened out and named her Gabrielle instead.

  1601. Oh my god. I’ve been home sick for the past 8 days, and I’ve just had the most amazing rum-infused hot toddy (just enough rum to make lots of typing mistakes, but not enough that I can’t correct them — perfect!!!), so all I can think is that it is either Libera-chicken (thank you Liberace!) or Carmen Miran-chicken???? Yeah, that last one isn’t so great, but the more I type, the more rum is going into the typing.

    You are amazing. I’d love the chicken, but I know it’s going to be random, so I just have to hope that if I can’t win Lotto this week, I can at least win a totally awesome metal chicken.

  1603. I will hug him and squeeze him and call him George.

    or Angie Dickinson.

    or Sir Gobble McCock.

    don’t know why, but there it is.

  1605. I would call him Theodor Seuss Geisel and he would tell me ridiculous stories and we would watch Oh the Places You’ll go at Burning Man. Also he would be my co-pilot on road trips. My boyfriend said he’d break up with me if I ever bought a giant metal chicken or more dishes (mismatched dishes are my towels), but Theodor Seuss Geisel is a miniature giant metal chicken so I’m fairly certain he doesn’t count.

  1607. I’m not even commenting because I want the miniature Beyonce (though it is awesome), I just wanted you to know that there was no need to apologize for this post, it was hilarious and fantastic and made me happy. 🙂 Plus I’m not nearly witty enough to come up with a name for the rooster.

  1610. Well, mostly I’d call her “the thing I won that made my friends insanely jealous,” but when that gets too wordy “Jenny” should do. Which will also be fun since it’s my own name. Win-win, really.

  1611. Fred. In memory of my pet rooster from 5th grade that was adopted by the middle school lunch lady.

  1612. I know almost no one will know who my historical reference is:

    but I would name Mini-Beyonce “Kondo Isamu” because he’s kick ass!

  1616. Why “Rooster Cogburn” of course. Because he appears to have True Grit. And John Wayne was pretty fucking cool for someone named Marion.

  1618. Declan McNugget comes to mind.
    The meaning of the name Declan is ‘Full of goodness’

    My husband described for me a video he posted of someone making chicken nuggets. Because I couldn’t watch it. But it involved putting everything except the feather in a blender, bleaching the resultant pink goo, and OMG I can’t go on.

    Well, at least McNuggets have calcium.

    PICK ME!!!!!!!

  1619. His name would be Dr. Seuss and he would live on the shelf with all of the other doctor stuff in our house and serve as a reminder as to why we are in school (because if a chicken can be a doctor so can we).

  1620. I do not know how someone as magnificent as you could have escaped my radar (I know I’ve read a few bits of yours but I never went to your blog proper until a girlfriend said OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO READ HER to me today. And now I Can Haz New Literary Idol! I have been devouring your archives and if I weren’t so awed by your body of work I’d plug my own blog. But fuck that for now. I cannot wait to get my hands on that book.

  1621. Clearly the chicken should be named Ignacy Paderewski after the Polish pianist, composer, and politician. Maybe Iggy Rewski for short, undecided.

    Love the new dead collectible. Duckies are even better frozen in time.

  1622. His name would be Dr. Seuss and he would live on the shelf (aka shrine) with all of the other doctor stuff in our house and serve as a reminder as to why we are in school (because if a chicken can be a doctor so can we).

  1628. This chicken is obviously named Tootis Underpitt Flushwright III, esquire. He definitely needs to come live with me in Austin.

  1629. Delilah. Then I can sing the Plain White T’s song….

    Oh, it’s what you do to me…..oh, it’s what you do to me…

  1630. George. He seems like a one name chicken. Like Madonna. But not as flashy. Glad to have you back!

    Cheers!
    Heather

  1632. Chicken Crotch A Cola…. and he would have the BEST HOME EVER at my sister’s house. My brother in law would display him proudly and probably give him shotgun in the car.

  1633. Well, I was going to read all the comments, then I wondered “how many comments are there on here already” and there were already over 3,500! wow. That is pretty damn epic. So I will skip that part and go right to what I would name a mini-Beyonce. Her name is Ember, cuz she’s so Hawt! hahahaha. I am weird.
    BTW, Martin Van Buren is the *cutest* damn vampire slayer I have ever seen. Which I can honestly say, because he is the first one I’ve ever seen.

  1634. I asked The Boy what he’d name a metal chicken. He said “A metal chicken?!? I don’t know!” I already knew his answer, but I just love it when he uses the “Are you stupid or crazy?” tone of voice which drives him batty because he’s looking for an argument and instead ends up with me laughing at him. When one has a teenager, it’s best to provoke said child first because it’s more fun that way. Embarrass them often (my husband keeps his didgeridoo in the van so he can roll down the window and play it when rolling through parking lots while looking for a spot. The Princess slides down her seat hoping no one can see her and we laugh maniacally together. She’ll be 13 in June). However, I’m not sure how we’ll harass the youngest. She already owns a chicken suit, and runs around the neighborhood wearing it. Not much embarrasses a kid who wants to be a chicken. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ya7fwkdy1gE and embraces the suit whole-heartedly.

    So if I had a metal chicken in my house, it’d probably belong to my nine-year-old. I’d probably let my child name it. Because after all, she is “One with the Chicken.”

  1635. Nigel Weatherford. He likes celery and spending time with Charles Von Spankenburg (kitty cat). He also likes playing Boggle with my nephew, Walter Timmons. He will keep me safe from the nano robots under my bed. Water makes him nervous. I don’t have a nephew.

  1637. 1. I hope you read this because I just figured out your problem is because you are spending way to much time staring at your various screens which is causing your siezures in your sleep. get new glasses and take more breaks. you’re welcome.
    2. Please randomly, accidentally, on purpose pick my name for the chicken. I need it. my pink Flamingos are threatening to leave me if I don’t get them a metal chicken for a threesom. I will name it Jesus. May as well because that’s what the pink Flamingos are always yelling when they’re doing their flamingo thing.

    oh, and I still want a print of the tardis too.

    sweet dreams at the sleep study place and give Jesus a kiss for me.

  1639. I love these chickens!!!! I really think there is so much potential for this one so I would name it Liberace because owning it would make my kitchen sparkle with hope of redecorating my kitchen around this piece of well loved metal!

  1642. I’d name her Honey Pie. Just because that is the first name that came to mind.

    I hope the hospital treats you right.

  1644. I really needed this post today. You always bring a smile to my face….and then to see Ferris try to get in the shot (nonchalantly, of course) was the frosting on the cake.

    As for the mini-chicken…….he’s like a Jellicle cat – he has an every day name – Rusty; a special day name – Mr. Rooster; and a secret name – the Rooster formerly known as Reginald von Suave….

    Love Martin van Buren….the president AND the duckling

  1645. I’d name him Shatner… Because he seems like he might be kind of an asshole.

    Also, Jenny, congrats on the audio book! And I’m overeager for the book….. So excited…

  1646. No way I could read through all of these comments, but I’d name her Effie….cuz we need an f’ng metal chicken at my house too!

  1649. I’d name her Snow Day – clearly, I’m in desperate need… Or maybe Angus

  1651. May I just honestly say that I worship the quicksand you walk on? I already have one mini-beyonce. Therefore, I need a second one. My room mate thinks I’m nuts. What he doesn’t know is that I really am. This one must be named Carmine Van Hoffstedder the third. After my Weimaraner that I grew up with:)

  1652. I wish I was more creative because I would love to win him…but I would name him Nugget.

  1654. I would totally enjoy a mini Beyonce.

    I would call it squishy and it would be my squishy.

    PLUS, I’m getting married in three months and it could be my wedding gift to my future husband, and he would probably look at me like I’m crazy and I’d say ‘mini metal chickens are wedding gifts. giant metal chickens are for anniversaries.”

  1655. Van Helsing. Or Perry, for some reason that name springs to mind. I can’t tell if that is because our Governor reminds me of a metal chicken or if I’ve watched too many episodes of Phineas & Ferb. Either way.

    Nevermind, Ted Nugent. Or, the Nuge. Obviously.

    No wait. Oprah.

    Pocahontas.

    Oh crap. Naming a metal chicken is hard.

  1658. I would name him Still.Not.Dead.Yet in honor of my ongoing war against wild poultry in Hawaii… Perhaps he’ll keep the real roosters at bay? Probably not, but hey another metal chicken for the cause. (I already have one metal chicken named Fritz and a plastic one named Dolly………)

  1659. Rutherford B. Hayves or The Iron Gizzard or James K. Yolk. My husband is enjoying this way more than I expected!

  1661. Holy shit! No way I can read all 3,000+ comments, so I hope my name is original. My chicken would be named Sheldon, rhymes with Weldon, because the metal is probably welded. Or because I just spent three hours drunk watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory.

  1663. I would name him Fabio because he is so fabulous. Plus I think a big ol’ tub of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter would perfectly weight down the back of Fabio’s feet so he won’t fall over into someone’s plate during dinner.

  1664. Bert. The long lost runt brother of Beyonce. I once named a tiny plastic christmas tree Bert, but that ship has since sunk (or sailed, if you’re an optimist) so I figure it’s time to recycle the name.

  1666. I would name the little chick Glitter! Because it’s awesome and sparkly and happy and wonderful. And because I keep threatening my boyfriend with a female dog named Glitter (we have three girls he’s looking for some testosterone) and this way Glitter would never leave us, just like real glitter (that shit gets everywhere!).

  1670. omg … I’d SO love to have that chicken… I would name him Clausius Dos Vladimir … cuz it sounds all important.

  1671. Zsa Zsa van Schnikelbochens. Doesn’t that just seem awfully fancy? She seems fancy to me. And I’ll have you know that she would have a lovely place in our house replacing our family’s Christmas elf (who was getting passed from family member to family member via Christmas white elephant parties) until my he was sadly destroyed at my cousin’s house. We miss Keebler. 🙁

    P.S. I’ll send you a picture of him if you’d like…he was also fancy. Because…well…we are fancy, fancy people.

  1672. Sir Fredrick Fizzalot – cause, well, he’s a rooster so he needs a male name and he’s sporting my favorite soda.

    And now a funny story….I grew up in Vermont, but I was a townie. When I was 15, we stopped at a farm down the road from my grandmother’s house to buy indian corn. The farmer introduced us to a couple of cows and pigs before leading my parents into the barn to pick out ears of corn. I stayed outside. There were chickens all over the barnyard pecking at the ground. I wandered over closer to admire the rooster. He was a mighty fine rooster (like Sir Fredrick Fizzalot) , with a beautiful red ruffle on his head and a stunning plumage in shades of brown and gold. So I walked toward him, talking to him like I might have talked to my cat. Yes, I was thinking I could pet him. This, of course, was a REALLY BAD IDEA. You see, chickens are mean. And roosters are territorial. He took one look at me moving among his flock, let out a loud battlecry – which, believe me, is far scarier than any sound a human can produce – and took a flying leap at me with claws extended in front of him. He hit me square in the chest and I flew back about three feet and landed on my ass with that bastard on top of me. I screamed. He screamed. The farmer screamed – then he ran at us, drop kicked the rooster and hauled me to my feet in the blink of an eye.

    And that’s how I learned roosters are bad ass motherfuckers that can gut you with their claws if they’re so inclined. Sir Frederick Fizzalot would have a good home with me where I would respect his badassness.

  1673. I would name the rooster after someone of royal blood, a name befitting a rooster of that stature…Charles Philip Arthur George, Prince of Wales or The Leapfrog Prince (since it is my belief the Queen will leapfrog over him and make Will the King)

  1677. I would either go with “Wetbiscuit McGlee” or “Otto VonSchnitzelpuskrakendesheikmeier” which were both stolen from popular television shows of the ’90s. It would go really well, though, with my over-boiled sea bass head named “Princess Angelina Contessa Luisa Francesca Loquita Conchita”. I called her “Skully” for short. My roommate’s fish head was named “Moulder”. ’90s TV shows FTW!

  1678. I need a chicken because…
    1. I don’t have a chicken.
    2. Now that I’ve discovered your blog, I now know that I need a chicken.
    3. It’s probably Viktor’s fault that I now know I need a chicken but don’t have a chicken.
    4. I would name him Puppy. Or Towel. Maybe Cobra.
    5. I don’t have a chicken.
    6. Send me the damn chicken. Or the book. No, the chicken…I’ve already pre-ordered 2 copies of the book. Three would be too many and then I’d fight with my husband because I will be too lazy to cancel my order even after you’ve sent me the book.

  1683. i wish my mind was half as twisted as yours. my husband would be horrendously horrified if I got a chicken like beyonce. and your cat looks cut/evil all in one. win.

  1686. Clearly he should be called Coke O’Van as I believe him to be descended from the Irish side of Beyonce’s family.

    But more importantly your story and your dollhouses should be viewed with Jonathan Coulton’s song “Creepy Doll” as the soundtrack. Listen on Spotify, Rhapsody or Rdio or just go ahead and buy it from iTunes. It’s THAT appropriate. Coo-koo-roo!

  1688. For no apparent reason, I would name the mini-Beyonce “Carl.” But it has to be pronounced in a low, gravelly voice, as “Caaarrrrhhhhll.” Why? Because it sounds funny, and it would further prove to my coworkers that I should be left alone – oh yes, Carl would most certainly live on my desk at the office.

  1689. I would totally name her . . . Russell the Love Muscle after my fantastic husband!!

  1693. I’d name her Stella. I’ve had 3 girls and was not permitted to name any of them Stella! Finally I’d get to have a Stella in my house!!

  1699. Beauregard, of course. Seriously, I NEED that chicken. If only it was bigger 😉

  1701. Towels Turducken or Towels McDuck. I can’t totally decide.

    As he probably has a hepatitis, he probably couldn’t make it over to the border to me, so I’d have to donate him back to you.

  1703. Estelle! She totally looks like the little momma from Golden Girls. So, Estelle she is!!

  1705. My 4 year old Asher wanted to name Baby T3 ( due in June!) Sensi Woo but, I had to use a veto. I will give the name to the roo & put it in my son’s room. Cheers!

  1706. My 4 year old came up with a name today which would be kinda perfect for that chicken: Baker Humpling.

  1707. If this posted before, I apologize for posting twice, but this is what I wanted to post when you’re blog was down.
    So I really think everyone else should get the chicken. But I do think I should try to find Beyonce’s 8 foot cousin for my backyard. Because my HOA is entirely too snooty, and my husband won’t let me get a miniature Donkey to live in our back yard. EVEN THOUGH he would mow the grass, AND fertilize it, AND be insanely cute! I mean, it’s a DONKEY the size of a BIG DOG. Which is so much better than a dog because the donkey wouldn’t dig up the lawn.
    But my husband said no, so I need to find a revenge Chicken… because a revenge puppy would just be beside the point in THIS argument.
    Or, failing that, I need to buy like a hundred tiny little toy ponies, because my husband is convinced that my Ponies are out to get him, so I would get JUST so I could hide them EVERYWHERE. He’d reach for his sunglasses. BAM! A Pony! He’d open his CD case. BAM!
    They’d be everywhere, stalking him, PLOTTING AGAINST HIM! That would show him!
    Okay… I’m not sure how I got on this subject. But I think the mini-beyonce is lovely, and I would name him Gerald R. Ford. To show my husband there is such a thing as a reliable Ford. Then again, he’d say that Gerald just does what Fords are best known for, sitting still unable to move and slowly rusting.
    But he’s a presidential chicken DAMNIT!
    So anyway, there’s that.

    This moment of madness brought to you by Liz.
    I can’t make sense, I’m sorry, can’t afford it

  1708. Damn. I’m WAY late to the game. I would name him New Mittens, an amalgamation of the top two Republican presidential candidates names.

    New Mittens for President! Beyonce for Secretary of State! (Because SoS is way more badass than VP).

    Maybe it’s just me but I think a big metal chicken is just what this race needs. That or Donald Trump.

  1709. Ok, metal chickens are great and all – but holy shitballs! I’m so jealous of the things you find. Baby heads on spikes and taxidermied baby ducks? Really? I lived in rural east texas for most of my life and when I venture out I find bible covers and huge,gaudy purses with bedazzled crosses on them. What town has these cool things? PLEEASE tell me!!! I need to find the awesome!

  1712. I’d call him Kernal Sanders for obvious reasons. 1) Kentucky Fried Chicken goes with Cola. And 2) the state of his being is rustic and deserves a rustic name.

  1713. Soo cute. I’d name him Mini-B …
    I’ve always wanted a Mini-Me of my very own. Beyonce gets all the cool stuff…

  1716. Along with one of the first commenters, I’m in the middle of rural new south wales in Australia, so i don’t know if your posting that far, but Durrell P. (short for percious) Herriot is what I’d call him.
    I share a house with my bf and my housemate and we would have him as the focal point of our house 🙂 Hope your sleeping at the hospital goes well and there aren’t any seizures happening.

  1717. I KNOW at least 50 ppl probably said victor, but thats what i would go with….

    And i wouldnt even dare ask my boyfriend what he would think cuz for whatever reason (probably cuz he is a guy and without a funny bone) he doesnt think you are funny? Well, neither do I, I think you only tell the truth. And that you are hilarious…

    If I dont win, im just gonna offer u cash for a book and find a Beyonce JR online… just saying!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

  1718. If we have to pick a president, I think Franklin Pierce. His wife was insane. No really. She went nuts after her son was decapitated in front of her during a train accident. His head rolled to her feet. I rather imagine the same sort of thing that set off the person with that doll heads on a stick booth.

  1720. I would name him(?) her(?) Borneo. Because I always wanted to name one of my kids “Borneo” and was outvoted by their now disinterested and uninvolved Father. Serves him right if I get a CHICKEN named Borneo… pfffttt….
    (Ironic too, because I’m vegan and wouldn’t EAT chicken or own a real one… hahahahahah!)

  1721. Because I am an unrepentant Whovian, his name would, of course, have to be “Alonzo”.

  1722. Sir Archibauld of course! Just sounds important! As of course all metal chickens are!!!

  1724. I would name it Bojangles. Because Bojangles is LEGIT. On my bus home in a retirement center place I don’t even know, in the far off distance, I can spy what seems to be a tiny Beyonce.

  1725. I think the only name for a metal chicken is Doublegross Bladewing from the planet Chicken Itza…

  1728. Well, one of my chicks was named Wynona, but she turned out to be a he, so Wynona became Wynon-er. I think I would have to meet this rooster to fully conceive a name. My car told me her name was Sophie on our first drive, and my new computer is obviously Angus. I beginning to think…… ummmm… yep. Sir Eggleston

  1729. It’s NAME, people, is Pollo Rodriguez. Obviously.

    But much as I totally want Pollo to live here with me (or a real honest-to-God Bloggess tardis!), I withdraw my entry in favor of the brilliant minds capable of making our beloved Bloggess laugh when she needs it.

  1731. Wow, this is my lame attemt at free gifts, but what can I say…. I’m a sucker so I’ll enter!!

    My vote is Bertha, because it sounds terrible and I think it should start with a “B” to match Beyonce’ and Buren.

    Ok, that was pretty lame, pick me! I need some reading material and a chicken in this coop!

  1733. The Baroness von Chicken Pants, III.

    This has nothing to do with me having acquired the nickname The Baroness von Turkey Pants, III earlier this year for reasons we won’t discuss here. But I need a sidekick, and who better than a chicken for a turkey?

  1738. Since this chicken’s midsection is comprised entirely of coke, and to keep with a singer theme, I would call it Whitney Houston. Plus, it looks like its beak is singed. Probably from smoking a crack pipe. It also looks like it may have a black eye. Probably from being punched by Bobby Brown.

  1740. I so need this chicken. I want real chickens that will lay eggs, eat bugs, and poop, but my husband won’t let me. I checked my local laws and we are OK for urban chickens, but he still says no. So I suppose I would name her Charlotte.

  1743. Hello this is clearly I can take the South and I hope my Mouth can say I am an awesome Bad Ass MotherFu–ing Cock. That is BAMC for short. Which is short for Brooke Army Medical Center in Ft. Sam Houston, San Antonio, Texas. While I live in California now I would love for it to honor all the awesomeness going on at BAMC.

  1745. I would name him Cluck Kent, isn’t it obvious? He’s wearing the oh so clever dark glasses disguise! I’m sure he goes missing every time there is poultry in peril or a fowl fiasco (…I know, groan) and in his place, a studly rooster with a cape appears! That of course being Super (insert the word for rooster beginning with a C here) and what woman doesn’t need that in her life! Who can argue, 2 for the price of 1…. and I would buy it a towel for the cape! 😀

  1746. I would name it Chauncey von Merryweather Vanderschmidt, Esq. A dignified name for a dignified motherfucker. He would wear a top hat and a monocle, because that’s what dignified motherfuckers do. 😀

  1750. Looks like a Roger to me. I would call him Rog-Podge for short. Except thats not really shorter at all. Kind of like how my name is “Amy” but my parents called me “window-licker”.

  1751. i recall his name is Mac Nuggets III. good lookin’ and good lickin’. good eatin”? oh no, good heavens.

  1754. I was going to say I would name him Richard (because nothing would amuse me more than having a cock named Dick), but since I’d be sure to blog about this, and because my family reads it, I’d probably have a contest and let people nominate and vote on the best name.

  1755. I would totally name that chicken Herr Claus Von Bockle Gock. that shit would be like the epitomy of my lawn gnome collection and i’m sure some kind of war would ensue as to who gets to try to ride him first. too bad Claus would totally be packin’ and i’m pretty sure all the gnomes would get stoned before they really got a good plan in place. I suppose this is also why I’ve been hesitant to get lawn flamingos. The mess in the yard would just be insane … anyways – ADORABLE TINY METAL CHICKEN and it totally belongs in my yard:) Come home Claus!

  1760. I would name the new chicken… “Petronella Dorcas El Rafie” it’s an oldie of a name..but a goodie.

    I think Petronella has a need and desire to travel and get in touch with her northern roots…as I live at the Arctic Circle and she would be a good housemate…a bit quiet, but probably a great listener.

  1763. That chicken’s name is either General Tso, Kung Pao or Bob Saget. Couldn’t really say for sure until I met him.

  1765. Hrm, the Metal Chicken bears a startling resemblance to the late Ernest Gary Gygax. Spiritual successor?

  1767. My husband said I should name the chicken “Towelie”, after begging me to instead just buy some towels.

  1768. Miriam. After my friend Miriam who has, over our junior-high vintage friendship, gifted me with untold numbers of chickens but never a Beyonce, no, never a Beyonce. And I nnneeeedddd a Beyonce. Those gifts, BTW, are inspired by my bizarre and yet very real chicken phobia. I am terrifed of them.

  1769. I had NO IDEA that the 8th president of these United States was a duck or that he had been stuffed, which is a savage indictment of Norman High School.

    I’m going to Melbourne Thursday for a vacation, so you should send me mini-Beyonce AT ONCE! His name shall be:

    He Who Fucks With Ducks.

    The movie will star Kevin Costner as the duck fucker.

    It will include Indians and buffaloes suitable for stuffing.

    We tried to get Two Socks to appear, but he has unresolved resentment issues about Wolf Blitzer, so…

    Best of luck with the electrocution.

    You will make a totally bad-ass science project after Hailey has you stuffed.

  1771. I can’t come up with an orginial name for Beyonce Two (the cock-tail sized version) but the post should be called “I’d like to buy the world a Cock”.

    You are such a great blogger. Thank you for keeping it real and I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight with all those wires in your brain.

  1772. Why he looks like a battle-scared, hardened warrior who has had to watch too many of his fellow warriors die in battle. He has obviously become thick skinned and short tempered to help him deal with the tragedies he has witnessed in so many vicious campaigns. I shall call him “Gunnery Sergeant Eddie Cluck”!

    Come on, you get it right? “Gunnery Sergeant Edward Buck”? From Halo? Voiced by Nathan FREAKIN’ Fillian???

    Ahhhh. You’re with me now!

    I wouldn’t mind having a Nathan Fillian impersonator myself and this is the closest I will ever get.

  1773. I would call him Sid Vicious, because he looks like he would CUT YOU!

    Oh, and to the person who thought there wouldn’t be blood on the stake for the vampire, I say there would be. Once the vampire drinks blood, then where does it go? Likely the stake just demonstrates some acid reflux problems the vamp had prior to death.

  1776. I would name him Nibbles Cokcan the 3rd.

    I’ll need to find a first and 2nd, but this chicken feels like he’s the third in a long line of Coke chickens.
    Right? right.

  1777. I would name him cock. And it would be used as so… “hey, put my cock down, that is not yours to touch” or “hey guys, look at this new cock I just won” ooooor… “I see you starring at my cock, did you want to play with it?”. What a conversation ice breaker huh?

    -Valerie 🙂

  1778. I would name him The Reverend (meaning The Revenge). Because my husband wants revenge on my sisters father-in-law for ruining his Christmas. It’s a long story. But The Reverend would be the ultimate revenge!!

  1779. I’d name him Ted A. Nus because he looks sharp and my hubby would kill me if I won. He would proudly go to my office where knowing my luck one of my foster kids would cut themselves on him and I would be a bad caseworker.

  1780. First let me say, I must really want this chicken. I tried for hours and couldn’t get to the comments. I have now downloaded a new browser and part of me wants to name the chicken Mozilla, just for getting me here.

    My initial thought was to name her Rona Barrett. Then we could sit in front of the t.v. and watch old reruns of Match Game and get drunk and pretend we are friends with Charles Nelson Riley. My husband might like that as it would keep me from taking pictures of myself with every chicken I come across. Come to think of it, maybe he would just rather I buy new towels.

  1781. Seeing as I already have Chester A. Arthur, a solar powered glow in the dark metal frog in a top hat gracing my front porch, mini Beyone (proper name: Admiral Cluckers von Chickenstein) would make a natural commpanion. Think about it. It makes sense.

  1782. I’I’d name my chicken “Pedigree” because well, he comes from a good line of other chickens…of course!!

    Eeeek! I want a chicken!!!

  1783. Well, at first I was all OMG I would name it COLA, C-O-L-A, COLA. But then I thought that was too obvious, and maybe something like Katherine Frances Cluckmeister (because KFC!!! GET IT?) would work. Just not sure though, because I also like the idea of naming it Punky Brooster. Of course, this would be a prizewinner, so perhaps Pulletsurprise.

    Then again, we named our dog the Russian word for Cat, so perhaps I could just call him Rabbit.

  1787. Are you going to sell cards/postcards/posters/etc of Martin van Buren as a vampire slayer? Because I want please and thank you.

  1789. I would name him Towels, because I don’t give a fluffy white rats ass what my husband says, Damnit, we need new towels, and one way or another, I shall have Towels!

    OOOhhh, I also need a taxidermidy fluffy white rat so that when my husband and I are arguing and I say “I don’t give a fluffy white rats ass!” I can show him said ass that I would not be giving him but keeping to myself! Let me know if you run across one of those at your swap meets. I will knit it sweaters.

  1790. I didn’t read the other eleventy-billion comments, so forgive me if this is a repeat. Based on his building material, the choice is obvious: Coke au Vin!

  1791. That, my friend, is an easy request. The name that belongs to the chicken is simple. Gunthar: Chicken Warrior Princess. She lives to protect Earth and prevent evil warlords from taking over everything we hold dear. LONG LIVE GUNTHAR: CHICKEN WARRIOR PRINCESS!!!!

  1792. I think Noodle Soup would be a good name. Either that or KUNG FU. No idea where that came from, I blame the Ambien.

  1793. I’d name him Cock Block so I could put him in the doorway when my hubby comes home and say “You been Cock-Blocked B”.

  1795. Since I’m way too late for a chance at naming Sir Tutu McSnitzlepants, I would just like to say how awesome you are. The Bloggess has saved me from many a college induced mental breakdown self haircut. And for that I am forever in your debt. THANK YOU!!!!!!

  1796. cocky.
    and my hubby also thinks my love for taxidermied creatures is odd and disturbing. he once found me searching ebay for a taxidermied penguin (much too expensive in case you’re wondering) and lost his shit. whatever. now i take my laptop into the bathroom with me and lock the door. user history? deleted.

  1797. So I’m late to the party – again. Oh well.

    Two things:
    1) Besides being crazy talented with humor writing and scary dollhouse making, you have an artist’s eye for the absurd. I would not have seen those doll heads in the same way you paint them with your words. It’s like magic.

    2) I don’t NEED no metal chicken, because you know what? I’m going to make my own damn metal chicken! I might even make an Instructable for one!

    3) But I WOULD like an advance copy of your awesome book, even if you don’t want me to proofread it for you (and I catch errors in even the proofiest books, believe me). So here is my name entry.

    Drumroll, please:
    Tinny Cock – because he’s obviously a rooster, and he’s made of metal, so…

    (I also thought of Cocka Cola, which I found by searching this page had already been proposed, but if so many people are thinking of it, it might be the right name.)

  1801. Since Victor has been suggested at least a dozen times…
    How about Friedle after William Friedle. He and his brother Bruce created metal sculptures when they were each under 25 years old back in NY in the early 60’s. Bruce opened a showroom called Sculptsmith where they created great abstract pieces for that time made of brass and copper. Their most popular designs were sunburts…and chickens and roosters awake at the crack of dawn to the rising of the sun.

  1802. You should call him Haan van Daan. Because he’s Dutch. And haan means “Rooster” so its appropriate.

  1808. Macgyver. He’s clearly a resourceful sort of rooster, since he made himself armor from coke cans. To protect himself from Ferris Mewler.

  1809. If I was the proud owner of that lovely chicken his name would be Cockley Seamus Shanuessy McClemmons O’Hare. He would sit on my bookshelf and most likely scare the shit out of me every morning. Love your blog, it makes me giggle at two in the morning 🙂

  1810. I just had a baby seven weeks ago and am currently too sleep deprived to come up with anything creative – especially after the stress of naming a human being. That being said, in the grand tradition of giving metal roosters women’s names, I’d name him Beulah. No, it’s not sexy, but c’mon, he’s made out of Coke cans. To warrant a sexy name, he’d have to be made out of DIET coke cans. Or maybe Tab cans.

  1812. I would name him Jenny from the Block, to perfectly complement both you and Beyonce. Though whoever suggested Blue Ivy is a genius.

  1813. I’ve always wanted a chicken to train as an attack dog (or attack chicken as it were). I would name him Sampson, and he would smite my enemies with his beak of fury!

  1814. Throgmorton. Because I once tried to make this the name of a hill I studied in a geology field class and no one agreed with me. Besides, no one messes with a metal chicken named Throgmorton, it would be a great boost to my apartment security!

  1815. Clucka-Kola. (Note the ‘a’ denotes ‘female’ in Spanish, as evident by her Multicolor Display.) I have no Metal Chicken in my life currently, but I DO harbor a Victor Clone and Clucka-Kola would add a sense of joie de voivre to his otherwise too-towel-filled life….

  1816. I prefer the name Olga Schmendrik. And not because the chicken looks vaugly communist.

  1817. I need that chicken! My husband would hate it and I would keep it on my kitchen counter. I would name him Cock-n-Balls because I like to say Cock-n-Balls.

  1818. I would name him Johnny because I saw on the cover of People magazine tonight, which is a highly reputable source for celebrity news as you and I know, that Johnny Depp is now *living apart* from that skinny French bitch who I’m sure is not anorexic. And the first step towards him knowing my full devotion to him, besides telling my husband we now have an open marriage, is naming a cat-sized, metal chicken with a blue tail and Coca-Cola accoutrements “Johnny.”

  1821. OMG, I can’t believe I had to just scroll down over 3600 comments to post this. I’ve been blogging for almost 2 years and I don’t think all my cumulative comments add up to 3,600. Actually, I don’t think they would add up to 1,000. Sigh.

    This post had me laughing really hard! If I were drinking milk, it would be coming out of my nose!

    I hope things go well for you in the hospital–hopefully no seizures.

    Also, I’m not commenting to win metal chicken. If I happen to win one, please pick another person. I would love an advance copy of your book though! LOL

  1822. While I would provide a loving home for the awesome chicken, really I just wanted to comment that Ferris Mewler is a distinctly handsome cat.

    Which I’m sure he knows, and reminds you of daily.

    And now I’ve given him even more ego by talking about him on the internets.

    I’m sorry.

  1823. Tiberius. Loved that name since watching original Trek reruns growing up, but would never be mean enough to name a kid that. And my male cat has been named after a hobbit, haha.

  1824. OK, I’m 53, divorced, I have two cats (who I love btw) that I inherited. People keep dying and giving me cats, it’s weird. So, because I never get to pick a new cat off the showroom floor with that new cat smell, I never get to name them either. They always come pre-named and they hang around forever–decades even. A third cat of mine crossed the Rainbow Bridge last year. She was 22, so these two I have now have the potential to hang around for another solid 10-15 years. I mean, how many more cats will I have time for, now that I’m on a downhill slide to an assisted living facility?? Anyhoo, my dream has always been to have an orange cat and name him Cheddar. His white little brother could be Muenster or Mozzarella or even Gouda. So, can we name the chicken Cheddar? Cheddar Chicken. Sounds like a recipe on the back of a soup can….which is tin…like the chicken….

  1825. Mrs Rug says he should be named Matthew Harrison Brady, after the character in Inherit The Wind. I think he should be William Jennings Bryan, after the guy the character was modeled after. It would make for lots of fun debates at the Rug house.

  1826. Baron von Cluckingham…. I don’t know why (and I’m probably too late for the contest anyway!) but that name strikes a chord with me 🙂

  1828. I’m torn between naming the chicken KKMF ( because, why not?) or Hope A Coka… because I would put a silver ribbon on it to give it just a little more badassery and it would remind me every day to keep going… plus, how can you look at that and not be furiously happy?

  1829. If this chicken would live in canada with me. i would totally name him chuck. yeah. i would. chuck would be his name. and if he were mine.. he’d have a last name.(you know what it is). and it would be epic. we’d breakfast together. but i’d NEVER look him in the eye. you just don’t do that with chuck. ever.

  1830. My mother once had a contest at work back in the early 80’s with her officemates to find the strangest name they could in the phone book… They each put $5 in a jar, and winner takes all. The winning name was: Pocahontas Blackfire Upjohn. Even a name that horrifficly awesome doesn’t even match the spectacle that is this chicken…

    But it might be close.

  1831. “Chester Arthur”, because of the mutton chops, and you can’t go wrong with two first names.
    Although I suppose “James K. Polk of the town of Coke” fits too.

  1832. Well, since I keep threatening to get my boyfriend the desk-sized Beyonce, I’d name the mini-chicken Knock Knock. So then when he sees it and asks what the hell it is I can just be like “Knock Knock, muthafucka!”

  1833. I love it when you’re serious about your strangeness, and geet others to go along with you. You sure you’re not running for the GOP nomination?

    anyway, love youir blog, and I’d love to have that chicken, known by me as Iron MaidHen!

  1835. I’d name him Juan Ponce de León. He named Florida. My older brother always had a dream of catching a wild raccoon, naming him Ponce de León, and teaching him to wear cowboy costumes and how to ride a razor scooter. I don’t think my brother would mind me borrowing the name to fulfill my dream of owning a metal chicken. Dreams of taming raccoons and owning metal chickens are kind of interchangeable in my opinion.

  1836. I might be too late here but he is so Sergei Clinton. He’s got that debonair, sophisticated air but oh-so can’t help just being rurally real thing going on. Kinda like a crazy mixed up Kernel Klink got in bar fight with Pepe le Pew but then had a kid together….yeah…weird….but pretty darn interesting

  1837. ALSO, I have a rooster as my cover photo on my Facebook timeline. And I took that picture of said rooster WAY before Beyonce came around. So clearly Johnny should be mine.

  1840. I would name him Cher. And, because I live alone, I would probably carry him around the apartment while I’m doing housework and making dinner. And he would probably make very sarcastic comments on my poor housekeeping and dinner-making. In an English accent. And then I would bake really awesome chocolate chip cookies and wouldn’t share them with him. I might make him his own corner and include a framed photo of Nathan Fillion with a ball of twine. I have a feeling Cher is a fan.

  1842. Ever since reading the original Beyonce post I have been on a quest for my very own metal chicken – i have been holding onto the name Solange – for me it’s the only logical choice for your Beyonce’s “sister”. Rest assured, your latest metal find would have a loving and welcoming home here with me and my 3 kids (the hubby is debatable but you know how they eventually come around – my rationale is “less work and less space than a 4th child” – much like “it’s not towels!”).

    Thanks for entertaining me on a regular basis! Can’t wait to read your book! And… Good luck with your hospital stay.

  1843. Pick me! Pick me!
    I would name her Jessica Simpson, and place her in front of a photo of the ocean, so she could be the Chicken of the Sea.

  1846. Will Feathers O’Flapperty come home to roost?
    No choice when Big Mama Magnets gets turned on.

  1849. I would name it Cassandra, simply because that sounds right. In my head at least. And, take it from me, you should totally go to Portugal. They love chickens and roosters over there, and I’m fairly certain you’ll find an abundance of metal chickens awaiting your command. Oh, and, hey, if you’re not creeped out by baby head’s on spikes enough to not post them, why not watch Llamas with Hats on Youtube? I mean, c’mon, a murderous, psychopathic llama with a hat! And I loved your vampire hunter duck scene. Go Martin!

  1850. (Ahh, I dunno if that went through so I’m sending it again, just in case – I got a 502 error)

    After considering it for 24 hours I’ve decided I’d have to call him Wesley T.C. Crusher (where the T = Tetanus and the C = Cokecan). I’m in the UK though, so I’d understand if you didn’t want to send him my way. (

  1851. I would name the chicken killer so that when I take it on its daily walk (do chickens need to be walked?) I could shout after it killer and then people around me would think I said kill her. There might be police involved but I think it would be worth it.

  1853. I’d name him:
    Shaft!

    Because of the Isaac Hayes lyrics…
    “Who’s the black private dick That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?”
    and
    “You see this cat Shaft is a bad mother–”

    Shaft the Bad MotherClucker

  1854. Sir Clucky McCluckerson of Windago (but everyone just calls him Cluck for short. Or Sire. Either one is fine) I don’t know if Windago (win-day-go) is a real place but that’s where he’s from. They are a poor impoverished village, they can’t even afford feathers. That’s why he came to Texas. Hoping to strike it rich in the oil trade or at least eat some corn. Maybe pick up a 5′ babe chicken he heard about. I could keep going but it’s WAY past my bedtime and I might start getting silly here in a minute. (No the above was NOT silly. That is my normal. sheesh!) I think I should go to bed before I come up with an entire back/current story for this chicken.

    Aww man! Too late. Backstory is already filling my brain. Thanks a lot! This was just really a plot to not be the only one who is awake all night long isn’t it? Clever! Bloggess 1 – Me 0

  1855. Millificent. Almost magnificent, but not. Because it’s a mini giant metal chicken. But magnificent enough to annoy my husband who wants to start a Victor support group.

  1859. I would name him ‘Jailhouse Cock’ in memory of my late rooster Elvis 🙂
    Any chance you’ll ship him to Australia??

  1860. James Van Der Beak! Predictable? Maybe. However, ever time I would look at him sitting on the counter I’d want to walk by and scream “I don’t want your life!” in my best Texas Varsity Blues accent. I might also frame a small picture of Katie Holmes in a heart frame from the dollar store and set it next to him to confuse my guests. And to keep him from getting lonely.

  1865. While I think all of these are great names, I believe thais chicken is named Steve

  1867. I’d probably call him BRIC short for Bloody Random Iron Chicken… It’d be too hard for me to claim him even if I won him, but if I did, I’d have him sent to my friend Lizzie who lives much closer to you than I do. 😀

  1868. If ever a metal chicken should be named Jacob Handbags, it’s that guy.

    Even though that was supposed to be the name my friend gave to the guinea pig she doesn’t own, Ai’m pretty sure that it’d be okay here.

    Except as I was writing this I suddenly had a nose bleed, so I’m pretty sure Jacob has supernatural powers.

    Everyone knows you don’t mess with a Handbag.

  1870. As I was reading this my son screamed out “Sprinkles” then “banana”. Apparently in response to a show he’s watching. I was thinking more along the lines of Cock Magock as a name but Sprinkles Banana us a fairly odd name for a tiny metal chicken.

  1871. Richard “The Great” Woodhead.

    Because it’s a lot of cock / rooster jokes all in one.

    Or just Maude, because when I get some real chickens, mine will be Maude and she will be fantastic.

  1874. “Cluck Norris”
    For these reasons:
    Why did the Chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris THREW IT.
    When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a CHICKEN.

  1875. Can I change my answer? Because the chicken’s REAL NAME came to me in the midst of my insomnia last night. It’s name is……..*drumroll*…….CLUCK NORRIS!

  1876. I live in Illinois……..the Land of Lincoln. Should the little guy come reside with me, his name shall be Abraham…………..Abraham Lincoln.

  1880. It’s as obvious as the Coke on his wings, his name should be “JIgga Man Pimp” . . . geez! And by the way I still don’t understand why they didn’t name their kid Beyoncejay or Jayz-ah. If I should not win this wicked awesome cock fighter, I’d love to own your uber fabulous wobbly table leg leveler! Ferris Mewler has some pretty big paws . . . just sayin’ . . .

  1881. I thought of you when I was watching Jeopardy last night. One of the contestants has 4 chickens in her back yard and she named them Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kris Kardashchicken! hahaha!

  1883. Ke$ha. This chicken ha$ had a lot of bad night$ and will, mo$t likely, give you an infection every time you touch her.

  1885. I would name him Peabody Poppy-Cock or Petunia Poppy-Cock if we found out that its a girl. Eitherway the little love would go by P. Cock. 🙂 Little P.Cock strutting its stuff around the house and landscaping 🙂

  1886. Holy sh$%!!! There is a lot of comments! I must have Cocky – He needs to reign the ground under his cousins – the three flying pigs that hang from the trees outside my back door.
    kts

  1891. If I won a book, I’d name the book Harold, from Harold and Maude. Then I would buy the book a tiny banjo, take a picture, and send it back to you. In addition to reading it, of course.

  1892. I think naming something as precious and special as a metal chicken takes some time, sincere thought and research. I like the idea of Hannah Hoes as that was Martin Van Buren’s wife’s name. And even though Hannah is a rather sweet name and this chicken doesn’t look overwhelmingly sweet, I would donate her to my friends who need a little pick me up. Especially the ones who would never ever never EVER have anything like a metal chicken in their homes as everything they own is straight out a House Beautiful magazine. But they would feel compelled to display her as she would be a gift and it would be wrong to stick her in a closet (and secretly they would smile as they walked past because she’s really adorable and would totally mess up their design aesthetic). Now if this sweet chicken is really a boy, and I think he may be, I would go with Abraham Martin John Winfield Smith after Van Buren’s five sons. But that name would be too long to say so the logical nickname would be Cinco.

    You are awesome and what’s not awesome is a hospital visit, so get better and get the hell out of there.

  1896. Cokey Cockson, because… well… I’d just have to. (And doesn’t it feel kind of nice to say?) So, yes.

  1897. My husband is really mad that I didn’t consult with him on the naming of his child, i.e. this chicken. He says that’s what normal couples do. I think he forgot that we aren’t normal. Anyway, to please him and to get him to shut up…..

    Verne Destiny is the name. Combination Verne Troyer (aka mini-me) and Beyonce’s Destiny’s Child.

    And if any of these names don’t work for you, I’ll just use one for the tiny Beyonce we bought through Zazzle. I think she has a strong enough personality to handle a multiple name situation.

  1898. Wow. Good job, everyone! We rock at naming chickens. I read all of the comments up until my first post and I really wanted to read all of the comments after it too, but after going through what felt like a thousand, my eyes went all wonky and then I realized that I had only read about 400.

  1899. He would be named Phil….he just looks like a Phil. 🙂

    Your blog keeps my co-workers and I totally entertained! You rock!

  1900. I already have a smallish sort of giant metal chicken. I named him “Kelly Rowland” because he’s just like your Beyonce…only not as big! Hah! I wish I could take credit, but my friend came up with the name when I was having trouble and despairing that he would end up being named, “Metal Chicken.” I do not have a history of coming up with good names for things.

    However, there is a point to this comment and it is that while I also have your book on pre-order, I would LOVE to win one of your advance copies!!!! I really don’t love the thought of having to wait two more months (or longer) to read it.

  1901. I would name him Chanticleer (Rock-a-Doodle, a movie totally worth your time) and would have to find him an appropriately Elvis themed costume, because without it I’m sure he would just be sad.

  1904. Colonel Cluckstard. Then when I trip on him and he impales me I can be all “it was Colonel Cluckstard in the study!”

  1905. I’d name baby Beyonce –> “Destiny’s Child”. It only makes sense. Love you. Keep up the great work!

  1906. Nobody. As in who’s at the door? Nobody. Who are you with? Nobody. Go watch Dead Man with Jonny Dep. Seriously, Nobody.

  1907. Once upon a time my husband brought home 150 chickens and 1 bantam (miniature, for you non-farm folks) rooster which he named Lumiere. Lumiere was a beautiful specimen of a bantam rooster with angry short man syndrome. That nasty little fucker had the sharpest spurs and would chase me around the chicken yard attacking every time I went out to feed him. To make a long story short, Lumiere is dead of what may, or may not, be natural causes. I would very much like to have a “Zombie Lumiere” to place on my front porch with a “Knock, knock, motherfucker” sign to freak my husband’s shit out and memorialize his dead asshole chicken.

  1908. I would name him Baby Knock-Knock Motherfucker. Perhaps Baby Mofo for short.

    I really really really hope you’re not having seizures! You are the most important person to me that I don’t actually know!

  1909. I would have to name him Ferdinand Fantastico. Ferdinand just seemed to fit, and he is really fantastic.

  1910. Pro Zac, and call him Zac for short, because he would make me feel better each time I looked at him.

  1911. My husband and I have been making up baby names lately, even though we are not expecting any children anytime soon. His latest idea was Owl. We tried this in different languages based on our ancestries–in Norwegian, it’s ugle. In French, it was hibou or chouette (which we read as a cross between Chewy and Smurfette).

    So I think I might go with Ugle Chicken. In the most loving way possible.

  1912. For the record, I’d be a great investment for the free book since I’ve already pre-paid/ordered a copy and I am terrible at sharing, so my friends will have to buy their own copies anyway. Since I’ve already decided in my own mind that I’m a great candidate for this, can I pre-request my copy to be signed? Just asking…

    (For the record, Knock-Knock the chicken is WAY awesome, but I read some of those suggestions and I can accept I might only be second best…)

  1913. It might not be as creative as some of the responses…but I really think that chicken name is Inigo montoya…I can totally see him clucking out “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die” Then a epic battle of pecking would ensue… just saying…

  1914. I was going to look back and see if anyone had thought to call him Babeyonce. There are 3911 comments as I am typing this, though, and while I think that probably some of the comments above are going to be hilarious, some have to be not, statistically. I’d love Babeyonce to come live at my house, but I’d also love a copy of your book, so I can Lord it over the Internet.

  1915. Hopefully I’m not too late to add a giggle. And I’m sure someone else has offered this, but I’m just sayin’…

    I would name it Solangé. It’s Beyoncé’s little sister – it HAS to be Solangé!

    The only problem is that I already have a Solangé (which is another story entirely) but I think the world could have two. Or three, if you include the real one.

    Does Solangé have a little sister?

  1917. I’m truly hoping no one has entered this choice… I think we should call that fabulous piece of art “Destiny’s Chicken.”

  1918. OMFG, you scared the bejesus out of me with the doll heads on spikes and chains! and the baby chick! I can’t unsee it!!!!!!

    As for the rockin chicken… I shall name him: Mother Clucker. 🙂

  1919. I would totally name him Count Cockula Von Cluckenstein. I’d make him a vampire cape, and fashion some metal fangs for him…I always wanted a vampire chicken.

  1921. I wasn’t going to enter for the chicken, but I WANT A BOOK! I’ll name the book George, if that’ll help!

  1922. Sitting at the auto shop waiting for my car to get repaired and wishing I had commented when there were only 130 comments!!! Everytime I almost scroll to the bottom someone calls me and I have to start over!!!!
    But I would totally name him Notowel MoClucker!! Bc I have had alot of MoCluckers in my life lately and I would love to call him his nickname No MoClucker!!!

  1924. I’m thinking Cluck James, former pet of Rick James. He’s been wandering aimlessly since Rick’s death. Cocaine’s a helluva drug and Cluck has worked hard to kick the habit during his travels.

    He’s Cluck James bitch…and he doesn’t take scratch from anybody. Crosses the road whenever he damn well pleases too.

  1925. I love that, among the freaky doll heads, there stands poor, poor Mrs. Butterworth, wringing her hands in worry…. LOL!

  1926. I’m really distressed because I collect dolls and I just found myself squinting at the picture to see if one of my particular type of dolls was there. And then considering if I should go look in person. To ‘rescue’ them, of course. Whatever’s wrong with you must be contagious.

    That chicken should be named Jim. Because it’s not in the name…it’s in the title. And ‘Jim the Killer of Orcs and Caulk Blackened by an Age of Neglect’ is absolutely much better than just having a lousy name.

  1927. So many creative names, and even more awesome comments here. I loved your story and feel totally excited to read more!

    Thanks for sharing.

    PS: I would totally name the chicken Tuong. Or Sriracha. Or Tuong or Sriracha.

  1928. I would name him Ivette McCluck. He is Ivan McCluck during the days but he finds his inner Beyonce at nights. Ivette likes to be referred as such only by awesome ppl and those he holds dear to his heart.

  1929. Ralph. Just Ralph.

    PS I don’t know how you didn’t purchase the doll heads on chains. That shit is so fancy.

  1930. Shit, it took forever to scroll down through all these posts. If you read this far you’re definitely in need of some serious help, and would probably explain the seizures.

    But just in case you do, name that thing “Petey”.

    Because Petey is a good name. And it’s what I came up with that wasn’t already taken.

    And I hope your tests don’t show anything alarming. Really. Something simple, fixable, and cheap to treat would be nice.

  1932. Walter Von Higgenbottom. Or Buck Buck McFate. Or Stinkerbell. Or I could name it after my three year old’s baby doll “Greasy.”

  1933. Is it too late to pick a name for the chicken? Mostly because I would like to win Mr. Baron Von Munchausen, and we would go on adventures, and we would save the world.

  1934. If I get fired for reading your blog at work and laughing out loud like a crazy person, it’s your fault.

    I would name that masterpiece Clucky Clusterfuck. Cause it’s all Clusterfucky.

    Sorta like Beyonce. It’s the same thing but totally different.

  1936. The obvious choice would be Rose Tyler. Because ROSE TYLER!!! And I would construct a large metal Tardis and find another metal chicken to put glasses and a tie on and his name would be the Doctor (10, of course), and they would travel all over Colorado in their metal Tardis and fight my plush Ood and it will be epic and full of win sauce. And of course I would photograph their travels and I was just thinking – should I give Rose a blond wig? Maybe. My husband will probably kill me because it would really be HIM building the Tardis but he loves me so he would do it. Because that’s what you do when you love someone. You build them a metal Tardis and drive all over Colorado with it and you do it without question.
    You just made me realize how much my husband loves me. Now I HAVE to have Rose.

  1937. Just realized I didn’t explain that the Tartis was a present for my HUSBAND for Valentines day…but whatev. It could be for my new metal chicken, cousing to the much esteemed Beyonce, “Anniversary Present mo fo” too.

    My second choice is MOIST VON LIPWIG.

    An advanced copy of your book would kick ass. I think I actually want the book more than the chicken.

    The doll heads and parts took me back to Burning Man and one of my very favorite installations out there.
    Let me introduce Barbie Death Camp.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/bdcwb/5043809596/lightbox/

    Hope you get some f*cked up laughs off that and not seizures or less sleep. If it makes you smile at all – its all good.
    YOU make us smile every day, the least we can do is entertain you while you are in a scary place.

  1939. You give me a laugh right when I need it. I enjoyed following up on your tweets this morning from last night.

    I would totally have to name this metal chicken Blue since it’s a mini Beyonce and all!

  1940. No way! This is such a coincidence.
    I have the Perfect wobbly table for your book! Also, if your book doesn’t fix it, I am prepared to saw more of the leg off until it does.
    You’re welcome. 😉

  1943. I would name him George II. Why? Because I was one of the (many, many!) people who helped the original metal chicken post go viral by posting the link to my Facebook, and three hours later, someone anonymously left a 4′ tall wicker flamingo on my front porch. For real! They aimed him looking in the window, rang the doorbell (at 10:30pm, scaring the crap out of me), and ran away. To this day, I still have no idea who it was, but I named him George (a la Mice and Men … or Bugs Bunny. Whatever) and gave him a place of honor in the corner of my dining room. We even decorate him for holidays.

    I hope your tests end up being helpful and not too scary. Nothing worse than the “not knowing”.

  1944. Oooooo! A miniature giant chicken. I would name him The Doctor because obviously Beyonce has a TARDIS and met the Justice Department and convinced them to bring her into the Tesselecta, thus becoming miniaturized within herself… and somehow this proves that the miniature giant chicken has to be none other than The Doctor… Yes. My sound logic even astounds my husband…. who also thinks he’s The Doctor… but having a ThinkGeek 10th Doctor sonic screwdriver does not make you The Doctor… or even a doctor… but that’s a story for another time.

  1945. I can’t decide to keep my fingers crossed to win a mini-Beyonce or a typo ridden book…..decisions, decisions.

  1946. This is definitely a Moxie Crimefighter Chicken! We almost named our new dog that too…but it turned out he wasn’t much of a crimefighter…

  1951. Hmmm… I change my mind. How about YOU keep the chicken, and I’ll take Ferris Mewler. No? You won’t go for that? Then I’ll just keep coming up with terrible names for my hypothetical chicken.

    Legolas? No. Neil? No.

    Damn, I still suck at this.

  1953. o my god, apparently i need to get down to texas.. they have far better markets than we do here. and i too totally need a metal chicken.. who doesn’t??

  1957. I’d name him Matt Bellamy, since Kate Hudson has the real deal on lock-down. Also I’ve had a shitastic week of dealing with selfish people, so I could use a rock god in the form of a metal chicken to cheer me up.

  1959. A fellow Texan here. I saw a herd of Beyonces in Fredericksburg. Almost died. If he were mine, of course his name would be Cockenstein! Hope you’re ok 🙂

  1961. Id name him (because of course it’s obviously a boy) Fuddrucker. He just simply looks like a Fuddruker. I also want you to know that I have been reading for a bit but the prospect of actually winning Fuddrucker was too exciting to pass up.

  1962. I have seizures in my sleep. I hope they figure out what is going on with you. Epilepsy isn’t easy on a girl’s sanity. I’ve decided that mine is related to The String Theory and I’m just extra vibrant. Maybe you have a similar problem. Good luck to you!

    Also, the bird should probably be named Blue or Blootylicious McNugget

  1964. Its clearly KAISER SOZE.
    (there’s supposed to be one of those little wierd floating dots on Soze, but I bought this laptop in America and it didn’t come with floating dot marks.)

  1966. Coca-Cola-Doo looks like he smokes. Someone needs to get that rooster a cigarette holder or something because he clearly is forgetting the cigarette in his mouth until he burns his beak.

  1967. Because he looks so dapper and the vampire slayer references the obvious choice to me is “Giles”. I can almost see him cleaning his glasses, if he had glasses, everytime I say something innapropriate, which is a lot.

  1969. I would name her Laossa – because that was the name of my “egg child” in that class in high school that you had to care for “your children”.

    PS – My egg child died at the hands of my babysitter while I was at track practice, pretty fitting though that her locker smelled like rotten eggs for weeks.

  1971. I would name him Romney.

    There are so many jokes that could be made or implied about a little metal rooster named after Mitt Romney. And I’m even very mormon.

  1973. I’d name him Cameron Fryer. Due to his proximity to Ferris Mewler and how Ferris looks like he is just streching for fun but he’s got something going on.

  1974. Rickles. He is the spitting image of Don Rickles and while I’m not partial to the name Don (for a chicken that is), I do love the name Rickles!

  1975. Totally true, my mother-in-law has a dead baby duck like yours and he is a part of our Easter dinner every year. My kids have grown up playing with him…

    Also, I too have what seemed like “seizures” in my sleep and got the whole nine yards workout to find out I am just fine but have vasovagel synchopy. Hit me up if you want more info. for real. “A vasovagal episode or vasovagal response or vasovagal attack[1] (also called neurocardiogenic syncope) is a malaise mediated by the vagus nerve. When it leads to syncope or “fainting”, it is called a vasovagal syncope, which is the most common type of fainting.[2]

    There are a number of different syncope syndromes which all fall under the umbrella of vasovagal syncope. The common element among these conditions is the central mechanism leading to loss of consciousness. The differences among them are in the factors that trigger this mechanism. “

  1976. I would name her “BETTY WHITE” with the nickname of “THE BLOGESS” because Betty is as big of a Rock Star as Beyonce, and, you created the awesome metal chicken saga!!! I love that damn chicken story! Every time my mom and I are together, we read the whole saga out loud and have a box of tissues close by because we laugh so hard, we have to take a break, wipe down the tears, replay what we we just read (like football!!), and then continue to read. I LOVE THE CHICKEN STORY!!!

    Betty White is THE WOMAN (so are you)!!! I hope to be as awesome as her when I grow up. It would be a privileged to be able to have an awesome chicken to laugh with and to look at in awe as it is Betty White.

    Thanks for the chicken!!!

  1977. I would name him “Delfin Joquin Paris IV” so that maybe we won’t have to name our baby that!

  1981. i would like to know where these fairs are at in Texas. i live about half an hr south of Houston. seriously, to be able to get my own Beyonce?? and vampire ducks?? mine would be named Aiden ( the duck, not the chicken). for the chicken, I don’t have a clever enough name picked out yet. also, jenny, you rock! thanks for the snorts and hope all is well with you! much love!!

  1983. correction: my duck would not be of the vampire-hunting breed as he is a vampire himself. consider him sort of a Blade-type. going against the very kind that turned him into what he is now and forever shall be…

  1986. I would name him Cameron Fryer. He’s definitely got something going down with Ferris Mewler.

  1987. i would name her…oh my god, I’ve been sitting here fifteen minutes agonizing over what I would name a tiny metal chicken and I keep getting distracted by my fiancé snoring because I crawled back in bed after the kiddo went off to school and before the baby wakes up and i cant be on the interent anymore and I think “knock knock motherfucker” is how I will address people while knocking on all doors from now on.

    in conclusion, I would name my chicken Eva Lathart because that’s one of my favorite roller derby names and I’m pretty sure she will live up to her name if she comes I live at my house because I stopped drinking soda two weeks ago. Hardest thing ever.

  1990. I would name him Carlos (I think it’s a him) because every time I mention our yet-to-be conceived child, I tell my husband that his name has to be Carlos, and he tells me no and gets very angry about it. More angry than he would if I were to buy more towels. So, he can’t argue if you send me a metal chicken that is already named Carlos.

    I can’t knock my husband too much, though, because for Christmas he did pre-order your book for me! Yay 🙂

  1992. I’d have to name her Joan. I don’t know why that name popped in my head but, she just looked like a Joan. Yeah, she’d be Joan if she came to my house. Joan the Chicken.

  1995. Tony Montana, cuz what went through my head when I saw the pic was:
    Oh, Coke can wings….coke….”say hello to my little friend”….

    And, the picture of MVB with the casket and bloody spike is now in a frame on my “happy shelf” at work…thank you for that 🙂

  1997. So love it! And I so want that mini metal chicken! I’d name him Cor Don Bleu lol Didn’t even have to think about it, already knew if I ever got my own Beyonce, I’d name it Cor Don Bleu.

  1998. I love ducky vampire slayer in a top hat, Martin Van Buren. And pickmepickmepickmePLEASE! I totally want your book with typos. Would be a great rare edition to treasure.

  2000. Solange. That’s Byonce’s sister’s name. And she isn’t very well known, so it sort of fits with the scale. Byonce is a HUGE metal chicken. Solange is a little metal chicken who lives under the large shadow of her super famous chicken sister.

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