UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.

in everything in the country wants to kill you, Giant metal chickens are everywhere, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap

Yesterday I went out to the nearby market because we live in rural Texas so we go to all the various country fairs and trade days because that’s what we have instead of a mall.  They are awesome and terrible and I never come home without part of an iron lung, or a 60 year old book about “why naked midgets are awesome”.  Yesterday at one stop I found 100’s of doll heads on spikes. It stretched on for a half-acre.  Also, the doll torsos and limbs were in various buckets around, so it was sort of like Build-a-Bear except that you end up with a misproportioned, evil doll that will probably eat your nose off while you sleep.

Even the demon on the right was having a panic attack:

It's creepy, but sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that there are people weirder than me in the world.

But it wasn’t *all* doll heads on spikes.

Because some were on chains.  

Also, this isn’t even half of the heads-on-spikes and none of them were marked for sale.  It was like some sort of Stephen King art installation had accidentally fallen into the center of a market.  There wasn’t a vendor there but no one shoplifted from him.  Probably because you don’t want to fuck with someone who sticks baby heads on spikes.  And because practically no one wants to steal baby heads on spikes.  Both of these things are true.

I did find several other treasures though from other vendors. I found a children’s book of illustrated corpses, complete with color pictures and when I insisted I needed to have it Victor and I both screamed, “IT’S THREE DOLLARS”.

For different reasons though, apparently.

Then I bought a taxidermied duckling (that died of natural causes) and Victor was all “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” and I was all “What wouldn’t I do with a taxidermied duck?”  It’s like he’s never even met me.

Then I explained that ducks wearing hats were impossible to turn down and he said that the duck didn’t have a hat and I explained that Martin Van Buren’s hat was invisible, but that I’d already bought it and it was already waiting at home in the dollhouse for him.  That’s how ready I was for Martin Van Buren.  And also I explained that his name was Martin Van Buren.  Then Hailey started begging Victor for Duckie Van Buren and Victor explained that we weren’t going to spend $20 on a fragile ancient duckling I’d probably break immediately and Hailey pointed out that if he got broken “we could fix him with duck tape”.  Then I melted from the cuteness and promised her a (probably taxidermied) pony, and Victor looked at us worriedly and wondered when Hailey had joined my strange alliance.  Then I explained that I would make Martin Van Buren into a vampire hunter and then Victor said he’d buy him if I just stopped talking.  EVERYONE WINS.

Especially Martin Van Buren, who looks like a damn bad-ass in his top-hat, holding a bloody spike he just used to impale a nonsexy vampire.

Proof:

He has a bloody spike under his wing. And a very self-satisfied but shell-shocked look on his face. It's like he was MADE for Vampire-hunting.
The really weird thing is that I already owned everything necessary for this scene. The only thing I was missing was a duck that looks good in a hat.

I showed the scene to Victor and he sighed and agreed that it was very frightening but (he pointed out) not for the reasons I’d intended.

Wow.  This post was meant to make it up to you for being MIA so much but now I think I owe you an apology for making you look at Vampire-hunting ducks and baby heads on spikes.  BUT!  There is one very important part I can’t miss.  Because when we first drove up to the market I screamed “HOLY SHITSNACKS, IT’S A FLOCK OF BEYONCES”.  Because it was.  And Victor glared at me while I haggled for a smallish sort of giant metal chicken who desperately wanted a home and he accused me of having some sort of a metal chicken hoarding problem.  But then I pointed out that I was buying this apartment sized metal chicken for you.  Yes, you.  Because I love you.  But I can’t afford to buy chickens all of you so instead I’m randomly selecting one of you to actually win it.  Granted, your spouse might hate it, but you can point out that at least it’s not towels, which has always worked for me.

I took two pictures, but Ferris Mewler managed to squirrel his way into them so you’ll have to ignore him.  Or use him for scale.

"What? You're taking a picture? Don't mind me. I'll just stand back here in case someone needs me."
Ferris Mewler: "These are my paws, you guys." We've all seen your paws, Ferris Mewler.

Anyway, as a very large thank you for not deserting me while I’ve been busy with book stuff I will randomly select one of you from the comments below to win the mini-Beyonce.  All you have to do is tell me what you would name him if he was yours.

The names “Beyonce” and “Martin Van Buren” are spoken for.

Obviously.

UPDATED:  Holy crap, you guys.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Also, thank you so much for distracting me from the fact that tonight I’m spending tonight in a hospital so they can see if I’m having seizures in my sleep because apparently I don’t have enough shit wrong with me.  (If they let me have my phone I will –of course – be live-tweeting the whole thing.)  And in appreciation for offering up such twisted names (so brilliant that I’m tempted to adopt an orphanage just to have kids to name) that I’ve convinced my editor to send me a couple of advance copies of my book to give out as well.  The advance copies are soft-cover and have typos and the pictures are low resolution, but you’ll be able to read my book 2 months before it’s available.  Or you can use it to fix a wobbly table.  Either way, really.

PS.  Seriously.  Thank you.  You have no idea how much I needed the laugh today.  I’ll pick the winners this week.

UPDATED X 2:  Holy crap.  That’s a lot of people wanting chicken.  Winners announced over here.

4,595 thoughts on “UPDATED: The post where I make it up to you. And then make things worse. And then apologize again.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I don’t have a funny explanation other than that all giant multi-colored metal chickens should have diva names, but I’d call it Cher.

  2. I would have to name him Wilfred! Of course I would love a book too because I would read it at home and burst out in hysterical laughter and tears in the privacy of my own home instead of in my cubicle when I catch up on your blog. That’s much more professional.

  4. BBlicious! cuz she’s a baby beyonce who is DELICIOUS!!! and b/c your blog is the only thing that keeps me sane…and the mini-beyonce would SO annoy everyone I work w/!…

  6. I really want to visit my aunt and uncle in Manchaca, find that market, and buy the creepy anxiety attack demon for myself. I would name him Moses, and he could guard my front door.

  8. This was all so fascinating and totally disturbing. I’ve got a metal flying pig. This chicken would be a wonderful addition. I like the name Chicklet.

  11. OMG! I have been looking for a Beyonce forever! If I had the honor of winning him I would call him Hector!

  14. Love your blog! I hope your testing goes well although I’m not sure if it’s better to find something that can be fixed or find nothing needs fixing?? Anyway, I certainly could use your chicken but would be just as happy with a book. Now for the naming of the chicken:

    Forgive me please, I feel like this will make more sense if I give a little background….

    You see it all started last spring when I convinced my husband that we needed real chickens. So off we went to the feed store to pick out our adorable little babies. Thinking that the standard yellow fuzz ball was an absolute necessity, I impulsive took one from the bin of straight runs (boys & girls randomly running around). I named it “Salmonella”. My boys named the other 5 chicks: Eagle, Ninja, Stripy, Spot & Nugget. As they grew we tried to guess whether we had hens or roosters (you can never be sure even when the bin says its all girls). “Sally” had the huge wattle and comb thing going on but I just kept living in denial and calling her “Sally”. Soon though it was apparent that it was a rooster, so we started calling him “Sal”. Sal apparently thought this was in reference to his mafia background and not the icky bacteria that causes diarrhea. He began enforcing. Attempts to get past Sal met with a stupid sideways dance and then a rush of feet and wings. As he got older and bigger he began biting (yes I know chickens don’t have teeth but pecking isn’t really accurate. That thing tried to will himself chompers and take a hunk out of whatever body part he could grab!)

    ……So anyway….jeez this is long, hopefully you are really really bored. Where was I??? Oh yeah, so I started to annoy my husband with the idea of maybe taking out a hit on Sal. But alas, he said he just couldn’t do it. Happily we found a lovely hippy lady who thought she could turn him into a sweet happy chicken and she took him home with her. Last I heard she had to knock him unconscious with a 2 x 4 when he attacked her. Problem solved! Nope. You see Sal must have overheard our plans because he convinced the hens to spawn his evil offspring. When they absolutely refused to budge off the nest, I gave in and let them hatch 5 adorable little chicks. All turned out to be those lovely yellow ones even though my hens are Barred Rocks and Rhode Island Reds. Oh well, I’m sure it will be fine. Well months later I was again begging my husband to off the little jerks. I figured I wasn’t likely to find 5 hippies to attempt an intervention. So on the 18th he gave in and killed all but 1 who we thought might be a hen. Now he’s done with rooster killing, forever he says (btw, they are currently in the freezer we didn’t just kill them and laugh evilly or anything).Perhaps eating chicken as well. He’s still not sure. So even though I have never heard the remaining rooster/hen crow I’m starting to think this is round 3. She/he escaped the coop. I can’t get her to go back in because as soon as she sees me she rushes me. It’s all dancing feathers and claws. I threw my shoe at her; she jumped on it and pecked it mercilessly. Took forever to get my shoe back.

    So…..I’m to the naming the metal chicken part now, for those who looked for a place to jump ahead…

    I would name it Darth Sal. I would put in my back yard near the place where the escaped chicken hangs out (we live waaaaaaay out in the country on an acre…she has many places to run when I try to get her). I would try to convince her that this IS her father. I would try to tell her the dangers of turning to the dark side. Perhaps my husband would be amused. He LOVES Star Wars. Maybe he will feel sorry for me. Maybe she will see the error of her ways and turn into a loving sweet hen. Who knows? I’m running out of ideas frankly and getting desperate.

    ** I know it sounds horrible to kill the roosters. It wasn’t part of our plan. I happen to love chickens. We got them as pets. When the hens wouldn’t budge off their nests I just couldn’t break their little hearts since I knew this was their one and only shot at kiddos! Turns out chickens don’t like their own offspring once they have outgrown the adorable stage. I had to keep the babies separated and finish raising them myself. Then they turned into mean roosters which is apparently genetic. And you can’t give those guys away! When they start attacking your kids you lose all sympathy. We have vowed to only add adult hens to our flock in the future. **

  17. I’d name her Penelope Jr and love her forever, unless I got your book. In which case the book might win, as my husband would be less irritated by the book than Penelope. ALTHOUGH this might make up for Penelope (the first), as he never let me bring the cutest chinchilla ever home that day. HE EVEN LET ME NAME HER!

    Ha, he deserves to deal with a metal chicken!

  19. I’d call him Elliot, except it would always be shouted, so it’s really ELLIOT!!!.

    And I’d make a nice home for the book on the back of my toilet.

  21. OMG. Three thousand nine hundred and seventy five competitors for this great honor… Hmmm… {tapping fingers} … I am SO not good at this naming stuff, and I’m sure every one of them are better than I could come up with (see comment #2 – Blue Ivy – OF COURSE!! – or, maybe Jay-Z Jr? did someone already think of that? I’m sure…)

  23. “General Chicken” of course. He can be in the yard to keep watch of the zombie gnomes.

  26. BUCK-Master-Flex!
    He looks strong and poised, but capable of breaking out into a dance-a-tron when the time is right! Don’t you agree?

  27. I think this chickens name should be :
    Cluck Norris. because he has feet of steel. Gross terrifying chicken feet, but still made of rebar, and therefore steel.

  28. Eggbert. The name of a chicken I had as a child who my parents sent to “a farm” when he turned into a rooster and woke everyone up at the crack of dawn. It only hit me a few years ago that Eggbert probably didn’t go to a farm. True story. Poor Eggbert, who didn’t have the parts to live up to his name and probably never made it to a farm. I’m sure the metal chicken/rooster would appreciate the irony of the name as well.

  31. Jeyonce, because it’s a baby of Beyonce..and well she’s with Jay-Zee right? (I have to admit I stole this name, but I’m pretty sure the person I stole it from isn’t going to want a baby metal Beyonce offspring chicken. I”m not even sure why I do…but I do.)

  33. My first thought was that he should be called “Texas is full of some crazy assed people,” but then I thought that calling him Tex would suffice.

    PS: I was born and raised in Texas, moving away just a few years ago. So yeah, I know how many crazy assed people there are there.

  36. OMG, Wee-on-say NEEDS to come live with me. But, if that’s not possbile I would also love to own Martin Van Buren, who would be right at home with me gigundous collection of Halloween paraphenalia, my Lizzie Borden House brickdust (it’s official! From their gift shop!), my paint chip from the Winchester House, and my wind up zombie. Or maybe that all just makes me scary?

  39. I would name him Blanket because everyone needs someone to cuddle with…even if this cuddle Blanket increases your chance of contracting tetanus.

  40. Scrooge McCluck. Ruthless businessman and entrepreneur with a soft spot for his three mischievous nephews. Enjoys swimming in his vault of money.

  41. Oh the names that I would give that chicken…… But I think my number one name of choice would be: Alfred Lorenzo McHarrison IV, Duke of Alaskaland, 2nd Marquess of Tanana Valley.

  43. In keeping with the music artist theme, I would totally name this little guy Tom Cochrane.

    Not only a “punny” name (COCK-rane! Get it? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge), it would give me an excuse to sing “Life Is A Highway” when I take him on road trips with me.

  48. I would name him gardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnomegardengnome, because he is at least 15 times as awesome as a garden gnome. probably more. honestly, i am too tired to type garden gnome any more.

  50. AND I’d for sure have to use the “at least it’s not towels” excuse with my husband, but I’d have to say “At least it’s not fabric” since I have a slight (major) fabric addiction. But I do love a good towel

  52. Percurnicus. Same thing I am planning on naming my first born son.
    Just kidding about the son part. Mostly. Nope, I am not kidding at all.
    Yes I am. No I’m not. We will see what my husband thinks. And then I will do
    whatever he doesn’t want. So I am betting my child AND my metal chicken will
    be named Percurnicus.

  54. I’d have to let my kids name it. I’m sure whatever it would be, would be amazing. But I need to have one of these to make my friends jealous. It’d look great next to my zombie garden gnome.

  55. Ferris Mewler, Don’t listen to Jenny- we all think your paws are very impressive and are happy to get a nice close-up look. We have been waiting DAYS (at least) dreaming of that picture, which is now hanging on our refrigerator where we bask in your glory, and that of your companion chicken, Chauncey.

    PS Paws off Martin Van Buren- even though he looks like the purrr-fect cat toy, his spike is at the ready, and if you damage him you will have to kill your own vampires….

  59. I am super excited to welcome Sergeant Cocka Cola to our balcony! If he serves me well, he may see a promotion to COMMANDER Cocka Cola before the year is out. Nothing but possibilities here in Austin, Texas.

  60. Cluckaroo Banzai or Napoleon Dynamite if he’s a he.
    Anastasia Beaverhausen if she’s a she.

  61. Well I suppose my cats, Mr. Spots and Ms. Kitty, would tell you if they could actually speak like the awesome Ferris Mewler does, that I’ve never been all that great at naming things. But, if this chicken were mine, it would be called “My Fucking-A Badass Little Giant Metal Chicken”
    You know, as in, “Hello there, Jehovah’s Witnesses. Please, come in for a spot of tea while me and My Fucking-A Badass Little Giant Metal Chicken listen to what you have to say.”

  62. Obviously it’s a struggle to come up with an appropriate name for a mini-Beyonce. Je ne sais quoi definitely required. My suggestion – Steve Jobs. Why? Why not!

  63. Oh my goodness, I actually work at the company that publishes the Mummy book!! How odd that it ended up at a swap meet in TX. We print nonfiction books for school libraries. While an illustrated book of dead bodies for children is not quite what it is, it’s a very funny description!

    Love your blog.

  65. I’m still wondering why Aunt Jemima is hanging out on the Terrifying Table O’ Heads. And ZOMG–one of them is a Cabbage Patch Doll!

    I’d name the metal chicken Shoshanna or Veruca.

    I’d call your book “most awesome literary work ever” if I won an advanced copy.

  66. I would allow that lovely piece of work to join us at our wedding this spring, wearing a mini veil (in lieu of either bride wearing one). She would be forever known as Mademoiselle Marilynne De Lantzville-DuBois.

  69. I would name him Flubert.
    I don’t know why.
    Maybe because then I could say I have a cat named Stuart, and a metal chicken named Flubert. They could be besties.

  70. Holy crap, I can’t believe how many comments there are just one day after your post! It will take you FOREVER to scroll through all these. Anyway, I don’t know what I’d call the chicken, maybe Beyonce Baby because I love alliteration. And someone may have already picked that name, but there’s no way I’m reading over 4,000! comments. Also, my husband wouldn’t DARE object to my bringing this metal chicken home because you should see the shit he has in our basement – an entire 1936 Dodge and a frickin’ phone booth, for godssake, and that’s just for starters.

  71. Now I’m disappointed I already left my suggestion for a name because I never in my life saw a metal chicken that looked more like he should be named “Wobbly Table” in my life!

  72. All the best to you, Jenn…! As for th-e mini-giant chicken, how about : Lee i-a-Cola…

  73. So…this is very difficult for me to do, because I really want you to mail me a metal chicken because my husbnd will shriek (I am convinced he is Victor’s Twin, Separated At Birth) WHERE DID YOU GET THAT? WHO SENT IT TO YOU? HOW MUCH DID IT COST? only it will come out as all one word like WHEREDIDIYOUGETTHATWHOSENTITTOYOUHOWMUCHDIDITCOST? I have hidden my most recent towel in a dresser drawer, and my plan is to tell him that someone I met online mailed it to me from Turkey because they like me. So if I come up off it I can tell him that someone I met online from Chicken mailed it to me. Huh. No. So…names. My email address is Shaghuftah because I once explained to my Pakistani husband that if we have a baby girl I want her middle name to be Zoe, like my granny. He approved (surprisingly) and asked what the first name would be. “What’s the worst name you can give a Pakistani girl?” He thought, and came up with Shaghuftah. But I can’t use that for the chicken, nor Shubhanga, because I found out that is a girl name in India so I want biracial twin girls so I can name them Shaghuftah and Shubhanga. Who wouldn’t, right? And my husband has re-named our cat about 25 times: Tom, Timothy, Victor (no, really), John Patillo, Chief Cat, Tommy Lee…but the cat seems to answer to Bunty. So, there’s my answer. You send me the chicken, and after my husband gets done shrieking WHEREDIDYOUGETTHATWHOSENTITTOYOUHOWMUCHDIDITCOST? I am going to put it on the kitchen stove and announce NOBODY’S EATING UNTIL YOU NAME THAT CHICKEN.

  74. OMG, I need this to keep my beer swilling Gnome company! His name is O’Beery McLiquor, so naturally the chicken would be named Shitsnacks McLiquor.

  75. And for the love of God, Please, if you have already given it away, please do NOT (when you are feeling better) force Victor to take you back out to the nether-regions of Texas to buy another one. Just don’t. I know Rural Texas. My dad lives out there, but I promise he doesn’t spike doll pieces.

  79. A name for baby-Beyonce, hmmm…l’d go with my first reaction to any celebrity baby name: What the…? Yep, What-The, Baby Metal Chicken. lt’s got a nice tin-can ring to it.

  80. Drumstick. Or maybe giblets.

    Seriously, I have no idea, I just want to see my husband’s face when this shows up in bed with him after he worked third shift security. OH Genius! I can visualize the wake up. Groan, stretch, roll over, looks right into the chicken’s eyes. “WTF!!!!!!! WHO THE HELL PUT A HIDEOUSLY UGLY CHICKEN IN OUR BED?!?!?!?!” Priceless! He has seen pictures of Beyonce and has made it abundantly clean that I am NOT to bring one home.

  81. Valium.. because, no offense, I adore you with the rest of everyone, but every time I think of Victor, I think “that man must have a good supply of Valium”. and this chicken is a case in point.

  82. This explains why I couldn’t get on your site yesterday. Hmph! So I’m probably too late?

    P.S. the doll heads are uber creepy.

  83. definitly shakira, in the time-honoured tradition of naming chickens after pop divas. plus, wherever, whenever, we were ment to be together.

  84. Chitarica would be her name….because you know Beyonce has a friend named Chitarica.

  85. There was something so wrong with the new-mini-Beyonce, it took me a while to work out what it was. IT’S NOT A CHICKEN. This is a TOUCAN. And they’ve used Coke cans for the body, when Any Fule Kno it should be made out of Guinness.

    http://www.toucans.info/guinness.html

    Also, rural Texas gives me the heebie-jeebies.

  86. Speaking of Martin Van Buren, a few years ago my family visited his home which we just happened to be randomly passing because I sort of got lost. Anyway, I thought taking my kids to see his house would be very educational, although I seemed to be alone in that thought, so we stopped since I was driving. As it turned out strollers couldn’t get into the house so I insisted that my wife and daughter go take the tour while my son and I looked in the gift shop and it is a damn good thing we did because we might never have found a tiny little metal statue of Martin Van Buren (which I bought) anywhere else.

    By the way I also had the test for seizures while asleep and I was having seizures but now I take medication and supposedly I don’t have them anymore. Perhaps there is a relationship between a fascination with Martin Van Buren and seizures. It actually sounds like it might make sense.

    Here is a picture of me with electrodes on my head:

    http://www.randomthinking.info/wordpress/2008/10/30/eeg-and-handsome-tom/

  87. I’d name him Richard D. Heffner. The namesake host(s/ed) the “Open Mind.” Which I should be watching for my Political Science class. But instead I am reading The Bloggess and trying to think of names for metal chickens. Though I’d adore an ARC of your book a tiny bit more. I already pre-ordered it on my Nook; but dude, an ARC? /die and go to heaven!

    Alright back to listening to Richard D. Heffner talk to someone about.. uhh.. Supreme Court Judges.. ? Something..

  88. Holy Frickin Crap. 4080 comments. It took me a full minute to fast scroll down here. I usually won’t comment above 200 because whose going to see it anyway and I can’t remember what I was supposed to leave here to be in on the maybe getting one of your books and I’m not scrolling back up to find out because by then you will have 5680 comments and I’ll just give up.

    About the test: I’ve had it. Trust me, unless you are a wiser person than I am, which would not be hard, they are NOT allowing you to have a phone. Nothing to distract you, just darkness and flashing lights in your eyes sometimes. I’ve had several of these tests and each doctor got something different out of it: left – temporal lobe epilepsy, familial hemaplegic migraines, or “Oh, it’s just a gentle curve off, don’t worry about it.” Of course, it’s not their memory that is non-existent

    So, if you need a name for me to be entered I’ll stick with Hemapple plegic because… well, just because it counds awesome and it could be a pie if you left the plegic off.

  91. Bjork – because then I can have a chicken in a swan dress, and I need that as an office decoration.

  92. I’m thinking that I would name it either The General, or since Beyonce is its predecessor, Sahsa Fierce!

  93. Would LOVE the bird. I would name him Brewster. Brewster the Rooster.
    …can’t wait to read your book!

  94. Festivus von Hornswaggle, if he’s English royalty, or Coco Van, if he’s French.

  99. First off, newly arrived to your blog – I shall be stalking often for my laughs! (I’ve already told LOADS of people about you!)

    Second, I would sooooo name the baby Beyonce Nando, cause he looks so much like Nando from http://www.nandos.co.uk/ <–check out the chicken in the logo! Alas, I live in the UK, so probably not in with a shot….Shame cause Nando would look GREAT in my livingroom!

  100. man, i dont have any good names..but after reading so many of the comments above..i wont lie, i did NOT read the 4083 comments above mine (omfg!!) i almost shit myself laughing MULTIPLE times, and of course had to post this on my facebook page to send others over here to read..and tell them to try to win and send me the fucking chicken if they win!! and now everytime i drive down the road and see a big metal chicken i yell “omg it’s beyonce!” and my husband..who doesn’t pay attention until i yell that will actually hit the brakes and look for the real beyonce because he never remembers me telling or reading or posting about beyonce the big metal fucking chicken! wtf?! men suck. he’s totally a redneck victor. seriously. and i swear i’ve never seen so many big metal chickens in central texas as i have since reading your post about them..so either everyone in central texas reads your blog and went and bought big metal chickens or started making/selling them…or because i read your blog i just started noticing them more…im going for the first..because i like that one more. makes you more awesome..and though im not sure how it’s possible..im going to go with it. yup. i am. so anyways. thanks for the chance to win the mini metal chicken. i think i’ll name it fucking awesome. or else jenny. or maybe czar. bc i live down the road a bit from martindale and think its awesome that you’re the czar. lol *shrug* id also love the book. you should stick a book inside the chicken (would it fit?) and then whoever gets the chicken has to figure out how the fuck to get it out of there rofl. yeah i need sleep. oh and omg i love that your daughter is totally on your side!! haha victor >:P
    good luck on your seizure test, hope you are seizure-free!

  101. Cluck Lorie – How is it that you don’t have a career writing for a sitcom? You have exactly the brilliant warped outlook on things that keeps life interesting. Victor is a lucky man (but then he knows that!) Can’t wait to read the book.

  102. Well, I can’t name him “Jake Ryan” if it’s a boy, because that’s what I named my kitten. And I can’t name it “Leticia Beavers” if it’s a girl, because that’s what I named my mannequin. I am thinking I will name him “Jerry,” which is my husband’s name, so that when I say, “I love you, Jerry,” and my husband says, “I love you, too,” I can say, “Um, sorry, I was talking to the chicken.”

  103. I will name King Graham of Daventry because he looks regal, just like the hero in my favorite computer game of all time, which also happens to be the only one I’ve ever played. I had a dream about playing it last night and it was really awesome. HOPEFULLY having to sleep in a hospital meant you had all kinds of fun dreams, too. In my dream, I had to go into a cave to find a piece of honeycomb, but if the bear was there, I would have been ripped to shreds. Thankfully, it wasn’t, so I walked into that cave, which happened to have a light blue carpet, and took the honeycomb from a dachshund puppy that sounded like Gandalf the Gray. He told me to go to the river and talk to the fish for my next quest. SO. FUN. Hope today is better than yesterday!!

  104. oh and you should totally add like buttons for your comments *nods heads*

    and the commenter before me…dont you mean bill cocksby? 😀

  106. Would name him… Tucker the little mother… Well, I bet you know where I am going with it 🙂

  107. I would totally name that weird looking chicken Quakers McVictor…in honor of your wonderful patient husband who just loves giant metal chickens!!

  108. I am not funny, nor clever…that’s why I need a mini Beyonce…to feel inspired!

  111. I’d name him Poe because he looks like he belongs with Hawthorne the Crocehted Turkey. The Dark Romantics belong together.

  112. A rooster with the same star power as B and the a legacy as spectacular as M Van B?

    Russel Von Crow (sans the “e”)

    *curtsy*

  114. Well, since I ALREADY have a metal chicken (Klepto) provided to me by my bestie for my new home, I’d have to give this one to her… She and I are a pair – not entirely sure of what, but a pair nonetheless – so her chicken would NEED to be named something obvious like Maniac.

    Did I mention she works for a Police Department? So metal chickens named “Klepto” and “Maniac” just make perfect sense for us!

  117. Hmmm a small metal chicken what would I name a small metal chicken? Or rather a small metal rooster. How about Col. Sanders, I mean he looks like he is probably made of as much chicken as KFC food is right? You need to get a series in progressively smaller sizes ending with a small metal egg named POTENTIAL all in caps of course.

  119. Manu Ranking, which is of course an obscure German Reggae artist. And that chicken looks like it could totally belt out some mad German Reggae tunes!

  123. I just can’t compete with the wit and cleverness of pretty much all 4100+ previous posts, I’m a bookkeeper for heaven’s sake, but I MUST have a chance at this chicken, so I asked my daughter – who names EVERYTHING – and she studied the picture, decided what his personality must be like, then announced…we shall call him Sheldon. I’m not going to argue.

  124. I’m sure you won’t read this far down in the comments, but just in case you DO, I’d name him Alan Rickman. In honor of the real Alan Rickman, who has received (essentially) no acknowledgement for playing Professor Snape for the last decade, including no Oscar nomination today.

    Bullshit.

  125. i would have to go with Captain Stubing. it is an old family name, yes there is a story, but way to long to tell. and quite frankly i think people don’t use nautical terms or names for that matter frequent enough.

  126. OMG and this is why we love you.

    seriously.

    The whole reason I am comfortable enough to blog, is because of YOU. that’s right YOU lady bug.

    i feel safe enough to spew out my thoughts to an unsuspecting world. and not be ashamed of it.

    thank YOU

  127. Well, since Beyonce is the big chicken, and the live Beyonce just had a baby that she named Blue Ivy (I think she thought they were picking out flowers for her divalicious hospital room, and *oops* out popped a baby. Probably. Because that’s how Beyonce gets shit done.) I just forgot where I was going with that one.

    Anyway, I’d name it Big Blue. Because that’d be ironic. Because it’s not big. And because of the baby. Whose name is also Blue.

    Because celebrities are effing insane.

    🙂

  128. Husband and I* have decided his name should be Captain Feathersword- metal chicken+ pirates+ West Wing reference. A total win.

    *Ok, maybe it was *me* that decided, but he’ll agree eventually.

  130. I don’t know if I can compete with all of these fabulous names I’ve read, but I would name her (just to mix it up) Jay-Z.
    I hope that the seizures are not really happening & that you’ll fully recover & back to the insanity that we all love about you, because it makes us feel normal.

  131. I’d call mine One Who Shall Remain Nameless, cause then I can tell my husband I’m only fostering it…hell it worked with all the other critters, so why not a metal chicken?!

  132. I’ve just noticed that some people would re-gift the chicken (so far, my favorite submission is James Hetfield because I loathe metallica and I think the actual James Hetfield might actually be confused by having a metal chicken named after him, and Lars would surely be envious) and this brought to mind our family tradition of having a Big Chicken (pollo Grande, un large poulet) in the kitchen. The tradition came about when my daughter and I ran away from Michigan to California and built ourselves a home from scratch (thanks, Heather.) Whilst shopping I would ooh and ahh over ceramic roosters, and my daughter would smile maternally and say, “No, mom,” and I would stomp my feet and demand that we NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED A BIG CHICKEN IN THE KITCHEN. Un grande poulet. El Pollo Grande! No, mom. No big chicken.
    So…one day, many years later, when my daughter has a kitchen of her own, I find The Perfect Chicken in a craigslist ad (yes, another addiction) and since I live with Victor’s Evil Twin I know that I cannot bring it home, so I conspire with the craigslister to send it to my daughter for Christmas. She loved it. When she moved to a new apartment, her live-in jerk tried to put it in the living-room next to his Lucky Buddha Frog (she told me with disgust) but she set him straight–the Chicken goes in the Kitchen. Duh. He’s gone; the chicken remains.

    All this is to say that you can’t send it to my daughter because she has two issues: a nine year old girl and a seven year old boy, who would surely commit felonies and give the chicken a bad rep.

    I’m only reading all the submissions because Victor’s Evil Twin has assigned me to go to Best Buy to return a gift which wasn’t given to me. I am only allowed to come home with cash, or the gift. VET has spoken. That said, this blog is probably not the best place for me right now.

    Now, for more coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…

  134. I love your humor. I am a card carrying life member of the strange alliance.

    I would call him – Sir Cocksalot St. Rings – Sir Cocks for short.

  135. I forgot to mention that I had a need for spiked baby heads up until the first of this year.

  137. I would love her and pet her and call her Snookie, and use her to scare the bajeezus out of my poor husband. Which is what metal chickens are for.

  139. OMG, I so have a notebook full of awesome sounding names just waiting to be bestowed upon a metal chicken! I would name him Shamorgan Gublinkin or Willie Squidget.

  141. If I had a mini- Beyonce, I think I would have to name him Sheldon since The Big Bang Theory brings me just as much joy as your blog. Then every time I looked at Sheldon I could see everything hilarious in my life. That said, I would be equally thrilled to have a copy of your book, riddled with typos or not. Well, maybe since I’m a grammar-holic, but I could make do! 😉

  142. There are many ways to go with this, but I have decided. A little back story. Until Beyonce the metal chicken i had, very sadly, never read your blog. I came home one night, a bit tipsy, to a link from a very lovely friend. I read all about Beyonce & almost peed myself. And since it was so amazing I decided to read it aloud to my husband. Apparently my drunken reading was not oscar worthy. He was clearly not as amused as I was. But it sounded just like something another very lovely friend & I would do. Maybe that’s why he was not amused. He was thinking about his own reaction to me bringing home a giant metal chicken.
    Flash forward to this being such a joke between all of us that they both received Merry Christmas, MF cards, and one of them actually has my name in her phone as Beyonce. Probably because I keep telling her I will cut her. I am pretty sure my husband sighs everytime. Its ok, because he is now in her phone as Jay Z.
    But I digress. My name choice would be Victor. To honor the type of partner who may put up a fight, but in the end accepts the crazy. I feel it is the proper name for such an amazing mini metal chicken. Victor, tho I would most likely refer to him as “my Cock”.(“have you seen my cock?”, “where is the best place for my cock?”, “oh I better dust my cock!”). I would also most likely turn into Tori Spelling & bring my cock, Victor, everywhere with me. Especially parties & red carpet events.

    PS
    I love your duck. That scene is amazing. The cross necklace really makes it.
    PPS
    I have a poorly taxidermed stuffed squirrel that is decorated for christmas. You would love him.
    PPPS
    I seriously can’t wait to read your book.

  144. As soon as I read this post, I thought, HOLY MOTHER OF SHIZZLE I HOPE SHE DIDN’T PICK A WINNER. I asked for a giant metal chicken for christmas, AND, to my disappointment didn’t get one.

    But I looked into the eyes of this metal chicken, and we made an immediate connection.. I just knew that he was to be named St. Abacus.

  145. Lorena Bobbit. Because she will also cut you. Also, it would make the chicken seem twice as threatening if I needed to use her as a warning to my husband.

  150. Conversation w my 9 year old:
    Me: Check out this chicken.
    Maya: Woah.
    Me: if this chicken belonged to us, what would
    You name it?
    Maya: This chicken belongs to us?!?! (in
    Dreamlike disbelief, not horror.)
    Me: No. But it could, if you pick the best name
    For it. And Beyonce adartin van Buren are taken.
    Maya: Aw, man.
    Me: I know.
    Maya: Her name……is Blue Ivy.
    I hugged her and secretly wiped away a tear.

  154. This is not a mini Beyonce, this is Lulubell, the cutest damn metal chicken that ever lived!

  157. Ok so I would name him Bitch Bird….crude yes, but shit head dog is already taken at our house : ) I have decided that if I win the bird then I am going to take the bird on our travels and take pictures of him, then send them to my hubby while he is deployed. Bitch Bird goes to the pool, Bitch Bird swings at the park, Bitch Bird makes brownies. It will be a hit.

  161. I have to agree with the Alan Rickman comment. I was going to suggest you call it
    Tricia van Dyke or something meaningless like that but then I saw the Alan Rickman comment and clearly that is a superior suggestion.

  162. I would name him Neil Armstrong, mostly in honor of the canceled space shuttle program, but also because I firmly believe that roosters should have the same rights as everyone else. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to go to the moon? With a name like Neil Armstrong it’s probably been his life-long dream, but now they’ve ruined it for him. Poor guy. He needs a good home.

    4000+ posts is insane – hours of entertainment. 🙂

  163. Because this metal chicken is obviously a rooster, his name shall be Ricardo, Ricky Ricardo.

  168. I would just call him “mine”. Since I consider your blog a godsend and rely on it to bring me out of my funks – and the very first story I ever read of yours was about Beyonce – it would just be a hellacool reminder of how much fun you’ve brought into this household. just sayin….

  172. I would love a chicken! It would bring me such joy on those crazy days when nothing makes sense. I would name him Sir Roger Cuckold the Third. Because it kind of looks like he’s wearing one of those fancy spectacle things on a string where only one eye is covered (a monocle, apparently. Not to be confused with a manacle which is a type of handcuff and mixing them up could get you in trouble. Especially in prison.) He would be snooty and talk in a british accent and tell me I’m pronouncing everything wrong and I would still love him because that’s what love means. Not stabbing someone when they point out that you’re wrong. Thanks for the laughs, Jenny and the opportunity to use the word monocle in a sentence. It doesn’t happen near as often as it should.

  173. I would name the Chicken. Highlander, because my husband might try to kill me if I bring a metal chicken home… it wouldn’t be towels though so maybe…

    Also I’d prefer the cat to the chicken; I am also not allowed to have cats. Why, you might ask? Simply because they cause my face to swell up if anything that’s touched them touches my face. I think this is not a big deal, apparently thought I’m not allowed to walk around looking like a mutant and complaining that my face itches, so no kitty love for me – sigh.

  174. He shall be known as The Great and Wonderful Cluckin’! But I’ll probably just call him Steve, for short.

  178. Bill Lumbherg.

    Because he would sit in my cubicle with me all day, and remind me to put the right cover letters on my TPS reports.

  179. Jezabelle. Because as kick ass as she is, she’ll be gettin around in a lot of places!

  180. And then Bill Lumbherg would creepily fuck my girlfriend in my tortured revenge fantasies.

    I’m signed up on another blog to win a girlfriend. I really hope this works out.

  182. She is all short & squat, just like 19th century First Lady, Lucy Webb Hayes. So that is clearly her name.

  185. Chanticeer/Chanticlaire. (anyone who giggles madly at the joke gets cake. Anyone who gets it at all gets cookies.)
    Or, no, not really. because that would be a joke. I’d name him Alfonso, of course. I thought about Alfred, but no. He is an Alfonso.

  187. Oh PICK ME!!! I would name him Jeff after my ex-boyfriend who loves Beyonce the Chicken and even had her picture as his Facebook profile picture. AND THEN I would leave it at his doorstep. Then he would know that I have forgiven him for being a dick AND that I hope he gets tetanus from him doppelganger.

  189. Marsellus Wallace. He will go to work with a pair of pliers and a blow torch and get positively medieval on all our enemies.

  191. Her name is Princess Coke-a-doodle-doo and she needs to come live with me. I will keep her on my desk at work where I will have my empire carpet man bobble head on her back, and when ever anyone asks me a dumb question, i’m going to say “You need to ask princess coke-a-doodle-doo.” knock the bobble head so he nods and then walk away. That should settle just about anything. I mean who is going to question a giant-ish metal chicken and the empire carpet guy bobble head. Nobody. That’s who.

  192. I would totally name that chicken Snow.

    Mainly because I didn’t want it to rain on my wedding day and it totally didn’t. It snowed. All day I said it was the universe telling me I had said I didn’t want towels. Swear to GOD this is true. I made chickens to put in my wedding scrapbook.

  194. Albuquerque Longpants.

    It was a walkie talkie code name I gave to my brother when he helped me move across country after college. I could only justify calling him that from the safety of my vehicle while he drove ahead of me in the U-Haul. Obviously, I had to retire it the second we were in the same room. Ahhh, brotherly love….

    Anyway, it’s a name that shouldn’t be wasted.

  197. i can’t imagine you having to mail something all the way to Australia, but i used to have a rooster named Soup …. mainly because he really didn’t understand the whole crowing at daybreak thing and decided to crow at 15 minute intervals ALL DAY LONG.

    unfortunately for him, his name appeared to generate a hasty manifest destiny effect.

    since mini-Beyonce is made of cans, i think Soup and Cans can be combined rather effectively. and i think i can guarantee it won’t end up manifesting into reality.

  199. Okay, so I’m back again…but this is why: I have figured out that what I really want is a tee shirt with that spiked-doll-pieces photo on it and the words GOD BLESS TEXAS. May I? I can send you an iron-on, too, if you like.

  201. …and it looks like those dollheads on chains are wired with electricity…to light up, perhaps? THAT is what you should have brought home.

  202. I would name that chicken Cat Ballou, because she’s got a smile of an angel and bites like a devil. And she’s sexy like Jane Fonda.

  208. He would have to be named Jacques Cocksteau because:
    a) If Beyonce’s kid had been a boy, I’m pretty sure she was going to name him Jacques Cousteau.
    b) Because every metal chicken, no matter how small, deserves the chance to be a famous deep sea diver. I’ll buy him goggles. And flippers. And maybe even a snorkle if doesn’t try to cut me…because metal chickens are wiley like that.
    Also- I’d just like to point out that metal chickens are a non-native species in Ohio, and I think we should start an invasion. Yep…Jacques Cudzu Cocksteau. Every infamous persona needs three names, right? I shall be waiting my my mailbox….. please don’t make me freeze too long.

  210. I think Ferris wants to eat the chicken. He probably knows that the chicken is metal, having such keen feline senses and instincts and all, but he’s tempted anyway. I have cats too, but I won’t let them eat the chicken if I win him. I would also like to point out that I’m an artist/designer working for an eccentric rich lady with a collection of these chickens, and I’m about to use one as a marketing ploy in a used car lot with a sign promoting her winery/distillery. She is rich so she can have all the giant metal chickens she wants. She also has one that’s ten feet tall, but don’t get all competitive on me because my cock is bigger than yours. I just thought that telling you about the synchronicity might win me points. Oh, the name! Um… I might need to get to know him better first. But if I still can’t think of anything better, I’ll go with Cokehead.

  211. I can’t even put a cock in this fight because I think the first suggestion “Not Towels” was the clear winner.

  212. Ferris probably knows that the chicken is metal, having such keen feline senses and instincts and all, but I think he’s tempted to eat it anyway. I have cats too, but I won’t let them eat the chicken if I win him. I would also like to point out that I’m an artist/designer working for an eccentric rich lady with a collection of these chickens, and I’m about to use one as a marketing ploy in a used car lot with a sign promoting her winery/distillery. She is rich so she can have all the giant metal chickens she wants. She also has one that’s ten feet tall, but don’t get all competitive on me because my cock is bigger than yours. It’s not really mine, and I just thought that telling you about the synchronicity might win me points. Oh, the name! Um… I might need to get to know him better first. But if I still can’t think of anything better, I’ll go with Cokehead.

  213. Chuck the Chick. And I’d have to share him with my coffee group, as we all love the coffee story and even Vito our dude of the group gave us all metal chicken ornaments for Christmas. So, Chuck the Chick would be rotating through our houses, everyone getting to have Chuck visit for the week and then come back on Coffee Friday and tell us what Chuck the Chick had been up to.

  214. I know I already posted the rooster’s name Art Garfunkel, but I forgot to tell you all the other things we have in common and why I deserve to house this beautiful chicken! My husband and I married in 1997…that’s right Ms. Bloggess, it’s number 15. And Big Metal Chicken is number 15. Also, I need new towels, and I have one of those great Husbands that needs to wake up to a Knock Knock Mother Fucker!

  216. The comments have doubled since last time I read this post — way to go Lady Bloggess. Just wanted to wish you well at the hospital — maybe the seizures are some side effect from those doll heads? They are pretty scary.

    If I had that baby rooster – I could ask my toddlers to name it, but they’d only come up with “Rooster”. I guess my version of a fabulous diva would be Gaga. Of course the toddlers would think I was saying “Gabba” — their name for their favorite show. I’m sure it will work out.

  218. Wow, tough to choose one name from the panoply of options…. How does Princess McBitchface sound?

  220. this is obvious. it is clearly a she, and her proper name is: (the honorable) Sandra Day O’Connor.

    Additionally, this is a mini-metal chicken. Since Big Metal Chickens are for 15th anniversaries, CLEARLY Mini Metal Chickens are for 5 year anniversaries. And what a coincidence…. my husband and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary this year!

  222. Chic Jagger. No one dances more like a chicken than Mick.

    Thanks for making me laugh until I cry. Or pee. Or both. Can’t tell the difference some days. 😉

    And this would make a GREAT Happy Heart Attack present for me! Today is the 11 year anniversary of my experimental heart surgery. They injected alcohol into my heart to cause 2 heart attacks. And not the good alcohol, either! I was awake for it but happily medicated. It thinned out a heart wall that was too thick. We celebrate every year with heart shaped foods and scaring everyone we know by wishing them a Happy Heart Attack Day. Seems up your alley, somehow.

    If I don’t win a flawed version of your book, I’ll be first in line to buy it when the fixed one comes out.

    Good luck, everyone!

  225. I’dname her Betty Cocker. Betty would live in my kitchen and oversee food preparation. And when I got home from work I’d ask her “what should we have for dinner tonight Betty?”. And she’d give me that same blank stare my husband gives when I ask this question. So I’d get mad and vent about how I should not have to do everything around here and how I could use some help. Then, I’d see that unlike my husband who would have tuned me out at this point and gone back to the tv, Betty has listened to every word. Thank you Betty Cocker?

  231. My first thought was Kenny Rogers. But, Ted Nugent just came to mind “Chicken Scratch Fever”? Oooo…

  232. No, no… it is… Its like.. 9:10. Id enjoy that delicious chocolatey goodness for .. like.. uhh.. 35.. 40 seconds (Yea! I eat fast!). Then Id be all “damn.. i wish i didn’t eat that. Now i have to work it off!!” Then I would have to go run 5 miles.. or hook on the corner of my street. Which never works out, since its all Suburbia and all. I just stand there in the cold be for tripping on something invisible.. Then I would have to patch up the rip in my pants. Which means sewing… And I promised I would never sew again.. Not after last time. Not after what has come to be known as “The Overly Dramatic Sewing Incident 2011”.

  234. Potato, potato. Tomato, tomato. Give someone else the mini-Beyonce. Pretty please pick me to receive an advance copy of your book though, with cherries (or whatever you want) on top.

  235. Beyonce’s fiance or alternatively “Bad-ass-English-Chicken” Cause I love me an Englishman and this would be something he would love as much as Victor loves Beyonce and buying towels.

    Bekki

  237. Nah.. It would never work.. I’ve never been good at the follow through. And bones don’t heal in a day. Not unless you’re Harry Potter. Excluding the Time Professor Lockhart made all his bones disappear.. Ahhhhhhh… good times …. good times….

  243. First of all, I swear you are the real life Jim Henson’s Storytellers. Second, PLEEEASE make vampire ducky photo a postcard – I need it for awesomes purposes.

    Where do I sign up for the book? I can’t wait long enough till spring – I’m messed up now and need reassurance.

    Lastly, any chance you can make a yahoo forum for newbies – I keep trying to join in the conversation but yall know each other here and it’s intimidating and confusing.

    P.S. Get better soon! I swear you need past life regression for all the problems you’re carrying with you. I’m surprised you haven’t talked more about getting into the occult. You know, vampire hunting ducks and skull carrying mice aside.

  245. I would name that chicken Salty, because that is what my grandpa suggested every single damn time I needed to name something, especially when it was not at all relevant. Or, alternatively, McTickle would be a good name for him, in honor of the time my dear coworker tried to order a McChicken with extra pickles and got tongue-tied.

  250. I PAINTED YOU A PICTURE OF A BUTTERFLY!!!!!!!! Its only got 1 wing though… Lost one in ‘Nam. He doesn’t talk about it much, So I’m not even sure if that story is true. My theory is he lost it in a tragic duct taping accident. …. I wouldn’t wanna talk about it either..

  251. Télémond Von Typhus.

    Don’t ask why. It just fits. (Also, Télémond should be pronounced as Tay-lay-mond. Just saying)

  253. What do you think of the name Leonard von Schlessinger the 3rd? Also known as Lenny Trois by those in the know.

  254. I would name him Bruce Lee, because January 23rd is the Chinese new year and it’s the year of the dragon. And my sister won’t let me name her newborn Bruce Lee, who was born on January 23rd because of you. I was reading her a post of yours which tickled her funny bone and made hot chocolate come out of her nose. I really think the coughing and laughing from that started the whole birthing process.

    And because Bruce Lee is a cool chicken name.

  256. Aunt Jemima, the Grand Dame of tortured baby dolls heads, says “When you’re good to mama, mama’s good to you!”

  257. Ok, I’m totally torn between Chickie Correa and Toonces – even though I know Toonces was a cat but I’m thinking Ferris Mewler is throwing off my chicken naming. And my husband will totally throw a Victor if Toonces shows up at our house.

    (ps. feel better so you can get home. your petrified pets need you!)

  259. OMG – what wouldn’t I do for this chicken! Winning this would be the best thing that has happened to me since marrying my bald-headed-dork and adopting our dog. I would name it Van Gogh (because it has no ears). LOVE IT!!!!

    Hope you are having fun reading your book. Can’t wait to receive my copy!

  260. I would name it Fuckpuddles. So I can giggle uncontrollably when I introduce him to guests, and be decidedly awkward when I introduce him to my conservative grandmother when he accompanies us to Easter brunch. Because he would obviously come with .

  265. I would name her Vajazzle McSnazzle because that’s a vagina euphemism and chickens have vaginas and roosters don’t. Also: my iPhone predicted the word vajazzle because apparently I type that a lot.

  266. I would call him “Max Headroom.” Because, what else would you call a miniature chicken made out of a coke-a-cola can?

  267. I hope you’re doing okay. Hospitals suck.

    Anyhoo,were I to win The Chicken I’d name him Bob. Mostly because I’m married to Bob, and this perfectly encapsulates my present day life.

    I’d like to note that I don’t think my husband is *a chicken* in the sense of avoiding something scary, but his circling around an issue and relentlessly pecking at it *forever* (and avoiding a true decision) is making me crazy.

  269. OH… Love like the Baby Jesus… I’d name him Sir Montgomery Mason-McMahon. He is a washed out fighter pilot, call name: Mayhem. Sir Montgomery was too rogue, has problems with authority and took too many chances. Now he is an alcoholic serving in Congress, but he longs for his high flying days.

  270. At first, I thought. He looked like a Mark Wahlberg. Weak, I know. But then I thought hey, if I put a beard on him, he could be Joaquin Phoenix. If all else fails, ill call him Barack Hussein Obama, but ill really call him Mr. President.

  271. OH!!! I could name him “WOLVERINE!!!!” But, every time you say his name, you would have to scream it and raise your arm..

  272. He’s such a Sean Connery! I have a metal pig (Babe) that he could be friends with.

  274. I need this chicken not want… NEED!! Why you ask?? To go with the gigantic corduroy sectional my Husband recently bought somewhere between when my vicodin kicked in and when I was distracted by some very large rugs. I hate the huge corduroy sectional and my Husband hates metal chickens so I must have this metal chicken.. I’ll call her Mrs. Not-A Corduroy. She’ll fit in well with my 1 1/2 metal chickens I already own.

  276. I would name him Colonel. Or Bananas, cause all one of my best friends and I have to say is “write message on bananas with toothpicks” and we erupt into gales of laughter. Oh we adore you, The Bloggess, the friend we wish we had! We have a friend-crush on you!!

  277. well…Jay-Z of course!!!! And the second pic of Martin VanBuren-AWESOME!!!!!

  278. I can’t believe no one’s done it yet (and if you have, forgive me. I read the first 2000+ comments, then skipped to the last few). That chicken’s name is SETH! As in Seth Green, creator of the most awesome show on the planet….ROBOT CHICKEN!!!!! Or, come to think of it, Robot Chicken’s a good name too! 😉

  280. I would name him Howard. I think he would get along well with my cat Lecter Skywalker (named after Hannibal).

  281. I freakin’ love Martin Van Buren & the fact that you had all you needed for that scene is HILARIOUS. Oh and those doll heads on spikes….. AND CHAINS….. -.O WTHeck!?! I’m glad you shared the pictures cause I otherwise would likely NOT have believed it…. though I won’t be surprised if there are nightmares to follow. LOL

    Dear sweet baby Jesus pick us! I’d totally put her on my front stoop…. but not of course until after tormenting my dear hubby w/ her first. bahahaha. He is TOTALLY not amused w/ the idea that we (dear daughter & I) decided we MUST try to win this “baby” Beyonce. LMAO
    We would name “her” Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein….. From one of dd’s favorite lines in City of Bones, by: Cassandra Clark pg. 194

  282. First, apparently the name “Rihanna” is also taken for the metal chicken. This place lets you pay to come paint things an artist draws on canvas for you, and because Beyonce would be copying, its got a new name. See January 18th for details. I don’t know when the next time Rihanna is available for painting. http://www.paintingwithatwist.com/tallahassee/calendar/

    Second, boyfriend has determined it will be called Chester. Chester the Chicken.

  283. First, apparently the name “Rihanna” is also taken for the metal chicken. This place lets you pay to come paint things an artist draws on canvas for you, and because Beyonce would be copying, its got a new name. See January 18th for details. I don’t know when the next time Rihanna is available for painting. http://www.paintingwithatwist.com/tallahassee/calendar/

    Second, boyfriend has determined it will be called Chester. Chester the Chicken.

  284. The name “Fireballs MacNamara” was suggested by my male cat Pretty Precious, who also happens to be a camera whore

  287. Wait wait wait wait. Wait. WAIT.

    Blue Ivy. I mean, it’s a little Beyonce, right?

    I bet no one in 4200 posts beat me to THAT one. HA.

  288. I would name him Prince Arnold Shardsley.

    By the way, I recently procured a giant metal owl and named him Rutherford B. Owl, so I am super excited to see another presidential fake pet!

  291. Starbuck. Definately Starbuck. And with that hair (?) could be either Katee or Dirk. 🙂

  292. I’d call her Sanity. I could look at her everyday and realize that nothing is truly as fucked up as a metal chicken. And then I’d smile. And then I’d go on with my day.

  294. Scrappy von Cluckenstein, obviously.
    But before I knew it was a contest (I mean, that was alll the way at the bottom of the post) I was going to say some pretty nice things about your blog, the ex-duck, and the doll heads. But now it seems like pandering!

  296. I would definitely name it Gabrielle. Gabrielle is my new favorite name and I’ve been naming everything Gabrielle. Also, I think the demon at the show is pretty darn awesome. We don’t have baby heads on chains in Oregon. *sniff* I don’t think. :-/
    Since I don’t post often, thought I would take a moment to thank you for your blog. It has gotten me through some rough times and I hope the hospital is good to you. If I were closer I’d ask to be your friend except that might be kind of creepy. Today I posted an ad for a friend on craigslist. Desperate? Probably. I hope it works.
    Anyway, Gabrielle. 🙂 That’s my name. 🙂 If you pick me I promise to name your book Gabrielle, just because. 🙂

  297. Lizzy (she is made of tin). I didn’t read all 4 thousand responses so hopefully this is original.

    As an aside, we live in a crappy Texas border town and long before there was a Beyoncé, my neighbor CEMENTED two giant metal chickens onto the sign that marks the entrance to our neighborhood, Ceniza Hills. Perhaps as neighborhood mascots? or familiars? I consider it a great fortune that I stumbled across your blog about Beyoncé since I am now much more accepting of Cluck and Chuck (my special names for them) which incidentally I have I clear view out of my office window.

  298. All of our roosters end up being called Peewee, no matter what name they started out with. Frenchie is now Peewee. Pierre turned into a Peewee. Pabu… well Pabu was carried off by a hawk before he could earn the name Peewee. So baby metal chicken will start off being called Big Peewee, before it is shortened to Peewee.

  299. I’m torn between Blue Ivy and Mayor Tobias Vonwinkle. Either way, I would walk around telling myself to “put a bird on it” and then I would.

  300. I must have him because my 15th anniversary is coming up in February and everyone knows 15 is giant metal chickens and I haven’t found one yet. Though I have already planned a half pony half monkey monster (to please him) — explanation here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2_ryNJVreiY if necessary. At least I’ve ordered a pony and some monkeys. We’ll see how it all goes together and if I can avoid slicing myself open with the craft knife I assume will be necessary for this procedure. But if I win the chicken I could give him the pony/monkey monster for Valentines day and we could name the chicken Twelve, just to be contrary.

    It could work.

  302. I would name him Blue Thunder and give him to my friend who had her real live rooster, Red Cloud, stolen from her house. I would borrow him to take to my sad or sick friends and make them feel better bc all of my friends would feel better after a visit from Blue Thunder.

  303. Seriously, the name almost HAS to be Kourtney Shitsnacks. Because it works for big metal chickens AND freakish trust fund babies who think 72 days is long enough to call it a marriage. They’re so totally opposite that they’re SYNONYMS. Weird, huh?

  304. If I had a giant metal chicken, his name would be Beauregard Donovan Hightower the Third. And if not the chicken, then my firstborn.

  305. I think that since “shitstacks” is my new fave word, Beyonce’s petiter prodigy will be named
    “Shitstacks McBok-Bok.” (I’m still undecided on the hyphen. It could get out of control crazy when she decides to marry and keep her adopted name, because, quite frankly, who wouldn’t? Then she’d be Shitstacks McBok-Bok-Somethingelse, which is just too many hyphens for one “Hello My Name Is” name tag. But I digress….)

    I can’t wait to write it on her underwear when she goes to camp, and on her backpack when she, well, hops off to kindergarden. And when they call her name as she flaps across the stage at graduation, tears. Tears I tell ya.

    And, since it took me almost two hours to post this, because I was stupid and tried to do it in IE first, which was a lesson in patience and ultimately futility, before I switched over to the far superior Firefox and did this in, like 2 seconds, I think that’s Shitstack McBokBok worthy. Or at least a shout out in your next blog.

  309. I’d have to name him Quibbley McGurken, and he would be prominently displayed because I’m not allowed to bring home taxidermied animals even if they died of natural causes.

  311. There really are no words for this post. It definetely ranks up there!

    As for the chicken, I would have to say Princess Elaine of Dupont after my favorite chicken who, sadly, is no longer with us.

  313. I would name her Destiny B. Hayes.
    Also, if don’t win the chicken, but win the book, I would mentally rename your book “The Adventures of Sir Rodney Littlefoot, Esquire.” Note: that is just what I would call it. If anyone asked me I would tell them that it’s called “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” and no, they cannot borrow my copy, they need to buy their own.

  314. I hope your hospital visit gave you some answers and puts you on the path to wellness. I really enjoy reading your blog and I get an equally big laugh out of the comments. You radiant insanity and joy simultaneously and people love that about you.

    If you’re ever in Dallas for book signings, I’ll be the one with my hand up a stuffed monkey’s ass. Her name is Ginger and she’d love to meet whatever entourage of critters you bring with you.

    Seeing as I’m from Canada transplanted in this here fine state o’ Texas, I’d call the chicken Mister Cancluckistan. (After Jerry Falwell’s charming name for Canada, Soviet Canuckistan!)

  320. i’m so excited to be your 4300th commenter. Natch, you’re reading them all.

    I’m commenting to say I don’t want the chicken. I want Ferris Mewler. That is one hell of a sexy cat. I think he would get both of my cats pregnant, and they’re neutered males.

  322. Colonel Henrietta Goldstein…obviously to be know as “the colonel”….it might not ACTUALLY be a girl, but its for sure wearing ladies underwear when no one else is around.

  325. Tycho. As in the astronomer Tycho Brahe. Follow me here. A) Tycho had the bridge of his nose cut off in a duel and wore a metal prosthesis for the rest of his life (metal nose, metal beak…). Rumor has it he also died from a ruptured bladder when he refused to leave a party to go pee. B) I’m a science teacher and I need a metal chicken named Tycho in my classroom. C) It would look kick ass next to my coprolite, which is a fossilized piece of shit. Really.

  329. I have a distinct feeling that you might be my doppleganger in Texas. As I was there a week ago your blog on Beyonce was shared and that’s when we bought a smaller version. She accompanied us to the market were I set her up in various parts of the store. You have started a chicken phenomenon that is sweeping the country…and entertaining the hell out of everyone. If I was lucky enough to have this chick I would call her Minnie Yonce…there is a resemblance to Minnie Pearl. Thanks for bringing back metal farm animals.

  330. Clearly, that is Beyonce’s son… and he is obviously educated… look at his face… smug bastard.

    His name is..

    Dr. Sausalito von Roostenheimer.

  331. So, I would name the chicken The Dutchess of Wild Oats.

    Why, you ask??? My husbands mom died this past August, leaving behind her faithful 34 year old horse, Dutchess….. Dutchess would be the horse equivilant to the three-legged one eyed deaf dog named Lucky. The horse was a registered Thoroghbred race horse that raced for about a year before breaking a leg, getting pin-set, and becoming a brood mare. She then popped out 20-something babies…… Like the MIchelle Dugg@r of horses. Eventually, she was sent to slaughter (BUT- the story doesn’t end there)!!! Less than a day before going to her end, she was bought, and brought to a farm, where she lived another 4 years. Her owner died, and at that point, she was a 20-something year old, retired, pinset, broodmare race horse…… she had lived a long life, and since she wasn’t really in stellar shape, she was again slated to go to the dog food factory. That was when my MIL bought her, off the truck……… Dutchess lived 14 years LONGER…… My MIL stated every winter that I knew her (9 winters) that the horse was not going to last through the winter.

    Well, hubby and I have kids, and I don’t really have the desire to take care of horses day and night, be a taxi driver, mom, and wife. Financially , we don’t have the $$ to support the horses that were left to us (OH- there IS another, who is a severly bipolar, flamboyantly gay man, stuck in a horse’s body with severe respiratory issues -he must have smoked 3 packs a day in a past life.) So we had set out to find a retirement home for Dutchess (the owner of the barn, and a mutual friend had decided to take the other horse and temporarily help support Dutchess). Well, a couple weeks ago, I went to the barn to find Dutchess lying down on her side, head down in the stall……. not good, especially in the cold CT winter for an elderly horse. There was lots of discussion going on, and no one was willing to make a decision- except for my husband, after all, this horse was like 150 in human years and was lucky in life. Now, having to make the decision, hubby then passed a comment about having to make the “hard decisions” (I’m afraid he’s getting a God complex now, as he had to make a similar decision with his Mom). SO, the decision was made, (and I’m now worried that next time I stub my toe, He’s going to put ME down….) and Dutchess went peacefully…… Then the “mutual friend” shows up, in full business apparel, and proceeds to throw herself upon the dead horse, crying and wailing (she’d known the horse for a year- tops)……. This was when I decided I needed to stop telling my children “not to beat a dead horse”……….

    So, in honor of Fergie- and the 150 year old horse, as well as the name of the (funny) farm….. Beyonce Jr, shall be named Dutchess of Wild Oats…..

  332. “I shall call him Squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my Squishy”

    1) because i love dory from finding nemo
    2) because he is so obviously NOT squishy that it just makes me laugh
    3) because i really could use a good cock…i mean a good metal rooster…to cheer me up from the funk i am in 😉

  334. ~sigh~ I am not at all witty.

    That chicken is clearly an Earnest, but an Earnest that is confused about his identity and place in this world, all things considered, so prefers to be called Elaine. Thankyouverymuch.

    Chickens ( and roosters in drag) rule.

  335. Jenny, you always bring a smile to my face, and I’ve needed it now more than ever! Going through a messy break-up, the mini-Beyonce has helped lift my spirits – and every little bit really is appreciated! Any other time, I’d try to come up with something really witty (and maybe succeed, but more likely just find something that’s amusing to me & makes no sense at all to anyone else), but for today, I’ll stick with a simple name: Destiny (after all, she is the child of Beyonce…)

  337. I shall name her Escherichia Coli because clearly she is tha sh!t.

    And she will live a life of adventures and randomness. I promise. Her best friends will be Hamlet (my wild Russian boar head whom I have dressed up for the past 20 years), Turd (a resin toad that my 7 year-old befriended 4 years ago who is loaned out for vacations and weddings) and Carlos (a small metal chicken that lives in my office).

  338. His name is Colonel Cluck. I also like Chicken Little because right now in my life it feels like the sky is falling, but he definitely has that “military poise” look about him.

  339. Ellen Ripley, because a metal chicken is to badass for anything less than an alien-killer name.

  341. Fred. In college I had a 5 lb bucket of cheese puffs I named Fred. It wore my bikini (which doesn’t say much for my figure) and a CPR mask. Since then, I name all my houseplants Fred, all of which I like to slowly kill. If I had a metal chicken, I could name it Fred, it wouldn’t die, and I wouldn’t be able to dress it up in my swim wear.

  342. The Motherfucker needs to be called…A-LITTLE-COCK WIlle Due!! Becasue I’m a cock!!

  343. Lady Gaga. And when people point out it’s a cockerel I would be all like “exactly”.
    Or possibly Rooster Cogburn but then I’d have to find him an eye patch.
    How did the hospital stay go? *unfinished strangle*

  344. James VanderBeak. It’s got everything: pop culture reference, a Europeanish sort of sophistication, and bird anatomy. What more could you want in a name?

  345. For some reason Anderson Cooper popped into my head when I saw him! Of course it would be spelled “Couper”, Andy for short.
    b.t.w. you are awesome, you always put a smile on my face, even when you’re trying to be serious!

  346. Punky Rooster! All he needs are some leg warmers and he’s good to go. He’s already got a pretty kickass 80s color scheme going on, so leg warmers should really complete the ensemble. Those skinny little chicken legs are bound to get cold sooner or later…
    And of COURSE Punky Rooster and Ferris Mewler are friends – they’re both 80s icons!

  347. BTW, don’t mess around with him. That chicken will cut you! No shiv here – look at that big ass metal fork he’s packing!

  348. First, I asked my husband what he would like to name it. He said “Roger.” I said “No, we already have a cactus named Roger.” He said nothing and went back to ignoring me. The decision is obviously mine. So I would like to call it “Atticus Finch” (even though it’s a Beyonce, not a finch).

  350. I’d call him “Hobo,” and I’d take him with me on my next road trip (I’ve done several, the biggest one was six weeks from California to Maine and back, sleeping in Wal-Mart parking lots or on friend’s couches). I found your blog since one of my friends shared your Beyonce story on FB awhile back, and I’ve been dying laughing ever since. I’m not a fan of profanity at all, but you use it with a wit that is impressive beyond belief. Thanks for the levity you bring to my nutty life.

  351. Fergus Prancypants Poulet looks like he’s got some dance in his pants just waiting to break out

  352. Holy crap! You are one twisted sister…… I really respect that! People either love our taxidermy duckling in the “corner du murte” ( in the dining room of course) or are totally repulsed. We gave a friend one of those roosters two years ago and I built a chickenwire cage as the gift box…..it is still in the cage in their living room and it is three feet tall !! Well you have so many responses you probably won’t see this, but good luck out there. Dave

  353. Fuck.

    That’s the name.
    Because every time my husband kicks something in this house he says “fuck” very accusingly, which isn’t at all fair because that stuff is ALWAYS there and his feet MOVE.

    And he’s bound to kick Fuck around by accident. And blame me. Accusingly. I can then say “Fuck is ALWAYS there.”

  354. I would name my metal chicken Johannes Guttenbird and he would sit on the bench next to my letterpress. I will make a Knock Knock Motherfucker letterpress poster to hang next to him. It would make my YEAR and it is not even February!!

  356. Jay-Z. Cause it isn’t nice to break up families. So I’ll need a baby metal chicken too please.

  358. Bitty Burned Bantam Begat of Beyonce, if I want to saddle him with a literal name. Or “Q” since the scorch marks make him so very sciencey.

  359. No name guesses, but this seems like the perfect moment to share this anecdote: 1- Imagine a small sea-side town in Victoria (Australia); 2- a big, hot, iron shed full of “Antiques”; 3- me dragging The Man & 2 kids in anyway (despite the fact that we were on holiday and supposed to be going to the beach for a swim and it was an exceptionally warm day to be entering a hot, airless shed); and 4- my shock on hearing my partner announce “Look, there’re Beyonces” and finding no pictures of a certain singer/actress but instead multiple tin chooks. I swear I’ve never been prouder of him for 1- listening to me when I read that entry about Beyonce’s entry into your life; 2- the fact that he actually remembered it; and 3- that he saw them before I did! Love <3

  360. Simply, BossCluckChuck. Makes perfect sense to me…and would be a perfect Valentine’s gift for my mother who religiously reads your posts…and who recently choked on a cookie while reading one of them….she laughs too hard…and chokes too much…i keep telling her that choking is really bad for her health….

  361. Mr Giblets of course, no other name will do. I am a bit concerned as to the whereabouts of said giblets.

  362. I would name it Henry Cabot Henhouse III aka Super Chicken! And sing the theme song:

    When you find yourself in danger,
    When you’re threatened by a stranger,
    When it looks like you will take a lickin’, (cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck)
    There is someone waiting who
    Will hurry up and rescue you,
    Just call…for Super Chicken! (cluck, awk!)

    Fred, if you’re afraid, you’ll have to overlook it,
    Besides, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it! (cluck, awk!)

    He will drink his super sauce
    And throw the bad guys for a loss
    And he will bring them in, alive and kickin’ (cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck)
    There is one thing you should learn
    When there is no one else to turn to
    Call…for Super Chicken! (cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck)
    Call…for Super Chicken! (cluck, awk!)

  365. First of all….I NEED that anxiety ridden demon. I need someone else in this house who understands panic attacks. We could share meds and hyperventilate together. I would name him Vincent Price, because then I would be all like “Yeah so the other day I was hanging out with Vincent Price and he said the funniest thing….”

    Secondly, that is the awesomest picture of a cock and a pussy together on the internet. Thank you Ferris Mewler and Barbara Streistand (yes that’s his name…yes he’s a boy but he’s gender confused) for making that happen

  367. I’d totally suggest a name, but No Towels in the first suggestion can’t be beat. And then Blue Ivy was awfully damn good suggestion. Anyway, I couldn’t read all the others after that for fear of my head melting with laughter.

    OK, if I ended up with this chicken, I’d name it Bloggess. Because I’m not that creative at 7 a.m.

    Note: Bloggess/No Towels the Chicken would have a good home with me, but really I would adore to read your book early!

  369. Fluffy, The Vampire Slayer. That or Edward Clucken (like Edward Cullen, but instead of sparkles, he’s got a top hat AND way cooler props.)

    On a side note, have you noticed how bad Robert Pattinson’s acting in Twilight, etc., is? And I don’t think he’s overall a bad actor. Just his stern voice in the Twilight saga sounds as if he’s speaking through gritted teeth while being sodomized.

    Feel better soon, baby Ninja. 🙂

  370. I’d name him mother fucker! twinkie-dicked taint spanker! ’cause that’s what I screamed when I gave myself a second degree burn on my finger with my straight iron while reading this and not paying attention to what I was doing. It then occured to me that this could totally be a name. I’d call him Spanky for short. Or maybe Twinkie Spank. or Spank the Twinkie. I’d have to play around with it and see where it lands. And I totally deserve to win something for the injury alone, for shit’s sake. Also, I love you, even without a prize at stake. I know, sweet right?

  372. Amelia Pond because I think she is a…hot chick (ha ha ha I kill me) saving the universe.

  373. Today was either a really good day or a really bad day to read your blog. See I’ve got a sore throat and have lost my voice (completely) and for someone who speaks as much as I do that’s a massive bummer so I needed cheering up, but you cheered me up hardcore!! I was laughing (silently) hysterically through pretty much all of the post and now it hurts so much that I’m about to go take some painkillers, though I’m not sure how I’ll manage to swallow them. love that you’ve brought your daughter over to the dark side teehee and who wouldn’t want a vampire hunting chick? He’s amazing!!!!

    See now I think you should let me win the contest because you’ve caused me serious pain! Laughing was a really bad idea. I’d name the chicken Sargent Pepper and leave him on my brothers bedside table in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept, he’d love that in the morning!! Living with family is good for more than just having a babysitter on tap 🙂 on the other hand, if I won the book, I’d call it mine and never leave it anywhere!!!!! You rock and I seriously can’t wait to get my hands on a copy

  377. OMG, I will name him Bruiser! Incredible post, I was laughing out loud and snorting coffee. And for the record, when I need to laugh, I pull up the original Beyonce post. Can’t wait to read your book!

  378. I’d have to cast my vote for the name “Rorschach”. Both the name of the classic inkblot psychological test and a character in the Watchmen comic book, it’s particularly fitting. Rorschach inkblots are open to individual interpretation, and mean different things to different people. Rorschach the superhero, per his Wikipedia entry, “has no obvious ‘super powers’. He merely has his will, physical strength, and skills. Rorschach is extremely resourceful, adapting ordinary household objects into tools or weapons”. And, his real surname, Kovacs, was the name of the puppet in the movie Mrs. Doubtfire. Geeky enough for ya?

  379. I need this. What more needs to be said. I have real chickens (I can take a picture for you) and they need to worship this chicken. Like Baal. Right? That is the idol, I’m remembering correctly, right? Maybe they’ll give her eggs as sacrifices…hmmm.

    Her name, yes, HER, because the comb just isn’t big enough for a him, must be Ninja Chickette. Has a good rhythm to it, yes?

  380. Not sure why, but I’m on a “Lorenzo” kick right now, so “Lorenzo Lamas” would be this fabulous metal chicken’s name if it came home with me!

  381. I hope I am not too late to the party. I think the bird’s name should be Lady Bird Johnson. Or I will take the pig left on Beyonce. I would name him Monsieur Valéry Giscard d’Estaing. Or the book… which of course if I don’t win I will buy!

  382. The Great Sir Max Moroccan Chaz Tiger Lily
    I’d call him “Sir Chaz” for short. You know, because he looks way more like a “Sir Chaz” than a Moroccan.

  383. I’d call her Amy Farrah FOWLer. And then I’d add a tiara to her awesomeness.

  385. Just yesterday I was daydreaming about Beyonce. I keep reposting her rescue story on FB. Either you get it or don’t. I hope the giveaway is still open.

  388. I am now frantic about naming him. I have to pack for a flight to Chicago where my mom is ill and all I can think about is his name!!! I barely have one eyeball open and my mind is racing with names. This of course is going to continue well through out my flight.
    Name to follow probably after 3 cocktails, sedatives and a minor neurotic breakdown!!!

  391. P.S. – Another reason I want to win is that this year is my 15th Anniversary, and everyone knows 15 YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.

  392. what the frank?! my comment never posted yesterday….

    what i said then was that he clearly, CLEARLY needs to be named Baron Bertram Wooster. And I love him.

  393. So many responses – how can you pick one? Wow.

    I’d name him Zany Montoya. You may not have killed his father, but in a moment of frenzy he may want you to prepare to die anyway, just for fun. Though he wields tetanus instead of a sword. 😉

  394. steve miller – just imagine him singing jungle love or wild mountain honey or take the money and run or the joker…

  396. I’d love the metal chicken for my 30th birthday!! I’d name her “Tata Fuentes”.

  399. Sasha Fierce… Beyonce’s alter ego. Unless said chicken is a boy. Then it would be Ninja Pete.

  400. Ok, I just tried to read all 4,000+ others to make sure I hadn’t repeated what someone else said and realized that Chester A. Arthur wasn’t just my idea! So here’s my other name for the cock – with explaination:

    Boof Wan – I combined two of my favorite 80s/90s characters and dubbed myself “Boof Wan” as a kid; Boof, the chick from Teen Wolf and Wan from Obi Wan Kenobi.

    The name is epic and unless/until I breed mini-me, this name must live on in chicken form.

  404. I’d name HER Blue Ivy. Obviously.

    But mostly, I want the advanced copy of the book. GIVE IT TO MEEEEE.

  406. Mel, his name should be Mel. Why? I have three hens named Vera, Flo and, of course…Alice. I need to complete the diner and I have no rooster because I only want fresh eggs and not baby chicks. Plus live roosters are mean. My girls are lonely and they can totally share. And I feel guilty for depriving them of a sex life. Lastly, if I win you can just hand Mel over since I live in near proximity to my favorite blogger.

  407. Clare Danes. One of my friends is going to name her upcoming puppy that and I love it and since I’m not getting a new pet any time soon (both of mine died last year. so you can see- i need this chicken. i’m very lonely) I would totally commandeer the name for this. Though if she came to my house I would pretend it was named something else. Like Martin Sheen.

  408. I apologize for not coming up with an amusing name for the smaller version of Beyonce, but I’m posting this comment for a chance to win the smaller metal chicken, NOT FOR MYSELF, but for my sister-in-law, who is ALWAYS talking about getting a giant metal chicken (Beyonce sized), putting glowing red eyes in it, naming it “Arthur the Guard Chicken” and setting it up in her front yard with “Magellan the Wonder Goat”(who would be a real live goat) to scare away all the neighborhood kids . Seriously. I have a wonderfully strange sister-in-law.

    Since she doesn’t actually have a house yet and lives in an apartment with her fiance (who totally gets her, lucky girl), this smaller metal chicken would be just the right size to be the guard chicken for her apartment. She could put little glowing red eyes in him and call him “Art” for short, since he’s a little shorter than her ideal guard chicken. And I could try and find a small statue of a goat that she could call “Mag”(since giving her a real pygmy goat would probably violate her apartment contract).

    Anyway, I hope you chose me to win, so that I can give “Art the Short Guard Chicken” to my sister-in-law at her upcoming wedding shower. She would really appreciate it.

  410. My husband leaned over and states, “Oh, well that would be The Professor!” I can’t decide if he has some sort of dry humor somewhere inside or if its the lack of sleep with our 4 day old baby…

  411. The chicken’s name is Ethel Merman. Obviously. Can’t you see her belting out show tunes?

    Anyway, I don’t know which I want more — to win the big Ethel prize, or to come in 2nd & get my paws on that book.

  412. I can’t stop thinking that “Sister Mary Margaret Catherine” would be perfect. I mean, OBVIOUSLY Beyonce needs someone to keep her in line and a little metal chicken nun is just the thing that would work. 🙂

  414. Well, I’m a bit late to the party on this one… As always.

    So I know we’re saying it’s a chicken but I reckon it’s more of a rooster that deep down probably wanted to be a hen… so I’m going to call it Elton John. For no reason at all.

  415. “What the fuck are you going to do with a taxidermied duck?” – I didn’t know Victor was a poet.

    I would name chicken Apollo. From Wikipedia: “Apollo has been variously recognized as a god of light and the sun, truth and prophecy, healing, plague, music, poetry, and more.” I mean, you can’t get more perfect that that. It’s like the entire human experience symbolized by a metal chicken.

  417. I would name her Agnes Gooch. Because I love that character and if you don’t know what I’m talking about Google “Auntie Mame” and then watch the movie because it’s wonderful.

  422. I would name him Nigel VanNuggetson. He would live on my desk at work next to Richard Chauncey McJudgerton, the extremely judgmental turtle planter that my sister got me for Christmas. He’s lonely and has a plant growing out of his shell.

    I have always loved the name Nigel. It is the name I would have bestowed on my pet hedgehog if my husband would’ve let me get on. The VanNuggetson part because… well… he’s a chicken. And I felt he needed a longer name so there would be no competition if he lived next to the judgmental turtle.

  423. I love that there are 4000+ ideas of names for the little Beyonce hatchling. But clearly her name Brittany S. Pierce, and she should be wearing a Cheerios uniform and lamenting that she is too in fact Britney Spears. (I’ll totally do this BTW, if you send her to me I will find her an appropriately short cheer skirt and send you pictures.)

  424. PUNKY BREWSTER. I dont want the chicken though. I’d take Ferris or any small taxidermied animal, yeah.

  425. I would name him Richard Simmons obviously because he is shiny and multi-colored and I can see in his eyes that he wants to see me sweatin to the oldies!

  426. I’d name him Duke Wimberly Percival Snodgrass the 33rd.

    Hope your testing goes well and you get some answers.

  427. Saddly I thought you would have named the duckling “Vampire Hunter D” but that may be way too nerdy…

    Anyway my name suggest “Vincent Price”

  428. Jenny,
    I would him Intervention. As in my husband would stage an Intervention if that came to my house. If we have light clutter about, he thinks we (me really) are hoarders, so I’m pretty sure he would think I went over the deep end. He doesn’t know about the little Beyonce I have on my desk from “8 pounds of uncut coke”. He surely wouldn’t understand that at least Intervention isn’t towels either, even though I told him that story. You’re probably done reading these comments too, so Intervention will be someone else’s and I won’t have to sit through one.
    Thanks for thinking of me though.

  435. I would name him “Booty Woosley,” because just the mention of the name makes my husband’s brother cry.

  436. He looks a little drunk so my obvious conclusion is that he’s Irish or Scottish. Any self-respecting drunken Irish/Scottish metal chicken deserves the name Seamus Flaherty McNuggets.

  437. My first thought like some of the other posters was Kelly Rowland – the lesser known chicken from Destiny’s Child.

  438. I never comment but I would love to give a home to Ignatius P. Metalbottom. The P stands for perfection. Because OBVIOUSLY perfection IS his middle name.

  440. Why Darrell, of course. So he can join his brothers Larry and Darrell. Larry and Darrell haven’t actually arrived yet, as YOU CAN’T FIND METAL CHICKENS IN NYC!!! Seriously?! WTF.

  443. I have two names that I love but will not win.

    George. “I will love him and hold him and name him George” because that is the all time best line from a cartoon ever.

    Gunther Eugene because I once heard a mother yelling at her son “Gunther Eugene” in the best Texas drawl ever and I called my son that before he was born. He heard it so much while I was preg it took a couple of months before he answered to his real name.

  446. I would name her, for I believe it is a her, “Little Mother Clucker”.
    No other name would fit her so well!
    I would also promise to send you/post photos of LMC in various locales, sporting various small-metal-chicken-sized garments as she pecks her way about the town.

  449. Well, I’m going to try this again, since my earlier comment post seemingly bit the ether. My choice for a name would be Rorschach, as in both the originator of the inkblot psychological test and the Watchmen character. Rorschach inkblots are open to interpretation, and mean different things to different people, and Rorschach the superhero, according to his Wikipedia entry, “has no obvious ‘super powers’. He merely has his will, physical strength, and skills. Rorschach is extremely resourceful, adapting ordinary household objects into tools or weapons”. Sounds like a winner to me.

    To top it off, Rorschach’s real surname, Kovacs, was the name of the puppet in Mrs. Doubtfire, whose naming was inspired by surrealist, improv comedian Ernie Kovacs.

  450. No need to send me the cluckster Jenny. I’m sure there are others more deserving than myself. I do however plan to find a metal chicken for our home… and I shall call him “Rockstar McCockenWood.” 🙂

  451. I’d call the little Beyonce Laura. I know it sounds kinda lame and boring, but that’s my best friend’s name and this chicken would replace her as my best friend because 1.Having a metal chicken would make me cool because I am like you and who hasn’t heard about Beyonce and 2. having won the metal chicken from the owner of Beyonce herself would take my coolness off the charts. So needless to say, even though I just did, it would be Laura.

  456. Slut Bunwallah!

    (sorry, someone about a jillion posts back mentioned Englebert Humperdink, and it’s this OCD thing that I must shout “Slut Bunwallah!” every time I hear it [thanks for that, Eddie Izzard]. Even when the hearing is in my head while I’m reading. And if the shouting is typing. And it’s an appropriate name for a chicken. Especially if you have children.)

  457. Cluckity Tinytin would be the name of my metal beyonce child… Thank you for you wonderful posts everyday. They make laugh hysterically at work on my lunch break of course and I get weird looks but it’s worth it 🙂

  458. You of course should name it Ivy Blue Tail as a homage to Beyonce’s new baby. Or else Jay-Z

  460. I hope I’m not too late! I’ve been out of town, and apparently missed out on your return.

    Solange. Beyonce’s little sister.

  461. I’d name her “Cluck You”. That’s clearly what she’s saying to Victor for hating metal chickens so much.

  462. There are clearly too many other people who deserve a Bebe Beyonce, so no need to include me in the contest.
    I just wanted you to know that you inspired me to name my new kitten Dexter Meowgan.
    Not nearly as clever at Ferris Mewler, but I couldn’t bring myself to steal such a clever name. People would think I was that clever, and you deserve all the credit.

  464. I’m probably too late, and I’m too lazy to read all the replies above for inspiration and to steal cool names, but I’d name the chicken FeNix because of a long-standing argument with a Vietnamese colleague of my husband as to whether the large statue in the Forbidden City in the Citadel in Hue, Vietnam is a chicken or a phoenix. We say chicken, and he says phoenix. Which makes me think that a chicken named FeNix (note the trendy spelling) is the way to go here.
    I’ve already pre-ordered your book, but I’m up for getting an advance copy, too.

  465. I think the perfect name for him would be Franklin…… as in Franklin Roostervelt 🙂

  467. I can’t top any of those names so I won’t even try. I just wanted to let you know that this post made me snort-laugh. (That’s a very high compliment, in case you didn’t know.) That is all. 🙂

  468. MotherClucker,of course. that just would give it a completely new meaning when i call someone a chicken 🙂

  469. Frederico. But with the really crazy tongue roll that everyone on earth can do, BUT me. Because it gives him a little extra pizzaz. And mystery.

  470. Speedy Gonzales. That would be his name.
    After my kitty, who was named Speedy.
    Also, he looks like a speedy chicken.

  471. There are many thoughts running through my head. Baby Beyonce, Blue Ivy, Mr Clucklesworth. Nothing new, I’m sure. I just wanted you to know that should you select me to win the Baby Beyonce, it would have friends at my house. I have a ceramic chicken that my grandma made years and years ago and a metal rooster bought on clearance at Wal-Mart a few years ago in my plant room. Baby Beyonce would never be lonely at my house.

    I love your blog. Thanks for the laughs.

  472. Hope I’m not too late for this. I’d name him Morpheus, and he’d be a gift for my mom. She collects chickens, and proudly displays well over a hundred of them in her house. Like in the Matrix, Morpheus would go and hang out with the “normal” Matrixy chickens at her house, but I imagine him also secretly being a badass who fights evil.

    …and now I sound crazy. Awesome.

  473. I’m getting a Stephen King vibe from this chicken. A little disturbing but funny and sarcastic all in one. So I’d have to name her Dolores (as in Claiborne – or Cluckborne, if I want to stick with the chicken theme…).

  474. Leonard – since the glasses and pompadour-like tail remind me of Leonard on Big Bang Theory. 🙂

  475. I believe I would name it “Zip Zannigan: Nazi Walloper.” Because Nazis suck. I shouldn’t have to explain this.

  477. We need to talk, sister. They thought I was having seizures in my sleep too, but EEGs were “inconclusive.” It was happening when I was totally sleep-deprived with a fussy infant, and I swear it was actually because my sleep cycles were so f’ed up… It was actually classifiable as narcolepsy because I was so exhausted that as soon as I closed my eyes, I was getting into REM sleep, which shouldn’t happen until later in the sleep cycle. SOOO, try shutting down the computer/smartphone/TV at least an hour before you want to go to sleep so your brain isn’t being stimulated as you are trying to wind down. I’d almost bet that your symptoms are a result of poor quality sleep… Sleep dep will fuck with every aspect of your life and health. Hope you are feeling better soon. You are a creative genius!! XOXO

  479. Chester Copperpot. from Goonies? Alternatively, Sherlock Holmes, the crime-deducing rooster. (I am in love with that new Sherlock show on BBC)

  480. Bernice. It reminds me of my great Grandma. That’s all.

    She always said that if you had chickens, you’d have money. Seemed logical.

  481. I’d call him FatBones Brown. He looks like a FatBones Brown to me! Don’t you think?

  482. I’ll keep it short it case you are actually reading all of these.
    Notorious B I G
    or
    Martin Short

  483. I think my previous post got flagged because of a word I used. Which is a shame, because I was referring to the bad guys in World War Two in a completely lighthearted and nonconfrontational way (you know, like you do). So I guess I have to change the name to “Zip Zannigan: Commie Walloper,” because Commies suck nearly as badly as those other guys do. THIS SHOULD BE OBVIOUS.

  484. I would name him Baron Von Cluckhausen and display him proudly by my front door to greet guests upon arrival.

  485. First of all, I am a new reader of yours, and second of all, I LOVE YOU. That being said, I would name the little beyonce “Chester Copperpot”, just cuz it’s a cool name. From Goonies, yo? Or, since I am loving that show Sherlock on BBC America, and can’t wait for it to come back in May, “Sherlock Holmes”, the crime-solving chicken. Can’t you just see it? Jenny: “Hmmm, I wonder who ate the last cookie in the cookie jar…. Do you know, Sherlock Holmes?” Sherlock: “Yes, I have deduced by the size of the hand that it was…..the BUTLER!” Again, love you and thank you.

  486. Cluck Norris. Cause Chuck Norris is the #1 original bad-ass and deserves a big metal chicken named in his honor. Plus, my husband wont let me buy one so I’d figure I could try to win this one…

  487. I would name it Figment, because I used to have a chicken that looked ridiculously like that, and my parents used to tell me it was just a figment of my imagination. He’ll show them 🙂

  490. Oh, I have to get in on this. But my name would not be that special — it would just be Lester for no good reason. I’m REALLY excited about maybe winning a book. WHEE!

  491. I would call HER
    Steven Tyler

    And I would call winning your book
    AWESOME!

  492. I think your blog ate my comment, so I’m going to try this again.

    I would name him Lucille. Why Lucille? Because I love the show Leverage and the hacker, Alec Hardison, calls his van ‘Lucille’. I thought about naming him Chaos, after Wil Wheaton’s character on Leverage, but since my Akita is named Chaos, that would get confusing.

    The other name I like is Motherfucker Jones. If you’ve seen Horrible Bosses, you know what I’m talking about. 🙂

  493. I would name him Camilla, yes I know that thats a girls name, but I love The Muppets so I would name him Camilla.

  495. I would name him Maya Angelou. We would travel the world (or southeast Michigan) performing our Broadway-style revue, “A Salute to 80s Rock Bands,” where Maya would close the show each night with a gut-wrenching performance of “Peck, Peck, Pecking on Heaven’s Door” (the Guns N’ Roses version, obviously.) Or he’d just ride shotgun in carpool line.

  496. Hopefully I’m not too late to this party.

    I would name him…. MINI-BE (as in, Mini-Beyonce). Haven’t read all the other comments so hopefully someone else didn’t already get there ahead of me.

    Martin Van Buren Duck is insanely awesome.

  497. You have so many amazing ones, love your sense of humour, it is contagious!

    Barry Manilow is my choice.

  498. Sir Phillip H. Withersbottom the third.

    I will also probably adorn him with mardi gras beads. because… i don’t know why… just because it makes me happy.

  499. I think I would name him either ‘Rick Ashley’ or ‘Cluck Gable’. I’m leaning more towards Rick Ashley.

  500. Oh – I should say why I chose Barry Manilow – have you seen Barry Manilow lately? This is what he looks like!!!

  501. This is some seriousness for a minute (sorry, I know it’s boring). If the think you’re having seizures, seriously consider switching to cymbalta for your anti-depressant. My wife is also bipolar and needed to change meds. The doc put her on a double dose (120 mg) and not only did it work better than effexor, it stabilized her seizures! This was quite miraculous. Another person we know had muscle tics that went away when on cymbalta. I don’t know what they put in this pill, but it’s got something secretly awesome that helps a lot of other brain issues.

    Good luck! Seizures suck….

  506. Please pick Glen Coco. I LOVE the Mean Girls reference.

    Can’t remember the name of the brilliant person who suggested it. However, that person needs to win!

  507. I still think Jacques Cocksteau rocks, but my husband joined in on this too, and his suggestion is JayB.
    a) It’s kinda like JayZ and Beyonce and since he is “Baby beyonce”, that works.
    b) Plus, it’s also “Jenny’s Bird” or JB.
    He’s not particularly creative, but since my husband is actually embracing the metal chicken adoption plan, I thought it was worth it.
    My kids suggested:
    Krystyn- age 9- Diva Von Roosterdooster
    Ty- age 7- Mr. Spike the Chicken
    Justin- age 4- Birdie Doodie ( I think the potty training traumatized him more than we knew…)
    Hannah- age 3- Cluck Cluck
    Bonus- the chicken would be adopted into a family wher he is equally adored by all of us! And jBTW-just by making them all look at its pictures and try to name it, you have encouraged early youth litearcy, and if you just did a contest like this every week, I am pretty sure my kids would all grow up to be completely brilliant, so thank you!

  509. Oh my god, I’ve got a headache from laughing so hard. Mind you, I’m certainly NOT laughing at the fact that you might be having seizures in your sleep. Maybe you need to do like I do…. stay awake all the time? However, that does begin to suck because everyone begins to look like zombies from The Walking Dead and I’m pretty sure they are out to get me. SO…. that said….. the name I would choose would have to be “Chicken Chicken Wow Wow.”

  511. I’ve already named my chicken! Can’t wait to get it or a copy of your book. 😉 I’ve already decided that I will HAVE to get it on audio too! 🙂

    Just wanted to ask if you always leave the water running in your sink. lol. I was trying to figure out what I was seeing in the background of the second picture when it dawned on me the water was running. I blame it on my blondness that I couldn’t figure it out before. hahaha!

    I really hope your tests come out ok. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  512. Chiquita Murphy. The name just speaks to me. It’s like the mini-Beyonce is whispering to me “Ignore Mr. Mewler. Chiquito Murphy is here for you. Take him.” in an Antonio Banderas-like voice.

    Cause Chiquito is kind of a conceited seductor . But I accept him for who he is.

  513. I’m sure I missed the contest but I think the world should know… the only fitting name such a creation as a second beyonce is “barnaby jones”. And thusly, that is what I would name him if I won the contest. Good day to you!

  514. Upon further investigation, it has ocured to me that this roosters name is the Frumious Bandersnatch

  516. I don’t have a clever name for the Beyonce-esque chicken but I’d name him Etta in honor of Etta James who was one of my mom’s favorite singers. And also the person destined to own Etta should I win. Who knows? Maybe Etta is Beyonce’s grandfather?

  517. ok, I am probably much too late but I think I’d go with:
    Cock-a-doodle-don’t
    and sort of (but not really)like Bruce Willis in Die Hard he could say-Cock-A-Doodle-Don’t Mother Fucker!

  519. Joan Crawford would be a fabulous addition to our home! A friend of mine and I have been on the search for a fabulous metal chicken like your beyonce since we read about her, and they just don’t sell em out here in the mid Atlantic area :-p

  520. Why, he’s Chief Inspector Jacques Clauseau! “Kato? Katoooo! This is your employer speaking…I am calling off the attack…

  523. I heart you and your stuffed vampire duck. I would name the Chicken Tina , after my best friend that loves coke. And because she would hate having a chicken namesake.

  524. Amelia Earhart…she wasn’t a president, but she was pretty damn awesome, one tough lady!

  527. I missed an opportunity to take a Beyonce photo last weekend at a little place outside of Cypress called The Shack. So obviously I should name the duck Dennis Miller. I’ve heard he likes shacks.

  528. Ah! I hope all goes well in the hospital tonight!

    I would name him Gideon Francis Merkin III. He would very much enjoy living next to my tiny garden gnome, Stephano, who lives in my potted plant on the windowsill.

  530. I would name my new metal chicken either:
    “Knock Knock Motherfucker”

    or

    “Victor”
    I’d let you decide. BTW, how come you don’t have any photos of your Victor posted? Just wondering.
    Thanks in advance for choosing me! xoxox, your new best friend, Karen

  531. I would name the chicken Bonnie D Stroir after my favorite roller derby skater/trainer. My derby name is Riot of the Valkyrie, Val for short. I have to have a short name because people are always yelling at me because I’m 40 and I skate anyway. Chicken Bonnie can be my mascot at the bouts I skate it. She would be adored by hundreds on a regular basis. I would even paper mache – no wait – Bonnie deserves the French spelling – I would even papier-mâché Bonnie a derby helmet.

  532. I’d name him Dougles (pronounced like “muggles”), which was my dad’s legal name, since he was from Kentucky and they don’t spell too good there. He passed away a year ago Feb 15th and made scrap metal sculptures a lot like Beyonce. My mom would love such a tasteful memorial. ps: Say “Dougles” out loud – it’s hard not to smile.

  533. I would name him Tyrone in honor of the great slow jam “You’d better call Tyrone” by Erykah Badu because he totally looks like a chicken who would help a friend get his shit after his girlfriend kicked him out for being a douchebag.

  536. I’d obviously name him Sir Will Wheaton the Third, Esq from the land of Paper Collatia.

  538. I’d name him “Fifi Cookie.” Because he told me that his name was Fifi Cookie.

  539. That’s not a threat or anything.. I will TOTALLY save you room in my tent. I make an awesome room mate. And I can make alcoholic beverages out of rudimentary objects.. Like Fuckin MacGyver!!

  542. Joan Holloway after the character from Mad Men. The chicken version looks as feisty as the human character, plus I’m going through a huge 50’s/60’s phase with my friends and roommates. Our kitchen NEEDS a chicken specifically it NEEDS Joan.
    My roommate just looked over my shoulder and told me I was to add Honey Boo Boo Child to name suggestions. She’s laughing hysterically so it might be a while before I can figure out why.

  543. The only name that has come to me is Charlie. It’s simple. I want him… and your book… real bad…

  545. She’s Florence the Destroyer. Kind of a Genghis Khan feel but with the added twist of a diner waitress. Florence will serve you pie and then WRECK YOUR VILLAGE, all while snapping gum with a pen stuck behind her ear.

  546. I would name him Jay-Z Chicken Nuckle. And I would love him forever! The town I love in (Clovis, NM) has a pumpkin patch with a house size metal chicken. And around 20 various sized chickens. I was in heaven! I have a picture to prove it!

  549. Well, I already have a gnome named Lothar…. I say the chicken looks like a Steve, but my husband insists he’s RoboCock.

  550. I think Fredrick would be appropriate name. With his monocle in the up position, anything less would be preposterous!

  553. it’s a tough call. i’m torn between duecanoe (short for douche canoe) and i kind of like gallifrey.

  554. Ferris Mewler is absolutely adorable. A very handsome feline indeed! He makes me wish I were home right now with my own cat.

  555. Estelle. But not in a sexy-20-something voice. Estelle in a smoked-2-packs-a-day-for-50-years voice.

  556. Eunice, after the Cal Aggie Almost All Male Marching Band Cock (rubber chicken to most folks, but much more fun, and one of the many things that often led to them being on double secret probation several times)

  557. Dude, his name would totally be Fred. Because Fred is timeless and Badass. That is all.

  558. Back to the fluffy white rat…A mouse would do as well…does Hamlet have a cousin? Or brother? Or and Onrey neighbor?

  565. Please oh please tell me where you got the mini chicken so I can hunt one of my very own. This chicken is slightly different and smaller than the ones I saw on the way to Houston.

    Fredricksburg Trade Days (only open once a month) ~ Jenny

  566. I’d name him porkchop.

    :0D

    Thanks for being so – you! You always make me laugh – and sometimes cry – but only cause I’m laughing so hard. And if you can imagine me sitting here at my computer, all by myself, laughing so hard that I’m crying, I’m pretty sure it’ll make you smile. so your welcome.

  567. Jasmine.

    Our Jasmine decided to crow instead of lay eggs. We had to rehome him. I hope they didn’t send him to freezer camp. He was a Blue Analusian, so the blue tail looks just like him. Yep. Jasmine……….

  568. Texacola chic
    Texacola chic expresses life in a rural Texas town… independent, different, resourceful, self-reliant and at times cranky. Watch out for Texacola hiding in the bowels of a lone gas station ready to put you in your place.

  569. Oh my god there’s so many comments my computer exploded a little. It’s amazing how many readers you have!

  570. The dolls made me think of my granny. She would have been in heaven with those dolls but she’s dead. Hey wait you may have entered granny heaven.

  572. YOU my dear are Ten Freakin Kinds of Wonderful. I just found your site two days ago and I have been completely immersed in catching up on every detail. You are the most beautiful and brilliant kind of crazy there is. I wish i was your neighbor. I am going to buy your book for every single one of my friends and write YOU ARE WELCOME! on the inside cover.

  573. I so needed the laugh today. Thank you. I laughed, then I made my coworkers read the original Beyonce post. They laughed and laughed, and now they’re fans too. (Obviously)

    If I won him, I would name him Tony, after my husband, so that I could let off some stress by yelling at chicken Tony. Or so that when I say “You’re my favorite Tony,” he can no longer say that he’s my only Tony.

  574. If you live in rural Texas and you happen upon a random metal chicken store somewhere along Hwy 290 between Houston and Austin, you will find the birthplace of the metal chicken I got for Christmas, thanks to you. 🙂 His name is O’Shannessy McGillicutty, and he’s AWESOME. I had shown my sis-in-law your blog and she was on her way to Austin w/her husband when she saw a 25 foot metal chicken on the side of the highway, screamed at him to stop (subsequently making him crap his pants I think) and jumped out of the truck and took a picture with it. And then bought me a miniature version. My family is complete now. hahaha Anyways, just sharing the metal chicken love. 🙂

  575. Please please please make birthday cards using a picture of Martin Van Buren! That second one. I’d buy tons…and send them to all my friends who would immediately call me to find out what I was on. IT’LL BE EPIC!

  576. I know this is WAY after the fact, but I’m super behind on my bloggess reading. Been sick as that poor dead ducky.

    I would name it Mother Clucker. For obvious rhyme reasons.

  577. Well Fuck. So much for originality. Apparently like 50 other people used that.
    Cocksucker would be TOO nasty becasue I couldn’t say it around my mom.
    Rock da Cock is tempting because she couldn’t accuse me of making it dirty.

    Yes. Rock da Cock it is. For the metal chicken that I will never win. *sigh.* But yay for weird Texas country fairs that hold all sorts of interesting accoutrements. If you’re ever near Dallas, you should check out first Mondays in Canton. I bought my dog, a yard decoration, and a funnel cake there. As you would say, true story.

  580. since beyonce became famous with that singing group Destiny’s Child and they sang the song “Say My Name” i think it would only be obvious that the chicken’s name be – Destiny’s child say my name, duh!

  582. I totally agree with erin. Inigo Montoya would be an AMAZING name. But Wesley works too.

  583. Nathan Fillion.

    I’d take a pic of him holding twine.

    I know I’m terribly late to the party! I couldn’t resist!

  584. well…the whole 15 year anniversary thing has me, my hubby and our best friends spun up! since 2012 is both our 15th anniversary! since being introduced to your blog with your first introduction of beyonce…we have been seeking out various beyonce-like paraphernalia to deliver each other. BIG-TIME running joke between us girls..especially when someone ticks off us!!

    anyway…i was finally reading this part about naming the mini-beyonce….he said that we should name it ‘filthy whore’…so that when it get moved…i can yell out where is my filthy whore at!
    bahaha!!

  585. It’s a woman, not a man, who is the vendor with the crazy Vlad the Impaler Baby Head horror show booth. I met her at Round Top Antique Market or whatever it is called last month. I walked up, with camera in hand, obviously, and this voice came out of nowhere “Tips for pictures!” I was startled and said “excuse me?” This woman stepped out of the booth and said “People always want to come take pictures of my doll heads, some of these people think nothing of spending hundreds of dollars on antiques, but they can’t be bothered to give me a dollar to take a picture with my dolls” She had it set up so there was a kind of hole in the arrangement where a human could stand and put their head amongst the dolls’ heads for a cool photo-op. I told her that she should make people bring her more doll heads instead of give her a dollar. She liked that idea.

  586. Did you buy the vampire hunting chick set? I love the set-up it’s soo creepy and cute and back to creepy again.

  587. They definitely stole your idea for Abe Lincoln Vampire Slayer but changed the president to make it less obvious.

  588. A lot late to the party….. I have a chicken EXACTLY like that. His name is Monique Beauregard Kensington, III. I got him in honor of Beyonce. Had to share!!!

  589. Holy Cow – my wrist hurts from having to scroll down so far!

    Would name that fierce chicken – Triumph – because I’m having a bit of a difficult time right now, but I WILL triumph!

  590. This blog happens to be one of the best blog, which give proper details about it. sublime sf I enjoyed reading this blog and would suggest others too, and you would get to read about it in this link.

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