Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs. Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.
They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them. And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them. At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste. Ditto with a giant box of books. That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs). All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.
What should you comment about? Anything. Your favorite toe. The pet names of your body parts. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. The number of bodies you can fit under your bed. It’s totally up to you.
Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe. Thank you for being that tribe. And thank you for letting me be a part of it.
Since I didn’t get to see you when you were in Dayton, so therefore couldn’t get an autographed copy for my cousin, I would dearly love it if I could win a copy now, as a consolation prize.
I’d love to win a copy!
Comment on anything…hmmm…I’ve always wondered how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And I always think of a recent commercial that has some guy yelling out his door “Hey woodchuck, stop chuckin my wood!”
And I don’t know why that popped in my head…but it did.
THanks for the chance!
Oooohhh. Pick me! Pick me! I really want the extra chapter that didn’t come with my first copy!!
When I was a kid, we would vacation in the inland lakes region of Maine. Think not a lot of streetlights, and pre video, pre internet, pre cell phone days. My mother made up a thinking type game for us to play while on the long drive up (or on long day trips while there). It was “Find the best place to dump a body from the car.” It wasn’t that easy, you had to find a place that was not too visible, preferably has a ditch (again to hide the body) and not well traveled. I can just imagine what someone else would think if they heard us. LOL
And since I thought of that, I looked it up and found the answer: “A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”
I introduced my sister to you recently by posting your story about Doctor Who (she’s a new Whovian) and then told her to look up “Beyonce the Chicken” and posts on taxidermy. I don’t think she ash done any work all week. Way to stimulate the economy. I’d love to share the book with her and contribute even less. Love, another Jen(ny).
I HAVE R.A.! Not the roaming-traveling guess-which-body-part-I’ll-fuck-up-next kind of R.A. but you know – the regular giant-fingers, lots of vomiting with the meds kind. It’s a blast! And someone recommended your book because A) it’s hilar and B) you have arthritis too. It’s like we’re the same person. Except one of us has a best selling vintage glass cow eyeball.
My cat just bit my elbow and then skulked off to eat kibble reluctantly. What, you got confused??? Elbows are not delicious and tasty?? Her body would totally fit under my bed.
Yay! I collect glass cow eyeballs. Really! Meaning: your book.
Loved the book – fav one of book club!
If I think you’re perfectly normal, what the fuck does that say about me??? May I win?? Please? Your book and blog are even more awesome than frenching unicorns while juggling vintage glass cow eyeballs.
It took forever to get to the bottom of this page. If you did have some of those cow eyeballs you have all sorts of fans in your tribe that would love them. 🙂 Because everyone should share their eyeballs.
I’d love one!
It’s my cat’s 15th birthday today, so I’m sure he’d like to play with the glass eyes – or your book. You know how cats like to absorb knowledge by osmosis. Also known as insisting on being where the attention is. And my attention would be on your book. So I need your book so that my cat can demand my attention. More. Or something.
Reading your blog always cheers me up, even when the cymbalta isn’t working
Do vintage glass cow eyes come in green? Cause I’ve already got a box of brown ones. Loved the book and would love to own a copy of it. Our library keeps asking for theirs back.
I made a comment earlier about my cat eating the strawberry plants and wanting to turn her into compost to feed the plants if I catch her at it again, but then worrying if that would make the strawberries unhealthy because I don’t call her Butter Butt for no reason. But it seems to have disappeared. I can’t find it. Butter Butt and me are very sad, although the cat probably actually not that sad because I think she kind of likes me being miserable. Cats are dicks like that. So I think I should get a book, O Benevolent One, since my first comment disappeared and I am oh so distraught. Also, I have GAD and depression and the beginnings of OCD so all that anxiety stuff and trolling suicide boards and not ever ever ever ever wanting to get out of bed and look in the mirror at the shadow of yourself again is very familiar to me.
I blame you for getting me thinking about (and commenting on) bodies…or credit you…I can’t decide if thinking about bodies is a good or a bad thing.
Anyway, your body-comment-suggestion reminded me of a conversation I had at a car dealership. I was looking at the new Tesla (electric car) recently and found out that it has two trunks, one in front and one in back and both are _huge_. I was so impressed that the first thing I said to the sales lady was “you could fit like five bodies in there”. You could tell she was a super good salesperson because she covered the shock really well before answering “You’d be surprised how many people comment on that. The car is quite roomy.” I guess extra storage space for bodies is just one of the benefits for not having an engine.
NB. Not many bodies would fit under my bed…even the cat has trouble getting under there. Unless I had wood chipper…then more bodies would fit under the bed, but I think they would be harder to keep under there without some sort of containment device.
Please note all speculation about bodies and wood chippers is just that. I have not major industrial lumber equipment (or bodies). 🙂
I go to your blog for a good life and to feel a lot better about myself. Thanks for making the rest of us look good.
Love & keep it coming.
Damn.
That autographed book and I are meant to be.
When I found your blog the first thing I read was Beyonce’s tale. I knew immediately that I had found our people and shared the link with my daughter who is out of state. She is now the proud owner of your book and a mini-Beyonce. I have located a full sized rooster and have nearly convinced my husband that she must have it because it would make her smile and would be the best.Christmas.present.ever. Other than a babysloth. Or a box of glass cow eyeballs. Or an autographed copy of your book with the phrase “knock, knock motherfucker” in it.
Also, one of my son’s best friends is a taxidermist whose medium is roadkill. A producer is trying to create a reality show about him and my son and his fiancee would likely be part of the show. The footage they have shot so far includes that of my son riding a motorcycle with a dead hog on the back. I shit you not.
Thanks for the regular dose of absurdity and laughs. We’re so happy to have found your tribe!
I sprained my ankle this morning. And I need something wonderful to read while I am busy whining.
Hey, who designed that UK cover? They just didn’t seem to get it. I want my mouse!
I’d love to win a copy! So…I figure I can fit about 4 bodies under my bed, if they’re intact. 😉
Great, tease me about a box of glass cow eyeballs. There’s my productivity shot for the day as a ferret through eBay.
I have been tempted by a display case of human glass eyes in the past. My other half was underwhelmed at my desire to own them. Really, who wouldn’t want a display case full of glass eyes?
Let me tell you; I have had a sucky, sucky day. SUCKY. If, by some freakin’ miracle, I could win a copy of this box of books – or vintage eyeballs – then that would erase this day from my memory.
And, if someone could possibly inform my bosses (yes, you read that right. I have THREE of them) that “No, despite what you have been lead to believe, Gigi CANNOT perform miracles” that would be awesome too.
No pressure.
I loved your book but one with your John Hancock would be a lovely thing!
PS – I use an average of 3 cow eyeballs a week, mainly as a martini garnish!
I almost posted something here about getting into an argument with a judge over my 5th-grade science fair project, but on reflection, there’s still a possibility that an arrest could come out of the whole affair.
So, instead I’ll say that the little boy inside me who was scarred by the whole affair would love a free book.
ACK! I want this so much! Plus now that I know there is a bonus chapter it is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.
Drawings of snogging unicorns = highlight of my day.
By far, the best bed for hiding bodies would be the bed in the spare room up at my cottage. Even though it’s only a full sized bed, it features plenty of vertical space, so we could stack bodies at least two deep. Plus, the cottage itself is down a country road, in a forest and has a handy river for dumping excess bodies. Added bonus: the river will carry the bodies AWAY from the cottage, unlike a lake, where they would just eventually float to the surface and then the Crminal Minds people would show up and my husband would be mad at me. Mainly because I would totally be flirting with all the guys. I know you can relate.
I don’t know how many bodies would fit under my bed but we estimate that we can fit 5 or 6 in the trunk of my bigass car.
Jesus H. Christ at the number of comments! My least favorite toe is the pinky. She’s a bitch and an embarrassment to all the other toes! Please pick me for the book!
I’ve had a rough fucking life. My dead dad makes your still alive one look normal. A little less rougher since I splurged on this book for myself. You’re fucking awesome. I have a book of stories begging to come out, and you’re the reason it’s going to happen.
So, thanks and a hat tip.
This book sounds like the story of my life. Things that have unfortunately happened to me:
1. Have had multiple people that don’t know each other make comments along the lines of, “If I didn’t know you were so smart, I’d think you were retarded.
2. Have run over my own leg with an ATV.
3. Have been taken home drunkenly from a neighborhood block party in a wheelbarrow.
4. Have ripped the butt of my pants at the office so that my left butt cheek was showing.
5. Gave myself a concussion getting into my car in my garage.
6. Took ACT test unaware there were panties static clung to the ankle of my pants.
7. Dropped my keys in between the center console of my car and driver’s seat, then proceeded to get my hand stuck for ten minutes trying to reach them.
8. Have locked my baby in my car several times (locksmiths come to you first and usually don’t charge you).
9. Used the shelf bra in my camisole as a pocket to throw my keys in, then forgot where I put my keys and walked around shopping for two hours looking like I had a mutant third nipple.
Obviously, I need this book.
Your book is way more fun than the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (and your writing is funnier than the reviews it gets on Amazon)!
My favorite toe is the fourth toe on my right foot because I broke it on a suitcase while running to the bathroom during a commercial break of the Winter Olympics of 1992. That story was embarrassing to tell to the doctor but thankfully I did make it to the bathroom. And now all you good people know about my favorite toe. Love the book, love the tribe. Depression lies and Xanax allows me to go out in the world.
Because you’re the bravest and funniest person I have never actually met, and because I also have a ginger cat I adore (but who would have no compunction about goring me if I tried to put a unicorn horn on his head), and because of your haunted doll house and your confidence wig and for so many other reasons…..I would love another copy of your book.
Oooh! Pick me, pick me!!! Also, my index finger-toe (the one between the big and middle) is larger than my big toe. By a lot. On both feet. They’re my lucky toes.
Joining a roller derby team helps me remember that “depression lies”! 43years old abd kicking 20year old asses!!!
Your book was the best fucking shit I have read and I don’t read to often. Loved it and kind of pissed I loaned my copy, because I know I will never see that one again. I hope the British version includes colorful expressions like “Bullocks” and “bloody hell”. I own a taxidermied penguin named “Charlie” and a flat faced Frenchie, often referred to as Freak McNasty. We are practically soul sisters. Thanks for being awesome!
it would be cool if whoever wins a books gets an eyeball too. . . or to win we have to guess how many eyeballs you received.
I have had your blog in my RSS feed since a friend sent me the first entry about Beyonce. When you don’t post for a few days, I go into withdrawal.
We don’t need to discuss the bodies under the bed……. And I would love to have a new copy of your book, especially with the added chapter.
You are an oasis in the desert of my days. The first time I encountered your magnificence was from a link on Epbot to the Beyonce Incident. Ever since then I have been a loyal an proselytizing minion to the wonder that is the Bloggess. Thank you for being you and regularly imperiling my laptop with spewed liquids. I have mostly learned not to sip and stare but sometimes it happens.
To make you laugh:
My husband and his friends have come up with a new way to measure area. Or more specifically, trunkspace in a car. They look at the trunk and decide how many dead hookers they can fit in it. The more the merrier. We currently have a 3DH trunk. This type of information is useful if you ever need to hide a body.
I nearly busted a digit scrolling through the comments! If I get one I would request that you inscribe it with something in the voice of your favorite real or not real doctor who character (I’m partial to river song, who I pretend to be when I’m feeling like I need some extra gumption. Like how beyonce – the singer not the chicken – pretends she’s Sasha fierce on stage).
I keep meaning to look for your book but it never fails that if I make it to the bookstore I never make it beyond the pratchett/gaiman/gibson aisle before I make a beeline for the cashier and out of the place. I would love to see what is in there after all the things I have learned on your blog (the unicorn horn post in particular was enlightening…who knew that tonsil stones and milkspots actually had names) or wished I could unsee (though the same post probably applies). Also the posts with the cats sort of convince me that cats aren’t demonspawn (I’m a dog person, like 50+ lbs minimum dog, not the snacksized).
Love and lady gardens……….. Please pick me
I’m pretty sure I can only fit 4 glass eyeballs in my mouth at once.
Will Ferrell does a great impersonation of George W. Bush. That’s all……
My favorite toe in the whole world is on my four-year-old daughter. It has a big freckle and she calls it her chocolate chip toe. I frequently pretend to eat it. I love the covers of the UK version, I want one!! Plus I loaned my copy out to some friends and haven’t seen it since, so I need a replacement.
Loved listening to the audiobook, and was sorry when I finished it, because you have to love laughing out loud on the drive to/from work. And am still giggling about frenching a unicorn.
Your blog makes me so happy…and feel much more normal.
I had a voice teacher in college with a glass eyeball. I could never remember which one it was and usually spent the first half of my lesson staring at him trying to figure it out.
So, I was fully prepared to come over here and tell you I like my fourth toe best. Then I realized you might count your toes differently than I do, so I tried to figure out what the names for toes are and couldn’t. Do toes have names??? Fingers have names. So, I’m just going to call it by the finger name – ring toe. That’s my favorite one, but only the left ring toe. The right one’s a wanker.
Your favorite toe: The market one.
The pet names of your body parts: Naomi. Bill and Potato
How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Normal: 15 Abby: 42
The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: How many did you need to hide? I live in CT. a.k.a. Woodchipper state, we make it work.
Really would be thrilled to own a copy of this imported cow eyeball book. 🙂
We’ve already bought 4 copies of your book at my house and I won’t let my hubby read any of them! His fingers are usually grubby. :/ Plus we gave 2 of those copies away as awesome birthday gifts. He REALLY needs to read your book though and see that he is not alone in fighting the darkness. An autographed copy for him would just MAKE OUR DAY! Have an awesome one yourself and thanks for the smiles!!! Love ya!
This would be my third copy. Of course I have to have it.
You should check out The Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast at http://www.mentalpod.com. Funny and enlightening!
I’m a dude and I still think you are the funniest thing since Lenny Bruce! (That’s right. It’s a Lenny Bruce reference)! I tell everyone to read your blog. My wife loves the taxidermied (Hey look! I just made up a word!) creatures the best. She doesn’t care who you are as long as you keep those stuffed critters coming. (I truly care who you are however). Oh yeah, about the free book…..Please, please, please. (Oh I’m sorry. I don’t mean to beg). It’s so unbecoming……….
First, you are awesome…and some kind of kindred spirit sister.
Second, when I was little I used to have this recurring dream about these (friendly) gremlins that would come visit me, but I had to hide in the closet because for some reason they were scared of me. I miss those guys.
I loved the book and still love it and would LOVE an autographed copy!
I was reading your book on my NOOK, before a job interview, just to keep myself relaxed and calm. Problem was, I kept cracking up, and laughed until I cried at one point. I was able to clean myself up before the interview, but I probably had a maniacal gleam in my eyes the whole time.
Bottom line: Didn’t get the job, but found my tribe.
Congrats on your success! Bravo! And I loved your stories about your dad and furry animal friends. Strange. And new but old…because it was the 70s, right? New to me, anyway. And funny. I also want to say you used the word “fuck” as a noun, adjective, verb, conjunction, proper name, and I could go on. Very brilliant!
I cut my finger yesterday. Please pick me.
I would love a copy, and I would love it if you came back for another event near LA, so that I could get all flustered around you all over again and squeal over Copernicus (or whoever joins you).
Fantastic! (To quote my most favorite Doctor) I’d love to have a copy of the British version of your book. But only if words have extra “u”‘s in them – like favourite, colour, neighbour…just seeing those words makes me read them with a British accent!
I loved your book, and I’m studying for finals and could really use a laugh! Pick me!
I don’t think a normal person uses any glass cow eyeballs in a lifetime. Which is thoroughly boring, and why I’m not friends with normal people. I’m sure my friends and I could find multiple uses!
Also, many bodies under my bed. The one benefit of crappy dorm room lofting. 🙂
Getting a copy of your book would totally be better than drenching a unicorn.
You? Are my hero…
watching arthur darvil give a tour of a taxidermy shop on the nerdist. also this is my favorite book!
Jenny I totally thought of you the other day when I saw a video of a cat in a shark costume riding around on one of those robotic floor cleaners. And there was a small duck I the video too.
I don’t care if I win a copy, but I wanted to thank you for your writing your book.
When I was young, I was one of those kids who stuck things up his nose.
How are glass cow eyeballs different than, say…glass horse eyeballs?
I read this and my first thought was, do they float? (the eyeballs, not the books…)
Hooray! You are awesome!
Also, I’m wearing shoes with Union Jacks on them, so clearly this means that I need the British book.
When my husband inherited an antique candy dish from his however-many-great grandmother Halle Berry (no joke), what did I fill it with? Yep. Glass eyeballs.
When my 10 yo learned about erections, he thought his dick was going to explode. Lol.
Please send me one!! I have had a Horrible week! I went to a classmates funeral. He passed of a drug overdose, he was very depressed. The Memorial service was at a another classmates house. There was an Exwife, new girlfriend, strippers and a bon fire. In the end mice on fire ran out of the Pyle of brush and the new girlfriend collapsed after the service. After they spread his ashes in the back yard. It’s been a long disturbing week. I can never get off work in time to get to an autograph signing… And I’ll read it in an English accent…
I have a zombie toe. A few years ago I very smartly thought that moving a couch by pushing it down an uneven sidewalk with flip flops on. The couch stopped and my foot kept going and my zombie toe was born or unborn. I broke my big toe in 2 places and tore off the whole nail. 4 years later and my toe is still all zombified.
My dad has a small collection of glass eyes. He uses them for some strange character he plays at children’s birthday parties. Or to drop into the food and drinks of unwanted house guests. Strange man, my father.
I tell everyone I know to read your book. Well, I tell the people I know it won’t offend. Well, I told my husband because I was laughing so hard I was crying in bed, and he was curious because usually that only happens with him. Wait . . .
Please send me a book! I have given my copy away!
*grabby hands*
So, I’m seeing that there are currently 1974 comments, which would make mine #1975, which – coincidentally – is the year of my birth. So, I’ve got to be destined to win, yeah? 🙂 🙂
I’d love a copy! I could reread your book over and over again… Wonder what that says about me
No bodies can fit under my bed….I hope that doesn’t disqualify me from entering to win your book
I think you can never have enough glass eyes…
Squeeeeeee! I would love an autographed copy!
My brother looked at my wishlist, and saw your book, so bought it for my for my birthday, and gave it to me just in time for my first international flight, which happened to be to my life-long-dreamed-of vacation to Scotland. I laughed, snickered, chortled, teared up a bit, and felt like I was being accompanied by a close friend on my solo-trip. I would love to have a book that you signed. 🙂 Maybe next time you come out Seattle way I’ll have enough notice to request the day off so I can show up at your event. Thanks for being outspoken about you, and making it easier for all of us who are slightly off “normal” to feel like we can talk about what it’s like to be us. <3
Favorite toe? NOT the one that is hammer toe-ing (sp?) and causing me pain. Pet names of body parts? Tokyo Stompers (my feet, cuz they look like Godzilla’s). How many glass eyeballs a normal person uses in a lifetime? 1, if they are lucky and 2 if they are not. The number of bodies I can fit under the bed? 2 1/2, if I move the AR-15.
I hate all of my toes, so I definitely don’t have a favorite 🙁
Would love to have your book! My sister and I keep in touch despite living hours apart by sending each other links to your stories all the time!
I definitely just read that whole post in a sexy British accent. That alone should make me a winner. Also, the only body parts I have nicknames for are my breasts, which I called Dorothy (right one), and Toto (left one).
A glass eye giveaway is just as exciting as a book giveaway.
I have a pirate cat. Her name is River (Tam or Song, depending on her level of crazy) she lost her eye before we got her, but won’t wear an eye patch (no matter how many zebra striped/leopard spotted ones I make and put on her)
I thought since it was a post about fake eyes…..
Also? she looks like Hunter S. Thomcat =^.^=
When I found your blog 2 years ago, I was all WTF is all this.. I have only recently started to “get” you and all I can say is WOW. I write “dont blink” on my bananas that I bring to work for lunch…sometimez.
Love your book, Jenny. Can’t wait for the next one.
Hell, I wanted your book anyway but my husband has forbidden me to buy any more books until I got rid of some. Winning a book doesn’t count as buying so I could add yours to my collection.
Would love a signed copy!
I so want a glass cow eye… just because 🙂 But a book would be awesome too!
My favourite toe is definitely not the toe that is still black from wearing too-tight ski boots months ago. Stupid toe.
Today I found out I will probably get to meet Nathan Fillion this year so it’s already the best day ever.
are all glass cow eyeballs brown? do all cows long to jump over the moon? do cats normally play a fiddle? who exactly is diddle-diddle?
So I’m pretty sure that Ferris Mewler and my kitten, Einstein, are related. Except Ferris Mewler is more porn star/fashion model and Einstein is more sharp knives attached to his hands/bitey teeth wrapped around my ankle. He may think is name is Asshole because I spend a lot of time saying “Get off of me, Asshole”. Which also works for my husband. But that’s a different thought all together. So, to summarize, I’d like an autographed copy of your book to accompany the non-autographed copy that I own. You see how these things link together, right? I knew you would…
you had me hooked with Giant Metal Chicken – it is my remedy for the blues
would surely love the book – better than Xanax!
As someone with ball jointed dolls, I think I prolly already have far more glass eyeballs than I can use.
You could randomly place them throughout the house , so victor feels like they are watching him. Glass eyeballs I mean.
glass cow eyeballs? I can’t wait to see what you do with them.
My cat’s names are George Washington, Iolaus, and Ernest Shackleton.
I would love to win an autographed copy of your book.
Um…just to clarify…my husband doesn’t often have sharp knives attached to his hands or bitey teeth wrapped around my ankle. I felt compelled to clear that up…he may be Supreme Ruler of the Universe one day…I don’t want to sully his image.
I once complimented a man on his car on our first date. He responded with, “Yeah, but you can only fit 2 bodies in the trunk. Three if you chop them up.” Best. First Date. Ever.
want!
Actually, I have a pet name for my half-toe, which got amputated due to an infection. I call it THE HAMMERHEAD.
I once dissected a cow’s eye. They’re pretty on the inside.
I was kind of hoping for a vintage glass cow eyeball but since my sister stole my copy of you book, I’d like to have British replacement. Speaking of bodies, I always measure the size of a trunk (boot) in bodies. You know, just in case.
I had a cat named Foosilly and to play with her mind I would have “backwards day” by pretending I was Mr.T and calling her “Silly Foo”
The amount of bodies under my bed would depend on if they were whole or if they were chopped up in to bits. Whole I would say 3 to 4 depending and chopped in to bits – the possibilities are ENDLESS!
I want that extra chapter.
You make me laugh everyday! Thank you also for introducing me to Matt Smith and the new Dr. Who–so glad the kids have been sick (not really) so that I can sneak in episodes while they are napping!
My comment is this: I’m graduating from college next week, twenty years after I started! Woo-hoo!
I just tore off the remains of my gel nails. Bad idea.
I think that you, the Blogess, and Chelsea Handler, and I could be related. Or
Triplets. We all kinda hate people and everything in between. #soannoying
Back to my nail issue. Ciao. (P.S. approximately 3 bodies, comfortably.)
When I was a kid I thought if someone punched you hard enough before all your adult molars came in, that your body would reabsorb the teeth and they could wind up growing out of another bone in your body. As if the tooth–idk, seeds??–would go wandering and eventually you could grow a tooth on like your elbow or your kneecap or something. I had a spinal operation 7 years ago and before the procedure I had nightmares they’d open me up and find molars on my vertebrae. And then they’d tell me it was because I rode my bike into the back of a Domino’s delivery car, teeth-first, when I was 7.
Freak teeth are still kind of a phobia. But I think Gypsy Molar might be an awesome name for a terrible band.
Yep. Want. This book made me laugh and cry and feel things. Of course I want an autographed copy!
I need more of these books because I keep trying to lend people my copy (signed at the Kansas City book tour), and no one will take it because it’s “too special” and they’re afraid something will happen to it. This is all very sweet and polite, but I MUST SHARE THE AWESOMENESS.
I would also love to win your book! It will be fun to see how I make out when I try to hold in my laughter while reading your book on the ferry during my morning commute!
I want to win! I think that the average person needs about 6 glass eyeballs…unless they are the wrong size, then they might fall out and break more often…so I amend my answer to 6 well-fitting glass eyeballs.
Take it as a compliment that when I saw the dead mole I thought of you.
My favorite toe is the one that tables and doggy paws don’t attack. (I guess that means I don’t like my toes at all.)
I’ve never named my body parts. I totally should though. Imagine, instead of saying “I hit my funny bone the table” it could be “I hit Taylor Swift on the table”.
I think you would use at least two glass eyeballs per creepy stuffed dead animal you make. I think a normal person would only ever use one in their life time but normal people are boring.
Brb, let me crawl under my bed with all my friends and I’ll let you know how many bodies fit.
Your blog is my guilty pleasure …I love to log on and read at work when I am having a particularly awful day. It always makes me smile, laugh and realize I am NOT the only one out there like me. 🙂 I would love a signed copy of your book!
p.s. don’t you find it a spot odd that the brit version of your book does NOT have HAMLET VON SCHNITZEL on the cover? not that you aren’t lovely….
My right boobs name is Betty Boob and my left boobs name is Mamela Anderson.
Also, I let a friend borrow my copy of your book about 7 months ago and she never gave it back.
I don’t blame her.
But I want to read it again.
And an autographed copy sounds more kickass than a unicorn drenching a woman.
I’d so love a copy of your UK book. Your book had me laughing so hard I was crying. Thank you for keeping me laughing in a more trying time in my life.
P.S. I love unicorns and the pictures of the snogging unicorns were fanfreakingtastic!
Even though I already own the book I feel the need to enter because I love this cover. I will mention here that I just ate massive amounts of peanut M&Ms that I got the day after Easter. I am on the cusp of sick/happy.
Ugh. Autocorrect.
*Frenching
I mean, I don’t know how unicorns feel about golden showers, but I feel negatively about them.
Actually, I might consider it if it were a unicorn because hey, motherfucking unicorns!
My female spawn-child now loves Dr. Who. Another one added to our flock. You’re welcome. Please send her your book so she can count the number of times you say vagina and we can speed past that uncomfortable benchmark. 🙂
I didn’t actually read your book, I listened when you read it to me on audiobook. Does that still count? I think we are from the same tribe.
Oh how I have wanted to read this book for a while now. I would love to have the opportunity to win one of your autographed copies. It’s a pretty cool tribe that you’ve got here!
I have a friend that has had several glass eyeballs. She has to get them replaced periodically because I don’t know why, but she uses them as Halloween decorations. The cool thing about human glass eyeballs is that there is an artist that hand paints the iris to match the other eye and that on the back side they paint a small picture so that they can tell the eyeballs apart.
I own the ebook and would love to read the new chapter. I promise to pass your book on to a bookless tribe member. Also- no favorite toes, genetics and RA have not left us on good terms.
I could probably fit 9 bodies under my bed…..but then id have to throw out all of those glass eyeballs.
monkeys
please pick me, because i was once a juror on a serial killer case. i’m not kidding.
Pick me please!
My kids are sick at the moment. My two year old keeps running up and wiping his snotty nose on my clothes, it’s completely disgusting.
What the bleeding ‘eck have glarse eyeballs got to do with the price ov fish?!
Hey, I need this. Really. TIA 🙂
Unfortunately I can’t fit any bodies under my bed since I just moved and have my box spring on the floor. I need to figure out some other storage solution.
I love being a part of this Tribe!! Would love to win one also!!!!!
I totally want to read your book. I keep hoping someone will gift it to me, but so far my Jedi mind trick has apparently failed because no one has offered me a copy adorned with a bow. Winning a copy would probably be the next best thing to suddenly coming into my as-yet dormant Jedi abilities. ^_^
Last week, I taught the two teenage boys I tutor their first ever sex-ed lesson (they are 17). Surprisingly, that description is NOT a euphemism.
You had me at unicorns snogging.
If I won this would you post it to New Zealand? Or, you know, hand deliver it? We have a spare bed!
My favorite toe would have to be my right pinky toe that has completely regrown its toenail at least three times this year because I have no sense of space and run into everything.
A friend in high school had a glass eyeball. She would take it out during biology and gross out the preppy girls even worse than they already were grossed out by dissecting stuff.
I LIKE POTATOES!!!
Thanks for the invitation to the tribe. 🙂
So, my friend and I decided one night after watching Law and Order that we really needed to know how many dead bodies the average person discovers in a lifetime. We figured by Law and Order standards, it has to be at least 5. We performed diligent Google searches, found fascinating things out about prostitutes, and information about your own dead body, but we never got a number. I figure we deserve something for all of our hard work, right?
Pick me pick me! I was looking for new houses & I saw one with a bunch of animal heads on the walls & thought of you.:)
Your book made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. Thank you!!
Unicorns are naturally horny.
I’m from New Zealand, and I can’t get your book here yet unless I order it from Amazon and they charge lots to ship a little book all the way here so here’s hoping, but otherwise I will patiently wait for your book to come out here because it’s nice to read about people as weird as I can be 🙂
I would like to enter to win anything you’ve touched so I can have an object touched by a celebrity. But really, you’re awesome. I’d love to enter to win a copy. Please remain as unbelievably cool as you are.
I recently dropped my laptop on my ring toe, and it has an awesome bruise that looks like a smiley face.
There’s a duck nesting in the bushes next to my front porch.
Ooo. I’m pretty sure I could fit 1.25 morbidly obese personages under the bed, or 4 average sized people, assuming I can duct tape their arms and legs together so they won’t flop out the sides/
In other news, I call my boobs my “purin purins.” You know, like the giga pudding commercials.
Wow, I hope I win! I need something to stop this desk from wobbling.
I should win, because I lent my hardcopy to a former girlfriend, who left me and kept the book
I was going to leave a funny(to me) post, but after reading most of these I have no chance. I loaned out my book and haven’t gotten it back. That’s how good it is.
Well, first of all, I am a personal unpaid advertisement for the book. Laughed and cried hysterically throughout. So much so that my kid asked me not to sit by him and read it, and people on the plane must have thought I was high as a hippie. I tell people about it all the time, clearly sales have increased dramatically just based on my awesome tale of how amazing it is. No pressure at all…. Anyways, I think I win the prize for odd dog names. Guppi the Puppi, chihuahua with long hair, and Bug, the tiny terrier of terror. Love ya, Jenny!
I got married Saturday! This would be a fantastic wedding present! I will even send you a thank you note too! 🙂
Saddly no bodies would fit under my bed… unless you meant metaphorically, like skeletons in your closet, but you’ve seen my closet and know that nothing would fit in there so that jus leaves the almost non-existent space under the bed, that is still bigger than the totally non-existent space in my closet, and why would you keep your skeletons in your closet if you are gonna be constantly having to move them around to get to your clothes? What was the question again?
Anyway I live in Mexico and just recently managed to get a copy of your book, and good thing I waited cause I get to read the extra chapter. I’m just starting it and I totally love it. It has already made me look like a crazy person in the bus, which is great cause no one wants to sit with a crazy person so I get the whole seat for myself.
I’d love a copy – if only because I bought it in both hardcover and Kindle edition and bought two additional hardcover copies as gifts. If I bought the new version just for the new chapter, my husband might kill me.
“Some of those people on Match Game were drunk. With power.”=30 rock
My daughter was born with 11 toes. To be fair the 11th toe disappeared once I slept. But I counted 11 toes when she was born. True story.
There is way too much stuff under my bed to fit any bodies
Me! It would be an awesome read after the craziness of preschool right before summer.
My love for you started with the chicken. And Victor. It lives on.
For the unicorns!
once again I”ll state that I would love love love to win an autographed copy of your book, especially since I don’t have that extra chapter and I swear its driving me crazy knowing that the extra chapter exists and I don’t know what it says!!!! 😛
Please pick me, thank you 🙂
I can only fit one body under my bed right now, unless they’re midgets. Then I could totally fit two. The rest of the space is filled with three storage bins filled with boots. My shoe addiction is so great that I was forced to give up dead body hiding spots. It’s a real problem.
One time my friends and I used a jersey shore name generator and I came up with K Pop for me and now I refuse to be addressed by anything other than K Pop. I knew it’d finally caught on when my grandma used it. I promise I’m not a dbag. Also, I have 4 yards of mulch to do tomorrow and I hate that they measure it in yards. And that the first year of home ownership I made an ass of myself when ordering mulch and talked in circles with the sales guy.
Guy: how man yards do you need?
Me: just one I think.
Guy: Most people start with at least 4 because they get free delivery and can use it.
Me: blank stare
Guy:so four?
Me: so then I give mulch to other people for their yards?
Guy:blank stare
Me: I’m so confused
Guy: yard is a measurement like cubic yards
Me: oooooooooooh. So how big is that?
And I got too much mulch that year. And then we moved and now I use enough mulch that I could open a mulch store.
And I want a book.
After much goading from my husband and friends, I have started writing. So far, I have the beginnings of a short movie script, a response to a student asking about inter-faith marriages, half a Cracked article, and what appears to be a list of things that toddlers think at 4am. I am KILLING this writer thing! I think tomorrow I’ll just go back to reading what other people write, though, so your book would be nice. Thanks.
My boyfriend bought me the kindle version. But then my kindle broke. And I don’t have the money for a new one right now. Help me out?
DAMMIT. I already bought an ebook. but a hard copy would be nice. Does it read in a British accent?
For some reason this post reminds me of “Good Country People” by O’Connor. Must be my English teacher attention to/fixation on artificial body parts! And cheers to you!
Letting you be a part of it? I think it’s safe to say you are our leader. Bless your heart.
I would love to read your book!!!! I keep meaning to buy it but I have 2 toddlers sucking my brains out.
Peeps be likin’ the free swag. knock knock, motherfucker.
nothing would make me happier than another copy of this book- I was reading it in an airport, crying/laughing and more than one person came up to ask what book it was because it had to be wonderful if it made me laugh so much- also my thumb nail is wider than it is long- some kinda weird deformity- and I recently found out there are support groups for people like me- with freakish thumbs- brachydactyly type D thumbs that is
I keep reading that sugar is bad for you, but then I read that local honey is great for you. This is very confusing for me. SCIENCE, CONTROL YOURSELF.
Your book made me laugh so hard. And I had a bathroom party of my own when I went to one of your book readings in San Antonio. I wanted so much to go talk to you but I couldn’t. I can’t wait till your next book comes out. And winning one of the first would be fantastic
My brain is my favorite organ. I nearly lost it in a bad fall last year, so of course I’m glad it didn’t leave me. My liver is my second favorite organ, because, well, wine.
i prefer eyepatches over glass eyes for cows. Pirate cows are amazing. Arrrrmoo
I’m 2029! That’s my favorite year! I don’t have a lot of signed books… one Ray Bradbury and a David Sedaris… But I’d be tickled to add your work to the mix!
Keep Calm Take a Zanax,
-steve
Ulna. But I’m not telling you which one.
Nicknames of body parts? Well my so-called friends named the girls “Deanna” and “Beverly” after the characters that were covering them on the Next Gen t-shirt I wore back in the 1990’s. Nice, huh?
So now that I’ve embarrassed myself . . . I hope I win a book. Or at least make you laugh. I owe you a few!
My favorite toe is the one that makes me look the best. I should spend more time invested in how my toes look.
If I was feeling motivated I could probably squeeze at least 10 bodies under my bed 🙂
I’m studying for my PhD qualifying exam and going stir crazy doing it. Meeting you in SF was a great diversion, but now I just want to re-read your book!
While out shopping at my favorite thrift tore today, I may have picked up a pair of vintage moon boots! And I would love a copy of your book!
Someone I know from Australia was going to bring me a kangaroo balls keychain when she came to the US a while back, and then she forgot. I AM BEREFT OF KANGAROO BALLS KEYCHAINS. T____T
I am a 7th grade math teacher. If anyone needs an extra dose of hilarity at the end of her day, it’s me! 🙂
Also, I love winning at everything. Even internet contests.
Random fact: typewriter is the longest word that you can write using only the top row of the keyboard.
Turns out my puppy likes to eat goose poo.
Your favorite toe: My pinky/baby toe. IDK why…it’s cute?
The pet names of your body part: Boobs – Thelma and Louise.
How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Hmm…three?
The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: I plead the fifth.
I wonder if Glass Eyeballs could be repurposed as prosthetic testicles, for folk in need and all.
I just want you to know that last week I was waiting in the hospital while my dad had triple bypass surgery. I was so glad to have your book with me to help lighten my day. Thanks for being with me. An extra copy is always good for something like a wobbly table or a friend in need.
I want this book, mainly because no one sends me parcels because they don’t know how to write Chinese characters. But I’m ok with you taking the easy way out and just printing out my address.
Also Facebook and Youtube and Blogspot and a hundred other websites are blocked in China, so when I first moved here I felt homesick and isolated and desperately alone. Then I discovered that your blog *wasn’t* blocked, and the laughter has gotten me through moving cities, two brutal peri-Siberian winters, and a whole lot of feeling hemmed in by way too many people.
Thank you.
Pick me! Pick me! I want another copy, but a different version with an extra chapter!!!!
My dog Frank has extra toes. We thought it was just dew claws and were going to get them taken off but it turns out he just has extra. I think it makes him more stable on two feet. Like he could be a boxer, not a dog boxer, because he is a pyranees/lab mix, but a real “mama says knock you out” boxer.
Ha-I actually do have a favorite toe! It’s my second “royal” toe, which is very long, just like the Statue of Liberty’s second toe.
My favorite toe is the one right next to my big toe. Because I stub my big toe, and I jam my baby toe, and sometimes even the toe next to it (do you call it the ring toe?)
But nothing bad ever seems to happen to my pointer toe. By saying this I have now jinxed my favorite toe. Damn it.
I met Wil Wheaton twice this week at the Calgary Expo. I was bathed in his aura of awesome. Pick me!
(I saw Nathan Fillion from a distance and he is smokin’ hot).
Ask me about my attention deficit disorder, or pie, or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like reality tv? I saw a shiny rock. Hi.
My bookshelf is lonely and needs a friend. Like your book.
Easy peasy lemon squeezie 🙂
You made me a legend at work. I offered you a taxidermied animal to review one of our products and then I got my manager to take me to the sketchiest pawn shop ever to price out an emu. It was expensive but so worth it. I kind of wish you had said yes because I wanted to see our accountant’s face when I tried to write it off as a business expense.
… That totally beats looking at porn at work, which also happens a lot.
I have just been put on bed rest for the next five weeks or until this little mini-egg decides to make an appearance and I’m afraid I’m going to COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If left to my own devices I will have nothing to do but lie here contemplating the massive cankles that got me into this predicament (wow, thank you spell check, I would never have guessed that’s how you spell predicament).
Please save me from my MASSIVE Cankles! I think a book to hold up in front of my face will do the trick. Unless of course they grow to such mammoth proportions that they swell out on either side and start to be visible in my peripheral vision, oh god, is that even possible? Now I need to do a Google image search for cankles…
Thank you, that is all.
I was gifted this book by my dear friend, since she recognized us both as members of the tribe as well. I have it only on my Kindle. Since I still have a softness in my heart for paper books, I’d love to have one, and read the extra chapter too!
I would love a signed copy of your book. Thanks for a fun offer.
Lynn
My favorite story in the book is the squirrel in the cracker box. Or maybe the turkeys. Or maybe how it makes me glad that my parents stuck to normal 1970s hobbies like macrame and decoupage.
Truly elated to have stumbled upon and found my tribe – you make howl with laughter every day! Can’t ask for more than that. Thank you for being amazing and bat shit crazy. Can I have some glass cow eyeballs, please? I have the perfect vision for how to use them…
I didn’t want to try, cause I thought I’ll never win, but then thought, have to try. Thanks for helping me when I want to crawl under a table (figuratively).
I am currently drinking wine out of a T.A.R.D.I.S mug. It holds a lot of wine.
I loved your book. Yes, I read it all ready. But would love to win it for a friend that could really stand to laugh so hard that an airplane full of people think she’s a crazy person…yes that was me, and I would love for it to be her as well. Also, apparently when I try to hold in my laughter, I look like I’m trying not to sneeze and cry at the same time, things I didn’t need to know about myself. I digress…
Friend + hard times + depression + anxiety + divorce= really needing a “pick me up”
(if it wins you over any, I can do taxidermy…mostly on birds, but that is what a biology degree teaches people now days)
Thanks
I would prefer the eyeball, but, hey! Free Book!
I laughed so hard I cried a couple of times reading this book. Also kept the hubby up by shaking the bed trying to silently laugh. I have pimped your book to all the family. I would sooooo love a UK copy of it:)
Thanks for the fun
Ruby Cichocki
Please pick me and I’ll tell you all about the time that I had nothing to comment about other than the fact that my sister has my copy of your book and I totally could use one to read in a sexy female Doctor voice. Or maybe I’ll be Rose Tyler. Who knows. No pun intended… PICK ME!!!!!
This is still my favorite book – I think I’ve read it 3 times in the last year. And given away about 7 copies of the book to friends (no one understands how much you laugh aloud when reading it … until they read it).
Jenny, I love your blog so much, it really gives me a good laugh when I’m having a bad day. 🙂 I read your book in just a couple of days, and have passed it on to my conservative parents (who really loved it too!)
-Melissa
I have two glass fish eyes. Both rejected from a burrfish patient who had lost one eye. We tried two difference sizes. First was too small, second too big. They used to live on my desk. Took a while for people to notice the eyes staring back at them. Favorite previous work keepsake.
There’s a kitty!
I keep forgetting that preschoolers don’t get sarcasm.
I prefer to keep my bodies under someone else’s bed.
I hope I win! You rock!
I’m too tired to come up with something witty but I still want the book!
‘Wahoo’
I bought your book for my sister for Christmas but forgot to read it before she took it with her when she left. And it didn’t have the extra chapter. So yeah, I want to win.
Will you just LOOK at these shameless people (over 2000!!!!) who are unabashedly begging to get a copy of a book that I consider one of my absolute favorites!!
I will NOT Join the myriad of lost and wandering souls and beg for a copy of my absolute favorite book
– I will simply state the truth – I Want to read the extra chapter that you’ve included – puh-leeze!!!!!
I will love you forever and ever if you accidentally pick me to be a winner …. AND….
I will love you forever and ever if you do not pick me to be a winner – my love does not waver – Ask Harper Lee – she’s been a favorite forever and ever and ever. Hugs!!!
Kathy
Given that I’ve put my queen-size bed on lifts, I’m fairly certain I could store several bodies under there for as long as I could stand the smell.
My favorite thing to do with your book is give it out as a gift, and I know just who I would give this copy to, were I a lucky winner!
Hoping that the new chapter includes unicorns french kissing, but not sure the Brits would allow that. Anyway, would love to win a copy of your incredibly awesome book!
I would love to have a box of vintage glass eyeballs to turn into yard art. Can’t you just imagine a whole family of cow-eyed garden gnomes? If I can’t have the eyes I guess one of your books would be a nice second place. 🙂
My dad has a glass eye, but he didn’t get it until he was in his fifties. He was told to replace it in 20ish years? So that would be 2 in his lifetime… but let’s say you have some weird fishing accident in your 20’s, so that would be four. And if you have one put in at birth, that would be what, 5? Hmmm.
This book sounds like the story of my life. Things that have unfortunately happened to me:
1. Have had multiple people that don’t know each other make comments along the lines of, “If I didn’t know you were so smart, I’d think you were mentally disabled.”
2. Have run over my own leg with an ATV.
3. Have been taken home drunkenly from a neighborhood block party in a wheelbarrow.
4. Have ripped the butt of my pants at the office so that my left butt cheek was showing.
5. Gave myself a concussion getting into my car in my garage.
6. Took ACT test unaware there were panties static clung to the ankle of my pants.
7. Dropped my keys in between the center console of my car and driver’s seat, then proceeded to get my hand stuck for ten minutes trying to reach them.
8. Have locked my baby in my car several times (locksmiths come to you first and usually don’t charge you).
9. Used the shelf bra in my camisole as a pocket to throw my keys in, then forgot where I put my keys and walked around shopping for two hours looking like I had a mutant third nipple.
I would love to add this to my collection of books. I have the Kindle edition and paperback 🙂
Would love an autographed copy of your book…winner, winner, chicken dinner. 🙂
Oh, me! I’m too cheap to buy one and the reserve line at the Library is insane! (…as in, there are 2 people before me).
Can you fucking believe these comments?
I was interviewed by CNN on Monday. I do this shit all of the time. No one pays me. So a free book would be tits.
Would love to win a copy so that I don’t have to steal one from the library. I love all of your pictures of Hunter S Thomcat.
I love my hard copy of your book (and I have recommended it to several people), I would love to win the paperback with the extra chapter!
My daughter refuses to return my copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” We laughed until we peed. I let her take my copy home. That was months ago.
hooray for free!
Only 7. 😉
You know, I think the glass cow eyeballs could come in handy. If you take them and put them in a vase, that would definitely be an eye catcher, conversation maker. Think about it. It would really be something!
I’ve been following this blog for a while now… I don’t even know how I first got here, but I know that when I found it I thought it was ***AWESOME***. So much so I went through every post before the one I landed on and couldn’t rest until I’d read them all and I since feel bad if I miss more than a few in a row. I’m a little sorry I don’t look at twitter (where I follow you) very often because if I stop missing out on twitter I start missing out on life and I had to make a big decision not to venture there so often. I’m not even ashamed to admit a slight obsessive-compulsive personality that makes me check on a strange stranger I know a-bit-too-much about (about as much as a bad stalker might know, I figure) because this is the blog where that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you, Jenny. I would be thrilled to have an autographed copy of your book.
Pinkie toe, Gertrude and Unna, one set of eyeballs per five years. Unless we are talking the cow eyeballs – in which case endless eyeballs.
I read your blog everynight before I go to sleep. Most nights I fall asleep smiling but some nights I have horrible nightmares about cow eyeballs, french kissing unicorns or whatever curiosity your mind comes up with. Thanks for the smiles. Not the eyeball nightmares.
Are those vintage glass eyeballs for cows, or glass eyeballs for vintage cows? ~Enquiring minds want to know.~
Over 2000 comments… will you even make it this far down the list Jenny? Or will you start from the bottom? The middle?
I name vehicles. My car is named Patience. Patience has ants in her pants and likes to go super fast- no lie.
While I was looking at Patience at the car lot I asked the salesman how many bodies would fit in the trunk. He stopped talking for the first time since he’d walked up to me. After that he was doing a lotta blinking. I popped the trunk and whistled.
It was time for a test drive- because I could see that 6 bodies would fit nicely in there.
When I took her for the test drive on the freeway the salesman was holding onto the sides of his seat. Cars that can make men drool or be quiet while I drive are my favorite kind of cars. My mechanic still drools when I take her in for a check up.
And… Patience helped save my husband’s life, but I’ll stop here. She’s a cool beauty.
I would love to have an autographed copy of your book- who wouldn’t?
Honestly, I am just happy you are here 🙂
I want to find out if this is my tribe. Hit me up with a book!
Becky 🙂
Mice dipped in cheese do NOT taste like chicken. Random? Certainly!
Depression & anxiety is a bitch. Also? Chronic constipation. I suffer every day. Sorry for the TMI.
I had a Jenny Moment today, check it out:
Oh dear. Apparently I have upset someone enough that they felt the need to graffiti the following message for all to see: ” Mrs. Cavanaugh is a asshole. P.S. Fuck you.” This tells me two things: 1. I need to review proper titles as I am a “Ms.” not a “Mrs.” And 2. I need to review articles. It should be “an asshole.” GEEZ! Also, what you can’t see is I am also called a “birch.” So 3. Work on spelling.
Love,
Mrs. A. Birch
Again, I am number 2064. But, happy to be in the tribe. Actually, you can use glass cow eyes to make large santa dolls. But, I have to wonder, how many cows need glass eyeballs. I think someone should look into why cows are losing their eyes.
That said, I would LOVE a copy of your book
Favorite Toe: Left Big toe, because it can bend at a 90 degree angle and it is the least a**hole of all my toes
Pet Names for Body Parts: Left Big Toe – “Least A**hole of All My Toes”. aka LAOAMT
Glass eyeballs I think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 5
# of Bodies I can fit under my bed: Average sized males aprx 10
Totally up to me: Sometimes people think I am you and that makes me happy.
I know a woman with a glass eyeball! She likes to leave it sitting in odd places around the house to freak her family out. If you are invited for lunch, inspect your salad and mashed potatoes!
My boyfriend and I call my boobs ‘muffins’, is that a good pet name for them?
I laughed out loud so much reading this book, now my 11 year old son wants to read it. Would that be inappropriate? 😉
So far I have only used 3 glass eyeballs, but I am only in my mid 40s so there is plenty of time for more.
Can you juggle glass cow eyeballs? That would be awesome!
Pick me pick me! I’m re-reading your book from start to finish. It’s only the second time, but I’ve lent it out to about 3 people and have just got it back. Number of bodies under the bed? Human bodies would probably be 3. Perhaps a little more or less depending on the size and weight. Normal glass eyeballs. 1 for sure, but probably 2. Let’s be honest, if I’m getting 1 glass eyeball, I’m also getting a spare one for when I break the first one by throwing it in the air or from pretending to be Mad-Eye. It should be everyone’s goal to have at least 1 glass eyeball though.
Are you sure you don’t have any glass eyeballs to give away? Because that would be wicked cool!
My cat Ruby hides every time she sees weeping angels and my other cat Teddy perks up and looks for the Tardis when he hears my ringtone.
We have 2 pet alpacas, their names are Mr. Feeny and Erik. =)
I have a king sized bed so I’m guessing I could fit about 8 bodies under it… although the smell would be awful, and I like a neat bedroom so all the feet hanging out from under the bed would bother me. Also, I’m guessing you could find a use for a whole box of glass cow eyeballs. Vase filler maybe?
my favorite toes are the webbed ones i have on both feet although it makes the wearing of toe rings a bitch.
I need to win to cap off a fabulous week wherein my unemployed husband finally landed work! Plus, I love you, and I really think you love me, too, so that’s why I should win. 🙂
I think maybe Paige (comment 2070) should get a book. If I win one, please pass it along to her. My mom was a teacher for 30 years and I can tell you there is no way I’d have made it a tenth that time without a felony conviction.
Please oh please give a book and some eyeballs to:
kayte May 1, 2013 at 1:38 pm comment 710
I blew iced tea out my nose when I read that comment.
This book made me cry (for real) and then laugh aloud (both shockingly anti-British) on consecutive NYC subway rides. It is now the Bible of my law office, to be shared when someone needs to do either one of those things or implode. Autographed copy or not, I am so glad that it exists. Co
Hmm…favorite toe…I’m going to go with the third toe on my left foot.
I thought I cut off my toe today. I dropped a knife onto my foot and cut my toe. I seriously thought I lost the toe there was so much blood.
Thank you, Jenny.
Most people would probably only use two glass cow eyes in their lifetime, a normal pair, just to freak people out with. But, since I’m not most people, I have to admit that I have used many more times that.
Actually, in the last 4 years, I have used a minimum of 102 eyes, many of them glass. I don’t keep count, and they aren’t cow eyes, they are made to look like human eyes. I currently have exactly 32 more glass eyes in a drawer right here in my desk. I put them in my babies’ heads (don’t worry, they are dolls, though they do freak people out when I bake the baby because they look real).
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I hope I win. If it’s not random and you’re awarding copies to those who have witty comments, then I may as well just go ahead and get “Loser” tattooed on my forehead.
I have a cat named Henree. He’s black and white splotches. I want to get him a bow tie (because they’re cool off course) but I don’t know what color. I like then from Oskar and Klaus website, but what goes with black and white?
I also have a tortie named Fox. But she’d eat me in my sleep if I put a note tire on her.
Ps- I’m not a crazy cat lady.
Pps- my husband says two is enough. If I didn’t have a husband I’d be a cat lady.
My cat is, finally, part of my Dulles-Frankfurt reservation, yay! It only took 5 separate calls to the airlines and two visits to the travel agent, huzzah! Because I know you’re wondering, no, my cat does not have a glass eyeball.
I wish I could win a signed book. Actually I wish I could have made it to one of your book signing so I could meet you and get a signed book. If you ever make it to DC I will drop everything to be there!
Fun fact: I am legally blind in one eye. I could actually legitimately use a monocle. But I don’t because getting a prescription one is stupid expensive and I don’t have that kind of money. I wish I did, because then I could out-steampunk all the steampunk people, because how many of them have a prescription monocle? I’m willing to bet my not blind eye that there aren’t many. Instead, I wear regular glasses, except the lens over my good eye is literally just a piece of glass. I should probably name my off eye, but I don’t even know where to begin with potential names. Second Eye Blind? Real-Life Left Eye? So many options!!
What?!? This isn’t a giveaway for a giant box of vintage glass cow eyeballs?
Bummer.
I love things. I want to win all the things.
I don’t know how many glass eyeballs the average person should have on hand. However, I have long been collecting a Big Bowl of Neat Stuff to plop into the lap of anyone requiring diversion: Netsuke and interesting seashells and other small objects that need to be picked up and examined. There should be at *least* three or four glass eyeballs representing different species in there.
(And I already bought the U.S. hardback edition of your book but would like to read the extra paperback chapter.)
I can’t bear to watch anymore violent TV shows unless it’s Dexter or about vampires. That’s my current Truth.
Could you sign the copy of your book I already own? Or I guess I could give that one to some lucky person and keep the shiny new one…
Your blog & book has made me laugh more than I ever have, and I love you for it!! I really hope you come to the DC metro area so I can meet you in real life :’) You are so amazing for doing this for people…hope you write another book soon!! HUGS & Lots of LOVE!!
My favorite toe is the little one. I call it Jo Jo because it is redundant and unnecessary.
I could probably fit one less body part under my bed than I needed to
Considering the shittastic day I’ve had, winning a good book would be even better than french kissing a unicorn.
Want. book. now.
My favorite toe is my second because it is longer than the first. Determined to be the best that toe. I have no nicknames for my body parts, so the hubby and I should get on that. I would say 17 glass eyeballs per lifetime, unless you like to gift them then 717. And rough estimate on bodies I go with 17 again because because.
New to the tribe. I love reading your blog, and would love a book! Ps, I keep a jar full of glass cow eyes next to my jar containing The Doctor’s hand…
I love reading your blog. You make me laugh alot. I love the twitter you posted today too. 😉 By the way I have glass eyeballs for everyday of the week and special ones for holidays. 😀 LOL!!
I’m worried that I don’t have a favorite toe. Are they feeling unappreciated? i
Your book, lent away, twice or thrice returned, found a new home with someone now; I cannot remember who… Alas, I just offered to lend it away again, but the cupboard was bare. Loved it, quote it, ruminate on Jenkins the turkey, poor dear. He was only misunderstood, aren’t we all?
There was teacher in my middle schoolwho tricked her students into thinking she had a glass eye..
In other news it was my birthday yesterday 🙂
I love your site!! I have all my coworkers hooked on your site. All of us read yout book we all loved it!
When I bought my freezer 29 years ago, the salesman told me it would fit 3 bodies. I’m still trying to fill it….with groceries. Definitely not bodies. Unless ground meat and steaks count…
I love watching trash television and eating ice cream. Truth.
This is my tribe. You’ve made me see that I’m worth something. My Mom has even commented about how much she thanks you for the changes in me.
But I don’t need another copy. I have three. Hardcover (signed in Chicago, then I came the second day in my red dress just to show that I could), Paperback (Napertucky – that place is weird), and the first one I bought, my Nookbook because I couldn’t wait for the paperback.
Give it to someone else if you draw my number, but know that I thank you so much. I’m not sure I’d be here if it weren’t for you. Thank you, Jenny. <3
Okay, I’m going to bring the sad. I bought your book on e-Reader. I’ve moved from my old school to a new teaching job and your book helped me find my feet in my new staff. Then, last week, one of my favorite former students killed herself. Her best friend is struggling to see the light for the darkness. I keep telling her that depression lies. I think she needs to read your book. I’d love to pass this on to her with a red dress. Help me out?
My husband affectionately nicknamed me Deelzebub.
Your dad is my dad’s taxidermist. I’m not kidding. My family lives in San Angelo. That makes us kind of like family, so I hope I can get an autographed copy of your book.
My cats are names Eve, Autumn, Dinah, and Dexter (in order of coming home). I didn’t notice that Autumn and Eve sound like Adam and Eve but I decided I like it. It reminds me of that silly Adam and Steve anti-marriage equality nonsense. Eve just seemed like a simple, sweet name. Autumn came pre-named but I liked it. Dinah was originally Magenta, but she isn’t a Rocky Horror kind of cat. I decided she an Alice in Wonderland kind of cat. Dexter was originally named Noodles. The boy has a big belly, but I like Dexter better!
My husband might disown me if I got another book, and there are already over 2000 comments but … I wanted a chance to share my pet name for my belly button 😉 His name is Pete and he is a space pirate. After my son was born I told my husband that we had to name his belly button Pete Jr. since they used to be connected. And he agreed. We might be a little weird but at least we have each other. (Our poor son and Pete Jr., they never had a chance …)
Somewhere on YouTube, there is a video of a cat dressed like a shark, riding on a Roomba, chasing a duck.
Really.
so when I got my copy of the book, I got one for my sister as well. It may well have been the first time ever that she’s made a point of calling again after actually using/reading a present to say how awesome it was. Love this tribe!
you are awesomely hysterical…I so needed this book…loved it and it made me laugh harder than anything I have ever written…would love to own a copy and read it in a british accent!
So, I’ve been really stressed recently and I don’t think my body can take being put on ANOTHER brain chemistry altering drug, so getting a free copy of your book would probably be just as effective at this point. So, I would like to calmly request one of these books with an extra chapter-that-wasn’t-in-the-kindle-version-I-ordered-when-it-came-out-and-I-wish-I-knew-what-was-in-that-chapter. PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASE?!?!?!?
I was raised by velociraptors and survived. This was quite a feat since they tend to eat their young. If I should happen to win, should you please autograph the book on page 88? Some people think I have had a lifetime of good luck surviving the velociraptors and don’t deserve to win a book, too. Surviving was a great thing but my self esteem has suffered tremendously. I find the blue color quite soothing. I do know how to read (no one is writing this for me.) If I win I will take a Greyhound Bus ride somewhere and read your book aloud to the captive audience.
How many bodies can I fit under my bed? Depends on whether they are pureed or frapped.
My least favorite toe is my pinky toe on my right foot because it is twisted!
I had a dream that I left a comment on your blog and called you the wrong name. For some reason this was not only embarrassing, but also caused me to be in some kind of danger. The weird part? I called you Tara. That’s my name.
I can’t fit any bodies under my bed due to the massive amount of cat toys my tabby Mayhem has stashed there. If I could safety remove the catnip balls, feathers and crunchy tube without losing my face, I would be happy to loan you the space under my bed for a body.
Does the book come with one of the cow eyeballs?
aside from the fact that i LOVE this book and would love a copy of it, can i get a glass eyeball too (or do we not get one of those)… if not, damn, that sucks… i mean, i still want the book – yay – but, awww about the glass eyeball…
I’m in!
Thanks for writing! Reading your blog is one of the best parts of my day! You also unknowingly helped me through some rough times. OH! And I see Beyonces everywhere! I’ve been meaning to send you a picture of a Beyonce I saw in Door County, WI.
Congrats on the UK copy of your book!
I would love to tell you about how fantastic it would be to win a copy of your spiffy looking UK edition of your book ( it’d go right next to my US copy), but I’m a bit busy trying to convert my cupboard under the stairs into an adequate room to house David Tennant and Matthew Grey Gubler once I figure out the best way to go about kidnapping the two. So far, I’m thinking I might just invite the two over for tea and a Golden Girls marathon. Maybe stage a zombie apocalypse to make them stay? Start an actual zombie apocalypse? I think it might work. What do you think?… Maybe I should go back to the drawing board?
P.S. I’d love a copy of your book!
If you ever walk into a bar and there’s human ears nailed to the wall, don’t pass out there.
My brother-in-law is an optometrist… he collects glass eyes. True story.
Awesome! Would love a copy…. especially a posh, British copy. What makes it different, do you think? In other news, I was just contemplating writing “STOP COMPLAINING” on the back of my hand as a reminder.
I want! No body part names, though reading everyone elses is fun
Glass eye balls make me think of David Sedaris and his brilliant essay about looking for a taxidermy owl for his partner…..and the bowl of glass eyes on the counter at the shop he visited. If you haven’t read it, it’s seriously funny! http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/10/22/121022fa_fact_sedaris
Well if they were truly glass eyeballs, being that I like to play with sharp objects in my spare time, I would be creating artwork with them. Kaleidoscopes with an eyeball on the end (dependent clarity) surely wouldn’t freak anyone out too much right?? Or a large metal sea creature with numerous eyes protruding from the yard, could be managed one would think. All one would truly need would be a little creative ability, blow torch, soldering iron, lead and a little glass. Through the neighbors are kind of noisy I think they would kind of get the hint pretty quickly that there is less coming out then there is going in. It also helps that the “fam” is from Wisconsin and has been building a great back story about family associations to for years. Just saying
I should totally win because I just found out I’m PREGNANT with Baby #2!!! I’ll need some kickass reading material for my fat butt in the near future. Or just a book to beat Child #1 with in order to keep my sanity. Totally kidding about the beating part….unless of course you think it will help. 😉
Today our pet Luigi, the plecostamus(“Woah-pot-a-must” as the 4 year old called him), died!!!! I had to explain that fish do not normally live as long as their owners. After suggesting we get a replacement, the 6 yr old misheard “We were putting the fish in the basement!”…and that started a panic before leaving for school, that included tears. More tears then were shed for the dead fish!!
Honey, you are a worldwide phenom. My friend who lives in Australia turned me onto your blog, which is sad because I live in Texas and come from Houston! Congrats, sweetie on all your blessings.
I decided today that my boss is an evil version of Elmo. If Elmo had a not-evil version. I would love a copy of your British book.
A copy of your book would make my day!
I have been a tribe “member” since your original “Beyonce the Chicken” post… And you have thankfully kept, me entertained ever since… I can always count on your posts to randomly make me laugh out loud. Now for not as interesting news…
Not sure if my long toe is my fave or my short toe!
I don’t name my body parts except for “Sparky”… He is my pacemaker that I have had for 10 years and since he is implanted in my body, he is a part of me… so I named him… Ya know… Like a cat, a dog or a car. I figured that Sparky was a very fitting name…
No glass eyeballs here…
If you are ever in the Hampton Roads area… Chesapeake/ VA Beach… I’d love to have ya over and we can scope out a good place for a Beyonce of my own… We have over 3 acres, so a Beyonce is NEEDED!
How many glass eyes would one need to own to bring to the average glass eyeballs per person up to one?
Bok Choy flamingo water scooter elephant
You did say “anything,” right?
The space under my bed is fairly large…I could probably fit a lot of dead bodies under there. But I don’t think I could sleep with the smell!
I can’t wait to read it your book (but I have to get through the semester first…)
This would be an awesome birthday present for me! (which btw is on Saturday)
That unicorn-woman make-out session on Twitter was just strange.
I need the new cover, I already have the other on my hardback version. And yeah, I know it’s a bit OCD, but seriously, can I specifically order the paperback with this cover? It will make me so happy that I might be able to go for literally days without wanting to kill anyone!
My right areola is growing eyelashes. That’s normal, right? I’m hoping that’s in the new chapter.
I like turtles.
I would love a copy! I’m from Texas, too, so does that give me bonus points? I’m from near San Angelo, if that helps at all. 😉
My cat’s name is Tiny Cat and she’s my cross-eyed little derposaurus.
I adore this book. I adore your blog. I also adore owls that wear top hats and monocles (random bit there)!
One of my co-workers was out with her boyfriend this Sunday when they discovered a fox den. One of the baby foxes had been hit by a car and had died. After watching for awhile, the boyfriend picked up the dead baby fox and put it on the roof of the car so he could get it stuffed. (sidenote: This will take 10 months [waiting list?] and cost ~$450!) My co-worker is horrified that this stuffed fox will now be residing in her house for the rest of her life. I introduced her to your blog and now she plans on dressing up the fox to make it less (?) creepy. Everyone is a winner! (The last statement will really be true if I’m randomly chosen to win an autographed book!)
In 6th grade, I had a friend spending the night. Well, my mom was a teacher, so we stayed late with her that afternoon. For a fun start-the-sleep-over activity, we went to the science teacher across the hall and she let us dissect a REAL cow eyeball. It was cool in the way that 6th grade kids think dead cow eyeballs are cool. We took the lens home and put it in a little cup of jelly, you know, to keep it moist.
I’d love a copy of the book, but the eyeballs would be way cooler!
So, we just moved to Texas from Wisconsin, we’ve noticed our dog’s poop keeps disappearing. We’re trying to be responsible and pick it up, but there’s none to be found. My husband says it must be dung beetles, but I suspect one of our neighbors is climbing over the fence at night and stealing it. Or maybe the weather change shifted something in his system and it really is disappearing poo.
If you really do ever get a box of glass cow eyeballs you should autograph them for a giveaway. Or give them out as a special limited edition surprise with your next book…like Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket, but with eyeballs instead of chocolate
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I would adore a copy of your book!
PIck me! Please?
Yay! UK version!
When I was in the 1st grade, a boy in my class had a glass eye. Nobody really knew what was up with it; he just had one eye that looked funny. UNTIL one day when it just popped out. Yeah, I know, right? So he opens the empty socket – I can still see it vividly 40 years removed from it. The glass eye was just rolling on his desk, and I guess the teacher must have told him to put it back in (wth?), so he puts it in HIS MOUTH to clean it off (?) and then popped it back in the socket. I was freaked out about that kid forever after.
Comment on anything? Ok, here goes.
So the Washington Post Newspaper just ran this really interesting article on Jamestown, the second settlement in the New World. (The Roanoke or Lost Colony being first, Plymouth 3rd) (<<<freebie American History reminder).
So, there were some remains recently discovered in the Fort in an archeological dig. Human remains. Of a 14 year old girl. And they show some interesting signs of, ummm, cannibalism. Yes, you read that right. Cannibalism. Forensic anthropologists at the Smithsonian did some really interesting research and have some compelling scientific evidence to show it. CSI has nothing on real life. and death. And they also have her picture. Because there was enough of her skull left over that with computer imaging and some really good guesswork based on historical data, they made a replica of what she would have looked like. Before the Time of Starving when 80% of the colonist died.
read the article and see the photo here-
http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/skeleton-of-teenage-girl-confirms-cannibalism-at-jamestown-colony/2013/05/01/5af5b474-b1dc-11e2-9a98-4be1688d7d84_story.html
and then read the comments. there are over 2k right now. that's the kind of number usually seen on some kind of political article. the comments are both candid and outrageous, funny and juvenile, and i can't stop reading them. Poor taste (YES, i went there), morbid, and mesmerizing.
At least two
I currently have something of a “trick toe”. I seem to have given myself a case of turf toe back in January while training for a half marathon. Got it nearly well after several weeks, and I’ll be darned if I didn’t slip getting into the shower, stub it and sprain it again. Now it randomly makes a really loud popping/cracking noise.
You haven’t lived until you’ve been sitting in a meeting in your lovely, stylish sandals on one of the first warm days of spring, wiggle your big toe and have it unexpectedly emit a crack like a shotgun going off. I almost expected people to dive under the desk.
There was a kid in one of my high school classes who had a glass eye. Only none of us knew that at first. One day we all had to do a short paper on something important to us, and if possible bring the item in, kind of a high-school version of show-and-tell. So my classmate walks up to the front of the room, holding his paper, turns to us… AND PULLS HIS EYEBALL OUT OF THE SOCKET. A second later he says “I wrote about my glass eye…”
I’m pretty sure most of us almost had heart attacks, but it was pretty amazing.
There is a giant fly buzzing about my bedroom and it is deeply annoying. Please give me your book.
want! 🙂
please? :::pout:::
this would help me feel just a little less stabby after a “we have let our bodies get a little out of control. we are chubby motherf***ers with chubby cats” comment yesterday which clearly meant (replace every “we” with “you”) yesterday.
me winning a book + less stabby = everybody wins!
it’d be totes mcgotes sweet to have a “cousin from across the pond” version of the paperback under my roof.
thanks muchly!
I love everything about you! I hope I win! But not in some cosmic way in which I win this and that means I don’t win the lottery, because let’s face it — if i won the lottery I could buy your book, fly to your house and bribe you to sign it for me.
Cow eyeballs? Yes, please.
Just curious but why did the cover change for the UK release? And another question… when you are in a room socializing with others with anxiety disorder, do you feel normal?
(Not really sure about the answer to the first question. On the second, I never feel normal, but it’s nice to be around people who understand. ~ Jenny)
Considering that my one cat has torn her way into (yes, INTO) the boxspring from the underside and goes scratching around in there, I would be less likely to rely on the space under the bed for my dead body storage. Dunno where else I would put them, though.
I’d love to read the book!
So I found a stuffed rooster at our local antique shop a couple of weeks ago. Actually, my husband found it, because he’s much taller than me, so it was nearly at eye level for him. At least, the wicked sharp claws were at eye level for him. He successfully navigated past the claws, nudged me, and said, “Hey look, it’s a stuffed rooster. We should send that to the Bloggess.” So I took a picture of it, and now I just have to get it off my phone and send it to you. The picture, I mean. Not the actual rooster. That shit was $200, and while I love you, I think we need 200 smackaroos more than the rooster needs a home.
Why couldn’t the American books have awesome font like that?!
Free cow eyeball?? Free book?? Either way it sounds like a win-win situation. I’m in college so free anything is ALWAYS a win. Plus I’d just love a copy of your book. Or cow eyeballs. Really both are pretty awesome.
I wrote and award winning comment, then pretended that it never happened, and then, poof, it did never happen. Now, I feel all time travelly and in the mood to coin words.
I hope that was a REALLY big box…
So, I’m not positive that this is a good thing, but I’m slowly introducing my future husband to your blog. I’m trying to convince him that I’m as awesome as you are.
When I was a junior in highschool I had my pubes shaped into a heart and dyed pink. Just thought you might giggle at this.
So my mom started this tradition of getting books autographed for my daughter, which is cute and everything, but also bizarre because not only is a little girl not particularly interested in reading a politicians views on the current economic state, but by the time it might be relevant to her interests it will be chronologically irrelevant unless she becomes a niche historian focusing on the years of her birth. But I wouldn’t give this book to my daughter if I won, because I’m selfish and like having things that are mine. I’ll let her read it when she’s slightly older than four. And maybe when I die it will go into her bizarre collection of autographed books. (A memoir about the Tuskegee airmen? That SCREAMS four-year-old to me, mom. Yes.)
My best friend named her most recent rescue dog ‘Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken’. And I’d love to win a copy of your book. Fact.
I am a teacher, and I thought I would comment on my favorite children’s book of ALL time! Safety Can Be Fun by Munro Leaf. Seriously, check it out…Read-alouds will never be the same……unless I got a copy of your book….hint hint
Usually I read all of the posts; 2350, I think not!
As much as I would love a copy, I think they should go to addresses the British Isles. They have a harder time seeing you in person (I am in SATX, so I’m not trying to skew the odds)
I would love to own a copy of your book. I borrowed it from the library the first time and would love to read it again and be a proud owner of the book:)
Wow! That’s a lot of comments! I’ll throw my hat in the pool too!
I am in assisted living and one of my caregivers named “the girls” Laverne & Shirley. Ok, why not?
It’s funny you mentioned toes. My husband snores every night, so I leave my toenails kind of sharp. When he snores, I scratch him and he violently wakes up thinking he is getting attacked by a cat.
I pretend I’m sleeping….
HI JENNY!!!!!
LOOK AT THIS COMMENT!!!!!
Ok, now that I have your attention….
Love both covers (Hamlet is cute)!
This cover looks so artsy!
It would be great if I could use the extra chapter for my English culminating project… (I borrowed the hard copy from my library) (And we’ve already discussed this before by email).
PEACE OUT!!!!
(again)
I like the book cover!
You mentioned toes. I call my pinky toes “afterthought toes” because they are ridiculously small. They practically hide under the toe next to them. I think they are shy.
17 purples. And for sure, eleventy-nine burtle beetle thoraxes (thoraces?) Dammit, what is the plural form of thorax? And then fur of the peanut butter melted in the pan with two slices of bread and a chocolate drizzle. Did I just have a stroke? Oh no. I just want the book. Comment, comment, comment…..and scene.
My two older daughters spent the better part of two weeks searching for a Beyonce for my birthday, sadly they had no luck. Even sadder, they didn’t even think to buy me your book which I ASKED for!! Sigh!!!!
I broke my middle toe nearly two months ago and the freaking thing still hurts! It didn’t get broken because I was attacked by a giant metal chicken or a fake cow eyeball or anything interesting. I’m just clumsy and smacked it on a wrought iron post as I was going down the stairs and trying not to trip over my meowing overweight cat who wanted me to feed him. Sometimes I think we should replace that wrought iron stair railing with one made from foam rubber which would probably be stupid but at least it wouldn’t hurt when I bang my knees or my toes on it.
If I moved the guitars I could probably fit 3 bodies under my bed.
No glass eyeballs but when I was a little girl my best friend & her older sister peeled two grapes & when I came over my BFF told me her sister was dead & showed me the grapes & convinced me they were her eyeballs!!!!! I was such a dramatic, gullible child!!!!
I don’t have anything funny to say but I would love to win your book! I am kind of sad it won’t have the dead mouse on the front though… 🙂
I think this tribe needs a name…
Love this blog. Love the book. Love the support this crew gives each other. Love the snark.
Please tell me exactly WHY the UK cover is so much more awesome than the Cmerican/Canadian version?
Also my favourite toe is my middle toe. It(they… forgot i had two.. duh two feet) never ever gives me problems, ever. My pinky toe and my second toe(the one beside the big toe) are my least favourite toes. Just in case you were wondering….
Maybe you should make another country version of the cover and put a glass eyeball on the cover.
Also you should pimp out all your credit cards so theyre all sparkly then whenever you buy a dead animal carcass off of ebay it will be a magical rainbow of excitement… well more so than before.
Also you should get another dog.
Well, I own the hardcover, but it’s in storage because I decided to move from Houston back to Seattle where I hope to find work (couldn’t in Houston, after 4 years). So I can’t share the book with my friends, who obviously need to be convinced. I want the extra chapter(s), too; I’m feeling bereft without them. So if I win a copy of the book, I can read the extra stuff, then share the book around with my Seattle friends! (And then get it back because, hey, it will have your autograph!)
Love your blog. Love your book. I would happily join this tribe.
Here’s a joke: What did the elephant say to the naked man? It’s cute, but can you really breathe with that?
I want one! If i get one I’ll totally carry glass eyes in a jar to work as celebration.
Or marbles.
Whatev. I never win this shit anyway, but I keep trying, even though it’s more likely I will be stuck 5 times by lightening, because I always think that I might win and I will never have to work again. No..wait. That’s Powerball. What am I supposed to be winning here again? I forgot after 2300 random posts. Some sort of named body part? Yeah, still. I never win anyway. But if I do I hope it’s a good and valuable body part I can sell so I’ll never have to work again.
Well, you already have a boatload of comments on here, so I don’t think I’ll win anything. But I want to join in the fun! My favorite toe is my fourth toe on my left foot. Because my toenail grows weird on that one.
the other half and i are in the process of buying a house. the other night, we were making a list of things we need to get for the house, and i had written “guard chicken” on my list. you know, because what else to guard my little garden than a 6 foot tall metal chicken. his response? “we’re going to be THOSE neighbors, aren’t we?” yes dear, we are.
I found out tonight that a friend of mine has heard of neither your blog nor your book. We need to rectify this.
I bought your book as an e-book and I would love a real life copy! Especially signed by you!!! 🙂
I just finished reading the book today (first non-text book in a year!) and I just have to say: you are totally not the only one who has had the jesus/zombie talk with her significant other. Also, loved the book as much as I love the blog!
My best birthday gift ever, was a medium metal chicken we call JJ. The giver of the chicken is chronically ill and had a “sick spell” recently so JJ made a trek to the givers’ house to cheer her up with a feather-rousing game of cards.
You’re funny. You’re imaginary friend.
If I win, will you wrap the package in twine?1
Ok, if I win, I am totally giving the book to my brother who now has a flock of chickens. (I am not sure if multiple chickens make a flock, but go with it.) Their names are, Vindaloo, Parmigiana, Fried, Marsala. Before this flock, he had two named Daisy and Duke….
I’d really love an autographed copy! So if I win I will tell you all about the time I went out for a part for the dishwater and came home with a Guinea Pig. Or the time I went out for maternity clothes and came home with a dog. I have a problem…
I wish I was witty and had something interesting to say, but nope. I just really REALLY want a copy of your book!
So many comments it crashed my browser. I would love a copy though. But I am amazed at the amount of comments already. Harsh competition! I wish I could scroll and read them all but even my phones browser isn’t too happy on the page 🙁
I want one. And I’m cheap…
So this would work out perfectly for me.
Laughing like a lunatic while listening to the audio book on my morning walk. A pleasure beyond measure. Thank you! h
You sound a tad bit dangerous in British accent. It’s kind of hot.
On a serious note though? I am one of those many many people who stumbled upon on your blog in 2012 after reading about your book in Oprah’s book club site. I remember looking for a good book to read, but I’m in India and I couldn’t afford your book just then. So I started reading your blog, because I thought you’d be like “My Family And Other Animals” 😛 But what I discovered was something so ridiculously baffling and awesome that I was hooked. Later, when my boyfriend gifted your book to me on our anniversary(Dec, 2012) it was like getting to know an old friend even better. I could relate to so many things! And I have never had to look for any sites for good books to read. You’ve got such wonderful suggestions of your own…you introduced me to Ray Bradbury and Neil Gaiman. And for that I’m very *very* thankful. The dark side is a brilliant place, and I don’t live in fear of it anymore, thanks to you m/
My car is named Greta (the green Grand Prix), I have 3 cats-Ben, Jerry and Shelby. Shelby had to be Shelby because Ben and Jerry(‘s) never mention another partner and she is a long haired tortie. I don’t have any taxidermied anything but I did see a small version of Beyonce` at the Cleveland home and garden show a couple months ago. That’s all I got. Love your blog Jenny. You make my days brighter. Especially here in Cleveland Oh where winter lasts….well, forever. LOL
I mean, I use around 3 vintage glass cow eyeballs a week, so in an average lifetime that’s about 10,920 vintage glass cow eyeballs. The more you know.
Nathan Fillion may not be willing to do a silly thing like hold a ball of twine (and really, at this point, it would almost be disappointing if he caved, don’t you think?), but he does have all kinds of silliness in him. Check out this bit of awesomeness: http://youtu.be/9R6Ibz31DtE
Not sure if anyone has mentioned this/linked it to you yet, Jenny, but Ke$ha kinda, slightly already made out with a unicorn in her Blow music video. Not sure if it restores your faith. 😀 If anything, the video is amusing.
http://tinyurl.com/cylu4j8
Happens at about the 1:30 mark.
Cheers,
AgentBroccoli
No souffle was ruined in the submitting of this comment.
Your cats are Awesome! I hope they are also in your book. 🙂
Love all my toes really – is that okay?
New to the Tribe, would love to read the book.
My least favourite toe is the one that’s bruised at the moment 🙁
My friend Missy loaned me your book. It’s one of the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. Yes, this tribe . . . *evil shifty eyes* . . . it is goood. . .
My favorite toe belongs to my husband. He has an extra toenail that grows out of the middle of his toe.It is freaking awesome! Also, my oldest son has thumbs he can bend around to the BACKS of his hands and my younger son has not one, but TWO hitchiker thumbs. Too bad 7 is too young for hitching rides. People would definitely stop for that. I know I would!
Please pick me!!! I already have your book and have read it thru 3 times, but I don’t have an autographed book! And if I got the autograph book, then I could give my unautographed book to my friend! So everybody wins! And if you don’t pick me I’m going to hold my breath until my head explodes!
Wow — you are pretty lucky to have both those things!! I really would like a book, but I really would like a cow eyeball — I used to collect cow teeth when I visited my aunt on the dairy farm 40 years ago… found them in the cow graveyard and ripped them right out of the jawbones, then brushed them with an old toothbrush. I wish I still had them.
My favourite toe this week is the big one on the left, currently sporting un-smudged lilac coloured polish with a daisy sticker. Very springy- I’ve been looking at it lots during the last few days of snow and record lows here in Alberta Canada.
No bodies could fit under my bed without cleaning out from under it first. Plus, the dust bunnies likely need to go, too, cause the bodies would be sneezing all night. Then I’d get no sleep. And I get silly when that happens.
Now, I’d love to have the book, but I’m worried that Kimberly B’s head might explode (see above). Maybe I could become Kimberly B’s friend if she wins, so she can give me the book.
I’d love a copy of this version!! I have the hardcover but my daughter has high-jacked it!! I’ll need something to get me through our second move in 14 months!! Gotta love army life!
Love it need it want it please!
I want to win!! SO MUCH! I’ve been a fan since you & Mindy were writing “Good Mom/Bad Mom”! And also I had something witty to say, but because it was witty, now I can’t remember. OF COURSE.
Did you know that there’s a picture of Nathan Fillion giving Wil Wheaton a peck on the cheek? It’s almost like that Kevin Bacon game! Twineception or something! Right here:
http://wilwheaton.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/wpid-IMG_20130428_135510.jpg
For the record, my husband told me about the picture. Because I made him read….everything having to do with that little thing. And when he saw this pic, he thought of you, which is totally sweet on his part. =)
It’s my birthday, and i think that this would make a fantastic birthday present, don’t you? 🙂
I’ve been on the search for some good taxidermy animals in west Texas. Any suggestions?
Today I found a super long white hair growing out of my mom’s neck. She had just arrived for a week long visit and now she said I made her feel like a troll. Which is exactly why I didn’t tell her that there was a shorter, black hair growing out of the other side of her neck. One hair at a time, people.
A normal person probably doesn’t use *any* glass eyes in their lifetime. An awesome person, however, uses as many as they possibly can.
I’m moving to Austin soon…you give me hope that there’s a tribe of people there for me to join. You know, the smart, sarcastic tribe who avoids running like the plague.
Today I said to myself.. “Self.. is 9:30 in the morning too early for corn dogs?”
Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.
I’d love a copy! And I think I could comfortably squeeze 5 or 6 dead bodies under my bed, as long as I got them into spooning positions before rigour mortis set in
Your favorite toe. The pet names of your body parts. How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime. The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.
My answer is 4. My favorite toe is my fourth. I call one of my body parts “four”. Glass eyeballs: four. And yep, bodies that can fit under the bed… 4 (as long as they aren’t too terribly tall).
So there ya go!
It makes me look at the taxidermy animals in the army surplus store in a whole new light.
Very nice cover art! And I’ve had my most productive day at my office today! Feeling really good!
I can’t leave toenail clippers lying around my house because when I see them I imagine someone clipping my teeth with them, and it freaks me out. If I am clipping my toenails it is no big deal, I don’t think about it. I also freak out about “popping” cans of dough……I knew you would understand.
I totally thought the books in your photo moved. But yesterday, I also thought I saw a man walking a rooster on a leash while I was driving home. Turns out he was edging his lawn. I may need a vacation. Or glasses…or maybe glass cow eyeballs!
May I please have a book?
I would love a copy of your book. I don’t know anything about glass eyes, except they are not as round as you would think. And my friend’s brother makes them ( how is that for a job) and if you pick me I can get you his number and maybe you could have a tour.
I have a glass eyeball story! While getting my degree to be a speech therapist, I had a student who had a glass eye. One day he decided to take it out and throw it across the room. After he chucked his eyeball, he stuck his pointer finger in the socket and played with the empty hole. My fellow therapist in training was still working hard trying to get the student to imitate a word while I searched for the eyeball. She had her mouth open, when our one-eyed friend took his finger out of the socket and stuck it in her mouth! She just sat there, in shock, with her tongue hanging out, and saying “uh uhuh,” which probably meant “Holy Shit!” I was laughing at her yelling, “Go wash your tongue!” In hindsight, maybe not the most professional response.
If that isn’t good enough to win a book, let me know, because believe it or not I have another eye ball story!
Kind of weird for a speech therapist huh!
Besides, I too was forced to wear plastic bread bags on my feet for snow boots. I share your pain!
I just spent a half-hour trying to get eggs out from under a chicken who was *growling* at me. She sounded like a mastiff. Also she pecked the shit out of my hand. AND THEN I discovered that she had been stealing all the other chickens’ eggs, so I had been all “What’s wrong with you chickens? Earn your keep, dammit!” and the other chickens were probably thinking “But I was sure I laid an egg over there this morning…” She was sitting on 17 eggs. And I don’t have a rooster.
Any comment will do? Then may I pose the question: does anyone else consider how many bodies will fit in the trunk before buying a new car?
Or is it just me…?
Do we have to read it in a British accent? Because I could totally do that.
It’s my friends birthday next week, and I am searching EVERYWHERE to find a giant chicken to put in her classroom (she’s a teacher) as a surprise. Since I can’t find a chicken (yet) a book would be a pretty awesome 2nd, of course she wouldn’t know it was 2nd, she would just be happy.
While I’m guessing this has already been alluded to somewhere else in this intimidating thread of entries, I’m choosing this time for my first comment on your blog, in large part because I’d prefer a copy that likely uses “grey” instead of “gray.” It’s ever so much more sophisticated, and I demand a certain level of sophistication in my life. That’s why my glass eyeballs are handcrafted by local artisans.
Well, I spent the whole time scrolling through this comment feed trying to A. find inspiration for a witty comment and B. to find the “add comment” button when I realized it was at the top. Two-thousand and twenty four comments later I better get a book for this.
Report of 1 May 2013
Red wine consumed: check
Antidepressant & anxiety medication consumed: check
Chocolate chip cookies consumed: check
TV/Bloggess crossover of the day: check
Watching a PBS special of horses – very fancy Lipizzaner white stallions – the narrator had just compared them to UNICORNS and then I checked the BEST blog ever and what to my wondering eyes should appear but visions of snogging Unicorn art masterpieces!
Thank you
I heart Bloggess!!
P.S. Now the young horses are smelling each others poo… not very dignified.
Lucky 2424! And have I mentioned that I lvoe you? Does that help?
You rock my socks. I agree. Raw meat totally smells like blood. AND there is TOTALLY something wrong with that. I mean, walking into a deer carcass is traumatic… right?
So, I’m going to comment because I just bought my copy from Amazon (and am on page 315) but want a copy to give away to my best friend who totally needs to know about you. And I want to keep my copy. Or maybe keep the autographed copy and give her my copy. Whichever.
My comment is actually that my parents were good friends with a couple who bought a house that must have once belonged to a time lord because the basement was larger inside than on the outside. The ground floor was normal, but the basement — well, you went back as far as it should have reached and then you went back that far again; it was twice as big on the inside as on the outside. We all experienced this.
I wonder why a time lord would move out and leave his T.A.R.D.I.S. behind? Perhaps he was coming back for it later? Or it was one of those odd time paradox things? Dunno……
I’m not quite sure how many bodies I could fit under my bed, there is so much junk under there it’s possible that there are a few bodies under there and I’d never know it. If I get a book I promise to at least read it before it ends up with the bodies under the bed.
I work for a government agency that you recently mentioned in a post about a taxidermied robot mouse. I snorted out loud when I read that post on my bus ride into work. Think I may have scared the fella sitting next to me. I got to work and printed (with a tiny bit of expletive censorship) and posted it for my fellow cube dwellers to enjoy. Thank you for truly laugh out loud moments.
I would LOVE LOVE LOVE an autographed copy!!!
In other news, have you ever noticed that the UK versions of books have more colorful cover art than their American counterparts? I wonder why that is, and whether Capt. Jack has anything to do with it??
Holy Sh*t!! That was A LOT of friggin scrolling…but TOTALLY worth it…especially if I win a book 🙂
You know… friends will help you move but real friends will help you move bodies. I read your book, loved it, that quote might come in handy.
I read a blog that goes along with the best Canadian indie music radio station: CBC Radio 3
People comment on the blog as the show airs… Today people got commenting about books… And YOU were mentioned! In a good way. But with no unicorns.
http://music.cbc.ca/blogs/blogpost.aspx?modPageName=&year=2013&month=5&title=ASK-GRANT-host-Grant-Lawrence-answers-your-burning-questions&permalink=/blogs/2013/5/ASK-GRANT-host-Grant-Lawrence-answers-your-burning-questions
I had lunch with you once. At a BlogHer. At a Ragu-hosted event.
Oh, and I hung out in a hotel room with you and some other folks – a time which we later referred to as “BlowHer.” Except no one was blown (while I was in the room anyway).
Just some fun memories I have of you, and I want to win a book.
I would tell you what my fave toe is but I am currently working on a peace deal between the Big Toe (The Fumb, if you will) and the Second Toe. The Second Toe is trying to take over, she’s already taller. It’s a little tense down there right now. Hopefully a pedicure will ease the tensions. Btw – I adore your book and have never laughed out loud so much when reading the way I did when reading it (after I stole i back from my husband who started reading my copy before I had a chance to)
(And even if I don’t win, I wanted you to know about the house…..)
I went on a work trip to a friend’s hometown and planned to meet her dad for dinner one night. As he pulled up, she told me, “Don’t worry if it looks like he isn’t keeping his eyes on the road, the right one is glass.”
I don’t have a favorite toe but I do find my daughter’s paddle toes to be extremely disturbing. I think she’s part duck but as I certainly did not engage in carnal relations with any fowl she must just be a genetic throwback to my husband’s neanderthal bones. Both of them have scary, scary feet.
One time, I read about, heard about or possibly made up the idea of a coffee table with individual slots filled with glass eyeballs and then the whole thing covered with glass. You’d be having your coffee, mimosa, jam and crumpets with glass eyes looking up at you…AWESOME SAUCE! And I want!
Oh, and I really want a book too. K.thx.bye.
I would bloody love a copy and a glass eye please…I only have one.
Carry on.
Read with British accent.
If I don’t win…I’d settle for a glass cow eyeball….
I don’t know if it’s my FAVORITE toe, but I have one that gets this really weird callous-like cuticle and when I natter over my feet I can dig a huge chunk of cuticle-ness right off my toe. It’s weird. And kinda gross. But kinda rewarding? Wait, forget I said that part. That’ll just be our little secret, okay?
A FOAF (friend of a friend) apparently used to refer to her vagina as Mary Margaret; I don’t remember the cutesy name her boyfriend had for his penis, but there were many jokes told about “going double-dating with Mary Margaret and _______”. I’m afraid I don’t have any clever names for mine, or any other body parts, for that matter, and I don’t have a favorite toe, either, as all of mine are shaped rather strangely. I’d have to move the boxes of old music magazines out from beneath my bed in order to fit any bodies in there (you might be able to get two, maybe three if they’re small people and squish together without too much trouble), and the number of glass cow eyeballs one needs depends on how often one uses them as balls on one’s pool table.
(Oh, and if I win a copy of the book, I promise I’ll make you a batch of my A-list/Oscar-nominated-Actor-Approved Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Truffles dipped in dark Belgian chocolate (Trader Joe’s Pound Plus bars) the next time you’re in Boston; I’d mail them to you, but they need to be refrigerated most of the time, and I wouldn’t want you to get sick from eating spoiled truffles. You won’t get salmonella, mind you, because the truffles contain sweetened condensed milk in lieu of eggs. And no, I’m not telling you who the actor is until I actually have that autographed free book in my hot little hands…you’ll just have to wonder in the meantime.)
I’d like a book and a glass eyeball please.
My friends and I are so grateful we found you! We all thought we were the only ones. Glad to find a sister…”maybe just a case of misery loves company.”
Love this book (and you). The only thing better than this book, would be a second copy that is autographed, duh.
Today I found out what “haggis” is. No need to try it.
Not sure about bodies under my bed, but I do have a coyote skull that could use some glass eyeballs to make him look a bit more chipper.
I could fit two small cats in the glove compartment of my car. Probably. I haven’t tested this yet. Be right back…
I didn’t realize they made glass eyes for cows. Never really pictured Jerseys running with scissors. (That is the only way I know of to put an eye out.)
I’ve bought three copies of the book and currently have none (gave two as gifts, loaned one out eternally, it seems). I very much want another copy, ESPECIALLY with the new chapter. Pick ME! PICK ME! PLEASE! 🙂
Truly Scrumptious…the name of my pet…oh no, not the pet name for a body part, just the name of my pet. She and I would love to sit on the couch together and read and laugh at your book together!
Zero bodies under our bed; that’s where we keep our swords – you know, the instrument we use to get the bodies that we keep in the closet.
Toes are disgusting. I don’t have a favorite.
I need your book. My mother in law is flying over from the uk, and she will be living in our guest bedroom for 2 whole weeks. While our house is on the market & we’re negotiating with buyers and packing and trying not to poison her tea, because she realllllly thinks she is the queen of England and we should treat her as such. Hates all thing American, including me.
I mean, the woman gave me a book about vinegar for my 35th birthday. You can’t make this stuff up.
I want this just for that extra chapter.
I broke my glasses yesterday, so now I’m wearing my spare pair. The prescription is too strong, so everything seems way too close. The ground feels about 3 feet away and every time I took the stairs today I had to go very carefully because I couldn’t tell where things were. I had to kneel down on the sidewalk to tie my shoe and nearly fell over because I was very confused about where my body was in space. I think the guy sitting at the bus stop thought I was wasted out of my mind.
Once a teacher colleague sent an email out to the whole school asking if anyone had seen a suction cup in a plastic bag…turns out it was what he used to take out his glass eyeball, an action he apparently does at school. It was hard to look him in the eye (the real one, not the glass one) after that.
!i’m still buying the kindle version, but i’d be honored to get a autographed copy! so please send me one <3
I have been dreaming of taking an early retirement soon!! And what would be better than curling up in the afternoon with a tea and your book!!
I love lamp
Don’t need a copy of the book, just bought one last week! But thought I would comment to say you make me happy. xx
Second toe on the right foot. The rest are bastards. True story.
I just finished the hardcover. Does this version have the extra chapter?
I’ve been typing so much today that I can no longer feel the littlest finger on my right hand. I need to stop typing and read (this version of your book). Then I can pass the other version that I originally purchased and read on to my sister and VIOLA! you will have a new fan. We’re from an area of Iowa that is VERY close to Missouri (i.e. we know all about taxidermy. My parents had a ‘jackalope’ hanging above the brown rotary phone in their home. The same phone that my sister kicked dog poo onto, unbeknownst to me, and I almost accidentally touched said poo to my mouth.) Anyhoo, I need to feel like a winner today. My ass is also numb. I’m a little worried about my neck, too. I would also take 5 glass cow eyeballs as a consolation prize.
A glass cow eyeball is pretty damn cool, but it certainly doesn’t hold a candle to your book.
Woohoo for the tribe! And books!
Wow! Good luck with the choosing. Would love a copy!!
Related: pre-dinner excitement at our house = neighbour’s shed burned down.
K, maybe not related.
You could fit 2 bodies under my bed. 4 if they were cut into small pieces and rearranged like a jigsaw puzzle. Is that allowed in this challenge?
I would love a copy! Also, my cats Gnome and Kobold are running around the house like madmen.
I narrate my life as I’m going through it. Like, full-blown sentences, as if I’m recording the voiceover for a reality TV show.
That’s not creepy at all.
Just thought you should know.
Well, since I gave up when the woman fainted at the Dallas signing, I would love to win a copy. Can you put a bunch of cuss words in it, so I can give it to my Mom?
I am going to read this somehow, some way. But it would happen sooner if you sent it to me. I promise to name it something awesome.
23. It’s my magic number to get me through everything.
You could just as easily do the Ricky Gervais style of giving something away. His “trivia” question on his old radio show was always “Do you want it?” The answer is, of course, yes, please.
OMG!!! I’m eight hundred and eighteen… <3 love you and your blog
SIGNED British copy!?!? Dear Lord! Yes please!!
Think of how much fun marbles would be if you used glass cow eyeballs!
Jenny, Free stuff is always great, but after you send off those books what do you get besides that grand feeling of accomplishment? That’s right. Nothing. Therefore, I am suggesting an exchange: Your book, Euro version, in return for a picture of my Unicorn Jeep +/- pictures of my dogs photobombing and being general pains in my ass.
You in?
I think my dogs have jinxed me. I’ve tried three times to post something about their farts setting off fire alarms, but each time I try to post, I get sent back to the main page. Maybe I have demon dogs
I told my cousin about your blog last year but she had never heard of you. Now, if I win this book and show it to my cousin, she will have heard of you because I told her about you last year.
I want to win your book! I love you and your website and all kinds of things that you say, and the giant rooster still cracks me up every time I go to a farmers market and someone is selling country home decor.
But I am a full-time mom, who also works from home, AND I married a homebody. So I am getting really sick of Netflix and could use an amazing, funny book to read.
So, my favorite toe is the crooked one that my husband dropped a giant boot-shaped beer stein on to on our third date. It’s a monster. A beautiful, crooked little monster.
If I had a bunch of glass eyeballs I would make a new cement path through my yard and stick the eyeballs in the wet cement. Yeah, that would be rad. But a book would be rad too 🙂
I blew it today and accidentally let my two year old take a four hour nap. Now she is bouncing off the walls and will probably be up all night. I could use some good news.
Want one so incredibly bad I’m will to put out in cyberland that my fiance’s pillow’s name is Magic, 67 mustang’s name is Lightning 🙂
I came across this page the other night and though of you and Unicorns.
http://mingle2.com/dating/unicorn
For some reason when I type my name on my iPad it autocorrects to Donizetti. Who or what the he’ll is Donizetti?
P.s. I want a copy of your book with the extra chapter.
I love my big toes. And books. So pick me!!
I’d love a copy of your book. I was introduced to your blog about two months ago. There’s definitely a lot more laughter in my life now. Thank you. I need a t-shirt that says Jenny Lawson: more awesome than Prozac.
I dissected a real cow eyeball in my anatomy class!
I have two cats: DAC & ADAC (dumb ass cat & another dumb ass cat)
There are two dogs and a parrot as well!
I bought your book for my girlfriend as a thank you gift for something she did for me but I really just wanted to read it myself! She reads it while flying and people sitting next to her on the plane want to know what she’s reading cause she is always laughing! I want to experience that!
ME ME ME… I got your book on my kindle. But am so sad the pics are a/ tiny on my kindle screen. a/ they are NOT COLOUR. Why did I not foresee this issue when I got it on kindle instead of real book form… darn it.
Would love a copy of your book. Can’t but it on my kindle or in a book store here is South Africa. Not many people want to ship here either. Not sure why, maybe they think we still don’t have Internet or something. I promise we do… may be a tad on the slow side but hey it works 😛
I really, really, really want a book!
Sign me up for a signed copy, please! I do believe I could fit five or six bodies under my bed, if I cut ’em up tiny.
Meow? Meow meow meow meow. Mao meow mao mao meow. Mah meown maaaaaahhhhho.
A friend loaned me the hard bound version of your book and by page three I knew I had to read it aloud to my husband! Thank you for being you, and thank you for being so damn funny!
i really would love to win your book, since i am not allowed to buy any more books… Trying to fight that hoarding addiction, and also that amount of books i have to move when changing houses. So if i win one it doesnt count. Even though i am sure there are libraries that have your book, my local library is rather scary and sparsely stocked. People there also stare at you when you go in, like you have entered their secret hiding space. I apologize for my randomness.
In Dutch, the words for tribe and for the trunk of a tree are the same. As are the words for bank and couch, spring and feather, pass and step.
There is a stain on my couch and I don’t know from what. But it’s where I always sit, so I can’t honestly blame my husband. I am trying though.
My mother doen’t know how to read her texts. She does complain that her phone makes “funny noises”. And then makes one of her kids check that she hasn’t missed important stuff. Seriously? When you get a text on that phone, the only thing you have to do is press the only action button there is to read it. But she presses the red “hang up” button instead and then complains to us.
My father doen’t know how to use a mobile. Period. He doesn’t even know how to pick it up when we call when they’re in the car.
It’s a miracle I can even type this comment…
I’ve been meaning to get around to reading your book. Honest, I have. I sometimes think about it while holding twine. My cats think I’m completely weird, even for a human. But somehow, I just never get around to actually READING your book.
Maybe if I actually had a copy, actually reading it would work better? Hmm. Something to think about.
Rock on!
Seriously Jenny. I hope you kept the entire rest of your life free if you intend to read all these comments because my hand was totally dying by the end of all the scrolling.
Secondly, you said to read this with a British accent on twitter and my brain went, “Cherri-o. Pip pop and all that.” Except I think it was in an Australian accent. Which I’m sure it quite offensive. Thank goodness the only person who knows about it is me. And now you and your 3 million fans now. Anonynimity is good. 🙂
I read the hardcopy and felt shafted about the paperback having a new chapter. A free copy would fix all accidental shaftings that have occurred. 🙂
Waiting……to please win!
While I, sadly, am too uninteresting to name my body parts, my boyfriend isn’t… And the name of his favorite body part is… the Tang Chisel… *facepalm* I’m pretty sure i don’t even have to say what that body part is…
Anyhow, I would love to win a copy of your book!
I don’t truly name my body parts but my right boob did end up with a name label on it from one of the kids sippy cups the other day. Without knowing it was there I left my classroom and group of teachers in the staff lounge noticed it. They’re still calling my boob Ethaniel and asking me when the other one will get its name.
The best cover so far! My favorite shade of blue. Would be a wonderful addition to my blue section of books. And, your face on the spine would make me giggle smile every day.
Dawn
P.S. You are the only other person I’ve ever heard of that arranges books by color. I’ve always loved how that looks and occasionally buy books I’ll probably never read just for the interesting color or picture on the spine. Books are art.
I think a box full of your book would be very useful. I’m starting to think I am a book hoarder, though.
P.S. I submitted a review of your book at my work (They ask for employee reviews and make up columns on our site) and they picked it, then they added things in that I didn’t write. It’s like they reverse-censored me and I don’t know how to feel about it.
I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!!
I’d like an autographed copy for my mother. She’s a huge fan.
P.S. I have Dr. HST’s “gonzo fist” tattooed on my leg. Pick me, I’ll add HS Thomcat to it.
P.P.S. I have three testicles. They’ve been all over the world.
A free, autographed copy of your book would fantastic!
I read it when it first came out. I still haven’t read the extra chapter. And my husband is British. Pick me, pick me!
My belly button’s name is Lola. True story.
I read books with one eye closed. I think this is a habit formed while sneaking reading time in past bedtime when I was a kid. Then I would stumble to the bathroom in awe as one eye would have night vision (from being closed) and the other blind (from staring at my book). I would definitely read your book this way if I got lucky!
I could only possibly use one glass cow eyeball which I would affix to my left toe and then name him Griselle.
My second toe on my left foot is my favorite, and I have named it Zachariah P. Walrusankles in your honor. Just now. Because it totally makes sense.
Mocking birds sing so many songsm because the female birds think it is sexy. I wish the mocking birds would go be sexy somewhere else instead of in my garage.
Does the UK version have more “U”s than the American version?
Jenny,
I bought your first book and read it in one shot – I couldn’t put it down.
As something who suffers from an anxiety disorder and had a FUBAR
childhood it was so nice to realize I am not alone. You are one brave
woman. I want to thank you for shedding light into the dark places. I
admire your honesty. I don’t want a free copy – I will buy it on my own but I just wanted
to say thanks (long overdue).
I need a paperback copy. Need.
I’d love a copy of your book.
The big toe is clearly my favorite one because of the necessity. My five finger shoes sure would look odd though without the 5.
I loved loved loved your book… I laughed so hard I couldn’t see straight and my husband came looking for me thinking I was crying…. Then I took the book to work and tried to read parts to people but it didn’t work because I was laughing so hard my voice got high and squeaky and no none could understand me… Would love to own a copy and read the new chapter… Can’t wait for another book also…. Hope you write one…
I was sitting in the airport this evening waiting for a flight and I heard an announcement: “Please do not leave your lower genitalia.”
What?????? I fly all of the time (weekly) and never heard that announcement before. It’s good advice, I agree, but I did not realize that it was airport announcement worthy.
After a few minutes of consideration, I realized that the announcement said, “Please do not leave your luggage unattended.”
Um, yeah. That too.
I have loved your blog for years, and would love to win a copy of your book!
Dear Jenny, there are no strange reasons why your book are still on the best seller list. Only awesome ones. Every tale you tell reminds your reader that oh its not just me. Lets face it, who doesn’t need that once in a while.
Thanks for being lovely 🙂
I don’t have a favorite toe, but I do have a favorite finger. The middle one on my right hand. It’s very expressive.
When I bought my car I asked to see the trunk and then commented about how I could fit 5 dead bodies in there…the sales guy agreed without a moments hesitation.
I don’t know if I’m part of your tribe, but would love to find out.
My god, you have close to 2500 comments already…
Purple.
I like you.
I would totally juggle class cow eyes.
I would love to win!!!
Sadly no bodies would fit under my bed as my cat Pippin rules that domain with an iron claw (or claws as the case may be). However he is adorable, round and furry like a hobbit. He even believes he should be fed on a hobbit food schedule.
You have the greatest tribe ever and I am so pleased to be a part of it!!
See, I think you and I would be such good friends in real life, because I read that you got a box of vintage glass cow eyeballs and thought, “Who sent her those, AND WHERE CAN I GET SOME?!?!?”
my goodness yes.
I got the hard-cover for Mother’s Day last year. Best gift yet! I’m due for a second run through, and I think I’ll pass it along to my mom this year. But should I buy her a copy? Or should I give her mine and just win a new one?
I think a whole apothecary jar full of vintage glass cow eyeballs would be so FETCH! And, I would love to win a paperback so I can read the new additions that aren’t in my hard copy. 🙂
my dog ran into the stairs today. Yep you read that right instead of running up them she some how missed and ran into the stairs. oohhh weiner dogs. wwoooooo books!
I would love to win a copy! Downloaded the sample on my kindle… loved it so far! But with a real deal hold in my hand kind of book I can pass it around to my friends.
I could only hide skinny bodies under my bed… maybe 6 or 8… that said I do have a 1986 Chevy in my driveway that I suspect could at least hold a dozen. Or a lot of stuffed wildlife!
Thanks
I think I managed to get a blister on my blister. Which is weird and impressive at the same time. A lot like this blog.
I’d love to own the UK version of your book too. Thanks so much!
As for how many cow eyeballs one needs the answer is, as is expected, 42.
Newchapternewchapternewchapter New chapter Bloggess fix…
When I was reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened,” I laughed so much that I was asked to please stop reading because I was being too distracting and making too much noise. I was in a library. I obviously need my own copy.
Just make mine to, Marietta, my best friend forever. 🙂
Hi Jenny! My HARDCOVER “vintage glass cow eyeballs” had to be left in storage when we relocated from Colorado to California and a new copy of “vintage glass cow eyeballs” to enjoy here in this inferno – aka Palm Desert – would sure improve my mood. How ’bout choosing me to send one of those treasures? Love ya! Lil
i’d love a copy. i’d love to not pay for one. i’m cheap like that.
Hobgoblin!
When I go car shopping I always see how many of my kids will fit in the trunk. Try think it’s hilarious and I love the looks I get when they tell people that I make them get in the trunk of the car.
Seriously, a big box of glass eyeballs would be pretty pricey, because they seem to go for $10 and up per set:
http://www.glasseyesonline.com/ Thank goodness I found this website in case anybody is going to run out of glass eyes anytime soon.
When I did antique shows with my folks, we had a glass eye in an antique eye wash cup that we set in the jewelry case just to be random. I told people it’s what I took from the last person who tried to shoplift. My mom got shitty, so I started telling people they could try it on and see if the potential jewelry they were “eyeing” went with their eye color or a different color. I mean, how often do you have the chance to shop that thoroughly?
My mom stopped putting the glass eyeball in the case. She ruins everything, even when she’s the one to start it.
I bought your book a year ago but I’m just now reading it, because I saved it for a time when I “really needed it”. The details of why I really need it now are kind of depressing, so I’ll spare you. My g/f came over the other night and saw the cover and thought it was another cat-solves-mysteries-novel and made fun of me. I thought all women read novels where cats solved mysteries? Or in Hunter S Thomcat’s case, got drunk and then possibly solved mysteries. Or got lost while drunk and had his own mystery. Either way, I’d probably read it, but it wouldn’t be as good as your book.
I got my hair cut yesterday and the girl who cut it put some kind of product in it that smells like Sex Panther by Odeon. It’s quite pungent. But not in a good way.
Sadly, I have a platform bed made by my lovely husband, and there is room for exactly zero bodies beneath it.
On the plus side, during my single days, I discovered that I could fit approximately 13 bodies of various sizes under the bed I owned then, and due to the giant dinner and plentiful beer, I didn’t have to kill anyone to find out.
Wow, that’s a lot of comments. So I actually don’t want this book for myself (I already have a copy; preorder for the win!), I want it for a friend who lives in rural Texas. The stories she tells me about her life remind me of you (and vice versa), so I wanted to let her read the book and see if it’s a rural Texas thing. I’m totally not giving my my copy, though. It’s mine! Mine, I tell you, mine!
With almost 2500 comments, I figure there is little chance of me getting one of your autographed books, but I guess that’s ok since I have the hardback, the paperback, the e-book, and have given more copies as gifts than I can even remember. When you have a post, it makes my day, whether it is funny or heart wrenching. I admire you for your courage to discuss your “issues”, and appreciate that your openness gives me that little push I need to be ok with my own. You’re the best!
As a single dad (who divorced a one legged lesbian) with two daughters, one of which is disabled, and throw in an ancient female mini dachshund who smells of death but keeps living; I totally get you. For all the times you’ve made me laugh until I either vomited or cried, thank you. Yes, i just thanked you for making me vomit. Were I to receive this book I PROMISE not to use it to prop open a window.
And I saw Beyonce at the local Kroger hawking Rex Goliath wine, knock knock motherfucker.
Don’t stop invading my life.
Damn this is wordy.
xo
I have a king sized bed, so I imagine I could get a few bodies under there.
Does this mean the book will come complete with UK spellings? If so, that would be great because that totally messed me up when I was learning to spell. I didn’t get it wrong teacher; it says colour right here in this book.
Homemade goats milk yogurt. Its really good.
Comment 2498…
Should I hold out to be comment 2450?
I think scrolling to the bottom of all these comments to post a comment about all the comments deserves to be a winner!
Do you even *know* how long it takes to scroll through 2498 comments?
Answer:
I takes a little less than scrolling past 2450 comments.
Oh. My. God.
2500!
It’s been a *really* long day.
I officially GIVE UP!
I never win anything.
All my toes are rather cute and I love them all equally. Except….that…one, she knows which one she is.
I can only fit bunnies bodies under my bed. Dust bunnies that is.
Eyeballs as marbles is genius, whoever said that further up.
And I usually refer to my girls as, you know, “My Girls”. Only once did I actually refer to them as “Betty and Veronica”. That seems like it’d be a thing though.
If I win, I promise to read the book with an English accent! If you have a couple of spare cow eyeballs, I’d like those, too, please. I like to “eyebomb” places with googly eyeballs from the craft store (I have a pair in one of the parking lots at the Mall of America that’s been there for over a year. Granted, I’ve had to replace one of the eyes twice, but still… How awesome if I could find a place to cow eyeball eyebomb something! Anyhow… Pick me! Pick me!
It’s my 44th birthday tomorrow. I’m feeling sad & melancholy about it. I would like to win…
If I was a velociraptor in Jurassic Park, I would have tried to eat everyone too. They got jammed into that teeny enclosure! That thing was nowhere near large enough for three full-grown dinosaurs. All those people deserved to be chomped on.
I sleep armed. It’s a water pistol, but still useful when living with a cat who like to wake me up at 4am
I need a new book, mine is missing! It might have fallen into the crack in time that runs through my basement, or I might have left it on the bus. Regardless, it is off having an amazing adventure without me and it is not fair (stomping foot and crossing arms).
I am going to proof (using mathematical induction) that you can use any number of glass eyeballs. This is just plain mathematics.
First, the base case: you can use one glass eyeball. Someone might be saying to you “You look like a cow.” When normally you would not have a good response to that, now you can take out the eyeball and hold it next to your eyes and demonstrate, that in fact, you do not look like a cow. Except, that you might look like one. Then you will have learned something about yourself. In either case – you win because you own a vintage glass cow eyeball.
Second, the inductive step: assume you have n vintage glass cow eyeballs, that you can use. I will prove that you then could use n+1 vintage glass cow eyeballs. This is easy – assume that one of the eyeballs, that you could use, breaks (they are made of glass, so this is bound to happen). Then you will be happy that you can replace this one needed eyeball with the additional one (number n+1).
Compare the reasoning to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mathematical_induction. It’s just simple science, that you can use any number of glass eyeballs.
I do, in fact, know how to rock a wolf on my noggin. And a koala. I can rock a head-koala too.
I think this IS my tribe!
I want!
i’m just wondering how many vintage cows needed glass eyeballs. or how many present cows need vintage eyeballs. or how many people have collections of vintage glass cow eyeballs. i will be pondering this all day.
Yes please
If I won a copy of your book, I would put it on my shelf next to my signed Madeleine Albright. I think she would approve of your work.
Also, at that signing, she told us her 7 year old grandaughter thought only women could be Secretary of State.
Thank you for helping me look a little more normal to my husband… you are the proof I need that I’m not the only one… I would love a copy of you book.
I can’t fit any bodies under my bed, except those of dust bunnies who were hiding when last I vacuumed. Occasionally I have a cat under there. My 11-year-old cat, Tabitha, who was rehomed to me last year, is only now discovering that she can fit under one corner.
I would love a hard copy of your book with the extra chapter as I bought a Kindle edition as soon as it came out – and laughed myself silly while reading it – which was what I expected from reading your blog.
Whether I win or not, I look forward to your next book(s).
Pick me!
My boyfriend recently and totally unexpectedly gifted me with your book, we’ve been reading and laughing ever since. How perfect would be an extra chapter? 😀
Sidenote: I recently discovered a taxidermied rat with pigeon wings looking like some badass valkyrian pet on ebay. Sadly, not my price range.
There are days when reading your posts are one of the only things that keeps me from a tri-state rampage. Well, that, and Wil Wheaton, but still. I have your book…I LOVE your book, but an autographed copy would rock. Thank you for doing what you do!!!
I’m seriously thinking about this glass eyeball thing. At first I thought it would be a small number, like 3. One for each eye and a spare. Then the more I thought about it, the more uses for glass eyeballs I came up with. Now I think I have to start a blog about all the different things you can do with glass eyeballs. Festive holiday centerpiece? Marble game? Christmas ornaments? Pendant necklace?
Me, Me, Me. Pick ME!
I’ve been wanting to read your book for so long! I’m soon to be doing my university finals, so I’m planning on reading it after I’ve finished as a reward. The thought is one of the few things keeping me going, so thank you for being you!
I am so thankful that my friend got me onto your blog. Many a mundane morning (bonus points for alliteration right?) has been brightened up by your uniqueness and general hilarity – so a book filled with it sounds utterly amazing. Pleeeeeaaaase 🙂
Oooooh, pretty please! I’d love a copy of your book.
Also, the dead bodies, do they need to be totally concealed? If so, I could probably fit about three, I’d guess. If I were allowed to have bits sticking out, I’m sure I could totally stuff at *least* six corpses under this thing.
Ohmigod!! I totally want one of those British books with your signature on it. I also want a unicorn. Not for snogging mind you but, maybe to pet. I want those unicorn snogging artists to illustrate my life thus far only adding unicorns and uhhhmmm chickens everywhere. Okay not really but, it’s late now and I’m getting a little punchy. I do totally want your British book and your signature though. Please
My one-eyed cow could really use a new eyeball. Please?
Random commet? Hmmmm…I love the New Kids on the Block. How ’bout you?
My dad has a glass eye. Growing up he would totally take it out and put it in our bowls of cereal when we weren’t looking. Used to freak me and my brother out. He’s not the most hygienic person in the world :/
I just got directed to this blog last week. It was great for when I was sitting up at night with my new baby. And now I have read it. All of it. And you are weird, and I know from weird. I love weird!
Really want that book!
First off, jesus shit do you have a ton of readers.
Second, I wasn’t really sure what to write about. So, I’m including a message I sent today to someone who asked me, “how moving away from my home town for the first time at age 22 worked out” …
“The gist of how leaving my hometown worked out: Leaving was easy, staying when shit sucked was hard.
When I left, I was naive as hell. I didn’t have a plan or money saved. I had a friend with a couch that I could crash on for a month, and that was it. I went for it anyway. (Tip: Don’t do this. Make sure you have money saved to keep a roof over your head for a couple months. And don’t move to one of the most expensive cities in the US like I did, unless you have adequate savings.)
In 2 years, I’ve lost several jobs, had my first broken heart, a couple failed relationships, been homeless and lived in my car for a time, had my car STOLEN another time, been mugged, witnessed a gang shooting, been nearly date raped and had to file charges…. I lived through periods of extreme depression and at some points, my crazy-levels were off the charts thanks to stress and depression. I was a totally different person.
Regardless, it’s hands down the best thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t know if I would survive, and in the midst of it, shit was fucking horrible… but now I see that those experiences made me who I am.
I’m not proud of who I was in the past. I wasn’t a bad person, but I was incredibly young, immature, selfish, self-centered, demanding, unappreciative… the list goes on. I didn’t want to be that way, but I didn’t even realize that I was that way. I knew that something wasn’t right, but I was so wrapped up in my own life that I failed to see things clearly or think about the people around me. I’m really ashamed of that. Substances were also a part of the picture for a while.
If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t change the bad things that happened to me. They made me a strong, bad ass chick who can handle her shit for the first time in my life. I would change my reactions, and how I treated the people in my life. I would change all of that. I’d also slap the shit out of myself for being such a selfish inconsiderate bitch. Time really gives you perspective.
I recommend leaving, but like I said, make sure you have savings before you strand yourself somewhere new. That’s really all you need. Things would have been a lot easier for me if I didn’t constantly have to worry about putting a roof over my head and food in my stomach. I wouldn’t have been mugged if I wasn’t sleeping in my car, or nearly date raped if I wasn’t trying to find somewhere to sleep. It was a brutal thrust into adulthood.
I moved again a few days ago and I’m leaving for Thailand in a week (this time I have a job there ;)). After living through all of that shit, I know I can take care of myself in any situation. I am infinitely more resourceful, stable, and capable of handling stressful situations. It’s been a fucking ride, but I’m alive and fairly sane, considering. Excited to see what comes next.”
Ignorance is Carlyle!
I want that new chapter, and if I can get it with your autograph attached, so much the better!
I didn’t win the MegaMillions lottery this week, maybe I’ll have better luck with this one. 😛
Can I just say that I’m a fan? Actually, that would be an understatement. If I could put this on my Baby Registry, I would. Also my Mother’s Day wishlist. It would be one of those books that I would never ever EVER let anyone borrow. You have been…influential and life changing to say the least.
So…please? and Thank You. You are awesomeness.
ME!! Pick ME! I voluntarily ran up a shitton of stairs today and I think my legs may have fallen of as I can no longer feel them. You wouldn’t want a poor legless victim of exercise to suffer without an awesome book to read would you? Maybe you would…. Fark it.
I am sincerely hoping that you can post to France. I NEED this book! They just don’t get my humour here and so I rely on your blog to keep me feeling like I am normal and it is them who are strange……
Holly shit these comments are mulitplying like crazy!! I think your blog is awesome:)
I stumbled on your blog a year ago and haven’t looked back……..thank you for giving us a sense of belonging, all us weird and wonderful people.
Have read your book and am inspired
Today I wore a pair of 3D glasses that were lurking in my bag instead of my sunglasses. It wasn’t even funny. It was just a Thursday.
My grandfather had a glass eyeball. Used to keep it in a small green glass bowl at the side of the bed. He wasn’t a cow though. He was a physiotherapist.
I love the cover! I think I would prefer to have a copy of this book than a glass cow eyeball, to be honest. Although I wouldn’t say no to an entire glass cow, that would be cool.
My least favourite toe is the one I dislocated last week in a small altercation with an inanimate object.
I was pretty sad when you mentioned the new chapter being in the U.S version of the book, good to know you haven’t forgot about your crazy worshippers over here!
I think you should definitely come over to the UK though, One of our Castles has a taxidermy bear which is holding a tray. I mean who even thinks about having a dead bear waiter??
If you do come over though, totally up for trying to help you steal the bear, I think he belongs with you! x
I would LOVE to win a copy! I would take with me on my trip for my 40th birthday.
I was going to get a hotel room for the weekend and lots of wine and sit in the dark and cry at how I am single, never married, no kids and that I live in one of my best friends’ attics. It seemed a fitting way to celebrate.
Then the bestie reminded me there is a casino only 45 minutes away and so we booked a room for the weekend and now I will still get drunk, and might cry over how much money I give to the casino…but I’ll have an amazing friend along side of me making me laugh!
Now I’ll have an amazing friend who drove all night from Illinois to Buffalo NY to move me back to her home in Illinois when I had fallen apart and was suicidal and had been abandoned by the family that was supposed to love me unconditionally. Six years later and I’m on meds and in therapy where I am finally dealing with the rape I had pretended didn’t happen 24 years ago and learning to control my major anxiety attacks, PTSD and OCD and chanting daily that DEPRESSION LIES. I now have a new family who adopted me as one of their own and love me unconditionally.
I also have four cats…but I’m not a collector…the neighbors just keep moving away and leaving cats behind!
So yeah, I would REALLY LOVE to win a copy of your book, signed by one of my heroes, to take with me on my 40th Birthday trip so I can sit and read from it out-loud and we can both laugh and laugh (and drink and drink) and I will have wonderful memories to look back on!
Book + free = me
I need another copy! My current one is being lent more than a library book! We need more monkeys! Or copies of LPTNH! Or Both!
bilbo. yup, i’m high
Come to Maine….please :)and would love to win a copy of your book with your autograph! Thank you for being you!
Crap, I always seem to show up late for these things!
Okay, well I would say something like, “ thanks Jenny, for being you. For doing what you do, with honesty and integrity.”
Oh, I DID say that. Great. I’m in. And I’d love to own a British copy.
Or any copy.
Thank you.
I know a guy who has a glass eye. At school he’d spin and flick his head so that it would come out and fly across the room. Quite a trick.
My family and I drove from Denver to San Antonio over Spring Break and in some small Texas town I saw a seven foot tall metal flamingo for sale in some metal shop by the side of the road. SEVEN foot tall PINK METAL FLAMINGO!!!!! I desperatly wanted to stop and buy it, but my spouse was driving. I would have named her Jay-Z damn it! It would be a good consolation prize to have your book instead. 🙂
Why does the lettering on the cover have tenticles??
My foster doggy had her ladyparts removed today. If I had an autographed copy of your book to read to her, I bet she would love me again. 😉
(No, I’m not above passive-aggressive guilt trips. Why on earth would you ask that?!) 😉
Pick me! Pick me! Yes I was that kid in school who always had their hand up ….. brown-noser.
I just bought a pelmeniza and think everyone needs one! It lets you make 37 delicious filled dumplings in one go, with hardly any work involved. Very little things are more useful and necessary in this life.
I also think everyone needs a copy of your awesome book, which might almost approach the awesomeness of the pelmeniza… even though you probably can’t make 37 dumplings in one go with your book, which I admit is a serious flaw. But even so, I really want to win one! I bet I can make at least two dumplings with it, and I’ll even send you the pics. 🙂
Brilliant! All we need are a couple of precision drills and some silk string, and we could turn those suckers into rocking necklaces for your shop. Frankly, I’d like a choker and clip-on earrings… freakin’ fabulosity. Naturally, I’ll carry my signed copy of your happening book when I step out wearing my new jewels. Cowabunga! You in? 😆
Cheers,
Elizabeth
I have a cat that looks like a bigger version of Hunter S. Tomcat. His name is Dragon. If a glass eyeballs showed up at my house he would TOTALLY bat that thing around the floor until he collapsed in a heap after running head first into too many walls. A book is a better idea probably… we could cuddle and read together without all the smushed cat brains.
Favorite toe(s) are the ones next to my big toes – amazingly long and grippy.
I need another copy, because I bought one, and then I gave it away, (You have to read this, I laughed so much I almost puked, I said to my friend) And then I bought ANOTHER copy and gave it away, and I really need one that’s signed, so I won’t give it away. I never give away signed books, which makes for annoying packing when I have to move countries.
Luckily I don’t own any taxidermied creatures, they must be very difficult to pack.
I’m hooked on Korean drama but everyone else think’s I’m crazy
Open to us remote Aussies? (also, this counts as my comment, if so 🙂 )
Sure, I’ll try again.
This summer I plan to catch a newt in the pond in front of my university, put it in a jar and give it as a giftto my favorite professor. And I would like a copy of the book.
It’s Thursday. I thought yesterday was Thursday. Fuck.
I’ve been dying to get your book. Im sure the British version adds some BA to an already BA book.
Love the cover! I want to win.
Win Me!!
Ohhh, I would love me a copy, I’m dying to read your book.
And thanks for letting me be part of the tribe – not that you really have any control over that, so I guess I should thank myself for finding you and regularly snorting over the hilarious of your site. So well done me.
PS, I feel 9 glass eyeballs would be sufficient for most purposes – though there may be some occassions that call for more.
I would love to win a copy!
My pet name for my favorite toe is “Piglet”. Okay, I made that up, but I really want your autograph and inside your book would be fantastic!
I have a brand new jar of peanut butter and I can’t decide whether I should make myself sick eating it with a spoon, or waste it all on peanut butter cookies I will probably burn.
Also, I have a pug named Butter.
a book!
My nephew has a prosthetic eye. When he was little, he would pop it out to try to gross out his sisters. They would rat him out, yelling “Mom! Zach took out his eye again.”
How many bodies do you need storing? If it’s more than a couple, I’d have to buy another bed.
Yay contests!!
I would be thrilled to win a copy. Or glass eyeballs. Either one.
“The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.”
I’m pretty sure, if I chop them up nice and small, I can fit a bakers dozen under mine.
I’ve only used three glass eyeballs so far, but I have immediate plans for five more.
Does that mean us Limeys can actually enter this one?!? I only ask because I’m more used to being tortured by draws I can’t enter.
Drawers you can’t enter – that’s a whole different subject right there!
I’ve been *trying* to share the book with my sister, because I think she really needs it. But I bought it on Kindle and she hasn’t got a Kindle and also lives cross-country from me. She’s a huge klutz so I can’t lend the Kindle itself. If you randomly pick my comment, first I’ll read the new chapter – NEW CHAPTER! – and then give it to my sister.
I kind of need a copy of your UK book, as I am collecting copies in as many versions as I can get. It is taking me a little while to get through the German one, but I will conquer it one day! P.S. Daffodil is much cuter in German…until she dies.
On a side note, I have been saving for a silver ribbon necklace for the past few months. It arrived last night. I am wearing it proudly this morning, to help me remember not to give up.
OK, so the books on my bookshelf are ordered by colour and I need one more blue book.
Oh my giddy goodness, I shall have to have a sit down, a nice cup of tea, a garibaldi biscuit, king of biscuits, and rub down with a damp issue of Watership Down, I am just that excited. Huge hug please can I humbly win a copy of your fab book? Thank you.
Woot woot! Autographed book! Yeah!
You’re awesome, I’d love a copy.
So many comments already! I’d love to win one 😀
My great great grandfather had a glass eye, and for some reason he wasn’t buried with it in. My great grandmother kept it in the button box. Because that’s where I’d totally keep my dad’s glass eye, y’know?
My sister works in research and when she was working on her masters she had to collect BUCKETS of cow eyes from the foundry. It was awesomely disgusting. The eyes looked like a thousand Skinny Cows staring up from a 10 gallon bucket. The eyeballs were for a good purpose – to research a cure for macular degeneration. Plus – after a year of hauling these cow eye in the trunk of her car – the entire car took on the odor of…cow eye.
Awesome.
She had to sell the car.
If I win, my sister will get the book. (did I mention her name is also Jenny?)
Oh Jenny, thanks for letting us be a part of your tribe. It is sooooo awesome!
P.S I am mommy to Hunter S Thomcat’s twin!
I am trying to arrange a puppy pile here at work to alleviate stress. Although I think replacement cow eye balls are cool, they aren’t as giggle inducing as playing with a big ol’ bunch of puppies.
Me, me, me! Please pick me!
I would love a copy of this book. Please PICK ME – PICK ME – PICK ME – or I may pick my nose. I would rather have a book than a booger. Thanks. Absolutely love you!!!!! To bad your married, and I am married, and female for that matter, oh well. Love you anyway
My mother is coming to visit for two weeks…throw me a bone here – I need SOMETHING to keep me sane!
Me me me! Pick me, you glorious weirdo!
My husband picked up your book last year and when I heard him laughing hysterically in the bathroom (not that unusual unfortunately) I had to ask what was so funny. He said, “You have to read this book.” So I did. And I loved it, But I let my sister borrow my copy and now it’s covered in koolaid. Don’t ask, Can I have a new one, please?
You had me at eyeball.
Thanks for the opportunity to win. I gave my hardcover copy to a friend. I would love to read the new chapter.
Eyes would have been cool. My sister has a handful (artificial ones) and it would have been awesome if I had been able to compete with her. The book would still be awesome.
Wouldn’t your cow eyeballs make a lovely necklace? That would be an udderly cool present for someone. :o)
I read your blog every day before i start to work and it makes me smile which will help get through the day and i have been to hear you read on your book tour.. you rock
I love your book. When my favorite cat died last week, I thought of you and considered taxidermy so she’s always be with me. But my husband wanted to buryher in the backyard next to his brother’s old gravestone, so I didn’t.
My dogs are Tonto and Kato. I picked the names because i thought they would our sidekicks. But, they turned into the Toe Brothers; sometimes they allow ME to tag along.
Also, the decoration in your new house is fascinating -no lie. It looks like you might be turning the Haunted Dollhouse into the real house. Tres cool.
I want your book. You are a prom chaperone from the future.
I was in HS when I met and fell in love with my hubby. Shortly after we moved in together (which happened the day after my HS graduation) his dad gave us some of his things. My future father-in-law used one of the hubby’s possessions to hold all of his loose change. And when he gave it to us, it was still filled with change.
We were sorting through things and counting the money one night, when we came across a few interesting things, like his mom’s engagement ring that was missing the diamond, some feathers, teeth, and a glass eyeball. My mother-in-law’s glass eyeball, to be exact. And she did not want it back. True story.
A glass cow eyeball it was not, but a glass eyeball nonetheless.
Fun times. I thought of you last week when I saw these crazy glass domes from the 1800s, full of taxidermied stuff.
I had eye surgery when I was in the sixth grade. It was the relatively minor kind, where the surgeon detaches the exterior muscles and reattaches them in an effort to stop the eye from crossing. Afterward, the ophthalmologist told me I would have to wear an eye patch for a couple of weeks. He could see that I was unhappy about this (the pirate look was not considered cool then), and so he said he had something that would make me feel better. He reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a small water-filled bottle in which was floating a (human-sized) glass eye. Whenever anyone asks about the patch, he said, just pull this out of your pocket and show it to them. He was a little sick, and I liked that. So … I don’t know about cow glass eyes, but for a while there I needed just one human glass eye.
Never commented on blogs before… Too good to pass up. Too poor to buy your book *collegeatemymomey* but I’d LOVE to enjoy your book. 😀 I have nothing to offer in return but my eternal gratitude.
I’m posting from bed. The kids are awake and I’m seeing how long I can ignore them before they start going bonkers.
Thanks to you the world is a much brighter and more sarcastic place! Love you Jenny!!!
I’m a reporter. Tuesday, the heavens opened and a group of shirtless firefighters showed up at the building behind the paper. I was charged with talking to them (dramatic laying of the hand upon the troubled brow)
I posted a comment/picture on my work-Facebook page.
It somehow morphed into a conversation with a rival reporter about our most awkward on-the-job moments. Mine was the naked 5K. True story. I ran a 5K at a nudist colony. (I wore clothes but was almost incapacitated with the anxiety of having 50 naked people around me,)
Here’s the post:
Yeah, Patrick, I just turn red and start stuttering at moments like that. Seriously.
Not that I’ve ever had anyone look for mini-skirt affirmation, but still.
Most anxiety for a story… EVER… EEEVVVEERRR… I ran the Sunny Sands 5K Streak last year — for work.
It was a nude race. (I was NOT nude. That’s how the organizers identified me… “You must be Jen. I was wondering who the clothed girl was in the middle of all the naked people.”)
I was almost incoherent with blind panic… all I could think was “Don’t look. Don’t laugh. Don’t cry. DON’T LOOK!”
And everyone was ridiculously cool but me. I was the only person not completely at ease. It made me even more anxious.
(I blame it on our Puritan founders. Plus, I’m neurotic. And married. And scared of naked people. And, I don’t do many participatory event stories anymore. I find city hall much safer to cover; everyone is better dressed, and they pretty much ignore me if I start giggling about something strange.)
I have nothing else to add, save that I freakin’ love your book and WAAANNNT to read the extra chapter.
Can’t wait to read the new chapter.
Was texted this morning by a date from last week and the guy said that I was out of his league. Not sure if I should be flattered or not. I choose to be flattered:)
I like it when I get to go car shopping and the sales person shows you how big the trunk is and i say “Yep, I think I could fit 2 or 3 bodies in there” and the shocked look on their face!
If I was a taxidermist with a box of cow eyeballs, I’d stuff a cow and have eyes popping out all over its body, and call it art. Nightmare fodder, perhaps, but art. You’re welcome.
I wish it was autographed cow eyeballs. However, I’ve only read this book twice, so the snooty British version would be awesome for a third go round.
You are our leader! I heart this tribe! Devan
I have an unsigned hardcover of your book (I actually got two copies for my birthday last year. What does that say about me? Or my friends?), but I would love a signed copy!
Speaking of eyeballs, we dissected a cow eyeball in junior high science class. You’d think I would remember more about what was inside–but all I recall is how hard it was to cut. Frogs, fetal pigs–easy and interesting. P.S. Lava soap gets the smell of formaldehyde off your hands.
My tribe!!! And I think the best day of all days is Thursday.
Yay! I found the end! or is it the beginning, no.. probably somewhere in the middle. Thanks Jenny for being a little bit like Alice in Wonderland. I like to think of you as Jenny like Alice 🙂
Hey Jenny, here’s a joke for you…
What does a nosy chilli pepper do?
– It gets Jalapeño business!
You’re welcome 🙂
WOW! 2557 Commens already and it’s only 7:00 in the morning! Please enter me into the drawing – I have the book but not the new chapter and would love to read it. 🙂
Thanks,
Jilly-bear
I don’t have a favorite toe (my non-discrimation policy), my crazy-ass family calls vaginas “moosies” (don’t ask), I really can’t think of any instance when I would use even ONE cow eyeball, and I can’t tell you how many bodies I can fit under my bed because of the ongoing case. In other news, you should check this out. It will ease your mind (as it did mine) that our kids aren’t even CLOSE to the creepiest. Oh, and I would love, Love, LOVE a signed copy of the book!
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mattbellassai/the-creepiest-things-a-child-has-ever-said-to-a-parent
I’m an American in the UK who has been following you for a while. LOVE your stories. I’m also a therapist so it’s extra special interesting. And now that your book has a UK version…well, I have to read it or Bob’s your uncle. (Hahaha…weird sayings overe here). Please pick me. Perty please.
Fun fact: I have webbed toes.
I’d love to win a copy of your paperback! I like to collect books that are autographed.
I once had a door named Steve
I’ve always been a big fan of legs. I like to use them for walking. Very useful things legs. Though I suppose if push came to shove hands are more important than legs and without a head with a functioning brain legs and hands would be pretty useless. Brain wins, but only because it is calling the shots.
This blog helped me rediscover my sense of humor during my massively stressful senior year of college. THANK YOU JENNY & tribe!
I call the Unicorn in my pants Mr. Hoodwinkle! Would love to get a book even though I already have one that I bought!
Everytime I see a squirrel I think about Stanley the magical, talking squirrel. I really enjoyed the book and love reading your blog.
I’m surprised that the Brits didn’t go with the cute little mouse cover. They love things like that and some might even mistake it for a children’s book. Until they started reading it to their child….
Jeff- You did not name your door that.
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I would NEVER put bodies under my bed cause eventually they would smell and drive me nuts. I have however considered how many I can fit in the trunk of my car. Average size non skinny would be approx. 8-9. They could travel in the car (plastic to protect the trunk) until I find their finally spot.
Just saying….
CHERRY BLOSSOMS. I’m in love with the cherry blossoms that are in bloom.
I’m also a huge fan of peanut butter, pepperidge farm goldfish, and bacon flavored crisps from the UK.
I’d love to win your book, because I love sharing it with other people and helping them find their tribe!
I admire weathermen because weather doesn’t always do what it should. Like, imagine if someone had a cat circus, and you went. You really shouldn’t be surprised if these highly trained cats decided that day that they’d rather just sleep, so you didn’t get to see any cool tricks. I imagine weather is like those cats, and I can hear the weatherman saying, “No, I swear the weather SHOULD HAVE snowed six inches last night, but it decided it didn’t want to.”
Speaknig of six inches of snow, I live in Minnesota and the wather forecasts showed I should have woken to a snow-covered lawn. But I woke up to a green grass lawn. WIN for me!
Hi Jen,
my boyfriend just left on a trip to Hawaii without me….. your book would make up for it 🙂
Jess
I lost all my toes in a forklift accident. Just kidding. But if I did, I’d find your toe question extremely offensive. And I’d have a hard time buying shoes.
Who doesn’t want to be a winner? Send a book to me!
If I win, can I have an eyeball as well???
Sherri
I’d love to win your book. Especially the UK version. Because that means it probably has color spelled colour and check spelled cheque, and instead of line it probably says queue. Which is kind of annoying and kind of cute at the same time. Much like children. I love my children. And I love your book.
I could really us a pick-me-up this morning (pun intended) because I fell out of bed last night for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and now my elbow hurts.
I have a firmly held belief that one can never have too many copies of your book, since I currently own 3 copies, but since I keep loaning them out and not getting them back, I really need a 4th. Please help me. I obviously have sucky friends and therefore need it more than others.
I’d love to win a copy of your book so I can re-read all the best parts (the whole thing) AND the extra chapter, but win or lose, I want to say Thank You, from the bottom of my heart, for keeping me laughing out loud this past year when I have needed it most! You are a rock star, Jenny!
This gives me an excuse to post here, and say something overdue.
Thank you.
Your posts and videos helped me come to terms with the fact that I was, and am, suffering from severe depression.
I got help, in a large part because of the things you wrote and said. Your “Depression lies” video helped me find the words to explain what I was going through to my wife when I finally found the strength to tell her.
I am getting better.
Thank you.
The question should be how many MORE bodies can you fit under your bed. But replace “bodies” with single socks and doggy chew toys. That pretty much describes under my bed.
Things my students learned about me today:
1.) I hate monkeys. (Sorry-not-sorry, monkey-lovers.) I drew a picture of a fanged monkey about to eat a baby, under it were the bullet points: “eat babies; evil; kill with fire.” They were a little confused, but eh, fuck ’em.
2.) I will give them an F if they use Comic Sans in their papers or PowerPoint presentations. Usually they think I’m kidding when I say crazy shit; I said this with such dead-eyed seriousness that they all nodded solemnly.
At least I had a lot of fun in class today! Hope to top it off by winning a book. I’ve read it before, of course, but get weirdly obsessive about (a) books, in general, (b) complete sets of things, and (c) owning multiple copies of the same book if I lovelove it. And I do so lovelove yours.
Someone asked me the other day, “Have you heard of Jenny Lawson? I heard her book is funny.” I was actually dumbfounded for the first time in quite a while. Later, I thought, “Funny?! FUNNY?! You have no idea, idiot!!!” I’d love a British copy of your book, too.
Then she told me her eyebrows and eyelashes fell out when she switched from Levoxyl to the generic.
I have a box on my coffee table that’s full of a combination of change and weird ephemera that I can’t part with. A tiny rubber gravestone. A bat signal lollipop stick. A miniature Buffy the Vampire Slayer lunchbox. A pillbox that says “Coke.” I’m pretty sure it means Coca-Cola, but I find that hilarious. I’d like to add one that says Heroin and one that just says E. I’m telling you this because I think what this box needs is a glass cow eyeball. I’m going to hit up ebay momentarily. In the meantime, I think my sanity needs your book as much as my box of weirdness needs an eyeball. I don’t even know what that last phrase means.
I would love to win an autographed copy of your book! Also, I want to thank you for introducing me to the world of Dr. Who! Because of you I am now an official Whovian!
So I would love to win, but I fear that will never happen. The only thing I have ever won is an Energizer Bunny stocking for Christmas.
I was about 9, and at the Albertsons Pharmacy with my mom getting my medicine filled…I’m quite certain the pharmacy tech felt sorry for me because I looked like complete shit while I was standing there filling out my entry. They called my mom that evening to tell her I won (supposedly) and my mom surprised me with it the next day when I was huddled up sick. Come to think of it my mom may have just paid for it to make me think I won. Hmmm. Damn.
So scratch what I said earlier. I haven’t ever won anything – and would love to win your book!
From one Jenny to another – you rock.
My husband & I planted a Persimmon tree this weekend – I named it Richard. Richard Persimmon – Richard Simmons… hyuk hyuk hyuk.
Anyway – I’d love a copy of your book!
I have never laughed as hard as I did the moment I turned the (e-reader) page to see a picture of a raccoon ACTUALLY WEARING HOMEMADE JAMS. Until the photo, I really thought you were exaggerating for the sake of comedy! 🙂
At a week old, my daughter almost lost her toe (roast beef piggy) because one of my head hairs became wrapped around it. Took a day and a half to figure out what the problem was. Poor little baby.
Every time I see a taxadermied (I’m thinking that isn’t exactly a word…or the right way to spell it…but it most definitely should be. Somebody important take note of this!) animal, all I can think is “Pfft. You’ve got nothing on Mr. O’Shaunnesy.” Just saying.
I bought your book on a whim at the Denver International Airport while my flight was delayed during an irritating March snow storm. The mouse on the cover looked so charming. I laughed out loud as I was reading it, and had three other people ask me what I was reading. While only in the first chapters, I told them all to run to the overpriced snack shop and buy it right now. I’ve loaned my copy out to some friends, and would love another copy because I just know it won’t be returned. Thanks for writing it.
I would never hide bodies under my bed (not even one would fit there, and it would stink). But we can fit soooo many irritating gardeners in the composting pile, I stopped counting after six. And now our garden is fabulous. I would love to read your book there.
Sign me up! You’re awesome and I aspire to have my own Beyonce some day. Only I’d call mine Rupert and it would be a goat.
I broke my foot learning to walk on stilts 🙁 I could use a good book to read while hanging out and healing.
I’m having a bad week…if only they made Flintstones chewable morphine. Do you think your book would make me feel better, like getting frenched by a Unicorn? Me, please.
your mom….
deserves a medal….
b/c you’re amazing. 🙂
Your blog always makes me smile, so grateful I found it! I imagine your book would be more of the same, I’d love to have a copy.
I’d rather have an extra finger than an extra toe. Anyone who says otherwise is in denial.
My sister-in-law is an optometrist who regularly cleans glass eyes for her patients. Not a job I want.
Meeee!!! I want one. Please? Hopefully. Yes?
I just discovered your site after hearing you on the radio in Louisville and almost wrecking my car when you told your story about going to the costume party with your husband. Since then I’ve been reading daily and loving my morning cackles – something that really gets me going now rather than wanting to just crawl back in bed. I’m even starting to think about starting up my blog again after reading yours, although the way I soothe my depression is by cooking and sharing. Anyways, thanks and I can’t wait to read more!
Bonus chapter? How exciting! Is it the same hilarious one from the audiobook?
The only time I have ever questioned whether or not my marriage was a good idea was when he didn’t think your Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken post was the funniest thing he had ever read. He has since apologized. I think we’ll be OK.
But it is definitely the funniest thing I have ever read, and I re-read it whenever I am having a bad day.
I live in Ontario and my 77 year old mother lives in Nova Scotia. We both love to read and she was recommending books for me. She said “Now Sarah, there’s a book you’re just going to love! It’s SO funny and wonderful and I know you’d “GET” it right away. I can’t tell your sister about it – she wouldn’t understand . . . I certainly don’t think any of my friends would appreciate this humor . . .”
me: “OK Ma! OK! It sounds GREAT! What’s the book? Who’s it by? I have my pen”
Ma: “It’s called “Let’s Pretend This Didn’t Happen”
Me: “Never”
Ma: “What?”
Me: “This NEVER HAPPENED. The Bloggess? Jenny Lawson”
Ma: “I knew you’d GET it!”
So I think I’m the only fan-blog-reader who hasn’t read the book but yet my 77 year old mother has (and now she’s a fan too – if only someone would go to her house and teach her how to find your blog on the interweb!)
Sarah
My junior high algebra teacher had a glass eye. He thought it was great fun to take it out and leave it in surprising places. Once, at a dinner party (he reported to us), one of the courses included cottage cheese with a nice big green olive on top in one of those cute little glass single serving bowls. His buddy LOVED cottage cheese. So my teacher slipped out, took out his glass eye and replaced the olive on his friend’s cottage cheese with the glass eye. The story was reported about 15 years after the incident and he laughingly told his stunned class of 7th graders that his friend STILL won’t eat cottage cheese. Good times. Good times.
I was recently diagnosed with a devastating health ailment…Dye Eye Syndrome (DES). Your autographed book would most likely bring much needed tears to my non-glass eyeballs. You are the best!
Congratulations! Your book is hilarious and awesome and I’d love a second copy. My favorite toe is Potay.
Hmm..bodies under the bed. I don’t think I could sleep. My husband and I prefer to store dead hookers in our closet and take them out for special occasions. Well, we talk about storing dead hookers in the closet but it was something he started and I decided to go along with it. On an unrelated note some music played through apartment walls can sound eerily like Gregorian Chant but that doesn’t mean you should introduce yourself to your new neighbors on that fact alone if you’ve never met them. Especially while you have a fever.
OH my I would love this as someone currently working in HR – you know that field you used to work in! haha… you are the best! my idol!
Yes please! I’d love to win, except I can’t fit a single body under my bed because it’s a covered box spring with a mattress on top. On the other hand, it makes it easier to catch the cat when it’s vet time.
I would love a copy to donate to my local library. I bought a hard copy and loaned it to a friend and she never gave it back. I was counting on giving that one to the library. More people need to read this and laugh.
And maybe cry a little bit too.
Would love to read your book. My favorite toe is none of them – I don’t particularly like feet.
Me!
It’s early and I’m tired and I can’t think of a single funny thing to write here, but I’d love a copy of the book! You rock, Jenny. 🙂
Yeahhhhhhh I really like the blue with yellow lettering and how the font is much like “The Book of Lost Things” which I feel that if you haven’t read, you should. Its a really frigged up in a fantastic kind of way fairy tale. Totally your thing. So, here you go – entry to win your book as well as a book recommendation. You’re welcome.
I think the zombie apocalypse took place!!!! (Oh, and super cool about the new version of “Let’s Pretend” and the giveaway!)
So the glass cow eyes are off the table? Hmm yeah ok let’s go for the book. I only have the kindle version 🙂 totally heart you, your crazy makes my crazy seem like a good crazy.
Haha… my friend’s husband knows a guy with a glass eye. When we were at college parties, it was always a bad idea to ask him to keep an eye on something. You’d come back with a glass eye on your purse or something.
So excited to tell the family in Scotland they can now get their very own version! Are the words spelled differently? Don’t want them thinking it’s in a foreign language.
Even though I think it would be totally cool to win one of those books, that’s not why I’m commenting. I’m commenting because I’m pretty sure I’m well qualified to answer the question of how many glass eyeballs a normal person uses in a lifetime. Because my best friend* in high school was missing one of her eyes and so I know things about glass eyes.
Like how much fun it is to take one out of your empty eye socket and hold it over the top of the public bathroom stall where someone is trying to pee and would probably succeed at peeing too if a disembodied eye weren’t staring over the top of the stall.
And also how effective it is, when annoyed at the hooting and catcalls from the next car over, to remove your glass eye and open your empty eye socket really wide to reveal the scarred and angry tissue inside at them.
And also that glass eyes and washing machines don’t mix well. Therefore, when taking your eye out for the night, it’s best not to stash it in your pocket.
And also that glass eyes are very, very expensive. And insurance doesn’t always cover a new one when you write, “Previous eye damaged by spin cycle” on the claim form.
I sincerely submit, therefore, these qualifications as evidence that I can, indeed, answer the question at hand. Except I can’t, so there is that. My guess is that it depends on how often you launder your pajama bottoms.
*For the purposes of this comment, and because it’s easier than a lengthy explanation (which you’re evidently going to get anyway), “best friend” means someone I knew and liked because we were both odd-balls and she was super funny, and with whom I occasionally spent time. It occurs to me that my description of her as an “odd-ball” rather undermines my argument that I know the answer to the question of how many eyeballs a *normal* person uses in a lifetime, but I’m choosing to ignore it along with several other significant pieces of contrary evidence.
apparently we all want an autographed book. I won’t lie, I just want the extra chapter. My favorite toe is named Elspeth.
I used to have a Tiny Plastic Beyonce. She was the enforcer of my To-Do list — when I *really* had to finish a task, I’d put a post-it note on her with (say) “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER! FINISH THAT REPORT”.
She got packed up when I moved last October & hasn’t been recovered. My office just isn’t the same without her.
Actually, my grandma has a glass eye, so she could probably use more glass eyeballs than your average human. Although hers is apparently awesome, and hand-painted, ’cause her optomitrist asked her to bring it in to show it off to his colleagues as an example of how awesome glass eyes can be.
What’s weird is that she’s had a glass eye since she was a teen, but I didn’t know about it (it really is remarkably lifelike) until I was a teen, when I went in to wake her up one morning and HER EYE WAS ON HER NIGHTSTAND. That’s something you never forget, let me tell you.
Wouldn’t you be the leader of the tribe?
Please enter me in the contest. I’m a late-comer to your blog (Sorry!), so this would be a great way to catch up.
I would LOVE to win!
Without my glasses I read part of the top Bourne as “I adore her CAITLIN MORAN.” and I wondered if you had a Caitlin Moran stashed somewhere and if it was a blog entry I missed.
I would like to point out that my life has been terribly ordinary lately, except for when I read your blog and when my children decide to do something interesting. I think your book is exactly what I need to add a dose of bizarre, ridiculous, absolutely necessary gratuitous insanity to my life.
“The queen of saying too much” is basically the most wonderful title ever. I love reading your overshares 🙂
I am fairly certain that I could put seventeen vintage glass cow eyeballs to good use. I am absolutely convinced that I would enjoy having an autographed copy of your book. I love your blog so much that I had a clever friend set up a blog for me. I haven’t posted anything yet but it has a terrific cupcake at the top of the page. I was going to call it somewhatbitter.com, but I anticipate occasionally having something sweet to say.
I had a skin rash (actually a form a dermatitis) on my leg and I named it Vaclav. A Czech girl needs a good Czech name for her skin rash.
I have the US version (without the extra chapter) on my Nook and LOVED it!
I don’t think I could pick a favourite toe but I think having a box of glass eyeballs would be very useful. I would take them to other people’s houses and hide them in strange places. Toss one into a bag of grapes or leave one floating in the toilet. It would be amazingly evil and oh so much fun!
My favorite toe is my second toe on my right foot; the one next to the big toe (my right foot index toe?). This toe actually overlaps my big toe a bit which looks rather odd and had always made me anxious about wearing sandals in public, but still, I suppose it is a bit special. Growing up my sister always told me that my toes were kind of squnched because I wore all my shoes too tightly as a kid (a la the Grinch who stole Christmas whose shoes were too tight). But I still maintain that there’s nothing wrong with a snugly laced converse.
Oh and zero bodies will fit under my bed.
I lost my book WITH the signed sticker thing in it! Or maybe it was stolen. I’m sure it was stolen, I would never be that careless!
I’ll make this my final attempt at winning a replacement before I just buy another one. 🙂
Just putting this out there… If your car is halfway into my lane, turning on your blinker is kind of pointless because I have most likely already guessed that you intend to change lanes. AND I HAVE ALREADY CURSED A THOUSAND DINGS AND BIRD DROPPINGS ON YOUR CAR.
But winning Jenny’s book might make me less cranky and just wish a traffic ticket on you.
I have six children. I need a hard copy of your book to keep in the bathroom. You know…for when I’m hiding in there, pretending to poop.
I like strawberries.
Also blackberries.
Not so much blueberries though, unless they are in pancakes. They they’re fine.
I have an uncanny ability to immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion about everything. SO, I know i won’t win, but i’ll enter anyway 🙂 🙂
For the love of unicorns! Which by the way is just magicly awesome . I would have a unicorn in my back yard, only if I could find a unicorn, but I’ll settle for a donkey with a horn tied on or even a ground hog with one tied on. Which is even a better idea, because then maybe he couldn’t get in his hole or lift his head high enough to eat my plants. Oh no, I’m rambling, which is usual given the caffeine and med intake.
Vintage glass cow eyeballs sound fun, too. But, not as fun as your book!
I misread part of the top blurb as “I adore her CAITLIN MORAN.” and I panicked thinking that your Caitlin Moran was the new Beyonce and I had somehow missed the blog entry.
I’ve been recommending your blog and your book to anyone who will listen. I feel very lucky to have had a friend recommend to me and have been laughing, crying, and gasping ever since. Jenny, thank you for having the courage to share your life with all of us. Your humor and strength are truly a gift. Oh…would love to have a hard copy of the book as I just have the E book version.
I’d love a copy! Also, based on the fact that I can hardly fit height wise under my bed I think the number of dead bodies that could fit under there is probably limited to one layer. So probably 4-5.
Thank you for giving me something to do at work every day.
If I ever had to get a glass eye, I would totally get a gold one like the Cullens.
I’ve got a lov-e-ly bunch of glass cow eyes (buh da da dum)
There they are sitting in a box (dum dum dum)
Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
Give ’em a twist, a flick of the wrist, that’s what The Bloggess said. Hey!
Please include two glass eyeballs with a copy of your book because the pollen has taken my existing eyeballs!
You are awesome!
I’m afraid of elevators and circuses.
If I had glass eyeballs, I would fill a clear jar with them and leave them on my kitchen counter next to the jar of tea bags and the container of wintergreen mints. Then when I had people over and offered them a mint, I’d say, “Oh, they’re in the kitchen on the counter.” And they’d go in and look for them and maybe they’d find them, but maybe they’d see the glass eyeballs first, and they’d question our friendship and their sanity, in that order.
Either way, I’d love to win a copy of your book. I’ll buy it anyway, but an autographed copy would be the bee’s knees. Or the elderly man’s glass eyeball. Whichever.
I went to our local brewery/wine store the other day and they had a fox skin on the counter. I was like, “Whaaa???” Very random. AND CLASSY. Nothing says class like sipping an Argentine Malbec with your pinky extended next to a dead fox. I love it!
I would like a copy of the book because
a) I admit, I haven’t read it yet
b) I LOVE your blog and I often send it to my hubby to make him laugh, too
c) because you are awesome
d)Ding dong, motherfucker!!
Lucky comment right here! Pick me! 🙂
Gorgeous cover! Also, i’m a sucker for anything British. Except the food. One time i went to a Burger King in London and it was one of the saddest culinary experiences of my life. And i once ate LeanPocket filling off of my sweater.
I finally got my red dress pictures taken! But it was 2 1/2 weeks ago and the photographer hasn’t emailed them to me yet. 🙁
I would love a copy of this book. I borrowed it from the library (I know – who the hell goes to the library anymore!!??!) and took it on a work trip and I was laughing so hard on the plane that I was crying. People were looking and it just made me want to hand the book over and have them read certain sections. So hilarious! Would love to share it with my sisters/friends….the ex lax and cat handing you notes is the absolute funniest thing I have ever read!!!!!!
I think my middle toe is my favourite, I’m only saying that because now that I think about it, I know I hate my big tow and my pinky toes, AND the ….second toe (would that be referred to as your index toe?) so it really doesn’t leave me with very many options.
I also have a love / hate relationship with my middle finger. There is a hole in the bone on my right middle finger. It causes me pain when people shake my hand too hard or if I somehow slam it into something. That’s quite unfortunate. BUT the flip side of that, when I tell people about it, I usually end up flipping them off in the process to show them how it looks swollen due to the cartilage growing in an attempt to repair itself. and it’s generally a double flip off for comparison purposes. And sometimes its so nice to flip somebody off that you don’t really like.
hi Jenny! My son & I play a game when we are in the car together…if we see a truck with alot of boxes or drums or bags full of “stuff” we make up what we think might be in them….nail clippings from the nursing home, dried boogers, gum from underneath desks and bleachers, ear wax, etc… We like to see who can gross the other out the most. It’s fun!!!
I’d love to have an autographed copy of your book — wasn’t able to make your book signing in my area when you were in Chicago — hope you come around again.
Sammy Davis. You know…glass eyeball? I always think of Sammy Davis. As in THE Candy Man.
Ooh. Candy!
Really, really happy for you!!! The book is hilarious and may it reign supreme (Taco and yes, Burrito Supreme with extra nachos and a second side of that cheesy dip stuff) for many, many, many, more weeks. Ain’t no pretendin’.
It’s happening!
The fact that I’m the one-millionth comment is a great testament to you, mon ami.
I’m sure someone who has already bought your book would be a more qualified candidate, and I admit I have not – yet – due to self imposed poverty syndrome. Limited term. Thank you for the opportunity.
When I was younger I was visiting my grandparents in Maine. We were driving around when my Pepere suddenly slammed the brakes so hard that my Memere’s teeth flew out of her head. Pepere thought he saw a moose walking on the side of the road and wanted to show me. But it was just some guy in a red plaid shirt. Haha I just like telling that story 🙂
I picked up a copy of your memoir on a family vacation, due more to fate than any real knowledge of what I was getting into. My family is a bit of a nosy bunch, so they kept pestering me to find out why I was laughing (crying a bit too, from laughter). This started the downward spiral. You see, you cannot simply read one passage from this book, so my only option was to preform (I do not simply read) the book. Please imagine: My parents, my two older sisters and I all crammed into a small rental car sedan passing around your book to preform excerpts from it. It was beautiful. My father was marginally uncomfortable. Unfortunately, after the escapades, I lent the book to my mother. She is not known for her returning abilities. She claims she lost it. All lies I tell you. AND she even went to your book tour in Cincinnati AND STILL DIDN’T PICK UP ANOTHER BOOK TO REPLACE MINE. She did pick up a book called “Hot Guys with Cute Chicks,” a picture book with shirtless men posing with baby chickens. So not a complete waste, but still not what I was going for.
I like free books. I also like books you have to pay for, but I prefer the free kind.
I would love to have a copy of my very own. It’s just what I always wanted, my own little Jenny Lawson book. I would name it George and I would hug it and pet it and squeeeeeeze it. And pat it, and pet it….
Ken
Absolutely loved the book. I got Kindle version so I have had to lend it to friends so they can read. Please send me one. I keep re-reading passages. Love it.
Um…I don’t have as many random things setting around my house as you do (who does?), BUT my mom has an armadillo who saw the taxidermist after an unfortunate incident with a truck wheel. Also? We’re in Texas, so it totally counts as state pride.
Send me a book. I bought the Kindle version, but pretty sure I need the paper version too.
I can’t stop scratching my bananas with swear words ever since I saw your post.
I have a glass toe. I wired it up with an led so I can always see where I’m going in the dark and never stub my toes on the way to the kitchen for that midnight drink of rum, er, water. But I only have the glass-lighted toe on one foot, so the toes on the other foot are s-o-l.
Also, just think about how many bodies & boxes of glass cow eyeballs the Doctor can fit under his bed. Mind. Blown.
I would be honored. And tickled.
You got Caitlin Moran to do the cover blurb! Good for you. I’d love a copy of the Brit version. Congratulations on your NYT staying power. They are going to have to remove you from their august bestseller list kicking and screaming, because you now have squatter’s rights there.
You convinced me to finally start watching Dr Who. So thanks for that 🙂
So glad you aren’t giving away glass cow eyeballs….I already have more than I know what to do with. Would LOVE a copy of your book, though, especially the UK version since it has a chapter I’ve never read!!
Where have all the flowers gone?
My favorite toe is definitely the pinky, mainly due the the “weeeeee” “weeeeeee” “weeeeeee”- crying. Also because it’s easiest to put nail polish on!
My dog makes out with my cat. Plus, I’d like to win a book please.
Well I’ve never stuffed any bodies under there, but since my bed is on risers i’m guessing i could stack ’em so I could get a good four bodies up under there. They certainly wouldn’t be comfortable, or be able to read, but I don’t share my books anyways!
Is there really such a thing as too many glass eyeballs? I think not… Can I have the book now? 🙂
You make my whole family laugh. I’ve read your book out loud (subbing great sound effects to make it “family friendly” for the youngsters) We loved Squirrel Puppet best!
I would LOVE to win! I don’t know of anything awesome and witty to say, so I will simply share this little paradox that I have always found entertaining: If Pinnocchio said his nose was about to grow – what would happen?!
I think I could fit a few thousand glass eyes under my bed…that would be so awesomely creepy. Oh and I have a butterfly tattoo named Petey.
Congratulations on all your successes! We all love you!
speaking of cows…..we have a local park that has a “zoo” section. not many animals, but our girls still like it. whilst at said park over the weekend, we saw a cow urinating. if you’ve never seen a cow pee, well, it’s a sight. their bladders must be the size of a carry-on suitcase. both of my kids say that the cow peeing was their favorite part of the day. methinks i should be worried…..
Jenny,
Reading your shit is like looking into my own head and perhaps hearing the fucking wild ass hsit coming out of my mouth!!! So you asked for a weird name for a body part.. Well here goes…. After 3 kids passing through my birth canal and entering my lady garden, My Cooch is no longer as the gyno once said.. NICE!!! So picture it ingrown hair between the exit only and the love canal… Why, well during sex or I should say 68 and I owe you one.. my husband looked up and announced I had a gray hair.. That killed the mood and the next day off it came..
Anyway back to the ingrown hair, i took a hand mirror to investigate and FUCK!!!!! First off why is my asshole black when I am white, should i go to a tanning salon and spread my cheeks to tan it?? Then thought WTF if I get a bad sunburn??? Then I began to look at my cooch… Jesus Christ I would not even go near that… It looked like road kill that had been picked at by turkey voltures!!! My Happy Spot or in proper terms my clitoris resembled Sid from the Ice Age, The sloth!!! You know when he gets knocked out and his tongue hangs out os the side of his mouth… Yes THAT!!! So here I sat wondering.. I went from nice, to love canal to road kill!! So my quandry was what now to call it, So I texted 2 close friends for their opinion..;. Choices were SID or Frankengina!
We decided on frankengina and when I win lottery there will be rescontructive surgery.. Till then lights off and at least a 1.5 liter of wine down my throat for my husband to perfrom 68 and I owe you one! Also, To Mrs. Shubert in 6th grade who gave us the lovely growing up speech… FUCK YOU!! You seriously left out a whole bunch of shit!!!!! Having a period is no fucking miracle!!! Did you ever hear the term curse as it is referred to!!!
Keep writing, love love love your crazy nuerotic ways of thinking and P.S. at first I thought it was a fucking tumor on my taint…. great i pictured the obituary … Nancy Staub, died tragically from a tumor on her taint… still shaking my head… after i recovered from a quick panic attack I took the mirror in hand which produced another panic attack that required several glasses of wine to come back to earth… I reserve xanax for after school when that fucking bus returns!
I’ve never thought about how many bodies could fit under my bed. I usually consider how many I could fit in my trunk. The Malibu probably could have handled three, but then I downgraded to a Mazda that could only fit two. My mom’s Cadillac though, that could fit at least four.
Congratulations! On your book, on softcovers! I think softcovers let you know you’ve really made it.
If you ever visit Chicago, I would like to take you to The Museum of Surgical Sciences. Ive always wanted to go and you would be the perfect person with whom to visit.
{pickmepickmepickmepickmepickme}
My favorite toe would be the big one on Daniel Day Lewis’ left foot. Probably. Also, I would like a copy of your book. Or some glass cow eyeballs. Whichever you feel like giving up.
I named my uterus Eileen–it’s tilted.
I had a dream the other night that I had a friend who looked exactly like Bjork. In my dreamiverse, Bjork got brutally murdered by a crazed fan. My friend had to go into hiding for several months because people kept screaming at her in the street because they thought she was zombie!Bjork.
Congrats on your book, by the way, it’s on my Amazon wishlist so you don’t actually need to send me one as I will buy it anyway. 🙂
I haven’t read it yet so I’d love to win a copy!
Thank you for letting me be apart of a tribe in RWT. The tribe in my head was starting to get a little cliquey.
On the bodies under the bed question … I’ve spent way too much time now (read: a few minutes) thinking about this. Because it really depends on what TYPE of bodies. I’m going to go with Barbie doll bodies. I’d estimate I can fit at least 100 of those under my bed, possibly more. And now this sounds like one of those raffle games where you guess the number of jelly beans in a jar to win.
I think you really should’ve made this whoever guesses the closest number to the amount of Barbie bodies you can fit under your bed wins a book.
So in the UK version have they translated it from English to English by substituting fun words like snogging, bloody, and sodding?
My favorite color is purple, i will probably never use more than 6 eyeballs, I can likely fit 3 bodies under my bed if i try hard enough, i love your blog and i never win anything!
I never win anything, but I’m feeling lucky. Plus I just like adding a comment.
I think the better question would be how many people can I fit IN my bed!!!!
I would love to win an autographed copy of your totally awesome book!
I also my say I think of you nearly every morning I walk out my door – which is decorated with a 4 inch section of a squirrel tale a neighborhood hawk kindly left me last fall.
nevermind, I’ll come back when you’re giving out eyeballs.
So I was thinking about it last night, and I figure those bags could probably fit about 5 gallons of blood before streching to the point of breaking. I doubt i’ll test my theory…but just in case it was plaguing Victor…. Just call me Helpy McHelperson.
It would make my day to win a copy of your book!! Thanks for the chance!
…or a glass cow eye… either or 🙂
love to read the new chapter!!
Would love to eyeball (real eyes, no glass….yet) the new chapter – really enjoyed reading the original version. I was kinda missing the little mousie on the cover, but you’re awfully cute, too. As for bodies under the bed – I’d say a least a gross (a gaggle?) of dust bunny carcasses. We’ll leave my fave toe out of this, cuz ticklish.
I think my husband’s trying to kill me… He keeps leaving cabinet doors open… This will be the death of me
“The pet names of your body parts”
Everything gets named Billy Bob … or George.
My second toe is my least favorite. It’s name is Madge. I have no idea how many bodies I could fit under my bed, but I can fit 14 lesbians in a Chevrolet Tahoe. (They stack well) I would love to win an autographed copy of your book! Especially the British version, as I imagine all things British smell like Paul McCartney.
A copy of your paperback with a new chapter that I’m in? Sign me up!
There’s no tribe like this one! 🙂
One word: NathanFillion. You’ll understand why: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=9R6Ibz31DtE
I have two tidbits to share:
1) scrolling down to the bottom of your comments page, the day after a post, on a smartphone is not smart. Your tribe is so big and clever it takes a while to get to the bottom and wears out a finger.
2) If I had glass eyeballs, bovine or otherwise, I would put them in friends cocktails because.
I loved your book! And thanks to it, I am now a follower of your blog. 🙂 Since I borrowed the book from the library to read it, I would be thrilled to win my own copy!
PLEASE come to IL and do a reading! We love you up here!
This week apartmenttherapy.com featured a cute little house with a cute little deer head…. and a minor tempest in a teapot ensued among the commenters. It hasn’t gotten as crazy as when they showed unicorns made out of taxidermy horseheads though… http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/kirstens-bluebird-of-happiness-house-house-tour-188472
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/how-to-decorate-with-unicorns-185612
If you pick my name, I’ll be sending it on to a friend in Copenhagen. I support your plans for world domination, because I prefer you to the other evil overlords out there. (A friend send me a signed copy from Louisville, YAY ANGIE!)
Sign me up!
How will you pick the winner? Will it be truly random, or must it be a truly clever and hilarious comment? Or are you just fucking with us?
I demand an investigation!
I like books!
I’m recently becoming a tribe member. Would love to win.
You know what? I specifically purchased a bed with no underneath so I could no longer put bodies there. Self-discipline, yo.
I love your random conversations with Victor. They are the best! I want to read this so bad! I hope I win.
I would like the book please!
This blog is the high light of my day. Your book is phenomenal. I couldn’t finish a chapter without tearing from laughter. Don’t ever change!!
By the way, you may be able to hold about 32 gallons of blood in a garbage bag. That is unless you get the really big ones, but then that would just be too heavy to carry. You’re better off with medium ones. Easier to transport after you’ve hidden the body parts under your bed.
…..wow I’ve put way to much thought in to this…
I think I would need a few boxes of glass eyeballs. I am pretty clumsy and would probably break them often.
It’s allergy season. One side of my nose is clear and dry and happy. The other side is a congested snot machine. This is my life.
I don’t have any favorite toes. My son threw up next to his bed this morning and I stepped in it. A nice book would make me feel better! 🙂
I just started reading this post in a British accent before remembering that I AM British.
This shows just how much I follow your instruction!
I would love love love to win a book but mostly so that I can buy one and carry it around in my bag getting all scuffed up showing people all the best bits and so the other, AUTOGRAPHED ONE(!!!) can stay home to sit on my shrine… I mean shelf.
Yay, Jenny! xx
p.s. Please come to the UK! xx
I’ll enter! Thanks!
Hmmm my car is a 3rd generation bipolar cross-dresser? It’s got 2 personas, “Mair” and “Steve”. Mair was some chick in Irish lore I read about when I was 15. She fell in love with this guy, sent him bewitched acorns to make him fall in love with her, but he ended up planting them and a tree grew.
That was baaasically my life’s story in terms of dating in high school.
Steve was the name of an character on a TV show that made me giggle. Pretty uninspired, really!
Favorite toe, bwahaha! I definitely named my fingers at one point to try to keep myself from biting my fingernails. It didn’t work. Thank you for the chance to win a copy of your book!
Love the cover!
Might as well throw my hat into the ring. I LOVED your book!
I can’t fathom why “vintage glass cow eyeballs’ isn’t a phrase I’ve used in my life. The rest of this week, I will focus on finding the perfect opportunity to invoke it.
I just found out that there is a bad ass fish with teeth that can live out of water for several days. I feel like every fear I ever had about water is now justified, including when I shower I am covering myself in millions of little bacteria and parasites. Its like a party but with invisible friends.
Pick me, pick me! I’ve always wanted a glass cow eye!
show me your yip-yips!
I have a high bed. I think I could fit maybe 32 bodies under there.
The only person in my house who hasn’t read your book is our auxiliary cat, Kevin. I’m pretty sure the springer spaniel read it while we were at work – she wants her own squirrel now.
Once I woke up and found my friend peeing on my carpet.
This is awfully discriminatory against people with no toes, not that I don’t have toes but if I didn’t I’d probably be upset that you’re asking me to comment about them. Although, with no toes I feel like I’d have bigger things to be worrying about.
Furthermore, what if the favourite pet name of somebodies body part was the toe(s) they lost and you just brought back a furry of terrible toe dismemberment accident memories. This is a slippery slope Miss Lawson.
Oh and as for the bodies, I think you’re missing the real question. How many MORE bodies can you fit under your bed? The answer is zero…because there are too many glass cow eyeballs under there.
In all seriousness though a copy of the British version would be wonderful. I’ve lent my copy out and am worried I’ll never see it again. You’d think I would have learned the first time I lent it to somebody…
My daughter going stir-crazy on her third day home from school due to a (thankfully mild) concussion. The concussion means she can’t read, write, or do much of ANYTHING, which really sucks.
She has a concussion because a friend hugged her on Monday.
The fact that my daughter ended up with concussion-by-hugging does not seem to surprise many of my friends; apparently this says a bit about me
We won’t contemplate exactly what 🙂 Safer for all…..
I think my cat Wampuss would LOVE a couple of glass eyeballs to play with and since I spent 4 years of my childhood in England I’d LOVE to have a UK copy of your book! Thanks for being you!
I kept getting fussed at for reading your book on my Kindle in bed because I would alternately laugh and cry. Apparently that keeps my partner up. Whatever. I told him that there was a good chance you and I were separated at birth or something because I found a kindred spirit in reading. Would love the chance to read the extra chapter.
We have one of those low to the ground IKEA beds, so I doubt I can fit any bodies under there. Although one of the cats hides under there whenever anyone comes over, so there’s that. Now, once we finish remodeling (ugh) and move into our new bedroom, that bed can easily fit 10-20 depending on how high up I put the frame. 🙂 Not that I’ve counted.
Hmm, I would love to give this to my wife for Mother’s day. And then I can read it first 🙂
I absolutely loved your book and I would love to have a copy of my own!
My family has always had pekingese dogs. They are literally so cute with their bug eyes and looking like they ran into a brick wall. My first puppy we had when I was little was named Mr. Foo. The one we have now is Ching Lee. Can you see the pattern here? I won’t even give the names of the ones my mom had because they are just as hilarious. The pattern is Chinese names for Chinese dogs.
My wife introduced me to your book and I think it’s awesome! I’m sure she’d love the autographed book, British or otherwise, so this is for her. Also, while I get that anxiety disorder is horrible and crippling, it’s good that you can laugh about it.
We got a new cat because of the awesomeness of Hunter S. Tomcat.
I just started reading this post in a British accent before remembering that I AM British.
This shows just how much I follow your instruction!
I would love love love to win a book but mostly so that I can buy one and carry it around in my bag getting all scuffed up showing people all the best bits and so the other, AUTOGRAPHED ONE(!!!) can stay home to sit on my shrine… I mean shelf.
Yay, Jenny! xx
p.s. Please come to the UK! xxx
So, after a rather harrowing experience at a budget furniture store, my husband and I found a nice set of drawers. They were delivered last night, and I love them so much that I *may* have rubbed my naked body on them. 🙂
Plus, I would love an autographed copy of your book! And, since it’s the UK version, I’m guessing I won’t have to listen to my Kiwi husband complain that half the words are spelled wrong. 😉
Your blog is my home page at my office. It is the first thing I see when I get to work and when I can start my day with you, it makes everything else liveable! Thank you!
That font is a tragic error and an insult to fonts everywhere.
I would love a glass cow eyeball. But I would also love one of your books. I’ve been following the blog for awhile and often get weird looks from co-workers when I burst out laughing at the things you write.
This. I want this. I’d also like to comment about my artificial hip joint, which I’ve had since I was 15, and contrary to all my fears has not impeded my (sex) life in any way.
What if Cinderella had a glass eyeball instead of a slipper? Would the prince still chase after her? Would the step sister poke out her eyeball to get a chance at getting some prince meat?
Are there extra u’s in words like colour and neighbour? Because I totally had tea and scones today and I still feel like I could be a bit more British! (I almost said “pretentious” but I didn’t want to offend anyone.)
If you send me a signed copy of your book, I will take it on a sight-seeing trip around New York City and send you pictures of our adventures together! 🙂
Hmmm. Glass eyeballs? I think I could fit a lot of them under my bed except that my mattress is directly on top of box springs on the floor so there’s not really any space for them. If there were, though, the square footage would definitely be enough to store more small glass spheres than anyone’s extended family could use in a lifetime.
Since I found your blog my life is much more satisfied. I don’t know what would happen to me if I read your book. But I’d love to find out.
Well, considering one of my cats pretty much lives under my bed, I would gander to say that probably one OR two, if they’re midgets. Erm, little people. Don’t want to be offensive, you know.
IWantIWantIWantIWantIWantIWantIWantIWantIWantIWantIWant
As for dead bodies under the bed: Well, I do have a king size bed so that would lead you to believe I could hide all sorts of bodies under there. But. I have sock drawers. They take up a fair amount of room. I think I could still fit two, full sized adults under there if I scrunched them.
I accidentally sent a porn selfie to my dad and mom the other night when I took a pic of my just fed baby (nip slip). I want a retract button for email. Instead I had to send an all caps email. delete, delete, delete.
They’ve been showing her pics to everyone; I didn’t want him to get fired! Plus…awkward.
I wish I was one of those cool people who have body parts nick-named. I’m not. I don’t have a favorite toe either. I do however have kick ass power tools and I put together a new pantry in my kitchen over the weekend. Yes I did. I installed four shelves that are four feet long and 16 inches deep. I’m going to get one more because four just isn’t enough. I have cookbooks that need a home too! Kind of exciting to see changes to the kitchen I’ve been living in for the last 12 years! It makes me want to do more! Tear out the cupboards and put in new! New tile, new back splash! YES! Power Tools! YES!
While I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed, I do know that I can fit two adult sized bodies in the trunk of my car with room for implements.
All day yesterday I thought it was Thursday, and that today was going to be Friday. Someone finally told me last night that it was really only Wednesday, making today Thursday. I’m pretty disappointed.
This is my first comment. I check your blog daily and think you are so amazing and funny!! I am so happy for your continued success!!
My 2nd toe on both feet is my favorite, it’s way longer than the others. Thanks for making me smile.
An elderly homeless man was begging for coins. My 5yo daughter gave him the dandelion she had been walking around with. I thought he was going to spit on her.
The end.
Yesterday I announced in the middle of the office (where I am an attorney at a small law firm) that I was going on errands and that I was going to buy squirrel tail because I was all out.
Also, I don’t have a favorite toe because I love them all equally. And I could probably fit 8 or so bodies under my bed. And as the daughter-in-law of a taxidermist, I’d say that the number of glass eyeballs one needs in a lifetime is infinite.
Comment on anything huh? The best I’ve got right now is that my son says he loves me “because you have a really cool toothbrush…. and you play with me sometimes.” So now I need to go find actually cool toothbrushes so that my son will continue to love me.
If I win, I will give away the copy I already own and keep the autographed British version. Vote for Meeeeee!
An eyeball story (only I wish it would have been glass eyeballs!!)
My sister worked at a pork processing plant years ago and while I was home getting ready to go out with my boyfriend I was in the bathroom sitting on the toilet and she throws open the door and throws something at me. Looking down at my naked thighs I realize that she has thown pig eyes on me and they are stuck to my thigh!! In my attempt to get them off me I run out of the bathroom with my pants at me ankles, because I can’t touch them of course, just to reach the living room and trip. One of the eyeballs splattered under me and when I look up the next door neighbor was sitting on the couch.
Yeah, she isn’t my favorite sibling! This happened 20 years ago and I’m still plotting my revenge.
I would LOVE a copy or 6! Or a box of cow eyeballs. Whatevs you have extra of laying around. XO
I can fit 10 bodies under my bed. 15 if I’m creative.
I convinced my husband yesterday that instead of more landscaping, what our backyard really needs is a giant metal chicken. He high-fived me for that. Thank you.
Thank you for being you. I know it sounds sappy, but it’s true.
I would love to win a copy of your book.
Oooh I’d love a copy. I have no comments on toes or other body parts. Almost disappointed you’re not giving away glass cow eyeballs though, I think my cats would have a fine time with those. Although the way their toys disappear into the black holes under the furniture I think I’d need about a bazillion.
Speaking of eyeballs I think I just heard my husband rolling his eyes …
There are times when I say something amusing to someone else and its completely unintentional. I have no idea why someone would even find it funny. Then there are times I make an attempt a humor and I get are sidelong glances and people shifting to move away. I think I’m in need of humor lessons.
I’m not looking to be entered in the contest, since I’ve already gotten your autograph in my copy of the book, plus a one-of-a-kind Geek-A-Week™ card, making me officially lucky beyond any reasonable levels of karmic distribution. I just wanted to say that I had NO idea that glass cow eyeballs could be vintage, or that cows ever even HAD glass eyes. I’ve yet to see a taxidermized cow, in fact. Which confirms my already existing suspicion that my life experiences have been far too limiting thus far. I need to go think on this for a bit.
My favorite Tow was of the M6 when my cars engine exploded.
Given it’s taken me 4 months to scroll to the end of the comments, if someone has already made that joke, I apologize, but to me it was original……
I have a bad habit of making grumbly noises in my alter ego’s voice (his name is Marcus) while I’m doing tasks around the house or at my university. I usually just get strange looks and people probably think I need mental help…I already know this so step off…but the other day someone said something quite exciting to me. A guy walked up to me and said,”You sound like the Cookie Monster.” Naturally all I said back was, “Oh! I’m honored.” Then neither of us said anything and I stared at him until he walked away. Social skills are overrated.
I don’t actually like any of my toes…..I hate my feet. My trainer tells me my best body feature is my shoulders. I call them Samantha and Juanita. That is a complete lie, I don’t call them anything. They just sit there looking nice.
Because you are awesome and so am I! Funny, funny, funny shit all the time.
I’d like two glass cow eyeballs. Then I could tell everyone I had one, and hide the other one for surprises.
Just a pair, that’s all I ask. 🙂
Comment. May I have a book now? 😛
I really like the new cover for the UK edition. Hope all is going well with your new home. Thanks!
I would love to read the new chapter!! I laughed and cried reading the book. At one point I was laughing and crying so hard I had trouble breathing….but it was totally worth it!!
Yes! I love contests where I could potentially win an autographed copies of one of my favorite books ever!
Please note my favorite toe is the second-to-last one on my right foot. I fractured a growth plate during swim practice when I was four years old, and as a result it’s actually SMALLER than the pinky toe.
If I win an autographed copy of your book, I will paint a mustache on my favorite toe and send you a picture. {Toe} pinky promise.
I like the new title font, it looks like creepy hands are trying to grab you. Makes sense.
So I know it’s all random and stuff, but I need to win because I loaned my hard copy book to someone who is apparently no longer my friend who ignored my email request to get my book back. Bitch.
The beginning of March, I lost a battle with the meat slicer and sliced off my middle finger nail on my left hand. It’s nearly two months later, and my nail has nearly grown out. Thus ends my time of having a forked finger nail that catches on everything. You know you wanted to know!
Twelve.
And I would especially LOVE the UK version of the book, it would fit in my with odd Anglophile tendencies. And I can read it after watching Doctor Who.
Sometimes you just have to stick random things in a blender, and then calmly walk out of Sears.
I just have to try! I love the book and your site.
OMG! That is a HUGE amount of comments. And I just can’t post the names I have for body parts.
I love my Kindle version of your book and hope I win a copy of the UK version. You are awesome!
You make me laugh, laugh, laugh ~ I’ve love an autographed copy of your book!
Do you have a stuffed fox yet? I saw one on Ebay that had soulful eyes. But he costs $450!!!
I clearly need this. And a glass eyeball – not necessarily cow (I’m not picky)…
I’m torn. I really want an autographed copy of your book. But, it feels like a waste to give a book to a woman who doesn’t have time to read because she has a three-year-old-child and a three-month-old puppy. Because, between the two of them, I never actually get to read. Unless both of them are asleep at the same time. Which never happens. Except at night. When I try to read and, instead, fall asleep. Because I am so exhausted from taking care of the puppy and the child. I must have been insane to get a puppy when I had a three-year-old child. Oh, who am I kidding? I was always insane. This is just the latest manifestation. Could I maybe trade one or both of the young ones in on a jar of glass eyeballs? I could read them stories. From your book! I bet the eyeballs would appreciate it. More than the puppy and the child do, anyway.
I love your site! Finding someone who enjoys decorating taxidermy made me as happy as the time i found out that the narwhal is a real living creature. Thanks for showing me that I am not the only person out there that finds humor in what others find dark or bizarre! “Normal” is as useless as a poop flavored lollipop!
The Queen’s country will never be the same.
Good job, Jenny.
You’re an inspiration.
To the lonely girls who feel unpretty and unloved.
The disenfranchised.
The people who think their family is alone in its madness.
Keep up the nutty work.
My sister gave me your book for my birthday last week! I’m a few chapters in and I’m already in love. Would love a signed copy, too!
I imagine someone could use some glass cow eyeballs to create some sort of baby mobile. just think, you could use it when baby gets older as some sort of scaring mechanism…”the cows are watching you, so you better go to sleep! or they’ll tell me!”
since you didn’t come to Seattle on this tour I couldn’t stand in line for 3 hours to say hello. Just sayin.
I had a whole conversation with someone who had read your book and not your blog the other day. I strongly advised her to check out the blog too 🙂
I think everyone needs a guitar like this. Or a Giant Metal Chicken.
http://www.allcoolshit.com/2012/03/old-star-wars-toys-make-pretty-awesome.html
I think if we’re talking over a lifetime, I could probably find at least 30 uses for some glass eyeballs.
Sometimes I decide not to open your posts at work. And some days I think ‘pictures of unicorns kissing, what could go wrong?’ Today was one of those days – but thanks for the giggles! I feel like I should read this book and have lots more giggles.
Yesterday I came into work with a huge gash on my forehead, and everybody was like, “What happened to your FACE?”, and I was kind of insulted because I had spent a lot of effort putting on a cute outfit that morning, and everybody ignored how pretty I looked in favor of spending time ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the massive bruise/bloody mess a shelf in my garage had made of my forehead. Some people are just so oblivious it hurts.
I need this book for my three year old daughter. I plan on teaching her how to read with it. It’s going to be a great success and her vocabulary is going to advance so rapidly! I’m also going to make a motion to have it adopted on the preschool’s reading list.
You could use the glass eye balls to make a really creepy wreath. You could get all different kind of glass animal eyeballs and variations for different holidays. Rabbit eyes for Easter, of course. And then make a Pinterest Board called – Totally Not Psycho Crafts. I’d follow that.
Thank you for entertaining me and making me laugh out loud!
I fantasize weekly about running away from home – I would pack this for my journey!
also – how would you even know that they’re COW eyeballs? and not horses? or…goats? mammoths?
How will you ever get through 2904 messages?
My cat Danika adores Hunter S. Thomcat! She loves reading about his antics, then pretends to act like him (or maybe she’s just doing her usual cat thing).
Comment. Comment. Comment. Not enough coffee yet to be clever.
my younger cat is in heat and she is driving me crazy. my older cat isn’t (she’s fixed, as my younger kitty will be soon) in heat, but she likes to randomly jump on top of the kitty. i am trying to decide if this is cruel or funny. “i’m so sorry you’re in heat, Nila, but it’s funny to watch Ember jump on you like a boy kitty and see you’re fierce disappointment.” no…. maybe I should be saying “Sorry, Nila, don’t get your hopes up. And Ember, get off the kitty cat.”
how many glass cow eyeballs.. why all of them of course, you cant have too many.
In my younger days, I was convinced I would right a coffee table book called “Oh the places I can fit.” It would be a photo book with images of me inside the random daily items I could contort my body to fit into. My friend and I came to the conclusion, over sangria, that the liability I might be looking at would overshadow any possible gains. I still consider placing “Can fit into: front loading dryer, floor tom bag (for drum set), rolling luggage of varying sizes, and snowboarding bag” on a resume.
My least favorite toe is definitely my pinkie toe. My second toes are pretty nice though (next to the big toe).
So why do the brits say “bloody” so much. I mean if something is good, it’s “Bloody Good”, I mean unless you are into gore, I don’t think any thing is good if it is bloody. Oh, wait – I like my steak rare – that is kinda bloody – and it is SO good…..
But “Oh Bloody Hell” = now that is something that should be a tag line for a new horror movie.
Anyway – that’s my comment of the day. Your book is a “Bloody Good READ”….. Pat
‘ello Gov’na!
Ok, that’s the best British accent I can do.
You’re hilarious & I’ve made your blog one of my daily reads. I can’t wait to read your book!
I’d love a copy!!
The other day, my husband’s mother gave us his old collection of green army men for our 2-year-old to play with.
Little did we know that the 36 men were actually from 2 separate nations (The Olives and The Jades) and were currently involved in a furious battle against one another! The Olives would push forward, but The Jades managed to hold them off. It was a bloody battle where lives were lost, injuries sustained, and at the end of it all, neither side could really remember what they were fighting for. Hence, peace talks ensued with the remaining soliders, and The Olives and The Jades decided to join together to become one big happy family, aka, The Emeralds. And, as true brothers, they hugged on it.
And then my husband came in the room.
Also, our 2-year-old was already in bed.
Hey, SOMEBODY had to supervise the battle!
is it sad that when I discovered that my cat yacked under our bed I just left it there hoping that it would clean itself up?
Caitlin (per the cover) and I both adore you, we share a last name but are not related!
My story to tell. At work I spend my day in a room with two young women who are planning a wedding using Pinterest and CRAIGSLIST. They actually have used Craigslist to find the male stripper for the bachelorette party. “I cant see his face, but based on what I can see, I think he’s a ginger.” They also discuss (in depth) the appeal of gold glitter over purple glitter. And they occasionally digress to discuss foxes and pig-riding-monkeys as pets. You’d love them. Anyway, I need a copy of your book so that I have something wonderfully weird to entertain me while I’m off the clock.
Woo! I’d love a copy! Also, I put your awesome Xanax poster in my most recent post. Extra points?
I don’t have a favorite toes, but my left calf is an inch bigger than my right one. Actually, even though I write with my right hand the whole left side of my body is better developed. Now I am concerned that I was supposed to be a lefty…
Um, yes please!
And in support of sharing randomness — my favorite part of my body is my nose. I LOVE IT! It is serious perfection.
I’ve been dying (figuratively) to read your book!
You are hilarious! I would love a copy of your book!
I’m pretty sure that once when I was in Japan there was an eyeball in my tofu.
I didn’t even ask about it because this other time I asked about what was in my food the lady serving it started crawling around on the floor making weird noises and acting like she was digging.
I don’t know what I ate at that meal, but I left the eyeball in the dish. Blech.
I love hats. All kinds of hats – newsboy, bowler, slouch, cowboy…all kinds. I even make my own hats (I crochet). But since I just cut my hair super short, I kind of look like a boy in hats. Except for the boobs part. Boys definitely don’t have those. Well, MOST boys.
Also, I have a pink glittery flamingo AND a pink glittery reindeer on my desk. Sometimes they hide in my ivy plant. Sneaky bastards.
Have you found this yet? http://robotshaming.tumblr.com
I like eating celery. I hate wedgies.
My dog’s name is 89. When we’re out, I tell people her name is Spot; people just act too stupid when I tell them her name is 89.
I like to keep a baker’s dozen of glass cow eyes handy at all times…because you just never know. Also, I’d love to win a copy of this book as I am currently hoarding a co-workers copy and I’m sure she’d love to have it back.
Thanks! 🙂
I have a friend w/a glass eye. She has had it since she was 14 and has gone through 3. At 45 I’d say she is mid life so I think it would be safe to say that a life time supply of glass eyes is 6.
My favorite toe was the big toe on my left foot. I broke the toenail at the bed, but it hung in determinedly for quite some time. At first, the entire nail was a lovely frosty blue from the bleeding/bruising underneath, with little flares of crimson at the edges. It looked like I was turning into a zombie, but very, very slowly. After a good month of zombie toe, things went south. The lovely blue turned to rust and the nail eventually gave up its perch. Now it looks more like a Shrek toe, but I’m not nearly as thrilled about slowly turning into an ogre as I was to be slowly turning into a zombie.
I don’t think I’ve named a favorite body part, but can we take this minute to think of all the filler names we have for body parts? If I say “who-ha” you know what I mean. How is that even a thing? I don’t know, but it’s hilarious!
I just want to say that I love your book and blog. It has been my go to place when I need a pick me up. You have helped me to keep laughing at myself. 🙂
using my comment just to tell you how awesomely weird you are. i love it!
There is something really odd about that cover I like a lot. I think it is the font and your curlers. Or the combo thereof.
Your blog is infinitely more entertaining than my busy work.
I took my 89 year-old father to his appointment to get hearing aids. As he got in the booth to have his hearing checked, he said it was like stepping into the Tardis. Coolest.Dad.Ever.
Weill I’ve read it but only have an e-copy so would love an autographed hard copy!
I preordered your book and the bookplate and have shared it with so many peeps, I have no idea, literally, where it went. I would LOVE to have a new copy to read again – AND I promise to share it and spread some Bloggess love in the world.
When I was 14 I was riding my bicycle home from school. I didn’t have a lot of friends, being an awkward introvert who didn’t know how to be social, but I saw a girl who had been nice to me that day, so I waved emphatically at her.
So I missed the car parked in the lane.
Hitting a parked car on my bike and landing on my face was the worst plan ever for getting invited over to a potential friend’s house. Props to her, though: she went and found my tooth in the street for me.
One day my mom texted me askin me what I wanted for dinner. I told her I wanted rabies to which she responded that they were fresh out. Then i asked for babies. And then rabid babies!! My brought home a stuffed animal elephant with whip cream arou d it’s mouth as foam, which is hardly close to a rabid baby. But now I have about 60 stuffed animals.
My dad had a glass eye. He found it in a parking lot. Sometimes when I was a kid, he would wake me up with one hazel eye and one eerily staring brown eye.
In Fairplay, CO there is a trailer full of Beyonce’s redneck cousins which actually looks like a parade float. For photo proof of this, you must send me a copy of your book signed “prove it or it didn’t happen”. Either way, i’ll still send you the photo…but it isn’t as much fun.
Might I ask what the UK publishers have against the mouse on the US cover? Just kidding. Love the new cover!! I want one now.
Yes, please! It is snowing today in Iowa. In May. Please send me happy vibes with book win so I don’t lose my shit.
I like turtles! And would love your book.
I’m wearing new socks!
I can touch my nose with my tongue.
I’m pretty sure I could fit at least one body under my bed. But I have a foam mattress that is currently sitting on the floor, so IF I put just one body under it, it would be kinda lumpy. Perhaps four, stacked across like sardines? It would still be lumpy, but it may be workable. But then my bed would no longer be on the floor! That would be awesome. I’ll ask my husband if he’s cool with the new body bed risers. Oh, and I would LOVE to win an autographed book to give to my wonderful friend who first introduced me to your site. (I won’t send her any bodies per my husband’s/the post office’s request.)
What to talk about? Depression? Too depressing! Instead I’ll wonder what they are up to on some of those planets they are discovering.
My favorite toe is my right pinky toe, it is my favorite because it is normal sized with a normal toe nail and it is my only toe that doesn’t grow hair. Throughout my life, people have compared my feet to both monkey feet and duck feet. I have been asked if I can peel a banana with my feet, if I am good at climbing trees and if I am a good swimmer. The answer to all of those questions is, “yes”.
I want one!! with a picture of a unicorn with glass cow eyeballs
I was just re-reading some of my favorite chapters from “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“ last night. Beyonce – oh my word!
I could probably add a lot of bodies under my bed if I cut them all up into little pieces first. Then I’d have people-mush under my bed.
I have a dog named Tater.. and sometimes I think he’s as smart as one.
Your blog is wonderful!
I could finally share the book with my sisters (who would appreciate most of the family themes) instead of having to ship them my Kindle to read. Love this book, Jenny!
Judging from the size of that box I have a feeling I missed the boat on this one.
But I still have my handy dandy audio version, with fun outtakes at the end. (Nanner Nanner Boo Boo) *Sticks tongue out at winners.
Everytime i drive somewhere I always point out the places where dead bodies could be hidden and not found for days. And then i take a xanax and never go near them because I think there are ALWAYS dead bodies there.
Please pick me to give your book to 🙂
May my tiny voice be heard in a sea of thousands. I would LOVE to have your book. My chances aren’t good but I don’t care. Love you, mean it!
I deserve a book because I’m a Ho. No really, my name is Tiffany Ho. So that doesn’t trump the story about your arm condom but I’m still traumatized. 😛
Would like to replace my eyeballs with glass cow eyeballs because mine feel like spicy pickled onion eye balls that have been sledgehammered and popped casually back in my head. My children are so needy, frustrating, hurtful, extreme, oppositional, obtuse and difficult that I am being crushed. I have cried and cried today and am afraid to make the necessary calls to school because I’m afraid I’m gonna cry again and the school will then be certain that all Mr 14’s troubles are caused by a mother that is obviously losing her shit. Pass the cow eyeballs please. On a cocktail skewer, in a large glass filled with chocolate martinis. BTW I have your book already but know a few folks who would enjoy so win me up a copy already. I’m going for a nap.
I’ve watched someone clean their glass eyeball in their mouth then pop it back into their eye. Then watched his brother in law do the same thing. Thankfully we were all drinking at the time.
I would love a copy of your book, and I can fit zero bodies under my bed because it is one of those with a roll away bed underneat.
Yeah, so it’s 2 am in Sydney right now, do you know how hard it is to type quietly on an iPad while lying next to a sleeping husband? Fingertips on a screen are surprisingly loud. Totally worth it for the chance to win a copy. Living dangerously I tell you, dangerously.
Thanks for the inspiration to decorate my classroom in taxidermy!
I’ve never had to deal with a cow eyeball, real or glass. However, I had a friend who used to take her glass eyeball out to gross people out. It worked very well indeed. Also, I’d love to have a British copy of your book!
I can fit approximately 3 bodies under my bed, except the supports underneath are kind of annoyingly placed under there, so maybe only 2 comfortably. But they’d probably sneeze a lot due to sharing the space with the dust bunnies and dog hair that I try to ignore. Unless they’re dead bodies, and then, no worries about sneezing!
I would love a copy of your book! It’s so good and I want to be able to share the hilariousness with more people. 🙂 Also a quick story about a particular set of eye balls:
When I was in high school my Latin teacher (yes I took Latin. Don’t judge me. I thought it would help my SAT score. Spoiler Alert! It didn’t.) had two lazy eyes. One lazy eye is no big deal, you can always focus on the other one. But two lazy eyes that looked in opposite directions? None of us knew if she was actually talking to us unless she would say our names. Also the rumor was that only one of her eyes actually worked, but which one was a total mystery to us all.
One day we had a prospective student come in to class and our Latin teacher smiled at him and said, “Are you excited to be in class today?” The kid had no idea that she was talking to him and completely ignored her. She repeated the question and he just looked around wondering who she could be talking to. While the kid was looking around she got really close to his face, covered her left eye with her hand and yelled, “IT’S THIS ONE!” The kid honest to goodness yelped like a puppy and fell out of his chair. Needless to say he ended up at a different school. However, we were all grateful for that kid because after that day we always knew to focus our attention on our teacher’s right wondering eye.
Did I miss it? Can I still win? I wish I was witty and random so that I can leave a witty and random comment. My attempts at being witty just end up awkward.
Oddly enough, my dog could have used two of the glass eyeballs, having lost both hers to glaucoma. How cool would that have been? Someone suggested I get her a pair of dark doggles and start calling her “Ray.” Congrats on the outstanding book sales!
And I thank you for having this tribe. One place in the world where maybe I’m not the weirdest or most stressed out. Not that I think that puts me above anybody – it’s just a relief.
I think I could get ten dead bodies under my bed, but then my tiny terrier would spend all day pulling them out, and I’d have to put them back under there again. So None. Because I have better things to do. Like clean up after my tiny terrier.
Glass eyeballs are something else. It depends on how many dogs you have. They are good for rolling on the hardwood floor, but you need at least a couple for each dog so they don’t get in a big fight.
3009 comments is, you know, a fair few. <– For observing
Vive le tribe! <– For celebrating
No matter what anyone tells you, you do NOT have to choose a peanut butter preference. <– For being adamant (and supporting peanut butter pluralism)
Thanks for not only BEING awesome, but SHARING the awesome!
Picked up your book at the Dallas airport on a flight coming home from visiting my boyfriend in San Angelo, TX. Tried not to laugh on the plane but I think the guy next to me thought I was having some type of seizure.
Best part is just days before as we were driving around we’d seen a sign for “Wall” and I turned to my boyfriend and said “Who would live in a town named Wall?”. I guess awesome people like you, who also don’t know throw pillow etiquette. Thanks for the great laugh.
My favorite part of the book was in your “HR” chapter when the guy asked you if it was appropriate for the HR manager to ask him if that was his penis.
I love you – you are hilarious and witty. I would be so happy to get an autographed book!
My 83-year-old grandma had cancer in her eye and had to get a glass eye. It pissed her off because she then had to learn to shoot with the other eye. Those coyotes and skunks weren’t going to stop raiding her chickens cause they felt sorry for the old lady with cancer. Coyotes and skunks can be such assholes.
We have one copy of your book in our home. My twin sixteen-year-old boys and I are pretty much constantly fighting over who gets to read it next.
I am a fairly recent member of this tribe. YOU are the reason I finally broke down and joined Pinterest to the dismay of my husband. Although, I have to admit that we learned quite a few things from Pinterest that have come in handy in our big move.
Yes, we just recently moved to Kentucky and I’m certainly looking for things to engage my mind while I wallow through the loneliness of no real friends here and the search for a job.
My dogs have even managed to make me crazy by tipping the garbage can, eating everything in it and One of them is enjoying a Cone of Shame vacation at the Vets.
I could seriously use a good book to read, I am far behind on my Goodreads goal of 75 for the year.
Thanks
My cat is smart enough to open cabinet doors to get inside, but then he can’t figure out how to get out. He knows door knobs open regular doors, and I think if he had thumbs he could open them, but then once he was playing with a toy on a table, and it fell off the table. He couldn’t figure out where it went.
I can’t tell if my cat is stupid and just knows a few good tricks, or if he’s really a genius and just does the stupid things to keep me from knowing how smart he really is.
My bed has bed risers… so I could fit extra bodies underneath it.
My pet names for my boobs are Frank and Beans…
The right one is Frank. Because I had a lumpectomy, it has a weird scar all along it so we started calling it Frankenboobie… Which got shortened to Frank. Then we decided the other needed a name too. So Beans it is. Both are still fabulous. And it’s fun to draw faces on Frank since the scar is so distinct. But I won’t send you pictures because I think that crosses some line. I usually don’t see that line until I trip over it and I’m like “OOPS! Sorry!” but I caught myself today. 🙂 Thank you for being the Big Chief of the Weird Tribe 🙂
you. are. awesome. I absolutely love reading your blog!
My first thought “where would one buy glass cow eyeballs I think my desk needs some”. Unforunately I’m at work so I do not want to google it, I guess I will wait until I’m home. 🙂
I’ve always kinda wanted to get a taxidermy snake, badger, lion, and raven and put them in robes and fashion wands for them so they can stand and have an epic four way wizards duel. The badger would win. But that’s cus hunney badger don’t care.
Over 3000 comments in 24 hours. Not bad. Not good for my chances of winning, but still…impressive.
I used to feel bad about using hand sanitizer after shaking hands with people during the church service, until the time a kid in back of me whispered to his mom, “I blew my nose, and it was ALL BLOOD.”
Unless the “box” of books was actually a “pallet” and you just used the wrong word, I’m guessing that my chances of winning are about as good as me ever eating alligator.
It’s our bookclub book in July, looking forward to reading it
My favourite toe is the second to last one on my left foot.
And if you hadn’t asked, I never would have known that I apparently have such distinct feelings on the subject.
Pick me pick me pick me pick me pick me!!!
I love your book, and your blog. You’re faaaaabulous, dahling 🙂
My birthday is coming up. I really dont want anything* but would consider it a blessing of taxidermical proportions if I won an autographed copy of your book.
*anything i want is unaffordable, like a yacht
The number of bodies depends on whether I put the junk that is now under the bed away first or not and if I chop the bodies or not. It would probably save space if I did but it would also be messy and hard to clean all the blood …
I’d love to get your book 🙂
Low carb diets are the devil.
Yay for the UK edition and yay for the tribe!
Jenny, I was just released from the psych unit at our hospital last week. My post partum depression got the best of me but I’m all fixed up and on better meds now. I just wanted you to know that while I was in there I read your book. It has helped me claw my way out of a hole a few times. A social worker saw me laughing and asked me about it. I explained and handed it over insisting that it should be mandatory on all psych wards 🙂 after looking through it he said he would pick one up for the floor. I read aloud a few times to some other patients and nurses (they came to see why we were so hysterical) once again you helped me get on the road to being me again and also brought some laughter to others that needed it. Thank You. I don’t need a book, I just wanted to say Thanks 😉
I just ate so much it hurts to breath. I love that feeling.
If I had a bunch of glass eyeballs I would find a way to attach a couple (maybe three) to the back of my head, just to freak people out. If I won a book, I’d read it and love it, I’m sure.
I still like to pretend the ground is lava. At the grocery store. I am 38 years old.
Love my ebook but I’d enjoy a page-book to put under my friends’ noses and doodle in the margins 😉
Funny thing, all the naughty and immature mommies giggle at little league practice when the coach tells the boys “get your balls in here!” Probably he is referring to the baseballs he wants tossed into his bucket, but still!
None of my toes are favorites; they are all short and stubby, but I can use them to open doors and pick things up. It really doesn’t work as a party trick after you get past 40 though… and it’s a lot harder to reach the door knobs. I think they made them higher on the doors than they used to be. Or my legs are shorter. Or something like that.
My fiancé is kind of like Victor, and I’m kind of like you, and he comments on this all the time. In fact we just had a moment where he was more technically advanced than me, because he could figure out how to make the comment box come up, and I couldn’t (not because I’m not smart, just because my phone hates me). I have been part of the Xanax and wine slushie club for years now, and I use your blog as a depression fighting aid by reading archives when depression strikes. I bought the electronic copy of your book the day it was released, and ever since, we’ve been trying to get a signed copy, because I can’t stand electronic copies. I’ll still love you if I don’t get chosen. Thank you.
I’ve been on the wait list for your book at my library for months now. I hope I’m next but I
hope more for a signed, autograph copy! Either way, I love and appreciate your blog!
I love your book and I wish I could write about the crazy ridiculousness of my life, OCD married 30+ years to ADHD. The community you’ve created is an inspiration. Thanks
I reckon I could get 3 bodies under my bed, if I chopped them up fine enough. I already know who they’d be too.
I think we could only get 2 bodies under our bed. We have one of those beds that moves (you know like for old people) so there is a motor under the bed. IT takes up body space.
I don’t fit the bodies under the bed – too much evidence. If I’m going to get rid of someone, they’re going to be GONE – like untraceable. I love reading your blog at work, because it inevitably makes me laugh out loud, and all my co-workers think I’ve lost it. Trouble is, I never had it to begin with.
Is it too late to enter for a book. I’d like to comment on how weird the English are (I should know, I am married to one). That book title is just wonderful looking.
I love matzo crackers. I’m eating one now. I buy them by the case when they’re on sale around Passover.
My favorite toe is not my own toe–it’s my boyfriend’s awkwardly long middle toe. Sometimes I squeeze it because I think it’s funny and feels neat because it’s long and bony. I AM a weirdo.
I stumbled across your blog because of Beyonce the Big Metal Chicken, as I’m sure most did. Then I lost your URL when I changed computers. THEN, this summer, while on the beach I needed a new book so I went through my mom’s Kindle and downloaded your book because I was on a Funny Memoir kick and you came up under ‘Similar to Tina Fey’s Bossypants.’ I was like ,WOAH, this is hilarious! Then, WOAH I HAVE HEARD THIS CHICKEN STORY BEFORE.
Anyways, love your book, and would love an actual print copy! Especially since it’s still on my mom’s Kindle.
I love your blog and have told everyone about it! Keep up the good work.
I’d love to win a copy to read the new chapter!
I enjoy your blog so much, I can only imagine how great your book is!
Hey, I’ve never posted a comment before.
I think the maximum number of glass cow eyeballs one could use in a lifetime would only be limited by the number of taxidermied cows you can fit in the yard. I have a pretty small lot and a really bitchy HOA (which if you have a Carolinian accent like I do sounds exactly like we say whore – ho ah) so I probably can’t have more than 20 cows because they have to be confined to the back yard, and there is not much grass back there. They wouldn’t look natural in the woods, since your cow is a grassland critter,not a forest dweller. So I’m going to go with 40 glass cow eyeballs. Unless you need to replace them from time to time. Is there an owners manual? What is the expected service interval for a glass eyeball? So many questions that I could waste a lot (more) time looking for answers on the internet – since that is what it is for other than cat pictures. Remember when the internet was all about porn? We live in a weird country. Is it being too familiar if I say we? I mean, we’ve never met in person. I sort of know a lot about you though, because you write about yourself pretty regularly. Which is nice, from my point of view because normally I’d have to stalk someone for months before i knew as much about them as I know about you. Which sounds creepy even if you just type it for comic effect. How long can a comment be? Who am I asking?
Anyway, I really enjoy your blog, particularly your conversations with your husband. I have your book, so you if you were thinking of sending me one, you should send it to the guy that writes “ANIMALS TALKING IN ALL CAPS” instead, because he is also funny, and he lives in Scotland – which is technically still part of the United Kingdom (for now), and he seems really nice.
Cow eyes are huge, so I’m assuming glass cow eyeballs must be really heavy. Otherwise, I’d use them to make earrings.
Loved your book! Would LOVE an autographed one. Also as a fellow whovian I wanted to let you know that I just purchased a decal for my back windshield that says police public call box just like on the TARDIS!
You are hilarious and amazing and you make my day!
Whatever shall I comment about?
I really need this book…you should pick me.
I’m in! This fills me with delicious piggies! 🙂
There is a monster under my bed. He is large and furry and takes up the whole space and he has several pointy ends. His name is Jack. It’s a nice friendly name. But he’s not. He’s been with me since I was 6 and got my first “off the ground” bed. He won’t go away. He likes to tug my toe just as I’m finally falling asleep. Every. Damn. Time. He’s partial to my big toe. My left big toe. I can understand why, it’s my favorite toe too. It has a tattoo on it so it’s a little sassier than the others. But it’s a bit of a bully. It uses it’s size to intimidate the others and make them fall in line. I like to watch it work. One time I woke up before it did and the other toes just hung around doing nothing. I really had to pee but lazy toes made me have to lurch the bathroom in the most undignified manner. It eventually woke up, but by then it was far too late. Anyways… wait, what was I talking about?
I have a body part nicknamed Jessica, but I’m not saying which one. That is all.
I LOVED your book, and would love to have an autographed copy to keep forever. You are delightful to read, both in print and on your blog.
And I don’t have a favorite toe; its not nice to play favorites you know. Toes have feelings too!
My favorite toe is my second toe on my right foot (equivalent to the pointer finger) because I can “wave it” or “beckon” with it. That’s the only toe that does tricks so all the others are useful for balance, or something silly like that.
I’ve never tried to stuff any bodies under my bed but if my husband keeps rolling up his socks and delicately placing them around the house, as if making them into the smallest ball possible and gently sitting them on the kitchen table (*I know, gross*) will somehow make them invisible, I will soon know if at least one male body fits under there. I will report back.
A new tShirt idea
“Cancer sucks ass, Chemo is the F#$%!”
just sayin….
If you choose me, I might just share my recipe for mint julep slushies with you in time for Derby day. I’m a Kentucky girl, I know a thing or two about mint julep slushies…
i would love to win!! i wasn’t able to meet you in person to get a signed copy – i had debilitating anxiety the day you were in town and was really sad i couldnt get it together to go, but i remembered your story about not meeting amanda palmer and then felt better, like you would understand.
however, i have spread your message FAR AND WIDE, and have introduced everyone i know to your book, including my boss’s boss (!), who i bet is going to love it, although she was probably wondering why i was talking about taxidermy and deer sweaters when we were trying to be all professional and shit.
i also have given my copy away to someone who told me – i dont understand what you are so anxious about. your life is fine!! i laughed, and then told them to read your book.
i am also pretty sure i have deadly skin cancer right now (seriously, these crazy moles from no where on my face all the sudden) and i am going to the dermatologist next week. in the meantime, one of my friends (a standup comedian) has promised me if i do die from this, she will do standup at my funeral. ‘Wow, tough crowd. No point not to laugh though, SHE can’t hear us anyway!’
xoxoxoxoxoxox ^_^
My favorite toe is my big toe, which I feel is boring because probably everyone likes their big toe… I can fit about three bodies under my bed but they have to be very skinny bodies, no curvy people under there – which is actually kind of sad cause I’m a curvy girl and if I ever had to hide under my bed I’d be screwed. But that’s okay because my house has a lot of cabinets. And closets. SO there’s that. Also, I’d LOVE a signed copy of your book because I keep lending out your book to my friends so I’d like to have my own copy to hide under my bed with all of the bodies. I mean… there’s no bodies under there. None. Seriously.
there once was a writer named Jenny
who had crazy stories a’ plenty.
the stories are rib-tickling,
twine, unicorns, anything.
she’s the taxidermy cognoscente.
I could probably fit 4 bodies under my bed…but the cat would probably get mad and suffocate me in my sleep…or she’d stop playing Tom & Jerry with our new friend the field mouse and leave it on my pillow as a warning. Unless I gave her a vintage glass cow eyeball which would make her very happy I am sure.
Your blog always brightens my day!
A movie quote for the day: “Isn’t that the idea? To build a better mouse trap? — Not if YOU’RE the mouse.”
Doesn’t have anything to do with glass eyeballs, taxidermy, metal chickens, Xanax, Dr. Who, or sexy unicorns…sorry. 🙂
I don’t think you can accurately predict how many glass eyeballs a person uses in a lifetime, because everyone’s doors may be a different size. We use glass eyeballs to cover the inside of our coat closet door, so that when we have company and say “Oh just hang your coat in the closet there.”, our guests are thus greeted when they open that door and I’m sure it gives them such a warm You Are Never Alone feeling. You’re welcome.
However, my current coat closet door is not a standard entry door size, but is instead a narrow 1950’s pantry door. So that takes X amount of eyes. But what if someone has a bigger door? Or what if I move? Do I take all those eyes with me for my next coat closet? Or do I leave them there and purchase new ones? I probably have to leave them, because you know that feature will be a big selling point for the house, and would probably be specifically noted in the purchase agreement. I need to think about the resale value and not my selfish nostalgia for the eyes we have. We can make new memories with new eyes.
But anyway, it’s just a really subjective question.
I bought your book, read it in a day and immediately mailed it to my sister-in-law. I would LOVE a copy of your book, autographed by you. I’d love a copy of your book autographed by anyone, since I no longer have a copy, but I’d feel especially giddy if it were autographed by you.
And, as for the (non-existent?) glass eyeballs: I’m a middle school librarian. What COULDN’T I do with a load of glass eyeballs??? It would be such a great end to the school year, stuffing them in lockers and using them as prizes for reading programs. Our school has a pool – what if I emptied the water and filled it with the eyeballs? OH MY GOD. I really need glass eyeballs!
Also –
My uncle is a crazy artist who makes life-sized figures covered in nails or leaves or doing really weird creepy stuff, and he uses and ASTOUNDING amount of glass eyeballs. I guess they actually come from people who died, or who got replacement eyeballs (your head changes shape i guess and every few years you need a new eyeball?), and he said the hardest part is getting two eyes that look the same for each person he is making. he has the life sized people all over his apartment now.
I also have a relative who has a glass eye, and he pops it out to scare people. It is pretty creepy.
I only recently found your blog, but have stayed up far too many nights reading it and laughing hysterically, do the dismay of my husband. He doesn’t seem to find the pictures of dressed up taxidermied animals as funny as I do. I would love to have a copy of your book! Winning it would make it even better!
I’d love to win
I want a copy! Lets see, bodies under the bed…… King size bed, on bed risers so I can stack two deep for normal sized people. hummmm probably 20 adults or 40 kids?
I need to make something very clear: I typed a well thought out comment to post here about glass eyeballs, and somehow it posted in an older post from 2011. And now my words make no sense. I am crying in my eyeballs right now.
Truth? It was random letters and numbers, but whatever, the point is I feel really stupid right now.
I imagine I am way too late for a book or an eyeball (both thoughtful and welcome gifts), but I was away watching big fish having sex. Lake sturgeon are busy spawning in northern Wisconsin, which is something amazingly and prehistorically cool. Kind of like unicorn sex but more three-dimensional and with splashing. Happy Bestseller to You!!
it’s on my amazon wishlist…getting a free copy would help with that!
If I had glass cow eyeballs I would get fired from my restaurant. This is why I wont let myself but googly eyes. Why would I need to fit dead bodies under my bed? This is what backyards and trash bags are for.
Darn!
It’s so hard to leave a message through a phone browser, but anyway that’s not why I’m writing, I do get sidetracked too, I just want a copy of your autographed book to give it to a friend, well OK, I might keep it for myself, but I already have my own copy, and since my kid thinks that Super Mouse it’s awesome, I might not keep the one that If get lucky you’ll send. Anyway, just wanted to write with no censorship, it’s very liberating I thought you might understand.
I’ve often thought that if I ever lost an eye I’d have a collection of strange glass eyes to mess with people. A mirrored one, a solid black one, maybe an LED glowy one, an eye of sauron… The possibilities are endless.
We listened to the audio version of your book on a long car trip, and it was amazing. The outtakes at the end had us saying “VAGINA!” for weeks, for no good reason, an act of which I figured you might approve.
Also, the OCDness of that raccoon in shorts is priceless, and now a symbol of anything “OMG I want to stop but I can’t DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH IT I’LL DO IT FOREVER plz halp!” in our lives. Most people would be surprised how much of that is in our lives, but I suspect it wouldn’t surprise you at all. ^_^
If won, we would treasure this book always, and keep it with our glass eyeball collection as tribute to you.
I can’t quite figure out if glass cow eyeballs would be for if you wanted to taxidermy a cow, or for when a cow has had some sort of disfiguring accident, and needs a prosthetic glass eye so that the other cows won’t think he looks funny. I think the second option is way more awesome, but something tells me that isn’t quite right.
oooh pick me! pick me!
God help me, I read my kids (10 and 12) edited versions of your blog and book. And they roll on the floor with such delightful/maniacal laughter that I can’t stop even though I know it will probably screw them up. (Actually my son has severe anxiety order and he is comforted by some of your stories and feels a little more “normal”). Point is: I am risking my children’s future ideas of what “normal” are just to get you a little more exposure. So I think I deserve that extra chapter.
I could use this book. For a lot of things, probably, but mostly reading.
It’s fucking snowing in May and I am mad at my husband. I would love some fake glass eyeballs to flood the inside of his car. Make his ride to work more pleasant in the morning.
I’ve never followed a blog. I found your book in a Barnes and Noble. When I picked it up, I just turned to a random page and started reading. I read that conversation you had with your husband about GPS for stupid people and I knew that I had to get the book. Now yours is the first and only blog I follow. BTW, they found evidence of cannibalism at Jamestown, how cool is that!
I’d love one! I could show it to people and brag about how we met and I asked if I could nom on your face….not in a cannibalistic way, but in that “oh my God I just love you so goddamn much” sort of way….and you said yes and then signed my book. And they’d never have to know that the noms were via the interwebs.
Om nom nom
I bought your book for my friend thinking when she finished it that she’d give it to me, but she’s not, so I need to win my own copy!
If I were an animal I would be either a green sea turtle, a cheetah or maybe a leopard.
All my toes are ugly, but if I had to choose, I’d say the two little ones. But I don’t know which of the two are my favorite favorite. 😉
I should win a copy because I love unicorns and Dr. Who. And what could be more deserving than that?!?!?!
Of course it’s still a best seller – you’re Just. That Awesome. And I still need a foreign copy to complete my set!
I don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but I can fit a shitload of them in the trunk of my car! I’ll try the bed thing and get back to you.
I would like a copy of your book.
Random innocuous statement that could be salacious if said in the right tone of voice:
The window washer will need access . . . to your office.
(Sorry. These are the types of emails that go out at work. I must amuse myself somehow.)
Well I have to think that how many bodies fit under my bed depend on the size of the bodies. Are we talking my 3 year old? My 7 year old? My newborn baby niece? Me? Significantly less of me than the other 3, that I know for sure.
Thanks, I would love a chance to win.
Reading your book was a real AHA! moment for me. I honestly didn’t think other people had similarly bizarre upbringings and/or brains to mine. I think you’re awesome and I’d really like to be part of your tribe. I’d also love a signed copy of your book but now the earlier comment reads like mercenary flattery. Which it is. But only by about 20%.
I think I shall comment about commenting and that in itself will be a comment! 🙂
My husband and I totally had a movie moment a while ago where we were both like “I found the best blog! You would love it!” And then were both like “It’s called The Blogess!” And then we were like “Aww, we are perfect for each other.”
I’ll make you a deal: Give me a book and I’ll make my sister and mom purchase their own copies. Or maybe I’ll buy it for them. I haven’t decided. Either way, we all win. Pick me!
I want to win a copy for my mom, because she gave me her sick, sick sense of humor and she would loooove your book.
She would also love some glass cow eyeballs. She has a vintage prosthetic leg hanging in her living room that she once brought back as a souvenir from a trip. She also has a lot of cow paraphanelia since she used to raise cows. These bits of information would be more useful if you were giving away glass eyeballs too, I realize.
I don’t know about under a bed, but living on a farm with multiple barns gives her the ability to hide more bodies than anyone I know.
She so deserves a signed copy of your book.
Who doesn’t want a whole box full of vintage glass cow eyeballs? What else do you give to trick-or-treaters?
I’d love a signed copy of your book. I’ve only read it on my Kindle because my husband is pretty much against anything that could potentially be considered clutter. So if I win and he gives me grief when it arrives, I’ll refer him to your post about how Beyonce came to be your guard/creeper chicken and kindly explain that there are much larger and much weirder things I could manage to have someone from the internet send me for free.
I laughed so hard when I was reading your book on an airplane that the stranger sitting next to me had to ask me if I was okay because she wasn’t sure if I was laughing or crying. 😀
I want one…. thanks
Love the book! My bed goes to the floor so it is not really a great storage area for dead bodies, but I do have a crawl space and an attic that have lots of room.
Me please. I got a pedicure.
So happy i found this blog! Not only the chance to win free things (yay!) but a little bit of laughter every day. 🙂
Amazing that you can get 3000 more comments than usual by just telling people you’ll give them a copy of your book! It is “some,terrific,radiant and humble” book!
Read your book and now I am addicted to your blog. In fact, I have been buying your book and giving it as gifts to friends (and enemies? nemeses?). We ate at a cool place near Asheville, NC. If you ever do a tour there, check it out. Lots of taxidermied art and a plethora of gnomes. Not to mention, great German food and beer. 😉
http://www.bavariandining.com/
Love the wild boar at the entry!
In the battle for world domination between unicorns and zombies, one would need 318 glass eyeballs. Or 491. There is intra-office debate going on about that one.
I have the e-book version…but a physical copy would be better than bee’s knees/unicorn farts/kitten cuddles/digging that really annoying booger out of your nose/eating an entire pint of ice cream/hugs (not the creepy ones, the good ones)/laying in bed watching netflix all day/and anything else you could imagine!
I enjoy your blog, but have not had the privilege of reading your book!
Give something away for free and you’ll have more vintage glass cow eyeballs than you could possibly read, er, need.
Oh great tribal leader (that’s you Jenny), I am greatly torn over this tome you are offering. On the one hand, I want, need, MUST have it so I can read the new chapter…..on the other hand, if I am not in the new chapter, I will have a large sadness emenating from within my being…..aw hell, who am I kidding, WANT BOOK WANT BOOK WANT BOOK. 🙂 Thank you for your awesomeness.
I already bought three copies of this book, but I keep loaning them out and not getting them back!
You made my day with your “in my defense I’m lazy” comment. I’m totally stealing that!
In my defense, I’m too broke right now to buy he paperback to read the extra chapter, so I’d love to win it! I promise to read the extra chapter in a British accent, since it is the UK version. And I’d love a glass cow eyeball, just ’cause.
I have an autographed copy of the US version and regularly perform dramatic readings with props for my Father. (He is a mighty big fan of yours and now has yet another reason to be terrified of squirrels.) My English sister desperately needs a signed copy of the UK version. As I type this plea, Debi is presently flying to the US for family fun and the Derby with an ETA of 5:11 pm EST. Can you imagine the duets we would be able to perform if we each possessed autographed versions? Interpreters may be required. I’m from Tennessee and she is from Essex. My drawl plus her cockney rhyming slang…this would be one heck of a gift to her and those we torture every, single day.
I hate my job. Reading your blog is the highlight of my work day. Please send me your book, so I can continue to be entertained by you on company time. Oh, and I would use two eyeballs, so I could tape them to the back of my head. That way when I tell my kids “I’ve got eyes in the back of my head” they will see I’m not bullsh*tting them.
Looking back at my comment, I am mortified that I wrote “right” when I clearly meant WRITE…..on an author’s blog….in effort to get a copy of her book…. This is what I get for doing this at work.
*crawling into the nearest hole now.
I loved your book, I love your blog and I’d love your book again! Seriously it’s one of the only books that have made me actually laugh out loud. I was the weird girl in the break room giggling all alone. And I don’t care!
Thank you for sharing you life with us.
I loaned my pre-purchased auto-graphed book plate copy to my mother-in-law, (a most prized possession) with full warning of the contents. A few weeks later she wrote a scathing book review on goodreads and said she had to put it down after page 82. I would like to get a copy (autographed again, please!) to either 1) replace the one I loaned if she decides to burn it instead of giving it back OR 2) Give it to her for Mother’s Day.
And…I would NEVER hide a body under my bed. Have you NOT read Stiff?
I read about Beyonce` at a time when I was approaching my 15th wedding anniversary and it made me laugh but also made me cry because I knew that my marriage wasn’t going to make it far past the 15 year mark, if at all. Your blog is the first thing and sometimes the only thing I have time to read EVERY DAY!!!! I have turned alot of my friends on to you and your blog. Keep it up!!!
Dear jenny, I love you and your glass eyeballs.
I am not feeling particularly funny today. Perhaps winning your book and subsequently reading it will instill enough wackiness that I can leave a humorous comment.
I’m pregnant. It’s miserable. Here’s hoping for bed rest and something good to read?
My cat just threw up.
What about a picture of a glass cow eyeball? Or a drawing of one, in the book. That’d be almost as good. Almost.
I would love to give you money for your book, but as my employment status or lack there of has so far prevented me from this wee splurge, I would be thrilled to win an autographed copy! Maybe it would change my luck! I suspect a clumsy beginning juggler might go through quite a few glass cow eyeballs!
love the blog and love the book even more…of course it’s still in the best seller list!! you rock…
I have a copy of your book, and adore it. I desperately want to get a copy for my aunt, who would get along with you scarily well (and she’s a huge Dr Who fan to boot), but she would lose her everloving mind over the bit with the dead pet dog. In a bad way. So clearly I need another copy, so I can go in and cover over parts of it with sharpie, CIA style, and tell her its from your period as a spy, and the government has redacted it for security reasons. Clearly.
Now I want an autographed glass eyeball. Way to get my hopes up. Thanks a lot Jenny.
Thanks for letting me be part of the tribe! And for being the one place I can go where people don’t randomly come up to me and say, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” (No, I’m not famous — I just have a very generic face so I look like at least 3 billion other people.)
ME WANT
I don’t know anything about glass eyes. Or very little, I should say. My aunt Phyllis has one. Some jerk-faced third grader threw a pencil and it hit her right in the eye when she was eight years old. She’s had the same glass eye since then. My husband, however, has a prosthetic eye, and it is made of exactly the same acrylic used to make dentures. As long as he gets it cleaned routinely, he should be able to keep the same one for a while, apparently. Also, the dude who made it was very weird and had a degree in fine art and had been previously making special effects for movies.
Glass eyeballs=fun cat toys. Because my cats think everything I own is a toy anyway.
Yeah, that’s about as clever as I can be right now. I’ve been grading research papers and a healthy percentage of my students decided to write about gun control and marijuana and reading them has made my brain die a little.
Love your blog and would love to have a signed copy of your book. . .
Or a signed glass cow eyeball.
Either is fine by me 🙂
I just want to be part of the (ARE YOU KIDDING THREE THOUSAND?!?) cool people who comment on this thread. Oh and I already bought the hardcover book and kind of feel gypped out of a bonus chapter but I’m too cheap to go buy ANOTHER softcover one. So you may as well just let me win. That would be very nice of you. Plus I follow you on twitter too. You could just say I’m your secret stalker. Or just like everybody else here. I wanted to be special, but now you’re saying I’m one of the masses? Dang it, this is just not going well for me. Time to hug my cat (that looks exactly like yours).
I bought it on my Kindle (and loved it!), but signed physical books > physical books > Kindle books any day of the week.
Enter me to win! 🙂 LOVE your book and would love a squeaky clean one!
I have always been told that I have a weird sense of humor. I always chose to think that my idiot friends never grasped the extent of my genius or that they were challenged in the vocabulary domain and confused the words weird with awesome. Either way, I never quite found a blog that I enjoyed reading and that lead me to keep coming back. This blog did. It made me feel a little less weird and a little more awesome. Will you send me a book????Please – Please – Please.
Just found your blog and it’s great! I had a good time reading all the past stories.
I am making mint tea right now while waiting on an important meeting with my boss. If I get canned during this meeting, it would be a great consolation to have a new book to read during my subsequent unemployment.
I would love another copy of this book! I’ve been meaning to buy one for my mom and my best friend because who doesn’t love reading about taxidermied animals and other random awesomeness? Also, why was taxidermied spell-check flagged but not awesomeness? Also, 15 glass eyeballs and four bodies.
I am so giving you my tiara if I win a copy. I mean after all, who wouldn’t love a sparkly, silver, jewel encrusted crown made from poster paper? Love you, Love your blog.
But most of all…
Love the fact you are our peep in RA Land who speaks so clearly and passionately for the rest of us. If we didn’t hurt in one joint or another, or another, or another, we wouldn’t know what was up with our world and you let others know it. Thanks.
There are, in fact, reasons to purchase only a small box of vintage glass cow eyeballs.
Soon you will engage in a personal challenge — how many vintage glass cow eyeballs can I fit in my mouth?
You may say “I’d never do that, but you lie. You lie so hard. You’ll do it. You know you’ll do it. IT IS YOUR DESTINY.
But here’s the thing. It’s much better to have a very small box of vintage glass cow eyeballs and stuff all 5 or 6 in your moth and thereafter be able to say “I totally could have done more, but that was all I had.” If you have a big box you’re just going to be confronted with a feeling of inadequacy — “there are so many eyeballs here, and I can only fit so few in my mouth. This is a metaphor for . . . well everything really.” But if you have a small box you can delude yourself into thinking that you are more than equal to all challenges, whether or not they involve vintage glass cow eyeballs.
So a small box is essential to a good life is what I am saying. And a large box is basically the same as buying your spouse a t-shirt that says “I’M WITH FAILURE —->.”
I could read this book every day. Plus. I have NEVER won anything. EVER. So, maybe now’s the time?
I can’t do a push-up, but I’d love an autographed copy of your book!
I dunno. The bodies already under my bed are making things sort of crowded. Either that or I reeeally want a copy of your book. With eyeballs? I figure if you need any, then you need a healthy backup supply.
I had potato chips for lunch today. Just potato chips. I’m thinking I should eat something else, too. But the something else I’m thinking about is a cookie.
If I won a copy of your book, I’d probably get crumbs on it. Or maybe I’d have washed my hands by then. Hard to say.
My daughter dumped an entire bulk size bottle of granulated garlic on the floor under a chair, now my whole house smells like a terrible Italian restaurant. I’d like to pretend that didn’t happen.
I would love a chance to beat my cat Orange Ethyl with the UK copy of your book. Oh, and read it. The book, I mean, not OE.
Oh I’d love a copy! I’d pass it on (after I finished it) to my friend who loves your blog, too. Random comment….um… I just got three chicks for my backyard and have named them Lemon, Pepper, and Rosemary.
when i was in seventh grade, our assignment in english class was to give an “informative” speech. we had to demonstrate a skill or something to the rest of the class within a given amount of time using props etc. the most memorable (and stench-ridden) of these speeches was “how to dissect a cow eyeball” in which my fellow classmate dissected an actual cow eyeball that she brought in a ziplock. i only hope she didn’t save her lunch leftovers in that bag later that day. so, this story should entitle me to a free book out of pity right?
Oh how I wish I got exciting things like glass cow eyeballs in the mail. I just get diapers. At least they aren’t used when they arrive at my door.
Currently sitting in a library trying to stifle my laughter at the unicorn fornication.
Cow, just, cow.
Thank you.
I am taking my finals for my Anatomy and Physiology class. I am reading this blog as a means of avoiding studying. I would love to read your book to avoid studying.
nothing clever, just please pick me. (-;
Today I have done almost no real work. Instead, I have spent the morning (and now, a good portion of the afternoon) finally going through the incredibly embarrassing piles of paper on my desk that have been accumulating over the past … oh, three months.
I also decided for my efforts that I should get to have cheese fries for lunch.
So basically, I’m winning at adulthood and responsibility today.
Plenty of cows here in WI….not sure about the glass eyeballs though……
I also have a box of glass animal eyes from bird to moose-sized (Dad once wanted to taxiderm…). Your site has inspired me to find a way to display them proudly. Thanks for all the weirdness.
Would love to win a copy! Never won a thing in my life…well, unless you count the used car I won that was missing half it’s engine and smoke coming out the back at Used Car Night from a raffle at one of our local minor league baseball night a few years ago! This would totally be an upgrade!
Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute – by “autograph”, do you mean you’re actually going to sign all of those books by hand? Or do you have like, a rubber stamp? Because that’s totally phoning it in. And I would totally go that route if it was me. PENS. I mean really.
Can I have one?
Two of my toes on my right foot are the same height (the two to the right of my big toe). It creeps me out a bit.
Love this book so much.
If we already have the book can we get a couple of eyeballs instead?
PICK ME!! 🙂
Hi!
I’m thinkin on making my dog a t-shirt with the slogan “Keep calm and take a Xanax”. The poor thing is so scared when my building “pops” every morning when the sun starts to heat the wall of the building. My vet put her on Xanax and it has helped her heaps. Medicating pets is still a taboo in Finland and everyone I know thinks I’m crazy for giving my dog drugs to keep her calm. But she’s an old girl and been through much.
Thanks so much for your blog. I haven’t been reading it for long but it almost always cheers me up. And you got me interested in watching Doctor Who and I love it. Christopher Eccleston, oh my 😉 I think you know what I’m talking about 🙂
I hope your move and renevation of your new house is going good.
Lots of love
Iita 🙂
Hi like that its blue. I want one! And it’s kind of my birthday tomorrow… 🙂
Not trying to rig the vote by posting twice, but I forgot a few things.
First, I dated a guy with a glass eye. I never knew until I asked him why he turned his head just a little when we’d take pictures. I was starting to think he was vain, but it turned out that glass eyes and camera flashes make for some really messed up pictures. And this was in the days when we paid to develop pictures. Eventually, I realized he was an idiot. The point is, while a regular person may use five or six glass eyeballs in a lifetime, I don’t need or want any glass eyes, because who wants to be reminded of their idiot ex?
Second, I don’t know off the top of my head how many bodies are under my bed. BUT, I will count them when I get home and let you know. Oh dang, the question was how many “can fit” under the bed, not “are” under the bed. Sometimes hypotheticals confuse me.
I really want to read the extra chapter. I LOVED your book. Capital LOVED. =)
It seems like the concept of ‘false’ first requires the concept of ‘truth’ but there is no complimentary dependence – truth can exist without something it is the negation of. For many of the same reasons, the type of truth that is independent of the concept of ‘false’ can not be the truth in relation to some structure, i.e. axiomatic systems, coherence theory, correspondence theory and so on. These all start with structural assumptions (See “What the Tortoise Said to Achilles,” a philosophical paper by the author Lewis Carroll, published in the journal ‘Mind’ in 1895) and thus require the concept of “a true assumption” before the concept of truth can be introduced. A similar problem is explored in Alfred Tarski’s work on The Liar Paradox, but with different conclusions. This is the reason that I agree with the Principia Discordia in two respects: First, “even false things are true” and secondy “truth is at a level beyond concept.”
I’ve recently begun to refer to my cell phone as ‘Kitler’ even though it doesn’t resemble a cat, Hitler, or a cat that looks like Hitler. It’s constantly being contrary and I feel oppressed by it so I wanted to give it an evil name but saying “Where’s my Hitler?” seemed skeevy so I decided to call it Kitler instead. (It didn’t have a previous nickname.) Perhaps the name came to me because my current phone wallpaper is Ron Mael from Sparks and years ago he had a Charlie Chaplin moustache that actually looked like a Hitler moustache which is even stranger because I believe he may be Jewish. Perhaps it was also a subconscious reference to KITT from Knight Rider, because from my recollection that car was pretty uppity. But KITT and Cylons are sort of combined in my head because the swooshing back & forth lights, and now I hope my phone isn’t a frakking toaster.
Sweet baby jebus on a bicycle I need this!
Why do puppy feet smell like fritos?
good god. i had to scroll through about a thousand comments about eye balls and weird toes and odd body hair all to say i have a sausage dog called marshmellow, i live in south africa and i would very much appreciate a copy of your book.
p.s i will get my dad to pay the postage if i win.
I stumbled on the paperback version of your book just the other day. I stood there in Books A Million and read the new chapter – mainly because I already have the hardback and I wanted to read the new chapter without buying another book. What can I say? I’m frugal like that.
That is a flaw, I’m thinking.
I recently had to explain to a housemate that preserved animal parts should probably not be shelved with the cleaning supplies.
Yayyy!!
Sorry, what? I was pretending this never happened. And playing with my voodoo doll.
I think I can fit 4 small bodies, 2 larges ones under my bed. Thanks! 🙂
I know, why don’t you pick a winner and Victor can pick a winner and then you guys can have an argument about why you each picked who you picked and then you’ll already have next week’s blog ready. And we will all be winners.
I want a copy, if only because I want to save $12. 🙂 http://mcgarity.me/personal/hail-to-the-bloggess
I would LOVE to win! I need a copy of this book!
Does anyone else have a little toe that is shy? Mine hide behind my 4th toe so when you look down at my feet they look a little different….but that’s part of the fun this world, right? Finding all the fun differences! I’d love to read this!
Thanks
Are we allowed to dismember in order to be more geometrically efficient? Or just whole bodies? Really, that’s a huge variable to leave out.
I don’t have a favorite toe, but I do have a most baffling finger. For some reason, my pinkie finger has, and has always had as long as I can remember being alive, a dent or dimple in the top surface. This is, unfortunately, not so easy to recognize on other people as being a six-fingered man, for instance, and so I have not encountered, to the best of my knowledge, any one else with a similarly dented or dimpled finger.
My new robot wants a copy. It looks like a giant hockey puck, but they still call it a robot. But it does know statistics, and a few dozen books won’t go a long way to the 3155th commenter. ¡Viva la revolution!
Nathan Filion is coming to Ottawa ComicCon next weekend, and I’m trying to convince my sister-in-law, who’s going. to smuggle in a ball of twine for a photo op with him, and trick him into holding it. No go yet, apparently she can only afford a couple photos, and being a Trekkie, Levar Burton and Will Wheaton are more important to her.
Vintage glass cow eyeballs?! Sweet! I have an old hand-made Parcheesi board that my great-grandfather made that uses those giant sized marbles as the game pieces. How much better would that game be if played with vintage glass cow eyeballs….
I don’t need to win a book as I already bought it. I just want to be one of those people who say thanks. I’m glad I found your blog.
I’d fill a glass vase with the glass cow eyeballs and put it on the dining room table as a centerpiece. Great conversation starter over dinner.
This is my comment!
There are 181 days until Halloween. You should find use for those eyeballs by then.
So I can’t remember if this happened in real life, or if it was in a movie that I was watching, or if it happened in a dream. Probably one of the later two. But anyway someone in front of me dropped something and it made me think of if you dropped your glass eye, which made me think of if you had a glass eye–Oh my god no I remember now (this is how my manic brain works) it was a guy passing by me and he nodded at me. It was bright out, though, so he was squinting except one eye wasn’t squinting at all. So I assumed it was a glass eye. That was what made me think of if you had a glass eye, would it get sticky? Like do you have to add lubricant to it so the inner part of your eye lid doesn’t dry out? Or is the glass smooth enough (absorbant?) to slide around seamlessly in your eye socket? Because thinking about having a glass eye in my head doesn’t seem so bad, until I imagine the sticking feeling of your eye lid catching whenever you have the slightest twitch. Also? I want a book! I want to read the mysterious extra chapter, but I’ll admit that I’m waaaay too lazy (re: cheap) to buy two of the same book. I already bought your hardcover.
There is a Museum of Vision in San Francisco that has loads of glass eyeballs. http://www.museumofvision.org/
It used to be free. My husband and I went on a date there when we were…well ‘dating’.
I will use my comment to promote world peace.
Ooooor I could use it to create a time machine to have you go back in time (not unlike a Doctor Who episode where there is NOT a fixed point in time) and add me to this new chapter. I do request that you please don’t kill me off.
I hope you’re caught up on Doctor Who, and I haven’t ruined anything. If I have, don’t pick me…obviously.
Hmmmm… Almost 3000 comments… I’m pretty sure I don’t stand a chance, but miracles happen every day, right?
P.S. My favorite toe is my little baby toe on the end. Hubs calls it a circus peanut because it looks like a circus peanut candy. 🙂
I have been dying to read this since the word was ouyut that you were being published. Unfortunately we are on a Mil salary and havent been able to afford it (oh woe is me lol). I keep asking for it for Christmas /birthdays,
, Fridays to no avail. 🙁 o woe is me, lol). I eould give anytging to read this! I would even be willing to send you a picture of a bunch of Marines holding twine and posing with a metal chicken… There is no end to the stupid.shit.i would both do, and get away with. Lth.
Abd if there arre spellinh mistakrs it is bc my phone is an idiot savaunt. And of the devil.
My second toe is slightly longer than my big toe, so my husband calls it a Frankentoe. I told him he’s just jealous that his toes are all uber normal. Maybe he needs a giant metal chicken for perspective?
I got angry reading your book b/c I thought to myself, “Every idiot knows there’s snakes in the hen house.” Then it dawned on me…maybe it isn’t common knowledge and maybe the rest of the world isn’t Texas.
I’m planning to turn all of my friends into Lawsbians. So, I’m making wine slushies later (getting their inhibitions lowered so they won’t say “no”) and then I will grasp their books gently, while telling them all about Nathon Fillon and the twine debacle. And of course, Beyonce. Well, and then we might actually read the book.
I really enjoy reading your blog and am sure I will love your book. My kittens are named Chicken and Waffles, and I love Neil Gaimen and Doctor Who. We should be friends!
Pick me! Pick me!
I once ate a glass Christmas ornament once. True story.
I was fine, in case you were concerned.
I would love an autographed copy, and I can fit 12 3/4 bodies under my bed.
My boss was so perturbed by your calendar (that I put up in our division office) that he ripped it off the wall and threw it in the trash. I love that that happened.
Honestly, I’m surprised that my three-year-old boy *hasn’t* gone through an entire box of glass eyeballs, given how often he seems intent on poking out the ones (non-glass) (so far!) that he has. Maybe not cow eyeballs, of course, because he has a small head yet, but I do sometimes think it’s only a matter of time before we start a collection of prosthetic eyeballs for the inquisitive little guy.
I really wish I could think of something funny to say to you for this entry into winning your fabulous book. But I am totally not a funny person. I hope I win anyhow. But there are thousands of comments. So I’m not going to hold my breath. Unless by holding my breath, it causes you to take pity on me and somehow I magically win. But by then I will be dead from lack of oxygen, so the book will have to go to my kids instead. So I should totally win so that you can corrupt another generation and also so that my death will not have been in vain. Because my kids will totally benefit from reading your book. Or something.
Right now I feel like taking a bath in a tub filled with glass eyeballs
I feel that my job of mailing dog heads and bats may make me part of the tribe. Vet work if one was to ask.
I found the blog first and have fallen in love. I love the glass. Have never consumed it though…
Oooo Jenny in British English. I wonder how the British refer to their taxidermy. Hmmm.
I think my favorite body parts are the ones I’m missing- two sections of my jaw, and a stabilizing screw that was removed a couple years later. I can officially say that I have a missing screw and will never be a whole person again 🙂
I often wonder if you are the owner of the blogpost with the most comments. AMAZING! And to think – I once thought I was the only person on this planet like us!
I’m a little lost, something about unicorns and I think dead rodents and maybe you were moving?
In any case, I wanted to tell you that any time we are driving around our great state, sometimes a random family member will shout “Beyonce!” and point out his or her window and I’ll almost wreck the car trying to see what they are pointing at but it has yet to be the yummy singer, just another goddamn chicken.
Knock, knock.
I would love to read this extra chapter! I will also read the British version in my best Harry Potter voice. Promise!!
Absolutely adored your book! To have a signed UK version would make me the envy of all my friends. *fingers crossed*
3.5 bodies under my bed, 3 glass eyeballs, and honestly – I’ve followed you on twitter for quite sometime and still haven’t been able or had the time to pick up your book! And this distresses me to the point where I don’t believe Xanax can be relied upon any longer!! You’re immediate intervention and saving grace are all that’s able to reel me back from the edge! The edge of what? How should I know this is your fantasy M’lady!!
I have 13 fake teeth. Yup.
I have a tooth implant made out of porcelain, gold, and titanium. That’s like Generation Y’s version of the glass eye, right?
So exciting to be your 3228th commentor! My favorite number. Personally, I’d prefer a box of goggly eyes to old glass cow eyes. But I’m willing to change.
Congratulations on your success, you deserve every single bit of it. Enjoy!
X Tina
As I am commenting there are 3229…..so chances of me winning are slim. But, I still think you are very entertaining!!!
I don’t think I could fit any bodies under my bed, too much other junk under there.
Oh no! My comment took so long I missed my favorite number. Rats!
As I am commenting there are 3229 other comments…..so chances of me winning are slim. But, I still think you are very entertaining!!!
Something I never thought would come out of my mouth, but I once said to an unwanted and ungrateful house guest:
“The Hampton Inn doesn’t have coughing dogs”.
true story
Life would be exponentially more difficult if tortillas didn’t exist
I’m pandering.
Pick me! Powells was out of your book at your signing, so you signed Mary Roach’s book Stiff instead!!
I would like to win a signed copy so I can pull it off my shelf with the other signed books I own to use in a silent auction to raise money for child advocacy and education programs. My friends don’t want to step up to help, I’ll find ways to get their help. I’m kind of a dork like that.
The way I see it… A book can be replaced. A life can’t.
Moving right along now. Carry on!
I’m not feeling witty today; actually kind of sad. Your blog and Twitter account are one of the highlights of my day, and I’m so thankful for them, and for you. I hope you need donations soon for something bizarre because I’d totally donate. In the meantime, thank you for including me in your tribe. It’s the best ever.
Reading your blog brightens my day! I seriously love you. And your cats. And Beyonce. And… well, this list could continue forever 🙂
Jenny — I am the co-owner of an indie bookstore. I have been promoting your book, only I must admit it’s only been recently, because I didn’t really know about you before. Back in February, when I was all depressed because it’s FEB. in northern PA and I have “seasonal affective” components of my bipolar stuff, AND because our *&$#) landlord is trying to evict us for no good legal reason, I mentioned on my facebook page that it had been a long time since I’d had a good belly laugh. So, my encouraging friends and customers sent me links to all kinds of internet humor. The only one that had me laughing till I was snorting and crying was the link someone sent me to “and that’s why you should choose your battles… or, the story of Beyonce, the giant metal chicken.” THANK YOU. I laughed over that every time I thought of it, for several days. I would break out in giggles in random places, for no apparent reason, making people think I’m even crazier than I am, and that maybe recent stresses have pushed me back around the bend. But, really? I was just taking the opportunity to laugh again. Reading your book now. Will probably review it for our book column for the newspaper that the hubby and I write each week. It’s a really small town newspaper, with a really conservative editor, so that will be interesting… how to tell people they could be offended by potty language or certain parts about your style… but most people will really enjoy the book, maybe even in spite of themselves? Can’t wait to walk THAT line.
No matter how many authors I get to talk with, I only have a have a handful of signed copies that mean anything special to me. Yours would!! Whether I win one or not, thanks for the laughs. Keep on … and don’t worry too much about keeping calm. Unless it happens to get too dangerous to your health. Then keep working on that. Cheers, Kasey
My boyfriend hates my baby toe, the piggy. He says it weird and too small and might as well not be there.
Thank God for you, Jenny. Thank God.
Do I have to be witty? Can I simply be dry and sardonic?
that’s one great looking book. thank you for the insides.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/120971364/superman-squirrel-cruelty-free-free?ref=sr_gallery_44&ga_search_query=squirrel&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_ref=auto1&ga_search_type=all
you need a superman squirrel
I love windy days!
Yo
since I will be buying another of your book again anyways, because I gave my last copy to my brother-in-law’s girlfriend and need to get another this will be my fifth copy. I figured might as well try to win a copy. but there are a lot of people that want this though. As to the toes I believe in equality for all so refuse to pick a favorite or least favorite. As to bodies under the bed what type of bodies? if they are kids or babies I can get a lot more or if they are dismembered. but bodies tend to be messy things I try not to keep them under the bed in the first place they go under the stairs much better. any way good luck everyone hope everyone enjoys your books.
I gave blood today with record time of 7 minutes.
Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn børk! børk! børk!
That’s Swedish for, “I can haz book?”
(In my best British voice) Please Madam may I have a copy. And may the odds be ever in MY favor.
You and your tribe are weird. Weird in the best way ever. Thank you.
Would love ANYTHING signed by you…and yes, I know this opens up a big blue door of awesomeness…much like the Tardis. And I’ve got nothing on unicorns, but my dog had a dingleberry the other day and it TOTALLY freaked my boyfriend out into girly scream mode.
twiddle-dee, twiddle-DOO!
Why is Mother Nature so pissed off this Spring? Maybe she is going through “the change”, again….
This is me winning your book. And saying thank you. As not using my manners would be rude.
As a kid I once got a book for christmas, wherein one of the secondary characters collected the glass eyes of executed criminals. Yes it was a kids book.
I bet you really only need a maximum of four glass eyeballs. One for each eye and a couple spares. Well maybe you need five so you can leave one in a glass somewhere.
Sometimes I feel like everything is just a little bit cooler in the UK….
Oh no! I can’t feel my third elbow!! oh, wait…
I’d love to win a copy of your book.
Congrats on your huge success! I love glass eyeballs! The more the merrier, I always say!
Ooooo. Ever since I learned to read I’ve wanted to read your book. I hope that I win!
I don’t have any vintage glass eyeballs, but I do have some real cow eyeballs. Or I could, at least…
My favorite toes are my big toes because they are so useful and make my nail polish look fantastic. My least favorite toe is my left pinky because it’s all smooshed under my next toe…
Hmm…I think that someone should use…27 glass eyes;
10 to reverse pickpocket people
6 for any decoration that you feel could be improved by glass eyes (i.e. christmas ornamants, pictures, staplers)
3 to leave in a freaky shrine looking thing in the woods, with ‘run’ scratched onto a rock
1 to use in a Halloween costume
2 to put red LEDs in and hide in the bushes
1 to make a stuffed animal into a bad@$$ demon tri-clops stuffed animal
1 to make into a necklace
1 to drop off a roller coaster (just to confuse the people who clean up dropped stuff)
and 2 to hide in eye patch boxes
Soo..I’m on Facebook and I see all these posts “Like if you love your mom, ignore if you want her to die”..WTF?? I want the post that says “Like if your mom is the reason you’re in therapy.”..I’d like that post.
And thank you Jenny for being the voodoo priestess at the head of this tribe! It is so wonderful to not be alone 😉
I’d love to win a copy! G’luck everyone! (Does that sound Australian? It’s not supposed to. Just, y’know, the whole g-apostrophe-word structure…? I’ll stop. On a completely unrelated note, is it normal to watch cast interviews and bloopers and stuff for a show you’ve never watched? Because that somehow happened with me and Supernatural…oops) 😀
I’m thinking probably 2. But they’d have to be sliced in half lengthwise. My bed is pretty low. Thanks Jenny! <3
One of the reasons I love you, Bloggess, is that you taught me two of my now-favorite phrases.
Knock, knock Motherfucker!
Douche-canoe
I’m thrilled for your success!
okay, I clicked on “add one” (comment) and I have absolutely no idea what I commented on because it took me to a post with only 15 comments on it, so just in case here’s me feeling like a fool and commenting again. The other people thought they were commenting on this too so at least I wasn’t alone?
Subway has some weird fruit cookie instead of that white chocolate macadamia nut. What the crap is that?
I love the blog but haven’t gotten around to getting the book yet + extra chapter!
i don’t have anything funny or uplifting to say.
maybe my new medication will start working soon and i’ll care.
cause right now i just fucking don’t.
What happens if you accidentally comment twice with the same email? Because somehow I think my comment ended up in the wrong place, and since I (of course) don’t want to lose out, I’m gonna try this again 🙂
I could fit four bodies under my bed, easy.
😉
Yes please! I am in need of a distraction from my 3 snotty rugrats! Sick babies are no fun!
Missed out on your book signing in Chicagoland area due to husband working late and sick child. And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine and autographed book.
I just calculated in my head and I could fit about a dozen bodies under my bed, more than that if the drawers were removed, since I have a loft bed with storage underneath.
I’m teaching my sister valuable lessons thanks to your book. I would love to have a copy so I could just tell her the page number for her to turn to when she does something wrong. After reading your book I was happy to know I’m not the only one with a weird family with weird tastes.
You always crack me up. You’re awesome.
I’m a middle school math teacher and am pretty sure my students are working hard to make my brain explode (and my ovaries shrivel up so as NOT to make little humans that will grow up to be like some of them).
I’m also a month shy of turning 29 and had a class of seventh graders decide that I’m basically their mom at school. Do you have any idea how frightening it is to be called “Mommy” by multiple 13 year old children???!!!!
Since I don’t drink and probably should stop eating my feelings before I can only wear muumuus to school, I’d love to have a new, funny book to read!!
I have no interest in the book (I already have a copy and have read it about 5 times because it’s hilarious) But I just wanted to say that the vintage glass cow eyeball would have been awesome! So many things you could do with them…
I rank people by their chins. At least, that’s the running joke at my Ultimate frisbee club. I hate those ones that recede into your neck–I like the people with the faint dip in the chin, a nice, pronounced, King Arthur version. Butt chins are a bridge too far, however. Is this a legit reason not to date a person? hm.
I once babysat for a family that taught their daughters to call their lady garden “wookie.”
Yep. Like from Star Wars.
The book would fit perfectly under my sonic screwdriver on my coffee table…just saying
Hnnng. Pllllllease.
I can fit, like, two maybe three bodies under my bed. More if they’re chopped up because of all that empty space around necks and limbs and things. Of course, this isn’t even talking about if you dig out the floor under said bed.
i have read your book like 5 times already and mine is only a Kindle edition… I’m from a really small town in Nebraska and have been waiting for the right time to buy copies for my best friend and sister… Kindle has started to mock me, like, ‘Really, again? Didn’t we just finish this last week?’ Kindle is very judgmental. But I ignore it because Kindle does not enjoy laugher, apparently. You’re welcome.
My niece and nephew say blurp instead of fart. But i like the sound of fart instead of blurp. Not literally the sound of someone farting but the word itself.
I would totally make out with a unicorn, for the record.
Amount of body parts I could fit under my bed really would vary based on the size of the body. I could fit TONS of squirrel hands, for instance, but probably not a lot of elephant legs.
Am I too late to enter? I hope not.
I found a copy of your book at the Barnes & Noble and got really excited when I picked it up. Not because I had an actual connection, but because I had been following your blog for a while. I got some strange stares when I started laughing aloud in the middle of the bookstore. A friend of mine had a birthday coming up, and I figured she could use a good laugh, so I bought it for her. Then I gave it to her as a gift before I had the chance to read it myself. So, I’d like to win my own copy. That’d be super.
Pretty please 🙂 Today is the deathiversary of my dad and his dad, my grandpa. They both passed away today but 11 years apart (my dad first, then my papa). Winning your book would be a sign from them that they are still looking out for me. Well, really it would be a sign from you that you picked me, but I digress…
Oh me, please!!
I love your site. I want your book. I will store all kinds of things under my bed, but your book would never be one of them and I cannot wait to get my very own copy!!! Thanks for what you do, its inspiring!
Okay, the pic of the unicorn (literally) poking that person’s eye out made me remember all those times my mom said “you’re going to poke somebody’s eye out with that!” Apparently I had a lot of sharp, pointy things in my hands as a child…
I’d love to read a copy of your book, please – thanks!
I’ve been trying to get a copy of your book for quite a while. I’ve been looking to see if it will come in at the bookstore here, but so far no luck. I really hope I win one of the copies, that way maybe I can explain to my bf what makes me laugh during breaks at work@
I like this tribe. You make a great chief. You definitely smoke enough peote to be in charge of us….
Hey yo, so… the weather here is great today, in San Francisco. I actually get to wear my red(ish) dress 🙂 …. though I will have to hold it down on my walk home cause I don’t give peep shows for free…. and it is WINDY
I would absolutely kill for a free copy, and send the body to your dad.
Your favorite toe question reminds me of the toe nursery rhyme- which I have changed below to the Blogess version:
This little piggy went to the Taxidermist,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had 5 stuffed mice,
This little piggy had one.
And this little piggy went…
“Wee Wee Wee” all the way to the Blogesses home…
Filling up a dead rat’s scrotal sac when stuffing it requires much more cotton balls than one would imagine. In case some of you wondered about that.
I read all your blogs and you always make me snort or laugh out loud literally every time.
Thank. You. Very. Much.
Love your book.
One of these days I will actually email you and remind you that I once pathetically begged for you to take a picture with my gnome.
Also I have a cat named Oreohead. Nobody is allowed to call him “Oreo,” ever, and my insistence on that once led a friend to call him “Head.” I bring this up because as a cat owner, I feel I could really utilize the entire box of glass eyes (cow, vintage, new, horse, whatever) because he would play with each one for about 5 seconds before losing it under one piece of furniture or another. Then: on to the next eyeball! Imagine how much more fun that would have been when my landlords rudely and illegally entered my apartment the other day (no notice) to replace my refrigerator? Finding a large baffling collection of glass eyeballs when they moved out the old one would have been just what they deserved.
Our tribe is hilarious. Must mean I can be funny too . . .
Let’s pretend I won this book. Because you can never have too many copies. And also, there are no bodies under my bed. I don’t know who told you that. There are very clearly 0 bodies under there. No lie.
Pumpkin strudel. I’ll let your imagination try to figure out which body part that is!
I’m watching Touched by an Angel while I write this comment. Hope I win the book!
Entry 3,269ish.
I think my dog is becoming overweight. Also, her elbows have fresh spring grass stains!
This is my favourite blog by far… glass eyeballs pretty much sums up my love for it
I don’t think I can fit any dead bodies under my bed, but luckily my roommates have more space.
My cat Romana(dvoratrelundar) is super jealous of my cat Kaylee’s copy of your paperback and would love one of her own.
(And yes, the cat is how I justified buying a second copy of your book. You are welcome. You too Kaylee).
My babysitter’s kid had a glass eye. It creeped me out as a kid that I could never tell which one was the glass one.
My favorite toe is my girlfriend’s big toe, because her best friend asked me to send it to her if I ever decide to chop up my girlfriend and put her in a meat grinder/yard waste disposer. Seems normal enough.
I actually bought two copies of your wonderful book and at the moment neither of them is in my possession. They have been loaned out so other people can enjoy it as much as I did.
Jenny,
Thank you for your “realness”. I am an official member of the tribe! xo
Love the audio version of your book! Thanks for the chance to win 🙂
Happy Throat Punch Thursday!
I can’t think of anything witty or clever or an expression of my undying gratitude for this blog to say. 🙂
Well, I’m not reading this post until today because its finals week. This of course means packing coolers and wearing slippers in the library for 18 hours a day. Mainly yesterday I guess. I’m pretty tired, as you can imagine, and decided to take a second to myself before diving into my next study marathon by reading your blog. Thanks for laughs, by the way.
Anyway, this comment is mainly to share my bathroom experience with you from earlier today. So I take my first final and and walking to meet my friend in the lobby when I realize she isn’t there so I must have finished before her. I convince myself I should pee while I’m waiting so I venture off to the bathroom. Mid stream I realize there’s no toilet paper….YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! So I stand there for a while (I’m deathly afraid of public toilets so I always have to hover) trying to decide what I should do. No one comes in to save me so I make a move. I shimmy to the next stall over pants down and everything. Guess what? No toilet paper there either. YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! So I wait for a while hoping (again) that someone will save me from yet another toiler-paper-less stall and no one comes. I then decide I’ve come way to far to end this adventure with no toilet paper so I decide to try yet another stall when and all of a sudden the main door opens! I quickly retreat back to my empty stall in hopes for finally getting toilet paper and no one actually comes in. I stand even longer trying to figure this entire situation out. Result to darting 3 stalls down. Finally get some TP and walk out to meet my friend.
She tells me it was her that came in the bathroom…she was looking for me. Since all of the doors were open (including the one I was in as I was preparing for another mad-dash with my pants down) she went elsewhere to find me.
Welcome to my life.
I have looked all over for vintage glass cow eyeballs, can’t find them anywhere.
Bought your book, met you at a signing in San Diego, but now I want to read the extra chapter….thanks!
Nothing funny or clever to say here, but I would love a book…please!
I think my boss peed in the sink today.
I think you’re great!
Well I don’t know how many I can fit under it, but I once fit 4 teenage boys, 3 teenage girls and myself on a full sized bed. We all left more or less clothed.
Holy snot… almost 4,000 comments? You’re one popular lady. And I love all my toes equally. They look like adorable little marshmallows. They don’t taste the same though.
Holy snot… almost 4,000 comments? You’re one popular lady. And I love all my toes equally. They look like adorable little marshmallows. They don’t taste the same though.
I can’t fit any bodies under the bed… *sigh* it’s completely full of under-the-bed storage boxes filled with things I never use!
My cat has three eyes, therefore I can either afford a new eye for my cat or your book. I love my cat, therefore I cannot afford your book. (man, I hate being the last to comment).
I have a starling named Bernie living in my bathroom. My jeans are covered in poo..but I couldn’t tell you if it is from opossums, raccoon, owl, fox or duck. I think your book might make my life seem normal.
I have to say, after your suggestions of comments, I’m a little disappointed that I can’t fit *any* bodies under my bed since it is on the floor. Thank you broken bed frame! Anyway, love the font on the UK cover along with your lovely self portrait 🙂
I am trying to like my job as a customer service representative but people are making it really really hard.
Want!
I usually dig olives out of the jar with a three-pronged shrimp fork, which I refer to as a devil spear. My mom told me that she used the slotted spoon. I told her that she was so smart, but it felt like cheating. The olives had no chance to get away. It was poaching. I poached the olives.
I need your book.
I have a plastic tub under my bed, that I can’t remove or open because the bed is too heavy.
I’m not sure how I got it under there.
I could be full of glass cow eyeballs, for all I know.
With your book, I could prop up one leg of the bed and get enough lift to slide the tub out and
see whats in there.
Can say that you have me wondering how many bodies
Could go under the bed-hmmm and what would I do with
A box of eyeballs.
Your post reminds me of the time in 2nd grade we dissected a cow’s eyeball. I puked and had to go to the nurse.
The last time I was at King’s Island/Dominion/Flags/whatever I asked the guy working the racer roller coaster what the weirdest thing to ever turn up in the lost and found was. Can you guess? A glass eye. A HUMAN GLASS EYE. Send me your book.
My closest friend and I got to know each other on a school trip to D.C. in high school. I knew we’d be good friends for a long time after she looked at all the trees passing by and said, “Maryland would be a really convenient place to hide a body.”
I really think I love you. Either that or the vicodin has worn off…..either way. Hi!
xo Rena
http://www.curvesandcoffee.com
Today a 6 year old child asked me if I was married, and when I said no she looked incredibly shocked and said “Does that mean you have to clean the toilet yourself???”
I knew there was a reason people got married…
I am so happy to be part of the tribe that has found your blog! I wish I had been able to meet you while you were on your book tour. I sent my Mom and cousin in my place, and they had an amazing time! I’d love to get a signed copy of your book.
I have a cat Max. His favorite toys are a specific style of stuffed mouse. He’ll even play fetch with them, it’s downright adorable. He’s either stupid or an asshole or both though. He’ll carry a mousie over to whatever room I’m in, drop it right next to the oven/fridge/couch/doorway/dresser and look at it, look at me. Look at it and BAP! swat it under the piece of furniture. Then yowl and look at me with pleading eyes to fish it out for him. The worst one is when I’m on the toilet and I see a little mousie suddenly appear between my feet and see those black and white paws desperately scrabbling under the door to try to get it back.
Toes creep me out.
I doubt I’m in your book, because I forgot to sneak into your publisher’s mailbox and alter your manuscript, changing all instances of the words “awesome” to “Lhyzz.” It’s a new trend I’m trying to start. “Wow, that giant robot shooting laser beams being ridden by kittens is so Lhyzz!”
I think my odds are not much better than the lottery but WHO CARES!
I love you Madame Bloggess, and since this is one of the very few blogs I actually still follow on a regular basis (for like YEARS NOW!) I think the cosmos should cut me a break and let me win one of these books. That would totally cheer me up since I work on educating people about climate change all day and, damn, that can get depressing sometimes.
You help keep me grounded and remember that I need to have a sense of humor about this life. It really is pretty freakin’ funny a lot of the time.
🙂
LOVED the book. Would love an autographed copy even more!
NeeCowbell Cowbell
Wow that’s a lot of comments. Thanks for making me laugh!
Your awesome.
I’m watching The Hangover with my kids. Is that wrong? Is it even wronger to be having a bourbon whilst watching them watch it?
I found your book and now I can’t stop checking your blog.
Sadly, I have reached the point where I can almost mathematically pinpoint, with fairly decent accuracy, when each Spongebob episode will repeat itself over and over again. My kid now just lets them play as background noise while he reads or plays video games… ::le sigh::
Overheard during lunch at Culver’s: “Texans roll hard. If he didn’t want a broken nose, he shouldn’t have asked me to sit on his face.”
Yes, Texans do roll hard. I think she had a point…
(Also, I’d love a copy of the book, mine that I got at your signing in Houston got stolen by friends before I could finish one!)
Karma – exactly one year ago, I asked about what gift was for a 15th wedding anniversary, and a friend told me it was a big metal chicken. And gave me the link to the Bloggess. I didn’t get DH a big metal chicken. But I did become a huge fan. Tomorrow is my 16th anniversary. And my husband never knows what the current date is, bless his heart, so chances of me getting a gift are slim. Until now. You could soooooo save his ass. And autographed even – I didn’t even know he knew I was a fan.
So I have my boyfriend, sister, mumsie, and popsicle crashing at my (super small 1 bedroom) apartment so that they can all go to my graduation next Friday. It probably isn’t at all surprising that I have already figured out where I would store their bodies if something tragic happened and my cat (Stevie Wonderful) and I had to GTFO of town right quick. My sister is definitely going into the skinny hall closet since after having her spine fused she is sturdier than the rest and would be easier to store upright in a small-ish space. Don’t tell her though, she hates small spaces and I would never hear the end of it…
I cannot think of a comment, so I will pose a question:
Are Maxi-Pads without wings considered flightless?
Congrats! I’d love a copy! Glass eyeballs would’ve okay too.
Right. So here is a comment for you that you could *possibly* put to good use. Or at least use to make a downer of a dinner convo more, exciting?
All you need to do to castrate a male (of mostly any species, the plumbing’s pretty much all the same) is to slice their ball sack, push the testicles out, rip them off (it’s really not hard)*, tie up the tubes in a knot (doesn’t have to be Boy Scout worthy), tuck the pieces back in, and spray the area with iodine. Voila! You’re done!
See how easy that was?
*Working on a dairy farm as a college student made for some really fun stories. And, knowledge is power and all that. Or so I tell my husband.
I would REALLY like to have a copy of this book. I’ve convinced several people to buy it, but have somehow not bought it for myself yet. PLEASE!
342. You decide which question I answered.
My daughter brought home a cow eye she dissected today. For reals. This is what I wrote on Facebook about it:
“Reagan dissected a cow eye. She hands me these bags with an iris, lens, cornea and this gooby stuff. As she is showing it to me, the gooby stuff starts leaking out all over! GROSS GOOBY COW EYE GUNK ON ME!”
I think I could fit six bodies under my bed, if I squished them tightly enough. Please let me have a paperback, I loaned my hardcover and I think I accidentally donated it to the universe. Which is fine, but that was not my intention.
I would absolutely love a copy! and to answer your questions, I don’t really have pet names for my body parts, although my friend named the little flabs by her armpits Edith and Katniss, so not sure if that’s relevant… The amount of glass eyeballs a normal person would use in their lifetime is: as many as they can get their hands on. And the number of bodies you can fit under my bed is around three if you laid them side by side, not that I know that from experience or anything…. But thats only if I were to clean up under my bed which would *never* happen so in it’s current state I’d say about a half a body, maybe a whole if you were lucky. Although I have to wonder why you want to know this… If you expect us to store the bodies you collect under our beds just ask your intern, isn’t that what they’re for?
Haven’t read your book but am hooked to your blog. Hilarious is just the tip of the iceberg in describing it. Looking forward to reading your book.
You are the leader of this crazy tribe. And we love you for it!
I’d like one! I can’t fit any bodies under my bed, it’s on the floor. Mostly because my husband didn’t feel like moving the frame last time we moved, and I’m too lazy to go find a new one. Plus, this way I don’t have to worry about the ankle grabber if I have to get up in the middle of the night 🙂
I found your book on Amazon and laughed all the way through. My comment is about ostriches. Have you ever tried to feed a pet ostrich that really wasn’t a pet but destined to be killed for meat? My husband and I have at his grandfather’s farm. The ostrich will literally try to kick you until you die even if you are trying to feed it. Like it knows it was going to be sold for food…
Do you think dinosaurs would be afraid of vintage glass cow eyeballs? Or do you think maybe the eyeballs would be put to better use if I tried to pass them off as dinosaur eyeballs? I feel dinosaurs would have bigger eyeballs than a cow. My stepson has informed me that our home is being over run by dinosaurs and.. well.. those fuckers are big. And they don’t wear shoes so the footprints from being outside are just a pain in my ASS to clean up. And most of them have wicked long tails that knock over EVERYTHING. And that’s a pain in my ass to clean up too. So maybe if I get some glass cow eyeballs I can scare the dinosaurs away. I’ll be all, “Oooooh. What now, Mr. Dinosaur?! I GOT YO MAMAS EYEBALLS.” and then they’ll run away all scared and shit that I’m gonna take their eyeballs next. Or maybe they’ll get pissed that I took their mom’s eyeballs and rip out my eyeballs as payback… Shit. On second thought, I think I’d prefer a copy of your book over the eyeballs. My stepson can wake me up by screaming “THE DINOSAURS ARE HERE” for as long as he damn well pleases.
My 4 year old daughter is kicking me out of our house because she wants a cat and we can’t have one because I’m allergic. She told me to buy stuff for the cat to play with and then to leave. She keeps telling me she has got to get rid of me. I’m starting to fear for my life, so receiving your book could be like my last request before she hires someone to off me.
Why, yes! I’d love a book. My favorite toe is the middle right.
I’m a little disappointed at the lack of eyeballs. But I guess your book can make up for that.
My favorite TOE?!?!? Good lord, talk about Sophie’s choice! It’s not even cool to ask something like that!
I can fit exactly 4.6 bodies under my bed. Um, not that I have any first-hand experience with that, of course.
I have a life sized cut out of Gerard butler in my house. My friends got it for me for my bday. FYI my husband not a fan. It may be because my daughter says “goodnight mom, goodnight dad, goodnight Gerry”. Or it might be because I kicked him out of the bed so Gerry could sleep by me at night. I assured him that he can remove Gerry as soon as I fall asleep as long as he puts him back in bed by the time I wake up in the morning. But I’m really not sure.
I could use 6 glass eyeballs, tops.
My cat’s name is Cleo but in reality I call her Little Sweetie Pie Cuddle Boo. Does anyone really call their cat by the cat’s “official” name?
My 7th grade son told me tonight that bananas are sterile. Which explains their erectile dysfunction.
My hubby went to visit his friend who has a glass eye recently. The friend answered the door and said, “I hope you don’t mind, I don’t have my eye in as I can’t find it”. We both thought this was pretty funny.
1. Today someone called my house from Las Vegas and asked for Paul Newman.
2. My coworker and I STILL email “Knock Knock, Mother Fucker” back and forth to each other.
3. You are, quite simply – fucking awesome. I would very much like to share a cup of tea and prozac with you.
4. I will crochet you something very strange and equally fantastic.
5. My daughter left me a post-it note the other day that said “I will not eat you.” I didn’t even realize I had been in danger of being eaten by my 7 year old. Apparently the parental cannibalism gene skips a few generations.
I would like to collect UK versions of awesome books. So far I have Anthony Bourdain’s Kitchen Confidential, so your book would officially make it a collection!
Ten to twelve. Fourteen if they are small. Twenty if ther are in pieces.
Free? Autographed? Yes, please. As long as autographed means you’re going to write something completely random above your signature. Or not. I’d be happy either way. 🙂
Thank god it is finally warm in Portland, OR.
Today in my Comics As Literature class, Jed McGowan autographed my copies of “Take Care” and “Lone Pine” and included little sketches on both.
As cool as that was, *your* autograph would be better 🙂
I just said this to a friend via FB chat and thought you might enjoy it ..
Sometimes I think about ramming a spork in her eyes, but then I realize that’s mean and think about unicorns instead.
Bought your hardback on pre-order for myself and a friend. Devoured it in one sitting, and then read it again for good measure. Bumped into an old friend at the pool last summer who could really use some cheering up so let her borrow your book. She has since gone MIA. Would love to get another copy!!
I think you are wrong about only needing a dozen glass cow eyeballs. They would be great to have for any number of crafts, April Fool pranks or just to scatter around the house. You could put two on every table you own – they would follow you around. You might actually need 2 boxes.
The glass eyeball thing isn’t that strange. I took my brothers glass eyes to school for show and tell one time. It’s not as if he was using them for anything. Actually they were spares.
Love you and your blog – you always make me smile 🙂
Totally only commenting in a likely futile attempt to get free shit. I love the Internet.
I have to pee.
We have a baby eastern painted turtle that my daughter lovingly named “Twart”. Why, I don’t know, but it’s all good. Now my four year old son goes to preschool, and tells his teacher about our “twat turtle”. I’m not real sure how to explain that.
Ooo…ooo…ooo… pick me! Pick me! Can’t fit any more bodies under the bed- too many under there already.
If I win I promise to share
PICK ME…PICK ME! TONIGHT I WAS PHOTOGRAPHING BOXES OF TAMPONS FOR A FUTURE BLOG POST…I NEED A DIVERSION (APPARENTLY THREE KIDS, TWO PUGS, AND A (LAZY, INFURIATING, CONSTANTLY SNORING) HUSBAND ARE NOT ENOUGH!)…
In high school I helped a kid with his assignment even though I originally said I wouldn’t because his glass eye had fallen out that morning. I felt like I probably shouldn’t add insult to injury.
I had something I was going to write, but then I looked above and saw Sandy’s post about the twat turtle, and started laughing so hard I forgot what I was going to say—!
I’m envisioning an entire Christmas tree decorated with vintage glass cow eyes….. this needs to happen.
Your picture is delightful but I kind of miss Hamlet Von Schnitzel.
its not under my bed but…once upon a time I had a volvo SEDAN that could fit six grown people in the trunk …comfortably.
So grateful that a google search for wild boars let me to this tribe 🙂 And I love eyeballs, so I would be really excited to get a whole box full of glass ones.
I’m pissed that my auto correct keeps changing my name to Kara! And the my mother stole my hard copy of your book, so I need a new one!
I’m totally one of those weirdos that e-mailed you out of the blue because of your book!!! 😀
12 days ago my child died… Please wear your seat belt! Give. Live. Hug. The Deanna Hug project. Find it on Facebook
Is there a difference between the UK version and the USA version?
I would LOVE a copy. I’m having a slightly stressful week, and reading it would replace the frequent refreshing I do at all my favorite blogs when I’m procrastinating.
I just found your blog and it is really fun. I’d love to read your book. Pick me! 🙂
The day I discovered your blog was the day that you appeared in my town for an event! I can’t believe I missed it. Instead, I was at a PTA meeting – and you can imagine what fun THAT was compared to your book excerpts, right? (Although, I’m not convinced that some of the speakers at my meeting WERE NOT stuffed animals… )
42.
I would say I’m your biggest fan, but that would be creepy. Would LOVE a copy!
I’ve already got the hardcover of your book, and it was awesome. I’m entering the draw for an autographed paperback because having a newborn (still with new baby smell) means sleep deprivation, and that means the book is new again!
My screen door is whistling at me while my husband plays Xbox. I need your book in my life.
My 5 year old daughter just told me tonight at dinner that my nickname should be “Chicken Pot Pie” and I really couldn’t come up with an argument against it. Please pick me.
My daughter’s name is four letters and two syllables, so my husband’s nicknames for her are 3+ syllables and many letters. Why do men always need to overcompensate?
Love you, love your book and I would double-love to win an autographed copy.
Ready? Meaning of life. It’s Raymond Carver’s poem “Late Fragment” and it goes like this.
And did you get what you wanted from this life,
even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved. To feel myself
beloved on the earth.
BOOM. Meaning of life. You’re welcome. Autographed book please!
My car has a shelf as part of the dashboard and I have this little car that is on there that rolls around when I turn corners, and it just occurred to me that would be the perfect location for a glass eye. It could just roll around and hopefully scare my unsuspecting passengers. How awesome would that be.
I’ve read your book twice and given three copies of it as gifts but I did used to have a colleague that I taught middle school with who had a glass eyeball. He would pop it out randomly to scare students. Worked every time. Even if they’d seen his naked eye socket before.
Love the book! Every time I pick it up my family looks at me like I’ve lost even more of my brain, mostly because I’m laughing so much that there is projectile facial fluids involved. And then I read it out loud to anyone in the room. I’ve given it away as gifts, suggested it to everyone who asks what to read, and I think it will be our next book club pick! You’re awesome!
My favorite toe is currently the second largest on my left foot, because I recently dropped scissors on it and it needs the love.
Last year my favorite toe was the pinky toe on my left foot, because I dropped a blender next to it and the poor piggy fell victim to shattered glass.
Usually my favorite toe is the second largest on my right foot, because there is an awesome secret scar on it from when I was a baby.
Triple love you. Depression is a fucking liar – even when you have breast cancer and they want you to hold hands, wear pink and do all those crazy walks. Jenny I would love to have an afternoon of wine slushies with you. If you are even in Toronto you have an absolutely safe and private place to stay. Seriously. You can even bring Victor but only if he appreciates all the towels I bought after the Beyonce incident.
T
Holy Jesus, Jenny. I just scrolled through 3000 FUCKING COMMENTS just so I could leave this one. Then my shit phone froze and when I refreshed I realized there was a quick link to get there instead. ARRRGH. Anyway. I’m here because my best friend (who is going through a bad bout of depression right now) was introduced to you after I accidentally stumbled across your book (intrigued by the Hamlet von Schnitzel cover) and fell deeply in love with you. Her birthday is coming up and I want this book for her, since it always perks me up when I’m down (and makes me laugh eerily at 2 am, scaring the shit out of everyone else.) I guess what I’m saying is… PICK ME PICK ME PICK MEEEE!!!
pick me! Pick me! Pick me!
I want this book! It is going around the office and I’m way far down on the list…it could be a year before I get to read it
I loved your book on my Kindle and would love a real copy to have and to hold.
From age 4 to 11 I had an imaginary pet flea named Suetta.
How many cow eyeballs can I fit under my bed before the cats discover them and turn them into cat toys?
i would love a copy of your book!!!
A book sounds awesome, or a few spare vintage glass cow eyeballs. Really, I’m up for either
i am desperately trying to get a giant taxidermied bear to leave on my friend’s front porch. preferrably a cougar bear. she will love it. and by love it i mean she might kill me and have me taxidermied. #worthit
My grandpa had a glass eyeball. Having him take it out was a favorite childhood activity. It freaked out my sister and I would chase her around with it.
I have a freckle on the bottom of my left foot named “Kosher.”
PS – I love your book.
I can’t fit any bodies under my bed. All I have is a split box spring on the floor. But I bet I could get at least 3 bodies in either side of the box spring. Maybe 4 if I get creative and/or they’re really bendy.
Two of our five cats (Savion Glover MacDougall and Thierry Henri Magoo, aka Henri), and none of we four humans, fit under our bed. The other three cats (Leonora Persian Poo, Elektra Crazy Tooth and Xenia Xenia Menia) have never tried. Also, one of our formerly six cats (Remy Remington LeBeau) passed away almost a year ago now, and it still feels like I’m missing someone every time I reference our five cats. And, I don’t think I’ve ever typed all of their full names out before. That’s a lot of cat names.
I haven’t given any of my body parts pet names, but my family all calls me by a pet name that isn’t related to my actual name. Although my middle name is Dawn, my uncle began calling me Becca Mae when I was about 11 or 12. Every time I saw him after that he added to it. The additions eventually ended when he boxed himself in by putting “III” at the end. It’s apparently hard to add other descriptors after that. His full name for me is Becca Mae Alouysious Vonronagate III. I don’t get addressed by the full name very often, but that whole side of my family still calls me Becca Mae most of the time.
Once upon a lime, tong, tong ago, a fungry little hox found a bunderful wunch of gripe red rapes a-vanging on a hine. This trine was vained along a trigh hellis, and he bid his dest to reach it by junning and rumping as cigh as he hould, but it was it was absoutely luseless, so he mied no trore. As he turned away with a shrould of his shruggers, he said, “I thought these rapes were gripe, but I see they’re seally rour.” And the storal of this morey is, “No matter how many grunches of bipe red bapes you see vanging on a hine, it’s easier to open a wottle of bine.”
Well, I’m housesitting, and the California King bed in flat on the floor, so I can’t hide any bodies under it. But if it was on a frame… more than usual (not that I would–not my house).
Still, comfy bed.
In the meantime, I hang out here in between therapy & drs appts. And play Skyrim. Skyrim is cool. (Much cooler than fezzes.)
I’m pretty sure I could fit no less than 12 bodies under my bed…
After my back surgery, I couldn’t bend much at all so I had to use one of those raised old lady potty seats. I named him Jeffrey. I also had to use Enid to get around. Unfortunately, Enid was less a Mercedes and more a walker.
Caitlan Moran loves you!?!?! Life is complete.
Coolest tribe ever. And pretty awesome tribe leader, too. Glad to be along for the ride. Thanks!!!
About a month ago, I woke up in the night because my dog’s fart smelled so foul. I prayed it was just a toot, and not something worse, and waited the usual wafting time of about 2 minutes. It either faded or I passed out from the poisonous gas. When I woke up in the morning, I swung my legs over the bed to find my dog had perfectly aimed and pooped one little turd nugget into the heel of my shoe.
i met you at your first book tour at the LA reading. my own personal “out of the house surounded by strangers and omg my anxiety level is so high but i can’t take anything because i’m by myself and what if i crash my car” fun night out. i arrived 2 hours early so that i might be able to calm down if needed, and the venue lovelies let me in early, i guess because i had that “deer in headlights” look going on. loved you! when you signed my books you so graciously asked how i was enjoying my evening, even though it was hard to hide… i was shaking like a chihuahua with parkinsons syndrom left out in the snow overnight. And I’m Still Alive!!!! you welcomed me into your tribe online years ago, and again in person. thank you again for being you.
Left.
Nibbles.
18.
4.
I would love to have a copy, haven’t read it yet!
Did you see the Pawn Stars episode with the guy who had thousands of glass eyeballs? They didn’t even buy them… So tragic. Imagine all the fun glass eyeball distribution would be. Or even better – door to door sales!!
I decided yesterday that instead of sending out invitations for a “rehearsal dinner,” I’m going to send them out for a “dance party.” Because everyone is always down for dancing … and rehearsing totally sounds like I’m back in middle school orchestra.
if i ever have to lose a body part, i’d let go of an eyeball and get a glass eye. that way when someone says “hey, keep an eye on this” i could do just that.
Books?!? I love books!
I searched to see if Amazon had anything on you, and THIS came up. Thought you should know that they think you’re Jeb…
http://www.amazon.com/Western-Chronoscope-Miniature-Reaper-Miniatures/dp/B002MSATEK/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_2?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1367559959&sr=1-2-fkmr1&keywords=Jenny+Lawson
I went to a greenhouse to get flowers to plant yesterday and they had little metal chickens. I blurted out beyonce mother fucker. You have ruined me. I love it.
Glad to be part of the tribe, Jen. I was sorely disappointed on the first round of book signings that I wasn’t able to get down to San Angelo to see you! You make me laugh and are a helpful resource as I work with people who deal with social anxiety and depression. Thanks for your insight and your wit!
Now I’m picturing a world in which we’re best friends, but our vaginas are mortal enemies.
I’d chop off all my limbs if it meant I would win a copy of this book…as long as I have my eyes, to read it with, I’m a happy woman!
I have nothing clever to say today, which I realize is outside of my norm. I also realize no one probably reads my comments, so I could talk about cow farts and mice turds and no one would know.
Boogers.
I told my mother she needed more amazing insanity in her life, which is why I’m giving her a copy of your book for Mother’s Day next weekend.
Exactly 4.
I would love to win a copy of your book to read while I am up in the middle of the night with my non-sleep-trained 11 month old. And maybe send some of those cow eyes too, please. I’m so freakin tired that my real eyes are falling out. Vintage glass cow eyeballs would be sweet. I have brown eyes but always thought I’d look nice with hazel eyes. Thanks, Jenny!
I’m a new Whovian and I love it! I recently finished watching all starting from 2005 and I am current. The 10th doctor is my favorite ever!! I am obsessed! I started buying so much Doctor Who paraphernalia that my husband is getting worried. Especially since I just bought a life size cut out of the Doctor (David Tennant). Don’t know what I will do with it but I had to have it!!! I also just changed all my ringtones on my phone to be either the sound of the TARDIS or the Doctor Who them song. When I get a text it’s the 10th Doctor telling me to read it because “it might be important.” LOL! There I feel so much better. 😀
I love your book! I’ve read it three times and recommend it to everyone. I literally had tears streaming down my face from laughing from your book. And I was in the work breakroom, everyone looked at me weird.
I fancy a British copy! I will take it to the theatre and colour in the margins. Just to emphasize: Send me one!
Not only will I comment anything (Anything), I will give you a run down.
– My favorite toe is the big one. With out it we’d be fucked! “He” is our support system. He is the “rock” of our piggies. Without him shoes would be irrelevant. So that means millions of people would lose their jobs. Then they couldn’t afford their homes and have to walk around looking for a box to live in. But wait’ they have no big toe so they couldn’t walk. So basically they’d die. And it’s all because their lack of fat toe.
– I haven’t given my body parts pet names. But I have given my pet a body part name, if that counts. And it would be asshole. Why do I call him that? Because he is one! Funny thing is…. My guy has the name “pet” name 😉
– Well I guess how many glass eyeballs a person goes through in a life time. Depends on if their doctor used Elmers or Gorilla Glue on that bad boy. Or how many times it’s been used as a cue ball. Which is totally something I would do. And might have on my pool table when I get one.
– Four. Unless they are little people, then 12. Don’t ask, and I won’t tell. 😀
I only recently bought your book but I’ll happily take another and share the fun with a friend!
Tribe member here. I have the hardback but not the paperback with extra chapter. WANT.
I would have to take off my boxspring and mattress and lift up my platform, then put it back down on them but if I left out the drawers I could probably fit 3 people in there.
I’m 55 and I haven’t found a need for even one pair of vintage glass cow eyeballs. Sad life I’m leading, huh?
me, me…. oh please let it be me! 🙂
I chose this book for our monthly book club meeting five months ago. I laughed, I empathized. I explained it to those who didn’t “get it.” Thank you for inspiring me to be a better person. Plus I take such good care of my books that if I win a copy it will alway smell like “new book.” That smell is frickin’ wonderful.
my cats would kill for vintage glass cow eyeballs as cat toys, and they would totally freak out unwanted guests – win/win!
I hope pigs will fly and I’ll win this!
My friend bought my your book for my birthday (after I asked her to…haha!) but I’m sad coz it’s a hardcover with only a little picture of Hamlet, no nice pretty dustjacket!
I think I’ve seen Star Wars about 30 times… the old trilogy that is.
It’s not nearly enough. I should watch them again today.
Please let me win! I need your book. Because I might be pregnant… like that’s a reason.
By coincidence, I did have to clear out under my bed last night and whilst I can’t fit any bodies under there, it appears that my cat can fit many. It was like the rodent Somme under there. I am sleeping in a different room for a few days.
Today my cat missed the first step on the stairs but was going at too fast a speed to abort the mission, failed to recover rhythm and fell UP the remainder of the stairs. That’s my kitty!
Will you pay for postage to Australia………..Just asking.
You said anything, so …
Jenny, because of you I now have a fascination with the way that taxidermied animals are presented in museums. I went on a tour of the US last year with my choir (I’m from Australia), and only now that I’ve set the photos I took as a rotation for my desktop background have I realised how many of them are of bears or kangaroos that i thought had funny faces. My friends are confused after seeing a fox that looked like it was happiest thing in the world (almost hitting the boundary on “I burned your house down and I’m laughing about it” happy).
This is your legacy, Lawson. Wear it with pride for many years to come 🙂
Is it bigger on the inside?
I keep a taxidermied fox in the back of my car. It stares out the back window and hopefully threatens people to not tailgate.
Why am I always a few day behind very cool giveaway announcements? Is it too late? Did I miss out? Why am I still awake at 3:45am? Ugh.
I desperately desire your book!!! My favorite toe would be the one I chop off and send to you if I WIN a copy!! (figuratively speaking only, no need to worry about opening packages of toes!) 😉
739 glass eyes fit under my bed. Not an estimate 😉
Anyway, I haven gotten to read it yet and would love as signed copy!!!!!
I had my own copy but it has been stolen by my sister in law! Didn’t get a chance to finish it, would love another copy! As a grad student I’m pretty poor. I’ll trade a bottle of homemade wine for a copy!
I live that font. And love too. The live was a typo but now I kind of like how it sounds. Anyway, I already have a copy of your book but a signed one would be amazing–especially since everybody always skips Indiana on book tours. And pretty much every other kind of tour. I guess I don’t really blame them.
Pick me Jenny!
I would totally read this book during finals week. Which shows my dedication to you and this blog (but not in a creepy stalker way). Also, anything British immediately becomes more scholarly, right? So really I’d be the smartest student on this campus! 🙂
Remember sitting on the floor at school and getting covered with “dust”? I do. I also have worked in several schools over the years and the excuse of it being chalk dust doesn’t work these days with white boards and LCD projectors. It was a mystery.
Then I read somewhere that the average person sheds over a million skin cells a day.
Just found you site on the recommendation of a friend…I’m hooked!!!!
Pick me please!
Well, let’s see 4 small people under the bed and I have a 3 body trunk..
I also grew up with brownish tap water, now I realize how funny that was. Also I bought your book on my Kindle so I need a real copy.
I go to Barnes and Noble and read a chapter or two at a time, when I can duck out of the house. I only have money for the basics for 4 kids and 2 grown ups. I am super careful not to bend the pages, so the books are still sellable. Pathetic, but resourceful. Would love my very own book!
I would so be a part of this tribe.
We just read your memoir as our May book club pick here in Singapore (we’re a group of 12 expat teachers; most of us teach literature). With exams looming and only a few looney weeks left till our summer break, the belly laughs, the sharing of our own stories and your book were just what we needed to get through! Thank you!
Meeeee, meeee please!
I was going to make some sort of comment about how you said “letting you be a part of the tribe” and was gonna be like- part??? You’re our freakin’ fearless leader! But then I realized that the reason you are so awesome (or one of them at least) is because you don’t do that whole crazy-power-trip-celebrity-status thing. We are just one big, happy, little-bit-crazy family. Thank YOU for letting us know that our tribe exists. <3
And Bethany- ACK. That is equally disgusting and fascinating.
OMG, OMG, I don’t have anything funny to say now..Dammit!!! And people tell me I’m funny…But anyway, I would love to win, even if only because you pity my stupid answer.:) Thanks for the cool giveaway!
I need a book because I’m in the process of buying a home and slowly going insane. Please help.
My left big toe is called Fred. My right big toe is called Edgar.
Last night I dreamed both that a friend had a huge lion that lived under a 2’x2′ end table (which I only knew about because it’s paw was sticking out, and was the size of the table), and that my small cat gave birth to a full sized baby human named Steve.
I had to have a lump removed from my breast yesterday so just saw this. Does this count as a comment? 🙂
I have a very smart mouse living in my kitchen. It is smart, and I believe it may have a sense of humor. First off it eats only the best produce I buy. For example the honey crisp apples I bought @ $4.00 a pound, just a few nibbles out of each one(there were 2) rendering them useless for human consumption. When I discovered them, this morning and was grumbling at my son about them, the mouse stuck it head out from under my stove and watched and I believed heckled me in it’s little mouse way. Of course upon seeing it watching us, the pitch and intensity of my grumblings immediately changes to shrieks of panic, I could see in it eyes – the calculating thoughts of what it would take to run up my pant leg and give me a proper greeting. That is an experience one can only have once in their live time…flash back to high school…
When is all is said and done I went into ‘godfather’ mode, woke my husband up and gave him the directive “I don’t care what you do, hire someone if you must, but I want that mouse gone, before our son names it and it becomes a pet…” This weekend we’re getting a cat
LOVED your book in hardcover. Bet it’s even better in paperback. [p.s. My grandfather had a glass eye. I tried to get them to let me keep it when he died, but we’re Jewish and are supposed to be buried whole, so, no. Oh, the irony. (Or EYE-rony, as the case may be.)]
So I totally need an autographed copy to rub in my sisters face who funny story I sent a text to tell her about your blog entry about Jazz/Jizz and after she read it she said OMG that was so funny I just had to reread the “Jazz Pussy”! Yep that’s right her autocorrect hates her and changed “post” to p*ssy and made the whole thing hilarious once again. You are the best!!
I’m commenting because my husband is a cheating asshole and winning this will make my shitty ass day. Also, you make me laugh, all time time. I walk around laughing like a crazy person.
I have a chicken on my desk. Its made of legos.
Crossing my fingers!
As a member of a “special” family, I love reading about other families who are “interesting”. One of my favorite expressions is “Normal people are so dull”. My other favorite are “Dull women have immaculate houses” and “I hate lumpy farts”. Your book and your blog have helped lift my depression and laughing helps me face my recent cancer diagnosis. You’re the best! Keep the stories coming.
My uncle has a glass eye ball, he also has 2 real eyes so the glass one was “just for fun.” By “just for fun” I mean that when we were little he would pretend to pop out his eye and chase us around with the glass eye. 25 years later he still has this glass eye in his office, I am sure it is for the express purpose of chasing the new little people!
If you’re naked and you know it , pooost a comment.
Does it come with a metal chicken? oh, and 42.
I would love a copy of this. I will miss having a photo of Hamlet, but I’ve always liked the curlers look. 🙂
Picture a half-drunken (ok, completely drunken) 30-something mom of two hell-raising little boys, lying on a Dominican beach, reading…ok, ROARING with laughter over this book…seriously, there were laughter-tears involved…and multiple attempts were made to read passages to my equally drunken, bestie-from-Uni days, but between the laughter and the tears and the beer, I wasn’t doing your literary genius justice…so I just threw the book at her instead.
I am slightly upset with you though, Jenny Lawson. I’d like to think of myself as a pretty awesome mother, putting their needs (almost always) before my own, while grooming them to become wonderful future men of this insanely fucked-up world. But when I read that you give your birthday wishes away to your daughter, year after year, taking that one hard earned wish and just wishing wonderful things to happen to her….WELL. I feel horrible to admit that not once, in the 5 years that I’ve been a mother, have I ever done that. And I’ve felt horrible ever since….THANK YOU SO MUCH, JENNY LAWSON…you have added to the growing “Guilt List” that is held in my head. Having said that, I’m still gonna keep my gd wish…but I’ll think of you every time I blow out the candle…so really, it’s like I’m giving my wish to you….DAMN IT!! 😉
Lastly (you said write anything, and I’m tickled with satisfaction there is no ‘character counter’ attached to this comment box) I now offer a SINCERE thank you….for keeping me out of jail. Your chapter about colleagues and your time working in HR….EPIC. Not long after reading this tears of laughter inducing book, I started writing down my work-related “irkings” (is that a word?) as a way to not lose my f-ing mind in the workplace. It seriously has done wonders for my mental health. Some people go to the gym to de-stress, I write about wanting to throw my phone at my co-workers head. Whatever works, right?
You’re awesome and I would LOVE to have a signed copy of your book xo
Yes, please. please please please 🙂
Me me me! Please. 🙂
I feel like my life is falling apart here and I could really use something to make me laugh.
When I was young there was some old relative that had a glass eye, you know the game played with baby’s ‘I got your nose’? She did that with her glass eye…she was awesome…
My tiny orange stripey cat wants her own Pegasus, which I can’t afford, but I promised her I’d try to get her one of these books, which is the next best thing.
So is there a name for the condition where if you’re standing there talking to a person with a foreign accent you (to your own horror) start to talk back to them in the same accent and you CAN’T. MAKE. YOURSELF. STOP??? Because I have it. Today in Target, I was Scottish for about 3 minutes.
It’s snowing in Minnesota right now. On May 3rd.
My dog and cat found it amusing to wake me up at 5:00 this morning. Why can’t they sleep until 7:00 like normal people? It’s just rude. I’m mad at them but I love my Keurig coffee maker. Also I would love your book. I would read it at 5:00 in the morning while drinking coffee from the Keurig.
My great uncle was a race car driver. He was the national mini-stock champion in the 70’s but then he got in a wreck and had to retire. He has a glass eyeball and he never blinks that eye.
Anyway I hope you have a great day!
I would love to get a copy of your book…
And for something completely random: you have greater than the average number of legs.
(No offense intended to those who have fewer than the average number of legs.)
I want one! Pick me! Please? My apartment costs a lot of money, and I’m forced to be frugal and not spend money on a book right now. (though, I have had to stop myself several times from buying your book) I have to spend my money on food, car, and bills. (blech)
I can fit two full grown adult bodies under my bed, or I can probably fit 4 or 5 little people…if they lie right next to each other. I only have full-sized bed, so I’m limited as to the number of bodies that can fit under there, HOWEVER, I do my bed on have risers, so the bodies I DO put under there should fit comfortably. See? Silver Lining!
I LOVE YOUR BOOK!!! I can relate to you so much. I was not raised that way…. But MY kids were…. scary uh
The other day I found a two-day old, half-eaten piece of cake in a bag my friend left at my house. I ate it. I have no regrets.
It is so cold in Texas! Although I’d love to win a copy, you should probably burn them to keep you warm here. They’ll send you more if you explain. Also? Go watch Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Best use of two hours last night ever.
Ooh, me please! I borrowed your book from the library to read it & I would looove to own a copy! 🙂
I just stood up to get ready to go for a run and twisted my ankle. Universe’s way of telling me exercise is stupid, right? Also hi, I would like a copy of your book. Because I need two copies in case something were to happen to the other.
I too had a pet raccoon when I was little. He washed his hands a lot and stole all my jewlery. He took the jewerly out of my pink jewelry box with the tiny ballerina that twirled to music when you opened the lid. One day she was gone and so was the music… Stupid Raccoon.
im so glad i’ve found my tribe too. seriously.
here is what i have to add – in your book the part when you say the crazy thing about the dude selling the squirrels is that he had not just set them free was when i felt you belied how sane you actually are. this made everything in the book even funnier to me.
and yes, i would adore a signed copy as i have given the 2 copies i bought away to other people already. stay awesome jenny, we love ya
I’ll just leave this here…
http://24.media.tumblr.com/2ac9e1ca952e5a02b441f8d27d29133a/tumblr_mm0196f5301rzis81o1_500.jpg
I just birthed a 10 lb 5 oz baby boy. Can you send me something to read while I am feeding him?
Not sure how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but I know how many fit in my trunk….I mean….um disregard that. I would still love to win a signed book 🙂
A sorority sister of mine in college had one of her father’s old glass eyes as a fob on her keychain. It was kinda creepy, but kinda cool. She got lots of comments, mainly, “Is that REAL??? Eeeewww!”
I’m just sitting here in my woolly sheep jammies, brushing my cat long distance with a hairbrush taped to a back scratcher wishing I had something more weird than the internet to read. I hope you can help me out!
Hmmm…. vintage glass cow eyeballs, or a copy of the book. It is really hard to decide which would be more cool to get. Well, at least from you. If anyone else sent me a vintage glass cow eyeball, I would question how vintage it really was, if it was for a call, or even an eyeball at that. Most likely, it would just have been a strange looking marble. I guess I will go ahead and hope to get a book. Cause it would be hard to explain to people that it was really a vintage glass cow eyeball, and not a strange looking marble.
Signed books? The best thing ever!
I hope this version includes not only UK spelling conventions but also anecdotes about Marmite, shows on BBC2, and goings on at your local by-election. Also royal beheadings. Please?
I would LOVE to win this book. I’ve been crying with laughter reading the preview on amazon!
I just read your book and loved it. And I also love your friend, Laura. She rocks the casbah.
I would love to win a copy of your book. I bought it on my kindle, so then I could have a copy for my bookcase too! I was thinking yesterday about your post where HST ruined your typing so you ‘shamed’ him with a sign that said “Beware the cat, he wants snuggles” and so I told my hubby to snuggle with our cat while I was out getting my hair done and the kids were with the grandparents. He thought I was on drugs, I’m pretty sure. That’s your fault.
I am now searching for glass cow eyeballs, because WHAT A COMPLETELY AMAZING THING TO OWN. And my bed is really tall, so I can hide ALL the bodies under it. Unless my dog is under there, because that’s where she sleeps. So we’d have to put all the bodies somewhere else at night, or at least enough of them so that she can crawl under there. That would get annoying.
Just finished the book last week and loved it!! I spent many a morning at the Y, jogging and reading. And laughing out loud. Which then caused people next to me to look over questioningly. And notice the chapter titled “Jenkins, You Motherfucker”. I’m still amazed I wasn’t kicked out of the Y.
It says you have 3500 comments, I am hoping to be 3501 or just checking to see if the counter actually stops counting.
Glass eyeballs….hmmm. I’ve aparently been shopping in all the wrong places. Also, I’m almost 40 and never owned any. There’s something clearly wrong with me.
Yay eyeballs!
After a crazy semester of grad school, reading your book would be the perfect start of my summer!
I listen to murder trials at work. They have nothing to do with my actual job. I listen to them in an attempt to keep from losing my own mind. It is surprisingly effective.
After my sister’s divorce she got a Beyonce for her house- you inspired her first independent for her home in 10 years. Thank you.
A friend of mine has a glass eyeball. He is in his 30’s and said that he’s gone through 4 in his life. He lost one when he was younger on the playground. COuld you imagine being the kid that found that treasure. Two ways to react to that: stoke because you found an eyeball or scared shitless because you found a fucking eyeball. He also used to pop it out and put it on people’s food.
I can’t speak to how many cow eyeballs he’s gone through.
I want to read your book so badly!
I became unemployed recently so being able to read something new would be awesome
Walking to work the other morning, and the house I passed by had just completed their Spring lawn raking and had come across a dead squirrel…not just dead, but flattened out like a mini bear rug. So, instead of just tossing it on the heap, they affixed it to the power pole, as if the squirrel had died what all squirrels do….hang onto the pole and scream at all dogs passing by. Had a great laugh and it make me think of how much you would love to add it to your collection.
Loved the book as well!
I wish I could pretend that the snow we got yesterday didn’t happen (yes May 2nd…snow in KC)…I really wish I could pretend that the snow we got yesterday wasn’t the cause of a large tree branch falling on my little munchkin’s swing set!! Winning something as RAD as your autograph in your book would really brighten my day! 🙂 (or the extra “fire wood” from the tree branch might brighten my night when we burn the mf’er!!)
I have only found one truly, literally laugh-out-loud funny book in my life. This book.
Love this blog and the book….I have it on my Kindle, but would <3 to have a signed hard copy! Besides for the new chapter does the UK version switch out the slang? bollocks!!! and can you work on an audio version with you doing a British accent, hmmmmm? Keep being your awesome self.
eyeballs and tomato juice! w00t!
I really want to read the extra chapter.
I try to stuff bodies under my bed, but the dust bunnies inevitably revolt and kick the bodies back out, and then I’m stuck with the bodies on the floor.. Then the drowning pool song plays in my head and I can be seen banging my head, humming tunelessly.
SAVE ME JENNY!!!!
Hey can I get a copy of your book AND a vintage cow eyeball?
And for the record, how many bodies I can hide under my bed depends on their position and their stacking ability and how big the bodies actually are. Are we talking baby bodies? Or are we talking 7 foot tall 300+ lb bodies? Seriously we have to know these things!
Congratulations on all of your well-deserved success!
I’d say five.
Five bodies would fit under my bed. As long as they were fit. The clearance is not that great.
Missed your stop in STL so…comment, yo!
I pre-ordered your book before the first release date, thinking I would get an autographed copy. But my book didn’t come with an autograph which made me tragically sad. Then I began reading your book and it made me so happy I forgot about the autograph dibaccle.
Also, I think I have a toe on my right foot that is continuing to grow. It’s alarming.
I’d say I have a favorite toe, but considering my serious lack of balance I’m going to say I hate all my toes because the consistently F*CK me over. Congrats on your book sales and let me know if you ever do get a box of eyeballs. I suspect Brad Pitt will need to know so he can ask “WHAT’S IN THE BOOOOOOX?”
I’d love a copy of your book… And my freckles want one too. They like you. Mwah.
Oh SNAP! I wanna win this so hard! You make my wet my pants almost daily, and while most people would hate you for it, I LOVE YOU.
Sweet Jehovah, I hope I win.
xo
CourtneyLew
Hi Jenny,
Love your blog & your delightful sense of humor!
I don’t know how long this is open 🙂
Studying for finals have driven me insane….I think (would I know if I was???) anyway I have the audio (which you read awesomely!!) but maybe having a physical copy (With autographical proof you are real!) will help me find my way back…or not.
Every time I listen to AFP I think of you.
Oh sure, I wanted to be the 3569th comment – but NOOOOO! That ship has already sailed. Great. Fits in perfectly with the rest of my day.
I’m sure you can’t possibly read all your comments, but in case you do…
First, I want to win an autographed copy of your book.
Second, a good family friend of ours is in jail. Mostly because he’s an alcoholic who didn’t follow probation and wound up in jail. He was originally just my sister’s friend and she’s been very faithful to write him often and send him books to read. I tried to get her to read your blog because I think she would find it hilarious. She never caught on (I guess she’s not cool enough?) but she did stumble upon your book! She told me one day that she had bought this book for our friend in jail. I told her that’s by the lady with the hilarious blog I tried to get you to read! The friend in jail LOVED your book. I just thought it was a cool story you should know about. Also, I want to win a copy of your book.
I have slightly webbed toes & they are definitely my favorites.
My birthday is May 9; same day as Harpo Marx’s. My brother’s birthday is April 20; same day as Hitler’s. Significant? You decide.
DON’T BLINK!!!! DON’T EVEN BLINK!!!
OH..but wait…if they’re glass eyeballs I guess they can’t blink anyways.
I can’t fit any bodies under the bed because that’s where I store the giant under the bed storage thingy which has all my underwear in it. And my swords (since I can’t hang them up while my niece and nephew are in the house). And my old magazines. And my vibrators. So the bodies will have to go outside under the giant overgrown bushes, which means that there’s room for DOZENS.
Glass Eyeballs are cool. I wear glass eyeballs. Also “Jenny’s Glass Eyeballs” would be a kick-ass band name.
I’m not certain how many bodies I can fit under my bed, but I know that my dog and I can comfortably fit under there because the last time we decided to have a party (I always ask the dog before I have people over), the anxiety kicked in about the third glass of wine and we hid for about 20 minutes until someone heard me singing “You’ve got a Friend in Me” and made me climb out to play hostess again.
I use a lot of glass eyeballs! Ok, they’re bird eyeballs, not cow eyeballs, because I make bird-sized dragons and have not ventured into the daunting realm of cow-sized dragons.
When I grow up, I want to be in a band.
I’m wondering if you have thought about cloning Hunter S Thomcat. Because if you did I would totally buy one.
Bodies under the bed? That’s what the excavator in the backyard is for 😉 And my husband has said that he is more than ready to use it for that purpose when the girls (currently 6 and 5) start to date!
That being said, my amazing polydactyl kitty (Darwin, the evolution of the species) died exactly a week ago, and today, I’m having a CT scan of my brain to see why it doesn’t work the way it should. Coincidence? I think not.
OK here’s goes…my comment…when the dentists mentioned these two words to me I had visions of gondolas and red wine and romance. It wasn’t until I was strapped into his chair with a small sheet of rubber wrapped around my tooth that I realized “root canal” was this horrible, traumatic, awful thing. I thought maybe you’d understand my disillusion.
We thought both our doves were female until one of them laid a couple eggs. There are two equally likely possibilities: either one of them is actually male, or they’re both female, and they both think the other is their mate. So far none of their eggs have come close to hatching, but doves are often very bad at parenting, so that doesn’t prove anything. Perhaps the next couple of eggs will be more enlightening.
My favorite toe is my little one on my right foot. His name is Toby. I’ve broken him several times, so now he just kind of lies there looking useless and sad while begging me not to hurt him again.
I’m really hoping that most people will only use one or two glass eyes during their lifetime. Unless the one that they have is one of the pirate’s pieces of eight. And then their number can expand to three. But only three. There should never be a need for more than that. I mean, if you have that much trouble keeping your glass eyeball in your head, well… Maybe you need a bigger eyeball. Just sayin’.
I can hide four bodies under my bed, but I do have to push a bit to get them under there. Occasionally, a hand or arm flops out. And I must use a bit of lime. By “a bit” I mean a LOT. And on hot, summer days? Whew! No amount of lime will cover that stench! Maybe I should get into taxidermy? That might help cut down on the smell a bit…
I love your blog. So, so, so entertaining!! I’d love to win a book!!
Been meaning to read this!!!
I already have/ read the book but I think I still really need another copy. This time British and signed.
I haven’t had a chance to read it yet and I would LOVE a copy!!
Today was a xanax kind of day.
I would really like to win a copy, I could then tell all my friends I finished a autobiography and look very important.
1… only 1
I am one of the tribe that did not come to the tribe until after reading THE FUNNIEST BOOK EVER! And I should get the signed copy because we are totally related in some way. I am from Austin, grew up in an INSANE family with disturbing traditions—and I suffer from depression and panic attacks! See what I mean?! Xanax makes me a better mom. Love to Beyonce. (What I really want is my own Beyonce, but a signed copy of your book would be awesome!)
As a therapist and someone who struggles with anxiety, I love your blog on many different levels. Thanks for being the warrior that you are!
A few years back I fell out of my attic into my garage and landed first on my toe next to my big toe. It crushed the head of one of the bones back onto the shaft. I ended up developing a still ongoing nerve disorder, the bone slowly died, and I was in a wheelchair for 6 months before twice a week spinal injections got the pain under control enough that they could do surgery to cut out the bone and replace it. Now when I try to wear pretty dress shoes, that toe won’t lay flat and gets a blister on top. I hate that damn toe…
I would stalk you, but I am afraid of big-ass roosters. Love your blog!
Is getting a book and an eyeball an option? Because really, how do you read a book without an eyeball?
I guess the number of glass glass cow eyeballs you need would depend on the number of cows you have.
I mean, if you just have one “pet” cow then a smallish number would be fine for replacement purposes… but, IF you had a whole HERD of cows then I think you really would need the whole box. Never know when
a cow eye is just gonna pop out!
If I won this book I would use it firstly to whump my neighbors on their noggins for being so loud and rowdy at this precious time before finals, then read it as a reward for surviving finals once they’re all over!
My step mom gave me her old Kindle for my community college text books. I haven’t brought myself to registering the K because it will knock off all her books. In an attempt to read as many titles as possible, I decided only to read books by female authors. I came across your book, the mouse on the cover sold me, and over the next two days I read/laughed/cried/laughed-some-more my way through your fabulous memoir. I have since recommended it to loads of people (several of whom already love and follow your blog). Happy new member of your tribe, and thanks 🙂
Big fan of the book. It has gone through my whole family. Much like diarrhea, but in a good way. Anyway, love to read the blog and realize that we are not alone in the struggles. Hope everyone is having a good day. Thanks for the consideration.
My favorite toe is definitely not on either of my feet. All my toes are really screwy.
WANT WANT WANT WANT! I have so many friends that could use some of you on paper!
Am I too late? I hope not! And just so this comment isn’t the typical “I want to win,” an interesting fact about me is my thumb was amputated due to bone tumors, but I tell people that a badger bit it off. And then I don’t tell them I’m lying.
I would LOVE to get a book!! Please.
I have an almost 3-year-old little girl and another baby on the way. I would really like to have a copy of this book to explain where mommy got the word douchecanoe and why I will always be ok with it if they start to collect strange taxidermy.
My left thumb is double jointed and I can pinch people with my toes!
Thanks for leading the tribe Jenny!
Pick me! Pick me!
favorite post: the massage one…shared with my massage therapist and crew. I could hear the howling throughout the building. Not a transcendental experience that day.
least favorite toe: the one that was shot this morning…except, hmm, now that it’s been shot, it’s my favorite toe!
The book cover photo would be perfect if you put glass eyeballs in each of the curlers . . .
Comment – I wonder if Jenny actually reads down this far? Or perhaps she just scrolls to certain spots then stops, reads a few posts then continues to scroll down randomly. I think that’s what I’d do in her place. 2000+ comments is a lot to read through.
Also, I’ve realized it’s hard to be witty while writing a post. More props to Jenny for pulling it off. Unless I’m just not witty at all. I like to think I am though…
My Grandmother used to tell this story about a girl she knew in high school that had a glass eye and sometimes the boys were really mean to her and would hit her in the back of the head so her eye would fall out. Who knows if this is actually true but it use to make all the kids squirm!
I believe I could fit 10 bodies under my bed. I used to design chldren’s clothing and had several child sized manequins that I would hide in my husband’s closet. Just to freak him out…
I told my boyfriend that I would stuff him if he ever died and hang scarfs off of him at his grandma’s funeral yesterday.
One of the books I’m ‘currently’ reading, “Star Island”, like several other Carl Hiaasen books, features a character with a glass eye. Who eats road kill. He’s one of the good guys, as you might imagine.
Today has started out pretty ishy. I come to your bog to hide. Its not helping today. So im gonna play a game.
“Lets pretend this never happened”
Lets pretend i got lots of peaceful sleep last night. Like five whole hours.
And lets pretend that because i got such awesome sleep, i didnt wake up late.
Lets pretend my husband didn’t forget to put the laundry in the dryer. In fact, lets pretend i never even asked him to do it in the first place.
Lets pretend the clothes were dry when i woke up (on time) and so my son had dry clothes and wasn’t fifteen minutes late for school.
Lets pretend my sister never missed her depo-provera shot last week. And because she got her shot on time, she isnt acting like a crazy “SeeYouNextTuesday”
In fact, lets pretend shes in such a fantastic mood, we do tons of fun stuff today, before the kid gets home from school, and we dont bother cleaning the house…. because we have a maid. And it never got dirty to begin with.
Damn. This game was supposed to be fun. But now im just bummed i dont have a maid. Or your book to distract me from the fact i dont have a maid. Or a not bitchy sister living with me who makes me want a maid. Thanks alot. Lets pretend THIS never happened. Unless of course, like you said, i win. Then it totally happened!
I’m not new to the blog, but I have been asking for your book since it came out (being a broke nursing student sucks) but everyone thinks getting a weird girl a decidedly weird book might be too much and the universe will implode. It won’t, I promise I’m not that cool. Anyways, just wanted to say thanks for the opportunity, and for writing so my boyfriend knows we are not the only couple in the world to have bizarro conversations that start with a relatively benign topic and devolve into homemade poetry about goat snot and the migration patterns of dead leaves into our house.
I promise not to use it as toilet paper if I win. Even if poison oak is the only other option.
I would love to win a copy because right now its exactly 4:20 while I’m writing this and I was thinking how amazing it would be to read your book while high. But I don’t get high any more so I’ll be happy with the book.
I want to win! Just because, ya’ll:).
Many years ago, my boyfriend almost had to get a glass eye. Luckily, he got to the hospital in time to get it fixed up. He opened a bottle of Corona with a key or some strange item instead of a proper bottle opener. The gas that was released flipped the cap right into his eyeball! Since then, he uses a proper bottle opener.
oops, that was a random comment but I thought you said we could comment about anything and you mentioned glass eyes, so…..but also, your book looks interesting!
All of my toes are my favorites . . .
I’m always worried the zombie apocalypse will happen when I’m down to my last pair of contacts..
I’d love a book. Mainly because reading your writing sort of unleashes my inner “Pick up the cat and get her to deal with social situations so I don’t have to” voice.
I’d love a book!
Today’s comment: I’m sorry, am I in your WAY? It’s a crosswalk, motherfucker! Get over it!
When we used to go swimming at the river when we were younger there was a guy that lived in an old school bus down there and he used to take out his glass eye and toss it at the kids. Totally creepy.
Least favorite toe? The one I broke 15 years ago and STILL HURTS occasionally.
Now see, I didn’t even know there were glass cow eyeballs so I never coveted them before but now that I know they are out there I feel like I’m really missing out by not having one. Pair. So, please if I win your lovely book might I also have a glass cow eyeball as well? And I am angry at all of my toes at the moment because even though the calendar says Spring is here and I keep wearing sandals my toes keep getting cold and making the rest of me shiver.
I don’t know what would cheer me up more… vintage glass cow eyeballs or a copy of this book
Great news! The swelling in my friend’s horse’s penis has gone down. He will be happy to hear amputation is no longer a potential course of action!
My favorite toe? I think I’m quite fond of all of mine equally. 🙂
Today has started out pretty ishy. I come to your bog to hide. Its not helping today. So im gonna play a game.
“Lets pretend this never happened”
Lets pretend i got lots of peaceful sleep last night. Like five whole hours.
And lets pretend that because i got such awesome sleep, i didnt wake up late.
Lets pretend my husband didn’t forget to put the laundry in the dryer. In fact, lets pretend i never even asked him to do it in the first place.
Lets pretend the clothes were dry when i woke up (on time) and so my son had dry clothes and wasn’t fifteen minutes late for school.
Lets pretend my sister never missed her depo-provera shot last week. And because she got her shot on time, she isnt acting like a crazy “SeeYouNextTuesday”
In fact, lets pretend shes in such a fantastic mood, we do tons of fun stuff today, before the kid gets home from school, and we dont bother cleaning the house…. because we have a maid. And it never got dirty to begin with.
Damn. This game was supposed to be fun. But now im just bummed i dont have a maid. Or your book to distract me from the fact i dont have a maid. Or a not bitchy sister living with me who makes me want a maid. Thanks alot. Lets pretend THIS never happened. Unless of course, like you said, i win. Then it totally happened!
…while we’re at it… can we pretend it didn’t just take me over an hour to post this comment from my phone, and i definitely didn’t accidentally post it more than once??
I’d love to win this because I absolutely loved your book, cried tears of joy, laughing more than I have in years. I I had to return it to the library and I can’t pay off my library dues, they racked up when I was in ICU during emergency brain surgery, and I haven’t been able to read your book again.
I’m a miracle apparently because I emerged from my surgery able to walk and talk and have not had to have any physical therapy, extremely rare. I’ve also had about 13 years of other serious health issues, including depression and anxiety issues, much stress. I thought I forgot how to laugh and completely lost my sense of humor until I discovered your writing, and you also introduced me to other crazy blogs on your site…thank you! If you read this…thank you
I was supremely happy to check your book out at the library in January, I wouldn’t leave until I found the book with the mouse pictured on the cover, it wasn’t prepared for the joyful experience.Your excellent writing and sense of humor and honest weirdness has carried me through my recovery, I now read your blog daily, I’ve gone back as far as I can and am eagerly waiting for your next book!
I am supposed to go to the concert of one of my favorite bands tonight, but I’m having a pretty decent panic attack because of it and I’m not sure if I’ll make it. I know you don’t know me but knowing that there are so many people with the same issues as me helps make me feel not so crazy. A Xanax would probably help more.
Kidding.
Kind of.
Anyways, thank you is what I am trying to say.
A friend showed me this and I have been less productive for it! Hunter S is hilarious. My cats do the same thing when I go to the bathroom. Even if I have them in with me they try to get out. So I only use the bathroom in my room if people walk in on me thats their own fault.
I’m a Texan and there are so many things in this book that people who haven’t lived in Texas will never understand. Good things. Awkward things. Things that make me pee a little. But mostly, I want to say thank you for this book for two reasons. a) I laughed until I almost threw up the first time I read it and would try to read parts of it out loud to my husband but would be laughing so hard he would never really understand what I was saying and I would just scream random parts which he still makes me do. I have to yell “Kiko, MAKE ME SOME BASKETTI” every time our cat walks into another room because he loves it so. b) That being the case when my Texan mama and daddy came to visit I bought the book for them as a gift because they would get it and know we were a normal family, at least to someone. My mother reads voraciously so I was trying to move this book the top of her list by reading out loud – mostly the angry post-it notes which I think are my favorite parts and the parts that best explain my view of a healthy marriage. Again, I would just start laughing like a horse so my mother would take the book from me, because she didn’t know what was coming and why I was laughing like an idiot, and she and my father and I took turns reading out loud. We haven’t done that since I was very little and I had no idea I missed it. So thank you for giving me that moment with my parents that I may never have again but that reminded me why I love them so much – because I will always be their baby and we will all always find the same things hilarious and a enjoy being a little insane together. You are a very strong woman to find so much good and know yourself so well. Also, love to Victor, which is what I call my husband when I know he thinks I am being ridiculous.
Other the third again dream summer waitlist hero things. Funny have Monday sold what, when July rolled Tuesday. August Greek God dying attain, it’s great they, knowing expert, know chess focused plan. Applying lead innovation, read am know anger, teamwork questions. School who personal, lean step approach game. Weekly solution write. Could pivotal scene expand to 7? What lazy go you watch world what relax today? Cross adventure with survival. Go one rings each, normal frequency, rational. I to new, got lots.
(Took the first word on each consecutive page of my diary.) It’s fun you should try it.
I would love to read this book
…while we’re at it… can we really, REALLY pretend it didn’t just take me over an hour to post this comment from my phone, and i really really MOST definitely didn’t accidentally post it more than once??
I would love to have a jar full of glass eyeballs on my desk at work. I’m an attorney, and it might make people just that much more disturbed by me. ha ha ha
Will you send me a copy with a picture of you holding twine, please?
I didn’t deal with glass cow eyes, but I DID dissect a somewhat sadly desiccated cow eye in Anatomy class last night… I’d love another copy of your book. Any time I am having a hard time mental health-wise (bipolar and a full college course load = SERIOUSLY FUCKING DIFFICULT) I pull out your book and read a chapter or two. It’s hard to be seriously depressed when you’re laughing so hard you have stopped breathing except for short honking gasps and crying so hard your face hurts.
Seriously, though. Thanks for writing this book. It’s truly, literally been a life-saver for me.
I don’t have a favorite toe, but I do have a favorite finger – it is my little pinky finger because it is always forgotten about. Except when I hold a glass and for some strange reason likes to just hang out – sticking straight out. But only when I am not thinking about it. If I have thought about it – it will grab the glass with the rest of my fingers. Not sure if it thinks it is better than the rest – but it totally is – because it is the pinky.
My favorite toes are the big ones, because, even though the toes next to them are equal in height and about 2.5x thinner, those big toes are bold and confident and lead the others. Not even a little insecure about being kind of chubby, even if everyone calls them the “Big Toes” all the time. In fact, I think they’re even proud of that nickname.
I bought your book already, except it was the electronic version rather than a hardcopy, and now I’m kicking myself in the ass for not having the foresight to know that I would want to share it with all of my friends.
Wanted to see you in louisville, but I don’t have friends here and was to afraid to go alone.
I told my daughter in law to buy me this book for my birthday. Then I couldn’t wait and went and booght it for myself! Now my daughter in law and I both have a copy, but I COULD have an autographed copy. Then. . . I win!
Aw! I’m in that tribe 🙂
Haha! I wrote BOOGHT! I really b o u g h t the book. I never booghted it.
I would love to win a copy to give to my friend Josie, who loves you but doesn’t have the means to buy one for herself right now. I’m pretty sure it would make her day, and that would make mine.
I love your tribe. And I would love an autographed copy of your book.
My favorite toe is my big toe (the one on the left is the best). The big toes just have the perfect shape. All the rest of my toes look all weird and long next to them. (Oh, the left big toe both looks more awesome and has caused me less trouble. The right big toe is the one where I flipped the toenail inside out at the beach and was in horrific pain every time anything touched it for the next month.)
My siblings and I named our feet, all three of us… they remain the only body part I’ve ever named.
My Right Foot: Petey
My Left Foot: Steedie
I totally live in the UK and gave away my Canadian version of “Let’s Pretend it Never Happened” (to a Canadian). So now I am living Lawsonless and really need another copy!
Can’t say I have a favourite toe…
I haven’t read the book yet, but I really want to. My excuse is that I’m broke and the hold list through the library is SOOOOOO long, I’m pretty sure I won’t still be alive when it’s my turn.
My wife told me last night, “I really wanted to write ‘I’d leave a comment but I my anxiety is too bad to let me,’ but then I realised that was a horrible thing to write and I decided not to.”
The catch-22 there is one of the best I have ever seen.
Let’s pretend I might win a copy. 😉 Thank you for sharing so much funny stuff on your blogs. Who can beat unicorns, right? Except for maybe a 2 headed unicorn with a cat wizard for a best friend.
I have PTSD of the toe, so both my little toes are my least favorite. It’s a tie. Someone once set a chair on one of them and it really hurt, but I can’t remember which one, so now my brain makes them hurt whenever anyone touches them. I don’t know either.
Don’t know how many bodies I can fit under my bed. BUT I currently have 18 legs in my bed. Two dogs two cats and me! 🙂
I don’t usually leave comments cause I can’t imagine you actually read every single one of these things since you get so many, but I’d love to win one of the books. …I mean I’ve already bought 3 copies, but currently I need another copy because I keep giving my copies away because I keep meeting people that need to read the book, so then I have to go buy another one. Honestly I really need to buy another two copies, another for me and one for my best friend who was probably my soul mate in another life. Then again she’s dyslexic, so maybe I should get her the audio book…?
Your book completely changed my life. I’ve got OCD and I often have panic attacks in restaurants which is like the shittiest place to have a panic attack because first you feel nauseous and you can’t help but think “I dont’ want to throw up, I just ate!” and then while your huddling in the bathroom freaking out, you can’t help but think “OMG the person I came with is wondering why I’m in the bathroom so long” and then of course some random person will ask if you’re ok and you want to tell them “No! Go away!” but you really can’t cause it’s not polite, so you tell them you’re fine, but then you throw up and totally ruin a perfectly good lie and —wow..I don’t even know how I got to this.
Oh wait! Yeah I do. I just want to thank you for being awesome and having a sense of humor when it comes to anxiety. It’s refreshing to read the perspective from someone that is living with it like me, because almost all books want to give you some crap about “letting the anxiety go” or some crap like anxiety is something you’re intentionally sabotaging yourself with. It’s so nice to be able to show your book to my family and friends and tell them “This is what anxiety is like!…I just couldn’t explain it nearly as well as Jenny”
Oh wait, I bought 4 books, not three. I gave one to my mom’s friend from HR because the HR chapter I knew would be right up her alley. You know, I think I should really consider buying a box of books, it would probably save me money in the long run.
I live in Minneapolis. It is May 3. It is snowing here. I need a good book.
I have a vintage gumball machine full of eyeball erasers … does that qualify me?
Congratulations! I really really hope I win. You crack me up.
Chupacabra!!!!
I’m not putting dead bodies under the bed, I’d be feeding them to the pigs. And, unlike the episode of Criminal Minds where the bad guys did that, I would not keep the wallets and shoes. We’ve decided that the shoe trees you pass on country roads are actually serial killer monuments, so they can admire their handiwork without being stuck with the evidence…
I LOVED your book!!! It made me feel like maybe I really am kind of normal…or at least not alone!
Technically I can’t fit any bodies under our bed, because it’s the box spring on the floor, but we do have a pretty good sized closet…
Let me know if you ever find yourself in need of any preserved mouse fetuses. I have about 50 right now, but I can always get more….
My favorite thing in all the world is to take things out of people’s Ears. I have removed cocaine from someone’s ear, but never a glass eyeball. I now have 3 things on my bucket list instead of two.
I would love a copy of your book! I love reading your blog ~ you always make my day better.
Do want!
You are fucking awesome!
If I won a second copy, I would take suggestions on the most Bloggessesque way to give away the copy I own … Maybe leaving it in a bathroom with a note saying if you’re hiding here because you’ve had/are having a panic attack, read this and know you’re not alone. Or putting it inside a giant chicken and Trojan-ing it?
Would love to have a copy of your book to read! You can also send a few of those glass eyeballs you were talking about, whether cow’s or no. As far as toes go, I have had the worst luck with my little ones. Both of them have been broken, the first one when I hit a stump while swimming, the other when I tangled with a chair in the dark. Both have been re-broken, the first when my best friend’s son stomped on it with his hard soled shoe before it healed from the stump collision. (‘Course, she fell on the floor just laughing her butt off!) My 2nd little toe broke when I was getting down from a chair I used instead of a ladder. Hadn’t oughta done that, for sure! Still guard my little toes, you betcha!
… Don’t get me wrong, I’d love the book.. But what exactly does the other side of a cows eyeball look like…? Are they just half eyeballs, one half sad cow eye, the other half black? Or is it like a crazy color with other organ attachments still there? You let me know 🙂
My magical super powers: I had a dream last night about an old friend (who I haven’t spoken to in years) and that she was 13.5 weeks pregnant, just like me. I Facebook messaged her to tell her that I had randomly had this dream about her and, you know…Hi, old pal! She messaged me back in disbelief because they haven’t told anyone yet, but she IS 13.5 weeks pregnant. In fact, her due date is ONE DAY before mine.
Creepy to the nth degree, right????
Also, I really want your book.
Smooches!
For school I’m having to kill myself off (hypothetically) and plan my own funeral, write my own obituary, and be my own best friend while writing my eulogy. I keep thinking that this is a great time to reflect on my life up to this moment, etc, but all that i can come up with are names for my (non-existent) children… I’m seriously considering naming them all after different types of food: shwarma, suan cai, dolma, biryani, stenbider, spanakopita, and boudin (to name a few).
So grateful to you for giving us a chance to find our people! Proud to be a member of your tribe. Now send me a signed book!
Having the UK version would make me feel like one classy motherf***er.
i think the second toe in underrated.
I already have a copy of your book, but it is really worn from having lent it around so much. What I really want is a copy of this edition because, holy crap, you got a blurb from Caitlin Moran. If your badassery was every in question, it has been resolved as of now. Congrats!
Congratulations on your book. I am one of many that love your blog! Never fails to give me a laugh after a hard day=) Gonna check my kindle store for your book!
I don’t have a favorite toe. But, every time I see Dr. Who on my dvr guide, I wonder if somewhere in Texas the bloggess is watching it:)
True story. Boss at job before I had kids? Glass eye. From playing with sticks with his brother when he was a kid. I have had so much mileage with that with my boys. PUT THE STICK DOWN! DO YOU KNOW MOM WORKED WITH A MAN WITH ONE EYE BECAUSE HE HAD HIS EYE POKED OUT WITH A STICK!??
Love my story and love you Jenny! Long time reader, first time commenter! Would love a signed copy. Would not love a glass eye.
As much as I would love a free copy of your book, I’m commenting in hopes that you check out my blog…http://heymattywebb.blogspot.ca/ . If I don’t win a copy no biggie, I’m going to get it anyway. I haven’t got it yet as I only just heard about you last night at work. Love your writing!
I could fit lots of dead bodies under my bed, that would be gross though. 🙂
I should be able to fit at least eight bodies under my bed, but with all the other junk I have under there, I can probably only get 1.5 or so. The point is, I need to get rid of some junk. Otherwise, what will I do with all these bodies?
I went to school with a guy who had one glass eyeball. It was a parochial school and he used to roll his eyeball down the center aisle during chapel at least twice a month. He could probably have used some extras!
I can fit about 8 bodies under my bed. One in each of 6 drawers and a couple in the space between. They’d have to be kind of skinny and would have to be crammed in while still fresh and flexible but it’s totally doable.
Pick me, pick me (waving both hands wildly in the air). I’ve moved and discovered to my horror that there are no bookstores in my new town. Except the Goodwill which has a crappy selection but at least they’re cheap. A copy of your book would go along way to making that less of a hardship.
My favorite body part is my Chihuahua’s amputated leg. Sure it was thrown away as medical waste but without it, he’d never have come into my life <3
I would like a jar of glass eyeballs for my work as well…because I’m HR and would like to remind people that I’m watching them!
Dead bodies under the bed? The cats would not approve. It would restrict the number of sleeping nooks available to them.That said, I think that they would forgive me anything as they appear to worship me. Either that or they are lulling me into a false sense of security while they figure out how to live a life of pampering and luxury without me … On an unrelated note, I think your book may be joining Good Omens in being a book that I keep spare copies of just in case I want to give it to somebody. Just ordered another two from Amazon as I am without a copy right now and have found somebody else that I think would enjoy it. Oh and my mother wanted to read it – must remember to order another later. Amazon are going to think I’m so strange. 3 copies in 1 day. Oh well. In my defence – even I haven’t read this edition!
You’re one of those people I’m envious of slightly since you think, say, and breathe funny things (well, I’ve been accused of this too, lol) but you actually WRITE them down, lol. 😀 My HERO! 🙂
Seriously though, how could I possibly go through the long, long days without knowing about unicorn snogging, crazed stuffed dead things, and your fuzzy blanket/cat experience? (Do you remember that? You wrote about not wanting to bother the cat. Only it was your blanket. Or your jacket. Or something distinctly not cat.)
I have a puppy. She’s a little sh*thead (which, if you’ve ever had a puppy, you understand as TRUTH. I think ALL puppies are like that, but I wouldn’t know – I’ve only ever had cats before.). My cat was potty trained in TWO WEEKS; my puppy is almost 9 months old and still occasionally pees on things. Sometimes I think she does it on purpose. She’s all like, meh, I will bark to be let out, you will let me out, I will sniff things, and then I will come pee on your floor. And then I will step in it and it will be gross, and that’s just another tally on the overall list of reasons why my puppy is a little sh*thead, but, you know, I still love her. When she’s not being a pain, she’s actually quite cute!
Probably now I should stop typing out comment, since I’m certain that 3000 epistles (or however many of your comments are gonna be epistles because seriously, have you met you? who wouldn’t want to have an entire lengthy conversation with you, especially when INVITED to make a comment? sometimes ((usually)) my anxiety gets the better of me or I would comment more often. Instead I just lurk! Is that totally creepy if it’s online? I don’t think it is creepy like it would be if it WEREN’T online, but then you have guard stuffed Things of Awesome lurking around your house, and I don’t think they’d be too fond of a breathing lurker. It would remind them too much of the bad old days when they were forced to scavenge for food and stuff and didn’t look as cool, like jet pack mouse) is way more than any one person should have to read.
I just don’t want to stop ’cause regardless of whether I get one of your books or not, I want to make sure I talk enough to get a smile on your face. 🙂 (((or wait … is it talk ENOUGH or talk entertainingly enough or talk what? there is reason, i see it, I DOOOOO, but my caffeine injected sleeptyping brain is not letting me be either as witty or as sensible as my brain can be when it is neither caffeine injected nor sleeeeeeeeepy)))
TL;DR: You are awesome, and you deserve all the smiles.
I think this tribe of ours should be tax deductible
I just finished your book and let me tell you, I FUCKING LOVED it! I would love an autographed copy! I couldn’t stop laughing! Can’t wait for book 2!
I once saw an episode of Storage Wars where one of the dudes found a collection of glass eyes. PS – pick me! I have the hardcover but need the paperback 🙂
Team Snogging Unicorn, FTW!
I used to have this friend with a glass eye and when she would randomly tap it in the middle of a conversation. People would freak the fuck out. It was awesome.
I just adopted a fat Italian greyhound, shes a great dog who has great taste in books….she ripped up my copy and I would love a new one PLEASE!! (P.S Fail for double post on the wrong blog)
I think you could use a lot of glass eyeballs in your life. Use them to teach lessons to your kids, like on Arrested Development how the dad uses a one-armed man to teach life lessons to his kids.
I work at a science museum in Arkansas and sometimes we get paid to teach children how to dissect cow eyeballs. Every couple of months or so, we get a box containing dozens of vaccumed sealed cow eyes in the mail- it’s pretty great. It’s almost as weird as a box of glass cow eyes would be. Also, I love your blog and your book! And I’m bipolar.
You know that feeling when something very big you’ve been looking forward to for a really long time happens, and then it’s over? That. That’s what I’ve got going on right now as I read your blog and try to absorb the fact that after many long years of study, my hubby is finally a pharmacist. I’m so “that” I can’t even remember how many bodies I have actually fit under my bed before (live ones for a joke, so please don’t call the police).
I can think of so many uses for glass eyeballs. So many.
I’m from the UK! I want one!
Scientific facts about spiders:
1. They are extraterrestrial.
2. They will lay their eggs in your nose and sometimes (but rarely) ears if you kill their brethren.
3. They are slowly taking over the world puppet-master style and may have already infiltrated our government.
(The last one I just realized in the car yesterday.. Sorry I didn’t warn you sooner.)
Note: It is acceptable to wash them down the drain if they are in your shower because that is crossing the line and they probably survive it anyway.
also.. you are 5th down when you type “blog” into the google search bar. 🙂
Vintage glass cow eyeballs…. Jewelry. That’s all we need to know. Oh, and they would make fabulous facial decorations for the cats I knit.
I CANNOT get into a bed with freshly laundered sheets unless I have shaved my legs that same day.
My least favorite toe is my big one, because it curls upward and ruins all of my socks.
At my new job, I get to look at people (mostly old, wrinkly, hairy people)’s asscracks ALL DAY LONG. The fact I haven’t clawed my eyeballs out and not in need of glass eyes yet is surprising. And deserving of a copy of your book. Yeah.
Today, my boyfriend came home to a dirty house, and his response was to belt out a chorus of Mr. Banks’ song from Mary Poppins about how a man’s house must be run with precision. I responded with a chorus of the suffragette song.
Best bickering ever.
Would love to have one ! The book , but the eyeball too. Just call me Magnificent MissM
BTW you should totally be BFF w me. Ill even share my imaginary friends.
Why are 15 year old boys such snots some times. The husband is out of town and I thought the boy and I could make it look like we did “something” this weekend…. But, the boy shot that all to hell. I offered to paint his room. He declined. He is probably a little worried to what I would find if I moved any of the shit that is in his room. So I decided that I would watch Pat -n- Vanna. I lit a candle waxy thingy, coconut and lemongrass. I wanted it to smell nice, not like testosterone or dog. I wanted beach smell, warm weather smell like I had a Mai Tai in my hand smell. The shit head came into the living room and said… ” can you please blow that out? I am getting light headed….”
Moved to Florida. House in Ohio won’t sell, and now needs repairs. Want this book SO bad and it’s not carried by local library and can’t afford to pay for it.
Please please please please please.
Really, please?
The new UK version looks great. So happy for you that your book is doing so well. Mostly, I just wanted to say thank you. Your website is a gift in my life – whether the topic is serious or funny, I always feel better after visiting.
If i win I will glue the book to my artcar and drive it in the houston Art Car parade.
As a fellow Texan I want to say you rock. Your writing has helped me get through some rough days and I think of you every time I see a large metal chicken.
I bought a metal peacock recently for my garden, completely inspired by you and Beyonce. And I’m having a helluva time naming it. Beyonce seemed like an option, but I’m just stealing your genius, and that’s probably wrong. But I have no idea! Oh, but I want your book.
Well I”m a little late to the party. I’ve been busy packing for my move. I guess that makes us moving buddies since you just moved, too. I haven’t had the time to read all of the 3,700+ comments before me, so I hope this is original…
You said to comment on “Anything”.
A word of 8 letters. A compound word formed by sliding “Any” up against “thing”. A pronoun meaning exactly what it says: Any Thing. whatever; something, no matter what. Kind of a pretty random word.
Just an FYI…I have read your book. I bought your book in the ebook format. So I think I deserve a free, signed copy including the new chapter…unless you don’t care who bought it and who didn’t…but you should because those of us who were smart enough to pay for a copy are helping you put food on the table for Victor and Hailee, and you should show your appreciation by giving ME a free copy. I hope I win!
OMGOSH! I’ve been trying to explain probability to my 5th graders and just looking at the number of comments makes my dearest wish of winning a signed copy of one of your glass cow eyes, the odds of winning have become heartbreakingly impossible.
KEEP CALM
AND
MAKE OUT WITH A UNICORN
Long time reader, first time commenter. I love you, your blog, and your dead animals. Thank you for your words
My best friend lives 12 000 miles from me, in England. We keep in touch constantly via the interweb and often send each other links to stories that have amused, saddened, angered or made us celebrate recently. There is no one in the world that understands me quite like she does. Often we don’t even have to add a personal note to our links, we just know. A few times, we’ve even sent a link to each other at the same time….12 000 miles and 11 hours apart…such fuckery I know! Your musings, misadventures and brilliance are part of our long distance friendship glue. Thank you for doing what you do and for keeping me and her well and truly stuck!
I just had to scroll through over 3,700 blog comments to write this. It better be damn well worth it!
So when my daughter was born I had a huge hematoma at my episiotomy site, a chapped an cracked nipple; herein after referred to as Ned & Fred.
The only thing that constantly goes under my bed, is my yellow lab, Yoki! I don’t know how her 85 pounds gets under our low bed for her half day long naps, but she manages. So I guess for me, the question is: How many Yoki’s fits under a bed?… maybe 20 if we shove Yokis in just like stuffing marshmallows in your piehole! PS She sleeps under MY side of the bed, so guess who gets the great aromatic experience when she passes gas out of her furry ass?
My favourite toe is the one on my left foot, next to the big toe, that has a little freckle on it. 😉
Loved this book!
I’d love one as well. 😀
Hmmmmmm… What to comment about…? How’s this? Your blog is what keeps me semi-sane in my crazy work world of Child Welfare, which is FILLED (FILLED, I tell you!) with crazy parents, crazy schedules, crazy co-workers, and sadly, sometimes crazy kids!
I have kinda been on a roll with the winning of things lately, so I thought I’d give this a shot. I super want your book and no one around here is selling it. I guess I could order it online, but that just doesn’t seem right somehow, what with all the shipping and handling and the awesomeness of book stores. Except they’re not awesome enough because they don’t have your book! Anyway. I would really like your book. The End.
I got and read your memoir, but haven’t gotten the paperback to read the extra chapter and I’d love to!
I could read your book while snuggling with my roommate’s cat. ^_^
Before I clicked on the link to your book give-away my Google search box read: “San Francisco pink mustache”.
I gotta think that your book would be way more satisfying than the answer Google provided…
My best friend lives 12 000 miles from me, in England. We keep in touch constantly via the interweb and often send each other links to stories that have amused, saddened, angered or made us celebrate recently. There is no one in the world that understands me quite like she does. Often we don’t even have to add a personal note to our links, we just know. A few times, we’ve even sent the SAME link to each other at the SAME time….12 000 miles and 11 hours apart…such fuckery I know! Your musings, misadventures and brilliance are part of our long distance friendship glue. Thank you for doing what you do and for keeping me and her well and truly stuck!
I have named other people’s body parts. Most recently was Sir Tepes the blood sucker.
I would love a copy of your book, but being a college student means I can’t afford toilet paper sometimes. Hrmph.
Fun fact: I’ve dated not just one but two different guys with actual fake eyeballs installed in their very heads at the time of said dating. One hit a bullet wit a sledgehammer and when it exploded a piece hit him in the eye. The other had a birth defect that eventually lead to his cornea rupturing and then to having his eyeball removed. (He was already blind in that eye anyway.) I also knew three ladies that had glass eyes. It’s a small world on the glass eyeball front apparently. Or I just know weirdos. Probably both.
I have this cat… and i think he wants to kill me. Or at least drive me to the point of insanity. Part of me thinks, he is going to eat my face in the middle of the night…. the other part of me thinks awww nooo… he is too sweet…. as he is biting the hand that pets him. His name is Asshole. it is the perfect name!!
xoxoxox
In my opinion the average person uses only slightly more than zero glass cow eyes in a lifetime. The number of intestinal magnets for bovines they use every year is probably a much larger multiple of the number of glass cow eyes. Having already possessed bovine intestinal magnets (possessed, not ingested) i am now filled with the urge to make use of glass cow eyes despite not having even thought about them until this day.
On a more or less completely unrelated note i was wondering how much blood the bags were capable of holding.
i had another indirectly related thought to muse about, but it appears that my train of thought is still boarding at the station. While typing this i realized that our derpy cat, Squeak, is once again wandering the first floor of the house meowing forlornly instead of simply joining me and the other cat on the second floor. Then again, this is the cat that will become startled by someone walking up the stairs and flee into a bedroom in a blind, flailing panic. Squeak’s brain immediately cancels panic mode as soon as he enters the safety of the bedroom and he will promptly turn around and start cuddling against the legs of the person he was running for his life from less than five seconds ago. Mostly it’s something about stairs that causes this. Merely seeing anyone else while he’s on the stairs is likely to trigger a similar frenzied scramble up the stairs to a bedroom. Even if the person he saw is at the top of the stairs he will flail his way past them.
His most unusual talent is actually to constantly shed cream colored fur 24 hours a day. Merely coming within three feet of Squeak can cover a guest in cat hair. Needless to say he loves to cuddle everyone and will rub against their legs and leap into their laps if given half a chance. Squeak is not a small cat.
So I was on facebook and saw your post about the ebay-possibly-haunted-robot-… and I kept clicking on it thinking it would bring me here (to your site) but it kept taking me to the ebay site for the robot. Then I read about the robot and I laughed and laughed! Did you post that? Because if you didn’t, I think you may have a writing/humor doppelganger (does that exist?). I tried to tell my wife about all of this, but she informed me that it wasn’t an appropriate time for humor in the book she is reading (I’m guessing someone in the book is dying). Thought you might appreciate all of this.
I have my own taxidermy mouse sitting on my lab bench. Except it isn’t actually taxidermy per se, since I made it myself by freeze drying a mouse. I named him Stiffler. The weird shit you do when you’re stuck in a lab all day…
I don’t really have a favorite toe. I know I hate the second toe the most though. It’s a little longer than my big toe and it’s SUCH an attention whore.
I rarely wear open-toe shoes because I’m afraid the rest of the bunch will get jealous of its obvious superiority.
I call it Joan. I don’t want to call it anything mildly unique because there’s always the chance that its ego will inflate even more and then I won’t be able to wear shoes at all and I’ll have to stand ten feet behind people in line which is actually okay with me because I don’t like being that close to people anyway.
P.S. I would adore a copy of the paperback. I bought the hardback, but now I’m missing out on an undoubtedly phenomenal extra chapter. Please. Take pity on a girl with a freakishly long second toe.
I think you are an inspiration.
I woke myself up this morning talking in my sleep. I said, “But it’s weird when the sheep don’t wear pants!” Does this mean I’m insane? (You did say I could post anything.)
I want to win because maybe there is CrAzY NEW STUFF IN THE UK EDITION. Caps unintentional, I just started to get out of control. Also I don’t have the book at all, because I am totes super poor.
I found your book through People Magazine, and had to get it for my Kindle so I could take it everywhere. Except the bathtub. “Electronics and bathtubs do not mix.” Whatever. But it made me laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. Best hypoxia of my life!
Jenny. I just discovered your name through a picture on Reddit. The picture is of your dedication page. Brilliant! The way that was written reminds me of the way my best friend talks. I will now proceed to reading all of your blog posts, good night!
My mum has used a number of glass eyes but only the human kind. She’s a sculptor so she’s used genuine glass eyes for humans in life-sized sculptures of humans. The sculptures have scared the shit out of people who have thought they were real: turn on lounge room light, discover old lady sitting in chair holding accordian…
I’m really hoping that, unlike @MarylandMudflap, you’ll ship to Canada. We love you up here too.
If i was a pygmy, I’d hope my name was Elsin von Tiddywumpus, because that names commands respect. When you are small you need a big name. Maybe a title too, like Elder Pollywog of the Order of Mecmerchants!
I totally want an autographed book!!!
My favourite toe is my fourth toe (ring toe?) on my right foot. The pad of it is just the right squashiness.
…..yep, that’s my entry.
And if I can’t have an autographed book, can you maybe send me some vintage glass cow eyeballs? Pretty please?
So, I had this nightmare that I was teaching my daughter how to drive. In the dark. She kept turning off the headlights. I finally got mad and told her to pull over. She pulled over. In an intersection. In front of a cop. With the headlights still off. Yeah. My poor daughter may never get to learn how to drive.
my boobs are named shadow and wednesday, obviously wednesday is the one with the piercing.
I came to the site tonight looking for some humor after my mother’s funeral this afternoon. I would lovev a copy of your book to have to help relax a bit after this rough week!!
So, I live with my twin sister, whom I love and get along with great.
Tonight, I was out swing dancing, and when I came home, I walked in to my bathroom to get ready for bed. To my surprise, on my bathroom mirror is written, ‘The chamber of secrets has been opened enemies of the heir beware’ in red paint…
This is what I live with.
BTW I want a copy of your book.
Jenny when are you going to come visit us down under? If you ever do I’ll ask you to sign my iPad – that’s right. I’ve got your ebook. Would love a real paper copy though. And your squiggle on it. 🙂
That book is the main reason I started following.
I love reading your blog! The first one I read, about Beyoncé, made me howl with laughter, all 22 times I read it. That day. It still makes me hysterical. Thanks for always cheering me up and making my day brighter.
looking forward to start your book. Hopefully I’ll finish this one, as of late, I can’t seem to finish anyth
I would love to read that new chapter! <3
Glass eyeballs make perfect wine chillers! Just stick them in the freezer for a cold glass of vino without the inconvenience of watering it. Also reminds you (with their disapproving stare) not to drink too much.
Other people’s toes gross me out. I’m looking forward to reading this book!
I think the average person goes through 3 1/2 glass eyeballs in a lifetime. I say 1/2 because you die with it but it can be bequeathed to someone else and they can use it.
i would really, really like to read the new chapter! and i’d really like to see a box of glass cow eyeballs. i’m hoping both can happen. i believe. thank you for all the funny.
I love reading your blog……it usually makes me laugh my ass off. Except now, in the grips of the worst depression of my life, and it sucks bulls balls. This depression crap, not your blog. Your blog is kick ass funny 🙂 Can I have a book?
Just finished reading your book…confession, I borrowed it. I enjoyed it so much that I would love a copy to have and to hold and to share!
I now have my entire group of colleagues obsessed with your blog. To keep each other sane during long meetings we send pictures to each other, such as this: http://7deadlysinners.typepad.com/sinners/2010/11/superman-squirrel-taxidermy.html
All inspired by your blog. Thank you for being awesome!
Pick me, pick me, because, um, uh,,,,,,pick me, pick me!!
Someone at work told me about your book. If I am picked, please autograph the page/ chapter regarding ” is this a picture of your penis?” That would ROCK!
Run, you clever boy; and remember.
Ever since I read the story of the metal chicken I have been hooked. And then I have forced coworkers to read the blog as well…. thank you and you’re welcome 🙂
PS. May I PLEASE have a book?!
I don’t have a favorite toe. I can’t fit a dead body under my bed.
BUT I did read the book and laughed so hard i cried and my stomach hurt. Thanks Jenny.
I would really like to get a copy of your book because I lent mine to so many people that they destroyed it a bit.
I definitely need to add this to my collection.
PS
I don’t have a favorite toe because mine all look like Fred Flintstone’s after he drops the bowling ball on them.
I really want a glass cow eyeball…. for my studies as a veterinary student…. perhaps I would have been able to give some poor one-eyed cow a second eye so it wasn’t mocked by all of the other cows in the herd…. but alas….
I mean but I’ll take a copy of your book! 😉
I just screamed a little…the thought of receiving a box of eyeballs, (glass or otherwise) in the post, is most terrifying. but yay for books!
I can probably only fit 4-5 bodies under my bed unless I were to dismember them before stuffing them there also if they were petite bodies or small animal bodies I could probably fit more… I think it would smell bad, I would no longer like sleeping here, and would over all be a poor place to try to hide bodies. My husband told me not to look in any suspicious chest freezers around the house, so he’s way on top of this.
I hope I’m not too late…so, the other day on GMA, they reported on a woman who had not looked in the mirror in over a year…not even the morning of her wedding day, and all I could think was…oh my God, so how many days did this woman walk around with stuff stuck in her teeth or hanging out of her nose? Did anyone tell her? Or was it one of those embarrassing, awkward situations where no one says anything because no one wants to offend anyone?
Am I too late to be entered? I loved your book!
My son is 12 weeks old today. I don’t understand why 12 weeks is different from 3 months, except that it just IS…. Anyway, he’ll be 3 months old on Thursday.
I keep pretending…but it keeps happening.
I was laughing and snorting so much while reading your book (on vacation at a fancy schmancy hotel pool) that a stranger came up to me and asked me what I was reading because she had to buy it and read it, too! So see – I helped sell a book for you!
You rock, Jenny!
I am travelling across Canada in an RV with my husband. He is starting to drive me crazy! I could use some humour, or else there may be one dead body under the bed. Would love to win a copy of your book.
I preordered the e-version last year. It was my first ever e-book, and only one of a few I’ve since purchased. I now know i fucking hate the kindle. I want a “real” book I can hold in my hands and flip through. I want it on my coffee table. I just want it, and I don’t want to buy it again. You did send me your autograph on a sticker, which was cool, except now I can’t find it. I never misplace a book. If you pick me, I will have your book and autograph combined, which is how it was intended all along.
Oh,I’d love to win one of these, if I win I could totally pay for shipping – shipping to Norway can be expensive! <3
I know I can fit at least two bodies under my bed. Of course, they’re dogs and they just sleep under there, but I think it still counts. As for the glass eyeballs, I think the cat would have a field day with those, and considering how often you’d lose one from it rolling under the couch, down the stairs, etc., I’d say the average cat person could use quite a few in their lifetime.
I have a toe, actually two of them. But not your book – would love a copy of it. Thanks for thinking of us.
please! I’d love an autographed copy. you are awesome!! And make me laugh everytime I read your blogs…totatlly makes my day!!!
Never a more perfect time to tell you about my recent dining experience. Some coworkers & I headed on down to the bamboo house – a windowless box of a dining establishment that I didn’t know was actually in operation for the past 20 years – for staff night. It’s a one woman show – she takes your order, and then goes to make it. There’s a petting zoo in the backyard. A large screen TV & karaoke system in the dining room (do it yourself, of course). Two couches (in case you eat too much but can’t leave the awesome karaoke). Three scenes of taxidermy (including a deer & duck combo over a lake backdrop — the deer have on bowties!!) around the room. A breeding kennel (I assume) in the basement (malteses) — which is also where they complete their taxidermy. The food was good, too.
They use marbles as eyes in taxidermy, don’t they? So really, marble enthusiasts go through way more glass eyeballs than your average citizen.
I was fat shamed yesterday from a moving car for the first time. I’ve heard of this phenomenon before, but have either been too unaware to notice (more likely scenario) or it really has never happened to me (doubt it). But it was at least the most original fat shame I’ve ever heard of so I burst out laughing. After shouting “FUCK YOU!”, of course.
I’ve decided to make it my new super hero identity. You may now call me The Fabulous FAT VAGINA! Here to save the day from douche bags and boost the self worth of vagina-havers everywhere!
Would love a copy! My middle name is Stewart!
I am unwilling to share my copy, so I’d love another that I could give to a friend!
Congrats on your new book! And, love the eyeball jar.
Totally in love with your blog! Whenever Dah Hubz & me are out and see a giant metal chickens (they seem to be COMMON around here!), we always bust up laughing, often drawing stares from others. Always recommending your book & blog to people! I own the US kindle copy of the book, but an autographed physical UK copy? Priceless!!
True fact: I have no idea how many bodies one could fit under my bed. It’s actually an interesting question– in like a Schrodinger sense. Because if you define “under my bed” to include the entire ROOM under my bedroom, then it’s a very big number, virtually infinite if we’re allowed to mulch the bodies, because the lowermost would already be pretty well decomposed by the time I had thought of enough people I should add to the pile to fill the room (hey, I’m just being practical). To be clear, it’s not that I’m not misanthropic, it’s just that I make it a point not to know many people well enough to feel comfortable wishing them dead. But, on the other hand, my mattress is on the floor, so if you mean actually literally under my bed…none. Zero. No matter how finely you shred them.
But the point is that I can’t tell you how many bodies could fit under my bed until you collapse the wave function by telling me how we’re defining “under my bed”. It has an equal probability of being a virtually infinite number or zero.
My thyroid is being cu*ty but I still laughed…even though it hurts.
I have a tall bed and I think I could fit 6 to 8 bodies under my bed, however if we scrunched them up a bit and placed them sideways and not lengthwise, I bet we could fit closer to twelve. Now, if we removed the cover on the bottom on the box spring, we could stuff at least two more under there. How many did you need to store?
Hi, I’m looking for the tribe that paints their bodies blue (often referred to as wode) then charges into battle frightening the enemy with their blue bouncing naughty bits…. Gives a new meaning to the term blue balls HAHAHA… if this is not THAT tribe… can I join anyway? (Blue really isn’t my color anyway)
So I am having an early dinner with my mother and her husband. I am totally taking my daughter with me to help hide the body in case i have to go hillbilly on his ass. It will be a bonding moment between mother daughter dirt and shovel. Love your book!
Saw a man at the airport reading your book and wanted to run up to him and start talking about how great your blog is and question him on his favorite posts but thought better of it… As I had been drinking and he looked scary.
My lovely daughters turned me on to your blog and bought me a book but an autographed copy to add to their inheritance would rock
Speaking of unusual numbers of things…. My sister has 4 kidneys. She was born with one, which failed at a young age, and has received 3 others as transplants. It may be down to 3, though. With the last ultrasound she had, it seemed like the original may have been absorbed by her body.
Lesse. My boyfriend dumped me…its not you its me…r r r right. So this would give me something to do instead and beats unicorns. Because of the o…I would like this book. Let me know when The Man of My Dreams comes up fer auction.;-)
King size bed..32 bodies could be buried under it..not sure ..haven’t looked
The Troll that lives in the cupboard at work bit me when I put my jacket away..I bit him back
Favorite toe…not fair to play favorites BUT it’s the one next to the little one…
My son (age 20) and I took turns reading your first book to each other on a trip out of town…we read words like “lady part” instead of your words…sorry
We both follow your blog
My son is a HUGE Dr Who fan
We have another trip coming up and would love to read the paperback version with the extra chapter.
Yes please!
Please, please, please, please, please sign me a book?
I have a pair of giant martini glasses full of eyeballs on my bar, so I say the number of glass eyeballs necessary is relative to how many giant glasses one owns. For me: 312.
I’ve never even used one glass eye which was me feel inadequate until I remembered that had made tons of those yarn ojos de dios in Spanish class so it’s ok.
Sometimes my wife will tell me to look at recent Bloggess posts detailing conversations you have with your husband, and quite literally I find myself thinking how familiar they sound. Sometimes I think WTF. All the time I can’t help but love it!
Please, let me know if you’ll also be giving away the glass cow eyeballs! I think they’d be great décor. Oh, and a book would be nice.
My wife has your first edition book, but it never hurts to have a pair. They’ll keep each other company in the day, and wisper murderous things to each other at night…
Loved it!
With an autographed UK copy, my bookshelf would feel so worldly.
Glass cow eyeballs would probably accomplish the same thing.
Thank you for being you!
I read today that there was another incident of pigs eating a farmer. Statistically speaking, Wikipedia states that more humans are killed by pigs than sharks. Seriously? I’ve visited farms and been told every time, “Don’t get in the pig pen!” I just thought they were politely telling me I’d get filthy. I didn’t know my life was at stake. I find the whole pigs-eating-humans-eating-pigs so Lion King Circle of Life-esque. I may even sing the song next time I eat bacon.
Admittedly, I’ve read a lot of your book via the available Google Books preview, but that isn’t because I don’t support your work. I love your work. I’m just poor and in college.
Pick me….pick ME! please. I rarely get to win anything and glass cow eyeballs are super cool.
When I was in high school, one of the assistant principals had a glass eye. It wasn’t noticeable at all, but everyone knew he had it & the story of how he shot himself in the eye with a bb gun when he was a rowdy teenager. We all knew because every once in a while he’d wander into a classroom where nothing was really happening (like health class) and take it out to show us.
Ooh, I would so love to win! If I did, the book should come just in time for us to move into our new house, and it will give me something to read when I’m up nursing my newborn for the five hundredth time of the night 🙂
At my job, we actually have a drawer labeled “body parts” and that drawer contains some rubber ears, rubber noses, and a bunch of plastic eyeballs that blink. I am not making this up.
Are you kidding? I could totally use however many vintage glass cow-eyes I could get my hands on. I’m thinking that they could be incorporated into some sort of fancy hairpiece, like a fascinator. Further, are you telling me a crystal punchbowl of glass cow eyes wouldn’t be a conversation-starting centerpiece at a formal dinner? It would certainly break the ice. At any rate, I would like to read the new chapter, and therefore it is vital that I win. Unless I don’t. Because that’s okay, too.
I think you may like this post from a website I follow.
http://whyevolutionistrue.wordpress.com/2013/05/04/caturday-felids-dr-who-kittehs/
Hmmm… I want to comment something clever but can’t think of anything, so I’ll tell a story about my son. He was about 10 or 11 years old when this happened.
We went into a gas station to use the bathroom on a road trip. When he came out of the men’s room, he asked me, “What’s a condom?”
Thank you, vending machine people.
So we discussed it later, when we were out of the earshot of his younger brother (this actually jump-started “The Talk”).
He thought about it for a minute, then asked his follow-up question.
“But why were they flavored?’
Uh, go ask your dad.
Most people will need no more than 4 glass eyeballs in a lifetime. One in case of unfortunate cow incident. The second for ice breaking/display/conversation starter purposes. A third for when you are bartering on The Price is Right. And the forth would be exceptionally useful in a zombie attack… as eyeballs are connected to the brain, it could be a useful decoy. Though if is a full blown apocalypse, you might need the rest of the box.
Every time I brush my cat, I collect her fur in a bin. Then I spin it into yarn and crochet stuff out of it.
I believe my son will join this tribe when he is older. He was invited to go to a special event where REAL Power Rangers would show him tricks. He said no. We found out they wouldn’t be in costume. He said yes. My husband left work early to bring him across the city, got there, and my son wouldn’t get out of the car. They finally went in, my son had a good time, until. . . a dressed up Power Ranger tried to take a picture with him and my son ran away.
Can you guess which body-parts are named ‘Rosebud and Petunia’? Yeah, well, i’m not very creative, verbally.
Haven’t got around to reading this yet but would love to.
I hope there is not a deadline for this contest that has already flown past cuz I just read about it. It is May 3, the ice has not yet left our lake, and it has snowed pretty much every day this past week. Plus I was supposed to have a hip replacement on Monday but it has been postponed… for the fifth time. Given that I can barely walk, I find this annoying in the extreme. A copy of your book might help me cope.
On another note, you MUST fly to MARS with me … anyone who submits their name gets put on a DVD and flies in MAVEN to Mars in November. Seriously Ms. Whovian, what other space-travel opp will you get like this? Tell Wil Wheaton ’bout it too! It’s legit.
http://lasp.colorado.edu/maven/goingtomars/send-your-name/
http://www.nasa.gov/home/hqnews/2013/may/HQ_13-125_MAVEN_Name_to_Mars.html
More, more! I need another reason to interrupt my hunny and say, “BABE, YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO THIS!”
Actually, I would prefer to have a cow’s glass eyeball autographed, if that’s alright with you. I’ll supply the cow eyeball, but you’d need to add the glass part. I’ve tried writing on the eyeballs themselves, but the felt tip pen tends to stick, and I just end up with an unsightly smudge. I’ll send the eyeball, providing the cow cooperates, but you know how slow the USPS can be, so it might just arrive looking somewhat like a glossy white prune, well, not that glossy anymore. Or to save us both (all three of us if you count the cow) of us time, maybe a book would be best. You’re welcome. I LOVE YOU!!!!
your courage has changed my life-thanks for letting me join the tribe!
My 4 year old pulled his wanger out at the library today, in a hallway full of people on his way to the loo. I think I need a free book after dealing with that!
YES please! 🙂
I could fit about 40-45 bodies under my bed and then I would hit the ceiling fan. Granted my bed is a mattress on the floor so things would get lumpy pretty fast, princesses bothered with a pea need not apply. Also anybody with a nose probably wouldn’t like it.
Would love to win a copy! Also, I think the average person will most likely use 3 glass cow eyeballs…just sayin’
My favorite toe is my right big toe, but let me tell you why. Years ago it had an ingrown nail that I had removed and for some reason now it grows out completely straight on that side like the tool marks of the clippers that snipped it off. My other toes are all wonky looking.
I have given your book away twice before I finished it. The recipients loved it, too.
My favorite toe is one of the ones that’s not broken. NOW I KNOW why marathons are not good for me. 🙂
I’ve already bought and read your book so I’d actually prefer an autographed cow eyeball. That is, to clarify, a glass eyeball. Please don’t think I condone killing a cow just so I can enjoy it’s gelatinous eye goop. I’m a vegetarian so I would never condone that. Or eat that.
I actually have a glass eye. Really and truly! Well it is not made of glass (but rather plexiglas) or belong to a cow tho! I had the surgery done when I was 18 to get rid of my bad left eye that I never had vision in anyway and here I am with it almost 23yrs later!
Have you ever seen the 1929 movie Un Chien Andalou? No plot, weird chronology, all about the Freudian free association. Do not watch this while messed up because IT. WILL. MESS YOU. UP. (See, just thinking about it I dangled a preposition.) The reason I ask is because there’s a scene in which they show an eye getting cut open, and a film professor friend told me they used cow eyes for that scene. Too bad they didn’t have your glass eyes for those poor cows who gave up theirs For Art.
My friend wrote a poem about that movie in his new book. There are movie references in it, but you don’t need to know the movie to get it.
Un Chien Andalou (Luis Brunel, Salvador Dali, 1929)
Because a razor cuts across a frame of film,
I wince, squinting my eye,
and because my day needs assembly
to make sense of the scenes anyway,
making a story from some pieces of truth,
I go outside to gather those pieces.
Thousands of moments spooling out
frames of mistakes in my day.
As if anyone’s to blame,
as if anyone could interpret the colliding
images, again and again, dragging
my imagination behind me,
I begin assembling.
I don’t know anything, so I seek
directions, following the path of ants from your palm, out
the apartment door to a beach.
Is this where I’m supposed to ask
if my hands on you bend some light around shade? Maybe
I’m not ready for the answer. They say
art imitates what we can sculpt or write
or just see when we turn ourselves
inside out. I can’t turn my eye away
from the sight of failure. The rain pelts rooftops.
I listen to the song, thinking
when the sun comes back,
beating down the door
in my head, I’ll salvage whatever sits
still long enough for me to render,
before anyone knows what really happened.
by A. Van Jordan in The Cineaste, WW Norton & Co., 2013.
Oh yeah, and my mom had a kid sit behind her in the one-room school she attended (no lie!) in the third grade and he had a fake eye and he’d pop it out and hold it in his hand and tap her shoulder and say, “Hey, Donna” and when she looked, all she could see was this kid’s fake eye. She never forgot nor forgave him and it gave her the eye heebie-jeebies for the rest of her life. But now she’s dead so I could have glass eyes around my house without worrying it would freak her out.
I have 2 friends with glass eyes, sadly they do not share.
Not sure you are just part of the tribe, you are our leader.
Save a tree, eat a beaver..
That font is kinda awesome. Just saying.
Actually i would love the book AND the eye… i can use the eye to freak out my 14 year old, while keeping dinner conversations … nice and flowing, not to mention my wife (who introduced me to this place) would just go … WTF! – at the eyeball, the book she would steal, run away to the bathroom giggling, bringing our dog and not be out til shes done (with the book that is!) … yeah we kind of belong i guess…
Me. Please.
I paid to rent Edward Penishands. Just saying. 😀
How can you fit bodies under you bed? Isn’t that where everyone hides their guns? I thought bodies belonged in car trunks….
Hmmmm, you had to ask about the bodies didn’t you! How did you find out?
Perhaps even after almost 4,000 comments, this story will qualify me as one of the happy recipients:
I can’t tell you how many cow eyeballs you need, but I can tell you that my 6 year old daughter (now 23 and still looking un-freaking-beautiful in bathing suits) once told a man, with a straight face and after some contemplation, when he asked, “How many bathing suits does a little girl NEED?” “Seventeen.” Her friends, who hate to even try on bathing suits, don’t get it. She explains, “Some people like shoes. Others like purses. Bathing suits have always been my thing.” (If she knew you, she’d add, “Some people like taxidermy.”) The only time we lost her in a store was when she was looking at bathing suits. Once she showed up in a store with a bathing suit for ME. “Nice suit, sweetie,” I said, “But you don’t even know my size.” Eye-roll followed by “You’re a size six, of course.” It was my favorite suit for years. She tried to get a job a a swim suit shop (we live in Southern CA) and they didn’t hire her. I was laughing, thinking, if they only knew how she could find a suit for anyone, they’d hire her in a flash.
This girl who I’m totally not friends with anymore stole my copy of your book. I love it and would really like another one. either way I will be getting another copy!
I don’t know about glass cow eyeballs, but my aunt has had quite a few glass human eyeballs. She use to put in a glass when my mom had sleepovers to scare all the other kids. And that’s why running into sliding glass doors is dangerous, but also kind of funny and awesome.
6
Very first class I taught this girl took her glass eyeball out. It was freaky-do not recommend.
After giving birth to a sparkly new unicorn (and by unicorn, I mean a human child) at the end of March, I fell behind a bit on the happenings in Bloggessland. Having a few entries to read feels like the first time, when I stayed up all night, reading and trying to smother my giggles in my pillow so as not to wake my husband. It’s like a little lottery.
If I win a copy of your book, I’ll sit in Barnes and Noble and read it all over again so people look at me, bewildered and amused while I explain through fits and tears of laughter what I am reading.
Before I heard about your blog from Pop Culture Happy Hour, I had never heard of Doctor Who or Tim Minchin. Now they are my new obsessions! You have improved my life 😉
Love your book.
Dying to read your book!
Love the blog and would enjoy reading your book. Plus I may have a line on a taxidermy walrus. Lmk if you’re interested. I nearly had 180 live partridge eggs today but someone got to them first. Would also take some eyeballs off your hands.
Jenny, you’re the Erma Bombeck of the 21st century.
Much love.
Nothing clever is coming to mind – but I do love your hair.
Does this thing work?
If one were to receive this UK version, would one have to read it with a British accent? And if we do, can it be in Alan Rickman’s voice?
You followed me on twitter and it made my week/month/year? (year’s not over yet). You are hilarious! I plan on reading your book for my English class and writing an essay about it. Can’t wait.
Wow this is a popular post! I will mildly amuse then with the story of my daughter and her birthday cake. For starters, she doesn’t like cake. So it is made of rice crispy cake. She is about to turn 4, and has requested a kangaroo cake. Bizarre indeed, but there is a reason. Her big sister was discussing -her- birthday cake a couple of months ago (requested ballerina), and I was going through flavour options.. vanilla chocolate lemon carrot.. up pipes Kate “-I- want a kangaroo cake”! And has stuck to her guns on the matter ever since. Quirky fun girl, it will confuse her friends on Tuesday at her not-australian-or-kangaroo-themed-in-any-way party!
Love following your blog! You are my therapy! I am on crazy pills too and now I know I am perfectly normal.
I painted my nails hot pink tonight. And, incidentally, would love to read an autographed copy of your book.
I have a stubby thumb. And as ogre-like as it may be, I think it’s my favorite.
I can’t wait to read your book! If I don’t win it, I’ll buy it soon 🙂 !! Love your sense of humor and you inspire me to get through my depression and anxiety. Thank you!
‘Comment’ ~ recent conversation with very elderly friend. He is asking the questions.
Q. ‘Why do I have a bottle of red wine vinegar on my counter top?”
A. ‘You asked me to buy a bottle for you and to keep it on your counter top.”
Q. ‘Why would I do that?”
A. ‘ I think you probably saw some recipe involving red wine vinegar.”
Q. ‘Was it halibut?’
Would love to have your book to give my daughter (a big fan) for her 50th birthday.
I love your book, your blog, and who you are in general. I love feeling like there is a group of people somewhere who get me. I love not having feel alone in my mental illness and in my life. Winning an autographed copy of your book would be icing on the cake.
My mom has a box of blown glass doll eyes, in three sizes and three colors. Not as cool as cow eyes but still pretty nifty.
I am now entered to win it!!!!!
Ooh! Ooh! I want one!
I never thought there was another person out there with my sense of humour – let alone a whole tribe of broken, wonderful, amazing people!
You and the rest of this splendiferous tribe help me literally not get scheduled into psych wards, not all the time but a lot of the time. Its helped me when i have come off life support after trying to take my own life. It helps me when i cant get out of bed or shower or change for 8 days, it helps me so very much.
Jenny – the grand wizardess of the whole tribe, for this i thank you. Not only for giving us a place to go, but for being strong enough to share your best and your worst.
I live in Australia so am out of the running but i just have to say you ARE making a difference.
Its like the old star fish story – The boy throwing the starfish back into the sea after a storm, an old man tell him he cant save them all you cant make a difference and he just keeps throwing them back and says, for that one i have made a difference.
We are kind of like your starfish, only instead of starfish we are cracked and crazy … and if i could make a request, when throwing me back, could it be into a large margarita?
Cheers.
I will comment because I would dearly love to win one, but I have my copy already so I will understand if I don’t win, but… Have I mentioned that I have the world’s dumbest cat? She’s like the Jessica Simpson of the cat world. Pretty to look at, but seriously lacking any detectable brain wave patterns.
When I was little, I crushed my left pinky in a car and it stunted its growth.
My hands look like they could belong to two different people.
I’m too cool for body symmetry.
i could use an englisch copy of your book to finally learn the language! 😉
I love your book so much I bought three copies. Two were to give as presents, but I couldn’t resist sharing its orsumness with another friend, so now I have none. sigh. Reckon you should write ‘The Adventures of Hunter S. Thomcat’ next.
Commenting because free awesome book, yay.
So here’s my random comment about nothing in particular:
42.
Also I’ve developed a theory in which the crazy cat lady is crazy not because of the cats, but because of men. Men drove her crazy and then she started collecting cats because cats actually love her and are uncomplicated creatures. Unlike men.
…maybe you’ve noticed I’m a bit bitter about the male population at the moment. That’s because boys are stupid and I always like the stupidest of them all.
Anyway, no matter. Book! I want one! Please please pretty please!
How exciting! I love cow eyeballs!
I love your book so much I bought three copies. Two were to give as presents, but I couldn’t resist sharing its orsumness with another friend, so now I have none. sigh. Reckon you should write ‘Th Adventures of Hunter S. Thomcat’ next.
What was I watching recently where someone famous admitted to keeping all his toenail clippings since he was a teenager..in a jar…ummmm, god who was it?
Anyhoo …all this toe talk distracted me.
I am in Australia, am I eligible for your literary goodness?
Your book made me lie in bed shaking….in a good way..trying hard not to wake my gf,with the laughter. I seriously can get the giggles just thinking about certain bits..the giant labia conversation especially. Funniest thing that has ever been put in my head.
Finding your book and then your blog, definitely made me feel less crazy and alone. I relate to you. But most of all you bring me so much laughter. What an amazing gift you are to the world!
So yeah as I have said before and I will say many times again. You are awesome.
And I’d love a signed book 😉
Wishing you happy days 🙂
Read your hilarious book with my 16 year old daughter- not sure if that’s ok to say in public. We think you are Junie B Jones all grown up. That is a BIG complement! I would love a real copy of your book. The pictures are really tiny on my $79 Kindle.
My cat’s fur tumbleweeds are getting larger than her. Perhaps I should vacuum.
I went to school with a kid who had a glass eye after he and his brother found out the hard way about playing with their dad’s switch blade. Send me a book, xoxo
Would love an autographed copy of your book! You make me laugh!
I think a person would go through maybe 3 eyeballs in their adult lifetime. Glass eyeballs that is. More if they start out as a juvenile.
Getting a physical copy of this book is way better than doing firewall upgrades!
I’m pretty sure my bunion would feel better if I had an autographed book. Not absolutely positive, but pretty sure. And I’m also fairly certain the tribe agrees.
Pick me…Pick me…lol!!!
I love your blog! I read it daily for my daily dose of humor. I owned a little drive thru espresso stand and would sit there and read your blog between customers and would get a drive up and would be laughing so hard it was almost impossible to make their latte’s. Thanks for the humor!!!
Just one more thing…love your suit!
My index toe is by far my favorite toe. It has a lot of character given how much furniture it has been rammed into and subsequently broken.
I’m hungry for cake. 🙁
I’m about to go shove some ground up pig into a bunch of pig intestines….but before I did that I decided to catch up on your site. So if I end up with delicious sausage AND a free book. Well, wouldn’t that just be awesome?
I gave a friend a metal chicken that was selling an air freshener by holding a note in it’s beak, offering the air freshener for $2. All because of you. Well, you, and a random creepy guy who tried to sell my friend an air freshener that he pulled out of the waistband of his pants for $2…so thank you, Jenny, and random creepy guy-ya’ll rock!
This reminds me of the time I was housesitting for my aunt who’s an ophtalmologist. Apparently the woman has a habot of keeping fresh eyes in her fridge. Imagine my surprise when I wanted to grab something to eat and all that was left in the fridge was a jar full of blank eyes that were staring at me.
Book!
I attempted to buy my friend a stuffed mouse in a jar with a happy birthday hat on it for her birthday, but after countless communications to the woman who was selling it, it would cost way too much to ship from the UK to where she lives. Shoot. An autographed copy of your book would be an awesome thing though!
Cheers! x
I would LOVE a book! It would make my day. I’d add it to my taxidermy book collection.
I listened to your book on audible. It was so funny, I almost wrecked my car. I was laughing so hard I had to pull over into a questionable rest stop to catch my breath and wipe the tears out of my eyes. Then I started reading your blog. Thank you for the laughs.
I received my ‘box-o-books’ last week. I looked from them, to my husband, then back to the ‘box-o-books’ again.
“Where do you want to store them?” he asked.
“I think I’m supposed to sell them.” I answered, still staring at the hopelessness before me.
“You couldn’t sell a fire extinguisher in Hell.” my beloved caressed my receding hairline.
Publishing causes its own form of hell.
I just want you to know that I totally get when you say “My daughter saves my life every day.” Because *YOU* and your blog save my life every day. I am not being dramatic. You helped me identify my out-of-control anxiety disorder & depression and now, most of the time, I can tell my brain to shut the fuck up because I know it is lying. Thank you.
My 15 year old son and I are about to come to blows over the library copy of your book that he brought home yesterday, so clearly another copy is needed. I found your tribe a couple of years ago, but he’s new to it. And fits right in. Should I be concerned…?
Cake.
I have read it and I own it but I might need an emergency copy…
My boyfriend is really into organic foods. I said that we could grow a garden. He said that he still wanted meat. I felt that it would be totally logical to slaughter stray cats, pigeons, squirrels, and other small beasties. He didn’t agree.
So, glass eyes. There’s a website called “Things I learned from my patients” where ER doctors relate their experiences. One doctor says he learned that “If you are going to get into a fight, and have a prosthetic eye, make sure you take it out first…..and, for safe keeping, shove it up your vagina…..then, realize that you cannot get it out and go to the ED for removal (happened to one of the guys in my residency).” So, I guess you get through a few that way.
Warning: There are some stories on there that I would actually like scrubbed from my memory. Enter at your peril.
Our cats match!
In other news, good luck to all, and congrats to the winner! Hope I’m not too late to enter.
I would love a copy!!
My family once took some cow bones we found on a farm and our them in our backyard.
I love this book, I often read it as a pick me up when I’m having a particularly hard day. I recently loaned it to a friend of mine, her reaction was, “Oh my god, why is this my life?” and I’m, “It’s not, but I know that feel.”
It would be great to give her a signed copy-especially if you include something about how you met the doctor and were probably his companion for an indeterminate amount of time.
yes, please!
I hate it when my husband uses business words to make what he wants me to do sound less like a chore. Like just say “go cut the damn bushes” instead of “could you help me with two items today?” Really. Items.
Having a bad Sunday and a bad menopausal season.
This comment is about how I hate packing.
For a min there I was all “OMG I totally need vintage glass cow eyeballs! I could put them in the bottom of a fish bowl and put a fish in there!” but then I realized my fish would need therapy so I’m equally happy its a signed copy of you book. My bestie totally needs a signed copy of your book since I already have one 🙂
I randomly slept on an airbed in a bar….and was locked in the bar until the owner came back in the morning to let me out.
I just ordered the book today. Not that I would mind having two copies… =)
so i just got back in town from visiting my in-laws. first night there mom, dad, and i all got smashed on straight vodka. i woke up the next morning without my bra wondering just how badly i had made a fool of myself in front of my new family. later that day fishing with dad and still braless he asks me, “what was with mom last night grabbing at you and insisting you take off your bra?” i sighed and shook my head with relief. all i could think was thank god my mother in law was the crazy one and it wasn’t me! we got back from fishing and still silently wondering where the damn thing was i hear mom shout from the kitchen, “oh yeah your bra is on the dining room table!” i married into the best family ever! and i really want a copy of the book please!
I’ve only read the first edition and the extra chapter is CALLING MY NAME!:D
So I’m currently living in Israel on a gap year program. My boyfriend, Victor, just left from a 12 day visit. Last night we stayed in a hotel in Haifa. We got there late so after check in, we wandered around looking for places to eat. The McDonald’s was closed and we wandered around for a good 20 minutes only to find everything closed and to end up on the same road we started on. So we went into a little convenience store, bought Ramen and Pringles, and used the kettle in the room for the Ramen and sat in bed eating and flipping through the channels on the tv. And I swear to god we found about 50 channels with porn channel names like “hot arab sex” all with photos of fully clothed, attractive women, and phone numbers.
I can’t fit any bodies under my bed because it has a waterbed frame that goes right to the floor. But I could probably fit a few dozen in my windowless van 😀
Well, I was really only interested in the eyeballs, but yeah, all right, I guess a book works, too.
one time my sister anonymously sent me two rubber baby fetuses in the mail, getting this book in the mail would beat that out for the best thing ever mailed to me, especially if this book comes with rubber baby fetuses. that would just be awesome.
I absolutely promise not to sue if I win a copy, even if I’m not in the new chapter.
My hair smells nice and I want to win!
Do glass eyeballs get dusty? I hate dusting.
I decided to get a Brazilian before I found out the cost and remembered how much I hate strangers touching me…so….I got out my old epilady, you know the one that rips the hair out by the roots but only after several passes as it slowly pulls each hair out. Somehow I got right side done…I realized I was fucked, cause I had no choice to finish even though I was bathed in sweat with tears running down my face, I grit my teeth and did this thing! Saved $65. but DAMN! Decided I was an old fashioned girl… Uh old lady… After all. Funny it grows back sporadically and slowly so if I keep up with twice weekly epiladying it’s. It so bad. Go figure.
PS. Love the smooth new me! So does the big guy.
I can fit approximately 250 glass eyeballs under my bed. And by glass eyeballs I mean bodies. And by 250 I mean 2. And probably a rooster.
Me me me me
Pick me! I have a metal chicken name Chardonay-nay.
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Now when I think about the “Double Unicorn Success Club” all that comes to mind is a kinky orgy involving unicorns. . . . You’d have to put tennis balls on the ends of their horns so nobody got hurt.
My grandfather currently owns 3 glass eyes. I can’t decide if he just likes to “update his look” or if he likes to swap them out to match different outfits… He just falls asleep and snores on me.
A book would be fabulous! I’d take it to the library where I work and I’d put it in the collection so the patrons could all bask in it’s awesomeness.
I used to have two bodies under my bed regularly, but can you call something a “body” if it is a living, breathing creature? I don’t have any bodies under my bed at the moment, but I could probably fit three average-sized human bodies or over a hundred critter-sized bodies under my bed, especially if said critters were ferrets. Of course, if I planned things out carefully, I could get the [live] ferrets to stash the human bodies under the bed and I wouldn’t have to do any of the work! I like that plan!
I LOVE BOOKS! I’m a definite book junkie. 🙂 I’m also double jointed.
Fun Fact… My Father-in-Law lost his right eye when he was two. He has been through approximately three glass eyeballs in his lifetime. Also, I would love to share this book with a dear friend of mine, so I promise giving me a copy would serve a greater purpose!
I would love an autographed copy! If you want I can autograph one of my books and send it to you if I win. I haven’t written a book but I would totally grab one off my shelf and send it your way. New Age, Self Help, Harry Potter, Old Textbooks…you name it!
I was thinking about what to write and thought of your suggestions. I decided to tell you about my favorite toe. Aren’t names for toes odd. We have the big toe which is the thumb equivalent. We have the pinkie toe. The middle toe. But what about the equivalent to the ring and index finger toes? Do we call it our ring toe? Our 4th toe? And is it a pointer toe? An index toe?
Anyways I decided my favorite toe is my index toe because it is the straightest and most slender toe.
There’s got to be a better way than to scroll through 3954 entries to enter a a contest.
I bought your book at the Seattle airport in hopes that it would distract me enough to forget that I am really far away from the ground. Unfortunately it only worked for part of the flight but at least it gave me something to hold on to. Now I am thoroughly enjoying it and hoping it can somehow help me convince myself to not stress so much on the return flight.
You know, I think most people don’t use very many glass eyeballs in their life. But it seems like lots of jewelry artists have been using them by the buttload in their jewelry- rings that stare at you, necklaces that make your boobs stare back and men, etc. I’m all for it, even if it is strange!!
Also? You kick ass for sharing your book. One day I will publish a book too!! 😀
Also, it’s my birthday, and a present from the Bloggess would be so kick-ass.
I like cake.
Is that not enough?
Glass eyeballs would make playing marbles much more fun. And you wouldn’t feel alone, because someone would be “watching”. Except they can’t actually see. Because their eyes are glass…
sigh
would love to win this!
I just broke my thumb trying to jam a cat into a cat carrier so that I could take him to board at the vet’s. I could use a copy of your book to help ease my pain.
Now that I’ve finished The Great Gatsby, in prep for the movie, I need a new book to read and I think yours is the perfect one!
I somehow hadn’t heard of your blog until 2 weekends ago when my friend almost fainted when she found out that I wasn’t an avid reader. Thank god she sent me your way…the hilarity is beyond words. You’re amazing!! 🙂
A friend forwarded me your piece on the giant metal chicken (Knock Knock Motherfucker…) and I almost peed my pants laughing, but proudly I did not. First, I forwarded it to everyone I know. Then I signed up to follow your blog. Then, I ordered your book. I figured that anyone who wrote that bit about the chicken deserved an immediate book sale. So glad I did because your book is probably the funniest book I have ever read in my life. Thank you for introducing me to other funny stuff besides Louis CK (who I was becoming more than a little bit obsessed with) and for being ridiculous and risky and totally off the wall hilarious. Yes, I’ve found my tribe and I don’t need the book cause I’ve already got it but if I win it I’d pass on my current copy and keep the signed one because that is valuable. Cheers to not having our arms stuck up a cow’s vagina:)
A friend of mine forwarded me your write up on the giant metal chicken (knock knock motherfucker…) and I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants, but proudly I did not. First, I sent it on to everyone I know. Then I bookmarked your blog. Then I ordered your book. I figured anyone who wrote that piece on the chicken deserved an immediate book sale. Thank you for introducing me to more funny stuff besides Louis CK (who I was becoming more than a little obsessed with.) Thank you for being risky and hilarious and totally off the wall. Yes, I have found my tribe. What a relief! If I win the book I’ll pass my current copy on to friends and keep the signed one, because that is valuable. Cheers to not having our arms stuck up a cow’s vagina! – k.t.
Ok, I would LOVE to write something witty, entertaining, hilarious, blah, blah , blah….truth is, that is why I come to your blog EVERY.SINGLE.F’ING.DAY!!!!! You are hysterical and I am sure your book is equally as hysterical, which is why I would LOVE to win an autographed copy!!
I have a dog named Tomato, and would like to read this book to her.
I would love a copy and I hope it is written with a British accent! my favorite toe is my right big toe because it survived a battle with a watermelon!
We can’t eat our just planted strawberries because the cat keeps using it as a litter box. Then the dog jumps in and digs the shit out of it. Literally.
I bought a hard cover copy that was signed by you since I missed your signing party in Kansas City (I found out the day AFTER you were in town. I guess I should pay attention to things like the news and … your blog). The I took that wonderful signed copy to Planet Comicon in KC and first had Wil Wheaton collate blank paper for me before having him sign your book too. Then I took this wonderful book and gave it to my sister who is a huge fan of your book/site and you. So now I am left without a copy of ‘Let’s Pretend’ and this may be the only way to get another signed copy. Getting Wil Wheaton to sign another copy will be totally up to me.
Oddly enough, I grew up on a farm and we had cows, but none ever needed a glass eyeball. Which is a good thing because I don’t know that cows are vain enough to care about their appearance. Plus, I can’t imagine how much trouble it would be to pop a glass eye into a cow’s empty eye socket.
I could use a good laugh this summer!
Hoping to win; but if I don’t, I’ll just pretend this never happened. 😉
It’s probably too late to win and I’ve never left a comment anywhere… but I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time with some friends who recently suffered a family tragedy and as a result I’ve learned ALL sorts of things about them. Like how when T had his eye removed from eye cancer years ago they had to give him a temporary eye while they made the permanent glass eye and it didn’t fit very well and would often just fall out on the pillow when he was sleeping and his wive would wake up screaming because there was an eyeball rolling around in their bed. We could all use a laugh around here so I’ll probably just go buy the book.
I read and loved your book, would also love to have the UK version and extra chapter!
Well shit, i hope i’m not late. I have been covered in puke and poop all week. My littlest one had a stomach virus and then she got the flu and an ear infection. Her antibiotics are giving her the crazy d’s… it’s been a hell of a week. A book from an awesome chick like you would lighten up my day lol
I work at a museum (on spiders actually, but that is another story). ANYWAY, last week I started my training on the art of taxidermy. We just put spiders in 100% Ethanol (no stuffing required) so it isn’t a skill I’ve had a call to learn before. HOWEVER, I love taxidermy. When I was in the States last year (at which time I read your fabulous memoir on my iPad) I went to New York and saw Sleep No More – when things got too overwhelming I spent a large amount of my time in this immersive piece of theatre just hanging out in a quiet corner with the taxidermy.
But I digress.
I completed my first taxidermy project last week, and as I was sewing up the little quail I thought of you and your taxidermy collection. And that made me very happy to think that I was in illustrious company.
I’d love to have a hard-copy of your book – I prefer the written page! I only got the iPad version because I wanted to read your book RIGHT THEN (when I’m not doing my science thing I can be a bit impatient, alas), but hard-copy would be much much lovelier 🙂
I was pretty sure our new house was haunted by cats, but then it turned out they were just using our yard as a shortcut to wherever stray cats go. I was both relieved and disappointed.
CLARA KNEW THE DOCTORS NAME FOR A SECOND. WE MUST BREAK INTO THE TARDIS LIBRARY NOW!!
Pick me! I’m lonely and depressed…. Not really. but pick me anyway!
I’m currently doing some intensive de-programming of Katie Holmes, but she keeps trying to escape from my basement. Any tips?
Big.
I read through every comment so I should probably win because, really, I’ve got nothing better to do.
Thank you for being so awesome, Jenny!
Haven’t gotten a copy yet, does it still count as entering to win one if I leave this one today? If so, ooo ooo ooo pick me, pick me! *Raises hand while jumping up and down*
humpty dumpty sat on a wall
humpty dumpty had a great fall.
and that was okay,
because he was kind of an asshole really.
I forget what I planned to write because my 2 year old randomly started going me a foot massage. With a tonka truck.
My uncle has an eye that’s made out of coral, because coral is porous and the eyeball-holding muscles can attach to it and make it move around like a normal eyeball.
Also, unrelated, I bonded with someone in Antarctica over the phrase “douche canoe” and we later found out that we shared a sweet burning passion for The Bloggess (a passion burning enough to melt the Antarctic ice sheet; so, sorry about that global warming thing).
Would LOVE to win a copy since I haven’t had a chance to read it yet!!
2 glass eyeballs per lifetime if we’re talking a regular-use person, but 15-20 if we’re talking about the sort who’s likely to make a necklace out of them.
I already read your book, and convinced all of my friends to read it, too. That is why I totally need a new copy with the bonus chapter… because I really want to read said bonus chapter, and one of my friends who I loaned my copy to has yet to return it. Ugh.
In other news, I have a cat that looks just like Hunter S. Thomcat. His name is Conan. And really, the resemblance is uncanny… especially the photo you posted of him peeping underneath your bathroom room. Conan totally does that too.
I swear I came up with the idea of asking other people the question: “Are you an Almond Joy or a Mound?” when I was 8 years old. We were on the bus headed to that horrible place called public elementary school. No one believes me though. I still think it is fairly genius. Okay. Maybe not genius, but for an 8 year old, that was pretty darn precocious.
Or, maybe not.
I think the number of bodies that could be hidden under a given bed is pretty variable, based on size of bodies and bed, as well as the state of the corpse. I could fit more under a twin bed if I chainsawed them up really small than I could fit under a queen size bed if I left them alone. Also what about platform beds? Those things are like 2-3 feet off the ground! You could get tons of people under there. But I think the biggest problem with hiding bodies under the bed would be the smell. You’d need some serious masking in that room. Incense isn’t gonna cut it, neither would Fabreeze, I think you would have to find some industrial strength shit, yo.
Haven’t gotten to read the book yet! Would love a copy!
I would love to win a book of yours, I love your blog. I’m too cheap to go out and buy books because I just read them in two days. I have very small hopes of finding your book in my neighborhood library ):
I have to say, I heart the fact that you give away copies of your books. Is it on the banned list, yet?