Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

4,084 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Since I didn’t get to see you when you were in Dayton, so therefore couldn’t get an autographed copy for my cousin, I would dearly love it if I could win a copy now, as a consolation prize.

  2. I’d love to win a copy!

    Comment on anything…hmmm…I’ve always wondered how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? And I always think of a recent commercial that has some guy yelling out his door “Hey woodchuck, stop chuckin my wood!”

    And I don’t know why that popped in my head…but it did.

    THanks for the chance!

  3. Oooohhh. Pick me! Pick me! I really want the extra chapter that didn’t come with my first copy!!

  4. When I was a kid, we would vacation in the inland lakes region of Maine. Think not a lot of streetlights, and pre video, pre internet, pre cell phone days. My mother made up a thinking type game for us to play while on the long drive up (or on long day trips while there). It was “Find the best place to dump a body from the car.” It wasn’t that easy, you had to find a place that was not too visible, preferably has a ditch (again to hide the body) and not well traveled. I can just imagine what someone else would think if they heard us. LOL

  5. And since I thought of that, I looked it up and found the answer: “A woodchuck would chuck all the wood he could if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”

  6. I introduced my sister to you recently by posting your story about Doctor Who (she’s a new Whovian) and then told her to look up “Beyonce the Chicken” and posts on taxidermy. I don’t think she ash done any work all week. Way to stimulate the economy. I’d love to share the book with her and contribute even less. Love, another Jen(ny).

  7. I HAVE R.A.! Not the roaming-traveling guess-which-body-part-I’ll-fuck-up-next kind of R.A. but you know – the regular giant-fingers, lots of vomiting with the meds kind. It’s a blast! And someone recommended your book because A) it’s hilar and B) you have arthritis too. It’s like we’re the same person. Except one of us has a best selling vintage glass cow eyeball.

  8. My cat just bit my elbow and then skulked off to eat kibble reluctantly. What, you got confused??? Elbows are not delicious and tasty?? Her body would totally fit under my bed.

  9. If I think you’re perfectly normal, what the fuck does that say about me??? May I win?? Please? Your book and blog are even more awesome than frenching unicorns while juggling vintage glass cow eyeballs.

  10. It took forever to get to the bottom of this page. If you did have some of those cow eyeballs you have all sorts of fans in your tribe that would love them. 🙂 Because everyone should share their eyeballs.

  11. I’d love one!
    It’s my cat’s 15th birthday today, so I’m sure he’d like to play with the glass eyes – or your book. You know how cats like to absorb knowledge by osmosis. Also known as insisting on being where the attention is. And my attention would be on your book. So I need your book so that my cat can demand my attention. More. Or something.

  12. Reading your blog always cheers me up, even when the cymbalta isn’t working

  13. Do vintage glass cow eyes come in green? Cause I’ve already got a box of brown ones. Loved the book and would love to own a copy of it. Our library keeps asking for theirs back.

  14. I made a comment earlier about my cat eating the strawberry plants and wanting to turn her into compost to feed the plants if I catch her at it again, but then worrying if that would make the strawberries unhealthy because I don’t call her Butter Butt for no reason. But it seems to have disappeared. I can’t find it. Butter Butt and me are very sad, although the cat probably actually not that sad because I think she kind of likes me being miserable. Cats are dicks like that. So I think I should get a book, O Benevolent One, since my first comment disappeared and I am oh so distraught. Also, I have GAD and depression and the beginnings of OCD so all that anxiety stuff and trolling suicide boards and not ever ever ever ever wanting to get out of bed and look in the mirror at the shadow of yourself again is very familiar to me.

  15. I blame you for getting me thinking about (and commenting on) bodies…or credit you…I can’t decide if thinking about bodies is a good or a bad thing.
    Anyway, your body-comment-suggestion reminded me of a conversation I had at a car dealership. I was looking at the new Tesla (electric car) recently and found out that it has two trunks, one in front and one in back and both are _huge_. I was so impressed that the first thing I said to the sales lady was “you could fit like five bodies in there”. You could tell she was a super good salesperson because she covered the shock really well before answering “You’d be surprised how many people comment on that. The car is quite roomy.” I guess extra storage space for bodies is just one of the benefits for not having an engine.

    NB. Not many bodies would fit under my bed…even the cat has trouble getting under there. Unless I had wood chipper…then more bodies would fit under the bed, but I think they would be harder to keep under there without some sort of containment device.

    Please note all speculation about bodies and wood chippers is just that. I have not major industrial lumber equipment (or bodies). 🙂

  16. I go to your blog for a good life and to feel a lot better about myself. Thanks for making the rest of us look good.
    Love & keep it coming.

  17. That autographed book and I are meant to be.

    When I found your blog the first thing I read was Beyonce’s tale. I knew immediately that I had found our people and shared the link with my daughter who is out of state. She is now the proud owner of your book and a mini-Beyonce. I have located a full sized rooster and have nearly convinced my husband that she must have it because it would make her smile and would be the best.Christmas.present.ever. Other than a babysloth. Or a box of glass cow eyeballs. Or an autographed copy of your book with the phrase “knock, knock motherfucker” in it.

    Also, one of my son’s best friends is a taxidermist whose medium is roadkill. A producer is trying to create a reality show about him and my son and his fiancee would likely be part of the show. The footage they have shot so far includes that of my son riding a motorcycle with a dead hog on the back. I shit you not.

    Thanks for the regular dose of absurdity and laughs. We’re so happy to have found your tribe!

  18. I sprained my ankle this morning. And I need something wonderful to read while I am busy whining.

  19. Hey, who designed that UK cover? They just didn’t seem to get it. I want my mouse!

  20. I’d love to win a copy! So…I figure I can fit about 4 bodies under my bed, if they’re intact. 😉

  21. Great, tease me about a box of glass cow eyeballs. There’s my productivity shot for the day as a ferret through eBay.

    I have been tempted by a display case of human glass eyes in the past. My other half was underwhelmed at my desire to own them. Really, who wouldn’t want a display case full of glass eyes?

  22. Let me tell you; I have had a sucky, sucky day. SUCKY. If, by some freakin’ miracle, I could win a copy of this box of books – or vintage eyeballs – then that would erase this day from my memory.

    And, if someone could possibly inform my bosses (yes, you read that right. I have THREE of them) that “No, despite what you have been lead to believe, Gigi CANNOT perform miracles” that would be awesome too.

    No pressure.

  23. I loved your book but one with your John Hancock would be a lovely thing!

    PS – I use an average of 3 cow eyeballs a week, mainly as a martini garnish!

  24. I almost posted something here about getting into an argument with a judge over my 5th-grade science fair project, but on reflection, there’s still a possibility that an arrest could come out of the whole affair.
    So, instead I’ll say that the little boy inside me who was scarred by the whole affair would love a free book.

  25. ACK! I want this so much! Plus now that I know there is a bonus chapter it is ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

  26. By far, the best bed for hiding bodies would be the bed in the spare room up at my cottage. Even though it’s only a full sized bed, it features plenty of vertical space, so we could stack bodies at least two deep. Plus, the cottage itself is down a country road, in a forest and has a handy river for dumping excess bodies. Added bonus: the river will carry the bodies AWAY from the cottage, unlike a lake, where they would just eventually float to the surface and then the Crminal Minds people would show up and my husband would be mad at me. Mainly because I would totally be flirting with all the guys. I know you can relate.

  27. I don’t know how many bodies would fit under my bed but we estimate that we can fit 5 or 6 in the trunk of my bigass car.

  28. Jesus H. Christ at the number of comments! My least favorite toe is the pinky. She’s a bitch and an embarrassment to all the other toes! Please pick me for the book!

  29. I’ve had a rough fucking life. My dead dad makes your still alive one look normal. A little less rougher since I splurged on this book for myself. You’re fucking awesome. I have a book of stories begging to come out, and you’re the reason it’s going to happen.

    So, thanks and a hat tip.

  30. This book sounds like the story of my life. Things that have unfortunately happened to me:
    1. Have had multiple people that don’t know each other make comments along the lines of, “If I didn’t know you were so smart, I’d think you were retarded.
    2. Have run over my own leg with an ATV.
    3. Have been taken home drunkenly from a neighborhood block party in a wheelbarrow.
    4. Have ripped the butt of my pants at the office so that my left butt cheek was showing.
    5. Gave myself a concussion getting into my car in my garage.
    6. Took ACT test unaware there were panties static clung to the ankle of my pants.
    7. Dropped my keys in between the center console of my car and driver’s seat, then proceeded to get my hand stuck for ten minutes trying to reach them.
    8. Have locked my baby in my car several times (locksmiths come to you first and usually don’t charge you).
    9. Used the shelf bra in my camisole as a pocket to throw my keys in, then forgot where I put my keys and walked around shopping for two hours looking like I had a mutant third nipple.

    Obviously, I need this book.

  31. Your book is way more fun than the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer (and your writing is funnier than the reviews it gets on Amazon)!

  32. My favorite toe is the fourth toe on my right foot because I broke it on a suitcase while running to the bathroom during a commercial break of the Winter Olympics of 1992. That story was embarrassing to tell to the doctor but thankfully I did make it to the bathroom. And now all you good people know about my favorite toe. Love the book, love the tribe. Depression lies and Xanax allows me to go out in the world.

  33. Because you’re the bravest and funniest person I have never actually met, and because I also have a ginger cat I adore (but who would have no compunction about goring me if I tried to put a unicorn horn on his head), and because of your haunted doll house and your confidence wig and for so many other reasons…..I would love another copy of your book.

  34. Oooh! Pick me, pick me!!! Also, my index finger-toe (the one between the big and middle) is larger than my big toe. By a lot. On both feet. They’re my lucky toes.

  35. Joining a roller derby team helps me remember that “depression lies”! 43years old abd kicking 20year old asses!!!

  36. Your book was the best fucking shit I have read and I don’t read to often. Loved it and kind of pissed I loaned my copy, because I know I will never see that one again. I hope the British version includes colorful expressions like “Bullocks” and “bloody hell”. I own a taxidermied penguin named “Charlie” and a flat faced Frenchie, often referred to as Freak McNasty. We are practically soul sisters. Thanks for being awesome!

  37. it would be cool if whoever wins a books gets an eyeball too. . . or to win we have to guess how many eyeballs you received.

  38. I have had your blog in my RSS feed since a friend sent me the first entry about Beyonce. When you don’t post for a few days, I go into withdrawal.

  39. We don’t need to discuss the bodies under the bed……. And I would love to have a new copy of your book, especially with the added chapter.

  40. You are an oasis in the desert of my days. The first time I encountered your magnificence was from a link on Epbot to the Beyonce Incident. Ever since then I have been a loyal an proselytizing minion to the wonder that is the Bloggess. Thank you for being you and regularly imperiling my laptop with spewed liquids. I have mostly learned not to sip and stare but sometimes it happens.

  41. To make you laugh:
    My husband and his friends have come up with a new way to measure area. Or more specifically, trunkspace in a car. They look at the trunk and decide how many dead hookers they can fit in it. The more the merrier. We currently have a 3DH trunk. This type of information is useful if you ever need to hide a body.

  42. I nearly busted a digit scrolling through the comments! If I get one I would request that you inscribe it with something in the voice of your favorite real or not real doctor who character (I’m partial to river song, who I pretend to be when I’m feeling like I need some extra gumption. Like how beyonce – the singer not the chicken – pretends she’s Sasha fierce on stage).

  43. I keep meaning to look for your book but it never fails that if I make it to the bookstore I never make it beyond the pratchett/gaiman/gibson aisle before I make a beeline for the cashier and out of the place. I would love to see what is in there after all the things I have learned on your blog (the unicorn horn post in particular was enlightening…who knew that tonsil stones and milkspots actually had names) or wished I could unsee (though the same post probably applies). Also the posts with the cats sort of convince me that cats aren’t demonspawn (I’m a dog person, like 50+ lbs minimum dog, not the snacksized).

  44. I’m pretty sure I can only fit 4 glass eyeballs in my mouth at once.

  45. Will Ferrell does a great impersonation of George W. Bush. That’s all……

  46. My favorite toe in the whole world is on my four-year-old daughter. It has a big freckle and she calls it her chocolate chip toe. I frequently pretend to eat it. I love the covers of the UK version, I want one!! Plus I loaned my copy out to some friends and haven’t seen it since, so I need a replacement.

  47. Loved listening to the audiobook, and was sorry when I finished it, because you have to love laughing out loud on the drive to/from work. And am still giggling about frenching a unicorn.

  48. Your blog makes me so happy…and feel much more normal.

  49. I had a voice teacher in college with a glass eyeball. I could never remember which one it was and usually spent the first half of my lesson staring at him trying to figure it out.

  50. So, I was fully prepared to come over here and tell you I like my fourth toe best. Then I realized you might count your toes differently than I do, so I tried to figure out what the names for toes are and couldn’t. Do toes have names??? Fingers have names. So, I’m just going to call it by the finger name – ring toe. That’s my favorite one, but only the left ring toe. The right one’s a wanker.

  51. Your favorite toe: The market one.

    The pet names of your body parts: Naomi. Bill and Potato

    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Normal: 15 Abby: 42

    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: How many did you need to hide? I live in CT. a.k.a. Woodchipper state, we make it work.

    Really would be thrilled to own a copy of this imported cow eyeball book. 🙂

  52. We’ve already bought 4 copies of your book at my house and I won’t let my hubby read any of them! His fingers are usually grubby. :/ Plus we gave 2 of those copies away as awesome birthday gifts. He REALLY needs to read your book though and see that he is not alone in fighting the darkness. An autographed copy for him would just MAKE OUR DAY! Have an awesome one yourself and thanks for the smiles!!! Love ya!

  53. I’m a dude and I still think you are the funniest thing since Lenny Bruce! (That’s right. It’s a Lenny Bruce reference)! I tell everyone to read your blog. My wife loves the taxidermied (Hey look! I just made up a word!) creatures the best. She doesn’t care who you are as long as you keep those stuffed critters coming. (I truly care who you are however). Oh yeah, about the free book…..Please, please, please. (Oh I’m sorry. I don’t mean to beg). It’s so unbecoming……….

  54. First, you are awesome…and some kind of kindred spirit sister.
    Second, when I was little I used to have this recurring dream about these (friendly) gremlins that would come visit me, but I had to hide in the closet because for some reason they were scared of me. I miss those guys.
    I loved the book and still love it and would LOVE an autographed copy!

  55. I was reading your book on my NOOK, before a job interview, just to keep myself relaxed and calm. Problem was, I kept cracking up, and laughed until I cried at one point. I was able to clean myself up before the interview, but I probably had a maniacal gleam in my eyes the whole time.
    Bottom line: Didn’t get the job, but found my tribe.

  56. Congrats on your success! Bravo! And I loved your stories about your dad and furry animal friends. Strange. And new but old…because it was the 70s, right? New to me, anyway. And funny. I also want to say you used the word “fuck” as a noun, adjective, verb, conjunction, proper name, and I could go on. Very brilliant!

  57. I would love a copy, and I would love it if you came back for another event near LA, so that I could get all flustered around you all over again and squeal over Copernicus (or whoever joins you).

  58. Fantastic! (To quote my most favorite Doctor) I’d love to have a copy of the British version of your book. But only if words have extra “u”‘s in them – like favourite, colour, neighbour…just seeing those words makes me read them with a British accent!

  59. I loved your book, and I’m studying for finals and could really use a laugh! Pick me!

    I don’t think a normal person uses any glass cow eyeballs in a lifetime. Which is thoroughly boring, and why I’m not friends with normal people. I’m sure my friends and I could find multiple uses!

    Also, many bodies under my bed. The one benefit of crappy dorm room lofting. 🙂

  60. Getting a copy of your book would totally be better than drenching a unicorn.

  61. watching arthur darvil give a tour of a taxidermy shop on the nerdist. also this is my favorite book!

  62. Jenny I totally thought of you the other day when I saw a video of a cat in a shark costume riding around on one of those robotic floor cleaners. And there was a small duck I the video too.

  63. I don’t care if I win a copy, but I wanted to thank you for your writing your book.

  64. When I was young, I was one of those kids who stuck things up his nose.

  65. I read this and my first thought was, do they float? (the eyeballs, not the books…)

  66. Hooray! You are awesome!

    Also, I’m wearing shoes with Union Jacks on them, so clearly this means that I need the British book.

  67. When my husband inherited an antique candy dish from his however-many-great grandmother Halle Berry (no joke), what did I fill it with? Yep. Glass eyeballs.

  68. When my 10 yo learned about erections, he thought his dick was going to explode. Lol.

  69. Please send me one!! I have had a Horrible week! I went to a classmates funeral. He passed of a drug overdose, he was very depressed. The Memorial service was at a another classmates house. There was an Exwife, new girlfriend, strippers and a bon fire. In the end mice on fire ran out of the Pyle of brush and the new girlfriend collapsed after the service. After they spread his ashes in the back yard. It’s been a long disturbing week. I can never get off work in time to get to an autograph signing… And I’ll read it in an English accent…

  70. I have a zombie toe. A few years ago I very smartly thought that moving a couch by pushing it down an uneven sidewalk with flip flops on. The couch stopped and my foot kept going and my zombie toe was born or unborn. I broke my big toe in 2 places and tore off the whole nail. 4 years later and my toe is still all zombified.

  71. My dad has a small collection of glass eyes. He uses them for some strange character he plays at children’s birthday parties. Or to drop into the food and drinks of unwanted house guests. Strange man, my father.

  72. I tell everyone I know to read your book. Well, I tell the people I know it won’t offend. Well, I told my husband because I was laughing so hard I was crying in bed, and he was curious because usually that only happens with him. Wait . . .

  73. So, I’m seeing that there are currently 1974 comments, which would make mine #1975, which – coincidentally – is the year of my birth. So, I’ve got to be destined to win, yeah? 🙂 🙂

  74. I’d love a copy! I could reread your book over and over again… Wonder what that says about me

  75. No bodies can fit under my bed….I hope that doesn’t disqualify me from entering to win your book

  76. My brother looked at my wishlist, and saw your book, so bought it for my for my birthday, and gave it to me just in time for my first international flight, which happened to be to my life-long-dreamed-of vacation to Scotland. I laughed, snickered, chortled, teared up a bit, and felt like I was being accompanied by a close friend on my solo-trip. I would love to have a book that you signed. 🙂 Maybe next time you come out Seattle way I’ll have enough notice to request the day off so I can show up at your event. Thanks for being outspoken about you, and making it easier for all of us who are slightly off “normal” to feel like we can talk about what it’s like to be us. <3

  77. Favorite toe? NOT the one that is hammer toe-ing (sp?) and causing me pain. Pet names of body parts? Tokyo Stompers (my feet, cuz they look like Godzilla’s). How many glass eyeballs a normal person uses in a lifetime? 1, if they are lucky and 2 if they are not. The number of bodies I can fit under the bed? 2 1/2, if I move the AR-15.

  78. Would love to have your book! My sister and I keep in touch despite living hours apart by sending each other links to your stories all the time!

  79. I definitely just read that whole post in a sexy British accent. That alone should make me a winner. Also, the only body parts I have nicknames for are my breasts, which I called Dorothy (right one), and Toto (left one).

  80. I have a pirate cat. Her name is River (Tam or Song, depending on her level of crazy) she lost her eye before we got her, but won’t wear an eye patch (no matter how many zebra striped/leopard spotted ones I make and put on her)

    I thought since it was a post about fake eyes…..

    Also? she looks like Hunter S. Thomcat =^.^=

  81. When I found your blog 2 years ago, I was all WTF is all this.. I have only recently started to “get” you and all I can say is WOW. I write “dont blink” on my bananas that I bring to work for lunch…sometimez.

  82. Hell, I wanted your book anyway but my husband has forbidden me to buy any more books until I got rid of some. Winning a book doesn’t count as buying so I could add yours to my collection.

  83. My favourite toe is definitely not the toe that is still black from wearing too-tight ski boots months ago. Stupid toe.

  84. Today I found out I will probably get to meet Nathan Fillion this year so it’s already the best day ever.

  85. are all glass cow eyeballs brown? do all cows long to jump over the moon? do cats normally play a fiddle? who exactly is diddle-diddle?

  86. So I’m pretty sure that Ferris Mewler and my kitten, Einstein, are related. Except Ferris Mewler is more porn star/fashion model and Einstein is more sharp knives attached to his hands/bitey teeth wrapped around my ankle. He may think is name is Asshole because I spend a lot of time saying “Get off of me, Asshole”. Which also works for my husband. But that’s a different thought all together. So, to summarize, I’d like an autographed copy of your book to accompany the non-autographed copy that I own. You see how these things link together, right? I knew you would…

  87. you had me hooked with Giant Metal Chicken – it is my remedy for the blues
    would surely love the book – better than Xanax!

  88. As someone with ball jointed dolls, I think I prolly already have far more glass eyeballs than I can use.

  89. You could randomly place them throughout the house , so victor feels like they are watching him. Glass eyeballs I mean.

  90. glass cow eyeballs? I can’t wait to see what you do with them.
    My cat’s names are George Washington, Iolaus, and Ernest Shackleton.
    I would love to win an autographed copy of your book.

  91. Um…just to clarify…my husband doesn’t often have sharp knives attached to his hands or bitey teeth wrapped around my ankle. I felt compelled to clear that up…he may be Supreme Ruler of the Universe one day…I don’t want to sully his image.

  92. I once complimented a man on his car on our first date. He responded with, “Yeah, but you can only fit 2 bodies in the trunk. Three if you chop them up.” Best. First Date. Ever.

  93. Actually, I have a pet name for my half-toe, which got amputated due to an infection. I call it THE HAMMERHEAD.

  94. I was kind of hoping for a vintage glass cow eyeball but since my sister stole my copy of you book, I’d like to have British replacement. Speaking of bodies, I always measure the size of a trunk (boot) in bodies. You know, just in case.

  95. I had a cat named Foosilly and to play with her mind I would have “backwards day” by pretending I was Mr.T and calling her “Silly Foo”

  96. The amount of bodies under my bed would depend on if they were whole or if they were chopped up in to bits. Whole I would say 3 to 4 depending and chopped in to bits – the possibilities are ENDLESS!

  97. You make me laugh everyday! Thank you also for introducing me to Matt Smith and the new Dr. Who–so glad the kids have been sick (not really) so that I can sneak in episodes while they are napping!

  98. My comment is this: I’m graduating from college next week, twenty years after I started! Woo-hoo!

  99. I just tore off the remains of my gel nails. Bad idea.
    I think that you, the Blogess, and Chelsea Handler, and I could be related. Or
    Triplets. We all kinda hate people and everything in between. #soannoying

    Back to my nail issue. Ciao. (P.S. approximately 3 bodies, comfortably.)

  100. When I was a kid I thought if someone punched you hard enough before all your adult molars came in, that your body would reabsorb the teeth and they could wind up growing out of another bone in your body. As if the tooth–idk, seeds??–would go wandering and eventually you could grow a tooth on like your elbow or your kneecap or something. I had a spinal operation 7 years ago and before the procedure I had nightmares they’d open me up and find molars on my vertebrae. And then they’d tell me it was because I rode my bike into the back of a Domino’s delivery car, teeth-first, when I was 7.

    Freak teeth are still kind of a phobia. But I think Gypsy Molar might be an awesome name for a terrible band.

  101. Yep. Want. This book made me laugh and cry and feel things. Of course I want an autographed copy!

  102. I need more of these books because I keep trying to lend people my copy (signed at the Kansas City book tour), and no one will take it because it’s “too special” and they’re afraid something will happen to it. This is all very sweet and polite, but I MUST SHARE THE AWESOMENESS.

  103. I would also love to win your book! It will be fun to see how I make out when I try to hold in my laughter while reading your book on the ferry during my morning commute!

  104. I want to win! I think that the average person needs about 6 glass eyeballs…unless they are the wrong size, then they might fall out and break more often…so I amend my answer to 6 well-fitting glass eyeballs.

  105. Take it as a compliment that when I saw the dead mole I thought of you.

  106. My favorite toe is the one that tables and doggy paws don’t attack. (I guess that means I don’t like my toes at all.)

    I’ve never named my body parts. I totally should though. Imagine, instead of saying “I hit my funny bone the table” it could be “I hit Taylor Swift on the table”.

    I think you would use at least two glass eyeballs per creepy stuffed dead animal you make. I think a normal person would only ever use one in their life time but normal people are boring.

    Brb, let me crawl under my bed with all my friends and I’ll let you know how many bodies fit.

  107. Your blog is my guilty pleasure …I love to log on and read at work when I am having a particularly awful day. It always makes me smile, laugh and realize I am NOT the only one out there like me. 🙂 I would love a signed copy of your book!

  108. p.s. don’t you find it a spot odd that the brit version of your book does NOT have HAMLET VON SCHNITZEL on the cover? not that you aren’t lovely….

  109. My right boobs name is Betty Boob and my left boobs name is Mamela Anderson.

    Also, I let a friend borrow my copy of your book about 7 months ago and she never gave it back.

    I don’t blame her.
    But I want to read it again.
    And an autographed copy sounds more kickass than a unicorn drenching a woman.

  110. I’d so love a copy of your UK book. Your book had me laughing so hard I was crying. Thank you for keeping me laughing in a more trying time in my life.

    P.S. I love unicorns and the pictures of the snogging unicorns were fanfreakingtastic!

  111. Even though I already own the book I feel the need to enter because I love this cover. I will mention here that I just ate massive amounts of peanut M&Ms that I got the day after Easter. I am on the cusp of sick/happy.

  112. Ugh. Autocorrect.


    I mean, I don’t know how unicorns feel about golden showers, but I feel negatively about them.
    Actually, I might consider it if it were a unicorn because hey, motherfucking unicorns!

  113. My female spawn-child now loves Dr. Who. Another one added to our flock. You’re welcome. Please send her your book so she can count the number of times you say vagina and we can speed past that uncomfortable benchmark. 🙂

  114. I didn’t actually read your book, I listened when you read it to me on audiobook. Does that still count? I think we are from the same tribe.

  115. Oh how I have wanted to read this book for a while now. I would love to have the opportunity to win one of your autographed copies. It’s a pretty cool tribe that you’ve got here!

  116. I have a friend that has had several glass eyeballs. She has to get them replaced periodically because I don’t know why, but she uses them as Halloween decorations. The cool thing about human glass eyeballs is that there is an artist that hand paints the iris to match the other eye and that on the back side they paint a small picture so that they can tell the eyeballs apart.

  117. I own the ebook and would love to read the new chapter. I promise to pass your book on to a bookless tribe member. Also- no favorite toes, genetics and RA have not left us on good terms.

  118. I could probably fit 9 bodies under my bed…..but then id have to throw out all of those glass eyeballs.

  119. please pick me, because i was once a juror on a serial killer case. i’m not kidding.

  120. My kids are sick at the moment. My two year old keeps running up and wiping his snotty nose on my clothes, it’s completely disgusting.

  121. What the bleeding ‘eck have glarse eyeballs got to do with the price ov fish?!

  122. Unfortunately I can’t fit any bodies under my bed since I just moved and have my box spring on the floor. I need to figure out some other storage solution.

  123. I love being a part of this Tribe!! Would love to win one also!!!!!

  124. I totally want to read your book. I keep hoping someone will gift it to me, but so far my Jedi mind trick has apparently failed because no one has offered me a copy adorned with a bow. Winning a copy would probably be the next best thing to suddenly coming into my as-yet dormant Jedi abilities. ^_^

  125. Last week, I taught the two teenage boys I tutor their first ever sex-ed lesson (they are 17). Surprisingly, that description is NOT a euphemism.

  126. If I won this would you post it to New Zealand? Or, you know, hand deliver it? We have a spare bed!

  127. My favorite toe would have to be my right pinky toe that has completely regrown its toenail at least three times this year because I have no sense of space and run into everything.

  128. A friend in high school had a glass eyeball. She would take it out during biology and gross out the preppy girls even worse than they already were grossed out by dissecting stuff.

  129. So, my friend and I decided one night after watching Law and Order that we really needed to know how many dead bodies the average person discovers in a lifetime. We figured by Law and Order standards, it has to be at least 5. We performed diligent Google searches, found fascinating things out about prostitutes, and information about your own dead body, but we never got a number. I figure we deserve something for all of our hard work, right?

  130. Pick me pick me! I was looking for new houses & I saw one with a bunch of animal heads on the walls & thought of you.:)

  131. Your book made me laugh harder than I’ve laughed in a long time. Thank you!!

  132. I’m from New Zealand, and I can’t get your book here yet unless I order it from Amazon and they charge lots to ship a little book all the way here so here’s hoping, but otherwise I will patiently wait for your book to come out here because it’s nice to read about people as weird as I can be 🙂

  133. I would like to enter to win anything you’ve touched so I can have an object touched by a celebrity. But really, you’re awesome. I’d love to enter to win a copy. Please remain as unbelievably cool as you are.

  134. I recently dropped my laptop on my ring toe, and it has an awesome bruise that looks like a smiley face.

  135. There’s a duck nesting in the bushes next to my front porch.

  136. Ooo. I’m pretty sure I could fit 1.25 morbidly obese personages under the bed, or 4 average sized people, assuming I can duct tape their arms and legs together so they won’t flop out the sides/

    In other news, I call my boobs my “purin purins.” You know, like the giga pudding commercials.

    Wow, I hope I win! I need something to stop this desk from wobbling.

  137. I should win, because I lent my hardcopy to a former girlfriend, who left me and kept the book

  138. I was going to leave a funny(to me) post, but after reading most of these I have no chance. I loaned out my book and haven’t gotten it back. That’s how good it is.

  139. Well, first of all, I am a personal unpaid advertisement for the book. Laughed and cried hysterically throughout. So much so that my kid asked me not to sit by him and read it, and people on the plane must have thought I was high as a hippie. I tell people about it all the time, clearly sales have increased dramatically just based on my awesome tale of how amazing it is. No pressure at all…. Anyways, I think I win the prize for odd dog names. Guppi the Puppi, chihuahua with long hair, and Bug, the tiny terrier of terror. Love ya, Jenny!

  140. I got married Saturday! This would be a fantastic wedding present! I will even send you a thank you note too! 🙂

  141. Saddly no bodies would fit under my bed… unless you meant metaphorically, like skeletons in your closet, but you’ve seen my closet and know that nothing would fit in there so that jus leaves the almost non-existent space under the bed, that is still bigger than the totally non-existent space in my closet, and why would you keep your skeletons in your closet if you are gonna be constantly having to move them around to get to your clothes? What was the question again?
    Anyway I live in Mexico and just recently managed to get a copy of your book, and good thing I waited cause I get to read the extra chapter. I’m just starting it and I totally love it. It has already made me look like a crazy person in the bus, which is great cause no one wants to sit with a crazy person so I get the whole seat for myself.

  142. I’d love a copy – if only because I bought it in both hardcover and Kindle edition and bought two additional hardcover copies as gifts. If I bought the new version just for the new chapter, my husband might kill me.

  143. “Some of those people on Match Game were drunk. With power.”=30 rock

  144. My daughter was born with 11 toes. To be fair the 11th toe disappeared once I slept. But I counted 11 toes when she was born. True story.

  145. Me! It would be an awesome read after the craziness of preschool right before summer.

  146. My love for you started with the chicken. And Victor. It lives on.

  147. once again I”ll state that I would love love love to win an autographed copy of your book, especially since I don’t have that extra chapter and I swear its driving me crazy knowing that the extra chapter exists and I don’t know what it says!!!! 😛
    Please pick me, thank you 🙂

  148. I can only fit one body under my bed right now, unless they’re midgets. Then I could totally fit two. The rest of the space is filled with three storage bins filled with boots. My shoe addiction is so great that I was forced to give up dead body hiding spots. It’s a real problem.

  149. One time my friends and I used a jersey shore name generator and I came up with K Pop for me and now I refuse to be addressed by anything other than K Pop. I knew it’d finally caught on when my grandma used it. I promise I’m not a dbag. Also, I have 4 yards of mulch to do tomorrow and I hate that they measure it in yards. And that the first year of home ownership I made an ass of myself when ordering mulch and talked in circles with the sales guy.
    Guy: how man yards do you need?
    Me: just one I think.
    Guy: Most people start with at least 4 because they get free delivery and can use it.
    Me: blank stare
    Guy:so four?
    Me: so then I give mulch to other people for their yards?
    Guy:blank stare
    Me: I’m so confused
    Guy: yard is a measurement like cubic yards
    Me: oooooooooooh. So how big is that?

    And I got too much mulch that year. And then we moved and now I use enough mulch that I could open a mulch store.

    And I want a book.

  150. After much goading from my husband and friends, I have started writing. So far, I have the beginnings of a short movie script, a response to a student asking about inter-faith marriages, half a Cracked article, and what appears to be a list of things that toddlers think at 4am. I am KILLING this writer thing! I think tomorrow I’ll just go back to reading what other people write, though, so your book would be nice. Thanks.

  151. My boyfriend bought me the kindle version. But then my kindle broke. And I don’t have the money for a new one right now. Help me out?

  152. DAMMIT. I already bought an ebook. but a hard copy would be nice. Does it read in a British accent?

  153. For some reason this post reminds me of “Good Country People” by O’Connor. Must be my English teacher attention to/fixation on artificial body parts! And cheers to you!

  154. Letting you be a part of it? I think it’s safe to say you are our leader. Bless your heart.

  155. I would love to read your book!!!! I keep meaning to buy it but I have 2 toddlers sucking my brains out.

  156. nothing would make me happier than another copy of this book- I was reading it in an airport, crying/laughing and more than one person came up to ask what book it was because it had to be wonderful if it made me laugh so much- also my thumb nail is wider than it is long- some kinda weird deformity- and I recently found out there are support groups for people like me- with freakish thumbs- brachydactyly type D thumbs that is

  157. I keep reading that sugar is bad for you, but then I read that local honey is great for you. This is very confusing for me. SCIENCE, CONTROL YOURSELF.

  158. Your book made me laugh so hard. And I had a bathroom party of my own when I went to one of your book readings in San Antonio. I wanted so much to go talk to you but I couldn’t. I can’t wait till your next book comes out. And winning one of the first would be fantastic

  159. My brain is my favorite organ. I nearly lost it in a bad fall last year, so of course I’m glad it didn’t leave me. My liver is my second favorite organ, because, well, wine.

  160. i prefer eyepatches over glass eyes for cows. Pirate cows are amazing. Arrrrmoo

  161. I’m 2029! That’s my favorite year! I don’t have a lot of signed books… one Ray Bradbury and a David Sedaris… But I’d be tickled to add your work to the mix!
    Keep Calm Take a Zanax,

  162. Nicknames of body parts? Well my so-called friends named the girls “Deanna” and “Beverly” after the characters that were covering them on the Next Gen t-shirt I wore back in the 1990’s. Nice, huh?

    So now that I’ve embarrassed myself . . . I hope I win a book. Or at least make you laugh. I owe you a few!

  163. My favorite toe is the one that makes me look the best. I should spend more time invested in how my toes look.

  164. If I was feeling motivated I could probably squeeze at least 10 bodies under my bed 🙂

  165. I’m studying for my PhD qualifying exam and going stir crazy doing it. Meeting you in SF was a great diversion, but now I just want to re-read your book!

  166. While out shopping at my favorite thrift tore today, I may have picked up a pair of vintage moon boots! And I would love a copy of your book!

  167. Someone I know from Australia was going to bring me a kangaroo balls keychain when she came to the US a while back, and then she forgot. I AM BEREFT OF KANGAROO BALLS KEYCHAINS. T____T

  168. I am a 7th grade math teacher. If anyone needs an extra dose of hilarity at the end of her day, it’s me! 🙂

    Also, I love winning at everything. Even internet contests.

    Random fact: typewriter is the longest word that you can write using only the top row of the keyboard.

  169. Your favorite toe: My pinky/baby toe. IDK why…it’s cute?
    The pet names of your body part: Boobs – Thelma and Louise.
    How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime: Hmm…three?
    The number of bodies you can fit under your bed: I plead the fifth.

  170. I just want you to know that last week I was waiting in the hospital while my dad had triple bypass surgery. I was so glad to have your book with me to help lighten my day. Thanks for being with me. An extra copy is always good for something like a wobbly table or a friend in need.

  171. I want this book, mainly because no one sends me parcels because they don’t know how to write Chinese characters. But I’m ok with you taking the easy way out and just printing out my address.

    Also Facebook and Youtube and Blogspot and a hundred other websites are blocked in China, so when I first moved here I felt homesick and isolated and desperately alone. Then I discovered that your blog *wasn’t* blocked, and the laughter has gotten me through moving cities, two brutal peri-Siberian winters, and a whole lot of feeling hemmed in by way too many people.

    Thank you.

  172. Pick me! Pick me! I want another copy, but a different version with an extra chapter!!!!

  173. My dog Frank has extra toes. We thought it was just dew claws and were going to get them taken off but it turns out he just has extra. I think it makes him more stable on two feet. Like he could be a boxer, not a dog boxer, because he is a pyranees/lab mix, but a real “mama says knock you out” boxer.

  174. Ha-I actually do have a favorite toe! It’s my second “royal” toe, which is very long, just like the Statue of Liberty’s second toe.

  175. My favorite toe is the one right next to my big toe. Because I stub my big toe, and I jam my baby toe, and sometimes even the toe next to it (do you call it the ring toe?)
    But nothing bad ever seems to happen to my pointer toe. By saying this I have now jinxed my favorite toe. Damn it.

  176. I met Wil Wheaton twice this week at the Calgary Expo. I was bathed in his aura of awesome. Pick me!

    (I saw Nathan Fillion from a distance and he is smokin’ hot).

  177. Ask me about my attention deficit disorder, or pie, or my cat. A dog. I have a bike. Do you like reality tv? I saw a shiny rock. Hi.

  178. You made me a legend at work. I offered you a taxidermied animal to review one of our products and then I got my manager to take me to the sketchiest pawn shop ever to price out an emu. It was expensive but so worth it. I kind of wish you had said yes because I wanted to see our accountant’s face when I tried to write it off as a business expense.

    … That totally beats looking at porn at work, which also happens a lot.

  179. I have just been put on bed rest for the next five weeks or until this little mini-egg decides to make an appearance and I’m afraid I’m going to COMPLETELY LOSE MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    If left to my own devices I will have nothing to do but lie here contemplating the massive cankles that got me into this predicament (wow, thank you spell check, I would never have guessed that’s how you spell predicament).
    Please save me from my MASSIVE Cankles! I think a book to hold up in front of my face will do the trick. Unless of course they grow to such mammoth proportions that they swell out on either side and start to be visible in my peripheral vision, oh god, is that even possible? Now I need to do a Google image search for cankles…
    Thank you, that is all.

  180. I was gifted this book by my dear friend, since she recognized us both as members of the tribe as well. I have it only on my Kindle. Since I still have a softness in my heart for paper books, I’d love to have one, and read the extra chapter too!

  181. I would love a signed copy of your book. Thanks for a fun offer.


  182. My favorite story in the book is the squirrel in the cracker box. Or maybe the turkeys. Or maybe how it makes me glad that my parents stuck to normal 1970s hobbies like macrame and decoupage.

  183. Truly elated to have stumbled upon and found my tribe – you make howl with laughter every day! Can’t ask for more than that. Thank you for being amazing and bat shit crazy. Can I have some glass cow eyeballs, please? I have the perfect vision for how to use them…

  184. I didn’t want to try, cause I thought I’ll never win, but then thought, have to try. Thanks for helping me when I want to crawl under a table (figuratively).

  185. I am currently drinking wine out of a T.A.R.D.I.S mug. It holds a lot of wine.

  186. I loved your book. Yes, I read it all ready. But would love to win it for a friend that could really stand to laugh so hard that an airplane full of people think she’s a crazy person…yes that was me, and I would love for it to be her as well. Also, apparently when I try to hold in my laughter, I look like I’m trying not to sneeze and cry at the same time, things I didn’t need to know about myself. I digress…
    Friend + hard times + depression + anxiety + divorce= really needing a “pick me up”

    (if it wins you over any, I can do taxidermy…mostly on birds, but that is what a biology degree teaches people now days)

  187. I laughed so hard I cried a couple of times reading this book. Also kept the hubby up by shaking the bed trying to silently laugh. I have pimped your book to all the family. I would sooooo love a UK copy of it:)
    Thanks for the fun
    Ruby Cichocki

  188. Please pick me and I’ll tell you all about the time that I had nothing to comment about other than the fact that my sister has my copy of your book and I totally could use one to read in a sexy female Doctor voice. Or maybe I’ll be Rose Tyler. Who knows. No pun intended… PICK ME!!!!!

  189. This is still my favorite book – I think I’ve read it 3 times in the last year. And given away about 7 copies of the book to friends (no one understands how much you laugh aloud when reading it … until they read it).

  190. Jenny, I love your blog so much, it really gives me a good laugh when I’m having a bad day. 🙂 I read your book in just a couple of days, and have passed it on to my conservative parents (who really loved it too!)

  191. I have two glass fish eyes. Both rejected from a burrfish patient who had lost one eye. We tried two difference sizes. First was too small, second too big. They used to live on my desk. Took a while for people to notice the eyes staring back at them. Favorite previous work keepsake.

  192. I bought your book for my sister for Christmas but forgot to read it before she took it with her when she left. And it didn’t have the extra chapter. So yeah, I want to win.

  193. Will you just LOOK at these shameless people (over 2000!!!!) who are unabashedly begging to get a copy of a book that I consider one of my absolute favorites!!
    I will NOT Join the myriad of lost and wandering souls and beg for a copy of my absolute favorite book
    – I will simply state the truth – I Want to read the extra chapter that you’ve included – puh-leeze!!!!!
    I will love you forever and ever if you accidentally pick me to be a winner …. AND….

    I will love you forever and ever if you do not pick me to be a winner – my love does not waver – Ask Harper Lee – she’s been a favorite forever and ever and ever. Hugs!!!


  194. Given that I’ve put my queen-size bed on lifts, I’m fairly certain I could store several bodies under there for as long as I could stand the smell.

    My favorite thing to do with your book is give it out as a gift, and I know just who I would give this copy to, were I a lucky winner!

  195. Hoping that the new chapter includes unicorns french kissing, but not sure the Brits would allow that. Anyway, would love to win a copy of your incredibly awesome book!

  196. I would love to have a box of vintage glass eyeballs to turn into yard art. Can’t you just imagine a whole family of cow-eyed garden gnomes? If I can’t have the eyes I guess one of your books would be a nice second place. 🙂

  197. My dad has a glass eye, but he didn’t get it until he was in his fifties. He was told to replace it in 20ish years? So that would be 2 in his lifetime… but let’s say you have some weird fishing accident in your 20’s, so that would be four. And if you have one put in at birth, that would be what, 5? Hmmm.

  198. This book sounds like the story of my life. Things that have unfortunately happened to me:
    1. Have had multiple people that don’t know each other make comments along the lines of, “If I didn’t know you were so smart, I’d think you were mentally disabled.”
    2. Have run over my own leg with an ATV.
    3. Have been taken home drunkenly from a neighborhood block party in a wheelbarrow.
    4. Have ripped the butt of my pants at the office so that my left butt cheek was showing.
    5. Gave myself a concussion getting into my car in my garage.
    6. Took ACT test unaware there were panties static clung to the ankle of my pants.
    7. Dropped my keys in between the center console of my car and driver’s seat, then proceeded to get my hand stuck for ten minutes trying to reach them.
    8. Have locked my baby in my car several times (locksmiths come to you first and usually don’t charge you).
    9. Used the shelf bra in my camisole as a pocket to throw my keys in, then forgot where I put my keys and walked around shopping for two hours looking like I had a mutant third nipple.

  199. I would love to add this to my collection of books. I have the Kindle edition and paperback 🙂

  200. Would love an autographed copy of your book…winner, winner, chicken dinner. 🙂

  201. Oh, me! I’m too cheap to buy one and the reserve line at the Library is insane! (…as in, there are 2 people before me).

  202. Can you fucking believe these comments?

    I was interviewed by CNN on Monday. I do this shit all of the time. No one pays me. So a free book would be tits.

  203. Would love to win a copy so that I don’t have to steal one from the library. I love all of your pictures of Hunter S Thomcat.

  204. I love my hard copy of your book (and I have recommended it to several people), I would love to win the paperback with the extra chapter!

  205. My daughter refuses to return my copy of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.” We laughed until we peed. I let her take my copy home. That was months ago.

  206. You know, I think the glass cow eyeballs could come in handy. If you take them and put them in a vase, that would definitely be an eye catcher, conversation maker. Think about it. It would really be something!

  207. I’ve been following this blog for a while now… I don’t even know how I first got here, but I know that when I found it I thought it was ***AWESOME***. So much so I went through every post before the one I landed on and couldn’t rest until I’d read them all and I since feel bad if I miss more than a few in a row. I’m a little sorry I don’t look at twitter (where I follow you) very often because if I stop missing out on twitter I start missing out on life and I had to make a big decision not to venture there so often. I’m not even ashamed to admit a slight obsessive-compulsive personality that makes me check on a strange stranger I know a-bit-too-much about (about as much as a bad stalker might know, I figure) because this is the blog where that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Thank you, Jenny. I would be thrilled to have an autographed copy of your book.

  208. Pinkie toe, Gertrude and Unna, one set of eyeballs per five years. Unless we are talking the cow eyeballs – in which case endless eyeballs.

  209. I read your blog everynight before I go to sleep. Most nights I fall asleep smiling but some nights I have horrible nightmares about cow eyeballs, french kissing unicorns or whatever curiosity your mind comes up with. Thanks for the smiles. Not the eyeball nightmares.

  210. Are those vintage glass eyeballs for cows, or glass eyeballs for vintage cows? ~Enquiring minds want to know.~

  211. Over 2000 comments… will you even make it this far down the list Jenny? Or will you start from the bottom? The middle?

    I name vehicles. My car is named Patience. Patience has ants in her pants and likes to go super fast- no lie.

    While I was looking at Patience at the car lot I asked the salesman how many bodies would fit in the trunk. He stopped talking for the first time since he’d walked up to me. After that he was doing a lotta blinking. I popped the trunk and whistled.
    It was time for a test drive- because I could see that 6 bodies would fit nicely in there.
    When I took her for the test drive on the freeway the salesman was holding onto the sides of his seat. Cars that can make men drool or be quiet while I drive are my favorite kind of cars. My mechanic still drools when I take her in for a check up.
    And… Patience helped save my husband’s life, but I’ll stop here. She’s a cool beauty.
    I would love to have an autographed copy of your book- who wouldn’t?
    Honestly, I am just happy you are here 🙂

  212. Mice dipped in cheese do NOT taste like chicken. Random? Certainly!

  213. Depression & anxiety is a bitch. Also? Chronic constipation. I suffer every day. Sorry for the TMI.

  214. I had a Jenny Moment today, check it out:
    Oh dear. Apparently I have upset someone enough that they felt the need to graffiti the following message for all to see: ” Mrs. Cavanaugh is a asshole. P.S. Fuck you.” This tells me two things: 1. I need to review proper titles as I am a “Ms.” not a “Mrs.” And 2. I need to review articles. It should be “an asshole.” GEEZ! Also, what you can’t see is I am also called a “birch.” So 3. Work on spelling.
    Mrs. A. Birch

  215. Again, I am number 2064. But, happy to be in the tribe. Actually, you can use glass cow eyes to make large santa dolls. But, I have to wonder, how many cows need glass eyeballs. I think someone should look into why cows are losing their eyes.

    That said, I would LOVE a copy of your book

  216. Favorite Toe: Left Big toe, because it can bend at a 90 degree angle and it is the least a**hole of all my toes

    Pet Names for Body Parts: Left Big Toe – “Least A**hole of All My Toes”. aka LAOAMT

    Glass eyeballs I think a normal person uses in a lifetime: 5

    # of Bodies I can fit under my bed: Average sized males aprx 10

    Totally up to me: Sometimes people think I am you and that makes me happy.

  217. I know a woman with a glass eyeball! She likes to leave it sitting in odd places around the house to freak her family out. If you are invited for lunch, inspect your salad and mashed potatoes!

  218. My boyfriend and I call my boobs ‘muffins’, is that a good pet name for them?

  219. I laughed out loud so much reading this book, now my 11 year old son wants to read it. Would that be inappropriate? 😉

  220. So far I have only used 3 glass eyeballs, but I am only in my mid 40s so there is plenty of time for more.

  221. Pick me pick me! I’m re-reading your book from start to finish. It’s only the second time, but I’ve lent it out to about 3 people and have just got it back. Number of bodies under the bed? Human bodies would probably be 3. Perhaps a little more or less depending on the size and weight. Normal glass eyeballs. 1 for sure, but probably 2. Let’s be honest, if I’m getting 1 glass eyeball, I’m also getting a spare one for when I break the first one by throwing it in the air or from pretending to be Mad-Eye. It should be everyone’s goal to have at least 1 glass eyeball though.

  222. Are you sure you don’t have any glass eyeballs to give away? Because that would be wicked cool!

  223. My cat Ruby hides every time she sees weeping angels and my other cat Teddy perks up and looks for the Tardis when he hears my ringtone.

  224. I have a king sized bed so I’m guessing I could fit about 8 bodies under it… although the smell would be awful, and I like a neat bedroom so all the feet hanging out from under the bed would bother me. Also, I’m guessing you could find a use for a whole box of glass cow eyeballs. Vase filler maybe?

  225. my favorite toes are the webbed ones i have on both feet although it makes the wearing of toe rings a bitch.

  226. I need to win to cap off a fabulous week wherein my unemployed husband finally landed work! Plus, I love you, and I really think you love me, too, so that’s why I should win. 🙂

  227. I think maybe Paige (comment 2070) should get a book. If I win one, please pass it along to her. My mom was a teacher for 30 years and I can tell you there is no way I’d have made it a tenth that time without a felony conviction.

  228. Please oh please give a book and some eyeballs to:

    kayte May 1, 2013 at 1:38 pm comment 710

    I blew iced tea out my nose when I read that comment.

  229. This book made me cry (for real) and then laugh aloud (both shockingly anti-British) on consecutive NYC subway rides. It is now the Bible of my law office, to be shared when someone needs to do either one of those things or implode. Autographed copy or not, I am so glad that it exists. Co

  230. I thought I cut off my toe today. I dropped a knife onto my foot and cut my toe. I seriously thought I lost the toe there was so much blood.

  231. Most people would probably only use two glass cow eyes in their lifetime, a normal pair, just to freak people out with. But, since I’m not most people, I have to admit that I have used many more times that.

    Actually, in the last 4 years, I have used a minimum of 102 eyes, many of them glass. I don’t keep count, and they aren’t cow eyes, they are made to look like human eyes. I currently have exactly 32 more glass eyes in a drawer right here in my desk. I put them in my babies’ heads (don’t worry, they are dolls, though they do freak people out when I bake the baby because they look real).


  232. I hope I win. If it’s not random and you’re awarding copies to those who have witty comments, then I may as well just go ahead and get “Loser” tattooed on my forehead.

  233. I have a cat named Henree. He’s black and white splotches. I want to get him a bow tie (because they’re cool off course) but I don’t know what color. I like then from Oskar and Klaus website, but what goes with black and white?

    I also have a tortie named Fox. But she’d eat me in my sleep if I put a note tire on her.

    Ps- I’m not a crazy cat lady.

    Pps- my husband says two is enough. If I didn’t have a husband I’d be a cat lady.

  234. My cat is, finally, part of my Dulles-Frankfurt reservation, yay! It only took 5 separate calls to the airlines and two visits to the travel agent, huzzah! Because I know you’re wondering, no, my cat does not have a glass eyeball.

  235. I wish I could win a signed book. Actually I wish I could have made it to one of your book signing so I could meet you and get a signed book. If you ever make it to DC I will drop everything to be there!

  236. Fun fact: I am legally blind in one eye. I could actually legitimately use a monocle. But I don’t because getting a prescription one is stupid expensive and I don’t have that kind of money. I wish I did, because then I could out-steampunk all the steampunk people, because how many of them have a prescription monocle? I’m willing to bet my not blind eye that there aren’t many. Instead, I wear regular glasses, except the lens over my good eye is literally just a piece of glass. I should probably name my off eye, but I don’t even know where to begin with potential names. Second Eye Blind? Real-Life Left Eye? So many options!!

  237. I don’t know how many glass eyeballs the average person should have on hand. However, I have long been collecting a Big Bowl of Neat Stuff to plop into the lap of anyone requiring diversion: Netsuke and interesting seashells and other small objects that need to be picked up and examined. There should be at *least* three or four glass eyeballs representing different species in there.

    (And I already bought the U.S. hardback edition of your book but would like to read the extra paperback chapter.)

  238. I can’t bear to watch anymore violent TV shows unless it’s Dexter or about vampires. That’s my current Truth.

  239. Could you sign the copy of your book I already own? Or I guess I could give that one to some lucky person and keep the shiny new one…

  240. Your blog & book has made me laugh more than I ever have, and I love you for it!! I really hope you come to the DC metro area so I can meet you in real life :’) You are so amazing for doing this for people…hope you write another book soon!! HUGS & Lots of LOVE!!

  241. My favorite toe is the little one. I call it Jo Jo because it is redundant and unnecessary.

  242. I could probably fit one less body part under my bed than I needed to

  243. Considering the shittastic day I’ve had, winning a good book would be even better than french kissing a unicorn.

  244. My favorite toe is my second because it is longer than the first. Determined to be the best that toe. I have no nicknames for my body parts, so the hubby and I should get on that. I would say 17 glass eyeballs per lifetime, unless you like to gift them then 717. And rough estimate on bodies I go with 17 again because because.

  245. New to the tribe. I love reading your blog, and would love a book! Ps, I keep a jar full of glass cow eyes next to my jar containing The Doctor’s hand…

  246. I love reading your blog. You make me laugh alot. I love the twitter you posted today too. 😉 By the way I have glass eyeballs for everyday of the week and special ones for holidays. 😀 LOL!!

  247. I’m worried that I don’t have a favorite toe. Are they feeling unappreciated? i

  248. Your book, lent away, twice or thrice returned, found a new home with someone now; I cannot remember who… Alas, I just offered to lend it away again, but the cupboard was bare. Loved it, quote it, ruminate on Jenkins the turkey, poor dear. He was only misunderstood, aren’t we all?

  249. There was teacher in my middle schoolwho tricked her students into thinking she had a glass eye..

    In other news it was my birthday yesterday 🙂

  250. I love your site!! I have all my coworkers hooked on your site. All of us read yout book we all loved it!

  251. When I bought my freezer 29 years ago, the salesman told me it would fit 3 bodies. I’m still trying to fill it….with groceries. Definitely not bodies. Unless ground meat and steaks count…

  252. This is my tribe. You’ve made me see that I’m worth something. My Mom has even commented about how much she thanks you for the changes in me.

    But I don’t need another copy. I have three. Hardcover (signed in Chicago, then I came the second day in my red dress just to show that I could), Paperback (Napertucky – that place is weird), and the first one I bought, my Nookbook because I couldn’t wait for the paperback.

    Give it to someone else if you draw my number, but know that I thank you so much. I’m not sure I’d be here if it weren’t for you. Thank you, Jenny. <3

  253. Okay, I’m going to bring the sad. I bought your book on e-Reader. I’ve moved from my old school to a new teaching job and your book helped me find my feet in my new staff. Then, last week, one of my favorite former students killed herself. Her best friend is struggling to see the light for the darkness. I keep telling her that depression lies. I think she needs to read your book. I’d love to pass this on to her with a red dress. Help me out?

  254. Your dad is my dad’s taxidermist. I’m not kidding. My family lives in San Angelo. That makes us kind of like family, so I hope I can get an autographed copy of your book.

  255. My cats are names Eve, Autumn, Dinah, and Dexter (in order of coming home). I didn’t notice that Autumn and Eve sound like Adam and Eve but I decided I like it. It reminds me of that silly Adam and Steve anti-marriage equality nonsense. Eve just seemed like a simple, sweet name. Autumn came pre-named but I liked it. Dinah was originally Magenta, but she isn’t a Rocky Horror kind of cat. I decided she an Alice in Wonderland kind of cat. Dexter was originally named Noodles. The boy has a big belly, but I like Dexter better!

  256. My husband might disown me if I got another book, and there are already over 2000 comments but … I wanted a chance to share my pet name for my belly button 😉 His name is Pete and he is a space pirate. After my son was born I told my husband that we had to name his belly button Pete Jr. since they used to be connected. And he agreed. We might be a little weird but at least we have each other. (Our poor son and Pete Jr., they never had a chance …)

  257. Somewhere on YouTube, there is a video of a cat dressed like a shark, riding on a Roomba, chasing a duck.


  258. so when I got my copy of the book, I got one for my sister as well. It may well have been the first time ever that she’s made a point of calling again after actually using/reading a present to say how awesome it was. Love this tribe!

  259. you are awesomely hysterical…I so needed this book…loved it and it made me laugh harder than anything I have ever written…would love to own a copy and read it in a british accent!

  260. So, I’ve been really stressed recently and I don’t think my body can take being put on ANOTHER brain chemistry altering drug, so getting a free copy of your book would probably be just as effective at this point. So, I would like to calmly request one of these books with an extra chapter-that-wasn’t-in-the-kindle-version-I-ordered-when-it-came-out-and-I-wish-I-knew-what-was-in-that-chapter. PLEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASE?!?!?!?

  261. I was raised by velociraptors and survived. This was quite a feat since they tend to eat their young. If I should happen to win, should you please autograph the book on page 88? Some people think I have had a lifetime of good luck surviving the velociraptors and don’t deserve to win a book, too. Surviving was a great thing but my self esteem has suffered tremendously. I find the blue color quite soothing. I do know how to read (no one is writing this for me.) If I win I will take a Greyhound Bus ride somewhere and read your book aloud to the captive audience.

  262. How many bodies can I fit under my bed? Depends on whether they are pureed or frapped.

  263. My least favorite toe is my pinky toe on my right foot because it is twisted!

  264. I had a dream that I left a comment on your blog and called you the wrong name. For some reason this was not only embarrassing, but also caused me to be in some kind of danger. The weird part? I called you Tara. That’s my name.

  265. I can’t fit any bodies under my bed due to the massive amount of cat toys my tabby Mayhem has stashed there. If I could safety remove the catnip balls, feathers and crunchy tube without losing my face, I would be happy to loan you the space under my bed for a body.

  266. aside from the fact that i LOVE this book and would love a copy of it, can i get a glass eyeball too (or do we not get one of those)… if not, damn, that sucks… i mean, i still want the book – yay – but, awww about the glass eyeball…

  267. Thanks for writing! Reading your blog is one of the best parts of my day! You also unknowingly helped me through some rough times. OH! And I see Beyonces everywhere! I’ve been meaning to send you a picture of a Beyonce I saw in Door County, WI.

    Congrats on the UK copy of your book!

  268. I would love to tell you about how fantastic it would be to win a copy of your spiffy looking UK edition of your book ( it’d go right next to my US copy), but I’m a bit busy trying to convert my cupboard under the stairs into an adequate room to house David Tennant and Matthew Grey Gubler once I figure out the best way to go about kidnapping the two. So far, I’m thinking I might just invite the two over for tea and a Golden Girls marathon. Maybe stage a zombie apocalypse to make them stay? Start an actual zombie apocalypse? I think it might work. What do you think?… Maybe I should go back to the drawing board?

    P.S. I’d love a copy of your book!

  269. My brother-in-law is an optometrist… he collects glass eyes. True story.

  270. Awesome! Would love a copy…. especially a posh, British copy. What makes it different, do you think? In other news, I was just contemplating writing “STOP COMPLAINING” on the back of my hand as a reminder.

  271. Well if they were truly glass eyeballs, being that I like to play with sharp objects in my spare time, I would be creating artwork with them. Kaleidoscopes with an eyeball on the end (dependent clarity) surely wouldn’t freak anyone out too much right?? Or a large metal sea creature with numerous eyes protruding from the yard, could be managed one would think. All one would truly need would be a little creative ability, blow torch, soldering iron, lead and a little glass. Through the neighbors are kind of noisy I think they would kind of get the hint pretty quickly that there is less coming out then there is going in. It also helps that the “fam” is from Wisconsin and has been building a great back story about family associations to for years. Just saying

  272. I should totally win because I just found out I’m PREGNANT with Baby #2!!! I’ll need some kickass reading material for my fat butt in the near future. Or just a book to beat Child #1 with in order to keep my sanity. Totally kidding about the beating part….unless of course you think it will help. 😉

  273. Today our pet Luigi, the plecostamus(“Woah-pot-a-must” as the 4 year old called him), died!!!! I had to explain that fish do not normally live as long as their owners. After suggesting we get a replacement, the 6 yr old misheard “We were putting the fish in the basement!”…and that started a panic before leaving for school, that included tears. More tears then were shed for the dead fish!!

  274. Honey, you are a worldwide phenom. My friend who lives in Australia turned me onto your blog, which is sad because I live in Texas and come from Houston! Congrats, sweetie on all your blessings.

  275. I decided today that my boss is an evil version of Elmo. If Elmo had a not-evil version. I would love a copy of your British book.

  276. I have been a tribe “member” since your original “Beyonce the Chicken” post… And you have thankfully kept, me entertained ever since… I can always count on your posts to randomly make me laugh out loud. Now for not as interesting news…
    Not sure if my long toe is my fave or my short toe!
    I don’t name my body parts except for “Sparky”… He is my pacemaker that I have had for 10 years and since he is implanted in my body, he is a part of me… so I named him… Ya know… Like a cat, a dog or a car. I figured that Sparky was a very fitting name…
    No glass eyeballs here…
    If you are ever in the Hampton Roads area… Chesapeake/ VA Beach… I’d love to have ya over and we can scope out a good place for a Beyonce of my own… We have over 3 acres, so a Beyonce is NEEDED!

  277. How many glass eyes would one need to own to bring to the average glass eyeballs per person up to one?

  278. Bok Choy flamingo water scooter elephant

    You did say “anything,” right?

  279. The space under my bed is fairly large…I could probably fit a lot of dead bodies under there. But I don’t think I could sleep with the smell!

  280. I can’t wait to read it your book (but I have to get through the semester first…)

  281. This would be an awesome birthday present for me! (which btw is on Saturday)

  282. That unicorn-woman make-out session on Twitter was just strange.

  283. I need the new cover, I already have the other on my hardback version. And yeah, I know it’s a bit OCD, but seriously, can I specifically order the paperback with this cover? It will make me so happy that I might be able to go for literally days without wanting to kill anyone!

  284. My right areola is growing eyelashes. That’s normal, right? I’m hoping that’s in the new chapter.

  285. I would love a copy! I’m from Texas, too, so does that give me bonus points? I’m from near San Angelo, if that helps at all. 😉

  286. My cat’s name is Tiny Cat and she’s my cross-eyed little derposaurus.

  287. I adore this book. I adore your blog. I also adore owls that wear top hats and monocles (random bit there)!

  288. One of my co-workers was out with her boyfriend this Sunday when they discovered a fox den. One of the baby foxes had been hit by a car and had died. After watching for awhile, the boyfriend picked up the dead baby fox and put it on the roof of the car so he could get it stuffed. (sidenote: This will take 10 months [waiting list?] and cost ~$450!) My co-worker is horrified that this stuffed fox will now be residing in her house for the rest of her life. I introduced her to your blog and now she plans on dressing up the fox to make it less (?) creepy. Everyone is a winner! (The last statement will really be true if I’m randomly chosen to win an autographed book!)

  289. In 6th grade, I had a friend spending the night. Well, my mom was a teacher, so we stayed late with her that afternoon. For a fun start-the-sleep-over activity, we went to the science teacher across the hall and she let us dissect a REAL cow eyeball. It was cool in the way that 6th grade kids think dead cow eyeballs are cool. We took the lens home and put it in a little cup of jelly, you know, to keep it moist.

  290. I’d love a copy of the book, but the eyeballs would be way cooler!

  291. So, we just moved to Texas from Wisconsin, we’ve noticed our dog’s poop keeps disappearing. We’re trying to be responsible and pick it up, but there’s none to be found. My husband says it must be dung beetles, but I suspect one of our neighbors is climbing over the fence at night and stealing it. Or maybe the weather change shifted something in his system and it really is disappearing poo.

  292. If you really do ever get a box of glass cow eyeballs you should autograph them for a giveaway. Or give them out as a special limited edition surprise with your next book…like Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket, but with eyeballs instead of chocolate

  293. When I was in the 1st grade, a boy in my class had a glass eye. Nobody really knew what was up with it; he just had one eye that looked funny. UNTIL one day when it just popped out. Yeah, I know, right? So he opens the empty socket – I can still see it vividly 40 years removed from it. The glass eye was just rolling on his desk, and I guess the teacher must have told him to put it back in (wth?), so he puts it in HIS MOUTH to clean it off (?) and then popped it back in the socket. I was freaked out about that kid forever after.

  294. Comment on anything? Ok, here goes.
    So the Washington Post Newspaper just ran this really interesting article on Jamestown, the second settlement in the New World. (The Roanoke or Lost Colony being first, Plymouth 3rd) (<<<freebie American History reminder).
    So, there were some remains recently discovered in the Fort in an archeological dig. Human remains. Of a 14 year old girl. And they show some interesting signs of, ummm, cannibalism. Yes, you read that right. Cannibalism. Forensic anthropologists at the Smithsonian did some really interesting research and have some compelling scientific evidence to show it. CSI has nothing on real life. and death. And they also have her picture. Because there was enough of her skull left over that with computer imaging and some really good guesswork based on historical data, they made a replica of what she would have looked like. Before the Time of Starving when 80% of the colonist died.
    read the article and see the photo here-

    and then read the comments. there are over 2k right now. that's the kind of number usually seen on some kind of political article. the comments are both candid and outrageous, funny and juvenile, and i can't stop reading them. Poor taste (YES, i went there), morbid, and mesmerizing.

  295. I currently have something of a “trick toe”. I seem to have given myself a case of turf toe back in January while training for a half marathon. Got it nearly well after several weeks, and I’ll be darned if I didn’t slip getting into the shower, stub it and sprain it again. Now it randomly makes a really loud popping/cracking noise.

    You haven’t lived until you’ve been sitting in a meeting in your lovely, stylish sandals on one of the first warm days of spring, wiggle your big toe and have it unexpectedly emit a crack like a shotgun going off. I almost expected people to dive under the desk.

  296. There was a kid in one of my high school classes who had a glass eye. Only none of us knew that at first. One day we all had to do a short paper on something important to us, and if possible bring the item in, kind of a high-school version of show-and-tell. So my classmate walks up to the front of the room, holding his paper, turns to us… AND PULLS HIS EYEBALL OUT OF THE SOCKET. A second later he says “I wrote about my glass eye…”

    I’m pretty sure most of us almost had heart attacks, but it was pretty amazing.

  297. There is a giant fly buzzing about my bedroom and it is deeply annoying. Please give me your book.

  298. want! 🙂
    please? :::pout:::
    this would help me feel just a little less stabby after a “we have let our bodies get a little out of control. we are chubby motherf***ers with chubby cats” comment yesterday which clearly meant (replace every “we” with “you”) yesterday.
    me winning a book + less stabby = everybody wins!

    it’d be totes mcgotes sweet to have a “cousin from across the pond” version of the paperback under my roof.

    thanks muchly!

  299. I love everything about you! I hope I win! But not in some cosmic way in which I win this and that means I don’t win the lottery, because let’s face it — if i won the lottery I could buy your book, fly to your house and bribe you to sign it for me.

  300. Just curious but why did the cover change for the UK release? And another question… when you are in a room socializing with others with anxiety disorder, do you feel normal?

    (Not really sure about the answer to the first question. On the second, I never feel normal, but it’s nice to be around people who understand. ~ Jenny)

  301. Considering that my one cat has torn her way into (yes, INTO) the boxspring from the underside and goes scratching around in there, I would be less likely to rely on the space under the bed for my dead body storage. Dunno where else I would put them, though.

  302. So I found a stuffed rooster at our local antique shop a couple of weeks ago. Actually, my husband found it, because he’s much taller than me, so it was nearly at eye level for him. At least, the wicked sharp claws were at eye level for him. He successfully navigated past the claws, nudged me, and said, “Hey look, it’s a stuffed rooster. We should send that to the Bloggess.” So I took a picture of it, and now I just have to get it off my phone and send it to you. The picture, I mean. Not the actual rooster. That shit was $200, and while I love you, I think we need 200 smackaroos more than the rooster needs a home.

  303. Why couldn’t the American books have awesome font like that?!

  304. Free cow eyeball?? Free book?? Either way it sounds like a win-win situation. I’m in college so free anything is ALWAYS a win. Plus I’d just love a copy of your book. Or cow eyeballs. Really both are pretty awesome.

  305. I wrote and award winning comment, then pretended that it never happened, and then, poof, it did never happen. Now, I feel all time travelly and in the mood to coin words.

  306. So, I’m not positive that this is a good thing, but I’m slowly introducing my future husband to your blog. I’m trying to convince him that I’m as awesome as you are.

  307. When I was a junior in highschool I had my pubes shaped into a heart and dyed pink. Just thought you might giggle at this.

  308. So my mom started this tradition of getting books autographed for my daughter, which is cute and everything, but also bizarre because not only is a little girl not particularly interested in reading a politicians views on the current economic state, but by the time it might be relevant to her interests it will be chronologically irrelevant unless she becomes a niche historian focusing on the years of her birth. But I wouldn’t give this book to my daughter if I won, because I’m selfish and like having things that are mine. I’ll let her read it when she’s slightly older than four. And maybe when I die it will go into her bizarre collection of autographed books. (A memoir about the Tuskegee airmen? That SCREAMS four-year-old to me, mom. Yes.)

  309. My best friend named her most recent rescue dog ‘Beyonce the Giant Metal Chicken’. And I’d love to win a copy of your book. Fact.

  310. I am a teacher, and I thought I would comment on my favorite children’s book of ALL time! Safety Can Be Fun by Munro Leaf. Seriously, check it out…Read-alouds will never be the same……unless I got a copy of your book….hint hint

  311. Usually I read all of the posts; 2350, I think not!

    As much as I would love a copy, I think they should go to addresses the British Isles. They have a harder time seeing you in person (I am in SATX, so I’m not trying to skew the odds)

  312. I would love to own a copy of your book. I borrowed it from the library the first time and would love to read it again and be a proud owner of the book:)

  313. Wow! That’s a lot of comments! I’ll throw my hat in the pool too!
    I am in assisted living and one of my caregivers named “the girls” Laverne & Shirley. Ok, why not?

  314. It’s funny you mentioned toes. My husband snores every night, so I leave my toenails kind of sharp. When he snores, I scratch him and he violently wakes up thinking he is getting attacked by a cat.

    I pretend I’m sleeping….

  315. HI JENNY!!!!!
    Ok, now that I have your attention….
    Love both covers (Hamlet is cute)!
    This cover looks so artsy!
    It would be great if I could use the extra chapter for my English culminating project… (I borrowed the hard copy from my library) (And we’ve already discussed this before by email).

    PEACE OUT!!!!

  316. I like the book cover!

    You mentioned toes. I call my pinky toes “afterthought toes” because they are ridiculously small. They practically hide under the toe next to them. I think they are shy.

  317. 17 purples. And for sure, eleventy-nine burtle beetle thoraxes (thoraces?) Dammit, what is the plural form of thorax? And then fur of the peanut butter melted in the pan with two slices of bread and a chocolate drizzle. Did I just have a stroke? Oh no. I just want the book. Comment, comment, comment…..and scene.

  318. My two older daughters spent the better part of two weeks searching for a Beyonce for my birthday, sadly they had no luck. Even sadder, they didn’t even think to buy me your book which I ASKED for!! Sigh!!!!

  319. I broke my middle toe nearly two months ago and the freaking thing still hurts! It didn’t get broken because I was attacked by a giant metal chicken or a fake cow eyeball or anything interesting. I’m just clumsy and smacked it on a wrought iron post as I was going down the stairs and trying not to trip over my meowing overweight cat who wanted me to feed him. Sometimes I think we should replace that wrought iron stair railing with one made from foam rubber which would probably be stupid but at least it wouldn’t hurt when I bang my knees or my toes on it.

  320. If I moved the guitars I could probably fit 3 bodies under my bed.

  321. No glass eyeballs but when I was a little girl my best friend & her older sister peeled two grapes & when I came over my BFF told me her sister was dead & showed me the grapes & convinced me they were her eyeballs!!!!! I was such a dramatic, gullible child!!!!

  322. I don’t have anything funny to say but I would love to win your book! I am kind of sad it won’t have the dead mouse on the front though… 🙂

  323. Love this blog. Love the book. Love the support this crew gives each other. Love the snark.

  324. Please tell me exactly WHY the UK cover is so much more awesome than the Cmerican/Canadian version?

    Also my favourite toe is my middle toe. It(they… forgot i had two.. duh two feet) never ever gives me problems, ever. My pinky toe and my second toe(the one beside the big toe) are my least favourite toes. Just in case you were wondering….

    Maybe you should make another country version of the cover and put a glass eyeball on the cover.

    Also you should pimp out all your credit cards so theyre all sparkly then whenever you buy a dead animal carcass off of ebay it will be a magical rainbow of excitement… well more so than before.

    Also you should get another dog.