Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Today I got a box filled with vintage glass cow eyeballs.  Except replace “vintage glass cow eyeballs” with “new copies of the UK version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened“.

They’re very similar in that they are both fairly baffling and people can’t help but pick them up and wonder at them.  And also, you don’t actually need a whole box of them.  At most you can only use a dozen glass cow eyeballs and then the rest just go to waste.  Ditto with a giant box of books.  That’s why I’m giving away several here this week (autographed books, not eyeballs).  All you have to do is leave a comment and you’re entered to win.

This copy includes the new chapter, which you might possibly be in. Please don't sue me.

What should you comment about?  Anything.  Your favorite toe.  The pet names of your body parts.  How many glass eyeballs you think a normal person uses in a lifetime.  The number of bodies you can fit under your bed.  It’s totally up to you.

Also, for some strange reason this bewildering memoir is still on the Indie Bestseller lists and the NYT bestseller list and I’m still getting emails from people who had never even heard of this blog but who stumbled over the book and are so thankful that they’ve finally found their tribe.  Thank you for being that tribe.  And thank you for letting me be a part of it.

4,084 thoughts on “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened. Unless you win. Then it totally happened.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. As soon as my toddler gives me 5 minutes to read a book that isn’t about shapes or going to bed, I will be all over this one!

  2. OMG, I am totally going to be in the UK, like, tomorrow. I can buy it there! Exciting! Then I can finally read the last chapter because the last post you made about the new chapter I totally promised to order it and then life-event-adventure fairies came and distracted me and “encouraged” me to take leave without pay from my job so that I can become a yoga teacher and finally travel to Ireland so I clearly was completely bedazzled by life-event-adventure fairies and travelling and so I didn’t actually order it but now I can make it up *and* get to travel – win-win-win! (Note: There are three wins because I will still, in the end, gift the book to my friend who I think needs to read it; your sales numbers go up in the UK *and* I get to read the new chapter and pee myself laughing in another country, which I’m sure will go over smashingly).

  3. Is there still time to comment to win a book?! I’m a little late on this one… It’s probably a random drawing, so no matter what I write here I have an equal chance of winning (if I’m not too late), BUT just in case you read all the comment and choose a comment you like, I just want you to know that when I emailed you a while ago, I never expecte you to get a glance to read it (you’re a busy woman) but I REALLY REALLY never expected you to reply… And when you did? Well, I screamed like a little girl and went running around the house chanting “Jenny emailed me back!!!” And my girlfriend was all “OMFG WHAT DID SHE SAY?!!!” And I was all “she said I rock… My life is complete.” And well that’s good enough for me. So I guess I don’t need to win a book, but its always fun to win something. 😀

  4. I need something to look forward to- please pick me.

  5. To this day my mother makes fun of me for a reoccuring nightmare I had when I was a kid. I dreamed that some mystical evil moved into my friends house, and we tried to outsmart it and escape, but in the end we would all line up and have our head sucked off by a volcano. Reoccuring versions had the volcano replaced by a circus cannon, but we would still line up to die.
    Seriously, my mother brought up the dream a week ago. And she wonders why I don’t tell her deep, personal things.

  6. I rescued a three-legged cat and named her ilean- shes awesome- and I would also love a copy of the book, shit ill read it to her if that helps me get one 🙂

  7. We can only hope that Baroness Thatcher got her signed copy and glass cow eyeballs before…

    Do you mention her in the new chapter?

    Is that why she…

    Jenny?

  8. I’m hoping owning an autographed copy of your book will catapult me into popularity.

  9. Your book gave me so many belly laughs at a time when I think I needed it the most. I had a hard time after my son was born last July. Reading your book helped to take my mind off of the struggle that I was going through. I’m happy to say my baby boy is now 9 months old and the most joyful thing in my life.

  10. Hello Madam Bloggess ( I would just use Jenny because I feel I know so much about you from your postings and book in a non-stalker like way… however it still feels weird)

    Today is my birthday (however I am actually a triplet and the day has never just been about me) and for our family fun activities tonight my mother thought it would be a great idea to have a biore nose strip competition to see who has the most black heads. We (my brothers and I) turned 22 today and my mother made us ALL participant.

    and owning a copy of your book that I could randomly reread would make my family seem less bizarre.

  11. Not a chance in hell I’m reading through 4011 comments to see if this has been said, but your image on the dustcover has a very Terry Gilliam / Monty Python-illustration sort of vibe to it. Just figured I’d pass that on, since you seem to be the living embodiment of ‘and now for something completely different’…

  12. Philtrum-body part under the nose but above the upper lip. You’re welcome for your useless fact of the day. Besides providing you with a free biology lesson, I think I should win because I know you don’t want to come out to Lubbock to autograph my copy of your amazing book. Ps. I’m going out of town in a few months and would appreciate a squel to read on the plane (get workin’) ps congrats on all of your success

  13. I have to admit, I have been tempted to buy the new version just for the last chapter. I have not done it yet, though.

  14. My comment is an anecdote that I think you might enjoy of a friend of mine’s low point in parenting. (She has four (4) boys aged 11, 8, 8, and 5. That ought to set the stage for ya.) Here goes: Having just consumed a stick of butter for dinner (after refusing all other offers), her youngest asked for dessert. My friend was so beat down by life, and her children, that her response began, “Since you did such a good job on your butter…”

  15. is this thing still on? i’m leaving you a sentence from the striped bass tagging paper i’m currently writing, because i bet no one else will do that and this tribe above all strives for originality (and surpasses all expectations, generally). “The internal anchor tag was inserted by removing a scale midway between the vent and distal tip of the depressed pelvic fins, and five to six scale rows dorsolaterally from the ventral mid-line.” Godspeed and thank you.

  16. Years ago I named my chest. Very few people have ever been told their names because I mainly refer to them as “The Ladies” Left: Dame Louise Right: Dame Riba
    Why yes, they are knighted. No, I’m not sure why they both have country names. I blame growing up in the country.

    I can fit at least two bodies under my bed if my cats Joker “Fat Butt Noisy Face” and Harley-Quinn “I’m plotting your death” are not sleeping under it.
    Also, When I was reading your book (borrowed from library after I begged them to buy copies) on my lunch break I laughed so hard I snorted Coke Zero through my nose with a few coworkers looking on. They now think I’m unhinged. Why it took them that long to notice I’m not quite sure….

  17. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your book!! I especially enjoy reading it around my girlfriend, who looks at me like I’m insane when I laugh out loud. In those moments I pretend I’m you, which is way more entertaining than talking to crazy people all day… Not like crazy people in my head or anything… I work with crazy people that actually do hear voices… Back to the point, LOVE your book!!!

  18. I’m afraid I have nothing of interest to post.
    BUT, I would like to mention that thanks to you, Wil and a few others (like my family), I have made it through my hypothyroid nightmare depression and am levelling out!!

    And, with the sun shining here, I just needed to thank you for being you! 😀

    also? I have never read your book (no money), but do plan on it if my library ever gets it. hehe

  19. I once knew of a girl who won a debate in high school. She did it by ignoring the subject altogether and just talking about how much cooler she was than everyone else there. It wasn’t me.

  20. Thank you for always being right there when I need you – you *always* make me smile! …and for often being there when I don’t (y’know, when I am trying to ‘get on with things’ and you’re being all funny and distracting and stuff!) 🙂

  21. My friend loaned me copy of the book. I enjoyed it so much, I bought a copy for my sister. Now I’d love to have an autographed copy of my very own!

  22. Is it too late to enter? I’m graduating from nursing school on May 17th. I hope. Anyway, I need something funny to read that isn’t a nursing book. <3

  23. I’ve got a story, but it’s not very interesting…however, I’d love to win!

  24. Beyonce is in my backyard right now beside a flying pig. You make me laugh out loud at work on crappy days!

  25. You can’t pick your best friend’s nose (without their permission… or unless they’re unconscious), but you can pick your nose, and you can pick me to win the signed book!!

  26. Shit. You mean you’re not signing glass eyeballs? I was really looking forward to that to. Way to ruin my week. Seriously.

    I would love the book. Mostly because it’s your book but also because it’s signed. And its different, well aesthetically anyway, than the book I just bought at the airport for like $19.95…$19.95!! Can you believe that? For a book? It’s like highway robbery only its at the airport so I guess its like skyline robbery?

    Also, who else of your many adoring tribe members has a name like “Dyneemo” and an email that suggests I might be a complete geek only on a very molecular level?

    You are amazing and you make me laugh. And the best thing in life, aside from family, is laughter. Thank you for that!

  27. I FINALLY STARTED WATCHING DOCTOR WHO (NEW WHO TO START OUT) AND I MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT UP ON ALL 7 SEASONS IN LESS THAN A MONTH

    I WATCHED TEN EPISODES IN ONE DAY ONCE
    IT WAS AWESOME

  28. wow. that’s a lot of comments so i’m never gonna win. my sob story is i loved your book so much that i lent it to someone i love who also loved it and lent it to someone, etc, and so on, and i now have no idea who has it, though if i could follow the chain i’d demand it back by threatening them with a chainsaw. basically, i’ve let a lot of people read it without buying it, so you probably won’t be pleased…

  29. Did you give them all away yet? I would love or would have loved a copy!! You are hilarious. Keep doing what you do.

  30. Hi Jenny!

    Longtime blog follower, first time commenter. On any internet thing. Ever. Even though I’m tech-savvy. I feel like this is a new chapter. That’s probably only interesting to me. I might be rambling already.

    Anyway, I would love a signed copy of your book. Does it help that I work for a Humane Animal Shelter saving kittens and puppies? Hunter S. Tomcat and I have been emailing back and forth and he said that was awesome and you would totally send me one of the books, so expectations have been set and you kinda have to send one to me now. If I helps, I told him that wasn’t cool and he probably couldn’t just give away your books for you, but he assured me you guys were tight and it was fine.

    Ok, what I said might not be entirely true. Hunter S. Tomcat and I have never actually spoken. You probably already know that because he’s much to busy doing cat things to be emailing with random people. Or because he’s a cat and doesn’t actually use the computer (besides laying on the keyboard when you’re trying to work. My cat does that to me a lot. It’s both adorable and frustrating). I just really wanted a copy of your book. I’m sorry. Mostly.

  31. I am supposed to be writing a paper for a class but you have distracted me with your talk of cow eyeballs.

    Considering that my bed is lofted, I would say that I’d be able to fit many dead bodies underneath it. At least 5. Might have to move my desk, and the room would probably start to smell, but that’s the price you pay for creative interior decorating.

    I hope I win. You’re super cool.

  32. The number of dead bodies I can hide under my bed? Four normal-sized humans, if I use the woodchipper…which calculates out to 32 super models.

  33. My favorite toe is the one that is a little bit longer than all the rest next to the big one that kind of freaks me out. I think it is supposed to be longer but I am never quite certain. Would love to win a copy of your book!

  34. I’ve been a Mrs. Robinson for the past 7 years, but that’s about to end: I get my PhD next week!

  35. I actually can’t fit ANY dead bodies under my bed… As the under of my bed is two rather small drawers. So unless I was very creative, which is a possibility, it would be quite difficult to fit even one in.
    I still haven’t gotten to finish your book, as the kindle I was reading it on is currently being borrowed.
    But that’s alright, because your blog is full of enough awesomesauce to last a long time.

  36. So here’s the thing, I usually read your blog at work (totally legit use of time) but some asshats this week wanted me to actually do work, so I’ve been busy. Thats why I’m days behind on commenting. Luckily for me, the internet knows I’m a moron and didn’t know bloggess had 2 g’s. (this shit is bookmarked at work, I don’t have to spell). but I made it here.
    Anyway, I would like this book because I get pissed when I pick up a romance book and they have fucking stupid british shit in them. So this way I can pretend to be all cultered and shit by having foreign literature.

  37. I wonder how many glass eyeballs a person could fit into their mouth… Like in Singing in the Rain when they teach the girl to try and talk with marbles in her mouth, but with glass eyeballs.
    It could be a thing. You never know.

  38. Enjoy the book and blog so much. you are the extra special sauce i’d order with every meal if i could (totally meant to be a compliment, although it sounds like i’m a canibal, which i’m not)

  39. I had a teacher in sixth grade who had a lazy eye, although I liked to think it was a robotic eye similar to what you would imagine the Million Dollar Man would have. The problem was, I was the talker in class, and unfortunately for me, with her lazy eye I could never tell if she was looking at me while I was chatting up my neighbor or just having her bad eye gazing blankly at our illustrated book reports posted on the opposite wall. I got detention a lot that year.

  40. Growing up, my mother called my vagina a “Suzy” or “Suzy Q”. Now I have a neighbor called Suzy and never invite her over for burgers…I’m afraid she’ll get ketchup on her face and I’ll lose my appetite.

  41. how many bodies can fit under my bed? that depends on if they are cut up or not… if not then one..maybe two? if you stuff them under there with force. cut up well i dont really know i haven’t had time to…uh never mind

  42. Well. Hmm. Hi? Oh wait, let me go take my prozac. GAH do not try to swallow medication with a gulp of tea, earl grey, VERY HOT. [wanders off, dancing to the song in her head (it’s the “don’t waste water” song from Sesame Street)]

  43. I SO want my mother to read this amazing book… but sadly I bought the audio book, so barring shipping my Kindle, I think that a copy of this book would be stellar to send and share!

  44. I can no longer watch Castle without thinking about how Nathan Fillion refused to take a picture for you. I’m now a big Wil Wheaton fan.

  45. I want to leave the book on my desk, so that when upper management comes into my office, or visiting peeps that are all uptight about work shit, can ask me… “What’s this About”? and I can say.. oh.. it’s great you wanna borrow it?
    When they return it, judging their responses, I will learn something about them… and that is priceless!

  46. I have a belly button. I do. I know that most people will say, “so do I.” The thing is, I know a woman who doesn’t. She was having surgery and the doc asked her husband while she was too out of it to answer if she wanted and innie or an outtie. Her husband said, “she doesn’t need one at all.” So that is what she got, or didn’t get, depending on how you look at it.

  47. I bought your book last year and laughed for days. I wish you had a follow up book but I read your blog and hope. You make me laugh out loud as I read. I live in DRIPPING Springs so I feel like a neighbor in a way. Thank you for the fun.

  48. I think a box of cow eyeballs would be a nifty thing to get in the mail. But I’d rather have a copy of your book!

  49. I haven’t read your book yet but I would love to! Also, thank you for your honesty, courage and sense of humor. You make me think I’m not as strange as I think I am sometimes.

  50. Hi, I should probably go back up to the top and look at the date this was posted so I don’t find out that it’s been weeks and I’m way behind and I’ll never win a copy of your book. But I already entered my name and such, and since I’m afraid I will have to do that again if I scroll up, I will just hope. Thanks for offering a chance to win. And thanks for all the other awesome stuff you do.

  51. I found 3 giant metal chickens at an antique store yesterday while visiting Asheville, NC. I immediately thought of you. They also had a metal armadillo on a stick and other metal animals. One in particular was a giant metal bulldog with a spiky collar. It was wonderful. So if you are ever in NC, go to Asheville. They have some really amazing stores.

    Oh, I should add that the antique store was in a giant old Ag Barn by the train tracks and the river.

  52. Wow, that’s a lot of comments. I feel as tho I can’t really compete (tho I can, and have, just now). I love your blog, rofling (it’s a word, because I said so) and crying and enjoying the linky-type things you post. Thank you, so much, more than you will ever know, for being you, and being so completely awesome.

  53. I would love an autographed copy of your book because you are awesome. Plus I promise not to use it as a giant dildo.

  54. I’m going to forget that today is 14 days after you started this giveaway. I’m just going to completely ignore it because it doesn’t exist and if you’re anything like me you’ll start today and work from the bottom up, thus I’ll be first to get a book. Yay! Thanks for the book! (That’s me thanking you ahead of time.. just in case I don’t get to it in 14 days after I receive it).

  55. Your book was lent to me a couple of months ago but I never got around to reading it. I knew you were a blogger, but I didn’t think much of it, until I stumbled upon your amazing blog by accident and realized that you were the author of the book. I’m going to start reading it immediately. =)

  56. I absolutely love your book, and would adore having a copy of the UK version!

    I have it in hardcover, and will be getting a copy of the paperback soon. I work in a bookstore, and when people ask me what book they should get, it’s always on my list of recommendations!

  57. I do not have a favorite toe. In fact, when I read this I about choked on my pizza. I hate feet. Feet super freak me out. IF my boyfriend had a foot fetish, I would leave him, yesterday. I tell him this on a daily basis, and when I do he insists on pretending as though he would like to kiss my LEAST favorite toe (all of my toes are my least favorite toe.) And it freaks me out even more and I tell him I’ll kick him in the face. This never goes over well. He’s looking at me a little strange now because I instinctively sat on my feet.

    Anyway. I love your blog and your book and I’d love love love a copy of the UK version!

  58. I like goats. Not in an inappropriate way or anything… Get your mind out of the gutter.

    🙂

  59. I’m guessing you already picked a winner or winners, but we’re finally catching up again. (Cuz reading your blog is what we like to do on a Friday night while staring at the Manhattan skyline. [New York is so wasted on us.]) I figured I’d try anyway. We’d like a book please.

  60. Just found your blog yesterday. Pinterest brought up Beyonce the chicken and I am now devouring these posts!

  61. There was a coach at my high school who got mad at a ref for making a bad call. So, he popped out his glass eye, handed it to the ref, and said, “Here. Maybe now you can actually SEE what’s going on on the field.” Then, he walked away.

  62. I don’t have to have a free book, I am perfectly willing to pay for one. But I do need an autographed one! For my friend, who is moving all the way across the country in just a couple of weeks and you are her favorite thing ever. This would be the perfect present. If you can’t get me one could you please email me back and somehow attach a pdf of your signature so I can buy your book plain and then practice forging it and maybe my friend won’t know the difference. Thanks and LOVE you!

  63. Holy va-jaysus. I just found your blog, specifically the post about the fucking CHICKEN! Oh my greatness, I cannot believe you did this. It’s just pure amazingness. Like, better than cocaine. Or, if I did cocaine I would still say it was better than cocaine. How about better than cat smiles… Anyway, getting off topic. The whole point about this comment is to tell you how-freaking-awesome your blog is, and if your blog is this epic…. I need to read your book. And if you signed it, and sent it to me… well that’d be cool i guess….

    Seriously. I cried while reading your chicken blog. because it was that hilarious. and then when i was re-telling it to my sis-in-not-so-law, i was laughing so hard i cried AGAIN, which i’m pretty sure she was crying too. but i couldn’t exactly tell through all the tears.

    so anyways…. you deserve a million pounds of cocaine. but fake cocaine. that’s full of vitamins. because I want to save you TOO from cocaine. because i love you.

    that is all 🙂

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