I’m an idiot – Page 2

Oh. That was…unexpected.

You know what’s awesome? When you’re having a crappy day and the doorbell rings and there’s a guy with a package that you need to sign for and you smile excitedly at him and you’re all “Awesome! I love getting packages!” and he looks at you weird but you brush it off because Yay! Package!Continue reading “Oh. That was…unexpected.”

This is how my whole life goes

This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to be on twitter: PS. My friend MariaMelee is truly amazing and her roach spray review was like the Iliad of roach spray reviews. She’s awesome. I’m going to go to bed now. Comment of the day: So…does that mean we’re not getting roach spray? ~ Steve

What’s really sad is that this isn’t a joke at all and that my mom actually was subjected to all of these emails

A series of inappropriate emails I sent to my mother which she has not responded to at all. (This is all totally true, by the way. That’s what makes it so very awful. FYI: Lisa is my sister. Gabi is my niece. My mother is a saint.) To: Mom Sent: 2:02pm Weird. I can’t evenContinue reading “What’s really sad is that this isn’t a joke at all and that my mom actually was subjected to all of these emails”

Fuck Kevin Bacon. (But not in a bad way. Kevin Bacon is fine. This is a conceptual title. Stop yelling at me, Kevin Bacon fans.)

So remember a couple of months ago when I was speaking at a humor panel at Blogher but they scheduled Tim Gunn (from Project Runway) to appear at the exact same time so I demanded that my minions kidnap Tim Gunn and bring him to the humor panel, and then the PR company handling TimContinue reading “Fuck Kevin Bacon. (But not in a bad way. Kevin Bacon is fine. This is a conceptual title. Stop yelling at me, Kevin Bacon fans.)”

If I see Steve Jobs I am going to bite him in the face

So I kept telling Victor I wanted a mac because all the cool people have one and he’s all “You HATE change. Stick with your PC that I built out of Pterodactyls because that’s how long ago it was. PC’s are awesome if you are a Republican.” But then my friend Laura was all “BasicallyContinue reading “If I see Steve Jobs I am going to bite him in the face”

I think I got a pig heart in the mail. UPDATE: No, it’s a dog sleeping bag.

I know I said I’d have more info on the People’s Party today but apparently I’m a big fat liar. Instead I’m going to show you a screenshot of my email. Please keep in mind that all of these emails are from real people and are not spam. (Click to enlarge.) Also, I just got a package from the girlContinue reading “I think I got a pig heart in the mail. UPDATE: No, it’s a dog sleeping bag.”