terrible titles – Page 6

UPDATED: I’m running out of grocery stores I’m allowed to go back to

So yesterday at the grocery store the cashier asked if we wanted to try some 99 cent deodorant which seemed less helpful and more of a subtle insult but then I saw she had a big box of it beside the register and Victor’s all “No thank you” but I couldn’t even speak because theContinue reading “UPDATED: I’m running out of grocery stores I’m allowed to go back to”

If I get fired before my last day of work I’m totally going to act out that scene from Jerry Maguire when security comes. Not that “Show me the money” scene. The one where he rides off in a jet and is all “That’s right, Iceman. I am dangerous” and then he makes out with Val Kilmer. I may be confusing my Tom Cruise movies. I’ll probably just yell “Wolverines” instead.

Manager: You sure are working hard today. Me: Well all these viruses aren’t going to program themselves. One way or another this is going to be my last week of work. Comment of the day: How about hosting an open house of your office? Cookies on the desk, to rent signs on the door, even hireContinue reading “If I get fired before my last day of work I’m totally going to act out that scene from Jerry Maguire when security comes. Not that “Show me the money” scene. The one where he rides off in a jet and is all “That’s right, Iceman. I *am* dangerous” and then he makes out with Val Kilmer. I may be confusing my Tom Cruise movies. I’ll probably just yell “Wolverines” instead.”

My biggest qualification for writing an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.

Holy crap, y’all. I have my first real writing gig. Writing an advice column. That just happened. It’s for this company called PNN and I think it’s like CNN for chicks. I’m afraid to ask what the P stands for. All I know is that in spite of many, many emails letting them know what a horrible mistake theyContinue reading “My biggest qualification for writing an advice column is the fact that someone gave me an advice column.”

Boobs are the new flag pin

So this year I forgot to wear green on St. Patrick’s day and totally fucked up Rodeo Day (which is a real holiday in Texas and stop judging us, Canada) but I am totally prepared for today which is apparently NATIONAL CLEAVAGE DAY. UPDATE: Apparently I am the only person in my office even aware of NationalContinue reading “Boobs are the new flag pin”

This could all end very, very badly

Hi. If you are the adorable mommypie (or anyone who loves true romance) go here now and do not read the rest of this post. If you have been dumped, cheated on or recently destroyed by love do not go there. Just stay here and look at this nice, comforting period . Basically it’s a proposal. Online. HostedContinue reading “This could all end very, very badly”

I blame the Pope

So the other day I was talking to my friend Christine and I told her she should stop reading my blog this week because I was about to take down the Pope and she’s all “Honestly, you make me hurt inside. Please leave my Pope alone” and I’m all “Well he fucking started it” and Christine was allContinue reading “I blame the Pope”