I blame the Pope

So the other day I was talking to my friend Christine and I told her she should stop reading my blog this week because I was about to take down the Pope and she’s all “Honestly, you make me hurt inside.  Please leave my Pope alone” and I’m all “Well he fucking started it” and Christine was all “YOU’RE NOT EVEN ON HIS RADAR” and then the other people in the elevator started looking uncomfortable and I’m all “HE’S TRYING TO DESTROY ME” and then Christine sighed very Catholicky and was all “Okay, fine.  How is the Pope trying to destroy you?” and I explained that my blog traffic is down like 15% this month and I’m pretty sure it’s because the Pope told everyone to get off the internet for Lent  which is very easy for him to say because I’m fairly certain the Pope isn’t a big twitterer.  Although if he was it would probably look a lot like this. 

You know what would totally suck?  Being the Pope’s secretary.  Because if a normal boss walks in on you and you’re playing on the internet you’re going to get in trouble but if the Pope walks in on you and you’re playing online solitaire when you’re supposed to be typing Popie things you are totally fucked.

PS.  Christine gave me tacit permission to blame the Pope for destroying my blog because she said I was “too imbecilic to take seriously” but I’m pretty sure making up a fake twitter Pope account might be a mortal sin.  But Christine also told me if you didn’t actually learn what the mortal sins are they don’t count against you so I’m pretty much still guaranteed my 14 virgins and a mule which is my basic understanding of what you’re supposed to get in heaven.

Comment of the day:  I think, actually, you only get 7 virgins.  At least that’s what the Pope told me in his last email. Which was yesterday.   

Wait a minute… ~ Miss Britt

119 thoughts on “I blame the Pope

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Ha! My forum traffic is down, too because of all the people taking off for Lent. If God wanted them to do that, He would have also told them to put their accounts on invisible so we wouldn’t see them reading all the trainwreck threads.

    In fairness, it’s not just the Pope, this year I’ve noticed a lot of people who don’t even believe in God giving things up for Lent, just cause. I don’t even want to begin to get that.

    Tracy’s last blog post..Shangri-La Diet Week 2.5

  2. Fact: you CAN snort peanut butter up your nose laughing hysterically. And I’m Catholic. I may have just laughed myself into Hell. But, in the hopes of a Special Dispensation, I am now totally following the Pope on Twitter. And I’m eating pisketti every Friday during lent – sans meatballs, of course…

    Ri’s last blog post..Laugh of the Day

  3. If somehow things didn’t work out and you ended up in hell after all, I’m pretty sure you could still twitter from there. Except you’d have an infinitely negative number of followers and the only other twitterer you could follow would be Satan and all his tweets would be lame lawyer jokes and stupid comments about it being “hotter than here down here.”

    So that would suck.

  4. Nah I don’t think you go to hell for imitating the Pope…you got purgatory where the Pope explains to you in detail the deadly sins…in German…on a loop…until someone prays you out of there. I would like to help you out, but I’ll be dead way before you.

    Cedarflame’s last blog post..Lava Lamp gave it one thumb up…

  5. I think it’s time you sent me a pic of yourself so I can make you your very own Bloggess Saint Candle. Once you have that candle, you can light it when your blog traffic is down and God will see your light on and get everyone to get their asses in gear and stop by your blog.

    Seriously, I get a picture. You get a Saint Candle.

    Ryan’s last blog post..week 25

  6. If everyone gets 14 virgins and (Muslims get more) how come the population of the world is stuck at 6 billion?

    VVs? …. Virtual Virgins…

    Hmmm… stuck a © I’m gonna make a motza with this!

    Young Werther’s last blog post..Lunch Lite?

  7. Anyone in that hat, who drives around in a pope-mobile, and urges people give up THE INTERNET for Lent, is just asking to be mocked.

    However, should you end up in hell I’m sure that I’ll be there too. You bring the meth, I’ll bring the cocktails.

    Vanessa’s last blog post..I Thought I Had a Leprechaun

  8. Because if a normal boss walks in on you and you’re playing on the internet you’re going to get in trouble but if the Pope walks in on you and you’re playing online solitaire while you’re supposed to be typing Popie things you are totally fucked.

    If I read this to my mom, she would cry.

    Jamie Varon’s last blog post..10 ways to boldly market yourself.

  9. Ah the popester:
    They call him the “German Shepard”.

    I don’t like him. Next thing they will put his Pope face on fleece and then everyone will have to take a nap with the pope’s face and stuff. That would be creepy.

  10. Your traffic is down because those tracking sites lose stats all the time. They come back.

    Alternatively (and probably more accurately) — your traffic is down 15% for the month because it seems ALL the cool kids went to SXSW (or whatever the hell it is) and the internet DIED. Remember? You gave it away to your grandmother because there WAS no internet because all the cool kids went to a party. (Me? Personally? I’m having to deal with the fact that it wasn’t bad enough I wasn’t cool in high school….NOW…I’m not cool enough to hang out with INTERNET GEEKS! SERIOUSLY!)

    Yep.

    That’s it.

    In the meantime? That secretary? The one working for the Pope and twittering when he said not too? She’s not just in trouble. She’s going to hell. Fire. Brimstone. Awful smells and sweltering heat. All sorts of horrible, terrible things will happen to her because she absolutely could not fight the temptation of Twitter. (Which, ya know, makes her kind of weak, so…..she’s not someone I’d want to spend an eternity with anyway. But, apparently, she’s going to have a LOT of good company. Like Mozart. And George Carlin. And since all the baseball players will be there, that’s where baseball will be. So I might want to join them.)
    😉

    All the best!
    deb

    P.S. For the love of all that’s holy people, I’m a preacher’s daughter. And if I can joke like this with my DAD…..I mean….really……

    deb’s last blog post..what’s wrong with AIG, businesses, and the country

  11. I wanted to send the Pope a box of condoms, but I’m not sure the head Cardinal will accept it. So I will disguise the box. I’ll drill some air holes and on the outside I’ll write in crayon, “Young boy on board.”

    Is the address Vatican, Suite 666, Rome, Italy? I couldn’t find the zip code on the Internet.

    Thanks.

    BakeMyFish’s last blog post..Peanuts, Pinball and Pool

  12. I was told today that I was going to go to hell because I was a friend of bacon. And that the cruelty that goes into making bacon will put my immortal soul in danger because I eat bacon. I said, but I’m not catholic, I only dress like a nun on Halloween when I take the kiddies Trick or Treating. She said I was going to go to hell for that too. I guess my plan to go bar hopping with all my friends dressed as nuns for Easter will keep my bunk warm in hell, don’t cha think?

    Chris O’s last blog post..Norway is Not the Capital of Sweden

  13. I’m about to take down the Pope by myself after his asinine stance regarding condoms in Africa. Seriously, it’s sickening.

  14. Have you seen the Popes secretary?

    Bow chica bow bow.

    I would totally go to hell with a smile on my face if I could have some of that.

    Dude is freaking hot.

    And my boyfriend. So hands off woman.

  15. Pretty sure the only people who read my blog are savage, heathen, idolators. My blog traffic has actually increased during Lent. Think it might be Satanists? They don’t do some kind of anti Lent or anything? Although by asking you these questions, I am insinuating that you have intimate knowledge of Satanists, I’m not really. I mean I did, but if you don’t know, I’m pretty sure I could google it.

    Tracy Lynn’s last blog post..Look! There’s A Fat Guy!

  16. You know he’s compensating for something with that hat. And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

  17. I’m pretty sure you’re on the Pope’s radar because you renamed God as Chuck. So you could start your own religion and we could all sing the song Chuck chuck bo buck, banana fana fo fuck, mee mi mo muck, Chuck as part of the weekly ceremony! This blog is just the first step in creating your very own cult.

    Becky Mochaface’s last blog post..Crafty Crafty

  18. So now you got me all curious, so I went and looked up the Pope’s website. There’s an Angelus (whatever the hell that is) that was posted yesterday. What’s that about Popey? Looks like someone fell off the anti-internet wagon.

  19. So I was bored as a teenager and went rollerskating through the chapel of our local catholic church, which tired me out so much I had to drink holy water to revive myself then take a nap on the strategically tiled crucifix on the floor. I still put dirt and crap on my face on Ash Wednesday, then go for a facial and remind them not to clean off the god on my forehead.

    I ain’t gettin no donkey.

  20. Oh hell yes…Jenny, I love you!

    I wonder if the Pope has a body double, like big important government type have…I *totally* want that job. Because then I can wear the hat, and find out just how *many* small dogs I can fit in it.

    And hell yes, I can ride in the Pope mobile!

    Can I vote for you to be Pope, Jenny? Can we sign a petition or something? I’d be the best Pope body-double ever…

  21. What do want with 14 virgins and a mule? Wouldn’t 14 slutty guys with experience be a little more interesting? Mules are worthless in heaven. I have no proof or backing knowledge for this, but I just can’t imagine what you’d want a mule for.

    The Medievalist’s last blog post..On risk

  22. I bet the Pope was addressing porn addicts when he brought up giving up the Web for Lent, but it got misunderstood and everyone jumped off like lemings. And I’m not Catholic but I hang with Catholics so I can tell you fish are involved because Friday we’re all hanging out in St. Matthew’s in San Antonio eating and there’s no Web stuff going on there ‘cuz — just ‘cuz! But the gumbo. There’s gumbo. Good gumbo because all them refugees from Katrina, a lot of them kept busy here teaching us how to make gumbo. So, you know, forget the Internet! Let’s eat gumbo!

  23. So true about the pregnant question. Once I was at a lame Stepford Wives event in The Woodlands, where I used to live with my Stepford ex-husband. I was wearing one of those cutesy (ugly) jumper dresses for Fourth of July. And some stupid woman asked when my baby was due. Funny thing is I was about a size 6. I’d love to be a size 6 now — and I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if anyone asked me when it was due. You Rock. Way more than the Pope.

    WineWonkette’s last blog post..Customer Service: A Tale of Two Bartenders

  24. Why are you even taking the pope seriously? Fewer and fewer catholics are. Except in Africa. And that’s a good thing. Except in Africa.

  25. I’ll have you know that I really am on the Pope’s radar, and let me tell you, it is REALLY easy to steal focus with this guy. I just do it for fun sometimes.

    And I really, really hope that boring as he may be, the Pope continues to update his Twitter page.

    LiteralDan’s last blog post..Put on a happy face

  26. Because if a normal boss walks in on you and you’re playing on the internet you’re going to get in trouble but if the Pope walks in on you and you’re playing online solitaire when you’re supposed to be typing Popie things you are totally fucked

    Not only would you get fired from your job, but you’d get fired from the catholic church. Jesus. Talk about a resume stain…

    Scott Jacobs’s last blog post..Now They Tell Us, Part 3147

  27. So that’s what it was. My traffic is down too. So it’s about (belly button) Lent. I wondered. Or it could be I have just pissed everyone off with my last post. And they hate me.

    Off to jump off a bridge now. But first I have to tweet it.

    T.

    T@SendChocolate’s last blog post..Don’t Tell Me Motherhood Sucks

  28. You know… not that I want to call the Pope a hypocrite or anything but… if you remember, the Popester recently got into a little trouble chumming up with an excommunicated bishop who had denounced that little incident called the holocaust. Once he’d been made aware of his really poor friend making skills, he actually made a statement that the internet could probably be a useful tool. Even the Pope has discovered the value behind Googling before adding a friend on Facebook. What’s cool for you is this all took place smack dab in the middle of Lent! Here’s proof: http://tiny.cc/ZxAvq and here’s more: http://tiny.cc/eh3rb I think you should totally call him on it.

    What’s cooler… the Jews will be your salvation from the anti-internetness that spewed from the Pope – oh the irony.

  29. I always wanted to be Catholic because all of my Catholic friends in high school could go out and get drunk and have sex and be debaucherous and then just go to confession and do it again next week. Couldn’t Catholics do that with the internet? I think it’s a legitimate loophole. Of course, I’m Presbyterian, so what do I know.

    cluckandtweet’s last blog post..Personalized Refrigerator Magnets…cheep, cheep!

  30. I don’t believe for one second that your bulk of followers are religous Lenten Catholics. It would just be so wrong. But I mean that in a loving and sweet ex-Catholic way.

    Carolyn Online’s last blog post..By definition.

  31. I have never understood the desire to have 14 virgins. I mean, if I end up in a “heaven” where I can have 14 men for my lovers, please make them highly experienced. I don’t need to spend all eternity “teaching” them what to do. Gawd. THAT would be HELL, my dear.

    tracey’s last blog post..He gone!

  32. I don’t believe for one second that your bulk of followers are religous Lenten Catholics. It would just be so wrong. But I mean that in a loving and sweet ex-Catholic way.

  33. I think I’m the one who killed the old Pope (JPII), because I suggested he needed to die during my job interview. It was one of those weird moments where I relaxed and let my gaurd down, and I thought it cost me the job. Turns out, it helped.

    Also, giving Popes acronymal nicknames makes them seem all gangstery. Benedict XVI becomes B16, at which point it becomes totally appropriate to refer to the Pope-mobile as “B16’s Hoopty.”

    Red Delicious’s last blog post..This is a Scare Tactic, Right?

  34. Ron Popeil is the true Pope.

    That other cross-dressing wanna-be Fisherman of Men’s Pockets is a cheap German imitation that couldn’t spray hair on people’s heads to save his ass.

    Everyone knows this.

  35. Your blasphemy is inciting mine to flourish…worse than normal.

    Tonight’s topic of conversation? Whether aborting Jesus 2.0 would a) be possible and b) send me directly to hell. Which led to whether God was pro-choice or pro-life, which led to a discussion of God vetting candidates to be his baby mama. Which led to contemplating if it would be considered date rape if God was all “BLAM! Haha, you’re pregnant. Your shame will save the world. Suck it up, bitch!”

    I think my friends are gonna start shunning me. Noone appreciates my philosophical ponderings.

  36. I like how the Catholic Church is so good at mixed messages. Like when they tell people to give up the internet for Lent and then proceed to talk about it on their WEBSITE!

  37. Well, they shouldn’t give up the internet for lent, because at least the internet has some truth on it. not like the pope a couple weeks ago that said people shouldn’t use condoms because they help spread HIV. that’s right, he said condoms aid in the spread of HIV. ( see http://tinyurl.com/cs7o7s )

    not sure i’d be taking advice or suggestions from this guy.

    {cher}’s last blog post..Party, Pizza & Pounds

  38. Good for you Jenny. The Pope needs his rack trimmed lately for being such a buddinski. I think you’ll still get your mule in heaven and who would want the 14 virgins chosen by this Pope anyway?

    Faye’s last blog post..If It’s Thursday. . .

  39. Original Lisa (#42) had me spitting a $4 coffee all over my computer monitor. I just can’t compete with these hilarious batshit crazy commentors you have.

    Plus the word “catholicky” reminds me of “garlicky” which reminds me of pickles which reminds me of that pelican or whatever he is in the Vlasic commercials. From now my brain will be all Pope = Garlic Pelican Pickles. So thanks.

    In other news, it’s 72 virgins, not 12, so you are totally gonna be busy. You’ll have to have some kind of system where you designate a few of them to be Skills Trainers, do some intensive training – “no, no, to the left, no the right, no not THAT much, ok, there, wait you lost it”. And then they can pass all the good sex info down the ladder until everyone knows what to do. Maybe you can come up with some kind of certification or something so you don’t accidentally get stuck with some dumbass who can’t find the Sweet Spot.

  40. I barely get traffic so I don’t feel a thing.

    I think the Pope’s been out to destroy me from the beginning.

    I think I’ll suggest he keep a mini-Pope under his hat too.

    John’s last blog post..New space

  41. I’m not sure what you would need 14 virgins and a mule for, unless they have a Tijuana in heaven, too.

  42. This week I told my mom not to read my latest post but especially not the accompanying one on IttyBiz.com because I swore too much and actually introduced a few people to the words “doucherocket” and “doubleshit” and actually managed to offend some of Naomi’s readers, which if you read her is fucking IMPOSSIBLE.

    Oh, I forgot to mention, my mom is the pope.

    Johnny B. Truant’s last blog post..Heeeeere’s Johnny!

  43. P.P.S: I’d take the Pope a lot more seriously if he didn’t wear that hat. I’m thinking of sending him one of those beanies they wore at the beginning of Animal House.

    P.P.P.S: Fingers crossed that this will be the post that makes your blog yell at me again for posting too much too quickly. I wouldn’t mind if it weren’t such a whore about it, but it’s like “You are posting too quickly. Slow down.” I totally hear it in the voice of my Pope mother.

    Johnny B. Truant’s last blog post..Heeeeere’s Johnny!

  44. The Pope and Obama have something in common….they both like to spoil a good thing when they see one. They should become “frineds” on Facebook.

    Beth’s last blog post..Do You Detox?

  45. I think I was probably just excommunicated because I laughed so hard. Oh well, I must be a really bad Catholic since I didn’t know the pope ordered us all to give up the internet for Lent.

  46. forget the pope. he’s just like Dr. Phil only 5 years behind the times. he’s probably still playing Papal-Atari too (which is like pong only instead of the little ball thing it’s a devilish pac man that you bounce around with a crucifix).

    Hannah’s last blog post..Bye Bye Bye

  47. Ruining your blog traffic? Down 15 percent? WHAAAAT??? You get 100 damn comments every time you FART and you’re worried about being down? Jesus H Christ, I get 10 comments and I consider it a good day. You get that in the first 5 seconds after you hit ‘publish’. Honestly, if I were Catholic I think I’d ask my priest to put a curse on you or something.

    Memphis Steve’s last blog post..Misandric Monday – Just Random Shit That Bugs Me

  48. That’s okay. I got told that I was going to Hell because I said “if I was Jesus, I’d totally eat Oreos.” So, you bring the milk!

  49. Umm… i would venture to guess that (if they actually are a relaity and not some deranged religious leaders idea of a joke) the mortal sins are likely still mortal, even if you dont know them, since, I am 100% sure the law of gravity still applies to babies who know nothing 😀

  50. You have it confused- its not 14 virgins and a mule. Its 14 virgin mules! Enjoy heaven!

  51. Is there an exchange ratio for the whole mule;virgin thing? If I dial down on the mules, can I get more virgins?

    Actually they don’t all have to be all that virginal.

  52. I heard through a cousin of a close personal friend of the Vatican Astronomer the The Pope found a loophole and is enjoying The Bloggess by having it read to him by a blind guy who is reading it in Braille.

    That 15%? They’re just sheep…leave ’em alone and they’ll come home…unless they’ve been silenced…like lambs. Are lambs the same as sheep?

    Screw it, I’m not a shepherd.

    Peace – Rene

    Not The Rockefellers’s last blog post..A little flavor in your ear….

  53. lol – you have to laugh at the Pope – last week he said condoms make AID’s worse… I suppose if you breathed one in, while you were dying of AID’s, yes, it might finish you off.

    Sheila’s last blog post..natural born killers…

  54. A blog in six sentences. Excellent. Not only does typing non-Popie things get you completely “screwed” (in a totally non-sexual septa-virginal way) but fucks with your eternal outlook. Pissing off the Pope earns negative points in Catholic Hell or something. What’s that? Like the nineth level? Unless you win solitare. Then even God is impressed.

    Mia Watts’s last blog post..Review

  55. I am pretty sure you are like, the funniest person on the whole entire planet. OH MY FUCK, I’m half dying from laughter. LOVE IT.

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