The Bloggess

I blame Steve Jobs for this.

August 25, 2013in I am totally overrated, no one thinks this is funny but me, Random Crap, weekly reruns

A series of texts I sent to my friend Maile after the rotten wood on our deck was replaced:

PS. After you fuck up two texts your phone should just automatically shut off to save you from yourself. Just a suggestion, Apple.

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And in less slightly-confusing news, it’s time for this week’s wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by my friend Marie, creator of Misanthropista. She’s sort of a bad-ass and most of her emails end with “Oh, bite me” or “What the fuck are you looking at?” but deep down she has a heart of gold and will teach you all about sexting. You should check her out. Bring donuts.

A friend for Beyonce.

August 23, 2013in Random Crap

Conversation with Victor:

me: I FOUND A MAILBOX FOR US.

Victor: We don’t need a mailbox.

me: And yet I still found one. It’s like a goddamn Christmas miracle.

photo-7 — You've got mail, motherfucker.

Victor: Yeah. You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

me: Miracle? It means “A person or thing that is a marvelous example of something.” I fucking dare you to find a more marvelous example of a metal chicken mailbox. It’s the Beyonce of mailboxes.

Victor: I’m taking all of your credit cards.

PS. I did not buy Miracle (the metal chicken mailbox) mostly because Victor accidentally quoted Princess Bride and it made me fall in love with him all over again. And also because I felt bad about all the dead mice that I’d bought on ebay that morning. Victor was not nearly as grateful as I thought he’d be because apparently Victor doesn’t understand how “compromise” works. And also because he hadn’t been aware that I was buying a lot of dead mice on ebay. And also, possibly, because he may have overheard me put an unnecessary metal chicken mailbox on layaway. Honestly, it’s hard to tell with Victor. That man is completely unpredictable.

I seriously feel freaked out. Nice job, cat.

August 19, 2013in Random Crap

You guys are totally fucked up. Never change.

August 16, 2013in Random Crap

I opened up my mail today and was surprised to find a shitload of drugs in it, and I assumed it was some sort of weird sting, but turns out that my post office gave me the wrong box and the drugs were perfectly legal and are supposed to go to a clinic. I also got a home-made dead frog in the mail and that caused much less confusion, because of course I did.

My friend, Ben Hamby, author of Rise of the Steam Goddess, is a bad-ass who knows far too much about steampunk Victorian vampires, and today he mailed me this:

mad eye moody — Yeah. So, that's a taxidermied froggie dressed as Mad Eye Moody.

He goes perfectly with my other Harry Potter-esque taxidermied creatures:

harry potter taxidermy — Issues. I have them.

Still on the lookout for Draco Mouse-foy, Severus Snake and Hairy Otter. Suggestions taken below.

PS. “OMG, DUMBLE-DORMOUSE.” I just screamed that and Victor just glared at me. Victor has no appreciation for the arts.

Fun with Google Analytics

August 13, 2013in Random Crap

Every so often I like to check in on Google Analytics to see what people are searching for that brought them to this blog. Occasionally I’ll filter the results to just show those searches that contain some random, innocuous keyword. Today I chose the word “smell”.

Turns out? Not so innocuous after all.

Never change, you guys.

PS. The first 50 smell-related searches were mostly a variation of “What’s that smell?”, which is a pretty fucking weird thing to ask your computer. That said – based on my search results- it’s probably just your eyeballs or possibly the meth you forgot in your vagina. I’m glad I could help.