The Bloggess

Welcome to Nowhere!

October 15, 2019in book stores are magic, nowhere bookshop

Big news…the Nowhere Bookshop website is open to the public!

And that means that you can now buy t-shirts, mugs, totes and signed or personalized books. Will I write “knock knock motherfucker!” or “Thank you for hiding that body for me, friend” or other requested ridiculousness? Of course I will.

Over the last several days a number of you volunteered to test the website (thank you!) so I think all the bugs are worked out. I sent emails to each of the people to invite them to try it and I closed the email telling them that the sizes were accurate and that I found that a size large fit me really well but that I’d probably do the 2X because I really love loose shirts. Except that I accidentally sent it out with a typo to the first focus group, which means I told a dozen people in a professional email how much “I really love loose shits”.

Awesome.

This video seems only slightly more professional:

View this post on Instagram

SHIRTS! Quick video showing you the actual sizes. I’m a size 12/14 and I’m wearing a large. The ladies sizes have v-necks, as requested! Go to www.nowherebookshop.com to get yours!

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 15, 2019 at 9:30am PDT

All the proceeds go to getting a new floor and accessible bathrooms and a wheelchair ramp and a bar and a million other things we need.

Thank you for helping make this dream come true for all of us.

Now click here and get your stuff before we sell out. Free bookplates will be added to packages until we run out. Go!

The most metal Capricorn ever.

October 13, 2019in Random Crap, weekly reruns

me: So apparently I could have murdered people if I’d just been born hundreds of years ago.

Victor: …I’m sorry?

me: Don’t be sorry. Be impressed.

Victor: Um…no.

me: I’m reading this book and it says that according to slavic legend, people born on a Saturday were called sâbotnik, and they were natural-born vampire hunters. And people born in the two weeks after Xmas were considered uber vampire slayers. I’m half-slavic AND I was born on a Saturday that fell during the super vampire Xmas vacation thing. I’M THE MOST DANGEROUS KIND OF CAPRICORN.

Victor: Huh.

me: I would have been granted by the other villagers official license to destroy any vampires I find, which is pretty bad-ass but also sounds a bit exhausting so I’d probably just give the stink-eye to assholes so they know I could stab them if I wasn’t so tired.

Victor: Well, you kinda do that already.

me: Oh…hang on. This says that I’d probably also eventually turn into a vampire because being born on those days makes you “unclean” and apparently the only reason I could sense vampires is because I’m sort of evil too.

Victor: Well that part still tracks.

me: I guess it’s nice to know I could have another career if this writing thing goes to shit.

********

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

As requested: TAKE YOUR MEDS

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Psychedelic Design Co. This site has T-shirts, phone cases and household goods with some truly fun and original designs by a young artist. If you’re looking for something different and original and you’d like to help an aspiring artist pursue his dream, you should totally check this site out!

Y’all are too damn talented but I’m not complaining.

October 11, 2019in book stores are magic, nowhere bookshop

So some time next week (fingers crossed!) the Nowhere Bookshop will be live! And that means you can help support the store by buying shirts and mugs and my signed books and totes and other lovely things. And as a thank you for all your help I’m going to be dropping self-adhesive bookplates into the packages as long as my printer keeps working.

My friend Deni Kendig, artist and recovering taxidermist, created the bookplates and they are AMAZING. For real, ya’ll. Take a look:

The shop is coming along slowly but turns out that permits and assorted bullshit take longer than expected, but it almost looks like a real shop if you don’t look inside at what is most certainly the most “before” looking before-and-after picture ever. Please send prayers and reliable contractors.

You are needed. No matter what.

October 8, 2019in Random Crap

Recently I got an email asking if Rory (the taxidermied raccoon) was available for a Hollywood close-up, as a singing character on a musical taxidermy pilot. It sounded like fried gold but Rory is extremely breakable and every time he goes somewhere all his fingers fall off (relatable) and his brother Rory II is almost as fragile so he had to say no for his own self-preservation.

But then I had a thought…Rory III.

Rory III was a gift I got on tour and he is made of magic. And a carcass. And also some dolls hands and some cardboard tubing that makes him fit perfectly on a bottle and makes him the best wine koozie ever.

Me meeting Rory III for the first time. It was glorious.

So I sent Rory III to California and he was loved and beloved, and this same strange little creature that Hailey and Victor keep insisting I stop putting in their beds was finally accepted and celebrated for his endearing weirdness and strange gifts.

And I got a few behind the scenes photos, like this one:

This is like my favorite sleepover ever.

The point is, you may feel like an empty, unappreciated weirdo right now but don’t give up because one day you will find the place you fit…the place where you were meant to be…and you will finally feel warm and loved even when you’re not totally filled with wine. Just like Rory III.

PS. Here is a link to the project. I’m looking forward to it.

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Going Nowhere…slowly.

October 3, 2019in depression lies

I told my shrink today that I think I have to go back on Xanax. It feels like admitting failure, even though I know it isn’t. It’s a medication, and one that I need when I’m ill. And although I know logically that it’s strong to admit you need help and that I believe this without question, it still feels like weakness.

I’m in and out of the haze of mental illness now…in that bleary spot where you can’t trust your own head to judge life. It’s different for everyone but for me when I’m in a bad place I feel like I haven’t slept since the last time I was mentally well. I have slept, but the days feel chained together and I feel off, like when you’ve been awake so long things start to feel surreal.

Part of the reason why I think I’m feeling this depression is because of my anxiety. It’s been a bit out of control lately and the panic that never ends leads to exhaustion and exhaustion to depression in that slippery downhill slopes of my own mind.

I’ll be fine.

I will.

And things are good. My editor started reading my manuscript and loves what she’s read so far which makes me a puddle of relief. The bookstore stuff is harder than I thought but hopefully next week the website will be up and I’ll have more news. The ABA wrote this amazing story about it. Tonight I have a rehearsal for my TEDx talk and although I’m literally sick with anxiety I feel like it’s important and I have hope that I can do it without crying.

So I will try to quiet the voices in my head that scream so loud that I am alone and that I will fail and that everyone hates me and will realize I am the loser my mind says I am. And if you are hearing those terrible voices in your own head, know that they are lies.

It’s going to be okay.

You’ll get through this.

So will I.

Awkward in another language

October 1, 2019in Random Crap

We are back from Italy and I’m feeling a bit better. Whoop!

It was quite lovely though in spite of the depression and you can go to instagram to see all the pictures. I’d put them all here but I’m still sort of in that level of recovery mode where everything is exhausting and you just want to stop breathing for a bit to conserve energy.

But one thing I didn’t put on Instagram is that to celebrate Hailey’s birthday we went to the opera in Venice, which is the fanciest fucking thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.

And we sat in our little opera box and looked over the balcony as the singers did their thing and at one point I was like, “OMG BUGS BUNNY DID THIS SONG!” and then Victor and Hailey sort of stared at me so I went back to listening but I guess Italians don’t believe in air conditioning and it was really warm and I was tired and I sort of fell asleep sitting up and I started to fall over and I woke up with such a start that I literally yelped and launched myself out of my seat and Hailey grabbed me because she thought I was going to leap over the edge of the balcony. Long story short, we left immediately but in my defense we’d already been there for an hour and a half and it was barely even intermission. And Hailey said that she felt dumb that we’d wasted our money and time on something that didn’t really do it for any of us but she and Victor spent the rest of our vacation endlessly mocking me for mortifying myself in the fanciest way ever so technically I think it was a very worthwhile experience.

Sometimes the most messed up moments make for the best memories.

PS. Also, we had a driver take us to see the body of St. Zita in Lucca and when he asked where we were going I was like, “St. Zita” and he was like, “Pardon?” And I said, “St. Zita” again and he was like, “Are you telling me to shut up? Because that’s how you say ‘shut up’ in Italian”. And then I felt really bad but a few minutes later he asked Victor, “Do you like the bitch?” and I was like, “First off, he loves this bitch and secondly that seems a little unnecessary” but turns out he was just asking if we wanted to see the beach and this is why I really need to learn how to speak the language more before I visit places.