The SXSW festival is an hour from my house but I never go to it because crowds scare the shit out of me and also because it’s super expensive and I don’t have enough xanax and/or facial hair to fit in there, but last week I got invited to some kind of SXSW civility luncheon thingie and I had to go because 1) it was being thrown by some of my best friends and 2) someone invited me to a GODDAM CIVILITY LUNCHEON, y’all. How could I not go?
I usually write down shit as it happens and quickly write a post that day so I don’t forget what my notes meant but then Victor decided to shatter his arm and I got distracted and now I just have a bizarre bunch of notes that are confusing even to me. And now I’m going to share them with you. Because then you’ll know what it’s like in my head and it will make you feel better about yourself by comparison.
Bizarre notes I wrote to myself while getting mildly sloshed at a brunch designed to teach me about “civility & mobile etiquette”:
- Awesome idea for an invention: Tin cup (worn on a piece of twine around your neck). You could use it for olive pits, used-toothpicks and for panhandling. A tin cup on twine is the new waterproof pocket. That would be our slogan.
- I could probably save a lot of time if I just made a t-shirt that says, “I’m sorry for disappointing you”.
- I’m at civility party designed to teach me about not using Twitter in public. I’m the only person tweeting right now. Awesome. *I’m* the asshole at the bar. Except this isn’t even a bar. My god I suck at this.
- I just spent 10 minutes convincing Helen Jane that James Franco’s severed arm probably tastes like buffalo. Made a really convincing argument of it and I’m fairly sure she was impressed. Then some new chick came over and asked what we were talking about and I was all “James Franco’s arm tastes of buffalo”, but I wasn’t sober enough to remember my reasoning so I just left it at that and the new chick looked vaguely frightened and wandered off. This is why context is important.
- This is a civility luncheon about the rudeness of using mobile phones in public and it has a hashtag assigned to it. #deeplyconfused
- Overheard: “Do you ever have to please your man while texting?” And suddenly this shit just got interesting.
- Overheard: ”Ringworm is going to happen, but if your baby gets pinworms you just walk away. Start fresh with a new baby, I say.” (Disclaimer: Does it count as “overheard” if you’re overhearing yourself say it to other people? How about if you’re only saying it to see how eavesdroppers will react? I say yes to both.)
- Overheard: ”This would make a great heroin spoon. Right? Do they sell these here? Someone find me a waiter.” (Again, see disclaimer above.)
- me at our table: ”Ooh! Pistachios!”
- me, seconds later: ”Oh. Those are not pistachios. Those are olive pits. No one eat those.”
- me, two drinks later: ”Ooh! Pistachios!”
- *repeat*
Seriously. They *totally* looked like pistachios.
- Things I learned: SXSW is pretty cool if you don’t actually get anywhere near SXSW. Pistachios aren’t supposed to be damp. I shouldn’t even be allowed to have a phone and/or leave my house.
UPDATED: By popular demand, “Sorry for disappointing you” shirts for socially akward bloggers are now available in men’s, women’s and toddler’s sizes. I’m buying two.
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I would have confused them for the pistachios also. Is that how you spell pistachios? I don’t know. And I have an English degree. Oh well. This is why you should have spell check on everything. Without spell check, I would have failed college. And writing this comment.
Oh man, I would loved to have seen the expression on your face when you realised that what was in your mouth wasn’t a pistachio.
Julia @ Boredom Abounds recently posted..Glee Highlights – Season 2- Episode 15- Sexy
I think James Franco’s arm would taste like a weird combination of corn chips, buffalo wing sauce, and patchouli oil. And pistachios are the sluts of the nut world, so it’s okay if they’re a little damp. But just a little.
Chelsie recently posted..Loudmouth- thy name is toddler
you SHOULD be allowed to carry a phone…in the tin cup on twine around your neck.
it’s also a handy place to put those olive pits after you discover that they are, in fact, NOT pistachios.
elizabeth-flourishinprogress recently posted..Monday Dare- its not me- its you no- its me
I am dying over the hasthag/civility luncheon irony. So delicious.
pauline recently posted..Mamavation Monday- Compatible States of Being
omg, this just made me almost spit out my olives… I mean pistachios! I haven’t read something that made me ACTUALLY laugh out loud in a really long time. I felt like someone was inside MY brain at an event. Awesome!
Sarah recently posted..Sunday Funday 2!
You’re right. Those do look like pistachios. In a weird, fuzzy sort of way…
Your brain is way more interesting than mine… mine is on an endless repeat of “where are my keys”
Eusticethesheep recently posted..Playing Catch Up
You need to send me one of those tshirts.
I felt like Eddie Murphy at the Aussie Bloggers Conference with people coming up to me and saying ‘MOTHERFUCKER’ and “RATFUCKSONOFABITCH’ and I was all ‘OK, thanks’
Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoo recently posted..What happens at a blog conference full of emotional and then very drunk women- stays at a blog conference full of very emotional and then very drunk women
You made my night…and no you shouldn’t be able to leave your house!
Leah @bookieboo recently posted..Mamavation Applicants- Who Do You Recommend
I thought olives would be banned for the insurance required. Drunk masses being orally impaired like Dennis Kucinich? Class-action suit imminent!
Overheard. Yes!
mrtl recently posted..This is the only item on my Christmas list
My but you have big ears to overhear all that stuff. I wish I did. I could use more interesting blog fodder. Which might be solved if I scuttled on down to SXSW, which I won’t because I have a little thing about crowds myself, and I’m not usually willing to share my xanax (raise your hand if 20 does not last a whole freakin’ year!), but I would for some decent blog fodder. Nothing too green or damp or pitty. But disgusting might be okay.
Fragrant Liar recently posted..Men- Friends- and Gods of the Arena
No one ever invites me to civility luncheons.
Bastards.
Brooke Farmer recently posted..I am in fucking love
I can’t comment right now. I’m pleasing my man.
Mrs. P recently posted..I bet there’s even a Candy Cane Forest
Unless you’re on the West coast, then it’s only 9:30. But we can be insomniacs too. I think they look like furry almonds. You should use them as decorations at halloween.
Mrs. Mustache recently posted..Nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh
I totally did that same thing with olive pits, except it was a kalamata olive pit and I thought it was another kalamata olive. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be the pit my sister spit BACK INTO THE SALAD. I’m still pissed … and I now want pistachios.
Christine recently posted..At least I come by it honestly…
I am laughing so hard my eyes are watering. (Thank you, I needed that). Please add the “I”m sorry for disappointing you” to your t-shirt line. I need one to wear the next time I have lunch with my mother.
It was very brave of you to go. You get bravery points, for sure.
dahlila xo
Hahahaha pistachios, repeat.
I almost lost a job over similar behaviour. This is why I cannot and do not regulate my own alcohol consumption… I don’t know HOW to.
Plus, it makes for much more interesting (read: later on humiliating) conversation.
StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted..California Doomed- Horrors Behind Closed Doors
This just makes me want to write hashtags.
#pitsandpistachios (a potential food blog name)
#altSXSW
#twineandtin (an excellent name for a band, while also being descriptive of most of the cars I’ve owned)
#goddamncivility
#victorandtheshatteredarm (definitely kid’s book potential, just sayin’)
I also need at least 14 of those t-shirts (what, I don’t do laundry every week, do you think I’m a fucking MACHINE or something??
And not in white, or they’ll be all stain-y in a week or so.
StephanieC @ Seriously?? Really? Seriously? recently posted..California Doomed- Horrors Behind Closed Doors
I expected lots of hiding in the bathroom.
Karen recently posted..Shocking news- People on the internet are weird
I will be implementing the tin cup invention. Its clever because then no one thinks your olive pits are pistachios.
jordan recently posted..Evidence Against Tequila
Someone sent me a fake/display iPhone, as a novelty way of making me read their PR bullshit. It is sitting on my desk to be given to my nephew, and I keep looking at the fake lit up screen and thinking I have 44 messages. Forty Four!
Why did they have to make the fake phone more popular than my own phone will ever be?
(My real unpopular phone isn’t even an iphone because I break things, but I still get excited every 3 minutes.)
On the plus side, I haven’t put anything in my mouth that’s been chewed on by someone else, today.
Olives in a bowl? What kind of barbarian luncheon was this? Olives are supposed to be served in martinis. And without pits. Who can look civil while spitting out olive pits? Unless you’re competing for distance, but that would be a different luncheon altogether.
Barbara recently posted..Dear Solicitor
This seriously makes sense to me. So now I’m not sure if I should comfort you and say that you’re not that bad, or feel like crap because I can’t feel better about myself in comparison.
Can i “LIKE” comment number 21?
Melissa recently posted..Lessons From Retail
OMFG best thing I’ve read all week (my blog, included!).
”Ringworm is going to happen, but if your baby gets pinworms you just walk away. Start fresh with a new baby, I say.”
I had no idea what pin worms were. So I googled. NEVER do that.
All of my favorite people (especially you) were at SXSW and I am full of jealousy.
Sarah Elizabeth recently posted..I Was Demanded To Update- So
Sorry to have to disagree with you, but James Franco’s arm tastes like pistachios. Actually, it tastes like pistachio gelato, but where the guy scooping it wasn’t wearing his hairnet, so it was full of hair. Unless you shave James Franco’s arm before eating it, in which case it just tastes like pistachio gelato.
Jon recently posted..Bill Zedler- champion of academic freedom
In college one of my roommates and I used to call them “smishsmashios.” I don’t know why that was a college thing. But we also drew a black dot on the ceiling and had contests to see who could look at it and spin around the longest. So it probably made sense at the time.
Sharon recently posted..Flash me those pearly whites
I would *totally* buy an, “I’m sorry for disappointing you,” tshirt. That would really make my life a lot easier.
Also, those do look unfortunately like pistachios.
I have never heard of SXSW before. I dont even know what it is and am absolutely too lazy to look it up. Sounds like it would involve porn. The olives look yummy though.
Shannon recently posted..My Fantastic Breast Cancer Plan
Now texting “damp nuts” to my husband.
juliejulie recently posted..High 10- How my running partner ran 10 miles without me
”Ringworm is going to happen, but if your baby gets pinworms you just walk away. Start fresh with a new baby, I say.” Possibly the best thing overheard – ever.
Marisa @ I failed math. recently posted..My son is definitely my child
i’m still thinking about wil wheaton…
Second comment…but when you get a brain wave you must act immediately.
The waterproof pocket…call it “The Kangaroo”. I bet we can get the Crocodile Dundee guy to do the commercials. He could say, “you call that a pocket? Now this is a pocket…” and then he spits in the can.
Mrs. P recently posted..I bet there’s even a Candy Cane Forest
Unfortunately the tin cup tied to a body part wouldn’t really be an invention since they had those during the late middle ages/renaissance. I know this because my husband insists on wearing one to every renaissance fair we go to (although he just uses it to drink mead). Instead of an invention it could be part of an initiative to bring back the useful parts of the middle ages, like carrying around an eating knife with you all the time. Seriously, how annoying is it when people come over your house for supper expecting you to have knives? Maybe leave out the black plague though.
1st – I’m all jealousy that I never get invited to civility luncheons
2nd – Overhearing yourself when you’re speaking for the benefit of eavesdroppers? AWESOME
3rd – please consider this my application to be your stalker, I mean “personal assistant”. I can stalk, I mean follow you at a reasonable distance and take notes for you
Wait, shit, I have to go please my man now…
Katya recently posted..I’m a poor Blogger
I want one of those shirts.
Veronica recently posted..Not having fun
Mmm used olive pits.
Fiona recently posted..Naughty Meringue Worms and Meat Pies at the Braidwood Bakery
I’m very interested in the tin cup on twine. Do you have an information pack for investors?
Sarah recently posted..7 Days- Day 3 – Sowing seeds
I had to Google SXSW because I thought it was a new acronym for another Sex and the City movie and, really, who needs a festival celebrating that shit?
Also, that Tin Cup on Twine (“Lipton Cup-o-Twine?” – discuss) would have been perfect for collecting those pistachio nuts/olive pits/pinworms. I’m sad for you.
moooooog35 recently posted..Its a RockerRodent Rock Opera
I’m with whoever questioned what kind of lunch this was – cause, really? Pitted olives at a civility luncheon? It’s not the height of civility to have people spitting out pits left and right and then leaving them on the table! They definitely should have provided everyone with a Tin Cup on Twine upon arrival.
Gigi recently posted..Im getting more wrinkle-y by the minute – I need your help!
If Nathan Fillion sends a pic with twine, who will be holding the cup? That is the question. I’ll vote for Conan O’Brien.
mrtl recently posted..This is the only item on my Christmas list
My husband just got back from sxswi (or whatever the interactive one is) and said the changeover from this conference to the music one was pretty funny—everyone went from a bunch of guys staring at their iphones as they walk down the street, to a bunch of scruffy-looking musician types. So, I guess we should assume that the interactive group are the uncivil ones.
And those are the most well-cleaned olive pits I’ve ever seen! Didn’t people get food there?
Fairly Odd Mother recently posted..Youve got a friend
I love random posts like this and indeed, just wrote a similar…and yet not quite as demented…post. There are two things I’ve gleaned…no wait! THREE…
1. Pistachios and olive pits arent the same
2. Eavesdropping is awesome
3. I should definitely fly to, is it Austin? And have lunch, or dinner, or drinks with you
Oh, and four…I actually own an ancient Chinese cocaine spoon…don’t use it anymore though…I mean, I have kids and stuff now
Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted..In which she had an impact … in memoriam
If you were never allowed out of the house then we’d never have something to talk about.
#justsayin
Jessica recently posted..the asshole inside my head
The pinworm thing? Agreed. I’d traded in my infected baby and got a BETTER one…ha ha sucker who got my old baby !!
Sarah !! Your comment is fabulous. It tickled me immensely.
I’m begging you – and I’m not even ashamed to beg – will you please sell that t-shirt? Everything would be so much less complicated.
I dunno, when I think of James Franco, I assume he smells, and not of buffalo… And I second or third the please sell that t-shirt. You could seriously make a ton of cash….
Dana recently posted..Spring Break Is Trying To Make Me Fat
Please make the “I’m sorry for disappointing you” shirts available online as soon as possible.
John B recently posted..the solo no go
I have been up since 3 am… so I’m in that giddy sick to my stomach portion of the day… soon to be followed by the grouchy biotch section of my day… I am sitting here in the dark drinking my coffee trying to stifle my laughs so my monkeys don’t wake up… thank you for the laughs this morning… i’ll try to remember my giddiness when the dragon lady makes her appearance later today:)
Know what’s worse than damp pistachios? Finding an m&m in your coat pocket when you’re desperate for a chocolate fix. You toss it in your maw and chomp down only to find it’s an advil. Blech.
Elly Lou recently posted..Like a Margarita on a Mexican Beach- But Different
Ironically I choked on an olive whilst laughing at this.
This confirms that I want to spend a day with you.
In public.
Because you are my kind of people.
Steph recently posted..If the Hyatt Calls- Ive Never Seen Their Towels Before in My Life What Missing Towels throws towels in dryer aka Part II of When I Did Chicago
What the hell is SXSW anyway? I need a physical location and time. lol
momiss recently posted..Dirty word substitutes
This entire post had me cracking up! I wish when I was drinking that I could focus enough to remember what was coming out of my mouth; probably some pretty interesting (and brilliant) stuff!
Civility is stupid. We’re Americans!
the muskrat recently posted..912 days without a golden shower!
You know, if you threw a party and didn’t have any appetizers you could totally put out a bunch of olives and then gather up the pitts and then offer them as moldy pistachio nuts. That’s right, 2 appetizers out of 1! How AWESOME of a hostess would you be then, it wouldn’t even matter that you were curled up in a little ball on the floor rocking back and forth, wig askew.
Kimmy recently posted..Lepidopterology
I’m new to the website world and I just finished making mine after weeks of grueling typing labor. Jenny, I’d love to link your blog if you’re down.
Can you please make the tshirt “I’m sorry for disappointing you”?
I REALLY need it. Maybe one for every day of the week. Like underwear!
Alex@LateEnough recently posted..My iPhone Is Mean To Me
Pistachio Pits? Like the world isn’t confusing enough.
Phoenix Rising recently posted..Nothing Says I Love You More Than A Good Old-Fashioned Esophagus Burning
Overheard: “That girl Jenny just ate my pit-spit. Twice.”
Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted..My intelligence is limitless
ACK! That’s like passing around a bowl of wings & another bowl for the bones; peer into the bowl of bones and saying, ‘Ooo, jerky!” Wine will do that to a girl. LOL.
Lady Estrogen recently posted..Im Not Perfect
Seriously, I think every parent out there needs to order one of these for their children. The Bloggess, thank you for existing.
John B recently posted..the solo no go
I just threw up in the tin can held by twine around my neck because I read one too many comment about olive pits resembling pistachios. fuzzy? ew. I may never eat pistachios again.
Elizabeth Newlin recently posted..Homophobic Or I’m Just a Loon The Latter
In response to the warning never to google pinworms…well, I have to now. Thanks a bunch. I’m sure this will ruin my day. And totally justify walking away from any baby who gets them. For that matter, I think I’ll steer clear of babies altogether – you just never know.
Kitten Thunder’s Girl recently posted..Thunder in My Drawers
You know what’s worse than mistaking olive pits for pistachios? Mistaking big black olives for big purple grapes (the salad bar and restaurant were poorly lit; I should sue). I cannot begin to tell you how much olives do NOT taste like grapes, and how very freaked out you are until you’ve figured out that you’ve put an olive, not a diseased hell-grape, in your mouth.
Betty Fokker recently posted..Well- isn’t THIS interesting
I wonder how many germs where on one pit? You should probably get tested.
I love the shirts – toddler size cracks my shit up. Maybe you could do some for dogs too? Mans best friend and all … You know it’s only because they are afraid of disappointing him AGAIN. That’s why I love dogs … They actually GET it and choose to forget.
Seriously – I need a visit to Texas girl!
K
Kristy – where’s my damn answer recently posted..The Help…
–>I had a dream last night that *I* was collating papers with Wil Wheaton. Then I heard Stand By Me but realized it was just my husband snoring.
WebSavvyMom recently posted..Im Proud To Be A Step-Monster
What’s a civility luncheon? Sounds kinda snooty.
katdish recently posted..Permission to laugh
Crowds are scary on the same level as circus clowns. Though I think it’s worse if it’s a crowd of people you actually know. Then they expect great things from you. That shirt is perfect. Gotta have one.
Heather C recently posted..Addendum to my whiny Monday crappola
OH, I would have gone in an INSTANT if I had a reliable car… I live in Beaumont – but 5 hours in my rust-on-wheels would have ended in disaster. An hour from home is lucky!
Toddler sizes?!?!? GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dana recently posted..Spring Break Is Trying To Make Me Fat
I literally lol’ed at the shirt slogan. Sign me up for two tee-shirts. Instead of using words to communicate, my husband and I could just point to our chests and shrug. They will also be handy when my children get older and realize that I screwed them up in my parenting. (I’m not trying to screw them up, but I probably am doing something wrong…)
Johi recently posted..105 things that demonstrate how I am completely unreasonable
I know what I want for Mother’s Day. For V-Day, I got a “Write like a mother fucker” mug. In combination, the T-shirt and the mug will tell people everything they need to know about me, so they can walk away before they get involved.
Sarah P recently posted..Mommy needs her hurty bump pills
Why do all you people think James Franco tastes like buffalo? He obviously tastes like pot. Dirty, dirty pot. Did you see him at the Academy Awards? Does he ever bathe?
I, too, need a “Sorry for disappointing you” shirt. I might have to add in Sharpie “almost as sorry as I am for disappointing myself.”
When I type LOL I am not Lauging OUT LOUD.
But I did when I read about the pistascios.
disclaimer: I just scrolled up to copy how to spell then: pistachios.
Ericka Basile recently posted..Meet Mike Andre at Naples FL Apple store demo iPad 2 RED BONO
you really should have thrown the olive pits to the ground and probably stomped on them. I believe they were part of a much larger evil plot.
clevelandpoet recently posted..The shaving
They totally DO look like pistachios! At first I was all “how does she confuse those? I mean, I know she was sloshed, but…” and then I saw your picture, and I stand/sit at my desk corrected. Also, I really dig those shirts. I should buy one for every day of the week. Also also, the fact that the toddler link goes to a product called “infant organic creeper” made me laugh. Creeper. Awesome.
I just love that they are trying to educate you about anything while serving adult beverages, because who will be able to remember shit?
Mary recently posted..Cupcake Red Velvet
do exasperating chin hairs count as facial hair cuz i’d like to go and fit in at sxsw.
pattypunker recently posted..my spring vacation alternative title- my advice to tampon makers
And now I have to do another FreshDirect order because I am craving those vibrant green olives.
Thanks sooooo much.
RealMommyChron recently posted..Like Sands Through the Hourglass
They would be cuter if they were pistachios with moustachios. You know it’s true.
You are clearly just too awesome for a Civility lunch.
Penbleth recently posted..Where have you been hiding
Another good tee shirt–”Start fresh with another baby, I say.”
Susan recently posted..How to Achieve Television Nirvana Through Dancing With the Stars- American Idol and Surviror- Part One
I think the only way the tin cup is water proof is if you have a sealed lid on top.. but then it loses its convenience. Your call, though.
1. No one has ever invited me to any function having anything to do with civility. Either I am already as civil as a Victorian English butler or I’m hopelessly rude. Fuck if I can tell which one, though.
2. Olive pits look just like pistachios to me when I’m not wearing my “I need to see up close” glasses. Or when I’ve had just a little too much wine: vaguely green and fuzzy.
3. “This is why context is important”. That, and memory. I tend to lose what little I have of that (and inhibition) when I’ve had just a little too much wine. Taking notes helps with the memory thing if I remember to do it. For the other, I just get in trouble. (Maybe I’ve found an answer to #1.)
How are you?
Jami recently posted..Sharing is caring
OMG! I was at SXSW this weekend, too!
(When I say “at” I mean that I was in Austin visiting my college son and took an ill-advised cruise down Congress amongst the hairy revelers. I was totally the gawky mom staring from within the politically incorrect SUV. I could have used that T-shirt in bumper sticker form.)
P.S. Um, am I the only one who wants to know more about the “pleasuring your man while texting” conversation?
Those look like pistachios to me, too. Eeeew.
I’m confused about the texting while sexing. Or maybe I’m just not that coordinated.
Kernut the Blond recently posted..How A Panicky Lemming Prepares For Major Disasters
I once mistook a box of dates for chocolate, which was HORRIFYING, but at least they hadn’t been in anyone else’s mouth. That I’m aware of.
*shudder*
SisterMerryHellish recently posted..I Have No Idea What I’m Talking About
You were tweeting during a conversation when they were talking about how it’s rude to tweet.
I once laughed at the funeral for my husbands Great-Aunt and mimicked her saying, “Help me, I’m not dead!”
If it helps, we weren’t close to her and my husband did laugh.
Shit, I’m going to straight to hell aren’t I?
Melissa recently posted..Saturday Update
So weird… I have a bag of pistachios on my desk right now. And your olive pits do kind of look like them. Except mine aren’t so… gnawed.
Katie @ Domestiphobia.net recently posted..Weekly Goals and Paninigasms You Heard Me
You’re right. Those do look like pistachios.
But did they address keeping your cell in your ass crack? I don’t have a clear answer on this one.
This shirt would have made almost my entire life less difficult, not to mention it gives people fair warning. Then really they can only blame themselves because they didn’t walk away.
See Dad? It IS all your fault.
Cat recently posted..King Bampa
I love pisstachios, but they cost a lot, but I can’t quit buying them. I guess the pits kind of look like shelled pistachios, but I always see them in a shell.
I bet those “pistachios” would for a lot of money on ebay if you were the ones that ate them. And I would buy that tee shirt in bulk!
Meant “one” that ate them. Or ones, cause of the multiple personality thing if you want to go with that.
Tanya recently posted..The End
Who ate all those freakin olives? Why did they leave the pits? They are the best part of the olive.
Every time someone coolly abbreviates it to SXSW I have to fight the urge to stab them with a fork.
Just saying.
v recently posted..MARKET MONDAY- Crimson Moth closed to submissions
I’m just cracking up that you – The Bloggess – got invited to a civility luncheon thingie.
That being said, I depserately need a “Sorry for Disappointing You” t-shirt for the next time I visit my parents …
James Franco’s arm tastes like elegance and despair. You eat his arm and you’re semi-disgusted, but you also admire him for letting you eat it, and just as that feeling is happening to you, you start to think, “He’s got all be privilege of the rich and beatiful, he doesn’t DESERVE two whole arms.”
James Franco’s arm tastes like self-loathing.
You eat about 3,000 calories worth of James Franco’s arm and call your mother. She tells you you’ve always been a bit of a disappointment. You look at James Franco’s half-eaten arm lying on the floor, wipe your face with your sleeve and eat the rest of his arm.
James Franco’s arm tastes like an existential tantrum.
Jenny, I’d like one of those shirts, but I need it to say “I am GOING to disappoint you.”
Also, I cannot stress enough that James Franco meat tastes like spiral cut baked honey ham. Please don’t ask me for specifics on this.
highlyirritable recently posted..The Heart of the Matter
It would be so special if The Bloggess could execute another flawless Wheaton Maneuver and get James Franco to send a picture of himself, chewing his own arm.
Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted..An Asshole in a Top Hat- I AM NOT- sir!
Holy shit. Did you put those “pistachios” in your mouth? Now, YOU probably have pinworm! You should have induced vomiting immediately… Oh the joys of a civility luncheon!
Renee recently posted..REAL women inspire REAL Art
This is precisely why I always buy either pitted or stuffed olives. It eliminates any confusion when you are half way into your third martini and beginning to feel more civil toward strangers of the opposite sex than is prudent or would likely be tolerated by your spouse. It prevents you from offering the object of your newly imbibed civility a damp pistachio, thus derailing the whole enterprise. There is a Japanese term for this that has become part of the lean enterprise lexicon. That is ‘poka-yoke’, which translates loosely as ‘idiot proofing’. Wish I had known this shit when I was your age.
Jonah Gibson recently posted..Entitlement
“Civility luncheon?!” YAWN. Thank God you were there to provide a counter-example. They should’ve paid you to attend.
Can you have a Bloggess Fan Club conference?
Steph recently posted..If the Hyatt Calls- Ive Never Seen Their Towels Before in My Life What Missing Towels throws towels in dryer aka Part II of When I Did Chicago
As long as the twine for the tin cup is quite long, you wouldn’t want it right under your chin…would you?
Then it would feel like a spittoon and I really think we need to stop promoting chewing tobacco.
I have teenagers, how about a Tee with “I’m NOT sorry for embarrassing you?” I would so come to a Bloggess Fan club conference. @Steph: you are a genius.
Laurie F. recently posted..The World Is A Scary Place
Bloggess Fan Club meet-up? They’re looking for something to do with the Astrodome in Houston. It seats like eleventyhundred thousand which sounds about big enough for the BFC. However many it is, I’m there. Well, I live right outside Houston so I AM there and I’d be there for the BFC conference, too.
Jami recently posted..Sharing is caring
http://www.sorryfordisappointingyou.com would be an excellent blog site, and FYI to any blogger looking for a starting place, I believe the domain name is available.
TQND recently posted..Avoiding Reality
People please their men while texting? Damn. Their sex lives must be boring.
Thank you for the shirts Jenn. I will wear it at every social gathering. People need to be warned.
Jessica Rolin recently posted..A 360 turned 180
I would like James Franco with a side of pistachios. Your mind is running forever all over the place…awesome…so NOT a disappointment.
Jeane recently posted..The SIBS- Rule 1…Tell and Die!
I’m a radio personality and am ordering one of your “Sorry for disappointing you” t-shirts. I’ve wanted one FOREVER. I’m never tall/pretty/cute/short/blonde/brunette/perky/nice enough for the people that I meet.
You do SO much good.
Victor is like so inconsiderate!
Screw the “sorry for disappointing you” tees…I want one that says ” Pistachios aren’t supposed to be damp.”
I am not sure why James Franco’s arm tastes of buffalo, but I can only imagine you’re right.
Also, could you put that T-Shirt slogan on a mirror for me? That might save me a lot of time.
Curiosity recently posted..Totally Random Giraffes are Stylish
For toddlers! Brilliant.
Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted..My intelligence is limitless
Having that t-shirt would save me so much goddamn time!
Brooke Farmer recently posted..I am in fucking love
Thank you so much for the t-shirt! Given the past two weeks though, I’m not sure but what a tattoo might be more cost effective in the the long run. (How much are tattoos anyway?) And, I have to really think about placement because with “I’m sorry I’m disappointing you,” placement could be everything.
I ate pistachios with worms in them; I’m still unable to eat a pistachio and that was at least two years ago. Love the shirt! I want to buy one for each of my friends and family, so two total!
elisa recently posted..I bought a gopher
“I’m sorry for disappointing you” boxer shorts – the perfect gift.
Ooooohhhhh prechewed olive pits!!! Gross! How is it even civil to have olives with pits at a luncheon? Then you have to look at those slobbery things for hours… nasty!
Brenna recently posted..A conversation with The Boy- who tells it like it is
p.s. pleasing your man while you are texting? It makes me want to gag. ( I so amuse myself.) And as you would say Jenny: “You’re Welcome.”
Laurie F. recently posted..The World Is A Scary Place
Holy shitballs! You live in Austin?!?!? I had no idea! I think I might just track you down so I can casually run into you one day and become BFFs with you and your foul mouthed, hilarious self. We both have six year olds so DUHHHHHH we should have been hanging out all this time already. Seriously, though, I’m tracking you down. Time to close your curtains, girl!
A lunch about online civility – that serves alcohol. Hopefully all the attendees were happy drunks…
Oh, and the whole “pleasing your man while texting” thing? I am sure it is *possible*, but – whatever would you be talking about? (Other than the obvious, in which case ewww.)
~EdT.
EdT. recently posted..WW- The Best Part of Waking Up…
LOL at the “overheard” yourself stuff. I get that COMPLETELY. I find myself standing outside of myself frequently (awkward sentence structure but you understand) listening to the crap pouring out of my mouth and thinking “why won’t that crazy bitch shut up?” I’m sure EVERYONE does this, right? No? Oh. Well, anyway, just last weekend we had an adult Purim party which for Jews is a time to PARTAY! Not that I was too drunk or anything but when the Rabbi asked if I was enjoying myself I enthusiastically yelled “FUCK YEAH” then raised my beer in a mock toast and proceeded to shot gun it down my throat. I should go to the next civility luncheon.
Lori stefanac recently posted..Southern Fried Zombies
Splendiferous Spontinuity Bloggess
i know that i probably SHOULD read all the comments..but my lunch break is only so long…but my point is this:
WHO IN THE FUCK THINKS THAT NON-PITTED OLIVES ARE “CIVIL”?
really? because nothing says manners, and charm, and class like spitting pits out into a communal bowl on a table…
and i guess you just have to *assume* that people at a civility luncheon all washed their damn hands after peeing or picking their nose, since everyone is touching everyone ELSES food….how that is “civil” is beyond me….
unless they were going for a civil *war* sort of thing..where everyone is starving and the yankees are comin, and all i got to eat are these here damn olives….fiddle dee dee….
I like the idea of the cup. It could also be used at SXSW for an emergency YouGoGirl. That is if you’ve got on a big skirt and have no shame.
Bodaciousboomer recently posted..Well- shit…
I wholeheartedly agree with Kelli that olives with pits do not equal civility. Personally I detest olives, I think they come from the devil’s own dingleberries, but in a perfect world, food would be ready to eat in polite company without any semblance of spitting whatsoever.
I was once at a business cocktail party, which in itself is difficult to believe, but I was, and I was talking to a refined lady who was tearing the torso off a shrimp with her teeth. Her dainty fingers were left holding the poor critter’s severed tail, which presented an inconvenience when a Big Shot Executive appeared on the scene and held out his hand to shake hers. She tossed the little shrimp tail into a nearby potted plant without missing a beat, and I have admired her since for her ingenuity, but in a CIVIL world she would not have been put in that position.
Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted..Thumbs and Gumption- Why I Eat Meat
man it’s too bad you chomped on those PISTACHIO POSING PITS when you could’ve been eating the olives..those are totally my fave and they’re damn expensive. in fact, you shoulda pocketed the bowl of ‘em…
stacebird recently posted..Analyzing the Industry of Journalism
Man it’s too bad you were focused on the PISTACHIO POSING PITS and missed out on the olives, those are totally my faves. Next time you’ll know and maybe you could pocket the bowlful for me?
stacebird recently posted..A Duel Between Two Non-Experts
You didn’t eat any of the pistachios, did you? Are you sure? I’m with you on the crowd thing.
Holly B recently posted..And ThenI Fell Into A Box
Sometimes, I think people don’t really notice spoons as much as I do, then I read your blog. I’m the odd person that takes pictures of seemingly random things to other people. http://cranialspasm.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/IMG_0550.jpg Seriously? Who would throw away a perfectly good heroin spoon?
Ali @Cranialspasm recently posted..The Tweet is a Lie
i’m a newbie commentor and all I really have to say is that you crack me up pretty much every single day I sit in my stupid cubicle at work and check your blog!! I know, not too original…but i’m new at this and I figured if I start small maybe I can get better.
thank you for your hilarity. it brightens my day, and the day of my coworker who I send links to your blog all the time.
cynthia recently posted..At Home Cheese Plates!!
Why on earth did I laugh so hard at ALL of this!? 1 -They don’t look like olives 2- I should wear that “disappoint” shirt to work on a daily 3-how are you supposed to talk about tweeting and not tweet? 4 – still laughing. that is all.
Camesha recently posted..Peer Pressure
I think James Franco’s arm probably tastes like a dragon fly because he had a gekko walking by and staring at him for half of that movie. I would NOT, however, like to know why in blue fu*k they decided to “nearly” add a masturbation scene in that movie.
W. T. F.
Brian recently posted..My Doomsday Cult Cave will have a Welcome-Goodbye mat
I went to SXSW about a hundred years ago when I was young and foolish and was o.k. with being wedged into tight places to see loud bands and drink and smoke as much as humanly possible. It was pretty fun, if you like that sort of thing.
But now I’m old and like my quiet and dislike close proximity to people who don’t seem like they bathe on a regular basis.
But man, I still miss smoking.
Suniverse recently posted..Just Like Martha Stewart Would Make- Were She to Sully Herself By Using Condensed Soup
i am getting one of those t-shirts for each day of the week.
1. You handle being out in public 50 times better then I would. I would just nodd and smile like a goon at everything being said in my general direction.
2. You are responsible for almost everytime I run into my husband’s office screaming incoherently about something he’ll never understand. And why he sks to smell my breath for liquor at 4:11 in the afternoon….wait what were we talking about?
Oh yeah
3.I want/need one of those shirts. And I’m a little sad about James Franco’s arm tasting like buffalo, sigh.
4. I can’t believe I posted a numbered comment, but it makes it feel offical-like.
Lyd recently posted..Vegan Family Meals Book Review
Please don’t. Make me pee. With laughter. KTHKSBAI.
Jackie recently posted..Dipped in Awesome Sauce
Those are the pistachioest olive pits I’ve ever seen.
alonewithcats recently posted..By not being on Facebook- I’m robbing past and future exes of the satisfaction of defriending me
This confirms it. I sooooo want to sit at your table at a wedding reception. Can’t wait to see what you do to the bride’s family!
linda@adventuresinexpatland.com recently posted..Misty March Morning
A sighing husband is a good husband.
Shelley recently posted..Welcome
“Disclaimer: Does it count as “overheard” if you’re overhearing yourself say it to other people? How about if you’re only saying it to see how eavesdroppers will react? I say yes to both.”
LOL God…You sound like me in public. The best is when the bizarre/inappropriate things you say in public are actually a legit part of the conversation. I pay attention to when people are eavesdropping my conversations, and then I purposely say those things louder so they can hear them. Faces are PRICELESS.
Theresa E. recently posted..Patience please!
i can relate to this post in 2 ways:
- i think megan fox tastes like cigarettes and nickles. similarly i can also imagine james franco’s arm tasting like buffalo, but only if you add a little bleu cheese to it. also, not the spicy kind but the really sweet mild bbq kind
- my husband had never had edamame before so at a party i (drunkenly) forced him to try some and was appauled when his response was ‘eh…they’re kinda bland’. i proceeded to insult him and then realized i had been feeding him the empty pods from the discard pile. sorr bout the stranger saliva, hon.
i can relate to this post in 2 ways:
- i think megan fox tastes like cigarettes and nickles. similarly i can also imagine james franco’s arm tasting like buffalo, but only if you add a little bleu cheese to it. also, not the spicy kind but the really sweet mild bbq kind
- my husband had never had edamame before so at a party i (drunkenly) forced him to try some and was appauled when his response was ‘eh…they’re kinda bland’. i proceeded to insult him and then realized i had been feeding him the empty pods from the discard pile. sorr bout the stranger saliva, hon.