The Bloggess

Throwback Thursday

February 13, 2014in Random Crap

So, apparently there’s this thing called “Throwback Thursday” where you can just post any old picture of yourself and not actually have to write anything, and I was like, “THAT IS THE LAZIEST THING EVER AND IT’S LIKE IT WAS MADE EXPLICITLY FOR ME.”

Here is a picture of me, age 8:

My little sister, Lisa, is also in the picture. We’re picking cotton in fields that surrounded our house. This is what real cotton looks like before it’s processed and turned into underwear. Real cotton is full of seeds and stems which ruin everything. Much like marijuana. And after you pick it you have to dump it into big trucks and go cotton-stomping. That’s when you jump on a giant truck of cotton to smush it so that you can fit more cotton in it. It sounds way funner than it is because the cotton is still filled with scratchy seeds and pointy stems. It’s like jumping on a trampoline covered with splinters, or in a giant pit of cotton candy that has a bunch of angry hornets in it.

Hang on. I thought I wasn’t supposed to have to write a post here. Why is this so long? I’m doing this wrong.

Fuck.

Never mind. You know what? This is a picture of me and my sister holding marshmallows. The end.

Some people say that drinking from a slipper is a great honor. They probably weren’t drinking Mountain Dew out of an Ugg though.

February 10, 2014in Random crap

Whenever I don’t have enough cup holders in my car I just take off a shoe and stick a drink in the ankle hole because a shoe makes a surprisingly stable extra cup holder. Except, that is, for when the cup apparently has a slow leak in it and then you end up walking into the house with several drinks and a dripping shoe full of Mountain Dew, and your husband is all, “What happened to your shoe?” and you’re like, “YOUR DRINK LEAKED IN IT” and then he gets all crappy because “WHY ARE YOU BLAMING ME? WHY WAS IT MY DRINK?” and you explain that you certainly wouldn’t put your own drink inside a shoe so obviously it’s his and then he gets pissed because he suddenly realizes that all of his take-out drinks have been carried about in shoes. But technically his drinks are insulated by my shoes and so they stay cold longer. If anything, he should be thanking me.

And apologizing for leaking in my shoes.

And getting me some more cup holders.

The man needs to prioritize, for God’s sake.

If wishes were horses then there would be a lot more shit in the street.

February 9, 2014in Random Crap, weekly reruns

I made this chart in 2008 and then it got lost it in my draft folders and I just found it again, but I kind of worry that maybe I’ve posted it before and just forgot to delete it from drafts. But I don’t want to not post it, just in case I’ve never posted it before, but I’m fairly sure as soon as I post it I’ll remember that I’ve already posted it.

And this is how this whole week has been.

*******************

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means its time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed in my shop (Named “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

It’s sweet and also insulting, so you have all your bases covered.
Your suitcase will yell at people so you don’t have to. Also works on purses, babies, spouses, coffee mugs and lunches that keep getting stolen at work.

What you missed on the internets:

Kick-ass stuff I pinned. (Related: Is there a way to block shit on Pinterest? Because I don’t want to see how many sit-ups I need to do or how to paint my nails or how to cook things in a cuter way than I’m already not cooking them. I want there to be a front page that’s just cats falling and Doctor Who and things that make me go “Well, maybe.” Why doesn’t that exist? Someone make that, please.)
YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER.

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by The Canary Suicides (mild trigger warning). I’m a giant fan of her work, and all of her taxidermied canaries died of natural causes. You need to go look at her stuff now. Her pieces are meditations on captivity, miniature embodiment, the pet as fetish, and the relationship between death and delight. Artist/taxidermist Catherine Coan was a judge on AMC’s Immortalized, a competitive taxidermy television program and is currently at work on larger taxidermy assemblage pieces including griffins, a carnivorous deer, and a flying hyrax. (Finished pieces and commissions available.)

All I want for Christmas is a drawer of sheep

February 6, 2014in Random Crap

So, apparently this Spanish artist (Oscar Tusquets Blanca) decided to make some taxidermied sheep tables because WHO WOULDN’T WANT THAT?

It's supposed to be a telephone table but I think it's better used as a small baaaaaar. (Shut up. I can't help myself.) — It’s supposed to be a telephone table but I think it’d better used as a small baaaaaar. (I’m so sorry. I can’t help myself.)

I was intrigued, but then I noticed that were each $80,000 and then I fell off my chair and hit my head on my desk, and I considered suing Oscar for damages. It’s just a small bruise but it’s probably worth about $80,000 if that’s how we’re pricing things now. Then I remembered that my dad is a professional taxidermist and my grandfather is a professional carpenter and my parent’s neighbors have pet sheep so daddy could just go shear a bunch of them in the dead of night and then no lambs would have to die (unless they died from being too cold because my dad stole their coats ) and my mom and my sister both know how to design and sew clothes so they could just knit coats for the naked sheep and this just turned into a family affair and OH MY GOD, THIS IS PERFECT AND NOW I KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.

That, or $80,000. I could go either way.

(Hat-tip: Neatorama.)

Fuck you, Ms. Johnson.

February 5, 2014in Random Crap

Today I’m working on my book, which I’ve been struggling with because of what my shrink labels as “Imposter Syndrome” and what I more accurately label as “The Horrors of Brain Constipation.” Regardless, today I’m going to attempt to write my ass off and I’m doing it with the help of my personal theme song. I’ve shared this here before, but if you’re anything like me and you need a kick to stop telling yourself that you suck then you might need this again: (Put on your headphones)

Pull out those shrink-dinks, people. We’ve got work to do.

Strangest search terms of the week

February 3, 2014in Random Crap, You people scare me and I sort of love it.

Once again, the strangest things people were searching for last week that brought them to thebloggess.com:

“ivaginated penis” (I don’t…what?)

“does pegasus really exist?” (Yes! But they’re made of plastic zebras and leftover pieces of cows and geese. So, I guess, no. Never mind.)

“I lost an hour.” (It’s probably daylight savings time. Or alien abduction. Or daylight savings time invented to cover up a mass alien abduction.)

“How high is Tony Danza?” (Um…five foot nine. Assuming that’s what you’re asking.)

“Why does my cat sniff my eyes?” (You’re not alone.)

“disney epcot donkey for sale” (Eeyore?)

“If a girl phones a guy and wazzupps him and he doesnt respond what should she do?” (Probably stop saying “wazzupp.”)

“Sending dick pic to someone and then pretending it was an accident.” (Mr. Weiner, you need help. No one is falling for this shit.)

“Real sightings of God” (Wow. And you found yourself directed here. I am so, so sorry.)

“Dreaming about making out with yourself” (That’s not normal. Unless you’re David Tennant. Then it’s weird, but understandable.)

“Can using meth cause ear infection” (I think you’re doing meth wrong.)

“how to make a homemade nipple stretcher” (Hang on. Like, a stretcher for nipples that need to go to the hospital, or a tool to stretch out your nipples? Either way, I ‘m confused. Are enormous nipples good? Honestly, I don’t even know what kind of nipples are in this year. Now I’m feeling all self-conscious about my nipples. Great. Then again, my mom always said, “Fads come and go. Just wait long enough and it’ll come into fashion again.” I’m assuming that goes for nipples as well.)

“How to say hello to your muslim neighbor” (Pretty sure you just answered your own question.)

“When can I punt my dick in?” (Please, God, tell me that’s a typo.)

“Accidental lesbian caught” (I didn’t even know we were looking for her.)

“Albino feces after meth use” (Speechless.)

“carnival people who swap blood” (You people are just fucking with me now.)

“vagina punch” (Like, punching a vagina…or a drink made from vagina? Either way, I think I’m out.)

“Is planting a st joseph statue witchcraft?” (More like Vague-Catholicism. But, speaking from experience, it doesn’t work. Burying Saints, that is. I have no idea if Catholicism works.)

“fucking bitch” (It’s a bit disconcerting that this exact term brought you here. THANKS, GOOGLE.)

“which end of the banana is the satan’s anus?” (I’ve always referred to the bottom of the banana as the “bananus.” Is that the same thing?)

“How to find a dead squirrel in attic.” (First you get a squirrel…)

“cat yells at me for not answering phone” (I hate to side with cats, but you shouldn’t have given him a phone if you weren’t going to answer his calls.)