The Bloggess

Hey.  You know how sometimes you feel very alone because so many of the people in your real life are alarmingly normal and never have picnics in cemeteries or dress up taxidermy in Victorian clothes or are just not generally fucked up in the same way that you are?   Me too.  And that’s why today we’re making friends.

In the comments, leave your link to your twitter or Facebook or blog and tell us who you are in a sentence or two.  Share as little or as much as you want.

Here I am:

I’m @thebloggess on facebook, twitter, instagram and I am into dark humor, true crime and I want to be an otter when I grow up.  I am not good at life and often disappear because of my depression and anxiety.  I am too empathetic, I collect creepy dolls, I love horror and reading, I make tiny houses when I’m in anxiety spirals so I make way too many of them and then leave them in parks for kids (or spiders) to find. I once tried to rescue a decapitated human head.  I am often terrified and I am super weird and I am totally okay with that.  I can never pass this at the grocery store without making it into a very loud Lionel Richie song:

Your turn.

PS. To make it easier let’s use a hashtag on twitter today to find each other.  How about #letsbefriends?

PPS.  I totally knew it was Billy Ocean.  I was just testing you.

PPPS.  That’s a lie.  I’m a liar.

Last month I started sharing on twitter the weirdest thing that Amazon recommended to me each day and it’s a bit of a vicious circle because I look at strange shit and then Amazon is like, “Oh, is that what you’re into, weirdo?” and then it recommends more weird shit and then the people who click on my links get bizarre recommendations that they give to me and I click on them and then those things are recommended and then suddenly it’s all “Hey, you forgot to order those funeral potatoes and gummi dildos you were looking at” or, “You like to build wooden kits…you should build your own coffin,” which seemed a bit threatening but then a few days later they recommended building a corpse so I can at least appreciate the theme.

Still, the weird suggestions just keep on coming and I keep wondering what kind of weirdo would buy this stuff and turns out Amazon knows me better than I know myself because…

PS. The actual recommendation was for cat socks, which you would think would be socks with cats on them but instead are tiny socks that look like cat paws (that you slip on your chair legs so they don’t scratch the floor, I guess?) but they also perfectly fit the cats, who pulled them all off immediately except for Hunter S. Thomcat who naturally has cold paws and was surprisingly pleased about the whole situation.

PS.  Here’s the whole collection in one spot in case you’re looking for beast legs or hot glue guns for cheese.

me: You know how giants always say, “I’ll grind your bones to make my bread”?  Who makes bread out of bones?  If you’re going to eat a person it seems like that should be a meat dish.  Unless maybe the giant is on a low carb diet and all he can think about is bread?  Either way, it’s going to be terrible bread and the giant is going to be very disappointed.  But maybe that’s why he’s so angry…because he keeps fucking up bread and he’s starving and I totally get it because I’ve been eating low-carb for almost a year and it’s a shit show.  Unless…hang on…is flour made of bones?  Is that why it’s white?  Because I never thought of it before but I don’t know what flour is made of.  You never see an acre of flour growing in fields.  Is it just crushed bones?  Oh my God, do vegetarians know about this?

Victor:  Please stop.

PS. I decided to look up “What is flour made of” because this blog is nothing if not educational and google says “white flour is made from the endosperm only” and that seems gross but the color makes sense, I guess?  But it also says that “whole-wheat flour combines all three parts of the wheat berry” and I grew up around wheat fields and I’ve never seen any berries.  Conclusion:  Google is drunk and is probably the same person who gave that giant the human-flesh-makes-great-bread recipe.

Have you used Electric Literature’s automatic male novelist description generator to see how a male author would describe you?  Because it’s quite awesome.

Here’s mine:

“She had curves like a juicy bedsheet and I shuddered to correct her.”

Nailed it.

I’m up and down this week but I’m trying to stay up because I have work to do and I need to keep myself from falling into the hole of depression.  One of the things that save me are books.  So can you help?  I need funny books.  Ridiculous, hysterical, silly…

Tell me the funniest book you ever read.  Pretty please.