The Bloggess

It’s 2am and I’m only half awake because of all the sleeping pills but I just had a million dollar idea and if I put it on the internet no one can steal it, plus I’ll remember it in the morning.

STRAWBERRY GRAVY.

That is all.

 

UPDATED: 6am:  WTF, me?  This is exactly why you’re not allowed to blog at 2am.

Our 16-year-old cat looks like death warmed over.  The other day he sneezed a tooth at me and looked at me like “Is this what’s it come to?”  He’s also allergic to himself and is full of snot.  AND LOVE.  Also, I want to point out that I took him to the vet several months ago to put him down and the vet was like “You want to murder your cat?  Because he’s fine.  He just looks shitty.”  I’m paraphrasing.  Then he gave me some meds that are supposed to make Posey look less Gollum-like but they totally aren’t working.

Conversation I had with Victor about Posey:

Victor:  I think Posey is ready to go visit Jesus.

me:  He’s fine.  He’s just…tired.

Victor:  You aren’t doing him any favors.  He looks like he wants me to suffocate him out of pity.

me:  HE’S FINE.  He’s 112 in people years.  Pray you look that good when you’re 112.

Victor:  I’ll be begging you to kill me with a hammer at 112.

me:  Touch my cat and I’ll get out the hammer now.  He’s fine.  He’s eating, drinking, pooping, peeing and loving.  He’s still doing the 5 “ING”‘s.   Some days we don’t even have a healthy balance of “ING’s”.

Victor:  Are you saying our family is unbalanced?  Too much pooping, maybe?

me:  I was thinking not enough loving.  For our cat.

Victor:  And possibly too much drinking.  Right now.  Because this cat looks miserable and you’re drunk if think he looks happy.

me:  You know what?  He’s purring so loud I can’t even hear you.

Victor:  I think his purr is busted.  I’m pretty sure he’s trying to growl at the grim reaper following him around.

me:  He’s fine.  He’s gonna be around forever.  This cat has outlasted 4 cats and 2 dogs.  I think he might be immortal.

Victor:  I worry about you.

me:  PROVE DADDY WRONG, POSEY.  PROVE HIM WRONG.

Victor:  I’ll get the hammer ready.

PS.  People think I’m joking about Posey sleeping with his eyes open to watch out for death.

I’m not joking.

Victor:  Hey, Hailey’s school is showing Puss-N-Boots tonight for free.

me:  Best p0rn movie ever, right?

Victor:  Yeah, that’s exactly the kind of thing you can’t say if we go.

me:  I assume it goes without saying that it’s BYOB?

Victor:  If “it goes without saying” means “don’t even say that” then, yes, it goes without saying.

me:  Got it.  So I pack a flask.

Victor:  These are Hailey’s peers.  We should at least try to fit in as good parents.

me:  Fine.

Victor:  We wear normal clothes and pour a couple of smirnoff’s into empty water bottles.

me:  My God, I love you.

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In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Let’s get started, shall we? 

 

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

• Just make up your own meaning.  I think Victor does.

What you missed on the internets:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the lovely people at Minted.com, who make amazing paper goods, like wedding invitations and save-the-date announcements, and personalized journals.  If I was going to personalize my journal I’d put my friend Mary’s name all over it so that if I lost it she’d be the one arrested for all the arson I was planning.  Best. Arson Journal. Ever.