The Bloggess

UPDATED: Don’t let my hands falling off be in vain.

March 16, 2012in Let's Pretend This Never Happened, terrible titles

This isn’t a real post. It’s just a quick update.

Last week I looked at my list of people who’d signed up for one of the free 5,000 bookplates I’d autographed and I found out that there were actually 6,000 people signed up. Then I sighed deeply and called my publisher and asked if they could send me another thousand and a wrist brace and then they hesitantly told me that there had been a miscommunication and that the 5,000 bookplates I thought I’d autographed? Were actually 10,000 bookplates. Which explains why my right arm withered and fell off when I was done. But the good news is that my publisher still has a few thousand unclaimed bookplates so if you preorder your book by midnight tonight (March 16) make sure you sign up for the free bookplate. You can preorder your book and sign up for your bookplate right here. Also, if you’re preordering an electronic version of the book you can totally have a bookplate. Just stick it to the back of your reader.

PS. Picador just announced that they’re publishing my book in the UK. Yeehaw, Britain!

PPS. I haven’t heard if non-US publishers will going to offer bookplates, but I’ll keep you posted.

UPDATED: Matthew Broderick and his most baffling early birthday present ever:

matthew and thebooksmall — Better than twine.

EVERYBODY WINS

March 15, 2012in bizarre, blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated

Remember last month when my blog kept crashing whenever I got too much traffic? Well, turns out I needed a new dedicated server and all that junk, and I sort of vacillated on getting one because it’s more expensive. But then I got an email from a company who offered to sponsor my new server this year just because they’re awesome and are tired of my blog being down. They even asked that I not mention who they were, which is either because they’re just amazingly selfless or because they’re embarrassed to be associated with me. Possibly both, if they’re as smart as I suspect. Regardless, I adore them and they decided that not only would they help make the blog remain viewable to you all, but they also made you a present.

It’s a Beyonce-the-Giant-Metal-Chicken popsicle-stick puppet and it’s awesome.

Just click on the widget on my sidebar and it’ll let you print it out for free. Give it to your kid. Freak out the guy in the next cubicle. Decorate your office. Plus, they’re making more bloggess-style puppetry, so every week you can see what they’ve come up with next.

PS. Is this the most professional, least profanity-laden post I’ve ever written? Shit yeah it is.

Wil Wheaton’s house, I AM IN YOU

March 13, 2012in Random Crap

Victor and I are sitting in LAX, waiting for a plane that’s been delayed three times, but it doesn’t even matter because THIS HAPPENED:

collation — The man deserves a damn standing ovation. He settled for a slow clap.

And then I thought that collating looked like fun and so I took over for a minute, and while I was distracted Wil Wheaton pulled out something amazing:

PS. Victor said that “Wil Wheaton pulled out something” sounds sort of rude and lascivious so I offered to change it to “Wil Wheaton pulled something out of his drawers.” Then Victor told me to forget it. Because he’s unhelpful.

PPS. Also, there were horses. Me, Wil Wheaton, his lovely wife, Victor and ponies. Also, a giant metal chicken. It’s sort of a long story. More later if I don’t get distracted by pretty, shiny things.

PPPS. Did you know that in Pasadena you can buy anthropomorphic taxidermied bugs doing a tarot card reading? Because you can. Much to Victor’s chagrine.

And that’s how you know you’re in Texas

March 10, 2012in Random Crap

And that’s how you know you’re in Texas:

PS. My hat’s off to the kids of this town, who are either very respectful or are running much lower on white-out and imagination than I am:

historic bitch walk — I totally didn't do this. Mostly because I have respect for public property. And I didn't have any white-out.

*********

And since it’s Sunday it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

: Image by @onezumi: “The Bloggess Riding a Dapper Octopus with an Attack King Mini Yak Riding him Attacking an Evil Flying Cheeseburger While Holding Twine.”

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

Terrible Parenting Idioms For Our Times

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

Ghost Hunting

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Unicorn success club membership card stickers
Unicorn Success Club shirt
Juanita shirt

What you missed on the internets:

Ten Terrifying Questions
Kick-ass stuff I pinned.

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by Aunt Carla’s Boosh, which sounds like some sort of weird p0rn video, but is actually an oddly named comfort food of Old World Portuguese/European origin. Or perhaps the people at Aunt Carla’s are just fucking with us. Regardless, they will mail you a booshwurst sausage that that will keep you from ever turning vegan. It’s like magic. Check them out.

Unicorn Success Club

March 7, 2012in Random Crap

Yesterday Victor was trying to think up names for a new business. Something like “Systems-Integrity-Formula-Buzzword-Blah-Blah.” I don’t really know because I got bored and stopped listening. Instead I decided to help him out by coming up with some much more exciting names for his dangerously boring sounding new business.

me: How about…Dragonfire!

Victor: No.

me: The Dark Forces of Narnia.

Victor: That’s not even a real thing.

me: UNICORN. SUCCESS. CLUB.

Victor: What?

me: Because it’s for people who are successful and who like unicorns. OR for successful unicorns. I’ve just doubled your market.

Victor: No.

me: Are you shitting me? Because if you aren’t going to use “Unicorn Success Club” I am.

Victor: For what?

me: FOR UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB, that’s what. It’s for everyone in the world who’s confident enough to be in something called “Unicorn Success Club.” It meets the first week of Awesome. Our team mascot is a cougar.

Victor: Huh. You’d think it would be a unicorn.

me: Nope. Too obvious. It’s a cougar RIDING A UNICORN. But not by force. They’re friends and they work together for justice. Imagine getting attacked by a cougar…

Victor: I feel like I’m already there.

Me: Then? Imagine that it’s a cougar riding a unicorn of justice.

Victor: Right. You should make it breathe fire and shit diamonds.

me: Don’t be ridiculous. Fire-breathing cougars don’t exist. Plus, they’d singe the unicorns. That is a terrible idea. You are out of Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: I was never in Unicorn Success Club.

me: Everyone is in Unicorn Success Club…until they get thrown out. These are the rules of Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: So I got kicked out for having a bad idea? That’s pretty harsh.

me: No, you’re just suspended for two weeks for endangering the unicorns. If anything I’m being too lenient. But you can get back in early by doing something ridiculously awesome. Like rescuing lemurs, or describing Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind. Or similar. Whatever. We’re pretty flexible in Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: You know what? I’ll just wait my two weeks. Or forever. I’m leaning toward forever.

me: And that results in three week suspension. Waiting rather than doing something awesome just adds to your time.

Victor: Fine. I’ll make up my own club. It’ll be NINJA-RAMA 3000. Our mascot is a stallion with a bear’s head. Like a centaur, but with a bear. Filled with righteous fury.

me: That’s actually pretty bad-ass. Bonus points for creativity. You are back in Unicorn Success Club, and you just became a candidate for Double Unicorn Success Club.

Victor: I already regret asking this, but…

me: It’s a unicorn with two horns. A double unicorn. Twice as awesome. Looks like a big, deformed goat. Made of awesome. Still being ridden by a cougar. AN INVISIBLE COUGAR. Because they’re the most dangerous.

Victor: Just…please stop talking.

And then I stopped talking because apparently Victor wanted a moment of silence to ponder how mind-blowing it would be to see an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn. (Hint: It’s imponderable.)

And that’s when I realized that I might need to increase my medication, but also that my husband and I were destined to be together forever because there really isn’t anyone else weird enough help run Double Unicorn Success Club with me. And that’s one hell of a good realization.

And also a very, very weird one.

PS. As a result of actually finishing this post you are all now official members of Unicorn Success Club. Here is your t-shirt and your certificate of membership.

Dues are due the first of every whenever, payable to whatever charity or bar you prefer. Also, as members you can add anything you want to the charter or rule book. Please do so in the comment section.