Yesterday Victor was trying to think up names for a new business. Something like “Systems-Integrity-Formula-Buzzword-Blah-Blah.” I don’t really know because I got bored and stopped listening. Instead I decided to help him out by coming up with some much more exciting names for his dangerously boring sounding new business.
me: Because it’s for people who are successful and who like unicorns. OR for successful unicorns. I’ve just doubled your market.
Victor: No.
me: Are you shitting me? Because if you aren’t going to use “Unicorn Success Club” I am.
Victor: For what?
me: FOR UNICORN SUCCESS CLUB, that’s what. It’s for everyone in the world who’s confident enough to be in something called “Unicorn Success Club.” It meets the first week of Awesome. Our team mascot is a cougar.
Victor: Huh. You’d think it would be a unicorn.
me: Nope. Too obvious. It’s a cougar RIDING A UNICORN. But not by force. They’re friends and they work together for justice. Imagine getting attacked by a cougar…
Victor: I feel like I’m already there.
Me: Then? Imagine that it’s a cougar riding a unicorn of justice.
Victor: Right. You should make it breathe fire and shit diamonds.
me: Don’t be ridiculous. Fire-breathing cougars don’t exist. Plus, they’d singe the unicorns. That is a terrible idea. You are out of Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: I was never in Unicorn Success Club.
me: Everyone is in Unicorn Success Club…until they get thrown out. These are the rules of Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: So I got kicked out for having a bad idea? That’s pretty harsh.
me: No, you’re just suspended for two weeks for endangering the unicorns. If anything I’m being too lenient. But you can get back in early by doing something ridiculously awesome. Like rescuing lemurs, or describing Pink Floyd laser shows to the blind. Or similar. Whatever. We’re pretty flexible in Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: You know what? I’ll just wait my two weeks. Or forever. I’m leaning toward forever.
me: And that results in three week suspension. Waiting rather than doing something awesome just adds to your time.
Victor: Fine. I’ll make up my own club. It’ll be NINJA-RAMA 3000. Our mascot is a stallion with a bear’s head. Like a centaur, but with a bear. Filled with righteous fury.
me: That’s actually pretty bad-ass. Bonus points for creativity. You are back in Unicorn Success Club, and you just became a candidate for Double Unicorn Success Club.
Victor: I already regret asking this, but…
me: It’s a unicorn with two horns. A double unicorn. Twice as awesome. Looks like a big, deformed goat. Made of awesome. Still being ridden by a cougar. AN INVISIBLE COUGAR. Because they’re the most dangerous.
Victor: Just…please stop talking.
And then I stopped talking because apparently Victor wanted a moment of silence to ponder how mind-blowing it would be to see an invisible cougar riding a double unicorn. (Hint: It’s imponderable.)
And that’s when I realized that I might need to increase my medication, but also that my husband and I were destined to be together forever because there really isn’t anyone else weird enough help run Double Unicorn Success Club with me. And that’s one hell of a good realization.
Dues are due the first of every whenever, payable to whatever charity or bar you prefer. Also, as members you can add anything you want to the charter or rule book. Please do so in the comment section.
me: I figured, because it makes no sense. Why would she be singing a song that “sounds like she’s singing”? Either you’re singing or you’re not singing. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
Victor: No, that part’s right. But “the wild wind blows” is actually “a white winged dove”.
me: Ugh. That’s the part that I’m wrong about? What about “I went searching for an answer up the stairs and down the hall, and not to find the answer.” You just said you were searching for an answer and then in the same sentence you contradict yourself. It’s so confusing. It’s like Nikki Sixx is trying to confuse me.
Victor: Are you kidding me? It’s not Nikki Sixx. It’s Stevie Nicks.
me: I always think they’re the same person.
Victor: And that’s why you’re not allowed to talk about music anymore.
…..
And since it’s (almost) Sunday it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:
By @onezumi: "The Bloggess Riding a Dapper Octopus with an Attack King Mini Yak Riding him Attacking an Evil Flying Cheeseburger While Holding Twine."
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by my hilarious friend, Jill, better known as Scary Mommy. Her blog is fabulous and she now has a great book coming out that’s an honest (and terrifying) look at parenting. She and her book are better than ice cream. Check them out.
Karen: Or you could just start with “Hello”. Either way.
me: I’m too excited for greetings. I just made a new kind of lingerie for people who hate to wear lingerie. It’s a giant sleep shirt but it says “USE YOUR IVAGINATION“. Get it? Because it’s comfy and it’s telling people “I have a vagina“. Which is kind of sexy. And if your guy doesn’t like it it’s his fault for not having enough creativity. Because they need to use their imagination.
Karen: Wow.
me: I kind of want to buy one for everyone I know. Is that weird? Buying lingerie for people I don’t want to have sex with?
Karen: It’s…a little weird. You’re selling it in your store?
me: Yeah. AND for my model I used a guy who looks just like Chris Farley.
Karen: Um…why?
me: Because I like Chris Farley. Plus, every woman who looks at the picture will be like “Wow. I am totally going to look sexier than that guy in my ivagination shirt.” AND THEY WILL.
You will look way sexier than this guy. It's practically guaranteed.
Karen: You know what I’m thinking?
me: That I should totally start my own lingerie business.
Karen: You should…totally start your own lingerie business.
My friend April from Regretsy practically threatened to stab me in the face when she thought I’d outbid her on this insane taxidermied squirrel who is flashing his little squirrel nut-sack at the world. (Click the link. You need to see this shit.) I assured April that she was very off-base, as we were BOTH being outbid on it. I considered telling her we should pool our resources and just share the squirrel like recently divorced parents, but then I saw this little treasure:
Well, hello there.
And yes, at first I saw what you’re probably seeing….a strangely posed, non-nutsacked, extremely dead squirrel in a very unnatural position. And then I looked a little closer and realized that my current cell phone cover is cracked and that this would make a fucking fantastic replacement. Not just because it would be fuzzyy and ergonomic if I need to hold it against my shoulder, but also because it would hardly ever get lost in my purse, and no one would accidentally pick up my phone thinking it was theirs. Plus, when I put my phone on the table at restaurants it would just look like a squirrel was hanging out with me, and squirrels only hang out with cool people. And if I put my phone on vibrate the squirrel would buzz across the table like he was alive and growling.
It’s like the best accessory ever.
me, on my squirrel phone
PS. I probably should have waited until the bidding was over before I posted about this. Damn it, Jenny.
Updated to add: Nathan Fillion has said he most emphatically does NOT want to hold twine so please do not ask him. And it’s fine. He’s still great and Firefly being cancelled was one of the greatest travesties to happen to our generation. Also, this whole debacle lead to this bit of fried fantasticalness…
me: Sooo…Nathan Fillion is making me doubt my own existence.
Maile: Um…what?
me: I’ve been asking him for a picture of himself holding twine for almost a year now, and he refuses to acknowledge me or the thousands of other people asking for twine pictures.
Maile: Why exactly are thousands of people asking him for twine pictures?
me: EVERYONE loves that page. That page is why Wil Wheaton will be welcomed into heaven even if he starts murdering baby kittens for fun. And I thought it would be nice to have a Nathan Fillion-Holding-Twine picture as a bookend page to deter PR people who continue to send you the same pitch every 12 hours even though you keep asking them to remove you from their lists.
Maile: Got it. So you were doing this for America?
Maile: Wow. I don’t…even know how to respond to that. Sounds like ol’ Nater-Tater is afraid of commitment.
me: Exactly. Plus? That’s the best nickname in the world. I’m stealing that.
Maile: It belongs to the world.
me: JUST LIKE THE NON-EXISTENT PICTURE OF NATER-TATER HOLDING TWINE. So anyway, last week I got sad that Nater-Tater was still refusing to acknowledge my existence so I asked Simon Pegg for a picture of him holding twine.
me: We all love him. He’s Simon Pegg. But I needed to get his attention so I asked everyone to tweet “simonpeggholdingtwine” and it became a twitter trend WORLDWIDE for like eight and a half minutes.
True story, y'all.
Maile: That’s awesome. And…bizarre.
me: It gets weirder, because then SIMON PEGG TOTALLY SENT ME A PICTURE OF HIMSELF HOLDING TWINE. Except that all you could see was his hand holding twine and it wasn’t really proper twine, but still…the man tried. And then the internet rejoiced and Simon was named a God amongst men, but I still wondered why Nathan wouldn’t respond. And then this weekend I just gave up and said “@NathanFillion, should I just give up on my dream of you ever holding twine? Let a girl down gently.” And he said he was very sorry for disappointing his #1 super-fan.
Maile: Really?
me: No, of course not. He completely ignored me again. I mean, how hard is it to say “I’m allergic to twine,” or “I appreciate ignoring your pain.”
Maile: Maybe he’s just playing hard to get. Or maybe he just uses his twitter pictures for important things.
me: Yeah. Like when he put up that series of pictures showing how his rash was spreading. And once? He posted a picture of a fake dead cat with ketchup all over it.
Maile: You’re joking.
me: I’M NOT JOKING. THAT’S THE SAD, TERRIBLE TRUTH OF NATHAN FILLION. Then a few weeks ago one of my readers met him and asked why he wouldn’t do it and he said “Oh, I don’t do stuff like that.” And by “stuff like that” I assume he means “Anything awesome that makes people smile“. Which makes me sad for Nater-Tater. And sad for the world.
Maile: So what happened to the money you were going to spend on Nathan Fillion?
Maile: You know, maybe this is less about Nater-Tater’s inability to hold twine and more about his super-human ability to ignore people.
me: Like that’s his super power? You know, that would actually make sense because HE’S SO GOOD AT IT. I mean, the man is dedicated. I’ll give him that.
Maile: Ignoring you is his super-power. And twine is his kryptonite. And I think we just solved Nathan Fillion.
me: Yes, but understanding Nater-Tater doesn’t get me a twine picture to use to battle evil form letters. Unless…
Maile: Yes. I like where this is heading.
me: What if I just recognize the fact that Nathan Fillion has a damn passion for ignoring people and – instead of using a picture of him holding twine to ward off marketers – I USE NATER-TATER HIMSELF. From now on, whenever I get a particularly harassing marketer who won’t take me off the list I’ll just tell them that they need to check with Nater-Tater because he approves all of my reviews. Then I get rid of the marketers and he gets to ignore me, plus TONS of new people. EVERYBODY WINS.
Maile: Oh. My. God. He is going to love you.
me: Not just me. EVERYONE. Got a telemarketer that won’t leave you alone? Tell them to call Nathan Fillion. Creepy neighbor won’t stop asking you to look at his suspicious back moles? Tell him he needs to ask Nathan Fillion first. Bill collector won’t stop calling? Tell them that Nater-Tater handles all of your finances. THIS COULD CHANGE LIVES.
Maile: Or really annoy Nathan Fillion.
me: Who, Nater-Tater? No way. If anything he’ll probably want to thank me.
Maile: With a picture of twine.
me: That man owes me.
PS. A special note to Nathan Fillion: As always, I adore you. It’s almost like you planned this on purpose. In fact, I suspect you did and that’s why I would like to thank you, Nater-Tater, for being the kind of man who forces me think so much larger than a simple twine shot. One tiny twine picture might have brought light and laughter to thousands of people for a few days, but this could bring me joy FOR YEARS.
PPS. Here is the fabulous picture of Simon Pegg holding twine, because I think it’s selfish to not share this with the rest of the world:
The man is a damn saint.
PPPS. Phrases now a permanent part of the bloggess lexicon:
Pulling a Nathan Fillion: Someone who refuses to play along with – or even acknowledge – your twine-based games. May cause you to doubt your own existence.
Being a Wil Wheaton: Like being an Eagle Scout of awesome. Surfing the cusp of weirdness in search of maidens to rescue. Except that I think “maidens” implies “virgins”. So change “maidens” to “unseemly wenches with hearts of gold”.
Throwing a Simon Pegg: Being an excellent sport even when completely baffled, because there’s simply no reason not to do something random and silly to bring joy into the lives of others.
Becoming a bloggess: Tenaciously taking a joke way too far for the sake of sheer ridiculousness. Might be considered dangerous. Approach with caution and a booze slushee.
UPDATED, day 2: I have given up on Nathan Fillion ever giving us a picture holding twine, but something happened a few minutes ago which gave me both hope and closure on this whole tumultuous year of vaguely pathetic begging…
Penn Jillette just sent us a picture of himself holding twine to help heal our pain. Unsolicited. With nothing asked for in return. Just a picture of himself holding (PROBABLY MAGICAL) twine simply to brighten our day with furious joy.
He makes it look so easy, doesn't he?
We all owe Penn Jillette a drink. Just lemonade though because the man never drinks booze. Conclusion: Penn Jillette is better than tacos and is saving us all money. Follow that man.
UPDATE #3: Is this the longest, most convoluted post ever? Probably. But it’s worth it because we’re almost done forever. So in the latest turn, the always awesome Simon Pegg has asked that we leave Nathan Fillion alone because it’s starting to get a bit insane even for us. I agree and I have apologized to Nater-Tater for bothering him and I have assured him that I will never ask him for twiney pictures again. Unless I’m really, really drunk. But then I felt a bit dejected and so I told everyone that instead we should really just concentrate on more important things, like helping homeless kids. And getting Jeri Ryan to hold a spatula. Then I immediately said I was just kidding about Jeri because I was really sort of ready for this to all be over and I didn’t have the strength to go into another year of asking one of my internet heroes for a picture of them doing something random for the sake of pure silliness.
And then something magical happened…
Jeri L. Ryan ~ Practically a gooddess.
And she wasn’t alone. Hundreds of people started sharing pictures of themselves standing randomly with their spatulas, and in a matter of minutes I was flooded such awesomeness I may have gotten a little teary. Also, Wil showed up again (with murderous spatula), proving that awesomeness is not just a fluke.
Wil Wheaton: "AAAAHHHHH IT CAME TO LIFE AND IT'S TRYING TO KILL ME!!!11"
This is the point where I would say something witty to wrap this whole thing up but I don’t feel witty. I feel grateful. Thank you to every single one of you, for listening, for not taking me seriously, for taking me just seriously enough, and for coming along on this ridiculous, furiously happy voyage with me.
Seriously. Thank you.
UPDATED FOR (I SWEAR TO GOD, PROBABLY) THE LAST TIME: Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better:
MATTHEW BRODERICK HOLDING A SPOON:
So. Fucking. Awesome.
And what’s even more awesome about this is that Matthew Broderick isn’t even on twitter and he still wanted me to have this because he reads this blog. Seriously, y’all. My cat’s namesake intentionally shared a picture of himself holding something random just to celebrate the weirdness. Best ending ever.
PS. Over $1200 was raised for homeless kids donated in honor of the amazing people who joined in the ridiculous silliness of this entire, strange saga. Thank you from me and from the 60 children who will each be getting a security blanket, stuffed animal and a book to make life a little less serious as well.
You rock. All of you.
UPDATED AGAIN BECAUSE I’M A LIAR ABOUT NOT UPDATING ANYMORE: Victor just woke me up to tell me that Brian Boitano had just tweeted me a picture of himself holding twine. Then he yelled “THAT’S WHAT BRIAN BOITANO WOULD DO” and then I realized it was probably the apocalypse because Victor was actually on twitter. And also because BRIAN BOITANO WAS HOLDING TWINE.
I bet he'd kick an ass or two. THAT'S what Brian Boitano would do.
UPDATE # I-DON’T-EVEN-KNOW-ANYMORE:
Matthew Broderick sees your twine and raises you a spatula and a confusingly-cooked egg.
I’d just like to add that for the most part everyone has taken this in the spirit in which it was written…as a silly, ridiculous post to remind us all to giggle a little bit more than we already are. A very, very small number of people (mostly all brand new to this blog) instead focused on “what an asshole Nathan Fillion is” or “what an asshole people who think Nathan Fillion is an asshole are.” I’d like to point out that both sets of people are wrong, as this amazingness could not have happened without Nathan Fillion’s actions, and I’d like to think that he somehow planned this all, because that way I can still watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along-Blog without feeling like Nathan Fillion now hates me. Sometimes you have to get ignored by Nathan Fillion to get a picture of Matthew Broderick holding a spoon. That’s just life. A terrible, terrible analogy for life.
But an apt one.
And that’s why I’d like to thank you, Nathan Fillion, for inspiring a post that brought laughter to so many. I hope it brings you laughter as well because it would make me very sad to think that anyone felt like less of a person just for something as silly as a twine picture. Strangely enough, I know how that feels, and I also know how it feels to be rescued from that sadness by someone else reaching out a hand (or spatula). And that’s why instead of asking you for a picture of you holding twine, I’m giving you one.
Of me.
Holding twine.
Thank you, Nathan Fillion. Wherever you are.
UPDATED TIMES ELEVENTY BILLION:
NEVER CHANGE, INTERNET.
UPDATED X I-don’t-even-know-anymore:
That's right. Sean Maher from Serenity. HOLDING TWINE. My work here is done.
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