The Bloggess

I have a problem

February 25, 2012in blogging about blogging again, Random Crap, weekly reruns

Conversation I had with Victor while Hailey was playing on the playground.

me: Does Hailey’s cup say “Vagina” on it?

Victor: Um. What?

me: Vagina. It looks like Hailey’s cup says “vagina” on it.

Victor: It doesn’t. Like, at all.

me: Well, I figured. But it looks like it.

Victor: No. No, it doesn’t.

me: Hang on. Let me take a picture from my angle.

Victor: Wow. That...totally looks like it says “vagina”.

me: Exactly.

PS. It actually says “Imagination”. Something I needed very little of to find a vagina in that cup.

*********

In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up. Let’s get started, shall we?

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

Sometimes you have to work with what you have.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up sponsored by posh brood, a free catalogue of upscale, luxe and hop vacation spots that are mom-tested. Their slogan is “Offspring. Don’t leave home without them.” Which is a good mantra since it’s illegal to leave your baby at home alone, even if there are cats there with them. Trust me on this one. Anyway, you should check them out because they’re awesome and they’ll keep you from getting arrested. Plus you need a vacation.

UPDATED: Those are fighting words, internet

February 24, 2012in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, phoning it in, Random Crap

A few times I year I checkout Alexa to see what’s bringing people to this blog.

This is what I found today:

Really, internet? That is both terrifically insulting and also just plain wrong.

You spell my name with two G’s.

Updated: It occurs to me that many of you are new and might not understand why people would even be searching for that. No worries. There’s a simple, rational answer to all of this, really. It’s because I used to be on meth. The good kind.

UPDATED X 2: I just noticed that this month there’s been a fairly significant decrease in people googling “douche bag” and then being pointed to my blog.

WINNER.

Dreams are assholes

February 23, 2012in Random Crap

I just had a fever dream that I got married to the Graham Cracker heir, so my name was Jenny Graham. We had a baby and decided to name it something weird so it would fit in with all the stars’ names so we called her Apparel Ella.

It was not until 3am that I woke up and realized I named my dream baby Apparel Ella Graham. It’s like a practical joke I pulled on myself. Nice one, me.

Ps. This post only makes sense if you say the name altogether and are into geometry. Also, being half-asleep and groggy helps.

And then all of my fingers fell off

February 21, 2012in I am totally overrated, Let's Pretend This Never Happened, Random Crap

A few weeks ago I announced that I was signing 5,000 bookplates to go out for free to people who preorder my book – and who don’t live outside of the US, and who don’t have a PO box, and who aren’t left-handed dentists. (I may have made up that last one.)

Yesterday I finally finished and then all of my fingers fell off. But it was hugely relieving to be done and I decided to celebrate the accomplishment with a photo, which then became a three-part-series.

1. Me, after signing the 5,000th bookplate and then playing Jenga with them.

2. Me, after Victor pointed out that I’d missed a big box of bookplates and had at least 1,000 more to sign.

3. Me, innocently plotting Victors’ painful demise right after he told me that he was just fucking with me.

There are still a couple hundred signed bookplates that haven’t been spoken for so if you preorder a book make sure you go over here and fill out your info before they’re all gone.

Also, if you’re Canadian, there’s at least one Canadian-based contest going on right now. I’ll keep you posted on other stuff as it comes around.

A very special thank you to everyone who has bought or is planning to buy, borrow or steal my book. I owe you a drink. And a huge shout out to Doctor Who and The Guild, who made this long, strange ordeal distractingly awesome.

And now I will never sign my name again. Instead I’m just drawing pictures of cat faces. Get ready for the book tour, y’all. There’s gonna be a lot of kitty faces and confused autograph-seekers. Or possibly just me sitting alone while the bookstore cashiers look at me with pity and/or disgust. That’s a possibility too.

And then I became a recurring comic book character. Someone send me my geek card.

February 20, 2012in I am totally overrated, Random Crap

My friends (Clint & Luke) have a comic book they’ve been working on forever and a year ago they asked if I’d mind my writing gracing the back pages of their series, Taroch (which is brilliant – and I’d say that even if I didn’t already love them). They sent me the latest issue and it’s just as fabulous as the last, plus I have a new comic panel right after a story about the most amazing zombie fighting transvestive ever. In short, you should buy this comic. But in case you can’t afford to support struggling, young artists but still want to see what they can do, they let me post my panel here.

(FYI…I’m not being compensated in any way whatsoever for this. I just happen to adore them.)

PS. They’ll be signing copies at the London Super ComicCon this weekend. If you’re there, say hi. And dress up as me. Because technically I just became a recurring comic book character.

Life is weird.

Juanita in carbonite

February 19, 2012in blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, Random Crap, weekly reruns

Earlier this week I told you about a tiny, dead weasel I dressed, adopted and named Juanita. Within a few days she had her very own meme and a line of products. Kinda fucking impressive for a dead weasel, if you ask me. And possibly a little cocky. Regardless, she brought joy and laughter to many, and several of you will be getting emails about free Juanita junk because you entered something bad-ass into the meme contest, but the ultimate winner was a personal favorite of mine from Bart Smith:

from bart — Look closely. There are 15+ bloggess-isms here. (It's bigger on the inside.)

For being awesome and amazing at photoshop (seriously, click here for a giant version), Bart wins a tiny, resin Juanita statue, which looks as if Juanita was frozen in carbonate, but more colorful.

(Click here to pick up one for yourself.)

And in other news, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up:

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column: (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

Totally inappropriate Valentine’s Day cards

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

Best zombie playset ever

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

WATCH THIS VIDEO. My friends (Dr. Pants) know my anxiety disorder is too high to go see them in concert so instead they’re coming to my bathroom to play for me. And they’re broadcasting it live. Which means you just got invited to a party in my bathroom. THAT JUST HAPPENED. Your homework: Fall in love with my favorite Dr. Pants song: If I Were John Cusack
Okay, Canada. You asked for something special.
Juanita Weasel for president
Kick-ass stuff I pinned.

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by my amazingly talented friend Sylvia, who wrote a fabulous ebook that costs less than a coke. It’s called Fear of Landing: You Fly Like a Woman and it’s her true story about learning to fly after being told by a man that she can’t. The perfect inspirational gift for your daughter (or son). Plus, it’s less than a dollar and only takes an hour or two to finish. EVERYONE WINS. I highly recommend.