The Bloggess

I think I got a pig heart in the mail. UPDATE: No, it’s a dog sleeping bag.

March 11, 2009in blogging about blogging again, I'm an idiot, no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Random Crap, Stalking Amy Sedaris

I know I said I’d have more info on the People’s Party today but apparently I’m a big fat liar. Instead I’m going to show you a screenshot of my email. Please keep in mind that all of these emails are from real people and are not spam. (Click to enlarge.)

Also, I just got a package from the girl who sent the email with the subject line “Pig heart in the mail”. I’m afraid to open it so I’m going to post this and if I don’t post an update it’s probably because I’m dead.

PS. I want to be buried in a giant pile of marshmallows instead of a coffin because it’s cheaper and also ecologically sound. And mourners could eat them while they mourn and no one can cry eating marshmallows and someone would do that thing where they try to stick the most marshmallows in their mouth and they’d choke to death and then I could be buried with that person, like I’m some kind of marshmallow pharaoh. Also I’d like to have a pony buried with me in case they don’t have cars in heaven.

UPDATE: Opened the first layer of packaging. Contains brown paper packages tied up with string. Except the brown paper packages have robots drawn on them.

UPDATE 2: First package contains buttons with angry lego crossdressers on them. Also a bag to put dirty underwear in. True story.

UPDATE 3: Opened the second package from pig-heart lady. It’s a sleeping bag for Barnaby Jones. And it’s awesome. For me. He hates it.

UPDATE 4: Fuck. It’s a duvet, which apparently means “bed cover”. So I’m supposed to stick old underwear and towels in the first sack and then put the duvet over it and it makes a dog bed. Which is awesome. Except that I don’t have any old towels or underwear.

UPDATE 5: I mean, I have underwear…just not enough to fill an entire dog duvet with.

UPDATE 6: Problem solved. I stuffed the duvet with a car battery. Awesome.

UPDATE 7: Dog refused to get on duvet. Instead I stuffed the duvet with bag of wire hangers I was going to send back to the cleaners.

UPDATE 8: This dog is an asshole.

UPDATE 9: Okay, I took all the hangers out and when I walked back in the room the dog had put himself back in the bag. He looks very proud of himself. The cats are giving me a look like “we totally warned you”. They totally didn’t. These cats are assholes too.

UPDATE 10: Me: I HAVE NOTHING TO PUT IN THIS DUVET TO MAKE IT LOOK NORMAL. Victor: How about the dog’s old bed? Me: I hate everyone in this house.

Comment of the day: Look at that poor dog. If ever a dog needed Snuggie sleeves. ~ Steam me up, kid

Party like it’s 10 years ago (teaser #6)

March 10, 2009in I am totally overrated, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished, The People's Party, You're invited

Oh wait…no. This one:

PS. This post will not make sense to you at all unless you start here first and follow the breadcrumbs. And even then it probably won’t make much sense. Unless you’ve been reading me for over a year and then you’ll be all “Oh, I remember this. Jenny drinking in the men’s bathroom and acting inappropriately in front of famous people. Didn’t that end badly?”. And yes. Yes, it did. More tomorrow.

PS. I apologize to my amazing blogger co–hosts for posting a completely inappropriate Prince badge in front of the one that was assigned to me but it’s much better than the one I was going to use, which is this picture of the most bad-ass tattoo in the history of the world:

Honestly, that’s pretty much the best tattoo ever. Especially when you’re sitting naked on the exam table and the doctor is all “We think you have colon cancer but I need to really get up in there to check”. And your legs are all “IT’S TIME TO PARTY” and you’re all “Shut up, legs!” Awesome. You know what else is awesome? When you’re supposed to write a two sentence teaser about a party and you end up blogging about colon cancer. It’s like a gift.

Comment of the day: “Game: Blouses.” ~ WineWonkette

Wolverines are the new sasquatch

March 10, 2009in conversations, Just sad, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, phoning it in, Random Crap, sickness

Me and my friend Kregg discussing how shitty rheumatoid arthritis is:

Kregg: So you still hurt? Can’t they just do like a total joint replacement?

Me: Exactly! Like on Wolverine where they replace all my bones with edamame.

Kregg: Uh…adamantium.

Me: What did I say?

Kregg: Edamame.

Me: Oh that wouldn’t work. My entire skeletal system replaced with steamed soybeans? I’d be a giant puddle.

Kregg: But when you get angry edemame would shoot out of your fingers. Delicious.

Me: And I’d totally eat them because I eat when I’m angry and the doctors would be all “Spit those beans out! You only get those! They won’t regenerate beans!”

Kregg: Plus you’d probably have to be refrigerated.

Me: And I’d get all mad at the doctors for only giving me one set of soybeans and they’d be all “You’re not like a plant, lady. You can’t just magically grow beans. This is science…not wizardry.”

Kregg: We live in primitive times, my friend.

Me: Fuck. I’m going to be doing meth forever. Or at least until science catches up with me.

Then we started talking about which piece of office furniture was heavy enough to break out my office window and one of us said something hysterical about snow or goblins or something. I wrote it down but it doesn’t make any sense now. I’d probably remember it if I wasn’t on so much meth. Or possibly it was only funny because I’m on meth. Either way it’s probably best forgotten but this is what the note says: “Snow in fountain for advertising. Goblin mascot.” Oh wait, it’s my grocery list. Now it all makes sense. Thanks, meth.

Comment of day: You know what scares me? That, some day, Jenny will wake up from the coma she is in, and realize that all of this – including all of *us* – was nothing but a coma-induced delusion. ~ EdT.

WOLVERINES!

March 7, 2009in bizarre, blogging about blogging again, Good Mom/Bad Mom...why aren't you reading it now?, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, Post that people who don't twitter won't get, Random Crap, stuff better left unpublished

This morning I wrote a post for the Chronicle about Wolverine blow-jobs and then right after that I twittered:

“You know what would be awesome? If for no reason at all we all just randomly screamed “WOLVERINES!” once today. That would be awesome.”

And then suddenly eleventy billion people tweeted back “WOLVERINES!!!!!” And it was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that within an hour “WOLVERINES!” had become a top trend on twitter and people were vowing to shout it on the subway. Then Victor woke up and was all “This house looks like shit. What have you been doing all morning?” and I’m all “I’ve orchestrated a mass Red Dawn awakening before most of America has had coffee, that’s-what-I’ve-been-doing“. Then he gave me this look of disgust and said, “I don’t get it” and I’m all “That’s why it’s so funny. No one gets it. It’s like when you’re at the grocery store and you suddenly yell out ‘SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!’ and everyone stops and looks at you weird, but then one person over in the cereal aisle starts laughing and yells back “KHAAAAAAN!”, and then you laugh and go back to shopping. That’s what life is all about.” And Victor’s all, “Yeah. I just don’t think it’s funny” and I yelled “YOU DON’T THINK THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD RANDOMLY SCREAMING ‘WOLVERINES!’ IS FUNNY?!” Then I thought about leaving him. Then Hailey started screaming “WOLFAREEMS!” and I’m like “Even four year olds think this shit is funny“. Then we went to this sandwich shop for lunch where you write down your name and order and then they call out your name when it’s ready, so I filled mine out and gave it to Victor so he could pay for it.

Then the sandwich guy was all “Uh…I’ve got a BLT here. Uh…wolverines?” and then I laughed so hard coke shot out of my nose. And Victor was like “What is wrong with you?” And I’m all “WOLVERINES!!!” It was awesome. Then we went back home and Victor left to do some work, but like 10 seconds later he stepped back inside and screamed “WOOOOOLVERIIIIIINES!!!!!” Like, so hard he was panting afterward. And I’m all “Exactly.”

And that’s how Red Dawn saved my marriage.

Comment of the day: Speaking of Wolverine blowjobs, here is how I got introduced to the concept of furries: this friend of mine in college told me that he (my friend) was e-chatting with some dude about some innocuous, non-furry-sex thing and then said dude typed something completely insane and filthy and perverted and then followed up with “Oh, sorry, I’m getting a blowjob from a raccoon in the other chat window.” And my friend said (to me) “And the weirdest thing is that raccoons don’t even have saliva, so why would you even want a blowjob from a raccoon?” That was more than 15 years ago, and every time I see a raccoon I still think of this. Every. Time. ~ jfruh

I am totally usurping Guy Kawasaki

March 6, 2009in "Bloggessed" is the new puce, "Kawasakied" is the new black., blogging about blogging again, I am totally overrated, Post that people who don't twitter won't get, Random Crap

So today The Printed Blog wrote a feature about me, which is really nice because the last feature they wrote was about some famous editor all dressed in a suit with artful lighting, and my feature looks like this:

Even more amazing is that they featured one of my stories and my byline is IN FRONT OF GUY KAWASAKI‘S. True story.

And even more amazing is that in spite of the fact that my hooker story has to do with defrauding the navy, Guy asked me to join him on a Navy-sponsored field trip to spend the night on an air-craft carrier in the middle of the ocean, which is awesome because I’m terrified of flying, water and giant squid. Also, my friends were all “You’re sleeping with Guy Kawasaki on some sort of cruise?” and I’m all “No. There’s going to be other bloggers there too so if anything it’ll be like some kind of weird orgy.” But I will be able to scope out plans for my naval hooker scenario. Also I asked Guy if I could bring Victor and he wrote (swear to God) “No. I only have 14 bullets” which I don’t know what that means but I’m assuming it means Guy Kawasaki is going to murder me for being more popular than him.

PS. I just want to remind everyone that in real life I’m a lowly junior HR analyst who does pivot tables all day. And that I’m more popular than Guy Kawasaki.

Comment of the day: See, this is why I’m so in favor of the serial comma – people who read the profile but are unfamiliar with Jenny will think she wants to be (or has been) fisted by the President. Those are just unreasonable expectations to set for new readers. ~ Jason

The things coinstar wouldn’t take

March 3, 2009in "Bloggessed" is the new puce, "Kawasakied" is the new black., phoning it in, Random Crap

Did you know that you can break the Coinstar machine if you put in a bunch of random stuff? Also, today I’ve taken 12 prescription pills, including the chemo drug that causes the cancer that I don’t have yet and it’s actually making me feel much better but incredibly groggy so I can’t even think of something appropriate to write for you to comment on. Hence, the comments are completely open for anything. Deep confessions, words you don’t like, what animal you wish would go extinct next, which weird-looking celebrities you would sleep with if you had the chance…go wild, y’all.

Comment of the day: Okay, seriously?! I give you nothing and you give me 400 comments. I can’t possibly choose just one comment for comment of the day so I’m going to have to create an entire post from these comments because you people are fucked up in the most beautiful way. Comments are still open if you still want in.